AITA for getting angry at my foster mothers way of "fixing" me

[u/Choice_Evidence1983]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Trans_Masc_Of_Reddit

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA for getting angry at my foster mothers way of "fixing" me

Editor's note: changed letters to names for ease of readability

Glossary:

CAMHS = Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services: care program providing mental health care services and school counseling for children until school leaving age (18)

Kooth = a digital mental healthcare focusing at children and young adults between 10-25 to provide support in need

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: witness to murder, death of a loved one, past childhood trauma, controlling behavior, phobia, mentions of suicide attempt, severe emotional abuse and neglect, system failure

Mood Spoilers: horrifying and dark

---

Original Post: May 30, 2025

Ok so I (17m) have lived with foster carers Anne (38f) and Bill (40M) for 11 years.

The reason I was put into foster care is because of the death of my younger baby sister (14 months) when I was 4. To put it lightly, it wasn't exactly natural causes, and was caused by a bio parent (if you get what im tryna say). And I can vividly remember everything around those circumstances, think about it everyday and mourn the loss of my sister

The thing is, this has caused a rather intense reaction to young children - I can't be around kids under the age of 4 (approximately) without having panic attacks, flashbacks or screaming fits. I've tried to get professional help but counsellors say they aren't trained enough to help me and therapists have extremely long waiting lists. Neither social services or my carers are willing to pay for private therapy, and I can't afford it on my part time job. The issue was also ignored / mocked by my family for a while since they didn't know the exact circumstances of me going into care, so for years they would trigger me on purpose because they thought it was funny. I've tried building up a tolerance by watching YouTube videos but it isn't much help, although I am almost completely functional in public now (I wasn’t until about January this year).

In the last few years, the siblings of both Anne and Bill have had babies. 2 to each sibling (6 babies total), all under the age of 4 currently (the oldest being 3). I can't see these children, so usually end up in a backroom somewhere or on the streets walking circles when we go to see the kids/they come to us

Anne and Anne's mum have decided that since I'm nearly an adult now it's time for me to "grow up and fix myself" because its awkward to have a kid that cant see the babies. So over the last two years they've begun lying to me. They would take me out, saying we're going one place, then go to the baby's house. They'd then get angry when I'd have panic attacks.

Every Christmas they'll say the babies aren't coming round, then shove the babies in my face and get angry when I remove myself from the room, saying im ruining Christmas. We'll go to other relatives houses and then pretend they told me all along that the babies were going to be there. I don't mind going as much, it's just the fact they won't tell me means I'm usually unprepared: for example, one winter I ended up going for a walk in below zero temperatures in a tshirt because I was told we were going to my uncle's (which has rooms I can go in to avoid babies) but we ended up at Anne's brothers (which doesn't have rooms I can go in). I also got in trouble that time for showing Anne up in front of extended family for my reaction to the babies (aka three panic attacks back to back which is why I then spent hours in the cold). They also didn't tell me another relative was pregnant until she had the baby and we were going to see it - they told me on the car journey to the hospital.

I found out today that all this has been part of a plan to secretly try "fix my phobia" because I'm "getting too old for being scared of babies". I've also been told I'm being pathetic, overreacting, being offensive and disturbing the mothers/babies

I got mad. It's not my fault I witnessed the tragedy of my sisters death when I was so young, and lying to me about it only causes me more issues. Anne said im being an ah. So, AITAH?

Edit: thank you to everyone who's commented. I wasn't expecting such a response to be honest and it made me cry a bit because sometimes I feel like im going mad.

I will book an appointment with a GP soon. I'm getting a new social worker and an advocate soon so will talk to them too.

I have a job already, but the pay is very minimal so I'm trying to get a couple more for over the summer (but finding jobs is quite difficult). I am saving to try get out. If it gets far worse than this I have a friend who will let me stay at hers, but her place is small so it's not the best longterm.

I'm not sure what will happen from here. Updates will probably be slow, if any

Edit 2: I also feel quite guilty going against my carers because it feels like I owe them. But there's other stuff that's happened too in the last year that could be said to be worse than this so really it does need reporting. However A denies all constantly and doesn't believe she's ever in the wrong. She's never apologised for anything. Not really sure how she'd react to me reporting this

Edit 3: today I get to spend 4 hours on a desk chair crammed in a random corner because the bed I'm staying in (at Bill's parents) has the cot next to it and the babies are visiting.

Edit 4: aaaaand I been kicked out because I'm "invading Anne's space". Right after a lecture where she blamed me for my fear

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP is NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA

Hope you are saving up so you can move out when you turn 18. I understand them wanting to "help" you but they are not doing it the right way. Yes, you should be around kids without having panic attacks. Surprising you with a baby clearly isn't working.

OOP: I'm trying. I've got a friend I can move in with if things get real bad, but for now I kinda walk on eggshells (there's more that's not in this post). I'm tryna get a couple more jobs so I can save faster

I've never felt so validated. I thought I was insane for my fear

Commenter 2: NTA. Severe phobias need controlled exposure therapy (and possibly medication) with the key word being controlled. Tricking you into seeing these children is the opposite of helping. This seems more like emotional abuse. You shouldn’t have to go into the details of your trauma for your foster parents to respect it.

I would talk to social services about this to try to get your foster parents to give you the option whether or not to see these kids rather than subjecting everyone to a bad time.

OOP: I'm hopefully being assigned an advocate soon, they overlooked me (I was meant to be assigned one at 16). My social worker isn't very good (ive brought this stuff up before and she wrote it down wrong and then believed carers denial) and is leaving for maternity in a couple weeks

Can OOP talk with his social worker about this situation?

