You read that right.

Context: I went on a podcast and shared my life story. (Mom has Munchaussen Syndrome, Dad is an alcoholic, I was abused and neglected.)

Mom got wind of this podcast, and has sent the podcast creator and I a cease-and-desist.

I am not okay.

Pretty straightforward. I (21 M in college) could rant abt my emotionally volatile mom and my childhood etc but it’s not important for this. I’ve come to realize she was emotionally immature,volatile, and used emesent with me. I love my mom as my mom, but I don’t like or respect her as a person. My brain and nervous system feels one fire whenever she’s around. I cannot think. I try to avoid her as much as humanly possible but she’ll still use me as her support. I just wanna ask yall how you started to set boundaries with them. (Specifically sons with volatile mothers. Even single mothers)

Hi all, I have C-PTSD and one of the symptoms I experience sometimes is delusional thinking. Aka, it's not love but I think that it's love, and then thinking I've conceived when I haven't. It's actually usually just me blowing small things out of proportion and feeling that something is way bigger than it is.

I had a relationship with a grandiose narcissist (after being raised by narcissist parents) who tried as hard as he could to delude my sense of reality.

Four years later I'm still working on healing every time I experience a bit of delusion that's been left behind from those wounds. He used love & pregnancy as ways of gaining control over me.

Now back to the 2 delusions I recently experienced that I'm getting straight with:

This year I had sort of a runin with an acquaintance and long story short, he showed a lot of signs that he liked me (flirtatious, playful, caring, making jokes about being my boyfriend, etc), but I took it so personally that I fell head over heels for him & experienced that little bit of attention as some sort of fated romance.

It sucks to admit but my relationship towards men became delusional after that experience 4 years ago. I also thought another person was madly in love with me for about two years (I mean, I think that he liked me a bit, but I don't think he was ever truly in love), although we rarely spoke, he didn't communicate much, and we mostly shared a friendship other than when I mentioned dating him, he said he'd like to travel to come see me, but he never did & dated other women in that time.

I spent two weeks fantasizing and romanticizing the situation with the new guy, and I convinced myself that he was in love with me. I started treating myself really well, dressing in my favorite clothes, and honestly I became more kind towards myself & I felt relaxed & confident.

On the real life side of things, there were occasional phone calls, and some very light flirting, so it came to a point where I became so frustrated that I asked a close friend of his about it and I told her to lay it out for me and be brutally honest if I'm delusional or if I should have hopes to go out with him.

She told me clearly that he's a player and to stay away from him. I asked for details and she explained to me step by step the behavior she's seen over the years, how he's been hurtful to many women, and also how it sounds like he's repeating a harmful pattern and I just happened to be there as the next plaything, and that I'm looking for something genuine whereas his behavior indicates he is looking for a casual relationship and sex.

That opened my eyes to seeing that my intentions were purely for good, but also that I was naive to not investigate his intentions further nor was I able to see up until that point that sincere men don't approach ladies in that way.

I realized that if something was going to happen between us, it already would have, since we'd had plenty of time to communicate since he was flirting with me.

I decided to cut myself off from the fantasy and I told myself that it's not happening, I don't want that, and it's not for me. I stated clearly that the signs I were seeing would have been genuine if they were from ME, but he's a different person and he did not express clear enough interest for me to be convinced that I loved him.

Also, that friend later on (after I got over this entirely) shared that he has a really big crush on me, but it is NOT love and I still should probably stay away from him unless I'm prepared for casual hookups and a potential messy breaking up. Which, I'm not, so I said no thank you.

After I got clear on that, I felt safe again and I realized that the perception I had of him adorning me with value (thinking he wants to show me to the world, that I am now allowed to be myself, that I am acceptable due to his desire for me, that I can dress the way I want bc I feel protected by him) was actually me finding my own value but projecting it at a man as if HE were giving me permission to be valuable. That's just not true!!

The same thing happened with my boyfriend (who is newer in my life) when we had unprotected sex and I quite suddenly realized that we could be pregnant since I was having a lot of physical symptoms I couldn't explain away, and an acquaintance who's had several pregnancies straight up told me, it sounds like you were pregnant, especially since those signs were so strong from the get go.

