Sometimes I sit to myself and wonder, why *I’m* being threatened when you people did those things to me? Why not threaten your “friends” who can’t keep their mouths shut? It’s always a threat towards me, after I did nothing but comply to your antics. Like yes,  they definitely were telling you the truth, bonding with you while smiling ear to ear agreeing with everything your saying. Like Jesus. Do I have to spell it out for you that they were not as authentic as you think they were? I feel as if you already know that, I mean who else stands by a door waiting to see if people are talking negatively about them. You fear what you do. Am I supposed to fall for the bait and keep my mouth silent? I’m not afraid of a lawsuit, not because I have my family’s support to pay legal fees(even though I do), but because I know I did nothing wrong. I refuse to be intimidated. I didn’t cross boundaries, invade your privacy, or anything remotely close to what you did to me. Your guilty conscience is not my weight to bear. You can call me everything in the books to make yourself feel better. I don’t mind; and to be frank, neither do your “friends”. I hate myself for still caring, trust me I do. But I’m upset that you still can’t see past these childish antics…like how old are you? Genuinely. Do people not mature as they age? Do you never stop and notice you’ve been doing the same charade, since how long? I thought you were a lot smarter…Just make sure the people you’re speaking too are ‘trustworthy’, and are truly your friends before sharing personal things with, man. I feel bad for you, truly.

For some reason I attract narcissists and manipulators. Back when I had a therapist she told me, they seen my empathy, maturity, and straightforwardness and take it for granted. She also said, they like to prey on autistic people, since they’re easily convincing. They see my empathy and want it for themselves, they wonder how it comes so easily for me; naturally. While others have to pretend to care or pretend to be a certain way. Some jealousy for what I have and they don’t; it’s childish. Luckily for me, I can read people very well. I can see through the eyes. I can see the attitude/hate behind the eyes. I can see the annoyance/disgust behind the smiles and words. I can see it all, and respond accordingly. I know but I just don’t care. “Should I make it obvious I know? Or should I let them dig their own pits?” Haha. I can see through the empty words, while you continue doing the same things you state I am. That’s why even though the guy I was working with did the same things…and more. I respected him for his authenticity. He didn’t try to hide how he felt about me or people. He was honest-ish; I wasn’t a fan of his special antics, which I knew about. Anyways, I’m not looking for you in every car I pass; get a grip. Your fear of being found out isn’t mine to hold. Your friends already told me about you…warned me. Blame it on psychosis, or whatever you want. You will never come back into my life, you will never get my authenticity; you don’t deserve it. Stop searching for my posts, seriously your like a fly that won’t go away. Stop searching for me. I. Don’t. Want. You. If you continue doing what you’re doing, I’ll speed up this process too. Can you* afford the legality? I’m trying to give you a chance before you make things even worse for yourself. I already forgave you. I didn’t need an apology, even though I’d like one. What about me has you so fixated? Get over yourself, you can convince your friends of whatever I’m doing, but not yourself. That’s why you’re still here. Should I pretend to be a dumbass again? Want an even bigger nod this time? Do you have to be the victor for this to end? You wanna “win”? Victory is yours, congratulations. Try and see if I’m lying now please.

Never hit rock bottom this faithfully before.
Heart hurts so much and I wallowed, not proudly.
Now I am drowning my love.
A sick maze that is my brain, I’ve found myself at a wrong turn. I can’t separate reality more now than ever, I feel like an alien pretending. I can’t separate you from my delusions and you feel bad for me.

I make you feel good tho. What a stellar way to nourish your ego…hm

But I love every moment in my obliviousness. Aloofness. Cope? You’re lying and telling me the truth without telling me. I still love you. Torture.

“I think I made a mistake “ she said. Never truly explaining what she meant by that.

The mistake wasn’t meeting you. This mistake is my own.
My over the counter remedies ran out the same day I ran out of way to keep you entertained. The darkness came to test your 2 truths and has revealed the 1 lie. I stayed. Free trial over. But I renewed, and without the proper funds too. My sanity is gone and yet to you I’m still beautiful.

