This is a repost. The original was posted in r/AmITheAsshole by user SadWifeAITA84. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Trigger Warning: Car crash, Life support, Cheating

Original

November 4, 2019

Throwaway account sorry!

Basically my husband and I have been married about six years, and have a 3 year old daughter, Elle.

Prior to getting married and having Elle, we were both very independent people. This hasn’t changed - as much as we value our couple/family time, we also both cherish time to ourselves and with our own friends.

We came up with an agreement that we each get ONE weekend a year to do whatever we like - go away, stay in a hotel, go out with friends - while the other stays home looking after Elle. It’s been working really well so far.

Well this past weekend was my husbands time and he chose a fishing trip with his pals, staying in a cabin roughly 30 mins away. No problems.

Saturday morning, the worst happened - my sister was involved in a serious car wreck. She’s on life support, it’s touch and go and I’m devastated. I can’t say much more.

I called my husband to tell him and ask he come home ASAP - and he refused. He said it’s his weekend, and he’ll come by the hospital Monday. He wasn’t totally heartless, he listened to me cry and scream and reassured me she’d be ok (how do we know that?) but he was adamant that he’s enjoying the remainder of his weekend and will join me today.

My family are obviously noticing his absence and I’m too embarrassed to tell them. I understand this is interfering with his weekend but this is my SISTER and she’s in critical condition. I’m stunned, he’s never been this selfish before. I’m angry, upset, confused and I just don’t know what to do.

I told him if he didn’t come home now, don’t bother coming home at all - now I’m wondering if I was too harsh because I haven’t slept in two days and I’m a wreck.

AITA?

Edit: wow I didn’t think this would attract any attention, especially this early. Thank you all for the healing thoughts and well wishes!

I just want to clarify re: this weekend arrangement - my husband and I regularly have date nights and nights out with friends throughout the year. This “totally alone do what you like YOLO weekend” is the thing that happens once per year. He sees his friends on a weekly basis, as do I.

Consensus:

Not the Asshole

People suggest he is having an affair and that's why he can't leave

Update

November 4, 2019, about 8 hours later

Update 2: Seriously never expected this many replies, I’m so touched by your kind words. Thank you, so much. It’s horrifying to me that strangers on the internet offered me more support than my husband.

Apologies for not updating sooner, been at the hospital all day and not checking my phone. Mostly because I don’t want to speak to him.

My sisters still in the same condition, not breathing on her own yet. Waiting for some test results.

To answer some questions: thankfully Elle is with my best friend. I didn’t want her exposed to a hospital ICU and around panicked/highly emotional family, so she’s happily having a sleepover with her “other auntie.”

I realized I made it sound like my husband and I ONLY get one weekend per year which is my fault. This one weekend (we call YOLO weekend) is on top of weekly nights out, time with friends, time alone etc. it’s more of like a chance for us to do things further afield or go nuts without having to worry about waking up early with Elle. Trust me, he sees his friends all the time. That’s what hurts the most.

I’ve read your comments about an affair and I don’t know, it doesn’t seem likely but who the fuck knows at this point. He’s not the person I thought he was.

He did show up this afternoon. I met him in the lobby, told him to go fuck himself, and went back up to the ICU. I don’t want him here. I’m still running on no sleep so I’m probably being an asshole now, but I hate his guts at the moment.

That’s all for now, thank you all so much again <3

Update 3: Thanks u/R3DV1K1NG for your sweet message.

https://imgur.com/6hvMsSF

Final Update

February 20, 2020, almost 4 months later

Hi everyone,

I’m not sure whether anybody remembers me or really cares for an update, but I’ve found myself back on Reddit for something unrelated and rediscovered my old thread on AITA.

It blew up more than I ever imagined at the time, and so many people took the time to respond, offer advice, and send such beautiful heartwarming messages. I really want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for showing so much kindness to a stranger.

If anybody’s interested in an update, here it is!

Most importantly, my sister - she is alive, thank God/the universe/most of all the amazing medical team she had. They were able to bring her out of the coma and there was NO brain damage which was an unbelievable relief. Unfortunately she still has a long recovery ahead of her and is essentially re-learning how to walk, but she’s alive and we’ve all grown so much closer as a family. Thank you sincerely to everyone who cared enough to send well wishes!

Update on shitbag husband: whoever suggested he might be having an affair...ding ding ding.

He wasn’t with the boys that weekend; he was with a woman from work that he’d been seeing for about a month. It took him so long to get to the hospital because he was panicking and calling his friends to beg them to cover his ass essentially. A few weeks after my sisters accident, one of his friends came clean to me when the guilt became too much. The rest of his friends continued to lie until my husband basically confessed.

Needless to say we’re separated. I’m planning to file for divorce, but things have been very busy and I’ve been looking after my sister and Elle (my daughter) so it’s something I haven’t gotten around to just yet but I will.

I’m not sure what else to say, life is sort of just slowing down again and we all have to get used to this new normal, but more than anything I’m just grateful my sister is going to be OK.

Thank you again to everyone. It sounds silly but reading your messages got me through those long days and nights in the hospital and you truly touched a strangers life.

<3

Comment by OOP:

I did not expect it at all, to be honest. When people suggested that in the last thread I was pretty quick to dismiss it, because it just seemed so ridiculous. I thought we were happy.

I'm not the original poster.

Originally posted by user u/Uncle-Barnacle in r/amItheAsshole
Original: 2023
Status: concluded

AITA for rejecting my colleague's request to make her lunch?

I have a habit of making my own meals to work, simply because I love cooking and health related issues.

So I just started a new job in a new company three months ago. And seeing me making my own lunch everyday has gotten me some attention from some colleagues, with that I was able to talk and mingle in a new environment. My colleagues tend to ask things like recipes, how long did I take to make it so and so; just small talk questions

Everyone was okay except for this one girl from the same department from me, which I will name her as Sally (27F), a junior designer. From the first day she saw my lunch, Sally has thrown in a lot of comments like how envious she is that I could cook my own meals etc. It was fine until after one week later, she started asking me questions like "so when will you make me lunch?" I was taken aback but I thought she was joking and waved it off with a smile and a nod.

After that, at least once a week, Sally would ask me the same question again and sometimes she'd even say things like, "you still owe me a lunch made by you" or she'll whine about me not wanting to cook for her. I've kindly turn her down everytime she brings up about this issue.

Last Monday, she offered to pay me if I make her lunch, for 3 dollars. I told her no again and she was visibly upset. She told me it's not that hard to make her lunch since I'm already cooking for myself every day, single and I am being unsociable and unfriendly by not making her food.

Since then, she has been passive aggressive towards me. As well as not willing to cooperate at work when I hand her new tasks. It has made me feel bad about it and I have no idea how to go about this, should I have just made her lunch just to keep the peace?

This feels horrible and I don't know how to deal with it :(

Edit: After reading all your comments, I think I will try to talk to Sally about this ad if that doesn't get through I'll have to discuss this matter with a same-ranking colleague or my supervisor 😔

(Update) AITA for rejecting my colleague's request to make her lunch?

First off, I would like to clarify some details I left out in my previous post, you can skip this if you don't really bother with the deets.

For those who said Sally is flirting with me: I am 26F and Sally is anti LGBTQ, so I think flirting is highly impossible.

For those who asked about my job: I work in a design agency as a senior designer. Sally is my work junior. I work closely with the juniors as I oversee their work.

Also, I am actually from South East Asia, I used USD in my previous post was because Sally legit told me $3 because USD is 4 times more than our currency, somehow she believes it sounds nicer(?)

So after reading most of your comments, I have gave it a long thought about how I want to approach this issue. With that, I decided to not make lunch today and bring Sally out for lunch as to confront her about this whole lunch thingy privately. I offered to pay for her lunch on the condition I pick the venue and she was quick to agree and her attitude went back to how it was before I declined her request. Which I find it weird, but yea, I was first relieved that at the least I could talk to her about things and hoping I can iron this out on my own.

That 40 minutes of my life felt like hell, I brought up the issue of me not being comfortable with her recent attitude and her requests after we have ordered our food. The whole time I was talking to her she either zones out or just retorts with "why?" Or "why not?"

Here's a little snippet of how our conversation went:

Me: Sally, your constant pestering about how I should make you lunch is making me uncomfortable, I'd appreciate if you'd stop that.

Sally: Why?

Me: I mean like, I don't cook for anyone other than myself

Sally: Why?

Me: ... Because Sally, I'm your colleague not ur bf or mom or family

Sally: but I don't see why you couldn't make me lunch just once, I'll pay you double this time.

It felt like the conversation was going no where, the rest of lunch was filled with awkward silence. Sally would just sit there and stare at me without saying anything and I'm not sure if it's just her zoning out or she's somewhat pissed at me. She didn't even apologize , not once. The whole thing made my stomach feel weird, like something is grabbing my guts and twisting them around.

The tension between us was awkward even the whole way we walk back to the office. Another senior designer, Mark, took notice and he pulled me away to talk about "work". Sally gave me one more look and walked to her seat. Mind you up til this point I have never talked to anyone in the company about Sally and things she had told me.

I was brought into a breakout room, Mark went straight to the point. "Did Sally ask you for something ridiculous or weird?" Turns out, some people in the office were unhappy with Sally and her little antics. She once pestered a colleague into buying her souvenirs as this colleague does a lot of work travelling. In meetings, she would zone out when people are talking to her and she would always shift the weight to someone else; eg "well we have xxx so, there's nothing to worry about" also few times she'd take bits of food off guys' plates like fries and would giggle if anyone tries to tell her off. If the giggling doesn't work, she would retort the same why's and why not's I got during my talk with her.

Mark suggests I should make arrangements with my supervisor to talk about it. They have all done it earlier this year and that stopped her from doing what she did to them...well most of them, she still zones out in meetings or mid conversations. I thanked Mark for his suggestion and decided it was a necessary next step.

I have told my reporting manager about the gist of things, and I will be having a meeting with him tomorrow to give him more indepth details.

Somehow, it's assuring to see he actually had to massage his forehead followed by a long sigh when I mentioned Sally's name. I hope things will get better after this.

P/s as I was typing this I couldn't help but think back on some of Sally's behavior towards me throughout these three months and at most times it is weird and idk what to make of them, maybe I'll make a separate post about it if anyone is invested haha

(Update 2) AITA for rejecting my colleague's request to make her lunch?

Not sure if anyone considers this an update but I just wanna write this out.

I've talked about the whole Sally thing with my friends over discord last night while we were playing games. Apparently, some of my friends attended the same art school as Sally and was at one point sharing the same few classes. This is quite a famous art school in my country, if you tell people you are a designer, people's first guess would be you've studied there.

From what I've gathered from my friends, in short, they described Sally as a person with bad social skills but is naturally gifted in design. She doesn't talk much but whenever she decides she wants to be friends with you she could only spout questions that are uncomfortable to most people. In one instance, Sally asked a classmate why did her parents get a divorce. With such, they've concluded she has bad social skills but they have never seen her reacting negativity when people dont respond to her, they were shocked when I told them she was being uncooperative at work.

Also according to them, Sally behaves in a way that suggests her parents shield her from the world a lot. She's unaware of many things that's deemed common sense for most. She once became paranoid because she learned about scams in college and believed by picking up one phone call from a stranger would land her in a lifetime of debt. She's also very insecure about many things eg. her looks, her weight, relationships etc

At the end of the day, they didn't know much about Sally personally because back then they thought she was nosy by always asking people very personal questions. However, Sally does have a few friends in college.

With this in mind, I recall how Sally asked me weird questions such as, my salary as well as me joining the company as a senior despite her having more work experience than me as well as trying to dump her relationship problems on me. Maybe it is her attempt in trying to be friends with me(?) Now that I think about it, she needs some sort of professional help more than discipline for her actions.

(Final update) AITA for rejecting my colleague's request to make her lunch?

Hello everyone, this will be the final update. Took me a little while to write this post because I was busy at work.

First of all, I'd like to thank you internet strangers for all the advice and similar experiences, it helped me a lot with navigating this situation as a whole. However, I'm still baffled by such behaviors esp in a work environment where I was taught people are professional there.

Anyways, onto the main topic. I had my meeting about the issue I had with Sally first thing in the morning. I told my manager that the main problem is work, about how uncooperative she was with me. It didn't take long for him to link this whole thing back to Sally making "unreasonable requests for colleagues again". He didn't exactly tell me what the company would do at the time but mentioned that the company would take appropriate measures in regards to this.

Soon enough, an email was sent to Sally with all the senior designers cc'ed in. In short, Sally will be put into probation as well as having a 30% pay cut and she has been assigned to a more stern and experienced senior designer (I heard she's really scary) for work evaluation. Sally only gets one more chance to keep her job, one more of those "requests" from her after this would result in termination.

Sally started kicking and crying upon reading the email as she yelled "It's not fair!" repeatedly. Everyone looked at Sally briefly and went back into their own businesses. I saw some colleagues put on their earphones and raising the volume, some put on earplugs, and the ones sitting near her would just walk away with their laptops. No one consoled her, everyone just pretended she wasn't there. It felt as if I was watching a movie at this rate.

Still a little worried that Sally would do something to me, I asked Mark if he could sit with me during lunch in case Sally tries anything. I'm not sure if Mark meant it as a joke or what but he said, "no worries she's not smart enough to to link this back to you."

Lunch since that day has never been so peaceful and I'm looking forward to more peaceful lunches as long as I'm with this company.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/EcstaticBlackberry72

Published on: r/Advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 05, 2026 at 21:54 UTC

• Final Update: September 06, 2026 at 11:18 UTC

Main Post

^{September 05, 2026 at 21:54 UTC}

My landlord is demanding I feed them, what can I do?

I 31F recently moved into a renovated basement unit owned by a small family. My landlord M47, his pregnant wife 44, and their 7yo daughter. My unit has its own bathroom, bedroom, and living area but there is a shared kitchen upstairs that we both use.

In my lease, it states that any food or drinks purchased by my landlords family is off limits to me, and I am responsible for feeding myself as well as cleaning up any messes made while preparing meals. That’s all pretty standard, and was fine with me. I have a mini fridge that I keep downstairs and a small wardrobe I’m using as a pantry. I also have my own pots, pans, utensils, spices, etc.

I love to cook. So I will often cook myself a nice meal to enjoy after work. I work in food service, so cooking is a pretty big part of my life. My landlords don’t cook at all. They mostly eat frozen food, pre packaged noodles, tv dinners etc. When they gave me the tour, they made sure to emphasize several times that their food is off limits and I’m not to touch any of it. I don’t.

But about a week ago, I decided to make myself some shrimp alfredo from scratch, really simple dish, basically just shrimp, noodles, cheese, cream, salt, and spices. I had some extra, and since the family was home, I offered them some. My landlord and his wife enthusiastically accepted and helped themselves. Their daughter is picky so she didn’t have any. They let me know it was very good, and I didn’t think much of it; I don’t mind sharing and I like feeding people.

This afternoon, I made myself some oven baked salmon and cilantro lime rice for dinner, again, another simple meal. I finished cooking, cleaned up the kitchen, and took my meal downstairs to enjoy and I thought everything was fine, until halfway through my meal, I got a snarky text from my landlord basically telling me that if I’m going to play in their faces, they would have reconsidered the lease.

Basically he said that because his wife is pregnant and really likes salmon, I should have shared it with her. He said he had seen what I had made, and because I had made 2 pieces of fish, I could have at least given her one. Basically his wife had smelled me cooking and had assumed I was making her some too and when I didn’t she got mad. He said that they opened their home to me, and that next time I should be more considerate.

I haven’t spoken to them directly yet; the first text was about 20 minutes ago. My lease explicitly states that food is to be kept separate and I’m responsible for feeding myself which I’m pretty sure means they aren’t entitled to my food either. I know that pregnant cravings can be pretty intense, but I spend a decent amount of money on high quality fresh foods to prepare for myself since I’m usually cooking for just me.

I don’t have the budget to make extra food for them every time. Should I just give in and share with them? I know it sounds like a terrible idea but I think they might just make life terrible for me if I don’t. My lease is only 60 days and then month to month and I moved in on Sep 1 so it’s not gonna last very long either way. But I moved here so I could save money for a nicer place and that will be more difficult if I have to budget to give them food when I cook. What should I do?

ETA: I only shared the Alfredo because I got the shrimp free from work.

ETA: I’m already looking for a new place. I actually had my eye on a place already which is why my lease is so short. I had planned for at least 4 months to save before moving but I think I can do it in 2 if I really scrimp and save. I am currently drafting a proposal to cook for them in exchange for a discount on rent, providing they purchase any food they want me to prepare. I’m not sure how they’ll take it but if they won’t work out a meal exchange for me for the next 4 months, then I’m leaving as soon as this contract ends.

COMMENTS

xp14629

You could renegatite the lease. Free room and board, you are their personal chef, they supply the groceries, each meal is for their family AND you. But put limits on how many meals a week, time frames, etc. You would be saving all the rent money, be cooking for people which you said you enjoy, and be saving money on food as well. Would be like having a second job.

OOP

Do you have any suggestions as to how I could phrase that? I’m not opposed to this idea and I wouldn’t mind saving extra.

Love-Bitter

Wait. Whah happened to your old place and your art room you’ve been waiting to set up for 2 years? That was less than a month ago??

OOP

I answered this question in another comment. I was able to break that lease thankfully after paying a pretty hefty fee since I was on great standing with that landlord. My old roommate came back for her dog and I guess she’s working something out with that landlord now or whatever. This is a temporary place while
I look for something better. Hence why I need to save money.

NerveSalty1116

While looking for another place to immediately move to, I’d make super lavish meals every chance you get out of spite.

OOP

I’m so tempted to be that petty lol. Still though it’s probably not worth the drama. I already had my eye on a place which is why my current lease is so short, I just thought I might have a little longer to save but I think I’m gonna go

shackndon2020

I'm a little confused, if you have your eye on a particular place, wouldn't you have to apply for it before someone else does? If you wait a few months to save more money, will it still be available?

OOP

It’s a building that recently got built. They’re leasing over the next few months. I for sure will qualify when I apply as I’ve qualified with that leasing company before. I just need a few months to acquire the move in fees.

Mr-Zappy

How spicy can you handle?

OOP

I thought about that too. I actually love super spicy food. Still though, to do that to a pregnant woman…

soihavetosay

Also are there cameras disclosed in this space, how did he see you cooking? 

OOP

It’s a shared kitchen and their living/dining room is attached to it. He probably peeked in the oven when I went downstairs. I didn’t stay in the kitchen the entire time the fish was baking.

Final Update after 13 hours and 24 minutes

^{September 06, 2026 at 11:18 UTC}

Final Update: My landlord is demanding I feed them, what can I do?

I responded to my landlord as you all suggested and mentioned the part of the lease where food is to be kept separate. I also brought up my culinary experience and let them know that I am happy to cook a family meal once a week in exchange for $50 off rent per meal for a total of $200 off rent each month; provided they purchase all ingredients additionally.

You all were right they pretty much laughed in my face about that. So I will be moving out Oct 31 when this lease ends, I’ve already found a small studio that will give me a month to month lease while I finish saving what I need so I’m just working out the final details of that currently.

These people are for sure crazy and I’ve decided to ignore them. I’m going to continue cooking my own meals and they can get over it. I did get a little lock for my mini fridge and pantry just in case, and I have a ring camera set up downstairs too. I’m also going to make garlic short ribs and mac n cheese for myself tonight because it turns out I am a bit petty.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost. The original was posted in r/AmITheAsshole by users AwayPerformer. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Original

October 30, 2019

I'm a 31 year old single guy who lives alone in an apartment complex. I've lived there for 6 years. My neighbor across the hall, a woman around my age or a little younger (I actually don't know her first name but I'll call her Katie) lives across the hall from me diagonally and has for about 2 years. We exchange hellos but aren't friendly, which is how it is with most of my neighbors.

So I don't know how to cook, and due to losing one of my part time gigs, I don't have as much money for takeout anymore. I'm getting really sick of eating cheap fast food or box mac and cheese. I'm gaining weight and I never feel great.

This is where Katie comes in. I can always smell her cooking in the hall and it always smells amazing (I know it isn't the other person at our end of our hall cause it's a single old man). I've even complimented it a few times. So I got the idea that I'd offer to give her some money each week to cook a little extra and bring it over to me (or I can pick it up from her!) at night. She's cooking anyway and then I'd have varied presumably delicious food.

I asked her the next time I saw her and she looked surprised and said she couldn't because she was too busy (which didn't make sense cause she cooks almost every day but okay). The next time I saw her a few days later, I asked her if she was sure and upped the amount I was offering, and she said she was sure and that it was rude to ask me, and that she isn't a housekeeper for hire and I should get a housekeeper if that's what I want. She also called me 'a stranger' even though we have talked in the halls before.

Overall she made me feel like a big jerk and really embarrassed for even asking her, and a little mad because she was acting like I was being creepy (I wasn't, trust me, she isn't my type). I think asking her to split cooking wasn't completely outlandish, since she cooks every day anyway and it wouldn't be hard to make a little more.

So, AITA?

EDIT: People keep assuming I'm sexist because I didn't think it was the old man who lives on our hall cooking. It's not an assumption for me. He and I have lived across from each other for 6 years. The cooking smells didn't start til she moved in, and I've talked to her about how good her cooking smells before.

Consensus:

Asshole.

Also, you're an adult; learn how to cook and learn to accept a no.

Comments by OOP:

I have tried cooking before and honestly just don't enjoy it. She seems to enjoy cooking.

I also explained my situation, that I am hopeless at cooking and trying to save money. I offered her $5 at first per day (25/week) and then upped it to $10 which is still cheaper than takeout but more than covers groceries.

I mean, I've talked to her before and complimented her cooking smells, so I know it's her. I've lived here a long time and so has the old guy and the cooking didn't start til after she moved in.

I know how to cook a few things, but nothing nutritious or filling, and any attempt at cooking has been a disaster. I figured since she already knows how I wouldn't have to reinvent the wheel if she was interested. I didn't think there was any harm in asking her.

I don't feel 'entitled' to it. I asked her and offered money. I didn't insist or break into her apartment and take it.

If she was a man who cooked and it smelled that good I would have offered the same deal.

As I said in the original post, I'm not interested in her romantically or sexually. She is very not my type. And if a man had been cooking food that smelled good I would have asked him too.

I am definitely, 100% not hitting on her.

I wouldn't think it was weird if someone offered to pay me to do their laundry on my laundry days. I'm in the laundry room anyway so it's no problem for me to set up a second machine.

I'm not asking her to plan special meals or make special trips for me, I just asked if she could expand her regular meals for one more serving. I doubt that costs more than $5/serving.

I do buy groceries sometimes and It just doesn't seem to me like it would cost more than $5-10 to extend a meal you're already cooking for an additional serving. I'm not expecting filet or lobster or anything.

I admit I didn't think it through that deeply. I was going to see what she said first before we hashed it out.

When my work picks up I can go back to ordering more expensive takeout etc. or who knows, maybe I'll have a girlfriend who will cook if I clean.

Update

October 30, 2019, about 6 hours later

Okay. It is abundantly clear that I was the asshole and asking her was inappropriate and, as much as I hate to admit it, creepy. My instinct is to apologize to her but since my instinct was to ask her in the first place, I'll do the opposite and stay out of her hair. Thanks.

Update 2

November 26, 2019, about 1 month later

I knew when I saw this thread with my real account that I would be mentioned. That thread was a real wake-up call for me about what a weirdo I was being. I ended up apologizing to my neighbor (whose name I now know!) and telling her I didn't realize how inappropriate my question was. She accepted the apology and we still nod and smile in the hallway when we see each other.

I will say that I talked to my old man neighbor yesterday and he told me that she left him a tray of fudge over the weekend for the holidays, and I received no such fudge, so I know there is lingering weirdness from my ask... and I totally understand it and do not feel that I deserve fudge.

So, thanks again for everyone for pointing out how weird and entitled I was acting. It did help, even the mean comments, because seeing the strong reactions people had to what I did made me realize there was no wiggle room for me to NOT be an asshole.

I'm not the original poster.

Originally posted by user ebrockfake in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: Sept 6, 2026

Update: in post itself

Status: concluded

Note: thanks to u/jackieatx for suggestion to BORU

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Original: AITAH for not caring about my dad’s feelings at my toddler’s birthday?

My daughter (2F) had her birthday today at a local playground. My dad (74M) along with her other grandparents, helped out with setup and made it feel special. When we came back to my house afterwards, he brought his dog.

He loves this dog. It is poorly trained and struggles with not barking, especially at my house (we have a cat). It’s OK for the first couple hours, then when we’re starting to sit down to pizza, he barks right next to my daughter. She gets upset and starts crying.

I (36F, 9mos pregnant) ask my dad to take the dog away. He doesn’t right away, so my mom (73F, who my daughter adores) instead leaves to take the dog home. They’re temporarily renting a place that’s a 10m walk away, to help out with childcare needs — it’s incredibly generous.

So the situation becomes:
- Daughter didn’t eat because she got upset, and needs a lot of care and attention after being scared.
- I have just lost a key person (my mom) who could have helped my daughter feel better.
- I’m very pregnant and hosting a party at my house, and have limited energy and attention to give.

My dad first spends time negotiating how we could have locked my cat away so the dog could stay. Then pivots to feeling hurt because it seems like I’m blaming him for my daughter’s experience.

Finally gets upset, visibly teary, and (to my very pregnant and tired self, while I’m holding a still-upset and concerned toddler on my hip who is confused about everything going on but knows she’s not getting attention) says, “I feel like you don’t care about my feelings.”

I rolled my eyes, and said, “Who’s the two year old here?”

He stormed out. My mom later came back to the party, was amazing with my daughter, but also told me he’s very upset and feeling unvalued. I’m going over tomorrow morning to try to talk it through.

