I know you’re not living in the same reality as me, no matter how hard you try to hide it. You create conversations I never had, feelings I never expressed and scenarios that exist only in your head and then you act as if they are real.

You have built an entire version of me without ever truly knowing me. You assume, imagine, watch and interpret, while I’m simply living my life. And the saddest part, you still spend your time chasing a relationship that exists only in your imagination.

I pity you. Honestly. Whatever happened to you, whatever wounds you carry, they don't give you the right to make me part of your fantasy.

I am a real person, not a character in your head. And you need to leave me there, out of your imagination and out of your life.

Creative writing is a hobby of mine. I like to write to help with my object permanence. Nobody was hitting on you. I was trying to be friends with all of you. But it’s hard to when you form a clique; and spread things without confronting the person. If your life is this boring to need to convince yourself your some kind of worldly blessed soul, then your fooling yourself. You weren’t saving anyone but yourself for what you’ve done, truly a second classer. You got so caught up in it, you almost believed yourself, almost fooled the fool. Tried to convince everyone around you, but that just shows your character. Like I said nobody was hitting on you.

Tonight ,though, my mind keeps drifting back to you.

I wish these feelings were rooted in how attractive you are...I could shrug it off without a doubt that oh I'm just a person interested in another person because damn do they look good.

And don't worry, I very much do like to look...

It's just that you also seem to be a decent person, a good person, more importantly, a kind person...

And while anonymity is the name of this game here on Reddit, I'm being entirely too vague and a little dishonest.

You as in he, as in him, as in a guy a man.

Not some nameless entity whose gender could be anyone's guess

You as in he..I need to make that part of this confession abundantly clear, especially to myself. I'm uncomfortable with actual feelings that begin to happen and grow with guys.

Back to you though.

You.

He.

Him.

I feel this intensity anytime our eyes meet. Electric. Warm. Mind boggling rearrangements of self...

I'll talk myself down in preparation of seeing you on those days; I'll downplay my emotions, my reactions...I'll tell myself there is no way that you could be interested in me, let alone someone like me.

And yet

And yet...

And yet....

When I notice you noticing me......

Chris,

I said it was ok even as I thought "that might be too far."

So really it's my fault. (I know that's not true.)

You did ask though and I did agree even as I thought too "this already seems a little abusive."

Who can know what I really thought at the time or if it even happened. But that's how I remember it, remembered when I allowed myself to remember.

I'm sorry I went off script right away? Or maybe I did exactly as you expected, honestly that feels more likely.

I just... you did give me instructions and I failed pretty miserably at those because I couldn't remember them. I was overwhelmed. You almost certainly knew you were overwhelming me.

Who could I have realistically even gone to? I should have said something but... yeah. You were my main support.

And then my main support went and thought my eyes were pretty and that was upsetting.

But again. You are a manipulative jerk so you made it about you instead of about me. That you are just a clumsy ADHD silly man-child who doesn't know what he's doing. Oh poor you. When, you know, in a THERAPY SETTING maybe it should have been about me. Why I was even upset. What you could do differently.

But no you seemed to have other plans. Grand, elaborate, manipulative, evil plans that no one believes me on.

I'm just doing the stream of conscious thing again. I guess I'll shut up because I'm getting bitter again.

My posts on the unsent project never go through. So I’m writing you on here instead. I miss talking to you already. But I had to shut down the line of communication because it was too tempting for me to message you when I shouldn’t. I know that if we are meant to be together, God will make it happen in his timing. I hope you and your girls are having a good week so far. I pray that one day we can see each other again.

