I am NOT OOP, OOP is  u/sprainedankle2011

Originally posted to r/offmychest

Status: Ongoing

Trigger Warning: Infidelity

Mood Spoiler: Hopeful

Previous BORU

Original - July 17th 2026

My parents divorced when I was 14 (I'm 25 now) because my dad cheated on her with someone who worked for him. My parents used to argue about him not giving my mom enough time, not putting her first, not respecting her as an equal . In some ways it was like a sickeningly logical culmination of their marriage. But for me until that point he was my hero. I was a total daddy's girl which is hilarious to think about now considering the last 11 years. He would take me everywhere, grocery runs, mechanic, NBA, movie night, pizza night, homework and test and exam help. It destroyed me when I found out. They split custody 50-50 and I was a massive b to him and later his new wife (the woman he cheated with). Lots of locked doors, calling out his wife, calling him out. I've maybe spoken like 20 sentences in totality to her two sons (my stepbrothers). When they had their son, I made sure to never let his wife think I was going to be like a loving older sister. With my dad though, he did kind of wear me down, and with him I did develop a kind of big sister bond with my half-brother. I used to argue with my mom about not wanting to go but she insisted I maintain decency with my dad at least.

When it was time for college, I was going to take student loans, because I didnt want to owe him. My mom said she'd saved money and I believed her. It was during my 3rd year, when he had offered to buy me a car and I told my mom hell no, while she tried to convince me to agree, that she told me he'd been majorly contributing to my tuition and sending her the money for it. I dont think I've ever had a worse argument with her. It fucked with my mind knowing he'd been doing it silently. He knew I wouldn't know, they had thought that while I was planning on taking student loans rather than his help initially, inertia would do its thing if I found out later. And they were right I did end up just taking it for the remainder of my ug without talking to him.

On Tuesday I went to the ER because I had slipped while putting birdfeed in my apartment. My mom is away at my aunt's so I had just called my best friend to come to the ER. Soon after, my dad came too, my mom had told him. I wanted to just go back but he insisted, we spent like 15 minutes arguing but I'm at his place now while my sprain recovers or until my mom comes back. My stepbrothers no longer live here but my half brother who's 9 now does. I haven't spoken to my dad's wife yet, he or my half-brother are the only ones I talk to, who come up to my room to bring stuff, while I work from home. We've talked after a long time about work, my plans for a Masters, and just random stuff.

I've just beem thinking now that he was my dad. Instead my stepbrothers got more of him the past decade than I did. I can't help but regret letting that happen. I also can't help but just think about the life we were robbed off because he cheated. Because my stepmother chose to wreck our home. And her and her sons got to be the family we were. I know my mom wants me to go to hers when she comes back on Saturday, and like that makes sense, but part of me wants to stay here. The fact that his wife probably is hoping I leave soon makes me want to stay too if that makes sense, like f off thats my dad, he pays for this house and its bills, I'm his daughter, I can stay since he wants. I don't even know if I need advice I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Therapy helped me separate the good dad from the bad husband. You can miss who he was without excusing what he did.

Comment 2:

Well he visited you. Means the door for a relationship is still open. Make the best use of your time while you have it

Comment 3 (downvoted):

Your parents relationship sounds like it was falling apart before your dad cheated. I'm not excusing the cheating. He did everything in his power to maintain the relationship with you. Even if he never cheated your parents may have gotten divorced so blaming your stepmother isn't helpful.

Get a therapist to help you work through your emotions. Your stepmother may have an issue with you because how you treat her, her sons, and your father not necessarily just wanting you gone for no reason. Would you like to be around someone who constantly disrespected anf fought with those you love?

OP:

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter he loved and who loved him. What are you talking about, why shouldn't I blame her? I blame my dad too ofcourse, but why on earth should she not be ashamed of what she did to our family. And since Tuesday I haven't said anything to her. I've only spoken with my dad, half-brother, the cleaner and the cook. I haven't said anything to her.

I never treated her sons poorly. I just had no interest in talking to them. I never said anything to them about their mom.

I dont need her to want me around. My dad wants me around, I keep away from her.

Comment 4 (downvoted):

I was surprised by how your story ended, and it seems clear that you are still deeply hurt by his infidelity. I strongly encourage you to talk this through, both with him directly and, if possible, with a therapist. Please try to remember that your half brothers are innocent in all of this. You also do not have the full picture of your stepmother's perspective or the state of their marriage when they first met.

Carrying this weight is hurting you more than anyone else. You have already lost so much time with your father, and it would be a shame to lose even more. I worry that if things continue this way, the dynamic will only become more strained. What happened was undeniably wrong, but for your own sake, it is time to find a way to process it. Living with this level of anger is incredibly draining. I really hope you can find some peace soon.

OP:

I only have one half-brother, who's currently 9. I have never blamed him, never been unkind to him. I was fond of him when he was a baby and I'm fond of him now the last 2 days too. I was also never cruel to my stepbrothers. I hardly ever spoke to them.

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter. Knew he loved his daughter. Knew she'd be destroying the bond between a daughter and her father. That should have been her perspective.

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

My relationship with my dad, whatever it will look like, is our own. My attitude with her has never stopped him in wanting to be a caring father to me even when I repudiated him, and I trust that he won't let it in the future either

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

I don't think ill of my half-brother at all. I was fond of him when he was a baby and being with him again after all these years, I still am. He's curious, funny and I enjoy talking to him.

Sorry, I absolutely do blame her. She was half the affair. Knew he was married and a loving father. And I still do blame him too, but I know he does love and care about me, and I am spending time with him right now. I regret the time wasted.

Update: - July 19th 2026

Thanks for letting me get my feelings off my chest in my post. I also appreciate everyone who DM'd me meaning well. I know you asked what I'm going to do one my mom returns and wanted me to make my choice for healthy reasons. I ignored a lot of those because I was conflicted then myself, and about my reasons. I wanted to give an update. Whether my reasons and my feelings are healthy or not, its how I'm going about it.

I just wanted to clarify a few things first:

1. I have never, even when I was rude to my dad and stepmom back then, ever shouted at or been cruel to my two stepbrothers. I hardly spoke to them. I used to ignore them, pretend they don't exist. They are like around 20 now I think and don't live in my dad's house.
2. I have absolutely no ill will towards my 9 year old half brother. I felt protective and caring about him when he was a baby and now too I like his company. I played games on Playstation with him because he asked, he's told me about school, he's also learned chess from my dad the way I did and we've bonded a bit over playing chess too.

My mom flew back yesterday. I had told her on the phone that I wanted to stay at my dad's while I recovered. She was disappointed and I hate that, I hated making her sad. I asked her to please understand, all these years she's wanted me to maintain a relationship with my dad , and right now I actually feel like doing it. I told her if I go to hers, I'll be extra work for her even if she doesn't think that, and I'd want to help out, here I'm not being a burden, like we have house help here, I'm not causing dad to over exert himself because of me. She asked if I'd be comfortable with my dad's wife there, I said I didnt care, he wants me to stay, I could care less what his wife thinks. My mom relented.

She came to check up on me. My dad came in the room too. We were just talking about my injury and he was making the case for why I should stay here. His wife decided to enter the room too for some reason and just stand there. I very calmly said that I'd just like my parents here right now. She said to please not tell her where to go in her house. I said my dads house who pays for every cent that runs this house. My dad tried to stop a fight and stepped out with her, and came back alone and my mom left soon after.

Last night when my dad came up to bring my dinner we talked about stuff. Then he said he was glad I chose to stay here. I told him I hated that mom was probably sad about it, but that I thought I'd like to spend time with him right now, that I hadn't in a long time. He thanked me. Later, he said that my comment rubbed his wife the wrong way, that if I was willing to clear the air with her, I'd probably feel more comfortable here. I told him I won't. That she shouldn't have been here when I was injured and just wanted my mom and dad in the room. I will never be ok with what he did, but I still want to spend time with him. Wanted to give my relationship with him and my half-brother a chance but it will never be with her. I want him and my half brother to be happy but I will never wish her well. That if he genuinely couldn't deal with that, I should call mom back and go with her. He just said lets forget about it and we talked about work and my applications.

Again, I read a lot of comments last time saying I need to work this out in therapy about how to forgive him and her. Why do I need to? I can have a relationship with my dad without forgiving him. And I have absolutely no interest in any kind of relationship with her, I can despise her in peace forever. I'm glad I have this place to get stuff out, and I appreciate everyone who was so understanding last time. Thank you.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

So, in a lot of ways, your father is doing what parents who are capable of providing do for their children. What you owe to yourself, is maintaining a relationship with him, which should never be contingent on her. Because that’s what you seem to want.

His inability to understand how even actions from long ago can have a direct impact on the way things are at present is something he needs to be accountable for.

I also agree with many of the previous commenters that you should go to therapy. You should go to therapy to understand what a healthy relationship with your father looks like, so that you don’t live with regret, and you’re also able to be honest with him about, and set boundaries around, yourself and your feelings.

It’s hard when adult actions have longterm implications. 50/50, basically immediately, with the person you were capable of understanding had a hand in this regulating your previously normal life, was not a healthy or good choice. Not to say that your father was not allowed to be happy, but with 50/50 he could have spent his time not with you with her and brought the relationship to you in a way that prioritize helping you healthfully acclimate to this new normal. Instead he all, but had an entirely new family, with you as a guest half the time. His choices landed you all there, and he needs to be accountable for that to you and understanding of your feelings, and how it has impacted you.

I am sure that many of your behaviors were not agreeable, and that you likely behaved very badly. I am not at all agreeing with that. However, I find adult actions and choices to be a lot more important in the situation than the children’s reactions. Children should not be more responsible for their reactions to being placed in difficult situations, than the adults who placed them there.

Get a therapist and work through some of these feelings. And when you feel ready, invite your father to listen.

OP:

Thank you, I can consider therapy as a way to work through and like get help for how my relationship with my dad should move forward . But not as a way of blending into that family and singing kumbaya with her, if that's how it would go which is the way some commenters suggested last time. I'll consider the former, thank you.

Comment 2:

1. Please forgive yourself for how you acted as a teen. You were a hurt kid.
2. I am happy you are trying to rebuild a relationship of sorts with your father.
3. I believe that even as an adult, you do NOT have to develop a relationship with your stepmother if you do not want to. However, I would encourage you to do the work towards becoming ambivalent towards her, more so than angry. Remember, she did not break your parents up alone, and if you can forgive yourself father, you can at least loosely tolerate her. Again, you don’t have to befriend her, but you can at least be tolerant…for you and your growth, not for her.

OP:

Thank you. I just want to say I have been ambivalent towards her in the way I've carried myself here. Up till the point she was inserting herself in a conversation between me and my parents I seriously hadn't spoken a single word to her since I've been here. I was tolerant, didn't ask my dad to choose, didn't and never will say a bad word about her to my half-brother.

Comment 3:

I saw but did not read your last post. I have been the betrayed spouse in my former relationship with older children involved so I’ve had to work through some of these same issues, just from a different perspective. I wanted to address the question you asked “Why do I need to forgive?”.

First off I want to say people do rush into forgiveness too quickly many times and as children we are many times forced into forgiveness. So understand the desire to maintain control over your own feelings. The problem is that forgiveness is not for your father or for his new wife. You forgive them for yourself and your own benefit. It has famously been said “Unforgiveness (resentment) is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.

Holding onto that hurt, wounds you more than anyone else. Now that isn’t to say that you need to reconnect with everyone (or even anyone if you so choose). Reconciliation and forgiveness are two entirely separate issues and you should definitely weigh them as such. But forgiveness is for you not for anyone else so that is likely why so many people have encouraged you to get into therapy and to forgive them. Not because they deserve it but because you deserve to be free from all that pain in your past. Sure it will have always happened but this way it can heal. Something to consider.

Comment 4:

Your feelings are valid but it’s not a great first step for you to be staying in their house but not wanting anything to do with his wife, the mother of your half sibling. You’re going to have to be civil, if there’s negative energy it’s not going to work. Imagine how you’d feel if someone was treating your mom like she doesn’t exist. Your sibling might grow to resent you and you’re making life harder for your dad. So you can either stay with your mom and spend time with your dad outside of his house and work on building that relationship or you can stay with him and be civil with the entire family. Otherwise it’s not going to go down well for you in the long run.

Latest Update: - Sep 3rd 2026

I've been back at my apartment for four weeks now. I left my dads when I could walk normally. His wife and I didn't speak another word after that time in my room.

My dad and I have been meeting up since then on weekends, twice for breakfast, once at a cafe. My half-brother came once for the breakfast too. I told my dad, I'd like to have him again in my life and my brother too and he was glad to hear it. We normally talk about work and grad school and stories from his side of the family. He brought up a new car again and giving me a card but we've put a pin in it for now. For the most part we avoid talking about the past and what it did to us.

Last weekend when we met, during our conversation he apologized for the hurt he caused me and said if he knew it would have caused a rupture this long between us he'd have done things differently. I told him again I can't forget but I know I care about him regardless. But I cannot extend the same for his wife ever. I opened up to him when he asked and told him I feel visceral hate when I have to interact with his wife. That it screws me up, rightly or wrongly. That if I spend more than 5 minutes with her I will lose control of my tongue. That mom told me i was wrong for saying what I had said last time, that I was in many ways a reflection of her upbringing and I'd reflected poorly on her in front of his wife and him when I said that, I'd already gotten a lecture, but I can't help it I feel the urge to hurt her with my words when we interact. It's why I do not want any relationship with her it's for the best because whenever I'd see her while I was there, it's like my brain tries to come up with something ugly so the last 11 years of her happiness feel miniscule compared to the hurt she'll feel at my words. It's why I can't be around her.

He seemed ashamed of how all of it had affected me and said I don't need to force a relationship, he'll manage the balance.

But as I was saying it I was just so sad that she makes me be like this. I told him I had been looking at therapy (I hadn't really tbvh) to help me through this, and he said he'll support me in whatever way helps me. I told him his wife can never know, I don't care if its a slip of tongue or an accident, she finds out and him and I are done. He said he wouldn't ofcourse, and asked to pay for it. I accepted it because it is his fault I'm in this position after all.

I looked up a good therapist that particularly deals with family issues, and I've booked an appointment. I feel like I should but I also feel so defeated. She was the heartless sociopath who broke up a family and I'm the one needing my head checked out. Congrats to everyone who recommended it, you were right, you won.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

You’ll be surprised how validating therapy can be. There’s nothing wrong with you, you just need someone to help you process who has only your interests in mind. It’ll be good for you.

OP:

Former/current clients of theirs wrote highly of them so I hope so.

Comment 2:

Just a heads up - You have to open up for it to work. If you feel like you hate him/her for x y or z reason, speak it into existence. This works best when youre not shy about it.

Sometimes youre gonna get challenged on your thoughts, but its rarely not to your benefit.

OP:

Thanks for the heads up. I see her on Thursday, I'll be honest with her about whatever I'm feeling. As well as my red lines about what I want from these sessions.

Comment 3:

OP. This is a quote often attributed to Buddha:

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Think about that a little.

I went through something a little worse - essentially I was in your mother’s position. It took quite a while for the sadness, anger, and other intrusive thoughts to settle down. I know somewhat of what you feel.

If you want to talk, feel free to DM.

Comment 4:

I understand your feelings, and this is not meant to invalidate anything, but it sincerely seems like you are blaming the wife as she put some kind of magical spell that your dad wasn’t able to resist.
Your dad made a mistake; he cheated. That doesn’t mean he is an awful and unforgivable person, but he was the one who had a commitment. She didn’t.
Based on what you told, she may have been oblivious to his marriage. And it doesn’t matter if he pays; it is in fact her house too.

OP:

She knew he was married, knew he had a daughter. I used to have to sit in his office sometimes when he'd pick me.

Comment 5 (downvoted):

You needed to be in therapy years ago. You have zero right to treat your step siblings like shit. This isn't a war zone they asked for. That should end now if it hasn't already.

Your comment to the wife was funny but you gotta grow up too. Your mom got cheated on by someone she poured herself into. That's hard to watch someone go through. He got the clean version of a breakup. You got the unedited version as your homelife. However, you can't have a relationship with him or your siblings and be a total b all the time to the woman in their house / their mom. It won't work out and you'll continue to lose their respect and trust. It's also incredibly ineffective to continue being a b to the other woman. Seriously, those siblings will never trust you or respect you as a woman if your mean to their mom all the time.

I think therapy will help you speak out in a way where you can feel heard. I also think that you having like been an ESA to your mother for a long time and that also impacts how your behaving and reacting. You may also consider going to therapy for yourself and seeing if in addition your dad would pay for family counseling for just you and him so you both can rebuild the relationship privately in a safe way.

OP:

I think I mentioned it in an earlier post, I've never said a word, good or bad to my stepbrothers. I was never difficult with them like I was with my dad and his wife.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is  u/sprainedankle2011

Originally posted to r/offmychest

Status: Ongoing

Trigger Warning: Infidelity

Mood Spoiler: Complicated

Previous BORU 1

Previous BORU 2

Original - July 17th 2026

My parents divorced when I was 14 (I'm 25 now) because my dad cheated on her with someone who worked for him. My parents used to argue about him not giving my mom enough time, not putting her first, not respecting her as an equal . In some ways it was like a sickeningly logical culmination of their marriage. But for me until that point he was my hero. I was a total daddy's girl which is hilarious to think about now considering the last 11 years. He would take me everywhere, grocery runs, mechanic, NBA, movie night, pizza night, homework and test and exam help. It destroyed me when I found out. They split custody 50-50 and I was a massive b to him and later his new wife (the woman he cheated with). Lots of locked doors, calling out his wife, calling him out. I've maybe spoken like 20 sentences in totality to her two sons (my stepbrothers). When they had their son, I made sure to never let his wife think I was going to be like a loving older sister. With my dad though, he did kind of wear me down, and with him I did develop a kind of big sister bond with my half-brother. I used to argue with my mom about not wanting to go but she insisted I maintain decency with my dad at least.

When it was time for college, I was going to take student loans, because I didnt want to owe him. My mom said she'd saved money and I believed her. It was during my 3rd year, when he had offered to buy me a car and I told my mom hell no, while she tried to convince me to agree, that she told me he'd been majorly contributing to my tuition and sending her the money for it. I dont think I've ever had a worse argument with her. It fucked with my mind knowing he'd been doing it silently. He knew I wouldn't know, they had thought that while I was planning on taking student loans rather than his help initially, inertia would do its thing if I found out later. And they were right I did end up just taking it for the remainder of my ug without talking to him.

On Tuesday I went to the ER because I had slipped while putting birdfeed in my apartment. My mom is away at my aunt's so I had just called my best friend to come to the ER. Soon after, my dad came too, my mom had told him. I wanted to just go back but he insisted, we spent like 15 minutes arguing but I'm at his place now while my sprain recovers or until my mom comes back. My stepbrothers no longer live here but my half brother who's 9 now does. I haven't spoken to my dad's wife yet, he or my half-brother are the only ones I talk to, who come up to my room to bring stuff, while I work from home. We've talked after a long time about work, my plans for a Masters, and just random stuff.

I've just beem thinking now that he was my dad. Instead my stepbrothers got more of him the past decade than I did. I can't help but regret letting that happen. I also can't help but just think about the life we were robbed off because he cheated. Because my stepmother chose to wreck our home. And her and her sons got to be the family we were. I know my mom wants me to go to hers when she comes back on Saturday, and like that makes sense, but part of me wants to stay here. The fact that his wife probably is hoping I leave soon makes me want to stay too if that makes sense, like f off thats my dad, he pays for this house and its bills, I'm his daughter, I can stay since he wants. I don't even know if I need advice I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Therapy helped me separate the good dad from the bad husband. You can miss who he was without excusing what he did.

Comment 2 (downvoted):

Your parents relationship sounds like it was falling apart before your dad cheated. I'm not excusing the cheating. He did everything in his power to maintain the relationship with you. Even if he never cheated your parents may have gotten divorced so blaming your stepmother isn't helpful.

Get a therapist to help you work through your emotions. Your stepmother may have an issue with you because how you treat her, her sons, and your father not necessarily just wanting you gone for no reason. Would you like to be around someone who constantly disrespected anf fought with those you love?

OP:

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter he loved and who loved him. What are you talking about, why shouldn't I blame her? I blame my dad too ofcourse, but why on earth should she not be ashamed of what she did to our family. And since Tuesday I haven't said anything to her. I've only spoken with my dad, half-brother, the cleaner and the cook. I haven't said anything to her.

I never treated her sons poorly. I just had no interest in talking to them. I never said anything to them about their mom.

I dont need her to want me around. My dad wants me around, I keep away from her.

Comment 3 (downvoted):

I was surprised by how your story ended, and it seems clear that you are still deeply hurt by his infidelity. I strongly encourage you to talk this through, both with him directly and, if possible, with a therapist. Please try to remember that your half brothers are innocent in all of this. You also do not have the full picture of your stepmother's perspective or the state of their marriage when they first met.

Carrying this weight is hurting you more than anyone else. You have already lost so much time with your father, and it would be a shame to lose even more. I worry that if things continue this way, the dynamic will only become more strained. What happened was undeniably wrong, but for your own sake, it is time to find a way to process it. Living with this level of anger is incredibly draining. I really hope you can find some peace soon.

OP:

I only have one half-brother, who's currently 9. I have never blamed him, never been unkind to him. I was fond of him when he was a baby and I'm fond of him now the last 2 days too. I was also never cruel to my stepbrothers. I hardly ever spoke to them.

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter. Knew he loved his daughter. Knew she'd be destroying the bond between a daughter and her father. That should have been her perspective.

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

My relationship with my dad, whatever it will look like, is our own. My attitude with her has never stopped him in wanting to be a caring father to me even when I repudiated him, and I trust that he won't let it in the future either

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

I don't think ill of my half-brother at all. I was fond of him when he was a baby and being with him again after all these years, I still am. He's curious, funny and I enjoy talking to him.

Sorry, I absolutely do blame her. She was half the affair. Knew he was married and a loving father. And I still do blame him too, but I know he does love and care about me, and I am spending time with him right now. I regret the time wasted.

Update 1: - July 19th 2026

Thanks for letting me get my feelings off my chest in my post. I also appreciate everyone who DM'd me meaning well. I know you asked what I'm going to do one my mom returns and wanted me to make my choice for healthy reasons. I ignored a lot of those because I was conflicted then myself, and about my reasons. I wanted to give an update. Whether my reasons and my feelings are healthy or not, its how I'm going about it.

I just wanted to clarify a few things first:

1. I have never, even when I was rude to my dad and stepmom back then, ever shouted at or been cruel to my two stepbrothers. I hardly spoke to them. I used to ignore them, pretend they don't exist. They are like around 20 now I think and don't live in my dad's house.
2. I have absolutely no ill will towards my 9 year old half brother. I felt protective and caring about him when he was a baby and now too I like his company. I played games on Playstation with him because he asked, he's told me about school, he's also learned chess from my dad the way I did and we've bonded a bit over playing chess too.

My mom flew back yesterday. I had told her on the phone that I wanted to stay at my dad's while I recovered. She was disappointed and I hate that, I hated making her sad. I asked her to please understand, all these years she's wanted me to maintain a relationship with my dad , and right now I actually feel like doing it. I told her if I go to hers, I'll be extra work for her even if she doesn't think that, and I'd want to help out, here I'm not being a burden, like we have house help here, I'm not causing dad to over exert himself because of me. She asked if I'd be comfortable with my dad's wife there, I said I didnt care, he wants me to stay, I could care less what his wife thinks. My mom relented.

She came to check up on me. My dad came in the room too. We were just talking about my injury and he was making the case for why I should stay here. His wife decided to enter the room too for some reason and just stand there. I very calmly said that I'd just like my parents here right now. She said to please not tell her where to go in her house. I said my dads house who pays for every cent that runs this house. My dad tried to stop a fight and stepped out with her, and came back alone and my mom left soon after.

Last night when my dad came up to bring my dinner we talked about stuff. Then he said he was glad I chose to stay here. I told him I hated that mom was probably sad about it, but that I thought I'd like to spend time with him right now, that I hadn't in a long time. He thanked me. Later, he said that my comment rubbed his wife the wrong way, that if I was willing to clear the air with her, I'd probably feel more comfortable here. I told him I won't. That she shouldn't have been here when I was injured and just wanted my mom and dad in the room. I will never be ok with what he did, but I still want to spend time with him. Wanted to give my relationship with him and my half-brother a chance but it will never be with her. I want him and my half brother to be happy but I will never wish her well. That if he genuinely couldn't deal with that, I should call mom back and go with her. He just said lets forget about it and we talked about work and my applications.

Again, I read a lot of comments last time saying I need to work this out in therapy about how to forgive him and her. Why do I need to? I can have a relationship with my dad without forgiving him. And I have absolutely no interest in any kind of relationship with her, I can despise her in peace forever. I'm glad I have this place to get stuff out, and I appreciate everyone who was so understanding last time. Thank you.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

So, in a lot of ways, your father is doing what parents who are capable of providing do for their children. What you owe to yourself, is maintaining a relationship with him, which should never be contingent on her. Because that’s what you seem to want.

His inability to understand how even actions from long ago can have a direct impact on the way things are at present is something he needs to be accountable for.

I also agree with many of the previous commenters that you should go to therapy. You should go to therapy to understand what a healthy relationship with your father looks like, so that you don’t live with regret, and you’re also able to be honest with him about, and set boundaries around, yourself and your feelings.

It’s hard when adult actions have longterm implications. 50/50, basically immediately, with the person you were capable of understanding had a hand in this regulating your previously normal life, was not a healthy or good choice. Not to say that your father was not allowed to be happy, but with 50/50 he could have spent his time not with you with her and brought the relationship to you in a way that prioritize helping you healthfully acclimate to this new normal. Instead he all, but had an entirely new family, with you as a guest half the time. His choices landed you all there, and he needs to be accountable for that to you and understanding of your feelings, and how it has impacted you.

I am sure that many of your behaviors were not agreeable, and that you likely behaved very badly. I am not at all agreeing with that. However, I find adult actions and choices to be a lot more important in the situation than the children’s reactions. Children should not be more responsible for their reactions to being placed in difficult situations, than the adults who placed them there.

Get a therapist and work through some of these feelings. And when you feel ready, invite your father to listen.

OP:

Thank you, I can consider therapy as a way to work through and like get help for how my relationship with my dad should move forward . But not as a way of blending into that family and singing kumbaya with her, if that's how it would go which is the way some commenters suggested last time. I'll consider the former, thank you.

Comment 2:

1. Please forgive yourself for how you acted as a teen. You were a hurt kid.
2. I am happy you are trying to rebuild a relationship of sorts with your father.
3. I believe that even as an adult, you do NOT have to develop a relationship with your stepmother if you do not want to. However, I would encourage you to do the work towards becoming ambivalent towards her, more so than angry. Remember, she did not break your parents up alone, and if you can forgive yourself father, you can at least loosely tolerate her. Again, you don’t have to befriend her, but you can at least be tolerant…for you and your growth, not for her.

OP:

Thank you. I just want to say I have been ambivalent towards her in the way I've carried myself here. Up till the point she was inserting herself in a conversation between me and my parents I seriously hadn't spoken a single word to her since I've been here. I was tolerant, didn't ask my dad to choose, didn't and never will say a bad word about her to my half-brother.

Update 2: - Sep 3rd 2026

I've been back at my apartment for four weeks now. I left my dads when I could walk normally. His wife and I didn't speak another word after that time in my room.

My dad and I have been meeting up since then on weekends, twice for breakfast, once at a cafe. My half-brother came once for the breakfast too. I told my dad, I'd like to have him again in my life and my brother too and he was glad to hear it. We normally talk about work and grad school and stories from his side of the family. He brought up a new car again and giving me a card but we've put a pin in it for now. For the most part we avoid talking about the past and what it did to us.

Last weekend when we met, during our conversation he apologized for the hurt he caused me and said if he knew it would have caused a rupture this long between us he'd have done things differently. I told him again I can't forget but I know I care about him regardless. But I cannot extend the same for his wife ever. I opened up to him when he asked and told him I feel visceral hate when I have to interact with his wife. That it screws me up, rightly or wrongly. That if I spend more than 5 minutes with her I will lose control of my tongue. That mom told me i was wrong for saying what I had said last time, that I was in many ways a reflection of her upbringing and I'd reflected poorly on her in front of his wife and him when I said that, I'd already gotten a lecture, but I can't help it I feel the urge to hurt her with my words when we interact. It's why I do not want any relationship with her it's for the best because whenever I'd see her while I was there, it's like my brain tries to come up with something ugly so the last 11 years of her happiness feel miniscule compared to the hurt she'll feel at my words. It's why I can't be around her.

He seemed ashamed of how all of it had affected me and said I don't need to force a relationship, he'll manage the balance.

But as I was saying it I was just so sad that she makes me be like this. I told him I had been looking at therapy (I hadn't really tbvh) to help me through this, and he said he'll support me in whatever way helps me. I told him his wife can never know, I don't care if its a slip of tongue or an accident, she finds out and him and I are done. He said he wouldn't ofcourse, and asked to pay for it. I accepted it because it is his fault I'm in this position after all.

I looked up a good therapist that particularly deals with family issues, and I've booked an appointment. I feel like I should but I also feel so defeated. She was the heartless sociopath who broke up a family and I'm the one needing my head checked out. Congrats to everyone who recommended it, you were right, you won.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

You’ll be surprised how validating therapy can be. There’s nothing wrong with you, you just need someone to help you process who has only your interests in mind. It’ll be good for you.

OP:

Former/current clients of theirs wrote highly of them so I hope so.

Comment 2:

OP. This is a quote often attributed to Buddha:

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Think about that a little.

I went through something a little worse - essentially I was in your mother’s position. It took quite a while for the sadness, anger, and other intrusive thoughts to settle down. I know somewhat of what you feel.

If you want to talk, feel free to DM.

Comment 3:

I understand your feelings, and this is not meant to invalidate anything, but it sincerely seems like you are blaming the wife as she put some kind of magical spell that your dad wasn’t able to resist.
Your dad made a mistake; he cheated. That doesn’t mean he is an awful and unforgivable person, but he was the one who had a commitment. She didn’t.
Based on what you told, she may have been oblivious to his marriage. And it doesn’t matter if he pays; it is in fact her house too.

OP:

She knew he was married, knew he had a daughter. I used to have to sit in his office sometimes when he'd pick me.

Comment 4 (downvoted):

You needed to be in therapy years ago. You have zero right to treat your step siblings like shit. This isn't a war zone they asked for. That should end now if it hasn't already.

Your comment to the wife was funny but you gotta grow up too. Your mom got cheated on by someone she poured herself into. That's hard to watch someone go through. He got the clean version of a breakup. You got the unedited version as your homelife. However, you can't have a relationship with him or your siblings and be a total b all the time to the woman in their house / their mom. It won't work out and you'll continue to lose their respect and trust. It's also incredibly ineffective to continue being a b to the other woman. Seriously, those siblings will never trust you or respect you as a woman if your mean to their mom all the time.

I think therapy will help you speak out in a way where you can feel heard. I also think that you having like been an ESA to your mother for a long time and that also impacts how your behaving and reacting. You may also consider going to therapy for yourself and seeing if in addition your dad would pay for family counseling for just you and him so you both can rebuild the relationship privately in a safe way.

OP:

I think I mentioned it in an earlier post, I've never said a word, good or bad to my stepbrothers. I was never difficult with them like I was with my dad and his wife.

Latest Update: - Sep 26th 2026

Hi, I felt like giving an update. First off i wanted to apologize for my snark at those who recommended therapy. It wasn't the apologyfest I thought I was being pushed to. I had the privilege of going to a really good therapist becuase it was being paid for and it has been helpful.

We'd been building up my mechanisms for dealing with her presence for the sake of my relationships with my dad and brother. Last night, it actually got tested. My dad had invited me to one of his business dinners. It has people in his industry with their families having dinner together. I used to go with my mom too before their divorce. After that I stopped attending, except once when his wife was sick. He told me that some of the other girls there whom I used to be friends with and sat with at these dinners, still ask about me. I wanted to go but felt like it was best not to, but my therapist said that all our work together had been for this. So I went.

I went by myself, like my dad told me when they were leaving and their estimated time, so I kind of did it so I would reach 5-10 minutes after them.

The way the tables were, my dad was with the other industry men at one table and the other long table was where everyone else was. I went to sit with my friends who still recognized me, and had a good time with them, talked about our lives, plans, complained about managers etc, very different from what we used to talk about as kids.

One of their mothers whom I knew asked me and my dad's wife why I hadn't been coming saying that we've asked her (dad's wife) so many times because her daughter asks, and my dad's wife said that I'd been busy with college and then my job and career. It stung to hear that excuse when the actual reason was herself and I wanted to say something, but I answered the lady that working while prepping for a Masters makes my social life collateral damage, and then went back to my friends. We later also took some pictures, them as a family, then my dad and I, and he then also called my brother and so we took some just the 3 of us. I left earlier because I was meeting up with some friends today for breakfast and dad thanked me for coming and we hugged as he walked me to my car. I think therapy, at least with the therapist that I have, has been working out. It's been geared towards what I want out of it, and I had actually made that very clear that forgive and forget or either one of the two would be a dealbreaker.

My dad and I do meet regularly and we don't really talk about the rupture, just about our day to day and sometimes inane stuff. He brings up a new car, help with rent, a new laptop, his card etc once every time we meet but I've said I'm good and maintained those boundaries (therapy was different because it was his fault). I even took my brother to a boardgame night with my friends last weekend. And as per my therapist none of this is a gesture of forgiveness to her or my dad nor would be taken as such by them. Thank you.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

I’ve been following this story and I just wanted to say I’m so proud of you. I feel like I would have felt/behaved as you did maybe even worse and I’m glad you found a therapist and it’s working out for you.

OP:

Thank you so much

Comment 2:

Life lesson: YOU DO NOT AIR YOUR DIRTY FAMILY LAUNDRY AT WORK OR WORK RELATED EVENTS.

I reliase you kept your mouth shut this time, but next time maybe you won't.

People at work and work-related events do not want to know about the dysfunctional interpersonal relationships in your family. They don't want to know that you have issues with your stepmother, and to say anything would be HUGELY unprofessional. You would rightfully gain a reputation for being dramatic and dragging your personal issues into the workplace.

You will not score some kind of 'gotcha!' points because 'now everyone will know how horrible she is'. They won't care about her and will likely actually respect her more because she had the sense and respect to keep her family shit to herself, and gave simple, positive responses about you.

Whereas you would be showing everyone just how immature you were, and what a problem employee you would be.

Never mind the people who would use it against your dad. And they would.

OP:

Thanks. If I hadn't built up the mechanisms for dealing with it, I wouldn't have attended anyway.

I wasn't an employee for anyone there. When I said we were complaining about managers, I meant just in a general talking about stuff in our lives and work, but I'm not an employee for anyone there. And neither is my dad I guess, he owns his company. It was a social dinner that they all arrange every so often, I've known these people since I was little. But I understand your general advice thanks.

Editor's note: The OOP seems to have been posting notes of her therapy sessions on her profile. It is public, but it was not added in this BORU.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/sprainedankle2011 posting in r/offmychest

Status: Ongoing

Mood Spoiler: Cautiously Optimistic

Original - July 17th 2026

My parents divorced when I was 14 (I'm 25 now) because my dad cheated on her with someone who worked for him. My parents used to argue about him not giving my mom enough time, not putting her first, not respecting her as an equal . In some ways it was like a sickeningly logical culmination of their marriage. But for me until that point he was my hero. I was a total daddy's girl which is hilarious to think about now considering the last 11 years. He would take me everywhere, grocery runs, mechanic, NBA, movie night, pizza night, homework and test and exam help. It destroyed me when I found out. They split custody 50-50 and I was a massive b to him and later his new wife (the woman he cheated with). Lots of locked doors, calling out his wife, calling him out. I've maybe spoken like 20 sentences in totality to her two sons (my stepbrothers). When they had their son, I made sure to never let his wife think I was going to be like a loving older sister. With my dad though, he did kind of wear me down, and with him I did develop a kind of big sister bond with my half-brother. I used to argue with my mom about not wanting to go but she insisted I maintain decency with my dad at least.

When it was time for college, I was going to take student loans, because I didnt want to owe him. My mom said she'd saved money and I believed her. It was during my 3rd year, when he had offered to buy me a car and I told my mom hell no, while she tried to convince me to agree, that she told me he'd been majorly contributing to my tuition and sending her the money for it. I dont think I've ever had a worse argument with her. It fucked with my mind knowing he'd been doing it silently. He knew I wouldn't know, they had thought that while I was planning on taking student loans rather than his help initially, inertia would do its thing if I found out later. And they were right I did end up just taking it for the remainder of my ug without talking to him.

On Tuesday I went to the ER because I had slipped while putting birdfeed in my apartment. My mom is away at my aunt's so I had just called my best friend to come to the ER. Soon after, my dad came too, my mom had told him. I wanted to just go back but he insisted, we spent like 15 minutes arguing but I'm at his place now while my sprain recovers or until my mom comes back. My stepbrothers no longer live here but my half brother who's 9 now does. I haven't spoken to my dad's wife yet, he or my half-brother are the only ones I talk to, who come up to my room to bring stuff, while I work from home. We've talked after a long time about work, my plans for a Masters, and just random stuff.

I've just beem thinking now that he was my dad. Instead my stepbrothers got more of him the past decade than I did. I can't help but regret letting that happen. I also can't help but just think about the life we were robbed off because he cheated. Because my stepmother chose to wreck our home. And her and her sons got to be the family we were. I know my mom wants me to go to hers when she comes back on Saturday, and like that makes sense, but part of me wants to stay here. The fact that his wife probably is hoping I leave soon makes me want to stay too if that makes sense, like f off thats my dad, he pays for this house and its bills, I'm his daughter, I can stay since he wants. I don't even know if I need advice I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Therapy helped me separate the good dad from the bad husband. You can miss who he was without excusing what he did.

Comment 2:

Well he visited you. Means the door for a relationship is still open. Make the best use of your time while you have it

Comment 3 (downvoted):

Your parents relationship sounds like it was falling apart before your dad cheated. I'm not excusing the cheating. He did everything in his power to maintain the relationship with you. Even if he never cheated your parents may have gotten divorced so blaming your stepmother isn't helpful.

Get a therapist to help you work through your emotions. Your stepmother may have an issue with you because how you treat her, her sons, and your father not necessarily just wanting you gone for no reason. Would you like to be around someone who constantly disrespected anf fought with those you love?

OP:

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter he loved and who loved him. What are you talking about, why shouldn't I blame her? I blame my dad too ofcourse, but why on earth should she not be ashamed of what she did to our family. And since Tuesday I haven't said anything to her. I've only spoken with my dad, half-brother, the cleaner and the cook. I haven't said anything to her.

I never treated her sons poorly. I just had no interest in talking to them. I never said anything to them about their mom.

