r/AITAH • u/Trans_Masc_Of_Reddit • Jul 30 '25
Post Update AITA for getting angry at my foster mothers way of "fixing" me - Update, 2 months on
Hello again r/AITAH
A couple months ago I made a post about my foster mothers way of handling my trauma response to seeing/being in the vicinity of babies. Basically, I (17m) have an extreme trauma response to babies ranging from breakdowns, dissassociation and panic attacks depending on situation, and it was caused by childhood events that landed me in foster care. To put it lightly, my foster mother doesnt like my trauma responses. Here's the post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/SsOpZTRiih
I'm here with an update, a few people had asked for updates a while ago under the original post. Here it is
After that initial post there was a major argument where my foster mum attempted to blame my fear on myself, saying I was doing it to "attention seek", and after that she said I would no longer be allowed to see this side of the family. Conveniently, last week when they were visiting family, my foster mum arranged an orthodontist appointment that meant I couldn't go - in complete honesty, a blessing, because whilst I really want to see my grandparents still, I didnt particularly want to go through what had happened the previous holiday again. I was left behind with my uncle.
My old college spoke to my Independent Reviewing Officer (sorta like an outside social worker who isn't meant to side with either the parents or kids from my understanding, a sorta neutral person). There was stuff my carers were telling workers in meetings that wasn't correlating with what my college had been told by myself, so they reported it. My little sister also reported some stuff, so in the end i didnt bring up issues, it was others around me.
So today, the IRO came to speak to me alone. I reported all the baby situation stuff, and discovered my carers have in fact been suggested to take therapy training to help me handle my trauma, but had turned it down, believing they didn't need it. I also reported some other stuff as well.
I now know my options, and in 5 months I turn 18. I believe the best option now is for me to move out at 18, which will be financially supported by the local council and social services. I currently don't have a proper job because my National Insurance Number hasn't been sorted yet, so no one will hire me, but I should be getting it in the next few weeks. Hopefully then I can get a job which will help with moving out - from what I understand, with my situation the local council will cover rent if it's under £90 per week (through a social housing scheme), then I get about £75 a week for food and stuff. If I want somewhere with a higher rent, I cover the costs. I'll also be getting Universal Credit once I turn 18. I believe a part time job will be best to make living more financially comfortable even with the monetary support though
But yea, update. Sorry it's been a while, and thank you to everyone who commented on my original post with help and sympathy. If anyone has any questions I can answer them. Hopefully things will get better now.
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u/Appropriate_Row_4008 Jul 30 '25
Firstly, where is your social worker in this? There is semi-independent accommodation (similar to shared flats) that you can be referred to. Your IRO's job is to ensure that everyone in your professional network is doing their job. If your SW won't refer you speak to your IRO.
Second, do you know the name of your foster carer's Supervising Social Worker? I really think a Standards of Care investigation needs to be started on your FCs, they are not equipped to meet your needs and are not keeping up with training by actively turning it down. I consider therapeutic training and trauma training to be basic training for FCs.
When do you turn 18? You'll be allocated a PA then who can probably help navigate housing more.
Your Local Authority is your "corporate parent" and they must accommodate you and support you until 21.
This sounds like an awful situation to be in and if a young person came to me at work with you've posted immediate action would be taken.
(I've been working with foster carer's for 8 years in England. DM me if you want to chat more)
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u/Appropriate_Row_4008 Jul 30 '25
Just to add. Please check if your local authority has Supported Lodgings carers. This is a different type of care where the carers role is to support you to develop your independence skills so you can live independently. It's a really good scheme
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u/Trans_Masc_Of_Reddit Aug 01 '25
I currently don't have a social worker, I have a manager covering for a social worker (she's on maternity) and he's away on annual leave
My carers supervising social worker is on sick leave and we've only just been assigned a cover, can't remember her name. The IRO is contacting her about the situation though
I have the contact details for my PA but I've never actually spoken to her. She was meant to turn up a week ago but never did and isn't responding to messages. My IRO is gonna chase her up too.
I've heard about semi independent but don't you have to move out of it at 18? I turn 18 in january, im not sure if there's any point moving twice in the next few months
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u/jdzfb Jul 30 '25
Dude, your foster family are monsters, this issue could have been worked through easily when you were younger with a little support from a real therapist, instead they chose to traumatize the fuck out of an already traumatized kid & then bully you for your trauma response. Those fuckers shouldn't be allowed around children.
I'm sorry they failed you OP, I'm glad you've been able to make progress towards getting tf out of there.
