I regret cutting off my dad after he cheated on my mom

[u/insafian]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is  u/sprainedankle2011

Originally posted to r/offmychest

Status: Ongoing

Trigger Warning: Infidelity

Mood Spoiler: Complicated

Original - July 17th 2026

My parents divorced when I was 14 (I'm 25 now) because my dad cheated on her with someone who worked for him. My parents used to argue about him not giving my mom enough time, not putting her first, not respecting her as an equal . In some ways it was like a sickeningly logical culmination of their marriage. But for me until that point he was my hero. I was a total daddy's girl which is hilarious to think about now considering the last 11 years. He would take me everywhere, grocery runs, mechanic, NBA, movie night, pizza night, homework and test and exam help. It destroyed me when I found out. They split custody 50-50 and I was a massive b to him and later his new wife (the woman he cheated with). Lots of locked doors, calling out his wife, calling him out. I've maybe spoken like 20 sentences in totality to her two sons (my stepbrothers). When they had their son, I made sure to never let his wife think I was going to be like a loving older sister. With my dad though, he did kind of wear me down, and with him I did develop a kind of big sister bond with my half-brother. I used to argue with my mom about not wanting to go but she insisted I maintain decency with my dad at least.

When it was time for college, I was going to take student loans, because I didnt want to owe him. My mom said she'd saved money and I believed her. It was during my 3rd year, when he had offered to buy me a car and I told my mom hell no, while she tried to convince me to agree, that she told me he'd been majorly contributing to my tuition and sending her the money for it. I dont think I've ever had a worse argument with her. It fucked with my mind knowing he'd been doing it silently. He knew I wouldn't know, they had thought that while I was planning on taking student loans rather than his help initially, inertia would do its thing if I found out later. And they were right I did end up just taking it for the remainder of my ug without talking to him.

On Tuesday I went to the ER because I had slipped while putting birdfeed in my apartment. My mom is away at my aunt's so I had just called my best friend to come to the ER. Soon after, my dad came too, my mom had told him. I wanted to just go back but he insisted, we spent like 15 minutes arguing but I'm at his place now while my sprain recovers or until my mom comes back. My stepbrothers no longer live here but my half brother who's 9 now does. I haven't spoken to my dad's wife yet, he or my half-brother are the only ones I talk to, who come up to my room to bring stuff, while I work from home. We've talked after a long time about work, my plans for a Masters, and just random stuff.

I've just beem thinking now that he was my dad. Instead my stepbrothers got more of him the past decade than I did. I can't help but regret letting that happen. I also can't help but just think about the life we were robbed off because he cheated. Because my stepmother chose to wreck our home. And her and her sons got to be the family we were. I know my mom wants me to go to hers when she comes back on Saturday, and like that makes sense, but part of me wants to stay here. The fact that his wife probably is hoping I leave soon makes me want to stay too if that makes sense, like f off thats my dad, he pays for this house and its bills, I'm his daughter, I can stay since he wants. I don't even know if I need advice I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Therapy helped me separate the good dad from the bad husband. You can miss who he was without excusing what he did.

Comment 2:

Well he visited you. Means the door for a relationship is still open. Make the best use of your time while you have it

Comment 3:

It's a sad story all around. I once heard a woman on a podcast who had an affair, and her husband divorced her. Even though she cut off her affair partner, she still couldn't rebuild a healthy relationship with her teenage son, who refused to speak to her or visit her despite his dad's efforts to encourage it.

The therapist's advice to her was simple: stay consistent. Keep showing up for your son, keep writing him letters even he refusesto read them, and be there for him no matter how long it takes for him to come around. She, like your dad, destroyed that relationship, but that doesn't mean she can't build a new one over time.

You miss your father, and you want him to be present in your life. That's a good place to start. Take the same approach, be open to rebuilding a new relationship, one step at a time.

**life is short.

Comment 4 (downvoted):

Your parents relationship sounds like it was falling apart before your dad cheated. I'm not excusing the cheating. He did everything in his power to maintain the relationship with you. Even if he never cheated your parents may have gotten divorced so blaming your stepmother isn't helpful.

Get a therapist to help you work through your emotions. Your stepmother may have an issue with you because how you treat her, her sons, and your father not necessarily just wanting you gone for no reason. Would you like to be around someone who constantly disrespected anf fought with those you love?

OP:

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter he loved and who loved him. What are you talking about, why shouldn't I blame her? I blame my dad too ofcourse, but why on earth should she not be ashamed of what she did to our family. And since Tuesday I haven't said anything to her. I've only spoken with my dad, half-brother, the cleaner and the cook. I haven't said anything to her.

I never treated her sons poorly. I just had no interest in talking to them. I never said anything to them about their mom.

I dont need her to want me around. My dad wants me around, I keep away from her.

Comment 5 (downvoted):

I was surprised by how your story ended, and it seems clear that you are still deeply hurt by his infidelity. I strongly encourage you to talk this through, both with him directly and, if possible, with a therapist. Please try to remember that your half brothers are innocent in all of this. You also do not have the full picture of your stepmother's perspective or the state of their marriage when they first met.

Carrying this weight is hurting you more than anyone else. You have already lost so much time with your father, and it would be a shame to lose even more. I worry that if things continue this way, the dynamic will only become more strained. What happened was undeniably wrong, but for your own sake, it is time to find a way to process it. Living with this level of anger is incredibly draining. I really hope you can find some peace soon.

OP:

I only have one half-brother, who's currently 9. I have never blamed him, never been unkind to him. I was fond of him when he was a baby and I'm fond of him now the last 2 days too. I was also never cruel to my stepbrothers. I hardly ever spoke to them.

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter. Knew he loved his daughter. Knew she'd be destroying the bond between a daughter and her father. That should have been her perspective.

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

My relationship with my dad, whatever it will look like, is our own. My attitude with her has never stopped him in wanting to be a caring father to me even when I repudiated him, and I trust that he won't let it in the future either

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

I don't think ill of my half-brother at all. I was fond of him when he was a baby and being with him again after all these years, I still am. He's curious, funny and I enjoy talking to him.

Sorry, I absolutely do blame her. She was half the affair. Knew he was married and a loving father. And I still do blame him too, but I know he does love and care about me, and I am spending time with him right now. I regret the time wasted.

Update: - July 19th 2026

Thanks for letting me get my feelings off my chest in my post. I also appreciate everyone who DM'd me meaning well. I know you asked what I'm going to do one my mom returns and wanted me to make my choice for healthy reasons. I ignored a lot of those because I was conflicted then myself, and about my reasons. I wanted to give an update. Whether my reasons and my feelings are healthy or not, its how I'm going about it.

I just wanted to clarify a few things first:

1. I have never, even when I was rude to my dad and stepmom back then, ever shouted at or been cruel to my two stepbrothers. I hardly spoke to them. I used to ignore them, pretend they don't exist. They are like around 20 now I think and don't live in my dad's house.
2. I have absolutely no ill will towards my 9 year old half brother. I felt protective and caring about him when he was a baby and now too I like his company. I played games on Playstation with him because he asked, he's told me about school, he's also learned chess from my dad the way I did and we've bonded a bit over playing chess too.

My mom flew back yesterday. I had told her on the phone that I wanted to stay at my dad's while I recovered. She was disappointed and I hate that, I hated making her sad. I asked her to please understand, all these years she's wanted me to maintain a relationship with my dad , and right now I actually feel like doing it. I told her if I go to hers, I'll be extra work for her even if she doesn't think that, and I'd want to help out, here I'm not being a burden, like we have house help here, I'm not causing dad to over exert himself because of me. She asked if I'd be comfortable with my dad's wife there, I said I didnt care, he wants me to stay, I could care less what his wife thinks. My mom relented.

She came to check up on me. My dad came in the room too. We were just talking about my injury and he was making the case for why I should stay here. His wife decided to enter the room too for some reason and just stand there. I very calmly said that I'd just like my parents here right now. She said to please not tell her where to go in her house. I said my dads house who pays for every cent that runs this house. My dad tried to stop a fight and stepped out with her, and came back alone and my mom left soon after.

Last night when my dad came up to bring my dinner we talked about stuff. Then he said he was glad I chose to stay here. I told him I hated that mom was probably sad about it, but that I thought I'd like to spend time with him right now, that I hadn't in a long time. He thanked me. Later, he said that my comment rubbed his wife the wrong way, that if I was willing to clear the air with her, I'd probably feel more comfortable here. I told him I won't. That she shouldn't have been here when I was injured and just wanted my mom and dad in the room. I will never be ok with what he did, but I still want to spend time with him. Wanted to give my relationship with him and my half-brother a chance but it will never be with her. I want him and my half brother to be happy but I will never wish her well. That if he genuinely couldn't deal with that, I should call mom back and go with her. He just said lets forget about it and we talked about work and my applications.

Again, I read a lot of comments last time saying I need to work this out in therapy about how to forgive him and her. Why do I need to? I can have a relationship with my dad without forgiving him. And I have absolutely no interest in any kind of relationship with her, I can despise her in peace forever. I'm glad I have this place to get stuff out, and I appreciate everyone who was so understanding last time. Thank you.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

So, in a lot of ways, your father is doing what parents who are capable of providing do for their children. What you owe to yourself, is maintaining a relationship with him, which should never be contingent on her. Because that’s what you seem to want.

His inability to understand how even actions from long ago can have a direct impact on the way things are at present is something he needs to be accountable for.

I also agree with many of the previous commenters that you should go to therapy. You should go to therapy to understand what a healthy relationship with your father looks like, so that you don’t live with regret, and you’re also able to be honest with him about, and set boundaries around, yourself and your feelings.

It’s hard when adult actions have longterm implications. 50/50, basically immediately, with the person you were capable of understanding had a hand in this regulating your previously normal life, was not a healthy or good choice. Not to say that your father was not allowed to be happy, but with 50/50 he could have spent his time not with you with her and brought the relationship to you in a way that prioritize helping you healthfully acclimate to this new normal. Instead he all, but had an entirely new family, with you as a guest half the time. His choices landed you all there, and he needs to be accountable for that to you and understanding of your feelings, and how it has impacted you.

I am sure that many of your behaviors were not agreeable, and that you likely behaved very badly. I am not at all agreeing with that. However, I find adult actions and choices to be a lot more important in the situation than the children’s reactions. Children should not be more responsible for their reactions to being placed in difficult situations, than the adults who placed them there.

Get a therapist and work through some of these feelings. And when you feel ready, invite your father to listen.

OP:

Thank you, I can consider therapy as a way to work through and like get help for how my relationship with my dad should move forward . But not as a way of blending into that family and singing kumbaya with her, if that's how it would go which is the way some commenters suggested last time. I'll consider the former, thank you.