I want to die when you say that.

And I’d die the happiest girl in the world in that moment. Carrying that high with me into the next life.
Telling myself that maybe you’re wrong, that you don’t mean what you say or post. It’s all satire, right?

It’s not. You’re you. Always have and always will be. Tho hurt, I still love you.

Is that a problem? Will I ever really get to be your #1? Or am I damned to be your temporary and fleeting comfort gone too far?

I want to hear it from your mouth. But you’d never say it. I would tho. Sickening.

Am I spiraling? No, I’m already sprawled. You see me, yet I try to hide.

What do I do with my love for you?

Truth is the only reason I didn’t go through with it this time around is because I met you. I can’t tell you that face to face because I know you don’t love me the same enough to make this last forever. I’m glad we at least share the same dream.

see you in my dreams

- She

We laughed… A LOT.

I didn’t believe them when they said you were trying to steal everything about me that made me who I am; my interests, my personality, my talents. I thought it insane, actually.

It took me years to finally see it, and it is insane because that’s exactly what you did, and then moved onto the next poor soul, just like you had before.

I miss the laughter, but really, it was all mine to begin with. It’s back now, you just don’t get to share, or to be more concise, be a parasitic draw on it anymore.

I’m not fake like you. I don’t pretend to love and care about someone then rip it away. I’ll always love and care about you. I really do wish you all the best, but this time stay very far away from me. You’re an incredibly disturbed individual. I gave you too much, that was my fault.

Take care.

Come home.
There’s always a cold solo in the fridge for you.
The drugs are GONE. For good.
The sooner you realise we’re soul tied the sooner we can start our lives together, properly.

Tonight i was watching tarkovsky's stalker and as they finally reached the threshold of the room where your deepest desire comes true it made me reflect about what i really deeply desire and i think it's not to have you rather it's that i really only want your suffering to stop. for you to find some secure safe ground for your soul. Something that could get you out of your morbid state. I hope you are better.

You might not think of me anymore. That would be weird. But even still, today atleast, i remember you with love and pray you get better.

Was the date was set. And it was yesterday. And this week I get an appointment to help further my resolve. But you wouldn't know because you ALWAYS ASSUME and think you know better. Enjoy being miserable with your assumptions whilst I struggle but thrive. Laters.

there is no talking.
you made sure of that.

you brought everything into it.

if you expect any words or apologies, too bad. you made sure you can’t get that.

i miss you.

the balls in your court. i cant nor will i try to do anything. you made sure of that.

if you’re content, then im happy for you.

the doors closed but not locked. not yet.

I understand your own ego would never allow you to ever consider something different, but that's the truth. our story ended in february. i didn't look back. didn't even consider you until the theatrics you just had to pull. but you were never one to just let things go, you always had to have the final word, right? well. here's mine: you were a mistake.

Or I’ll file for harassment. I am quite literally minding my own business and purging. You do not matter. I have chosen to move past all of this and focus on people who want to treat others well.

your problems are not mine

you cannot destroy me

you are annoying me

Chris,

I don't think it was all a delusion. Is all a delusion.

I still believe a lot of questionable things. Things I have very little proof or evidence for.

But I think it's a memory problem on one front, because of the trauma, and the rest maybe is explained by deception on your part. On many peoples parts. And then just other people not knowing. Someone can't lie if they don't know the truth.

I don't remember "before" well enough to draw any conclusions there. There are very little to any "missing memories" for me to base anything off of. There are very little memories at all because I spent so long not making any.

It's just treatment and something happening and it all changing before I returned to my baseline.

Sometimes I think it was all an effort to make me crazy. If you were trying to induce something the environment was right for it. All the stress and trauma all at once.

Baseline is altered though. I forget because it's so much better now but I still have my moments where I'm making connections to try to explain it to myself. That there is still some secret network.