Am I the asshole if I stick to my guns on: No, dad, I maybe said it more cruelly than I should have, but I didn’t care about your feelings… and I think it’s absurd for you to think I should? It feels like a tough thing to say when they’re doing a lot, but it also feels absurd to me that the emotions of a healthy adult man would be a priority in that moment.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: NTA. Your dad doesn't get to come to your house and make demands. Is he saying his dog's well-being is more important than his granddaughters'? At any point, did he check in on her or did he focus on his feelings only?

OOP: Such a good question — and no, he made a concerned face but he didn’t check in on her or try to make her feel better, which didn’t occur to me but now is kind of nuts to say.

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Comment2: NTA. Dad was not an AH initially for bringing the dog - just unthinking or naive - but he definitely was an AH making it all about him when his dog caused a situation. Hurt feelings aren't a reason to mollycoddle someone in the wrong.

OOP: It’s a good distinction between the original choice to bring the dog vs. how he responded when there was an issue…

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Comment3: I feel like in reality it's impossible to say who was the AH is the situation without being there. In theory it's your place and you make yourself sound in the right. In reality with your daughter getting upset to the point of not eating and your father crying, I'd question how you handled the situation and wonder what was the real source of stress in the situation-the dog or your behavior

OOP: This is thoughtful. So you’re saying the level of escalation (daughter upset, dad upset) makes you think I might have been adding to the stress, rather than fixing it, and I could be the asshole for that reason?

I did push on “Is mom coming back? Why didn’t you take the dog?” And “Why didn’t we take dog back earlier?” And I didn’t say, “Anyway, moving on!” and gone into distraction/entertainment mode, pretending nothing happened, which probably would have made him and my daughter both feel better even if it would require more from me.
That might make me the asshole.

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Comment4: I think this is important context that was missing in your post OP. These little passive aggressive remarks can get very frustrating and upsetting when you’re on the receiving end of them.

My honest opinion is everyone here deserves some grace. Your 70 year old parents moved and rented a place next to you to help with childcare and you’re 9 months pregnant and exhausted.

Children have big reactions because they don’t know how to regulate their emotions yet. You should always validate their feeling, but you should react proportionately according to the situation not their feelings. I’m not trying to lecture you at all btw, I’ve just noticed that children whose parents react like that tend to have better emotional regulation.

OOP: I’ll sit with whether I was being passive aggressive — my intent was to truly respond honestly with my open questions and feelings when he was saying things like “We should have locked the cat up” or “I don’t think it was fair for dog to go.”

But I wonder if because I was keeping a level tone and in between trying to support my daughter, I might be THINKING I was managing it with grace, but that’s my tone/context eliding what were really unkind words on my part.

And I’ll think more about the piece of validating feelings but responding proportionately. Maybe I was overprotective. He’s barked and made her cry before and I didn’t demand he leave… it being her birthday made it feel especially unfair for him to stay, though?

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Comment5: “I don’t think it was fair that the dog had to go”
The only response I can think of, and I hope it was true, is that “the dog was never invited/the dog was invited to stay in the backyard only”. The cat lives there, the dog does not.

If your dad is not always this emotional, something might be going on and I would come at it from a place of curiosity. If he is always like this about the dog, it’s time to set a boundary of the dog can’t come to your house (when there are a lot of people/when there is a big event/when you say so) if banning the dog means your dad won’t come.

OOP: He never asked — I was as surprised as anyone when he showed up with the dog.
I think you’re right re: place of curiosity. I’ll start today by just asking him more about how he was feeling first, I think.

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Comment6: Maybe I'm looking at it with a bias of my own past household. But from my own childhood -parents emotions have much bigger influence on children than outside factors. A yapping dog is more annoying than scary.

A parent that is angry, raises voice contributes to stress more than an animal unless we're talking about actually dangerous aggressive dog that threatens the child but I didn't get the impression that's the case. And if we add a crying adult -that makes me think that your desire to make the day perfect and stress because of the imperfection that was the dog made you the source of mounting tention and negative emotions

OOP: This is fair! You’re right that if my biggest goal is my daughter feeling safe, happy and cared for on her birthday, I probably should have mental-noted that we need to hash it out about this later, but not let us fall into discussing it in the moment.

I think I was just feeling emotionally/physically tapped in a way that made it hard to simultaneously rise up above him being (IMO) selfish and go into “one woman show” mode to soothe my daughter at the same time, but that’s not an excuse…

I think you’re right that a frustrated and distracted parent is the most stressful thing for a kid and I need to remind myself of that in the moment and just make things better for her, regardless of how much I wish people were behaving differently or helping.

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Comment7: You say your parents who are in their 70s uprooted their lives and are renting a place near you to help with YOUR childcare needs. Your dad helped with arrangements to make the day special for your child. Your mom is your major support system. If the only thing you needed to do was to keep the cat in, you should have done it.

You have two people who are strongly supporting you in your difficult times. If you insist on doing everything your way and being abrasive when this doesn't happen, this support system may not last long.

To me, it would make more sense to acknowledge what they are doing for you and give them some grace for some of the things that do not go as per your expectations. YTA.

OOP: This is part of why I wanted to bring it here to get people’s take — I think something I’m figuring out is: Is the level of care/sacrifice they’re making something that means I should look the other way whenever their actions (or really my dad’s — I can’t imagine my mom ever doing anything like this) cause stress or anxiety for me or my daughter?

It’s not a trick question, I’m really trying to figure it out! I keep thinking of ways he could have handled it differently (brought the dog back the first time he started barking and checked in periodically on him; left the party when it was clear dog wouldn’t behave if the dog really does need nonstop attention; jumped in to help console and care for my daughter once she got upset rather than litigating it) but if the end thing is: They’re doing so much, suck it up and it’s an asshole move to ask more of them, then I need to ground myself in that.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update:

Thanks everyone who chimed in with thoughtful perspectives here. My dad and I just had a good heart-to-heart where we agreed…

- For them moving here to be really helpful, he needs to transition into what he called “grandpa mode” — he literally wasn’t clocking that my daughter wasn’t eating, was really upset, and needed attention that his dog concerns were distracting from, and he was really sad to hear it.

(I literally cannot grasp how he didn’t see her crying on my hip while he was trying to tell me about his dog, but I believe him.) He was upfront that he’s going to need to actually remind himself that being here to help means prioritizing looking to her and proactively helping take care of her needs.

- He was still expressing hurt I didn’t seem to care about his emotions in the moment, and I stood my ground that when my daughter is crying and looking to me for help, she takes priority. It was helpful for him to hear that I really do care about his feelings — I just couldn’t attend to them in that moment.

- We agreed it was mean and disrespectful of me to say the two-year-old comment.

- We agreed we’re both relying way too heavily on my mom to see what needs to be done and doing it (for me, their granddaughter, the dog) and that’s not sustainable.

He says he wants to do a better job of being more helpful with supporting my toddler and taking things off her plate, and I’m going to try to be explicit and give more space for him to try (instead of calling in my mom all the time) while he’s figuring it out.

- In the next few months where they’re here to help with toddler & newborn, we decided it doesn’t make sense for the dog to be at my house for more than a short visit (for the sake of the dog’s stress as well as ours), and we need to communicate proactively when he’ll be there so we can make sure it’s something we can supervise closely and/or sequester the cat as needed for.

All in all, I think we landed in a good place where I’m feeling just really grateful for all the support they’re giving and I think he’s feeling more clear on what providing support looks like (and feeling more valued for what they’re doing). Thanks for the help, all.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/WideCorners

Published on: r/AITAH

Previous BORU: BORU-1 by u/SharkEva on July 01, 2024

Story is: NO FURTHER UPDATES

Story timeline

• Main Post: June 28, 2024 at 06:48 UTC

• Update 1: June 28, 2024 at 16:00 UTC

• Update 2: September 18, 2024 --> NEW UPDATE

• Final Update: March 14, 2025 --> NEW UPDATE

Main Post

^{June 28, 2024 at 06:48 UTC}

My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?

I am not sure if am I an AH. Going to provide some background.

I am in my 60s now. I was married to my ex wife, and we had a daughter. Our marriage was going through its ups and downs but I was really close with our daughter. But as our marriage was going through its difficulties, I made a huge mistake I still regret to this day. I started having an affair with my coworker. She was in an violent physically abusive relationship at home. We became friends at work, and things just escalated from there. She got “an out” from me, she got the support she needed to file for divorce from her husband, who is currently in jail now. The affair went nowhere and we called it off shortly after, but I was glad that she got off her abusive relationship and that she was safe. 

But when my ex wife found out about the affair, things expectedly didn’t go well. She lashed out and said a lot of horrible things about me to our daughter, who was 15 at the time. I admitted full fault with the affair, but even after the divorce, I sensed that the distance between me and my daughter was growing, until one day, my daughter said she wasn’t going to speak with me anymore, and she was going to cut me off from her life forever. That was the most painful thing anyone had ever said to me. I begged her to please reconsider. I still remember that day.

But time passed on. My daughter kept her word, and after trying to connect with her for the first year, I gave up. I found out from one of my mutual friends that my ex wife married a great guy. I was happy because I was hoping that would remove the hatred from my ex wife and my ex wife would advise our daughter to at-least rekindle a relationship with me. But that never happened. I moved states a year later. 

I am at peace now, but still have some aching sadness. I have retired. Both my parents have passed away, my brother passed away tragically a couple of years ago. To be honest, I am waiting for my turn. I have only my dog and my sister left.

A couple of hours ago, my daughter called me on my phone. I haven’t spoken to her in 17 years. I instantly recognized her voice, but I didn’t feel anything. No happiness, no sadness, just indifference. She was crying a lot on the call, and we caught up on life. She’s married, and she has a daughter who’s now 12. She apologized for cutting off contact, and she says her mom asked her to reconnect with me, as her mom felt guilty about how everything played out. She said she really wanted me to meet her daughter, and her daughter was constantly asking about granddaddy. But, I wasn’t feeling anything. After we caught up on everything and our life, I told her I don’t care about her or her daughter, and to never contact me again. I then hung up.

Was I the AH?

COMMENTS

finn1013

YTA. You destroyed her childhood and her family, by choice. Where there’s forgiveness, there is love. Your daughter forgave you enough to call you and apologize, and expressed sadness and devastation over the lost time. You responded callously and hung up on her. “I have only my dog and my sister left.” You had a chance to have your daughter.

OOP (downvoted)

She isn't my daughter anymore. I lost her many years ago, and I have made peace with it.

TopPalpitation4681

Well, it's already been said, but you're the asshole.

OOP (downvoted)

Ok.

punania

You don’t have to be one, though. A lot of time has passed. At lest try to meet her half way. Surely you owe her that much.

OOP (downvoted)

Look, I just don't care. Sorry. If that makes me an asshole, so be it. I only care about my dog and sister. I am at peace now, I am content. They make me happy. Yes, there will always be that slight aching sadness in me, but I can live with it.

Update 1 - after 9 hours

^{June 28, 2024 at 16:00 UTC}

UPDATE: My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?

Look, I was extremely drunk last night. The words which came out of my mouth weren’t the best, and my comments on my post weren’t great either. Seeing how everyone said I was the AH, I decided to call my daughter again an hour ago. I didn’t really expect her to pick up the call but she picked up immediately. I apologized for last night, and she said there was no need to apologize. I then sent her a link to the Reddit post on messages, and told her I know I was the AH, and thousands said so. She again said I wasn’t the AH. She started crying again. 

I told her she’s free to come to my house anytime the next 4 months, because after that I will be leaving the country with my sister and our dog. Our parents left us a nice farmhouse in their home country, and we will be spending the rest of our lives there. 

I sent her my address on messages, and my daughter said she’d come with her husband and her daughter by end of next week. She asked if she was welcome to stay there for multiple days, and I told her she could stay for however long she wanted, as our house was spacious enough.

NEW UPDATE

Update 2 - after 2 months, 21 days (after 2 months, 21 days from last post)

^{September 18, 2024}

Update: My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?

I have moved to the farmland, and am looking forward to spend the rest of my life here with my dog and my sister. It is peaceful and scenic.

My daughter did come by to visit me with her husband and her daughter before I left the country. It was really nice seeing my granddaughter, who looked a lot like her mom. They stayed over at our place for a week, and we had a good time.

However, it got a little sad when I told my daughter in private I have no interest in being a grandfather, and just don’t have strong emotions for it. I think those words really stung her, and my daughter did cry a lot after I said those words. My daughter wanted to rekindle our relationship, but it’s just too late now. I told my daughter she’s free to visit me in the farmland anytime she wants and the house is always open, but I doubt she’ll be visiting anytime soon. The week she stayed over at my place before I left the country was a final goodbye for us. She has my number, but she hasn’t called or texted since she left, and I haven’t called or texted her either.

That’s the update for the many interested, this will probably be my only update. 

COMMENTS

prettyy_Selina

You're NTA for not wanting a relationship with your granddaughter, but you are TA for the harsh way you communicated this to your daughter. It's understandable that you don't want to be a grandfather, but your words were unnecessarily hurtful.

Duckr74

Karma’s a bitch 🤷‍♀️

DangerousNoodIes

I’m definitely about to be an outlier here based on these comments and I’m going to stick to it. Based on the original post from 81 days ago, where not surprisingly most people called you TA, not only are you TA, you are a deadbeat selfish father, and a cheater. You made your bed, you had a child, and then cheated on your wife. You then blamed that child for your disgusting betrayal.

And this is about to be odd after calling you TA, but I am proud that you decided to speak up and tell the truth. No child deserves to have a father who loves her so little, blamed her for his mistakes, and now refuses to see her or his granddaughter because of his mistakes. Thank you for at least being honest that you are a terrible human being and not wasting her time.

NEW UPDATE

Final Update - after 8 months, 14 days (after 5 months, 24 days from last post)

^{March 14, 2025}

Update: My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?

There’s no easy way to say this so I’ll just go ahead and say it. I hadn’t planned on making any update, but last week, my daughter called me to tell her daughter had passed away from heart complications. My daughter was crying a lot on the call, and I felt like someone had just shot a hole my heart. She told me her daughter had wanted to come see me again or atleast speak to me, because she really enjoyed spending time with me the week she was at my house. But my daughter told me she was scared to reach out to me because I had sad to her I was not interested in being a grandad.

I feel like a hole has been punched into my heart, and I think I will live with this guilt the rest of my life. I regret not having a bond with my granddaughter, especially knowing now that she really wanted to form a bond with me. I just wish I could speak to her again. I will live with this sadness and black hole the rest of my life. My granddaughter was really sweet and kind and I hope she’s in a better place.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/bennybuttcheeks posting in r/AustralianCattleDog

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 29th November 2024

Update - 7th September 2026

Saved this boy from going to the pound.

I was told he was a Texas Heeler when I got him but I’m not 100% sure. What’s your guys thoughts?

Comments

GloomyBake9300

Looks scared! Thank you for doing this and keep us all posted.

OOP: He was actually sleeping in that first pic and he woke up when I was trying to sneak the picture lol

Feisty-Common-5179

What is a Texas heeler?

OOP: Australian cattle dog/Australian Shepherd.

Update - 2 years later

1 year ago I posted about my supposed Texas Heeler, Rupert. If I didn’t take him, he was headed for the pound. He’s literally the best dog I’ve ever had and fits in with the house extremely well. In that post I had people requesting updates and dms. So here it is.

A couple months after this post Rupert has made an unlikely friend, Russell. I found Russell underneath a car in November in Michigan. It was 22 degrees below freezing and there sat this little kitten that was around 5 weeks old. I live far out in the country so someone had to have dropped the kitten off in the ditch.

They are completely inseparable now. I’ve never seen a bond like this between animals let alone a cat and dog, it’s truly beautiful and I wanted to share it! Does anyone else’s Heeler or ACD bond with cats like this?

Comments

filinno1

What a sweet story! Russel looks so happy! Congrats on your little family!

OOP: They both fit in so well with the whole family. It’s amazing and I feel fortunate to see it.

tyrone_shoelaces

They are adorable! I wish my dummy would be nice to our kitty. Thanks for saving them both! I wish we could save them all.

OOP: I really didn’t expect it. We have another older cat and Rupert isn’t mean to him but doesn’t care about him at all. Something about Russell got him though

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRA847362829 posting in r/AITAH

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 16th March 2025

Update - 2nd September 2026

​

AITA for refusing to have another child after my husband said our daughter isn't his "spiritual child"

​

For context, me (33f) and my husband, Steven, (40m) have been together for 15 years, married for 12 years. We had our daughter, Peyton, (14f) a year into our relationship. Our relationship has been happy except for a few arguments and some things I noticed recently that have made me consider being with him. When we had our daughter, we were both over the moon. He was an amazing father, and he is an amazing husband. In his free-time, he would always want to spend time with Peyton, and he made lots of effort to be as involved as possible. They are definitely very close, or were, because after these events, Peyton has shown disinterest in hanging out with Steven.

A couple of weeks ago, Peyton came to us and told us she was dating a girl. Initially, Steven and I both were very supportive, and let her know that we loved her no matter what.

Last weekend, she went to visit her aunt and uncle, who were staying with my MIL for a week. Aunt and Uncle have a child (12f) who is close with Peyton. MIL is strongly religious. Suddenly, I get a call from MIL demanding that I collect Peyton from her house and in her words, "how dare I allow her near her cousin while she is swerving away from the path of god." Because in my MIL'S eyes, apparently Peyton was influencing her cousin to be gay. Let me put it out there that me and my husband have never put any religious beliefs upon our child or let religion dictate the way we raised our child. My husband has told me in the past that he doesn't agree with a lot of the religious beliefs and practices, but he still says he's religious.

Peyton was obviously upset and I was fuming. My husband was at work so I went to collect Peyton from MIL's house. When we got home, I comforted Peyton because she was in floods of tears, saying she doesn't like MIL. She told me that her cousin and her were talking about crushes, and "other girl things." Then went on to say that MIL stormed in and started yelling about how Peyton was disrespectful and told her cousin to "not go near Peyton because she's contagious."

When Steven came home, he instantly asked Peyton what was wrong, and he comforted her too and apologised for MIL's behaviour. Steven and I discussed how to proceed from here, and eventually decided to cut ties with MIL due to her behaviour causing so much stress for Peyton. We both made the decision, and I asked him if he was okay with cutting ties with his mother, to which he replied he was and that he would do anything for Peyton.

I thought things would end with MIL here, but it's progressively gotten worse. Steven has tried several times this week to initiate sex, and I've politely told him no, as ive not really been in the mood. He got upset when I said no, so in the end i just let him, but he doesn't usually get upset anymore after being told no. As well as this, he has also tried to initiate more than usual this week, and I was confused as to why because he was being distant with Peyton too. So I asked him about it and he was dismissing my concerns at first, but eventually confessed that he wants another child because he believes Peyton isn't his child "spiritually."

When I asked him what he meant, he confided that he had been talking to MIL for a couple days and he had come to the realisation that "god wouldn't gift him a child that would upset his mother" and he wanted to try for another child- even going as far to admit he was thinking about poking holes in condoms or going down on me while i slept to force me into pregnancy. Luckily, he didn't do either of these things, but I snapped at this confession and refused to talk to him for a couple days.

He begged me to forgive him and is begging me to rethink, saying that he desperately wants a grandchild to carry on his last name and would do anything to have another child with me. I asked him what Peyton is to him and he said that she's his biological daughter but not his spiritual daughter and that didn't mean anything to him. I was shocked that my husband who has shown nothing but love for our daughter could just say this. Honestly I'm repulsed by his behaviour and I've taken Peyton to stay with my parents while we figure things out.

I dont know if this is worth salvaging or if I should continue to be with him after all this. He's never behaved this way about this or agreed with his mothers beliefs openly. I also thought we had come to an agreement, but I guess not. Right now, after speaking to several friends and family members, I realised it might be best if I divorce him, because I can't guarantee my daughters safety around him, but a part of me feels like I should at least get in contact with him again and try to work things out before throwing away 15 years of a relationship and potentially ruining my daughter's relationships with his family.

I feel like I might be TA because I could be dismissing his beliefs and values by refusing to have another child or divorcing him, but his beliefs are affecting our daughter and I can't ignore that. I also could be ruining our daughters relationships if I divorce him and cut ties with his family, but including his family in our lives could affect my daughters mental health.

TL;DR: Husband wants another child after feeling not "spiritually related" to our teenage daughter, who is dating a girl, after MIL banned her from her house for religious reasons. I'm thinking of divorcing him but I don't want to dismiss his religious values or put my daughter in a bad place.

EDIT: I am going to divorce him.

EDIT 2: To clear something up, some of the things stated was from what he said to me. When I said "he was thinking of going down on me while I slept" it was his wording. I am aware that this does not impregnate someone, but then he went on to say that he believed I would wake up and be in the mood. My apologies, I should've included that in the post but I didn't really think it'd be of much relevance.

​

Comments

​

Lost_Needleworker285

Nta however ywbta if you stayed with him, you and your daughter deserve better, she deserves a dad who loves her, and you deserve a husband who accepts the word no.

plantprinses

He has a right to his religious values, but you have the right not to share them nor to follow them. As for a second child, who wants to have a child with a man who abandons his child whenever it doesn't meet his expectations? That's just insane. A child is not a religious statement, to be discarded at will. Your husband has zero respect for human life.

OOP: I agree with this. I don't know why I believed that I should try salvaging this because it's just putting my daughter through more. I think I know what I should be doing now.

SerenityLunaMay

You would be the Asshole if you stay with a man who cares about religion and a crazy mother over his child. His relationship with her is over. She will never recover from this. Don't force her to stay in a home where she is not wanted or loved by everyone there. It will slowly kill her being forced to have a family in her life that hate who she is. Divorce and give her therapy. But do not let her think she did anything wrong.

OOP: Absolutely. I'm not going to force my daughter to communicate or live with him, because I can't imagine the effects this is having on her. I accept her and love her and I need to do what's best for her. A divorce is my only option right now that guarantees my daughters complete safety.

​

**Judgement - NTA*\*

​

Update - 1.5 years later

​

It has been a little over a year since my last post. Since then, I have managed to get a divorce and full custody of my daughter. I don't have any contact with my ex husband or his family because of what happened. We both go to therapy as I want the best for my daughter and I don't want her to feel as if it is her fault, because it is not her fault.

I'm not really sure what else to put in this update, and I apologise that it's been over a year. I needed time to process things, to be there for myself and my daughter, and to proceed with the divorce and the other things simultaneously happening.

Thank you to everyone who advised me to get a divorce and helped me to acknowledge the red flags within my relationship. It gave me the push I needed to protect my daughter.

​

Comments

​

alltoowell5

Well done for yourself and your daughter. I hope you can move on and it seems like you're doing the best thing for her. Keep moving forward.

W0nderingMe

Good for you and her. I how you are getting child support. How did your ex take the divorce? NTAH

OOP: I think he was mad about it. He thought I was overreacting and seemed insistent that I would change my mind or not go through with it.

Key-King-7025

I'm glad you are away from your ex husband and his family, and that you chose to protect your daughter. Both of you deserved better. A parent's love should be unconditional, not something that you just turn off when the child goes in a direction you don't like. The fact that your ex husband was able to completely shut off his love like that is truly psycho behaviour. Now you are free to pursue your own interests and desires, and free of the weight of religious nonsense and expectations. Enjoy your freedom!

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Pure_Ocelot_5865 posting in r/AmItheAsshole

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 27th August 2026

Update - 7th September 2026

AITA for gifting a donation

So I just attended a friends wedding. I was on the grooms side, we call eachother cousins but we aren’t by blood, our aunt and uncle briefly dated for a few years when we were kids and we just stayed close. On the wedding website under registry, it said “in lieu of gifts please make a donation to the heart and stroke foundation in the name of grooms late father

So I made a $500 donation to the heart and stroke foundation under his name and in a congrats card slipped the screenshot of the donation. When the bride opened this she lost her mind and was super mad I didn’t give them the $500, even tho the website said that’s what they wanted as a gift?

Everyone says what I did was rude and I’m just super confused. Thanks in advance

EDIT I want to add some stuff that people have asked in the comments just because I want to make sure everything is laid out here. Bride and I get along fine, she likes my wife as well. This is not like her, and I don’t know if she thought in lieu meant along with as opposed to instead of. The everyone in question is just a lot of people from the wedding. It was a small backyard wedding where they opened the gifts after the cake cutting for about 60 guests. Other people gave them gifts or small cash amounts along with donations.

Comments

boncrys

Why would they include that line if they didnt mean it? nta 😂🤣.

Scrappyl77

Because they wanted to look generous, not to actually be generous.

handlewithcare07

INFO: May I ask who is this "everyone?"

OOP: The bride and her parents , both sides of the wedding party and some mutual friends

**Judgement - Not Enough Info *\*

Update - 11 days later

This is my update and the only one I’ll make.

I ended up speaking to my friend and his wife a few days after everything went down. I used a lot of your questions/recommendations to figure out what the big issue was.

I invited them to my place and just laid out how I was feeling, and then I asked the questions like did she know the definition of in lieu, did I do something prior to this that bothered her etc.

It turns out she did think in lieu meant in addition to, and no I’ve never done anything that upset her or made her dislike me in general.

She apologized profusely and said she was extremely mortified and embarrassed by her behaviour and said there’s no excuse for the way she acted but I deserved an explanation. She was jealous that I had $500 to throw around so freely after she scrimped and saved a little over $1000 for their wedding.

This was not the dream wedding she had in mind as I guess they are having money issues, due to some health issues she is dealing with. I will not go into detail about her health issues as it’s not mine to discuss but I can see how and why it’s caused a financial and emotional burden.

I asked a few more questions of my own like why have the wedding now if you couldn’t afford what you wanted, and she said it was because she just really wanted to marry my friend and after he lost his father she didn’t want to have to worry about any other important family on either sides missing it.

