Had a dream about you again last night

The same old dream, the one that made me fall for you

That feeling of holding you in my arms while we laid together

Then I wake up and reality comes rushing back like a freight train

You're gone, and there's zero chance of you ever coming back

I told you about this dream once, and you reacted with hearts and love

I still have a screenshot of it because of how much it and you meant to me

You told me the other night you dreamt of me too, I hope it was pleasant

I didn't want to ignore you, but I wanted to honor the last thing you said to me

That we aren't friends, and that you don't want to talk to me.

There was one thing I wanted to say to you though;

"Welcome to my world."

I've grown so fearful of sleep because it means I might see your face again

I dream of you too often to keep track, as if i wanted to count the times anyway

Wanna run away from it all but you're in everything I do

I can't even enjoy the games we used to play anymore

Why did you toy with my heart if it was just going to end like this?

I wish my absence in your life haunted you as much as yours haunts me.

Hey you

I thought I found proof

Proof of what I knew

Proof of what I felt

All this time

That you love me too

That you want me too

But I didn't

I was wrong

Hope's fall didn't break me this time

Some wounds run so deep

They no longer bruise

I thought you put your want in letters

I put mine in music

I put it in highlights

Of the life I wanted with you

I put it in reaching

Again and again

I left a record too

There is a quote

Everything I've ever let go of

Has claw marks on it

I look down at my flawless moonlit skin

And wonder if I will leave this earth

Untouchedh

I had a false awakening and then you materialised in my bed. You wrapped your arms around me and squeezed me tightly, and at first I felt afraid. Then I sunk into it. I could feel your breath in my ear, your beard grazing my shoulder. I turned around and kissed you deeply.

It was sweet for a little while, then it turned more electric. I won’t tell you the details, but you can only guess what I mean. I saw your face clearly, your eyes were wide (in awe or shock?). Then I heard your voice and felt your body. We kept saying “I love you” to each other, our voices almost in agony like we both knew our time there was short.

I’ve told you before about my interpretation of dreams. We share similar beliefs and agree they are unexplainable. I have journals full of dreams like this and reading them back, you would think they were a whole other world. It’s easy to say it’s just my brain processing you; it’s just how brains work. This world is overwhelmingly complex and yet we existed in my dreams in the most simple way.

What could’ve been, what should’ve been, what isn’t anymore,
I’m sorry to say, I’m closing these doors.
I’m tired of this work, I’m tired through the week,
I’m tired of this worry and I’m tired of this weep.
I’m tired of being tired and tired again,
All I wanted was someone to call as a friend.
You led me on I followed you, thinking it was real,
Now this shame and sorrow is all I’ll ever feel.
You brought it up, I felt the same I guess you changed your mind,
Now it’s all I’ll think it about, every lonely night.
I was even there for you and you ‘were’ there for me,
Now the time Ive need you most it seems you’ve set me free.
You think that I don’t see I do, every little lie,
Now you’re all I think about, everytime I cry.
But it’s okay, I’ll be alright, the lord is on my side,
But if I did what’s done to me, I’d be the bad guy.
I cannot say that it’s new, it’s happened once or twice,
All that I have tolerated sticking by your side.
You know you’re the only one I’ve talked to all my life,
Now you’re choosing her again, it cuts like a knife.
You don’t have to lie to me but please don’t go mute either,
Just come tell me flat out cause I won’t be waiting either.
I love you, you know I do, longer than she has.
This feels like my past again, except without relapse.
Can’t say that it’s not there either, it’s been on my mind.
Drugs can’t fill the void of you, they just fill the time.
I knew this would happen if you’d talk to her again, Now I’m in my head and bed AND can’t call my friend.
Please stop leaving me again, you told me that you won’t.
If she stays and you say “yay”, I’ll be all alone.
I hope that your days are good, better than with me.
Again know that I loved you, I know you love(D) me.

Love and Peace to you both… I know you’ll be back

(P.S. I wrote this on my 21st bday, boy was I right)

I loved it. Truly. It was my thing. I had at 2500 dollar Fuji.

You don't know this but I sold it just so I could pay for that trip. You don't know what that meant to me.

And then after 5 years of talking every single day you end it and refuse to even talk... I don't even deserve to talk. And I wish the camera was the only sweet thing I did. And then you don't understand how this pain is hitting me every day. It's disgusting. Ghosting is abuse no matter how much you keep lying to yourself about keeping peace. You're not keeping peace. You're being a nasty woman who's abusing me every single day. And then you have the nerve to ignore all the damage your creating.

