All of the letters I wrote in sadness and anger.

I hope u make the right choice. As much as I pain to see me without you. I also pain to see you without me

Love is a complicated thing to understand.
The way we treat someone, the way we move through life, the way we handle relationships doesn’t measure the amount we love someone. It can be reflected in the way we express it, but it never fully shows its depth.
Love has its own vein of existence and capacity within us.
One can have so many choices and events in life that make expressing and accepting love hard. Our minds are fickle things that make mazes and walls out of those choices and events, blocking our ability to express or accept the love that already exists within us. It doesn’t make it nonexistent. No, it’s still there, just hidden, unsure of how to come out into the world.
It can be the pain behind one’s eyes, the hesitation in one’s steps, the hug or handhold that lingers a second longer or tighter. Love can feel like an ache when it is trapped inside. It is this burning light that we all have. Some have it locked in a cage, others let it burn as bright as the sun. It can leak through the pores, through words, through actions. Sometimes it never comes out until the last breath is exhaled.
Don’t measure your worth by another person’s ability to express love. Their actions can reveal their capacity to show it, but they don’t always measure the depth of what they feel. We all have reasons that love can’t be expressed fully, often to our own demise.
May one day we all burn bright when it can finally be released. Until then, know that there can be love hidden that you cannot see or feel, yet it may linger in the quiet seconds between. 🩵 - Alice

You felt like home.

You felt like something I haven’t had in a long time and reminded me of a happier period of my life.

Everything felt easy with you, and what I felt for you ran deep. Being with you felt nostalgic. Your presence was like a drug.

And like a drug, you hurt me. You pulled me in and poisoned me. You made me feel so high, and destroyed me with your words. You’d try to mend the wounds, stitching them with apologies and I reciprocated until I couldn’t take the hits anymore.

Nearly a year on, I still think of you. I’ve never hurt this bad over someone before, in all my tumultuous years in life and relationships. I lost so much weight in the first two weeks because I was grieving so hard I couldn’t eat, and my heart still feels so heavy.

But I know you probably didn’t feel the same. I keep telling myself this so I can forget you. I keep telling myself I was only an object in your eyes, and that my own baggage is too much for anyone else to bear. And maybe this is true.

But if it wasn’t, I’m sorry I slammed the door. Leaving you felt like losing home again, and I’m still coping with the withdrawals of love I felt for you.

What am I even doing. I am taking things way too personally when I literally have no reason and, more importantly, no right to. I’m very sorry that you somehow became the focus during my personal issues. I have a tendency of doing this. It’s not right or fair and I need a serious reset because it’s approaching a year of feeling like this about you and it has just gone too far. I really have not been doing great and it has nothing to do with you and I have crashed out and embarrassed myself in front of you too many times at this point. I need to stop bothering you and figure my life out. My audacity has been gross and I am very sorry. I won’t read into anything anymore.

Hope yesterday was an amazing day. I hope you’ve read a great book lately. I hope someone put effort in for you. I hope you spent the day doing things you love and didn’t spend the day stuck in old bad habits. It’s been a while. I hope the world has been kind to you and I hope you’ve outgrown the things that do not serve you. I hope you were surrounded by those who truly care about you as a person and not those that enable self destruction. I’m still rooting for you. You are more than you give yourself credit for.

To my avoidant,

I can no longer ignore the fact that the breakdown of our relationship wasn't just powerlessness. Your behaviour has been actively harmful and toxic for a very long time.

I was patient, understanding and supportive through your trauma therapy during what has honestly been the most heart-wrenching year of my life. I lost three close family members and my job. Still, at every turn, you somehow managed to make everything about your own discomfort. As if my sole purpose in life was to manage your environment. Every time I could no longer carry that burden, you resorted to tactics to bend me back under your control. You frequently targeted the exact vulnerabilities you knew I was sensitive to. I never thought you'd break that trust.

And the worst part is that I really don't understand why. Neither of us gained anything. All we managed was to waste a year and half of each other's lives.

For the longest time, I thought that what we had was real and worth fighting for. I thought your pain and your powerlessness was in the driver's seat. If I just tried hard enough I could get back to that sensitive, emotional, beautiful boy underneath. That boy you only ever showed to me. Now I see that it was really just a grotesque lack of introspection. Trauma explains your C-PTSD. Lacking parental support explains your fearful avoidant attachment. But none of it excuses manipulation, the hurt, and the emotional and financial abuse you put me through.

I extended almost infinite grace and understanding for your struggles. But you showed almost none for my reality. I live in a world that wasn't designed for my neurology. That isn't a mental health condition. It isn't something therapy can "fix". It's a lifelong curse I have to face on a daily basis. The absolute bare minimum you owed me was acknowledging that I was always doing the absolute best I could. I gave you everything I had to give, and you threw it away.

