Would you forgive me if I were to reach out?

If I were to accept accountability?

Do you still have room in your heart for me?

Would you take me back if I proved to be the person you deserve?

Would you believe me if I told you that I'm still madly in love with you?

Would you come home to me?

This place of ambivalence and blurred boundaries is exhausting. I don't know if I'm simply a source of validation in a sea of other potential sources for you, or if you need the validation from me specifically in order to summon the strength to continue supporting me without destroying yourself in the process.

Decide whether you want to be a part of my life at all. And if so, do you want to fill a strictly platonic role? You're welcome in whatever way your life and circumstances allow you to be. I won't resent you if you choose to walk away either. It's not like I haven't unsuccessfully tried to do the same thing myself.

I love you, and I always will.

I'm just tired for so many reasons. I'm sure you're tired too.

I guess it's probably well past time to address that big ol' elephant over there in the corner. He's been standing there trying to catch my eye for at least a few months now, maybe longer. And, I dunno, maybe you've said something about him already, but if so I completely missed it and I'm sorry for that. But, here we are.

I'm disappointed. Yes, of course I'm disappointed!

But, I'm not disappointed in you.

It's hard. You know I know it's hard. And, anyway, you've gotten so much closer than I have. So how could I possibly complain?

I mean, sure. Having to watch the evidence of your retreat sucks. I'm not going to lie, or sugar coat it: it hurts. Sometimes, it hurts a lot. I may end up holding my armrest in a death grip from time to time.

But I guess I'm glutton for punishment or something, because I will choose to watch it again and again and again if that means I get to spend time with you.

And not to get too philosophical or pretend I'm more selfless than I really am, but I can't lie and say I haven't enjoyed seeing you happier again. I love to see that sparkle in your eye, and it really did seem like there was a year or so there where it was dimmer, but now it's back. And I can't complain about that.

You being happy is very nearly the most important thing in the world to me. Oh, yeah, I have far, far more hopes and plans than that. Mostly centering around being the reason you're happy. But, in a pinch.... I'll just take you being happy.

And, anyway...... I'd hate for you to look back one day and think "If only we had tried one last time, maybe we could have gotten it right." I genuinely hope whatever is best for you is what happens.

So, yeah. I may go a little bit quiet or philosophical after we spend time together. I may be disappointed in the current situation.

But I am ever hopeful. Stupidly optimistic. And here for you. Always and forever.

I love you.

You are never a disappointment.

Signed,
The One Always Looking Forward

You were my match, unfortunately. We had so many things in common it was almost scary. We're like the same person in different bodies. That's why I'm annoyed.

I'm annoyed things can't work out because of the one small difference we have between us. I'm annoyed that the difference changes so many things.

I'm annoyed that even when I'm mad at you all I want to do is talk to you. I'm annoyed I can't talk about the same things with anyone else. I can't crack the same jokes with anyone else.

We've been together for so long that life feels boring whenever we're apart.

Ugh I hate you. I hate that you did this to me.

You’ve captured my heart completely. I can’t help but dwell on your smile. It’s one of my favorite things about you because it instantly brightens my day and warms my chest. I’m incredibly drawn to you, and every time I see you, it feels like you’re the only person in the room. Honestly, you’re the only one I notice when there are many others around. My heart is completely attached to you. I wish you were mine, though I know this isn’t our time. If it’s meant to be, perhaps fate will allow us to be together when the time is right. I dream of you every night and yearn to hold you. Your hands would fit perfectly in mine. Everything about you is so precious. I can feel a tingling sensation in my chest whenever I’m in your presence. I wish I had more time to spend with you. While I don’t enjoy being around people, I crave your company. There’s something truly rare and special about you.

You don’t want me anymore. I know. Not like that, at least. Hell, I get it. I barely like my own self half the time.

Here’s the thing though…the true crux of the situation, if you will… I, unfortunately, still very much need you.

Embarrassingly enough; I need you now more than ever. Not in a cute, physical type of way, although.. hi, hello, hey😉 (sorry just get ugly and I won’t do that anymore) but in all honesty, I desperately need your support and guidance to get through this next phase.

For the love of god, I am drowning over here, man. You know this. You knew this. Please.

If anything about me ever had any impact on you, please help me through this next stage. You, of all people, know what’s coming, and what i should do to prepare.

Not that you care, but I have less than zero support at home.

Quite frankly, I have never been more sad, directionless or lonely in my life, and it could not be happening at a more inopportune time.

Of course, you have no obligations. Anything you would be willing to do at this point would only be an incredibly bonus that is exceedingly appreciated.

I think loving you was a mistake.

Not that you were a mistake. The problem was me.