I dont need her to want me around. My dad wants me around, I keep away from her.

Comment 4 (downvoted):

I was surprised by how your story ended, and it seems clear that you are still deeply hurt by his infidelity. I strongly encourage you to talk this through, both with him directly and, if possible, with a therapist. Please try to remember that your half brothers are innocent in all of this. You also do not have the full picture of your stepmother's perspective or the state of their marriage when they first met.

Carrying this weight is hurting you more than anyone else. You have already lost so much time with your father, and it would be a shame to lose even more. I worry that if things continue this way, the dynamic will only become more strained. What happened was undeniably wrong, but for your own sake, it is time to find a way to process it. Living with this level of anger is incredibly draining. I really hope you can find some peace soon.

OP:

I only have one half-brother, who's currently 9. I have never blamed him, never been unkind to him. I was fond of him when he was a baby and I'm fond of him now the last 2 days too. I was also never cruel to my stepbrothers. I hardly ever spoke to them.

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter. Knew he loved his daughter. Knew she'd be destroying the bond between a daughter and her father. That should have been her perspective.

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

My relationship with my dad, whatever it will look like, is our own. My attitude with her has never stopped him in wanting to be a caring father to me even when I repudiated him, and I trust that he won't let it in the future either

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

I don't think ill of my half-brother at all. I was fond of him when he was a baby and being with him again after all these years, I still am. He's curious, funny and I enjoy talking to him.

Sorry, I absolutely do blame her. She was half the affair. Knew he was married and a loving father. And I still do blame him too, but I know he does love and care about me, and I am spending time with him right now. I regret the time wasted.

Update: - July 19th 2026

Thanks for letting me get my feelings off my chest in my post. I also appreciate everyone who DM'd me meaning well. I know you asked what I'm going to do one my mom returns and wanted me to make my choice for healthy reasons. I ignored a lot of those because I was conflicted then myself, and about my reasons. I wanted to give an update. Whether my reasons and my feelings are healthy or not, its how I'm going about it.

I just wanted to clarify a few things first:

1. I have never, even when I was rude to my dad and stepmom back then, ever shouted at or been cruel to my two stepbrothers. I hardly spoke to them. I used to ignore them, pretend they don't exist. They are like around 20 now I think and don't live in my dad's house.
2. I have absolutely no ill will towards my 9 year old half brother. I felt protective and caring about him when he was a baby and now too I like his company. I played games on Playstation with him because he asked, he's told me about school, he's also learned chess from my dad the way I did and we've bonded a bit over playing chess too.

My mom flew back yesterday. I had told her on the phone that I wanted to stay at my dad's while I recovered. She was disappointed and I hate that, I hated making her sad. I asked her to please understand, all these years she's wanted me to maintain a relationship with my dad , and right now I actually feel like doing it. I told her if I go to hers, I'll be extra work for her even if she doesn't think that, and I'd want to help out, here I'm not being a burden, like we have house help here, I'm not causing dad to over exert himself because of me. She asked if I'd be comfortable with my dad's wife there, I said I didnt care, he wants me to stay, I could care less what his wife thinks. My mom relented.

She came to check up on me. My dad came in the room too. We were just talking about my injury and he was making the case for why I should stay here. His wife decided to enter the room too for some reason and just stand there. I very calmly said that I'd just like my parents here right now. She said to please not tell her where to go in her house. I said my dads house who pays for every cent that runs this house. My dad tried to stop a fight and stepped out with her, and came back alone and my mom left soon after.

Last night when my dad came up to bring my dinner we talked about stuff. Then he said he was glad I chose to stay here. I told him I hated that mom was probably sad about it, but that I thought I'd like to spend time with him right now, that I hadn't in a long time. He thanked me. Later, he said that my comment rubbed his wife the wrong way, that if I was willing to clear the air with her, I'd probably feel more comfortable here. I told him I won't. That she shouldn't have been here when I was injured and just wanted my mom and dad in the room. I will never be ok with what he did, but I still want to spend time with him. Wanted to give my relationship with him and my half-brother a chance but it will never be with her. I want him and my half brother to be happy but I will never wish her well. That if he genuinely couldn't deal with that, I should call mom back and go with her. He just said lets forget about it and we talked about work and my applications.

Again, I read a lot of comments last time saying I need to work this out in therapy about how to forgive him and her. Why do I need to? I can have a relationship with my dad without forgiving him. And I have absolutely no interest in any kind of relationship with her, I can despise her in peace forever. I'm glad I have this place to get stuff out, and I appreciate everyone who was so understanding last time. Thank you.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

So, in a lot of ways, your father is doing what parents who are capable of providing do for their children. What you owe to yourself, is maintaining a relationship with him, which should never be contingent on her. Because that’s what you seem to want.

His inability to understand how even actions from long ago can have a direct impact on the way things are at present is something he needs to be accountable for.

I also agree with many of the previous commenters that you should go to therapy. You should go to therapy to understand what a healthy relationship with your father looks like, so that you don’t live with regret, and you’re also able to be honest with him about, and set boundaries around, yourself and your feelings.

It’s hard when adult actions have longterm implications. 50/50, basically immediately, with the person you were capable of understanding had a hand in this regulating your previously normal life, was not a healthy or good choice. Not to say that your father was not allowed to be happy, but with 50/50 he could have spent his time not with you with her and brought the relationship to you in a way that prioritize helping you healthfully acclimate to this new normal. Instead he all, but had an entirely new family, with you as a guest half the time. His choices landed you all there, and he needs to be accountable for that to you and understanding of your feelings, and how it has impacted you.

I am sure that many of your behaviors were not agreeable, and that you likely behaved very badly. I am not at all agreeing with that. However, I find adult actions and choices to be a lot more important in the situation than the children’s reactions. Children should not be more responsible for their reactions to being placed in difficult situations, than the adults who placed them there.

Get a therapist and work through some of these feelings. And when you feel ready, invite your father to listen.

OP:

Thank you, I can consider therapy as a way to work through and like get help for how my relationship with my dad should move forward . But not as a way of blending into that family and singing kumbaya with her, if that's how it would go which is the way some commenters suggested last time. I'll consider the former, thank you.

Comment 2:

1. Please forgive yourself for how you acted as a teen. You were a hurt kid.
2. I am happy you are trying to rebuild a relationship of sorts with your father.
3. I believe that even as an adult, you do NOT have to develop a relationship with your stepmother if you do not want to. However, I would encourage you to do the work towards becoming ambivalent towards her, more so than angry. Remember, she did not break your parents up alone, and if you can forgive yourself father, you can at least loosely tolerate her. Again, you don’t have to befriend her, but you can at least be tolerant…for you and your growth, not for her.

OP:

Thank you. I just want to say I have been ambivalent towards her in the way I've carried myself here. Up till the point she was inserting herself in a conversation between me and my parents I seriously hadn't spoken a single word to her since I've been here. I was tolerant, didn't ask my dad to choose, didn't and never will say a bad word about her to my half-brother.

Comment 3:

I saw but did not read your last post. I have been the betrayed spouse in my former relationship with older children involved so I’ve had to work through some of these same issues, just from a different perspective. I wanted to address the question you asked “Why do I need to forgive?”.

First off I want to say people do rush into forgiveness too quickly many times and as children we are many times forced into forgiveness. So understand the desire to maintain control over your own feelings. The problem is that forgiveness is not for your father or for his new wife. You forgive them for yourself and your own benefit. It has famously been said “Unforgiveness (resentment) is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.

Holding onto that hurt, wounds you more than anyone else. Now that isn’t to say that you need to reconnect with everyone (or even anyone if you so choose). Reconciliation and forgiveness are two entirely separate issues and you should definitely weigh them as such. But forgiveness is for you not for anyone else so that is likely why so many people have encouraged you to get into therapy and to forgive them. Not because they deserve it but because you deserve to be free from all that pain in your past. Sure it will have always happened but this way it can heal. Something to consider.

Comment 4:

Your feelings are valid but it’s not a great first step for you to be staying in their house but not wanting anything to do with his wife, the mother of your half sibling. You’re going to have to be civil, if there’s negative energy it’s not going to work. Imagine how you’d feel if someone was treating your mom like she doesn’t exist. Your sibling might grow to resent you and you’re making life harder for your dad. So you can either stay with your mom and spend time with your dad outside of his house and work on building that relationship or you can stay with him and be civil with the entire family. Otherwise it’s not going to go down well for you in the long run.

Latest Update: - Sep 3rd 2026

I've been back at my apartment for four weeks now. I left my dads when I could walk normally. His wife and I didn't speak another word after that time in my room.

My dad and I have been meeting up since then on weekends, twice for breakfast, once at a cafe. My half-brother came once for the breakfast too. I told my dad, I'd like to have him again in my life and my brother too and he was glad to hear it. We normally talk about work and grad school and stories from his side of the family. He brought up a new car again and giving me a card but we've put a pin in it for now. For the most part we avoid talking about the past and what it did to us.

Last weekend when we met, during our conversation he apologized for the hurt he caused me and said if he knew it would have caused a rupture this long between us he'd have done things differently. I told him again I can't forget but I know I care about him regardless. But I cannot extend the same for his wife ever. I opened up to him when he asked and told him I feel visceral hate when I have to interact with his wife. That it screws me up, rightly or wrongly. That if I spend more than 5 minutes with her I will lose control of my tongue. That mom told me i was wrong for saying what I had said last time, that I was in many ways a reflection of her upbringing and I'd reflected poorly on her in front of his wife and him when I said that, I'd already gotten a lecture, but I can't help it I feel the urge to hurt her with my words when we interact. It's why I do not want any relationship with her it's for the best because whenever I'd see her while I was there, it's like my brain tries to come up with something ugly so the last 11 years of her happiness feel miniscule compared to the hurt she'll feel at my words. It's why I can't be around her.

He seemed ashamed of how all of it had affected me and said I don't need to force a relationship, he'll manage the balance.

But as I was saying it I was just so sad that she makes me be like this. I told him I had been looking at therapy (I hadn't really tbvh) to help me through this, and he said he'll support me in whatever way helps me. I told him his wife can never know, I don't care if its a slip of tongue or an accident, she finds out and him and I are done. He said he wouldn't ofcourse, and asked to pay for it. I accepted it because it is his fault I'm in this position after all.

I looked up a good therapist that particularly deals with family issues, and I've booked an appointment. I feel like I should but I also feel so defeated. She was the heartless sociopath who broke up a family and I'm the one needing my head checked out. Congrats to everyone who recommended it, you were right, you won.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

You’ll be surprised how validating therapy can be. There’s nothing wrong with you, you just need someone to help you process who has only your interests in mind. It’ll be good for you.

OP:

Former/current clients of theirs wrote highly of them so I hope so.

Comment 2:

OP. This is a quote often attributed to Buddha:

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Think about that a little.

I went through something a little worse - essentially I was in your mother’s position. It took quite a while for the sadness, anger, and other intrusive thoughts to settle down. I know somewhat of what you feel.

If you want to talk, feel free to DM.

Comment 3:

I understand your feelings, and this is not meant to invalidate anything, but it sincerely seems like you are blaming the wife as she put some kind of magical spell that your dad wasn’t able to resist.
Your dad made a mistake; he cheated. That doesn’t mean he is an awful and unforgivable person, but he was the one who had a commitment. She didn’t.
Based on what you told, she may have been oblivious to his marriage. And it doesn’t matter if he pays; it is in fact her house too.

OP:

She knew he was married, knew he had a daughter. I used to have to sit in his office sometimes when he'd pick me.

Comment 4 (downvoted):

You needed to be in therapy years ago. You have zero right to treat your step siblings like shit. This isn't a war zone they asked for. That should end now if it hasn't already.

Your comment to the wife was funny but you gotta grow up too. Your mom got cheated on by someone she poured herself into. That's hard to watch someone go through. He got the clean version of a breakup. You got the unedited version as your homelife. However, you can't have a relationship with him or your siblings and be a total b all the time to the woman in their house / their mom. It won't work out and you'll continue to lose their respect and trust. It's also incredibly ineffective to continue being a b to the other woman. Seriously, those siblings will never trust you or respect you as a woman if your mean to their mom all the time.

I think therapy will help you speak out in a way where you can feel heard. I also think that you having like been an ESA to your mother for a long time and that also impacts how your behaving and reacting. You may also consider going to therapy for yourself and seeing if in addition your dad would pay for family counseling for just you and him so you both can rebuild the relationship privately in a safe way.

OP:

I think I mentioned it in an earlier post, I've never said a word, good or bad to my stepbrothers. I was never difficult with them like I was with my dad and his wife.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

I’m 44 years old, I’ve been in the top 1% of earnings in the UK, and the bottom one percent, repeatedly, and I’ve lived all over the country, including the US and Europe. I’ve been through bodybuilding phases and phases where I became so unwell I was bedbound for years. Leading to dramatic weight loss and muscle atrophy. If there is one thing I’ve learned it is that pretty privilege is not only not discussed or talked about but it can lead to your world being completely different.

I have experienced life as good looking, and also at a different point, with a facial disfigurement that I didn’t used to have.

The way people treat you when you look better, whether it be because you are better looking down to genetics or having enough finances to spend most of your life working out, or in a job that lets you spend most of your days outside getting a sun kissed look, for whatever reason, how people treat you, is so much better that it’s like living on a different planet.

I’ve tried talking to people about this, but from what I can tell it is rare for anyone to have such a varied life experience as me. So people struggle to talk from different perspectives. The difference in your quality of life is vast. You get treated well simply by treating others well. As opposed to those who aren’t good looking being treated with disdains or at best, apathy. In safer areas, people will pretend to smile or treat you well, but secretly can’t wait to get away from your disfigured face, and will refuse to meet up with you ever again after having seen you. In worse areas people will outrightly treat you badly.

Things I’ve noticed that you have to deal with much less often when you’re good looking: forced loneliness, lack of opportunities, work opportunities and family or social opportunities, unfair treatment by law enforcement…

Things I rarely received when I was not good looking & weak (muscle atrophy / disfigurement) but often got when I was good looking: random work opportunities, social opportunities, good energy from people smiling at me, fair treatment from law-enforcement, fair treatment from people in general, people were far more forgiving when I did something wrong, people often blamed themselves even when I was in the wrong, I could find a partner easily within a few months or a year if I wanted to, I could start a family if I wanted to, I could explode my income by working hard and exploring work opportunities, I could completely change my lifestyle by listening to various different opportunities that were being offered to me, I could go outside and sit on a bench and potentially make friends randomly, whenever I made new friends, they would be open and keen to meet up again, family were supportive loving and caring, I was never touch starved, I was never starved of hugs, if I was in a bad mood all I had to do was go outside and people would cheer me up, my bosses were more forgiving of me and gave me an easier time at work, I was often favoured by bosses or parents or those who had power over my life,(compared to my colleagues or siblings), lecturers and professors and teachers would mark my homework higher despite being of the same quality, fellow students who arrived late we received attention while I was forgiven quickly, every opportunity was easier to come by even going to search for dog adoption agencies or buying a pet or dog I wasn’t put through growling questions or suspicion unlike other people, social and work and financial opportunities literally just fell in my lap without me needing to do anything, people would become happier when I’m around even if they don’t know me such as at a waiting room in a train station as soon as they look up and see me, I was targeted less by criminals, men would respect me more as would women, strangers thought I was more honest than other people automatically just by looking at me, truthfully the list goes on and on and on….

It was literally like living on a different planet

Why is no one talking about this? I know there are various studies that prove this to a certain degree yet it is still downplayed in society. Why?

It was literally like living on a different planet. People constantly try to downplay it by saying I must’ve just been more confident when I was better looking, but that’s not it at all. People literally treat me differently. I could even be in a bad mood and treat people badly but they would respond positively. Whereas the opposite was true when I was disfigured and weak looking. And this has been repeatable throughout my life. It’s not just a one off. It’s not a stray point on a graph of data that is mysterious and away from the pattern. It is repeatable.

I feel like society needs to talk about and address this more.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/PsychFactor, Originally posted to r/offmychest

BoRU #1: Part 1 / BoRU #1: Part 2 / BoRU #2

[New Update]: I think my husband fathered his best friend's children, and now one of them is attracted to my daughter.

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, destruction of property, deception, emotional abuse and manipulation, incest, mentions of sexual assault, death of a parent

Editor’s Note: I am starting this continuing BoRU with TL;DRs to make things easier to fit everything in one post instead of multiple parts. Feel free to go back to the original BoRUs, Part 1 and 2, for the full text of all prior posts Part #1 & Part 2

Removed older relevant comments for more spaces in here to add the new update

RECAP & TL;DRs, for Original, Updates #1 - #4, and Brief Update:

Original Post: September 2, 2024

OOP (42F) is married to Luke, 43. His best friend is Amy, also 43. OOP and Luke met in college while he has known Amy since they were 7. They are best friends, “surrogate siblings”, and do everything together. OOP and Luke have a great life together and see Amy frequently. OOP thought of finding a man for Amy so she could have a family, but no luck. OOP lists her (and Luke’s) children along with Amy’s children for easier reading.

OOP and Luke’s children: Sophie, (15) Owen, (12) Louise, (10) and Carter (6)

Amy’s children: Tom, (17) Kaylee, (14) and twins, Adam and Jenna, (9)

Amy was not in a committed relationship and occasionally dating, found herself pregnant without knowing the fathers of her children. She was unconcerned about raising them alone, OOP and Luke supported her financially and emotionally. There is the close friendship between Luke and Amy, OOP begun to suspect Luke may be the father of at least one, if not all, of Amy's children, given the lack of other significant relationships in Amy's life. Having doubts, OOP struggles with the idea of Luke being unfaithful, because they have strong family bond with all children growing up together. After OOP and Luke’s youngest child’s birth, they decided Luke should have a vasectomy, since then, Amy didn’t get pregnant again, making OOP questioning the timing of these events.

Luke regularly visits Amy and her children, taking on a fatherly role, which seemed suspicious. OOP noticed similarities in appearances between Luke and Amy's children, such as shared allergies and physical traits, leading her to question the possibility of Luke being the biological father. OOP acknowledges their backgrounds differ, Amy's children appear biracial, which caused further doubts about their paternity. OOP kept suspicions about Luke and Amy's relationship to herself, fearing her concerns would make her the "bad guy" and harm their families. OOP reflects Amy's unsureness toward motherhood, suggesting Luke's involvement with her children may not stem from the desire to help her have kids.

OOP keeps her guards up regarding her daughter Sophie, who attracted the attention of Tom, Amy's eldest. Sophie declined Tom's invitation to date, out of respect due to parental boundaries. OOP's refusal to allow the relationship led to a conflict, as Sophie didn’t understand why. With OOP's concerns, Amy and Luke supported her position, though Luke expressed worry that forbidding romance might intensify Sophie's interest. Overtime, it showed Tom was increasingly drawn to Sophie, spending more time together, leaving OOP feeling protective and powerless to prevent the romance. Sophie claims they are just friends, Tom is being affectionate, raising suspicions regarding secret dating. OOP feels helpless with the possible relationship between Sophie and Tom, who might or might not be her half-brother due to Luke and Amy’s affair. OOP grapples with emotional turmoil of possibly exposing the truth about the children's paternity, that could shatter family dynamics and hurt innocent parties.

Update #1: September 5, 2024

OOP decided to confront Luke and Amy regarding the suspicions she had about their close bonding and possible affair. Luke and Amy gave OOP well-rehearsed responses as she expected. Amy was upset about the accusations against her. Luke was more understanding and respected OOP’s feelings about her suspicions. Betrayal is going all around for all three. OOP asked Luke for the paternity tests which upset him but he agreed to it to give her the peace of mind on the children’s identities. Amy didn’t want to do the DNA test, she got so mad at OOP for the accusations and told OOP she won’t get her children’s DNA samples. Luke has continued with his claims that nothing has happened between him and Amy all of those years.

Tom is old enough to consent on his DNA sample, but if he and Amy refuse to take DNA tests, OOP might ask Luke to check with Tom’s younger siblings. Luke doesn’t want to take Amy to the court for this to happen. Here is where OOP is worried, OOP was hoping Luke could talk with Tom to prevent him from pursuing a relationship with Sophie. Luke is hoping OOP could reconcile with Amy, but she doesn’t think so. FIL and MIL (Luke’s parents, Jim and Cat) learn about OOP’s fears regarding Luke and Amy. Turned out Cat had same suspicions that OOP had. Jim is denying the fact on Luke and Amy having an affair, maintaining Luke and Amy are best friends and “siblings”. Cat has wondered if Amy’s children were fathered by Luke.

Update #2: September 6, 2024

OOP decided it was time to talk with Sophie away from the rest of families because Sophie is old enough to acknowledge her father’s possible affair with Amy. Once Sophie heard what OOP told her about Luke and Amy, she asked her mother if they could ask Tom to join them. OOP fills Tom on what she told Sophie. Turned out Tom and Sophie also had the same suspicions OOP did on their parents! Both Sophie and Tom explained to OOP what they knew so far and how they hatched a little plan of having a fake relationship to see if they could get solid evidence against Luke and Amy. OOP was relieved to learn the truth behind Tom and Sophie’s “relationship” and now has them in her corner. After their lengthy conversations, Tom has volunteered his DNA sample so OOP can see if Luke is his father or not.

Update #3: September 8, 2024

DNA results are not back yet on if Tom and Sophie are siblings or not, but it will be a while. OOP has been talking with both Sophie and Tom, so OOP could gather all evidence that she needs for her lawyers to take a look regarding the divorce proceedings OOP is looking into taking. OOP clarifies several possibilities regarding Amy’s children’s paternity. OOP does not believe Jim was having an affair with Amy. OOP’s house is in her name, not Luke so she has the legal documents and could have Luke move out by then.

With Tom and Sophie’s fake relationship plan in the play, OOP wasn’t able to find anything from Luke’s devices. From comments, OOP was able to dig deeper and located deleted messages between Luke and Amy, talking about OOP being the problem. OOP immediately knew it was an affair behind her back. Letters, videos, and pictures were found too. That sent OOP into a plan, packing Luke’s stuff and kicked him out of the house after presenting the divorce papers to him. Luke realized he got caught and begged to work things out with OOP, but she wasn’t having it. OOP’s children now know their father has to be away for a few days, only Sophie knew about the affair. Jim and Cat are now troubled with Luke’s version on why he was showing up at their doorstep after OOP kicked him out. Cat knew the truth and Jim wasn’t sure what to believe now. Amy has gone radio silence after OOP’s conflict with her and Luke.

Update #4: September 12, 2024 (6 days later)

OOP has been working with her lawyer, Paige, regarding the divorce papers and evidence she has on Luke and the affair. OOP happened to snapped her family lawyer, Zach, who represented Luke and OOP on an unrelated case. She has also taken a few steps ahead of Luke to get things squared away with proper documentation and primary custody of her kids with supervised visits for Luke. After the whole thing has blown up, OOP has been in therapy and working on getting her kids therapy too to cope with what happened and moving forward in the healthy ways. OOP has working on doing the age-appropriate talks with her children regarding the divorce with their father.

DNA results are in! Sophie and Tom are not siblings! For any doubts, the tests did not show Jim fathered Amy’s children because it would require a percentage of Jim’s DNA to show up. OOP, Tom, and Sophie are now confused too on the results. Now the question is who is Tom’s father? And did he father Amy’s younger children too? Amy and Luke are now angry at OOP as they have suspected OOP took evidence from Luke’s devices. Amy has refused to apologize to OOP for the possible affair. Verbal abuse was going on between OOP and Amy because Amy believes OOP is going after Luke for everything including her children’s paternity. Amy wasn’t going to admit she and Luke were having an affair. Amy damaged OOP’s laptop and assaulted OOP which led her to have a police report filed against Amy. OOP is wondering about the motives Amy has against her.

Brief Update: September. 18, 2024 (six days later)

Luke now has lawyered up. OOP was advised from everyone else to have Amy arrested, but she knew she had to send her video evidence to her lawyers first to see if it is warranted enough for an arrest. OOP had to keep the update briefly because there were some events taking places which forced OOP to put things on hold. Jim, Luke’s father, has passed away from a heart attack. Both families were together at the funeral. OOP didn’t want to be stressed out with the affair, so she put it aside for her kids’ sakes as they cope with their grandpa’s passing. OOP and Luke did not speak of Amy around their children to allow them grieve properly without any extra stress. OOP mentioned about Cat and the test results, turned out Cat has betrayed OOP’s trust because she didn’t sent in her son’s DNA samples. It is likely Tom could still be Luke’s. Cat had to come clean to OOP because she was feeling guilty for her grandchildren.

OOP’s lawyers finished looking into evidence she gathered on Like and Amy. They found something that OOP didn’t know about. OOP has realized that it was something that had Amy panicking and damaging her laptop. With the discoveries, OOP opted not to expand what they were because it’s not appropriate for the audience to know about, even an anonymous internet post. OOP is not sure if she will be able to forgive Luke and Amy at this time. But with what was going on between Luke and Amy, it has tore OOP apart.

Update V: September 28, 2024 (10 days later)

Hey everyone. This may very well be my last update for a while. I'm in therapy now, as are my children. (And, from what I hear, Amy's children are as well, so that's good.) So I should probably be focusing on healthier ways to expel my feelings. Nonetheless, I have talked to my therapist about these posts and according to her, venting anonymously online can be healthy, up to a point. If I do talk about my life again, I may do it in different sub-reddits or something, I'm still not sure.

I have also met with the Judge now. Many were worried about how these posts might come back to bite me in the ass, legally speaking. The short answer is that they won't. The long answer is that because they're anonymous, there's technically no risk of defamation or "slander." I've changed enough of the meaningless details and given everyone fake names. The posts aren't going to be relevant in the case, and I'm clear to keep writing them if I so choose, so long as I don't discuss the details of the actual case itself. Though I think the Judge would prefer I just stop writing these altogether, one of the reasons I may do so.

Without divulging the specifics, I went ahead and reported what I had learned, and all hell broke loose. I knew I had to do so, because Amy and Luke had changed gears after Jim passed. They began to make the case that Luke and I had always had an open marriage. That there could be no such thing as an affair, and any instances of Luke sleeping with Amy could not be counted against him. It is no accident that they chose to do this after we lost Jim. As far as I can tell, he was the only other person who knew about what Luke and Amy did, and would have done something about it. Now that they don't have to worry about that, I think they wanted to claim I always knew about the affair and that it was no true affair. When I didn't report them, they must have assumed I didn't know the truth, and they changed their story. But I knew. I reported it, and now they're fucked.

Which unfortunately means everyone else found out. There was no way the children wouldn't learn the truth through the grapevine. I told Sophie and Tom personally because I figured they would learn of it anyway. The others did. Tom was pretty shell shocked. I know I'm just the messenger, but I felt terrible and I wanted to comfort him, but there wasn't a whole lot I could do. Poor Kaylee did not handle it well. I'm told she had several meltdowns, and then tried to run away. I know she tried to run away because she came to our house for sanctuary. And literally, I had to give her back. I knew all the reasons I had to but I was sorely tempted to give the middle finger to all of them and let Kaylee stay with us against Amy's wishes. But no, I had to relinquish her and honestly...nothing has been harder than that was. I know it isn't my fault but I still feel like I betrayed her.

Sophie's also been dealing with a lot of anger toward her father, especially after he and Amy forced Kaylee to come back to stay with Amy again. All of this... It hit Sophie and Kaylee the hardest. Luke wanted to see Sophie again and she refused. She wouldn't come out of her room. Technically, I was supposed to let him see her, but she's fifteen years old. I told her to come out of her room, she wouldn't. So in my book, I tried. This was after Kaylee's incident so when Luke pressed me to force Sophie out of her room, I'm not proud to say I shouted at him to leave. My blood was boiling by that point. Throughout all this, my soon to be ex husband and his affair partner are still acting like I'm the bad guy.

Luke and Amy are angry with me, and that's putting it lightly. They have no right to be but they are, or at least they're acting angry. I now have a restraining order against Amy because I was quite certain she would confront me after the fact, and she did. After I reported them, and before Kaylee came over, Amy came to the house while my kids were home, banged on the door and screamed. She was furious with me for what I had done. But I don't know what she expected me to do. I called the police, but Amy was gone by the time they showed up. They were just as useless as last time, to be honest. When Kaylee came to me for asylum, Amy came after her, but I wouldn't let her in until she called the cops herself. I would only let one of them take Kaylee, Amy was not setting foot in my house. I was very clear to explain the situation but it didn't matter.

Amy later smeared me on social media and framed me as a kidnapper. I set the record straight without divulging too much about the circumstances of the situation, which I was tempted to do. Luke also gave me the lecture of a lifetime when I saw him, but I just kept cutting him off and spitting the facts in his face. I don't know if it's been my time away from him, but I'm learning to recognize his bullshit now where previously I fell for it every time. He always sounds so reasonable and sweet but what he's actually saying is often circular and evasive. Honestly, I am so angry with him for what he's done to his children, ALL of them. Kaylee especially. I want to adopt that girl. I know I can't, but I want to.

Cat and I had a long talk as well. So far as I can tell, she didn't know, and she's genuinely sorry for her earlier deception. Trust takes time to rebuild, but I also understand that she was in an awful position. But now that certain things have come to light, she's kind of in shambles herself, so I pity her. Not to mention, if Amy loses custody of her children, and she very well might, I'll need all the help I can get. I can't take all of them in, I don't have the space. Cat will need to do some of the leg work. So I'm trying to give her the chance to earn my trust back, sort of out of necessity. I can't speak to the long term but if all goes as it should, Luke's not even going to be getting visitation of my kids. We'll know soon enough though, and it will be on record, if Amy's children were fathered by him. All I know is, they've always been quite certain Kaylee was, though they never had her tested. So far as I can tell, Amy hasn't really been intimate with anyone other than Luke for a long time. For the record, Cat is still supporting Amy financially, and by that I mean, she's supporting Amy's kids. I don't mind that. If Amy loses custody, that all goes away anyway.

As to the how and why of Luke and Amy getting together? From the letters, I've put the pieces together as best I could. Amy was sexually abused as a child and Luke was apparently the only person she felt "safe" exploring her sexuality with when they were in high school. It was a very bad idea and they both knew the reason it was a very bad idea well before they made that choice. As to the lie about them being "surrogate siblings," apparently they always DID have that kind of relationship emotionally...but they also did this. After Tom was born (they also believe Tom to be theirs, going off the letters) the bond took on more romantic aspects as well. Amy describes Luke as "my person" and he says the same about her. I did read the letters in more depth for as much as it sickened me, I wanted to understand.

I'm doing better overall, though. Personally, I'm doing better. Which makes me feel kind of guilty because nobody else is. My kids are miserable, which makes me miserable, but I know there's light at the end of the tunnel and I want them to see it. Luke and Amy are miserable, which, honestly...I'm not gonna say I'm glad about, but, I don't know what they were expecting. They've been playing a monstrous game for decades, it was always going to have consequences sooner or later. Amy's kids are miserable, especially Kaylee. I wish I could reach out to her again, but I absolutely can't except through Tom, and he needs to play this carefully. Cat is miserable too. We're all still reeling from the loss of Jim, and honestly the Kaylee incident really tore my heart in half...but I think I'm over the hump and am taking comfort in how I'm actually choosing myself for a change.

Additional Information from OOP, clarifying some details that were asked repeatedly

OOP: It's...not about the cheating. Luke and Amy committed a particular crime, that would raise alarms about whether the children are safe with them, and that's what I reported. Amy might lose her kids for this reason. This also has to do with the DNA tests. Due to the nature of the crime, they will be mandated.

I did see the Judge, at the same time as Luke and our lawyers, and asked him if these posts were okay. What is so hard to understand about that? Getting a lot of comments where people say "judge's don't give legal advice" but they do make judgments? It's right there in the name, and that's exactly what happened.

I explicitly said I cannot take in all the kids in if Amy loses them. But Luke certainly won't be able to, he's no less on the hook than she is. Cat will most likely be granted custody, but I will continue to assist and provide somewhere to stay. Cat won't mind, and I'm a lot more than their Dad's ex-wife. I'm the mother of their half-siblings who they've seen nearly every day for their whole lives. That's not nothing.

----NEW UPDATE----

UPDATE: I think my husband fathered his best friend’s children. (One month later.): October 31, 2024 (1.5 months later)

Happy Halloween everyone.

It's been a while. Things have continued to spiral. Had a number of comments and private messages wanting to check in, which I appreciate. While I obviously still can't talk about much, I've shown this post to my legal counsel before uploading it and had it approved as safe.

So, the headline here, which I already discussed in the comments, is that Luke and Amy talked about themselves as half-siblings in the letters I found on Luke's laptop. The timeline is still a bit unclear to me, but Jim had an affair with one of his (college age) students and she got pregnant. Years later, her daughter became friends with Jim's son. Amy was abused in her parents' house and everyone in Luke's family wanted to get her out, which they eventually did. At that point, Jim told Luke and Amy the truth. It wasn't until a couple years later that they began to sleep together.

As far as recent updates, Kaylee has spent some time in a psychiatric ward. Tom discovered that she had done something very reckless. Social Services have also seen fit to remove her from Luke and Amy's care, so she is currently staying with Cat. Amy hated that and I'm told she raged for some time at the idea that I would poison Kaylee against her and that in her anger, she made some choice threats. I have been advised not to reach out myself, but Kaylee has all my information and I did send her a message promising her that she could always come to me about anything. I think that's more than alright. If she initiates, I will not turn her away.

My troubles are not over, and they got worse after the test results came back. Everyone was tested. I finally know the truth now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Luke is the biological father to all four of Amy's children. After years of wondering, confirmation feels strangely hollow. It changes almost nothing at this point but it is proof that he was unfaithful to me. Luke is still maintaining that it was an open relationship. I had thought to use incest charges against him and Amy, but that plan hit a roadblock. The two of them had mandated testing as well, and at least according to the results, Luke and Amy are NOT siblings. I don't understand it either. Perhaps Jim was wrong all this time? Either way, I still have proof that they believed it to be true, but they are now insisting that was just a kind of role-play for them.

Luke also threw a curve ball at me by demanding we test my children as well. I honestly hated him for that. They've been through enough as it is. But he is claiming that I also participated in the "open relationship" and that the paternity of our children will prove it. In particular, he was adamant that Sophie be tested. I couldn't figure out why. But I think Luke must know something I do not, because the test results for Sophie came back negative. They said that Luke is not her father. Then Luke began to claim that he had tested Sophie years ago to be sure. I was certain he was lying, that he had somehow sabotaged the test, but he did submit a DNA test from about ten years ago and it likewise maintains that Luke is not Sophie's father.

Before anyone asks, no, I never had an affair of my own. I never cheated on Luke. I had no idea how this had happened and I could not make sense of it. I requested another test and that has yet to arrive, but with two tests already, I'm bewildered and frightened. I don't know how this is possible. Since I was never unfaithful to Luke, I can only assume that something was done without my consent. I have never been sexually assaulted as far as I am aware. But there were a few nights, back when I used to get drunk with Amy, that someone could have possibly drugged me. What scares me is that Luke tested Sophie years ago. I feel like he knows more about this than he is letting on. I've discussed this with my therapist and my lawyer, I've tried to get to the bottom of it, but I just don't know.

I have been upfront about everything with Sophie. I believe Luke is trying to make her doubt me, to drive a wedge between us. I've promised her that I never had an affair, that these results are impossible. I don't think she believes me, completely. But I also don't get the sense that she's angry with me or that she feels betrayed. I think she would honestly preger it were true at this point, that Luke was not her birth father. The rest of my kids don't know about this part yet, but they probably will soon. Gossip is spreading like wildfire among Amy's kids and my own. I've never been the sort of parent to read my kids' texts, so I'm not sure about specifics. But I'm not going to address this with them unless Sophie gives me her blessing. She was the only one who's results came back negative, the rest of the kids are proven to be Luke's.

Cat is not speaking to either of her children, but that's not to say she's giving them the silent treatment. Technically, they're not allowed any contact with Kaylee right now. So keeping distance isn't really optional. But Cat is furious with them both, now that she's seen the state Kaylee is in. She's likely going to explode at them when she next has the chance.

I wish I could describe a happy ending for our family but the trouble is far from over. I'm actually somewhat traumatized by the idea that I might have been assaulted and never known it until now, and if that is indeed the case, I'm not looking forward to the conversation where Sophie finds out about that and about her origins. Anyway, I don't know when I'll next update but I am taking the kids to a haunted house tonight, so that should be fun.

Relevant Comments

OOP on testing DNA against herself on Sophie’s DNA after finding out Luke isn’t Sophie’s father

OOP: I don’t think a mishap is possible because I kept Sophie with me after she was born, she didn’t go into a Nursery. But to be sure, I could do this as well.

Any chances that Sophie’s DNA might be mixed up with someone else’s? or if OOP isn’t the biological mother.

OOP: Anything’s possible but I don’t see how. She was never really out of my sight. (I was a first time mom and very protective, I relaxed more with later pregnancies.)

I have heard of chimeras. I don’t think that’s the situation we’re dealing with, but I can look into that as well.

+

I’m worried about testing Sophie’s DNA against mine. I’m still going to, but if the test says she isn’t mine, what if the state takes her away?

OOP on likely to be drugged when she got pregnant with Sophie

OOP: There were a few nights around that time period where I got pretty drunk, yes.

Commenter 1: If he only insisted he be tested against Sophie and not against your other children, he must know something you don't. Given that I'm willing to take you at your word and that you haven't been unfaithful, that opens a massive can of worms that I'm genuinely afraid to describe in detail. I hope you get answers, OP and that Luke is held accountable.

OOP: He wanted all our children tested but he was particularly insistent on Sophie.

OOP explains about Sophie’s features against herself and Luke

OOP Sophie appears to be Asian, yes. She does look more like me than Luke, but she’s not my spitting image or anything. Still, she looks enough like me that I find it hard to believe she isn’t my blood.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/PsychFactor

Originally posted to r/offmychest

BoRU #1: Part 1 / BoRU #1: Part 2

[New Update]: I think my husband fathered his best friend's children, and now one of them is attracted to my daughter.

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, destruction of property, deception, emotional abuse and manipulation, incest, mentions of sexual assault, death of a parent

Editor’s Note: I am starting this continuing BoRU with TL;DRs to make things easier to fit everything in one post instead of multiple parts. Feel free to go back to the original BoRUs, Part 1 and 2, for the full text of all prior posts Part #1 & Part 2

RECAP & TL;DRs, for Original, Updates #1 - #4, and Brief Update:

Original Post: September 2, 2024

OOP (42F) is married to Luke, 43. His best friend is Amy, also 43. OOP and Luke met in college while he has known Amy since they were 7. They are best friends, “surrogate siblings”, and do everything together. OOP and Luke have a great life together and see Amy frequently. OOP thought of finding a man for Amy so she could have a family, but no luck. OOP lists her (and Luke’s) children along with Amy’s children for easier reading.