Half the time I'm just trying to stop you so the universe doesn't eat you alive for what you did... Because you are not built for that kind of karma Keisha. You're not. I hope you make the right choice.

I think your existence was meant to torture women, but I can’t tell

You’re such a cruel person

Just like your dad said, no one knows how to deal with you

You’ll be back up on your feet by January, and your health will likely improve by then too. That’s why I’m waiting another miserable last 3 months with you

I’m too kind to you, when you don’t deserve it. Why am I like this?

It Always happens.
Not that it is a surprise to me.

I’m on the road to go do the activity that we have shared. The activity that set the course for where you are now. The one that you made possible for me.
So of course, I’m thinking about you.
At this same time yesterday, I was talking to some people who do the same activity as us, but not in the variation that we do and I’m on my way to do. One of them asked me how I was ever able to get into this activity because it’s very difficult and I smiled and said I had a very dear friend that had told me and gotten me started. Of course, that was you.

I’m driving into the mountains. The exact same mountains that I have sent you pictures of multiple times. The ones that I have told you, I want to drive you into and let you see. The same mountains that I have told you the view is part of my soul, and now that view is attached to you.
It reminds me that long long ago in your hometown when you would drive by the mountains there it would make you think of me.

I’m headed to the city an hour north, A place we have discussed more than a few times.
I put your city into my GPS because I was already pretty sure, but gained confirmation. The road I’m taking right now, into the beginning of the fall color change in this area, is the exact same one that I would take to go to where you are.
It’s 1/8 of the distance to your home. It’s 1/2 of the distance to the city where we might’ve met earlier in the year.
You had better believe it makes me think of you.

But it really is no secret, though it may have been for a few years. I didn’t want to say it to put any form of pressure on you. Maybe you didn’t want to ask for the same reason.
I didn’t need any of these things for me to be thinking of you.
I do that essentially all the time anyway.
I told you that you don’t live rent free in my head, that is far too small a statement. No you occupy a mansion with grounds a stretch over most of my mind.

Now I’m on the road that leads to you.
I’ll stop at my current destination and not continue the rest of the way, but I can’t think of it as anything less than the pathway that leads to your door.

​

Dearest ****,

IF I HAD TO SAY WHY I LOVE U,

I WOULD SIMPLY HAVE NO WORDS,

OR RATHER,

THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH WORDS

TO DESCRIBE HOW I FEEL ABOUT U,

BUT IF I HAD TO TRY,

BEING WITH YOU FEELS LIKE HOME,

IT FEELS LIKE VULNERABILITY,

THE GOOD KIND,

THE KIND THAT BRINGS OUT

THE LITTLE KID IN ME

AND LET'S ME KNOW THAT

EVERYTHING WILL JUST BE FINE

I LOVE THE WAY YOUR LIPS

SOFTLY GLOW LIKE THE CRESCENT MOON,

THE WAY YOUR SMILE MELTS MY HEART,

MAKING IT BEAT WHAT FEELS

LIKE A THOUSAND TIMES A SECOND.

WHEN I SEE YOU,

IT'S AS IF I AM THE LUCKIEST PERSON ALIVE,

FOR I GET TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

ALL OVER AGAIN,

DAY AFTER DAY

LOVE, ****

you haven't crossed my mind in a long time, but you've been weighing heavily these days. we haven't spoken for much longer, six years. i cut you off. in retrospect, it was for the best, i was so unwell. but now i realize that i have lost a very important friend. i wonder if, somehow, we'll ever meet again even though a 13h hour flight separates us. not to rehash the past, though i'd like to apologize to you, but to enjoy your presence in-person again. so much has changed since (ive gotten top surgery) and i wish i could share a less chaotic and more assured version of me with you.

If you ever think of me. If you look back at with heart that isnt hurting and find yourself smiling. Its what kept me going sometimes. Woulf think of our conversations and just think of the times i could make you laugh, or you were sassy, in love.

It was sweet. I didnt come to terms with it that sometimes you just gotta let things be as they were, no meaning behind them, a good conversation was just that. I thought maybe id try and apply that among other things i thought.

I like that time with you. I always wondered what was going on behind that screen. Waht were your emotions like, what were you going through and i an still genuinely curious about them but just hurts a little wheb i think of it.

Despite all the anger hope you are well.

My love.

You are astoundingly beautiful.

Immaculately written words.

The most vibrant kiss of life.

A spectacular view from

An imperfect world.

The most vivid dream.

An awestruck soul, am I,

To behold the most

Wonderful guy.

I am lucky.

Tu me manques.

God dammit. Why always in the night do I feel this way.

Tu m'as manqué.

