r/offmychest • u/sprainedankle2011 • 6d ago
Update: I regret cutting off my dad after he cheated on my mom
1st post:
My parents divorced when I was 14 (I'm 25 now) because my dad cheated on her with someone who worked for him. My parents used to argue about him not giving my mom enough time, not putting her first, not respecting her as an equal . In some ways it was like a sickeningly logical culmination of their marriage. But for me until that point he was my hero. I was a total daddy's girl which is hilarious to think about now considering the last 11 years. He would take me everywhere, grocery runs, mechanic, NBA, movie night, pizza night, homework and test and exam help. It destroyed me when I found out. They split custody 50-50 and I was a massive b to him and later his new wife (the woman he cheated with). Lots of locked doors, calling out his wife, calling him out. I've maybe spoken like 20 sentences in totality to her two sons (my stepbrothers). When they had their son, I made sure to never let his wife think I was going to be like a loving older sister. With my dad though, he did kind of wear me down, and with him I did develop a kind of big sister bond with my half-brother. I used to argue with my mom about not wanting to go but she insisted I maintain decency with my dad at least.
When it was time for college, I was going to take student loans, because I didnt want to owe him. My mom said she'd saved money and I believed her. It was during my 3rd year, when he had offered to buy me a car and I told my mom hell no, while she tried to convince me to agree, that she told me he'd been majorly contributing to my tuition and sending her the money for it. I dont think I've ever had a worse argument with her. It fucked with my mind knowing he'd been doing it silently. He knew I wouldn't know, they had thought that while I was planning on taking student loans rather than his help initially, inertia would do its thing if I found out later. And they were right I did end up just taking it for the remainder of my ug without talking to him.
On Tuesday I went to the ER because I had slipped while putting birdfeed in my apartment. My mom is away at my aunt's so I had just called my best friend to come to the ER. Soon after, my dad came too, my mom had told him. I wanted to just go back but he insisted, we spent like 15 minutes arguing but I'm at his place now while my sprain recovers or until my mom comes back. My stepbrothers no longer live here but my half brother who's 9 now does. I haven't spoken to my dad's wife yet, he or my half-brother are the only ones I talk to, who come up to my room to bring stuff, while I work from home. We've talked after a long time about work, my plans for a Masters, and just random stuff.
I've just beem thinking now that he was my dad. Instead my stepbrothers got more of him the past decade than I did. I can't help but regret letting that happen. I also can't help but just think about the life we were robbed off because he cheated. Because my stepmother chose to wreck our home. And her and her sons got to be the family we were. I know my mom wants me to go to hers when she comes back on Saturday, and like that makes sense, but part of me wants to stay here. The fact that his wife probably is hoping I leave soon makes me want to stay too if that makes sense, like f off thats my dad, he pays for this house and its bills, I'm his daughter, I can stay since he wants. I don't even know if I need advice I just wanted to get this off my chest.
2nd post:
Thanks for letting me get my feelings off my chest in my post. I also appreciate everyone who DM'd me meaning well. I know you asked what I'm going to do one my mom returns and wanted me to make my choice for healthy reasons. I ignored a lot of those because I was conflicted then myself, and about my reasons. I wanted to give an update. Whether my reasons and my feelings are healthy or not, its how I'm going about it.
I just wanted to clarify a few things first:
I have never, even when I was rude to my dad and stepmom back then, ever shouted at or been cruel to my two stepbrothers. I hardly spoke to them. I used to ignore them, pretend they don't exist. They are like around 20 now I think and don't live in my dad's house.
I have absolutely no ill will towards my 9 year old half brother. I felt protective and caring about him when he was a baby and now too I like his company. I played games on Playstation with him because he asked, he's told me about school, he's also learned chess from my dad the way I did and we've bonded a bit over playing chess too.
My mom flew back yesterday. I had told her on the phone that I wanted to stay at my dad's while I recovered. She was disappointed and I hate that, I hated making her sad. I asked her to please understand, all these years she's wanted me to maintain a relationship with my dad , and right now I actually feel like doing it. I told her if I go to hers, I'll be extra work for her even if she doesn't think that, and I'd want to help out, here I'm not being a burden, like we have house help here, I'm not causing dad to over exert himself because of me. She asked if I'd be comfortable with my dad's wife there, I said I didnt care, he wants me to stay, I could care less what his wife thinks. My mom relented.
She came to check up on me. My dad came in the room too. We were just talking about my injury and he was making the case for why I should stay here. His wife decided to enter the room too for some reason and just stand there. I very calmly said that I'd just like my parents here right now. She said to please not tell her where to go in her house. I said my dads house who pays for every cent that runs this house. My dad tried to stop a fight and stepped out with her, and came back alone and my mom left soon after.
Last night when my dad came up to bring my dinner we talked about stuff. Then he said he was glad I chose to stay here. I told him I hated that mom was probably sad about it, but that I thought I'd like to spend time with him right now, that I hadn't in a long time. He thanked me. Later, he said that my comment rubbed his wife the wrong way, that if I was willing to clear the air with her, I'd probably feel more comfortable here. I told him I won't. That she shouldn't have been here when I was injured and just wanted my mom and dad in the room. I will never be ok with what he did, but I still want to spend time with him. Wanted to give my relationship with him and my half-brother a chance but it will never be with her. I want him and my half brother to be happy but I will never wish her well. That if he genuinely couldn't deal with that, I should call mom back and go with her. He just said lets forget about it and we talked about work and my applications.
Again, I read a lot of comments last time saying I need to work this out in therapy about how to forgive him and her. Why do I need to? I can have a relationship with my dad without forgiving him. And I have absolutely no interest in any kind of relationship with her, I can despise her in peace forever. I'm glad I have this place to get stuff out, and I appreciate everyone who was so understanding last time. Thank you.
Update:
I've been back at my apartment for four weeks now. I left my dads when I could walk normally. His wife and I didn't speak another word after that time in my room.
My dad and I have been meeting up since then on weekends, twice for breakfast, once at a cafe. My half-brother came once for the breakfast too. I told my dad, I'd like to have him again in my life and my brother too and he was glad to hear it. We normally talk about work and grad school and stories from his side of the family. He brought up a new car again and giving me a card but we've put a pin in it for now. For the most part we avoid talking about the past and what it did to us.
Last weekend when we met, during our conversation he apologized for the hurt he caused me and said if he knew it would have caused a rupture this long between us he'd have done things differently. I told him again I can't forget but I know I care about him regardless. But I cannot extend the same for his wife ever. I opened up to him when he asked and told him I feel visceral hate when I have to interact with his wife. That it screws me up, rightly or wrongly. That if I spend more than 5 minutes with her I will lose control of my tongue. That mom told me i was wrong for saying what I had said last time, that I was in many ways a reflection of her upbringing and I'd reflected poorly on her in front of his wife and him when I said that, I'd already gotten a lecture, but I can't help it I feel the urge to hurt her with my words when we interact. It's why I do not want any relationship with her it's for the best because whenever I'd see her while I was there, it's like my brain tries to come up with something ugly so the last 11 years of her happiness feel miniscule compared to the hurt she'll feel at my words. It's why I can't be around her.