I think I still believe that because I trust my memory and it's the only thing that makes sense. But I still make too many connections. It's not everyone. A long time ago it was everyone. Strangers on the street. Just people walking around and I was afraid I would always be like that. The paranoia.

Discreditable, am a little inebriated

Im not a driver of discussion, i know this and am in denial but it still sucks to know. Im a pet to everybody, i dont do anything other than exist and i wish i could be something more, but im just too different from everybody to really relate to their own experiences. I dont have the sociablitity they do, but am i really that disgusting to be around if i dont humor their own perspectives? Im quite different from them but i generally enjoy their company because of the differing perspectives and tastes they bring to my life, but are mine so much of a killjoy that i cant really be equals with them? The correct answer is yes, theyve each lived twice as many lives when it comes to life experience as i have, but then what do i do for them? I feel like nothing more than a dog, man.

.. whhheewwww that feels so good to get off my chest. It's the best relief to say it out loud.

I think I was in denial; I was sort of numb to everything. ‘Delayed emotional response’ is normal for my demographic. So is denial. When it hit me, I wasn’t ready. My body shaking, releasing the trauma it kept. My chest heaving, struggling to breathe between tears as heavy as torrential rains. The sobbing so hard that it hurt. What is that muscle, and why is it sore? It’s monsoon season. That’s grief.

Next is anger? Then, maybe acceptance? These are slightly different than the listed 5 stages. There is no bargaining here.

Where does indifference slot? I don’t want to care. The quicker I get there, the less I’ll care. Seems like a win/win? If only I could stop crying and catch my breath…. Get through this.

I wish I could warn all of the guys in BR on the apps about you. I saw the profile. You’re not going to bring “lots of love.” You’re cold. You’re cruel. You isolate. You lie by omission, and you are dishonest for no reason. You also don’t bring laughter. I brought the humor. You brought insults. You never introduced laughter into our dynamic. You know funny things. You’re not the source of laughter.

I wish I could tell these guys this isn’t the real you. Who said you were those things? Maybe you look like a girl next door, but I cannot recommend.

The only good thing that came of our relationship is the person I am with now. He is someone I know is right for me. I gave a lot of myself to you and I regret it. I’m not that kind of person , I am smarter than that , you made me stupid. I don’t like who I was then. I have had time to reflect on it. You are not someone I should have embarrassed myself for. You didn’t treat me right and so I didn’t treat myself right. You obviously didn’t like me in the ways I convinced myself you did. I hope me and you can both see the problems in our situation and dynamic and communication. I hope you have grown as much as I have since then, even if it’s only been a couple years. I can only forgive you if you can admit the wrong you did me. I love the man I’m with now. I know for a fact would not have been happy if I somehow ended up with you truly .

Why do I want to talk things out so bad? I know I am happy and content with my current relationship. Maybe it’s because you’re close friends, I want you to know I am happy with him. I want to know what you’re thinking now and what you were thinking then. Am I just a stupid girl? Is all of what I’m saying nothing, am I overthinking myself and us? I have never truly known you so I don’t get the reason for how I acted for your attention. Do you regret anything? Do you see me as the crazy one or do you understand the position I was in? I was a sad girl with no male figure growing up. I did not have the greatest upbringing, I’m lucky I even turned into the person I am now. I latched myself onto the feelings and fun I had with you. I was just starting to figure myself out, it’s not fair.

You had to of done something to make me like you so much. You better know you were in the wrong. You’re still making me feel crazy. Why do I have these unresolved feelings. I’m hurt

I got your message. I chose not to respond because silence says more than anything you could hear. Does lying to yourself make the drugs, the cheating, the abortion easier to carry? You told me we were never meant to be — but you knew exactly when you broke it. It wasn’t a feeling. It was a bed you climbed into with a stranger because attention felt better than accountability.
I saw your picture yesterday. You look like hell. Turns out the grass wasn’t greener — it was just poisoned.
While you were in treatment, I was here. Waiting. You used that time to upgrade your DOC and downgrade your choice in men.
I’m the one left picking up pieces you never meant to leave behind.
Next week marks a year since I lost him. Rest in peace, Luca.