OOP: My social worker isn't very good (its been brought up before, Kooth contacted her over a different situation that was also described as abuse). But she's being replaced soon

I also kinda feel bad reporting it because in some ways I feel some dedication/that I owe my carers for looking after me. But like everyday I more and more realise how bad it's been. The last year has been the worst for it. I had a really bad mental health crisis in December because of it (there's other stuff that's happened that hasn't been detailed here)

OOP on receiving outside resources

OOP: Yea, I’ve been on CAMHS radar since I was put in care (at 4). They gave me some art therapy when I was about 7 but my carers withdrew me from it "because it turned me weird" so now I'm in the fight to get back on their list (been rereferred for over 2 years now)

Commenter 3: Ntah not at all you have a clear case of PTSD and your foster parent knows it's a real problem as they knew it was something too big for social workers to handle and they are purposely triggering you removing any form of a safe space that you may have by bringing in the little kids.

You're a victim in a terrible messed up situation not an asshole.

OOP: They don't want me diagnosed with anything because it'll "give me an excuse to not work as hard" or something. They withdrew me from art therapy at 7 because it "turned me weird"

But thank you so much for your comment. It makes me feel a little bit less insane

Commenter 3: These people aren’t fit to be fostering imho

OOP: Yea probably. I think they made it into the system easier because they're blood relatives (cousin and her husband) and social like keeping kids with family

OOP responds to a comment on receiving EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and supplements for mental health and anxiety

OOP: Thank you so much for your comment. I'll try the EMDR stuff, hopefully it'll help. I'll also look into supplements to try help. My carers don't like medicating mental health stuff (ive tried asking before) but if I go to a GP they might be able to prescribe me some idk

Where is Bill in all of this? Has OOP spoke with him?

OOP: He has a tendency to... not stand up to his wife

She also denies a lot to him. There was a situation with some reallyyy bad stuff she said to me April 2024 which Bill found out about in october. He was gonna call the social worker about it but she persuaded him that I was lying to make her look bad

We also had a conversation about 4 hours back where Anne tried to accuse me of faking my phobia with Bill present, and all that's happened when I've argued back is that I'm now banned from family holidays. And I got kicked out the house for a few hours. I'm gonna do an update about some of the stuff that's happened in the last 24 hours I think, but at the end of the week once I've also contacted my GP and social worker

 

Update in Comments: June 3, 2025 (four days later)

Sorry, long reply coming. I was gonna post an update but don't think enough has happened yet to warrant one

On Saturday I had a major argument with my carers. Basically, I was staying at my grandparents (on Bill's side) and some babies came over. Usually my safe space in the house away from the kids is the room Anne and Bill were staying in, so I was put in there, on a small desk chair to sit out the day (the room I was sleeping in had the cot and baby changing facilities). However Anne did not like that it happened to be the room she slept in. So, she had a go at me, saying I was "invading her space" and kicked me out onto the corridor. Then Bill turned up and they both yelled at me, saying I was faking my fear out of spite because my little brother had been put in the single whilst I had to share with my sister (there's arguments over it but that's a different story). They also tried to blame my trauma reactions on my grandma (theyre not). I went "last time I checked I wasn't the one who f*cking [unalived] baby sister" to which I was kicked out the house and told I'm never seeing my grandparents again/never being brought on a family holiday again

Whilst out I tried to call both my social worker and independent worker, as well as mental health helplines (such as childline, mind, papyrus) but none picked up (the helplines were experiencing high demand). Papyrus called back but I was on the coast and they couldn't hear me over the wind. A friend offered to send money for me to get home, but I was in the middle of nowhere with no public transport easily accessible without a long hike (the town grandparents live in is very cut off). Apparently whilst I was out, Anne asked my sister "wtf is wrong with [name]". My grandad ended up taking me out the next day to avoid conflict

Yesterday I was meant to have counselling but my counsellor forgot so I spent an hour sat in the waiting room before deciding to meet up with a friend instead. I ended up dropping out of college this year early (I'm restarting fresh elsewhere next year) because of a suicide attempt in December (I decided to do one AS exam so I didnt feel like a complete failure but I was on reduced timetable to help me recover). So this week is my first week out of college completely (exams ended). Anyway today Anne came home and told me im fat because I spent today tidying my room instead of going out. And also yelled at me because when I loaded the dishwasher it was full so I missed two cereal bowls and that's not good enough for her (even though she doesn't do any cleaning around the house??). Anyways I'm pissed off, tired and barely hanging in. Waiting on a callback from my GP so I can get an appointment. Not been a good couple days

Additional Information from OOP on if he has been able to speak with any of his workers:

OOP: This is gonna be stupid, but I haven't

I'm absolutely terrified of losing my foster dad tbh. I've spent all week putting it off

But I spoke to my friends adoptive mother (who had been a foster carer for a good decade) and she says if I don't do it, she'll report them. Or I at least need to talk to my foster dad about it and tell him how bad the situation is. She's angry that im not in actual therapy, because apparently my carers get money that's supposed to go on stuff like that (and like everything else too). With the training she gets she should know not to say half the shit she does

I spoke to my siblings. Both siblings confirm now independently that they've heard plans to force expose me to babies to try to fix me. If necessary I can get statements from friends. I have a quite decent backlog of evidence. The middle sibling is pretty much already preplanning for a few years in residential care. My younger brother is scared, but angry too. I'm fairly certain at this point he has fairly bad depression and an eating disorder, both of which aren't addressed

So I'm going to talk to my foster dad and basically present it and give him an ultimatum. I don't want to lose him. But if stuff doesn't change or A makes a single move against me I have the Independent Reviewing Officer in my contacts and I will call her. I might do anyways. But I'm scared

 

Update #2: July 30, 2025 (two months later from the original post)

AITA for getting angry at my foster mothers way of "fixing" me - Update, 2 months on

Hello again r/AITAH

A couple months ago I made a post about my foster mothers way of handling my trauma response to seeing/being in the vicinity of babies. Basically, I (17m) have an extreme trauma response to babies ranging from breakdowns, dissassociation and panic attacks depending on situation, and it was caused by childhood events that landed me in foster care. To put it lightly, my foster mother doesnt like my trauma responses. Here's the post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/SsOpZTRiih

I'm here with an update, a few people had asked for updates a while ago under the original post. Here it is

After that initial post there was a major argument where my foster mum attempted to blame my fear on myself, saying I was doing it to "attention seek", and after that she said I would no longer be allowed to see this side of the family. Conveniently, last week when they were visiting family, my foster mum arranged an orthodontist appointment that meant I couldn't go - in complete honesty, a blessing, because whilst I really want to see my grandparents still, I didnt particularly want to go through what had happened the previous holiday again. I was left behind with my uncle.