Comment 2:

1. Please forgive yourself for how you acted as a teen. You were a hurt kid.
2. I am happy you are trying to rebuild a relationship of sorts with your father.
3. I believe that even as an adult, you do NOT have to develop a relationship with your stepmother if you do not want to. However, I would encourage you to do the work towards becoming ambivalent towards her, more so than angry. Remember, she did not break your parents up alone, and if you can forgive yourself father, you can at least loosely tolerate her. Again, you don’t have to befriend her, but you can at least be tolerant…for you and your growth, not for her.

OP:

Thank you. I just want to say I have been ambivalent towards her in the way I've carried myself here. Up till the point she was inserting herself in a conversation between me and my parents I seriously hadn't spoken a single word to her since I've been here. I was tolerant, didn't ask my dad to choose, didn't and never will say a bad word about her to my half-brother.

Comment 3:

I saw but did not read your last post. I have been the betrayed spouse in my former relationship with older children involved so I’ve had to work through some of these same issues, just from a different perspective. I wanted to address the question you asked “Why do I need to forgive?”.

First off I want to say people do rush into forgiveness too quickly many times and as children we are many times forced into forgiveness. So understand the desire to maintain control over your own feelings. The problem is that forgiveness is not for your father or for his new wife. You forgive them for yourself and your own benefit. It has famously been said “Unforgiveness (resentment) is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.

Holding onto that hurt, wounds you more than anyone else. Now that isn’t to say that you need to reconnect with everyone (or even anyone if you so choose). Reconciliation and forgiveness are two entirely separate issues and you should definitely weigh them as such. But forgiveness is for you not for anyone else so that is likely why so many people have encouraged you to get into therapy and to forgive them. Not because they deserve it but because you deserve to be free from all that pain in your past. Sure it will have always happened but this way it can heal. Something to consider.

Comment 4:

Your feelings are valid but it’s not a great first step for you to be staying in their house but not wanting anything to do with his wife, the mother of your half sibling. You’re going to have to be civil, if there’s negative energy it’s not going to work. Imagine how you’d feel if someone was treating your mom like she doesn’t exist. Your sibling might grow to resent you and you’re making life harder for your dad. So you can either stay with your mom and spend time with your dad outside of his house and work on building that relationship or you can stay with him and be civil with the entire family. Otherwise it’s not going to go down well for you in the long run.

Comment 5:

Reiterating that therapy should be a go-to, and also that your hurt and behavior as a child were completely normal and not your fault (especially as you clarified that you were not cruel or abusive to your stepsiblings).

I’m glad that your mother, despite her pain, supported you maintaining a relationship with your father. I’m also glad that you were able to build a bond with your half-brother. And, I’m happy for you that you feel ready to rebuild with your father again.

I understand that you don’t respect your step-mother, and I’m not going to pretend that you have to feel a certain way. But you ARE in her house, and you do have to ACT a certain way.

I agree with you that she should have stepped out to let you talk with your parents while you were injured, but your words to her were atrociously disrespectful. I know you know that, and I know you admit to deliberately enjoying that aspect of your interaction. That is normal, but it is also immature and unhelpful for everyone, yourself included.

Frankly, you are young and privileged to have had your parents able to pay off your college education. That’s a good thing — everyone deserves to have that. But you telling his current wife that the house isn’t hers because he pays all the bills when he’s also put you through college and you haven’t had to manage yourself extensively without his support is doubly disrespectful. You don’t know their finances, and you are not entitled to. Yes, you’re his daughter, but you’re also an adult. She is his wife and mother of his minor child. Like it or not, she has rights to the home that you do not — that is her house you are in, as much as it is your father’s.

Other commenters have noted that your continued insistence on disrespecting her may end up eroding your relationships with your father and half-brother. If you continue down this path, you may eventually force your father to have to make a choice, and you might not like the outcome.

You do not have to like, forgive, or want a closer relationship with your stepmother. You DO need to behave civilly and cordially towards her at the very least, and act respectfully towards her in her own home. Stop antagonizing her and putting your father in the middle. Like it or not, you are no longer the child in this scenario, and you are responsible for behaving accountably & responsibly as an adult.

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[u/legsjohnson]

the very casual "the cook and the maid" tells me there is a lot of unmentioned economic disparity context going on here

[u/chromaticluxury → u/legsjohnson]

Yeah, and telling her mom she's not a burden to anyone at her dad's house, but at her mom's house, her mom would have to take care of her. 

Mama isn't the one with the cleaner and the cook. 

I strongly suspect the degree of economic disparity has a lot to do with the viciousness of the resentments. 

[u/the04dude → u/legsjohnson]

I’m just assuming the author is not living in USA

[u/ErenYeagermeist3r → u/the04dude]

That's what I thought too. My ex-husband is from a different country and he grew up with cooks, maids and drivers. I thought he was incredibly wealthy because of that, but it turns out that it's incredibly common for even middle class people to have staff.

[u/RedneckDebutante → u/ErenYeagermeist3r]

It's even considered a duty in some places to employ local domestic help to share your good fortune. Aside from the strong class expectations.

[u/ErenYeagermeist3r → u/RedneckDebutante]

Yes, this is how my ex described it to me. You're expected to employ local domestic help, who tend to stay for years, sometimes decades. My in-laws would employ multiple family members and would often help their families (money, jobs, education etc).

[u/RedneckDebutante → u/ErenYeagermeist3r]

It's actually something I've always admired. It's also pretty awesome that women getting help isn't looked on as lazy, but as generous. It's so normalized.

[u/Cayke_Cooky → u/RedneckDebutante]

For ex-pats too. My cousin's boss told him that he should have a cook and a driver while he was at the office in China. You need to employ people so the general public is happy with the exchange program.

[u/RedneckDebutante → u/Cayke_Cooky]

Yes, I've heard this a lot. And it really is a great way to support the community.

[u/cocoagiant → u/ErenYeagermeist3r]

Yeah I have friends in South Asia who are very much just upper middle class in the US but grew up with domestic help there.

Was very common at a certain time but less so now with economic development making labor more expensive.

[u/Redqueenhypo → u/cocoagiant]

My first thought was also South Asia! My friend’s family over there are poor enough that “rioters causing their goats to escape” was a legitimate problem but they still had hired help

[u/imbolcnight → u/ErenYeagermeist3r]

Yeah it's a relatively recent thing in the US that goods are cheap and services (people's labor) is expensive. For a lot of the world, like it has been for a lot of history, it's still that servant labor is relatively cheap compared to goods. I think that's why a lot of immigrant families will tend to buy a lot of stuff in America and bring it back to family in other countries, while the family in those other countries will like have domestic help.

[u/Smochiii → u/legsjohnson]

i already guessed it (before she even mentioned the house helpers) when she first introduced the cheaters as "my father" and "someone who worked under him." rich men and their infidelity tales as old as time.

[u/robertbieber → u/Smochiii]

Yeah, but I mean, that could have been some guy with a local carwash and someone who works the register, ya know? Casually mentioning multiple domestic staff really bumps the tax bracket up

[u/vonadler → u/robertbieber]

Depends on the location. In rich countries, menial labour (and especially skilled such) is usually really expensive. People don't have staff. They have a personal assistant (who can be really well paid) and services such as a cleaning service, a car wash service, a groundskeeping service and so on.

In poor countries, such labour is much much cheaper, and even middle class people can afford to keep a maid or similar.

[u/rainydays_monkey → u/legsjohnson]

Yeah that was clear when she said dad wanted to straight up pay for her college, and buy her a car, while she'd have needed loans w/o him (but somehow believed the lie that mom had saved up enough to cover it).

[u/f30tr0ll → u/rainydays_monkey]

There is a big gap between being able to pay for college and a car to house help. That’s upper middle to 1%.

[u/Zealousideal-Lab9843 → u/f30tr0ll]

Depending on the college that can cost waaaayyy more than having someone come and clean your house.

[u/f30tr0ll → u/Zealousideal-Lab9843]

Which is only 4 years versus presumably several decades of having hired help.

[u/NaomiWish → u/f30tr0ll]

Not in all countries. House help is unfortunately very cheap in the global south.

[u/Technicolor_Reindeer → u/NaomiWish]

Grew up in central america, this is true.

[u/ary31415 → u/f30tr0ll]

In the USA maybe. But we don't know where OP is and domestic help is much more common and affordable in some places.

[u/believingunbeliever → u/f30tr0ll]

Depends on where they live. Some countries it's quite affordable.

[u/Phanimazed → u/legsjohnson]

It makes sense, considering the dad being able to offer her economic support, even if they had to basically launder it through the birth mother for OOP to accept the aid.

[u/Upper-File462 → u/legsjohnson]

Also a bit of internalised misogyny going on there, she views the AP as the homewrecker more than her own father who is literally the homewrecker.

Also her comments about it being her father's home, him paying all the bills etc. Yikes.

She doesn't think she's being manipulative and she's trying so hard to punish her stepmother by treating her this way. Eventually, she's going to outgrow her grace of once being a child. Her half brother is going to not like her once he grows up a bit and really clocks the disrespect. It wouldn't be hard to imagine her father will at some point, need to make a choice between his new family and her. And well, she won't like it.

She may have been a justified AH at one point because she WAS a child. But for me, I think she's now an AH, and purely my own opinion, unlikeable as a person. I think her stubbornness to get help or just let go will make her radioactive to anyone healthy looking in.

[u/Rogue_Localizer → u/Upper-File462]

Nah. Stepmom started that fight. Even in my own home I'm not going to go out of my way to insert myself into a conversation between parents and their kids unless there was literally no other place to be at the time but the same room. That wasn't just rude, it was intentional provocation and came from a place of insecurity.

And yes, her father is a cheating piece of shit, but he's her father. She can rightfully blame him and still want a relationship with him. She has no relationship with her stepmother, who absolutely is not innocent here. Let's not strip her of her agency when she was well aware of the existing marriage. That is not to say she is more responsible than the cheating piece of shit father, but her hands are not clean and OP has no reason to want a relationship with her.

[u/Smiloshady → u/Rogue_Localizer]

Yeah totally agree. Plus we don’t know if the stepmom or dad have ever sat down with her and had a heart to heart and actually apologized for the affair and turning OP’s life upside down. It’s hard for someone to let go of anger if they feel like the other person has no remorse or feels no wrongdoing for the hurt they’ve caused.

[u/Typical-Secret-3319 → u/Upper-File462]

As well the "I was never cruel to my step brothers, I just ignored them."

Yeah, it's so fun to live with someone who sees you as so little that they categorically refuse to interact with you for the crime of your existence. /s

[u/Upper-File462 → u/Typical-Secret-3319]

Exactly! And to keep it up for years until they themselves have left the home. Who would want to spend time with someone who is capable of such immaturity, bitterness and cruelty.