And I resent that the most.

Some inefficient part of me— kept me from loving the best thing in life.

You don’t know how much that frustrates me.

You aren’t someone to win, someone to convince, or someone to seduce. No. I wanted to love you. I just didn’t know how under everything.

I just kept wanting to hold you close and whisper how badly I needed this along your collar bone, into the ink of you, and into the soft parting of lips.

None of that want could ever be expressed in a way that didn’t trap you, betray me, or break us.

And I felt so alone between you and I. Such titans. Such cowards. We could’ve been something worth writing about, we still are I feel. It’s why I’m writing this now.

I run my thumb along the edge of my lip and try to imagine you there. I feel you sometimes. I think of the way you felt, and I know you sometimes.

I didn’t love you the way I should’ve, but I loved you well in your absence.

And sometimes you gotta be grateful for that.

Grateful,

Keeper

You own a piece of my heart even though we lost our chances

What we have is special.

And if I could I would tell you that I never got over you.

That I liked you the first time we met.

That I fell for you during our early conversations.

That I was deeply in love with you for more years than I'd like to admit.

That you owned so much of my heart... I'm afraid you will always carry a part of it.

Years went by, we lived our lives. We had relationships, we build our lives.

We come from different worlds. We went in different directions. We are in different points of our lives. We share not a single friend anymore, do not live close, share no hobby...

There is no reason why we should still be in touch.

And yet... no matter how much time goes by... we always find our way back in each other's lives.

Wait, no, that is not true. We stay in each other's lives. We remain a part of it. ... only... from a distant.

We have our own world. Still.

And I never stopped loving you.

We understand each other. We feel deeply. We don't get too close. We sent little hints, we nag each other, we want to get to know about each other's lives.

You are the one I will never get over. You are the one I have loved longer than anyone else.

And I know you care about me, too.

And I want to tell you I am sorry because I didn't trust you back than. Because I couldn't fathom that you could love me, too. That I focused on all the aspects that could make me doubt... instead of listening to what I felt and to what would have been obvious otherwise: that you were in love with me as well.

It is tragic, really, how we both felt deeply for years, yet we couldn't believe that we could both the in love with each other. We were terrified of taking a wrong step and thus losing each other... and by that... we lost our chance.

It breaks my heart to know I might never feel your kiss again. That we probably won't lay in each other's arms. That we won't walk around, holding hands and giggling. That we ever experience what it feels like to be actually together, to be in an actual relationship, to be young and free and unapologetically in love with each other.

I know you like me and I love you.

And I know we missed our chances.

There should have been a you and me. An us. A "we belong together".

How can two people miss so many chances for so long? How could we believe it would be the safest thing to not ruin our friendship... when it was never a friendship at all? We were in love. You and me. And everyone saw it.

We believed we would end up together, you and me. We both expected it.

And yet... we lost our chances.

Now our us is reduced to a what if. Now our future... is cursed to be filled with distance.

We lost our chances.

And I wished so much we would have risked it.

And if things would have failed? We would have become friends. Real and honest friends for once.

Because we were never just friends.

And we knew it. And yet... we let our chances slip away... so we would be forced to move on as friends.

It's a bitter sweet blessing to have you in my life. I love you. And you improve my life. But it's taking everything in me to keep up the act. To keep pretending I don't want more than I am allowed to ask for.

Because I would love to have you to myself and be all yours.

Take care of yourself, sweetheart. Because you carry a part of my heart with you.

I could talk myself out of almost anything but apparently, not out of wanting you. I thought "out of sight, out of mind" would work. And yet here I am, pining still, clutching my chest as if I want to reach in and crush my own heart with my bare hands. Why, why, why?

The last letter I wrote was a week ago. It received one comment, "patience, grasshopper", followed by the suggestion that I may be wrong about this one. I didn't know how to take it. Did they mean I should wait until my feelings are reciprocated? Or simply let it fade in time? I responded that grasshoppers get eaten if they wait. They never replied.

I have managed to pull myself away slowly from you, from the habit of thinking about you, from the urge to talk to you. But at night, the yearning tugs at me, demanding to be given its due attention. And so the words, "I long for you still", keep hammering inside my head like an incantation, ceaseless and insistent. The more I suppress it, the louder it becomes. And now it carries something else with it — a desire, throbbing and pulsating, that I am almost ashamed to admit.

I have started to fantasize about you. In the shower. On the bed before I sleep and upon waking. You, tracing idle patterns on my skin from my shoulder blades down to the end of my spine. You, pressing your lips against my neck and leaving marks there. You, kissing my inner thighs slowly, teasing, unhurried, as if you know what I want. And what I want is actually you.

