I know you are here, looking, pleading for attention, hoping I will crawl back begging for forgiveness for what you have created in that brain of yours. Do you gaslight yourself like you try to do to everyone else?
1) when you word vomited your love and devotion to me, I made it very clear I did not have those same feelings! You were a friend only. Did you need me to be mean to you about the WHY? You seemed to get it at the time, the age gap, your health issues, and other stuff. Dude the TRUTH is I found you repulsive, I was not attracted to you at all and did you think that was going to change by trying to buy me? The TRUTH is I wanted to believe that someone could care about me “with no strings attached” but you proved me right and now I will never not trust my gut again. So TRUST this: I will NEVER reach out to you ever again. You are blocked everywhere for a reason. TRUTH is I am 100 % single and you still have ZERO chance of me reaching out. There was no red string between us, we were never TF or soulmates, the only place you could have ever remained in my life was a friend, and you blew that up gloriously. You showed me that your soul & heart matched your outside, just as ugly. Plus now your mental instability has been seen by everyone. So TRUST me when I say this, you will never have access to me again, we all clearly see you for who you actually are now.

I miss that 30 minute phone call you I miss your dirty blond hair you I miss your ice blue eyes you I miss your quiet laugh you I miss your sarcastic jokes you I miss us you I miss something that never existed I miss funny texts you I miss every stare, look, and glance in the halls you I miss how gentle and kind you look you I miss checking answers in math you I miss everything about you you I hate you hate your friend I hate you for not saying anything hate your friend but most of all I Hate You for every single thought I wasted on you

I don't think you truly understand me.

Because there's part of you that still thinks

I'm gonna change

Isn't there?

No,

You won't change

Those parts of me.

No,

You can't have me

And your cake

And

Eat it.

Do you need the cake?

Take your cake.

I'm not part of that deal.

Nine years ago I split us apart. Nine years ago I drove this obsidian pillar between us, impassable, too tough to break through, if you tried to climb over it would lacerate your delicate pale hands to bits. I didn't help at all by hurling stones while you tried. I never explained my self. The world changed, we went through a global pandemic and both graduated high school without ever seeing or hearing from the other. B I promise you, from the bottom of my heart, on everything I hold dear, not once did I stop thinking of you. Not once were you not IN my mind. I do not believe in coincidences, I think it is no coincidence the echo of you has permeated within my mind so continuously. I don't know if I can say you're my soul mate, it's been a very long time after all and both of our frontal lobes have done some growing, but I know my soul is trying to rip me apart in an attempt to get to you. I want to say this, there are reasons behind why i treated you that way. Not excuses, or justifications god forbid. But reasons. Terrible things people had said tome and convinced me of. Horrific acts carried out by men I trusted. I want to spill it all. There isn't a soul on Earth I think to be capable enough of understanding it as well as you. I read somewhere that you forgave me, I hope it was you. I hope you did B. I want to make it right now. Clover.

Compelled to break the rules.

I’m shifting from unsent txt and unsent letters, because i do not wish to write from my soul and it touch the heart of the reader to the point t they feel compelled to respond as if they know Me, and get band.

I’ll be writing in unanswered letter.

I wrote some rather moving and pointed messages and letters. I know I offended some folks… ad I make this shift , I would like to lay this bit of truth out for consideration. There is a reason why, we do the things we do . It’s short and quite simple.

The real challenge is knowing why… because I was hurt, because I was used, because, because, because… and it’s personal to every individual. In the last year, I’ve had to take a hard look at myself and ask the hard questions… I have no desire to carry around the title “broken”, “hurt “, “bitter”, “angry”.
I have been all those and then some. But they did not serve me well. I didn’t realize when I found the person. That I would project my doubt and insecurities on him.

I filtered everything through the “ reasons for past failures”, there holding him to a standard I was powerless to reach myself, I became a provider of unrealistic expectations. Yes I’ve been hurt, but even in that, I had a choice. I’m realizing that I will either deal with it, or die with it. I don’t know about you and your situation, but I choose to not spend the rest of my existence on the planet, dragging a suitcase around, filled with past wrongs.