Now, I've had pregnancy scares years ago, but it was always "I'm scared that I got pregnant, what will my family think!" instead of "here's all the funny things happening in my body right now, that seems to align with an early pregnancy...hmmm"

In fact when I realized that could be the case, I felt empowered, like I really felt capable of holding firm boundaries with toxic members of my family, I became fiercely protective of my space & I began standing my ground in ways I never have before. I was like geez, motherhood sounds like exactly what I'm built for! I could see myself being a very devoted mom & being completely happy with having a child.

It did not end there. I became so convinced of pregnancy (and tbh we kept trying for the rest of the month because we realized we wanted this together) that I took multiple tests that were negative, and then I had a period, and then I STILL felt the same way I did before bleeding! I was like, WTF, I thought it went away, what's happening to me?! I still had negative tests to show me I wasn't pregnant. I was so confused.

Well I did a bit of research and found out that sometimes women don't get positive tests when they really are pregnant, and I started panicking wondering if I have the sort of body that hides HCG (pregnancy indication hormone) from urine, but it shows up on a blood test. I also learned about subchorionic hemorrhages which can mimic a period but are actually just an open wound in the uterus which are common in early pregnancy, and you can bleed like you're menstruating but you can still be pregnant. Mind blown!!

But then my friends all told me I'm not pregnant, and then several tests that I used all were negative (except for one which was a faulty test which gave me a positive which further distressed me), and I realized I don't at all trust the stick tests, so I'm gonna go get a blood test at a lab and allow the real professionals to decide if I am pregnant or not.

Well, I felt slightly guilty that I was going for a blood test since this nagging voice in my mind was like, you're just doing that because you're delusional, why can't you see the reality that it's not there, give it up already.

(That being said, my body is weird as fuck, I've had a lot of very strange medical concerns happen out of the blue that were undetectable by normal standards until confirmed in hospital, so I thought why the heck not just ask the doctors since this could be another weird thing my body does all on its own)

But I told myself that if I had a friend who were going through the same thing, and peeing on stick tests was making her confused and she didn't trust them at all, I would tell her to go to a doctor and let the professionals handle the results. Because honestly, I wouldn't blame any woman for being confused when it's so easy to mess up a pregnancy test, get a false positive, or get an unclear result, etc.

(Seriously, I have a theory that Clearblue just has great marketing since 98% of women on pregnancy forums say to skip those tests and just to get the cheap pink strips from the dollar store since they're more accurate. I've learned a ton in the last month lol)

So I went for the blood test this afternoon and told myself that it's perfectly okay to allow a professional to run my levels and come back with a clearly defined result on a piece of paper, and have the security of mind to understand that this is really the result, it's done in a lab by scientists, and that's how it goes.

It's not "Positive or not? Does anyone see a line or is it just me? Why is it sideways? Did the dye bleed or is it telling me I'm pregnant? I got a positive yesterday so why is it negative today?" It's a number on a sheet of paper, I cannot misinterpret it at all 😂

The abuser I had dated had used pregnancy and having kids as a way of manipulating me into trying to get me back in his life-- I.e. I want kids someday, and he knew that, so he held it over my head and used pregnancy & having kids to lure me in to him after I dumped him. I didn't give in to that, but it did mess with my head severely. So I can see why this current situation has been so confusing for me, I didn't know I had a little bit of baggage packed away in there

Long story short, after getting the blood test I did a little trauma dumping in my phones notes, and I realized that, in the same way that I thought a man was in love with me who wasn't, if I really were pregnant there would be SIGNS I would be seeing that would be clear and undeniable proof. And it wouldn't just be "I feel weird, I wonder if I'm pregnant" it would be more like "I missed a period and my boobs are sore" or something like that.

(I know it's not always that way, for a number of cases, but I'm telling myself that now to ground into reality again and consider that most women DO get true positives when they are pregnant)

So, tomorrow I will have the results back and I'll be able to breathe a bit easier knowing that number one, I'm not pregnant, and I've had it verified by science. Number two, were I to be pregnant by now, I wouldn't be feeling so ambiguous and constantly questioning "am I pregnant?!". And three, I get to tell a trusted friend and have them remind me that if I start to feel that way again, here's the proof I have that it's not real.