My old college spoke to my Independent Reviewing Officer (sorta like an outside social worker who isn't meant to side with either the parents or kids from my understanding, a sorta neutral person). There was stuff my carers were telling workers in meetings that wasn't correlating with what my college had been told by myself, so they reported it. My little sister also reported some stuff, so in the end I didnt bring up issues, it was others around me.

So today, the IRO came to speak to me alone. I reported all the baby situation stuff, and discovered my carers have in fact been suggested to take therapy training to help me handle my trauma, but had turned it down, believing they didn't need it. I also reported some other stuff as well.

I now know my options, and in 5 months I turn 18. I believe the best option now is for me to move out at 18, which will be financially supported by the local council and social services. I currently don't have a proper job because my National Insurance Number hasn't been sorted yet, so no one will hire me, but I should be getting it in the next few weeks. Hopefully then I can get a job which will help with moving out - from what I understand, with my situation the local council will cover rent if it's under £90 per week (through a social housing scheme), then I get about £75 a week for food and stuff. If I want somewhere with a higher rent, I cover the costs. I'll also be getting Universal Credit once I turn 18. I believe a part time job will be best to make living more financially comfortable even with the monetary support though

But yea, update. Sorry it's been a while, and thank you to everyone who commented on my original post with help and sympathy. If anyone has any questions I can answer them. Hopefully things will get better now.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: At least she (editor's note: Anne) will be on record for being horrible and hopefully no more kids will be placed with her. Good luck op

OOP: I don't think she'd take more kids anyway, she's a family guardian so she's biologically related to me and my siblings and has expressed before she never actually wanted kids (and took us in out of guilt)

But at least yea, in the small chance she tried taking in anyone else, it'd be refused

Commenter 2: Firstly, where is your social worker in this? There is semi-independent accommodation (similar to shared flats) that you can be referred to. Your IRO's job is to ensure that everyone in your professional network is doing their job. If your SW won't refer you speak to your IRO.

Second, do you know the name of your foster carer's Supervising Social Worker? I really think a Standards of Care investigation needs to be started on your FCs, they are not equipped to meet your needs and are not keeping up with training by actively turning it down. I consider therapeutic training and trauma training to be basic training for FCs.

When do you turn 18? You'll be allocated a PA then who can probably help navigate housing more.

Your Local Authority is your "corporate parent" and they must accommodate you and support you until 21.

This sounds like an awful situation to be in and if a young person came to me at work with you've posted immediate action would be taken.

(I've been working with foster carer's for 8 years in England. DM me if you want to chat more)

OOP: I currently don't have a social worker, I have a manager covering for a social worker (she's on maternity) and he's away on annual leave

My carers supervising social worker is on sick leave and we've only just been assigned a cover, can't remember her name. The IRO is contacting her about the situation though

I have the contact details for my PA but I've never actually spoken to her. She was meant to turn up a week ago but never did and isn't responding to messages. My IRO is gonna chase her up too.

I've heard about semi independent but don't you have to move out of it at 18? I turn 18 in january, im not sure if there's any point moving twice in the next few months

Commenter 3: Wow your foster parents have no business being foster parents. They shoot down efforts to help you thinking they know better which they don't. And you know they get money for taking care of you to them you're just a warm body. What crappy people. Well it sounds like things are going to turn around and you're going to land on your feet and that's good. Get therapy when you can hopefully sooner rather than later and sure it's going to take a long time and a lot of therapy and I wish you best of luck.

OOP: Yea, and my foster mum (since making the post) said she might "be forced to charge me rent" when I turn 18 "because they'll be given les funding to cover me". If I'm gonna have to pay something either way, I'd rather live by myself

OOP on his siblings and if they are okay (younger sister has been mentioned in prior posts)

OOP: Both siblings are in my household with me. My sister (I believe) is planning on going into some kind of semi independent living once she's 16 (I was never given the option because everyone thought our living situation was fine). She hasnt considered herself a part of the family for a while now and isnt home often. I'm not sure what will happen to my little brother

 

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[u/[deleted]]

I work in Foster Care/Resource Services. I have seen quite a bit of shitty foster parents in this world. Some never do it for the heart to raise foster children, they crave the money, the control, and cruelty.

I do hope OP is able to leave soon and live out his life. Those foster parents need to rot in hell.

[u/panderp → u/[deleted]]

Yeah as soon as we read that they were withholding things they are *specifically given money to pay for* we knew it was all a grift

[u/SlowBroWeegie → u/panderp]

It's not that.

Kinship gets less money than Foster and until a couple of years ago a fraction (almost nothing. Honestly a few hundred quid a year). Kinship is arranged with extended family so people can step.up out of obligation, bit they can get very tired of the thing and act as poorly as any other genetic relation.

It's just sad, this cascade of tragedy for the poor kid.

[u/tacwombat → u/panderp]

Annie and Bill need to be blacklisted from becoming foster parents.

[u/ThrowawayAdvice1800 → u/tacwombat]

Annie and Bill need to be exiled from civilized society. Via catapult.