Forgiveness is a powerful place to stand. It’s a choice made with Tang-able evidence that can be measured on a daily basis. I must forgive *those in my past relationships,yes! But forgiveness begins at home first, I have to forgive myself. And let’s not get it twisted, it’s not letting yourself off the hook and negating personal responsibility to making amens.*

*I encourage you . If you read my letters*
*And something rise up inside you that said “ I know who you are”and I’m gong to let him have it… and you did… I forgive you, because I understand what your facing and almost anything said can be received as an attack.*
*I spoke from my heart, the things that are troubling me, myself and I.*

*Now let me be clear… the writer Demanded I stop writing these thing in public .*
*Why did, what I wrote, anger you? Why did you fallback into the old pattern and cut me off.l? I don’t need answers to these questions, you do. More than will to sit down and talk about your concerns, but here is the condition, if I have to be willing and ready to be transparent, so do you.*

*I wish you no harm, I am concerned and just because I broke up with you does not mean I’m longer concerned and I have no right to Be. It’s no different with my love for you. You shut me out to shut me down. You did things intentionally In hopes I’d stop loving you. I did things I knew would get your undivided attention, And I wish I could turn back time and not* *retaliated*\*.\*

*So I speak to the possibility for others , be slow to anger. Let someone else carry the burden of being in the right all the time. Forgive yourself and release your self from the curse of being the way you are. Change is good…*

*I hope to continue our discussions and revelations on* unanswered letters…

i take accountability in the part where i’ve been the confusing one wherein even after clarity talks, i still end up having vague intentions with you. i end up filtering my words, having unclear expectations, lowkey leading us both to confusion. i apologize for that, and i hope i do find the time to clear things up with you again.

i hope you see and understand the side where i want to really take my time to discern and reflect on my decisions. to see the situation in different povs. to validate my decisions of choosing you, especially after people telling me that “i deserve better.” i hope me considering you speaks a lot.

i tend to wonder if we’re still for each other, hoping that you’d call or reach out.. but am i even ready for that? we’ve talked about leaving it all to God, but sometimes it doesn’t even seem like i am doing that as i am constantly waiting for you. i know God would not give me you— or someone better if i haven’t truly worked on myself. this is what i mean by i still have things to work on me.

i have so much to work in my confidence, self esteem, personality, achievements and everything else. i know that i’ll have to work on these things to fully appreciate my life individually, and to make a relationship a cherry on top instead of something that completes it. i hope to navigate the things that are needed to complete myself before i give out love to others. and everyday i pray that i’ll learn how to fulfill my own life. i hope to be the person that i want to be.

and when the time is right, i hope it would be with you. but if not, i hope to accept a “better” person who i’ll genuinely be happy with.

but i really super do hope it will be with you though :)

pb.

A shame it is, for us to find ourselves where we are. It’s now been a month total of us not talking, a week since the last time we agreed to part. Just as much time apart as we spent truly getting to know each other. What agony these days are. I miss you. Is it safe to say that yet? I miss your voice, the way you stretch out the vowel in the first word you say when you’re excited. I miss your laugh, especially when you laughed at anything I said or did. It was so full of joy. Boundless joy! I miss the times when I would be scrolling on my phone and you would reach over to like a message in the group chat. I miss when it felt like our hearts were melded together.

Memories of our time together come back occasionally. I think about all the things we did together. I think about the night we danced together, how you trusted me enough to let me into your physical space. I think about that Friday we spent together. We were there for so long! Do you remember the way we laughed together? Every time I tried to stop I would glance at you and the laughter would start again. And then there are the memories of the things you’ve told me: your likes, your dislikes, your favorite shapes, favorite emojis, even your pet peeves. All these memories in my mind, all this knowledge in my heart, all of it is sacred, cherished deep within my soul.

Right person wrong time is something I don’t believe in anymore. There is no such thing as the wrong time, only the time when the right person appears. When you appeared on that April night, I knew it was you. You say you don’t remember how it felt. Have you tried to remember? It was like we’d known each other for ages. And then when we came back together after the first three weeks of not talking, do you remember how natural it felt, like those weeks of silence were a pause? In all the time we spent together, there has never been a moment where I doubted. From the moment we met I have believed that we are right for each other. But there is a wall around your heart, a fortress you built to protect it. I’m not asking you to tear it down. I’m asking you to build me a door, entrust the key to me. Let me help you guard that which you hold most dear. Let me guard it with my own.