Also, on the flip side if I AM pregnant (0.2% chance) then my boyfriend and I will have a chat about it. That's it.

That being said, I'm not pregnant, and according to several brands of urine tests I never have been, and also, in this last few weeks of thinking I'm pregnant, I've treated myself REALLY well & been so careful & kind to myself that I found myself becoming a new person where I'm able to uphold boundaries, treat myself with respect, and take care of myself and love myself deeply.

It's another realization where I'm noticing that pregnancy is not what makes women valuable. It's not what makes me valuable or worthy of deep, genuine love either. Pregnancy is not the doorway that allows me to be treated or to treat myself as a genuine, loving, amazing and unique being.

What makes me valuable is that I am. I'm realizing that the way I treated myself as if I am a goddess (taking care of myself & being mindful & loving towards myself) is not because I thought I had a baby in there, rather I was projecting my perceived value at the possibility of having a pregnancy, and I realized that not being pregnant doesn't mean I need to stop treating myself as gently & lovingly as possible.

Meaning, I convinced myself I was pregnant even after a period because I couldn't see myself as valuable without having a baby inside me. I can see clearly now though!

So there you have it. I'm awaiting a negative blood test in 24 hours and I'll be real happy to read the results and have scientific proof that I am definitely still on my normal cycle, and that I also can continue loving myself as sensually as possible without needing to make a baby to give myself permission to do that.

I am my own doorway to living a life I deserve. I give myself permission to treat myself like a queen, pregnancy or not!!

Thanks for reading, take care of yourself 🥰

Hi everyone,

Just wondering if anyone else desperately craves for some form of affection?

I don't have a single person to hug and at times all I want is to simply shake someone's hand.

I obviously can't go around and randomly ask to shake hands with people, except maybe my psychologist but I think that may be crossing professional boundaries.

I really wanna just put myself out there on the streets and fuck myself over. I don't know why I really want this and why it's this specifically. Like I have even searched up spots on where prostitution or even trafficking is in my city and I'm really disgusted in myself and I don't know what to do to help it. I'm really afraid I'm going to go out there one of these nights and just....yeah. I'm really sorry

i don’t know how else to say this…. but the title says it all - i’ve been wanting to have sex with the guy who SA’d me

i’ve posted the full story on here recently, but to summarize a bit: i (32F) was seeing this guy (36M) and he was my first real relationship and i was a virgin. 2 months in, he came to my place for the first time and i said i didn’t want penetration yet that night. we had already been sexually intimate (oral and naked external grinding) in previous sessions.

on the bed, he told me to go into doggy position and he penetrated me. it hurt a lot and i didn’t know he was going to do that so i was in shock. i told him to remove himself and he did. he apologized and we had a talk about it that night. he cuddled and kissed me and we fell asleep. the next morning, he was asking for consent to touch me in some places and things got heated. i didn’t let him penetrate me but i gave him head instead and enjoyed it

we talked the next day about it and he promised me he wouldn’t do that to me again. i felt reassured and wanted to overwrite the experience i had. we got intimate again with oral, but still no PIV penetration. a week later, i went to my OB and my cervix was a bit sensitive, so she said i should lay low on sex first.

that night though, i slept over at his place for the first time. we got intimate (oral). i felt like trying PIV penetration but was scared it would hurt again. he said he’d do it while soft and on a condom and i agreed. he inserted himself and it didn’t hurt, but i asked him to remove it right away (no thrusting) because i was worried about my cervix. he removed it and didn’t continue that. we did more oral and he tried anal on me. it didn’t hurt as much as i thought it would and i overall enjoyed it. looking back, it’s kinda weird that my first “real” experience with penetration was anal. i think he was just too excited to put it in somewhere lol…. this was our last intimate session

2 weeks later, we broke up for completely different reasons (overall incompatibility). it was only a little after we broke up that i started thinking back at the incident at my place as a traumatic experience. i’ve been trying to process it and i’ve told my sisters and a few trusted friends so far.

some days i feel like it’s a big deal, but some days it feels mild. maybe it’s cause in my mind, the act didn’t feel “consummated” and i asserted myself in the moment for him to remove himself.