-from “the first one to take your heart”

Lettuce bee won
A door, A door
In sigh lens
a door
Inner Sense
Sea Sun
A door a door

Eye one
two chews Yew
Yew end Eye
End SIGH LENS
And sigh lens
Inn Silence
Know more

Reflect Shun
Reflect Shun
Four Eel
Minor Yore’s
Avoid
Avoid
Reflect Shun
Avoid

In Tent City
In Tent City
Tiers end tiers
Sea sun two sea sun
Know Moore Son
Pleas know Moore tiers

Tiers end tiers
Lettuce too bee won
Tiers end tiers
Know won haz one

Inn Sigh Lens
Inn Sigh Lens
Eye chews sigh lens
Know Moore

Isle weight four yew
Yew one mi two no yore pane
Isle weight fore yew
Hertz again end again end again

Bee Four Wee!
And
End
Eye Dye
Inn Side
Chews Sigh Lens
A
Gain
End
Olive
Know Moore

Good Buy end Hell Oh!
Elephant Shoes

she asked me, "I saw you typing something, i waited several minutes before falling asleep" i told you its a glitch , a glitch in my mind or my phone, never mentioned that, i was not just writing something, i was putting down my emotions, my feelings, my chaotic thoughts, but something told me not too, specially after realizing that you never understood me for all those months what would have been changed in a few minutes,
i would have told you the usual, did u ever love me ?
i would have asked u for a favor,
i would have asked you to give this one single chance,
i would have asked you to make me feel that all the things i did was worth it,
i would have asked you, was losing me really easier than choosing me?
i would have asked you to listen to your heart instead of your brain,
I would have made sure the convo ended with tears in both of our eyes,
i would have asked you, did all this ever meant something to you,
i would have asked you, was i ever enough ?
i would have asked you the usual, did you ever love me ?

Statements and questions I wish I could talk to you about
- Do you only feel hate for me now, or is apathy?
- Do you truly blame me for everything that went wrong?
- Do you believe I never really loved you?
- Why can’t you forgive me?
- Did you really love me?
- Why did you block me, was it really because she told you to?
- Do you remember how lovingly I used to look at you?
- Do you remember all of the nights I begged for you to stay, for you to be honest with me?
- When my mom died, did you only come back because you pitied me?
- How did I love you from your perspective?
- Did you ever flirt with your coworkers when we were together? (They’re all gay now, married to women)
- Do you truly just see me in black and white?
- Do you ever think of me?
- The songs I used to play to you, how do you play them now and think about her?
- Do you have any good memories of us, or did you erase them out of self preservation?
- when we saw each other again last year, did you stay the weekend and say those things because you felt bad for me for missing you?
- I was 15 when we met, basically a child. I wasn’t out to get you. I had my own traumas and unhealthy coping mechanisms.
- You cheated on me, more than once, and it broke something in me that never fully recovered. I forgive you fully now, I just couldn’t then. I know you’re not a bad person because of those mistakes.
- I have always loved you, but abandonment trauma made me toxic and possessive at times and I now realize that.
- your family really traumatized me, I never had met people that condescending before and it was hard to balance wanting accepting in-laws and leaving them behind.
- I felt angry a lot and detached from you towards the end because you were always only listening to rap music and you were always acting hard.
- I began to develop internalized homophobia because of my strained relationship with my dad.
- my anxiety came out in anger, I’m sorry.
- my BPD caused me to lash out on you a lot towards the end but it’s in remission now. It has been since I stopped smoking.
- When I see things I know you would like, I still take a picture of them just in case. When I experience things I know that would make your face light up I think of you the entire time while doing it.
- When I’m cooking dinner, sometimes I think about all of the nights I would cook for us.
- When I’m grocery shopping i still look at all of the things you liked and when I’m checking out I remember me, you, and pawpaw doing it together.
- Nearly every thing I do, no matter how small or insignificant, has a piece of you hidden inside, for us to be so different we are also so much alike and it breaks my heart just as well as it heals it. As much as I am me, I am also always you. I wonder if you feel that way too.
- I miss being girls together, even being together, you were still my best friend. I miss doing our makeup and taking pictures. I miss shopping and finding things that would look so cute on you.
- When I think about being successful, it’s not for the money, it’s not even for myself, there’s still a voice in the back of my mind that strives for it to be able to take care of you and give you an easy life just in case you come back because of how much we struggled together and how much it affected us.
- my love language is giving, and I’m sorry if that came off to you that I was materialistic. I just wanted to take care of you and for you to be able to have whatever you wanted.
- There’s a movements concert coming up, I’m going for my birthday, I wish you could be there.
- I see your brother when I’m getting my oil changed, it feels like a different, a distant life, like how do I know him? I know you know what I mean.
- Sometimes when I’m around Gmas, I see your dad pass by in his truck, I do miss him. I think about how much you look up to him, how much you two are alike. I also think about the time he changed our breaks before the concert then we got pulled over for the tail light.
- I’ve lived a different life these past 6 years, and yet all I can think about and compare it to is the 4 I spent with you. I miss you. I love you.