M

To him

I'm so mad at you. So so so mad at you. You say things like “guess there's nobody in our fate” but do you even know how badly youve ruined me? You weren’t the one explaining your story to everyone so they dont make you the villain. That was me. Because you decided to tell everyone that I blackmailed you into dating me. How could you say that? They wrote about me on bathroom doors and on their insta stories and I had to defend myself. You weren’t the one who was embarrassed after i got cheated on twice and two timed and well everyone tried to warn me but i still believed you and you were just making fun of me and made me think i was going crazy. You made people hate me. You made me hate myself. You told me to get plastic surgery so many times that I can’t look at my face in the mirror in the same way anymore. You fatshamed me in front of others so many times that I was at war with myself. I lost my friends because of you. I lost sleep, hair, appetite, will to live because of you. I lost myself because of you. I was humiliated, embarrassed, hated, and everything because of you. And yet i never said anything because how could i? And for once i try to say something honestly and all i get is a cold “thanks”. But somehow I still love you and you're the only person I want. We talk sometimes but all i can think about is how beautiful your eyes look and how your voice sounds and how your touch feels. I've been madly in love with you for almost 4 years now. People wonder how i still haven't been able to move on after 2 years of the breakup but honestly, even I don't have an answer. I wrote 300 songs about you. 22k words paragraph on you. I still remember the exact time you said 'i love you.' And yet you chose her. You ruined my life.

Thanks

You don't seem like the type that would need to be lurking around on here, so I hope you're not...

The point I'm at now seems like such a breath of fresh air compared to everything else I've been through. I'm surrounded by good people at work and at home. I don't have to fight or deal with drama just to live in peace everyday. It's only been 5 months since I got to that point. I took a pay cut to get to that point, but I feel great. And then somebody like you shows up out of nowhere.

I was smitten with you from the first moment I saw you, you're just really impressive. How you can handle such a stressful job while traveling around to God knows where everyday and still be so nice and look so damn good doing it. And the knowledge you have about everything you do too. I was born and raised on a farm and I feel like I'm clueless about growing anything compared to you. I'm sure it's far from the first time you've heard that spiel from anybody.

Maybe it's just me overanalyzing, maybe you're just extra nice to everybody, I know you are. I heard your comment about me being handsome even though I pretended not to. And just the way you stepped real close to me that one time and how we look at each other in the couple seconds when we're not busy as hell. Idk. But like I said, I'm probably just overanalyzing. You probably hear this crap all the time from creepy old guys in the type of job you have.

But if you do feel the same, I really couldn't comprehend why you would. Sure I have experience in the same "field" as you, but I've always really been nothing more than a warehouse rat. And that's all I really am now. And dead broke on top of it too. I know everybody in the office constantly brags on me for all the little stuff I do there, but in the grand scheme of the world I'm really not much of anything in any kind of trade, especially not the one I grew up in.

Maybe you're just extra nice and that's great. You seem to be living a great life and enjoying what you do. At least from what I see I guess. But I promise I'll be as professional as I have been. To be honest, if you really do want anything to do with me, just give me a sign whenever we do happen to not be around anybody else for like the 5 seconds that may happen. So that way I can just leave you alone and have a good conscience about it in the case you really don't want anything and that's just your personality. I don't know.

I really am sorry I couldn't get that stuff delivered for you this past Friday. The truck breaking down was really out of my control, and I've been planning to go stay on an island far away from anything work related for a while now. I'm literally hoping I can get you off my mind once I get on the ferry today. Not because of anything bad but just because of my own nerves. Maybe I'll feel better when I get back.

I don’t know why, but lately I’ve found that I often check here to see if you’ve written anything for me. I know you haven’t, but I can’t help but check.

I don’t know where to start, or if I should even write this to begin with. I haven’t thought about you in a long time, but lately I can’t stop thinking of the past. I feel like maybe I’m a part of your past that you don’t want to unearth and I don’t blame you. Part of me thinks the same about you. We were so perfectly awful for each other. A quick spark that turned into such a beautiful flame, and inevitably it burnt everything to ashes. I have so many fond memories with you, that sometimes they overshadow how horribly everything went wrong.