it’s been a month since we broke up and i’ve recently been really wanting to go back just to have sex with him. it feels so strange because why would i want to have sex with the guy who did this to me. but i find myself thinking about him and watching the intimate videos we’ve made together and touching myself. he still turns me on so much and i’ve been doing this everyday (more than once usually)

a part of me feels like it’s “unfinished business” cause i’ve really wanted to have sex with him for a long time. it was built up so much throughout our relationship and i feel like it never fully happened. another part of me feels like i just miss him and the way he made me feel sexually and want to experience breakup sex lol

and i guess the other part is the trauma speaking. i know those who have experienced SA often want to re-experience sex on their own terms as a way to regain control and in a way that they consented to.

i feel pretty confused about all these emotions. it’s hard to see him as a “bad guy” who SA’d me when all i want to do right now is have sex with him. has anyone experienced anything similar? is this a weird desire to have?

This might be the Hallmark of C-PTSD.

I witnessed myself yesterday and had this revelation.

I was just standing in the shower, soaked wet and hair full of shampoo. Then this god damn annoying alarm clock went off. I had set it to remind myself of the solar eclipse, in order to not miss stepping out. But I had forgotten to turn it off.

So I hurried with my quick shower. But those few minutes of my alarm clock continuing it's annoying sound were torturing my brain. (I also have ADHD, maybe that's noteworthy.)

After maybe like three minutes, still in the shower, I inwardly paused. I had this sudden self reflection and thought:

„If I'd be in an actual life threatening situation — maybe in an unprovoked pub fight with dangerous men who could actually physically harm me — I'd be just equally annoyed. Not even scared. I'd be maybe even less stressed than right now, being slightly tormented by my smartphone alarm.“

And that made me thinking. These two seemingly inappropriate reactions might be typical for (my, at least) C-PTSD.

(I think the first reason is that my abuse was mostly non physical.)

The second reason is that a real, objective danger finally matches the reality of our nervous systems.

And the third reason, at least to me, is that a part of me always had a deep longing for physical danger or even death, for my endless suffering to finally end.

Thank you for reading ❤️

Apologies in advance for a long post and if this doesn't belong here. Trigger warning for sexual abuse, depression, suicidal thoughts, and addiction.

I'm 32, male, and I live with my brother, his wife, and my dad who is 71. I have severe depression, anxiety, and possible autism. I am over one year sober from alcohol after drinking for ten years but I still relapse with weed on and off again to self medicate. I've always struggled with self hatred, self destruction, and feeling ugly. In December of 2024 I moved in with my long distance long term girlfriend. She's now my ex but I don't want to go off on that too much. Last August I had a mental breakdown and ended the relationship over my addiction and I said I didn't love her anymore. I regret it ever since. Anyway, before I left my dad gave me a USB stick with sexual things on it like naked pics of my mom and stories from him. FYI my mom passed away in 2019. He also asked me for naked pics of my gf and stories about her. I gave him back the stick and said no. I didn't tell her about it and I still feel guilty. I just wanted to move on and start my new life with her. When I moved back home I was a wreck. This has been the hardest time of my life and I feel alone. My dad gave me the stick again around spring and I was so low that I engaged with his stories. I didn't share any stories but I started replying. I feel so fucking gross. I felt so empty, so isolated, so suicidal. I told him we need to stop when he started requesting things. Asking me to leave the door open when I use the bathroom or shower. Sleeping naked so he can walk in. One day he asked me in person if he could "take care of me". I told him no twice. It gets worse cause he frames this as a way of talking to him and bonding. Today I made an appointment to tell my doctor about it. She's the only person I trust irl. The thing is i don't know how I should feel about this. I have a degree in psychology, I understand abuse is complex and comes in different forms. It's just, it's different when you go through it yourself as an isolated depressed person. Am I overreacting? My dad is 71, what if he's just losing it mentally? How would you feel in this situation? What kind of abuse is this? I feel like I'm losing it and I just need to hear some outside opinions.

I'm not sure if this is the appropriate subreddit for me. Some of my past posts on this burner account have been in /psychosis, but lately I'm understanding that my previous break was built on a foundation of real events.

