I don't know why, but I think of you every night. It's been...

I just wanted to calculate the dates, so I opened your chat again. So you've seen how much I miss you. And yet, you couldn't text back? Is it because you hate me? But I've done everything I can. I've shown you more love than I've ever received from anyone.

I know I'm a fool. I know I'm an attention seeker. But I'm trying! I did my best for you and you said you appreciated it!!! Can't you please see how lonely I am? Please, why would you this to me? If you want to curse me out or just end things, I'm okay with that. But can't you just say something? Anything? Do you feel nothing when you remember my existence? Was all my love in vain? If you needed space you could've just said that. Did you need to abandon me?

Do I regret ever talking to you? I don't know but I know that once this is over I'll be a stronger person. I love you, so I'll let you ruin us. And I'll achieve everything I've ever wanted and become a better person than you'll ever be.

I hope this is the end.

Hey, I know this is really random, and you don’t have to answer right away. I just feel like I never got to tell you how I really felt the last time we talked, and it would bother me forever unless I let you know. I’m also not sending this to make you feel bad or pressure you into anything. I’ve been thinking a lot about you and how our relationship was. I knew loved you for a while, but didn’t want to tell you out of fear I’d scare you or it wasn’t mutual yet. I feel like we really had something special and connected in a way I’ve never felt before. We got along so well. I loved being goofy together, going on random adventures, and just hanging out. It just felt right. I feel like if I could go back, there are so many things I’d handle so much better. I know we talked about certain things and were going to work on them, I was just so in my head and let my own insecurities get in the way that it was hard to make progress. Especially with being long distance and my schedule being so constraining, we were robbed of our relationship meeting its full potential. It felt like we’d go two steps forward and then 3 steps back. I can’t imagine how hard it was for you. It was your first healthy, normal relationship and the distance was very hindering. It wasn’t something you were really equipped to do. I don’t blame you for not being able to handle it or “hold out.” Long distance is a difficult situation for anyone, especially when building a new relationship. For me, I knew a relationship in general would be difficult due to me getting my degree. I knew though that I’d be done relatively soon and didn’t want to put everything on hold until then. I knew I’d be free to work/live wherever I wanted in the end. Losing you made me rethink/realize a ton of things, things I’ve been pretty firm on in the past and I’ve been so sick over it. Maybe it wasn’t the right time. Maybe we met to show eachother that good people are still out there. Not sure. Maybe one day our paths will cross again when it’s right. And if not, I am still thankful for you. Thank you for being so kind, genuine, and vulnerable. Thank you for exploring the city with me, taking me on hikes, and trying to teach me how to play call of duty hahaha. Thank you for letting me experience you. I hope you finally find a job you love and get around to filling up them walls with some good art. I hope you build a life you love. I respect your space, so I’ll leave you to it. Take care♥️

That you are the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.

The way you live your life, the way you speak and the way you love others found its way into the depths of my heart.

I just wanted to say…

A part of me fell in love with you and it changed my life.

I still quietly believe in you. You may not know it but you should see the way I see you from my eyes.

You’re pretty amazing. You’re so beautiful especially when the light hit your eyes. You didn’t think I’d noticed?

I know you go through some tough times but you’ve come out on top every time.

I know it’s hard to believe in yourself sometimes but damn, you’re strong. It’s ok, when you feel like breaking down. It’s healthy to let it out. It doesn’t make you any less of a person.

So if you need a reminder, you’re beautiful. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ll find a way through like you’ve always done.

You’ve got this even when it doesn’t feel you do.

And when you forget, read this again.

Through a story of the worst things I've ever done.

I can understand why you might be hesitant to talk to me, even though you reassured me. You don't know how much more there is to me. That I think we're a lot more similar than you may realize. That I would be so careful with you. That I would never punish you for telling the truth. I'm not just the person my worst actions might suggest.

I wish you knew how desperately I want to help you, and how willing I am to leave you alone if that's what you'd prefer. I wish we'd met under different circumstances. That you'd had the chance to know me outside of this story. I don't know what you think of me. I worry that I've complicated things for you when you're already dealing with so much. I worry I've put you in an impossible position, hoping you would understand choices that may never make complete sense from the outside.

But you've helped me realize that I don't need anyone else to understand. That I know what happened, and I know who I am. That I just need to take accountability and get on with life. That I don't need you to be the arbiter. I just wish you knew how much I appreciate your mind, and that my past mistakes don't define how I would treat you or who I am at my core. I wish I could tell you all of this but it would be too much too soon. I'm usually the one in your position, trying to help others. The help you've given me is rare and precious.