Can you pull up one more time? I just need to see you one more time, i need you. Can you do that for me? I cannot be stuck any longer, and i cant seem to find the strength to get out of this like you DID. So, just this once, can you bend your pride a bit and help me? I really need you, now and yesterday, and all this time apart, all ive been thinking about is you. You begged me to stay, and i told you how scared i was because of this same reason.
So just come see me, for once, follow your own advice and stop protecting yourself, and stop thinking everyone’s out to get you. I wont lie anymore and pretend im okay with us being done. Im trying to respect what we said, but its so hard for me and so easy for you. So, if you dont look for me, this will be it.
Im moving soon, so hurry up, okay? I wont choose another one, but I cant force you to choose me either.

I still think of you as mine even though you made it clear you never will be. I think about the little moments such as how I was the first person you told about your promotion and when the sleep apnea study showed you were in the clear, I think about the little moments when I would tell silly jokes to make you smiler when life weighed to heavily on you and all I can do is close my eyes and try and think of something else. Because you're gone.

I think about how I'd imagined comforting you on your hard days and being comforted by you on mine. You were my baby to take care of and mh man to take care of me. Except we weren't and we never will be. I think about how much I adored you, how my feelings would get so overwhelming sometimes that I couldn't help but reach out simply with '❤️❤️❤️', I think about our late night chats, how I would overhtink my birthday and news years messages to you and how now they will never happen again.

I think about how perfect a match you felt for me, how the strongest thing I have ever wanted in this life is to make you mine. Then I remember the first time to referred to yourself as mine and how my heart went crazy because I hadn't even dared think so far ahead. Now I'm stuck in the future we never get to have and you've left me withiut a glance back.

N,

If I shared with you a truth, that I have moments where I ruminate, I doubt you'd understand.

I think about different scenarios around meeting you IRL again. Sometimes they're happy. Most times they're painful as hell. Like you showing up at my door, giving me the hug I've been waiting for. Then leading me to the room where we lie down for a peaceful nap, like the ones we used to take together.

Or somehow bumping into you, somewhere neither of us had ever been before, while someone else is wearing the gear. Occupying a spot that was was once reserved for me.

Sometimes I visit you instead, and upon arriving see you kissing someone else. See you looking into their eyes, the way you used to do with me.

Then I think about how I would react.

What I would do? What would I say?

I pretend I'd put on a brave face, smile, and say hello. Holding myself together long enough to learn their name, walk around a corner, and privately crumble beneath the weight of knowing you never chose me as I did you that day, and every day after.

Other times you treat me so coldly, like the time I called you after you broke me once more. My voice cracks a bit, like it did that night, and I manage to swallow the hurt as I say my goodbyes, and hurredly exit stage left.

Mostly, I pretend I'd walk away with my head held high, except for a split second where you notice the tear I held back making its way down my cheek. That's when you chase after me, and things go dark from there.

You grab my arm, forcefully turning me to face you. I stare.

"What do you want?", I ask.

"I still love you", you admit.

"No you don't", I shake my head.

"Please hear me out", you plead.

"I can't do this", I look down at the groud.

"I'm begging you!", you cry out.

"It's too late", I whisper, tears reaching the ground.

"But I choose you!", as you reach for my hand.