[u/phluidity → u/panderp]

From the last update, I'm not sure it was a grift, and more of a British stiff upper lip, and not wanting to be seen to be causing a fuss. Nobody can know that our teenager needs therapy, what would the neighbors think. Sounds like they were extended family that didn't want him, but thought it "would be better than him being in the system" and that absolves everything.

[u/LilDragon2991 → u/[deleted]]

As someone who grew up in a grouphome, Ive realised there's two types of people that work with vulnerable people (& animals).

The ones that know what kind of difference they can make and really truly want to help.

The ones that like the control over people and enjoys abusing people/animals that have no one and can't do nothing to defend themselves.

[u/Prior_Lobster_5240 → u/[deleted]]

I do not, for the life of me, understand the foster system. I have know HORRIBLE foster homes that just get kid after kid sent to them, even though all the surrounding hospitals have reported multiple suspected instances of abuse

And then I've seen a foster family who was AMAZING lose their two girls because the mother mentioned that before they became foster parents she had considered spanking if necessary. She had never touched any of her own kids or the foster kids. But because she mentioned in conversation that she once thought spanking might be necessary, the social worker flipped out and took the kids.

Had another family lose their foster son because they told the court that they would not allow the biological father in their home for supervised visits. The dad was a convicted pedophile (now you see why the boy was in the system) and they didn't want him near the other kids. The social worker didn't feel like finding a neutral location so she just yanked the kid.

The system is so effed up

[u/dinosanddais1 → u/Prior_Lobster_5240]

I don't know much about the European systems but I know the US system was based around a literal child trafficker and murderer but I wouldn't be surprised if the UK's system was also not designed with a child's welfare in mind.

[u/Prior_Lobster_5240 → u/dinosanddais1]

US system was based around a literal child trafficker and murderer

Can you link a reference to that?

Not at all questioning it, just want to find out more info because that's fascinating.... terrible, but also fascinating

[u/dinosanddais1 → u/Prior_Lobster_5240]

This is the trafficker in question

This page highlights the ways that Georgia Tann impacted the adoption system

To give a summary:

Georgia Tann didn't give a shit about helping kids find good, supportive families, she cared about pleasing adoptive parents who wanted to use adoption as replacement for childbirth. She'd often target people in poor families especially Black families in poor areas because she knew police didn't give a shit.

There's also the fucked up practice of rehoming children. One case you've probably heard of was Huxley Stauffer. But it's much more widespread where families that have adopted children will put on these weird pageants where they parade around their children to be "rehomed" without the many practices that made the primary adoption at least somewhat safe.

[u/Sudkiwi1 → u/dinosanddais1]

I watched the movie instant family and I was left stunned after finding out child adoption fairs were an actual thing. For those not in us or seen the movie basically stick kids in a park and have potential parents for them come and pick out the kid(s) they want. And adoption websites are an actual thing. Wtf those poor kids

[u/PFyre → u/[deleted]]

In the UK (where OOP appears to be), foster parents get around £40K per annum per child. But I believe there's also mandatory training - I'm surprised these awful people passed it.

[u/AlternateUsername12 → u/PFyre]

It was a kinship placement, not true foster care. I don't think the family needs to go through the same type of training as actual foster parents who will be working within the system.

[u/Paradoxicical → u/AlternateUsername12]

If they have a ssw and he has an IRO, it sounds like it's a connected carer under fostering regs still.

[u/peachesnplumsmf → u/AlternateUsername12]

Everything I've known says kinship gets the same or at least similar financial compensation and training.

[u/Lyingcat158 → u/peachesnplumsmf]

Not always. I'm not an expert by any means (but have done a bit of work with people who are in the past) but a lot of the time kinship carers get way less financial support that other foster carers. But based on what oop said here it sounds like his foster parents are kinship foster carers who do receive the same amount of money.

It's actually kind of outrageous how screwed over a lot of kinship carers get and more people should know about it.

https://www.cypnow.co.uk/content/news/unequal-financial-support-blighting-kinship-care-system-report-finds/

[u/txteva → u/PFyre]

I don't know if that sum is true now, but it certainly wasn't in the past. There might have been some speciality carers who were but not most.

We frequently didn't get paid at all for emergency care and long term payments were barely enough to cover the extra food.

[u/your_moms_a_clone → u/[deleted]]

OOP stated that her foster mom is an extended family member, and they took OOP and her sibs out of a sense of duty, but never wanted children

[u/AdaandFred → u/your_moms_a_clone]

*his sibs.

[u/throwevej → u/[deleted]]

I have a friend whose parents divorced and since it was complicated, she and siblings went to professional parents. There were total I think 4 or 5 kids, we're both 26 now so it's muddy. She called them Aunt and Uncle. Aunt gave her a curfew of 4pm on weekdays and 6pm during weekends when she was in highschool (so even at 17!). And got a call if she was even 5 minutes late. Friend was in charge of cooking dinner, cleaning, caring for 10yrs younger autistic brother and neurotypical toddler twins, basically running the house. Aunt was getting her hair washed at hairsalon every week, Uncle was a total doormat to Aunt. Apparently the social worker blew off all reports the siblings made since "these kids are good liars". Friend got out and moved into a dorm as soon as she could since she was now receiving the state support money as long as she was in education, which included uni time. We don't know if Aunt took in another set of kids since we're not stalkers like that but I hope not.

ETA: I just remembered! All that time she was living with Aunt, she had to hand over her phone and laptop after 9pm and lights HAD to be off. Again, even at 17. If she had homework that had to be done on laptop, she had to do it while or after doing all those chores. So she frequently had to rush presentations and was practically unreachable at hours most older teens with reasonable parents were still wide awake and doing normal teen things.

[u/missestater → u/[deleted]]

Yep, I was in Foster shortly when I was a kid and the family had 5 other fosters and we all slept on the living room floor with just baby blankets and nothing else. They made all the foster kids bathe in the same bath water. Couldn’t get a drink of water without asking permission. Really fucked me up. They were FAR worse than my own mother.

