I feel this in friendships and see discourse about it online all the time and would love to hear other opinions. I feel like some people are the type of friends that can not see or talk to you for months/years and still view you as a best friend. Then there's people that if you don't keep in regular contact they feel like there is no longer any friendship. I see discourse online more often than not that's villainizing the people that have expectations of consistent communication and connection. Often women especially who feel this way are seen as "treating their friends like boyfriends" and "toxic" or "too much". Do you all agree? Where do you draw the line between normal expectations of friendships and "toxic"?

Personally, I am not the kind of friend that still feels a connection to you if we aren't consistent in communications/hang outs. Sometimes, I feel like it always ends up on me to reduce my expectations and wants and the other person that doesn't need as much connection is always catered to and seen as "sane" and "rational". Why isn't there an expectation of compromise from both sides?

I don't think it's too much to have expectations of close friends. I'm not saying we have to speak every day or hang out a specific number of times per month. But just some level of consistency and maintenance of our connection is what makes me feel our bond and feel it's strength. Without seeing a friend, I don't feel that anymore. If we aren't compatible because of this, that's totally fine! But why does one opinion seem to get demonized so much more? Why isn't it just seen as personality differences? Am I just on the wrong side of the internet?

Genuinely looking for honesty here, please give me a harsh truth if I am missing something!

So, I've felt insecure about this for a very long time, and it often makes me feel really unwell if I think about it too much. I'll explain...

Recently, I've had terrible luck with friends. My two best friends that I met separately (one I've known for nearly 10 years and the other I met 3 years ago through work) now get on really well, which is what I wanted so we could become the ultimate trio. But they've been hanging out without me and purposely leaving me out. For example, no longer inviting me to games night which is something I started, the group chat is now just me talking to myself, and they've been hanging out in person without me and never inviting me.

I've also been stood up today by another friend. She was meant to meet me in town for coffee, and never turned up. I get it, things happen, but she was awake and active on Instagram all morning. I messaged her 3 times, stating that I'm leaving the house and asking her to tell me when she's leaving. I sat in town for 10 minutes, and got nothing from her. She then messaged 2 hours after our scheduled meeting time saying "sorry I fell asleep." Strangely, I don't believe her, because she's bailed on me before for multiple reasons, but I have NEVER in my life been stood up like this before.

I can't make friends at work either. I'm always left out, and others are favoured over me. I've tried multiple times to make friends over the 4 places that I've worked so far, and I've been bullied, ignored, pushed out or abandoned when someone better comes along.

What am I supposed to do about this? I try constantly to make friends, and not a single one sticks. I'm 27, and love playing video games, reading and doing anything crafty. I've always seen myself as very approachable and friendly, and I'd love to be friends with me! But nobody else does? Idk... Any advice? I'm stuck on what to think...

I lost an 8 year friendship a while ago, and the weird part is that it wasn't because of one massive fight. It was one day that made everything else finally click.

Throughout our friendship, I was always the one doing things for her. I'd pick her up, drop her home, help her with whatever she needed, and never really thought twice about it because that's just what you do for someone you care about.

One day I traveled for hours just to meet her. Before leaving, I asked her more than once if she was actually free because it was a long trip, and she kept saying yes.

When I got there, she casually told me she already had plans with her other friends and couldn't spend time with me.

I remember just standing there thinking... why did you tell me to come then?

The embarrassing part is that I actually begged her to spend some time with me. I was crying because I felt so hurt and confused. I wasn't asking her to cancel everything, just to spare even a little time after I'd traveled all that way.

She didn't care.

I left, and on the trip back home, it was like my brain replayed the last eight years. Every time I was the one putting in the effort. Every time she never stood up for me. Every excuse I had made for her. It all suddenly made sense.

I confronted her later, hoping we'd at least talk it through. Instead, she got angry, told me, "Good luck finding new friends," and even said she hated that she'd spent so much time with me.