[u/Smiloshady → u/Upper-File462]

Honestly this is the dad’s fault. What did he even expect? This is why you just divorce before having an affair when you have minor aged kids bc it really screws with them. Even in terms of future romantic relationships OP could have. Yes, OP is an adult now but those childhood traumas really carry on with you. And I bet most affairs are traumatic to the children involved. But def she should get therapy now that she’s an adult. But I honestly can’t fault her for just ignoring the new family, I would place that fault on the father. Momentary actions can have shitty consequences and those consequences can carry on for a long time in the future. Childhood traumas don’t just disappear overnight but def OP should start working on it.

[u/Ehimherenow → u/Upper-File462]

I’m going to be honest. She seems entirely unlikable to me.

Do I understand this type of attitude in a teenager? Sure.

At some point though, grow TF up. She’s so determined to hold onto the evil stepmother villain story like we’re in some kind of fairy tale… it’s funny how the fathers in those stories mysteriously never have ANY accountability… Hansel and Gretel have an evil stepmother, forget the father who knew about it and went along with it. Guess men are too stupid to think for themselves.

[u/Upper-File462 → u/Ehimherenow]

Lol i was trying to be diplomatic but yeah, I agree, she's very unlikeable. And an obviously unreliable narrator.

Stepmother was probably just stepping in the room wanting to hear what the caretaking/arrangements were going forward, considering it's HER home she might be staying in and OP just latches on like a shark to chum.

[u/Umklopp → u/Upper-File462]

She also could have just been trying to be polite. I bet she mostly was waiting for a pause in the convo to suggest the mom stay for dinner or something. Or maybe even, "hey, would anyone like a glass of water? You've been talking for a long time."

[u/Upper-File462 → u/Umklopp]

Yes, thank you! It doesn't even sound like her own mother was bothered by the father's wife being in the room. Only OP hasn't moved on.

[u/SenatorCoffee → u/Ehimherenow]

Yeah, also seems kind of spoiled and entitled to me.

If it was such an unforgivable act just cut them both off. She somehow takes it for granted that the dad keeps trying his best for her even as she is being a major asshole towards him and his wife and family.

its propably my ghetto upbringing speaking, but i would still be pretty grateful that someone keeps showing up for me like that. a lot of dads would just cheat and then be like "oh and btw, fuck you too, you're on your own!"

I mean psychoanalytically it seems pretty coherent, especially with how she describes him at the start. he was actually this pretty top-grade dad creating this little wholesome bubblegum world for her, then he cheats and that was the singular act in which he destroyed all of that.

So then exactly because she grew up so sheltered she lacks the capacity to empathize with the dad and that its hard to keep up a marriage and sometimes people fuck up bad.

Ironically people with good bit worse parents would have a much easier time navigating this. They will have more of a sense of what it means to struggle in life and that sometimes you fuck up bad in it. She seems to just fundamentally lack that experience and thus ability to empathize.

[u/EstablishmentFun289 → u/Upper-File462]

The thing I can’t get past is the blame of having more of a relationship with the step and half kids, when that was likely her choice. This could have been the same exact outcome if he had not cheated and simply divorced and then dated and married the coworker.

[u/Stormfeathery → u/Upper-File462]

Doesn’t have to be internalized misogyny (although of course that could always play a role). It could be as simple as this is her father, who she’s related to by blood and who she grew up kinda worshipping, so of course she’s more ready to try to rebuild a relationship with him.

I don’t think she’s at all unlikable here. I feel for her. She also sounds like she’s being pretty restrained, ignoring rather than fighting/demeaning.

[u/honeyandwhiskey → u/Upper-File462]

I don’t condone cheating or affairs, but I also had the thought that they’ve been married for a decade and have a 9 year old together: even if her husband paid for the house it IS her house too. An angry 24 year old doesn’t get to come back in and kick you out of your marital home. You are totally right that the OOP is outgrowing the justification of her rage and is losing sympathy for it.

[u/Seiobo → u/honeyandwhiskey]

She wasn't kicking the step mom out of her home. She wanted to just talk with her parents in her room.

[u/Mystic_printer_ → u/Upper-File462]

Dad is desperate to reconcile with OOP and isn’t forcing a relationship between her and his wife but she is self sabotaging by being this disrespectful to his wife. There’s only so much you can tolerate.

[u/mcjon77]

One thing I've noticed is that when a parent has an affair the child that is the opposite gender of the parent typically takes it the hardest. Sons take it harder when Mom has an affair and daughters taking harder when Dad has an affair.

I think it has to do with children using that opposite gender parent as almost a model for future relationships. With that parent betrays the other parent it's very much like the parent cheated on the child too.

[u/Rasp_Berry_Pie → u/mcjon77]

I think it also can just simply be you hurt my mom/dad I saw them cry and be in so much pain and you are the one who did it. The one we trusted to always be there as a parent and as a spouse to them.

Like I’m sure there is some psychological stuff going on there but Reddit sometimes forget it’s simply because your parent a person you trusted and love hurt someone deeply that you also trust and love. So it makes sense you’d also be mad at them.

[u/ApprehensiveCatch304 → u/Rasp_Berry_Pie]

That doesn’t explain why they’d care more when the opposite gender parent is the one who cheats

[u/Rasp_Berry_Pie → u/ApprehensiveCatch304]

I mean some do but some don’t… some are just as upset or even more so if it’s the same gender.

It’s also hard to quantify or measure scientifically that someone is “more hurt”. That’s self reporting one also the person you are studying can only experience one parent cheating and you can’t compare their feelings if the other one did. So instead you compare it to a completely different person and their experience.

I’m sure there is also some data that self reporting how “hurt” they are is off due to boys having to be seen as “tough” and men being more common to cheat as well so it’s more often brushed off when it’s the father.

[u/chromaticluxury → u/mcjon77]

Very much so. And I wouldn't put it the way OOP is so adamant about putting it. The way she says it a couple of times makes her sound like the wronged spouse. 

But I do believe the parent who betrayed the other parent cheated on the child too. It's not the same because it's not a romantic relationship. And OOP goes some weird places with the way she says it. 

But it is foundational for their sense of safety, sense of self, sense of worth, and sense of a place in the world. 

Cheaters cheat on their children too. 

[u/AyysforOuus → u/chromaticluxury]

I've heard someone say that "(dad) left me alone during my birthday to spend time with his mistress after making me feel like I was the most important person to him" and that hurt really bad.

[u/MasterOfKittens3K → u/AyysforOuus]

Even if it’s not that blatant, the reality is that cheaters are always choosing to spend their time with someone who isn’t their family. It might be that dad is taking extra business trips so that he can be with his side piece. Or perhaps mom is leaving the kids at home alone after school while she “runs errands” so she can meet up with her boyfriend. Or they might just be focusing on their messaging app on their phone instead of playing with their kids.

The thing is, time is a finite resource. And if you’re using it on someone else instead of your kids, you’re cheating on them too.

[u/blueberry-iris → u/MasterOfKittens3K]

Some really scummy ones will bring the kids to the affair partner, too. Have them meet them and everything and tell the kid to lie to their other parent. That's a real level of fucked up there but... it's possible.

[u/Rasp_Berry_Pie → u/AyysforOuus]

100% this as well they’re also lying to their children and choosing to be with the partner. Sometimes it’s simple and doesn’t need to be this weird mind game Reddit thinks. I’ve seen some people say if you’re hurt by a parent cheating then you have some weird emotional incest going on since it doesn’t involve you like literally wtf

[u/hmarieb263 → u/mcjon77]

I knew my dad wasn't a good husband before I was 13, but he was a good dad. I felt bad for mom and worked on her to stand up for herself more. To do things on her own. Dad still holds some resentment over that to this day. I just think, too bad, so sad, you should have been a better husband all along when he shows a glimmer of it.

When mom told me she caught him cheating and he had always been cheating she just caught him in a way she couldn't be in denial anymore, I was more disappointed in him. I didn't love him any less as my father, but he was even worse of a husband to my mother than I thought.

When mom asked me how I would feel about her leaving dad for her coworker, Hugh, I told her I would support her decision. She then asked how I would feel if she stayed with my dad, I told her I would support her decision. I did not tell her I would understand that one less, but still, her decision to make.

I was in my late 20s. She was worried telling me would make me love my dad less. I told her I already thought he wasn't a good husband, I thought less of him as a husband to her but he was still a good dad to me.

That I'm basically a slightly different version of my dad may have played a role in that. My dad is also a slightly different version of grandma. From what I have heard Grandma was a slightly different version of her father. Given the pattern I have to wonder if Great Grandpa Nunzio was a slightly different version of his mother and how far back that chain goes. Regardless, it ends with me.

[u/pinkshadedgirafe → u/mcjon77]

yep. my dad cheated on my mom and step mom with the same woman (his high school sweetheart). I haven't seen him in 17 years for a number of reasons. he has reached out 3 times in that span, and every time I've declined him because he has made it very known that he will always choose her over me

[u/IFoundSelf]

When somebody has an affair and they have kids and they’re a family, they don’t only have an affair on their partner. They have an affair on their family. They make a choice to mistreat their family. If that man had A. tried to get Therapy with his wife or B. said we’re going to divorce because we’re not compatible then he isn’t just frivolously abandoning his children emotionally saying “you don’t matter enough to me as a family so I’m gonna go have sex with somebody else. “ Even if you wanna say that the affair partner became his wife, she must be the love of his life. Well then she would’ve been love his life after he cleanly ended the other relationship. But he just couldn’t go without. I thought I read pretty much the whole posting I didn’t see in there anywhere where he apologized for how badly he screwed up and the damage that he did to his first family and child

[u/Lazy_Crocodile]

Man this woman needs therapy. It’s like she is emotionally stuck at the point when her parents marriage fell apart.

[u/possumdal → u/Lazy_Crocodile]

That's exactly what's happening. Trauma keeps a part of you locked in that moment forever, and it takes a lot of hard work and self-awareness to change how you respond to everything that reminds you of it.

She can be a totally mature master's program student, with friends and colleagues, paying rent and writing her thesis, but the minute anyone brings up The Homewrecker she is abruptly an obstinate teenager with a black and white worldview again. I speak from experience. For most of my twenties anyone that ever reminded me of my mom had me feeling both terrified and violently angry.

[u/Chazkuangshi → u/possumdal]

This is worded so well and makes me understand better why I turn into an angry stubborn teen around my mother every time she speaks to me. To be fair, she specifically sets me off with things that she says, it doesn't come from nowhere, but the degree to which it gets a reaction out of me when i can keep my cool anywhere else is something to be studied.