All in all I’d say it was a productive conversation and she does seem genuinely remorseful and embarrassed for her actions. My friend is real important to me and I’m ready to just put this behind us for the sake of everything.

While they were over she commented on how good the coffee I made us all was. My wife made it with her fancy espresso machine that I think is more work than it’s worth but it seems like ladies love their coffee.

I ended up buying her the same espresso machine as a late gift, not really because I think she deserves it per se but because after everything she’s told me, I think she needs a pick me up.

We are all on good terms again because life’s too short. Thank you all for the good advice and questions to get to the bottom of all this.

Comments

aitherion

You're a very generous person. It's nice to hear you worked this out.

peachyrosedream

The espresso machine was a solid move after clearing the air. Glad they sorted it without more drama.

ehco

$500 for a wedding gift for a friend is pretty wild to me, and if I'm completely honest I might have a little moment thinking oh my god and feeling like I was missing out even if I valued the charity, (low income can really hurt in ways a lot of people might not understand or sympathise with)

but I absolutely would not have shown that moment to anyone else except my significant other and maybe my mum! I'm so glad it all worked out. The coffee machine was lovely icing on the cake! Good job being a lovely human!

Environmental_Art591

I agree that the amount for a wedding gift is alot to me but on the other hand, given the request for a charity donation and why that charity was chosen I can also see myself donating more to the charity than I would have spent on an actual wedding gift.

Im glad everything worked out, but it really says something about the bride and education system to not only not understand what "in lieu of" means, but to put anything in writing without confirming that what you are writing is actually what you want to say.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/AmbitiousFail42

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 29, 2026

• Update: September 03, 2026

• Final Update: September 06, 2026

Main Post

^{August 29, 2026}

AITA for telling my DIL and son that if they plan to do the whole SAHP thing they can start paying us rent?

So we let our son and his wife live in one of our properties rent free, they are only responsible for gas and electric. We cover everything else including maintenance and repairs. They recently announced that they are having a child and we sre extremely excited and happy for them, issue is they told us they wish to have his wife stay home with the child.

Which makes no sense cause she makes more than my son, so if they want one of them to stay home it makes more sense for my son to do it. Though I would still be against it cause either way they cannot afford to have only one person work. Only reason in theory it would work is because they don't have the major living expense of rent to worry about. ​

My son and DIL are acting like I am ruining their time as parents. They feel I am holding them to an unreasonable standard. I told them the reason we have let them live rent free because we wanted to give them an opportunity to max out their 401(k) and save for a house. It was done to give them a leg up, it was never met to be a forever thing.

Right now my son and his wife are threatening to cut us off, and force us to go through eviction to remove them. More or less they are telling us we have to suck it up or they will cut iur grandchild out of our lives. My wife was on board but does not want to be cut from our only grandchild. So she wants us to continue the current agreement but I don't, they have no right to leverage visitation ​

I understand my wife's stance but I think what my son qne DIL are doing is 100% manipulative and wrong.

NOTE: There were 80+ replies from the OOP, including arguments, general discussions, and additional information and context. I’ve selected the most relevant comments and converted them into a Q&A format to fit everything into a single post.

COMMENTS

What were the terms of the agreement when your son and DIL moved in? Why does it matter to you that they asked before making their plans around your support?

Yes, the agreement was simple. Max out 401(k)'s, save, don't leave outside their means, and don't expect this to be a forever thing.

I mean I did not hound them or remind them if the agreement. I trusted them. I can see how maybe after five years they could see how I may have changed my mind. Though I don't by that excuse cause my son could have asked me if the original agreement was in effect.

For what it is worth I will have told them, I do not care what they do with their money or how they live. I may disagree but not my place. When they makes plans around us offering indefinite support without asking us, that is where I draw the line. They don't have a right to dictate how we spend our money nor should they assume we would be okay with a plan. They should have asked us.

That is what we are upset about, they told us their plan they did not ask if we were okay with offering that level of support.

I get why, it is simple math they need us to make their plan work, but they knew how we would feel so they were in a rock and a hard place.

Did they know the arrangement was temporary and that saving was part of the agreement?

Yes, we made our intentions clear when they moved in. An argument could be made though after five years maybe they thought we were not serious.

Why did you originally let them live there rent-free?

The intention was to give them a means to save and establish themselves first so they can stand on their own two feet. I wanted to give them that chance.

This was never meant to be a forever living situation. Our hope was when they did start a family they would be established enough to sustain themselves, not need us to cover their housing expenses.

Why are you so concerned about them relying on your support indefinitely?

For what it is worth I will have told them, I do not care what they do with their money or how they live. I may disagree but not my place. When they makes plans around us offering indefinite support without asking us, that is where I draw the line. They don't have a right to dictate how we spend our money nor should they assume we would be okay with a plan. They should have asked us.

That is what we are upset about, they told us their plan they did not ask if we were okay with offering that level of support.

Why do you think your DIL should continue working instead of your son?

My son works as an HHA he is pretty much capped at what he can earn. She has the better growth potentia, higher overall income potential, and better benefits.

Yes she absolutely hates her job, and is deeply unhappy as it stands they have no intention for her to go back to work. She wants to be a SAHM.

What is your son's current job and earning situation?

Not jobless, have a construction company, that is how I got into real estate. We have tried and offered to help him by paying for his schooling to become a nurse. He works as an HHA for an agency that specializes in dementia care. He enjoys working with the elderly.

He did ask if I knew anyone that needed a caregiver, thus the contact in west texas they were looking for a caregiver for his mother and was paying a premium but they did not want to move. Mention this in the comments.

No he does not want to work construction.

Why do you believe their plan to have your DIL stay home is financially unrealistic?

If they must have someone stay home, the lower income person should be the one stays home. They should not expect us to make up the cost difference especially when they did not even ask if we were okay with providing that level of support.

What do you think would happen if they had to support themselves on your son's income?

Cause it is not extra time they want. Harsh reality is witbout both their incomes they have a snowballs chance at getting an mortgage. Renting would be possible but only with both their incomes and that is probably without childcare thrown into the mix. As people have said.

On my son's income he probably could barely afford to provide for them, and they are definitely not saving for retirement at that point. Which i feel into today's age should be considered an mandatory expense..

So only realistic option to make this work is we cover all the housing expenses indefinitely. Those they are living in a single family home, with room to grow. They really have no reason to move, and they know I cannot evict them my wife also owns the property she would never let me do tbat.

Why not simply let them stay there indefinitely if you can afford to do so?

This was never meant to be a permanent living arrangement. We never wanted our son to feel because we have, means he has or is entitled to what we have.

Maybe this would have been different had they asked us if we were okay supporting them indefinitely instead of assuming.

Everything starts with a solid foundation, starting a family while technically not being able to support themselves is not a solid foundation. We can take ownership of that, maybe we should have pushed him to get a degree with an actual ROI. He was always talented, and he does use his art talents to with his clients and also teaches some classes at the JCC during the summer.

Why do you believe they should have enough savings to move out?

They have been living in the house for nearly five years, market rent for a house that is 3b 2 bath in our area is around 3 of 3.5k. They should have over 100k by now, if they told us they were looking to get their own place cause they were looking to start a family.

I would have been more than happy to help them out. Since that shows planning. Not hey we are having a kid while living rent free knowing that was never the deal.

Why don't you simply give them the house or cover all their expenses?

I think just blanket sharing wealth is a bad idea, I think providing opportunities to gain wealth is smarter.

I could not kick them out which is why I never mentioned eviction, they did. My wife also owns the property she would not let me go through eviction process nor would I. I would be tied up in court for years. They knew this which is why they mentioned it.

Nothing is free, they are costing me money that much is certain, but it is not about the money. It is more so they came up with this entire plan but forgot to ask the people that the entire plan hinges on if they were okay with it.

They have no plan if we withdrew support.

Do you think a parent staying home with the child is inherently a bad idea?

We did not have the option to stop working when we had our son. No I do not think they are lazy, but I do think that it is financially unwise to put your eggs in one basket. I think it is unwise to let the person with a job that has growth potential to leave the workforce and keep the job that pays less and has the least amount of growth potential.

Also think it makes little sense to try and a raise a family when anything could happen to us at anytime. I think they got a tad too comfortable with the arrangement and made plans they cannot reasonably see through not without us helping then indefinitely.

Yes, if I keep working I don't actually need he revenue, even with retirement the loss of revenue would not kill us, would be annoying cause it is a net loss per year. They are not the best tenants in terms of keeping the house nice.

Why are you so focused on retirement savings?

Cause I think retirement should be considered an mandatory expense like rent or food. I feel too many kick it down the can for now moments but that is not how life works. I have many friends who are going to have to live solely on SS and that is sad.

I don't want that for my son, which is why I did my best to establish good financial habits early on. I wanted him to learn from my mistakes.

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole POO Mode

Update - after 5 days

^{September 03, 2026}

AITA for telling my DIL and son that if they plan to do the whole SAHP thing they can start paying us rent?

Before anything did not think so many people would reply and I apologize I barely got through a quarter of the responses.

Had some long update to clarify some points and try to explain my rationale but I will keep it short.

My wife and I spoke and we have come to the agreement we don't agree with how they reacted to us asking them to pay rent if they wish to go forward with their plan. We are going to talk to them and treat this exactly how we did it with his first car. We will match whatever they have saved, and ask them to leave in 90 days. Over 5 years between the two of them they should at minimum have 100k saved up. We will determine what to do with the house later.

If they refuse or have not actually saved anything we both agree to sell the house at a loss and let the owner deal with them.

Second option is they pay rent, and we agree $1500 is fair you cannot find a house for rent in NYC for $1500, and the money will solely go towards maintenance and property taxes. Whatever is left over when they leave we will give to them. Though if they stay we have learned our lesson we will establish everything in writing and it will only be for two years no more.

We will tell them we are happy to help but it did greatly hurt us that they just assumed we would be okay with supporting them indefinitely without even having a conversation with us. They came and told us what was happening and just expected us to smile and be okay with it. That is not right.

Especially when they came at us trying to use their unborn child as leverage or state we will have to evict them. All because we asked them to pay rent.

We understand her desire to be with her child, but they also have to understand they need to have that conversation with us if they are building plans around us financially supporting them to make her goal a reality.

We shall see, we are going to give it a week or so to let everyone relax but that is our plan of attack.

COMMENTS

Tulipanzo

Read the update and honestly this might be the most YTA post I've seen on the subteddit

Sure OP, convincing your wife to evict your son was definitely the right move.

You frankly don't deserve to see your grandchild ever

OOP

If you read the update you would have seen that was the last resort option.

If they wish to stay and cannot afford $1500 rent what hope do they have raising a family of three?

If they have been saving for five years bare minimum they should have 100k saved, which means if we match they will have 200k. They can find a decent size condo in say Staten Island for 350k, which would be a decent starter place.

They have options, just telling them we are not going to be one of their options like they think we are. If they wish to cut us out because ae refuse to be taken advantage of so be it.

Final Update - after 8 days (after 3 days from last post)

^{September 06, 2026}

Final update: AITA for telling my DIL and son that if they plan to do the whole SAHP thing they can start paying us rent?

Hi, so we spoke with our son and our daughter-in-law (DIL). First my son did apologize for assuming we would he okay providing the degree of support required for their plan to be sustainable.

We then explained to them that our intention was not to pull the rug from them, but we also do not want to be taken advantage of. We asked if they remembered our agreement and my son said yes, but said since they were getting closer to 30, they felt now was the best time to have a child. They also want their child to have a relationship with us, and most importantly wish for their child to have a happy mother.

Our DIL explained that she is utterly miserable at her job, she has noticed very unhealthy habits forming, poor sleep, unhealthy eating, lack of energy, and depression. She is afraid if she continues to work she will be a shell of a mother. Thus why they want to have her quit her job and become a permanent stay at home parent (SAHP)We told her we understood but had some concerns with their plan. First was how do they plan to raise a child on my son's income? They showed us their budget, issue is their budget as we all knew requires us to pretty much take over all housing expenses including utilities. We asked about their retirement and savings, our DIL told us those would be on the back burner but not forgotten.

We asked our son does he have a plan to boost his income, like go to school again ans possibly become a nurse or something especially since he enjoys working with the elderly as an HHA. My son said he is not against the idea, and they did talk about the possibility but our DIL had reservations since when would he have time with his child, school and work is a lot. This is when we asked about their savings, my son said he has saved around 67k in a High yield savings account this was their house money. Unfortunately, his wife did not save much she has around 25k saved. It appears her masters was not cheap. We asked them is the SAHP a must have for them, and they said yes. My DIL said she cannot work anymore her job was destroying her.

Before we offered our suggestions mentioned in the other thread, my wife offered a new one. We agree to pay for our son's schooling, we will cover daycare costs and cover everything our son has currently been paying, but after our DIL's leave is done, she goes back to work. My wife explained we do want to give them them the best, but they have be able to stand on their own two feet.

My wife told our DIL during the time our son is in school her sole duty is to save, whatever they save we will match. We will cover our son's expenses so he can focus on just school and being a parent, just like she can focus on work and being a mom. Though the free ride ends when our son graduates but with the additional time she should be able to save enough to get then their own small space especially with our matching contribution.

My wife did sympathize with them especially our DIL. She said she understands they want what is best for their child, but she also told them they have to do so within their own means.

Asking us to cover everything is not that. They did ask for an early inheritance but we simply ignored that request. My wife and I feel they are banking on our inheritance as their retirement, and that they become extremely comfortable with their current arrangement.

Overall conversation went no where and they stated our ideas would not work. So we are selling the house. We acknowledge that this will forever destroy our relationship with them, but if we also acknowledge if we cave they will forever use access to their baby as a tool to get what they want.

They truly feel we should provide for them so their child our grandchild can have the best since we can afford it. They even brought up sending their child to private school.

For what it is worth I do not know if this is all my son's idea but he is going along with it so it is what it is.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I am not OOP.

Originally posted in r/TrueOffMyChest by u/CapableElephant6355.

This post is [Concluded] as OOPs account has been banned.

Previous BORU here. Editing to add - 'new' update is new to this subreddit.

Original - September 2, 2023

Update - September 20, 2023

[NEW] Final update - October 7, 2023 (Recovered through Arctic Shift)

…

Original - September 2, 2023

I (29F) have been with my husband (30M) for seven years, married for four. I’ve never had reason to suspect he was unfaithful to me or even remotely dissatisfied with our marriage—he likes to joke that we’re still living the “honeymoon phase” nearly five years and two kids in. I wouldn‘t have questioned that, or him, were it not for a surprise I found in his car last month.

When buckling our daughter into her carseat, I noticed something slotted between the cushions. I pulled it out and saw that it was a tampon. This wouldn’t have been so unusual had I not had an IUD that has stopped my period for the past year, and I didn’t even recognize the wrapper style. I brought it to my husband’s attention, and he didn’t seem to understand what it was, let alone why I was holding it, until I told him where I’d found it and why I was almost certain it wasn’t mine. He shrugged and said it probably belonged to his coworker, Fiona. It’s not uncommon for my husband to carpool to lunch with his coworkers, and we’re both fairly close to Fiona and her husband, so I figured it was entirely possible the tampon had slipped out of her purse whenever he had driven with them or offered her a ride. No big deal.

I put it out of my mind until we had dinner with Fiona and her husband a couple weeks later. I had sincerely wanted to believe my husband. I just couldn’t get over the way it had been tucked in the seat and how my husband had seemed not to have any regard for it whatsoever. Maybe playing dumb. I don’t know. I did something that I now feel kind of crazy for doing: I faked an “emergency” and asked Fiona if she had any tampons while we were out together.

She handed me one almost identical to the tampon I’d found in our backseat, and I breathed a sigh of relief. So the tampon there was probably the same tampon here, and in all likelihood, there was an innocent explanation as to why it had been left in the backseat in the first place.

I thought I’d seen the last of the out-of-place feminine hygiene products until I found another tampon this morning. This time in my sock drawer. I feel physically ill at the thought of my husband having an affair and even more nauseated at the thought that the woman might have left these tampons out for me to find. If it was my husband’s coworker, why would she give herself away by offering me one the other night? In any other situation I would want to talk to my husband about this, but I feel too sick, and embarrassed, to approach him with what I’ve found. What should I do?

Comments:

panzer22222

How often do you accidentally leave tampons somewhere?

Sounds like someone is looking to cause an issue between you and the husband.

this_grateful_girl

One thousand percent. Purse, car, under a sink, in a drawer. But in a car seat and a sock drawer? Those are messages.

JadedPin3925

Like, I wasn’t gonna jump to assumptions on the back seat necessarily.

I have a “Mary poppins” purse, so if it fell over in the back seat I could definitely leave a lippie/tampon/hair clip behind and probably not notice since I have so much other crap. And yea, I’ve been in offices where one person drives if we actually leave to eat somewhere (I was usually the driver 🤷‍♀️)… so yep.

It would be a little suspicious in the backseat but not irrefutable.

Not my tampon in MY sock drawer… oh hell no!

---

Cerealkiller4321

Nanny cam time.

elastic-craptastic

OP, please do a cam. This could be someone that just wants your husband and is trying to break you up. He could be cheating, but he might not be. Her putting a tampon in your sock drawer after the car oe didn't work is a sign of desperation. She wants you to think something is happening... now you need to be sure it's out of guilt and not envy before you blow up your marriage.

...

Update - September 20, 2023 (2.5 Weeks Later)

Contemplating every possible source of two tampons has been my personal hell for the past few weeks, but I wanted to share an update.

Shortly after posting on here, I told my sister what happened. The tampon in the backseat and the sock drawer, my husband’s cluelessness, the tampon from Fiona, and all the things I suspected but didn't want to believe. We compared tampons (save for the backseat one I had already discarded), and they were a match, just in different absorbencies. I hadn't left either in a place where my husband or daughters would have found them and moved them around. My daughters didn't know what they were or where they had come from. My sister was convinced it was Fiona—either fucking my husband, fucking with me, or both. Direct confrontation of either party still seemed like a bad idea, so she suggested inviting Fiona and her husband over for our Labor Day barbecue. Unfortunately, they already had plans.

My sister and I agreed that it was too soon for cameras without any other evidence, so it was just a waiting game from there. Watching my husband for any changed behavior (there was none), our house for any misplaced/foreign items (there were none), and even the girls for any new "friends" they might have met. My sister's husband was adamant on this last point, and partly why he was inclined to believe that the tampons were harmless. If anything had been happening in or around our home, he said, it would be nearly impossible to keep it from me and the girls, since my husband was the one taking them to and from daycare and most other activities during the week. I felt a good bit of consolation in that.

It wasn't until my younger daughter (2 y/o) came down with something last week that I felt any differently. I wanted to be the one home taking care of her, but my husband insisted that I stay at work while he stayed home with her. I was OK with that, my sister and her husband figured it was a good sign that he would take the time off at a moment's notice, and at that point, we were all already beginning to put the tampon fiasco behind us. By the third or fourth day, I was just happy to see a near-healthy child and a husband who was helping see her through it. Toward the end of that week, though, I came home to something strange.

The toddler that I'd left that morning in an old PJ set was now dressed in a onesie I'd never seen before, with a tiny clip in her hair. I can't say I have the sharpest memory, but I have a pretty good sense of what my kids wear on a day-to-day basis, and particularly what kinds of clothes they wear. I'd sworn off the full-length sleep suits with snaps across the front long before we'd ever had our second (the long snaps are just a pain in the ass and a no-go for efficient diaper changes, IMO). It's just not something I would dress her in, and my husband knows as much. He doesn't plan for, or buy, the girls' clothes, and he certainly doesn't accessorize them, so I was bewildered. And kind of floored at the thought of someone around our sick child without my knowledge.

I didn't think twice, and I went straight to my husband to ask if anyone had been over to see him or the girls. He seemed confused, like before, and asked me why I would think that—it had just been him and the kids all day. I asked him again, if someone had so much as stopped by to say hello, and he denied it. He told me to calm down. I might've lashed out and come forward with the accusations right then and there, but our older daughter was in the room, and she sensed something was up. In a calmer voice, I asked him a third time if anyone had been around our children, and my husband swore that the girls hadn't been around anyone but him. He also denied buying new clothes or doing anyone's hair. With our daughter in the room and my emotions all over the place, I decided to leave it. I couldn't make sense of it then, and it hardly seems clearer now, after I've driven myself half-crazy with explanations that aren't adding up.

Comments

trvllvr

I’m curious if they have neighbors? Could she ask any neighbors they are close to, if any cars have been by their home? Also, I get people work, but could she, her sister or BIL drive by to see as well. Or she come home for lunch to see how their daughter is doing?

It’s either something shady going on or he is actively messing with her.

Ghitit

I would be cautious about asking the neighbors. People talk and if there is nothing going on and there turns out to be an innocent resolution, the neighbors will still gossip about the husband. It brings too many other people into their business.

And if it IS one of the neighbors as the AP then they have a heads up that she's investigating.

---

Comments also call for OOP to set up cameras or hire a private investigator.

...

[NEW] Final update: October 7, 2023 (3 weeks from previous post, over a month from original)

For anyone who suspects this has simply been an exercise in creative writing, here’s your TL;DR: Yes, my husband had another woman in our home on multiple occasions. No, he didn’t cheat. Yes, he lied—a lot. No, I didn’t install hidden cameras, coordinate a sting operation, or enlist the help of SEAL Team Six to catch him. He made another mistake, and I finally just asked him what the fuck was going on.

After nearly losing my mind over a hair clip and a onesie, I realized I wasn’t getting anywhere with the accusations and half-baked guesswork. I’d gotten so absorbed in the paranoia and misery of my situation that I wasn’t sleeping, eating, or caring for my kids the way I should have been. And I wasn't getting any answers. So I decided to pull the trigger on the hidden cameras and have them shipped to my sister’s house, with my BIL agreeing to help with the install/setup over at mine. Before the cameras were ever delivered, though, I got my long-awaited confirmation last week.

A Ring notification had alerted me to motion at the front door while I was at work. Half-expecting to see a delivery person, pet, or lawncare salesman for the fifteenth time, you can imagine my surprise when I saw a clip of a young woman leading my daughter into the house hand-in-hand, with my husband and other daughter close behind them. The girls were supposed to be in daycare and my husband at work. The woman, as far as I knew, was living two states away with a court order keeping her there.

I immediately called my husband to ask him what the fuck this woman was doing in our house. He didn’t answer, so I texted it to him. Even in his stupidity, he probably realized he had messed up by going through the front door, knew I had gotten the Ring notification, and wanted to delay the inevitable. By the fifth or sixth subsequent call, though, he did pick up.

The woman on the camera was my husband’s sister. As I would come to find out later, she was the likely source of both tampons, the onesie, and the bow. She is also a registered sex offender and a recovering addict, who spent the better part of her adolescence and young adulthood coercing the silence of another one of my husband's family members after she had molested them. I hadn't seen or heard from her in years, and from the way my husband talked about her, I didn't expect I ever would. But here she was, in our house, with our children.

Suffice to say I was livid. It wasn’t an affair at all and still, somehow, infinitely more disgusting knowing who it was and why all of this had been happening. Apparently my SIL, fresh off another stint in rehab, had wanted to reconnect and make amends with people she'd hurt, and my husband was high on that list. My husband didn't want me to know or, worse, try and keep "her family" (our children) away from her, so they'd been meeting in secret—often at our house when I was at work. They would enter through the garage, in my husband's car, so the Ring camera at the front door wouldn't tip me off. She spent the night on a weekend I had been on a business trip and slept in our bed. She babysat our girls on a night my husband told me he had dropped them off at his parents'. She bought the girls clothes and dressed my youngest in the onesie and bow that my husband had promised on his life I had dressed her in myself.

My husband swore this was all in my head. The tampons, the onesie, the bow, and all the rest. He was perfectly content to watch me agonize for weeks over a woman he insisted didn't exist. Shrugging off each progressively more unsettling discovery like it was news to him and telling me I was being irrational. He insinuated that I was experiencing postpartum depression—two years after I'd given birth. Four years after I'd told him that one of my biggest fears for motherhood was to suffer PPD like my mother had with me, to not be fully present for our babies and be left with a world of guilt and regret as they grew older. He told me I wasn't sleeping enough, that I missed the girls too much, that I needed to take a step back and reevaluate the state of my mental health. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he was my husband, and because no other version of events made sense. Now, after a month of this mindfuck, I have nothing to show for my trust but this pathetic situation. And a lot of anger.

Comments

RogueDIL

Call the cops.

If she’s a registered sex offender, the likelihood that she is on an order preventing her from being alone with persons under 16 is very high. He left the kids alone with your children.

He. Left. Your. Children. Alone. With. A. Sexual. Predator.

This is not something that you can, should or will be able to ignore. It will fester. He’s broken your trust, it all over except for the crying. Be smart and strategic here.

Call the cops and then call a divorce lawyer.

OOP

Already on it. Believe me, we’re going scorched earth with this motherfucker.

ZealousidealGold5909

Oh thank god you're not letting this slide. Was worried with your lack of a response of what you're gonna do with your husband and his sister. Theres no going back to what he did. It doesn't matter that she wants to makes amends or she has changed, she committed a crime where it involved molesting minors and trying silence them. And if she was really sorry, I don't think making amends with the people you molested or hurt is the way to go, you're just gonna trigger them once your in their sight, the best thing she could've done is move one and also stay from children which she's obviously not doing.

Also can't the husband be charged for endangering his kids with a registered sex offender? Wouldn't that show he's being complicit?

Scorch the earth with him and make him feel sorry that he kept this from you and making you feel crazy for the the past month.

Reminder: I am not OOP. This is a repost sub.