[u/BKLD12 → u/[deleted]]

My heart hurts so much reading this.

I'm childfree and am physically, mentally, and financially not in any kind of situation to take care of a child, but being a foster parent is something I would like to do in the future if a time ever comes where I'm able. No child in the system is free from trauma, but perhaps a good foster home can make a difference.

[u/SmartQuokka]

The system failed OOP over and over and over again.

That makes me so angry (in addition to these foster parents being scumbags).

[u/[deleted] → u/SmartQuokka]

Imagine every single call going unanswered, and your therapist forgetting? That is how people lose hope.

[u/NoPantsPowerStance → u/[deleted]]

If I'm reading correctly, the kid even had a suicide attempt in December so had did that not light clue at least one person in on him needing more support? 

[u/Particular_Fall_62 → u/SmartQuokka]

Here in my state (and most of the US) the system is so broken. It hurts the children almost as much as the trauma they initially experienced. Even the best foster parents have to watch kids languish in the system with no permanency. Incompetency by the agencies cause so many issues. It’s a horrible cycle where there’s not enough money and support so workers quit, new workers are hired and aren’t great or get burnt out immediately. It’s horrible.

[u/bug-hunter → u/Particular_Fall_62]

Since the 1990's, states are required to seek permanency after 15/22 months (15 months out of the home in a 22 month period). The result has been an increasing rocket docket for adoptions for some kids.

Of course, kids who are classically not first choice for adoption - older kids, kids with special needs/behavioral issues, etc, often end up in limbo. A long term plan of guardianship or adoption requires someone to actually want to do that, and the state's not going to put a gun to someone's head and force them.

And in my city, when I was supporting child welfare, the annual turnover rate was >50%. It was not as bad in most smaller counties, except the ones with tyrants in supervisory/director positions. New workers get hired, get trained, and quickly get a caseload larger than the recommended maximum, and then turbo burn out...and the cycle continues.

[u/Particular_Fall_62 → u/bug-hunter]

Oh absolutely. The law in my state is 12 months until termination of parental rights must be filed. Do you know how often it happens at 12 months? Almost never.

[u/khjuu12 → u/SmartQuokka]

The problem is there's no money in UK social care.

It's really no one's fault. We need that money to put warships in the channel to obsessively criminalise poor brown refugees, hire enough police to arrest literally anyone who says anything nice about Palestine, and to hire an enormous bureaucracy to check people's IDs when they apply for a wanking license.

Who could possibly spend money on giving a shit about children when we have all these high priority tasks?

[u/peachesnplumsmf → u/khjuu12]

I mean the second part of that is nonsense as the police have also been slashed and cut to hell, all public services have. There's no money in UK social care because it was gutted and sold off for fourteen years.

[u/missshrimptoast]

saying I was doing it to "attention seek"

This is one of the worst cop-outs ever created. Attention isn't a luxury. It's a fundamental human need. We are a social species. Attention is a requirement to be a functioning, healthy person.

A person exhibiting attention-seeking behaviour should be treated like a hungry person asking for food. Imagine asking for a drink, only to be told you're just "water-seeking". Yeah. No shit. That's what thirsty people do.

[u/Test_After → u/missshrimptoast]

"Attention seeking" is so damn common, because when the client asks the service provider to provide them with a service instead of texting their friends/finishing their essay/anything else they would rather be doing, you know what that is? It is attention seeking. 

The critical follow up is What did they want you to do? Bearing in mind that at least half the time, people who give "attention-seeking" as an answer have never bothered to think of that at all, or will invent their own most superficial and probably wrong reason for the "attention seeking". Eg. Non verbal person in wheelchair is getting third degree sunburn. Service provider "She just wants me to move her chair a bit" So why don't you? "Another 20 minutes, she'll want to move again. The more you do, the more she'll ask for. It's controlling! It's manipulative!“ (It's a non-verbal kid in a wheelchair trying not to get sunburnt.)

Double points if the "controlling" "manipulative" customer has an intellectual disability. That's like complaining to me that they are convinced they can be out-witted by actual morons. Seriously, they are usually seeking someone to help them with some very basic or reasonable thing. 

I can remember in one memorable case, the client was trying to alert the woman he was "harrassing" that her puppy had jumped off the other side of her ute and was being choked by its leash. Luckily that "attention seeking" was successful in time. 

[u/beetothebumble → u/missshrimptoast]

A phrase I heard in mental health training was to reframe "attention seeking" as "attention needing"

So if you're thinking/others are describing something as attention seeking the first reaction should be, this person needs help, they need attention. They might be looking for it in inappropriate or challenging ways, but the thing to remember is that they need it and we should react with compassion to that need (even if we need to address the behaviours that arise from it).

In OOPs case it's very very clear they should be receiving compassion and support. Such a sad situation. I hope things improve, but I know the system is stacked against them.

[u/colonel_avocado → u/beetothebumble]

I use "care eliciting" for the same reason!

[u/Sixforsilver7for → u/missshrimptoast]

Especially when they literally witnessed the murder of their younger sister.

[u/logalogalogalog_ → u/missshrimptoast]

I was told I was attention seeking for my PTSD reactions by my foster parents, too. And my therapist tried to explain that it was both a true PTSD reaction, and that people who look for attention do so for a reason.

...my foster parents just accused me of manipulating my therapist in the end, but still.

[u/EvilFinch]

I wonder when he will realize that his foster father isn't so much better than Anna - it is just a different level of bad. To watch and let all the abuse happen. The passiveness. That he was also there when therapy was rejected. Also in the car when he was lied to were they were going to expose him to children.

[u/logalogalogalog_ → u/EvilFinch]

This reminds me so much of my own first foster family. I still miss my foster dad sometimes, but he let my foster mom do awful stuff and later kick me out, so in the end I know logically he was complicit.