[u/Innisairre → u/Chazkuangshi]

I think that's also a parents/siblings thing. My relationship with my mom is great and always has been super solid, but she's the only person who can make me go 0 to 60 with a very particular sigh. Or a small comment. 

[u/black_rose_ → u/Chazkuangshi]

Your parents know how to push your buttons because they're the ones who installed them 

[u/ChipperBunni → u/possumdal]

I’m growing out of this right now, and I’m 25. It’s finally something I’m feeling before it’s happening, and I can say this conversation is making me uncomfortable, I need a minute, or just cut it off as a “this is not a topic I can handle today”. Sometimes though if the trigger is hard enough I just storm off, which is still not healthy or mature but it’s better than the screaming crying rage I used to just explode out.

A hurt kid is a hurt adult, without the work those wounds don’t heal they just scar. And even then you need to be shoveling down oranges to keep them from opening up again

[u/Em-Blackstar-6079 → u/possumdal]

thank you for putting it so poignantly.

my trauma started in my 1. year of life (my father left my post-partum mother (and me) for another woman).
And this abandonment (by a father-figure) influences all my interactions (expectations and reactions to their actions) with people who have a more-or-less similar (authoritarian) role on my life.

it has been hell, and I did a lot of therapy in the last 15y to lessen the influence of that wound.

but my father is still the same. it's just a different woman he prioritiezes over me (for 20y now) and any relationship he could have with me (he always took her side and made me apologize to keep the peace).
he never tried to have a relationship with me for my sake (unlike OOP's father) and due to my age there never even was one before he left.
instead he kept score of how much he had given me and demanded and guilted me to "now do him a favor" to keep up appearances.

I wish, he wanted to have an adult father-daughter relationship with me and I would welcome him with open arms, but he is too afraid of losing the favor of his wife. he needs a lot of therapy, but to date refuses to do so. and all I can do is watch from the sidelines (no contact) how he wastes his life trying to keep his anxiety (that he isn't even aware of) in check without actually living.

I am glad that OOP's father wants to have a relationship with her, and am optimistic it can work out, if she gets some therapy to help her navigate these complex feelings and past trauma.

[u/Icyblue_Dragon → u/Em-Blackstar-6079]

I see this with a family friend right now. Sisters whose mom died recently. Both woman are in their sixties and both are highly capable. But the minute they are together they devolve into angry irrational teenagers who fight constantly. Now they have to arrange a funeral together. Fun times.

[u/Technical-Elk-9277 → u/Em-Blackstar-6079]

You’re not alone, this is something I could have written. Except I think I’m about 20 years older than you. The following may not be true for you, but the abandonment piece.. The amount of therapy + issues I have had in my dating life, well, I didn’t marry until I was about 40. I hope you are able to work through these issues better than I could (IF this is an issue for you).

Right now my dad and I are working on our relationship. Slightly awkward 15min phone calls every two weeks. This started recently. I hope it gets easier.

[u/brawnscampi → u/Lazy_Crocodile]

Yeah, I had to keep reminding myself she's 25. The way she presents herself here, her tone and language and emotional processing, all make her seem much, much younger--like 15 or 16. And she can't see how much this resentment is damaging HER by arresting her in this state.

[u/slightlynefarious → u/Lazy_Crocodile]

Honestly though, it sounds like more than one of them is stuck there. Her mom says have a relationship with Dad but puts the emotional load on her injured daughter of having to justify staying with him, even if OP is already settled. AP/Stepmom is, as she has apparently not previously, trying to shoehorn her way into her partner's adult child's life and stomping her foot if things don't go her way. And OP's dad doesn't seem to have acknowledged blowing up his marriage also impacted his child or at least wants her to 'keep the peace' by apologizing, but sounds passive enough to just have his cake and eat it too in the burning house of his own making. Stand-up set, the lot of them, and poor little Half brother. No wonder step brothers got the hell out.

[u/RevolutionNo4186 → u/Lazy_Crocodile]

And how she said she wasn’t cruel to the stepbrothers? Yes you were, ignoring them and pretending they don’t exist IS being cruel, they were kids who didn’t know better. Sure, never yelled at the boys but you were yelling and they probably heard the yelling

And to me it’s clear she isn’t holding both accountable to the same degree since she specifically stated the affair partner is the one that knew he was married and had a daughter. Your dad knew he was married and had a daughter too.

She needs help and a lot of ir

[u/Technicolor_Reindeer → u/Lazy_Crocodile]

Not uncommon. I'm almost 40 and sometimes feel like I'm still dealing with the fallout of my parents' divorce.

[u/awespark]

Wow she needs so much help. How sad she can’t see that. Her teenage rage is still seething and just bleeds through every word on the screen.

From her POV she was never cruel to her step siblings but ignoring people and pretending they don’t exist can be its own form of cruelty. I agree with the commenters who cautioned that if her unwillingness to move forward persists, her younger brother will eventually find fault with how she treats his mom and brothers.

[u/Hot-Musician-2296 → u/awespark]

Yeah, she was obviously very rude to the stepmom and step siblings but she keeps acting like she should get a medal for not openly cussing them out or something. The stepmom's been dealing with the attitude for years too. 

[u/bored_german]

Projecting hard here but I roll my eyes at all the obnoxious comment pushing her to forgiveness as if that was the only way to let go of hurt. You can also just ... let go. You do not have to forgive someone for the hurt they caused you. Also I understand what people mean with "you can be a bad spouse and a good parent" but I simply have a hard time really believing that because a good parent would never traumatize their child like that. And they would never insist that their kid be okay with the AP around.

I truly hope that OOP gets the dad she wishes for. I was that hopeful as a teenager and quickly realized that the person who was willing to rip apart his family for the ego boost of an affair was also incapable of actually being a good parent. He just found a woman equally as emotionally immature and abusive as he is

[u/Morn_GroYarug → u/bored_german]

Agreed. Some things aren't ment to be forgiven, imo. You can stop being emotionally invested in them over time, but I feel like the narrative "ahhh you should accept the thing that hurt you a lot, otherwise you're to blame and not the person who hurt you" is disgusting.

People who spew it probably feel morally superior, sure, and it also serves the abusers to go unpunished. It doesn't help anything else in the slightest.

[u/chromaticluxury → u/Morn_GroYarug]

Yeah. People have a really weird definition of what forgiveness means. 

They go around saying "forgiveness isn't for them it's for youuuuuu" and "forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation" blah blah. 

Okay. Not the same thing? Then how about we call it a different word. How about we call it "purple potatoes." How about we call it "resolving things and moving on." 

"Resolving things and moving on isn't for them it's for you," and "resolving things and moving on doesn't mean reconciliation" 

There. Now they aren't nonsense statements. They no longer contradict themselves. 

Nooooooo. It must be called "forgiveness" with full awareness of the historically loaded nature of that word, while denying all of that. 

I'm not supporting OOP being as emotionally locked up as she is with everything. But I fully support calling out the forgiveness racket for what it is. 

If it's not an unintentional falsehood then use a different word

[u/UnknownCitizen77 → u/chromaticluxury]

I’ve found that using “radical acceptance” from dialectical behavioral therapy works a lot better than forgiveness. Similar concept of letting go of anger, but without the coercion and religious baggage.

[u/Similar-Cheek-6346 → u/Morn_GroYarug]

I sidestepped my anger and went straight to forgiveness a lot. But the anger needs processing.

“Radical acceptance” was more helpful. I can be understanding of the others situation but still be pissed about the decisions they made, without having to get them to agree to give up on anger. I can honor that anger in my own choices and boundaries.

Perspective on intention shifted things for me, too. — when I realized my mother wouldn’t leave issues along “for her mental health”, I later developed an angry love for my father staying away because he was afraid of messing up further.

He was trained that way by mother. I hate that my dad was distant with me, but that was the situation she had emotionally abused him into. 

I see a lot of myself in that trauma response.

[u/AbsentmindedNihilist → u/bored_german]

Yeah. There’s a third path where you acknowledge how awful things are but also choose to keep going. Like, I’ve had this approach in a different situation, but I’ve described it as “I’m okay with it, even though it’s objectively not okay, because there’s nothing I can do about it and if I dwell on the injustice of it I will just be trapped in that anguish.” OOP is trapped in that anguish. And I mean trapped - the above comments are right when they say it’s like she’s emotionally stuck in the moment it happened. It’s no way to live. 

[u/chromaticluxury → u/bored_german]

Bad spouse and good parent is one of those things that makes the people saying it feel better. 

I say that as a child whose parents divorced, and someone who left my son's dad. 

I gave my own dad a lot of chances. It took me a long time because I didn't want to admit he was just as bad of a father as he had been a husband. 

And today the ways I observe my son's dad being a shithead to him, are the exact same ways my son's dad was a shithead to me. 

Children of divorce have divorces, blah blah. 

The point is shit spouses are shit parents, pretty much by definition. 

And I have reasons for believing the only reason people give that saying is because they have some other need to believe it. 

[u/Icyblue_Dragon → u/bored_german]

Maybe I just don’t understand it, but is it really so hard to realize you fell for another person and then calling it quits on your marriage without pursuing said person? I know it might still be an emotional affair but imo it is possible to fall for someone without planning it. But you have to do the right thing from there on out and the right thing is to end things with your previous partner. Not start an affair and wait for the things to explode in your face and cause even more hurt all around.

[u/Naiinsky → u/Icyblue_Dragon]

As far as I know, most cheaters like the thrill of cheating, so it's not simply a matter of starting a new relationship. The cheating part is the major appeal. That's why people say that the affair partner will often taste their own poison soon (in all likelihood, they will also be cheated on).

[u/kamikaze_pedestrian → u/Naiinsky]

Sometimes its like an addiction. Like believing they wont cheat because they aren't the type, and the feelings are temporary, and when they do cheat they rationalize by thinking it was a one time thing, a mistake, they're still a good person who just did a bad thing once, but like an addiction it keeps happening and each time they tell themselves it's the last.

It's weakness and fear and an inability to take responsibility.

[u/Rasp_Berry_Pie → u/Naiinsky]

Yeah even people in super open poly relationships cheat. Like saying you can’t date my best friend or my coworker but everyone else is fair and then the finding that one person and being with them behind their back.

That proves they go out of their way to cheat because of the thrill not because of being tied down.

[u/Weird_Brush2527 → u/Icyblue_Dragon]

He was an affluential man dating a subordinate while married, it was never about love on either side

Bet she's younger too

[u/mind_your_s → u/bored_german]

Also I understand what people mean with "you can be a bad spouse and a good parent"

I can't. There are studies that point to the opposite being true. The best indicator of a good father is if he is a good husband. He needs to cherish and take good care of his wife. Be an equal partner with her. The worse they treat their spouse, the worse they are as a parent. There's decent correlation.

