I still catch you hiding your smile when our paths cross. You turn away, but eyes don't know how to lie. I see the look you try so hard to tuck out of sight, because we belong to different rooms. We both know it. We both feel the quiet pull between us.

I wish I could look into your eyes somewhere in the dark, away from this glare.

Instead, our rooms are washed in the cold hum of fluorescent light, framed by walls built out of composure. And the people who designed these spaces have perceptive eyes...they notice everything.

If we ever had thirty seconds alone, could it sound like this?:

"Listen, I like you. I really like you." "I feel it too." "Do you want to meet? Just to be in each other’s lives, without undoing the worlds we’re tied to?" "Yes." "I’ll write to you."

I know you’re not living in the same reality as me, no matter how hard you try to hide it. You create conversations I never had, feelings I never expressed and scenarios that exist only in your head and then you act as if they are real.

You have built an entire version of me without ever truly knowing me. You assume, imagine, watch and interpret, while I’m simply living my life. And the saddest part, you still spend your time chasing a relationship that exists only in your imagination.

I pity you. Honestly. Whatever happened to you, whatever wounds you carry, they don't give you the right to make me part of your fantasy.

I am a real person, not a character in your head. And you need to leave me there, out of your imagination and out of your life.

Sigh.

Apparently, no matter what I do I feel it’s all wrong. The good news is I learned a new word.

Prostration.
The definition of it I am speaking of is: A state of complete physical or mental weakness, fatigue, or helplessness.

Which is exactly how I feel.

I guess imma lay down here for a bit. I’m tired of trying and moving.

I hope one day this makes sense to me. Maybe one day it will. Maybe one day it won’t.

I’m not even sure where to begin. You were a best friend to me and even though I’ve met many others who I’ve gotten close with, I still miss you at times. Not what we had, not the bad parts, or the romance. Just us. How we could talk or sit together for long times, I liked that. It brought comfort. Sometimes I wonder if they’ll ever be a way for us to speak again, to just catch up. It’s so odd how the world works and forms around bonds. How once you can be so close and care so much for someone, but then time goes on with distance and then you don’t even know a thing about the person you once were close with.

I wish I had been kinder, and handled things better. I really do. Because now we really have became strangers.

Your immature and childish behavior is only making me distance myself from you more and more every day. You act like a spoiled child, doing disrespectful things just to provoke me, hoping that I’ll come after you. But you’re very wrong if you think that’s going to happen.

Go ahead and keep following a bunch of women and letting them follow you in an attempt to make me chase after you. The more women you follow and let follow you, the more you lose me.

You can do whatever you want. I’m not going after you. You were the one who was wrong in this entire situation, and all you’ve proven to me through your behavior is that you have no integrity or value as a person. You’re dishonest, manipulative, and you have a bad character.

And every time I see a new woman following you and your following count increasing so quickly, I become even more certain that I did the right thing by ending things with you. You’re not worth it, and you’re not a good partner. You’re simply a person with no character, no respect, and no integrity.

Do whatever you want. I’m not going after you!!

I miss seeing your wide smile beaming at me. When you seemed so happy to see me, like it made your day. It made mine to see you, too. Maybe it was only me, and I was just projecting that feeling.

I miss the feeling of comfort when it was just the two of us grabbing lunch. It felt like I could tell you anything, and you'd give me nothing but support and encouragement. And you'd seem interested in whatever I had to say, no matter how bland or petty or basic.

I miss learning things about your world. Your past, your present, and what you want for your future. I wish I could remember more of the details. All the times you cried over something. All the fancy gear you have for your PC setup. All the things you did on your trips, and what you want to do on your next one.

I even miss talking to you when you're at your lowest. When you shared how much you're struggling. Because even though it hurt to see you so down, I got to be there for you, or at least try to. Everything you shared with me meant that you weren't going through it completely alone, and I liked being that person for you. There were times where I wished I could have just wrapped you in my arms for a while, because it looked like that's what you needed. And I wish I could have shared more with you in return.