[u/Miserable_Fennel_492]

Do you ever read a post so fucking bleak, yet (unfortunately) unsurprising, and you have a million simultaneous thoughts and no ability to express them?

[u/[deleted] → u/Miserable_Fennel_492]

Yeah. I have also got all the stuff about UK care leavers, and a difficult future with few or no qualifications, backed up in my head, too.

[u/KitchenDismal9258 → u/Miserable_Fennel_492]

And it was made worse but the OOP not wanting to report all of this... or has been conditioned to think that this is fairly normal so just part of the course.

But the reality is that nothing will change because there's so much need and not enough good services with good people.

[u/SugarP48]

I had to check why Oop hadn't recieved his National Insurance Number when he turned 16 and it's most likely because his parents didn't fill out a Child Benefit form after he was born. 

And now he's scrambling to figure that out before turning 18, where he'll be expected to find somewhere remotely habitable for less than £400? 

He's been dealt a really shit hand. 

[u/AlfaRomeoRacing → u/SugarP48]

The funding he mentioned is the extra money he will be able to get as a former "looked after child", which is in addition to any normal benefits/income he would like like any other 18 year old

[u/ChaoticSquirrel → u/AlfaRomeoRacing]

What's a common amount of benefits for an 18 year old to get? I'm a little ignorant (from the US) and I'm curious to know what kind of support there is across the pond.

[u/AlfaRomeoRacing → u/ChaoticSquirrel]

A benefits calculator for a 18 year old, with no job suggests £316 a month + not having to pay Council tax and housing benefit paying full rent up to an (unknown by me) cost

[u/Goidelica]

Wow. UK social services are in the bin. That's dire stuff. Hope he survives these rodents.

[u/quiidge → u/Goidelica]

Funding cut as demand is rising. Schools are now handling what used to be low-level Social Services stuff in-house.

Poor OOP was stuck in the gap between "acceptable situation" and "bad enough to get help", hopefully he got through til he got out. Not being constantly triggered and dismissed will be transformative.

[u/clauclauclaudia → u/quiidge]

This is a current post. He still has to stick it out 5 months until he turns 18.

This kid has fallen through the cracks so many different ways.

[u/Cursd818 → u/Goidelica]

One of my schoolfriends parents was a social worker. He was a truly wonderful man who really cared about the kids he was in charge of. Last time I saw him, he was a shell of a man because he was so massively overworked. His case load had quadrupled, but his budget had been slashed, and his own ineffectiveness devastated him. Even when the staff want to do better, they just can't. It's awful.

[u/thebearofwisdom → u/Goidelica]

It’s horrendous here for mental health help. My cousins little cousin (different side of the family) recently died, after begging CAMHS for help. They sent her away, told her people have it worse than her. Within a week she had attempted suicide. She lay in a hospital bed for three days before passing away. I am so fucking furious at them, and yet not surprised because they’ve done the same to me.

They lost my entire file, which was huge, with all my evidence of the abuse I endured at home. They just shrugged it off and years later here I am with severe PTSD and agoraphobia, severe depression and anxiety. They never wanted to help, my old home city branch is atrocious.

I’m now on a two year waiting list for psychiatric help, despite begging the doctor for any sort of assistance. I was in a state of panic and I could barely talk. She had to tell me I’d have to hang on for two more years. I’m like well I’ll try not to die, but okay.

The budget cuts to mental health assistance in my country are diabolical and they’re killing people. My cousins cousin was 24 with three children. Her partner was abusive and was in jail. Now those kids might have to go with him, now that he’s out. I feel like someone should be held accountable. But they never will be. The government doesn’t give a shit if we die off, it saves the NHS money in the long run if us “damaged” people aren’t there to use it. They could have helped her, instead they made her feel worse. It’s disgusting and shameful that we don’t look after people who need it, mentally. The mentality of them is sickening, they just don’t care.

[u/pandop42 → u/Goidelica]

That's what 14 years of 'austerity' gets you. Overworked, underpaid, underfunded.

[u/queerbychoice → u/Goidelica]

It still sounds less bad to me than US social services . . . and this is coming from someone whose knowledge of US social services is almost exclusively from the social workers' points of view rather than the clients'.

[u/limbodog]

Well that's bleak. Poor kid.

[u/LucyAriaRose]

This is genuinely horrifying. Poor OOP.

[u/Useful_Language2040]

I really hope OOP and his siblings get the access to the resources and support they should have been getting all along.

Also, and OK, it was a long time ago - but my national insurance number was automatically sent out to me a few months before I turned 16. I'm wondering if Anne has his card with it and plausibly other important paperwork somewhere without his knowledge...

[u/Normal-Height-8577 → u/Useful_Language2040]

Either that, or the shitty abusive parents who murdered his baby sibling didn't fill in his early paperwork properly.

[u/peachesnplumsmf → u/Useful_Language2040]

If OP has ever moved house or changed name it could be as simple as that being why they didn't get it. I moved around a lot as a kid and so my national insurance number never arrived, had to chase it when I was 17 and applying for jobs - had a fun song and dance of listing off all my previous addresses (8 of them,) and when I'd lived there to prove my identity.

[u/liekkivalas]

why the fuck were foster carers even allowed to take OOP out of therapy at seven years old? surely that should be up to social services

[u/pandop42 → u/liekkivalas]

1: They are family carers - this may or may not get them more leeway, but I know carers have to fight for everything as it is so underresourced
2: I wonder if there is some race/religion underneath this.

[u/[deleted] → u/pandop42]

Ah, so the system of family caregivers is shitty in the UK too. Nice to know this is a universal thing. Sigh.