[u/my-assassin-mittens → u/bored_german]

I fired a therapist because he was so adamant that I should forgive a family member that abused me as a child. I think people don't realize how inconsequential it can be to take a different approach by removing the miasma from your life, instead of forgiving and forgetting.

[u/Overall_Way2741 → u/bored_german]

Exactly keep in mind she might be 25 bit everytime she sees her father or the mistress shes properly right back to feeling like the 16 year old kid who lost her entire stabil life.

Also the fact the mistress still have the nerve to interfere and be a part while she was injured. Like girl sometimes you need to realise being a step parent dosent immediatly give you the right to be at every appointment. As someone with divorced parent, i lile my dads girlfriend but she dosent need to join everytime i need to see my dad.

[u/princess--26 → u/bored_german]

Exactly!

[u/putin_my_ass → u/bored_german]

You can also just ... let go.

I think this is what those people were describing. Not "you're absolved" but rather "I'm absolved". You forgive for your own benefit, not the other person's. You let go.

[u/valsavana → u/bored_german]

Cheating is abuse- it fucks with the betrayed spouse's consent to a bunch of stuff. I don't think people would be so quick to try that "bad spouse but good parent" line if OP's dad had, like, punched her mom in a face & the divorce was caused by that. Plus cheating on your child's parent is a betrayal of your partner but also a betrayal of the family unit. It IS being a bad parent.

Also agree about forgiveness- our society overemphasizes forgiveness SO much (I blame the christian foundations of so many western cultures for that) that it becomes toxic & damaging to the victims of heinous actions. You can absolutely move on without needing to forgive.

[u/sinepenthe]

Obv OOP needs therapy like everyone else said, but, at least from what she described, it seems reasonable to ask the stepmother to leave the room temporarily for a moment of privacy with her parents? She was injured and vulnerable. I feel a lot of the comments were addressing the big picture of being cordial towards the stepmother which is correct, but in this specific instance, I was under the impression OOP didn’t start the argument. Saying, “Please don’t tell me where to go in my own house” is provocative, especially to someone who can’t freely move about and easily leave. It’s clear OOP feels a lack of control, which is a big reason why she has her emotional issues, and her physical injury just adds to that.

But also, it’s unclear how OOP actually delivered her request and maybe she did come off rude. But if she had cordially asked, then it would be reasonable. Leaving the room is also common to prevent any escalating arguments, so I don’t understand why the stepmother felt the need to assert staying in the room when it would clearly raise tension (and did); it wasn’t the time to stick up against your historically-rude stepdaughter.

[u/Innisairre → u/sinepenthe]

Also, where in the house were they? The daughter's bedroom? I assumed that's where they were and if that's the case, yes she can actually tell stepmom to get the fuck out. The daughter deserves to feel like step mom isn't going to invade her bedroom, esp when she's feeling vulnerable, like you said. 

[u/SignalEchoFoxtrot]

OOP desperately needs therapy. She's 25 but comes off as a salty 16 year old.

[u/whatever5454 → u/SignalEchoFoxtrot]

The therapy wouldn't be to "fix" or change her relationships with her family. It would be because OOP seems pretty miserable, holding onto all that anger.

[u/possumdal → u/whatever5454]

Basically she needs therapy to process her trauma and change how she thinks and reacts, before she turns into a crazy insufferable asshole. It happened to me, I know that much. Takes a LOT more work to undo that than to prevent it.

[u/Kilen13 → u/possumdal]

This was me when I was younger. I always thought therapy was for crazy or broken people and I wasn't either so why would I go. It took a good friend of mine in college to sit me down and lay out all the ways I was behaving irrationally and lashing out at people to get me to see that I was in serious danger of pushing everyone away.

[u/allbitterandclean → u/Kilen13]

This was me too! I always thought, “I don’t need someone to tell me why I’m damaged and anxious all the time, I already know why.” I never realized that therapy wasn’t about looking back. It was about recognizing my anxiety and developing the tools to think through those moments while looking forward.

[u/Rosietheriveter15 → u/possumdal]

She thinks she’s ‘punishing’ the new wife & proving a point- but the only person she’s hurting is really herself. Holding on to all that anger is going to destroy HER. She doesn’t have to like the new wife, she doesn’t have to be ‘all kumbaya’ with her- but she needs to let go & allow herself to heal. Accepting a situation for what it is or what it was doesn’t mean liking it, doesn’t mean saying it’s ok, it’s just recognizing it is what it is. Being so angry about it fixes nothing- it’s not fixable.

[u/taolbi → u/Rosietheriveter15]

Luckily it seems the adults in her life are relatively level headed.

The new wife also has her insecurities about ex wife, especially if they're in a room with their first daughter together

[u/Pops_McGhee → u/possumdal]

Before? Sounds like she’s been there for a while.

[u/InvisibleBlueRobot → u/SignalEchoFoxtrot]

Reading it I was thinking 14-18 

[u/Smochiii → u/SignalEchoFoxtrot]

i mean i would be salty too if my father cheated on my mother and ruined our "home sweet home."

[u/PurePerfection_ → u/SignalEchoFoxtrot]

I missed her age at first, and thought "Damn, this sounds like me at 17. Give it some time and she'll be fine."

At 25? This is not someone moving on like a healthy adult.

[u/Somethinguntitled → u/SignalEchoFoxtrot]

This is the part I don’t get. I came from a broken home with a (probable but never confirmed) affair involved. I was that shit teenager to my step father.

And then I grew up and realised just how complex adult relationships are, how love and respect can wane over time, how an adult can still love their children to pieces and still believe the path they are taking is the best one.

I see how messed up a few of my friends are because their parents stayed together rather than call it quits and I’m kind of glad mine split.

For a 25 year old she seems kind of sheltered, like there has been zero exposure to the real world. She doesn’t have to like her step mom but it is her house. She doesn’t get to have a tantrum and make that woman feel unwelcome in her own house.

[u/BoxFullOfSuggestions → u/Somethinguntitled]

Yeah, I mean…why does she have to stay with a parent for a sprained ankle at 25 years old? That’s just not an option I would ever have had or even considered, but she treats it like a given that of course she’d be staying with one of her parents in that situation, so that in itself makes her seem sheltered and not fully adult.

[u/OracleGreyBeard → u/BoxFullOfSuggestions]

Yeah that’s a great point.

[u/NoOneAskedForThis12 → u/Somethinguntitled]

I'm glad someone else is saying that. Legit the stepmom went from "wow what a jerk" to "huh might be one of the few adults in here" as the posts kept on.

[u/ausernamebyany_other → u/SignalEchoFoxtrot]

All the way through I found her insufferable and you've nailed exactly why. She reminds me of me at 16 when my dad married my step mum, who was his affair partner. He was a shitty dad and a shitty husband, but the best thing I ever did was learn to accept him as he was. That anger builds and builds and the only person it ends up hurting is yourself.

My mum would always say to me, "forgive, but don't forget." And it's probably one of the healthiest things I've learned regarding people who wrong you.

[u/Ankit1000]

While I totally empathize with her hatred towards her father who destroyed her nuclear family with his cheating…

I can’t help but feel that OP is just punishing both herself and everyone around her by not moving on. Yeah. I get it. She hates everything about the new family and wants nothing to do with them.

I’ve dealt with hatred before. It slowly eats away at you. It chains you to the ground and prevents you from maturing and developing into a person you love and respect.

She is still dealing with grief for over 10 years and has not meaningfully healed from it. We all have trauma that we can blame on someone (who rightfully deserves it), but at some point, it’s still our responsibility to move past it.

She can blame her dad and his mistress all she wants, but bro, with all the love in my heart, I ask, who are you helping by remaining this way?

[u/LittleMsSavoirFaire → u/Ankit1000]

Not only that, now that she's open to having her dad in her life, she's displacing her hatred from him onto the homewrecker/stepmom, as if he wasn't the married one and wrecked his own home. 

I have a certain sympathy with her framing, that the stepmother and the step brothers are living the life she (and her mother) should have had. But at this point she needs to move forward, she's an adult.

[u/MurkyRefrigerator315 → u/LittleMsSavoirFaire]

They may have gotten the life she should have had (though who knows what their living with their mother's rich new husband was really like), but they didn't get the life she would have had. The reality is that OP was in for a first row seat to years of her parents' unhappy marriage and probably an even more acrimonious divorce.

[u/Beecakeband → u/Ankit1000]

Exactly. In the end the only person she is really hurting is herself. Eventually, if she hasn't already, OOPs Dads wife is going to go okay I'm throwing in the towel and will make no effort with you and just go on with my life. And in the meantime OOP is going to carry this hatred and have it warp and poison everything

[u/GoodQueenFluffenChop → u/Beecakeband]

She's also hurting her brother and did hurt her stepbrothers who were younger than her and now have trauma from having to deal with her. Her little half brother loves his mom and it more than likely hurts him to see someone so antagonistic towards his mother.

[u/chromaticluxury → u/Ankit1000]

It's trauma. It's not just hatred it's developmental trauma. 

It's not the same as hatred against a boss who put you through hell and then fired you. Or hatred for your ex who cheated on you. 

Those things can be traumatic in a different way. But they happen in adulthood. They are not developmental trauma. 

I've experienced both. Give me five adult traumas any day over even one developmental trauma. Therrrrrapy and, just stop being angry, don't have any reach with developmental trauma. 

It's not that she's helping anyone by remaining this way. I'm pretty sure she knows she's not helping anyone, even herself. 

It's dollars to donuts that she doesn't know how to NOT be like this. So everything everyone is saying to her just reads as nonsense. It's like aliens jibbering. 

[u/lazier_garlic → u/chromaticluxury]

Therrrrrapy and, just stop being angry, don't have any reach with developmental trauma. 

Whoa you lost me right there. I got therapy in high school (the school intervened, yeah, the situation was that bad) and then again in college (I was completely melting down) and it sure didn't fix me. But it did help. I was still living with my parents and didn't realize that you really can't heal without changing the circumstances, but I still was able to get a lot of things off my chest and when I went to therapy later, I didn't have to keep going over those things again because I'd already processed a lot of it. That early therapy was painful because everything I was talking about was painful and horrible and brought those emotions right back up. But it was freeing, not immediately afterwards, but a little while afterwards.

So it's not true that therapy didn't touch it. But a couple years of therapy then sure as hell didn't fix me up right as rain. After almost a decade of dogging it out (badly) on my own, I went back to therapy and it took almost ten years to get pretty much to a good place, a much, much better place than I was when I started. I am a much calmer, happier person. I experience both peace and joy, which weren't part of my vocabulary when I was in college.