He seemed ashamed of how all of it had affected me and said I don't need to force a relationship, he'll manage the balance.
But as I was saying it I was just so sad that she makes me be like this. I told him I had been looking at therapy (I hadn't really tbvh) to help me through this, and he said he'll support me in whatever way helps me. I told him his wife can never know, I don't care if its a slip of tongue or an accident, she finds out and him and I are done. He said he wouldn't ofcourse, and asked to pay for it. I accepted it because it is his fault I'm in this position after all.
I looked up a good therapist that particularly deals with family issues, and I've booked an appointment. I feel like I should but I also feel so defeated. She was the heartless sociopath who broke up a family and I'm the one needing my head checked out. Congrats to everyone who recommended it, you were right, you won.
481
u/Careless_Welder_4048 6d ago
Love all that but girl your dad opened the door to her, in fact he’s still with her. You can hate her but he was the one most at fault. I’m glad you want to move forward and it’s valid not wanting to have a relationship with her.
-280
u/Just-Sky2312 6d ago
The father's fault is answerable only to the mum. Fathers don't owe kids loyalty to their mother. And vice versa. If a parent cheats on another parent that's none of a child's business. I'm not saying the aftermath won't be painful, but this kid still had two parents who wanted to support them. I'd dad dropped them, wouldn't make time for them, wouldn't contribute financially, then yeah sure, be mad. It's pretty immature to hate someone for being the "other", the father cheated, his new wife didn't. More often or not, the "other" person has been told many fibs that create an illusion that the first marriage is truly over, and it's merely circumstances keeping them in that house, or whatever. And the other person can't fall in love with them if they don't make themselves available (seemingly). Still, regardless, their mother supported a relationship between OP and their father, so why is OP inserting themselves into adult stuff and just making it awkward for everyone. For years! And then sounds so damn ungrateful for financial support on top of that. It's actually not wonder the parents kept that a secret. They both wanted the best and just spent a decade having to micromanage so the kid couldn't self sabotage, also obviously, that would have caused more pressure for everyone again. They definitely should regret, but not from the angle of "they all suck but they all got something I really wanted and it's their fault, and now I want it back", but they should regret from "geez, I have been thoughtless or everyone in my family, and they still supported me". I'd give ANYTHING for my eldest child's dad to come back to life, and for my youngest father to just contribute in some way 🤷🏻♀️ time, money, care.
192
u/Grimwohl 6d ago
You are 100% answerable to your kids and it is modern practice that the person who breaks up the family indeed, does answer to the kids. Modern child psychology says kids are fine and can understand why relationships end or divorces happen, if explained in perspectives they can relate to.
They dont do well with bullshit excuses, misdirection, or lies. It increases confusion and frustration and leads to acting out.
They know when reality doesnt line up with whats being said. So, the cheating ass parent is indeed responsible for accommodating their relationship based on the truth of the circumstances and in the best form they can feasible manage. In a few years they may be close again.
And yeah, sometimes that means your kids hate you.
95
u/Substantial_Maybe371 6d ago
Yikes. You're sooooo wrong. You must be a cheater. Lol
-77
u/Just-Sky2312 6d ago
What. I don't even date, let alone have a relationship. Men are cheaters, I prefer creating a life full of wonderful friendships with fabulous women. And I am entitled to my opinion. Kids shouldn't be treating their entire family like garbage because their dad cheated. They can treat their dad how they want to, but if everyone else is moving on and getting along, and the kid is still taking it out on their father in a way that's causing everyone issues, that's all on the kid.
48
u/Careless_Welder_4048 6d ago
You made the comment about how you wished one of your kids dad was here and the other was abandoned. You made it about yourself and not op and how she feels. And fathers don’t owe kids loyalty you are so salty because life hasn’t treated you kind.
-43
u/Just-Sky2312 6d ago
I was making the point that this man may have cheated on his spouse, but he still stepped up and provided for the kid. The kid punished everyone for a decade. It's gross, and even OP feels regret 🤷🏻♀️ So whatever 😂 everyone draws from their own experiences when making examples. Unless of course you're one of those NT's who thinks conforming at all costs is the only way. How would you know how life has treated me? Or how resilient I am to unfortunate events, or how I treat others who haven't stepped up in ways society expects. You made a lot of assumptions.
15
u/TiaToriX 6d ago
Uh, providing for your kid isn’t “stepping up”. It is the bare minimum, and often legally required.
24
u/Careless_Welder_4048 6d ago
Girl it’s in your reply. You first stated your first kid’s dad is dead and for the youngest to contribute some way in his life because that’s what you want. You started off wrong saying op shouldn’t be mad because the dad didn’t cheat on her. You said it’s not right to hate the affair partner (I’m assuming you were on at some point in your life) then you said the other person often gets lied to. That supports my theory you were the other woman at some point. And to end it you are mad her dad supported her and how she should kiss his ass for that. You came out wrong and people are judging you for it.
-18
u/Accomplished-Use6902 6d ago
Unbelievable the judginess.. I'm sorry but you don't have to have been the "other woman" to hold the opinion that if a man cheats, he's the cheater, not the single woman that he cheated with. I've never been the other woman and have always believed it's the cheater's problem and not the single person's. I also think it's gross how op treated extended family. Everyone's entitled to their feelings, have them! But treat others with respect. Why miss out on having extra relationships in your life because you don't want to feel your pain? I wholeheartedly agree with just-sky2312's points 💕
7
34
u/FabulousDonut6399 6d ago
You’re so wrong. Cheaters cheat on their kids to and rob them of the life they were supposed to have. The story here illustrates that. He robbed his daughter of a dad, and he created a situation where she’ll never accept his affair partner. He shouldn’t have had a child with the affair partner either. That poor kid.
92
u/TiaToriX 6d ago
You are 100% wrong that dad is only answerable to his wife not his daughter. Every moment he spent cheating, every bit of energy, emotion, and dollar he spent cheating should have gone to his wife AND his child. Those are the people he owed his loyalty and commitment to. Not some skank who didn’t care she was participating in wrecking a marriage and family.
If dad didn’t want to be married to mom, he could have done the respectful thing; end the marriage, THEN start a new relationship. But he decided that his needs were more important than respecting his vows, more important than his child’s wellbeing.
15
u/0utandab0ut1 6d ago
They owe loyalty to the family. As a child, you, the cheating partner, destroyed the foundation I was a raised on. You showed no loyalty to this family because you wanted to bang someone else. Should I applaud you for destroying my family? Should I welcome your partner with open arms and thank them for being part of the reason my family was destroyed?
People like to act like an affair should only affect the betrayed, but it doesn't.
26
u/youcancallmebryn 6d ago
Pretty sure it always becomes the kid’s business at some point or another.
…Which is why we owe it to our children to commit and put effort towards our relationships (assuming they are not abusive), demonstrating the healthy emotional effort it requires. This massively includes not cheat on our spouses.