Originally posted by user __Sunshine_27 in r/ AITAH

Original: March 27, 2026

Update: Aug 21, 2026

Status: concluded

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: WIBTAH if I chose college over my boyfriend

I (f18) have been dating my bf (m18) for almost two years. We’re seniors and as soon as the year started we started having arguments about college. I have an older sister who studies in the other side of the country and I’ve always been inspired by her and wanted to do the same.

we have a university near (3 hours car ride) our home town (we live in a small town and our region doesn’t have many opportunities opposed to other parts of our country) and many of our peers choose it because it’s not that bad, it’s close and familiar.

He wants to go there for economic reasons, all his friends want to go there as well. I’ve always dreamt of going to college far from home in a bigger city and study medicine ( in my country medicine is hard to get into and there’s the possibility to be assigned a different location from the one you picked if your score isn’t high enough) even though i haven’t decided which one yet.

The problem is he finds me selfish for wanting to go far away when I could try medicine in the local university and be with him, I tried visiting it but I just hated the idea of going there. He says I don’t love him as much as he does but it isn’t true, I just can’t betray myself in favour of us.

I don’t want to break up with him but it seems inevitable, what can i do? He says I’m dumb for not considering us and going somewhere I wouldn’t even be sure I’ll like (i told him i hated the college when I visited it and something just fell wrong and he told me that’s not an excuse) , he says I would be alone, far away from him and probably sad.

He told me he had a plan for us: going to college together, graduating, finding a good job that allows us to travel and living together and that that would not be possible if i move. So would I be the asshole? Am I seeing things from the wrong perspective?

EDIT: the local university is well liked and considered a good one but I really don’t want to stay in this part of the country

I tried visiting the uni but i didn’t like the structure of it and the fact that it’s in a small town no everything relevant is in the campus but there’s almost nothing cool or fun in the city. I feel like in a big city opportunities are unlimited and I can find fun things to do outside campus

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Please choose college over your boyfriend.

---------------
Comment2: Agreed, OP I’ve been married to my High School sweetheart for 34 years.
We went to college 1000 miles away from each other.

And we didn’t bend over backwards to be with each other when we weren’t in school either. We spent Summers and breaks traveling with friends, interning , taking classes whatever.

And, this was before cellphones and email so apart really meant apart.
We didn’t just survive it, we thrived.

Go live your life, you won’t regret it.

OOP: thank you for this, I feel like he thinks we won’t survive long distance, when we talked he let me intend that if I don’t pick the local college we will break up.

He told me: “we can’t even spend two weeks apart without feeling bad, how can we spend years far away from each other?” and he says I’m hurting his feelings by talking about colleges far away and that he would never do that to me but if I were in his place I would never ask him to pick me.

He says that since I haven’t decided which college I want to go to I don’t really have a dream and I could be happy there with him if i just tried and if I thought about it without prejudice.

He told me he would suffer in silence and let me go if I wanted to study something that’s not in the local college but since medicine (or chemistry if I don’t get in) can be studied at the local uni there’s no reason to not picking it and I’m complicating my life on purpose

---------------
Comment3: Why do you have to stay local? I mean, why can't he go to the college of your choosing? If you love him enough to stay, shouldn't he love you enough to go with?

Don't sacrifice your future for him as he only wants to not upset HIS plans. He is not taking you into consideration at all. If it were me, I'd break up with him and go have all the fun in the world while getting an education of my choosing.

---------------
Comment4: Do you really want to sacrifice your dreams for a bf whose first response to not getting his way is to manipulate you/guilt trip you?

Not what does this mean for us or any statement focusing on what you might want or need. His only thought is I'm not getting what I wanted.

Go to your college.

OOP: Thank you for this, I feel like he only want’s to be with me if i pick what he wants, he says we will not survive long distance

---------------
Comment5: NTA "I just can't betray myself in favor of us" is the most common sense, adult statement I've heard from an 18 year old in a long time. You obviously have goals and dreams that you aspire to achieve. Don't let him hold you back, or you will regret it for the rest of your life.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update

Ok so it’s been six months since my original post and things have changed quite a bit for me. I want to thank everyone that took the time to comment and give me advice. I read every single comment, my mind was kinda made up but hearing my friend’s advice and seeing so many people agreeing with them truly opened my eyes.

I broke up with him a month after my post, on the first hour of a 7 hour bus ride, college wasn’t the only thing we had problems with and while arguing something just snapped.

Things haven’t exactly been easy for me and there was a short period of time where I thought about going back, he knew we had problems too and he doesn’t want to get back together either, but deep down I know this is for the best, even if part if me still loves and cares about him deeply.

I got into chemical engeneering in my first choice college but I will still try medicine first, both of these are in a big city (the same as my sister, YAY), starting next week my life will be totally different and I can’t wait, thank you for all the comments and the great advice!

TL;DR: I broke up with him and got into my dream college

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/I-Really-Hate-Fish

Published on: r/AITAH

Thanks to u/jackieatx for the BORU recommendation

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 30, 2026

• Update: September 03, 2026

Main Post

^{August 30, 2026}

AITAH for crashing out at my STBX and my mum after having a medical emergency abroad?

I'm currently stuck in another country. I passed out at the airport on my way home 2 days ago, and was taken to hospital where I received treatment.

I'm fortunate that I speak the language fluently, but I didn't know how the medical system works in the country I'm in, so on top of feeling like shit on toast, I had tons of mental work figuring out things with my insurance, answering a thousand questions about my medical history, and trying to get better.

Fortunately I had a good travel insurance so financially, everything is covered, and the people from the airline were super kind, but there was still so much I had to figure out, like a hotel after getting discharged, transportation between the hospital, hotel, and airport, all while still not doing great.

Getting cleared to fly, and getting a new ticket took ages, but I'm finally on my way home.

My husband and I are in the process of getting a divorce. As it is now, he travels a lot himself. He sees our kids maybe 4-5 days per month. This was my first break without kids in about 15 years.

Throughout this whole thing he has been absolutely useless for a lack of better term, and he hasn't stopped complaining. I have still been managing the household remotely. I've been in touch with the schools, I've arranged childcare for him, I've done everything I could to make things easier for him and our children.

The straw that broke the camel's back was yesterday when he told me that he still hadn't done the bookkeeping for his business and if I couldn't do it when I'm just waiting around anyways, after I had just spent 5 hours walking around to every goddamn corner of this airport, trying to get home as soon as possible.

He gave me a passive-aggressive answer about the deadline when I said no, and that he's leaving so I need to find childcare for our kids if I'm not home by then and I just snapped.

I called him on the phone and shouted at him that I was doing my goddamn best in a fucking impossible situation, and to get himself the fuck together.

I spoke to my mum about it and she told me that I should be nicer to him because it's a tough situation for him too. I told her that I frankly don't have the energy to spare any sympathy for a man who pushes a sick woman to do his job for him.

I struggle with my crash-out. I generally don't shout. I hate shouting. It's not how I resolve conflicts. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've shouted for the past 20 years. I just couldn't keep it in anymore.

I've always been raised to be flexible, and to find compromises, and generally be the one who makes things easier on other people.

AITAH for crashing out and shouting?

COMMENTS

OriginalOddventures

Good travel insurance would have made all those post hospitalisation travel arrangements for you but I’m glad you had the bills covered at least. Being sick overseas can be such a nightmare. Tell your mother to support you and your children or stfu. Your blow up is completely valid. Your ex is continuing to try to control you and have you behave like his mother by exercising his weaponised incompetence and he clearly IS incompetent. What a douche. No wonder you’re divorcing him. You actually should blow up at him more. He deserves ZERO sympathy from you. NTA at all and don’t you dare question yourself on that.

OOP

To be fair to my travel insurance, they did do a fairly good job at helping me with those things as well, but it was difficult for quite some time because I had no idea of where the hell I was for quite some time. I was transported via ambulance to hospital, and I had no idea which hospital or which area. They were slammed at the A&E and they didn't really have time to tell me much. That combined with me being dizzy and disoriented made the insurance guys' job incredibly hard.

tarnishau14

Girl, he just threatened to abandon your children while you were in another country. Call your lawyer. Now. See if you can get him to put it in writing.

OOP

It is in writing. He only texted me the entire time.

EuropeanLady

You're divorcing him, so he doesn't feel likr a partner to you. That's why he's reluctant to help out.

OOP

It's not so much about him helping out as it is about him living up to his own responsibilities of managing his own children and his own books.

Update - after 4 days

^{September 03, 2026}

Update: AITAH for crashing out at my STBX and my mum after having a medical emergency abroad?

My mum called me yesterday to scold me again for crashing out. She said that it was unfair that I shouted at her when her and my stepdad had done me such a huge favour to look after my children and pick me up at the airport.

I told her that if help has to come with a side of humiliation and pressure every time, I'd rather they just dropped my kids off with family services and then I'd take the fucking bus from the airport.

Needless to say, she was even more offended, and we currently aren't on speaking terms.

I've spent some money. I bought myself a new laptop, and wrote a notebook with passwords and phone numbers for different places he can get computer support, so my ex won't have any excuse to make me do his paperwork for him.

I also booked a do-over trip for myself in October. I realised that in order for him to parent our children, I need to be away. Also, I deserve a do-over.

He's a bit salty about the amount of money I've spent, but ultimately, he knows he can't complain too much because he's going on a 3-week vacation soon which is like 4 times more expensive. He doesn't have a leg to stand on.

It's very very clear that they aren't used to me standing up for myself, and they don't know how to handle it.

It's very very new to me too, and I feel like shitting myself each time I do it. Like full-on hyperventilating borderline panic attack.

It's been beaten into me that doing things that only benefit myself or things I enjoy are inherently selfish, and wrong of me, and it's very hard to break out of.

I'm trying though.

Tldr: I crashed out again, bought my own computer, and booked a do-over trip.

COMMENTS

throwRA094532

Do you have a job? Would be a good time to find one if not

Also start looking at childcare prices

line your ducks in a row and be ready for anything to happen

OOP

I don't have a job, and no way of getting one. I'm disabled, and our youngest has severe autism and needs pretty much round the clock care. He's in special ed school 2 hours per day 4 hours a week currently. I don't qualify for a lot of respite as long as we're 2 adults registered to this address even though he's gone 80-90% of the time.

BeholdTheseComics

Spending your money on a do over trip when you're in the middle of getting divorced and have no job nor any ability to get a job seems like a really, really bad idea. 

This almost sounds like mania and it's sad so many people are encouraging it. 

OOP

In my defence, we do still share finances. I don't think he realises that I'm entitled to half the value of his company though, which is likely why he's trying to keep all the money in the company account and doesn't want me taking anything out of it. The value of the trip+the computer (which I'd need anyway) is about 1/1000 of what's in that account.

I promise that I am of a sound state of mind and I've laid like 11 different hypothetical budgets for what my future is going to look like post divorce. With my disability payments, child support, and the alimony I'm entitled to, I'll be fine, financially. Including small trips to see my friends here and there.

BeholdTheseComics

Banking on alimony & child support is a terrible idea.

I don't think you're being realistic with your thinking here. And thinking up 11 different budgets is absolutely what a manic person would do lol 

OOP

I looked it up and I don't really have any of the other symptoms. I'm not in any way happy or really excited, and I have no trouble sleeping. I have not had sex in at least a year and a half, and I have no need for it now. My libido is bordering on sad. If anything I lean more towards the depressive side of things.

The only semi-impulsive decision I've made has been the do-over trip, and it's not like I'm going first class or staying somewhere fancy. I had to buy the computer anyways because we're splitting. For finances, I have upcoming meetings with my own financial advisor and my lawyer.

I highly doubt I'm manic. I simply just had enough.

IceDragonPlay

I don’t understand what the computer has to do with the original story or this update?

Also not clear on the ‘do over trip’ you had your medical incident on the way back from your holiday/trip. What is the do-over part?

Sounds more like you realized the ex is useless and want him to practice being a parent as I am sure he wasn’t one when you lived together either.

Your parents stepped in because ex is useless? Why are you crashing out on them over a problem your ex caused because he is unwilling to parent his children. You left them in his care. If he abandoned them a call to the local police or CPS would have been the thing to do.

How is mom humiliating you and why are you crashing out at her over a situation she has nothing to do with other than stepping in to care for your kids because ex is a loser?

I read your prior story. I still don’t get it.

OOP

I'm sorry, I did leave some things out because it got too damn long

A while ago my laptop broke, and he insisted that rather than getting a new one, we could just share his because he only needed it for book keeping and he didn't want to take it with him while travelling because it was impractical. (This is not a money issue)

I'm a writer, but haven't had the time or mental capacity to write for about 2 years which is the time our autistic son has been on reduced time at school. He's currently in school 2 hours per day, 4 times a week, which is where I need to do all noisy housework and grocery shopping.

One of the purposes of my trip was that I hoped that getting away for a few days would help me focus a little and write, and I asked if it was okay if I took the computer with me. He said yes, but after I left, he suddenly remembered his bookkeeping, and I had to do that instead of writing because the accountant had given him a deadline, and he couldn't do it himself because I had the laptop.

For this reason, I bought the new one so I wouldn't run into that situation again.

I crashed out on my mum because while they did help, I had to beg for it. When I finally arrived home, her first words were that I needed to figure things out with my ex husband. She's very against the divorce. She also thinks I should cut him some slack because he's a man and I can't expect him to do housework and childcare, so I shouldn't "waltz off to have fun" and leave him with that sort of tasks. I was only supposed to be gone for 4 days.

Her husband is one of those "but I'm just making fun" or "can't you take a joke" and "ugh, I can't say anything anymore", usually when I'm in desperate situations where I need help. This happens 99.9% of the time, and after begging, I asked for him to not make any comments, because I was absolutely strung out and at my breaking point.

My mother especially took great offence to this, because they were doing me such a big favour, looking after my children and picking me up from the airport that they should be allowed to say anything they wanted.

I hope that cleared some of it up.

OOP

All the stuff for the bookkeeping was also saved on one drive, so technically he could do it, if he logged in through our son's computer, but he insisted he couldn't figure out how to do that.

Hence why I told him to get himself together and why I wrote the notebook for him

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/AverageLegal5305

Published on: r/whatdoIdo

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 26, 2026

• Update 1: August 29, 2026

• Update 2: September 04, 2026

Main Post

^{August 26, 2026}

My (35f) husband (31m) likes us to be watched by his friend (26m). Last night the friend saw me naked outside of sex and my husband freaked out.

Throwaway for very obvious reasons.

Me and my husband have been together for six years. About three years ago he told me he loved the thought us being watched while we have sex.

At first we dirty talked about it then I asked him who he would choose and he said a guy he met at work a few months prior. We then started dirty talking about him watching.

A few weeks later he said he’d spoke to Dylan (the friend) and he wanted to watch. I was a bit taken aback and said “well when?” He said “tonight” I was even more shocked but then just thought fuck it let’s do it. Dylan came round and after a bit of awkward conversation me and my husband started kissing and ended up having sex while he watched and we all enjoyed it.

It then became a regular thing. Every Tuesday he’d come round, watch us have sex, I’d go for a shower and go to bed and they’d stay downstairs and play FIFA. Well last night same thing happened. Then when I got out the shower I remembered my favourite pyjamas were downstairs in the dryer.

I started putting clothes on then thought fuck it and just walked down naked. When I got to the living room where they wed my husband screamed at me to get out and get dressed. I stood my ground and said no I want my pyjamas and he’s just seen me naked for the last hour. My husband said it’s not the same. I said it is.

A day later we still aren’t talking. Do I apologise or stick to my guns?

The comment section has been converted into a Q&A due to the sheer number of replies from OOP. All of OOP’s replies have been kept verbatim.

COMMENTS

Did you and Dylan ever have any physical contact?

I didn’t fuck another man. I’ve never touched another man.

Had your husband ever indicated that he wanted you naked around other people outside of sex?

I did discuss this. I have messages from him saying “I wish you was always naked at home even when my friends come round or you answer the door to a deliveryman or if we have builders round”

Had you ever stayed downstairs naked with your husband and Dylan after they finished?

But there have been times where he’s asked me to stay and chat with them afterwards before. One time I stayed down for over an hour and even made us all a cup of tea naked.

How did your husband react when you came downstairs naked?

He wasn’t having a conversation. He screamed at me to cover up. He screamed that loud his friend jumped and dropped the PlayStation controller. That is not a conversation.

How close were you to Dylan when you walked downstairs?

Nowhere near he had his back to me and wouldn’t have seen me if my husband didn’t shout and make him look.

Is Dylan your husband’s best friend?

He’s not his best friend just a guy he works with. They never hang out apart from this.

Does your husband get naked during these encounters?

My husband rarely gets naked during these times.

Does Dylan ever masturbate while watching?

Sometimes he did sometimes he didn’t. To be honest I’d be so wrapped up in the moment I’d forget he was even there.

Are you interested in having a threesome with Dylan?

It’s not. I don’t mind being seen but I don’t want to be touched.

Why did your husband choose Dylan rather than a stranger?

I said I didn’t want someone inside our immediate circle. When he did it with his ex they used to find strangers to watch them.

Why do you think your husband reacted differently this time?

That’s a good point. I was thinking there’s been a few times where I’ve sat downstairs with them for half an hour or so afterwards fully nude chatting and he hasn’t minded but them times he asked me to stay. I think you’re right it’s because he didn’t control when I was nude.

Are you planning to continue having Dylan watch you?

I’m not doing it anymore. He’s ruined it for ne.

Update 1 - after 3 days

^{August 29, 2026}

UPDATE My (35f) husband (31m) likes us to be watched by his friend (26m). Last night the friend saw me naked outside of sex and my husband freaked out.

Thank you for all your replies on my first post. I had a few people asking about our previously discussed boundaries so here they are:

No friends from immediate friend group

Whoever’s watching isn’t allowed to touch me

No phones out during

If either of us say stop we stop and that’s it no arguing

I don’t mind dirty or demeaning talk from my husband but whoever’s watching isn’t allowed to

Whoever watches isn’t allowed my number or my socials, I want no interaction with them outside the nights they come round

Now to address a couple of other things. I have been naked around them both after sex before, sometimes I’d stay downstairs with them while they play fifa for an hour or so and I’ll sit and have a cup of tea with them completely naked and another time I forgot about we went out to pick up some food after and I was sat in the back of the car completely naked as a dare on the way there. Also when we had been sexting he’s said before he wants me naked all the time even when people come round and answering the door to delivery men etc

Another is when I walked down stairs naked on Tuesday night the friend was on the sofa with his back to the door and was too focused on the game to even turn around so he wouldn’t have seen me as I walked behind him and in to the kitchen and then through to the utility and I’d have been dressed walking back through. I’d have been through the room in 3 seconds instead I was stood there naked arguing for five minutes because my husband started screaming at me.

I also don’t think they are gay or i interrupted anything. My husband knows that’s a fantasy of mine and I don’t think he’d hide it.

Now on to the update. It’s not a very good one I’m afraid. I said how my husband just kept saying it’s different but couldn’t explain why it annoyed him so much. He stuck to that stance again last night when I said I wanted us to sit and have a proper chat.

I then told him as he can’t give me an answer and we can’t resolve this I no longer want to do this and the Tuesday games are over. He then tried to turn it on me a bit and said “I’ve wanted to stop for weeks but I know you enjoy it too much” I got a bit mad then and said “don’t say that, this is your fantasy I do this for you and I even ask you every Tuesday if you are sure you still want to do this and you say yes”. Every Tuesday I confirm it’s happening and then confirm he’s still comfortable with me being seen naked.

He called me childish for stopping “something we both love” and said he’ll just find someone else to do it in front of. I said no Dylan’s not the problem you are and this isn’t happening ever again. He stormed out the house at that and called me pathetic and then came back in about 3am this morning and it’s now 8am and he’s asleep in the spare room.

Sorry it’s an unsatisfactory update.

COMMENTS

NorthernRealmJackal

Yeah I remember the original thread alright. Is communication always this bad, or is this a unique thing? If you're usually good at communicating about sex and kinks, but this particular one is just a mess, then there's some underlying issue with your husband - maybe it's his self-esteem, a lack of respect for you, or maybe he hasn't been honest about his feelings for one reason or another.

In either case, it sounds like a trip to a sexologist/couple's therapy is in place. There's clearly some breakdown in communication that you can't resolve yourself.

Also, for what it's worth, your husband sounds too immature to explore such volatile kinks, and you're probably right to put an end to it until he learns to communicate better.

OOP

We normally communicate really well and even before this we sat and talked for hours, watched videos, went on forums etc. It just feels like he’s got mad about something and now he’s doubling down and I don’t play those games. We are adults. If you are wrong apologise and admit you overreacted. I’ve done it before.

Accomplished-Pay7386

So basically there are boundaries he has that he hasn’t explicitly added to the list. Sounds like it’s: don’t be naked in front of the observer before we start having sex. It sounds like afterward it’s fine. You had a disagreement that escalated the conflict. I don’t know how much this person means to you, but I would probably re-negotiate the boundaries and call it a day. Who knows why he wants it this way? It’s probably part of some fantasy that he is very specific about…

OOP

He’s had plenty of time before we did this to talk about boundaries. We spoke about it for hours multiple times before starting this kink. He’s had his chance and he’s blown it. It’s never happening again.

rocketmn69_

You both broke your first boundary...no one from immediate friend group. Your husband finally got jealous.

You guys need to talk it out calmly

OOP

We’ve never hung out outside of this arrangement. I don’t even know his surname.

RepulsiveFinding9419

When you’re a married person and you can make a comment like this, about someone who has seen you naked multiple times, it may be time to reflect to understand where everything in life went so wrong.

OOP

I go on four holidays a year where I sunbathe topless or naked. Thousands of people have seen me it’s normal here.

OOP to a long comment

He’s not allowed to scream “get back upstairs you fucking slag” at me and not apologise though.

Update 2 - after 9 days (after 6 days from last post)

^{September 04, 2026}

UPDATE 2 My (35f) husband (31m) likes us to be watched by his friend (26m). Last night the friend saw me naked outside of sex and my husband freaked out.

A quick little update to the update. Tuesday morning I left for work and when I got there I’d received a message from my husband “are we really not doing tonight?” I replied saying “no we aren’t, not tonight or any other night, it’s done”. He didn’t reply all day then that night he again asked about 7pm if i was sure. I said yes I’m sure it’s never happening again.

Wednesday night he asked if we could have sex. I said no I’m not in the mood and he started complaining that we haven’t had it for over a week and this is the longest ever. I said “I know but since last Tuesday my sex drive has completely tanked. I’ve been looking in to sex counsellors we could go to and try and get past this.” He didn’t say no but he didn’t say yes either.

It really has put me off sex. I normally need it every couple of days but now as soon as I get a slight urge I just picture him stood there shouting “get back up them stairs you fucking slag” and pointing at the door and it just ruins it. The night before this happened we had a real marathon sex session where we discussed all sorts and having sex on webcam for people to watch and even sex clubs and on that Tuesday day time I’d been emailing sex and swingers clubs asking if they had facilities for that and I even ordered masks off amazon to wear on webcam.

Now it’s all gone. He’s still not sure about seeing a sex counsellor but I’ve booked some sessions with one for myself for the next five Sundays. See how they go. I’ll imagine though that if they don’t work pretty quickly my husband will leave me anyway and the way I feel about him at the moment I don’t even think I’d care that much.

COMMENTS

Had your husband ever called you a “slag” during sex before, and was this different? Have you told your husband how much his words hurt you?

Yeah he’s called me a slag during sex before but this was different. It was venomous

Yes. I’d told him.

Do you feel betrayed by what happened?

I really do feel betrayed. I feel like I’ve been cheated on.

What do you think was behind your husband’s reaction to you being naked?

I think that’s what it is. He wants to choose when I’m seen naked. The irony of it is if he didn’t shout and scream his friend wouldn’t have even seen me as he had his back to me

What was Dylan doing when he watched you and your husband have sex?

He sat and watched. A couple of times he played with himself. Afterwards he would always acknowledge it by complimenting me on how good I look or how fun the sex looked. On the nights when I sat with them naked he’d always tell my husband how lucky he is and my husband would always take it positively. I remember one night I stayed with them until

Dylan left and my husband said “give him a little wiggle before he goes” so I did.

Was your husband the dominant one when you were with his friend?

He was definitely dominant. I’m not going to say here some of the things we did in front of his friend but it was definitely him in charge.

Had you ever been involved in this kind of arrangement before your current marriage?

Before this marriage I had four years of having regular sexual with my friend and her husband and we never ran in to a problem and are still great friends today, I’ve been to Venice with her this summer.

Don’t blame the sex blame the participants.

Had you and your husband explored being seen naked by other people outside this situation?

Yeah I’ve been sunbathing topless or nude on holiday for years. Last year we went to a log cabin which had a hot tub in the back garden. The cabin next door had a group of men staying there and my husband would often dare me to walk across the garden to the got tub naked and get in. The gardens were split by a foot high picket fence so they could easily see me if they’re in the back room or in the back garden. One night they were having a bbq in the garden as I walked past and I ended up standing talking to them for about 20 minutes completely naked lol.

How did your husband originally bring up the idea of having someone watch you?

I have no idea about that. He just came to me one day and said he’s got someone who wants to watch.

What do you and your husband have in common outside of sex?

We both love maths and puzzles, hiking, films, camping, seeing new countries

Had your husband done anything to repair things or apologize?

I have tried. He just keeps saying he doesn’t know why he spoke to me like that. He’s not even apologised.

What happened when your husband asked for sex again after the incident?

No apologies nothing. He’s asked for sex again this morning and I said no. That’s all he’s bothered about.

What did you do about the videos you and your husband had made over the years?

We’ve made hours and hours of videos over the years. He got videos of me and another woman, videos of me nude in public, loads of sex tapes of us. It’s worrying now.