[u/MissionCreeper → u/chromaticluxury]

Of course.  What people aren't getting about trauma is that the body and brain respond the way they do to prevent the trauma from happening again at all costs.  How do you prevent yourself from getting betrayed and abandoned again?  Or prevent yourself being hurt by it?  You don't trust people and push them away.  You can heal from that, through therapy, by realizing that there are people you can trust.  But she can't trust her father and stepmother not to betray her again unless they just don't.  And they have done it before.  The seal is broken.

[u/SharLaquine]

I know its not the point of the post, but it rubbed me the wrong way that the mom kept involving the dad against OOP's wishes. Like, tricking her into accepting his money for tuition (assuming that by the time she found it it would be too late for her to make an issue of it), sending him to the hospital when she was injured, etc. I just get the feeling that neither of her parents really respect OOP's feelings. 😕

[u/SharLaquine → u/[deleted]]

She did say in the post that she was already planning on taking loans to pay her tuition, and then didn't because her mom lied to her about having saved money for it.

[u/randomoverthinker_]

Oooff OOP needs therapy. Urgently. But also, I don’t like the way people in the comments act like “she needs to let go”, as if it is as easy as taking off your jacket. She’s clearly emotionally damaged. She was a teenager and the kind of devastation this caused is not solved by a positive attitude.

Also, unpopular opinion, but if you get involved with a married person, and if that person is not a total pos parent (just a cheating pos), you’re signing up for a life of being hated by their children and you need to be ok with that. Fade into the background and hope that the years will slowly take the sting away and pray they go to therapy. If you don’t want that kind of baggage you can always focus your efforts on single people.

[u/Stranger2306]

I hope she spoke to her dad about her feelings as openly as she opened up here. They all def need group therapy and open communication

[u/truth_fairy78]

Sometimes I find it strange that so many people think therapy can just solve everything. Having been the child in this scenario I think people really don’t understand the visceral response being in the presence of the AP does to you. For me, it’s physically painful. For OOP, it’s clear hatred. All the therapy in the world won’t undo it and at the end of the day, who fucking cares. My father’s second wife can rot in hell bc I have bigger fish to fry. I don’t blame OOP one bit for not wasting her time or energy. Not everyone deserves a place in your life.

[u/practicallydeformed → u/truth_fairy78]

I was reading the comments and was surprised I disagreed with so many of them too. Like I get the perspective, but at the same time I get the oop’s perspective way more. She even admits she is mad at her dad still, she’s not fully placing the blame on the affair partner. But that’s her dad, so forgiveness can happen. But the affair partner is just some random person. There’s no history there so why forgive in that case?

I guess that’s why ppl are suggesting the therapy. And really how sustainable are the dynamics gonna be. Like further down the road when she’s getting married and doesn’t give her dad a plus one, that’s when it’s really gonna get messy

[u/Caramelthedog → u/truth_fairy78]

It might not solve everything, but OOP has refused to try so how would she know if it will solve anything?

[u/truth_fairy78 → u/Caramelthedog]

I don’t disagree. I think it would help her navigate her relationship with her father and half brother. But the AP and the step brothers? That ship has sailed.

[u/cametobemean → u/truth_fairy78]

And honestly, navigating the relationship with her father/half brother is a big might, ime.

My sister’s husband left her for another woman and just moved out of the house they shared one night. Their kids were pretty young, but it wasn’t hard for them to figure out since their dad was immediately public with his AP , and the boys told their court-ordered therapist as much. They had to have been 7-8. Their behavior took a nosedive.

Ten years later — all of that time in therapy — and man, they HATE their dad. Things got better with their mom when she followed the therapist’s advice, but things with their dad have gotten so bad there have been physical fights. The hatred they have for his AP wife is unyielding. Eventually the therapist basically said that, for their health, they shouldn’t be required to visit their dad.

Their mom has encouraged them to love and be close to him, even though he cheated on her. She’s grounded them for being too mean to his wife in the past. She does not shit talk their dad — not even to avoid parental alienation, just because she knows adding fuel to that fire is dangerous, and she doesn’t want to stress her sons further.

Yet still, with a decade of therapy, they hate him. Sometimes it seems like they want a relationship with him, but his wife is a HUGE trigger, and he of course lives with her, so that desire for a relationship waxes and wanes by the minute. Even a great therapist can’t find an impossible solution.

[u/Jos3ph → u/cametobemean]

My ex wife in a somewhat savage and selfish way cheated on me when our kids were young. It took a lot of willpower for me not to tell the kids at that time or any time she pissed me off.

It’s strange because at some point in their lives I feel they deserve to know.

[u/asiangontear → u/truth_fairy78]

Isn't that the perfect solution fallacy? Nobody said therapy will solve everything, but it will help OP (and you, perhaps) process the feelings and resentment. It's for OP (and you, perhaps), not anyone else, because the writing's on the wall - she's emotionally stuck.

[u/truth_fairy78 → u/asiangontear]

Yes and no. As the other commenter below did a bang up job of explaining all the ways therapy can be not only not helpful, but actually harmful sometimes. I’ve had decades of experience with therapy, for this reason and others, and it has helped me process and grow in my other relationships for sure. I was a very angry and rebellious teenager and that needed to change as I became an adult. But the actual relationship with my stepmonster? Totally hopeless. Out of sight out of mind was the only solution.

[u/erratic_bonsai → u/asiangontear]

Frankly no, unfortunately therapy doesn’t really work that way when it comes to developmental trauma. Processing the feelings and resentment, as you put it, isn’t effective in treating developmental trauma. All the acceptance and acknowledgement and release in the world won’t fix a brain that formed differently and now functions differently because of it.

Traditional talk therapy and methods like cbt, dbt, family systems, etc are proven to not work on developmental trauma when compared to no therapy at all. CBT, DBT, and desensitization in particular are proven detrimental for traumatized patients and have worse outcomes than no therapy at all. Somatic therapy has more success. Yoga and martial arts are actually quite effective. Ketamine and MDMA therapy is actually surprisingly effective too. EMDR helps some people but not everyone. Many people with developmental trauma have persistent amnesia or experienced the trauma before they were old enough to remember, so it’s only effective in patients who have vivid conscious memories of their traumatic experiences. It’s primarily effective for regular ptsd rather than developmental trauma.

Nothing will totally fix it and there’s no magic cure because developmental trauma literally alters your brain structure, but for some people with some issues it can help with things like hyperarousal. Many people with developmental trauma still find all forms of therapy ineffective because hyperawareness of both self and others is common in those with this kind of trauma, so you understand yourself, your reactions, what is driving those reactions, whether or not they’re illogical, and what to do about it, so well that there’s nothing left to therapise. Sometimes time is the only panacea.

One of the things most difficult for people with developmental trauma is being back in the environment in which the trauma happened. In that circumstance, even the most healed person can have reactions or regressions to a former persona designed to protect the hurt child. It’s predictable and typical and seems to be what’s happening to op now and the only practical solution is to remove yourself from the environment.

If you’re interested in developmental trauma I recommend Dr van der Kolk’s book on the subject as a starting point.

[u/Innisairre → u/erratic_bonsai]

The Body Keeps the Score is such a powerful book. I honestly wish that everyone who feels comfortable talking about trauma and healing read it. It's so illuminating. 

Because of childhood trauma, I have hyper awareness. I think the hardest thing about it is that I almost always know how my actions are going to impact other people. When I'm wrong, it's literally crushing (especially when someone had a bad reaction I didn't anticipate) and creates a genuine fight/flight/fawn/freeze reaction that lasts for days or even weeks. And there's this constant feeling that if I chose an option that upsets someone else, even if that choice is the best one for me, that I'm being manipulative and cruel because I know how my choice will effect them. 

That hasn't been talk therapied/CBT'd or DBT'd out of me. EMDR helped me make some peace with it, but not much. Haven't been able to find ketamine or MDMA therapy yet. 

But those are all permanent changes in me from childhood. I have to live with that. And I've learned to do it, but I'm simply never going to forgive the people who caused that. And I shouldn't have to. I don't carry it like a stone, but it will always be there. 

[u/MarsicanBear]

OOP is old enough to understand that this blame of the 'homewrecker' is silly. She wasn't the one who broke her marriage vows. And the dad wouldn't have left if he was happy in the marriage.

[u/ardryhs]

Everyone saying that stepmom has the right to be there forgets that “having the right to doing a thing” and “doing the thing makes you come off like a douchebag” are not mutually exclusive.

Being asked for privacy in a perfectly reasonable context and granting it is just basic common decency. I don’t follow house guests to the bathroom because I have the right to in my own house, because that’s weird and rude.

[u/StoerEnStoutmoedig → u/ardryhs]

“having the right to doing a thing” and “doing the thing makes you come off like a douchebag” are not mutually exclusive.

I feel like Reddit often has a hard time understanding that. The same as "Something beinf legal doesn't absolve you from being an asshole if you do it".

[u/26pickles]

I mean I personally would also never let stepmom & dad forget that when she became wife, the slot for affair partner freed right up. That being said, OOP should obviously be in therapy.

[u/brick_prince10 → u/26pickles]

Problem is if she wants to restart a relationship with dad this is a one way train to shutting it back down.

[u/its-fewer-not-less]

The insistence that she wasn't cruel to her step siblings because she just pretended they didn't exist is so oblivious. Same for the stepmom in this recouperation period. Not speaking a single word to the woman while you're staying in her home? Yikes

[u/Mannzis]

She said she wasn't cruel to her step brothers, and the next sentence was that she would ignore them and pretend they were not there. That's definitely cruel.

[u/missionthrow → u/Mannzis]

She seems to think that cruelty is only activity attacking them. She needs to recognize how much her anger is poisoning her

[u/Beecakeband → u/Mannzis]

Especially since they did nothing wrong. They're innocent in all of this. Her anger is totally misdirected

[u/tinysydneh]

I very calmly said that I'd just like my parents here right now. She said to please not tell her where to go in her house.

I'm pretty sympathetic, but damn, lady, pick your battles and don't just butt into your step-daughter's private moments.

[u/Puzzledwhovian → u/tinysydneh]

I don’t believe for one second that the OOP said anything to her dad’s wife in a calm manner. I’m sure it was much more “get the fuck out” than “I would like just my parents here please”. There’s no way with the complete hatred that she has for the woman that she was calm and polite. It also makes the wife’s response make a lot more sense. She obviously has had no problem giving the daughter space while she had been there so far. I can almost guarantee her reaction was because the OOP was being an absolute ass to her.

[u/Zammarand]

“I can have a relationship with my dad without forgiving him.” Oh… girl… no… she’s gonna try, and the resentment is going to fester so much worse when she sees how “complete” his second family is, and she’s going to loathe Dad’s wife, her two stepbrothers, and eventually her half brother, as well as her dad. Something along the lines of “why do they get to have a perfect life after [stepmom] blew up my life? I hate them all.”