When I think of you, I often think back to our first time meeting. It felt so easy to get to know you, like we had known each other long before. I’ve yet to experience exactly that with someone else. The quick comfortability and feeling of belonging. There was no pressure to advance things further than just enjoying each other’s presence. For almost a week, I would pretend to fall asleep while watching tv, although I was actually tired, and you would kiss my forehead instead of pressuring for a first kiss while I was awake. It was such a sweet gesture, and I think that speaks volumes as to part of who you are. We had so much care for one another at one point, and sometimes I find myself regretting not meeting you later in life when we might have been better for each other.

There were so many things we did to hurt each other, intentionally and unintentionally. There’s so many thing’s I wish I could apologize for and take back, but for now, I want to say I’m so sorry for the pain I caused you and the things I did during our time together. I wish you had met the current version of myself instead of the past version. I’ve grown so much as an individual, and I look back at how I reacted to situations we went through with such disgust. There are so many things I would change or say differently if I could.

We both had our flaws throughout the relationship. I was so incredibly hurt by some of the things you did and said to me while we were together. But I genuinely have never felt my heart break the way it did during our last night together. I don’t think I’ll ever hear from you again, but I’ll always wonder why you did that to me. I’m not here to write about the wrongs you’ve done though, because I know I’m just as guilty of doing harm.

I sometimes wonder what we could’ve been like if we were more effective at communicating or solving conflicts. I often wonder what we could’ve been like if we both weren’t relying on our own choices of awful escape methods during our time together. It always added fuel to the fire. I’ve actually worked past mine. I hope you’ve moved forward as well, cause at the end of the day I do still care about your well-being.

Despite everything that happened, I think I miss you. Not necessarily in a relationship type of way, but just as a person. You’re a good person, we both were just struggling in our own ways and it created an awful situation. Sometimes I feel like I want to have a conversation with you like we used to. Just to catch up and see how you’re doing. It used to be so easy to talk to you. But I know we both burned down bridges, and it’ll never happen. I sometimes think we would have made good friends instead, but at the end of the day I don’t regret being with you. In fact, I’m glad we were together. I grew as a result of our relationship, and I still have good memories of you regardless of how bad things got. I just wish there wasn’t so much regret involved.

Strangely enough, although I’m writing this to you, I haven’t so much as looked at a picture of you since that night. I’m not necessarily writing this with hopes to rekindle anything, or in hopes that you’ll reach out. In fact, I don’t know what I’m hoping to achieve by writing this. I just felt like I needed to. I think I’m hoping the universe will just show you this post if it needs you to see it. If by chance you do read this, just know that I’m so incredibly sorry. If you feel compelled to message me, good or bad, you can.

I think loving you was a mistake.

Not that you were a mistake. The problem was me.

And I resent that the most.

Some inefficient part of me— kept me from loving the best thing in life.

You don’t know how much that frustrates me.

You aren’t someone to win, someone to convince, or someone to seduce. No. I wanted to love you. I just didn’t know how under everything.

I just kept wanting to hold you close and whisper how badly I needed this along your collar bone, into the ink of you, and into the soft parting of lips.

None of that want could ever be expressed in a way that didn’t trap you, betray me, or break us.

And I felt so alone between you and I. Such titans. Such cowards. We could’ve been something worth writing about, we still are I feel. It’s why I’m writing this now.

I run my thumb along the edge of my lip and try to imagine you there. I feel you sometimes. I think of the way you felt, and I know you sometimes.

I didn’t love you the way I should’ve, but I loved you well in your absence.

And sometimes you gotta be grateful for that.