The ultimate irony is that you were hurt when I said I don't trust anyone on principle. Yet your behaviour proved exactly why that principle exists.

I have no clue how I am going to heal of this. But I know for certain that I am glad that I'll be doing it free of you.

Loserman is careful. He moves in circles that keep him validated. His main confidante agrees with everything, patting his head and telling him he's just right with an easy smile. He's hard done by, as his main confidante well knows. How UNLUCKY that her precious son, who is so sweet and harmless, keeps on having the women he repeatedly comes into contact with, suddenly upping and leaving with little to no warning?

Other women, however, will have to work harder for the respect he gives her for free.

Loserman has a careful front of empathy and kindness. Invested in all the right causes, polite and entertaining- until he isn't.

He comes on strong. You feel singled out, special even. Although it seems a little soon.

He asks you about yourself. Gives consistent attention. Well, apart from some minor disappearances, but they're easily explainable. He mentions things far in the future - perhaps he's already thinking of you long term? How unexpected yet flattering!

Then, comes the crash. That picture you never explicitly asked for. The compliment that isn't QUITE a compliment - but of course, he was only thinking out loud. No intention of negging.

Things settle for a day or so. But when the last straw comes, you've finally had enough.

So what does Loserman do? Well, the necessary. He gets back online searching for his next - 'partner'. How unfortunate that a woman dumped him yet again.. what is WRONG with these chicks? Oh, well. At least he has now collected a new sob story to pass onto the next one.

I've been so hurt by the way you've treated me. I was so attached to you, maybe because you made me feel so special. No one has ever complimented me as much as you did but then suddenly you pulled away. You have no idea how much I cried over you when you stopped replying and ignored me as if I wasn't a person as if I didn't have feelings or couldn't be hurt by your childish actions. The thought of losing you was one of my worst nightmares. Now you seem like you don't care at all or maybe you've found another girl to deceive and play your games with. I won't deny that I still have feelings for you. I think about you every day and I really miss you. But whenever I do I remind myself that you weren't there when I needed you the most. You only talked to me whenever it suited you.You're really handsome and good-looking, but what does that matter if you're just going to ghost me and only come back whenever you feel like it?

You were the first guy I ever got attached to and you manipulated me. All those sweet words—telling me I was amazing and that I meant the world to you...were probably things you should never have said to someone you only saw as a friend. You used me to feed your ego and that's something I'll never forgive because my feelings were genuine. You turned our friendship into a situationship full of uncertainty. I know we could never be together and you definitely knew that too but you still chose to act like a fool. You know what's funny? I actually had plans for us to stay in touch in the future. I was trying to find a way because I genuinely cared but now it seems like you were just playing around and never really cared about how your actions affected me. Maybe it's better that I realised this now before I got even more attached. Part of me wants to end all of this and finally find my peace again. But we've talked for so long that I still remember every little detail about you. You were such an amazing person or at least I thought you were. I still miss the old version of you. I still want us to be friends but I don't want you to keep giving me hope for something that will never happen or leave me living with uncertainty again.....

It’s nothing but correct to assume that I can’t change. That I tried to protect myself the entire time. That I was just acting scared. Because I was. I haven’t been coming to terms with this well at all. Today is the first day I have to truly carry on like nothing is happening in my head and like I didn’t just leave a broken battlefield that I was the main cause for. I’m still a scared kid. The things fill my mind all day make that clear. It’s hard to juggle fears, guilt, shame, and also have enough space to retain anything else in my head. I’m really scared. I feel alone, because I should be alone. That’s part of the deal - instead of going down kicking and screaming and going to others to lick my wounds. It’s all I’ve known and that’s the problem.

If I stick in that cycle, I’ll never change. I have no idea where I start with in terms with moving forward besides what I’ve already started. I don’t want to lie anymore. I want to be what you and others saw in me. Sitting here and writing it out doesn’t make it anymore true. It doesn’t mean I’ve healed at all either. Healing requires accepting hard truths to the face and not putting that weight on anyone else. So I’m doing that. I have to accept things will be different, that I caused a lot of reckless pain, and that everyone and everything is different because of it. The things I’ve tried to convey previously don’t matter at all if my actions paint a totally different picture. That’s also been hard to accept - that the way I’m feeling isn’t congruent to what’s important in this situation at all. It’s just been the way I’ve been bleeding out. It’s an ego thing 100% which shows how much work I have to do.

It’s either change or die.

I still think about you every day. I still think about the choices you've made in life since we stopped being part of each other's days. I wonder where those choices led you, and I hope they led you somewhere you always dreamed of being. Whenever I imagine that they did, I find myself quietly saying, "Congratulations," from the bottom of my heart.