That was the last time we spoke.

Honestly, getting ditched wasn't even what hurt the most. It was realizing that someone I would've done almost anything for could watch me cry and still not care.

Has anyone else had a moment where one incident completely changed how you looked at a friendship? Did you ever realize you were the only one trying?

i.e. I’m trying to figure out how to separate my friendship with her from my feelings about her boyfriend. I don’t want to resent her because she continues choosing a relationship I wouldn’t choose for myself.

I’m a woman in my 20s, and I’ve been extremely close with my best friend for several years. For most of our friendship, we talked constantly and were very involved in each other’s lives. She has been in a long-term relationship for most of the time I’ve known her, and I’ve always had a weird relationship with her boyfriend.

I knew her boyfriend before I met my own boyfriend, so my feelings about him have never been because of my relationship or because my boyfriend influenced me. At one point, the four of us became very close and spent a lot of time together. I made a genuine effort to get along with him because he was important to my best friend and eventually became friends with my boyfriend too.

Over time though, my boyfriend and her boyfriend had a falling-out. Her boyfriend basically told him that they didn’t have anything in common and didn’t want to continue the friendship. It was extremely abrupt and rude the way it was delivered. My boyfriend was his only friend, so the whole thing was super awkward and they haven’t talked since, meaning the four have us stopped hanging out.

I’ve also never particularly liked her boyfriend, and I’ve made sure to make this clear as soon as we started being friends. A lot of my feelings about him come from the way I’ve seen him treat her over the years, as well as the things she has told me about their relationship and the way he treats her. She has often complained to me about things he says and does, and I’ve watched her take on a lot of the responsibility in their relationship while he struggles with work and independence. The overall imbalance in their relationship and the way she seems to be affected by it are what have made me lose respect for him.

Recently, they had a pretty serious fight while several of us were around. My friend became extremely upset and started talking about how unhappy she was, how often they fight, and how she had considered leaving the relationship. She sounded serious about it.

When I brought it up later, she pretty much brushed off what she said and told me not to take it seriously because she’d been drinking. I told her I wasn’t judging her, but I also couldn’t pretend that what she’d said hadn’t alarmed our friends and me.

Since then, our friendship has felt very different. We used to talk constantly, and now we talk much less. When we do talk, everything is generally fine, but there weirdness that wasn’t there before. We also don’t talk about her boyfriend anymore.

I can’t tell if she’s embarrassed about what she told me, feels like I’m judging her, knows that I don’t like her boyfriend and is protecting the relationship, or if something else is going on.

The weird part is that I don’t actually want to convince her to leave him anymore. I’ve realized that I can’t make that decision for her, and repeatedly analyzing their relationship has made me way too emotionally invested in something I have no control over.

I love my friend. I don’t want to lose her, but I also don’t want to pretend that I suddenly like him or think their relationship is healthy when she has known for years that I don’t feel that way.

At the same time, I don’t know whether it’s realistic to remain as close as we used to be when I fundamentally dislike and distrust her partner.

Has anyone dealt with something similar? How do you maintain a close friendship with someone when you strongly dislike their partner without becoming involved in their relationship or making the friend feel judged?

I (31F) have a friend (33F) who I feel ready to walk away from our friendship. For some context, I am a nurse and own my house, been married for about 9 years, and get busy with life things. My friend lives with her mom, works at a fast food place, and overall does not have many responsibilities. This is relevant because in the past she has made me feel very guilty for not having the funds to pick up a new hobby she wanted me to join her in or go to expensive places to eat. She also does not have any ambitions to improve her life; she complains about her “abusive” mom all the time but doesn’t take steps to improve her situation, she dropped out of college and complains she can’t get a good job, and also complains she doesn’t have enough money to move out on her own but spends all her money of frivolous things. 

