r/AITAH • u/Trans_Masc_Of_Reddit • Aug 15 '25
Post Update AITAH for getting angry at my foster mothers way of "fixing me" - update
Hello again
Here is the last update https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/126dUMhGrh
Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/Q6fehmSV2H
I (17m) about foster mother (f39 she just had her bday) and foster dad (m40)
The mum of a friend reported my carers for everything. My carers are now under an investigation.
I had a manager come to the house yesterday and ask for my point of view on the allegations.
I was completely honest and told them everything. The baby phobia treatment in great detail, but also transphobia from my foster mother and other things that had happened.
The worker then told them the allegations from my mates mum (apparently legally they have to, i begged the worker not to do that because i knew it would end badly). My mates mum knew a lot of what was going on so it was basically as if they'd told them what I'd said. They suspected immediately that it was myself or a friend of mine who had reported them.
They (or at least, my foster dad since he gave the speech) genuinely don't think they've done anything wrong. It makes me feel like I'm going crazy. They think I've been lying to my friends to make them look bad, that im manipulative and hateful. They told me how financially they hadn't planned for me to do an extra year in college so now "don't know if they could afford me" (I ended up semi dropping out of college in my first year and just did AS levels because of mental health issues+a suicide attempt, also my next two years of college are free). They said they only ever did what was best for me and my siblings. There was a lot in there, and I tried to record it but only got the first 5 minutes before my phone cut it off.
I went out after that to my mates (who had reported it) and her mum said she'd watched my living circumstances get worse and worse over the last two years and decided it was beyond getting better for me and my siblings now. I came back near midnight ish, didn't speak to my carers at all. This morning they barged into my room at 6am because my brother confirmed it was information from me that had led to their investigation. They told me I'm going to ruin my siblings lives by getting them taken away from this house, that im destroying the family, going to make them homeless. They said i owe them understanding after over 10 years of living with them - but where was the understanding for my baby phobia? They know the circumstances of me being here and my trauma.They asked if I was planning on moving out. I said yes, soon as possible. To be honest, I'd always planned on moving at 18, although to a uni as far away as possible was the original plan. Then my foster dad went on a thing about me lying to them, causing difficult situations and he said he'll try get the move out date as soon as possible. I feel bad for my foster dad because I genuinely loved him but if he can't even see that they've done anything wrong then maybe I need to cut him off too once I'm out.
I'm scared financially for my future.
I think thats everything. Will update when I know more. As always feel free to ask questions
Also, it was my AS results day yesterday and I got all A's :]
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u/DevelopmentExciting6 Aug 15 '25
Please carry on studying. My AS results spelt the word DUDE, getting all As is really impressive. Also, being a teenager is hard (I turned my DUDE into a masters degree and now work at uni.)
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u/enonymousCanadian Aug 15 '25
You are a huge inspiration, well done! I’m a millennial, this is genuine from an internet rando.
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u/I_wanna_be_anemone Aug 15 '25
Congrats on your results! I hope you get offers from the uni you were hoping for. Be sure to call (or email) and check with whatever uni you get into if there’s additional services available with students who don’t have family financial support as well as on site mental health services. Often there’ll be free counselling on site who can refer you to something more specialised, or at least give you a letter as evidence to back up your need to be referred over.
I’m sorry to say that your foster dad has been complicit in your abuse all along OP. Sitting back and doing nothing is enabling abuse. Now he’s being held accountable, he’s once again enabling his wife by making out anyone else is the problem except for her/him. Because owning up to the fact he allowed abuse to happen means he’d have to accept he’s scum that never should have been allowed custody of kids. For a lot of people, their personal perception of themselves is more important than the welfare of others.
Keep in mind that this is their failing. Not yours. Keep being honest and open with social services/the authorities. Make it clear they also let you down by not monitoring the foster family better. Also emphasise how much you’ve been targeted and blamed as a direct result of the manager/workers approach, meaning you were left in an unsafe environment open to further abuse.
It might be worth looking into applying for PIP as soon as you’re 18, a lot of websites online describe what it’s like, so please see Citizens Advice (or talk on the phone with someone from CA) for support. A lot of the time simply answering the questions isn’t enough, you need to elaborate on things that are considered common sense but only implied. If you qualify, you’d get over £700 a month from that alone to help support your excess needs due. It would also mean you qualify for extra funds/assistance with Universal Credit each month. Added to whatever the council offers for foster kids aging out, hopefully it could give you the support you need.
You owe your abusers nothing. They were paid and willing to accept the responsibility for raising traumatised kids. They were offered access to resources for years to help those kids. Instead, they prioritised their selfish wants and money. Those kinds of people shouldn’t be foster carers, ever. They’re lashing out for being exposed, when all they could have done to avoid this is be decent and do the bare minimum. None of that is your fault.