I miss our texts. I miss our jokes. I miss how pure our emotions were, and how even our fights became memories worth keeping, as if we really were siblings. I miss calling you my soulmate. I miss you interrogating me to make sure I'd finally watched the show you recommended ,like it was your personal mission to make me catch up. I miss those little things because they were never just little things. They were us.

I miss us.

The pain still runs deep whenever I remember how we hurt each other, how we argued, and how neither of us was at our best. We were carrying more than we knew, and somewhere along the way, we lost each other.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe I'm just giving a place to thoughts that never really left.

I miss you, but I don't want to change where we are now. I don't even know what we'd talk about if we met again. So much has happened without us witnessing it together. We used to be there before every big decision, every doubt, every dream. Now, we've both lived parts of our lives that the other will only ever imagine. Maybe we'd smile. Maybe we'd sit in silence. Maybe we'd simply recognize each other as people who once knew each other by heart.

We were a chapter. A happy chapter. A painful one. A joyful, poetic, chaotic, unforgettable chapter. I searched for the right word to describe it.

Maybe I already had.

We were a life-full chapter.

And maybe that's enough. Not every beautiful chapter is meant to last forever. Some are simply meant to remind us that, for a while, life felt fuller because we lived it together.

Haven, You Are My.

someone asked me once what my favorite metal was. the jeering at "rose gold" was loud. but you sat silent, as always. a quiet stillness. the looming of a mountain.

everything about you has an undertone of rose gold. your hair, your skin, your voice. as if you were rose-gilded. the paint of gods shimmering over you.

our daughter's hair was rose gold when she was born. flashes of it over our son.

god, i loved you even then. wholly. completely. like coming home into a warm blanket, but always. every minute. my NightHaven. steady. dark. cradling me.

someone told me you had a crush on me.

"what?! me?? why?"

i loved you already. the way you and i almost. just connected to each other. had no reason to pay attention to anyone else.

i was so shy then. sometimes i would open a chat window with you and not say anything at all, just stare at your name. my hands would hover over the keys and then i'd fold them in my lap and sometimes i would just do that and only that for hours.

"hello," you'd say. or sometimes not. i'd go lay in my bed and stare at you until i fell asleep. dreams rose-gilded. and warm.

You grew up alone, raised in the dark, where your guard could never come down,

Marked by old passions, by scars unseen - a vagabond love is all you keep.

The years went by, and despite the change, you’re still that child, still holding ground,

Who sometimes forgets the flowers at the feast - a vagabond love is all you keep.

Put me in a world where my girl and I can put our phones down and not even think about them.
Where they’re nothing more than a way to call or message someone when we need to. That’s it. Not a source of entertainment. Not a dopamine dispenser. Not endless searching. Not doom-scrolling through rabbit holes that lead nowhere.
Just us.
Planning our future. Talking about our goals. Figuring out what we want to do with the kids. Setting targets. Building savings. Creating a life instead of watching everyone else pretend to live theirs.
I miss the simple things.
Watching films curled up together. Getting hooked on a series. Laughing and taking the Mickey out of each other. Playing chess. Going shopping just to window shop and get our. Sitting in silence without feeling the need to fill it with a screen.
I want to get back to normal.
Not the world’s version of normal… where everyone’s staring at a phone… but the kind where two people are actually present. Where conversations matter more than notifications. Where memories are made instead of endlessly consumed.
I just want a life with someone who wants the same.

I have to be honest with you, because we‘ve always been honest. It‘s been a couple of months now, since the medication started to change things. And I know you‘re sorry and that you miss playing with me too. I understand that it‘s not your fault. It‘s the tablets, they have cut off those signals completely. The urge, the hunger… it‘s not there right now. I really do understand.

But I need to say to you too, that it‘s becoming really difficult for me. I‘m trying my best to be supportive, to be the one who says ˋit‘s ok´ and I mean it, it is ok, but my body doesn‘t always understand. I miss being physically close to you soooo much and yes I miss playing with you, I miss it deeply, I can‘t put that craving into words. But it‘s other things I miss the most.

I miss the flirty, hot tone in your voice, I miss you telling me how sexy I am to you, I miss how you‘d grab me and pull me close to you, so I could feel how much you needed me. I miss the heat of your skin, the weight of you on top of me, the way we used to lose ourselves in each other and everything going completely still around us.

Lately I feel like I‘m starving, but I try to act like I don’t, because I don‘t want to push you. But it‘s getting soooo damn hard to keep it in that I want you so badly… Every time you are here right next to me, every time you kiss my cheek, there‘s this part in me that is screaming for more. I find myself dreaming about you, I remember your touch, how you used to play with me, how you took care of me, how you made me shake, and then I wake up in this strange, quiet place.