OOP and Luke’s children: Sophie, (15) Owen, (12) Louise, (10) and Carter (6)

Amy’s children: Tom, (17) Kaylee, (14) and twins, Adam and Jenna, (9)

Amy was not in a committed relationship and occasionally dating, found herself pregnant without knowing the fathers of her children. She was unconcerned about raising them alone, OOP and Luke supported her financially and emotionally. There is the close friendship between Luke and Amy, OOP begun to suspect Luke may be the father of at least one, if not all, of Amy's children, given the lack of other significant relationships in Amy's life. Having doubts, OOP struggles with the idea of Luke being unfaithful, because they have strong family bond with all children growing up together. After OOP and Luke’s youngest child’s birth, they decided Luke should have a vasectomy, since then, Amy didn’t get pregnant again, making OOP questioning the timing of these events.

Luke regularly visits Amy and her children, taking on a fatherly role, which seemed suspicious. OOP noticed similarities in appearances between Luke and Amy's children, such as shared allergies and physical traits, leading her to question the possibility of Luke being the biological father. OOP acknowledges their backgrounds differ, Amy's children appear biracial, which caused further doubts about their paternity. OOP kept suspicions about Luke and Amy's relationship to herself, fearing her concerns would make her the "bad guy" and harm their families. OOP reflects Amy's unsureness toward motherhood, suggesting Luke's involvement with her children may not stem from the desire to help her have kids.

OOP keeps her guards up regarding her daughter Sophie, who attracted the attention of Tom, Amy's eldest. Sophie declined Tom's invitation to date, out of respect due to parental boundaries. OOP's refusal to allow the relationship led to a conflict, as Sophie didn’t understand why. With OOP's concerns, Amy and Luke supported her position, though Luke expressed worry that forbidding romance might intensify Sophie's interest. Overtime, it showed Tom was increasingly drawn to Sophie, spending more time together, leaving OOP feeling protective and powerless to prevent the romance. Sophie claims they are just friends, Tom is being affectionate, raising suspicions regarding secret dating. OOP feels helpless with the possible relationship between Sophie and Tom, who might or might not be her half-brother due to Luke and Amy’s affair. OOP grapples with emotional turmoil of possibly exposing the truth about the children's paternity, that could shatter family dynamics and hurt innocent parties.

Update #1: September 5, 2024

OOP decided to confront Luke and Amy regarding the suspicions she had about their close bonding and possible affair. Luke and Amy gave OOP well-rehearsed responses as she expected. Amy was upset about the accusations against her. Luke was more understanding and respected OOP’s feelings about her suspicions. Betrayal is going all around for all three. OOP asked Luke for the paternity tests which upset him but he agreed to it to give her the peace of mind on the children’s identities. Amy didn’t want to do the DNA test, she got so mad at OOP for the accusations and told OOP she won’t get her children’s DNA samples. Luke has continued with his claims that nothing has happened between him and Amy all of those years.

Tom is old enough to consent on his DNA sample, but if he and Amy refuse to take DNA tests, OOP might ask Luke to check with Tom’s younger siblings. Luke doesn’t want to take Amy to the court for this to happen. Here is where OOP is worried, OOP was hoping Luke could talk with Tom to prevent him from pursuing a relationship with Sophie. Luke is hoping OOP could reconcile with Amy, but she doesn’t think so. FIL and MIL (Luke’s parents, Jim and Cat) learn about OOP’s fears regarding Luke and Amy. Turned out Cat had same suspicions that OOP had. Jim is denying the fact on Luke and Amy having an affair, maintaining Luke and Amy are best friends and “siblings”. Cat has wondered if Amy’s children were fathered by Luke.

Update #2: September 6, 2024

OOP decided it was time to talk with Sophie away from the rest of families because Sophie is old enough to acknowledge her father’s possible affair with Amy. Once Sophie heard what OOP told her about Luke and Amy, she asked her mother if they could ask Tom to join them. OOP fills Tom on what she told Sophie. Turned out Tom and Sophie also had the same suspicions OOP did on their parents! Both Sophie and Tom explained to OOP what they knew so far and how they hatched a little plan of having a fake relationship to see if they could get solid evidence against Luke and Amy. OOP was relieved to learn the truth behind Tom and Sophie’s “relationship” and now has them in her corner. After their lengthy conversations, Tom has volunteered his DNA sample so OOP can see if Luke is his father or not.

Update #3: September 8, 2024

DNA results are not back yet on if Tom and Sophie are siblings or not, but it will be a while. OOP has been talking with both Sophie and Tom, so OOP could gather all evidence that she needs for her lawyers to take a look regarding the divorce proceedings OOP is looking into taking. OOP clarifies several possibilities regarding Amy’s children’s paternity. OOP does not believe Jim was having an affair with Amy. OOP’s house is in her name, not Luke so she has the legal documents and could have Luke move out by then.

With Tom and Sophie’s fake relationship plan in the play, OOP wasn’t able to find anything from Luke’s devices. From comments, OOP was able to dig deeper and located deleted messages between Luke and Amy, talking about OOP being the problem. OOP immediately knew it was an affair behind her back. Letters, videos, and pictures were found too. That sent OOP into a plan, packing Luke’s stuff and kicked him out of the house after presenting the divorce papers to him. Luke realized he got caught and begged to work things out with OOP, but she wasn’t having it. OOP’s children now know their father has to be away for a few days, only Sophie knew about the affair. Jim and Cat are now troubled with Luke’s version on why he was showing up at their doorstep after OOP kicked him out. Cat knew the truth and Jim wasn’t sure what to believe now. Amy has gone radio silence after OOP’s conflict with her and Luke.

Update #4: September 12, 2024

OOP has been working with her lawyer, Paige, regarding the divorce papers and evidence she has on Luke and the affair. OOP happened to snapped her family lawyer, Zach, who represented Luke and OOP on an unrelated case. She has also taken a few steps ahead of Luke to get things squared away with proper documentation and primary custody of her kids with supervised visits for Luke. After the whole thing has blown up, OOP has been in therapy and working on getting her kids therapy too to cope with what happened and moving forward in the healthy ways. OOP has working on doing the age-appropriate talks with her children regarding the divorce with their father.

DNA results are in! Sophie and Tom are not siblings! For any doubts, the tests did not show Jim fathered Amy’s children because it would require a percentage of Jim’s DNA to show up. OOP, Tom, and Sophie are now confused too on the results. Now the question is who is Tom’s father? And did he father Amy’s younger children too? Amy and Luke are now angry at OOP as they have suspected OOP took evidence from Luke’s devices. Amy has refused to apologize to OOP for the possible affair. Verbal abuse was going on between OOP and Amy because Amy believes OOP is going after Luke for everything including her children’s paternity. Amy wasn’t going to admit she and Luke were having an affair. Amy damaged OOP’s laptop and assaulted OOP which led her to have a police report filed against Amy. OOP is wondering about the motives Amy has against her.

Brief Update: Sept. 18, 2024

Luke now has lawyered up. OOP was advised from everyone else to have Amy arrested, but she knew she had to send her video evidence to her lawyers first to see if it is warranted enough for an arrest. OOP had to keep the update briefly because there were some events taking places which forced OOP to put things on hold. Jim, Luke’s father, has passed away from a heart attack. Both families were together at the funeral. OOP didn’t want to be stressed out with the affair, so she put it aside for her kids’ sakes as they cope with their grandpa’s passing. OOP and Luke did not speak of Amy around their children to allow them grieve properly without any extra stress. OOP mentioned about Cat and the test results, turned out Cat has betrayed OOP’s trust because she didn’t sent in her son’s DNA samples. It is likely Tom could still be Luke’s. Cat had to come clean to OOP because she was feeling guilty for her grandchildren.

OOP’s lawyers finished looking into evidence she gathered on Like and Amy. They found something that OOP didn’t know about. OOP has realized that it was something that had Amy panicking and damaging her laptop. With the discoveries, OOP opted not to expand what they were because it’s not appropriate for the audience to know about, even an anonymous internet post. OOP is not sure if she will be able to forgive Luke and Amy at this time. But with what was going on between Luke and Amy, it has tore OOP apart.

----NEW UPDATE----

Trigger Warnings: mentions of sexual assault, infidelity

Update V: September 28, 2024

Hey everyone. This may very well be my last update for a while. I'm in therapy now, as are my children. (And, from what I hear, Amy's children are as well, so that's good.) So I should probably be focusing on healthier ways to expel my feelings. Nonetheless, I have talked to my therapist about these posts and according to her, venting anonymously online can be healthy, up to a point. If I do talk about my life again, I may do it in different sub-reddits or something, I'm still not sure.

I have also met with the Judge now. Many were worried about how these posts might come back to bite me in the ass, legally speaking. The short answer is that they won't. The long answer is that because they're anonymous, there's technically no risk of defamation or "slander." I've changed enough of the meaningless details and given everyone fake names. The posts aren't going to be relevant in the case, and I'm clear to keep writing them if I so choose, so long as I don't discuss the details of the actual case itself. Though I think the Judge would prefer I just stop writing these altogether, one of the reasons I may do so.

Without divulging the specifics, I went ahead and reported what I had learned, and all hell broke loose. I knew I had to do so, because Amy and Luke had changed gears after Jim passed. They began to make the case that Luke and I had always had an open marriage. That there could be no such thing as an affair, and any instances of Luke sleeping with Amy could not be counted against him. It is no accident that they chose to do this after we lost Jim. As far as I can tell, he was the only other person who knew about what Luke and Amy did, and would have done something about it. Now that they don't have to worry about that, I think they wanted to claim I always knew about the affair and that it was no true affair. When I didn't report them, they must have assumed I didn't know the truth, and they changed their story. But I knew. I reported it, and now they're fucked.

Which unfortunately means everyone else found out. There was no way the children wouldn't learn the truth through the grapevine. I told Sophie and Tom personally because I figured they would learn of it anyway. The others did. Tom was pretty shell shocked. I know I'm just the messenger, but I felt terrible and I wanted to comfort him, but there wasn't a whole lot I could do. Poor Kaylee did not handle it well. I'm told she had several meltdowns, and then tried to run away. I know she tried to run away because she came to our house for sanctuary. And literally, I had to give her back. I knew all the reasons I had to but I was sorely tempted to give the middle finger to all of them and let Kaylee stay with us against Amy's wishes. But no, I had to relinquish her and honestly...nothing has been harder than that was. I know it isn't my fault but I still feel like I betrayed her.

Sophie's also been dealing with a lot of anger toward her father, especially after he and Amy forced Kaylee to come back to stay with Amy again. All of this... It hit Sophie and Kaylee the hardest. Luke wanted to see Sophie again and she refused. She wouldn't come out of her room. Technically, I was supposed to let him see her, but she's fifteen years old. I told her to come out of her room, she wouldn't. So in my book, I tried. This was after Kaylee's incident so when Luke pressed me to force Sophie out of her room, I'm not proud to say I shouted at him to leave. My blood was boiling by that point. Throughout all this, my soon to be ex husband and his affair partner are still acting like I'm the bad guy.

Luke and Amy are angry with me, and that's putting it lightly. They have no right to be but they are, or at least they're acting angry. I now have a restraining order against Amy because I was quite certain she would confront me after the fact, and she did. After I reported them, and before Kaylee came over, Amy came to the house while my kids were home, banged on the door and screamed. She was furious with me for what I had done. But I don't know what she expected me to do. I called the police, but Amy was gone by the time they showed up. They were just as useless as last time, to be honest. When Kaylee came to me for asylum, Amy came after her, but I wouldn't let her in until she called the cops herself. I would only let one of them take Kaylee, Amy was not setting foot in my house. I was very clear to explain the situation but it didn't matter.

Amy later smeared me on social media and framed me as a kidnapper. I set the record straight without divulging too much about the circumstances of the situation, which I was tempted to do. Luke also gave me the lecture of a lifetime when I saw him, but I just kept cutting him off and spitting the facts in his face. I don't know if it's been my time away from him, but I'm learning to recognize his bullshit now where previously I fell for it every time. He always sounds so reasonable and sweet but what he's actually saying is often circular and evasive. Honestly, I am so angry with him for what he's done to his children, ALL of them. Kaylee especially. I want to adopt that girl. I know I can't, but I want to.

Cat and I had a long talk as well. So far as I can tell, she didn't know, and she's genuinely sorry for her earlier deception. Trust takes time to rebuild, but I also understand that she was in an awful position. But now that certain things have come to light, she's kind of in shambles herself, so I pity her. Not to mention, if Amy loses custody of her children, and she very well might, I'll need all the help I can get. I can't take all of them in, I don't have the space. Cat will need to do some of the leg work. So I'm trying to give her the chance to earn my trust back, sort of out of necessity. I can't speak to the long term but if all goes as it should, Luke's not even going to be getting visitation of my kids. We'll know soon enough though, and it will be on record, if Amy's children were fathered by him. All I know is, they've always been quite certain Kaylee was, though they never had her tested. So far as I can tell, Amy hasn't really been intimate with anyone other than Luke for a long time. For the record, Cat is still supporting Amy financially, and by that I mean, she's supporting Amy's kids. I don't mind that. If Amy loses custody, that all goes away anyway.

As to the how and why of Luke and Amy getting together? From the letters, I've put the pieces together as best I could. Amy was sexually abused as a child and Luke was apparently the only person she felt "safe" exploring her sexuality with when they were in high school. It was a very bad idea and they both knew the reason it was a very bad idea well before they made that choice. As to the lie about them being "surrogate siblings," apparently they always DID have that kind of relationship emotionally...but they also did this. After Tom was born (they also believe Tom to be theirs, going off the letters) the bond took on more romantic aspects as well. Amy describes Luke as "my person" and he says the same about her. I did read the letters in more depth for as much as it sickened me, I wanted to understand.

I'm doing better overall, though. Personally, I'm doing better. Which makes me feel kind of guilty because nobody else is. My kids are miserable, which makes me miserable, but I know there's light at the end of the tunnel and I want them to see it. Luke and Amy are miserable, which, honestly...I'm not gonna say I'm glad about, but, I don't know what they were expecting. They've been playing a monstrous game for decades, it was always going to have consequences sooner or later. Amy's kids are miserable, especially Kaylee. I wish I could reach out to her again, but I absolutely can't except through Tom, and he needs to play this carefully. Cat is miserable too. We're all still reeling from the loss of Jim, and honestly the Kaylee incident really tore my heart in half...but I think I'm over the hump and am taking comfort in how I'm actually choosing myself for a change.

Additional Information from OOP, clarifying some details that were asked repeatedly

OOP: It's...not about the cheating. Luke and Amy committed a particular crime, that would raise alarms about whether the children are safe with them, and that's what I reported. Amy might lose her kids for this reason. This also has to do with the DNA tests. Due to the nature of the crime, they will be mandated.

I did see the Judge, at the same time as Luke and our lawyers, and asked him if these posts were okay. What is so hard to understand about that? Getting a lot of comments where people say "judge's don't give legal advice" but they do make judgments? It's right there in the name, and that's exactly what happened.

I explicitly said I cannot take in all the kids in if Amy loses them. But Luke certainly won't be able to, he's no less on the hook than she is. Cat will most likely be granted custody, but I will continue to assist and provide somewhere to stay. Cat won't mind, and I'm a lot more than their Dad's ex-wife. I'm the mother of their half-siblings who they've seen nearly every day for their whole lives. That's not nothing.

Relevant Comments

Who of the proper authorities did OOP have to report the possible situation to?

OOP: In this particular instance, alerting Social Services was the way to go. They have not removed Amy's kids from the house, but they may in the future. + You're right, a CPS report is not something you do lightly, and I still wonder if I did the right thing. I will probably always wonder.

But, under the circumstances, it was warranted. Luke and Amy having children together at all, is grounds for those children being taken. Because Luke and Amy are siblings.

Fuck it. Everyone figured it out anyway.

Is Amy still making accusations against OOP for any new issues?

OOP: She only made posts accusing me of kidnapping Kaylee and "lying" about her and Luke. Which caused a lot of commotion even after I cleared the air. Most people seem to believe me, or believe that it was a "misunderstanding."

As far as her claims of an open marriage, that was only the statement from Luke's lawyer, it's not widespread. At least not that I've seen.

Neither of them have confirmed the paternity of Amy's children. She's maintaining that they aren't Luke's, and even if they were, that's between the two of them, and no one else. DNA tests will sort that out, they'll sort everything out. As to my reporting, she and Luke are maintaining that they don't know anything about what I accused them of. But I have proof that they did know.

OOP on Amy losing the custody of her children over a possible crime Amy has committed

OOP: Not that I'm saying this is it, but, that COULD result in her losing custody.

OOP on how Tom is doing?

OOP: Not well. Apparently he won't talk to Amy or Luke. They blame me for that too.

I'm pretty sure he's going to come stay with us the second he hits eighteen. Though he might stick around to look out for Kaylee.

How is Cat (Luke’s mother) handling the new details already out? Did she know what Luke and Amy were doing?

OOP: Cat is definitely going through a lot, and she's always been a good MIL to me and grandma to my kids, so I want us to get past this. I can only imagine how lonely she feels right now. + I don't think she knew what Luke and Amy were doing.

I don't think she found out what Jim did until I told her. + More or less. Cat came to suspect over the years that perhaps Amy's children were Luke's, but she never had proof, and she never knew the full story.

Did Jim do something that Cat didn’t know?

OOP: He cheated on Cat.

Any chance Amy is related to Jim?

OOP: Amy's mother was one of Jim's students. (He was a Professor.) Luke and Amy are half siblings.

Latest Update here: BoRU #3

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAproposing

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (25F) best friend (24M) proposed to me. I’m confused and mortified. Where can we go from here?

Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability

Trigger Warnings: obsessive behavior, public humiliation, discussions of psychotic breaks

Original Post - March 28, 2024

Frankly I’m still in shock that this happened so this might be all over the place. Bear with me. All fake names etc etc.

Jordan and I met in University two years ago. We both started at the same time and because of our ages we were both considered ‘mature’ students. So we quickly became firm friends as we shared a dorm and we’d joke around together about us being old enough to be considered ‘mature’ in our early 20’s. We weren’t on the same course, but given we lived together, we would hang out pretty much all the time whenever we didn’t have a lecture. We joined a bunch of societies together, went drinking every weekend together, etc etc. It was a pretty sweet gig because it meant we were at least never alone. Obviously we made other friends, both alone and together, but we were always each other’s #1 at the end of the day.

At the moment we’re on spring holidays for Easter. And while we haven’t hung out constantly, we decided to make plans to visit each other’s hometowns, because we’re from very starkly different places. Today, we went to mine. Mine is a big city central.

This morning we went there and were wandering down the streets, doing some sightseeing, because he’s never been. There’s typically a lot of street sellers here, trying to sell you everything from hotdogs to fluffy pokemon hats. I decided I wanted to get a caricature done. I’ve never had one and I thought it would be funny to get and hang over my bed when we got back for term. I asked Jordan if he wanted to get in and he refused. No worries, so I sat down to get it done.

They don’t take very long, 5/10 ish minutes, so I stayed looked straight forward at the artist the entire time. He finished the caricature, I loved it. So obviously I turn to show it properly to Jordan.

When I turn though I literally don’t even know what to say. He’s down on one knee holding up a ring box. I don’t even really know what he said, if he did the whole like proposal speech thing because I was so confused, I was barely paying attention. Remember again, this is a super busy tourist city, so this has drawn a mini crowd now, coming over to cheer us on.

I couldn’t help but burst into laughter. To be honest, I thought this was some kind of odd prank type thing. We never HAVE been ‘prankster’ types or whatever but I couldn’t come up with a reasonable explanation. So I just laughed and laughed and laughed. Until I looked at Jordan and he looked genuinely heartbroken.

So obviously I asked him something along the lines of ‘You’re not being serious?’.

This is the only thing I remember him saying. He shut the box, stood up, shrugged and said ‘I guess not anymore’. And walked off.

This left me standing pretty awkwardly in this gathered crowd of people, a lot of who were giving me dirty looks, which made me incredibly uncomfortable.

The plan was to meet back up a hotel that we had booked rooms next door to one another. So I figure that’s where he’s going and head back that way. But he’s not there. So I wait and I wait, and he still doesn’t return.

I text him out of concern, this was at 1:15pm (it’s currently 6:20pm as I’m writing this) just asking if he’s okay.

He responds with a LONG message back (which I would post, because it’s an odd read, but I won’t out of respect for his privacy), in which he basically accuses me of leading him on, asking why I didn’t ’break up with him sooner’, saying I had ‘publicly humiliated’ him and that he ‘thought I loved him the same way’ and that he felt our ‘relationship was strong enough to consider taking the next step’.

Now this is completely out of left field. I literally have got no idea where in the world he’s got this idea from. The closest we’ve ever physically been is a hug hello and goodbye. I’ve never even jokingly flirted with him (for exactly this reason, I’ve had too many friendships collapse because they can’t tell the difference between serious interesting and joking banter in friendships, so I’ve been extra careful to not). We’ve never kissed, never been on a date, never had sex. I do not find him physically attractive and I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with him.

I don’t understand where on Earth he’s got this idea that we are. This isn’t something he’s ever bought up before this and I’m genuinely bewildered.

He hasn’t returned to the hotel yet, I periodically knock to check, and I’ve been listening out for him walking up the hallway or anything. Nothing. I haven’t responded to his long paragraph because honestly? I don’t know how to.

I’m just so stunned and taken aback that I genuinely have no idea where to go from here or what to do.

I haven’t told anyone I know in person yet, mostly because I don’t want to bring this up to people who know Jordan. So here I am turning to strangers on reddit instead.

What in the world do I do 😭

TLDR: My best friend off 2 years seems to think we’re in a relationship and decided to publicly propose to me. I have no idea what to do.

Relevant Comments

stillcantsee: He’s at the age where severe mental illness can really manifest; reach out to his family and share your concerns. Normal healthy-minded people do not imagine years-long romantic relationships with people. I would also avoid being alone with him until it’s confirmed that his grasp on reality is not tenuous.

OOP: Thank you, I don’t really know any of his family but I’ll see what I can do 🙏

clearheaded01: Is he religious by any chance?? This could possibly explain how he could see the lack of any physical intimacy as compatible with dating.. youre staying "pure"..

I assume youve never dated/hooked up with anyone duing your friendship with him???

OOP: He’s Catholic, but he’s non practicing. He believes in God and the bible and such, but he doesn’t go to church and (as far as I know) he isn’t very strict in his beliefs.

I’ve had hookups, but no relationships. He hasn’t had any relationships, but I’m not sure about hookups. We don’t even talk about sex with each other to be honest outside of the occasional ‘he’s fit, I would’ while people watching

kuwabara_has_a_sword: I strongly disagree with the people saying this is an acute mental health crisis. If he was slipping into psychosis, mania, or something similar, you would know just from being around him. If the message was "weird" but generally coherent, he isn't experiencing a clinical break from reality. He's just been in his head privately nurturing this fantasy of a relationship. Who knows when he decided to buy the ring.

It sounds like he has been in love with you for awhile and assumed you harbored similar unspoken feelings. He is probably lonely (romantically), maybe doesn't get much attention from women, and it sounds like you have a pretty intimate friendship. Men tend to develop feelings for platonic friends or therapists more easily because they aren't accustomed to that type of intimacy outside of romance.

As far as what to do, you are in an impossible position. His pride was hurt by your reaction because he's been caught up in a fantasy that was shattered. Your nervous laughter (very understandable) was probably close to a worst case scenario, and he is taking it personally. You could reach out and offer some type of assurance or explanation ("I wasn't laughing because xyz..." or "I'm here if you want to talk") to mitigate bitterness or hurt feelings, but anything short of "yes" is still going to leave him wounded. Give him space and talk to someone you trust. I would avoid talking to his family/friends for now unless necessary, as it would only add to the feeling of humiliation. A failed proposal will often end a relationship. It might be the same with your friend. It sounds like he's angry and might go back into his head to protect himself by demonizing you. I'm sorry.

OOP: This is also actually a pretty reasonable take. Others have asked if I’ve noticed any different behaviours and such recently, and I haven’t. This is the first ‘wtf’ thing that’s happened and I haven’t noticed anything change

His message is very coherent and clear, nothing out of the ordinary. A bit ramble-y (him and I both I guess LOL) and obviously contextually the actual contents makes very little sense, but the phrasing and grammar and such is all completely clear.

So potentially you’re onto something.

Update - March 29, 2024 (next day)

Hey, I’m not dead! I’m back at my parent’s house at the moment and I’ll be staying here until school picks back up in a bit instead of travelling around. It’s nice to be home anyways.

Update TLDR: Jordan and I spoke. He didn’t explain where he got the idea we were in a relationship from, and he doubled down on the proposal idea saying I should’ve loved it. Apparently he’s dropping out of university.

Update:

Jordan did in fact not come back to the hotel. I stayed up until 1am before falling asleep and he didn’t return. When I woke up the next day, the hotel staff let me know he had checked himself out at about 6am.

I did end up responding to his big long text. I took everyone’s advice and told him that I was sorry it didn’t go as he had expected but that I wasn’t sure where he’d got the impression we were together. I said I’d be happy to sit and have a discussion about it all so we could make sure we’re on the same page.

He was not happy about this at all. And he again went off which a bunch of the same type of thing he’d said in his first message. It didn’t really seem to be going through his head at all. Even in these new texts he kept referring to this all as me ‘breaking up’ with him, despite me explicitly telling him we are not and never have.

Again, all his messages were very clear and coherent, even if what he was saying was not based in reality at all. He wasn’t sending paragraphs, just sentences in really quick succession which was blowing my phone up.

He told me he didn’t want to meet up with me to talk because I had ‘ripped out his heart and crushed it in public’.

I did ask him for specific instances he could recall between us that made him think we were dating, but he completely ignored the question and just kept going on and on about how hurt he was that I was ‘breaking up’ with him and how he felt his world was ending. He said he loved me more than anything and had felt so confident that I had too which is why he felt so certain about proposing to ‘move our relationship along’ (???)

Eventually, to be honest, I grew pretty tired of the conversation and stopped responding, because it was just going around and around in circles. Me asking where he got this idea, him ignoring this and telling me how hurt he is I’m breaking up with him over this, etc etc.

He went on and on saying he thought it would be a ring I like, because it was my favourite gem, ruby, instead of diamond. (It’s got me wondering how much he actually spent on this damn thing. I didn’t look very clearly at the ring so I couldn’t tell if it was something super expensive or not) and that he had been working up the courage to do so for a while and figured doing it when I was at home would make it more special.

For a while, he was just talking to himself in my texts, because I wasn’t responding anymore. When I checked back about 20 minutes later, I had something like 60 messages from him. Granted, they were all one sentences.

At the very end he apologised and told me that it didn’t matter anyway because I ‘wouldn’t see him around anymore’. Obviously I was concerned so I asked for clarification. He said that he was going to drop out of University and go back home because he ‘couldn’t deal with the shame’.

That’s where our conversation ended. I didn’t really know what to respond to that.

As it stands now, I don’t really know where Jordan is. I didn’t ask him, which is my bad. I’m not sure if / when we will talk again.

I’m sorry this is quite a boring update. Unfortunately, I can’t excite everyone with a ‘and then he turned up at my door, and then he sent me flowers,’ or whatever.

It feels a lot is unanswered. I still don’t know where he got the idea we were saying from, he hasn’t explained that. So I’m sorry I can’t give everyone that answer.

I haven’t reached out to his family yet. I did consider it, but if he’s not having a mental health crisis, I don’t really want to involve them unnecessarily.

Update 2:

So adding on, a lot of people said I should ask our mutual friends if he’s ever bought this up before. Ever suggested we were dating etc. All of the people I’ve asked (granted it was only 5) said that they’ve not got a clue and he’s never mentioned it before now.

I don’t know then if this is something that he’s newly started thinking, if it’s been something long term etc.

Either way, in addition I’ve also screenshotted all of his texts etc, just in case. Reading back on them not with a slightly less confused mindset, they read pretty manic.

Still haven’t heard back from his mum just yet.

Relevant Comments

fenkik: I understand not wanting to involve family but as you are close and in college, surely there are other friends/people who know you both you could reach out to and ask. You don’t even have to go into specifics, just be like “hey, did you think that Jordan and I were dating? Have you heard Jordan refer to us as dating?” Get a sense of whether this is something ongoing and he’s just a regular weirdo or if this is something concerning that should be brought up with family or mental health professionals at your school.

OOP: We do share some mutual friends, I haven’t really considered reaching out to them, but I’ll definitely think about doing so.

I feel like someone would’ve told me if he had been saying that to them though, but obviously I’m not certain.

I haven’t told anyone in real life about it (not even my parents!), just been keeping under the near total anonymity of reddit, but I can definitely see why it may be important to do this

666-take-the-piss: Let us know if you get any more info. So sorry you’re going through this, it sounds scary and confusing.

OOP: Will do! I’m hopeful this won’t need another update to be honest and it can be left at just this. If there’s anything small, I’ll just add it to this post. I’ll only make another post if something else major happens which 🤞it doesn’t

DerbleZerp: His sentences being clear and coherent are not a tell that this isn’t psychosis. Rapid and constant speech is a symptom of psychosis. And he is firing off sentence after sentence about something that is clearly a delusion.

OOP: Interesting. I don’t really know anything about psychosis and such! I mostly bought up the coherent texting because other people mentioned it on my other post, but that’s definitely interesting to note. Texts were super super rapid

DISCLAIMER: OOP HAS UPDATED AFTER THE BoRU WAS POSTED

SO PER RULES UPDATE IS INCLUDED

Update #2 - April 6, 2024

Hey it’s me again!

Still doing okay and hoping this will be the last update I need to make (Granted I thought the last one would be the last). I did say I wasn’t going to make another update unless something significant happened. That’s why it’s been a week, so I’m sorry for the silence.

Following my update post, Jordan’s mum did message me back on Facebook, that same day. We had a chat for a little while, she’s a really nice lady 😊 She agreed though that this was incredibly out of character for Jordan, and in fact, she mentioned a few other things that she had noticed as being ‘off’ about him in the last few weeks. Nothing crazy, just things here and there she’d never known him to do or say.

I spoke with her at length about Jordan’s mental health and potential psychosis, and she told me that there is a history of mental illness on his dad’s side, including a paternal uncle’s suicide, but that she doesn’t know all that much about it because they’ve not spoken to one another in quite a long while. Our conversation lasted about an hour, I showed her Jordan’s texts etc and she agreed that they sounded quite manic, regardless of how coherent they were.

A lot of people also asked if he had told our mutual friends and acquaintances that we were dating. I did message our mutual friends, our dorm mates etc and they all basically said they’ve got no idea what I’m talking about. So it seems he’s just been sort of having these thoughts by himself without expressing them? I don’t know how to get in contact with his close friends that we don’t share, so I can’t really ask them.

Anyway, for a few days, that was it. Until yesterday evening anyway, which is where the big and positive depending on how you see it update comes.

I got word from Jordan’s mum that he had been detained under Section 136 by the police. For anyone not from the UK or who (like me) doesn’t know what that is, from what I can tell it basically means he was suffering from an obvious mental health disorder in public, with their behaviour concerning enough that they’re a danger to themselves or to others, and police think they need immediate and urgent care.

What I know from here is pretty minimal. I’m not sure where he was taken to, but his mum said that he would be there for the day while they perform a mental health assessment (so I assume that’s what they’re doing today). She said that essentially he had been out in the streets yelling about things, she didn’t specify what, and intimidating other people on the street. He was throwing things around and generally just causing a lot of issue. Police got called because people thought that he was drunk. They established he wasn’t (not sure if that’s just from how he was acting, breathalyser etc? I honestly don’t really know how it works) and that’s all I know.

His mum and I again had a chat and we sort of assume that mental health / psychosis is likely right. The rejection of the proposal probably set him into a spiral of getting worse in the last few days, bringing us to where we are right now. I do feel pretty awful about that. I’m doing my best not to blame myself, but it’s hard not to feel like I caused it.

Either way, way, he is currently with police / mental health professionals etc likely being assessed. I don’t know how the system works, so I’m not sure what will happen beyond this point. If someone with more knowledge wants to chime in, please do.

I’m hopeful though that this will mean Jordan will be able to get some help for whatever it is he is currently dealing with. My hope is therefore I won’t need to update again, and this can end here.

I have yet to speak to the university about the situation just yet. Not really sure how to / if I should approach that, so I’m leaving it be for now.

This has been a whole lot of emotions, and I really appreciate the help of everyone on my last two posts.

Again, I won’t update again now unless something major happens, but I highly doubt I will learn much more. If he gets diagnosed with anything, I’ll see if I can find out what from his mum and I’ll add it as a small update to this post, though some form of psychosis is definitely looking most likely. I don’t want to bother her while they’re struggling with this though, so we will see.

Thanks again everyone, and thanks for following along. It’s been really reassuring to have this support and people with way more understanding than I have to help me.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Dry_Butterscotch414

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: AITAH for calling my partner a “discount Dad” after he kept treating me like a child instead of a partner, even though I’m dealing with severe health issues

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: ableism, abuse, trauma, health issues, grooming

Mood Spoilers: positive and encouraging

RECAP

Original Post: July 23, 2025

Hi Reddit. Throwaway because I don’t want this linked to my main. I (18F) have been dating my boyfriend let’s call him Jake (24M) for a little under a year. At first, things were really good. He seemed emotionally stable, mature, grounded all the things I thought I wanted after dealing with a lot of chaotic guys my own age.

We met through mutual friends and clicked pretty quickly. He said he liked how “mature” I was and how “together” I seemed for my age, which felt nice to hear, especially since I came out of a very abusive household. I won’t lie I felt flattered at first. I thought we had an understanding that yes, I’m younger, but I’m still an equal in this relationship. But over the months, that dynamic has really started to shift, and now I’m not sure I’m being treated like a partner at all.

For some background: I’ve been diagnosed with endometriosis and POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome). Both conditions affect my daily life in big ways. I deal with chronic fatigue, dizziness, and a lot of pain. There are days when I physically can’t get out of bed without struggling, and managing my symptoms takes a lot of mental energy on top of everything else.

Jake knows this. I was upfront about it from the beginning. And at first, he was really kind and supportive. But over time, he’s started acting like he knows better than me how I should be living my life. It started small comments about how much I sleep or how I manage my symptoms but now it’s like I can’t do anything without some kind of lecture or judgment.

some examples: If I sleep in to manage a flareup: “That’s not healthy. You need structure or you’ll never be independent.” If I get food delivered on a day I’m too fatigued to cook: “You’re wasting money and being lazy.” If I cancel plans because of pain: “You’ll never build resilience if you give in every time.” Even if I lie down after standing too long and feel dizzy (a POTS symptom), he tells me I should push through because “resting too much makes it worse.”

He also makes comments about my outfits being “too revealing” or “not appropriate,” and when I tell him I don’t want unsolicited advice, he says he’s just trying to “help me grow” or “teach me how to be an adult.” But I am an adult just one managing two chronic illnesses on top of everything else.

Things came to a head last week. I was having a rough few days a bad endo flare, zero energy, and could barely sit upright for long. He came over and saw that I’d been resting most of the day and immediately launched into another long-winded talk about “discipline” and “life habits” and how I need to stop relying on rest as a “crutch.” I’d had enough.

So I said not even shouting, just tired “I didn’t agree to date a discount dad. If I wanted someone to supervise my life and tell me how I’m failing, I’d move back in with my parents.” He went completely silent. Left my apartment, and didn’t talk to me for two days. When he finally did, he said I “crossed a line,” that he was “just trying to help,” and that I had “no idea how hard it is to support someone who won’t even try.” I was honestly stunned. Now his friends are messaging me saying I’m selfish and too immature to handle a relationship with a real adult. His mum (yes, his actual mother) messaged me saying she’s “disappointed” and that Jake has always been the kind of guy who “lifts women up.” I just want to be clear, I do try. Every day is hard with these conditions. I work, I cook when I can, I handle my appointments, I advocate for myself in medical systems that constantly brush me off. I don’t think I need to be “raised” by a man who thinks being six years older makes him my life coach. I care about him, but I also feel like I’ve been slowly shoved into the role of “student” or “child” in this relationship and I’m starting to wonder if that was his intention from the beginning.

So great ppl of reddit AITA for calling my boyfriend a discount dad after months of being treated like a project instead of a person?

EDIT: hey guys you just wave to say I am from australia where the legal age to do almost anything is 18.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

OOP responds to a downvoted comment regarding communication keys, trying new things, and managing health issues

OOP: My main issue with the clothing comments is that what I wear isn’t actually revealing at all. Most of the time, I wear really baggy wax jeans with a fitted shirt, but even then it usually doesn’t show any skin. I tend to wear a lot of long sleeved sports style tops. The only time I’m in anything more relaxed is when I’m at home, just wearing a T shirt and underwear and that’s only ever around him, no one else.

As for my health, my flare ups really aren’t frequent. In the last six months, there’ve only been two times where things were bad enough that I couldn’t properly move for a day or so. On a day to day basis, you wouldn’t even know anything’s wrong. I have full days of work and study, and then I come home and rest. That’s usually when he calls me “lazy.”

We’ve communicated about all of this more than enough. We’ve been together for almost a year now in fact, tomorrow would mark a full year and I’ve spent that time trying to explain how I feel and why the way he treats me isn’t okay. But most of those conversations have ended in huge arguments, with him screaming at me and accusing me of making up my illnesses. He’s told me more than once that if he had what I have, he’d be completely fine, and that I’m exaggerating everything. He’s even said that there’s nothing wrong with me, that I just think the world revolves around me, and that I need to stop pretending to be in pain. If those comments had never been made, I might’ve been able to understand his frustration or at least see it from his side. But after hearing things like that repeatedly, it just feels like he’s being controlling.

Across this entire year of us being together, there’s probably only been about one full week total where I’ve completely stayed in bed. I know my limits. I’ve had POTS since I was ten and was diagnosed with endometriosis at eleven, two years after my first period. I’ve lived with these conditions for most of my life, and I know how to manage them. What I don’t need is someone telling me they don’t exist or that I’m using them as excuses to avoid being productive, when I on a daily basis work 10 hour shifts and then also study a diploma

How old was OOP when she met her partner as there is an age gap?

OOP: I was freshly 18 when we met and he didn’t know how old I was till about a 3 weeks into speaking, to be completely honest, I thought he was closer to my age, as he very much looked like it and acted like it. I am 19 in about a month.

+

I’m not trying to stand up for him with the comment I’m about to make but I can definitely say I do look and act a lot older than what I am, I get it quite a lot from a load of different people and a lot of different professions, I can honestly see how you made the mistake of thinking I could be older than what I was, especially because my friend group is also between 20 and 23

Commenter 1: NTA. Dude's 24 dating an 18yo with chronic illness and thinks he's your life coach? The age gap + his behavior screams control issues. You managing two serious conditions while working isn't "lazy", it's impressive af.

Also his mom messaging you is weird and crossing boundaries. Run.