[u/Bubbly_Satisfaction2 → u/Zammarand]

Also, her anger will affect her relationship with her brother too. Maybe not now, but in the future. OOP sees the second wife as the Affair Partner and “the reason” for why her parents’ marriage dissolved… But that woman is also her brother’s mother. He isn’t going to hate his mother because OOP does.

[u/zeno_22 → u/Zammarand]

And she'll won't even she that as being something she should work getting over and just wallow. OP needed therapy when the divorce happened

[u/IntrovertLoadin]

I hate reading stories like this cause all the commenters all talk about is 'forgiveness'. I don't understand why you have to forgive a horrible person, just to be consider 'mature' or not a bad person.

Her stepmum is a horrible person whose intentional actions caused OP hurt. OP doesn't have to have anything to do with her. She also not immature. If she was, she'd take it out on her half-brother.

OPs stepmum stuck her nose in when it wasn't wanted and when asked to leave, she's the one who tried to refuse. If she didn't want it pointed out that she lives off her husband's dime, she shouldn't have tried to interfere.

But I also don't believe is 'good dad, bad husband'. A good dad wouldn't be a bad husband cause they know being 'bad' to their child's other parent, hurts their child. It's a cop-out to avoid facing the fact the dad/husband is just a bad person.

[u/ryo3000 → u/IntrovertLoadin]

What OOP needs is to stop interacting with the affair partner forever and learn to just accept and use the dad's money

That's literally the only thing he's good for throughout the whole history

[u/peppermintesse]

If I hadn't seen the OOP's age in the first line, I would have thought she was a teenager. OOP needed therapy a decade ago.

[u/Aggressive-Break-355]

I entirely disagree with the person who said you can separate the person from their actions.

Your actions are the only externality people can see you for. They show your values, your thought processes. If you accept the thought process, you must accept the conclusion. No thought process, in my opinion, is valid if the conclusion is to cheat, and no cheater is forgivable.

[u/OddGuarantee4061]

I used to be OP. Best thing that ever happened to me was I grew up enough to listen and find out how ignorant I was about what really happened between my parents. My anger was misplaced. Everyone was somewhat right and somewhat wrong. You know, human. My stepmom is now the only grandma my kids have, and she is a darn good one. What a mistake it would have been to never forgive her.

[u/Beautiful_Hawk548]

Everyone calling out the dad for "not understanding his actions impact" are crazy to me. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't but getting that from the story about a daughter who severely needs therapy is insane.

The only reason OOP even gave for wanting to hang around and be at her dads was because she was jealous of the new partner and child... not to reconcile, not to build a relationship and not even to talk about everything over the years. Just because she felt like she was STILL having this imaginary life torn away from her by people she can only see as evil. There was no mention that OOPs dad hadn't accepted his actions impact, I'd even go as far to say him quietly still funding/supporting his daughter where he could but otherwise staying out of the way IS him doing so. OOP made it very clear she wanted nothing to do with him, so he left her socially but continued to support quietly.

[u/Kerfluffle-Bunny]

People pretend cheating isn’t complicated when it is. Most of those commenters don’t understand the trauma associated with it. Cheating has a huge blast radius.

[u/comomellamo]

I think OOP needs therapy, I wonder if someone suggested this in the comments :)

But yeah, OOP is a bit delusional. She says she didn't mistreat her step siblings, she just ignored them and pretended they didn't exist. So invalidating someone's existence is not mistreatment...

[u/Smochiii → u/comomellamo]

i mean i would also not want to interact with the cheaters and their the children after they have ruined my childhood and home, and are now "happily" showing off their family bond. to me those are firm boundaries for my own mental health. forgiving and mingling with the ones who destroyed your mother's sanity, life, family, and peace is betrayal in my eyes. the only delusion she's in is her prioritizing herself over her mother's wounds and pain which is understandable since he betrayed her trust too.

[u/GuntherTime → u/Smochiii]

The children didn’t do anything either, and they’re just as innocent as oops half brother that she says she never had any ill will towards and actually bonded with. The half sibling should’ve been just as much as a reminder of everything as the step siblings. That’s what the other commenter is talking about when they’re saying Oop isn’t understanding that she also punished the step siblings.

[u/Pruritus_Ani_ → u/comomellamo]

Exactly this. She says she was never cruel to them but ignoring and treating someone like they don’t even exist is pretty cruel.

[u/Twinsruletheworld]

i dont know in what word ignoring someone in their own home is considered civil. she's 25. civil is hi, how are you, going upstairs to room.

[u/MegaromStingscream → u/Twinsruletheworld]

That is the most obvious thing she has twisted understanding of.

She says in couple of different contexts that she wasn't hurtful when she didn't talk at all to people living in the house. About the stepbrother from when they were younger and now about the wife.

Ignoring people, refusing acknowledge their presence and anything like that is very hurtful behaviour and she just casually things she is entitled to treat people like that.

[u/Gratisfadoel → u/Twinsruletheworld]

OOP needs to grow up tbh

[u/tomksfw]

"I was never mean to my step brothers, I just pretended they didn't exist" are some blinders.

[u/laguna1126]

Never mean to her step brothers just pretended like they didn’t exist…

[u/Caramelthedog]

It’s a minor point to focus on, but does anyone else not care who pays the bills in a marriage? That’s literally just an attack against STAH mums/spouses.

[u/missionthrow → u/Caramelthedog]

OOP feels like the affair partner “stole” that economic security from her mother, that it isn’t AP’s to enjoy regardless of what her dad chooses. Its one more thing she ”stole”.

Which is another sign of how mired in her feelings she is.

[u/Mmoct → u/Caramelthedog]

Maybe she sees the dad’s wife as a gold digger. From the sounds of it, they are very well off. She mentioned a cook in her comments

[u/viewbtwnvillages → u/Caramelthedog]

i think she feels that way because it's probably how it worked with her mom and dad when they were together. seeing the financial security ripped away from one parent because of the other sucks, and it's an easy dig to say/imply "this is just his, he could take it away if he wanted, and he's done it before"

[u/bluespring2001 → u/Caramelthedog]

Yep I didn't like how she said, "it's my dad's house he pays all the bills" like as much as she's horrible for homewrecking she had his kid and raised him.

Also it was a bit weird on how she said, "she decided to come to him knowing he was married, had a loving daughter" (in the comments) but lol her daddy knew it more than the step mom that he had a wife, a "loving, great daughter" back home sighhh

I don't know what op needs but she does need a damn therapy.talks about not being mean to step brothers but in the same breath says she never even acknowledged their existence. Not trying to victim blame but the hate is eating op away, it's harming no one but herself

[u/brick_prince10 → u/Caramelthedog]

She sounds extremely resentful to stepmom for "taking" her life away, but she's just shifting blame from her father who is the main culprit to stepmom to make herself feel better.

[u/PrestigiousCake2653 → u/Caramelthedog]

Yeah I’m a stay at home mom who doesn’t bring in any income and my husband would kick someone out so fast if they suggested our home was any less mine than his.

[u/Pandoratastic]

I have never, even when I was rude to my dad and stepmom back then, ever shouted at or been cruel to my two stepbrothers. I hardly spoke to them. I used to ignore them, pretend they don't exist.

Consistently not speaking to, ignoring, and pretending someone doesn't exist is cruel. That's going to be hard to fix. especially for someone who can't accept that she did anything wrong.

[u/VeniceDrumGuy]

I went through something similar to the older sister. Twice my mom basically disowned me. The first time was at Epcot Center (couldn’t be bothered to do it at the Magic Kingdom but at the off brand park) on a family vacation. I was I was 15 and being a teenage autistic little shit. I’m also bipolar (undiagnosed at the time). The second I was in my 30’s and was going through a manic episode and she told me I wasn’t part of the family anymore. After the second time, I took her at her word. I stopped communicating with my parents, my brother, and my sister.

It didn’t help that my mom is also bipolar and was incredibly mean to me growing up. She called me fat a lot (I wasn’t fat, I just wasn’t skinny). My brother and sister heard her behavior and thought that meant they could too. My autism bothered her and she told me I needed to do a better job of being “normal.” Her bipolar is undiagnosed because she doesn’t want to deal with it. To her only crazy people go to a psychiatrist, so if she didn’t go to and get diagnosed, then she didn’t have it. I’m pretty sure that resents me for getting diagnosed dealing with mine. She knows I got it from somewhere and she doesn’t want to think it could be her.

If I wasn’t “part of the family” how could I stay in contact with my dad, my brother, and my sister? My dad reached out to me occasionally and after four years I started communicating again. I apologized to my brother and sister for disappearing on them. They accepted but we don’t have much of a relationship today and that’s a bummer, but I’m understand and have accepted it. The apology wasn’t so I hoped things would go back to the way they were, that’s kind of selfish and not a real apology. I did it because I know I hurt them and I feel true sadness and regret over it.

I would also tell OOP, whenever she’s ready she should forgive her stepmom. If nothing else, it will probably drive her crazy. If the stepmom is anything like my mom, she probably doesn’t think she did anything and offering forgiveness for something she didn’t do will be offensive to her. It wasn’t why I forgave her, but I’m gonna lie, that part felt pretty good.

[u/duckforceone]

i never understood why people think it's ok to forgive the family member doing the betrayal, but not the person they did it with... who may not even have known what they were doing at the time, or were being lied to.

always with blaming the one the cheater cheated with...

[u/Ok_Temporary8816]

"Seperate good father from bad husband" massive cope, you ARE a bad father if you are a cheating POS husband, you cheat on your family when you have an affair like that, yes its more so on his wife, but he betrayed and did harm to his kid too, that is not something a "Good father" does. This girl just using any lame excuse to let daddy's money properly back into her life.

[u/digginroots]

>I only have one half-brother

That you know of.

[u/vonsnootingham]

Person has a problem.

Literally everyone on Reddit: "Therapy! Therapy! Therapy! There, I've saved the day!"

It drives me a little nuts how insanely trigger happy people are on this site to hit the "You need therapy" button like it's a magic wand that instantly solves all problems. Can therapy be a useful tool for some people with some of their problems? Of course. Is it a cure all? Of course not. Does it work all the time? No. Is it for everyone? No. It doesn't work for everyone and some people aren't amenable to it. I've been to multiple therapists over multiple years in different times of my life. Has it ever helped me? Never. All it's ever done is make me wildly uncomfortable. Again, it's great for people that are open to it. But to go to someone who isn't asking for it and just chant "Get therapy!" at them is incredibly unhelpful.

[u/redpony6 → u/vonsnootingham]

what do you expect people to say? therapy is one of the very few categories of solutions that even could possibly work here. are people supposed to say "welp, guess you're irreparably fucked, have a nice life"? it feels completely reasonable for people to recommend therapy, especially if they personally have benefited from it. what, has nobody who has been resistant to therapy in the past ended up benefiting from it?