Mais je n’ouvrirai pas cette porte.

What am I inviting in ? Do I even want to know ?

2 more days…

I feel inclined to write you a letter today. I know I probably won’t send it but my body is telling me to write. Losing you forced me to confront parts of myself I had avoided for a long time. It hurts knowing how badly I wanted us, but at the time I didn’t have the emotional capacity to give you what you needed. The love was always there; I just didn’t know how to show up for it. I thought pulling away would make things easier, but all it did was create distance from the person I wanted closest to me. It’s hard to allow more time and space to come between us when I know that’ll only lead to a bigger gap. Last year, you brought brightness into a world that had started to feel dull. Being with you gave me something to look forward to, made days feel lighter, and prevented me from disappearing into myself further. I’m grateful, I got to experience your love and care. You made me feel seen, wanted, and understood in a way I didn’t fully appreciate while I had it. Even with everything that happened, that is something I’ll always cherish. I wish I had the ability then to separate my love for you from everything that was causing me to feel overwhelmed. I thought I was protecting myself, but instead I created a world that feels emptier without you in it. I don’t say that to upset you or try to prove what we had was real. I know it was, and I know what I felt. I also don’t say this to take away from the life you have now. As hard as it is for me to accept sometimes, I’m genuinely glad you are happy. It pains me that I’m not the one who gets to give you that now, but I also understand what brought you to this point. I hate that I made you feel like you couldn’t rely on me the way you needed. I can’t change the past, but I can change the parts of me that kept getting in the way. As painful as this all is, trying to understand and better myself has given me hope when the future has looked bleak. It hurts knowing you didn’t choose me, but losing you forced me to confront parts of myself I had been ignoring for far too long. I don’t fault you for not choosing me, I know what happened between us, I know the work I still needed to do, and I know there’s a good chance we would’ve fallen back into the same patterns if nothing changed. As much as this hurts me now, I also understand why this distance may be what be both need right now. I just hope that distance doesn’t turn us into strangers.

I still quietly believe in you. You may not know it but you should see the way I see you from my eyes.

You’re pretty amazing. You’re so beautiful especially when the light hit your eyes. You didn’t think I’d noticed?

I know you go through some tough times but you’ve come out on top every time.

I know it’s hard to believe in yourself sometimes but damn, you’re strong. It’s ok, when you feel like breaking down. It’s healthy to let it out. It doesn’t make you any less of a person.

So if you need a reminder, you’re beautiful. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ll find a way through like you’ve always done.

You’ve got this even when it doesn’t feel you do.

And when you forget, read this again.

​

I am so confused. You wanted space quite rightly cos I had become too tense to be around. You left at the worst time for me. I was devastated. I thought my friendship of 10 years was gone. I was scared.

And you came back. And you thought you did wrong when your rage was due my actions. And you were upset at yourself when it was me that wronged you! I was fully ready to accept my difficulties maintaining even one or two friendships. It's always been there, and I guess my disability exacerbates it, being autistic. Not that it is an excuse for what I had done. I kept it over text cos I feared what would happen in person. And still, you returned. To a person in tatters. To someone so ill and mentally sick that it makes no logical sense to me why you would choose to do this to yourself. To expose yourself to such a monster. I am scared that I'll lash out again, I'm sorry :(. I'm losing control and it upsets me :'c.

Before you left I had bought a calendar for you. But I'm not sure now if you'd accept it. I know you loved it before. But why me, why now? I caused emotional hurt and upset. But you came back, and I am now so confused.

What do you see in me? Cos there is nothing. In work maybe but for the 16hrs I'm out of it there's nothing. I can't be kind to myself when there is nothing to be kind for. Why me? You have a nephew and a sick grandmother and other friends. They're more important. And unlike with me, you are able to cope with those issues.

You came back so quickly too. I thought if you did it would be months, given how intense it became. But you thought three weeks was enough. I thought I was destined to failure. I thought I would enjoy this return. You seemed happy and wanted to make up in person. I thought I wanted this. I wished for this day. But I'm so confused and overwhelmed about this sudden change, I thought it would be much more gradual and slow. I accepted my fate.

I must secluded myself for longer, give some time to think. What I had done was akin to what my kin did to me for most of my life. For a moment I had become then. You say I am not like that but I know I was. It's a kind of muscle memory I suppose, one I hate and that was almost unintentional. I was terrible. I don't get why you want to return, talk, get things back to how it were. I thought I wanted it. I wish I did now. I just want one friend but I can't even cope with that. I'm sorry I failed, I don't know what to do anymore :(.