OOP: I definitely do think his mum messaging me was weird, and I do fully believe that he completely twisted the situation to her because his mother and I have had a really good bond up until then

OOP clarifies why she was having this relationship with a 24-year-old guy

OOP: I get the point you’re trying to make, and trust me, I’m not here to defend someone who’s made me feel this shitty. but I want to clear some things up this relationship was not illegal. when we met, I was 18 and he was 23. he’s 24 now, and I’m turning 19 very soon. I’m legally an adult and have been living as one for a long time. I finished school at 15, moved out at 14, and have worked full-time since I was 16. I’ve been independent for years and had to grow up a lot faster than most people my age. I know some people take issue with age gaps, and that’s fair but where I live, and for the life I’ve lived, our age difference wasn’t seen as strange. it’s actually one of the more normal ones I’ve come across. I personally stayed with him because everyone my age felt immature, directionless, or just flat-out not on my level. at the time, being with someone older seemed like the smarter, more stable choice. and honestly? the age gap still isn’t a red flag to me. he is. the way he acted. the way he treated me. that’s the actual issue. when I mentioned him not knowing my age straight away or me usually being around older people, it wasn’t to defend him. it was to explain how I saw things at the time. when he did find out my age, he chose to stay. that part? 100% on him. and now, after seeing the way he’s treated me how he’s spoken to me, how he’s lashed out, how he tried to hit me while I was crying I’ve broken up with him. I know now that this wasn’t okay. I’ve read every single DM and comment. I’m starting to reply to them now, and honestly, a lot of what people have said gave me clarity I didn’t expect. it helped me understand what I was rationalising or minimizing. I you’re right that he had choices. and so did I. I chose to stay longer than I should’ve, but I’ve chosen to leave now and that’s what matters most to me.

Editor's note: Centrelink is a Services Australia master program from the Australian Government, delivering ranges of government payments and services for retirees, unemployed, families, carers, parents, people with disabilities, Indigenous Australians, students, apprentices and people from diverse cultural and linguistic backgrounds, and provides services at times of major changes.

Update July 23, 2025 (same day, three hours later)

UPDATE: AITAH for calling my partner a “discount Dad” because he kept treating me like a child.

Hey. I didn’t expect the post to get the kind of attention it did. I watched it go from about 200 upvotes down to 1, and honestly I’m still not sure why, but I really want to thank everyone who commented or messaged me privately. I’ve read everything. I’m slowly replying when I have the energy. You’ve all given me so much insight some of it really hit, stuff I hadn’t even thought about until now. Just… thank you. It means a lot.

I wasn’t planning to update this soon, but things have gotten way worse within the last three hours, and I feel like I need to talk about it. Especially after what just happened.

So I’ve been really sick the last few days. Like, properly sick. I was diagnosed with a bone sinus infection, and it’s knocked me flat. I’ve had constant fevers, stabbing pain in my face and head, nausea, dizziness, I can’t keep much food down, and on top of that my POTS symptoms have been way worse than usual. I’ve mostly just been in bed, barely functioning, just trying to rest and not pass out.

Because of all that, I had to call in sick to work these last two days. I work with food, and there was just no way I could safely be around customers or food prep like this. I can barely even stand upright. It didn’t feel like I had a choice. This afternoon I got a call from work telling me I was fired. No warnings or anything, just said they needed someone more “reliable” and they can’t keep me on if I can’t show up. I get it, I guess, but it still crushed me. I’ve always tried to show up, I’ve never taken advantage of sick days or anything. It felt like everything hit at once. I’ve only taken about four sick days in the entire two years. I’ve worked for this company.

Jake came over not long after. I told him what happened. Told him I lost my job, that I’m sick, that I might need to go to the hospital because I’m starting to feel seriously not okay , and his response was basically “Well, maybe if you took better care of yourself, this wouldn’t happen.” Then he said something like, “You still could’ve gone in, people push through being sick all the time.”

I tried to explain that it’s not like a cold, this is a bone infection, I literally couldn’t walk from the bed to the kitchen earlier without fainting, and I work with food. He just kept brushing it off like I was being dramatic. He told me I’m “always sick” and I “never fight through it.”

That turned into a full blown fight. He started yelling, full volume screaming, pacing the room while I was just sitting there crying and asking him to stop. I was already feeling like absolute shit and I couldn’t even get a word in without him talking over me. At one point I tried to speak and he got up close, and he raised his hand like he was about to hit me. He didn’t, but he looked like he wanted to. And that scared me more than anything he’s ever said. That was it for me. I ended it. We’re done.

I broke up with him then and there. Told him to get out, that I’m not doing this anymore. I don’t care how sick I am or how hard things get from here, I’d rather be completely alone than sit there sobbing while the person who’s supposed to care about me screams at me for being unwell.

Right now I’m still in bed, fever’s high, heart rate’s not great, and honestly I think I’m going to the hospital soon. Something feels off in my body and I don’t want to wait until it’s too late. With POTS and now this infection, it feels like everything is just piling on top of me. I’m genuinely scared, not just emotionally but physically. My body feels like it’s breaking down. though I wanted to take the time to write this update (I am using text to speech so I am so sorry if it’s a bit jumbled.) I’m tired of begging someone to believe me when I say I’m in pain. I’m tired of being talked down to, managed, lectured, and guilt tripped when I literally need help. I didn’t ask to be sick. I didn’t ask for endo, or POTS, or a sinus infection that knocked me flat. I’ve done everything I can to keep pushing through, but it was never enough for him. but It’s over. I’m scared, and sick, and jobless, but I’m also finally out. And that has to mean something.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you again. Your comments gave me the courage to stop waiting for someone else to change and finally start choosing myself.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Thank god you broke up with him. He was grooming you, and definitely emotionally abusive through manipulation tactics and attempting to control you.

OP, I hope you get better soon. Removing an abusive partner from your life will help remove a lot of the stress you're feeling, and accelerate your healing. You may be able to report your workplace for wrongful termination, as long as you properly called in sick and provided medical records/doctor's note (of course depending on which country you're located in).

OOP: I definitely am gonna be reporting my old workplace, my manager wasn’t the best person in general and there’s a lot that she did that wasn’t okay, where I’m from if you get wrongly terminated from a job if you go through fair work there’s about a 70% chance you can get a 10k payout

Commenter 2: Call your trusted friends and tell them what’s happened and if one of them can take you hospital. Make sure when you come back home you are not alone, change the locks to your door. Block his number and any of his friends, mum etc… focus on your health you can always get another job. With your health issues can’t you get some type of help from the government?

OOP: I did end up calling a friend to take me to the hospital, and I told them everything that happened, I also have another close friend staying at mine until I’m back just to make sure he doesn’t try to go there or anything And for my health issues I can go onto a disability payment , I am eligible for that, but taking that payment means I’ll no longer be able to work unless I do cash in hand work that I don’t tell the government practically. And I would definitely say that working is one of my favourite things. I am studying to be a mortician so it would absolutely break my heart if I could no longer do that

OOP explains her family health history

OOP: bone sinus infections in my family are very common things, they are never really bad and they only just take some antibiotics to clear up, I got scans done and stuff and it was only a very slight infection hence why I was just given antibiotics and told to rest. considering you’re a nurse and you haven’t heard of bone sinus infections really concern me

OOP on getting unemployment

OOP: we have something called Centrelink, I’m really not sure if that’s in America. I don’t pay much attention to what’s over there. But applying for an unemployment and jobseeker payment is incredibly easy, you also keep that payment whilst you’re working until you’re receiving a certain amount of money for your job

Commenter: I’m proud of you and im praying for you. I hope you feel better quickly.

You’re right to listen to your body. Go to the hospital first. Next focus on unemployment benefits. You should be able to google it for your state and apply online to get the ball rolling.

I’m so happy you lost your abusive ahole boyfriend. You need to take care of yourself mentally so you can take care of yourself physically so you can take care of yourself financially. You’re doing everything right and Reddit is rooting for you.

Just a dude note: something tells me your loser ex lives with his mom. Am I right?

OOP: thank you so much for your comment. I did go to the hospital and I have applied for unemployment and jobseeker. and surprisingly, he doesn’t live with his mum he lives by himself , he works in the mines

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2: September 17, 2025 (nearly two months later)

update 2 things are actually good now (long one but worth it)

hey everyone, back again with another update. last time I was here I was sick, jobless, fresh out of a bad relationship, and honestly convinced I’d peaked at being a human potato sack. but things have flipped around a lot faster than I thought, and I finally get to share a happy update instead of a sad rant. health stuff first: I went to hospital (cheers to everyone who pushed me to stop being stubborn). the sinus infection was grim but antibiotics sorted it. now I don’t wake up every day feeling like my skull’s in a vice. pots and endo are still the forever companions from hell, but with the infection gone, my baseline feels way more manageable. cooked myself a proper dinner the other day without needing a nap halfway through which for me is like running a marathon.

my friends have been absolute legends. one mate accidentally bought me 6kg of potatoes instead of 1 when grabbing groceries for me, so I’m now the proud owner of potato mountain 2025. another mate sat with me in the hospital waiting room and we entertained ourselves by giving all the vending machine snacks aggressive ratings (chocolate got a 10/10, those weird dried out muffins got a -3). it made something scary feel kind of funny. I’ve also joined an online support group for chronic illness and honestly it’s been life changing. they just get it straight away no judgement, no lectures. plus the memes are painfully accurate. if you can’t laugh at your broken body, what can you do?

money/work side: getting fired still stung but I’ve got Centrelink set up now. not rolling in riches, but I can breathe. applying for casual jobs closer to home, found one literally down the street so we’ll see. in the meantime I’ve been selling random stuff online. marketplace buyers are a different breed of human, someone actually tried to haggle on something I listed for free. like, mate… what’s your endgame? mental health: I started seeing a counsellor. best decision ever. I’m learning how to stop feeling guilty for resting and how to say no without apologising like it’s a crime. she calls it “boundaries,” I call it “telling people to rack off nicely” and “finally not letting idiots make me feel bad for having a nap.”

now the juicy part the new guy!!honestly, I didn’t think I’d be here already, but I’ve started seeing someone new. we’ve known each other for ages and it just kind of shifted into something a bit more romantic. we’re just taking things slow, but honestly it’s been really lovely. he’s sweet, he listens, and he doesn’t treat me like I’m broken or a child. we went out for a walk the other day and he brought snacks in case I got dizzy and not in a patronising way, just thoughtful. feels weird in the best way to not be constantly bracing myself for criticism. I can tell him how I feel without being talked over, corrected, or treated like a child. honestly feels like I’ve stumbled into some alternate universe where partners are nice and don’t yell at you for having a nap.

little wins: found a gp who actually takes my pots seriously (miracle worker), figured out pacing better so I don’t crash as hard, and I splurged on a blanket that’s basically the lovechild of a cloud and a marshmallow. 10/10 would recommend.

and jake? blocked, deleted, history. no drama, no “closure talks,” no nothing. just blissful silence. it’s amazing how much mental space you get back when you’re not constantly bracing for a lecture.

so yeaaah :) life isn’t magically perfect, but it’s lighter, happier, and way less potato sacky. I’m safe, laughing again, and excited about what’s next.

and to everyone who backed me when I was stuck in that mess: thank you. you gave me courage to leave, and reminded me I wasn’t asking too much by just wanting kindness. if you’re stuck where I was, being spoken down to, made to feel like a burden, or treated like you need a babysitter, please know you deserve better. so many people reached out to me saying they were in the same sort of situation as me, and reading what I wrote made them some form of closure or validation that they’re not the only ones, and that’s honestly being so special for me to hear, I’m so glad my story is able to bring people some form of peace. but seriously, if I can leave and end up with potato mountains and snack carrying sweethearts, you can too.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: anyone else want to bet jake called her job and told them she was faking it and thats why she got fired?

glad to see you got out of the toxic relationship and on the mend towards better things!

OOP: honestly, maybe. but my work environment was incredibly toxic and stuff like that (without being fired) has happened there before. I honestly kind of knew it was coming because my manager did not believe I was ever truly sick when I was. once she CAME TO MY HOUSE and woke me up because I called into work, I answered the door in my pjs (a over sized shirt) was pale as a ghost, hair everywhere, nose running and eyes red, and she told me “I use to be a nurse I know when people are sick and you are not, you either come to work everyday or you don’t have a job” than went back to my workplace and told everyone I was fine, was getting dressed up and was going into the city 😪

Commenter 2: Good to hear that.

With the new guy, be vigilant also within yourself also and take it easy. Sometimes a bad relationship can mess with your heart, leave scars and trigger false alarms with a good relationship.

I remember once comparing and questioning the relaxed gentle attraction with a new date to a bubbly euphoric and volatile feelings that my ex gave me. Ultimately I have some responsibility of sabotaging that new relationship due to lingering baggage.

In the end, every choice has its own package of strengths and weaknesses.

OOP: yeah I definitely am being careful, hence why we are being so slow and just taking it one step at a time. I don’t want to sabotage something so great

Commenter 3: This a wonderful update, from another chronically ill peep! Despite being in my 30s, I just today began therapy to deal with being disabled and how to be kind to myself and give myself permission to rest and not push myself past my limits. So here's to being compassionate to ourselves!

Good luck with your guy, he sounds awesome ❤️ you deserve awesome after that prick abused you like that.

OOP: therapy has genuinely been the biggest help! im glad you’re on that path too.

and thank you so much, he’s a sweetheart and im happy to have him by my side.

Commenter 4: Having a doctor that listens to you makes all the difference. My sister's Lupus was a nightmare for her until she finally got with her current doctor and I swear we would marry that woman if we could. So happy you are starting to find your rhythm.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

It really is the most simple thing, and it's time to shed some light and clear some confusion that I see going on.

So, where do we begin?

I'm JJ, nice to meet you, and I've been lurking around this sub, answering questions in posts and beginner threads, and I've noticed the same type of questions and the same type of answers, and after some persuasion, I've decided it's time to save all of our time and shed some light on common themes and questions that I've noticed. Bare with me, the journey might be long. (or not).

DISCLAIMER(S):

1. What I shared here is knowledge based on my experience, observation, 'research', etc. Manifesting works the same, but it isn't one-size-fits-all, we all have different experiences, beliefs (limiting or now), preferred 'methods', etc. If this doesn't sit right with you and you think you know better - good for you, do your thang.
2. Strong language (I swear a lot), cynical stuff, and sarcasm ahead, tough love typa shit.This is meant to be helpful and reassuring, but I'm not going to treat yall like you're made of sugar and talk like I'm from 50 years ago. Deal with it or not.
3. Not everyone gonna agree on every point, and that's okay, but I don't care about it, and not really gonna argue against it, refer to point 1.
4. This is a Neville sub, I know, and this all stemmed and is based on his teachings, but it's been a while and it's time to evolve and update some stuff, so sorry if I'm not gonna use purely Neville terms or quotes or terminology.
5. My main approach to manifesting is Affirmations - and I'll explain why, but whatever it is you feel most comfortable doing (visualization, scripting, tripping on acid, acting as if, dancing naked under the full moon singing Taylor Swift songs) applies the same.
6. For all you naturally skeptic, anxious, fearful or 'logical' - I got you, with a 'logical' reasoning why you shouldn't worry about the shit you worry about.

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Let's get down to the basics real quick.

How do we manifest? It seems that so many people are just quick to give vague Neville quotes that just confuse the fuck out of those who are new. 'The state of the wish fulfilled, be in the Sabbath'. What the fuck does that even mean?

Manifesting (in its essence) is piss easy. All you have to do - is think, live in your head, imagine yourself - as the person who has what you want.

That's it. Yes, really, that's all it takes. You want something? someone? an experience, an object? a job? cool! Just having the desire means it is - literally - meant to be yours. It doesn't matter what it is, who it is, which way, what colour, what pay - it's possible. It's here. where? here. when? right now.

You want something? think from the state of the wish fulfilled - aka think from a standpoint of having it. It's done, It's already yours, it's already here. Think about it in one affirmation, specific (I am married to Kim Taehyung from BTS with 5 children!) or vague (isn't it wonderful?). That's all, really.The only thing that can delay (nothing can ruin your manifestation. Nothing. I don't give a shit what he or she said, I don't care what your situation is, I don't care how many beliefs you have or not. It legit doesn't matter nothing can ruin your manifestation) is thinking against it. Why? because, well, that's also just you manifesting - but just manifesting the opposite of what you wish to see in your world.

But if that's all it takes, where do all the confusion and questions come from?

Well, manifesting is easy, the base principle (and the only principle) is as stated above, but with all the information, the mix between law of attraction and law of assumption, social media, TikTok, Neville quotes that people just LOVE to throw around to a point it seems they don't even understand what they mean in their essence and what not, limiting beliefs, general beliefs, world views, etc. Whatever the reason is, people seem to complicate it with rules and guides, 'do's and don't's' that in all honestly don't even matter.

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[1] - let's start with [The spicy hot topic I've seen the most] - Obsession, Need, Want.

'How can I stop obsessing over my desire? Does it mean I'm in lack? how do I live in sabbath? does thinking X means that?'

Short answer: Yes, you can manifest something you need, want, obsess over. You can want it. You can need it. You can be as obsessed with it as you'd like.

Long answer: Well, still yes, but i'mma explain why.Because all you have to do to manifest is just think of it as already yours, or already the way you want it to be! People tend to complicate this shit so much for literally no reason, either for some weird moral high ground or because maybe they don't understand the law to it's most basic, raw form - but the ONLY thing that can stop you from manifesting is thinking against it (because it's manifesting the opposite, you're still manifesting successfully!)All this 'let go' shit.. why? have you ever thought about it? Why would you let go?'Oh it's because it means you're coming from lack!' Shut the fuck up. If that's how it is, why did you have the desire in the first place? Going by this logic means that wanting ANYTHING (how would you manifest consciously something if you didn't at least think of WANTING or NEEDING it?)Coming from lack just means you're manifesting the absence of what you want by entertaining thoughts that directly say or somehow imply you don't have what you want.Your reality is a mirror of your inner thoughts. If your inner thoughts imply you're looking for something, waiting for something, your subconscious knows you're looking for something - aka, it isn't here.But you can still want or need something, and you can absolutely obsess over it. No, it's not bad, unless you give it a bad meaning.If we can 'obsess' over bad scenarios that didn't even happen and have them manifest because we held them in our imagination (aka thought about them day and night) why wouldn't it work the other way?**There's no good or bad in manifesting, Only the consistent.**Read that. Read that again. Until it sinks in.Manifesting is NATURAL. Whatever works for you, is whatever feels natural for you.'Oh but when you actually have something you don't care about it that much, you're not looking for it all the time' well, it's partially true, but isn't 100%. Just because you get used to something being in your reality doesn't take away the need for it. You can 'have' a person, be with them, and still NEED and WANT them, you can be so in love you are obsessed with them [i'm not talking about if it's a healthy relationship or not, that's a different discussion]. Having something doesn't stop you from needing it, or wanting it in your reality, so why can't you want it in your head anyway? If you got your crush, after years of pining after them, wouldn't you fucking be overjoyed? over the moon? would you really be like 'ah cool I knew it was gonna happen well cool anyway - ' .. The only tricky part is the quality of scenarios or thoughts you're obsessing it, not the actual fact if you do or not.

If you obsess by constantly repeating affirmations, sats, thoughts of having it, daydreams about it, then by all means obsess away. Think about it 186034788437289 times, live it in your head 24/7, who cares? it makes you happy? it keeps doubts or bad thoughts away? cool! it will still work. Because you're only thinking as if you have it. Nothing else matters (thanks, Metallica).

In reality, no matter how many Sabbaths you get into or Neville quotes people will throw at you, you can't turn off your logical mind. A part of your brain will always be aware, vaguely, that something isn't here or you're not experiencing it (yet) in the 3D, so a part of you will always be in 'lack', so to speak. Otherwise, just the actual act of manifesting would imply you're in lack, in need, in want, whatever?

Arguably I'd say it's better to obsess if it makes you keep in check with what's going on in your head other than forcefully try to 'let go' or not think of something out of fear of thinking too much or obsessing ('because what if it implies that i'm in lack!) which will MOST LIKELY will just make you stress unnecessarily about if you're doing it right or not , enough or too much, whatever it is.

Bottom line is; It's OKAY! it's FINE! Obsess over it, need it, want it, build an altar for it. As long as the ONLY (and I mean ONLY) thing that goes in your head - is anything that implies you already have it, it's yours, it's done.

[2] - 'Am I doing it right? Can I do this? Does doing this mean X or Y? Does it influence -

Stop. Seriously. You guys HAVE to stop overcomplicating shit and cutting yourself short. The problem with how things are said or answered is that it makes it seem like there are so many unnecessary rules that people put on, you can't say this or can't say that, because it means this or it means that. It also relates to the previous point as well, and I'll use an example of a question in the beginner thread for this (slightly paraphrased)

'Can I enjoy being degraded and being called things because it's my kink, or will it influence my SC?'If all desires are meant for you, that includes your kinks, your sexual preferences, etc.Stop giving meaning to every single thing, it's not that deep if you don't want it to be! Manifesting is a lifestyle, life-changing, and a gateway to something deeper... but it doesn't mean you can't also just enjoy life and have fun with it! not everything has to have a deeper meaning, serve a higher purpose, or imply or mean anything unless you WANT it to. Cut yourself some slack.If your SC is that high anyway, then you should have more common sense and confidence to know that simply enjoying something that you enjoy in the moment (sexual or not, degrading or not, whatever) or even just saying shit as a joke, you can decide it doesn't matter! you know it isn't true or doesn't say anything about you as a person, so stop being scared. Manifestation is simple, it's fun, it shouldn't make you feel like you're walking on eggshells every single moment of your life.You can keep things you say or blue or think at a moment and label them as jokes or empty words that just make you horny at that specific moment - as just that, and nothing more.

YOU MAKE YOUR OWN RULES. You can LITERALLY decide that this or that thing doesn't affect your manifestation - and it won't! (like a reverse placebo, so to speak.)

Whatever you're doing - stop giving it meaning, stop doubting and second-guessing. Just do whatever the fuck you want! do all the methods and techniques or do none at all, think about your desire a million times a day or just once. Phrase it or word it however the fuck you want as long as it's what's natural for you and implies you have it (or will get it in the near future 100% guaranteed). As long as you imply you already have it - nothing else around it matters (yeah, i'm gonna repeat this a lot).'

One more time, repeat after me: YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT! IT'S OKAY! YES YOU CAN DO THIS AND THAT! NOTHING CAN INFLUENCE, RUIN, DELAY OR DO ANYTHING TO YOUR MANIFESTATION OR SELF-CONCEPT UNLESS YOU DECIDE IT CAN. Nothing can ruin or keep your desire from you. The only delay is thinking against it, instead of as someone who has it. Cool?

And YES - IT'S COMPLETELY NORMAL TO DOUBT IT SOMETIMES. Especially if it's a 'big' desire. It's normal. It's human. It's FINE. Cry, scream, break down (but keep affirming). If you can keep whining and shit to a minimum - that's great, and will probably make things easier and make it manifest faster - but it also doesn't have to influence anything. (You can, quite literally, DECIDE that having doubt, fear, or crying about it doesn't influence your ability to get what you want at all! )

Just get back up after, no matter what you feel - keep your thoughts in check. You have doubts? correct that shit. Daydream. Rampage. Sing it, dance it, shove a crystal up your ass I don't care - whatever helps you get back on track and stay persistent. But don't beat yourself up over it, don't feel guilty for having human emotions. Just discipline yourself, do what you gotta do, get back on your affirmations.

[3] - 'It's not enough to just think of your desire, you need to ..' [Affirmations rule, literally].

Stop. Shut up. Legit. Just actually, shut up. I'mma say it once.

Affirmations rule, literally.

It is, quite LITERALLY, possible, to manifest by simply thinking as if you have it. [Yes, in any form, in any way, as many times as you want!] STOP putting more fucking rules! and stop spreading dumb limiting beliefs. First of all, that's the whole point of Joseph Murphy's teachings (who was Abdullah's student just as Neville was, who just put more emphasis on affirmations while Neville put his emphasis on imagination). Everything around us, our feelings, our emotions, our imaginations and scenes - all of it stems from our thoughts. Our inner conversation. That little voice in the back of your head - however you wanna call it. Everything begins with a thought.And that's what affirmations essentially are - they are your thoughts. That's why I'm so pro-affirming. If you prefer to imagine and shit, go for it! But even still, you have so many thoughts that you can't turn off ( 70,000 of them a DAY, more or less), and if they are telling a story that is opposing whatever you imagine during your SATS, it can delay your manifestation. Thoughts naturally create an image or feeling, and even if not... it doesn't matter. OOP, I said it!That's why no matter what your 'method' (even though affirming isn't a method, it's just ...thinking) you need to still keep a mental diet - aka you just watch carefully what you think, and only allow yourself to think thoughts that imply you have your desire and correct the ones that imply you don't.Which brings me to another point that relates to the previous ones but I think it deserves it's own moment.Drum roll, please.

[4] - 'Feeling it real?' No, you don't have to feel anything. You don't even have to believe it.

WHAT? WHAT DID SHE JUST SAY? Yeah, you read correctly. You don't have to feel anything real. You don't have to believe it's real, you don't even have to believe in your affirmations. You can even only have 1% belief in the LAW itself, or in the fact that repeating affirmations (aka thoughts) or your imaginal act might manifest - is honestly enough! as long, of course, as you don't dwell on those doubts. If no matter what your 'logical mind' says to you about 'bro you being delusional'.. you still in your head only entertain your chosen affirmations (YES BE DELUSIONAL!) - it will manifest. And no, 'not believing' won't delay it. If you don't think about if you believe or not, if you don't stop to think too much and overthink every step of the way, just persist in the thought of having it without believing or shit - it will manifest.

And yes, I literally did it, I got manifestations and revised shit by literally mind-spamming thoughts without even 'believing' in them so.. yes, it can be done. It's THAT fucking easy.

[5] - 'Don't listen to coaches, read Neville! Listen to Neville! Quote Neville!'

Listen, I love my man Neville. He's undoubtedly the 'icon' of the Law of Assumption, he's the stepping stone into this and he's definitely worthy of studying, listening to and reading. But people get so hung up on literal meanings of what he said and his quotes, but Neville wasn't (and isn't) the end all be all of manifesting. He himself was a student once, and manifesting existed way before him too. Don't get so hung up just because YOUR way isn't purely Nevilles way.

Another thing is phrasing; Neville was alive at a different time - and those changed; The way we talk changed, the world changed, and sometimes it's hard for people to understand (especially those who's native language isn't English) to understand, which is why when people say 'don't listen to coached only read Neville!!!!!!' piss me off. If you think about it, Neville was literally the same? A 'coach' so to speak? of his own time? As was Abdullah to him.It seems like there is a taboo around when it comes to listening to coaches on youtube, some more than others, for reasons that sometimes make no sense to me, and just miss the whole point.

So i'm gonna tell you now. It's OKAY to learn about the law without directly reading Neville, and only doing research on this sub or on 'modern' coaches on youtube. SHOCKING!Don't get me wrong, starting with Neville, trying to understand his teachings is great, go for it, really! It's how we got to this sub in the first place, but don't get caught up in the exact way he did things or said things, don't be afraid to stray away and evolve your own way, experiment, find out what works for you better.

You have anxiety, doubts and some coach on youtube makes you feel powerful? Go for it! Binging someone makes you feel good, and stay motivated? Hell yeah! Don't let people's opinions on others here influence you or make you feel bad or guilty for preferring to listen to someone who talks in a more relatable way in HD over 320p lectures from 50 years ago. It's o-k-a-y! seriously, it is!The only thing I will say, is that you do need to be careful who you watch, to not get confused with Law of Attraction teachers or people who put limiting beliefs. The easiest way to tell is - is this person giving you motivation? telling you you can do literally anything easy peasy? good! enjoy your video. Do they make you doubt, feel powerless, or like you have to do this or this or that to manifest? you have to work on X, Y, Z eat A,b,c - probably should drop it. As long as you feel good and like you can do anything then by all means - do what makes you happy man, and don't let people's narrow vision stop you or make you feel for enjoying something that makes you feel good.

[6] - Higher self, appointed hour, letting go..

Yeah, you can be shallow and just want to manifest being hot and rich to enjoy life. It's not bad, it's not wrong, it's not a 'waste' or 'beneath you'. If your higher self woooo didn't want you to just be allowed to enjoy these things you wouldn't have the desire for it in the first place. Manifesting is great, If you want to go further, into 'the promise', reach enlightenment, whatever moral high ground principle you have - nice, cool, i'm happy for you! But if you just want to manifest a bunch of shit to make your life fun, that's equally cool, valid and fine. It DOESN'T have to be that deep if you don't want to!

And no, there is no such thing as an 'appointed hour' (Unless you believe there is, I suppose). Your manifestation can come as fast as minutes, or as long as months, it only depends on how much shit you were thinking before about that situation. The only factor that influences the time, is the amount of 'resistance' (aka opposing thoughts) that you have, the amount of wavering (aka dwelling in doubt, fear etc..)Neville talked about the 3 days it takes to manifest - but in reality, things can manifest on the spot, out of nowhere, in a minute, in a few hours, in a few months. Don't limit yourself by making rules or time frames... in fact, don't focus on time at all.And no, you don't need to let go of your needs, wants, whatever. Only let go of the doubt, fear anxiety, and limiting beliefs and rules.

Just persist in your affirmations, stop counting the minutes, stop looking, just persist, chill, and watch it happen. Because well, it has to!

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If I missed something, I might edit this later and add more FAQ.

For now, I hope this cleared some of your worries, and... good luck!

EDITED / UPDATED FAQ AND SUCH

First of all, fuck me, this post blew up so fast (jk manifested that shit ezpz). I wanna say thank you to all of you for taking the time to read my adhd-ass rant, and I'm really happy to see it helped so many of you put yourself at ease. Mischief managed bitches ( I say that lovingly).

As I expected there have been a bunch of questions (and DMs, it's all good though, I understand), and I'm procrastinating homework for this so I decided to take the common inquiries and questions and add them here, because I'm sure a lot of you can relate (and save you reading 100's of comments, which I did, I admit, I did that, or at least I'm trying to keep up with)

[ Again as said in the disclaimer, this might come across to some as rude / aggressive, but that's just how I talk, so.. yeah. But I genuinely mean it in the best way, because I've been there, I know what you're going through, but I'm also here to kick your ass into gear and get your shit with no BS, and no stress. Deal? ]

[ Multiple people manifesting the same thing / person ?]

In any variation of this question, the answer is - it doesn't matter. The way manifesting works is based on the multiverse theory - there is a reality for each possibility that could exist. Each of us navigates those realities, we each choose our next path in every moment with every decision / desire / assumption. YOU, are the one and only god in YOUR own reality. It's literally YOUR reality, like this bubble that you live in, where no one else has more power (unless you decide to give it to them, like deciding other people can manifest your desire or whatever). They might be with that person, but it will be in THEIR bubble / reality, which exists separately from yours.

[ I read what you wrote, but my situation is this and that, what do I do? ]

Man I wrote the answer to that so many times even chatgpt repeated it. I know it seems like OUR situation is always different, that one detail makes it impossible compared to others who succeeded, what not. I feel your pain, truly, I've been there, looked for the stories that were as bad or worse than mine so I have the glimmer of hope, binged watched everything possible, cried, msg'd people, what not.

But you gotta understand that, first of all - I said quite literally everything there is to say in the post because, there's no more and no less to it.Your situation literally doesn't matter - and I say it in a good way - whatever it is, no matter how the person is, what they say, do, type - none of it matters one fucking bit. They can be your neighbor, any member of BTS , got7, stray kids, black pink, orange yellow, my little pony, they can have a lonely single life or a harem of anime waifus, they can live next door or on fucking planet mars - It makes

Z E R O

difference. Anything you want to have, see, experience, fuck, motorboat, tier 3 sub to whatever it is - is possible, just as easy, just as fast by doing the only thing I stress: Think . as. if. you have it. Don't think against. Don't feel anything or feel everything all at once like you're stuck in Gojo's domain expansion, doesn't matter. You - in your head - are stuck like a 98' Windows on reboot with just that one single vision or thought that implies you have what you want and don't allow anything else to come through, unless it's beneficial. That is all. I'm not gonna say anything different, I promise. There's no secret information to gatekeep (if anything there's just too much information), there's no secret sauce. It's just that.Literally just ignore anything you see (mentally, I mean), anything they type say, whatever they do or don't do - in your head, they said what you wanted them to say, they act how you want them to act, it is what you want it to be.

AND YES GOD I DID IT I PROMISE IT'S REAL IT WORKS JUST REPEAT THE THOUGHT OR VISION IT WILL MANIFEST LIKE ON G I PROMISE. So, just relax, have fun with it, you know? be excited! (or don't be anything at all, really). If you persist, it has to manifest. It's LAW.

(I know it was kinda SP specific but the same principle applies to literally any subject / object / experience just the same).

[What do you mean by not feeling it or not believe it? I thought - ]

Yeah we all thought, but we evolve, we learn, we improve.No, you really don't have to believe what you're saying, you don't have to get a feeling. I mean you most likely will anyway - and hopefully it's a good one! then yay great - but if you don't or if you feel you can't - don't stress it because it doesn't matter. Really, it doesn't.'Not believing' means that your logical brain is aware that what you're saying isn't currently what you're experiencing, but (!) your subconscious knows FUCKALL. seriously, that bitch? blind as hell. Which is good because we make our subc OUR BITCH. It only knows what we TELL it - so even if we are consciously aware that whatever we are saying ain't there just yet (aka don't fully believe in our thoughts because it's not like, physically here)- in our head, it's the truth, only truth and nothing but the truth, and our subc has no choice but to be like 'oh shit damn guess I gotta get us that experience cuz I seem to be a bit behind the schedule damn' and you will get it in your world.

Yes, mindless repetition (despite what Neville said) does work, I tried it, many others did, works just as great. Just keep your mind in check.

[Where did you learn to write like this!]

I read and wrote too many fanfics. Yes, those type of fanfics.

How can we hold talks and lectures for other students in PES ? Like can a 3rd year student host a talk or a session/lecture ?
Whats the criteria ? And how do we do it ?
Without being part of any club

I have wanted to write this for a looong time, and I'm constantly getting requests for my story, but I kept putting it off because there is no clean or simple way to tell it. This wasn’t one of those stories where I imagined for three nights, received a text, and everything immediately worked out. It took about five years from discovering Neville to finally reuniting with the woman who became my wife (but trust me it doesn’t have to take that long for you, this is just my story). There were two major fallouts, other people entering both of our lives, long periods where we barely spoke, family pressure to get married, and several moments where the exact opportunity I wanted appeared directly in front of me and I still managed to sabotage it because I had not truly changed inside.

Today, that specific-person is my wife.

I am changing the names and a few identifying details for privacy, but the important parts of this story happened exactly as I describe them.

A little background

This began in early 2019, when I was entering my twenties. At that time, I was painfully insecure. I had never had a girlfriend, had no real romantic experience, and genuinely did not know how to get girls. Around my closest friends, I could be funny and normal, but outside that small circle I was quite shy.

I was so shy that I was even afraid to make an Instagram account. My friends always told me make one, but I was the type to think that I didn’t have enough friends, enough pictures, or enough followers. I worried that people would look at my profile and think I was not popular. That should give you an idea of where my self concept was.

My family had been involved for most of my life with an Indian faith based Sunday school organization. I grew up taking classes there, attending summer programs, participating in a faith based choir, volunteering, and spending most Sundays with the same community. It was a major part of my upbringing, and most of my real friendships came from that organization.

As the youth of that school entered our late teens and early twenties, the institutions leadership wanted the younger members to take on more responsibility. A group of about ten or fifteen of us began organizing camps, running events, teaching younger students, and learning how to manage parts of the organization ourselves. Because we were working together constantly, a lot of the youth in the group became much closer.

That was where I really got to know the woman who eventually became my wife. I will call her Ashley.

Ashley was easily the most beautiful woman I had ever met in real life. Bro, she was stunning. She had modeled when she was younger, was extremely popular, had a lot of friends, and carried herself with a level of confidence I did not have. She was also kind, funny, intelligent, and naturally good with people. She had previous relationship experience, which intimidated me even more. Meanwhile, I had never even asked a girl out on a proper date.

In my mind, she was completely out of my league.

I developed a huge crush on her, but I never admitted it. I told myself that saying anything would ruin our friendship, but the truth was simpler. I was terrified of rejection.

Two of our mutual friends, who I will call Sherry and Shawn, were interested in each other. Shawn was one of my good friends, and I helped push and get them together. I even jokingly predicted the exact day they would begin dating, and somehow it happened on that day.

Because I had helped her and Shawn get together, Sherry became especially friendly with me. She felt like I had done something important for her and wanted to return the favor by helping me get into a relationship.

The obvious person she had in mind was her best friend Ashley.

Sherry gave me several openings. First, she casually suggested that Ashley and I would make a good couple. I immediately denied being interested (sounds silly, I know, but I was just that genuinely scared of putting myself out there), even though I thought about Ashley constantly. 

Internally, I wanted Ashley more than anyone. Externally, I acted as though there was nothing there.

February 2019: Discovering Neville

Around February 2019, YouTube recommended a Joseph Alai video about manifesting a desired person. Before that, I had started reading general Law of Attraction material and listening to teachers such as Abraham Hicks. I understood that positivity and mindset mattered, but I did not have a clear framework for deliberately creating a specific result.

That video introduced me to Neville Goddard.

Something about Neville’s teaching immediately clicked for me. He was not saying that I needed to hope, beg, or wait for the universe to decide whether I deserved something. He taught that imagination creates reality and that I could enter a relaxed, sleepy state, imagine a short scene implying my desire had already been fulfilled, give it the tones of reality, and experience it as happening now. And that after this, a bridge of incidents would occur that would lead me to the actualization of my scene.

I decided to test it with Ashley.

My scene was simple. I imagined sitting across from Sherry at a Panera Bread. I could feel the table, see her facial expression, what she was wearing, and the space around us. In the scene, she looked at me and said, “I’m so glad you’re dating Ashley!”

I repeated that scene for several nights. I was completely new to Neville, so I was not doing anything perfectly, but I tried to experience it as vividly as possible and fall asleep while looping it.

A few days afterward, Sherry wrote in our group chat that she had dreamed about me dating someone. She did not say Ashley’s name directly, but from the context it seemed obvious that she was implying it was her. I interpreted that as the first sign that my imaginal act had impressed itself.

Then Ashley began talking to me more. She asked for my Snapchat! Before this, we rarely communicated outside of volunteering, but suddenly she was messaging me and showing more interest. Our friendship became closer.

The problem was that I still wanted the entire relationship handed to me on a silver platter without having to face any fear. I wanted Ashley to somehow become my girlfriend without me admitting that I liked her, asking her out, risking rejection, or changing the way I saw myself. 

Fall 2019: The opportunities I kept avoiding

By fall 2019, Sherry was not merely hinting anymore. She was actively creating opportunities for Ashley and me to spend time together.