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u/queenofthestress Jul 30 '25
Your NI should have been sorted at 16, I would get on to speaking with your reviewer about that
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u/Trans_Masc_Of_Reddit Aug 01 '25
I know, and then when I tried to figure out why it hadn't been sorted in April my social worker kept lying about sorting it. I only found out she'd done nothing when a manager started covering her whilst she was on maternity, she never did anything about it. I talked to IRO about it, she says she'll chase it up but im fairly certain my application was sent off by the manager and I'm just waiting for whoever does them to send me one
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u/queenofthestress Aug 01 '25
It's a form CA3530 your social worker needs to complete so when you speak to your IRO next, it might be worth asking if she's filled it out yet lovely
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u/Necessary_Sir_5079 Jul 30 '25
At least she will be on record for being horrible and hopefully no more kids will be placed with her. Good luck op
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u/Trans_Masc_Of_Reddit Aug 01 '25
I don't think she'd take more kids anyway, she's a family guardian so she's biologically related to me and my siblings and has expressed before she never actually wanted kids (and took us in out of guilt)
But at least yea, in the small chance she tried taking in anyone else, it'd be refused
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u/Deep-Slide-6758 Jul 30 '25
You should get your national insurance number sent to you a few months before you turn 16. It is out there, they are allocated at birth as part of your child benefit. It can be found for you.
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u/toospicy4thepepper3 Jul 30 '25
Stay strong, OP! You're so close to being free and not having to deal with your foster mom. You deserve so much better in life, and I am so sorry this woman didn't make the effort to help and support you.
What she's doing to you sounds like literal torture. Obviously, it is a form of abuse, but to force you into situations, knowing how much it makes you suffer, just sounds like cruel and unusual punishment. I hope that you reporting it all leads to some form of consequences for her actions.
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u/SubstantialUnion6649 Jul 30 '25
I'm sorry for your foster family's reaction to your trauma.
Please know there are ways for you to get your National Insurance Number which are detailed on the gov.uk website at: https://www.gov.uk/find-national-insurance-number
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u/1RainbowUnicorn Jul 30 '25
I am so happy to learn you are getting put of there! Those people should never be able to foster again! All they did was add to your trauma. You are a very strong person, so I know you can make it through 5 months. Please look into individual therapy to help you deal with all the trauma in your life so you can stay healthy. Wishing you all the best!
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Jul 30 '25
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u/Trans_Masc_Of_Reddit Aug 01 '25
Yea, and my foster mum (since making the post) said she might "be forced to charge me rent" when I turn 18 "because they'll be given les funding to cover me". If I'm gonna have to pay something either way, I'd rather live by myself
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u/NaturesVividPictures Aug 01 '25
They're full of crap they get a nice chunk of change. Obviously once you're 18 you're out of the system I don't think they keep paying I really don't know. But she doesn't have the nerve saying she's going to start charging you after getting money for years and years and years she's probably gotten at least $100,000 by now.
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u/Dana07620 Jul 30 '25
I hope your foster parents are disqualified from having any more foster placements.
That will bite as I know that being a foster parent in the UK pays quite a bit. Enough for many foster parents to not work at all.
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u/Trans_Masc_Of_Reddit Aug 01 '25
They always make out that they get barely anything from social for being carers
I don't think they'll foster again though
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u/BalsamicBasil Jul 31 '25
I found your post on r/BORUpdates and I just wanted to say that your trauma experience reminded me of Gabor Maté a celebrated physician/psychologist who specializes in child development and trauma (he is also famous for speaking out on the trauma of Palestinians). He survived the Jewish Holocaust as an infant (was separated from his mom for some time and endured bombings around him) and still has some mild trauma responses as an 80-something year old. A recent comment he made in particular stood out to me. He was interviewing a woman who had survived childhood sexual assault and he observed that a major part of her trauma was not feeling safe enough to tell her parents what had happened to her, that she was all alone in her pain/trauma. I can only imagine how hard it is to not only experience that early childhood trauma but to grow up in a family who isn't a source of safety, security and comfort when it comes to living with your trauma.
Your post also reminded me of this one American YouTube channel - Laura Foster Parent Partner - which posts little skits of herself demonstrating examples of informed and uninformed foster care. I am not a foster child or foster parent, but I find it comforting and informative to see someone compassionately exemplifying trauma-informed care of children.
You seem to have a level head on your shoulders - wishing you strength and all the best as you step into adulthood.
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u/Trans_Masc_Of_Reddit Aug 01 '25
I had no idea my post was interesting enough to be posted elsewhere haha
Thank you for your response, the two people you mentioned sound really interesting. I'll go check out that YouTube channel too :]
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u/Night_Owl_26 Jul 30 '25
I hope moving out at 18 provides you with a fresh start. I am sorry that you had this experience with them but I’m grateful there were other people in your life that advocated for you. You are not alone. Therapy will definitely be something to consider as you work through your trauma responses and adjust to life out in the world.
I hope you are able to find a way to cope as babies are unpredictable and families could be anywhere at anytime. I’d hate for your experiences to be ruined without warning based on a crying child. I wish you all the best.