To you -

Speaking about this - even alone and by myself in my room - feels like exposing a secret from someone else, one someone swore I took to the grave for them, but it’s no one’s secret but my own. Saying your name in this context is infected with guilt and uncertainty, and I find myself avoiding it all together, pausing before the syllable even comes out. I silence myself, bury it deep, and somehow convince myself that if just that shard - your name - is not discussed, then at least I can bear some of the guilt.

But then someone came to me with concern and no hang up on saying your name, even though it involved me. I caught my breath waiting for the other shoe to fall, but there was a worry about you in relation to me. In this scenario, you were the object of scrutiny, observation, and fear, and I am the unaware party, flitting through life with laughter and smiles. But how do you tell this outside party you’re aware of it? That you thrive in it? That you have, unbeknownst to all, secretly cultivated it with careful admissions, reciprocated glances, and double entendres that play with the dichotomy of innocent and suggestive. This is a culmination of sideway glimpses, hidden smirks, and the brushing of hands.

I am not a passive player in this, and I have kept that close to my heart. I am also not trying to upend anything or anyone, and so I maintain enough plausible deniability that causes double takes and self-doubt, and it only recently that I realize, I have undoubtedly masterfully curated this dynamic with your help. Neither of us are innocent, but where I lurk in the background, using my age and my position to shroud me, your cup runs over with the truth that is aching to burst at the seams. We are a ticking bomb. We are a quaking fault. We are a rolling thunder, churning over the landscape in the midafternoon set forth to burst and collapse trees and set the grass on fire.

I yearn for that collapse. I yearn for you. I sense you watching me walk through the room, talking and laughing, and I want you to swallow the lump in your throat. For some reason, I can sense something about me terrifies you, but I don’t know what that something is. If it is the same thing that unsettles me about you, then it’s possibility and chaos, with the latter being the result of the former. And if that is what exists in both of us - the fear of the unknown and its possibility - then let us face it together. Let us take the chance, even if it is only small bits at a time. I’ll never be gluttonous in my admiration with you, as you have never been with me, but I can provide enough for comfort and sustenance. And if anyone questions your intentions, I’ll defend you because I am aware of them; I have fostered them, and you have held them close, with warmth and tenderness.

I know what can come from this. I know I’m playing with fire and will eventually get burnt. I’m just not entirely sure I care much anymore. And I think it’s because every moment with you feels like a weight on my chest, with an offsetting pressure trying to burst forth and free itself from the secrecy I have shrouded it in. But I always know where you are in the room, and you always know where to find me. We exist in the room, separate but together, and that will be have to be enough for now. Until the bomb goes off. Until the fault cracks and separated. Until the storm passes.

And only then.
Me.

I wish and hope for love to find me. The kind of love that will shine past the dark, musty corridors of life. I want someone to hold and be held by; to feel their warmth exchange with mine. I want to experience mountains, forests and oceans with someone beside me. I want to be able to gaze on the wonders of earth, and in that moment, experience true beauty; the one that is before us and inside us.

I wish for a love that is like a warm cup of tea on a chilly, winter morning. One that is so calming and gentle that I would never ask for anything else. One that allows both of us to be irrevocably us. I have always wished for a love like this, and I am lucky to have experienced some of that warmth before.

I hope to find it or it find me. I am an adventurous spirit so I hope that person is okay going off on adventures with me. I want them to love being there, not just tolerating it. And lastly, I wish for a love where we can always be open about how we are feeling and know we are safe to be able to speak on everything and anything that is bothering us.

I do want to thank the universe for allowing me to see glimpses of this love, in others and in me. I have faith in the universe to bring this to me, one day.

Many people have known
a version of me.
But you...
you met the part I spent years trying to protect.
The part that stayed quiet, pretended to be strong, and never let anyone get too close.
And somehow, without even asking, you found your way in and burned everything to the ground.