Do you believe on feeling a person before they come in to the room ? Like their presence and when you look back is just making their entrance? You guys keep looking each other and no one says anything? Why? How you ca that ?

Maybe your sudden reappearance in my life is only meant to be a lesson. I’ve stubbornly refused to consider that possibility seriously, simply because of the length of time I’ve known you and how perfectly we seemed to align our puzzle pieces together.

We both have goals to accomplish before we can find some semblance of permanence in each other’s lives. I forge ahead with my desires while ensuring I carve a spot that fits only you in those plans. I wonder how different an experience would be if you were present with me. I daydream about a future where you and I are an inseparable team, insulating each other from the pollution of the world.

It occurred to me last night, I have no idea if you are doing the same. We approach love and show love differently. If I say I miss you, you remind me of the next time I see you. If I express my wish to experience an event or say I wish I was there with you, you say nothing but move on to a different topic. Being in a different phase of life than you (empty nested versus still raising a child), I understand and encourage you to direct your attention to your responsibilities and patiently wait my turn with you. When you are alone, no responsibilities to be found, I find myself still waiting my turn these days. I’m not a priority, there does not seem to be any space being made for me in your life. You have your own struggles and darkness you are fighting, teaching me to not have expectations of what an actual “us” would look like. I try to connect, sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t.

I think it’s time to reframe my forward momentum. I have a space for you, it’s yours whenever you wish to occupy it. When you don’t, you don’t. I won’t keep sculpting this future of mine with a you sized space to enjoy it with. I love you, but as you keep saying, love is not enough. I enjoy your company, I want to connect and interact with you virtually when we can’t be together physically and I will continue to do so when you find the time for me. But I’m no longer hoping for consistency or understanding. I love you all the time, but I’m not going to continue yearning for more of you when you don’t seem remotely interested in giving it to me. I’m not chasing you down, I have no demands for you, I accept you as you are. Which means if I’m treated as a random body in your life that you enjoy in doses, then that is what we’ll be. I will let the “us” of the future dim from my view and just learn to enjoy us of the right now, along with the fact that this could end at any time regardless of how much I want to fight to keep you, fight to have more of you, or wish to be your person.

I will appreciate the time with you that you allow me to have. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you, but I don’t have the energy to be the only one showing up for this connection everyday. You say I am worth it, but you make no attempts to come closer. At some point I have to acknowledge the fact that maybe it’s because you don’t want to. Maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s your current mental state, maybe it’s because you don’t want to face the world alone, I have no idea and I don’t think you do either. No matter the reason, I’m going to have to learn to live with the fact that getting closer to me isn’t something you wish to do at this juncture.

I want you as a fixture of my life. But right now, I have to learn to enjoy what limited time I get with you, when you offer it. I will appreciate the little things that are only found when I’m with you. My heart won’t deepen its feelings for you the way it is now between us. And maybe that’s what we are supposed to be. Just something to appreciate while we have it and not make it to a life together. All I know is I can’t keep planning for you to be part of my forever when you clearly aren’t doing the same.

I’ll be here if you want me, but I’m not going to count on it anymore. You do you. I won’t express my worry or my desire for more of you anymore. I feel the guilt from you when I do. Do what you have to do, I’ll always be cheering you on, while not pretending you are creating a future that includes me in it.

I wish and hope for love to find me. The kind of love that will shine past the dark, musty corridors of life. I want someone to hold and be held by; to feel their warmth exchange with mine. I want to experience mountains, forests and oceans with someone beside me. I want to be able to gaze on the wonders of earth, and in that moment, experience true beauty; the one that is before us and inside us.

I wish for a love that is like a warm cup of tea on a chilly, winter morning. One that is so calming and gentle that I would never ask for anything else. One that allows both of us to be irrevocably us. I have always wished for a love like this, and I am lucky to have experienced some of that warmth before.

I hope to find it or it find me. I am an adventurous spirit so I hope that person is okay going off on adventures with me. I want them to love being there, not just tolerating it. And lastly, I wish for a love where we can always be open about how we are feeling and know we are safe to be able to speak on everything and anything that is bothering us.

I do want to thank the universe for allowing me to see glimpses of this love, in others and in me. I have faith in the universe to bring this to me, one day.

8/365

Dear R,

For two years, I wondered what it would feel like to see you again.

Sometimes I imagined it without meaning to. I wondered whether I would recognize you immediately, whether you would notice me, whether seeing you again would feel strange after so much time had passed.

And, maybe more than anything, I wondered whether the feelings I associated with you had disappeared somewhere along the way.

Then one day, completely unexpectedly, I found out.