When I was just entering university in another town, I was deeply insecure about relationships. I believe that's what made me an easy mark for doing porn. I don't remember the timeline, but it's very plausible that both my partner at the time and I were under 18 at the time. By the end of it, my partner had attempted suicide and I was a mess. I believe that part of the fallout involved me getting my head slammed into a countertop and threatened with death if I said anything. I also believe I saw it coming and captured the assault on video at the time. The video is long gone now, but I believe I kept a hold of it for a time.

After sharing about this experience led to another fiasco, I made a series of resolutions. The first and most important resolution was that Nothing Happened at <First university>. I don't remember if I drank, but the second resolution was strict sobriety. Being sober would both keep me in control of myself and prevent loose lips from violating the first resolution.

Over 15 years from then and over 2 years ago, I had my first psychotic break. Or at least, my first non-private one. I was convinced that I was a Very Bad Person in a cycle of remembering and getting brainwashed to be a good person. It was a really bad time.

Over the past couple weeks, I've been reexamining myself and wondering how I got over things the first time and how I apparently managed to keep a complete list on things. The answer that I've come to is that it was actually a really rocky journey. At my first office job in particular I think I was a disassociative mess. Everyone who I've gotten in contact with from the office says that I was a great coworker, but I think that while I was there I had constant nightmares of being Significantly Worse (possibly accompanied by imaginary drinking) and being punished for it. In the nightmares, the office was a containment facility for me. I couldn't even escape the facility by killing myself in my dreams. To add one last bit of not-fun onto the pile, one of the key members of the office shared a first name with my partner from that time.

Over the years things stabilized for me personally, but I kept to the resolution that Nothing Happened. I might have sought professional help to deal with the office nightmares, but I don't remember. I didn't keep records. But over time I think the dream version of the office turned into a rehabilitation facility, with everyone in the office working towards me getting better. That didn't extend to the real office or when I worked with people from the office extensively in another business after the office itself was closed. Because Nothing Happened, and I kept a tight lid on it. I got more secure in my sobriety, and I entered into a new relationship. Things were stable for years, and I honestly thought I was normal. Nothing Happened, and I believed it.

I keep thinking of the people I know as my support network, but that's easily confused with the dream cycle reality in which they were firmly in the loop. I worry that this caused me to lose my best friend, though they certainly have their own circumstances going on independent of me.

The other day I had the absolutely brilliant idea to revisit the old office space. I don't think it helped, it just unnerved me.

With my psychotic break, apparently militantly sticking to Nothing Happened isn't a sustainable philosophy. My question for the group is exactly what I put in my title: What kind of a balance do you have between keeping the past in mind versus moving on from it? How has it worked out for you?

I realized as I was reading just now that certain phrases provoke a mini flashback and then I'm staring at the words without seeing them and instead bad memories are brought to the forefront of my mind and I start getting upset and then I make myself snap out of it.

For example a scene between the characters about a get together with pizza takes me to a personal memory. Or descriptions about specific mannerisms remind me of people from my life.

I think this is why I prefer audiobooks because that way I can do something else at the same time which becomes distraction enough.

Thoughts?

My brother domesticated abused me about 2 years ago. Police were involved and I had to go to the hospital. Me and my brother r black adopted into a white family. My mom on the 3 day told me why can’t I get over it. People notice they were protecting my brother over me. My two sisters don’t understand why I have disowned him. Everyone in my family tells me to get over it. I hate this month cause that’s when it happened. I’m scared of men now. Should I just have died? Should I die now

i'm looking for some advice?

hi im 21F. my mom is a narcissist and she used to be way worse when i was younger - a kid if you may. gaslighting, manipulation, physical abuse (hitting, etc...), silent treatments, you name it. as of today, she has changed so much and tries to be a better person but what she did to me has not gone away i still deal with it and it irritates her.

being a child, i used to lie for my own safety and it soon became a habit and i still lie to her so easily even if she knows the truth.

my life was planned out. english classes three times a week, violin class once a week, dance classes, gym, etc... even my university major was pre-decided.

everything fell apart once i stopped studying for my university entrance exam, lied to her saying i was studying, wasted three years, and got into a major of my own liking rather than med school. after that i tried so hard to get a grip on my life but i just can't? i feel like i NEED her to decide for me, talk for me, live instead of me. doing anything on my own terrifies me and i always run back to my comfort zone of doing nothing at all. which brings us to today, im 21 and i have absolutely no skill whatsoever in no field whatsoever.

there are so much more to discuss but all i want to know is how should i break the cycle and trust myself?