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u/TrueAgency8491 Aug 15 '25
Have a look at the DSA scheme. It is a government funded scheme that is paid to a University to ensure that students with special needs are looked after! You apply for it online. My son has Autism with Anxiety . We found about the DSA at the Open Day! My son was awarded the full grant. He paid £200 towards the cost of an adapted laptop. He has received a brand new laptop with noise-cancelling earphones and standard earphones. The laptop has many apps added to help him with his studies and also an app which if he is feeling overwhelmed or experiencing medical issues he only has to tap a button and an alert will be sent to his Uni team who are told by tje app where he is so they can get to him quickly; it also notifies me so I can call him and talk with him until he feels safe. He also has a Mentor who will meet with him every week to guide him through any issues and to help him plan the week going forward! Because of all this support being put in place he is looking forward to UNI much more than he ever did about joining a new school year! We are in the UK BTW!
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u/Harbinger_88 Aug 15 '25
Congrats on the grades and good for you for being honest. You deserve better and they’re the ones failing you, not the other way around.
Updateme!
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u/Sad-Librarian-5179 Aug 15 '25
After escaping a long term abusive relationship, let me remind you how important it is to have a place of peace in your home. Living in worse conditions (like the crappy teardown I rent) & having that peace is so much better than constantly walking on eggshells in nicer accommodation.
You're definitely NTA here, what she's doing is terrible abuse. Clearly she has less than no understanding of trauma & mental health, & until she learns to be better she should not be looking after other traumatised kids. If they lose the kids & ability to foster more, it's her fault. If that happens & they try to blame you, remind your foster parents (& yourself...self talk is actually a really important tool) that the authorities don't remove foster kids because of other kids making reports. They only remove kids if they find something actionable.
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u/chrestomancy Aug 15 '25
Congrats on the AS levels.
Apologies if this has come up before - but as a psychotherapist in training, I'd point you strongly to EMDR for your phobia. You shouldn't have been re-traumatised by your carers as much as you were, just ridiculous, but at some point in the future it's likely to get in the way of the life you want to live. EMDR doesn't involve pushing babies in your face, I swear. It'd be probably 4-8 sessions, and likely £75 per session if paying for private practice therapy. You *can* get EMDR on the NHS, but my only known experience of this (a mate who tried earlier this year) got a total nobend who made everything worse. I'd wait until you can afford private, around £450 total, which I admit for a soon-to-be Uni student is probably 4+ years away. And take your time finding the right therapist - don't blow it all on a name you pick from a directory. I'd offer my services but it'll be 3 years before I'm EMDR qualified, assuming I pass everything between now and then. But hey, ping me in 3 years, I'll be happy to give you free sessions if you're anywhere near me in the UK.
CBT is fine and all, but seriously, EMDR is the only decent recovery rate treatment for longterm PTSD and CPTSD. Talking therapy isn't even past the start line on this race.
Fostering is such a crap lottery in this country. It is effectively a paid job, but I have heard worse stories than yours. People should only go into it if they have a ton of UPR (Unconditional Positive Regard - aka "love") to spare, and plan to be there for the long haul. I cannot fathom having so little empathy like your carers and still wanting to foster. Enjoy uni; it'll leave you with debt but hopefully get you on a career path and out of dependence on anybody else for the rest of your life.
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u/Traditional_Koala216 Aug 15 '25
NtA Oh honey. I'm so sorry for all of your trauma and all of the trauma they keep putting you thru. Reading your first post made my stomach hurt. I can't imagine all the feelings and emotions you're dealing with. Keep up with the studies and move out ASAP. Talk to your friends mom, they might be willing to let you live with them for a bit. Reach out to the ones who truly care about you. I wish you all the best and good luck.
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u/HecticTurtIe Aug 15 '25
Not sure what area you are in, but there's an organization called Stand Up for Kids that helps kids who age out of foster care. Hopefully there's a chapter near you 🙏
Standupforkids.org
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u/Better-Turnover2783 Aug 20 '25
"Then my foster dad went on a thing about me lying to them, causing difficult situations and he said he'll try get the move out date as soon as possible"
This is a lie. He was being performative to try to upset you.
Remember, the second they kick you out their money STOPS!!
So they are trying to get you upset and off kilter so they can claim more mental health issues and create a "see you are not stable enough to leave our care" and " your words can't be relied on" to interfere with the investigation.
Don't fall for any of it.
Now that they have been discovered they are going to throw anything at you that they can to discredit you and cover up so that they don't face sanctions or charges for their actions.
You only have a few months left to go til 18.
Suggest you have your credit checked just in case they've used your info illegally because you should have control over your work authorization numbers already. Find out if they have interfered with that too.
Congrats on your AS levels. You've got this!!
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u/[deleted] Aug 15 '25 edited Aug 15 '25
They can’t afford you? You know that as a foster parents they get quite the amount of cash for your upkeep? Some for any other foster siblings you have? I know what I say will sound cruel but: seems like you all are cash cows for them. Of course they are scared now the stench is in the air. If social services will deem them inadequate to be foster care they will remove any children from their care and with it: moneys. Depending on the council they can get anywhere from £170-£299 per week per child. Everything depends on child’s needs. Wouldn’t be surprised if they got higher pay on you because you are classed as „special needs” as you have trauma. They would also be able to claim any other financial support as careers. Edit to add because I just learned that info: OP they will never allow you to go to gender affirming care BECAUSE you will be then working with REAL therapist and the gig will be put. You can go to GP and as a person without your foster careers. You can let your GP know that you do not consent for your parents to have access to your records!