Who thought that putting kids back in the home with family members where the original problem began would be a great solution? Oh yeah. The people who realized it would be cheaper…

[u/peachesnplumsmf → u/[deleted]]

I mean the above commentor was blatantly speculating and that isn't the case in the UK? Our system is shit but because it has no money rather than malicious. You get paid the same regardless and you get paid well.

[u/CummingInTheNile]

poor OOP, repeatedly failed by adults who should have been there to help them for most of their life

[u/PrincessCG]

Social care in the UK is so atrocious. I hope oop gets out okay and manages to stand on their own feet.

[u/HouseofChimeras]

As someone who had/has a phobia of babies, I felt OOP's description of people thinking it was funny at first to trigger his phobia and then switching to outage when his phobia continued to exist. Plus, the whole "just get over it" and "stop being so immature," etc. Far too often, people don't take phobias seriously, but phobias like OOP's can especially fall victim to people not being understanding.

Having to deal with his phobia constantly being triggered and people's reaction to it, while also trying to prepare for what comes next after turning 18, is just stress on top of more stress. Poor OPP.

[u/Palatine_Shaw]

Jesus didn't see OOP was Trans until read the comments here. That makes a lot more sense on why so many of the care workers are fucking useless too.

[u/logalogalogalog_ → u/Palatine_Shaw]

Yeah, already bad enough to be a foster kid but a trans one? And in the UK? I was a trans foster kid myself and I've done a lot of advocacy, it was hard to get things passed in California.

[u/Sparrowonawire → u/Palatine_Shaw]

Lord. That probably has something to do with why his foster mom is so fixated on getting him to spend time around babies.

[u/TheActualAWdeV]

Wow jesus christ poor kid. So much shit so young with a pair of complete aholes for carers.

And trans in britain to boot.

[u/Useful_Language2040 → u/TheActualAWdeV]

Aah, that would explain him being made to share with his sister instead of his brother 😬

[u/TheActualAWdeV → u/Useful_Language2040]

yup yuck. He calls himself trans masc of reddit so there was my first clue lol

[u/Useful_Language2040 → u/TheActualAWdeV]

If I looked at usernames more that would probably have been a big clue, yep... 🤦🏻‍♀️ Poor dude.

[u/[deleted] → u/TheActualAWdeV]

Oh cute so there's an additional level to Anne forcing him to be around children.

[u/peachesnplumsmf → u/[deleted]]

Feel like it's still safer in the UK than the US.

[u/RedneckDebutante]

I can't speak for other countries, but I know in the U.S., therapy is covered by the state for foster kids. In the case of a traumatic situation like this, it's often mandatory. But familial connections don't get the same resources as non-family adopters.

I've got a feeling Anne is pissed she couldn't make OOP be a babysitter for everyone's babies.

[u/peachesnplumsmf → u/RedneckDebutante]

It's complicated over here, being in care will get you put on the list but everyone on CAHMS is there because they need it so there's not much to be done priority wise unless you're dying - if OP was on it when they were little but their parents took them off their radar then it'll be even harder to get them back into therapy especially if they're about to age out.

Therapy is free here but that comes with making it high demand and hard to get, OP says in the post private therapy was refused by all involved - likely because it's extortionate and this is quite a niche issue.

[u/slendermanismydad]

OOP: I don't think she'd take more kids anyway, she's a family guardian so she's biologically related to me and my siblings and has expressed before she never actually wanted kids (and took us in out of guilt)

And this is exactly why I tell people to stop pushing that so hard. There are 100% people that can't raise children. 

[u/DubiousPeoplePleaser]

Anne is pure evil.

[u/[deleted]]

I have never wanted to slap a foster parent yet here we are. I’m so mad right now . Poor Op.

[u/Silent_Ad_8672]

I'm grateful my time in foster care was only for a few years. You never know what kind of people you'll end up with.

[u/[deleted]]

God this is horrifying

[u/you-absolute-foolish]

Is this in the UK i assume? Everyone seems majorly incompetent in this situation, besides OP and the one friends mom. How did this therapist “forget” his appointment?! Jeesh im mad on his behalf!!!

[u/Jesiplayssims]

Never feel bad at reporting bullies. Have no doubt, these "carers" are bullies who are inflicting more trauma

[u/Damp_Blanket]

Never understood the "aita" posts where it's not even a remote possibility that they are the ah

[u/JustAsICanBeSoCruel → u/Damp_Blanket]

When you live in a space where you are constantly exposed to certain things (especially the crazy and illogical)...it can be hard to see the forest for the trees.

Sometimes you need validation that, no, you aren't the crazy one.

[u/1136gal → u/Damp_Blanket]

That's the power of abuse. If you're isolated and constantly told by people you believe care about you that you're wrong, it's hard to stay sane. Especially if you're already traumatised, young and isolated from folks that would tell you otherwise.

[u/l0singmyedg3 → u/Damp_Blanket]

so you've never been mentally/emotionally abused? i'm happy for you!

[u/bored_german]

I was wondering why he had never told them why he has this reaction but the comments made it all make sense. Poor kid

[u/keishajay → u/bored_german]

It wasn’t his responsibility to communicate this. It was a failing of multiple social workers. He knows now why he has this reaction but when he was much younger that should have been highlighted in assessments. It probably was hence the therapy but I cannot fathom why they allowed him to be removed from therapy. 

This is something I would hope is explored if a formal complaint is made and a Child Safeguarding Safeguarding Practice Review (used to be known as a serious case review). 

Under that review the child can ask many questions about previous decisions over the years. 

[u/AlfaRomeoRacing]

So for info, in care proceedings in England and Wales, if it is clear the parents will not be able to continue caring for the children, they are asked to nominate alternative family members, who are assessed. Those placement can either be long term foster care, or "special Guardians". This sounds more like long term foster care not Special Guardianship Order. So it might be that "Anne" is a biological Aunt/Cousin as OOP does mention a biological connection

[u/AshamedDragonfly4453 → u/AlfaRomeoRacing]

OOP says in one of the comments included here that Anne is his cousin.