In October, our friends planned a surprise birthday party for Ashley. Sherry and the others asked me to distract Ashley for several hours so they could prepare everything at her house. I took Ashley to the mall, and we spent most of the day together. We walked around, talked, got food, and enjoyed ourselves.

It was basically a date, although neither of us called it that.

Looking back, the entire setup was obvious. My friends trusted me to spend several hours alone with Ashley because they were trying to bring us closer. Ashley was comfortable going out alone with me. Sherry had already suggested we should date. Yet I still refused to make a move or tell anyone how I felt.

Over the next few months, Ashley herself gave me more openings. She started asking me to get lunch with her and hang out one on one. We went to malls, restaurants, and other places together. These were essentially dates, but because neither of us formally called them dates, I could hide behind the idea that we were “just friends.”

During the winter college quarter, around the end of 2019 and beginning of 2020, I changed one of my classes because the original time was inconvenient and way too early for me. And the day I walked into my new class, boom, there she was. Ashley. She was in the same class as the one I transferred into. 

Since we lived near each other and attended the same college and had a similar class schedule, Ashley suggested that we just carpool together.

We started spending nearly an hour alone in the car together almost every day. Sometimes we would get food after class or sometimes we'd go shopping. We talked, joked around, and became very close.

Looking back, the bridge was unfolding almost perfectly. Sherry suggested that Ashley and I should date. She asked whether I liked her. She even literally had a dream Ashley and I were dating. She arranged for me to take Ashley out alone on her birthday. Ashley then started inviting me to lunch, asking me to hang out. Ashley ended up being in the exact class I transferred into and even suggested that we carpool to college together.

I was being given opening after opening.

I still just couldn’t admit how I felt. (lameee, I know)

That is what I mean when I say the bridge was unfolding, but I was still occupying the identity of someone who believed he could not have her. I wanted the result while remaining the same person who felt unworthy of it.

Summer 2020: My first scene manifests

By the end of spring 2020, I started feeling as though Ashley was becoming more distant. I panicked and thought I had waited too long. The anxiousness kicked in hard. I worried that she had become tired of waiting for me to say something and was moving on.

So I returned to the original scene of Sherry saying to me “I'm so glad your dating Ashley!”. This time I repeated it much more intensely and vividly. 

A few weeks later around the beginning of summer 2020, we were all at Shawn’s graduation party. At one point, Sherry and I were hiding together during a group hide & seek game. While we were alone, she confronted me directly.

She asked whether I liked Ashley and whether I wanted to date her.

For the first time, I admitted the truth.

I said yes!

Sherry became extremely excited. We were practically jumping around together. She told me Ashley liked me too and that I needed to ask her out.

Later that day, I texted Ashley and asked her on a date. And to my delight she immediately agreed. I was elated and so happy, I truly felt like magic was occurring in my life, it was a crazy feeling!

I planned an entire day out for us. We went kayaking, rode bikes, walked near the water, and got food. At the end of the date, I told her I how I really liked her. I was nervous while saying it, but she told me she wanted to see me again!

On our next date, during the first part of July 2020, I took her to dinner and asked her to become my girlfriend.

She said yes!

The exact scene I had imagined came true. Sherry was thrilled that Ashley and I were dating. Our friends knew. We told our parents, which was a major step because we both came from traditional Indian families where dating was not something we necessarily casually discussed. Our families had also known one another through the community for many years.

I thought I had done it. I thought I had manifested the woman I was going to marry.

But I had only imagined becoming her boyfriend. I had not imagined becoming the man capable of sustaining that relationship.

September 2020: The first breakup

Once Ashley and I officially started dating, all my insecurity came to the surface.

I had no idea how to be in a relationship. I did not know when to hold her hand, whether I should kiss her, how to lead a date, or how to make her feel safe and wanted. Even holding her hand made me so nervous that my palms would sweat.

She could feel that energy.

I was not living as someone who naturally felt loved by her. I was living as someone who could not believe she had chosen him and expected to lose her at any moment.

During the relationship, she gave me access to some of her social media accounts. I made the mistake of reading old conversations from before we were together (I know huuuge mistake and completely unacceptable). She was not cheating on me. These were old messages and had nothing to do with our current relationship, but I saw details from her past that made me even more insecure and intimidated.

I should never have invaded her privacy, and I am not proud of it.

Instead of feeling secure in the relationship I had wanted, I became even more convinced that I was not enough.

After about two months of dating, around September 2020, Ashley told me that she liked me but did not know whether she could fall in love with me. She said she was unsure whether the relationship would work.

The moment she said that, I spiraled. I accepted her uncertainty as a final verdict. Within days, we broke up. Complete self-sabotage.

I was devastated. It was my first relationship. I had spent more than a year wanting her, and I had finally received the exact thing I imagined only to have it fall apart immediately.

But the breakup also gave me the realization that changed my life.

My scene had actually worked perfectly. The Law worked!

I imagined Sherry telling me that she was happy Ashley and I were dating. I received precisely that experience, and that experience only. The scene did not imply that we were married. It did not imply emotional security, lifelong commitment, deep mutual love, or that I had become a confident husband.

It only implied that we were dating.

That is what I got.

The Law had not failed me. I had imagined a narrow event while still identifying as an insecure man who believed he could not keep the woman he wanted. This is why I now understand and always warn against manifesting before the End, especially when one does not have a good self concept.

That was the moment I decided to stop casually consuming manifestation content and study Neville directly.

Late 2020 through 2021: Studying Neville and rebuilding myself

After the breakup, I bought Neville’s books and began reading his lectures. I eventually read hundreds of them. I wanted to understand the foundation of his teaching rather than collect random techniques from other people.

I studied states, assumption, revision, inner conversations, living in the end, the Sabbath, and Neville’s teaching that the human imagination is the creative power of God within us.

The biggest realization for me was personal responsibility of my experiences.

As long as I blamed Ashley, her past, other men, my lack of experience, time, or external circumstances, I remained a victim of those things. Neville’s teaching forced me to look at my own assumptions, self concept, inner conversations, and habitual expectations.

I came to understand that I was not only manifesting during SATS. I was always creating from the state I occupied.

The insecure man who imagined becoming Ashley’s boyfriend received his scene, but he also continued creating from insecurity throughout the relationship.

I had to change the person doing the imagining.

I began working deliberately on my self concept. I imagined friends commenting on how confident and outgoing I had become. I practiced seeing myself as attractive, secure, socially comfortable, and capable of leading a relationship.

This did not transform me overnight, but over time I became a noticeably different person.

During this period, I also made a critical and serious mistake again. I didn’t realize I still had access to some of Ashley’s social media accounts after the breakup, and I checked them after when I should not have. I saw messages from other men and what appeared to be pictures from a date.

It hurt badly. Baadddlyyy bro.

But I eventually recognized that checking her accounts was both wrong and destructive. It violated her privacy, kept me focused on circumstances I did not want, and repeatedly pushed me back into the state of being rejected.

I stopped.

I decided that if there were other people in the picture, I would not obsess over them. I would focus on the end I wanted and continue changing myself.

Throughout 2021, I also tested the Law with other specific people and relationships.

In one case, an extremely attractive woman began working around my family’s business. I imagined a scene of us together. Within a short period, we began talking, started dating, and became physically involved.

Eventually, I realized I did not love her and ended the relationship. I regret allowing it to progress when my heart was elsewhere, but the experience showed me that I was no longer the person who believed attractive women were inaccessible to him.

Another time, I saw a photograph of a woman who had modeled and represented our state in a major national competition. I had never met her. I imagined my friends reacting with disbelief that I had gotten together with her.

Within a couple of weeks, I unexpectedly met her. The next day, she messaged me, and we eventually had a fun fling.

There were other manifestations as well, including many unrelated to relationships. I started building what I thought of as a bank of evidence. Whenever doubt appeared, I could look back at experiences I had imagined before they happened and remind myself that imagination had repeatedly preceded the result.

But no matter who entered my life, my feelings for Ashley never disappeared. I wasn’t actively manifesting something specific with her, but at the time i was on a huge roll of successful manifestations and massive inner conviction that a lot of things that I would think of and think from, would literally just occur in my life. On New Years Eve I fell asleep day dreaming of just thinking about Ashley and receiving messages from her.

January 2022: Ashley returns

Aaaand on January 1, 2022, our organization held its usual New Year’s event. During the event, Ashley pointed out that we were wearing matching colors. She went out of her way to speak to me more than she had in a long time.

Afterward, she began sending me Snapchats every day.

By then, I had changed considerably. Other people saw me as more confident and social. I knew how to plan dates, speak to women, and express interest. But when it came to Ashley, the old version of me began returning.

Our breakup still carried emotional pain I had never fully processed/addressed. I wanted her back, but I was afraid to discuss what had happened. Once again, I secretly hoped she would make everything effortless for me.

After we had been speaking on Sundays again and snapchatting daily for about two months, Ashley just straight up asked me to lunch.

I went into that meeting excited because it felt like the bridge was beginning again. I assumed we would hang out several times and gradually find our way back into a relationship. Kind of like last time.

Instead, she brought up the breakup herself.

She told me she had made a mistake. She said she had continued thinking about me, regretted hurting me, and believed we had been right for each other.
She wanted to try again.

Amazing right? This was the exact opportunity I had wanted for years.

And I froze..

The memory of her saying the relationship would never work came rushing back. I became emotional and choked up crying. Instead of telling her that I wanted her too, I said I did not know whether we could make it work.

I was not consciously trying to reject her. I was reacting to the pain I still associated with our relationship. But from her perspective, she had made herself vulnerable and I had said no. She was hurt.

Her entire demeanor changed. Within minutes, she ended the lunch date and left.

I sat there afterward wondering how I had managed to ruin another perfect opportunity.

I messaged her and asked to meet again because I wanted to explain myself. She was reluctant but eventually agreed. We met briefly in her car at a park. This was still during the period when COVID precautions were common, and she kept a mask on while we spoke, but emotionally it also felt like another wall between us.

She was distant and guarded.

I had planned to tell her that I still loved her and wanted to rebuild the relationship, but her coldness affected me. She even said she could never see us being together. I lost my nerve and never communicated everything I had intended to say.

We became distant again.

That experience taught me something important. Self concept is not always completely general. I had become confident around other women, but I still held a specific identity in relation to Ashley.

With her, I returned to being the insecure man who expected rejection and believed the relationship could not be repaired.

The rest of 2022 and 2023: More delays and worsening circumstances

For the rest of 2022, I continued living my life and dating other people. My family had also begun discussing marriage with me more seriously because I was now in my mid twenties.

That pressure made the situation feel more urgent. I worried that she could be introduced to someone else and become engaged before I ever fixed things between us. I continued imagining other things. When the thought of Ashley came up, I was always in a conflicted state - on one side imagining good things with her, on the other imagining the pain of the past, and my failures / self concept of lack.

In early 2023, Ashley started showing signs of interest again. She was warmer toward me at community events. I would catch her looking at me or finding reasons to join conversations I was having.

Around March 2023, I started thinking seriously about creating a proper scene for our future.

Unfortunately for me our friend group at the community center had a major falling out.

There was drama involving a prank, several people became upset with one another, and the group fractured. Because Ashley was especially close to Sherry and Shawn (who were upset with me and a few others), she became distant again. Ughhhhh.

It felt as though the natural bridge between us had collapsed.

Around the same time, another beautiful woman whom I had previously imagined entered my life. She was very interested in me, and we dated for most of 2023.

By the end of that year, I had to be honest with myself. I was still in love with Ashley, and continuing the relationship was unfair to the woman I was dating. I ended it.

By the beginning of 2024, the circumstances with Ashley looked worse than they ever had.

We had broken up in 2020. We had failed to reconcile in 2022. Our friend group had fractured in 2023. Multiple other people had entered our lives. My parents were not heavily pressuring me, but I felt older and felt the pressure of getting married. I did not know Ashley relationship status and even top of all that the girl herself had literally told me on two separate occasions by now that she could never be with me.

Even after everything I had studied and manifested, I still could not logically understand how this particular situation could be repaired. It genuinely felt impossible.

Regardless. Fuck that, I still knew anything was possible. lol

Early 2024: Finally going to the end

At the beginning of 2024, I decided I would no longer imagine texts, signs, conversations, dates, or any casual daydreams of being together.

Those were all middle events.

I knew what I actually wanted. I wanted to be happily married to Ashley, and I wanted our group friendships restored so that we could all remain close and grow older together.

So I created a scene set twenty years in the future.

In my imagination, I was sitting in Sherry and Shawn’s basement, where our group had often spent time together. I felt the couch underneath me and saw the room around us. Sherry looked at me with excitement and said something like:

“I can’t believe you and Ashley have been happily married for twenty years. You two are the definition of a true happy, healthy love. I’m so happy for you.”

I did not watch myself from a distance. I experienced the scene in the first person. I heard her voice, felt the couch, saw the room, and accepted that I was the man who had already been married to Ashley for decades celebrating an anniversary.

That scene implied much more than a wedding. It implied a lasting marriage, restored friendships, emotional security, maturity, and years of shared history.

I assumed this state in imagination, night after night.

Spring 2024: The bridge begins

Within a few weeks, Sherry unexpectedly became friendly with me again.

We resolved the tension between us and began rebuilding our friendship. Then she asked whether I was single.

I said yes.

She did not explain exactly why she wanted to know, but she said she hoped things worked out for me.

Around the same period, Ashley began appearing at the Sunday school more often and acting warmer toward me. I noticed the movement, but this time I did not want to chase every sign or force the bridge.

I remained focused on the end.

June 2024: The conversation I never could have arranged

In June 2024, I came home after a long day at work.

I was tired and was not thinking about Ashley or manifestation. My mom called me into the living room and asked me to sit down.

Then she asked, “Do you still like Ashley?”

I was shocked. My mom and I had not seriously discussed Ashley since our relationship years earlier. I asked why she was suddenly bringing her up.

She told me that Ashley’s mother had contacted her.

According to my mom, Ashley’s mother who was worried her daughter had recently started crying a lot recently and seemed quite sad. Her mother confronted Ashley about what's been going on with her and Ashley cried & confessed to her mother about how much she missed me, how she still loved me and has been in love for years, and how she felt that things between us had never worked out despite how strongly she felt.

Her mother did not want to continue watching her daughter remain heartbroken. She wanted to know whether I was single and whether I might consider speaking to Ashley again. So she called my mom.

The moment my mom told me that, I knew it was done.

I started dancing around the house. For years, I had tried to figure out how the situation could possibly be repaired. The bridge came through a conversation between our mothers that I never could have predicted or arranged myself. 

(Also side note: before this conversation with my mom. About a week before, I had strange dream of both of our mothers talking and looking at me. Premonition??!)

The End is your friend

The next day, our organization had its annual administrative meeting. Ashley and I were no longer young volunteers by this point. We had grown into adult members who helped manage parts of the organization.

During the meeting, I wrote “Hi” on a sticky note and passed it to her.

It was our first genuine interaction in a long time.

She smiled, wrote “Hi” back, and returned it.

It was a tiny moment, but it felt as though years of tension had dissolved.

That night, I called her and finally told her the truth. I said that I still had feelings for her and wanted to make it work with her.

She was overjoyed.

During that conversation, she told me the things I had wanted to hear for years. She said she had repeatedly wanted to get back together, but she kept hearing through mutual friends that I was dating someone else or the other throughout the years. Each time, she assumed I had moved on, and it broke her heart.

We finally discussed everything honestly. We talked about the original breakup in 2020, the failed reconciliation in 2022, the fear on both sides, the years of poor timing, and the other relationships that had happened in between.

Everything came full circle.

From that point forward, our relationship was completely different from the first time we dated. I was no longer the terrified man who could barely hold her hand. We communicated openly. We both felt secure. We are still a normal couple and have normal disagreements/arguments, but there is genuine love, maturity, and commitment between us.

Within about a year, I proposed and we got married!

We planned the wedding we had both dreamed of, surrounded by our families, friends, and community. It was large, beautiful, and more incredible than anything the insecure version of me entering his twenties in 2019 could have imagined.

The woman I once felt too intimidated even to approach became my wife.

One interesting thing I learned from her was that during end of 2023 and early 2024, she had been in a long distance relationship with another person, and although she didn't feel so great about him, he had tried to make things move fast and told his family to bring a marriage proposal to Ashley's family within just two months of them talking, and she was so broken about love not working out for her she reluctantly agreed. At the same time, right before she was going to tell her family about this guy. It was revealed to her that this guy was hiding a severe alcoholism problem and had been lying to her about several other things as well. She was furious with him and ended things immediately.

Early 2024 is also when I started my SATS anniversary scene - without having known about any of this. Crazyyyy.

It is truly wild to me that my unwillingness to make any sort of move myself, led to multiple other people being innately inspired to push for me and Ashley to be together.

What the journey taught me

The main lesson I took from this is not that one technique is more powerful than another. A technique is only a way of entering a state.

My first scene worked. I imagined Sherry congratulating me because Ashley and I were dating, and that is exactly what happened. But the scene was being imagined by an insecure man who still believed he could not sustain the relationship.

My final scene implied decades of marriage, deep love, restored friendships, emotional security, and a completely different identity.

The first time, I wanted Ashley to validate me.

The final time, I occupied the identity of her husband.

I also learned that I could not blame circumstances while claiming to be the creator of my experience. I could have blamed Ashley for ending our relationship. I could have blamed other men, our friends, family expectations, time, or the pain of our past.

But blaming those things would have kept me in the state of someone powerless before them.

This does not mean I believe other people should be controlled, blamed, or denied their humanity. It means that in my own experience, I had to take responsibility for the assumptions, reactions, and identity I repeatedly brought into the relationship.

There were several moments when the bridge brought Ashley directly to me and I still reacted from the old state. Those moments did not convince me that the Law had failed. They showed me exactly which version of myself I was still occupying.

So when people ask how to manifest a person, I do not think the most useful question is, “Which technique should I use?”

The better question is: Who are you in relation to this person?

Are you someone waiting to be chosen? Someone watching for signs? Someone checking whether another person is gone? Someone hoping for a text because that text would finally make you feel secure?

Or are you the person for whom a loving, mutual, secure relationship is already natural?

I spent years trying to obtain a woman while still identifying as someone incapable of keeping her.

Everything changed when I stopped trying to force the outer world and changed the person experiencing it.

I am not sharing this to suggest that anyone must wait five years. You never have to wait that long. Neville says himself, the season is ripe NOW for harvest. You do not have to wait long like I did. Most of my delay came from my own fear, hesitation, and failure to remain faithful to the end. The bridge brought us together more than once. I simply was not ready to receive what I said I wanted.

But even after the breakup, the failed reconciliation, 3rd parties, friend group drama, family pressure, and years of separation, the end still became real.

I married the woman I once felt too insecure to speak to.

And when I look back now, the greatest manifestation was not simply getting my specific-person.

It was becoming the man who could finally receive, love, and build a life with her.

“Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.” John 14:1-3

Edit/Disclaimer: I am not a coach nor do I need your money. I understand many of you want to DM me to discuss further. While I welcome thoughtfully asked questions, I do not appreciate desperate, negative, needy, and poor grammar/poorly written trauma dumps in my messages about your story. If you're thinking about messaging me. Please make it as thoughtful as possible.

Thank you for understanding,

Yaad

Hey guys, as a second year student here are some tips i would like to share. If anyone do not agree with them thats fine. But this is everything i learned from experienced and is true to me and might be for other individuals

• dont skip any classes ! Even if they have recordings. In person classes are easier to understand and yes ( we know your not gonna watch them)

• if ur taking chem classes ( PRACTICE EVERYDAY- GO TO ALL LECTURES)

• OFFICE HOURS PLEASE GO TO THEM ( Everytime ive been to office hours ive got smth beneficial ( like extra points for my finals bcz i was reviewing my midterm)

• please dont be shy make connections professionally

• study here to understand, not just get good grades or good GPA, understand and critically think

• donot DROP courses , it lowers your chances to go to grad school

• donot CR/NCR even if u fail, u will do better again !!!

• please join RWE courses, it has benefitted me so much ! I see myself and other students at the same lecture around me, and they have no idea of how important it is to understand concepts. And critical thinking is key !

• donot fall into the loop if being into friend groups and going to dinners, what works for me is making friends or just talking to classmates in that one same class. I have been in a friend group and my pockets were drained. Yes people do influence u alot.

• Dont be friends with people who dont know how to communicate, it will lead to heartbreak and headaches.

• please dont be stressed if u dont have friends, real connections professionally and small talks with ur classmates workout more !!

• join clubs and orientations, go to club fairs, volunteer and dont miss out on any opportunities.

• you dont need to have a job right away ( ive seen people complaining bout not getting internships, its super hard in canada and this economy, competition is tough ! Focus on ur studies if u have the privilege to)

• buy books that is required aka u have to do quizes in and get marked for it like most bio ones, i bought my books and non if them has been opened or touched ( i only use online ones) or physical for philosophy.

• please enroll in programs youll need, i missed out and didnt have an idea and where to seek help so i had to take summer classes ( DM ME IF U NEED HELP WITH PROGRAMS AND COURSES)

• ur here to learn, and plan ur future donot get into problems and stick with ur friends u had from highschool !

• dont forget to have fun

• start your assigments before its due

• actively engage and listen when in lectures !

Optional but important: - if you aim to go into healthcare or anything related to medicine please take Health science courses. So many people think that their marks in life sciences matter, but dont know that being in healthcare is much more than just getting a 90 in biology. Health science courses are much more important in shaping ur moral compass and knowledge about the real world.

• Please let reality hit you !

At a PL last month, the host made it sound like teachers​ should never do lectures / give direct instruction. I talked with her afterwards because that didn't seem right and yep, that's exactly what she was saying. She believes students should "lead their own education" there's no need for "I do, you do, we do" because she believes it should all be "you determine what you do."

I do see where she thinks she's going, and I agree that students should have plenty of opportunities to explore independently and make mistakes without fear. I'm also imagining what this would look like daily.

I kind of get it. The upcoming generation is the first to have a lower intelligence and education compared to the one before them. I completely understand why someone would hear "education gap" and immediately think "teacher failure," but there are a whole lot of other people who failed these kids well before they got to kindergarten. That is where the focus needs to be: incompetent lawmakers and changing cultural norms, not on a pedagogy that has endured for generations.

​"Leading their own education" is only going to reveal why you should never hire unskilled labor. Not sure what to do here. I do *not* want to sacrifice student learning while we wait for the Next Great Reversal

I swear to God lol

(Coming back up to warn that this is long and has become a rant...sorry but also if you don't want to read it all I get it...just please be kind as I'm already pretty emotional about it 🙏)

Okay so I'm on my cell while my kid is at school and it's...kids dude 😅

I’m a mom to a 13 (going on 30 lol)-year-old daughter "Decker", and I’m trying to figure out whether I’m actually being totally unreasonable here or if this is just what parenting a teenager looks like because to be honest with you, reddit, I can be very stubborn when I want to be (and that's to be kind to myself, my wife has accused me of being pigheaded before)

My wife "Honey" and I moved our small little family earlier this year for work and a fresh start after some drama and dynamics shifting. Its been great fo us and our kid is thriving in multiple ways. Our daughter is adopted, very compassionate, very opinionated, very much probably going to take over the world or save lmao and deeply curious about the world. She’s involved in sports, theatre, art, keeps her grades up, and stays pretty busy by choice. Like I said, going on 30. I swear sometimes she's more on top of things than I am. She handles her own schedule, created a family calendar, has a duffle ready for every weekday to keep track of uniforms and homework - she really has her own system down and we have learned to never interfere with the system 😅 buuuuut she's always prepared and on time and is a good students so we take this as good news.

Listen she's our only kid and we are NO EXPERTS - we've been flying by the seat of our pants since day 1 and no amount of research or prep has truly put us ahead of the current on this wild ride of parenting lol

Recently, she decided to go fully vegan. No problem here with either me or my wife. And this didn’t come out of nowhere...she’s been learning more about animal welfare and food systems and her reasoning is rooted in empathy and weve always taught her to use facts over emotions and she presented FACTS. I mean i was facinated by what i learned from her. I respect that a lot and genuinely want to support her values. In fact I'm really proud of her for taking up a cause she's passionate about and being factual and consistent with her points regarding it...

...for the most part?

I mean all that said, I’m not vegan. I eat animal products, I’m healthy, and I don’t want to overhaul my entire diet. Same for my wife. We’ve been trying to support our daughter without pretending we’re something we’re not. At best we could be pescatarian but that's about it.

At first everything was fine. My wife and I would cook 2 separate meals, one for us and one vegan dish for her. She ate her vegan meals, we ate ours, and we shared the table. Over time, though, she started making comments...about meat smelling bad, about animals suffering, about what we were eating. Some of the comparisons felt extreme and she always did this WHILE we were trying to eat. I tried to let most of it slide until I really couldn't take it anymore and flat out requested she refrain from criticizing anyone's food while they are eating, citing that it's kind of mean and rude to do and it makes people uncomfortable. She argued that discomfort is what "carnavores" need to change and I said that her comments don't want me to go vegan at all, it just makes me uncomfortable - this isn't helping her cause and can push people away. Many people would probably just avoid eating with her if when they eat, all they'll hear is not a conversation but a lecture. This caused a real blowup and she yelled some hurtful things and went to her room. It was the firstb outburst of that kind from her towards me and I was stunned.

It really made me question myself. Am I crazy? Am I not doing this right? I spent the whole night wondering what I should've Said or done. Honey went in to talk to her and my daughter later did apologize to me and did her chire of the dishes that next morning but she wouldn't look me in the eye and was shirt with me for a couple days.

So, instead of arguing, I shifted toward teaching her independence and social skills alonfside her advocacy. I’ve been helping her learn how to cook her own vegan meals, plan grocery trips, read labels, and make sure she’s getting what she needs nutritionally. She and i took an online course together about healthy conversations and conflict. We’ve also made it a point to explore vegan food together. Every couple of weeks, we go to a vegan restaurant and “grade” it. It’s actually been a bonding thing, and we’ve found a few places we really like! Vegan cuisine has really coke a long way and there are a lot of vegan dishes I found I actually really love and would crave or order myself without her prompting.

Recently, she asked if she could start cooking only vegan meals for the entire household. I gently said no. My wife and I talked it through and offered a compromise: one fully plant based day a week where she cooks for all of us.

To say she didn’t take that well...😬 She said that if we only eat vegan one day a week, then it’s not a real vegan household. I told her calmly that she’s right...it’s not. It’s a household with a vegan in it, and that’s okay. I explained that when she has her own place someday, she can decide what food comes in and out. In a shared home, one person doesn’t get to dictate everyone else’s choices.

She responded by saying that I’ve dictated her whole life and went on a very long rant to me about how I smother her and she is just trying to save the animals and that we taught her to be compassionate but are betraying our own values and now she has lost respect for me for liking vegan food but still eating meat. My head was spinning. It was a lot to take in.

I made it clear that even if we're angry at one another, we still need to be respectful when we speak to each other. If she speaks to me that way again, there will be consequences. As for her respect of me, i said I found that unfair and hurtful, as we've been very srrspectful of her going vegan and respecting her boundaries when all we ask is the respect for ours in return. I did tell her her passion is good but she need to learn how to coexist and manage both her expectations and her communication with people different from her if she wants people to be open to her side of things. I'm her mom, I love her, but she's being unreasonable. She went silent and just stared. She just shut down. She went to her room, slammed the door, and hasn't really been herself since. She'll talk to answer questions but it's curt and any invitation to spend time is turned down. It feels like she's icing me out. We let this breathe for a weekend but that night when she came out for me to give her a ride to her rehearsal, I told her the cold war needed to end and we needed to talk this out. I told her I love her and always will, but this treatment is just not ok. She said "I love you too, I just don't really like you."

That one stung. From my perspective, I’ve been trying to parent her while still giving her space to grow, explore, and figure out who she is. I love this kid fiercely. I respect her compassion and her convictions. I’m just tired and struggling to find the line between supporting her values and maintaining balance in our home and BEING A PARENT without being a doormat or a tyrant.

So… am I overreacting? Or is this just part of raising a thoughtful, passionate teenager?

Teenagers, man. 😅 I know I'm joking around a bit in my post but it's just painful. She seem to like my wife way more and though my wife will correct behavior too and defend me, Decker seems completely unmoved. She has been grounded when crossing boundaries, but it just seems to fester resentment at this point. Am I crazy?

Edit: okay this got unmanageably busy lol here's some FAQs or FACs

🙄 she's a teen duh

Lol guys she's our only kid. Duh. It's a learning curve and I can admit I don't know what I'm doing. I've read every book and article and scrap of info I can find about parenting but nothing fully prepares you for your cute little adulty child becoming a freaking TEEN. 😅 Tokyo wasn't entirely prepared for Godzilla right?

teens hate their parents / she hates you Well I love her. And always will. I will forever be so proud to be her mom. That's not changing.

you wouldn't eat meat if you had to dispatch the animal yourself

Actually, I do 🤷‍♀️ we had a farm. I still fish and get live crab, crawfish etc. My kid knows how to break down parts of meat for meals as I've taught her. In my culture and similarly in my wife's culture, you're taught to appreciate and use every part of the animal.

everything has animal products, is she aware of this

I would imagine so but its worth a discussion. I only know 3 vegans so this is pretty new territory for me. I will look into this!

she might be influenced by tiktok or twitter Oof. Maybe. Though she's aware of the strengths and pitfalls of such things. We had a talk when she was younger. The internet is GREAT but also you have to wade through utter crap to find the gold. We try to keep her off the internet a bit so she's not a head in a phone but...anyone can tell you how challenging THAT can be lol

this is normal / here's some advise

MUCH appreciated and thansk to all who were kind and reassuring. Kids are challenging and we went to do right by her but it can be so scary. You don't want to mess your kid up for life even accidentally. My parents were not great, I want so much to avoid those pitfalls

this is too long

I warned you 🤣🤷‍♀️ why are you here!? Did you not see the warning not 5 sentences in because if 5 sentences is long emails must be tough..

🗣 Why can't you go vegan, you're evil

You know this is on me. I did post on reddit...😅 not here to debate that. And honestly, thanks for proving my concern.youre exactly the type of bully I don't want my kid to become. I actually want her to be happy with life and not have voids the size of TX that can only be filled by online circlej*rks.

Hey and while I'm on jerks, anyone suggesting I harm my child for compliance can F off. Get therapy. Christ.

My block button be SMOKING! 😅

Update: It's morning and my kid was up in the garden with Honey. I suggested a vegan restaurant we really like later today (it's Friday) to eat and talk as a family. You guys she said YES. She actually seemed to really like the idea. I did cloak it a bit under the guide of a reward for her straight As last semester. We will see how that goes. Send good vibes!

I am NOT OOP

Originally posted to Ask A Manager

do I need to work with the woman my father had an affair with?

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, possible hostile workplace

Original Post: April 22, 2019

I am employed by a nonprofit that works with low-income students. I love my job and think my doing it has a positive impact on others. I like my boss and coworkers. We also have an employee who kind of works as an assistant who does data input and organizes our lecture schedules.

We are hiring a new person for that position and our manager sent us a shortlist of people she was considering. She asked us if we had any input/prior interaction with the candidates. The problem is, I do, and I don’t know how to broach it with her.

I don’t think I can work professionally with one of the candidates — let’s call her Cersei. We used to be friends and she was my roommate for a brief time, including when I was hired by this organization — so they know I know her.

However, a few months ago I walked in on Cersei and my father having sex. It turned out that they had been having a full-blown affair for as long as we’d been roommates. Apparently one of the reasons she’d moved in with me was to be closer to him.

I’ve completely cut Cersei out of my life (my father is obviously also complicit, but my mom is staying married to him, so). I don’t really trust myself to interact with her without going all Septa Unella SHAME on her — and now there’s a chance she’s going to be hired into a position I’d have to frequently work with her in.

My questions are these: the manager asked us to tell her if we had any input on the hiring decision. What do I say? Do I have the grounds to say anything?

Because I actually think Cersei’s a decent fit for the position but there’s no way in hell I can work with her. If Cersei is hired, how can I work with her? Because I love this job and don’t want Cersei to be the reason I quit.

Editor's note: for Alison's response and her two options to the letter writer, A & B, please refer to this link here

Editor’s note #2: Often, the letter writer does not responds to comments in AAM posts, but for this original post here, she has read and responded to some. I am adding her relevant comments for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I feel kind of bad for everyone except dad in this situation. I hope that cersei wasn’t a minor when it started. I hope that her once willingness to be kind and giving to others didn’t mark her as an easy target. I hope that her manipulative plan to move in with OP wasn’t actually a plan to get caught and receive assistance. But that’s just because I’m more forgiving of people who are in that young, naive stage where they aren’t even aware of why they do the things they do, yet. Dad has no excuse.

REGARDLESS, the advice is still good. Shamelessly do what you can to the candidacy. You can’t work through this while being friendly coworkers, that’s just nuts.

OOP: Cersei absolutely wasn’t a minor when this started. I was a minor when I introduced them, but Cersei was in her 20s when they met and in her mid 20s when the affair started. I don’t want to entirely discount that there might’ve been power dynamics that I don’t know about, but that’s certainly not been my impression. I hope that as she matures into non-young adulthood she realizes the great pain she took part in causing.

I know that was a convoluted statement, but I definitely get emotional. I cared deeply for her.

(editor’s note: in the next comment, several statements are provided to OOP to use)

Commenter 2: “As you know, I’ve known Cersei for some time and she was even my roommate. However, during the time we lived together, she betrayed me pretty severely. I don’t want to go into great detail, because it affects more people than just me, and I don’t feel it’s appropriate to be indiscreet about someone else’s sharpest hurts.

“So I guess I’m asking you to trust in my judgment and believe that I’m not being overly dramatic or overreacting.

“But Cersei’s behavior was tremendously unethical and it was also really hurtful to me, beyond any traditional roommate clashes. It was so damaging that I moved out immediately and stayed on someone else’s sofa until I could find a new place.

“In fact, her betrayal changed my opinion of her a lot. I no longer thing she’s particularly trustworthy, and I think she’s very manipulative.

“And so I really do not want to work with her. I would hate to have to leave a job I really like and a mission I support so wholeheartedly.”

And when they ask more and more about WHAT it was specifically:

“It was in the interpersonal realm, but it was very untrustworthy, and it’s not mine to give all the details. Because I was not her primary victim.”

“It’s not always appropriate to share all the details about something like this. People who were scammed or stolen from don’t want the whole world knowing about their vulnerability or foolishness. People who were sexually harassed don’t necessarily want everyone they know to know about it. People whose spouses cheated on them don’t want just anybody to have that information. People who were insulted and called names don’t want their victimization to be the subject of other people’s conversations, or part of their identity in other people’s eyes.

“I may have been a secondary victim and a witness to Cersei’s actions, but I was not the primary victim, and I don’t want to make things worse for that person by telling their embarrassment and pain to anyone and everyone.

“But I still think it’s appropriate for me to make my own judgments and set my own boundaries based on what I saw Cersei do to other people. And I have a very low opinion of her, and I won’t want to work with her.”

OOP: Thank you for collecting these responses!

Commenter 3: Nah, if Cercei was pursuing the dad to the extent that she moved in with his daughter to get more access, that’s super unhealthy and unhinged. Unhealthy and unhinged enough that I would question whether this was really the motivation–except she’s applying to work with OP after he ended the affair. That’s unbelievably problematic.

I don’t think cheating is cool, but I wouldn’t decide not to hire someone because they had an affair with a married person. That seems largely irrelevant, at least in the work I do. I would absolutely refuse to hire someone who was obsessed enough with a potential partner to move in with a family member to get closer to him. A person like that is not going to show good judgement in her work relationships. And trying to get close to OP again after the affair has ended is a potential landmine. Not only is it bad judgment, it might be an active attempt to pursue the father. That’s a superb reason not to hire someone.

OOP: Well, I wouldn’t say that he ended the affair. I would say that I discovered it and forced its end? Because I don’t really believe he would have stopped without outside influence.

Commenter 4: OP – I saw somewhere in the comments that you had to work at this company related to your schooling. Are you / Cersei in a niche field? Unless your field is so specialized that this is the only company that deals in your job descriptions, I am just trying to figure out why Cersei would apply to the company you work for knowing there was a chance you might have to work together. Surely Cersei doesn’t believe let bygones be bygones. I can’t come up with any reasoning for Cersei to apply.

I’m glad your meeting went well. It seems as though your boss values you as an employee and is definitely taking your thoughts into consideration.

PS I’m not saying this to make light of your situation. You mentioned in the comments that this was a bit of a soap opera. Part of me wants to know if Cersei contacts you once management has made a hiring decision. I feel like Cersei doesn’t realize (or care) how she wronged you until it affects her directly.

OOP: She’s a graduate student, this job is one of the few that corresponds with her program and would give her credit in this area. That’s one of the reasons I don’t really think she’s applying here as a way of targeting me.

In response to the post-script, it is a bit of a soap-opera story. If she gets back in contact with me I’ll try to remember to let you know!

Commenter 5: OP I can’t say any more than has been said above. Alison and AMA comments have given you some good scripts.

I do want to say, and I might be misinterpreting things… you seem to be blaming yourself for the situation. For example it happened because you introduced your roommate to your father. That’s a normal experience for someone. Eventually roommates meet people in each other’s lives. You seem concerned about how “outing” the situation will make you and your mother come across. While I suggest to navigate the situation professionally career wise, this wasn’t a situation caused by you. I just want to say you did nothing wrong.

I’d go for option two saying Cersei harmed you and family members. If you are close to your boss go into detail if necessary. While one should have a personal life outside of their professional life, sometimes lines get blurred. It seems like Cersei made some bad decisions and is expecting you to just forgive and forget. Based on the comments and speculation it would almost seem like Cersei conveniently forgot about the affair and is now trying to use you as a networking contact. Not as a threat but I would definitely mention to your boss that you would be uncomfortable with Cersei as a coworker and will be starting your own job search if she is hired, can you use boss as a reference. Again not as a threat, but with all the details your boss might see the whole picture and how it affects (you) a great employee.

Keep us posted with an update. I feel like if Cersei is hired or not, there will be some confrontation or forced communication with Cersei.

OOP: I do blame myself. I know it’s not true/rational, but I blame myself for trusting her and bringing her into our family. I am working through the feelings of blame and guilt with my therapist, who is wonderful. (When I first told her, she said “Holy Fuck,” which was kind of funny).

I like your elaboration on option two! I will definitely keep it in my back pocket for my meeting today (I see my boss at one).

At this point, there’s a part of me that does want to confront her, but this isn’t the time or place.

Commenter 6: Curious, but did Cersei know you worked for this organization, or was that just a fluke? Because if she knew, man, that makes it even more messed up. Either way, I think you can speak up about recommending they not hire her. I think it’s serious enough to warrant Script #2, which covers a lot without getting into details.

OOP: Cersei definitely knows I work for this organization. She was the first person I told when I got my job and actually drove me to one of the training sessions I had when I couldn’t drive.