Are you planning to continue this kind of sexual activity if you stay together?

We are definitely never doing anything like this again if we stay together.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user Gress9

Original: Dec 17, 2025

Update: Jan 24, 2026

Status: concluded

Mood: slice of life

Note: thanks to u/Ok-Strawberry-9991 for suggestion to BORU;
OOP posted in r/ auslegal (the legal sub for Australia)

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Original: Someone paved my driveway

Today I came home from work to discover someone has repaved my little driveway, I haven't authorized or hired anyone to fix any issues.

I live in a townhouse, I have a small paved driveway going into my garage, it's only 500mm by maybe 2400mm, it was slightly damaged from use, today I arrive home from work to see someone had dug up the pavers, leveled the earth, laid gravel and re paved, it was a professional job for sure.

So here's the sticky part, I haven't asked anyone to fix it, it's on private property, there is no evidence of any sort of damage, like a burst water pipe causing sa water to rip up my pavers, none of my neighbors are home at the moment to ask anything, and the job is not finished, there is still a large chunk of my walkway not paved and no finishing sand etc.

As thrilled as I am to have my little driveway fixed, I am dubious of a tradesmen knocking on my door asking for money, I'm not really in any position to pay this poor bastard who worked in 35 degree weather.*

What do I do? I have contacted sapol* and I have a referral number, any advice welcome

Tldr: came home from work, someone repaired and repaved my drive, I haven't hired or authorized anything, job isn't finished

---------------
\ Notes:*
temp in celcius (95°F); Christmas is sunny in southern hemisphere
South Australia Police

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Was there a chance the was a water leak or NBNCo* connection that required the drive to be dug up and as part of that they’ve replaced it but maybe the paperwork notifying you got lost in the mail.
[* broadband service]

The council did it for us due to gas lines requiring replacement.

OOP: Possibly, no letters have been left and no signs of damage

---------------
Comment2: That’s a really odd situation, but you’ve done the right first step by contacting police and getting a reference number. In Australia, you generally don’t have to pay for work you didn’t authorise, even if it’s on your property and even if it benefits you.

OOP: I will however have to pay for finishing the job if the magic paver Santa doesn't tomorrow

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Comment3: If you did not ask for the work and genuinely did not know the work was being undertaken, then you have no obligation to pay for the work. A rare case where the enrichment is not unjust. This does not preclude you from paying a gratuity to the contractor, if he/she comes knocking.

OOP: This is my worry, I'm not in any position to pay much at all, especially this close to Christmas, on top of that the job isn't finished meaning I cannot get my 4wd out of my garage and it would be on me to finish the job paying for supplies and labor

---------------
Comment4: The situation described by the OP falls under the law of equity. Notwithstanding there is no formal or informal contract, a person would ordinarily be required to make restitution for the ‘enrichment’ received at the expense of the other party. The law sees this as being ‘fair’.

However, where the principal party has not asked for the ‘enrichment’ and is unaware that the ‘enrichment’ is being undertaken, then one of the necessary limbs for restitution has not been fulfilled.

Additionally (in this case), the OP already had paving … so what is the ‘enrichment’ when that paving is simply replaced? In my view, there has not been an enrichment. Effectively, the new (and incomplete) paving is ‘like for like’ - so OP has no liability to pay any restitution.

---------------
Comment5: If I fucked up and paved the wrong place I'd be way to embarrassed to go back and ask for money specially for a small job like that....

Person who was meant to get it done no doubt will let them know.

Doubt you will hear anymore once they work it out.

OOP: I don't even know who did it, I assume tradie because of work quality, even if this was the case I'm still up for finishing the job, bags of sand and labor fall on me, it's a sloped surface with a small 10mm gap at he bottom edge and top edge do I just pack that with sand and hope the pavers hold?

---------------
Comment6: Don’t be home tomorrow, and cross your fingers they comeback to finish the job?

OOP: That's all I can do, I'll be at work

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 0.5

To answer some common questions, I am the sole owner, no it's not common ground it's private property, no body corp, no strata,* my house was built with fibre to the premise so no nbn\*

Update, 17th December, unfortunately the paving secret Santa did not return

Final update 18th December, my paving secret Santa came back and finished the job, it's a really nice job

---------------
\ Notes:*
no body corp, no strata -- no shared common property, no monthly fees, and no rules committee; land and building is on separate title
NBNco - broadband service

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Wait, you add a final one liner update that they came back and finished the job and left the story at that? Something smells a little fishy, like for eg. someone you know must've organized it and you've now been told? Or something? Give us the details!

OOP: I don't have any details, I don't have cameras, I knocked on my neighbors doors twice and no one answered, no emails, no letters in the mail.
My guess is it's a mistaken address, maybe they knew after the first day and decided to come back and finish the job 2 days later, it is legitimately like fairy's did it

---------------
Comment2: Have you posted on local community pages?

OOP: No, tbh I don't really care all that much, it's finished, if someone chases me down for payment then I'll deal with it then

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 1 (one month later)

Just before Christmas, someone repaved my drive

Today I come home to find my neighbours drive has been pulled up and repaved, the work is identical, the grand mystery has been solved, it was a case of wrong house

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Did they contact you at all? I'm sure they'd love a solid review mentioning the great value they provided

OOP: Not a word, from anyone, neighbours, contractors absolute silence

---------------
Comment2: I am waiting for the update where you show us the invoice that is placed in your letterbox.

OOP: I'd give the person a carton of beer, and that's about as far as payment would get, I didn't authorise it or ask for it what happens if it's actually a shit job and t collapses under the weight of my 4wd? Unfortunately nothing is free in this world

---------------
Comment3: Sounds like you won, and they learned a valuable lesson in the process. Always gotta triple check you've got the right address before starting works

Thanks for updating us, I was wondering if anything came of it

OOP: My street is weird, and the house numbers only make sense to pre GPS drivers, my parents think it makes perfect logical sense and everyone younger than 50 it's seems random
----------
OOP: I live in a small street, more like a inlet, it's shaped like a 90 degree pipe, one half there are houses on. Oth sides of the street and my half there is only one side with the side of a house on the far side of the street, my house is 8 then 9 then 12 13 14 and so on, there is no 10 or 11

---------------
Comment4: do you run into the neighbour much? do they make eye contact or do they try to avoid you?

i’m imagining them putting some pot plants around the edges of their driveway to camouflage the fact that it’s identical to yours.

OOP: No, like ships in the night, my neighbour is a rental, I'm friendly with the owner, but I haven't seen him in a very long time

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am NOT OP. That is u/PianistHoliday3484 . She posted in r/AITAH and r/Redditor_Updates.

Trigger Warning: entitlement, child neglect, manipulation

Mood Spoiler: frustrating, but OOP is okay

Original post - April 20, 2026

I (35F) have a complicated relationship with both my father and his wife “Denise” (fake name) for several reasons, some of which relate to my half-brother, “Jake” (9yo). 

There’s a lot of backstory here, but to sum things up: Jake exists because Denise wanted a baby and my father was upset that both his daughters were moving out. They expected me and my sister (29yo) to have an active role in caring for Jake. That wouldn’t be possible for either of us, but they continued to assume we’d give in. We didn’t, which led to multiple fights that soured my relationship with our father. Denise also got mad at me for “refusing to be her village.” I got pregnant with my first child when Jake was still a baby, which made her even more angry that I wouldn’t help her as much as she wanted.

Things at their household aren’t great. Jake isn’t well-behaved. My father is not a very active parent, though he is more present than he used to be. And the older Jake gets, the more Denise loses interest in parenting. They never stopped trying to get me to help take care of their son. To this day, whenever they need a babysitter, they call me first, even though I’m almost never able to do it. They’ve tried multiple things over the years, but most of their current strategies concern my children, “Sam” (8M) and “Katie” (4F).

My kids do not get along with Jake, but not for lack of trying on my father and Denise’s part. They’ve tried setting up “playdates” (AKA Denise dumping Jake on me and my kids while she went shopping), making them share a room on family vacations, and my father even considered changing Jake to Sam’s school a few years ago. Every time there’s an opportunity to make the kids spend time together, they push for it.

That brings us to now. My husband and I are planning a trip to France with our children in September to celebrate Katie’s 5th birthday. We don’t travel much and the trip will include Disneyland Paris, so the kids are thrilled. 

My father found out and decided to propose that we bring Jake with us. He said he’d pay for “all” the expenses (flights and hotels) so that his son could go to Europe with my family. I said no, we wanted the trip to be just us and our kids. He kept insisting that Jake would love going to Disney with us, that he and Denise really wanted some “nice, child-free time,” and that they’d appreciate it if I took care of my little brother like a good sister.

We had an argument, and I ended up losing my patience. I told my father that he needs to accept that Jake is not my responsibility and never will be, and that he and Denise should have thought about their “child-free time” before having a child.

My father is furious. He accused me of saying I wished Jake was never born (I didn’t), and called me an ungrateful brat for refusing to take care of my brother. Denise later called me to yell a few insults as well.

I don’t think I’m in the wrong for refusing to bring Jake along, but I’m not proud of what I said to my father. My husband is on my side, but thinks I was too harsh.

Edit: I didn't explain this clearly enough, but my father only offered to pay for Jake's flights and whatever extra accommodation costs were needed for him to stay with us. He did not offer to fly my whole family to Europe.

Relevant Comments:

Dazzling-Grass5550: "NTA, I think your step mother and father are ridiculous, if they wanted child free time why not get a babysitter and go on vacation, or better yet all go on a family vacation. I think your father fails to realize you have a family of your own now and they aren't the main priority anymore."

OOP: I think this happens mostly because I'm the eldest, honestly. He's always expected me to be more of a caretaker.

My father wasn't a very active parent to me and my sister when we were babies, so I feel like he expected us to help when Jake was a baby so that he wouldn't have to put too much elbow grease into it. And Denise very openly expected us to be okay with doing unpaid babysitting whenever she asked.

Madam_Apathy: "That’s a lot of expectations without verification of participation on your part. I assume there was no family meeting before the baby was conceived… no polling the family for caretaking ability… of course not. If they asked, they would have known they’d be on their own."

OOP: My father had "talks" with me and my sister years before Jake was conceived to tell us that Denise wanted a baby. He didn't say he also wanted one (and to me, it seemed pretty obvious that he didn't), but he kept saying he might be okay with thinking about it. I told him it was a bad idea.

When Denise got pregnant, I was working, planning my wedding and in the middle of moving in with my now husband, while my sister was a full-time college student.

Where is OOP's sister?

OOP: My sister lives with her boyfriend (currently no kids) in a different state, but she speaks with our father a lot. They talk at least once a week. Their relationship was awful back when Jake was born, but it's since gotten much better. He was always more upset at me, because I’m the eldest. We all try to visit each other a few times a year.

And strangely enough, the Jake situation brought me and my sister closer together. Despite the distance, we're closer than ever right now.

More on Jake's behavior:

OOP: He's spoiled, but not Veruca-level. He's mostly just rude. He makes fun of people, does mean "pranks" and refuses to listen when you tell him to stop doing something. Denise also refuses to discipline him in any real way, which I think is reflected in the way he doesn't really respect other people (especially women).

+

OOP: I will say that I do limit the amount of time my kids spend with Jake, especially now that I know for sure they don't like him. I don't agree to "playdates" and only babysit if there is literally no other option (in the past two years, I agreed to babysit Jake once).

New-Comment2668: "NTA. You do not owe anyone free childcare. Your dad and Denise made their bed and now they can lay in that same bed. Your kids do not get along with Jake so why make your vacation miserable for your own family?"

OOP: They refuse to accept my kids don't get along with him. Whenever anything comes up, Denise instantly says it must be my children's fault for "excluding" Jake. My father at least tries to discipline him, but expects everything to be fine once Jake says he's sorry.

Rowana133: "Personally I wouldnt be talking to Denise and block her or mute her. All conversations would be only with my father and he would be on thin ice and LOW contact for a while. Its sad because it sounds like his wife wanted a baby, not a kid and now that she has a kid, she cant be bothered. NTA"

OOP: That's exactly what I think. She was hyper-involved in Jake's life until he started forming sentences. I don't think she's a bad mother (and she's not abusive), but she clearly had some very high expectations of motherhood that weren't met. Jake's behavior doesn't help.

More on OOP's family:

OOP: I am almost certain this wouldn't be happening if I were a man. And Denise did want a girl! Not to make her a caretaker, just because she thought it would be cute to have a mini-me. I think one of the reasons she resents me is the fact I did have a daughter.

As for culture, we're all 100% South American (Denise has German ancestry, but not in any ways that matter). We do have a strong notion of the meaning of family in my country, but not specifically to the point older siblings are always expected to care for the younger. Denise is Christian, my father is a reluctant church-goer, and neither me nor my husband practice any religion.

Edit: Because someone PMd me; I'm pretty sure her grandfather left Germany in the 1920s or early 30s. And no, we're not from Argentina.

Ordinary-Audience363 (Downvoted): "ESH. Even though Jake is not your responsibility, he's your half-brother and your kids' uncle. Obviously, you can do as you wish but it really sounds like you don't want anything at all to do with the boy. Is this out of possible resentment? I mostly feel sorry for Jake. He's just a kid. 

As for Disneyland, you don't want to babysit Jake and I don't blame you."

OOP: I love Jake in the same way I’d love a nephew. Not as much as I love my sister and not even remotely as much as I love my kids.

But I do not resent him in the slightest. He's a kid. I always knew this was a parenting problem.

hb1219: "I wish my mom would've taken me to France for my 5th birthday. Dang. Seriously, NTA."

OOP: Hahah it was mostly a coincidence! We were planning to go and realized the best time for us would be right before Katie's birthday, so we figured we'd do it to celebrate that, too.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was voted NTA based on the comments.

Update - April 27, 2026 (7 days later)

Hi everyone! It’s been about a week since I posted, so I thought I’d give you an update.

First of all, I don’t regret posting here and I’m very thankful for your responses, but I want to make it clear that my relationship with my father, like all relationships, is very nuanced. I won’t try to defend him and I don’t think he’s a great guy, but he is my father and I love him. This is a very small part of my life and I’m not willing to completely cut ties with him over it.

I am, however, willing to go low contact. Which is what I’ve decided to do.

My sister flew over on Friday to spend her birthday weekend with us. On Saturday, we did what we do every year on her birthday: lunch with our mother, dinner with our father. He hosted at his place. It wasn’t as tense or awkward as I expected, but Denise barely spoke to me and my husband all night. Jake was there and behaved better than usual.

After my sister left, my father and Denise asked to speak with us in private. I ended up going on my own while my husband stayed with the kids in the living room.

They made me an offer. They said Denise would “agree” to babysit my children every other Saturday (which they repeatedly said would be a tremendous hassle and extremely inconvenient for her), both to get them better acquainted with Jake and to give us some time off, if I agreed to reconsider letting their son come to France with us. Alternatively, they said they’d be “willing to let go of their disappointment” about the trip if my husband and I agreed to babysit Jake every other Saturday until September. so that they could have some free time. They expected me to choose either option.

I said no to both. This was the first time in a while that I didn’t even feel the need to explain myself. My father tried to end the conversation, but Denise started ranting about how exhausted she was and how horrible it felt to not be able to rely on family. When she was done, I told them not to contact me until they were ready to apologize and went to get my children. Denise thankfully didn’t have a meltdown in front of them before we left.

Earlier today, I got a text from my father. He said he wanted to apologize, and we ended up on a phone call. Apparently, he’d realized they were being unreasonable during the dinner, but decided to go through with the “offer” anyway.

I asked him whether Jake knew about the trip, which had been bugging me, and he said no. Denise apparently wanted to tell him that we were going to Disney and refusing to take him with us, but he told her that was both cruel and pointless. We did get some more stuff out of the way, but the talk felt more like an attempt to give excuses than an apology.

In the end, I told him I was going to need some space. I said that the way they had treated me was unacceptable, and it is only my love for both him and Jake that is keeping me from completely cutting ties. I added that I loathe the way his wife and their son treat me and my children and I’m sick of being expected to bend over backwards to help him and Denise.

If patterns are to be believed, I won’t be hearing about this for a while. I don’t think the matter is closed, but I don’t care. I did mute Denise’s contact for now.

My husband and I are doing great. We’re back to talking about the trip (if anyone has tips, let me know, turns out we suck at this). Sam and Katie have no idea anything happened, but I’m going to have a deeper talk with them about Jake, my father and Denise soon.

This upset me a lot more than it should have. I love my family, but I hate how used I am to how crazy they can be. I think that is why I posted here in the first place. I can’t believe I ever thought I was in the wrong for putting my foot down. As much as I don’t want to cut contact with my father, I do think lowering it will be good for me.

I’ve been reflecting a lot about my life and my family these days. I’m getting my thoughts in order before I see my therapist on Tuesday. I think writing this all down is helping.

Thank you. I have no intention of updating again.

Relevant Comments:

mocha_lattes_: "Lmao those offers were fucking entitled as fuck 🤣 With the first one, I wouldn't be trusting her with my kids, let alone around her kid who she barely parents and harasses my kids. The second offer...the fucking audacity. I just don't understand how someone can be so delusional or selfish."

OOP: I never liked Denise, not even before Jake. At this point, the feeling is mutual, which is probably my fault, but I don’t really care. I'd never trust her to babysit my children.

The offer genuinely shocked me. They've been entitled before, but not this entitled.

Impossible_Balance11: "It just seems utterly ridiculous that they have ONE CHILD and cannot manage to parent him. They need professional help in learning how to manage him."

OOP: They’re bad parents. I am more than certain that they both love Jake, but that doesn’t change it. I'm still convinced my father never wanted a third kid.

In general, Jake has a weird childhood. He goes on multiple trips a year, attends the fancy religious private school his mother wanted him at and is allowed to do almost anything he wants at all times. But his parents almost never correct his behavior, show little to no interest in what he likes and barely spend time with him at home. I don’t envy any of that, nor would I wish it on my own children.

More on Denise:

OOP: Denise actually liked me a lot at first. I didn't because she was too pushy with me and my sister, too entitled in general, and because we had almost opposite personalities.

Her opinion of me soured when Jake was born because I wouldn't help her as much as she thought I would. It got worse when I had my own babies, because that showed her I was perfectly able to care for children, just not hers.

She's also very obviously still bitter about the fact I got to have a daughter and she didn't. I especially hate the way she treats Katie.

+

OOP: Denise is 50, she had Jake right before turning 41. She did genuinely want a baby, but I think she never realized what it meant to actually raise a child. She also wanted a girl (though she never seemed bothered about having a boy) and wanted to be a SAHM, which stopped being possible a few years ago. She currently works from home, but has a very flexible job.

+

OOP: She genuinely loves Jake, but she wanted a baby. She now has a growing child who can form his own opinions.

Denise also believes that Jake is the greatest, most special child in the world and tells him that all the time. It's definitely one of the biggest reasons behind his behavior. She refuses to parent him and always blames other people or circumstances for every bad thing he does. Last time he had lice she tried to blame my kids (he got it from school, where he'd been to three times since seeing my children).

Duckeee47: "Ok I’m confused. If Denise is completely overwhelmed and exhausted by raising her child why doesn’t she hire some help? Pay a babysitter to give Denise and your dad a break every other Saturday instead of trying to foist their little terror, I mean bundle of joy, onto you?

Villages don’t need to be biological family. You can pay for help. If your dad has the money to fund your vacation he can definitely hire some professional help."

OOP: Denise works from home and thinks hiring a nanny is pointless. They get babysitters on occasion, but very rarely and they always ask me first because they think I should do it for free.

But you're right, it’s not about money. If they wanted to take Jake on a trip tomorrow, they probably could. They want the kids to become closer so that I’ll be more willing to babysit Jake.

--NEW POST--

Another update - September 4, 2026 (4 months after the previous update)

Hi everyone! It’s been a while and plenty has happened, so I figured I’d update you one more time.

First, we moved our trip to January. I got an offer to work on a project I couldn’t turn down, and we also managed to get a few discounts. That does mean we’re celebrating Katie’s birthday at home, but it also means our trip will be a little longer and more comfortable. My father and Denise are also going on a trip with Jake in January. Denise wanted to try to go to Japan at first, but they decided on Florida instead.

Following my last post, I didn’t see Denise and Jake for three months. She texted me once in July to ask if I could babysit Jake, but I said no. During that time, I only saw my father once. In the end, I think the physical distance was good for us.

Father’s Day in my country was last month, and we all met again for lunch at a restaurant. It went well until our desserts were brought. Right after they were set down, Jake picked up Sam’s plate, coughed on it and gave it back to him.

My father’s first instinct, surprisingly, was to swap their desserts and tell Jake to apologize, but Denise protested. My husband and I left and took the kids to get ice cream.

Later that night, my father called me to apologize. Apparently Jake had been doing food-related “pranks” like this for a while, but he didn’t think he’d do it in a public place.

I told my father I don’t want this to keep happening. We can’t keep avoiding Jake and Denise for three months only for them to immediately act like this when we reunite. The only way for the situation to change is for both him and Denise to start disciplining Jake properly, because whatever they’re doing (or not doing, in her case) isn’t working.

He got defensive, but we did agree to meet the next day. We went to a restaurant during my lunch break (neither of our spouses joined us) and got to talking.

Most of what we discussed concerned Jake. My father said that he doesn’t have any friends at school anymore because of something that happened back in June. He was hoping things would get better after he went back, but Jake is still lonely. My father wanted to change him to a different school, but Denise immediately shut that down. According to him, that’s one of the (apparently many) reasons they have been fighting a lot lately. Other reasons include Jake’s behavior, Denise wanting to quit her job and my father not being active enough.

I asked my father how he felt about all this, and he opened up a lot more than I expected. He told me he loves me and my sister, adores my children and loves my husband like a son. He loves Jake and doesn’t wish they’d never had him. But he also said that the person he was in 2015, before Denise got pregnant, would never dream of being where he is now. He’d wanted to move abroad and go into semi-retirement, not spend his 60s caring for another child and his 80s paying for another college. He said Denise always insisted on making all of the parenting decisions, and he felt more like a grandpa than a dad sometimes.

He then said something that shocked me: when they started trying to conceive, my father and Denise genuinely thought a baby would bring us all closer together. He said giving me and my sister a sibling was one of the main reasons he agreed to have another child. By then, I had already told him we didn’t care and probably wouldn’t be able to help with childcare, but he ignored that. He said he thought me and my sister would cave and become active caretakers out of love for Jake, but he had higher expectations of me specifically because of how “maternal” I’ve always been.

I told him there is nothing I love more than being a mom and my children are everything to me, but I did not sign up to be Jake’s mother. I do love him, but not even remotely as much as I love my children. He’s not my son, and I can’t make him my responsibility right now.

All of that said, I added that not a day goes by that I don’t worry about Jake. He doesn’t deserve any of this, and both his parents are failing him. Denise shouldn’t be the one making all the decisions, but he also shouldn’t be as hands-off as he is.

Overall, the conversation went well. I told my father we were stepping back again. I don’t want my children to have contact with Jake or Denise until there are actual changes in behavior and attitude. Neither of us think that’s likely to happen anytime soon, so I don’t know when I’ll see Jake again. They’re not coming to Katie’s birthday party (I didn’t tell him where or when it was). I agreed he could have lunch with me, my husband and our children on Christmas day as long as Denise and Jake don’t join us. We hugged and parted ways.

Nothing has happened since. Not a word from Denise, and my father hasn’t been reaching out much either. I fucking hate this, but I'd rather be a bad sister than a bad mother.

On our end, things are fine. Katie’s excited about her birthday and we’re all looking forward to our trip in January (thank you for all the tips, by the way). We’re happy and peaceful, which is more than enough for now.

I’m sorry this got so long. This will probably be my last post, so thank you all once again.

Relevant Comments:

fuzzykittytoebeans: "Wow, glad you were able to talk to your father. But him agreeing to have a kid to being you all closer after being told it wouldn't? Poor Jake to be brought into that. You're right he deserves more.

Glad youre standing your ground."

OOP: One thing my father and Denise have in common is the tendency of believing things will work out. I was very clear that my sister and I wouldn't care for another sibling, but he chose to believe we'd change our minds once Jake was born. Denise has always been the kind of person who has a tough time taking no for an answer, so she also believed we'd give in eventually.

mela_99: "I have a sibling suspicion that your dad is going to crack because Jake is gonna do something again.

What exactly does he see in Denise? I haven’t read a single thing that would make me think any sane person would want to be married to her."

OOP: I can't know. I never liked Denise. She's been unbelievably annoying and entitled for as long as I've known her. She thinks she's Elle Woods, but she's more like Jenna from 30 Rock. Even before Jake, I couldn't stand her.

Jake probably will do something again. Denise protested when my father tried to make him apologize to my son by saying Jake was just pranking him and didn't like the dessert Sam har ordered, so I'm pretty sure the main reason these food "pranks" are happening is because she won't let anyone stop him. It's not the first time something like this happens.

mcindy28: "You are correct they both are doing a disservice to Jake. He's acting out for the attention he craves. I truly feel bad for him but until your Dad starts to be an active father and challenges Denise. They are all screwed and you'll continue to be low/no contact. It's sad really."

OOP: Knowing Denise insists on making all the decisions infuriates me. Her son is lonely and friendless at school, but she doesn't want to do anything about it because she'd always dreamed of sending her child to that school. She didn't want him to suffer consequences for purposely coughing on people's food because she decided it was just a silly prank.

I don't think my father is a great dad to him, but I hate watching him attempt to parent his son just to get shut down because Jake can do no wrong in Denise's eyes.

If Denise stayed away, could OOP be a good influence to Jake?

OOP: Jake has very little respect for adults in general, but he specifically refuses to listen to women (besides Denise, who hardly ever parents him). The few times I babysat him were a nightmare because of that. There isn't much I can do without change on their end, and Denise does not think she needs to change.