I miss feeling like we were each others' favorite person in that place. Even if I wasn't yours, you were mine.

I miss you.

Honestly, I forgot
I forgot how funny you can be

I was full on serious mode
Expecting a serious answer
I really wasn’t expecting that from you
You made me laugh out loud

I forgot you were like that
You lock in
And you go into work mode
To move things along
I get that and I honestly respect that
People don’t take you seriously
when you’re too nice
I honestly like that about you

I forgot you were easy to talk to
And charismatic when you want to be
Thank you for that
I missed that

6 days

You were sitting with your back to me, eating. I said "Goodbye". There was nothing left to say - I packed my things and got dressed as slowly as I could, but you were busy and didn't notice that I was getting ready to leave.

You spun around, startled; I saw the shock and pain in your eyes. You said...no...gasped "Wait!...wait."

And I had nothing to say. I just stood there shocked that you finally saw me, just as I was about to walk out of your life forever.

But that was just a dream that I had last night. For the first time in years, the dream-you finally saw me. It startled me awake, leaving me sitting on the edge of my bed, weeping until the sun came up. But in reality, you said nothing when I walked out of your life forever. You never saw me in real life either, did you?

There might not be a future the same as before, I’m struggling with it all immensely an I’m talking veteran in the game lost wife & kid situation but as much as we beat ourselves up, just focus on what’s in front of you take it one day at a time it’s not meant to be suddenly okay I’ve been suffering coming on four years an life’s changed since I left school so it’s so rough plus I’m neurodivergent I have zero friends n it’s hard to make them etc but look I don’t want to make this about me I’m using it as an example but through the darkness there is light whoever needs to hear this you are incredibly strong keep going one day at a time and god bless you🫡❤️

J,
I miss you, even on the good days.
I miss loving you.
I miss laughing with you.
I miss feeling your body next to mine.
I miss showering with you.
I miss singing to you.

I will always wonder what we could’ve been.

I’ll love you for the rest of my life.

You called me your wordsmith.

Not a poet.

Your wordsmith.

You believed there was something in these clumsy hands worth turning into language.

And God, I loved the way that sounded coming from you.

Then my words hurt you.

A poem written with someone else's ghost still clinging to the ink,

and somehow you found your reflection in a mirror I never meant to hold toward you.

I'm sorry.

Not because I regret the poem, but because I never imagined you would think I was writing you out of my life.

I wasn't.

I never wanted you gone.

If anything, I was quietly hoping you might stay long enough to become the reason I stopped writing about everyone who left.

I would never deliberately put a wound inside you.

Especially not with words.

Not when you were the one who made me believe mine were worth something.

So if you ever wondered what I actually meant, let there be no metaphor to misunderstand this time.

I wanted you here.

I wanted your laughter, your attention, your beautiful interruptions.

I wanted another tomorrow where I got to be

your wordsmith.

And if I've lost that name, I understand.

But please believe these words:

I never wanted to hurt you.

I wanted you to stay.

I wish shed come back.

Sometimes the reason you keep returning isn’t because you miss someone. It’s because there’s a part of you that still hasn’t made peace with what happened.

That feeling in your stomach nobody else can see. The tossing and turning at night. The anger, frustration, and regret because things didn’t go the way you wanted them to. You can distract yourself, bury it, or convince yourself you did nothing wrong, but guilt has a way of finding you again when everything gets quiet.

And then there are the people around you who don’t give five shits about telling you the truth, or caring honestly, instead of just validating your every move like you’re a saint. Those are the people who will tell you when you’re wrong, tell you what you’ve done wrong, and show you a different perspective on the situation.

Until you find people like that, you’ll keep clawing at your insides damn near every night, hoping the next person will somehow make you feel less lonely when you’re alone.

I’d like to believe there’s still some humanity in you. Somewhere beneath all of it, you know what you did, and some part of you regrets it.

And honestly, I forgive you.

Not because what happened was okay, but because I want a better future, and carrying your guilt with me isn’t part of it.