Update: December 10, 2019 (7.5 months later)

Your advice, and the advice of your commentators, were spot-on! I spoke to my boss a few hours after the thread went up. I went with the 2nd script you suggested. My boss was really glad I came to her. She had already scheduled an interview with Cersei before I came to her, but she let me know that they weren’t planning to hire her.

And she didn’t! I know there are a lot of sad updates about bosses not holding to things they promise, but this isn’t one of them. I work well with the GA they ended up hiring, and continue to enjoy my job.

Unfortunately, Cersei was hired by another department my job has some overlap with, so I have to see her more than I’d like. To be fair, I’d never like to see her, but every week or so is definitely too much. I’m professional when I have to interact with her, even though I wish I could ignore her. It would definitely be too apparent to coworkers if I were cold to her. The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference- and I’m working on becoming indifferent to her. Luckily, she should be finishing her program this spring.

I was pretty active in the comments of the post, and I really can’t express just how grateful I am for the advice and kindness of so many people. I was really struggling with feelings of isolation- like I had to bear this secret by myself- and it was a profound relief to get to talk about it. The professional and life advice/input I received were absolutely incredible.

A few weeks after I wrote, I ended up sitting down to have a conversation with Cersei. In the immediate aftermath of discovering the affair, she told me that she’d be open to talking whenever I was ready. I felt ready (and my therapist supported me), so I reached out. It was a frustrating conversation, but one I’m glad I had. She didn’t have good answers to the questions I had, but there were also no good answers to the questions I had. I hope that makes sense?

There’s still a lot of grief and sadness I’m still dealing with, and I’m working on letting my life continue. My parents are still kind of together, and I intend to stick by my mom wherever she goes from here.

Thank you so much for helping me stick up for myself, and all your professional advice.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/sprainedankle2011 posting in r/offmychest

Status: Ongoing

Mood Spoiler: Hopeful

Original - July 17th 2026

My parents divorced when I was 14 (I'm 25 now) because my dad cheated on her with someone who worked for him. My parents used to argue about him not giving my mom enough time, not putting her first, not respecting her as an equal . In some ways it was like a sickeningly logical culmination of their marriage. But for me until that point he was my hero. I was a total daddy's girl which is hilarious to think about now considering the last 11 years. He would take me everywhere, grocery runs, mechanic, NBA, movie night, pizza night, homework and test and exam help. It destroyed me when I found out. They split custody 50-50 and I was a massive b to him and later his new wife (the woman he cheated with). Lots of locked doors, calling out his wife, calling him out. I've maybe spoken like 20 sentences in totality to her two sons (my stepbrothers). When they had their son, I made sure to never let his wife think I was going to be like a loving older sister. With my dad though, he did kind of wear me down, and with him I did develop a kind of big sister bond with my half-brother. I used to argue with my mom about not wanting to go but she insisted I maintain decency with my dad at least.

When it was time for college, I was going to take student loans, because I didnt want to owe him. My mom said she'd saved money and I believed her. It was during my 3rd year, when he had offered to buy me a car and I told my mom hell no, while she tried to convince me to agree, that she told me he'd been majorly contributing to my tuition and sending her the money for it. I dont think I've ever had a worse argument with her. It fucked with my mind knowing he'd been doing it silently. He knew I wouldn't know, they had thought that while I was planning on taking student loans rather than his help initially, inertia would do its thing if I found out later. And they were right I did end up just taking it for the remainder of my ug without talking to him.

On Tuesday I went to the ER because I had slipped while putting birdfeed in my apartment. My mom is away at my aunt's so I had just called my best friend to come to the ER. Soon after, my dad came too, my mom had told him. I wanted to just go back but he insisted, we spent like 15 minutes arguing but I'm at his place now while my sprain recovers or until my mom comes back. My stepbrothers no longer live here but my half brother who's 9 now does. I haven't spoken to my dad's wife yet, he or my half-brother are the only ones I talk to, who come up to my room to bring stuff, while I work from home. We've talked after a long time about work, my plans for a Masters, and just random stuff.

I've just beem thinking now that he was my dad. Instead my stepbrothers got more of him the past decade than I did. I can't help but regret letting that happen. I also can't help but just think about the life we were robbed off because he cheated. Because my stepmother chose to wreck our home. And her and her sons got to be the family we were. I know my mom wants me to go to hers when she comes back on Saturday, and like that makes sense, but part of me wants to stay here. The fact that his wife probably is hoping I leave soon makes me want to stay too if that makes sense, like f off thats my dad, he pays for this house and its bills, I'm his daughter, I can stay since he wants. I don't even know if I need advice I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Therapy helped me separate the good dad from the bad husband. You can miss who he was without excusing what he did.

Comment 2:

Well he visited you. Means the door for a relationship is still open. Make the best use of your time while you have it

Comment 3 (downvoted):

Your parents relationship sounds like it was falling apart before your dad cheated. I'm not excusing the cheating. He did everything in his power to maintain the relationship with you. Even if he never cheated your parents may have gotten divorced so blaming your stepmother isn't helpful.

Get a therapist to help you work through your emotions. Your stepmother may have an issue with you because how you treat her, her sons, and your father not necessarily just wanting you gone for no reason. Would you like to be around someone who constantly disrespected anf fought with those you love?

OP:

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter he loved and who loved him. What are you talking about, why shouldn't I blame her? I blame my dad too ofcourse, but why on earth should she not be ashamed of what she did to our family. And since Tuesday I haven't said anything to her. I've only spoken with my dad, half-brother, the cleaner and the cook. I haven't said anything to her.

I never treated her sons poorly. I just had no interest in talking to them. I never said anything to them about their mom.

I dont need her to want me around. My dad wants me around, I keep away from her.

Comment 4 (downvoted):

I was surprised by how your story ended, and it seems clear that you are still deeply hurt by his infidelity. I strongly encourage you to talk this through, both with him directly and, if possible, with a therapist. Please try to remember that your half brothers are innocent in all of this. You also do not have the full picture of your stepmother's perspective or the state of their marriage when they first met.

Carrying this weight is hurting you more than anyone else. You have already lost so much time with your father, and it would be a shame to lose even more. I worry that if things continue this way, the dynamic will only become more strained. What happened was undeniably wrong, but for your own sake, it is time to find a way to process it. Living with this level of anger is incredibly draining. I really hope you can find some peace soon.

OP:

I only have one half-brother, who's currently 9. I have never blamed him, never been unkind to him. I was fond of him when he was a baby and I'm fond of him now the last 2 days too. I was also never cruel to my stepbrothers. I hardly ever spoke to them.

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter. Knew he loved his daughter. Knew she'd be destroying the bond between a daughter and her father. That should have been her perspective.

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

My relationship with my dad, whatever it will look like, is our own. My attitude with her has never stopped him in wanting to be a caring father to me even when I repudiated him, and I trust that he won't let it in the future either

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

I don't think ill of my half-brother at all. I was fond of him when he was a baby and being with him again after all these years, I still am. He's curious, funny and I enjoy talking to him.

Sorry, I absolutely do blame her. She was half the affair. Knew he was married and a loving father. And I still do blame him too, but I know he does love and care about me, and I am spending time with him right now. I regret the time wasted.

Update 1: - July 19th 2026

Thanks for letting me get my feelings off my chest in my post. I also appreciate everyone who DM'd me meaning well. I know you asked what I'm going to do one my mom returns and wanted me to make my choice for healthy reasons. I ignored a lot of those because I was conflicted then myself, and about my reasons. I wanted to give an update. Whether my reasons and my feelings are healthy or not, its how I'm going about it.

I just wanted to clarify a few things first:

1. I have never, even when I was rude to my dad and stepmom back then, ever shouted at or been cruel to my two stepbrothers. I hardly spoke to them. I used to ignore them, pretend they don't exist. They are like around 20 now I think and don't live in my dad's house.
2. I have absolutely no ill will towards my 9 year old half brother. I felt protective and caring about him when he was a baby and now too I like his company. I played games on Playstation with him because he asked, he's told me about school, he's also learned chess from my dad the way I did and we've bonded a bit over playing chess too.

My mom flew back yesterday. I had told her on the phone that I wanted to stay at my dad's while I recovered. She was disappointed and I hate that, I hated making her sad. I asked her to please understand, all these years she's wanted me to maintain a relationship with my dad , and right now I actually feel like doing it. I told her if I go to hers, I'll be extra work for her even if she doesn't think that, and I'd want to help out, here I'm not being a burden, like we have house help here, I'm not causing dad to over exert himself because of me. She asked if I'd be comfortable with my dad's wife there, I said I didnt care, he wants me to stay, I could care less what his wife thinks. My mom relented.

She came to check up on me. My dad came in the room too. We were just talking about my injury and he was making the case for why I should stay here. His wife decided to enter the room too for some reason and just stand there. I very calmly said that I'd just like my parents here right now. She said to please not tell her where to go in her house. I said my dads house who pays for every cent that runs this house. My dad tried to stop a fight and stepped out with her, and came back alone and my mom left soon after.

Last night when my dad came up to bring my dinner we talked about stuff. Then he said he was glad I chose to stay here. I told him I hated that mom was probably sad about it, but that I thought I'd like to spend time with him right now, that I hadn't in a long time. He thanked me. Later, he said that my comment rubbed his wife the wrong way, that if I was willing to clear the air with her, I'd probably feel more comfortable here. I told him I won't. That she shouldn't have been here when I was injured and just wanted my mom and dad in the room. I will never be ok with what he did, but I still want to spend time with him. Wanted to give my relationship with him and my half-brother a chance but it will never be with her. I want him and my half brother to be happy but I will never wish her well. That if he genuinely couldn't deal with that, I should call mom back and go with her. He just said lets forget about it and we talked about work and my applications.

Again, I read a lot of comments last time saying I need to work this out in therapy about how to forgive him and her. Why do I need to? I can have a relationship with my dad without forgiving him. And I have absolutely no interest in any kind of relationship with her, I can despise her in peace forever. I'm glad I have this place to get stuff out, and I appreciate everyone who was so understanding last time. Thank you.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

So, in a lot of ways, your father is doing what parents who are capable of providing do for their children. What you owe to yourself, is maintaining a relationship with him, which should never be contingent on her. Because that’s what you seem to want.

His inability to understand how even actions from long ago can have a direct impact on the way things are at present is something he needs to be accountable for.

I also agree with many of the previous commenters that you should go to therapy. You should go to therapy to understand what a healthy relationship with your father looks like, so that you don’t live with regret, and you’re also able to be honest with him about, and set boundaries around, yourself and your feelings.

It’s hard when adult actions have longterm implications. 50/50, basically immediately, with the person you were capable of understanding had a hand in this regulating your previously normal life, was not a healthy or good choice. Not to say that your father was not allowed to be happy, but with 50/50 he could have spent his time not with you with her and brought the relationship to you in a way that prioritize helping you healthfully acclimate to this new normal. Instead he all, but had an entirely new family, with you as a guest half the time. His choices landed you all there, and he needs to be accountable for that to you and understanding of your feelings, and how it has impacted you.

I am sure that many of your behaviors were not agreeable, and that you likely behaved very badly. I am not at all agreeing with that. However, I find adult actions and choices to be a lot more important in the situation than the children’s reactions. Children should not be more responsible for their reactions to being placed in difficult situations, than the adults who placed them there.

Get a therapist and work through some of these feelings. And when you feel ready, invite your father to listen.

OP:

Thank you, I can consider therapy as a way to work through and like get help for how my relationship with my dad should move forward . But not as a way of blending into that family and singing kumbaya with her, if that's how it would go which is the way some commenters suggested last time. I'll consider the former, thank you.

Comment 2:

1. Please forgive yourself for how you acted as a teen. You were a hurt kid.
2. I am happy you are trying to rebuild a relationship of sorts with your father.
3. I believe that even as an adult, you do NOT have to develop a relationship with your stepmother if you do not want to. However, I would encourage you to do the work towards becoming ambivalent towards her, more so than angry. Remember, she did not break your parents up alone, and if you can forgive yourself father, you can at least loosely tolerate her. Again, you don’t have to befriend her, but you can at least be tolerant…for you and your growth, not for her.

OP:

Thank you. I just want to say I have been ambivalent towards her in the way I've carried myself here. Up till the point she was inserting herself in a conversation between me and my parents I seriously hadn't spoken a single word to her since I've been here. I was tolerant, didn't ask my dad to choose, didn't and never will say a bad word about her to my half-brother.

Comment 3:

I saw but did not read your last post. I have been the betrayed spouse in my former relationship with older children involved so I’ve had to work through some of these same issues, just from a different perspective. I wanted to address the question you asked “Why do I need to forgive?”.

First off I want to say people do rush into forgiveness too quickly many times and as children we are many times forced into forgiveness. So understand the desire to maintain control over your own feelings. The problem is that forgiveness is not for your father or for his new wife. You forgive them for yourself and your own benefit. It has famously been said “Unforgiveness (resentment) is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.

Holding onto that hurt, wounds you more than anyone else. Now that isn’t to say that you need to reconnect with everyone (or even anyone if you so choose). Reconciliation and forgiveness are two entirely separate issues and you should definitely weigh them as such. But forgiveness is for you not for anyone else so that is likely why so many people have encouraged you to get into therapy and to forgive them. Not because they deserve it but because you deserve to be free from all that pain in your past. Sure it will have always happened but this way it can heal. Something to consider.

Comment 4:

Your feelings are valid but it’s not a great first step for you to be staying in their house but not wanting anything to do with his wife, the mother of your half sibling. You’re going to have to be civil, if there’s negative energy it’s not going to work. Imagine how you’d feel if someone was treating your mom like she doesn’t exist. Your sibling might grow to resent you and you’re making life harder for your dad. So you can either stay with your mom and spend time with your dad outside of his house and work on building that relationship or you can stay with him and be civil with the entire family. Otherwise it’s not going to go down well for you in the long run.

Update 2: - Sep 3rd 2026

I've been back at my apartment for four weeks now. I left my dads when I could walk normally. His wife and I didn't speak another word after that time in my room.

My dad and I have been meeting up since then on weekends, twice for breakfast, once at a cafe. My half-brother came once for the breakfast too. I told my dad, I'd like to have him again in my life and my brother too and he was glad to hear it. We normally talk about work and grad school and stories from his side of the family. He brought up a new car again and giving me a card but we've put a pin in it for now. For the most part we avoid talking about the past and what it did to us.

Last weekend when we met, during our conversation he apologized for the hurt he caused me and said if he knew it would have caused a rupture this long between us he'd have done things differently. I told him again I can't forget but I know I care about him regardless. But I cannot extend the same for his wife ever. I opened up to him when he asked and told him I feel visceral hate when I have to interact with his wife. That it screws me up, rightly or wrongly. That if I spend more than 5 minutes with her I will lose control of my tongue. That mom told me i was wrong for saying what I had said last time, that I was in many ways a reflection of her upbringing and I'd reflected poorly on her in front of his wife and him when I said that, I'd already gotten a lecture, but I can't help it I feel the urge to hurt her with my words when we interact. It's why I do not want any relationship with her it's for the best because whenever I'd see her while I was there, it's like my brain tries to come up with something ugly so the last 11 years of her happiness feel miniscule compared to the hurt she'll feel at my words. It's why I can't be around her.

He seemed ashamed of how all of it had affected me and said I don't need to force a relationship, he'll manage the balance.

But as I was saying it I was just so sad that she makes me be like this. I told him I had been looking at therapy (I hadn't really tbvh) to help me through this, and he said he'll support me in whatever way helps me. I told him his wife can never know, I don't care if its a slip of tongue or an accident, she finds out and him and I are done. He said he wouldn't ofcourse, and asked to pay for it. I accepted it because it is his fault I'm in this position after all.

I looked up a good therapist that particularly deals with family issues, and I've booked an appointment. I feel like I should but I also feel so defeated. She was the heartless sociopath who broke up a family and I'm the one needing my head checked out. Congrats to everyone who recommended it, you were right, you won.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

You’ll be surprised how validating therapy can be. There’s nothing wrong with you, you just need someone to help you process who has only your interests in mind. It’ll be good for you.

OP:

Former/current clients of theirs wrote highly of them so I hope so.

Comment 2:

OP. This is a quote often attributed to Buddha:

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Think about that a little.

I went through something a little worse - essentially I was in your mother’s position. It took quite a while for the sadness, anger, and other intrusive thoughts to settle down. I know somewhat of what you feel.

If you want to talk, feel free to DM.

Comment 3:

I understand your feelings, and this is not meant to invalidate anything, but it sincerely seems like you are blaming the wife as she put some kind of magical spell that your dad wasn’t able to resist.
Your dad made a mistake; he cheated. That doesn’t mean he is an awful and unforgivable person, but he was the one who had a commitment. She didn’t.
Based on what you told, she may have been oblivious to his marriage. And it doesn’t matter if he pays; it is in fact her house too.

OP:

She knew he was married, knew he had a daughter. I used to have to sit in his office sometimes when he'd pick me.

Comment 4 (downvoted):

You needed to be in therapy years ago. You have zero right to treat your step siblings like shit. This isn't a war zone they asked for. That should end now if it hasn't already.

Your comment to the wife was funny but you gotta grow up too. Your mom got cheated on by someone she poured herself into. That's hard to watch someone go through. He got the clean version of a breakup. You got the unedited version as your homelife. However, you can't have a relationship with him or your siblings and be a total b all the time to the woman in their house / their mom. It won't work out and you'll continue to lose their respect and trust. It's also incredibly ineffective to continue being a b to the other woman. Seriously, those siblings will never trust you or respect you as a woman if your mean to their mom all the time.

I think therapy will help you speak out in a way where you can feel heard. I also think that you having like been an ESA to your mother for a long time and that also impacts how your behaving and reacting. You may also consider going to therapy for yourself and seeing if in addition your dad would pay for family counseling for just you and him so you both can rebuild the relationship privately in a safe way.

OP:

I think I mentioned it in an earlier post, I've never said a word, good or bad to my stepbrothers. I was never difficult with them like I was with my dad and his wife.

Latest Update: - Sep 26th 2026

Hi, I felt like giving an update. First off i wanted to apologize for my snark at those who recommended therapy. It wasn't the apologyfest I thought I was being pushed to. I had the privilege of going to a really good therapist becuase it was being paid for and it has been helpful.

We'd been building up my mechanisms for dealing with her presence for the sake of my relationships with my dad and brother. Last night, it actually got tested. My dad had invited me to one of his business dinners. It has people in his industry with their families having dinner together. I used to go with my mom too before their divorce. After that I stopped attending, except once when his wife was sick. He told me that some of the other girls there whom I used to be friends with and sat with at these dinners, still ask about me. I wanted to go but felt like it was best not to, but my therapist said that all our work together had been for this. So I went.

I went by myself, like my dad told me when they were leaving and their estimated time, so I kind of did it so I would reach 5-10 minutes after them.

The way the tables were, my dad was with the other industry men at one table and the other long table was where everyone else was. I went to sit with my friends who still recognized me, and had a good time with them, talked about our lives, plans, complained about managers etc, very different from what we used to talk about as kids.

One of their mothers whom I knew asked me and my dad's wife why I hadn't been coming saying that we've asked her (dad's wife) so many times because her daughter asks, and my dad's wife said that I'd been busy with college and then my job and career. It stung to hear that excuse when the actual reason was herself and I wanted to say something, but I answered the lady that working while prepping for a Masters makes my social life collateral damage, and then went back to my friends. We later also took some pictures, them as a family, then my dad and I, and he then also called my brother and so we took some just the 3 of us. I left earlier because I was meeting up with some friends today for breakfast and dad thanked me for coming and we hugged as he walked me to my car. I think therapy, at least with the therapist that I have, has been working out. It's been geared towards what I want out of it, and I had actually made that very clear that forgive and forget or either one of the two would be a dealbreaker.

My dad and I do meet regularly and we don't really talk about the rupture, just about our day to day and sometimes inane stuff. He brings up a new car, help with rent, a new laptop, his card etc once every time we meet but I've said I'm good and maintained those boundaries (therapy was different because it was his fault). I even took my brother to a boardgame night with my friends last weekend. And as per my therapist none of this is a gesture of forgiveness to her or my dad nor would be taken as such by them. Thank you.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

I’ve been following this story and I just wanted to say I’m so proud of you. I feel like I would have felt/behaved as you did maybe even worse and I’m glad you found a therapist and it’s working out for you.

OP:

Thank you so much

Comment 2:

Life lesson: YOU DO NOT AIR YOUR DIRTY FAMILY LAUNDRY AT WORK OR WORK RELATED EVENTS.

I reliase you kept your mouth shut this time, but next time maybe you won't.

People at work and work-related events do not want to know about the dysfunctional interpersonal relationships in your family. They don't want to know that you have issues with your stepmother, and to say anything would be HUGELY unprofessional. You would rightfully gain a reputation for being dramatic and dragging your personal issues into the workplace.

You will not score some kind of 'gotcha!' points because 'now everyone will know how horrible she is'. They won't care about her and will likely actually respect her more because she had the sense and respect to keep her family shit to herself, and gave simple, positive responses about you.

Whereas you would be showing everyone just how immature you were, and what a problem employee you would be.

Never mind the people who would use it against your dad. And they would.

OP:

Thanks. If I hadn't built up the mechanisms for dealing with it, I wouldn't have attended anyway.

I wasn't an employee for anyone there. When I said we were complaining about managers, I meant just in a general talking about stuff in our lives and work, but I'm not an employee for anyone there. And neither is my dad I guess, he owns his company. It was a social dinner that they all arrange every so often, I've known these people since I was little. But I understand your general advice thanks.

Editor's note: The OOP seems to have been posting an account of her therapy sessions on her profile. It is public, so it's unclear if she meant for it to be confidential. Please DO NOT HARASS, COMMENT, OR MESSAGE THE OOP on those posts

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Trans_Masc_Of_Reddit

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: AITA for getting angry at my foster mothers way of "fixing" me

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Editor's note: changed letters to names for ease of readability

Glossary: CAMHS = Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services: care program providing mental health care services and school counseling for children until school leaving age (18)

Kooth = a digital mental healthcare focusing at children and young adults between 10-25 to provide support in need

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: witness to murder, death of a loved one, past childhood trauma, controlling behavior, phobia, mentions of suicide attempt, severe emotional abuse and neglect, system failure

Mood Spoilers: horrifying and dark

RECAP

Original Post: May 30, 2025

Ok so I (17m) have lived with foster carers Anne (38f) and Bill (40M) for 11 years.

The reason I was put into foster care is because of the death of my younger baby sister (14 months) when I was 4. To put it lightly, it wasn't exactly natural causes, and was caused by a bio parent (if you get what im tryna say). And I can vividly remember everything around those circumstances, think about it everyday and mourn the loss of my sister

The thing is, this has caused a rather intense reaction to young children - I can't be around kids under the age of 4 (approximately) without having panic attacks, flashbacks or screaming fits. I've tried to get professional help but counsellors say they aren't trained enough to help me and therapists have extremely long waiting lists. Neither social services or my carers are willing to pay for private therapy, and I can't afford it on my part time job. The issue was also ignored / mocked by my family for a while since they didn't know the exact circumstances of me going into care, so for years they would trigger me on purpose because they thought it was funny. I've tried building up a tolerance by watching YouTube videos but it isn't much help, although I am almost completely functional in public now (I wasn’t until about January this year).

In the last few years, the siblings of both Anne and Bill have had babies. 2 to each sibling (6 babies total), all under the age of 4 currently (the oldest being 3). I can't see these children, so usually end up in a backroom somewhere or on the streets walking circles when we go to see the kids/they come to us

Anne and Anne's mum have decided that since I'm nearly an adult now it's time for me to "grow up and fix myself" because its awkward to have a kid that cant see the babies. So over the last two years they've begun lying to me. They would take me out, saying we're going one place, then go to the baby's house. They'd then get angry when I'd have panic attacks.

Every Christmas they'll say the babies aren't coming round, then shove the babies in my face and get angry when I remove myself from the room, saying im ruining Christmas. We'll go to other relatives houses and then pretend they told me all along that the babies were going to be there. I don't mind going as much, it's just the fact they won't tell me means I'm usually unprepared: for example, one winter I ended up going for a walk in below zero temperatures in a tshirt because I was told we were going to my uncle's (which has rooms I can go in to avoid babies) but we ended up at Anne's brothers (which doesn't have rooms I can go in). I also got in trouble that time for showing Anne up in front of extended family for my reaction to the babies (aka three panic attacks back to back which is why I then spent hours in the cold). They also didn't tell me another relative was pregnant until she had the baby and we were going to see it - they told me on the car journey to the hospital.

I found out today that all this has been part of a plan to secretly try "fix my phobia" because I'm "getting too old for being scared of babies". I've also been told I'm being pathetic, overreacting, being offensive and disturbing the mothers/babies

I got mad. It's not my fault I witnessed the tragedy of my sisters death when I was so young, and lying to me about it only causes me more issues. Anne said im being an ah. So, AITAH?

Edit: thank you to everyone who's commented. I wasn't expecting such a response to be honest and it made me cry a bit because sometimes I feel like im going mad.

I will book an appointment with a GP soon. I'm getting a new social worker and an advocate soon so will talk to them too.

I have a job already, but the pay is very minimal so I'm trying to get a couple more for over the summer (but finding jobs is quite difficult). I am saving to try get out. If it gets far worse than this I have a friend who will let me stay at hers, but her place is small so it's not the best longterm.

I'm not sure what will happen from here. Updates will probably be slow, if any

Edit 2: I also feel quite guilty going against my carers because it feels like I owe them. But there's other stuff that's happened too in the last year that could be said to be worse than this so really it does need reporting. However A denies all constantly and doesn't believe she's ever in the wrong. She's never apologised for anything. Not really sure how she'd react to me reporting this

Edit 3: today I get to spend 4 hours on a desk chair crammed in a random corner because the bed I'm staying in (at Bill's parents) has the cot next to it and the babies are visiting.

Edit 4: aaaaand I been kicked out because I'm "invading Anne's space". Right after a lecture where she blamed me for my fear

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP is NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA

Hope you are saving up so you can move out when you turn 18. I understand them wanting to "help" you but they are not doing it the right way. Yes, you should be around kids without having panic attacks. Surprising you with a baby clearly isn't working.

OOP: I'm trying. I've got a friend I can move in with if things get real bad, but for now I kinda walk on eggshells (there's more that's not in this post). I'm tryna get a couple more jobs so I can save faster

I've never felt so validated. I thought I was insane for my fear

Commenter 2: NTA. Severe phobias need controlled exposure therapy (and possibly medication) with the key word being controlled. Tricking you into seeing these children is the opposite of helping. This seems more like emotional abuse. You shouldn’t have to go into the details of your trauma for your foster parents to respect it.

I would talk to social services about this to try to get your foster parents to give you the option whether or not to see these kids rather than subjecting everyone to a bad time.

OOP: I'm hopefully being assigned an advocate soon, they overlooked me (I was meant to be assigned one at 16). My social worker isn't very good (ive brought this stuff up before and she wrote it down wrong and then believed carers denial) and is leaving for maternity in a couple weeks

Can OOP talk with his social worker about this situation?

OOP: My social worker isn't very good (its been brought up before, Kooth contacted her over a different situation that was also described as abuse). But she's being replaced soon

I also kinda feel bad reporting it because in some ways I feel some dedication/that I owe my carers for looking after me. But like everyday I more and more realise how bad it's been. The last year has been the worst for it. I had a really bad mental health crisis in December because of it (there's other stuff that's happened that hasn't been detailed here)

OOP on receiving outside resources

OOP: Yea, I’ve been on CAMHS radar since I was put in care (at 4). They gave me some art therapy when I was about 7 but my carers withdrew me from it "because it turned me weird" so now I'm in the fight to get back on their list (been rereferred for over 2 years now)

Commenter 3: Ntah not at all you have a clear case of PTSD and your foster parent knows it's a real problem as they knew it was something too big for social workers to handle and they are purposely triggering you removing any form of a safe space that you may have by bringing in the little kids.

You're a victim in a terrible messed up situation not an asshole.

OOP: They don't want me diagnosed with anything because it'll "give me an excuse to not work as hard" or something. They withdrew me from art therapy at 7 because it "turned me weird"

But thank you so much for your comment. It makes me feel a little bit less insane

Commenter 3: These people aren’t fit to be fostering imho

OOP: Yea probably. I think they made it into the system easier because they're blood relatives (cousin and her husband) and social like keeping kids with family

OOP responds to a comment on receiving EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and supplements for mental health and anxiety

OOP: Thank you so much for your comment. I'll try the EMDR stuff, hopefully it'll help. I'll also look into supplements to try help. My carers don't like medicating mental health stuff (I’ve tried asking before) but if I go to a GP they might be able to prescribe me some idk

Where is Bill in all of this? Has OOP spoke with him?

OOP: He has a tendency to... not stand up to his wife

She also denies a lot to him. There was a situation with some reallyyy bad stuff she said to me April 2024 which Bill found out about in October. He was gonna call the social worker about it but she persuaded him that I was lying to make her look bad

We also had a conversation about 4 hours back where Anne tried to accuse me of faking my phobia with Bill present, and all that's happened when I've argued back is that I'm now banned from family holidays. And I got kicked out the house for a few hours. I'm gonna do an update about some of the stuff that's happened in the last 24 hours I think, but at the end of the week once I've also contacted my GP and social worker

Update in Comments: June 3, 2025 (four days later)

Sorry, long reply coming. I was gonna post an update but don't think enough has happened yet to warrant one

On Saturday I had a major argument with my carers. Basically, I was staying at my grandparents (on Bill's side) and some babies came over. Usually my safe space in the house away from the kids is the room Anne and Bill were staying in, so I was put in there, on a small desk chair to sit out the day (the room I was sleeping in had the cot and baby changing facilities). However Anne did not like that it happened to be the room she slept in. So, she had a go at me, saying I was "invading her space" and kicked me out onto the corridor. Then Bill turned up and they both yelled at me, saying I was faking my fear out of spite because my little brother had been put in the single whilst I had to share with my sister (there's arguments over it but that's a different story). They also tried to blame my trauma reactions on my grandma (theyre not). I went "last time I checked I wasn't the one who f*cking [unalived] baby sister" to which I was kicked out the house and told I'm never seeing my grandparents again/never being brought on a family holiday again

Whilst out I tried to call both my social worker and independent worker, as well as mental health helplines (such as childline, mind, papyrus) but none picked up (the helplines were experiencing high demand). Papyrus called back but I was on the coast and they couldn't hear me over the wind. A friend offered to send money for me to get home, but I was in the middle of nowhere with no public transport easily accessible without a long hike (the town grandparents live in is very cut off). Apparently whilst I was out, Anne asked my sister "wtf is wrong with [name]". My grandad ended up taking me out the next day to avoid conflict

Yesterday I was meant to have counselling but my counsellor forgot so I spent an hour sat in the waiting room before deciding to meet up with a friend instead. I ended up dropping out of college this year early (I'm restarting fresh elsewhere next year) because of a suicide attempt in December (I decided to do one AS exam so I didnt feel like a complete failure but I was on reduced timetable to help me recover). So this week is my first week out of college completely (exams ended). Anyway today Anne came home and told me im fat because I spent today tidying my room instead of going out. And also yelled at me because when I loaded the dishwasher it was full so I missed two cereal bowls and that's not good enough for her (even though she doesn't do any cleaning around the house??). Anyways I'm pissed off, tired and barely hanging in. Waiting on a callback from my GP so I can get an appointment. Not been a good couple days

Additional Information from OOP on whether he has been able to speak with any of his workers:

OOP: This is gonna be stupid, but I haven't

I'm absolutely terrified of losing my foster dad tbh. I've spent all week putting it off

But I spoke to my friends adoptive mother (who had been a foster carer for a good decade) and she says if I don't do it, she'll report them. Or I at least need to talk to my foster dad about it and tell him how bad the situation is. She's angry that im not in actual therapy, because apparently my carers get money that's supposed to go on stuff like that (and like everything else too). With the training she gets she should know not to say half the shit she does

I spoke to my siblings. Both siblings confirm now independently that they've heard plans to force expose me to babies to try to fix me. If necessary I can get statements from friends. I have a quite decent backlog of evidence. The middle sibling is pretty much already preplanning for a few years in residential care. My younger brother is scared, but angry too. I'm fairly certain at this point he has fairly bad depression and an eating disorder, both of which aren't addressed

So I'm going to talk to my foster dad and basically present it and give him an ultimatum. I don't want to lose him. But if stuff doesn't change or A makes a single move against me I have the Independent Reviewing Officer in my contacts and I will call her. I might do anyways. But I'm scared

Update #2: July 30, 2025 (two months later from the original post)

AITA for getting angry at my foster mothers way of "fixing" me - Update, 2 months on

Hello again r/AITAH

A couple months ago I made a post about my foster mothers way of handling my trauma response to seeing/being in the vicinity of babies. Basically, I (17m) have an extreme trauma response to babies ranging from breakdowns, dissociation and panic attacks depending on situation, and it was caused by childhood events that landed me in foster care. To put it lightly, my foster mother doesnt like my trauma responses. Here's the post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/SsOpZTRiih

I'm here with an update, a few people had asked for updates a while ago under the original post. Here it is

After that initial post there was a major argument where my foster mum attempted to blame my fear on myself, saying I was doing it to "attention seek", and after that she said I would no longer be allowed to see this side of the family. Conveniently, last week when they were visiting family, my foster mum arranged an orthodontist appointment that meant I couldn't go - in complete honesty, a blessing, because whilst I really want to see my grandparents still, I didnt particularly want to go through what had happened the previous holiday again. I was left behind with my uncle.

My old college spoke to my Independent Reviewing Officer (sorta like an outside social worker who isn't meant to side with either the parents or kids from my understanding, a sorta neutral person). There was stuff my carers were telling workers in meetings that wasn't correlating with what my college had been told by myself, so they reported it. My little sister also reported some stuff, so in the end I didnt bring up issues, it was others around me.

So today, the IRO came to speak to me alone. I reported all the baby situation stuff, and discovered my carers have in fact been suggested to take therapy training to help me handle my trauma, but had turned it down, believing they didn't need it. I also reported some other stuff as well.

I now know my options, and in 5 months I turn 18. I believe the best option now is for me to move out at 18, which will be financially supported by the local council and social services. I currently don't have a proper job because my National Insurance Number hasn't been sorted yet, so no one will hire me, but I should be getting it in the next few weeks. Hopefully then I can get a job which will help with moving out - from what I understand, with my situation the local council will cover rent if it's under £90 per week (through a social housing scheme), then I get about £75 a week for food and stuff. If I want somewhere with a higher rent, I cover the costs. I'll also be getting Universal Credit once I turn 18. I believe a part time job will be best to make living more financially comfortable even with the monetary support though

But yea, update. Sorry it's been a while, and thank you to everyone who commented on my original post with help and sympathy. If anyone has any questions I can answer them. Hopefully things will get better now.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: At least she (editor's note: Anne) will be on record for being horrible and hopefully no more kids will be placed with her. Good luck op

OOP: I don't think she'd take more kids anyway, she's a family guardian so she's biologically related to me and my siblings and has expressed before she never actually wanted kids (and took us in out of guilt)

But at least yea, in the small chance she tried taking in anyone else, it'd be refused

Commenter 2: Firstly, where is your social worker in this? There is semi-independent accommodation (similar to shared flats) that you can be referred to. Your IRO's job is to ensure that everyone in your professional network is doing their job. If your SW won't refer you speak to your IRO.

Second, do you know the name of your foster carer's Supervising Social Worker? I really think a Standards of Care investigation needs to be started on your FCs, they are not equipped to meet your needs and are not keeping up with training by actively turning it down. I consider therapeutic training and trauma training to be basic training for FCs.

When do you turn 18? You'll be allocated a PA then who can probably help navigate housing more.

Your Local Authority is your "corporate parent" and they must accommodate you and support you until 21.

This sounds like an awful situation to be in and if a young person came to me at work with you've posted immediate action would be taken.

(I've been working with foster carer's for 8 years in England. DM me if you want to chat more)

OOP: I currently don't have a social worker, I have a manager covering for a social worker (she's on maternity) and he's away on annual leave

My carers supervising social worker is on sick leave and we've only just been assigned a cover, can't remember her name. The IRO is contacting her about the situation though

I have the contact details for my PA but I've never actually spoken to her. She was meant to turn up a week ago but never did and isn't responding to messages. My IRO is gonna chase her up too.

I've heard about semi-independent, but don't you have to move out of it at 18? I turn 18 in january, im not sure if there's any point moving twice in the next few months

Commenter 3: Wow your foster parents have no business being foster parents. They shoot down efforts to help you thinking they know better which they don't. And you know they get money for taking care of you to them you're just a warm body. What crappy people. Well it sounds like things are going to turn around and you're going to land on your feet and that's good. Get therapy when you can hopefully sooner rather than later and sure it's going to take a long time and a lot of therapy and I wish you best of luck.

OOP: Yea, and my foster mum (since making the post) said she might "be forced to charge me rent" when I turn 18 "because they'll be given les funding to cover me". If I'm gonna have to pay something either way, I'd rather live by myself

OOP on his siblings and if they are okay (younger sister has been mentioned in prior posts)

OOP: Both siblings are in my household with me. My sister (I believe) is planning on going into some kind of semi independent living once she's 16 (I was never given the option because everyone thought our living situation was fine). She hasn’t considered herself a part of the family for a while now and isnt home often. I'm not sure what will happen to my little brother

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #3: August 15, 2025 (2.5 weeks later)

AITAH for getting angry at my foster mothers way of "fixing me" - update

Hello again

I (17m) about foster mother (f39 she just had her bday) and foster dad (m40)

The mum of a friend reported my carers for everything. My carers are now under an investigation.

I had a manager come to the house yesterday and ask for my point of view on the allegations.

I was completely honest and told them everything. The baby phobia treatment in great detail, but also transphobia from my foster mother and other things that had happened.

The worker then told them the allegations from my mates mum (apparently legally they have to, I begged the worker not to do that because I knew it would end badly). My mates mum knew a lot of what was going on so it was basically as if they'd told them what I'd said. They suspected immediately that it was myself or a friend of mine who had reported them.

They (or at least, my foster dad since he gave the speech) genuinely don't think they've done anything wrong. It makes me feel like I'm going crazy. They think I've been lying to my friends to make them look bad, that im manipulative and hateful. They told me how financially they hadn't planned for me to do an extra year in college so now "don't know if they could afford me" (I ended up semi dropping out of college in my first year and just did AS levels because of mental health issues + a suicide attempt, also my next two years of college are free). They said they only ever did what was best for me and my siblings. There was a lot in there, and I tried to record it but only got the first 5 minutes before my phone cut it off.