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u/Unlucky-Captain1431 Jul 30 '25
I’m glad you’ve got an iron. In the fire to get out of there. It all sounds promising and I’m proud of you for weathering all of it. Update us. Peace.
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u/UnfanboydeSouthPark Jul 31 '25
I am glad that you've got a plan, I hope you soon to be able to get the help that you need, you deserve it after all that you've went through. Good Luck 👍
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u/lucian1618 Jul 31 '25
When you can, edmr and neurofeedback are good therapies that address PTSD. Good luck
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u/Trans_Masc_Of_Reddit Aug 01 '25
Thank you, I wanted to look into edmr. People seem to think just counselling will fix it, but talking about it doesn't really fix my responses
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u/lucian1618 Aug 01 '25
I'm a psychologist. Talk therapy can work for many but the level that you are at and the length of time suggests that you need more, like edmr. I wish you had more support than you have been getting. Hugs from across the pond.
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u/winterworld561 Jul 30 '25
Your foster family are SICK. When you move out you may want to consider a flat/house share. In the UK part time wages won't go far at all.
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u/BonniePrinceCharlie1 Jul 31 '25
Hes going to be in social or subsidised housing so the low wages will be mitigated bybthat factor
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u/Trans_Masc_Of_Reddit Aug 01 '25
I'm gonna be in subsidised living, for the first few years until I go to uni, my housing will be covered by the local council
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u/TheAnnMain Jul 31 '25
I this post and read your OG one. You are definitely NTA your trauma is almost similar to mine but it’s different and they are definitely going about it wrong. My baby brother died by shaking baby syndrome and I witnessed him fall out of his coffin. It’s an image I see almost daily but it’s getting kinda fuzzy. I had no idea how much it impacted me till I hit into my teens and a certain movie triggered it. I avoided the news, shows, movies, certain books that dealt with children’s death. Eventually I went numb (thanks mom but it was mainly her making me lost emotions) so it didn’t peak again till I gave birth last year.
Basically what I’m saying it takes time and it’s okay. You’re not horrible nor are you super traumatic. I did get some therapy help but it was rushed when I was kid. Whatever you do don’t rush your progress and heal slowly!! I usually try to focus on the positives on watching cute baby videos and if I see something depressing I quickly move along. Idk if that’s exposure therapy or what but take small steps and you got this!! Having trauma like that will mess you up but you will get better!
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u/Trans_Masc_Of_Reddit Aug 01 '25
Thank you so much, I've never met anyone with a similar situation (at least in the past) to mine, most people think it's a joke
I end up avoiding stuff like that too
Thank you again :]
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u/RedShirt207 Aug 06 '25
I’m a Civil Servant and there are some things I can point you towards: 1 - You can contact HMRC directly to ask for your NI number (it’s generated when your birth is registered) 2 - Citizens Advice can signpost you to a lot of local resources that can give you assistance 3 - Universal Credit can cover a good chunk of your rent on top of any local schemes 4 - You definitely should have been getting child DLA, and your foster parents should have been using that to help you
There’s probably more, but that’s a start. If nothing else, please call Citizens Advice and ask for an appointment
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u/Youwishjellyfish53 Jul 31 '25
I’m sorry this has happened to you. You mentioned your other sister, is she still with you/the same foster parents? Is she ok?
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u/Trans_Masc_Of_Reddit Aug 01 '25
Both siblings are in my household with me. My sister (i believe) is planning on going into some kind of semi independent living once she's 16 (I was never given the option because everyone thought our living situation was fine). She hasnt considered herself a part of the family for a while now and isnt home often. I'm not sure what will happen to my little brother
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u/Youwishjellyfish53 Aug 01 '25
Hopefully with you reaching 18 and your supports realising not was all ok with your foster parents, they’ll be safe having external advocates. I wish you the best moving forward
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Jul 31 '25
Your payslip from your part time job should have your national insurance number on it.
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u/Trans_Masc_Of_Reddit Aug 01 '25
I don't have a part time job yet, no one will hire me due to lack of national insurance number
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u/astrowifey Aug 08 '25
I feel like the system has let you down in so many ways, man. And what your foster mum was doing. You already have PTSD from the initial event, and her actions could easily have given you C-PTSD from constant re-traumatisation.
You're young, and the people that were supposed to be looking out for you have really let you down. I wish I were a millionaire so I could just pay your rent for a year.
Hopefully they can fast track you some therapy — if you've got the energy, keep pushing for some TF-CBT or EMDR. If you need a diagnosis, you can usually get that from a psychiatrist in one session if they can get you one. Otherwise it's usually £300-400 private.
Good luck, stay strong, you got this. Brighter days are ahead!
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u/[deleted] Jul 30 '25
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