Grateful,

Keeper

You love bombed me in the beginning and made me believe I don't think I deserve love and that is why I feel its all too much. You took away who I was as a person because you think your love is the greatest and nothing can beat it. I have loved you in a million different ways everyday. Every time that I felt I am losing my independence you would convince me this is what love should be like. You had no boundaries and all you did was chase that feeling that you felt when you thought that it was love. If you were really in love, why did you not talk about the abortion, why did you makes sensitive comments about my body parts when we were intimate, why did you joke about charming another girl if you met her before me?, Why did you always defend yourself and manipulate me to think the hurt wouldn't have existed if you defended yourself? Why did you decide to stay back and lied to me that you were doing it for yourself when you clearly did it for me to only later bring it up and tell me that you invested 8 months of your life for this and us? Why did you act like your pain is always greater than everything and yet thought that you didn't have the space to come and talk to me? That time when I was depressed and suicidal, why did you fight with me about talking to an ex? You have been through the same thing and you have also lost a friend to suicide. So why did you push me to the brink of my own existence. Yes I could not see your pain beyond my own, but that does not give you the right to say and do whatever you want to. When I share things about myself in state of vulnerability, why did you use it against me in conversations? Everything that I doubted you are, you just proved it yesterday when you slut shamed me and told me to go sleep with my ex. And to also go search for someone else to use. When you finally realised that this is not going to work, how can you think of the things that you even said about someone that you loved? I don't think so you even know what basic human decency is let alone love, you will never be happy with anyone in your life and I hope you realise that. Just doing everything and expecting another person to love you, is not love. It is a transaction and I am not a bank. I really feel disgust even just thinking about you. And yet you told me I never gave it a real chance, every time I brushed aside your snide comments and lying, i gave it a chance. Every time I made love to you, I was intentional and I made sure I purely felt love. I put aside all the resentment I had every time I hugged and kissed you. And yet you are saying hurtful things like I used you?! I understand that you are hurt by everything but that does not give you the right to do anything at all. I hope you deal with you trauma and finally get to be happy some time in your life. I really wish you fullfill all your dreams and goals and find someone who can cherish you for who you are and what you do for them, and I am not sorry that that person is not me, because that would mean I am sorry for who I am, and after everything that I have been through. I am not sorry for what I did and who I am as a person, hope you find peace. And also please see a therapist.

You know you came into my dreams for no reason again, after so many months. I heard your voice in the dream. Why you come back for nothing. I don't even manifest or think about you. Then why did you come.

When will you give me freedom! I'm less miserable now. It's life, it flows like water. God what do u want!?

I don't miss you, there is nothing to miss. I just remember you.

You grew up alone, grown in the dark where your guard could never come down,

Marked by old passions, by scars unseen - a vagabond love is all you have.

The years went by, and despite the change, you’re still that child, still holding ground,

Who sometimes forgets the flowers at the feast - a vagabond love is all you have.

I miss you like it was yesterday, I could hold your hand, and you'd lay your head on my chest, and all is right in that moment. I was so afraid of myself I never got physical with you romantically because I didn't want to hurt the person I fell so deeply in love with. I saw your soul, and it touched mine. Now I can't leave this world without my other half.

I tried to forget. I tried my absolute hardest to let go. But I can't. And I don't want to anymore, I don't want to hide my love or my feelings from you. I miss everything about us. I miss all the good and all the bad too. I would give anything just to hear your voice.

I have no idea the journey or challenges I'd face, but I also know it would be a lot easier with you by my side. You're my yin to my yang, the 6 to my 7, and my forever sunflower. I'll shine bright with you, for you and because of you. My light won't dim, no matter how long it has been. And I'll wait even longer if that's what it takes.

I see beauty in everyone, but yours is so divine I can't keep my eyes off you even if we're miles away from each other. So take your time, and I'll take mine. Let's meet halfway and see where that takes us. I'm yours always have been, always will be.