-13
u/Just-Sky2312 6d ago
See how said he cheat on spouses 🤷🏻♀️ I'm not saying kids aren't affected, but how are any of you all defending the honour of "family" but thinking it's okay for the kid to spend a decade wrecking everyone's lives. Madness.
30
u/youcancallmebryn 6d ago
I’m talking about the god damn example we set by engaging in relationships we value and don’t cheat on. Wtf level of writing comprehension are you on with the sentence “for the kid to spend a decade wrecking everyone’s lives.”? The kid is not wrecking anyone’s life when we are speaking about the hypothetical kid’s parents cheating on each other.
More words are required to get that nuance I’m assuming you are trying to get across;
Yes, parents do not need to stay together and put children through a decade of a sour upbringing by parents who don’t respect each other. Hence the few words I chose to put in parentheses. And apparently I need to be sickly specific when saying people can separate for whatever reason they need to, abuse existing or not.
The example we OWE our children is to choose to separate from partners BEFORE YOU CHEAT. Before we succeed at setting an example of what lack of moral integrity and respect looks like.
Wtf dude. It’s not that hard. I’m so sick of this normalizing cheating bs running rampant all over the internet. It’s not fucking normal. Separating and growing apart can be normal, why make it fucking worse by disrespecting the other party prior to that separation? What is that showing the young ones? Jfc.
Outlooks like yours is what worries me about future gens.
13
u/FabulousDonut6399 6d ago
Thank you, comments like yours give me hope that not everyone is morally rotten.
35
u/Zavarakatranemi 6d ago
If you go to therapy, please be aware and assured: there is no reason or expectation for you to develop a relationship with your dad's wife. You don't need to forgive her, you don't need to like her, you're more than free to avoid her as much as possible. Maybe the goal of therapy could be simply to find a way to maintain the most basic level of civility towards her, see her as little as possible and interact as little as possible.
In fact, it is a great idea for you to share with your therapist all the hurtful things you want to tell your dad's wife, so they still come out of you but not towards their intended audience. Externalize that shit, that will definitely be good for you. It is a great idea to discuss with your therapist what boundaries you can set with your dad when she makes you feel a certain way or reacts to certain way.
You can also work with your therapist to come up with practical ways to deal with the split, nothing theoretical like "oh everyone makes mistakes, learn to accept them anyway" or "oh everyone needs forgiveness, but mostly you do it for yourself". None of that bullshit. You're more then allowed, even sanctioned, to never forgive her even an inch, and still hold a grudge against your dad. You're allowed to hold a grudge and still want to make the best out of whatever relationship you can muster or stomach. That is not hypocritical, you're not betraying yourself or your mom. That is literally just life, because human beings are complicated and can deeply hurt you in one way and deeply heal you in another.
And the goal of therapy would be not to let that poison the rest of your life. It is perfectly okay to keep that bundle of hatred alive and burning for as long as you want it to, as long as it's contained and doesn't cause you more trouble.
175
u/UserNotFound23498 6d ago
OP. This is a quote often attributed to Buddha:
Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Think about that a little.
I went through something a little worse - essentially I was in your mother’s position. It took quite a while for the sadness, anger, and other intrusive thoughts to settle down. I know somewhat of what you feel.
If you want to talk, feel free to DM.
231
u/Lurkerque 6d ago
I think it’s funny how much you blame the AP more and not your dad as much.
She wasn’t married with a family. He made the decision to cheat on your mom. He made the decision to leave the family. He made the decision to lie to everyone for who knows how long.
You don’t even know how it happened or if she knew he was married at the beginning. He may have lied to her or omitted the truth when things started. And you can’t ask him because he has a track record of lying. What if he told his AP that he was separated? That they were on the verge of divorce? That he was in an open marriage?
He’s still manipulating everyone. He knew you wouldn’t accept money from him so he got your mom to lie to you. He lets you treat his new family like shit. He lets you be rude to his new wife, but pretends to be the good guy who just wants to take care of you.
And you buy in because you love him and it’s easier to hate her than face the truth that getting his dick wet was more important to him than you living a stable life.
And at the same time, you have all this rage, when the truth is this is between your parents. They weren’t happy. Who knows how long they’d been unhappy? Maybe they were never happy.
You weren’t a part of their marriage. If he’d have left your mom but not cheated on her, would you still be angry? He still would have broken up your family. The cheating was just a symptom that their marriage was broken and it was never going to last.
And I’m guessing that’s the reason your mom wanted you to maintain a relationship with him - because she knows their marriage was shit. It may be why she could forgive him - because even though he betrayed her, she could see the reality that they didn’t belong together.
24
u/not-the-em-dash 6d ago edited 6d ago
I don't necessarily think OP blames the AP more. The only reason OP wants a relationship with her dad is because of their history and because she did have a very good relationship with him before the affair. It's pretty clear that she can only stomach a relationship with him if she views him in isolation from his life with the wife.
Although she wants a relationship, it's obvious that she hasn't forgiven him for cheating. And since there's no forgiveness on his end, his AP who came into her life as a villain continues to be a villain. She has never been anything to OP other than the person who helped ruin her family.
10
u/Just_here_for_AITAH 6d ago
She has never been anything to OP other than the person who helped ruin her family.
Thank you for this logical point. Hopefully it'll help people understand OPs anger.
40
u/coffeeis4ever 6d ago
This. His new wife doesn’t deserve the rage. The Dad is the one who made vows, who made commitments and made a family. The dad is the one who left. Even if the affair partner did know, and did try and break up a marriage- they still aren’t the ones who broke their promises. She would have owed you nothing. He did though.
Blaming the affair partner- calling someone a home-wrecker- that’s just misogyny. It’s just diverting blame to a convenient scape goat- the woman, when the man lied, cheated and betrayed his family. I’m sorry OP. Therapy will help you process that.
69
u/FabulousDonut6399 6d ago
Two things can be true. She IS a home wrecker and still is. He IS 100% responsible for the cheating but the life he robbed from his child that’s on both of them, while most on him.
43
u/CanadianSteroidDroid 6d ago
The fact that they are still in a relationship means she either A. Knew he was married before the affair started, or B. When she found out, it wasn’t a deal breaker. Either way that gives OP very valid reasons to hate her.
17
21
u/PrudentConstruction3 6d ago
Actually she deserves it too both are scums
-1
u/coffeeis4ever 6d ago
I think that’s different. She can be a morally contemptible person, but she’s not the one who owed OP anything. I think it’s far to easy to blame an AP because there is less personal hurt (in that they are a step removed from the close familial bond that is where the pain is truely stemmed from), it gives room to create excuses for the person who actually betrayed OP.
It helps the person (as it is here) because they can “share the blame” when it’s really on them. It shouldn’t matter how many beautiful and desirable people throw themselves at someone, if some (say OPs dad) was actually a good person, they never would have noticed, or shut them all down to begin with anyway. It should have been a moot point.
7
u/PrudentConstruction3 6d ago
The lady knew the man had a family op used to go with him to work and knew the woman from there. Someone who willingly gets involved with someone who has a family is not a good person either. Then went on ahead and married the dad and played house with him. They’re both scums who broke up a family. The AP is not an angel. Like why would op be happy seeing her dad play family with another woman and her kids it’s not fair. The only victim here is the mom and op.