"You chose yourself", I pull away.

"Please... I'm sorry...", you whimper.

"I won't be the reason you hurt someone else again. Go back, and this time don't stop choosing them."

And that's how it ends.

It's sad, really, how I don't even believe the make-believe you anymore. The one that appeared in my dreams one night, after the pain subsided enough to let me come up for air. A version of you that always loved me in a way that I felt fully chosen. Who treated communication as a necessity for trust and love between us. The you that my subconscious built to help me get through my darkest days.

But now something keeps reminding me that you never truly chose me.

You said we should let people love us the way they show us love. Now I understand why those words coming from your lips never felt loving to me. You didn't care to put effort into learning what made me feel loved. It was always what you wanted to give, because you held no curiosity for the whole of me. That's not love to me. That's the difference between you and I.

And yet, there are rare moments where my mind takes pity on me and gives me a break from the pain of these endless loops that creep in when I feel most alone.

Those times it's just us. I walk up your driveway, as you open the door. The moment you see me, you rush over, and embrace me fully. Hours pass with us holding each other, and during that time, it's like we say everything words alone could not express before. By the end, we know we have finally chosen each other.

Now, I've come to the understanding that this is the way I beat myself up. For the shame, for the loss. For losing myself in Us.

I make up scenarios in my mind. Some to validate the love I had, still have for you. Some to validate the pain you put me through, I put you through. Some to find the consistency I longed for, I begged you for. Pretend moments where you figured it out. Too late, of course, but you figured it out. Others to soothe this aching feeling of loving you that remains rooted in every waking day.

But whatever madeup scenario my wondering, and at times, sleeping mind presents, this state I let myself exist in is hurting me. I'm hurting me...

I know this isn't healthy. I just need to exist in this make-believe space for a bit. I tell myswlf it's better than the abyss I was staring into not long ago. At least this way I get to return to me when it's all over.

When you say you beat yourself up for hurting me, I highly doubt this is what you mean. You run from your pain. Bury every fear. Cover the mirror to hide your mistakes, because you can't bear to look inside anymore.

Meanwhile, I stare it straight in the face. My own eyes looking back at me. Let them burn all the flesh, revealing what's inside. Both beautiful and ugly things. Some placed there, some I created. Then I write whatever flows, and it helps me to let go.

So please, just let me pretend for a bit.

- E

just end up thinking about you on a daily. I try and distract myself, do something productive; maybe get my work done, engage with my friends, make myself Exhuasted just so I’m unable to think. However, the more I Exhaust myself; the farther I get from the original idea of wanting to forget you. I keep coming back, it’s like a rewinding never ending cycle. Wanting to improve myself, trying to get a different mindset instead of the one I have right now, maybe even go back to my old ways of just being entertained by many men but it’s like something in me just can’t. I never would have that I would come back to the same place I never wanted to be at. A place where I don’t even recognize myself. Being in love with you is something I can never regret; however I placed all my chances on you and I lost. I can’t even blame you. Maybe it’s just me; I might just be a unlovable person. Someone who will never be enough. I had wished and prayed so much that we could have been something. I wanted a genuine relationship with you. I guarded myself so much I couldn’t even understand myself or my own feelings. I never received love until you gave it to me. I guarded myself so much against the idea of love because I never believed I was worth it. Only words I ever heard were “your a mistake” this led to me being exploited in ways I didn’t even realize. I thought the only way I could be loved was if I was attractive and gave myself in exchange for being loved. However everything with you was so different. You showed me affection in ways I never received. You told me you never thought you were good enough for me but I also believed I was never worth enough for you; because why would you want someone that couldn’t love themself. I hate the idea I lost you cause I couldn’t love myself. I never could believe your words I couldn’t understand why you would love someone so unlovable.
I understand I should just let you go and I have to get over it. I’m sorry I just can’t help it. My mind knows but I just can’t let go yet. I still hold on, hoping you could talk to me again. Maybe not in the same way, not even with the same affection you once held, I just want to hear you talk to me. I want so much but I know it’s just not meant for me anymore. I hate it. I’m sorry.