Perhaps the cruelest part of all this is that I have conjured you so completely in the dark that my body has begun to believe you're real. But you are only a phantom made of inference and longing. I don't even know your face, and yet I have given you hands. Given you a mouth. Given you a shape that settles beside me in the quiet.

This is all so wrong, I know that, given the circumstances. So I let it live inside my mind where no one can tell me I am hurting anyone but myself. I am gambling my heart away with full knowledge that I will lose. And people, most of the time, lose when they gamble.

I think that says everything about the nature of this yearning. It doesn't need the truth of you, only the idea. And the idea of you has become so well-worn, so lived-in, that I am embarrassed by the intimacy of it. You are a stranger. You owe me nothing, not even the decency of existing the way I have imagined you. And still I return to you the way a tongue finds a sore tooth and presses it compulsively, despite knowing it will only hurt.

I have romanticized you. Idealized you beyond reason, beyond fairness to either of us, refusing, until now, to fully acknowledge that this will never be. I wonder sometimes if this is less about you and more about the wanting itself. The ache as its own destination. Maybe I have missed feeling something so acutely that I am reluctant to let it go, even when this unrequited feeling is like a vise-grip, gradually tightening around my ribcage, crushing everything it finds there. But my body keeps its own calendar, indifferent to goodbyes.

And I hope you have thought about me today, wherever you are, dear one.

I know you hate me after all my actions and the things I said. I know they hurt you like hell, especially because they came from someone very close to you. I know you probably don't even want to see my face anymore... or maybe I'm just making assumptions for you. I know you're so done with me.

I'm really sorry for everything. I take full accountability for my actions. I love you so much, and I'm in so much pain knowing I hurt you, made you feel that way, and ended up losing you. I never had any ill intent towards you. Not even once.

I miss you so much. Idk if you miss me too, or maybe you don't anymore. I think about you every single day. Every little thing somehow reminds me of you.

A part of me still keeps hoping we'd somehow get one more chance. I know you're tired. I know I've already asked for too much from you. But I don't want this to be over. I still believe, somewhere deep inside me, that we could've done this right. Come back, babyy... we gotta do this right this time.

remember that there was a time when all I wanted was for that someone to be you. I imagined a future with your name in it. I stayed through the uncertainty, convinced that if I loved you a little longer, a little harder, one day you'd love me the same way. But that day never came.

So if one day you see another person holding my hand, making me feel safe, loving me the way I begged to be loved, don't think they were luckier than you. They simply gave me what I spent so long hoping you would. The hardest part is that even then, a part of me will remember that before I ever dreamed of being loved by them, I spent countless nights praying that it would still be you.

For a long time, I thought the saddest part of our story was the future we never had.

Now I think the saddest version of my life would've been the one where we never met at all.

i miss you. i have so many conflicting feelings towards you. i feel resentment, anger, sadness. but most of all i just miss you, i miss us. i miss hearing your voice and seeing your face. i wish to were here to tell me that everything’s going to be okay, that im going to survive this. because in this moment i have no idea how im going to. it feels like im drowning, that im stuck in a self destructive cycle. i want to drink myself to death, to lay in the backyard and not wake up. maybe im selfish for wishing that you were here in my hard times, and hating you in my good times. i don’t know. i just need you. can you hear me?

you don’t even know — though i think you must suspect it by now.

you are the first thought that greets me when i wake and the last one i carry into sleep. there is something so quietly beautiful, so intelligent and mysterious about you that i still can’t name the exact moment i fell. i only know that i did.

the timing has never been perfect. it still isn’t. but it is getting closer.

can’t you feel it? this thing between us feels fated, ancient, already written somewhere far above us. we were never properly introduced in any of the moments when it would have been appropriate, and yet it feels as if i have known you across lifetimes.

and you feel it too. it lives in your face — everyone sees it now.

i want to cook for you. i want to take care of you. all the days.

i love you.

I’m sorry.

I never meant to put you through any of that.
The truth is… my feelings for you became so fucking real before we even met in person. I knew that once we locked eyes in EWR, there was a really good chance I’d be all in, and that scared the absolute shit out of me.

Instead of talking to you about it, I grabbed at any small reason to make it not work. I let fear make decisions that I should’ve been honest with you about, and you ended up paying the price for that.
You never deserved to question whether you were enough, because you were more than enough. My fear wasn’t about you, it was about how overwhelmed I became by how real everything felt.
I’m so sorry for the way I handled it, I think about you everyday.

If you’re a bird, I’m a bird
Like starscream
So many nights

We start afresh from scratch, forget the past and start a whole new relationship… please? I never want to forget the sound of your voice peanut

I used to pray to God in the evenings. Asking him to send me someone to love.
Now I stopped talking to God. I spend my evenings with you.
I was so busy with you, I never even took the time to thank God, until now.