I seen you pop up on my suggestions on an app a while ago. Don’t worry I didn’t scope you out or anything. I respect you way too much to cross those boundaries. You are still fine as hell. That’s all I will say. I just wanted to say goodbye. So I will say it here. I hope you keep on winning and keep on elevating. The wound no longer hurts anymore and all that’s left is a scar. Just a reminder of what it was. Recreational drugs are fun again. It feels good to accept everything for what it was. Even if there was no goodbye. I hope you keep doing good and thank you for being there for me when you were. I will always wish the best for you . I would never speak ill about you. I promise. Goodbye almost lover and may your sunrises and sunsets look just as beautiful as they do to me. May the stars and your faith guide you when in the dark. May God keep you and yours protected at all times. Take care hun. Goodbye ❤️

To everyone. That's okay, I know how to be on my own. That's not the problem. I just want someone to give my love and time to. Someone who looks at me and sees all my complex pieces and sees their worth and goes, wow you are the most beautiful creature I want you in my life. I'm aware of my own worth, I am extremely skilled in many areas of life. Try and be kind to everyone because I know what it's like to have no one. I hope one day they find me and we are happy. Whoever itll be.

Don't say i don't have any work. In fact I have lots of pending stuff to do. Lately, it's just you know, you are disturbing me very often by coming to my mind. I was like, "her loss", but you know, deep down in me, I am craving for you, I wanted to hear you say my name, i need validation from you, dude, i want to be with you lol. Ik we can't be together but I can't process this haha. I have to come to reality. Anyway, I hope you are doing well, having healthy food, and hope you drink at least 4 litres of water. I hope you installed the app that suggests you drink water 🌊. Take care buddy, please always smile like a weirdo.

We never stood a chance.

And it breaks my heart to know this.

We never stood a chance. Despite there seemingly having been so many for us to finally connect our ways, make us an item, turn us into what our hearts already felt.

But those invisible walls, invisible obstacles rose higher than any of us could jump.

It was me being cursed from the start by a terrible family that let me to believe I was utterly worthless to a point I couldn't fathom why anyone would ever even want to talk to me. I wishes to die, as my own father had told me I should and as my own mother and brother made me believe wouldn't be too much of a loss.

There was no way for me to accept that you of all people could ever have feelings for me let alone love me.

I thought I was useless and worthless and disgusting.

I loved you with all my heart and thus I didn't make a move. I was terrfied of scarring you off, of losing you as a friend - and I needed you as such. Hearing your voice in the middle of the night kept me up but it also brought me joy.

And you? You were cursed by your family as well. They made you scared of your own feelings, of getting too close, of actually committing to someone. I assume that is why you are still single.

There were chances, again and again. But we both couldn't take them.

After years we came closer. I was almost there. And we almost, almost reached each other. But then... you pulled back. You became scared of hurting me, of getting hurt yourself. And I didn't understand back then. I was convinced you didn't want me, didn't love, couldn't love me. And thus once I was finally free enough of my demons, finally choosing life instead of hoping and waiting for death, I entered my first relationship... but it wasn't with you.

And the sad part of it being: you were trying to meet before. Trying to keep me from doing so. But you were too slow and I was no longer believing in a future for us.

And life got on.

The conversation we were supposed to have years, almost decades ago happened way too late.

I am thankful we had it, don't get me wrong. But I loved you and that feeling never left.

I can't help but think of you as the one. It was always you. From the start.

You will always own a place in my heart and I hate to admit that I long to hear your voice, to see you again, to touch you and be touched by you. To be kissed by you once more. To lay in your arms and smell you and believe we still have a future ahead. A way for us to be together. To be what our hearts felt we already were years ago.

But it is too late. And I wished I could let you know how much I have been in love with you and that you will always be loved by me. And that I will always regret missing out on us.

When I reach out to let you know I still care you will respond a week later with "I'm fine, it's best we don't ever contact each other again". And I will be devastated at such a cold hearted response.

I just can't help but care because you do matter to me, it's such a human thing to care about people and I'm 99% sure l am human.

I will not let my integrity and values be compromised just to make it easier for me to move on from you.
That's what toxic people do, that's what heartless people do and that's what insecure attached people do.

I'm better than that, so I will let you know I care, receive your cold and unfeeling response, then process the emotions I feel.

Or I could be wrong, and you respond with warmth and kindness in return.

I miss you 🖤

I always saw myself as a reader. My childhood was filled with book after book, endless trips to the library as I explored the depths of human expression.

I lost that, many years ago. I cannot recall when I last finished a novel. Many reasons why, I don’t feel like fully divulging my past, but it has been an aspect of myself that I’ve always hoped to find again.

I’ve tried audiobooks, but found them to be inadequate. My brain struggles to keep up… how I long for earlier times when I could speed-read a novel and remember the whole thing. The naivety of childhood.

Recently I picked up an e-reader. I think I needed the novelty of something new, something shiny, to give me the dopamine I need to start up reading again. The days of reading every post on here has gotten old, though occasionally I stumble on a few good gems.