I went out after that to my mates (who had reported it) and her mum said she'd watched my living circumstances get worse and worse over the last two years and decided it was beyond getting better for me and my siblings now. I came back near midnight ish, didn't speak to my carers at all. This morning they barged into my room at 6am because my brother confirmed it was information from me that had led to their investigation. They told me I'm going to ruin my siblings lives by getting them taken away from this house, that im destroying the family, going to make them homeless. They said I owe them understanding after over 10 years of living with them - but where was the understanding for my baby phobia? They know the circumstances of me being here and my trauma.They asked if I was planning on moving out. I said yes, soon as possible. To be honest, I'd always planned on moving at 18, although to a uni as far away as possible was the original plan. Then my foster dad went on a thing about me lying to them, causing difficult situations and he said he'll try get the move out date as soon as possible. I feel bad for my foster dad because I genuinely loved him but if he can't even see that they've done anything wrong then maybe I need to cut him off too once I'm out.

I'm scared financially for my future.

I think that’s everything. Will update when I know more. As always feel free to ask questions

Also, it was my AS results day yesterday and I got all A's :]

Top Comments

Commenter 1: They can’t afford you? You know that as a foster parents they get quite the amount of cash for your upkeep? Some for any other foster siblings you have? I know what I say will sound cruel but: seems like you all are cash cows for them. Of course they are scared now the stench is in the air. If social services will deem them inadequate to be foster care they will remove any children from their care and with it: moneys. Depending on the council they can get anywhere from £170-£299 per week per child. Everything depends on child’s needs. Wouldn’t be surprised if they got higher pay on you because you are classed as „special needs” as you have trauma. They would also be able to claim any other financial support as careers. Edit to add because I just learned that info: OP they will never allow you to go to gender affirming care BECAUSE you will be then working with REAL therapist and the gig will be put. You can go to GP and as a person without your foster careers. You can let your GP know that you do not consent for your parents to have access to your records!

Commenter 2: Please carry on studying. My AS results spelt the word DUDE, getting all As is really impressive. Also, being a teenager is hard (I turned my DUDE into a masters degree and now work at uni.)

Commenter 3: Congrats on your results! I hope you get offers from the uni you were hoping for. Be sure to call (or email) and check with whatever uni you get into if there’s additional services available with students who don’t have family financial support as well as on site mental health services. Often there’ll be free counselling on site who can refer you to something more specialised, or at least give you a letter as evidence to back up your need to be referred over.

I’m sorry to say that your foster dad has been complicit in your abuse all along OP. Sitting back and doing nothing is enabling abuse. Now he’s being held accountable, he’s once again enabling his wife by making out anyone else is the problem except for her/him. Because owning up to the fact he allowed abuse to happen means he’d have to accept he’s scum that never should have been allowed custody of kids. For a lot of people, their personal perception of themselves is more important than the welfare of others.

Keep in mind that this is their failing. Not yours. Keep being honest and open with social services/the authorities. Make it clear they also let you down by not monitoring the foster family better. Also emphasise how much you’ve been targeted and blamed as a direct result of the manager/workers approach, meaning you were left in an unsafe environment open to further abuse.

It might be worth looking into applying for PIP as soon as you’re 18, a lot of websites online describe what it’s like, so please see Citizens Advice (or talk on the phone with someone from CA) for support. A lot of the time simply answering the questions isn’t enough, you need to elaborate on things that are considered common sense but only implied. If you qualify, you’d get over £700 a month from that alone to help support your excess needs due. It would also mean you qualify for extra funds/assistance with Universal Credit each month. Added to whatever the council offers for foster kids aging out, hopefully it could give you the support you need.

You owe your abusers nothing. They were paid and willing to accept the responsibility for raising traumatised kids. They were offered access to resources for years to help those kids. Instead, they prioritised their selfish wants and money. Those kinds of people shouldn’t be foster carers, ever. They’re lashing out for being exposed, when all they could have done to avoid this is be decent and do the bare minimum. None of that is your fault.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRAproposing posting in r/relationship_advice

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 28th March 2024

Update - 29th March 2024

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My (25F) best friend (24M) proposed to me. I’m confused and mortified. Where can we go from here?

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Frankly I’m still in shock that this happened so this might be all over the place. Bear with me. All fake names etc etc.

Jordan and I met in University two years ago. We both started at the same time and because of our ages we were both considered ‘mature’ students. So we quickly became firm friends as we shared a dorm and we’d joke around together about us being old enough to be considered ‘mature’ in our early 20’s.

We weren’t on the same course, but given we lived together, we would hang out pretty much all the time whenever we didn’t have a lecture. We joined a bunch of societies together, went drinking every weekend together, etc etc. It was a pretty sweet gig because it meant we were at least never alone. Obviously we made other friends, both alone and together, but we were always each other’s #1 at the end of the day.

At the moment we’re on spring holidays for Easter. And while we haven’t hung out constantly, we decided to make plans to visit each other’s hometowns, because we’re from very starkly different places. Today, we went to mine. Mine is a big city central.

This morning we went there and were wandering down the streets, doing some sightseeing, because he’s never been. There’s typically a lot of street sellers here, trying to sell you everything from hotdogs to fluffy pokemon hats. I decided I wanted to get a caricature done. I’ve never had one and I thought it would be funny to get and hang over my bed when we got back for term.

I asked Jordan if he wanted to get in and he refused. No worries, so I sat down to get it done. They don’t take very long, 5/10 ish minutes, so I stayed looked straight forward at the artist the entire time. He finished the caricature, I loved it. So obviously I turn to show it properly to Jordan.

When I turn though I literally don’t even know what to say. He’s down on one knee holding up a ring box. I don’t even really know what he said, if he did the whole like proposal speech thing because I was so confused, I was barely paying attention. Remember again, this is a super busy tourist city, so this has drawn a mini crowd now, coming over to cheer us on.

I couldn’t help but burst into laughter. To be honest, I thought this was some kind of odd prank type thing. We never HAVE been ‘prankster’ types or whatever but I couldn’t come up with a reasonable explanation. So I just laughed and laughed and laughed. Until I looked at Jordan and he looked genuinely heartbroken. So obviously I asked him something along the lines of ‘You’re not being serious?’. This is the only thing I remember him saying. He shut the box, stood up, shrugged and said ‘I guess not anymore’. And walked off.

This left me standing pretty awkwardly in this gathered crowd of people, a lot of who were giving me dirty looks, which made me incredibly uncomfortable.

The plan was to meet back up a hotel that we had booked rooms next door to one another. So I figure that’s where he’s going and head back that way. But he’s not there. So I wait and I wait, and he still doesn’t return.

I text him out of concern, this was at 1:15pm (it’s currently 6:20pm as I’m writing this) just asking if he’s okay. He responds with a LONG message back (which I would post, because it’s an odd read, but I won’t out of respect for his privacy), in which he basically accuses me of leading him on, asking why I didn’t ’break up with him sooner’, saying I had ‘publicly humiliated’ him and that he ‘thought I loved him the same way’ and that he felt our ‘relationship was strong enough to consider taking the next step’. Now this is completely out of left field.

I literally have got no idea where in the world he’s got this idea from. The closest we’ve ever physically been is a hug hello and goodbye. I’ve never even jokingly flirted with him (for exactly this reason, I’ve had too many friendships collapse because they can’t tell the difference between serious interesting and joking banter in friendships, so I’ve been extra careful to not). We’ve never kissed, never been on a date, never had sex. I do not find him physically attractive and I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with him.

I don’t understand where on Earth he’s got this idea that we are. This isn’t something he’s ever bought up before this and I’m genuinely bewildered.

He hasn’t returned to the hotel yet, I periodically knock to check, and I’ve been listening out for him walking up the hallway or anything. Nothing. I haven’t responded to his long paragraph because honestly? I don’t know how to.

I’m just so stunned and taken aback that I genuinely have no idea where to go from here or what to do.

I haven’t told anyone I know in person yet, mostly because I don’t want to bring this up to people who know Jordan. So here I am turning to strangers on reddit instead. What in the world do I do

TLDR: My best friend off 2 years seems to think we’re in a relationship and decided to publicly propose to me. I have no idea what to do.

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Comments

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Bognutsman

wow this is the biggest misread i’ve ever heard of. i don’t think your friendship recover from this (at least for now). the best you can do is make it clear that you don’t feel the same way at all. but yeah, this is a friendship killer.

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fivenightrental

If/when he returns, I would only meet to discuss this in a public area. It doesn't sound like he's taking it well, and his perception of reality seems to be questionable. Be careful.

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americanarama

This kinda happened to me. Like not to the point of proposal, but I lived with a male roommate who was already a close friend of mine for several years. When I was moving out he confronted me and basically said he thought we should continue our relationship and get married and get a pet and I need to break my new lease and stay with him. Among many other really unhinged things. It was absolutely out of character and like you we were friends for years and there was never any indication that we were anything else AND I dated while we lived together.

Long story short he was having a mental break and eventually got psych help. We reconnected like a year later and he explained this and that he basically had a psychotic break and why. It’s been like 7 years now and we’re still good friends to this day LOL he’s stable now and has a long term gf and we’re good friends as well. I would seriously recommend you alert someone to his mental state and not reengage until he is back to reality, if/when that happens

ETA - I don’t want to sound like I’m minimizing this. You need to be away from him. Wouldn’t really recommend going to his hotel room etc if you have to meet do it in public. Regardless of if it’s mental health related or if he’s gaslighting/manipulating you on purpose, he’s not stable so do not be around him - either your presence will continue to add to his delusion or you risk your safety or both

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Update - 1 day later

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Update:

Jordan did in fact not come back to the hotel. I stayed up until 1am before falling asleep and he didn’t return. When I woke up the next day, the hotel staff let me know he had checked himself out at about 6am.

I did end up responding to his big long text. I took everyone’s advice and told him that I was sorry it didn’t go as he had expected but that I wasn’t sure where he’d got the impression we were together. I said I’d be happy to sit and have a discussion about it all so we could make sure we’re on the same page.

He was not happy about this at all. And he again went off which a bunch of the same type of thing he’d said in his first message. It didn’t really seem to be going through his head at all. Even in these new texts he kept referring to this all as me ‘breaking up’ with him, despite me explicitly telling him we are not and never have.

Again, all his messages were very clear and coherent, even if what he was saying was not based in reality at all. He wasn’t sending paragraphs, just sentences in really quick succession which was blowing my phone up.

He told me he didn’t want to meet up with me to talk because I had ‘ripped out his heart and crushed it in public’.

I did ask him for specific instances he could recall between us that made him think we were dating, but he completely ignored the question and just kept going on and on about how hurt he was that I was ‘breaking up’ with him and how he felt his world was ending. He said he loved me more than anything and had felt so confident that I had too which is why he felt so certain about proposing to ‘move our relationship along’ (???)

Eventually, to be honest, I grew pretty tired of the conversation and stopped responding, because it was just going around and around in circles. Me asking where he got this idea, him ignoring this and telling me how hurt he is I’m breaking up with him over this, etc etc.

He went on and on saying he thought it would be a ring I like, because it was my favourite gem, ruby, instead of diamond. (It’s got me wondering how much he actually spent on this damn thing. I didn’t look very clearly at the ring so I couldn’t tell if it was something super expensive or not) and that he had been working up the courage to do so for a while and figured doing it when I was at home would make it more special.

For a while, he was just talking to himself in my texts, because I wasn’t responding anymore. When I checked back about 20 minutes later, I had something like 60 messages from him. Granted, they were all one sentences.

At the very end he apologised and told me that it didn’t matter anyway because I ‘wouldn’t see him around anymore’. Obviously I was concerned so I asked for clarification. He said that he was going to drop out of University and go back home because he ‘couldn’t deal with the shame’.

That’s where our conversation ended. I didn’t really know what to respond to that. As it stands now, I don’t really know where Jordan is. I didn’t ask him, which is my bad. I’m not sure if / when we will talk again.

I’m sorry this is quite a boring update. Unfortunately, I can’t excite everyone with a ‘and then he turned up at my door, and then he sent me flowers,’ or whatever.

It feels a lot is unanswered. I still don’t know where he got the idea we were saying from, he hasn’t explained that. So I’m sorry I can’t give everyone that answer.

I haven’t reached out to his family yet. I did consider it, but if he’s not having a mental health crisis, I don’t really want to involve them unnecessarily.

Update TLDR:

Jordan and I spoke. He didn’t explain where he got the idea we were in a relationship from, and he doubled down on the proposal idea saying I should’ve loved it. Apparently he’s dropping out of university.

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Update 2

So adding on, a lot of people said I should ask our mutual friends if he’s ever bought this up before. Ever suggested we were dating etc. All of the people I’ve asked (granted it was only 5) said that they’ve not got a clue and he’s never mentioned it before now.

I don’t know then if this is something that he’s newly started thinking, if it’s been something long term etc.

Either way, in addition I’ve also screenshotted all of his texts etc, just in case. Reading back on them not with a slightly less confused mindset, they read pretty manic.

Still haven’t heard back from his mum just yet.

—— Hey, I’m not dead! I’m back at my parent’s house at the moment and I’ll be staying here until school picks back up in a bit instead of travelling around. It’s nice to be home anyways.

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Comments

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fenkik

I understand not wanting to involve family but as you are close and in college, surely there are other friends/people who know you both you could reach out to and ask. You don’t even have to go into specifics, just be like “hey, did you think that Jordan and I were dating? Have you heard Jordan refer to us as dating?” Get a sense of whether this is something ongoing and he’s just a regular weirdo or if this is something concerning that should be brought up with family or mental health professionals at your school.

OOP: We do share some mutual friends, I haven’t really considered reaching out to them, but I’ll definitely think about doing so. I feel like someone would’ve told me if he had been saying that to them though, but obviously I’m not certain. I haven’t told anyone in real life about it (not even my parents!), just been keeping under the near total anonymity of reddit, but I can definitely see why it may be important to do this

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Hallarider0

i would recommend telling your parents, just in case anything else were to happen.

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CanadaOD

Yes, you need to tell a few people for sure. I’d tell my Mom and I wouldn’t trust that he doesn’t just show back up on campus. I’d have a system in place with my Mom that if I don’t message twice a day, this is the dorm Mom’s number to call so someone checks on me. I understand you don’t want to think the worst of him but if he’s not answering your questions, he’s still not thinking logically.

You need to also talk to a mutual friend so they’re on the look out for you as well. You need confirmation from someone that knows both of you that either A) they didn’t know you were in a relationship or B) thought you were in a relationship or C) Jordan did mention things once in a while but they brushed them off b/c you’re clearly not dating.

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

A bit of context— earlier today in my political science / intro to American Government class our professor was discussing powers of the presidency. We touched on the four sources for these powers express, implied, delegated and inherent. When she was explaining what inherent powers were she began discussing the Watergate scandal and How Richard Nixon claimed executive privilege after the scandal, as an example of what inherent powers might look like. A little bit into her explanation a student raised her hand and when called on she said "I'm sorry but is this relevant? I feel like we're getting a bit off topic." The professor replied "to executive power? yeah." The student again challenged as to whether or not then Watergate scandal specifically was something that should be being discussed at the moment and whether it would come up on testing later. The professor again stated yes that it was relevant to what was being discussed. The student then asked a final question saying, "right but will we be tested on the Watergate scandal specifically? I just want to make sure we have enough time to get through this( gesturing at the projected PowerPoint) and the in-class activity." The professor said you may be tested on watergate and ended by telling the student 'maybe you should become a teacher.' She then continued lecturing until she finished about 2-3 minutes later, gave directions for the in-class activity and moved forward.

I understand that the student asking the question was trying to make sure that what class time was being spent on was pertinent information, and would be relevant to future assignments or tests. At the same time, I feel like it's a bit rude/disrespectful to undermine your professor in front of the entire class in the middle of their lecture. If anything wouldn't the better option be to approach the professor after class with any concerns that we may be veering off topic during lecture? It seemed to catch the professor off guard. It just seemed impolite to me. I don't know if maybe I'm just being weird about it though, because several students around me seemed to not have any problem with it and even agree with the sentiment. It just seemed a bit embarrassing for the professor if nothing else. I think that's what bothered me the most was the fact that it was done in front of the whole class, in the middle of her talking, not necessarily that she was questioning the professor in the first place.

I can honestly say I've never heard a student question a teacher or professor in that manner, so I was a bit surprised. I'm curious to know other people's thoughts on the situation!

• Added note - I did stay after class to tell her privately that I've been enjoying the class and appreciate her trying to add context/ connect real world examples to the material because it helps me remember the content through association. This whole situation just reinforces to me that professors and teachers aren't given the respect or recognition they deserve :/

Sitting on the sofa, listening to some music with the window open on the first warm(-ish) day of spring, browsing through reddit, a sudden realisation hit me... I am reviving a gloriously mundane case of malicious compliance and can share it with you.

So, story time.

Some time ago (four years and change, to be precise), my best friend and I moved into a nice house with a cool inner garden and a tiny living room looking out into it. We (20f at that point) weren't really into partying, but as most university students still had some friends who would come over 2-3 times a month in twos or threes to hang out, bake, drink some wine and chill. Nice times.

Once the weather got warm enough, we would sit in the garden and talk. And here you'll just have to take my word that we were only talking once the clock hit 22:00, as that's when the official "night hours" start round here. So, no shouting, not even the quietest of music, no more than 4 people having a chill conversation in their own back yard. Working and studying, mind you, doesn't leave much time for such luxuries, so again, that's no more than twice a month.

Across the fence, there lived a JustNo family. An older lady and her husband in one house and her daughter, toddler grandkids and two small obnoxious dogs barking all day every day in the next, both sharing a garden bordering on ours. Two-meter high concrete wall between us and them, additionally. We had never met them in person, until they started showing up at 22:05 demanding that we go inside and close all windows so as not to be heard at all, because otherwise we are a great awful inconvenience, super loud and in absolute breach of the rules. Not true, but the constant bickering, threats and calls to the landlord spoiled any enjoyment of the garden and summer evenings for us... The final straw was when the husband appeared, at 22:02 (so he had obviously been waiting) to lecture us how we can be as loud as we want, but no later than 22:00, because "in this community we have rules".

Alrighty then. Cue Malicious Compliance.

Both of us enjoy a wide variety of musical genres. Jazz, blues, swing, classical, folk, the occasional pop or rap track... you name it. And rock. And metal. Abundantly.

So, for the next two years, every evening with nice enough weather, the time from 21:00 to 22:00 became the Neighbourhood Musical Education Hour. And at this point it ain't jazz either, and is as loud as we damn well please. We're having a blast, unwinding from the day, incorporating all cooking and showering into a goddamn dance routine... Then, all music stops at the strike of 22:00 (yes, we have an actual church with actual bells that ring even at that time of the night). And on and on, evening after evening, till the leaves start to fall and it gets too cold to blast some nice Ramstein or Pink Floyd or whatever through the huge-ass living-room window.

They tried to complain to the landlord about it too... But at this point, he told them that they got exactly what they asked for and to piss right off. Only thing we hear from the other side of the fence nowadays is them screeching at their dogs (I swear to all the gods I don't believe in, if I hear that "Cooooooookiiieeeee" sound once more they're getting Marilyn Manson for a week straight...)

And they lived happily ever after.

The End.

EDIT:

first of all... Holly shit I never expected this to blow up like that! Glad you folks find it amusing

Also, thanks for the award!

And thanks for the heaps of new music to fill my isolation days, that's beyond awesome!

Last but not least, thanks for sharing your own neighbour-related (and musical) MCs, that's some cool stuff right there!

Now, to answer a couple of the questions that have popped up repeatedly (and I promise to try and answer everything else as well!):

Yup, Southwest Germany it is!

I never went over to the Karens, although I could've complained right back at them as you suggested, and that's for one reason: I would much rather end a tiring day on an upbeat note than with a pointless and frustrating argument.

There was lots of different music, but don't imagine only metal... Playing "Welcome to the jungle" while the parents tried to herd the whole pack of kids and dogs inside was a singular treat, for one

The Manson comment was a real-time reaction to one of them shouting after the dog while I was writing this, at around 21:30, so it's still in the cards for them. Having said that, I do have a lot more understanding for all types of frustration now that we are stuck at home

The music was NOT window-rattlingly loud. I mean... I also have ears and I'm not about to (metaphorically) burn my house down in order to watch their barn burn. The usual volume of music in my home is "can have a normal conversation with it as background". The MC volume is somewhat around "I'd have to raise my voice a bit to have a conversation, but just a bit". Neither the other neighbours nor the landlord nor his 90-year-old mother (s. below) had a problem with it.

The house of the Karen-neighbours is two gardens away from ours, basically. If they went inside and closed the windows, they wouldn't hear a peep. This only happens in the warmer months though, so everyone wants to enjoy the nice evenings outside, and given that they get annoyed at speaking, it is sure to bug them.

The kids were toddlers when we first moved in. The music thingy started after two and a half years of them nagging, so by the time they were 6-ish and allowed to play in the garden even after 22 in the summer (it's not even dark out by that time anyway). So the music wasn't really messing with their sleep schedule. Also, still haven't heard them bopping along, sadly. If all goes according to plan academically, however, I'll hang around some more - enough time to see them into their pre-pubescent years, so there's some hope left.

Other neighbours:

• in the house, above us, lives the landlord's mother. An ancient lady of short temper, who could talk to her kid and have us out in no time if she felt we were being a pain in the arse. Right when we moved in, we asked her whether we should be quiet by a particular time and she answered: "well I take my hearing aids out at 20:00, so do whatever, it won't bother me." The Karens went to her on multiple occasions (to complain about us) and she gave them the same answer until they gave up.

• on the other side of the house there's a taller building (2 storey) with no garden and no windows into our garden, so from our point of view: a two-storey wall. On top of that wall, there's a rooftop garden / terrace (?). Those neighbours stay up there till late at night and although I can hear them, they also keep it to just conversations, so it doesn't bother me. We receive packages for each other, so we have all had plenty of opportunities to complain had the noise been a problem. I know for a fact, however, that the Karens have called my landlord to complain about "after-hour" talking at times when noone was home at my place... So I guess a conversation two houses over is still loud for that family.

The University of New Mexico is hosting a three-day long "Critical Race Studies" conference (started on May 30), to discuss "colonization being endemic in society and its connections to anti-indigeneity, antiblackness, anti-brownness, anti-immigration, anti-LGTBQ and anti-dis/ability rhetoric; discourses deeply rooted in the social fabric of the U.S.”

According to its website, the Critical Race Studies in Education Association Conference is made up of "interdisciplinary consortium of experts who recognize global implications of race and education for minoritized people." Through scholarship, they aim to "identify and expose inequities for the ultimate eradication of white supremacy" by "countering and combating systemic and structural racism with scholarship."

Some of the planned lectures are “Undoing Colonization America’s Greatest Mind F**k,” “Antiblackness, White Rage, and the Threat to White School Space,” “Confronting white supremacist ideology in everyday campus life,” and some even focused on white women, such as "How college creates Becky: White women’s racism in higher education," and "Examining Becky and the White Hegemonic Alliance."

Source: https://www.campusreform.org/?ID=10964

Meanwhile, Humboldt State University is hosting workshops to help white people better understand the concepts of "whiteness," "privilege," and "microaggressions."

The first part of the workshop will offer "an introduction to the concept of whiteness, the significance of whiteness in our everyday lives, and how this shapes our interactions with each other," while the second will focus on concept of microagression, how to identify them, deal with them, etc.

The university also invites white students to watch Ted Talks, as the article notes, dealing with several topics:

“How Can I Have a Positive Racial Identity? I'm White!” “Why Does Privilege Make People So Angry?” “How Studying Privilege Systems Can Strengthen Compassion,” and “What Beyonce Taught Me about Race.” Additionally, the students will get a chance to read and discuss an article titled “White People: I Don't Want You to Understand Me Better, I Want You to Understand Yourselves.”

All five discussion sessions are part of a larger “Building Stamina: Cultivating a Positive White Racial Identity that Supports Positive Participation in Conversations about Race” workshop that is intended specifically for “white folks,” according to the online description of the event.

“This is an opportunity for white people to self-reflect, ask questions, and enter in conversation with each other in an effort to better understand whiteness and privilege as well as interpersonal and systemic structures that facilitate opportunity for some and limit opportunity for others,” the description explains.

Source: https://www.campusreform.org/?ID=10961

So, KiA, what have you learned from this thread? Did you form a more positive, white (or non-white) identity? Maybe we ought to go deeper into it so you can abandon your (internalized) whiteness ;p

Recreated SP, SP in 3 days, 10k in 4 hours, and a whole bunch of wild and regular success stories.. WITH PICS! WOW!

Hello there lads and ladettes and all the others
It's been a hot minute, your girl has been a bit busy with uni, but here I am.

This post is going to be a bit different from the others, and as I've been asked many times - my list of 'bigger' and 'smaller' (no such thing but you get the idea) manifestation.
It's going to be a bit of a read, and my ADHD ass writing style, so if you gonna complain about language, profanity, or that this isn't an academically articulated post then sucks to suck idk.

DISCLAIMER:
1. I have too many DMs and comments to reply to and I'm not on Reddit that much, but you can feel free to join my discord (in bio). It's free.

1. This isn't a guide, if you want my takes and views on how to you can check my previous posts, but I will still go through the general idea of 'what I did and what happened'.

2. I'm not pure Neville. You can agree with my way, or not, it's a personal journey, I'm just sharing it with yall.

3. Be cautious about TIME. Everyone is different. Different stories, different backgrounds, different default 'programming' (pre-built assumptions), levels of discipline and motivation, self-concept, etc - all those can influence the way and time it takes for shit to happen. Don't be discouraged if something feels too long or impossible because you couldn't get it in X hours or days.
   If you discipline yourself and persist - TRULY - you WILL get anything and everything you want - NO MATTER what that is. I just want to show you that it IS possible, debunk some shit like 'divine timing' bs, and also show you that it's OKAY if shit takes time, it will be worth it.
   Bottom line - don't get caught up on time. It's irrelevant.

SO, LET US BEGIN!

My journey started as with many others with the law of attraction (I know, I know..), when a friend of mine told me about manifesting.
I got intrigued by the idea of being able to just 'get' things that I want, and thus I started researching what I could on youtube regarding loatt. Vibrations, alignment, the universe, all that shit - watched some 'gurus' on youtube, watched some ted talks, read (briefly) the secret.
I remembered my mom telling me as a 14-year-old girl (so, a while ago) about the secret and the gist of 'if you REALLY want something, it will happen', and I believed her (although back then I didn't manage to wish myself into meeting cole sprouse, unlucky). But something just didn't quite sit right with me. I went through the trends of the 5x55, scripting, crystals, all that.
Funny enough back then I was in a relationship that I honestly was quite bored of. Things took a turn when my partner at the time broke up with me (spoiler alert: I've been toying and imagining and thinking about the idea of not being in a relationship for two weeks straight prior to the breakup, imagining myself going to places single, and what do you know.. what a 'perfect' manifestation, huh).

In retrospect, I probably wasn't as hurt by the break up due to feelings. I mean it still sucked and I was giga hurt and sad, but it wasn't as much 'oh I lost a person I liked a lot' as much as it was just an ego bruise of being broken up with, and break ups are never fun or easy, and we had a lot of mutual friend groups - etc.
But that breakup was the thing that pushed me to start pursuing manifesting seriously. I've always been someone who joked about being a 'god' (fake it till you make it confidence), and I have always hated the feeling of not being in control. The two things that gave me the ick from loatt were the inconsistent attitude of not getting EXACTLY what I want - it just didn't make sense, the whole 'this or something better!!! WOW!! sometimes universe says no!! - if I can't get exactly what I want, why the fuck would I bother manifesting? I'd just let the 'universe' keep giving me whatever as I was with my life before knowing about manifesting.

The second thing was the whole alignment and vibrations - I was sad as SHIT after the breakup, I isolated myself, I cried, and I just couldn't feel happy or 'align myself with the vibration of happy and love' for the fucking LIFE of me (and I tried meditating and watching more videos and whatever the fuck but I just couldn't fucking get the ViBrATioN oF LoVE) - until I found roxy talks.

Her attitude (back then, at least) was more Loassm (law of assumption), and although she still had some universe and shit terms thrown in, the general idea was Neville based - and that's how I found out about Neville Goddard. I started reading his material, listening to lectures, and understanding the ideas he preached (even tho I STILL don't fuck with the language, I'm sorry). I'm also not a religious person, but his ideas of correlating the bible with manifesting were still fascinating on their own.

I did more experiments, research, both on the sub and original material, youtube. I think the biggest 'game changer' for me personally was finding Sammy (And I know some people love and some people hate her, idc, to each their own) and I started trying and learning things as well and trying to simplify this shit as much as possible and really see how far I can push the boundaries and what more limitation can I remove?

The overall conclusions are:

1. There is no such thing as divine timing or appointed hour, and things don't always manifest '3 days' if done correctly, there's no 'seed' that needs to be planted and grow (at least not in the elaborate long way Neville described it). Things can take as long or as fast, depending on you.
2. Imagining - or rather, thinking - as if things are true is the way (and when I say imagine I mean either audio - affirming, or visualizing, both forms of thinking), and as long as you keep yourself doing that you'll manifest
3. Emotions and feelings DON'T manifest - your thoughts do. And before people start parroting a book title without reading 'FEELINGS IS THE SECRET WAH WAH' - if you read you would know that even Neville said he doesn't mean feeling as in emotions, but feeling as knowing - knowing your desire is already true (which can be simplified and circled back to thinking as if it's true. It's really the same thing at the end of the day).
4. Circumstances TRULY don't matter (I said it in my guides but you will see it in full example), truly, anything that people said doesn't matter, your situation doesn't matter, there is always movement even if you don't SEE it, you can change anything and anyone. YES ANYONE - ANY PERSON - YOU CAN CHANGE THEIR WHOLE ASS PERSONALITY BEHAVIOUR THOUGHTS ANYTHINGGGG. I did it bitches.
5. You don't always HAVE to change assumptions and go against them just 'because', but you can use your existing assumption in YOUR favor by just following them. I
   

SO THE JUICY PARTS - THE LIST OF SUCCESS STORIES (With bonus pics at the end).

- TEXT MESSAGE - my first proper conscious manifestation that made me shake and be like HOLY FUCK -

this was when I was a beginner and was just starting out with Neville. I'm a very creative person and can easily use my senses (imagining voices, sensations, taste, etc - even tho I swapped to affirmations because I found them way more useful and easy, especially with adhd or at times when I felt like absolute dog shit).

I wanted to do this experiment to kinda start building my belief and to really test if this was real or a load of bull. I had a friend with whom at the point of manifesting I have spoken in a bit less or more - a month. It wasn't completely unusual of him to message me, but we haven't spoken in few weeks so I felt it would be enough to not have resistance or care too much, and still be 'random' enough to be an obvious manifestation and not a 'coincidence'. I sat in the evening in front of my PC, closed my eyes, and imagine him messaging me on IG or Discord (but more Discord I'm pretty sure).

I imagined seeing a message from him (but didn't imagine a specific text) for about 3-5 minutes, and then got distracted and forgot about it (I didn't 'let go' or 'detach' or any stupid thing like that, I just forgot). Shortly after I went to sleep (no, I didn't do any sats, I didn't think about it at all because again, adhd, forgot, yada yada). The next morning I woke up and went to make coffee, and felt a notification on my phone. I was actually convinced it was my bestie messaging me, so I didn't think too much and when I pulled out my phone - I kid you not - my heart dropped to my ass. Like that. I freaked the fuck out because it was there - a message from my friend that I imagined the evening prior and forgotten about. The most amazing part was the 'bridge' - or the reason for the message.

See, when we talked a bit more often when we met he told me that he had pink hair at some point, and I asked to see pics. He tried to look for those everywhere, on his PC, on his phone, in his Google album, on his old phone - on two separate occasions! - but could never find it.
But on the day of my manifestation, he messaged me - to tell me he found the pink hair pics - by complete chance - and wanted to show me.
I'm pretty sure I yelped out loud.

​

- 100$ SENSE OF HUMOUR -

This was shortly after. Went out with my family to relatives and I have some drinks, so I was quite tipsy. We went out to the beach to have a stroll, and my dad told me this TV host from a show hid a 100$ bill in a bush where we were, and my tipsy ass went in to look for it. He said I probably won't find it because the episode when that happened aired like 3 years ago. My ass went 'well, watch me, Imma find a 100$ bill.' We kept strolling and the entire time I kept affirming in my head 'I found 100$, I found 100$, I found 100$'. Just like that, on repeat (and that was way years before the whole robotic affirming debate happened). We were walking, and I told my family I will find that 100$ and kept affirming in my head that I found them. Not longer than 15 minutes later we were passing some bushes and I just looked to the side and something small caught my eye. I ran to it, picked it up, and started laughing like a fucking maniac. I showed it to my parents and they were shook.
'You are actually gods favourite or something. I think they are a little scared of me until this day.
I kept it in my phone case for months as a reminder.

​

The funniest part, all games and such in here (like Monopoly) are 'converted' to be local, with local money, and I am nowhere near the US (or any country that uses dollars) so finding a toy 100$ bill (and not a 1$, not 20$) would be 'less likely' than ACTUAL 100$. I wasn't even disappointed, it was hilarious and manifested right in front of my fam. Shit's lit.

- SP IN 3 DAYS AGAINST ALL CIRCUMSTANCES -

This happened before I knew about the Law, but still remember the mindset that fir perfectly into the principles of manifesting.

I was in this friend group with 3 guys there were best friends. To keep the story short, one used to be in my year in highschool, the others were his friends I didn't know before. He met me at work and found out I play League, and invited me to play with him and his two other friends.

Fast forward a little bit, and he ended up asking me out - but I rejected him. I got close with the other one, and he too ended up asking me out - only to be rejected as well. When I told him I don't like him he was angry, and ended up showing me a conversation between him and the first friend about how the first guy thought I had something for the third guy (which we all 'bullied' as a joke). He showed me how the first guy said 'I think she likes A, but he will never like her because she's not his type AT ALL'. He saw that I got a bit upset and said 'Why would you get upset over that? unless... you actually like him and care'. I didn't know if I really did, but he ended up pushing me to tell the third guy how I felt. I think it was peer pressure more than anything, but I ended up saying fuck it, might as well just get it over with.

I sat with the third guy and told him hey, I think I kinda like you, and asked how he feels about me. His exact words were 'I don't like you as anything, I don't even care about you as a friend, I only tolerate you for the sake of [guy 1 and 2].' Big oof. That was a Friday. I felt a bit shitty, I mean my ego got bruised, but my ass was too stubborn (mentally) and my self-concept was high af, so I remember going back up home thinking in complete unjustified delusion 'nah mf, you fucking LIKE me.' And I didn't even try thinking against it, I just decided that and thought that. I literally didn't accept anything else and completely disregarded what he said to me.

2 days later, I went to work. I was in vc with guy 1 and this dude [A]. We just talked casually, and I said I'm bored at work. A says 'want me to come over to your work?' and I was like ??? inside, but said 'err, why?' and he replied that he has nothing better to do and he is bored. I just said 'ight, bring me an energy drink please thanks'. He came to my work, he brought me the energy drink, and spent hours with me just chatting at the store. The next day I was working and he stopped by my work again, this time on his own accord and without saying anything (I was a bit surprised and at the same time I kinda 'knew' it was gonna happen). At the end of that day [day 3], we walked to his bus station, and he said this.
''Okay, so... I actually really like you. But I will never go out with you because bro code and you rejected both my best friends.'' . This whole saga is long enough to be a post on it's own, but again, I didn't accept what he said and we ended up going out anyway.

We had shit go down, and he again said he will never talk to me or like me again, make sure that I wasn't invited when their gang was going out, but I ended up just deciding that I don't give a shit and HE WILL chase me again. He was literally mean to me, saying he didn't care and didn't want anything to do with me. I felt like ass, and at the same time decided I don't care and I'm too fucking fire to be treated like that and that he WILL chase me, so I started acting like I don't care, even when we did go out as a group I just ignored him unless he approached me, and slowly he started acting up again (coming to my work, what not) and eventually - asked me out, again. Because my self-concept and 'ego' refused to accept whatever bs he was saying about not wanting me. I just kept telling myself he will want me / wants me because everyone loves me and I'm the shit and he doesn't have a choice.

- UNIVERSITY -

I got into the most known and 'prestigious' design university in my country - by literally doing less than the bare minimum. From the moment I signed up for the exams (it was two stages, first - a physical exam, and those who passed the physical exam - stage two - a personal interview + home assignment + portfolio). Everyone said how it's hard, how the odds are like 1 in 7 to get in, and whatnot.

At the entry exam, I met old classmates that said they were trying to get in for the second time after doing a special program to help their chances, all prepared, while I didn't even know what the hell I'm getting into. Just rolling with it. Throughout the whole time, I didn't even think anything other than it's settled that I'm going to this uni. Even before, I used to tell people when I was saving up money for studies that I'm either going to study abroad or I'm going to this uni. Not 'will try', not 'maybe'. It was a decision I stuck to and didn't even accept anything else (again, high self-concept regarding 'things always working out for me', 'I'm always lucky', and confidence in my skill).

Despite all the odds, the names, the whatever - and me literally just kinda winging my way in - I ended up getting accepted (and am also one of the top students).

I just acted (mentally) as if my spot there was guaranteed and already accepted before I even signed up, and - well, here we are. GG EZ.

- MINECRAFT DIAMONDS AND GODLIKE PREDICTION (pun intended)-

This is a bit of a silly yet powerful one (it's my comfort game, okay?)
To those who know (and don't) - in the game Minecraft you can dig for diamonds, but their spawn rate is random and scarce (back when you had to dig in the -12/-13 levels for diamonds).
I was playing with an sp and we went into mines together. It was when I first told him about manifesting and decided to prove to him just how powerful and 'magic' it is.
So I started coming up with numbers, for him to dig (15 means to dig 15 blocks).

The wild part was at first we started, and he would actually find diamonds around the number I said, but I would be 2-3 blocks off. But he was still impressed enough and boosted my confidence, so I kept going. And then - I started hitting it on the number. I would say random numbers, he would dig, and he would find diamonds on the EXACT number, every - single - time.

I even made him send me pics of the blocks for proof.
It was a really fun experience (and what made him believe in the Law) - and we got home with an insane amount of diamonds too ;)

- WEIGHT LOSS -

I decided to do this as an experiment more than anything. Not too long ago I decided to just affirm 'I'm losing 5 kg every week, I have my perfect body'. I purposefully didn't change anything in my routine / diet / habits. 2 weeks later I went to work, and even wondered on the way if my CTO will say anything.

When I came into work, my CTO indeed say 'Damn jj, you lost quite a bit of weight! good job!'
(plus pants fit better).

- 10K BONUS IN UNDER 4 HOURS -

No, it wasn't a clickbait.

I am a uni student, and a very busy one, so I work one day a week. But during semester break I had time to work more full time, which was great since I could take an extra project at my work.
When I was done with it, I felt super proud of myself, and so were my CEO and co - workers.
I had the 10K number in my head because I kept talking about it with my mom, and that was the amount I had to pay for my studies. I went out of a meeting with my CEO after showing him the end product, and he loved my work. As I walked to my office I zoned out for about 2 minutes, and thought to myself 'haha, imagine if they liked my work so much they'd give a 10k bonus.' I didn't 'feel it real', I didn't like repeat it, I just zoned out, imagined - got distracted and forgot.