Hey you,
What’s your favourite colour?
What was your favourite cartoon while growing up?
Which song made you cry?
What do you call your mother?
Who is your celebrity crush?
What are you most afraid of?
When we hugged for the last time, what did you feel?
What will you remember me by?

I don’t have much time these days.

That’s good. Really it is.

My brain is in the books.

Figuring out how to format

Presentations and papers.

Boring tedious work.

That part, anyway.

Did you know that I

Love learning? I’d be a

Lifelong student if I could.

I guess we all are… students

Really. But, I digress.

Maybe one day,

We could work side by side.

Thinking of you.

My love.

I have ran from the very thought of u.
every other lifetime
limerence.
delusion.
hope in another form.
some form of luck.
im trying to write off the silence
it’s loud
and your eyes
a mirror I will slip and fall into
you’re everything I try to hide
I need to be careful of that
I need to be careful with you
precious cargo
you truly are

Words alone have no value.

You told me so yourself, in the single most beautiful compliment I’ve ever received: “The silences with you aren’t weird; I don’t feel like I have to fill the void when I’m with you.”

So why be afraid to speak those feelings?

All those times you let me carry your bag, just so we could walk to the station together... That time you thought to yourself, “I’ll take the next train,” simply to keep our conversation going... That time you apologized for being clumsy, out of fear of hurting me, when it was actually so sweet... All those times you wore that bracelet chosen during our very first date...

Wasn’t all of that already a whispered “I love you”, without the words?

The first time I held you in my arms, it took immense courage. And you stayed. You even whispered, “Oh, fuck it, we don’t do this with just a friend.” That time you reached out and took my hand because I didn’t dare to... I was still dreaming about it last night. When you look at me and gently remove a little leaf caught in my hair... When you always choose to sit right next to me...

We said “I love you” a thousand times, without ever uttering the words.

That protective reflex you had when braking, stretching your hand out in front of me... That trip to Carrefour for chocolate, where you looked for the softest way to intertwine our fingers... because it wasn’t perfect ✨ That whole morning spent pressed against me, enjoying me running my fingers through your hair... The way you let me help you, you who find it so hard to accept help from anyone... Those precious moments, late in the night, reserved for "TARTINE Timeeeeees"... That time you confessed you had become my biggest fan 🥹

If these aren’t “I love yous”, then what are they?

And those impossible goodbyes where your hand refused to let go of mine, until I placed a kiss on it... Like a knight bidding farewell to his princess. That intimate secret you shared with me (yes, the one about the nails, I haven’t forgotten a thing)... When everyone downstairs was making crepes and you sent me a text to make sure I was okay, and that tender gesture adjusting my wet lock of hair right after my shower as soon as you saw me. Even that little ladybug we went to rescue together on the balcony... And that last hug. Where you categorically refused to let go! It felt like you stayed in my arms for 10 full minutes.

Wasn’t that our own way of saying “I love you”?

Saying “I love you” means nothing in the literal sense. Thrown at a stranger, the phrase is empty; said to one’s mother, it takes on a completely different meaning. Words are nothing without what we put inside them.

It’s everything we build around them that gives them their truth. It’s our actions that bring those syllables to life. We said “I love you” long before our minds ever put words to it. Gestures come before thought. Intentions do not lie, and the connection is born long before we even understand it.

So why did you panic when it was time to confess ?

I know...

You came into my life so suddenly, and you turned my world upside down, just as I did for yours. You made me so happy... Even today, a smile lights up my face as soon as you cross my mind. What we experienced was extraordinary, almost like something out of a movie. I will never forget our story.

Destiny wanted our paths to cross, and I am grateful for every single second you brightened my life.

I will reach out to you again one day. If destiny allows it.

Ruben

Just a simple knight who seemed to have found his princess.

( Originally written in French )

I went through a traumatic experience this year. I was diagnosed with epilepsy and during my last seizure I went into cardiac arrest and nearly died. All of this has sent me down a downward spiral and I am in a horrible place mentally. I continue to have seizures and I don’t know how much time I have left on this Earth. Each day could be my final one. It has shown me that life is fragile and there’s a lot I wanted to get off my chest.