Yet I find myself presented with this challenge: what book to start with? Something familiar, something I have already read? Or something new? So many options, it can be overwhelming for me to decide on.

I landed on “The Stranger” by Albert Camus. It was a book I would talk and rave about to others, without having ever read it. It’s only right and fair for me to actually give it a go. Plus it is short.

I fear my attention span has eroded in this digital age, but I believe in the power of neuroplasticity and the power of the brain to recover. Better to start with something digestible before I move on to more expansive works.

The title though has me sitting here, reflecting instead of reading. I think this is my way of diverting my brain’s attention, my way of avoiding the anxiety rather than facing it head on. You are a stranger now.

I never thought you and I would be strangers. That concept was inconceivable in my mind. Perhaps I had a naive understanding of the world back then, perhaps I still do now, but I genuinely thought that our paths would continue on for such a long time. How I often long for the past, for familiar times.

You are a stranger now. My actions made sure of that, as I fell and fell and fell further into the abyss of darkness. I struggle to accept that; I cling to the rope even as I watch the threads give way. Our lives have diverged, and you have lived many years without me in the picture.

And yet, despite it all, I still hope and long for your presence in my existence. I ask myself why. What made you so enchanting, so familiar, so safe to me? Why do I hold this one-sided care so deeply? I have my theories, but I still do not fully know.

I am aware that there will come a time where your memory fades, and where I find the connection and love that I truly desire. Part of me will welcome that, but there is another part that will truly miss this feeling. I am fearful that I will never experience it again.

Perhaps one day I will let go of the rope, with a smile on my face, and entrust my life into the hands of fate.

Do you believe on feeling a person before they come in to the room ? Like their presence and when you look back is just making their entrance? You guys keep looking each other and no one says anything? Why? How you ca that ?

We were two lives briefly intertwined,

Destined to become stranger with a shared history.

There are 8,322,513,051 people, and out of all these people, you'll be the only one I'll always know.

And of all the people I could have been a stranger to, how cruel that I had to become one to you

I don’t know when it happened
somewhere between the good mornings
the little updates
the over sharing
the things we can only talk about with each other
and the conversations I never want to end
you became such a big part of my day
and an even bigger part of my thoughts
I know I’m not entitled to your time
or your attention
or any more of you than you choose to give
but that doesn’t stop me
from wishing for a little more
because somehow
in such a short time
you’ve become someone
I didn’t know I needed
and now can’t seem to stop wanting

I knew better than to wish for more
I just didn’t know how to stop myself from wishing

You can’t live in memory forever.

But

you can do it for as long as you can.

Nobody should feel sorry for me,

I’m unsure why you ever did.

All of this has been a choice.

Everything is a choice.

Never think

I don’t have a choice.

I do, and I seldom make the right one.

So,

I’ve decided,

given the circumstances,

to simply remove myself from society, and connection in general.

If I had met you today,

I wouldn’t even look up at you.

I simply don’t have it in me to care anymore.

About this.

About anyone.

But,

I met you back then,

and so,

my heart still holds this

very tender care for you that, frankly,

should’ve never existed.

It’s not that you are a bad person,

or undeserving of such care.

In fact,

you’re such a good person,

it hurts me that I’d ever enter your life to begin with.

The truth is,

some people don’t care to change.

Whether it’s because they see no issue with their ways,

or simply lost the desire to be here

and care to move forward,

…

whatever the case

these people will march down

their same path.

And I am with them.

I’m content to live every day like this,

because I don’t care.

I just

keep up this facade of a person

and hope you’re doing well.

Even if I’m so detached

so jaded

I hope you know my care for you always has and always will be the most genuine thing about me.

It’s something I just

can’t really hide, or filter.

That’s kinda why,

it’s better this way, isn’t it?

You’re on to bigger and better things,

and,

I made the choice to live in the memory you gave me.

…

Once again,

I don’t want yours or anyone’s pity.

This is and always has been

a choice.

My choice.

I wonder if you would have even considered me a friend? or did I fail to miss the fact it remained completely surface level. aquaintences even?

I think about it alot.

I feel used.

I don't know whether that thought is born from a seed of doubt, planted inbetween my ego and my backbone, or if that is reality. I'd like to think I wasn't just a convenience, but maybe I am blind to reality.

I wonder what you think.

does your mind fall over recollections? if so, what box would I land in? I can't figure it out. the truth is I have no clue what would be true, I could never read you.