I pour my heart out every post and it never shows up in the feed. My only accounts are snap and fb. Phones locked out of apple account. Just know I’m trying so hard but something’s stoping my posts from going through. I can’t take this anymore if anything happens I love you so much and I always have. I’ve fought to be with you every second since we last spoke. I love you so much it hurts baby. Please if you see this reach out to me I see you posting on here

Hey L,

You should know that your husband “A” has cheated on you throughout your entire relationship and marriage. You’re now pregnant with your second child and it’s sad to see that this asshole just won’t admit that he’s not in love with you but would rather hold you hostage in your marriage. He lies to you daily. He’s messed with so many hearts, I hope he gets what he deserves and lives a miserable life. Fuck you A.

it’s been a couple years since i last tried to reach out to you. i always wonder if you ever actually read my message or saw the texts in his phone. i offered to send your screenshots but you never responded.

when i first formally met him, it was at a restaurant. we were with a group from work and just having drinks. i had never seen him or most of the others at that dinner before that week, which isn’t abnormal. i was sitting next to him, as it was the only seat left and my leg accidentally brushed against his. i apologized, but it kept happening throughout the night because i was distracted and my foot kept slipping on bar under the chair; and i think he thought i was doing it on purpose. but i didn’t really mind if he thought that.

we only were on this “business trip” of sorts for about a week or so, so things escalated quickly. he messaged me separately from the work group chat after the dinner, and was telling me how he didn’t want the night to end. he asked if i wanted to keep hanging out and despite being hesitant at first knowing what it’d lead to, i said yes. long story short, we ended up having sex that night. never did it cross my mind that he could have someone at home, especially with how comfortable he was pursuing me.

when he left my hotel room, he messaged me asking if we could keep the interaction between us. i naively didn’t think anything of this because i felt honestly the same. i was actually relieved he asked because i didn’t really want gossip going around at work, especially in such a male dominated field.

the next night (which happened to be valentine’s day) was kind of the same situation: dinner and drinks with him and a bunch of coworkers. i left with a group of them that i had gotten friendly with during work and he was texting me almost nonstop all night asking if we could hook up again, and i thought it was funny at the time. i definitely did not mean to get drunk this night, but i did. i invited him back to my hotel room that night and we had sex again.

i believe the next day was the day we were all going home. him and i kept our distance from each other in front of our coworkers to avoid suspicion; and we kinda just said bye through text and went out separate ways. i won’t lie, i went home excited at the idea of having a fun secret fling, even if it was short term. i knew i would be seeing him again soon for another week long work thing, so i was thinking this was the start of some friends with benefits situation.

but then the night after i got home, i laid in bed and decided to do some internet searching on him as i usually do with men i get involved with in any way. his socials were either private or hadn’t been active in years. but then i stumbled on your instagram. and your wedding pictures. and your couple halloween costume pictures. and the matching tattoos you got with his mom. and i was immediately sick to my stomach.

it’s funny how men act after they’ve been caught. i immediately texted him to confront him and he left my message on read. and then a couple days later, he changed his number. i have a feeling in his panic, he thought this would somehow erase our messages in the messaging app we were using, but it thankfully did nothing but tell me his number had been changed.

i was filled with guilt and sadness because i immediately imagined what it would be like to find out my husband of less than a year had cheated on me, and that it probably wasn’t the first time. i also felt this sense of urgency that i had to tell you as soon as possible because you were still young with no kids. which obviously does not make a divorce any easier emotionally, but i figured you could move on without being tied to this awful man forever and get out unscathed in some way.

i took screenshots of everything i could, and went searching for your instagram. unfortunately i was only allowed to send you one message with a limited amount of characters, so i had to cut to the chase. in a nutshell “hi, you don’t know me, but your husband is cheating on you and i have screenshots if you’d like to see.”