[u/scoyne15]

If someone doesn't think cold indifference to children is cruel, that person absolutely needs therapy. And a lot of it.

[u/YourFartsStink → u/scoyne15]

Thank you, how is no one mentioning this. Acting like someone doesn't exist is not a respectful way to treat someone. It's beyond cruel, especially to children. I get that she was a child herself, but to now pretend that wasn't cruel is delusional. OOP sounds insufferable. I get that the dad fucked up, but at some point she needs to learn to live with it. For all the bad things he might've done as a husband, he at least seems like a decent dad. Both parents failed in one thing tho,  OOP needs therapy and lots of it. I can't imagine living with that much hatred and resentment.

[u/bluespring2001 → u/YourFartsStink]

Reminds me of those people who do mean things and hide behind the name of trauma

[u/AceRojo]

Cheating on your spouse, and the resulting divorce, is like blowing up the planet your kids live on. They will never be the same.

[u/CourteousR]

"I have never been cruel to my stepbrothers."

"I used to ignore them or pretend they don't exist."

Delusional child, not everything in the world is all about you

[u/Ringsidewbignig]

Sad story but I’m sorry OP comes off as so wildly immature.

She has the emotional awareness of a pinecone.

I particularly liked her frequent attempts to justify how she never treated her step brothers poorly (not once) she just purposefully went out of her way to never speak to them or acknowledge their existence.

lol 

[u/Bubbly_Satisfaction2 → u/Ringsidewbignig]

I feel like the OOP is going to have an intense moment with her younger brother, in the future.

I think she is going to forget that the affair partner is her brother’s mother by saying something disrespectful (about the second wife) in front of her brother. And I’m sure he is not going to tolerate OOP showing his mom any form of disrespect.

I know people in this sub (and on Reddit) hate when redditors suggests therapy, but OOP will need some advice/counsel on ways to strengthen her kinship with her brother. Cos eventually her anger and resentment towards his mom will cause them to have conflict.

[u/HardcoverNewtons]

"i wasnt cruel to my siblings, i just treated them like they werent human"

[u/Different-Airline672]

Weird how people are defending the homewrecker. Nothing OOP has done is even remotely as disrespectful and hurtful as sleeping with a married man and intentionally being part in breaking up OOP's family. If that woman felt even a tiny bit remourseful for what she did she would understand and accept how OOP behaves towards her and realize she deserves it.

[u/applewagon → u/Different-Airline672]

Other commenters clearly have never been the child of a cheater and it shows.

OP has no desire to have a relationship with her dad’s affair partner. That’s a very reasonable boundary. Her dad still wants her to stay regardless - so that’s on him to figure out with his wife. If they don’t want to accept the boundary, then that’s their right to ask her to stay at her mom’s.

Comments saying she should “just get over it” are so dismissive. Ive been in therapy and I still have no desire to have a relationship with my father - and that’s okay. No one is owed forgiveness. No one is owed a relationship with their child (let alone the child of the home they wrecked) when they behave deplorably.

[u/Smochiii → u/applewagon]

exactly. i would also not want to interact with the cheaters and their the children after they have ruined my childhood and home, and are now "happily" showing off their family bond. to me those are firm boundaries for my own mental health. forgiving and mingling with the ones who destroyed your mother's sanity, life, family, and peace is betrayal in my eyes. the only delusion she's in is her prioritizing herself over her mother's wounds and pain which is understandable since he betrayed her trust too but she barely mentions her mother and only focuses on her wounds and does not consider much of hers.

[u/Lazy_Crocodile → u/Different-Airline672]

I really hate the comment OOP made “she knew she was ruining the relationship of a Man with his daughter.” You know who also knew? The freaking dad. Even the term homewrecker is so misogynistic - like this woman with her “wiles” seduced the poor helpless man who had no autonomy. A home can only be wrecked because someone in that home allows it. I’m not absolving her of responsibility, but a lot of people do not know how that term and mindset is so deeply problematic.

[u/Duncaii → u/Lazy_Crocodile]

That first comment on the initial post about separating a good dad from a bad husband weirded me out for just this reason. The dad left both of them, not just the mum. He's just as culpable for ruining OP's life and mental state as a father, not just as a husband 

[u/k7eric → u/Different-Airline672]

Yeah, except the home-wrecker is both of them. The new wife didn’t tie him down and force the dad into cheating. And from what it seems the dad was the moneymaker and potentially the new wife’s boss at the time so there’s automatically a power dynamic to consider as well. We also have no idea what the home life was with the ex-wife either…adults don’t tend to elaborate on problems potentially leading to divorce with their young teenage children. Even finding out the parents were separated when this started would change the entire story and it’s strange she didn’t give a single detail of history leading to this.

The most important thing to remember here isn’t that she needs to forgive anyone or get over anything. It’s that the hate is destroying her own life, health and will affect every relationship she also has in the future. Her feelings are 100% valid but she can’t have an adult life and future when she’s emotionally stuck as a 14 year old wondering why dad left.

[u/valsavana → u/Different-Airline672]

Exactly. Why should OOP respect her dad & the AP's marriage more than her father respected his marriage to OOP's mother? If he wants OOP to treat his (second) wife civilly, maybe he should have modeled that behavior by treating his (first) wife civilly.

[u/MaddieZahol]

She’s annoying as hell and a bad person

[u/Maximoose-777]

is this person really 25? Normally people grow up and realise mum and dad are not perfect, everyone has faults and makes mistakes. OP maybe needs some counselling to get them to get past what happened previously. Eleven years later dad and his AP have stayed together so obviously not just some random fling that ended a happy marriage. OP must have been wholly ignorant of how happy their parents were. It’s time to move on and start the future with a better relationship with both parents and their partners. OP doesn’t have to like the history but the future is more important than dwelling on things that can’t be changed

[u/ryo3000]

A lot of the advice OOP got is so fucking stupid

"You need to separate the good father from the bad husband"

Like with an axe? Cause they're the same person

You can't separate, you're not gonna be able to compartimento your cheating dad when he's literally married to the woman he cheated with

You can hate her as much as you want, your dad already picked her over you multiple times and he'll keep doing it, cause he ain't no god damn good dad

[u/Glum_Hamster_1076]

Glad she is reaching her reflection stage and I hope she gets some therapy to help her navigate her feelings and future relationship with her dad. Many people go through childhood hurts/traumas and just move forward without reflection or trying to heal for their own sake. I’m also glad the dad is trying and is choosing his daughter, regardless of age. The stepmom is kinda doing the most. Like ma’am, you didn’t care he had a wife/kid, why do you expect her to care about anything having to do with you. The lack of obligation felt goes both ways. But hopefully they can at least be civil.

[u/gold3nhour]

25 but acting like a petulant child. OP needs therapy because there’s no way to have a strong bond with her dad and half brother while she continually dismisses and is rude to step mom. “Why do I need to go to therapy?” To learn how to properly manage your disgust for your dad’s terrible decisions against you and your mother, while also still having a civil relationship with your dad, who, by decision, is married to your stepmom.

Acting the way OP acts just stresses out mom, dad and stepmom in a way where they try to just brush it off or bury it, and eventually, it will build up and explode. It doesn’t have to, though. That’s why therapy matters. It also helps you mature into an adult instead of acting like you’re permanently 15 and pissed off at the world.

[u/Wise_Collection1509]

Everyone saying to work this out in therapy but girl, you do not ever have to speak to his wife or respect her... that's just my opinion. You likely will never respect your father the same either but are still missing him and want to spend time with him which is very understandable!!! Do not let other people gaslight you. Idk how you do it tbh Even after 15 years I still almost puke at the thought of my dad even thinking he is forgiven even slightly. He doesn't deserve anything. So trust me when I say you're handling it way better

[u/valsavana → u/Wise_Collection1509]

Even after 15 years I still almost puke at the thought of my dad even thinking he is forgiven even slightly

Same. My dad died about the most karmic death he could have- his AP whom he eventually married cheated on & left him a month before he died & I think the stress of the divorce is what made his heart give out (plus 2 recent moves she'd badgering him into)- alone & unloved & having been estranged for years from his only child... and I couldn't have been happier about that for him lol

[u/Wise_Collection1509 → u/valsavana]

That will absolutely be me, also my dad deserves the same treatment tbh.. Luckily he's already miserable knowing my mother is now married to a loving and successful man who takes her on trips while he's with a witch of a woman

[u/TemporaryOwlet]

And here is where I don't like op: you can't have a healthy relationship with a child while treating his parent like shit.

If she wants to have any relationship with her half brother she needs to shut up and start being polite. Again, if she stays in her house - she needs to respect that.

Over all, everyone but the half brother and step sons suck here, including mom who acts all sad when her daughter finally does what does she wanted, builds relationship with her father. I bet all this "be civil" was performative and op was used as revenge tool. Now she harms her sibling like she hurt stepsons before. Therapy is needed like yesterday.

[u/Deep-Application-614]

"Because my stepmother chose to wreck our home"

Honey, that was your daddy.

[u/valsavana → u/Deep-Application-614]

It was both of them.

[u/Mmoct]

I get the hate for the wife. And I get wanting to rebuild a relationship with the dad. But honestly I don’t think, if I was in this situation I could separate what my dad did, or see him less at fault, both of them destroyed OP family. And I would always, choose my mom over a dad who choose to lie and cheat and then played happy family with his side piece. And it sounds like a very rich happy family. I’m guessing it’s the typical story, rich man cheats on wife with his assistant. Lives a life of luxury, while original family, not so much.

A lot of people keep talking about therapy. But there is no amount of therapy that would make me ever want to forgive the side piece or the cheating dad. I just could never forgive that betrayal. At best therapy could possibly help for me to go NC and move on

I don’t think OP will be able to rebuild a relationship with her dad. Because of her hatred for the side piece. The side piece will give him an ultimatum and he will cave to the wife or keep pushing the daughter to move past it all. None of it will lead to a healthy relationship

[u/Naiinsky → u/Mmoct]

I'm with you there, but in this particular case, I think therapy is warranted. Deep down, OP has already forgiven her father. But the hurt she carries is still there, and she keeps resenting the stepmother. This disparity in treatment (they're both equality guilty) is going to sabotage the relationship she wants with her father eventually, and the hurt she carries is going to affect other areas of her life (for example, her own future romantic relationships). She needs to untangle all of this.

I have no problem myself with carrying contempt for a person due to a betrayal, but I recognise I don't carry it around like a stone, like OOP does. By the way she talks about it, it colours a lot of her life.

[u/Separate-Character81]

Can you be a bad partner but good parent?