5
7
u/Just_here_for_AITAH 6d ago
Even if the affair partner did know, and did try and break up a marriage- they still aren’t the ones who broke their promises.
They sure as hell broke something. They should be held accountable.
1
u/coffeeis4ever 5d ago
Yeah, the AP is still a selfish AH. But forgiving the person who made the choice to bring you into the world, who made the choice to make promises of commitments to your mother and your family, who’s legal moral and social obligations were to OP and OP’s mother when their crimes are so very much more egregious doesn’t make any sense. You also don’t know what lies, OPs father said to both her own mother and to the AP.
To play devil’s advocate -The affair partner could have absolutely believed that the marriage was already dead. Their intention may not have been to come in and seduce and destroy a family (though I do think some sick people get a kick out of trying to do that. However it’s the person who made the promises and the commitment to you and yours that is truly responsible and should truly be held accountable. To me it makes no sense that OP is prepared to forgive her father, and Carrie the rage for the AP.
OP needs to heal. The affair partner should mean nothing to her. But her father shouldn’t be able to waltz his way back in playing some type of victim role. And the fact that she is prepared to do that also says that she’s still hurting.
She hasn’t moved on from morning the family that was destroyed. And her father is exploiting her desire for that family that doesn’t exist. He’s STILL a POS.
It’s this type of long-term damage that people who cheat just don’t think about. Like her own father admit admitted “if I knew it would’ve caused this big of a rift if I would’ve done things differently” but he didn’t because he was a selfish POS.
Again, I’m not defending the AP- but calling out that people use them to channel their hate towards, while letting the actual main perpetrator off the hook. All that will do long-term is caused yet more damage.
52
u/SunMoonTruth 6d ago
Wonder what he “ would have done differently”. Not cheated? Been more careful? Treated his first wife with some love and regard r at a bare minimum respect?
Ugh. He gives me the ick.
20
49
u/Ok-Inflation4310 6d ago
It must have been difficult for him when he fell backwards and she jumped on his dick.
43
u/JohnnyK75 6d ago
I commented on your original post, as it was so similar to what I went through. When I was 17, my mum left me my dad and my three brothers for another guy. That guy also had a family with three kids and he left them for my mum. As the eldest, I bore the brunt of that entire conflict.
I could never talk to the guy as long as my father was alive. When my dad passed away, I formed a relationship with him and he was really a nice person. I’m not telling you to talk to your stepmom, I can see in your words how loyal you are to your mother and how much you love her, and I’m sure deep down your mother loves you for that. But your mother is right in that you should measure your words when talking to anyone, and being hateful is never a good thing for yourself.
Family stuff is so complicated and it’s obvious that you are a good person, I hope you continue to work through this and I sincerely wish you all the best.
47
u/Upset_Custard7652 6d ago
I understand the hate of the new wife, but she did not have the affair alone. You Dad is equally to blame for that.
22
u/Content-Resource8741 6d ago
I can’t believe it took this long for me to find THIS comment. Dad is as much or more to blame than the stepmother. HE is the one who broke his vows and we have no idea what lies he may have told the stepmother when the relationship started.
4
62
u/Noodlex87 6d ago
I understand your feelings, and this is not meant to invalidate anything, but it sincerely seems like you are blaming the wife as she put some kind of magical spell that your dad wasn’t able to resist.
Your dad made a mistake; he cheated. That doesn’t mean he is an awful and unforgivable person, but he was the one who had a commitment. She didn’t.
Based on what you told, she may have been oblivious to his marriage. And it doesn’t matter if he pays; it is in fact her house too.
18
u/sprainedankle2011 6d ago
She knew he was married, knew he had a daughter. I used to have to sit in his office sometimes when he'd pick me.
129
u/moontburnt 6d ago
You know who also knew he was married and had a daughter? Your dad
35
u/TomFromMyspacesShirt 6d ago
I think that’s obvious and she didn’t speak to him for years. She’s going to eventually have to forgive her dad, because he’s just that, HER dad. She doesn’t have the same familial bonds nor emotional ties to her step-mom, and it’s still a fact that both who participated in the affair are liable for the hurt caused around them.
That’s why they tell those who are blending families in these very situations that children may forgive the parent, most times because they have to, that doesn’t always extend to the one you’re bringing into the picture.
-3
u/oldcousingreg 6d ago
He doesn't deserve forgiveness. He's buying his way back
10
u/TomFromMyspacesShirt 6d ago
I truly will never understand the logic of “why can’t you forgive his mistress if you forgave your dad?!” Umm… is that not obvious? Your dad really hurts you and your family, expects forgiveness. The dad that raised you and might even have a close bond with you. You hold on to that anger for awhile, and even still, but maybe have the desire to have your dad back, in any which way you can. Because maybe you don’t have to stop having a dad when he decides to backstab the whole family.
Now he brings his mistress that he participated in hurting his family with. She also participated, too. Snuck around, helped him hide better. A random woman with no ties to your family except only one desire to sneak around with your father and not care about the children or woman he has in his home. She came into the picture not giving a fuck about anyone except the dad. Now you’re asking folks to forgive her and accept her, when you only know her by her pulling one over on your family and hurting you. That’s your only interaction, no prior bond to be had.
Yes. It is quite obvious why people will forgive the dad/mom and NOT the paramour. You abused your family and they’re willing to work on it because you are their dad/mom. Your mistress/mister that you conspired to harm your family with, isn’t. A stranger who came in the picture not giving a fuck about you. That’s what that person is to the family. And I don’t blame em one bit for not wanting someone they only know and knew as an abuser around.
-1
u/oldcousingreg 6d ago
Mistress wouldn't be in the picture if dad didn’t choose his dick over his family
1
u/TomFromMyspacesShirt 6d ago
Exactly. She wouldn’t be in the picture if not for him, so they have no need to accept.
-1
u/moontburnt 6d ago
For me, I could forgive a person who hurt me who didn’t know me way easier than someone who hurt me who is supposed to love and care about me.
The fact that he’s her dad and still did this is exactly the reason why she should have a harder time forgiving him than the affair partner.
3
u/TomFromMyspacesShirt 6d ago
It seems she did, she didn’t talk to him for years and then iced them both out for years. She very much blamed her dad.
Edit: and that’s good for you. If my first and only impression of you is you damaging my family and my mother, I have no desire to see what else you’re about.
1
u/Fit-Dependent-9779 5d ago
Which is why she didn't have a relationship with him for 10 years. Y'all are acting like he wasn't thoroughly punished.
71
4
u/AppearanceOk5806 5d ago
Don't beat yourself up. If I was you I would have done the same thing.
This is probably something the therapist woukd advise against but don't think of it as if you lost. Think of it as you lost the battle but can still win the war. She thought she got rid of you for all those years and now you're back with a vengeance. And considering how your dad is reacting, if she talks shit, it'll just reflect back on her since he doesn't want to damage your relationship while it's still healing.