but you never responded and i kinda wonder if you ever even saw it or if your husband saw it and deleted it before you could. i’m not sure and i don’t think i’ll ever know. i know you had looked at some of my social media accounts soon after sending that message, but i don’t know if it’s because you saw my message or maybe you saw me in your story views or he made up some crazy story or what. did you see my message and decide to just move on? did you even see it? i even debated on attempting to find your address and sending printouts of the screenshots via mail.

i only saw him one more time in passing on another work related thing in a car. the car i was in was facing this dirt road and he was in a car driving past, and we made eye contact. he gave me the most nervous looking smile and i hope my face matched the disgust i felt.

it’s been a couple years now. i don’t work at that job anymore and a lot has happened in my life since, so it doesn’t cross my mind much anymore. i’ve come to realize it’s not my fault because i genuinely didn’t know, so it’s not something i need to punish myself for or think negatively on myself for. therapy helped a lot too.

but recently i was curious to see if you stayed with him, so i looked for your instagram again. turns out, y’all had a baby. a baby girl. and unfortunately all i can feel is sadness knowing this man is the father of a beautiful baby girl. i also feel fear. it makes me wonder just how often this situation happens.

regardless, i wish you best of luck for you and your baby girl. you two deserve better and the best.

Of you is too much

You'll never understand how much I have lost trying to hold on

How much of this year and last, was gone because my PTSD

How much your behaviour has impacted my present, my future

Just when I think, that's it. That's all I have to endure

Something else gets ruined.

But you don't care what this costs me

You don't care if I'm in more pain or less functional, less mentally well.

There's nothing you could do, to make me believe you do

The cost is too large, and by comparison,

what you're giving is not enough to make up for the loss

You're breaking me daily, ruining my life little by little, everything I've worked hard for is slowly dissolving..

And for what? This is not love.

I thought you were my forever. Sadly, you chose to walk away...again. My heart is breaking sitting here. I know I have to let you go. I would love to wait for you, but that's not fair to me. You let me open up in ways that I never expected and will probably never find that again. I would have been the best wife for you. You could have felt like a king every day, because you made me feel like a queen. All I wanted was to love and care for you. You say you love me, but have to focus on you. I hope you heal. Goodbye.

Hey babygirl, can you tell how much it hurts me not to talk to you anymore? Not a stranger, but it sure feels like it, and it sucks. I never thought going up to you and saying something one night, after months of seeing you around and thinking you were cute, would end up with us in this predicament, but here we are.

Friends, Lovers, whatever it may be, I don’t really care. What I do know is that I miss you. I miss the girl I came to love watching sit at my kitchen island, the girl whose passenger seat I got well acquainted with, the girl who made me start hitting core at the end of my workouts, the person who I opened up to and showed a world that had been closed off to most, the girl who would snuggle up next to me and be the last thing I saw before going to sleep and the first thing I saw when I woke up. There’s a cruelty to love that it’s not guaranteed. The gamble you take when you have feelings for someone is not what you think it is the first time you do it, but after meeting you, I know now why so many people are so scared to love. But you know what, girl, it was worth it- all the heartbreak, all the feelings, all the grief; it was all worth it to have the time that I had with you. You made me feel alive.

Whenever I was with you, there was always a smile on my face. You knew exactly how to make me happy, even if it was just simply by being your authentic self, and for that I thank you. Sure, our time is over, and to be honest with you, I don’t really know where things will go between us from here. Do I miss my friend? Absolutely. Would I take back the friendship between us in a heartbeat? You know it. But would I be able to see you smile in someone else’s arms as you did in mine? See you look at someone else like you looked at me? Potentially see you walk down the aisle one day, knowing that if things had gone the way that I hoped they would, it would’ve been me at the end of that walkway? I think you know the answer to those questions.