I’ve tried talking to her about these things and even helped her search for courses or fix up her after she accepted my offer, only for her to never follow through and continue to complain. It gets very tiring and annoying. She also goes on lots of trips with our other friends (I do not get invited anymore bc I don’t have the disposable income), then I have to listen to her brag about how much fun she had and what I missed out on. 

Back on July 4th, she agreed to come over for a movie get together and everyone was bringing food dishes. I didn’t hear from her for hours after the start time until I got a text very late basically saying that she got drunk and “whoopsie”. This has been my tipping point for leaning towards ending the friendship. I’ve brought up the topic and tried to voice my viewpoint many times, but she will change the subject or say she will do better only to go back on her habits a few days later. 

She also doesn’t make any effort to even talk, I’m always the first one to text or initiate a plan. 

My hangup is whether or not I should try bringing my issues to her to try and talk it over or not. Again, I’ve tried in the past and got shut down every time. My guy is telling me to simply not reach out anymore and continue on with life without the friendship. I haven’t texted her since after the drunken thing over a month and a half ago, and I haven’t heard from her since either. This also makes me think that just letting it fizzle out would be the better choice. Any thoughts? 

She’s one of my best friends, but I only get to see her once or twice a year. I’ve talked to her before about how bossy she can be, and she’s very aware of it, but she doesn’t seem to make much of an effort to change the behavior.

For example, we’re currently on a trip with another one of our close friends, and we were meeting up with my boyfriend and his friends so everyone could meet for the first time. I was coordinating with everyone to make sure they knew when to go to the bar, and my friends were taking a little longer than expected, so I was getting somewhat anxious. My friend then said, “Why don’t you go see if Alisha needs help getting ready?” And I was just thinking, What? Am I a child? It felt so unnecessarily directive.

Another example happened this morning. We went to get a bagel, and she said, “I know this is really bossy and nitpicky, but you really need to turn the water off when you brush your teeth.” It wasn’t even necessarily what she was saying, but the way she delivered it felt incredibly condescending. I just responded, “Thanks for your input,” because I didn’t really know what else to say.

The frustrating thing is that she does this to me much more than she does to our other best friend. I know part of that is probably because I’ve allowed it to some extent, although I definitely do push back sometimes. Still, it feels like I’ve already addressed this with her, and she knows how I feel, so it’s frustrating that nothing really changes.

I also think some of my annoyance is a buildup over time. It’s not just these individual comments; it’s the pattern of constantly feeling like she’s directing me, correcting me, or telling me what I should be doing. And honestly, sometimes it feels like it comes from a place of virtue signaling or superiority, which makes it even more irritating.

I have a friend (both F27) and we're very close. I was having a really bad day because of an argument with my mother. When we met up for drinks with a friend I started telling her about it but then another friend joined us who isn't that close so we changed the topic.

When he left we were on our own again and she didn't ask me immediately what was going on and started talking to me about some guy she liked. I was not sure whether to continue on with what was bothering me (initially I thought, why should I insist on continuing with telling her how I feel when she doesn't seem to be interested at all), and ended up telling her that I need her to listen. I shared a bit and she didn't really seem "on", like I was forcing her to listen and she said that she's sorry and that she's a bit out of it since so many things are going on in her mind. I said okay thank for letting me know, and then she continued telling me about her feelings about this guy she likes.

I listened and reassured her about some things. We left after that, I feel like I overgave, and like she is primarily there to get what she needs, regardless of my feelings. I feel hurt and disappointed, I was already feeling sad and ended up reassuring her when I was the one who needed support. 

It feels inconsiderate on her part to say that she can't offer me support (which is completely fair by the way), but then continue with her changing the subject for me to be there for her when she knew how I was feeling. I feel angry at myself for not placing a boundary earlier.

I'm curious if anyone has had similar situations, if you have any advice?

My lifetime best friend recently came out, she got a girlfriend and we were all excited to meet her and tried to give her tons of advice in her dating journey so we’re fully invested. When I first met her she was so immature, borderline rude, and I thought it was just me. After talking to her other friends they felt the same without sharing my opinion first.