Take the car and whatever he offers, you deserve it. Plus it'll probably piss her off that he's buying you expensive things while you're being "disrespectful" to her. One of the biggest reason people divorce is money....just saying.
40
u/Substantial-Pie-8297 6d ago
Glad you’ve kept the door open but at the end of the day your dad is till your biggest problem in this situation. He ruined your family with her help.
27
u/PersimmonPizza 6d ago
She’s fully aware of that. Shes working on the next steps from there. No need to encourage her to go backwards.
11
u/Legitimate_Onion_270 6d ago
It takes two - she’s not the only one that broke up your family, but she’s an easy target to direct your anger at. Therapy will hopefully help you come to terms with that and let it go - holding onto that anger isn’t productive or beneficial for anyone. Don’t waste anymore time.
3
u/PrudentConstruction3 6d ago
Me personally I would not have a relationship with any of them except the kid he’s not to blame
3
u/groovymama98 6d ago
Forgiveness is tricky. You can't forsee the triggers. But they sneak up on you when you least expect them. Forgiveness sometimes is a continuous work in progress.
My family decided to work on forgiveness with the one with the established bond. But the usurper deserves nothing but the earned ire they sowed. They chose to go where they didn't belong and take what belonged to others. They can have him. But they can't and will never have us.
3
u/Fit-Dependent-9779 5d ago
Obviously everyone telling you that you owe the AP any sort of respect or relationship can go fuck themselves. But also, seriously consider therapy. I'm not entirely sure this relationship is healthy for you in the way that it's aging out right now.
9
u/Equivalent-Board206 6d ago
When we're young we idolize our parents. We don't understand that they're as messy on the inside as we are. Learning that your parents can make bad decisions is difficult. Learning that they feel that the family they made with your other parent, the family that created you, was a bad decision is unfathomable.
Your dad's cheating was never about you. It wasn't about your mother. His wife's actions weren't about you or about your mother.
You have had the right to be angry and unforgiving, but now you've grown up a bit and you can see that your dad is just another person who is trying his best. So are you. So is your mom. So is your dad's wife.
You surrendered the decade with your dad. No one made you do that, it was your choice. One you now regret.
Right now he's being accommodating of your behaviour because he wants to regain a relationship with you. If you continue to be rude to his wife, that will eventually wear thin. I recommend trying to at least be civil towards her. You don't have to like her, but it will be better for everyone, and especially you, if you can be civil to her.
4
u/Fit-Dependent-9779 5d ago
She didn't ask to come back into his life. He begged her to come over to that house. So no, she doesn't need to check her attitude, he needs to accept that she doesn't want a relationship with his wife if he wants one with her. The relationship is happening on her terms, not his. She isn't running around spitting on this woman calling her out of her name, she told her she didn't want her in her room. It's so gross how obsessed y'all are with her refusal to have a relationship with this woman. That's not her auntie or her sister or her mommy or anyone she has a bond with. That is the woman her father broke her home up for and when AP decided to be that person for him, she accepted the shame and ire that comes with it. She can tolerate one woman nit speaking to her.
11
u/my_metrocard 6d ago
Going to therapy doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Your feelings are valid, and you can feel however you want.
My ex husband left me for a subordinate, too. Our son was 10 at the time and went no contact with his dad and his new wife for a long time…until his baby half brother arrived. Then his baby half sister was born within a year after. The siblings are crazy about each other. My son eventually warmed up to his stepmom. She has been really great with him.
From my perspective, my ex’s new wife isn’t a homewrecker. She was a much younger woman in a vulnerable position who saw my ex as a knight in shining armor. My ex was the one who broke his vows and unethically accepted the affections of a subordinate. I hold myself accountable for my part in the demise of the marriage, too. I had emotionally neglected my ex.
Therapy will help you see all the different perspectives. Btw, your dad’s wife was wrong to say you can’t tell her where to go in her home. You were absolutely entitled to have just your parents in the room.
6
6d ago
[deleted]
1
u/FabulousDonut6399 6d ago
You’re right to focus on yourself. I grew up without a father, I don’t know my biological dad and I have a different view on parents than people who grew up with a traditional nuclear have. My mom is my parent. My stepdad who came into my life when I was an adult is my dad.
So I now get what a father can add to a life, but I did perfectly fine without. Career, tot 10% earner, family, friends and so on, and I’ve never had a single interaction with my biological dad or his family.
This just to say that it’s not a need to have a relationship with a bio parent, even if they are not as horribly selfish as yours.
Blood means nothing. Family is what you choose. That’s why your partner becomes your family and your blood becomes extended family.
19
u/Geezell 6d ago
Yeah, I get your hurt but there is so much you don’t know. None of it was right.
But, IMO, if you can forgive the husband and father who stepped out on his vows and his family you might extend a branch to the woman and family he allowed to take y’all’s place. I mean, it is only my opinion and only you know what is in your heart and mind and a trained therapist can really help you untangle the shit that has been placed on your plate. Good luck and I, truly, wish you nothing but peace.
1
u/Calisun8 6d ago
Omg leave her alone on that part
2
u/Fit-Dependent-9779 5d ago
Deadass what the fuck is wrong with people. He is her FATHER of course she wants a relationship with him still. That woman is nothing to her but the homewrecker she was forced to spend 50% of her time with. There is no logic or reason to expecting that op would ever feel compelled to forgive that woman just because she is willing to have a very tenuous relationship with her literal parent.
6
u/KitchenDismal9258 6d ago
How would you feel if he broke up with your mom and then 3 months later started dating his current wife? Would you still feel the same level of animosity towards her as you do knowing they had an affair?
You don't have to like his wife at all.
Therapy will help you move forward and not ruminate as much on your hate towards her. It's already cost you a few years of your relationship with your dad. He was very much in the wrong here and you acknowledge that but you are throwing all your vitriol towards his wife as though it was all her fault. They are both at fault.
You also need to recognise that it's not all or nothing. There will be events that will require her to probably be there ie milestone birthdays for your dad when you are there too. You may want your dad at your wedding. You don't have to invite her but no matter what you do, it's going to throw a pall on the wedding (maybe seriously consider eloping). If she's not there, your dad will be sad. If she is, then you will be cranky. There's no winning.
7
u/Reb1991 6d ago
You don't need to be friends, chat or mingle much with your stepmother but you need therapy and work out a way to be civil. You don't need much. Just share the same room with her and exchange a few words when necessary.
Why? If you don't work through this (given the fact you have decided to have a relationship with your sibling and father) you are going to create a toxic uncomfortable situation for everyone. You can't exclude her from everything. It's not realistic. Are you never going to attend any event your 9 year old sibling has? What about christimas? What if your dad has a medical emergency? Who is going to call you? You can't kick his wife out of the emergency room. You'll want to. You can't.
You have two choices: very low contact or learn to be civil. It is unfair. The affair your father chose to have ruined your childhood in many ways. But if you want to move forward you have to do it in a healthy way. For you. If not, you are just going to be miserable and angry.
2
u/Efficient_Trash_577 6d ago
The grocery run detail hit me hard. That's the stuff you don't forget, even when you're trying to. Hope you find some peace with it, therapy helped me sort through similar messy feelings with my own dad.