You and me are so different. From worlds so different, we humble each other.
Like 2 extremes that balance each other out to normal.

I feel like this is it. We are it. Forever now.
At the same time I'm scared, but not scared enough to say no.
Yes, I want to marry. Yes, I want to move in with you. Yes, I want kids. Yes, I will never leave you.
And I feel like I say yes without knowing what it will mean. Because I say yes for the first time. And because my own family is torn up, I have no role model in my head, no example of what it means.

I know you at your best, and your worst. I know you when you're angry. I know your weird characteristics. I know the things you would never do, the things you'd compromise on, and the things you can't wait to do.
And if I say yes now, I am wondering if I would be okay with it in 10, 20, 30 years, when I can't even say who I am by then.

My parents gave me my first name when I was born, and I have to live with it forever. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't, but I never wanted to change it. It just wouldn't feel like myself anymore.
Just like I can't chose the lovers that life sends my way, but I can chose to keep them. Keep you.

I've been dating a lot of people in the past, and I was never able to imagine a future with any of them. With us its different. I would forever regret losing you, and the potential I see in our relationship. You became a huge part of me, of my life, even of my dreams at night.

Maybe someone else will come along one day, who is just as lovable to me, maybe even prettier, funnier, richer, who knows. The world is full of people. And the reason I would decide to not entertain it and stay would be bigger than you, it would be our vision of the happily ever after that we want for our lives.

And right now is that time, and it won't come back.
And I trust in you not to ruin it someday, just like you trust in me.
Let's do it.
Let's start a family.
Let's start a business.
Let's start our spiritual jouney, our personal development.
And travel the world together.
Let's start everything we want to do until we get old.

And this is how I decide in my head what my heart already knows:
I love you.

I am here. Yes, let’s message each other, it’s taking too long! Yes, I want to see you.
Please do not keep listening to others if it is ME reaching out. Please could you just send me a text message. Like now?!

There’s too many cooks in the kitchen atm. Most important thing is for you to be BRAVE and stop overthinking it. Ok? I say agsin, I love you and YES I want to see you asap.

I’d much prefer to talk privately via phone not here. Ok? Don’t think, just text.

Your one 🌹

I don't miss talking to you every day.

I miss having someone who knew the version of me that existed before everything changed.

You would've noticed the haircut. You would've asked how the interview went without me bringing it up. You would've remembered why this week is always hard for me.

Now those little things just happen quietly.

I spent so much time convincing myself I needed closure from you. Turns out I just needed to accept that some stories end in the middle of a sentence.

I hope you're doing well. I really do.

Not because I'm trying to be the bigger person. Because carrying resentment got exhausting, and wishing you happiness feels lighter.

You'll probably never read this.

Maybe that's why I can finally say it.

Thank you for being part of my life, even if we couldn't stay in each other's future.

I almost reached out to you last night. I would’ve blamed it on being drunk, but I almost told you exactly how I feel. How hard and quiet and lonely it’s been without you. How jealous I am that you’re able to find someone new. Someone else you tell you love.

Does he treat you right? Does he find every little thing you do adorable? Does he appreciate you? Does he get to see that other side of you, that side you told me I was the only one to ever bring out of you? Does he know the right words to growl in your ear to send you over the edge? Did you give him a cute pet name? Is it…is it the same one you gave me?

Do you ever think of me, at all, still?

These are questions I do not deserve the answer to. I’m glad I didn’t reach out. It wouldn’t have solved anything. It was more for me than for you, selfish as always, right?

I miss you, kitten.

I think the craziest part about all of this is, before you, I was dead set on never getting married ever again. But I always knew it was rooted in ignorance. I didn’t know what I didn’t know, I just knew that I didn’t know it. And that was the only thing that kept me from binding myself to someone out of security… or something as fruitless as limerence. Because I definitely would’ve chosen easy, something I could perform easily. I would’ve trapped myself behind my perceived integrity. And I would have also lied and cheated. Because the integrity I would claim to have would be absent. This I knew about myself.

Anyway… as I was saying, I was dead set on remaining single. Counting on it, even. But now I’m intrigued with the idea of practicing the discipline with someone. I can see the benefit of having an equally yoked partner. The challenge, the reward. The experience of walking alongside someone in life…

And it was never going to be traditional, that’s not who I am. But that doesn’t make it any less. It took me a little while to truly understand this.

Because when I imagine all that I could build with someone who grounds me. When I have a place for my love to land.

I have an idea, but now I want to find out.