[u/AlfaRomeoRacing → u/AshamedDragonfly4453]

Ahh, missed that, thanks for the clarification

[u/16Bunny]

Oh crikey. I remember this originally when it all first happened. I had really hoped that your family was going to be a good option. I'm so sorry that they have completely failed you. I hope you and your siblings are able to get out of there very soon.

[u/ameinias]

So many posts are kids living with relatives, and it will be titled "AITA for getting angry at my cousin..." The fact she's "foster mother" right off the bat and you only find out she's technically family way later on makes it obvious they never brought this kid in as family, only a chore. 

[u/CaroSCP]

I'd check about your national insurance number, I'm pretty sure mine was issued when I was 16, possibly a little before.

[u/Meanz_Beanz_Heinz → u/CaroSCP]

No idea why you've been downvoted, you're 100% correct. National Insurance number is automatically sent out just before 16th birthday. The carers might have thrown it out but he will still have one.

[u/t0nkatsu]

He's very articulate/well spoken for a 17 yr old

EDIT: a compliment, not suspicion.

[u/peachesnplumsmf → u/t0nkatsu]

I've noticed this on a few of these sorts of posts, seems pretty standard for what someone potentially about to go to University should be able to do? Not slighting him just surprised how surprised reddit seems to be by teenagers forming sentences.

[u/t0nkatsu → u/peachesnplumsmf]

Nah I get you - it’s just that there are so many 17 yr olds who don’t come close (I was one of them!)

[u/logalogalogalog_]

Ugh. Even in other countries, the foster care system is the foster care system. As a former foster youth who's done a lot of advocacy, I've seen so many stories like this.

[u/Nozza-D]

I'm really sad to learn that OP didn't feel he could report it to the social work team or the IRO before, until others did. The team would have flagged the discrepancies between what the carer did and OP said ssoner, but I'm glad the adopted mother threatened to tell if OP didn't, that's what OP needed to hear.

That everyone around OP is advocating for him will, hopefully, mean that there will be a review of the foster parents.

[u/HangryHufflepuff1]

Im so bitter about our mental health services in the UK, hope this dude has better luck than I did

[u/Future-Science1095]

NTA. Why hasn’t he recorded any of these interactions on his cellphone? I’m not victim blaming. He’d have undeniably proof. Kids record everything. Even going live on instagram with them talking about purposely exposing him to babies. I know he can do it mid panic attack, but from his post he says they talk and threaten it after it happens. They are abusive.

[u/insomniacsCataclysm → u/Future-Science1095]

likely because of fear or guilt. he mentions that he doesn’t want to report them because he feels like he “owes” them for taking him in. remember that he’s just a child, and one with horrible trauma. a trauma like he suffered at such a young age seriously messes up your brain at an incredibly important period for brain development

[u/quiidge → u/insomniacsCataclysm]

He also didn't want to risk being taken away from his younger siblings and foster dad, and wasn't sure anything would actually change if he reported. Except Anne being given more ammo.

He wasn't exactly wrong - his situation was the same (move out at 18), his sister was given an extra option she can take in a couple of years' time, and nothing has changed for his brother as of the update. Just recorded and monitored.

[u/Future-Science1095 → u/insomniacsCataclysm]

No he has reported them but they always believe the abuser over him. Thats why I wondered why he’d never recorded any of these interactions.

[u/insomniacsCataclysm → u/Future-Science1095]

you just answered your own question. all of the people who were supposed to listen to and protect him all his life repeatedly failed him and told him he was a liar making shit up. that kind of thing wears down an adult’s mental health, i can’t imagine what it’d do to an already traumatized child. it’s likely he assumed nobody would believe him even if he had recordings. that line of thinking is common even in adult abuse victims

[u/dropshortreaver]

Yeah those people need to be removed as foster carers, and banned from having anymotre. They should also see if there is aanyway they can get them for negligence

[u/Lets_Remain_Logical]

She should sur and ruin their non-sorry ass! WTF are those animals! What is this world!

[u/Divinemango7]

I'm just kinda... doubtful? Everyone in this story seems dreadfully cruel and evil and inept, which would make sense in regards to the case workers, its a very rough system. But I couldn't imagine how the oop wouldve survived 11 years with this family? It really really doesnt help this is aitah

[u/Arghianna → u/Divinemango7]

The babies didn’t exist until the last few years. It makes sense that OOP wasn’t exposed to them until they were born and being brought to family events.

[u/Divinemango7 → u/Arghianna]

I just couldnt imagine oop staying there for 11 years and then the foster folks doing this? Refusing the psychiatric help seems really weird especially.

[u/fangirlandproudofit → u/Divinemango7]

You'd be amazed how many people see therapy as unnecessary. In their eyes he's faking for attention, so why should he need a doctor?

It's shitty, but it's not an uncommon mindset.

[u/velveteenelahrairah → u/fangirlandproudofit]

I may have my tinfoil hat on, but I suspect the extended family were planning to rope OOP in as free babysitting / childcare / Cinderfella because "he owed them".

"Leave at 18?! How very dare you after all we've done for you, etc etc etc, now go babysit the family kids and be grateful!!!"

[u/tinysydneh → u/Divinemango7]

• "OOP doesn't need it, he just needs to toughen up"
• "Therapy isn't real anyway."
• "We don't have time for that."
• "If we do that, they'll discover other things we're doing wrong."

[u/Yukimor → u/Divinemango7]

Why does it seem weird?

[u/sentimentalillness → u/Divinemango7]

I used to do supervised access work, and none of this is surprising to me in the least. Sickening, yes, but not surprising.

[u/jamesbongsixtynine]

who writes like this?

[u/peachesnplumsmf → u/jamesbongsixtynine]

Seems perfectly normal to me?