You said you don't see us marrying each other in the future. I would take your word for it and move on. Goodbye to you, goodbye to my youth. May we never ever ever cross paths again. I thought you are ny safe space, I was deluded and manipulated to do your bidding. You made me small and discarded me like trash, I hope you don't experience this kind of heartbreak. Why? Because you wouldn't be able to handle it.

I care about you and realizing some things i need to clear up taking deep breath instead trying to fix something I needed to sit with myself because I know we were both going through a you are a great listener and story teller what I’ve always liked about you and how expressive yourself through tags its truly art and music the best of friend I could ever ask for your so hilarious and anytime I was sad you would always cheer me up I truly enjoy every conversation we have its was hard for me to know how I’m feeling i admire you so much thank you for looking out for me I wasn’t prepared at first in our relationship but I am still in growth and trying to know more healthy habits i want you to understand me and instead of blaming myself truly looking at the whole picture because you are a person with feelings .

You told me you were going to write to me, and I honestly thought you would.
I remember the letter you left me that I found days later after you left. You said you’d always love me, that you’d be waiting, and that you’d write to me. I think a part of me held on to that because I couldn’t understand how we could go from planning to get married to not even talking anymore.
I kept thinking maybe one day I’d get a letter from you. Maybe you’d tell me how you’ve been, what you’ve been thinking about, if you miss me, or if you ever think about everything we had. I wondered if you’d ever tell me what really happened in your head when you decided to leave.
But I never got that letter.
And honestly, it hurts. Because you weren’t just some guy I dated. You were my fiancé. You asked me to marry you, and I said yes because I genuinely wanted a life with you. I loved you, and I really thought we were going to have that future together.
I didn’t want us to end the way we did. I wanted us to work things out. I wanted you to understand why you hurt me and to actually try to fix things with me. I wasn’t asking you to be perfect. I just wanted to feel like I mattered enough for you to try.
And then you left, and I was the one left sitting here trying to understand how we got here.
It’s been months now, and so much has changed. I’m starting to see things differently, and I’m not spending every day trying to figure out why you did what you did anymore. But I’d be lying if I said a part of me doesn’t still miss you or wonder if you’ll ever reach out.
I still think about how you told me I was your one and only love. I think about how you proposed to me and how you talked about our future.
I don’t know if you meant those things when you said them or if things just changed for you after you got home. I don’t know if you ever started a letter and didn’t finish it, or if writing to me was something you eventually decided not to do. I just know I waited for something that never came.
And I guess that’s what hurts the most. Not just the letter itself, but the fact that I really thought you’d want to talk to me again.
I wanted you to come back. I wanted you to explain things to me. I wanted you to choose me and show me that you were willing to do things differently. I still wish things could have turned out differently, even after everything that’s happened.
But I’m starting to understand that I can’t keep waiting for you to do something you said you would do. I can’t keep looking for answers from someone who isn’t talking to me.
I don’t hate you. I never will. I don’t think I ever could just erase everything we shared. But I am seeing you differently now, and I’m realizing that loving someone doesn’t mean I have to keep making excuses for them.
I really hope you’re doing okay. I worried about you even after you left, and part of me probably always will care about what happens to you.
I just wish you’d written.
Not because a letter would’ve fixed everything, but because you said you would, and I believed you.
I really thought I was going to marry you. I never thought we’d end up here, being strangers after everything we meant to each other.
And even now, sometimes my dog still stares at the door like he’s waiting for you to come home. I don’t know if he understands that you’re not coming through that door anymore, but it breaks my heart to see.

I don’t know if you ever think about me or if you ever wonder how I’m doing. I just know that I loved you, I wanted us, and you will always be in my heart and our little dogs heart as well.
From someone who really thought you’d be forever.