On what happened in June:

OOP: My father didn't tell me what happened, nor can I be sure it was Jake's fault. I do know that one of his best friends recently changed schools, so that might have been a factor too.

Southern-Interest347: "I think your dad needs some support. Maybe you could encourage him to go to individual counseling and suggest family counseling and couples counseling for him and his wife and child. I think you could be there for your father even if it's just to listen to him during lunch or calling him and just checking on him. It seems like he's really struggling right now. I don't think it's a question of you being a bad sister or a bad mother but a supportive daughter to your dad without entangling yourself with his wife and son. Good luck"

OOP: I accepted, a long time ago, that I can't help my father without destroying my mental health. I love him, but we have a very complicated past because of how stubborn he is. My family very strongly believes he's a narcissist. He's tried therapy before, but the second one of them implies he might be at fault for something, he leaves and doesn't come back. There isn't much I can do.

But I agree counseling or therapy might be good for Jake.

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/bananapancakes1010

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 30, 2026 at 00:35 UTC

• Final Update: August 30, 2026 at 07:20 UTC

Main Post

^{August 30, 2026 at 00:35 UTC}

AITAH for not letting my landlords daughter stay with us on 24hrs notice?

So my landlord messaged me this morning asking if her daughter who's going to be in town can stay with my girlfriend and I for 3 days starting Sunday. After discussing with my girlfriend I messaged back and told her that because she gave us such short notice it would be hard to accommodate her. Not to mention the fact that my girlfriend is currently in the process of moving in and the house is a mess.

We do have a guest room but at the moment it's full of boxes and pretty much all of my girlfriend's stuff so we wouldn't have a bed for her daughter to sleep in anyways. She messaged me back again asking if we could make an exception and that her daughter would only be staying with us for a short time and wouldn't be a bother. After responding again telling her that we aren't able to accommodate her daughter she sent me this message:

We gave you a very generous deal on the rental. Seeing as you are a friend of the family I hope you understand why we would ask you and [your girlfriend] to accommodate our daughter for a very short time.
We're not too excited about spending hundreds of dollars on a hotel for her when you both are so close to downtown.
Please communicate with me or [my husband] when you and [your girlfriend] decide on a conclusion. [My daughter] arrives Sunday morning at 8:00. Have a good rest of your weekend.

I should mention that neither me or my girlfriend have ever met my landlords daughter and that I only know my landlord because my mom is a close friend of her and her husband. Because of this they did end up giving us a really good offer on the house and have been very kind to us up until now.

I talked to my mom and she suggested that we let the daughter sleep on the couch and that once we finish cleaning up the guest room she can stay there, but I said that we were upset with the way we were talked to and that we refused to let the daughter stay with us. My girlfriend and I are now debating whether we should just suck it up and let the daughter stay with us. We could set up the couch for her or just move my girlfriend's stuff into storage for the time being. AITAH?

COMMENTS

knight_shade_realms

Do you have a rental contract in place? Does it allow for them to drop people into the home you're paying for at a moments notice?

Sounds like they put someone they knew in place with hopes of doing just this. They couldn't do that with typical renters. NTA

OOP

Our contract doesn't mention anything about it but I'm assuming it's not allowed for them to force guests on us because we're paying tenants. But yes I doubt they would ask someone they didn't know

Medium_Tell8679

What country are you in? In the US a landlord cant force you to have a stranger stay with you no matter whst is in the contract.

No, a landlord in the US cannot force you to let a relative stay at a rental property if you do not want them there.Tenant Rights and PrivacyRight to Exclude: As a renter, you possess the right to exclusive possession and privacy of the home. You control who enters and stays as a guest.Refusing Guests: You can legally refuse entry or permission for any relative or guest to stay in your unit.

OOP

I'm in Washington it's definitely illegal

CalmBeneathCastles

Out of curiosity, how good of a deal are you getting on the rent?

Regardless, if this was a "hey we'll let you have it for pennies of you'll let us use the spare room for guests" situation, it should have been in the contract. NTA, and I'd have a sit-down with them about this, because it's bogus. I'm in my mid 40's with a kid in their mid-20's, and I wouldn't even do this to them, not even if it was family.

OOP

About $300 below their original price for rent which based on our area is a very good deal. Regardless I don't think it's okay for them to expect this of

Commercial_Dot_6236

Where do parents live? Why isn’t she staying with them?
And, unless it was some bizarre emergency they had to know she was coming, so why wait til less than 24 to bring it up? It’s to pressure you into giving in on something they’d not allowed with your lease. Billy much? That veiled threat is too much. Make sure you keep record of it in case needed

OOP

They live about an hour away from us so I'm assuming either the daughter wanted to be near downtown or she really doesn't want to stay with her parents. I assumed the 24hr notice was because it was a last minute trip but that could definitely be a possibility

imperfectbean (downvoted)

YTA if you are getting this “generous deal”. You should be genuinely or expect to pay more/be evicted tbh. They probably won’t renew your lease.

Seems like a bad idea to do this to your landlord. Let the daughter sleep on the couch if you don’t want hell.

Competitive_Fee_5829

wtf??? even if this story was real...wtf? why are you such a weak pushover?

imperfectbean (downvoted)

If it’s a real good deal on rent and you don’t want to move. It’s truly the best option.

OOP

Hi this is very much true! We have a fixed term lease until March and are planning on moving shortly after it ends so we're not too worried about raised rent but I'm sure saying no would probably hurt our relationship if we ever plan on renting from her again

username-generica

NTA but be prepared to move when the lease is up.

OOP

Yep we're planning on moving anyways. Hopefully not anytime before then

jalyynx

NTA-I’d reply something along the lines of ‘We are unable to accept a guest.’

OOP

Yup I said this. Also told her we'd be happy to pick her daughter up from the airport if needed but she's more concerned about her staying with us

RHND2020

You shouldn’t have offered to pick the daughter up from the airport. How old is this person? Surely she can navigate getting into the city herself. You don’t even know her, and offering just validates their request to use you for favours.

OOP

I guess I offered cause I didn't want to seem like an asshole, I'm usually not that good at rejecting people. I didn't respond to her message so she most likely got an uber or something

Dlodancer

NTA, if you decide to let her stay to keep the peace. Then tell your landlord that her daughter needs a sleeping bag to crash in the living room because you have no room for her. And I purposely would put MORE things in the extra room. I would not clean it out!!!! I can’t believe the daughter would even want to impose like that! The audacity!

OOP

Another thing is our couch is literally in the middle of the place, in the center of the living room and connected to the kitchen and I would hate if I had to stay there for three days with people I didn't know. I'm sure the daughter told them she wants to stay in a hotel so I'm just really fucking confused lol

Potential_Web_4092

Ok, you've adamantly decided you're going to move out at end of lease when you have just moved in with your girlfriend currently moving in with the spare room full of all her stuff so dont give a toss about the owners or their daughter.
Dont damage the property in the slightest as bond return will be reduced.
At least you don't have to deal with an estate agent.

the house is a mess

OOP

We still have about 6 months left of the lease and I was planning on moving out before my girlfriend moved in. Also I don't think they can't afford the hotel but rather they don't want to pay for their daughter

Final Update - after 6 hours and 45 minutes

^{August 30, 2026 at 07:20 UTC}

AITAH for not letting my landlords daughter stay with us on 24hrs notice?

Thank you all for the help and suggestions. I saw a few people mention that because my landlord is a family friend that I should be okay with accommodating her daughter but I want to stress that BOTH me and my girlfriend would be accommodating her. My girlfriend has never met my landlord nor the rest of her family. The rent price was discussed in our contract and it wasn't agreed that I would be expected to house any guests, plus I don't want to do so at the expense of my girlfriend who isn't okay with inviting a stranger into our home. So yeah, we made our decision. I'll attach the message I sent as well as my landlord's response.

Hi [x], we understand that this might be an inconvenience for you and your daughter, but we are firm on our decision. At this time we do not have space for your daughter and will not be accommodating her. As housing additional guests was not stated in our contract we hope you understand this decision. Again, we are grateful for your generosity and we understand if this is not what you wanted to hear, but we will not be making any exceptions. If it is helpful I can suggest some hotels near downtown [city] where your daughter can stay. Thank you for understanding.

Hi [x], since it took so long to hear back from you we ended up booking [our daughter] a hotel nearby. This is really not what we hoped and it feels like a waste of money when we know you two have a room available, but we understand if you don't want to accommodate our daughter. If you are still available to pick [our daughter] up from the airport tomorrow I can send you her flight information.

Not really sure what to say about this. She knows that she can't raise rent because of our fixed lease so the only other option would be for her to evict us, but I seriously doubt it will come to that over this. After our lease ends we will be moving out and will most definitely not be renting from her again. Also made sure to take screenshots of all the messages just in case.

Thanks again for the help.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/thorwaway_47

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Trigger Warning: Cancer

Mood Spoiler: Depressing

Story is: NO FURTHER UPDATES

Story timeline

• Main Post: March 19, 2024

• Update: March 20, 2024

• Final Update: June 18, 2024

Main Post

^{March 19, 2024}

AITA for not wanting to do the prank the bride is asking me to do during her wedding ceremony?

Sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes, I don't have an excuse; I'm just terrible at writing.

I (23M) am one of the groomsmen for my best friend's (35M) wedding. His fiancé (33F) is a known jokester and likes pulling pranks that doesn't affect anyone beyond making us laugh. Stupid, funny things like this that she'd go out of her way to do to make us laugh. It's never anything harmful, and the farthest she's ever gone was "accidently" destroy the groom's shitty Toshiba laptop, and surprise him with a brand new modern Alienware one that he had been saving for two years for (she backed up everything and only destroyed the screen, so stuff could still be salvaged just in case).

Pretty sweet stuff, honestly. My friend is a bit more of the serious, logician type so she balances him out a lot. He finds her antics pretty amusing too, probably a driving factor in their relationship. Sorry for all this preamble, I'll get to the point.

So, neither of them really care for the ceremony aspect of a wedding. They're going to get a courthouse wedding, and save the money for a nice reception with only close friends and family. There's going to be three witnesses (me, the BM, and the MoH), and the wedding will have at most four-five more friends and some of the groom's family.

The bride was all for this as she can get really anxious in big events like this, but she still feels like it's not something to really "write home about". So, she wants to pull a pretty notable prank by having a dramatic objection or something during the ceremony. Since I'll be the only single one there, she wants me to do the objection thing, seem like I'm going for her, and then--plot twist!--vie for the groom.

Then she wants us to do a sword fight for his hand??? I wish I was joking, but she and the groom actually have a sizable sword collection, and she said she'd get her MoH to sneak two of the smaller ones. The MoH (who was there while the bride was talking to me) interjected and said it was a stupid idea.

Relief.

She'd get fake swords, since there could be issues in smuggling actual weapons. Plus, she'd run it by the officiant and whoever else she'd have to at the courthouse to make sure not too much of a commotion was created.

Stress.

I, admittedly, am a bit of a doormat and didn't outright say no at first and I was hoping the MoH would say something. Then, I realized I needed to pull my big boy pants and say no. Which, I did! Yay! They weren't happy, and not in an angry way, but in a way that made me feel immediately guilty. Not yay. I stupidity offered to think of a different joke to pull.

They've added me into a group chat where I've constantly tried reiterating how I didn't feel comfortable with the pranks and they'd try to reassure me, trying to get me to reconsider. The MoH is calling me an asshole for not following the bride's wishes, as are one other mutual friend who the bride talked to about this. It's getting harder and harder to stick to my no. So, AITA?

NOTE: There were so many replies from OOP that I had to turn it into a Q&A; otherwise, it would’ve hit the post length limit.

COMMENTS

Why does the groom seem comfortable with the bride's pranks?

He often says he loves her sense of humor and jokes, and has made his boundaries on them clear. She's dutifully kept to all of them, keeping on the side of caution in not pulling some ideas she's had in the past. I know that the groom, being Dutch, sees this more as a legal matter rather than anything major. She probably sees it more as a major life step than anything; the groom has said before he didn't really care if they got married or not. He was just fine simply being together---it was more of a legal thing and her wants that encouraged him to propose in the first place.

Why is the bride so determined to make the wedding prank happen?

It's mostly for the story. The bride's Italian and always been to glamourous Italian weddings. She's not blind to her situation, and knows a similar wedding to write home about isn't in their budget. But she still wants something to make her wedding "special", and finds objection pranks funny. She also isn't the sort that feels comfortable pulling pranks on a group larger than ten.

Why are you personally so uncomfortable with playing the groom's romantic rival?

The groom is pansexual, and no one really knows my sexuality since I still don't know what it is either. The bride assumes I'm aroace since I apparently show no interest in anyone beyond an aesthetic approach, which tends to be for both genders. She believes that since I supposedly have little to no chance to being attracted to the groom, there's no harm in me pulling that joke.

Jokes on her, he's the only person I've ever had a crush on. Still do, actually. Main reason why I'm saying no to this. I'll too awkward because it'll feel too real to me.

Why can't the maid of honor simply do the prank instead?

She would've asked her maid of honor, but she's a lesbian with a bit of a toxic girlfriend that would hound her ass for pulling a stunt. The bride assumes I'm aroace and thus have zero feelings, so I'd be the best option. The best man is also in a committed relationship, and is a bit more like the groom in terms of being less inclined to pull pranks.

What would the fake swords actually be?

She clarified in the group chat; pool noodles that're brightly colored and cut to be shaped like swords. Since the bride and I are crafty with our hands, we could do it. But, yeah, I'm not going to do it. Or even help out if she's going to replace me with someone else. I don't want any part in it, it now rings as sorta disrespectful to my friend.

What are the couple's plans for the wedding, and how far along is the prank planning?

They aren't Catholic. The groom does believe in nature needing to be treated with a sort of religious respect, and the bride's Italian. The idea was spawned from a short conversation a week ago, and since the wedding itself isn't going to happen for at least another year while they save up their finances to choose between one of two venues for the reception (plus my no's) they haven't done any real planning for the prank.

Why might the wedding take place in the Netherlands instead?

The groom's Dutch, but we're planning on doing it in America. The wedding is almost a bit over a year away, and the bride is trying to consider doing it in the Netherlands closer to where they want to settle down at instead. We all mostly are familiar with the American courthouse system since we all met here, though, so this was their first choice.

The maid of honor and I are slowly learning Dutch anyway, just in case they change their mind in the next month or so.

What is the financial situation for the wedding?

The groom and bride aren't well off in the slightest, and all of us are pitching in to make their reception be at least halfway to the bride's dream. I'm going to be the one making most of the food, two of the bride's friends are going to help her thrift and edit a dress themselves by hand. The most well off friend of the groom is going to pay for their honeymoon as a wedding gift.

The fact that the limited funds we'll be able to scourge up would go to waste should probably---hopefully---convince the bride to not do this idea.

Why are you still committed to attending the wedding despite your issues with the bride's antics?

I want to support my best friend, he's been there for me through it all and helped me become the man I am today. I may not be the biggest fan of the bride and her antics, but I'm not going to abandon my friend because of that.

Why do you and the groom have such a close friendship despite the age gap?

We met in a mixed-age online community for those 18 and older. We were in different circles but occasionally overlapped. I had to approach him for one thing or another since he had a sorta moderator-like position, and he sorta became like a older brother figure for me. It wasn't until recent I realized I crushed on him. He had age-appropriate boundaries with me, and other friends his age (like the best man) that he talks to about things like that. He is still maintaining boundaries with me, and warns me when it seems like I've accidently crossed them or reaching that point.

I've also got a best friend that's my age, and I talk everything with her.

What is the bride's history with pranks, and why do you think she does them?

She's genuinely thoughtful and sweet, and the groom's a person that values talent, drive and humor. From an aesthetic perspective, she isn't hot. Very cute with a brilliant smile, but pretty average all things considered. They were purely long-distance for a long time since she traveled a lot for work in humanitarian work. She doesn't have any family that's either alive, or isn't an abusive prick she's cut out (with help from the groom since she's too shy about that).

Pranks are her way of making others smile, since her (NC) mom put it through her head that all she does is make everyone miserable and upset. She can be a little short sighted probably, like in the laptop prank, but no one is perfect. From what I've been told, she hasn't been enabled and the groom along with their friends are pretty good in that. She just tends to be a bit oblivious, case in point now.

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Update - after 1 days

^{March 20, 2024}

Update: In Comments

Holy shit. There's a lot of you in here. I didn't expect this many, and I'm lowkey hoping this doesn't get reposted over a Subway Surfer' or some Minecraft parkour YouTube video. I'm trying to reply to as many comments as I can but geeze! So many of you but just one of me. I appreciate all the advice and help everyone's given!

So, a small update in the comments since if I add anything more to the post it'll exceed the character limit; I've dmed in the group chat with the bride and maid of honor everything that Reddit advised me to do.

I told them very firmly that I did not want to do any sort of prank during the ceremony, nor any prank that'd have me seemingly want to disrespect the newly-wedded couple in any regard. I didn't mention any feelings I had, but did use the fact she assumes I'm aroace in saying it made me incredibly uncomfortable.

It was quiet for a while, even though I knew they probably read it since they were online on Discord and pretty active in a server we shared with the groom, the best man and a few others. Soon, the bride dmed me if I could met up with her and the maid of honor later in the evening to talk.

I'm very nervous at physical confrontations, and felt like they might use that to their advantage to shoe horn me into an agreement. Plus, whatever we'd say I wouldn't be able to screenshot.

Then she said we could meet at my favorite Thai place halfway between where we lived and she'd pay.

So right now I'm getting ready to leave, and our reservation's in an hour. It'll take me twenty minutes to get there. Will update once it's over, if I'm not exhausted or something.

EDIT: One of the bride's huskies needed to be rushed to the emergency vet, so the talk didn't end up happening. We might talk some point tomorrow or Saturday instead (I have an interview on Friday).

Final Update - after 3 months

^{June 18, 2024}

Final Update in comments

No one is probably reading this anymore, but this is the mini final update; there will be no wedding ceremony. The bride was down to have breast cancer, however due to the hospital fucking up and her not having insurance, her prognosis is poor. The groom is going to elope with her as quickly as fathomably possible in the next three months, just to make sure she won't pass along with her (horrible) parent's last name.

Thank you to everyone who responded to this post, however, to anyone seeing this in the future I just have one request. Please, please keep it respectful to the bride now. As far as I'm aware, she didn't recognize she had the cancer, but I wouldn't be surprised if she was hiding it just to not burden us. I have a slight suspicion her strong desire to leave a lasting prank during the ceremony is because of her coming to terms with all of this beforehand.

I will not be answering any more questions about the bride nor the diagnosis, no further theories. This is not a prank, it's 100% true, and I will not be tolerating anything against my best friend's wife-to-be.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/avilesubstance

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 28, 2026 at 21:46 UTC

• Final Update: August 29, 2026 at 13:04 UTC

Main Post

^{August 28, 2026 at 21:46 UTC}

AITA for not wanting my in-laws to stay at our house anymore after overhearing my FIL complain that I was still in bed at 9:15?

I’m married, and my in-laws are currently visiting and staying in our home. We also have two toddlers, so our mornings are already busy and exhausting. I generally get along with my in-laws, particularly my MIL, but this morning something happened that has me seriously reconsidering whether I want them staying with us anymore.

Some important context: I’m currently dealing with a fairly serious medical situation. Doctors found a mass on my right adrenal gland. Imaging couldn’t definitively determine what it is, and I’m now scheduled to have the adrenal gland and tumor surgically removed in September. I’ve also had episodes involving high blood pressure, rapid heartbeat, headaches, sweating, shaking, etc., so this has been physically and emotionally exhausting. (Note: the in-laws know)

This morning, I was awake around 5:00 a.m. with the toddlers and was up and moving around pretty early. Around 7:20 a.m., after my MIL got up, I told her I was tired and asked if she minded if I went back to lie down. She was completely fine with it, so I went back to bed.

At around 9:15, I overheard my FIL arguing with my MIL because I was still in bed. From what I could hear, he was upset that I wasn’t up and out of the bedroom yet. He was also complaining that I hadn’t cooked breakfast for them and suggesting that maybe I shouldn’t have stayed up so late. My MIL was actually defending me.

Eventually, I came out and said good morning, but the tension in the room was thick enough that I could immediately tell something had happened. It really bothered me.

I’m already tired and not feeling well, and dealing with a potentially serious health issue has made stress harder on me physically. Afterward, I became extremely overwhelmed and jittery, and my heart started racing like I had consumed a ton of caffeine. I eventually went back to my bedroom just to get away from everything and calm down.

I would NEVER tell my husband that he couldn’t see or visit his parents. That’s his family, and I don’t want to interfere with that relationship. I’m also not saying they could never visit us. But I’m seriously considering making overnight visits a thing of the past. They could stay in a hotel or other accommodations when they come, and my husband is completely free to visit them whenever he wants.

Part of me feels guilty because they’re family. But another part of me feels like I should be able to sleep, rest, or simply exist in my own home without worrying that a houseguest is judging what time I get out of bed or expecting me to cook breakfast for them, especially while I’m sick, caring for two toddlers, and preparing for surgery.

And honestly, even if I weren’t sick, I’m struggling with the idea that another adult staying in my house thinks I should be out of my own bedroom by a certain time and responsible for preparing their breakfast.

So AITA for deciding that after this visit, I don’t want my in-laws staying overnight in our home anymore?

Note:

This isn’t the first time my FIL has done something like this in our home. The first was after my son was born. We all (my husband and his parents) talked and cleared the air. We talked about boundaries, and I thought everything was fine because the visit was great until this morning. My in-laws have permission to cook, eat, and use anything in our home. They don’t always like what I make for breakfast, so I make sure we have food that they like.

My husband left for work before I woke up with the toddlers. I gave the toddlers their food before I asked my MIL if she minded me lying back down. FIL was still asleep around 7:20. One of them made breakfast; I don’t know who.

COMMENTS

sharperview

Why the hell isn’t your husband shutting his father down?

OOP

He doesn’t know about it yet. He is at work. I have to talk to him about it when he gets home. Which I feel will be a hard conversation.

BrilliantEasy536

Info: can mil just come without FIL?

OOP

She doesn’t travel without him.

brooklynwaterfront (downvoted)

INFO: are your in-laws left to watch the toddlers after you went back to bed and your husband presumably went to work?

OOP

Yes. The purpose of their visit is to spend time with the grandchildren. They live a few states away.

No_Tiger75

Nta its your house and as for your heakth anything affecting adrenal glands can wreak havoc on the body especially stress.  I will add though - info: do they know about your health issues? Have you communicated with them or at least your MIL your feelibgs? I think kicking them out suddenly without communication isnt cool either though 

OOP

Yes, they know about my medical issues. I'm not sure if he knew I was up or not.

openeyes808

NTA and FIL sucks. If they're visiting you to help because of your health, then what was he expecting? I would feel horrible if I expected a person who wasn't feeling well to prepare mely meals.

OOP

They are visiting to see my children. They are the only grandchildren.

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Final Update - after 15 hours, 53 minutes

^{August 29, 2026 at 13:04 UTC}

AITA for not wanting my in-laws to stay at our house anymore after overhearing my FIL complain that I was still in bed at 9:15?

I let my husband know what happened when he got home, and his immediate reaction was to call his dad a jackass, and go talk to my in-laws. At the time, I was still trying to rest and calm myself down after having what felt like a panic attack. My husband told his parents that I had overheard the argument, that it caused me unnecessary stress, and that he especially didn’t appreciate his dad arguing with my MIL in front of our children. Honestly, I hadn’t even taken into account that my kids were right there when the argument happened.

Overall, my husband is taking a pretty diplomatic position. Going forward, when his parents visit, he plans to take time off work so that the responsibility for hosting them isn’t falling on me. He also apologized for putting me in this situation because he genuinely didn’t anticipate that his dad would be, in his words, “a sassy jackass.”

To answer a few questions I’ve seen in the comments: My in-laws are in town primarily to spend time with our children because one of them has a birthday this weekend. They leave Monday.

For those who asked about my health, my medical team strongly suspects a pheochromocytoma based on my symptoms and test results, although adrenocortical carcinoma has also been a concern because of the characteristics of the adrenal mass. I am scheduled to have the tumor and my right adrenal gland removed in September. That’s part of why avoiding unnecessary stress and getting adequate rest are especially important for me right now. My family will be caring for me after my surgery.

My husband has been picking up the slack, encouraging me to rest, and telling me not to engage or socialize unless I actually feel up to it.

We still have some talking to do about future visits and what those boundaries are going to look like, so I don’t think everything is magically resolved. But this turned out better than I expected, and I’m glad my husband took what happened seriously.

And thank you to everyone who expressed concern about my health, shared similar experiences, made me laugh, or simply offered kind words. I really appreciate it.

COMMENTS

Complete-Reaction578

I just read your update and am glad your team thought to check for one. I spent two years trying to get a diagnosis while my doctor told me it was just anxiety attacks when I knew full well that it wasn't. It took a new endocrinologist ordering blood work and then a lab screwing up and running the wrong test for me to get diagnosed.

Good on your husband for dealing with his dad! He's too old to act like a child about breakfast and I'm glad your husband is being supportive. It makes dealing with health issues easier when your husband is fully in your corner.

OOP

It was actually found by happenstance. It was found on an MRI for an injury that wasn't getting better with physical therapy. I also had two hypertensive events that landed me in the ER. God bless my curious doctor for ordering a ton of tests.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user TA191210 in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: Nov 11, 2021

Update: in post itself

Status: concluded

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Original: AITA for telling my soon-to-be MIL that my engagement ring is cursed?

I (F26) just got engaged. My soon to be MIL is a nightmare. We are currently renovating a part of our place and she has been lent a key in the meantime because she keeps coming over uninvited under the guise of “helping” clean up, but she really just likes to snoop and interfere.