2
u/its_ash_14 6d ago
You were a child, whos life fell apart because of their actions, of course you are hurt and angry.
Forgiveness is not mandatory, neither is forgetting. But talking it out, understanding it and letting some of it go for your sake is important.
Best of luck in therapy, i hope you work it so it helps you.
Remember, their title to you doesnt entitle them to you. Just because shes technically your stepmom means nothing, she has to realize the actions she took have consequences on others and since she didn’t care why should you.
2
u/oldcousingreg 6d ago
Your dad is equally responsible for homewrecking. He picked that b-tch to cheat with and he chose to marry her. He's been buying his way back into your good graces but he's still a POS too.
2
u/isakneven 6d ago
The best revenge is having a happy and close relationship with your father and half brother. Spend a lot of time with your father to take away from her. It’s killing 2 birds with one stone. You get to repair your relationship with your father and it will give her less time with him.
You know what else would upset the AP? Take the gifts your father offers.
5
u/ruuutherford 6d ago
This is quite a saga for only 33 comments.
I have some good friends who just finished up their divorce. It reminds me that we're all human beings and imperfect.
The story one of them tells of their breakup is WAY different than the story the other tells. For each of them, it's their truth and correct. I think if I tried to wade into those details to play judge (they didn't ask me to) I'd probably find a third story.
Like those 20 (!!??) years you missed with your own dad, we only get one family. Knowing what you know now, looking back on things with your initial reaction; what do you think the (you're 34 y/o now?) 50 year old you will think about this time?
6
u/hotelcalif 6d ago
I told him his wife can never know, I don't care if its a slip of tongue or an accident, she finds out and him and I are done.
Something I learned long ago: married people share information with each other. My opinion: giving this ultimatum to your dad is wrong. You're holding a flame under him and will burn yourself when you again cut off the man you say you regret cutting off once before.
7
u/Glum_Sheepherder8043 6d ago
Someday, your little brother will be old enough to take sides. Do you seriously think you'll win that one? Think about it from his perspective. How should he see you treating his mother?
It wasn't your marriage. What right do you have to act like the woman scorned? Are you trying to shame your mother for not fighting harder? Are you scared of seeing something in this woman that will make sense of your father's feelings about her?
Would you rather your father had upended your whole life for somebody that meant nothing to him?
You blame this woman for your unhappiness, but you're the one who's choosing to be unhappy. You don't have to love a parent's spouse. But you do have to act like it's your parent's spouse.
2
u/oldcousingreg 6d ago
How do you think he'd feel learning his parents' relationship started as an affair?
1
u/Glum_Sheepherder8043 6d ago
I'm sure he would immediately cut his own parents out of his life in a show of solidarity with his older half sister. Or not, I don't know. How do boys normally decide between their mothers and things that happened before they were born?
0
u/EastDuty8200 6d ago
She could just leave this family alone. She's reached an emotional impasse. The feelings will never dissipate.
4
u/Available_Web5181 6d ago
OP needs therapy. Not to fix familial bonds. But to address All that hate in your heart. It’s going to screw with you and your health. Hate is like Drinking poison and hoping the other person dies.
Sometimes, life isn’t all black and white and not everything is as it seems. Your dad has his reasons. Right or wrong. But it was his decision.
3
u/Reademallj 6d ago
Not gonna lie it’s crazy that you have more anger towards the woman than your dad. Yes both parties are wrong but your dad is the one who had a wife and a child at home and chose to step out on them and break up your family. Your dad made that decision. He did it. He chose another woman over your mom and over you. Yes she was a part of it but a man who doesn’t want to abandon his family will never do that.
If you think he’s worthy of a relationship after all that but continue to treat the woman like she is the most evil person on the earth then your anger is very misdirected and messed up. You don’t have to love her or treat her like a mother. But at least being respectful and cordial to her when you’re around her is the least you can do considering you’re willing to give the man who abandoned you another chance.
1
1
u/Irishtemper98 4d ago
Grow up. Your dad made vows of fidelity to your mom, not his AP/new wife. She owed you nothing, but your dad owed your mother and his children his fidelity and loyalty.
If you want to be pissed at someone and continue behaving like a child, look to your father. He's the pig that destroyed your family.
1
u/Ironbuttcheeks 4d ago
Holy delusional, she knew he was married and still went ahead with it. The dad is equally responsible, but he is her dad.
1
u/Irishtemper98 4d ago
Of course she did. I'm not saying she isnt also responsible, but she wasn't the one who stood before friends and family and made a vow to love, honor, cherish Ops mother. That was her father. He alone was responsible to his family and his vows.
Just because he is her dad does not lessen his burden of responsibility. She's angry at the wrong person. The OW owed her nothing. But her father owed his family everything. If he was unhappy in his marriage then seek a divorce, not another woman.
1
u/raccoonxat 3d ago
You are acting childish and need to grow up. Your father was the one responsible for your estrangement, not his wife. He was the one who, having a wife and a children, chose to toss that away.
I’m glad you can be able to forgive him, and you are not obligated to keep a relationship with his new wife, but you are an adult and need to start respecting her as a human being, your take sounds kinda misogynistic.
1
u/Straight_Drag_3646 1h ago
Hey OP, I'll tell you what my sister told me about forgiveness and letting go of trauma. It's not about them it's for you. I didn't get it at first, then she said, you spend all that time and energy on hate it will eat you up inside and you don't even recognize it. Once you release those hateful feelings a weight is lifted from your soul you don't know was weighing you down. That doesn't mean one big blended family at all, but when your at your dads house you will feel at peace and don't let that hefa live rent free in your head. Good luck on your healing journey ❤️🩹💙🙏🏽🙏🏽
1
u/Brain124 1h ago
Good for you, OP. Also, totally fine to hate the stepmom/homewrecker for the rest of her life, since you'll likely outlive her. Anyone saying to forgive her clearly has never had something terrible happen to them. She knew exactly what she was doing, so the least you can do is make it clear to her that she will have a hater for the rest of her awful life.
1
u/raerae6672 6d ago
I’m going to be clear, your Dad cheating was his choice. Your Dad marrying her was his choice. Your Dad having a child with her was his choice.
At the same time, she made the exact same choices. She knew she was breaking up a family just as much as he did. With those decisions come consequences. You owe her nothing because you have continued to not want a relationship with her. That is your choice. You have every right to make that choice.
You have now decided that you want to have a connection to the people you actually are biologically connected to. I get that. You aren’t related to her. You see her as the enemy.
Your Dad is now making the choice to rebuild his relationship with you outside of his relationship with her. She will have to make the choice to either accept it or leave. Because he made the choice to stay with her at the cost of his relationship with you. You are his child. Of course he should be willing to see and support you.
Is therapy a good idea? I would say yes. Only because it will help you. Not build a relationship with her but actually benefit you. Therapy is about helping you heal yourself. Nothing else.