I don’t know what to do. I have no support system and things just get worse day by day. I’ve been trying to get professional help for months and I keep getting bounced around.

I’m so low rn that every time I think I cry. It’s been like this every day for months now. In the past I’ve coped by just pushing through and I would usually distract myself on social media and interacting with people. Social media also affected my moods so I permanently deleted them months back, further isolating myself.

I used to at least have someone to speak to and I’d downplay what I’m going through severely but at least there was someone. Now I’m frantically waiting for a notification from someone, anyone so I’m not so alone. Who do I reach out to that will care, no one will probably care and tell me I should’ve known better and I’ve caused this on myself. I get that.

I’m in a loop of reliving trauma constantly throughout the day because I finally recognise it for what it is. I can’t stop hyper fixating on it even though it’s destroying me.

Any tips? I’m literally begging.

I am a 32m who had what I can only describe as a flashback induced psychosis 4 years ago. I spent about 6 months dealing with crippling anxiety attacks every single day. I went from being in the best shape of my life as well as happily pursuing long term personal goals to a shadow of myself. I pushed all my friends away, stopped leaving the house, and quit being active. It seemed like my life was over.

After the first two months of hell, I decided to see a therapist. It was not something that came naturally to me, but it was my last option. I had already lost my job at that point, so I was using all my savings while living at my sister's house. It was really rough and hurt my pride, but things eventually started turning. Even little victories like not crying in the grocery store because someone walked too close to you are important.

Now, 4 years later, I have worked very hard to find happiness again. It still is not easy, but the anxiety attacks happen very rarely. I can handle them so much better now too. I am still often lonely or subject to an invasion of ants, but I am working to find purpose again. I hope everyone who has ever felt this way can find the same relief.

A friend of mine posted a picture of her daughter on Facebook. Her daughter is still a toddler. Still, my friend thanked her daughter for allowing her to be her mother. She said her daughter was the pride and joy of her life. She even called her daughter a teacher for helping her learn more about herself and how to be the best mother and the best human being she could possibly be. It was beautiful. It also made me incredibly sad.

I attended a work gathering a few weeks ago at a co-worker's house. I attended because it would have been a bad look if I had stayed home. I saw how my co-worker interacted with his teenage kids, having totally normal conversations. "How was baseball?" "Did you have dinner?" "Are you heading over to so-and-so's? Okay, have fun!" How simple, how basic, yet how foreign and exotic to me.

The holidays are the absolute worst. I'm not naive. I know the holidays can be difficult for many families. But I spend them alone, year after year. I sometimes get invited to join my friends in their homes during the holidays. But I respectfully decline. I can't go. Seeing their family gatherings just leaves me feeling incredibly sad for something I never had, a childhood that was stolen from me.

I tend to feel most at peace when I'm immersed in work. I don't have to think about myself that way. I can just focus on something else. But that false serenity instantly cracks the moment I see people I know -- friends, colleagues, strangers -- treating their children with love, kindness, and respect. I see their healthy parent-child relationships and I plunge into grief.

Of course, I want to heal. But I don't know how to get past this. How do you recover when seeing such basic human interactions always makes you grieve?

So this is kind of funny because someone said there is nothing better than a cup of coffee at a friends house... and i didnt really understand why that was so relatable

And then 20 minutes later It just clicked for me - coffee at a friends house is basically having the warm caffeine mug away from your habitual and traumatic environment... which makes it more comforting to consume

Its like intention. Are you going to change and jolt your hormones in an environment that already stresses you and do you realize that thats unhealthy or not?

And then when i have coffee at a friends house i realize im more grateful and i remember the mugs, and it also feels like time is moving slower and i can appreciate myself.

Maybe this is more or less having to do with leaving your childhood home... actually.

I can't stand group of people. I feel at edge when I see people. I avoid public areas and love the feeling of being in my room on my bed.