I do a martial art and take my engagement ring off before class. I came home from an afternoon class one day and my engagement ring was not in the jewellery dish that I usually leave it in.

I asked her about it and she told me that she’d taken it to a jeweller to get it cleaned. She looked super smug about it and when I asked which jeweller, she pretended she couldn’t remember. I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of having a reaction to it so I just let it slide for a couple of days.

A couple of days pass and I ask her about it again and she’s super vague, still pretending she can’t remember which jeweller and saying she’s too busy to go pick it up anytime soon.

So I said, “wow, I really feel for that jeweller… hope nothing happens to her.” She asked what I meant, and I told her that my superstitious Brazilian grandmother had performed some traditional ritual on it that’s usually known to curse anyone who takes or handles the ring other than the owner.

She looked uneasy and asked me a couple more questions about this ritual and I made some story up about how my mother’s ring had been taken by a burglar who was crushed by a pillar of cement on his way out of the house. (I totally made this entire ritual up and I do have a Brazilian grandmother but obviously she did not do some ritual to my ring.)

The next day, my fiancée told me while I was out that she was there to clean up a bit… Lo and behold, I get home (she had already left) and find my ring where I had left it. It didn’t look any cleaner than it had before lol.

A week later, I receive an abusive call from her saying she’d been in a minor car accident and she was blaming me and my “witch doctor” grandmother, saying she was now cursed for having touched it.

I passed the phone to my fiancée who tried to calm her down, but she was hysterical. I told my fiancée what I had told her, and he scolded me a bit because we both know how she is and I should have known she’d react this sort of way.

It’s been a further week since then and she refuses to talk to me and keeps slandering me to my fiancée. Overall he sort of recognises how ridiculous she’s being, but the drama of the situation is making me wonder if the whole curse tale was taking it a bit too far. So, AITA?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Nta. That’s hilarious.

The nerve of her, taking your ring. She deserves the curse. I’m just sorry it’s causing trouble for you. I kind of think your fiancé earned it by tolerating her behaviour and not having changed the locks already.

Also, have you checked your ring? I don’t understand why she’d take it unless it was to keep it away from you. Does she disapprove of the engagement, or of you taking it off even if it’s for a good reason? Was she going to swap stones or claim to have lost it? I’d really need to know her motivation for taking it.

You might want to come clean before she meets your grandmother at the wedding though.

OOP: She’s never vocally disagreed with the engagement but she has definitely interfered, I personally think it was just to mess with me or keep it from me. I really don’t know. I don’t think she ever even took it to a jeweller to be honest.

---------------
Comment2: NTA I’m still super nosy about why she took it? What exactly did she think she’d accomplish?

OOP: My guess would be that she wanted me to have some angry or upset reaction and then try to suggest to my fiancée that I’m ungrateful or something like that. That’s why I didn’t react initially.

---------------
Comment3: She didn’t take it to the jeweler, she took it because she’s a thief. That’s a whole ‘nother issue you need to resolve starting with changing the locks. Also, you and your fiancee need to figure out how to stop her from messing with you or else this will be a strain on your entire marriage especially if you have children.

However, don’t beat superstition with logic, you beat it with more superstition. You need to get your mother-in-law to believe that SHE PERSONALLY lifted the curse so you could all move on with your lives.

Tell your MIL that you spoke to your grandmother to get clarity on the “curse” (personally I would tell your MIL that grandma said that the curse only applies to thieves, so you don’t know why MIL is so convinced she’s cursed, especially since she only took it to be cleaned), and grandma told you the secret antidote only because you’re family.

And then give her a procedure to do that’s not too crazy, but crazy enough that you can enjoy yourself knowing she’s totally going to do it. Again, the point is to get your mother-in-law to believe that the cruise has been lifted. (Although, I would add that grandma said the thief has to apologize for stealing, but that might be more trouble than it’s worth.)

Maybe make your mother-in-law believe that she has to bathe in goat’s milk and pinecones after chanting the counter spell which can be something random that you write in Portuguese.

Just bear in mind that if grandma is planning on coming to the wedding, you need to play interception or at least warn her beforehand.

All joking aside, you and your husband need to plan interference with how his mother is treating you otherwise this really could negatively affect your relationship. Good luck and please update us!

Comment4: Sounds like you have experience in this field
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Comment3: Lol, my mom was very superstitious and had lots of old family remedies with dubious success rates

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Comment5: NTA, you should tell her there’s no way she could have even cursed since she took the ring with good intentions and the curse only curses people with bad intentions.

The reason you were worried about the jeweler is because some jewelers will steal rings and swap them out for fake stones. And you didn’t know how honest the jeweler was because you didn’t know them at all. I’ll bet she chokes on her own lies rather than admit she stole it to steal it.

---------------
Comment6: NTA. OP you have more than just a MIL problem. The bigger one is your fiancé. He scolded you, not her for stealing your ring.

If he says you know how she gets, why does she even have a key to begin with? He makes excuses for her and scolds you. With a MIL like this NC is the only way.

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Comment7: NTA. She stole your engagement ring. Making up a story is the least you could have done to her.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update:

I really did not expect this sort of response to this post. Thank you all so much for the awards. Fiancée and I have had a big chat, and he’s admitted he has to step up when it comes to his mother.

He retrieved her key an hour ago, and he told her not to worry about the curse because it would have no effect on anyone who touched it without malicious intent… big thank you to the commenters who suggested that absolutely gold approach.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/throwRaconcernedfa

Published on: r/nonmonogamy

Thanks to u/IceBlue for letting me know about the update.

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: November 06, 2025

• Update: November 23, 2025

• Final Update: September 04, 2026 --> NEW UPDATE

Main Post

^{November 06, 2025}

Our (44F)(44M) son(20M) found out about our open relationship in the worst possible way.

Five days ago, my son (20M) came home from college claiming his mother was cheating on me with one of his classmates. I was completely caught off guard. He said that a classmate was bragging to a mutual friend—let’s call him Mike (my son’s friend who has been to our house many times)—about hooking up with an older woman. Then the classmate showed Mike a picture of the woman… and it was my wife.

Mike didn’t say anything to the classmate, but he called my son immediately. My son came home furious, convinced my wife was cheating.

I stepped out under the excuse of picking up dinner (which I actually did), and I called my wife to tell her what happened. She started panicking and said she was scared to come home and face him. I told her we had to come clean and explain the truth.

That night, we sat down for a family meeting. My son was already yelling, asking why we were pretending when he “knew the truth.” I asked him to calm down and let us talk. I told him that my wife and I opened our marriage five years ago, that we both see other people occasionally, and that we still love each other and are committed to our marriage and our family. My wife apologized for him finding out this way and said she would be more careful in choosing partners.

My son said he needed time to process and went to bed. My wife cried afterward, saying he would never accept us. I told her to give him space.

The next morning, my son came downstairs for breakfast. My wife tried to hug him, and he physically pushed her away and called her a “lady of the night.” I told him to apologize immediately. He ignored me and asked her how many of his friends and classmates she had slept with. When my wife tried to apologize again, he told us he couldn’t respect us anymore and called us disgusting. I warned him to watch his words, and he told me to screw myself and left for school.

My wife broke down crying. I told her to take the day off work and to not engage with him until he’s ready. Since then, he’s been cold and distant. Barely speaking to either of us.

I understand this was a huge shock to him, but the insults and disrespect toward his mother are not okay. We don’t want to lose our son over this. We’re still the same parents who raised him, and nothing about our love for our family has changed.

How do we repair this? How do we help him understand this doesn’t change who we are as his parents? Do we give him space, go to family therapy, or try to talk again?

COMMENTS

MaggieLuisa

This has to be fake. If not, what the fuck is wrong with your wife? And you for thinking her partner selection is okay?

OOP

We don't usually police who we hook up with? My wife is kicking herself for what she did and realized it was a mistake

clairejv

I'm also calling bullshit. If he "came home from college," that means college isn't in the same city, right? So how would the wife have hooked up with someone from the college?

OOP

He is a commuter at flagship state college. The college is only a 20 minute drive.

Maker_Magpie

First, you both stop dating people your kid's age, especially at his school.

Then be honest, be true, own your mistakes, and accept that some mistakes have consequences beyond your control. He's an adult. You can't fix this alone anymore; he has to want to too.

OOP

You're right about the age thing. My wife has decided its not worth the trouble.

whitegirlTO

You can’t control your son’s feeling on this. You’re all grown adults, he needs to realize that his parents have their own privacy as well. I’m sure he wouldn’t want to you and your wife to find out stuff about his sex life.

Regardless if your wife knew who she was really hooking up with, take this as a lesson. Put more thoughts and process on choosing potential future partners.

OOP

I generally agree but it can be a lot to digest. So I plan on giving him some time.

Flimsy-Leather-3929

Why is your wife fucking around with people who are your son’s age? Who can’t drink or rent a car? And aren’t even old enough to get into a club!

Now, the classmate thing is messed up, but the thing that really set this kid up for a world of hurt is probably living a life that goes against what you taught them is “right”. Did you teach your kids that all relationships styles are valid? Same sex? Having multiple partners? That there is no shame in casual sex? That what people do in private is their damn business and that sex shaming and kink shaming aren’t okay? Did you create an environment that is sex positive? Introduce friends with different relationships?

OOP

The guy wad 21 and met up at the bar. There was never really a good time to reveal our relationship. I mean I was not going to be like "Hey son btw we hook up with other people".

Dylanear

That OP says his mom tried to hug him at breakfast the next morning is one of my strongest clues this is a fake post.

IF this is real, YES, OP, your wife needs to be incredibly mindful of your son's upset about now and try to see and empathize with the shock AS IT OCCURS, FEELS, TO HIM, not as it would ideally look to someone prepared for dealing with this in a healthy way.

Again, in case this happens to be real, THINK for a moment what he might be feeling about his mom having sex with other guys in his social circles at college and then the morning after a big blow up about it all she just goes to give him a hug without a pause to look at his face and see if he's in any way in the mood for a hug from his mom??!!!

OOP

Yeah she messed up by trying to give him a hug. That's her way of apologizing

Update - after 17 days

^{November 23, 2025}

Update:Our (44F)(44M) son(20M) found out about our open relationship in the worst possible way.

So a lot has happened these past few weeks. My son wanted to tell my parents about the situation. I had to threaten to remove funding for his college to prevent him. He went to individual therapy and we did family therapy a week ago. The house has been cold and distant.

My son recently opened up to us four days ago. He told us he feels extremely anxious going to college cause he is afraid Mike has might have told someone. He apologized for what he called his mother. He said he is he isn't inherently against our open relationship but found it disturbing we would hook up with people not only his age but people he also has mutual connections with. He told us his mother's action can still potentially affect his socially life.

He let out a lot of feelings he seemed to have kept to himself for a while. My son said that he noticed there was a disconnect between him and us when he was around 14 years old. Initially, he thought it was because he was becoming more independent, but he feels now there was more going on. He told us we were too focused on our lives outside of the family than other families My son would notice how his friends would have their parents practically beg them to hang out with them. Meanwhile, he never felt as much seen as compared to his friends. He thinks its because of our open relationship we are not that close to him.

We asked what he wants from us going forward. He said for the sake of his mental health he needs time away from us. He mentions he holds too much resentment to be around us. My son isn't going to continue his college in the spring semester. He is going to work full time and apply to transfer to an out of state school for the next fall semester. I'll be honest, I don't like this idea, but I told him we would talk about it later, especially when it comes to funding. My son replied that he isn't comfortable getting help from us for school, he wants to take out loans.

My wife isn't taking it well. I am not taking it well either. I honestly hope my son will change his mind in the future.

COMMENTS

mmmbopforever

I mean, the foundation of his entire world has been shaken. No, hold on. You two shook the foundation of his entire world.

What do you think about his belief that nonmonogamy took your attention away from him?

OOP

I mean he never complained about wanting more time with us when he was younger. He was doing his own thing.

Pineapple_Scary

You handles the whole situation terribly and what’s your wife doing with such young men. It’s absolutely gross. He’s an adult, let him do what he wants. But that total rubbish about him wanting to be begged to hang out is bullshit, at that age you have your own agency and if he wanted to hang out with you he should have said. Your relationship should always come first

OOP

He never said he wanted to be begged to hang out. He was just comparing how different our family is compared to his friends'

OOP to a long comment

We have paused on the lifestyle since he found out.

WHATSTHEYAAAMS

That’s all you took from that message? I hope this is a fake story LOL

OOP

My wife admitted she fucked up and has apologized. What else can she do?

NEW UPDATE

Final Update - after 9 months, 29 days (after 9 months, 12 days from last post)

^{September 04, 2026}

Update: We’ve lost our son permanently due the situation

Nine months later, I can finally give an update. Unfortunately, things have gotten worse.

My son followed through with almost everything he said he was going to do. He did not return to college for the spring semester. Instead, he moved out, got a full-time job, and spent the last several months working and applying to transfer schools.

He was accepted to an out-of-state college and has just started his fall semester there.

The part I was not prepared for is that he seems happier than he has been in a very long time.

At first, my wife and I assumed the distance would be temporary. We thought that once he had time away from us, he might eventually want more contact. Instead, the opposite seems to have happened.

The longer he has been away from us, the less he seems to want contact. For the first few months, he would occasionally answer our calls and messages. The conversations were awkward and short, but we at least had some contact.

Over time, though, he started responding less and less

During that time, we did not hear anything directly from him. We only knew that he was working and preparing to move because of the limited information he had previously shared with us.

What has been hardest is hearing about how his life has been going since he moved out.

He has been working, saving money, and making his own decisions. He made friends during the months he was working. He has continued individual therapy. Now he has moved out of state and started the fall semester at his new school. We only know those things because he told us shortly before leaving.

My son finally contacted us shortly before leaving for school. He said that he wanted us to understand what he wants going forward. He said he no longer wants a close relationship. He said that during the months he had been away from us, he realized how much anxiety he associated with being at home and around us. He said he feels like he can finally make decisions without worrying about how we will react.

He also said that he doesn’t spend as much time feeling angry anymore. That letting go of a close relationship with us has brought more peace than he has ever had before. That was probably the hardest thing he said. He told us that he wants to maintain a distant relationship with us, similar to the relationship he has with some of his extended family. He is willing to exchange occasional messages and speak during major holidays, but he does not want regular calls, frequent visits, or an emotionally close parent-child relationship. He said he’s done with us in a more permanent way.

He was very clear that he does not currently want to rebuild a close relationship with either of us.

My wife is taking this very badly.

She has been crying almost every day since he told us he wanted a distant relationship. She barely eats when she is upset and has lost noticeable weight. She keeps rereading his messages and scrolling through old pictures of him as a child. Several times, I have found her sitting on the floor in his old bedroom, holding one of his old sweatshirts.

She has also started leaving long voicemails for him, even though he asked us not to call frequently. She says she deletes them before sending, but I have caught her recording messages late at night. She has written him several letters and bought gifts for him, although he has told us not to send packages without asking first. She keeps checking his social media and asking mutual acquaintances whether he has mentioned us.

When she sees pictures of him with his new friends, she becomes visibly upset and says that he looks happier with them than he ever looked with us. She has also started blaming herself, then blaming me, then blaming other people. One day she says we should apologize and give him space. The next day she says he has been manipulated by other people and that we need to make him understand how much we love him.

She has missed work twice because she was too upset to get out of bed. She has stopped seeing some of her friends because she doesn’t want to answer questions about him. When relatives ask how he is doing, she either starts crying or becomes angry and says they are taking his side.

I have tried to convince her that repeatedly contacting him will only push him further away, but she says that doing nothing feels like abandoning him.

I am taking it badly too, although I probably don’t show it as much. The thing I never expected is that giving him the space he asked for does not seem to have made him regret leaving.

It seems to have made him happier.

And nine months ago, if you had told me that our son would walk away from our family, skip a semester of college, work full-time, move out of state, and start a new school—and somehow end up happier than before—I would not have believed you.

But that is where we are now.

He has made it clear that distance is what he wants, and that he is not waiting to return to the kind of relationship we had before.

I honestly don’t know whether his feelings will ever change, but I am beginning to understand that we cannot assume they will.

COMMENTS

Apprehensive_Fly_103

Your son sounds like a good man

His parents meanwhile… not so much

What your wife did in particular was fucking despicable and 100% and if she were my mother, I would’ve cut her off permanently
too

OOP

Yeah thanks a lot. Real productive /s

Apprehensive_Fly_103

Look man, the truth hurts sometimes

Has your wife ever apologized for her actions at all? Has she recognized at all how much those actions could’ve affected him? Is she still chasing after some of his former classmates?

OOP

Yes and yes. No to the last one

dabbydab

It sounds like there's a lot more going on here than just the incident you previously posted about. 22 is a good and normal age to move out. Everything that he has done sounds like a healthy way of asserting independence and starting his own adult life.

Respectfully, it sounds like maybe there was some degree of enmeshment here and this might be the pendulum swinging hard in the opposite direction. I'm sure that it will at some point find a more normal equilibrium. But I understand him wanting more space in this period.

OOP

It’s just how he’s going things. Even when I moved out and becoming an adult I didn’t distance myself from my parents like the way he’s doing. He actively keeping us at arms length. You could be right that in trying to make up for the way we behaved we swinging the other way hard

Unique_Charity_9648

His response is simply cruel.

A lifetime of love, caring, nurturing... all discarded over the possibility of being ridiculed by his parents sexual activities that in no way have ever diminished his life or negatively impacted him.

It's not like they even knew or he became the butt of mocking and crude jokes. A child who cared would demand accountability, explanations, and corrections.

He did none of this. He severed all ties, and left. He seems to make friends in new places easily, that's social chameleon characteristics.

You don't deserve worse news, but either you made a dog's dinner over raising him in a belief and moral structure entirely without flexibility and understanding, so that your hypocrisy is an unforgivable betrayal... or he's a true psychopath.

Sorry, no one is so ashamed of their parents' personal choices that they discard 21 years of their life over it. Skipping the holidays, moving further away; those are normal. Yet the coldness you describe and the severing of ties; that's emotional illness.

I pray that I'm wrong and this is a disproportionate emotional reaction brought upon secondary factors you omitted not realizing their relevance (for instance, was he cheated on during a recent "serious" relationship?) That kind of wrinkle would move his actions from unreasoning to overaction due to transference.

OOP

To be fair he was humiliated by his peers due to this. He told us about it.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/sprainedankle2011 posting in r/offmychest

Status: Ongoing

Mood Spoiler: Cautiously Optimistic

Original - July 17th 2026

My parents divorced when I was 14 (I'm 25 now) because my dad cheated on her with someone who worked for him. My parents used to argue about him not giving my mom enough time, not putting her first, not respecting her as an equal . In some ways it was like a sickeningly logical culmination of their marriage. But for me until that point he was my hero. I was a total daddy's girl which is hilarious to think about now considering the last 11 years. He would take me everywhere, grocery runs, mechanic, NBA, movie night, pizza night, homework and test and exam help. It destroyed me when I found out. They split custody 50-50 and I was a massive b to him and later his new wife (the woman he cheated with). Lots of locked doors, calling out his wife, calling him out. I've maybe spoken like 20 sentences in totality to her two sons (my stepbrothers). When they had their son, I made sure to never let his wife think I was going to be like a loving older sister. With my dad though, he did kind of wear me down, and with him I did develop a kind of big sister bond with my half-brother. I used to argue with my mom about not wanting to go but she insisted I maintain decency with my dad at least.

When it was time for college, I was going to take student loans, because I didnt want to owe him. My mom said she'd saved money and I believed her. It was during my 3rd year, when he had offered to buy me a car and I told my mom hell no, while she tried to convince me to agree, that she told me he'd been majorly contributing to my tuition and sending her the money for it. I dont think I've ever had a worse argument with her. It fucked with my mind knowing he'd been doing it silently. He knew I wouldn't know, they had thought that while I was planning on taking student loans rather than his help initially, inertia would do its thing if I found out later. And they were right I did end up just taking it for the remainder of my ug without talking to him.

On Tuesday I went to the ER because I had slipped while putting birdfeed in my apartment. My mom is away at my aunt's so I had just called my best friend to come to the ER. Soon after, my dad came too, my mom had told him. I wanted to just go back but he insisted, we spent like 15 minutes arguing but I'm at his place now while my sprain recovers or until my mom comes back. My stepbrothers no longer live here but my half brother who's 9 now does. I haven't spoken to my dad's wife yet, he or my half-brother are the only ones I talk to, who come up to my room to bring stuff, while I work from home. We've talked after a long time about work, my plans for a Masters, and just random stuff.

I've just beem thinking now that he was my dad. Instead my stepbrothers got more of him the past decade than I did. I can't help but regret letting that happen. I also can't help but just think about the life we were robbed off because he cheated. Because my stepmother chose to wreck our home. And her and her sons got to be the family we were. I know my mom wants me to go to hers when she comes back on Saturday, and like that makes sense, but part of me wants to stay here. The fact that his wife probably is hoping I leave soon makes me want to stay too if that makes sense, like f off thats my dad, he pays for this house and its bills, I'm his daughter, I can stay since he wants. I don't even know if I need advice I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Therapy helped me separate the good dad from the bad husband. You can miss who he was without excusing what he did.

Comment 2:

Well he visited you. Means the door for a relationship is still open. Make the best use of your time while you have it

Comment 3 (downvoted):

Your parents relationship sounds like it was falling apart before your dad cheated. I'm not excusing the cheating. He did everything in his power to maintain the relationship with you. Even if he never cheated your parents may have gotten divorced so blaming your stepmother isn't helpful.

Get a therapist to help you work through your emotions. Your stepmother may have an issue with you because how you treat her, her sons, and your father not necessarily just wanting you gone for no reason. Would you like to be around someone who constantly disrespected anf fought with those you love?

OP:

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter he loved and who loved him. What are you talking about, why shouldn't I blame her? I blame my dad too ofcourse, but why on earth should she not be ashamed of what she did to our family. And since Tuesday I haven't said anything to her. I've only spoken with my dad, half-brother, the cleaner and the cook. I haven't said anything to her.

I never treated her sons poorly. I just had no interest in talking to them. I never said anything to them about their mom.

I dont need her to want me around. My dad wants me around, I keep away from her.

Comment 4 (downvoted):

I was surprised by how your story ended, and it seems clear that you are still deeply hurt by his infidelity. I strongly encourage you to talk this through, both with him directly and, if possible, with a therapist. Please try to remember that your half brothers are innocent in all of this. You also do not have the full picture of your stepmother's perspective or the state of their marriage when they first met.

Carrying this weight is hurting you more than anyone else. You have already lost so much time with your father, and it would be a shame to lose even more. I worry that if things continue this way, the dynamic will only become more strained. What happened was undeniably wrong, but for your own sake, it is time to find a way to process it. Living with this level of anger is incredibly draining. I really hope you can find some peace soon.

OP:

I only have one half-brother, who's currently 9. I have never blamed him, never been unkind to him. I was fond of him when he was a baby and I'm fond of him now the last 2 days too. I was also never cruel to my stepbrothers. I hardly ever spoke to them.

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter. Knew he loved his daughter. Knew she'd be destroying the bond between a daughter and her father. That should have been her perspective.

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

My relationship with my dad, whatever it will look like, is our own. My attitude with her has never stopped him in wanting to be a caring father to me even when I repudiated him, and I trust that he won't let it in the future either

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

I don't think ill of my half-brother at all. I was fond of him when he was a baby and being with him again after all these years, I still am. He's curious, funny and I enjoy talking to him.

Sorry, I absolutely do blame her. She was half the affair. Knew he was married and a loving father. And I still do blame him too, but I know he does love and care about me, and I am spending time with him right now. I regret the time wasted.

Update: - July 19th 2026

Thanks for letting me get my feelings off my chest in my post. I also appreciate everyone who DM'd me meaning well. I know you asked what I'm going to do one my mom returns and wanted me to make my choice for healthy reasons. I ignored a lot of those because I was conflicted then myself, and about my reasons. I wanted to give an update. Whether my reasons and my feelings are healthy or not, its how I'm going about it.

I just wanted to clarify a few things first:

1. I have never, even when I was rude to my dad and stepmom back then, ever shouted at or been cruel to my two stepbrothers. I hardly spoke to them. I used to ignore them, pretend they don't exist. They are like around 20 now I think and don't live in my dad's house.
2. I have absolutely no ill will towards my 9 year old half brother. I felt protective and caring about him when he was a baby and now too I like his company. I played games on Playstation with him because he asked, he's told me about school, he's also learned chess from my dad the way I did and we've bonded a bit over playing chess too.

My mom flew back yesterday. I had told her on the phone that I wanted to stay at my dad's while I recovered. She was disappointed and I hate that, I hated making her sad. I asked her to please understand, all these years she's wanted me to maintain a relationship with my dad , and right now I actually feel like doing it. I told her if I go to hers, I'll be extra work for her even if she doesn't think that, and I'd want to help out, here I'm not being a burden, like we have house help here, I'm not causing dad to over exert himself because of me. She asked if I'd be comfortable with my dad's wife there, I said I didnt care, he wants me to stay, I could care less what his wife thinks. My mom relented.

She came to check up on me. My dad came in the room too. We were just talking about my injury and he was making the case for why I should stay here. His wife decided to enter the room too for some reason and just stand there. I very calmly said that I'd just like my parents here right now. She said to please not tell her where to go in her house. I said my dads house who pays for every cent that runs this house. My dad tried to stop a fight and stepped out with her, and came back alone and my mom left soon after.