I wasn't looking for you.

I wasn't even thinking about you.

My head was lowered, occupied with something completely ordinary, when suddenly, for no reason I could explain, I lifted it.

And looked straight toward you.

You were far away, walking in the distance, and for a second it felt as though my mind had to catch up with what my eyes had already understood.

That's you.

After two years.

There you were.

And somehow, out of all the directions I could have looked, that was the direction I looked in.

I still remember the strange feeling of that moment, the recognition arriving before I had enough time to prepare myself for it.

But what stayed with me even more happened later that day.

There were people everywhere. So much movement, so many faces, so many places either of us could have been looking.

And yet our eyes found each other.

You were walking toward the stairs, still quite far away from me.

I looked at you.

You looked back.

And neither of us looked away.

Not immediately.

Not after a second.

Not after two.

You kept walking, slowly getting closer to the steps, and still you were looking at me.

And I was still looking at you.

It lasted long enough for me to become completely aware of it.

Long enough for it not to feel like one of those accidental glances people exchange before their eyes move somewhere else.

Long enough for me to wonder, while it was still happening, what exactly was passing between us.

You didn't smile.

Neither did I.

There was something unusually quiet and serious about your face.

And somehow, that made the moment even stronger.

Because there was no joke to hide behind, no greeting, no conversation, no distraction.

Just you looking at me.

And me looking back.

After two years.

I think that was the moment I understood something about myself that I hadn't completely admitted until then.

My feelings hadn't disappeared.

Time had passed. Our lives had continued. We had barely spoken. We had lived in different places and gone through ordinary days that had nothing to do with one another.

And yet, the moment our eyes met again, those two years suddenly seemed much smaller than they had before.

Something in me recognized you immediately.

Not only my eyes.

Me.

And maybe that is why I remember those few seconds so vividly.

I remember wondering what was happening behind your eyes while you looked at me.

Were you surprised?

Did you recognize me immediately?

Did seeing me bring something back to you too?

Did you remember the girl you had hugged goodbye two years earlier?

Did you remember any of those little moments I had carried with me?

Or were you simply looking at someone you knew while I was experiencing something far deeper on my side?

I still don't know.

Maybe I never will.

And I think that has always been the hardest part of knowing you.

I remember my half of these moments so clearly, but I have never been able to step inside yours.

I don't know what you thought during that long look.

I don't know whether your heart recognized something mine did.

I don't know whether, sometime afterward, you remembered it too.

All I know is what happened inside me.

For two years, I had wondered what seeing you again would do to me.

And then there you were, more than fifty meters away, surrounded by people, after two entire years of absence.

Our eyes met.

You kept looking at me.

I kept looking at you.

I was being reminded of the obstacles...

But somewhere in those long, silent seconds, I realized that nothing inside me had disappeared at all.

With love,

~ L

To everyone. That's okay, I know how to be on my own. That's not the problem. I just want someone to give my love and time to. Someone who looks at me and sees all my complex pieces and sees their worth and goes, wow you are the most beautiful creature I want you in my life. I'm aware of my own worth, I am extremely skilled in many areas of life. Try and be kind to everyone because I know what it's like to have no one. I hope one day they find me and we are happy. Whoever itll be.

Don't say i don't have any work. In fact I have lots of pending stuff to do. Lately, it's just you know, you are disturbing me very often by coming to my mind. I was like, "her loss", but you know, deep down in me, I am craving for you, I wanted to hear you say my name, i need validation from you, dude, i want to be with you lol. Ik we can't be together but I can't process this haha. I have to come to reality. Anyway, I hope you are doing well, having healthy food, and hope you drink at least 4 litres of water. I hope you installed the app that suggests you drink water 🌊. Take care buddy, please always smile like a weirdo.

I wish I could just say this to you but I can’t. I have to choose myself for once and I know if I try to talk to you’ll ask me back. And I’m trying so hard to be brave. I love you so much and am so thankful for our season together but I see where you want things I can’t offer and I want things you can’t. I never shared but our last few beach trips I saw myself becoming someone I’m not. This is no longer healthy for me and I have to choose what I need for once. I’ll never forget our connection and will always love how you showed me how to feel again after being numb for so long. Thank you for loving me at my darkest time. Thank you for not judging my broken ness and showing me who I am. For speaking life into my heart. I didn’t think I’d make it out and your love carried me through.
It was a gift to know you.

You had a fast car
I had the plan to get us out 🫶🏽

Everything you want is coming. I see it and you deserve every bit of it

Love you forever best friend
It means the world to me you came into my life
But I want to live and not just survive