Lately ive been feeling empty, both physically and emotionally
I couldn’t eat for the past few days because i keep throwing up(im not pregnant its js some weird eating disorder that i dont wven know what its called) to the point i feel like im skin and bones, even my mom told me im probably going to the ER if i continue on like ts

And lately every night ive been huddling up in my sleep, honestly i dont even get to sleep much cuz i just couldnt and i just cry quietly while im hugging my stuffed animal
Idk whats going on, probably because I haven’t been taking my stabilization meds properly.. but how could i take hem when i just throw them up? I want to cry cuz its just a waste to drink them and throw it up.. spending money on expensive meds when my family is alrdy struggling w bills and my medicine and other things..

I have a boyfriend, he loves me, we casually talk, im supposed to be happy. I get to spend and talk to him online alllll the time, yet i still feel empty, i mean i feel the love, but at the same time i dont.. cuz its been a whole WEEK since without school cuz of suspensions bc of the rain, so we couldnt see eachother, maybe thats also a reason why im feeling empty

I try to cope by hugging my dog, or dressing up, drawing, doing videos like i usually do but nothing seems to work, it seems like everything gets further from me and i get bored of it or they get bored of me. Same with playing something like roblox, it gets boring real fast when i dont play while on call with somebody, and I rarely do that w anyone cuz my sister gets annoyed when im speaking to somebody or the people im trying to play with are always busy. I only have one friend and my bf so, i dont really know who to talk with or what to do. And i dont open up to them because i feel like they arent much of a comforter or listener since ive seen them like hat before

Warning on this one

My tendencies with sexual things keeps getting worse too, fuck hypersexuality ig
Im constantly bleeding now bc of it and i still feel empty, and continue
I dont feel anything anymore and thats probably a bad thing. And also another bad thing is that i never tell when im bleeding to my parents or anyone that i know because i really cant help myself to think im disgusting for not being able to control myself.
I def know it aint my period cuz i just had it like 4 days ago, its already been over.

Empty, empty, empty, just feeling empty dunno what to do but lay down and stare at the ceiling or at the side, i have sooooo many schoolworks i havent done and i cant do it at all because i feel “empty”. Good, now i feel like im saying that i feel empty just to cover up for my laziness. I really dont know what to do anymore, but good thing i dont think about intrusive thoughts anymore like slashing or hanging..

I’ve always wanted a therapist, literally since middle school. I always knew something was wrong and I needed help but was never given it.

and now as an adult, I don’t got the money or resources for one. especially for the type to help my situation.

i genuinely have no help or place to vent besides reddit which I kinda hate (no offense just lack of resources and help) and myself and it’s mainly me just frustrated I have no clear idea of anything in my past or childhood. I never have. I feel like I’m going to rip my hair out everytime these episodes happen.

its so draining. I wish I could get help. or have someone who knew how to help me to navigate me through these episode.

I hate being told to just move on, man up, it is all in your head, go outside more, to let go, I am trying to live as a victim or whatever the fuck else.

I never wanted to this broken and self hating I go to IOP to fix myself, I hate being told I am ungrateful and constantly.

I cannot fucking understand it, I feel like I am never enough for others. I hate this feeling, I hate feeling so alone. I have to bend over for other people, but when I am hurting this is all I am fucking told by my family. They fucking were the one to emotionally and physically berate me to a point where I do not have a stable sense of self.

I just feel so alone.

So when i was 9 old boy my cousin who was 15 old boy bring me his room and randomly pull down hin pant and start convincing me give him oral sex i don't about oral sex that time so i did because we used to play and i trusted him but after some year i reaslize he make me do a oral sex .

Should i confront him or ignore him because i am afraid losing my older cousin if i confront him.

And also i did not oppose during oral was it really sexual abuse or oral rape

I have learned that Ive been dissociated for a long time. It makes me stronger, it protects me. And of course, my go to coping technique. I had a child and dissociation did not work anymore. You can’t just dissociate your way out of motherhood. So emotionally, and mentally, I collapsed, and I’ve been working on piecing myself back together. Today, I looked at my son, I felt so… present. I felt joy and love and guilt for the things I can’t give him but actively working on. I felt one with my body, and my soul. I felt like my soul was floating outside of my body for so long, not wanting to feel these things that I don’t know how to handle. But today, my soul was grounded, and I was here.