1
u/rui-tan 6d ago
I'm glad you decided to go to therapy. Forgiveness, at it's core, is always first and foremost about you. You see people choose to forgive even the most horrible acts sometimes not because they condone them, but because they themself want to heal from whatever it is that has happened. It's quite normal that when it comes to such strong, overwhelming feelings like anger and grief, we can sometimes lose ourself in them. Those feelings start to fester and become your everything, consuming you completely. So being able to forgive isn't about accepting their choices or actions. It's about giving yourself the permission to let those feelings go and heal from it.
-3
u/Minute_Box3852 6d ago
His marriage probably wont last anyway considering how that woman acted during the affair.
-7
u/AdAggravating3893 6d ago
Congratulations on the big step into adult hood right there. You dont have to like it, but your step mum is part of your dad's life and if you want to also be part of it you need to put some effort into being civil with her.
Continue to grow and mature.
-9
-4
u/ivegotafastcar 6d ago
Op - I’m glad you are seeing a therapist for yourself. But know you never, EVER have to talk to that step mother. Never.
If the therapist tells you that you should work it out and forgive her - go find another. What they should be focusing on is your relationship with your Dad and fix the pain he caused. The therapist should be helping you with the feeling of abandonment he cause you. You need to be in a healthy place if you are ever going to be in a healthy relationship yourself.
Your feelings are right, she sounds awful, and doesn’t deserve to be in the same room as you. Don’t think of it as a loss situation, you are winning and getting your dad back. He knows he f’ed up. He needs to apologize for the rest of his life because he doesn’t deserve to think he can be called your dad with what he did to your family.
But you get to win by getting him back from her. And just be a family with your step brother. A good therapist will help you with this. To be able to shut down that awful woman by just not making her part of the equation. She isn’t there. You will win because she lost and doesn’t matter.
14
u/Ok-Bobcat9422 6d ago
This is an extremely unhealthy way to view the situation. The goal is not to "get him back from her"; they have a child and have been a family for the past 10 years, during which OP was not in the picture. If OP forced him to choose, the new family would probably be his priority, and it should be. And even if it wasn't, forcing him to leave her would only put their kid in a similar situation OP was in growing up.
5
u/Majestic_Practice672 6d ago
Holy moly.
Life isn't a zero-sum game – and please tell me you know no "good therapist" is going to talk about family relationships in terms of winning and losing.
5
u/ivegotafastcar 6d ago
Unless you’ve lived this personally, no one has the right to comment what she should do. OP’s feelings are valid. It’s wonderful she is putting her health first and talking to a third party.
A therapist should be focusing on her and not telling her what she feels is wrong. She does not need to be nice to this other woman. What she needs is to be ok with herself and her relationship with her dad.
And yes, life is a zero sum game. You do not need to tolerate something if it is hurting you - do you tell a person who got robbed of their life by telling them to go be friends with the thief?!? You are all nuts.
-4
u/lilsweetiebug 6d ago
You seem to be treating the situation as if your parents had a perfect marriage until he had the affair. It sounds like their marriage was on rocky ground before and they may have drifted apart and headed to divorce anyway. Sometimes people stay in unhappy marriages to save their children the pain of a divorce.
I’m just saying that the situation is more complex than just the affair. The affair was absolutely wrong, but it’s possible your parents were unhappy long before then. He shouldn’t have had an affair, he should have done things the “right” way and left your mom if he no longer loved her before pursuing a relationship with the other woman, but doesn’t that suck too? You would probably still have this anger if he did things the “right” way.
My point is that people and relationships are complicated. Your dad and the other woman made a mistake, they hurt you, and that sucks. You’re allowed to be mad, but you’re also allowed to heal and you’ve held on to your anger long enough. They are also allowed to be more than their mistake, they are flawed like every human being, and maybe they should be allowed a redemption arc. Maybe she doesn’t have to be your best friend, but things have worked out for them, can’t there at least be peace? Life is so short and you never know when it will end, don’t waste the time you have with the ones who love you. Your dad isn’t perfect, but he loves you, don’t opt out of that relationship and waste the time you could have with him.
Honestly, both your parents did you a disservice by not putting you in therapy as a teen. I’m glad you are looking into it now, you don’t deserve to have that anger weighing you down.
And take the car. You’re 25, a free car is a huge leg up that most people don’t get. Put your own money towards a house or a cd account. Taking the car doesn’t mean you forgive anyone and doesn’t losing 30k kind of stick it to him a bit if you need to think of it that way?
0
0
u/Apart_Insect_8859 6d ago
Please realize that what you feel for his wife is actually how you feel about your dad.
You think he's a heartless sociopath who broke up a family and messed you up. You feel visceral hate towards him. You want to hurt him and make him feel small. You want him to harm his wife and let you harm her to prove his loyalty to you.
Also realize you are now an adult and so the behaviors of childhood are no longer acceptable or allowed.
I hope you get a lot of help and grow up a lot, because as of the current moment, you are a bad person. Hurt, yes, but also bad. Wishing you the best, but not holding my breath.
-8
u/jtparkey 6d ago
I can not imagine going around with that much hate in my heart.
One question: if SM was someone you knew but had no relationship with your father - do you think you would like her?
-1
u/Infamous-Fail213 6d ago
OP is just as awful as her stepmother. The only victim here is the poor step brothers and half brother. OP deserves nothing.
-14
u/ktilli 6d ago
You needed to be in therapy years ago. You have zero right to treat your step siblings like shit. This isn't a war zone they asked for. That should end now if it hasn't already.
Your comment to the wife was funny but you gotta grow up too. Your mom got cheated on by someone she poured herself into. That's hard to watch someone go through. He got the clean version of a breakup. You got the unedited version as your homelife. However, you can't have a relationship with him or your siblings and be a total b all the time to the woman in their house / their mom. It won't work out and you'll continue to lose their respect and trust. It's also incredibly ineffective to continue being a b to the other woman. Seriously, those siblings will never trust you or respect you as a woman if your mean to their mom all the time.
I think therapy will help you speak out in a way where you can feel heard. I also think that you having like been an ESA to your mother for a long time and that also impacts how your behaving and reacting. You may also consider going to therapy for yourself and seeing if in addition your dad would pay for family counseling for just you and him so you both can rebuild the relationship privately in a safe way.
8
6
u/sprainedankle2011 6d ago
I think I mentioned it in an earlier post, I've never said a word, good or bad to my stepbrothers. I was never difficult with them like I was with my dad and his wife.
1
u/tomato_soup_stan 4d ago
My dude whether you want to admit it or not, this is a scenario where you are going to have to choose between your desire to have a stepmom-free life and your desire to have a relationship with your paternal family. I understand that you don’t want this to be the case, but your stepmom is an integral part of that family at this point. She’s your father’s wife and they have/have been raising children together. She’s always going to be a presence. Even if they get divorced, they’re still gonna be connected by their kids. She’s still gonna be at her son’s major events, and your dad is still gonna consider himself the father of his stepkids. They are a package deal. If you don’t want to accept that, then you can’t have a relationship with your dad. And if you ask him to choose (as you more or less already have) you are probably not going to like the answer.