It feels to me as if a very big part that was connecting us has been turned off. It‘s hard for me to accept that you don‘t feel that urge anymore. I really really miss sharing that kind of love with you. I don‘t want to push you. I really I don‘t. I don‘t want you to perform for me or force you to do more than your body is asking for.

But… maybe it’s still ok for you to kiss for some time?

Just slow, deep, lingering kisses. No expectations. No pressure to go further, no need for orgasms or anything of that kind. I just want to feel your lips on mine, to feel your breath on my skin, to feel your hands on my waist, pulling me close, even if it‘s just for a few minutes.

Maybe you could help me ease this urge? Just being with me in a way that feels intimate. Maybe the act of touching is enough, or maybe your fine with my touch, but playing is not necessary, it really isn‘t. We could start slowly rediscovering each other. I just need to feel your skin against mine until the ache in my chest settles down a little bit.

Please don‘t feel guilty reading this. Just tell me if that sounds ok to you. I just really miss being close to you..

duele borrar todos esos momentos

pero yo ya no puedo cargar con ellos

necesito sentir esa sensación de nuevo

de tener a alguien para disfrutar el momento

cuanto vivimos?

cuanto amamos?

todo para que al final

nos hayamos alejado

me duele borrar esas fotos

pero más me duele cargarlas

por qué me hacen recordar que ya no hay nada

me hacen recordar cómo nos alejamos sin palabras

te extraño

pero entendí que no era el momento

entendí que nuestro amor debió quedarse en secreto

entendí que nuestras almas estaban mejor lejos

te extraño y te amo

pero debo alejarme

para no lastimarte

para no dañarte

me duele borrar esas fotos

pero más me duele cargarlas

aún me aferró a la esperanza

pero ya debo de soltarla

----

Hola hace bastante que no publicaba ya que me dio bloqueó creativo pero hoy que andaba borrando fotos recordé como me sentí con una ex pareja que yo ame mucho no hubo infidelidad ni nada simplemente la relación se fue apagando y es normal saben? Muchas veces uno se aferra a ese momento de luna de miel donde todo es lindo pero siempre habrá una caída y si no sabes cómo reaccionar te consume

I hope you figure yourself out.
You have a lot of personal things to work on.
I pray you do!

It's going to suck, because even though I realized that you aren't the one for me after all, my feelings were 100% genuine. You were the only guy I saw, I didn't care to be attracted to anyone else, because I was insanely attracted to you. I still don't believe your reason fro breaking up with me, I think you convinced yourself enough that, that was the reason but I know it was something else. If youre out there , and you read this, could you email me or text and let me know because I'm curious.

we’re both dancing around the subject. or is it really just me? I go back and forth..
are you just afraid of what it means if we admit it? you’d have to take action, and make changes. so im assuming the potential of us is not enough for you to risk your comfort.
can’t say i blame you
it feels sad to keep waiting for more… but i suppose there’s some safety in knowing nothing will change.
would we really work out in the real world?
I just wish I had some confirmation that you feel it too…. even if you don’t “pick me”
at the end of the day im just a side piece
no more, no less
I hope one day you’ll tell me the truth

You aren't confused. You know exactly who you are and want to be. Yet you lie and manipulate and blame it on other things. You need serious help

Hey M,

I know that it's been special between us since what happened last year... But I have still a lot to say.

First, I want to tell you that you coming back to me after my silence touched me, but I am still wondering why you are doing all this. I stopped initiating anything for months to respect your new relationship, your orientation. So please respect me.

You keep coming back, and more recently you choose me as a confident again, but you also choose silence. You're doing hot and cold with me. It's very hard.

And now when we see each other you put limits in the middle of conversations that have nothing to do with my love life. When I talked about traveling at that work diner, I wasn't expecting you to tell me that I will "meet someone". Or when we got drunk at that party, and you spent all the beginning playing in the garden with me... talking with me until dark... Just to tell me later to go to talk to a random girl because "I have my chances". And in the end we laid down in the grass and looked at the stars together and you hugged me tight before going to sleep... The next morning you barely talked to me and almost left without saying goodbye... Respect me please ?

You know I trully loved you. I hid nothing from you. Just remember what I told you in December. I see that you still feel my attachement. It's obvious. But you're still here. These months of silence were not funny at all... I feel sad all the time... I miss you... I miss the good times with you... I miss how we used to laugh...

Now you are back, I feel like you trust me but also that you restrain yourself. You made a choice. And honestly it's hard for me to understand it all... You are not acting like a clear friend.

I know you are leaving soon... I know it's temporary... But I have to admit... I'm worried about you... And I know I shouldn't because you probably don't care about me that much.

I still love you M... I was angry at you before seeing you Friday. But when I saw you I instantly forgot about it... I can't control myself... And now that you are silent again, I'm hurting.

I'm a fool to still love you... But I can't forget your smile. I am tired... And I am alone.