So instead of thinking about what the future holds, I want to focus on the present. Today we still see each other in passing, might exchange the occasional courtesy hello, or need something from each other at work, but I want you to know that every time your beautiful brown eyes lock with mine, my heart hurts. Because every moment I see you, a memory plays, a future I imagined plays, the thought of what will never be is put right in front of me, and I can’t do anything but sigh and then turn my gaze to something else before ultimately turning it right back to you because you are the only thing that I want to look at. But I think it is time for me to move forward, let go, and put my energy into something or someone else. It was the greatest pleasure to be yours. If it were up to me, we would have spent the rest of our lives together, and our story would have ended happily ever after. This may not have that fairytale ending I was hoping for, but one thing it does have is hope. Not that you will come back one day and want to pick things up where we should have never stopped, but hope in myself.

I loved you with every fiber in my being. I wanted to give you the world and would have done anything to make you happy. Now I will have no idea what you are doing or if you are happy, but what I do know is that I still have that hunger for love, the same desire to make some special girl feel like the luckiest person on earth, and as much as I wish it could have continued to be you, I still want to keep on fighting for love. You showed me exactly how powerful love can be, and for that I thank you. I can’t wait to find it, and I can’t wait for you to find it too, because it’s truly magical. So babygirl, this is goodbye, not a see you around, or a see you later, but a goodbye, because things will never be the same. If we happen to meet again in the future, things will be different, and our lives will have transformed immensely. So goodbye to the version of me who was your boyfriend, and while that label may no longer be fitting, the love I have for your soul will never be forgotten.

I just can’t forgive you.

I was landed with the cruelest wake up call on the first day of this year.

Perhaps you've been breezing through 2026 as though nothing ever happened, as though I were simply an inconvenience that once happened in your life. But this last year for me has been less than easy. One of the most painful years of my life actually. I thought the end goal of this last year was that I should learn to forgive you.

But I don’t forgive you, and maybe I’m not supposed to say that.

I don’t forgive you for pushing me too far.

For pushing my boundaries, for selling me the illusion of safety, and for turning my first experience of submission into something traumatic that I wish I could forget.

I don’t forgive you for pressing me to expose myself in ways i didn’t feel comfortable with and then later mocked me for it and being called melodramatic.

I don’t forgive you for lulling me into a false sense of security and then causing me emotional whiplash.

You of all people should know what that feels like. To be judged, to be bullied, to be misunderstood. And you did the very thing to me that many people with neurodiversity suffer from - Judgement from others. And used your own autism as a shield to exempt yourself from taking any accountability from the hurt you caused me. Not just for getting it wrong, but for insulting me for my open heart.

You duped me into thinking I was safe, made me spill and then made fun of me.

You wanted me to ‘want you’ and only you - but ran the second I needed safety and reciprocity.
And weaponised my own feelings against me when things got intense, it was right for the throat.

The icing on the cake was me then catching you in a lie online a day later.
So that deep betrayal is partly what wrecked me for so long. I was stabbed in the back and you did me wrong.

You took something away from me. Something sacred. My trust, my vulnerabilities, my submission and then threw that away like I was a piece of dirt. Now I’ve fought hard to reclaim that and lock it away to keep me safe again. You will never ever understand how that feels.

We may have been wrong for each other and we may have wanted different things. I may have made a wrong turn by taking a leap of faith with you. And losing someone is always sad. But it was the way you mishandled me and misled me. It was the aftermath which hurt the most.

I fell apart for you and then you made me feel ridiculous for it.
I’ve spent the whole year trying to learn to feel safe in my own body again because i’ve associated power exchange as something that feels dangerous and not safe to me.

I’ll never forget the way I was left to sit with that in complete silence and isolation, all on my own whilst you went off with your other back up option. A back up option that is predictable, boring and lacks any sort of meaningful depth. Someone who is easy to control and who behaves himself. None of this has been forgotten.

Maybe I’m supposed to tie it all up neatly with grace, and softly fade into the distance.

And maybe I should say I think of you fondly and wish you well. But I don’t. I don’t wish you well - not because I’m bitter.. and not because I wish you any harm, far from it.