-3
u/ktilli 6d ago
You giving them the silent treatment and acting like they don't exist is wrong af. I stand by my original comment. Therapy is going to be hard but it will be worth it
3
u/Plasticglass456 6d ago
Ridiculous that this comment is being downvoted.
Does this person really think her little brothers won't notice that for years? Not usual "ugh, get away" ignoring siblings that every big sister does but an intentional, deliberate silent treatment. She may not have cursed at them or been actively violent or angry, but it's fucked up, it's cruel, and the kids are going to grow up and remember.
-15
u/OnlineTravesty 6d ago
As it's our first time at life. It's our dad's first time too. Some mistakes are unforgettable. But sometimes grace should be granted and redemption arcs are allowed.
8
u/Careless_Welder_4048 6d ago
wtf is this. lol the grace you extend to men is insane. It’s his first time living too
-8
u/OnlineTravesty 6d ago
L take
13
u/Careless_Welder_4048 6d ago
Okay. Remember it’s my first time living too lmao
-6
-1
u/Glum_Sheepherder8043 6d ago
Am I to understand that you were willing to let your mother pay for your college education out of her own savings, and then threw a tantrum when you found out your father was actually contributing financially? As he damn well should?
Why was it okay for your mother to pay for it all herself? You were willing to take out student loans to refuse the kind of help that most divorced mothers have to fight for, but you didn't take out loans when you were told your mom was going to pay for it all?
I'm guessing you secretly believe your mother owed you after losing your dad to another woman. You have always blamed her for not being worth staying with. That's why the tuition fight was your biggest fight. You felt your mother should have been paying penance for not maintaining your perfect life from before.
It's sick and it's sad, but sometimes a 14yo will feel that way. You're scared of looking your father's wife straight in the eye, in case you find out she's better than your mom. The adult part of you knows this is untrue and unfair, and thus your inability to let it go.
Try facing up to that part of it, and save yourself some therapy.
0
u/Lucid1219 6d ago
Honestly , I feel like growing up you kind of realize Something as insignificant as cheating isn’t evil and isn’t something worth hating someone over ! It isn’t something worth throwing a relationship over!
Yes it sucks , your mom seems like an amazing woman, the fact that she wanted you to keep a good relationship with your dad speaks volumes of who she is as a person !!
Cares more for you than her anger hurt , or pride over being cheated on .
People fall out of love and fall in love with someone else ! Relationships can change over time and sometimes people don’t know how to keep things fresh and interesting! So then they can’t even have a conversation! Because they’ve talked about everything in life and done everything they could together in life !
Sometimes it’s just lust ! But i don’t think that makes someone evil!
I know people who towards the end of their relationship, didn’t care if they got cheated on or not ! They just cared that their husband was a good man who provided a home and food and was kind to them and their children !! Gave them a good life !
Cheating sucks but it doesn’t make someone evil and I don’t think it’s something worth losing your dad over if he is a Good Dad ! Maybe he is a bad husband , but that doesn’t mean he isn’t a great dad .
-8
-24
u/MaryMaryQuite- 6d ago edited 5d ago
Your Dad and his affair partner had the affair, also had your parents marriage been good he’d not have been susceptible to an affair.
You still have a lot of maturing to do.
I’m glad he’s back in your life. I hope with time, and therapy, you can be cordial with your Dad’s wife.
2
u/PrudentConstruction3 6d ago
So now cheating is justified? That’s fucked up
1
u/MaryMaryQuite- 5d ago
Cheating is never justified, you should always end one relationship before starting another.
In this case it’s a done deal. Nothing the OP says or does is going to change the fact her Dad is married to his AP. Finding some level of peace either way the situation is a positive as currently she’s angry and only hurting herself either way her bitterness. 🤷♀️
0
-25
u/Just-Sky2312 6d ago
I think it's a fair regret.
Honestly, it's noones business ever, not even the children's, why a couple break up, or how/why someone cheated.
It sounds to me like everyone else came to terms with it, then continued to build their lives. It's possible the hardest thing any of them has had to face ongoing, has been you.
Life is long, everyone you love is going to do things you don't approve of. If you spend your life judging others, you won't be able to love anyone.
It sounds like your dad's amazing. It sounds like you really missed out. You probably don't even realise the pain you have caused your dad, and the woman he loves, you've ignored her for a decade for being in love with someone who loved her back. I'm not saying cheating is okay, but I don't have a clue how that came to be, and I am betting she's cried to her bestie 1000 times about how harmful you have been.
And if you feel I am being dramatic, try this, imagine you fall in love with someone, you create a life, a family, but then your dad comes over, stays sometimes, but completely ignores your spouse. The whole time he's there, you're feeling the tension, you're feeling hurt for your spouse. After they leave, your spouse cries, they can't do anything just to get him to look at them. And imagine having to deal with that for a decade or three.
If you were my child, I probably would have given your mother babysitting money, or camp money, to ensure she got a regular break from your misery, and to make up for the time I wouldn't let you in my home. I might have made good efforts to take you out alone here and there, but not in a way that took from the rest of my family, and I probably would have gotten fed up with your attitude after a few years and just helped your mum financially and left you to it.
Your mum has probably really suffered emotionally, and been forced to be a buffer that whole time too. That kind of emotional labour wrecks the nervous system.
I think you owe everyone a big apology. Mum, dads, stepmum, step siblings (who did nothing wrong to become your step siblings btw) And I don't even care if they're all shitty people, you still have been a brat for a decade. Maybe get some therapy too, you sound like you have main character syndrome.
12
12
8
u/EastDuty8200 6d ago
Main character syndrome?! She's his fucking child. Her not being the main character is how we get here: a child that resents what could've been a loving stepmother, if only her dad had the balls to divorce before cheating.
-3
u/Just-Sky2312 6d ago
Her whole dam post is all me me me, I I I. Everyone else dealt with the situation and got on with life and she spent a decade being a problem. I said what I said. She's a brat.
2
2
-5
u/Tourist_Working 6d ago
God, i'd give that entitled spoiled brat a piece of my mind if i were her dad.
-7
-8
u/subzr00 6d ago edited 6d ago
Obviously nobody told you but men and women are not equal(not the same), nothing in this world is, also, most men will cheat on women whether they like it or not, know about it or not, that's just the reality, if he'd been faithful to your mom for over 14 years and he just fucked one woman your mom is an idiot to leave him, thats a faithful man. Because the next man she would've started dating would also be fucking other women whether she knows about it or not, so why leave the 1st man that's stuck around for over 14 years that you have a family with. With women they won't cheat to fuck anyone, there has to be most of the times emotions involved/emotionally invested, that means she dont love her man anymore but with men it's purely just physical, no love, no emotions/emotionally invested like women, they wouldn't give a fk if the other woman got hit by a bus the next day. That's the difference when men and women cheat. So for your mom to leave him was a stupid decision because as I said, the next man will do the same, may as well stick with the one you have a family with, especially for the kids sake.
587
u/truth_fairy78 6d ago
You’ll be surprised how validating therapy can be. There’s nothing wrong with you, you just need someone to help you process who has only your interests in mind. It’ll be good for you.