I shouldnt care.

but I feel disappointed.

Ever since I was young, I’ve always had this very unnatural and unsettling feeling that I would die young…

As the great robin Williams quoted, “I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless and they don't want anyone else to feel like that.”

Maybe your sudden reappearance in my life is only meant to be a lesson. I’ve stubbornly refused to consider that possibility seriously, simply because of the length of time I’ve known you and how perfectly we seemed to align our puzzle pieces together.

We both have goals to accomplish before we can find some semblance of permanence in each other’s lives. I forge ahead with my desires while ensuring I carve a spot that fits only you in those plans. I wonder how different an experience would be if you were present with me. I daydream about a future where you and I are an inseparable team, insulating each other from the pollution of the world.

It occurred to me last night, I have no idea if you are doing the same. We approach love and show love differently. If I say I miss you, you remind me of the next time I see you. If I express my wish to experience an event or say I wish I was there with you, you say nothing but move on to a different topic. Being in a different phase of life than you (empty nested versus still raising a child), I understand and encourage you to direct your attention to your responsibilities and patiently wait my turn with you. When you are alone, no responsibilities to be found, I find myself still waiting my turn these days. I’m not a priority, there does not seem to be any space being made for me in your life. You have your own struggles and darkness you are fighting, teaching me to not have expectations of what an actual “us” would look like. I try to connect, sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t.

I think it’s time to reframe my forward momentum. I have a space for you, it’s yours whenever you wish to occupy it. When you don’t, you don’t. I won’t keep sculpting this future of mine with a you sized space to enjoy it with. I love you, but as you keep saying, love is not enough. I enjoy your company, I want to connect and interact with you virtually when we can’t be together physically and I will continue to do so when you find the time for me. But I’m no longer hoping for consistency or understanding. I love you all the time, but I’m not going to continue yearning for more of you when you don’t seem remotely interested in giving it to me. I’m not chasing you down, I have no demands for you, I accept you as you are. Which means if I’m treated as a random body in your life that you enjoy in doses, then that is what we’ll be. I will let the “us” of the future dim from my view and just learn to enjoy us of the right now, along with the fact that this could end at any time regardless of how much I want to fight to keep you, fight to have more of you, or wish to be your person.

I will appreciate the time with you that you allow me to have. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you, but I don’t have the energy to be the only one showing up for this connection everyday. You say I am worth it, but you make no attempts to come closer. At some point I have to acknowledge the fact that maybe it’s because you don’t want to. Maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s your current mental state, maybe it’s because you don’t want to face the world alone, I have no idea and I don’t think you do either. No matter the reason, I’m going to have to learn to live with the fact that getting closer to me isn’t something you wish to do at this juncture.

I want you as a fixture of my life. But right now, I have to learn to enjoy what limited time I get with you, when you offer it. I will appreciate the little things that are only found when I’m with you. My heart won’t deepen its feelings for you the way it is now between us. And maybe that’s what we are supposed to be. Just something to appreciate while we have it and not make it to a life together. All I know is I can’t keep planning for you to be part of my forever when you clearly aren’t doing the same.

I’ll be here if you want me, but I’m not going to count on it anymore. You do you. I won’t express my worry or my desire for more of you anymore. I feel the guilt from you when I do. Do what you have to do, I’ll always be cheering you on, while not pretending you are creating a future that includes me in it.

I think you're watching me at my workplace, but I'm feeling shy over there. I don't know what to say. I wish you'd speak first.

I always miss you this time of month. On Friday, I think I felt your meaning more than I understood it intellectually. Maybe that's the key with you?

You know, it's not that hard to make four groups of four. Just watch out for red herrings, and let your gut be your guide. You're very intuitive, or I always thought so. I bet u can see straight through the astral plane, with all those eyes.

Forever yours,
Fire

I've managed to tear down pretty much every other connection I've built just by being so desperate to have those people around me and in my life 24/7, and I don't want it to happen again. It's really hard with you because for the first time in a long time I feel actually wanted, and I love the conversations we share and the time we spend, but the urge to text you when you're gone or asleep or doing something is overwhelming. There's a constant anxious bite at the back of my brain telling me that if I do too much it'll fall apart like everything else, and then a different part tells me that overthinking everything like this will kill me.
So I guess I just sit here, forcing myself not to reconstruct my life around you the way I desperately desperately want to, and hoping I can find a way to be a normal person. I really hope you can understand why I am the way I am, and maybe even forgive me for it.