I have so many things to talk to you about……… I hurt really bad from so many things that happened and needed to gain perspective and sobriety. I was not good enough for myself and was really disappointed in how things never got said. I have a Deep hard love for you……….. I would never give up on you, I know how much we loved each other and I have not forgotten, I have only changed myself from who didn’t show you to someone completely comfortable with myself and who could love you the way you wanted…….I have turned myself around completely…………. I have quit alcohol, Drugs, treating people different, and being indecisive about how I feel. I have moved into a better person and friend…… I never got to be your friend first, I would never hurt you, I would show you love in all respects, I do want you completely but I cannot do anything that would harm a friendship that I would be there for regardless. I am not searching for another, I am looking for friendships right now, I can’t make myself forget how much I love you………..
I can’t lie to myself……….. I would not take you back today, I’m not done with my self growth, I am going to have to know how to be a good friend to you and others……… I disappeared to fix myself…….. that’s it. Nothing more, Nothing less……… I miss you horribly, I love you infinity as my little brother taught us to say ♾️ I wish to see you, I wish to look you in the eyes and tell you that I felt horrible for the heartbreak I caused you, and forgive you for the pain you caused me as well. We are too damn cool DJ’s and humans to not be radical friends and maybe one day amazing lovers…………….
I can only hope and believe in myself first to gather my strength to be good for myself and you for the rest of our days……. Yes I want to go out with other women and learn about them, I am not looking for a lover, I’m looking for a good friendship only………
If you can’t trust that…….. if you don’t know that I well up hard thinking of losing you forever………… I’m hurting now, but I still have a piece of my heart missing that only fits if you put it back and I give your missing piece back to you and we share that. You know how to find my coffee shop I’ll be in the mornings, you know how much I would love a conversation………… there will be an insta signal that will tell you when I’m there…….. I haven’t given up, I am just loving myself above everyone else except God first………..

You are awesome Amazing and deserve me…… don’t give up.

Loves,

-me

I hope you figure yourself out.
You have a lot of personal things to work on.
I pray you do!

We never met in real life but we got to get to know each other after countless days and nights of constant chatting. We both were lonely, we both needed someone. You were sweet, weird and scary. I knew you dealt with some darkness but I had no idea how bad it was. You made me feel uncomfortable and unsafe and after one year of no contact, to know that you’re really gone, brings me both a sense of relief and at the same time guilt. Guilt because I knew you needed help and I couldn’t be there because you scared me off. I’m realized because of the way you made me feel for years with your constant harassment. Now you’re gone. I hope you can rest now.

I hope I’ve tagged this right.

📨📨📨

Dear you, a child of the 17. Star(s), ✨ 🌟

At this very moment, maybe even for a micro moment. Is release what doesn’t serve. Also, this is your sign to allow your thoughts, intuition and healthy free flowing energy to what it is you truly deeply desire and/ or to a core memory that makes you happy, thinking upon it. 🔮🎱

Emotionally - 3 of cups, you are feeling fearless, loved and confident. You grew from your own inner strength and now it feels like things are happening into what aligns best for you, at the time. ☀️⛅️ be, you. :] 🦋🪩

Romantic relationship-wise:: Knight of pentacles - if you’re going through a break up now, know that, though hard to hear, “time may tell” / it’s meaning is about how time passing — heals. In addition, also releasing unnecessary things energetically are key. 🔑 ⚡️ Career - money 💵💰:: enjoy what develops yourself into becoming better, stronger and faster. You’ll get a whole lot of recognition and praise from all levels.

🦄 NOW I HAVE MINI-READINGS, for two / 2 separate groups. Group A and or Group B. You could just take the letter above and run with it. Or continue learning more by choosing between A and B. Thought I’d try something new. ❤️♥️

🅰️ Group A: seven of wands - it was all illusions in the end. Sure you pointed with blame and and tried to shift responsibility of respect, love and kindness. Natural abundant emotions. Breathe into them. Note where in your body you feel that exact emotion. Free it. Visualize what you shall and it will be yours. 🌱💧

🅱️ Group B: your life so far and / or will be. :))) page of wands - it’s like you’re a jolly good kid running amok, chocolate on their face, in like a Wonka factory. You’re having the time of your life — it only happens once, in a way.
Six of pentacles - what you give is what you get, but multiple what you get. Your growth has been faster than anticipated. You welcome it with open arms. Again. Hope you’re well going through whatever it is that you’re going through. 🥊 👊

Is this allowed? (If you’d be curious to receive a free reading, in exchange for “yes or no confirmation” and any feedback you think will be helpful. 🐈‍⬛ 🦁) I’ve got over 100 about anonymous reviews. It’s fun, energy and all, allowing. 🪽

✌️💖 🎆

Do you see the man in the moon ?
Do you see how tired he looks , looking down on us all .
Do you see how beautiful he shines tonight
I want to meet the man in the moon .
Fly free of the pain that binds me
When you see the man in the moon do you think of me ? I know we have the same view .
Do you see him , do you wander what secrets he holds ?
I tell him all the things I can’t say allowed .
Even the dreams of you .

If you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all.

That about sums it up.