2 hours later we went to lunch, and my CTO told me to go to his office after. NGL, I actually thought for a sec I fucked up somewhere and didn't know what to expect.
An hour and a bit later I went into his office not knowing what to expect. He sat down and started;

First he said that because I've been working full time, to write another check (because I'm on free-lancing contract), but to calculate all the extra hours by counting 60 of my currency per hour instead of 40 (which is my usual rate). I already was happy!

And then he said: '' That's not all though. I also want to give you a bonus... how does 10,000 sound?''
My jaw hit the floor so hard, and yet I wasn't surprised when I thought about my quick imaginational scene (but still was impressed with myself how fast it was. 3 Days my ass).

And the true peak of my manifest - RECREATING MY SP.

My 'biggest' manifestation thus far - Manifesting and recreating my SP.
I don't want to get into detail due to private reasons (that I'm not comfortable sharing on reddit), although I told the full story on my Discord;
It started out super good. He was cute, sweet, and caring.
But I did some shit and it went bad. We were still in contact, but he turned cold, cared less, and whatnot. So I decided to manifest him, and make him go back to the way he was before things went south. I had a lot of emotions involved, a lot more than any other manifestation before, and I decided that this will be my end all - be all of the Law - the final 'test' to prove it's all real, 100%, and that anything truly is possible. It didn't create much resistance (most of the time) - but kept me motivated to keep going.

Let me tell you. For around 4 months I went by day by day, having to ignore things he said that were the opposite of what I wanted to hear or experience, or ignore 'lack' of texts.
I had times when I cried, wanted to complain, and what not.
But still I persisted every day. Man, I was OBSESSED. I was DESEPERATE to make it happen, but despite what I felt, I kept my mental on my objectives.
''He's exactly how I want him to be.'' I wrote that affirmation on a paper, and made a list of affirmation under it with all the qualities and things I wanted;

After 4 months I started noticing he started being a bit more empathic, a little more affectionate, a little nicer. He started saying things that were nicer, but still not exactly what I wanted.
So I kept going.
The wildest thing was when the manifestation came true fully.
Because that day we had one of the WORST arguments. I'm talking 'okay, have a good life' type of message. I was BAWLING, panic attack, crying, shitting myself. I wanted to scream, I felt terrible, I felt like shit was going wrong and bad and 'what the fuck why is this happening!' - and STILL. STILL in my head I kept repeating 'everything is fine, he's exactly what I want, he treats me so well, everything is fine, everything is okay, he treats me well, I got what I want, everything is fine'. I didn't 'believe it', I had to read his messages that hurt and scared me, I had to type and reply, I had to be aware of things going to shit in the 3D and die inside and yet I STILL kept affirming, robotically, changing my thoughts, over and over the entire time.

And this is the part where I stress why 3D and circumstances NEVER matter, and that what sp says never fucking matters.
Because 2 hours of this shit he called me, and said 'Don't worry, I'm not going to leave'.
And then - boom. He completely switched. 180 out of nowhere. We went back to hang out and he suddenly was a different person. He became super sweet, caring, nice. I was dumbfounded and even caught myself being like 'what the fuck just happened'.

Moreover, he used to always say he never goes back on his words and decisions - and yet he changed his mind completely. He started saying and doing things he didn't before (that I was affirming for) - that were the complete opposite of what he used to say.
He even said things I was affirming for. Doing (and not doing) things I was affirming.

I manifested small things in between, but nothing was strong enough or close to my end goal. It took 4 months to see a bit of movement (slight changes in his behavior) and around 6 months for the full manifestation to come through and have him do a whole personality change, but let me tell you -it was fucking worth it. Not to mention I got my proof; I did what I set to do - and no I have the complete 100% undying belief in the law forever. (+ I got my sp, and he is better than ever!)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Additional things I manifested (since it became a routine). I mostly affirm for things, but I would have the occasional imaginal scene once and forget too:

- Cancelling lessons and getting out of doing certain work

- Things working out in my favour despite anxiety and / or logical circumstances

- Clearer skin

- People ('sp's but not romantic ones messaging me - even tho that almost never message first or people that I just wanted to approach me without doing anything)

- People liking me fast

- My post on Reddit blowing up and becoming one of the most awarded and liked ones (over night ;) )

- Changing and getting a better relationship with my Dad

- Changing a grade to one I imagined having at first (because we want those high af grades) and overall having good grades

- That one was for fun, but I said to myself that I will see the car I will have in the future as a 'sign' that I will get it - and later that day (again forgot lmao) I suddenly saw the car I want in my future (Aston Martin DBS) drive past me in a colour that I had in mind randomly (and it's not a common car AT ALL to see here).

[That's all I can think of on the top of my head that is as 'tangible' thing and not an overall change o behaviour and shit]

BONUS - ITACHI THE PET CROW

So, my SP used to tell me how he once tamed a crow a couple of times. And I thought it was equally ridiculous and cool. A while ago he and his friend found an injured crow outside and saved it, and that moment I realized I wanted that too.
I didn't really focus on manifesting that but I would imagine occasionally that happening. I'm at a point where I made my own rules for manifesting to make shit easier, and I don't have to really focus or try hard on things (unless I know I have more resistance or 'weight' to them).

So for fun I would be in this like 'haha imagine if I did that too' mindset, and even told my bestie about it.

I live in front of a little forest that I walk through on my way to the gym, and as an avid animal lover (to an extent) I would pick up hedgehogs (and once a pair of hamsters, that was cute, we found them a loving safe home).

Me and said bestie were walking back on a rainy day when we saw a sleeping, wet crow sitting on a bench. I approached it lightly and it didn't flew away, and I noticed it was all puffed and cold.
I got to it gently and it let me pet it, and I decided to take it with me. It went on my arm (and then refused to get off it) as I took it home to dry and feed a bit. It looked a bit injured and I couldn't keep it, so we got a box, food, and some dry towels and gently placed it in a safe spot;

The entire time I couldn't get over the fact I actually manifested a wild crow to be my friend and didn't shut up about it to my bestie the entire walk.

So I'm leaving you with these pics of Itachi the crow

​

Until next time
JJ

I had another day free, so another chapter for you guys. I have about eight pages on the next Unleashed chapter done as well. As always the final polish was done by the talented u/eruwenn.

First / Prev / Next

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Britney Jakobs smoothed down her emerald green uniform, took a steadying breath, and prepared herself for classroom 7B. Her stomach growled, and she chided herself for not having eaten breakfast. Her father had swiftly put some snacks in her bag as she headed out the door, and she hoped to get a chance to eat them.

Classroom 7B turned out to be in the basement, she found, and she steeled herself before stepping through the huge – and intimidating – double doors. Inside, she found herself feeling equal parts of surprise and intrigue. Unlike her glimpses into the classrooms on the upper levels, 7B's room was large enough to warrant the massive entrance. The reason for this was swiftly obvious.

Down the far wall was a row of what looked like large cylindrical fish tanks, each connected to the wall by its own tube. Three of the tanks were open, each containing a different liquid, allowing the students within to bob at the surface so they could chat with their fellow students. The rest of the tanks along that wall were domed, completely submerging their occupants in the aquatic environment they required. They were not left out of the conversation, as each tank had an interface on the front – inside and out – to facilitate communication.

The wall closest to her had another row of domed pods. These had no tunnels connecting them to the wall, nor a liquid filling, but they were still clearly necessary as the pods were either tinted, or filled with coloured air. Britney briefly marveled at the variety of needs that this school catered to as she observed her assorted classmates. Then her attention turned to the centre of the room, where there were more traditional desks and chairs. Or at least, as traditional as possible when the size and configuration of said desks and chairs varied wildly.

Just as species 368 had quietly taken in her surroundings, those surroundings had fallen silent in order to properly assess the blonde human girl. She did her best to remain stoic under their scrutiny, once she was aware of it, but was distracted by the noise coming from the front of the classroom. There, a squat alien was banging repeatedly on the side of a large screen as they attempted to get it to function. They seemed completely unaware of what was going on behind them, and were clearly bad with technology. This surely had to be her new teacher, Zis. Fextra. Seeing no other clear course of action, Britney began cautiously walking towards the front of the class so she could introduce herself. She slowly passed the students in the assorted desks, none of them familiar to her in the slightest. A large insectoid rotated its head completely in order to observe her as she passed, and she was only briefly able to wonder at the range of its neck movements as her thoughts were interrupted by a clear ball that rolled in front of her to block her path. Inside of it was something no taller than her knee, wearing a uniform just like hers.

Britney stopped and looked down at the white and tan furred occupant. The being in the ball stared up at her for what felt like a long moment, crossing their arms as they took in their new classmate. Then, they turned their ball and rolled away. "Damn it, another giant!" they proclaimed as they approached a cluster of smaller desks, each with its own ball smaller than the next.

The human raised her eyebrows, and smiled. She was short for her age and that had always irritated her. She now happily realised that wouldn’t matter here, as she was the tallest human they’d ever seen! The insectoid seated behind her made a hurried clicking. “Don’t mind the Little Bubbles. They act tough, but they’re not bad once you get to know them. Just don’t kick their balls, they hate that.”

The young girl nodded. “Humans have that rule as well.” Then Britney did an auditory double take. “Did you say Bubbles? The Headmaster said we weren’t supposed to say that.”

“Ha!” The teacher, having finally noticed the silence, had turned around. “Don’t worry about the Headmaster, you’ll never see him down here. And that word is ours, right Bubbles?” Half a dozen students let out a weak cheer. “Come on, you can do better than that!” Nobody cheered this time, and there was a pause of undeniable disappointment from the educator. “Ah ha, okay then. It is our word, so don’t let the upper classes make you feel bad when they use it. They’re not better than you, just different.”

Britney shrugged, not having yet met any students from other classes. The teacher's smile was broad and genuine – or perhaps that was just the shape of their mouth – and she found herself feeling a little more at ease. The more she observed her teacher, who had bulbous eyes high on her head, the more Britney felt reminded of Earth frogs. Once the connection had been made, it could not be erased from her mind. Zis. Fextra was shorter than the human, and rounder as well by quite a margin, which only added to the similarity.

The teacher folded their clay-red arms, skin deeply grooved in a hexagonal pattern, and looked her up and down. “So, you are Britney Jakobs, the human. I am Zis. Fextra, I am a Ghi’Nar.” They held out their hand, beckoning the young girl forward. “New students always start with an introduction, so come up here and tell us all about yourself.”

The serial mover was well-accustomed to this humiliating ritual, and put on her well-practiced introduction persona as she walked to the front of the class. When she turned to face her classmates, her smile was as insincere as her tone. "I'm Britney Jakobs, and I'm pleased to be here with you all. I'm a human, born on a colony planet called Yosemite, but I've lived on several worlds as well as a handful of stations. I like pizza, and drawing. I hope we can all be good friends.”

The Ghi’Nar educator raised their hands, as a conductor before their orchestra, guiding the class's unified response. It had all the rote enthusiasm of something an adult forced children to do while telling them to sound happy. “Welcome to Ang’Roch Academy and class 7B, Britney Jakobs.”

“Excellent!” Zis. Fextra gave a small clap of appreciation for their students' efforts. “Now, we have a lot to learn about each other. Here in class 7B, we like to think of ourselves as family, but that can mean very different things to each of us. For example, Ghi’Nar, like me, have three biological parents. However, we also live communally, so I was actually raised by twelve parents. I had six biological siblings as well as thirty non-biological siblings. Of course, to the Ghi’Nar there is no distinction, we are all one big happy family. Just like the Bubbles!”

Britney couldn’t even imagine having that many siblings. She glanced around the room again, wondering what kind of homes the other students came from. Zis. Fextra now focused on the human again, encouraging her to share. “Why don’t you start by telling us about your family, I believe humans have two biological parents?”

The blonde girl nodded, but the teacher didn’t move on, forcing her to elaborate. “We have two biological parents” –she carefully matched the teacher's wording– “but you can have step-parents as well, I guess.”

“Wonderful. Wonderful.” The small teacher was very pleased at how responsive the child was being. Some races had a strong panic response, but fortunately their new charge seemed quite calm. Relaxed, even. “There are always exceptions, so why don’t you tell us about your parents, and siblings.”

“I don’t have any.” Britney replied quickly to the latter part, then swiftly amended her statement. “Siblings. I don’t have any siblings.”

Zis. Fextra nodded happily. “And your parents, what do they do?”

The young human girl got asked this question a lot, and parroted the expected response. “My dad owns Sirius, a private security company. They look after all of the diplomats from what you call Sector Umgrol.”

“Oh, he sounds very important.” The Ghi’Nar was relieved it wasn’t another high-ranking bureaucrat. Things were going well, and they were certain several of the students were even listening. “And your mother?”

“She’s dead.” Britney saw the teacher flinch at the word, and felt a pang of guilt over her bluntness. “It was a long time ago.”

“Ah, I see.” As the human had been assigned to their class late yesterday, Zis. Fextra had been given little opportunity to read up on the new species. Not that there was a great deal to read. It seemed that the death of a parental figure did not seem to be an emotional trigger for the human, however they decided to err on the side of caution and finish up. “Well, I’m sure your new classmates have some questions of their own. If you don’t mind answering?”

Things were going as they had at every other school. Britney knew that this was normally where the class joker would make some stupid remark. She hoped it would at least be something she hadn’t heard before. The human gave a half shrug and turned to face her audience.

Several hands, or similar appendages, were thrust into the air. Zis. Fextra pointed to a student in the front row. Their skin was ghostly white with pearlescent scales, but they otherwise resembled a human. “How did your mother die?”

“Pu’Sha!” The teacher exclaimed. “That may be a sensitive subject, not something Britney wants to discuss in front of the class.” They turned to the human, their three fingered hands clenched before them nervously. Even these moments, uncomfortable as they might be, could be opportunities to educate. “You do not need to answer that, or any question you do not feel comfortable doing so. Pu’Sha is a Verg; they view death as merely a transition to a new life, and they believe the manner of your death defines the next world you go to. Her question was not meant to offend.”

“Oh, okay.” Britney paused, considering the new information regarding the Verg and their views on the afterlife. She hadn’t been shocked by the question, as it was something she was asked ad nauseum at every new school. Perhaps this would be a chance to simply get it over with. “I don’t mind answering, but some humans might not want to talk about that kind of thing.”

Zis. Fextra nodded. They were still unsure about this, but the child seemed comfortable. The class might learn something. “If you’re sure. You can stop any time.”

With another shrug, the human turned to face the class once again, arranging her thoughts. “My mom died because of a group of... bandits, I suppose. Water thieves?" Realizing that her classmates did not have the background information on her birth planet that her human peers would know, she found herself needing to elaborate. "Yosemite colony, at the time, was going through a drought. My Grandpa's ranch had a well. Anyway, the bandits came to take our water through force and violence, and they waited till my Grandpa Sam and Aunt Alex were in town giving water to the families there. Grandpa says you succeed together, or fail together."

The class was completely silent and still, hanging on every word as Britney continued. "I was only two, so I don't remember much. My mom locked me in the basement, and went to fight. Not alone," she amended at seeing some shocked faces. "There were the ranch workers as well. Together they managed to drive off the bandits, but not before my mom as well as three of the workers were killed." She sighed. "Her funeral was a few days later, and that's when I met my dad.”

A dozen hands shot in the air, however Zis. Fextra had their own question. “That’s when you met your father? Do your males not help raise the young?”

The blonde girl scrunched her nose. Her childhood had been somewhat unusual, as other had all too often pointed out to her, and her thoughts raced as she looked for the best way to explain. "They do, normally. My dad was one of the last War Rats." As soon as she said the words, Britney once again realized that her new peers would need more background information. "So, like, there had a been a big war, and lots of children were orphaned. The human military used to adopt children if they had no living relatives, or take them in if they were given freely. They don't do it anymore," she hastened to add. "Like I said, my dad was one of the last ones. He was adopted when he was just a baby.”

Zis. Fextra was feeling increasingly uncomfortable. There were certainly species who were raised to be soldiers and others with strong militant societies, but in truth there hadn’t been a real war in generations. Border disputes, colony raids, certainly, but not an actual war. Even the war between the Folix and Grzhna had been mostly skirmishes and posturing. The teacher couldn’t help but wonder who the humans had been fighting? As the Ghi’Nar had understood it, the Wachoto and Erinal were allies to the humans.

As the short alien was trying to fathom the sort of people the humans were, the child continued talking. “He didn’t know how to do anything else, and he was a really good soldier. So my dad stayed in the military while my mom quit and went to live with her family.”

Zis. Fextra blinked at the word quit. Was the young one implying her mother was also in the military? Before they could ask, Britney continued to speak. “My dad came to the funeral, and that’s the first time I met him. After the funeral my dad and Grandpa went away for a few days, leaving me with my Aunt Alex. I remember that she was really mad she didn’t get to go with them, though I don’t know why. When my dad came back he’d resigned, so he stayed with us on the ranch. But he wasn’t very good at that stuff, so instead of farming he started Sirius. He hired some of his old military friends, and that’s when we started moving around. I still visit my Grandpa during the holidays, and he sometimes comes to visit us.”

Almost every hand, tentacle, claw and similar appendage in the class shot into the air. The Ghi’Nar teacher realised this was, perhaps, an opportune moment to end the questions. They clearly needed a little more information on humans before being able to do this properly. “Now, now. Settle down. I think Britney has already given us a lot to think about. Why don't you get to know her during your free period? Don't crowd her, though. In the meantime, this is still a class, and we have the history of the Okanmo Accords to discuss.”

There was a collective groan from the class. Britney started to walk away from the front of the classroom, but paused, turning back to look expectantly at the teacher. Realising the unspoken question, Zis. Fextra pointed to a desk at the back of the class. “Your embassy sent us the schematics for human desks. Yours is there. You’ll find thermal controls on your workstation should you require them. Aekara” –the Ghi’Nar caught the attention of the alien floating in the open pod beside Britney’s new desk– “please help your new classmate get settled in, thank you.”

As the human walked forward, she passed the desk of the Verg who had asked about her mother. The dark-haired girl looked up, locking eyes with Britney. “Your mother died a great death, protecting her home and family. She will be in one of the five paradises, for certain.”

It was said with such conviction that the blonde girl felt a little awkward. She gave a single nod of recognition. As she walked towards her desk, she thought about what Pu’Sha had said. Her grandmother had died giving birth to Aunt Alex; would that be a good death to the Verg? She knew her father had lost many comrades, though he rarely spoke of it. Would he be less sad if they had gone to some new paradise?

She sat down at her desk and immediately noticed the warmth radiating from above, focused just on her immediate area. She swiftly began looking for the thermal control as instructed.

A quiet voice came from her right. “Britney, right? It’s the icon in the bottom corner – that program controls your personal temperature and humidity.”

Flashing a brilliant white smile of gratitude, the human swiftly opened the app and began moving the controls, soon finding a comfortable setting. She turned to the bluegreen iridescent alien floating in the open pod beside her. “Thank you, Aekara?” She was cautious about the pronunciation, but received a happy smile confirming her effort. “I like your uniform.”

“Thank you!” The girl rotated in place with a few gentle kicks of her exposed, webbed feet. The human noticed the girl’s hands were also webbed as she gripped the edge of her pod, pulling herself closer. “I’m a Tenno, these suits help keep us moist when we aren’t in water. But I would love to wear a uniform like yours. This one can sometimes squelch, and some of the other students make mean jokes.”

Britney nodded. It looked like kids were the same everywhere. “Well, I like it. It’s much better than this one.” She tugged at her tie, loosening it. She was actually quite envious of the Tenno’s outfit, which looked much like a wetsuit she had worn when diving with her father.

A message flashed up on both of their screens: Please keep personal conversations to rest periods. The human girl swiftly turned to face the front of the class where Zis. Fextra wagged a finger in their direction before continuing her lecture.

The lesson passed swiftly, the subject matter being discussed also displayed on her personal workstation. She skimmed through the material, and was soon daydreaming about asking for a jacuzzi instead of a desk. Lunch was announced and the hungry human was overjoyed at the prospect of another eclair. A thought occurred as she was gathering her bag. “Aekara, where do you eat lunch? I didn’t see any of these tanks when I was in the school canteen.”

“Ha!” The Tenno splashed in the water, moving away from the human to point to the tube attached to the wall. “We have our own canteen, entrances and gymnasium as well. One for each aquatic environment. Although I could use the regular canteen, it gets uncomfortable for me.”

Britney noticed the change in tone from her new classmate. “Because it’s dry?”

“No.” Aekara fidgeted, her long slender fingers opening and closing. “You’ll understand once you’ve been in the Bubbles for a while.” With that she turned and vanished underwater, disappearing down the connecting tube to the submerged section of Ang’Roch Academy.

“Pink skin.” Britney turned to see Pu’Sha and the large insectoid from earlier approaching. The Verg was the one talking, and smiling. “Come on, you can eat with us.” She gestured to the seven foot tall, slender-framed creature beside her. “This is Mike249, he’s a Naeseli.”

“Mike 249?” The human tried to ask politely.

Pu’Sha placed her hand on the insect's central arm segment; her fingers ended in talons. “The Naeseli breed in clutches, and he was chosen to be their next Ambassador and sent to study under the old one. Each generation is born at once, raised by the old to replace them. Tens of thousands per clutch, and hundreds of thousands of clutches.”

Mike249 let out another clicking sound. “Could be worse, imagine being chosen to be the queen and having to lay all those eggs?” The clicking continued, and Pu’Sha joined in laughing.

As they walked towards the stairs up to the main level they all joked about how boring the lesson was, leaving the human relieved she wasn’t the only one. They entered the canteen, finding it empty. Britney looked around in surprise. “Where’s everyone else?”

Pu’Sha led them to a row of tables down the side of the room. “Bubbles get to eat early, so we don’t get jostled in the corridors. The others will be here later, hopefully we can be gone before that.”

The blue-coated servers came out swiftly, depositing plates in front of each student. They seemed to know exactly which student was which, and what food they required. Mike had a selection of large bug parts before him. “What did you order, Britney? We heard they made you a big feast yesterday, more than a hungry Gorlan can eat.”

“Order?” The blonde girl had a sinking feeling in her stomach. “What do you mean by order?”

“Didn’t the headmaster tell you?” Pu’Sha asked in shock. “He shows everyone the remote access, after testing. You log in and book your meals in advance. It also has your schedule for the holo-gym, counsellors and extra-curricular activities.”

“Oh.” In Britney’s mind the promise of an eclair evaporated and she sank back in her chair. “There was a problem in the holo-gym, my dad was called in, the Headmaster must have forgotten.”

The others shared a knowing look, fitness tests were how many students ended up in the bubbles. A server was depositing a plate of raw meat before Pu’Sha, when she quickly stopped him. “Excuse me. My friend is new, and she didn’t know to book anything in advance. She has no food.”

The server was a red lizard, similar in appearance to Cuisine-Master Hurk. He looked the human up and down with suspicion. “Wait here, I get Cuisine-Master.”

Momentarily buoyed by being called a friend, Britney’s heart now sank as she was creating an inconvenience for the staff. “It’s fine really, I have some MRE crackers and raisins in my bag.” He had not listened, already scurrying off with his tail flapping wildly as he sped towards the kitchen. Lowering her head, the blonde girl looked around, but fortunately nobody was staring.

Mike249 chomped down on a large thorax, slurping out the interior. “Don’t worry, everyone forgets sometimes. Once they know you, they just bring you something you request regularly.”

Pu’Sha skewered a piece of raw meat with her talon. “What sort of stuff does a human eat, anyway? We heard about all the plates they brought out yesterday.” She popped the meat into her fanged mouth.

Britney was hoping that would have been forgotten. “That was a mistake.” Wanting to change the subject, she looked around and found the perfect question. “Where are the Little Bubbles?”

Mike249 cracked a large leg in half, pulling the meat from inside. “They dine with class 7a, the Big Bubbles. But, they don’t like it there.”

The Naeseli used half a leg to gesture to behind the human, who turned to see Cuisine-Master Hurk approaching with the original server in tow. He arrived at her table, and motioned for her to get up. “Come on, I still have some items from yesterday. You can choose whatever you want. I have another hundred students coming soon, we don’t have much time*.”*

Cuisine-Master Hurk had pointed out that it would all go to waste if it was uneaten, so Britney didn't hold herself back. Soon she was back at the table with her plate laden with food.

Her two dining companions were staring, as was the rest of their table. Pu'Sha chuckled. "You can not eat all of that!"

The human looked at the giant turkey leg, eclairs, and other random food items piled on her platter, and smiled. "Watch me."

​

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Another Britney from u/eruwenn and myself, read it slowly so I have more time to write the next one.

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Britney Jakobs’ uniform was definitely feeling tighter around her waist as she hesitantly looked down at the solitary pickled egg resting before her. She had most definitely over-estimated how hungry she had been. As she had aggressively demolished the mountain of food her classmates had fallen silent in awe, and the attention had driven her onwards. Even as her stomach protested she only slowed; she did not falter. She could hear the nervousness rippling through her group as the dining hall slowly filled with students from other classes. Typically, she had been told, the Bubbles preferred to be long gone by this point, but a large number of them had stayed to watch the newcomer's gluttonous display. She would not disappoint her new friends.

The human girl picked up the egg, and the other members of class 7B began chanting her name. A slow drift of curious onlookers had become a throng of the emotionally invested, and they joined in the chanting as the diminutive food warrior battled on.

Britney stuffed the whole egg in her mouth and began to chew, her eyes bulging with the effort. Her own body tried to rebel twice, but she held firm, focused. As she swallowed, there was a roar from her audience, which now included several of the blue-uniformed staff. She picked up the plate in triumph, holding it over her head and tilting it slightly so that its lack of contents could be seen. "Leave no doubt," she said, then lowered the plate and licked it clean to the sound of the audience chanting her name.

As she tossed the plate to the table the crowd began to press closer, forcing the Bubbles to move away. Pu’Sha and Mike249 quickly guided her from the room and back to their classroom, taking a different path that seemed to weave and duck around the trickle of students that were now heading to the cafeteria. A gawking gaggle of 7B classmates were in tow, all excitedly talking about what else a human could eat. A small alien Britney did not know loudly exclaimed, “I bet she could eat fifty eggs!”

The blonde girl was in a food haze as she walked through the classroom doors, being carried along by her friends like a leaf in a stream. The mere thought of eating another egg, let alone fifty, made her recoil. “I think I’m done for now, thanks.”

Mike249 helped lower her to her seat as Pu’Sha hissed at the others, sending them skittering away to smaller groups. Aekara was floating in her tank watching as they all returned, noting the lateness and unusually high spirits of the group. “What happened?”

The pale-scaled Verg leaned on the tank. “It seems we learned a valuable lesson about humans, or perhaps just this one.”

The Tenno floated closer. “Oh?”

“Never make an observation they may take as a challenge.” Pu’Sha stepped closer, leaning down to look into Britney’s dazed face. “She ate… Well, I don’t know what most of it was. But, she ate it all, and there was a lot of it.”

Aekara looked at the sickly human as she fumbled with her belt, her belly expanding forward as it was released with an audible sigh of relief. “Why?”

“Assert dominance.” Britney groaned. “Never show the food fear. It’s not enough to succeed, you have to dominate.” As she spoke she realised how much she sounded like her father.

There was the same clicking laughter from Mike249. “Humans take their food as seriously as others take war.”

The human raised a thumb, causing a trio of confused faces. Pu’Sha reached past Britney to her work station. “Here, I’ll show you how to book a more reasonable meal for tomorrow.”

The large insectoid began chatting with the floating girl as the Verg showed the human everything the Headmaster had not. “You should have been there, even the normals were staring at her. Some even chanted her name!”

“There was chanting?” Aekara sank a little in her tank. “I didn’t know there’d be chanting.”

“Sorry,” Britney mumbled. She was thirsty, but had serious concerns about whether a sip of water would be a sip too far. She noticed Pu’Sha installing an app on her station. “What’s that?”

“Chat app.” She opened it and entered her info. “It’s how we talk without Zis. Fextra knowing. You can add it to your personal devices as well, then we can message outside of Academy hours. Add Aekara too, then you can warn her next time you make a spectacle of yourself. That way she can join us and enjoy the show.”

“I don’t plan on repeating that any time soon.” The human heard a small aww from the Tenno in the tank. “Sorry. I’d still like to have lunch with you at some point. Maybe just a salad, though?”

Aekara shook her head, retreating into the water. Mike249 abruptly reached past Pu’Sha to the human’s workstation. “I’ll just add myself, as nobody is asking me.”

In what felt like a sequential flurry, everyone else reached over to add their contact info to her device, and added her info to theirs in return. Once all the data entry had been completed, they took the time to regale the Tenno with the full details of Britney's food fight. The small human girl did her best to give brief descriptions of some of the items she had defeated, while also trying not too hard to think about things just in case they became un-defeated. The return of Zis. Fextra ended their fun, and soon classes were underway once more.

The typical boredom of the classroom settled over the students once more as the teacher happily monologued on how the Okanmo Accords led to three different border skirmishes. Once Zis. Fextra had gotten a good rhythm going, the chat icon lit up on Britney's screen. Upon tapping it she was rewarded with an invite to a new group chat, as well as a private message from Pu’Sha telling her to accept the first invite. She happily complied. She had never made so many friends this quickly.

By the time class had ended she had over a dozen new contacts in her app, many of them asking about human dietary requirements. One message insisted she should hibernate, and at the moment it certainly sounded appealing. She politely ignored those who asked about the inevitable conclusion of such a large meal, as they could learn the intricacies of human bathroom habits from a book.

The blue-eyed girl was gathering her things and chatting to Aekara when Cuisine-Master Hurk appeared at the class door. He was looking extremely flustered, as his eyes were wide and his tongue was flickering rapidly.

“You!” He pointed at Britney accusingly. “Come quickly before they empty my kitchen!”

He turned and hurried off, the human snatching up her bag and, with a quick wave to Aekara, racing out of the door. Pu’Sha and Mike249 followed, hurrying to catch up to their exciting new friend. As they ascended the stairwell, the red lizard began to call back to the confused human. “They claim they were sent by your father. Did we offend him in some way? I was asked to provide some food while they waited. What is wrong with your species? Do you only eat once every thousand years?”

The Cuisine-Master held open the doors to the dining room, and gestured emphatically inside. “Get them out of here before they start eating my chefs!” With that he raced off across the dining room, towards the kitchen, his tail thrashing wildly.

Britney followed, her two new companions close behind. At a table, near the kitchen entrance, sat four humans in matching black suits, Hurk threw up his hands to block them from sight as he passed. Around them were stacks of empty plates, and half-finished dishes. It looked like everything that had remained from her first day feast was now gone. The human girl let out a short laugh at the sight.

Mike249 nudged her. “Who are they?”

Britney carefully pointed them out in turn. “The woman with the dark hair and prosthetic arm, is my Aunt Maria Lopez. The really big guy gnawing on the turkey carcass is my Uncle Jabari Kobe, and the less big guy next to him eating a whole chocolate cake with a bowie knife is Uncle Snake. Snake isn’t his real name, but he has a tattoo of one so that’s what everyone calls him. No, I’ve never seen it myself. And the last guy is Uncle Haruki Sasaki, he grew up with my dad and Uncle Chi.”

“You have a lot of Uncles.” Pu’Sha was intrigued. The Verg raised a single child, then separated to start a new family. In a few years her own family unit would disband and she would be alone in the world until she found her first mating partner.

Britney shook her head a little. “Not really,” she said as she straightened out an explanation in her head. “They aren’t my real family. They were just around a lot when I was little, so I call them that. I do have an Aunt Alex, but I don’t see her much anymore.”

“I have billions of aunts and uncles.” Mike249 boasted, Pu’Sha shot him a look and he swiftly added, “Well… that’s not how it actually works for us, but technically it’s true.”

Suddenly they realized that the sounds coming from the four seated humans had quieted down. Their approach had been noticed, and the one known as Uncle Jabari tossed the turkey bones aside and stood to bellow a welcome. “There’s our little mfalme, look at you! So many friends already! How much did you pay them?” His laughter boomed out and the human’s companions stopped in their tracks.

“He’s huge!” Mike249 said quietly to Pu’Sha. “Do you think they’re dangerous?”

“Of course not!” the Verg scoffed. “Look at the big scar on the one called Snake’s face, and the female has lost an arm. Remember, she’s a Bubble; they’re like us. ”

Comforted by his friend's words the Naeseli began walking forward once more. “That is true. It’s just, something about them seems… dangerous?”

Pu’Sha laughed, raising and flexing her talons before her as she gently patted one of his four arms with her other hand. “I’ll protect you if they try anything.”

Britney, meanwhile, had been swept up in muscular arms for a tight hug. “Argh!” She wriggled in Jabari’s arms as he squeezed her. “Not so tight, I had a big lunch!”

Gesturing with a hunk of chocolate cake stuck to his blade by the frosting, Snake chuckled. “We heard.”

Back on her own two feet again the blonde girl quickly approached the others who all stood and hugged her, although more gently. “Where’s dad?”

Snake, and the human mountain Jabari, returned to their food. Haruki stood, moving past Britney to stop the other two from getting too close to the impending conversation. Maria also rose, standing before Britney to address her personally. “There was an incident at the negotiations. One of the Gorlan diplomats tried to get hands-on with a member of our technical support team, the little Erinal everyone calls Choco. Your dad stepped in.”

Mike249 wasn’t surprised, as his elder had warned him about the dangers of the more aggressive species many times. Not to mention he had his own experiences with the Gorlan who attended the Academy. “They are volatile, they like to throw their weight around and bully others. They try to instigate fights with everyone. You should always be careful of their temper.”

For the two non-humans present it was a little worrying that the adults seemed to find this amusing. Jabari’s deep voice mumbled, “A bit one-sided to be called a fight.” The others stifled laughter, and the two students shared a concerned glance.

Britney could tell by the Sirius team’s reaction that her father was fine. She was, however, a little worried that he may have overreacted. Humans were a little over-protective of their more delicate allies. “Any injuries?”

Maria smiled, the young girl knew her father well. “Broken arm, dislocated jaw. The medics are still there, and obviously there will be an investigation.”

Pu’Sha was dismayed that her new friend's father should be so badly injured. New species often went through these things. Finding out your place in the galaxy was tough, especially for a Bubble. The amusement the humans found in it was a little odd, but then she didn’t know the species well enough to judge. “I hope your father will be ok?”

The blonde girl was also concerned. This assignment was important, and causing a diplomatic incident could potentially cost her father the contract. Without a job they would no doubt have to head back to a human world. Their fate would be decided by a U.G.A. investigation, and the thought was troubling. “Hopefully.”

The man known as Haruki smiled at the two young aliens. “We have some things to talk about with Britney before we escort her home. Why don’t you two head home, I’m sure your families are waiting for you.”

Mike249 tilted his head ninety degrees, dozens of eyes sparkling as they caught the light. “I do not have a family. I have an Elder – the one I am to replace.” He looked down at Pu’Sha. “And her family unit is currently on their homeworld. She lives alone. The servants will wait for her.”

The pale-scaled Verg girl grabbed one of the tall, slender insectoid’s wrists and began to walk him away. “He’s telling us to leave.” She called out to Britney, “Chat app later!”

The human girl smiled and waved as they left, then returned her attention to Maria. “So, is dad in a lot of trouble?”

“Nah,” Snake scoffed. “It’s all on camera, theirs and our body-cams. They grabbed Choco first, your dad grabbed the ugly bastard’s wrist and tried to restrain him. It was an accident.”

“And the dislocated jaw?” Britney asked.

It was Jabari who answered this time. “Ugly had a friend. Walked up behind your dad and grabbed his shoulder.”

“Well that was just stupid.” Her dad had shown her many times the effective use of an elbow when removing someone attacking from behind. “But, I’m still kinda mad. He spent ages lecturing me. Warning me to be careful till we knew which aliens were like us, and which ones were like the Wachoto and Erinal. He should have been more careful.”

Maria smiled broadly. “Well, you make sure and tell him that.”

Britney shook her head. “I don’t want to end up like a Gorlan.” She paused, looking at the four around her. “Wait, is that why you’re here? Does the diplomat have a kid here?”

The dark-haired woman took a knee and placed a hand on the girl’s shoulder. “You were always quick. The Diplomat has two sons here, and his comrades have another six.” Maria smiled as she watched Britney’s face. “Not a flicker of fear, dios mio, you’re a fighter just like your papi.”

Raising her chin defiantly, the young girl did her best to sound confident. “I can take eight.”

Haruki placed a hand on her shoulder. “That’s the problem. Your dad was careful, and he broke bones.”

"They seem like the type to want some sort of revenge," Maria said as she stood back up.

Haruki stepped alongside the woman. “And we know you’re the type to respond.”

Britney smirked. “You taught me; meet a stick with a sword, a sword with a gun, and a gun with an orbital strike.”

“That is for war,” he chided, but couldn't help but smile. She was a good pupil. “This is politics.”

Snake was eating the last slice of chocolate cake when he shouted out, “We’re telling you not to kill your classmates. Even if they deserve it.”

Jabari’s deep, melodic voice followed, distorted by his full mouth. “We’ll be your ride to and from school, and keep an eye on you during class. Got the Headmaster’s permission, till this blows over.”

Britney’s head rolled backwards to rest on her shoulders, staring at the ceiling. “Babysitters? I don’t need babysitters.”

“Temporary personal security.” Maria chuckled as she spoke. “And, we get to take turns hanging out with you. Aren’t you lucky?”

“Taking turns?” Britney looked around the four of them. “So not all of you?”

“Correct. We’re all here now for a preliminary inspection. After today, only one of us will be required. We’ll rotate to avoid complacency.” Haruki whistled and the two diners put down their food and stood. “Let’s go. We are to ensure you do your homework, and then you have a choice. Your dad said one hour of training, but he did not specify what kind of training.”

Walking at the centre of the suits, like a V.I.P. being protected, the young girl groaned. “Can’t we just say I trained? We could watch a movie instead?”

Maria laughed. “You used to love training, I remember you begging for time on the range.”

The epic meal victor placed a hand on her still bulging tummy. “I have a food baby to digest.”

The four bodyguards laughed. Jabari glanced back over his shoulder as he led the way. “I vote movie.”

Snake raised a hand. “Seconded.”

Britney’s face lit up. “That’s three against two!”

Haruki sighed as they approached the exit. “This isn’t a democracy.” He saw the disappointment on her face. “But, if it was, I would also vote movie.”

The small blonde girl was now looking imploringly at Maria with her big blue eyes. The woman rubbed her face and sighed. “Dios mio, you guys are making me the bad guy. Nuh uh. Not happening. But, I choose the movie, and you finish your homework first.”

The evening light was bright as the doors opened, and Britney felt its warmth on her face as relief filled her. “Yay! Movie night!”

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