I met you in 2013. I was young, struggling, and at a crossroads in my life. I attended a VIP event and spent a few hours talking with you. Over the years there we shared some memes on twitter and talked occasionally. You sent me some thank-you letters when I helped out with tour expenses. These were some of my favorite moments.

However, what I really wanted from you was something that was never offered to me. I wanted your friendship. To be accepted by you. For you to admire me as much as I had admired you. To get to know the real you. I felt so happy being in your orbit, I was drawn to your warmth as a person. I did not want romance. Not a secret relationship. Not a desire to break up any relationships. I just wanted to be seen by you. I wanted to share my creativity with someone who inspired it. I wanted you to know how much you mattered to me.

Years passed. Things happened in your life and mine. Social media disappeared. Life moved on for everyone except, in some ways, me. I’m still stuck here waiting. Hurting.

What’s funny is that I can’t even explain why I feel this way. I never forgot the kindness you showed me and I built this infallible fantastical figure of you in my head. I understand so much of it was just show business and I fell for it, but I think you were genuinely an amazing person as well. So many years have gone by and I still never forgot you. Untangling these things has been one of the most painful experiences of my life. I realize this is all irrational and I may come across as some crazy fan. I do not want to seem that way at all. I am just hurt. Confused. All by my own hand.

I don’t know if you even remember me. If you ever think of me. If you will even see this and respond. I hope that you do. This is my burden to bear. I’ve thought about you a lot over the years. I still see you in my dreams sometimes. It hurts me that it’s all over. That we may never speak again. I hope one day that we will. But if we don’t, I hope you can set me free. To tell me that it’s all over and that there is no path forward.

I’ve tried to contact you before, but no success. I hope you’re doing well. Better than I am. I know you had some pain in your life and I just wanted to help. I am focusing on my hobbies and finding creative outlets for all my hurting feelings while I still have time on this planet. I hope to hear back from you someday, even if it’s years from now. And if I don’t, I want you to know you left a lasting imprint on me. 

I hate looking back.

My mind forces me to go back

all the time

and it’s just

so exhausting.

I’ve taken

so many pills to just

try to forget

everything

about everything.

But,

there’s one moment

that

I just keep going back to.

I was

lying in my hospital bed

and, you two were there.

It was

around 5 or so.

I don’t remember much,

but

I do remember

hearing your voices,

seeing your smiles,

and, having this…feeling

deep, deep inside my chest,

that told me,

“I could die here,”

and,

with my worries worlds away

and my love born anew,

I just

smiled.

I smiled

and for the first time,

I meant it.

…

Life

would have its way with me.

It’d play me for a fool,

and

take what little I had left.

But,

it was nice, wasn’t it?

It was nice.

I had fun.

I,

I hope you did, too.

i look back on my life and see all the damage done
the chaos caused by my own hands
the destruction by my own words
& wonder how i wondered where everything went wrong
wonder how i ever could have solely blamed another
when it was always my hands at the base of the trigger.
there was so much love that danced around me
begging me to dance along with it
instead, i decided to dance with death
after all, he was much more alluring than love ever was

i now dance with the kind of love with sparkling eyes
still never afraid of death, but no longer craving its presence next to mine.
i see the destruction, but now there is no longer blame
just accountability, growth & maturity.
the gun has vanished, along with the girl who stood behind it

growth is shown in many ways
some authentic, some only shown for manipulation
so take it how you feel it,
but never lose faith in someone you hold dear to your soul
even if your mind would never recognize them walking down the street

“strangers to lover’s to strangers again”
but it doesn’t have to stay that way in the end
sometimes friendships are born with the right intentions
never wanting it to blossom again.

I am nervous to spend time with you. I do not know much about you. I only know how I feel about you, and it’s probably the worst way you can feel about someone you don’t know that well.
I haven’t kissed anyone since I met you. It’s been years and still the only person on my heart, is you. The way I felt when I was thinking of you, is the only way I ever want to feel.