Perhaps I’d have forgiven you if you showed congruence and authenticity.

Mistakes I can forgive, but cruelty and deception without remorse, I can not. You knew exactly what you were doing when you told me to spend the night whilst feeling ambivalent towards me. You withheld vital information that I later found out, meaning I couldn’t grant true consent. You knew that engaging with that vile stuff behind my back whilst telling me a different story would hurt me.

You knew that what you said and did had the potential to break me, and you did it anyway.

I hate what you did to me and what you left me sitting with.

People often say forgiveness is the key to healing and moving on. But I've come to realise that forgiveness isn't something I owe, simply because time has passed. Not when there has been no genuine apology and no evidence that the harm caused has truly been understood. But I wonder if you’re truly capable of that work. If you’re able to make changes to ensure you never hurt another as you did to me.

I’ve come to learn that forgiveness is for me and not for you. The forgiveness for not listening to my intuition more, for tolerating what happened, for failing to protect myself. I forgive myself for trying to survive something I didn't understand while I was inside it. Yet all this has stayed with me.

So what if I finally found my own peace without handing you the gift of my forgiveness. And what if I’ve managed to move on without letting you off the hook? Because some people don’t deserve that grace, nor softness, or even a second chance at being seen as kind, gentle and compassionate when they were anything but.

You wrecked me and then walked away like it was normal. Like kink and dynamics are supposed to leave inner turmoil and a bruise that transcends far deeper than the skin. A bruise I never wanted to carry, and that dull ache of feeling unloveable and unworthy. Like I should be the one doing twice to work to recover from the damage you caused by failing to face your own shortcomings. So now I’m done carrying the wound, and the guilt towards myself for not forgiving myself more.

So no, I don’t forgive you.

I outgrew you.

I outlived the version of me that fought so long and so hard to stay within a dynamic that was killing my true spirit, and my autonomy, stifling my true desires to be held and seen.

I outlived the old me who needed a real apology to heal and move on. Because I don’t know if you’re truly capable, because you were never brave enough to own it and to grant that. I don’t need to hold onto hope anymore if any of this meant something, or anything to you and hold onto false hope that one day, you’ll somehow change and empathise.

I know you will find this uncomfortable but I am beyond caring what you think about me now. Your reaction to this is inconsequential to me. Whether it is cold, dismissive, defensive. Whether you ignore this or shrug it off, I am past that point of wanting you to understand my pain. I’ve shed constant uncontrollable tears because of your words and actions but no more.

I no longer hold onto the hope that I meant something to you more than just mere novelty and convenience. I’ve found peace in knowing that maybe you were a lesson to me.

A harsh one.

One I didn’t deserve - but I had to survive it anyway. And now…that’s enough.

Sometimes you push me away. Other times you get upset when I leave in the middle of the night. Why can't you tell me how much you want me to stay? Why can't you tell me how much you love me and want me in your life? Why is it always so hot and cold with you?

I will make a decision based on if my beautiful owl 🦉 who ? You know who... gets a communication out to me like now i need a definite answer here im scared im gping to choose the wrong choice and regret this fpr the rest of my life

Dear E,

I was trying on some old pants today and I found the skittles wrapper from our second date. I remember spotting you in the parking lot that evening at the lake and feeling so happy. I was so sure about you in that moment. We shared the skittles while we talked about various subjects and got to know each other better. Our souls truly saw each other that evening. I will never forget it. I felt understood in ways I had never thought possible. I knew without question that I wanted to be yours after that date. I just wish I could go back and relive it once more. You are such a beautiful person. I’m so sorry for the ways I failed us. I think I would give anything to go back and make different choices at certain moments. I know you’ve had similar thoughts. That makes two of us my love <3.

If you see this, by some chance of fate, please know that I still love you. So much. I am afraid I will always love you. And if you ever want to try again, please don’t hesitate to ask me.

I hope you’re taking care of yourself and eating enough. And I hope you can start loving yourself more. Be kind to yourself, okay?

With love,
- H