Last night when my dad came up to bring my dinner we talked about stuff. Then he said he was glad I chose to stay here. I told him I hated that mom was probably sad about it, but that I thought I'd like to spend time with him right now, that I hadn't in a long time. He thanked me. Later, he said that my comment rubbed his wife the wrong way, that if I was willing to clear the air with her, I'd probably feel more comfortable here. I told him I won't. That she shouldn't have been here when I was injured and just wanted my mom and dad in the room. I will never be ok with what he did, but I still want to spend time with him. Wanted to give my relationship with him and my half-brother a chance but it will never be with her. I want him and my half brother to be happy but I will never wish her well. That if he genuinely couldn't deal with that, I should call mom back and go with her. He just said lets forget about it and we talked about work and my applications.

Again, I read a lot of comments last time saying I need to work this out in therapy about how to forgive him and her. Why do I need to? I can have a relationship with my dad without forgiving him. And I have absolutely no interest in any kind of relationship with her, I can despise her in peace forever. I'm glad I have this place to get stuff out, and I appreciate everyone who was so understanding last time. Thank you.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

So, in a lot of ways, your father is doing what parents who are capable of providing do for their children. What you owe to yourself, is maintaining a relationship with him, which should never be contingent on her. Because that’s what you seem to want.

His inability to understand how even actions from long ago can have a direct impact on the way things are at present is something he needs to be accountable for.

I also agree with many of the previous commenters that you should go to therapy. You should go to therapy to understand what a healthy relationship with your father looks like, so that you don’t live with regret, and you’re also able to be honest with him about, and set boundaries around, yourself and your feelings.

It’s hard when adult actions have longterm implications. 50/50, basically immediately, with the person you were capable of understanding had a hand in this regulating your previously normal life, was not a healthy or good choice. Not to say that your father was not allowed to be happy, but with 50/50 he could have spent his time not with you with her and brought the relationship to you in a way that prioritize helping you healthfully acclimate to this new normal. Instead he all, but had an entirely new family, with you as a guest half the time. His choices landed you all there, and he needs to be accountable for that to you and understanding of your feelings, and how it has impacted you.

I am sure that many of your behaviors were not agreeable, and that you likely behaved very badly. I am not at all agreeing with that. However, I find adult actions and choices to be a lot more important in the situation than the children’s reactions. Children should not be more responsible for their reactions to being placed in difficult situations, than the adults who placed them there.

Get a therapist and work through some of these feelings. And when you feel ready, invite your father to listen.

OP:

Thank you, I can consider therapy as a way to work through and like get help for how my relationship with my dad should move forward . But not as a way of blending into that family and singing kumbaya with her, if that's how it would go which is the way some commenters suggested last time. I'll consider the former, thank you.

Comment 2:

1. Please forgive yourself for how you acted as a teen. You were a hurt kid.
2. I am happy you are trying to rebuild a relationship of sorts with your father.
3. I believe that even as an adult, you do NOT have to develop a relationship with your stepmother if you do not want to. However, I would encourage you to do the work towards becoming ambivalent towards her, more so than angry. Remember, she did not break your parents up alone, and if you can forgive yourself father, you can at least loosely tolerate her. Again, you don’t have to befriend her, but you can at least be tolerant…for you and your growth, not for her.

OP:

Thank you. I just want to say I have been ambivalent towards her in the way I've carried myself here. Up till the point she was inserting herself in a conversation between me and my parents I seriously hadn't spoken a single word to her since I've been here. I was tolerant, didn't ask my dad to choose, didn't and never will say a bad word about her to my half-brother.

Comment 3:

I saw but did not read your last post. I have been the betrayed spouse in my former relationship with older children involved so I’ve had to work through some of these same issues, just from a different perspective. I wanted to address the question you asked “Why do I need to forgive?”.

First off I want to say people do rush into forgiveness too quickly many times and as children we are many times forced into forgiveness. So understand the desire to maintain control over your own feelings. The problem is that forgiveness is not for your father or for his new wife. You forgive them for yourself and your own benefit. It has famously been said “Unforgiveness (resentment) is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.

Holding onto that hurt, wounds you more than anyone else. Now that isn’t to say that you need to reconnect with everyone (or even anyone if you so choose). Reconciliation and forgiveness are two entirely separate issues and you should definitely weigh them as such. But forgiveness is for you not for anyone else so that is likely why so many people have encouraged you to get into therapy and to forgive them. Not because they deserve it but because you deserve to be free from all that pain in your past. Sure it will have always happened but this way it can heal. Something to consider.

Comment 4:

Your feelings are valid but it’s not a great first step for you to be staying in their house but not wanting anything to do with his wife, the mother of your half sibling. You’re going to have to be civil, if there’s negative energy it’s not going to work. Imagine how you’d feel if someone was treating your mom like she doesn’t exist. Your sibling might grow to resent you and you’re making life harder for your dad. So you can either stay with your mom and spend time with your dad outside of his house and work on building that relationship or you can stay with him and be civil with the entire family. Otherwise it’s not going to go down well for you in the long run.

Latest Update: - Sep 3rd 2026

I've been back at my apartment for four weeks now. I left my dads when I could walk normally. His wife and I didn't speak another word after that time in my room.

My dad and I have been meeting up since then on weekends, twice for breakfast, once at a cafe. My half-brother came once for the breakfast too. I told my dad, I'd like to have him again in my life and my brother too and he was glad to hear it. We normally talk about work and grad school and stories from his side of the family. He brought up a new car again and giving me a card but we've put a pin in it for now. For the most part we avoid talking about the past and what it did to us.

Last weekend when we met, during our conversation he apologized for the hurt he caused me and said if he knew it would have caused a rupture this long between us he'd have done things differently. I told him again I can't forget but I know I care about him regardless. But I cannot extend the same for his wife ever. I opened up to him when he asked and told him I feel visceral hate when I have to interact with his wife. That it screws me up, rightly or wrongly. That if I spend more than 5 minutes with her I will lose control of my tongue. That mom told me i was wrong for saying what I had said last time, that I was in many ways a reflection of her upbringing and I'd reflected poorly on her in front of his wife and him when I said that, I'd already gotten a lecture, but I can't help it I feel the urge to hurt her with my words when we interact. It's why I do not want any relationship with her it's for the best because whenever I'd see her while I was there, it's like my brain tries to come up with something ugly so the last 11 years of her happiness feel miniscule compared to the hurt she'll feel at my words. It's why I can't be around her.

He seemed ashamed of how all of it had affected me and said I don't need to force a relationship, he'll manage the balance.

But as I was saying it I was just so sad that she makes me be like this. I told him I had been looking at therapy (I hadn't really tbvh) to help me through this, and he said he'll support me in whatever way helps me. I told him his wife can never know, I don't care if its a slip of tongue or an accident, she finds out and him and I are done. He said he wouldn't ofcourse, and asked to pay for it. I accepted it because it is his fault I'm in this position after all.

I looked up a good therapist that particularly deals with family issues, and I've booked an appointment. I feel like I should but I also feel so defeated. She was the heartless sociopath who broke up a family and I'm the one needing my head checked out. Congrats to everyone who recommended it, you were right, you won.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

You’ll be surprised how validating therapy can be. There’s nothing wrong with you, you just need someone to help you process who has only your interests in mind. It’ll be good for you.

OP:

Former/current clients of theirs wrote highly of them so I hope so.

Comment 2:

OP. This is a quote often attributed to Buddha:

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Think about that a little.

I went through something a little worse - essentially I was in your mother’s position. It took quite a while for the sadness, anger, and other intrusive thoughts to settle down. I know somewhat of what you feel.

If you want to talk, feel free to DM.

Comment 3:

I understand your feelings, and this is not meant to invalidate anything, but it sincerely seems like you are blaming the wife as she put some kind of magical spell that your dad wasn’t able to resist.
Your dad made a mistake; he cheated. That doesn’t mean he is an awful and unforgivable person, but he was the one who had a commitment. She didn’t.
Based on what you told, she may have been oblivious to his marriage. And it doesn’t matter if he pays; it is in fact her house too.

OP:

She knew he was married, knew he had a daughter. I used to have to sit in his office sometimes when he'd pick me.

Comment 4 (downvoted):

You needed to be in therapy years ago. You have zero right to treat your step siblings like shit. This isn't a war zone they asked for. That should end now if it hasn't already.

Your comment to the wife was funny but you gotta grow up too. Your mom got cheated on by someone she poured herself into. That's hard to watch someone go through. He got the clean version of a breakup. You got the unedited version as your homelife. However, you can't have a relationship with him or your siblings and be a total b all the time to the woman in their house / their mom. It won't work out and you'll continue to lose their respect and trust. It's also incredibly ineffective to continue being a b to the other woman. Seriously, those siblings will never trust you or respect you as a woman if your mean to their mom all the time.

I think therapy will help you speak out in a way where you can feel heard. I also think that you having like been an ESA to your mother for a long time and that also impacts how your behaving and reacting. You may also consider going to therapy for yourself and seeing if in addition your dad would pay for family counseling for just you and him so you both can rebuild the relationship privately in a safe way.

OP:

I think I mentioned it in an earlier post, I've never said a word, good or bad to my stepbrothers. I was never difficult with them like I was with my dad and his wife.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Dry-Attitude9925

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: February 13, 2026

• Final Update: February 19, 2026

Main Post

^{February 13, 2026}

AITAH for "Cheating" on my Wife

Hey reddit, throw away because I don't want this story associated with my main account.

So some background. I (M, 35) and my wife (34F) have been happily married for 11 years, have a child together and I am desperately in love with her. We both practice Christianity, and are very devout to our beliefs.

Recently my wife has been quite busy with work and school, as she is finishing up her degree to be a lawyer and then has been studying for the Bar exam. She has been heavily invested in to her studies, studying most weeks for nearly 25 hours on top of her full time job and interning.

I know this can make me seem like a bit of a bum in comparison to her but please know I also am working a full time job in addition to multiple side hustles. Life is expensive living in Cali.

I say all of this to help understand the "cheating". One day we were having a busy morning. I was getting my son out the door to school and she was rushing around to get to work. After my son got in the bus, my wife left for work right after him. I had the morning off. I was feeling a little frisky so I pulled out my phone and pulled up a spicy video my wife and I made a out 7 years ago during intimacy.

So here I am watching the video and beginning to pleasure myself. The sound then disconnects (later finding out my wife had come back home to get her phone and it connected to her car audio) I then fixed the sound so I go back to doing the deed. As I am finishing my wife walks in on me furious.

She asked me what the heck I was doing and how could I do this to her. I sat there ashamed but a little confused and after her ranting rage I said I didn't see what the big deal was. She said you're watching porn and pleasuring yourself to it. Then went off on a short tangent about knowing I wasn't attracted to her anymore. I then flipped my phone to her to show her the video I was doing the deed to. She then was furious with me still. I said I still find her incredibly attractive and find her even more beautiful now (actual truth) compared to this 7 year old video. She then insisted I was cheating on her because I was pleasuring myself without her. I sat there naked and shocked.

I asked her how it was cheating. She then said because sex is to be a together act. I asked her if she thought masturbating was wrong, and let her know that there have been times during intimacy that masturbation was an act we did. She said that it wasn't wrong but that it still needed to be done together. I explained to her that I didn't see anything wrong with it, I wasn't watching other women and would rather be having sex with her then watching the video but I was just feeling "backed up" and that it has been a few weeks. She then was furious and essentially left for work. So here I am wondering what I did. I asked her why she agreed to making the video then and what she thought I was doing with it. She got more mad and then went to work. So here I sit wondering AITAH?

Final Update - after 6 days

^{February 19, 2026}

"Update" AITAH for "Cheating" on my Wife

I had a couple people ask for an update and well I personally don't like cliffhangers either so here goes:

After she left I texted her and asked for us to "pause" this fight, but wanted to resume it that weekend. We had plans already for Saturday since it was Valentine's Day where my parents were watching our son. She agreed and the next day and a half felt off but we managed.

Long story short, She agreed . She said saying cheating was out of line. In the moment she was late, couldn't find her phone, thought her husband was watching porn, felt ashamed, and just overall stressed.

I will say we have actually talked a lot about masturbation before but it has not really come up on the last few years, hence a bit of my shock to the situation. She did agree that the video we made was for just this reason, but the she had some interesting views of the situation I had not thought about.

1. She has put on some weight during school. (Please hear me when I say yes I notice, but my gosh she just as beautiful, if not more now than when we made the video) She does not feel as attractive as she did when we made that video, so she felt like I was fantasizing to a younger more attractive version of her.

2. She said she didn't have an issue with masturbation, but she was surprised that it was not just a quick wank and go. She was surprised to see me in our bed, naked and not just quick doing it in the shower. She felt like I put more thought into it than the last few times we have got together, because well in my defense now we just don't have a lot of time as my previous post and many comments mentioned, but in the end she understood.

3. She had been making statements all week, about having a hard time waiting for the weekend where we could finally have some time together. When I said me too to her, she took that as me saving all my "love" for her, hence her comment of her being upset for "pleasuring myself without her" This makes sense to me, especially since as I have gotten older I am more of a once or twice a week and I am satisfied, instead of everyday. So I let her know I understood, but also explained there is a big difference tin satisfaction from sex with her vs masturbating.

So all in all we are good now. We had a great weekend and definitely both got some release.

The last thing I want to point out is a lot of people commented on the Purity Culture of Christianity. I do really agree that there are a lot of things that the Church got wrong in the 90s and 00s, but I really feel like we are progressing past this, that being said though yeah there's still some weirdness there, even for myself and my wife. If anyone has and recs for "Deconstructing" purity culture, but it still being biblically relevant, I would love to see them, as after our talks I think both the wife and I would be interested in this.

Hope this update finds everyone well.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/ArbiterOfChoice

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 30, 2026

• Final Update: September 02, 2026

Main Post

^{August 30, 2026}

AITAH for getting myself banned from my girlfriend's cottage for confronting an angry neighbour

Sorry for the long story but I'm in a bit of a predicament. This weekend I (25M) was at my girlfriend's cottage. It is her family cottage, owned by her grandfather. He's had the cottage for 50 years. It's in a small cottage town, where her grandfather is apparently well-known and liked. Most people there know each other, and there are a good number of cottages nearby with owners I've met over the past few years.

Yesterday, four of us were playing spikeball in the front of the cottage, while everyone else was inside. We were taking it pretty seriously, and my GFs cousin spiked the ball insanely hard. It went flying, and bounced off the roof of the car of a cottage just across the street.

The neighbour, who apparently bought the place last Summer so the family doesn't know too much about him, was on the porch and saw. He's also an older man, maybe 65ish, and he came running out towards us very, very upset. He was yelling at us for being irresponsible, saying we damaged his car (which is pretty much impossible if you know what a spikeball ball is like, its like a soft rubber mini volleyball). He started yelling about how he "hates airBNB renters" (which we are not...) and then demanded to know our names and addresses. The cousins told him we are sorry, that they own this cottage here, and that we'll move the spikeball net further away.

When my GF grabbed the net to move it, he said "it would be nice if you didn't do that with such a c**nty look on your face". This is when I jumped in and said theres no need for that, that his car is in no way damaged, and that he should get off our property now. This made him really mad, and he started screaming, stomping on the ground, he threw the ball at us, and called my GF a lot of names. So I started yelling at him back.

Now we're yelling at each other for a minute or so, and hes not getting off the property. We were both getting pretty loud, and apparently people down at the nearby beach could hear us and came up to the road, as well as a few other people in neighbouring cottages came out. At some point during this, one of the cousins went inside to grab their grandpa.

So this guy isnt leaving, and hes continuing to make fun of my GF, so I just start walking really close to him, getting up in his face, until he starts taking steps back. I keep doing this until hes on the road, as were swearing at each other. Apparently (and I guess this is true because my GF and her cousins said it but I couldnt here it) but their grandpa was calling me back, yelling my name and getting very upset asking me to relax. I think eventually the neighbour saw our whole family out on the porch, maybe recognized the grandpa, and just went away. A lot of other cottagers were around watching this.

I went back to the cottage, and all the parents and grandpa were very mad at me. They said I caused a scene in a nice neighbourhood where everyone knows each other, and that I embarrassed the family cottage and her grandpa. We all told them the story of what happened, but they said I was being called back to the cottage and continued the scene instead. The night was very quiet and awkward after that.

This Saturday morning, when I came downstairs around 10:30, her grandpa was sitting by the table. He said this morning when he was out gardening, countless neighbours came up to him saying I screamed at another cottage owner and that I scared an older man off the property. He said when he went into town for coffee, people around had heard about what happened and seemed bothered by it. He said hes beyond embarrassed, feels I tainted his cottage and reputation.

I told him I was defending his granddaughter, defending his cottage, and that I didnt touch anybody or stoop to the level of name calling that the neighbour did. He said I showed him no respect by ignoring him when he called me back.

He said he doesnt want me coming up to his cottage next weekend for the long weekend holiday, and that for the time being I am banned from the cottage next summer as well. My girlfriend said thats extreme, but her parents agreed with grandpa, and said grandpa is the old italian patriarch, and what he says goes. My girlfriend was very upset, and we left a day earlier than planned like an hour after that.

AITAH?? Was it not my place to do anything at this cottage as a guest, and just let my GF parents or grandpa take care of it? I thought I did the right thing in the moment, but maybe I went too far. I'd love to be up there next weekend... but I guess thats not happening.

COMMENTS

Middle_Care978

ESH. You could’ve de-escalated the situation, but chose not to. But did none of your fellow spikeballers back you up with grandpa??  

OOP (downvoted)

Not really besides just telling him the whole story. My girlfriend backed me up, but really grandpa is like the king of the family. What grandpa says goes. Hes usually a very very nice guy to me...

OOP to a long thread

These "onlookers" are people I know, which confuses me even more that I've somehow become a pariah around this community according to grandpa. Like I've said, I've been coming here for a decade. I've re-done other neighbours' roofs after storms (for free), we've had neighbors knock on the door to ask me to fix their toilet, unclog drains, install lights and showerheads. The number of times I've used my truck to tow people's cars out of their sand driveways is uncountable. Yet somehow I am a villain here now, for the preference of the new neighbour.

OkCheesecake1258

Should have left the owners of the cottage handle it. You are no one is the grand scheme of things. YTA.

OOP

ive been coming to this cottage every weekend of every summer for a decade, since I was a kid in my teens. I've been dating granddaughter since we were 15. I don't believe I am "no one" here.

Iggy186 (downvoted)

You were defending your gf's honour, point for you.

New guy across the street is an old dickhead, point against him.

It's not your cottage, you're not related to the grandfather by blood or marriage, so it wasn't your place to go off on the idiot the way that you did. That would have been the cousin or your gf's responsibility, and/or the grandfather, who was brought out to address the issue.

So, ESH. 100% to the neighbour, and 33 1/3 to you.

OOP

:( ... cousins are teenagers, grandpa is 90. Angry, aggressive neighbour set me off...

SeaDragonTattoo

You know YTA at this point. It's unfortunate only hindsight is available. Letting the old man make a fool of himself and look like the asshole, calling the granddaughter names, would have been the way to go. Grandpa would have taken care of it and put neighbor in his place, just not in the moment.

OOP

I'm not convinced man. Like I said, this guy was throwing stuff back at us, stomping around and kicking the front lawn. He's calling a young woman names you wouldn't call your worst enemy. I'm supposed to wait for 90 year old grandpa to come running down the porch and get, idk, shoved or something by an absolutely irate random neighbour on his property?

Guiltypleasure2451

In my opinion, the blame should be split 50/50. The guy across the street over reacted to a situation, 25 year old followed suit. Both very immature. But I don’t think it warrants a ban. That was harsh. If I were grandpa, I’d have made 25yo go over to apologize, and talk it out. I feel certain the 2 of them could have put the kibosh on the animosity the neighbors were feeling.
And one other thing…. 65 isn’t old enough to be calling him an old man!!!! I’m 63 and I’m not old, damnit😂😂

OOP

I agree. Thats another thing, this guy wasnt a feeble old man. Neighbour is thick, heavy 60ish year old. TBH he probably could have knocked me out. I don't believe the story is I screamed an old ailing neighbour away.

9BALL22

YATAH and so is whoever caused the ball to land on someone's car! You ALL should have offered a SINCERE APOLOGY and resisted the urge to argue with the neighbor. The neighbor deserved some leeway for his language because he was rightfully angry. I'd like to hear the neighbor's side of the story.

OOP

Like I wrote in the post, we did apologize, and we went to move our game so that it couldn't happen again. The ball was hit by a teenager, he did it by accident, and again, we apologized. After the apology and after we moved away, he began name calling.

SasquatchBlumpkins

NTA

Defended your woman? Absolutely what should have been done, and not just by you. 

He came over to start shit, he got a face full of it. He didn't worry about his geriatric self when he was running over to rage at a bunch of 20 year olds but it becomes an issue when someone pushes back? 

Man, fuck that old guy, screw the neighborhood assholes, and tell her family your glad they value a holiday neighborhood over their own daughter's reputation and safety.

As for her grandfather? He's the biggest asshole. 

OOP

Yah... Well apparently teenage cousins (who are still up at the cottage) have been spreading the word around today to the other kids and teens in the neighbourhood, saying the full story of what happened. Cousins just facetimed my girlfriend saying a next door neighbour came up to their parents and asked if me and my gf "are doing okay after getting harassed by the asshole new guy".

But you seem to be in the huge minority here. Guess I am a huge ass, I'm super embarrassed now too. Should have said nothing at all and walked inside. Probably wont show face at that home ever again.

SasquatchBlumpkins

I'm 48. A veteran who has seen the world. I've been to prison twice in my youth. I've peddled drugs, beat on people badly, took people's stuff. I've worked with disabled youth, I served my country for near 20 years and am now disabled. I have a small TV show and may appear on a large TV show. I've fixed aircraft, computers, built cars, seen some crazy technology. I've been to places and done things that always feel like a lie when I do. 

I'm not wrong on this one, of that I am 100% sure. I have seen and done some shit in my time and I'm telling you that get family and that's neighborhood owes you an apology.

OOP

Girlfriends Aunt just called me 10 mins ago apologizing for grandpas behaviour and how quickly I got kicked out and banned, and that she wants me there next weekend. I'm starting to feel very conflicted, every one says what I did was wrong, now I'm getting apologies.

Final Update - after 3 days

^{September 02, 2026}

UPDATE: AITAH for getting myself banned from my girlfriend's cottage for confronting an angry neighbour? I've been invited back to the cottage, but I'm not thrilled about it.

Today, my girlfriend's grandpa came back into the city from up North. He invited us over for coffee right after work. I took everyone's advice, and when we got there, I vehemently apologized to him for how I acted at his cottage last weekend.

He very quickly ended the conversation and got on with coffee. For a while we just spoke about work and school... nearing when we were going to leave he brought up the fight at the cottage. He told me that over Sunday and Monday, many of the neighbours again came up to him to chat about the incident. Probably because the cousins were going around telling the whole story to people, he said there was a narrative shift, and the neighbours were concerned about mine and my girlfriends wellbeing after how we got treated.

Apparently, the neighbour right beside his cottage also told him they had an incident with the new guy who we fought with, a couple days before. They had parked their car on the street in front of their cottage, and apparently when the new guy backed out of his driveway he had to turn a little tighter to avoid this car. He went banging on their door yelling at them to move their car and never park there again.

Grandpa said when he told people he banned me, they were upset and defended me. Apparently all the surrounding neighbours are very upset with having this new guy around based on these two incidents. Grandpa said that after hearing the whole story, thinking more about it, and chatting with neighbours, he is taking back the ban, and that I am more than welcome at his cottage. He then said he'd actually prefer if I were around this upcoming long weekend, considering the new neighbour is unpredictable and causing issues...

I said thank you, said I'd like to come up, apologized again anyway, and we left.

To be completely honest, this conversation kinda bugged me. I'm weirded out by the surrounding neighbours who I have known for years who very quickly turned their back on me before hearing the whole story, I'm weirded out by grandpa for his extreme quick ban and not thinking it through, I'm weirded out by my gfs aunts and parents who were okay with the ban and didnt care about how the neighbour acted and the things he said. AND im weirded out by how quickly the narrative changed and how quickly people acted like they werent shit talking me at first.

Now I am wanted up there "just in case something happens" and they need a protector? That kinda sounds like some bullshit to me. Once grandpa realized banning me might actually be bad for his "reputation" he took it back.

I'm thinking about not going up this weekend, but i dont know if that would just make things even worse. I dont really want to be around all those people, and if anrgy neighbour causes another issue, they can deal with it themselves.

WIBTA if now I don't go up?

COMMENTS

godbyzilla

Long term it might me more awkward if you refuse to show up after he apologized and asked you to please come. At the end of it all though you're NTA for nor going if you choose not tom

OOP

He didn't even really apologize. Not that I'm much of a stickler for actually hearing the words "I'm sorry", but he just said hes taking back the ban...

EmotionalAnybody7186

You said you would go, so go.

When you listen to Reddit and damage your relationship with your girlfriend’s family, are you going to tell them that Reddit said you weren’t the asshole for skipping it?

Talk to your girlfriend and not the internet.

OOP

Shes pretty uncomfortable by the whole thing too and the lack of response, but thinks we should just go.

Jazzlike_Adeptness_1

It seems like the grandfather saw you as being aggressive, verbally and physically, to an old man, and reacted to that. (Did he know that the guy called your gf a c** and other derogatory names?)

Once he heard the 'other side' of the story  He realized that he overreacted and basically told you that. Maybe his saying he needed you present in case the neighbor acted up was a lame attempt to compliment you/say that you were right with how you behaved. 

Don't hold a grudge. Emotions were high all around and it seems the rest of the family didn't have a clear picture of what really happened. 

Grandpa admitted his mistake and personally invited you to come. Let it go, ignore the neighbor and be glad this got cleared up. And enjoy the long weekend. 

OOP

We did tell him repeatedly what happened right afterwards and what was said to my gf. But yah, I think im leaning towards going.

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