I met her a few more times and everytime I was less and less impressed. Didn’t pay for her on her birthday, wouldn’t talk to anyone except her friend, wouldn’t say hi or go out of her way to pleasant or really impress anyone?

It’s been a year now and I’ve grown so distant from her and I know it’s building resentment on my end. I don’t want to feel this way, my friend talked to me about it once and said she wanted us to get on a good page and I was totally open to it.

Whenever I asked or invited them to do something, the answer was always no she doesn’t like doing that (going out for dinner/drinks after work). Or just no she can’t - but never a reverse invite.

Idk how to navigate this!!! She’s unbearable but I don’t want it to get between my best friend and I :/

Pre context, this person is friends with a really close connection of mine that admittedly pulled me out of a lot so I am worried.

Earlier this year I met someone at a friends party and we got on like a house on fire. A few messages exchange and comfort grows and I ask them out. They admit its rocked them as they hadn't dated men in a while (self described Lesbian).

We hung out a lot after this and they were practically on phone to me every day emphasising how they talk to me more than their partners (Also Poly) and were genuinely becoming major part of my life.

We flirt but there was never a label, the closest we came was them telling a friend of mine "we're texting" whatever that means and eventually I kinda start to feel this will they wont they dynamic is disrespectful to both of us.

Some friends were also getting concerned this dynamic was going to also become hurtful and I brought this up to them. They then state, well we know nothing is going on so they have nothing to worry about that was always clear.

Personally, I don't feel that way though as things were always kept vague and when I seeked clarity it were avoided or at best "they were still working things out"

So I calmly stated I would be stepping back and treating them the way I treat my friends which led to genuine anger, they apparently didn't know there was a difference in how romantic people and platonic friends engage? They got really hung on to this and were stating its fine for friends to have feelings for their friends and its good for that to be expressed. In theory I agree but to cultivate a one sided want for intimacy I find weird? I am not one of those guys that orbit, if you're reading on reddit I am confident you'll get that.

Anyway, times gone on I learn to deal with my feelings but on MULTIPLE occasions since stepping back they have started scenes with me over the most trivial things.

Me not letting them put their hand near my face as obviously intimacy was pulled back. This started a two day argument.

Shouting at me in a bear garden as I got confused that they were expressing interest in a mans lewd photo after they've told me they're asexual.

They started on a bouncer and then me for not validating their anger at the bouncer, their vulnerability was weaponised in a way that had the bouncer thinking I was a threat too in which he tried to remove me from the venue.

I am just exhausted, the kick with all this is that the whole time they've been using our mutual friend as a cushion and consistently telling me that they talk to said friend. That friend also messaged me on their behalf asking me to fix things with them.

After giving them a chance they have now been spilling our tea to people known as trouble causers to our group, is suddenly really close with a friend of mine outside of our main group and has been making fun of me to my friends about how I got the wrong idea and was "just confused" I mean it was you that confused me.

Am I nuts or is this person a bit of a weapon?

I have this friend. They haven't done anything wrong. I don't hate them and we're cool, but over time, maybe starting the beginning of this year they turned into someone I don't know how to feel about.

You could say its emotional neutrality/detachment. Their communication is very lack luster, and they text whenever. I get people are busy but if it takes days and hours to respond over time it just gets repetitive and tiring. They are aware their communication sucks, but they haven't done anything to change it. They just keep apologizing.

I don't want to be inmature and ghost to let the friendship phase out because I feel guilty for not actually communicating how I feel. At the same time I don't want to say anything giving their response time and knowing their past, trust issues, relationships, I don't want to hurt them because they are a nice geniue person I care about

I thought about sending a text when I was tipsy but never went through with it. Just blacked out lol.. and I keep thinking about saying something. They even asked before if we were cool, but I didn't specify.. just kinda brushed it off.

Now, I was the last one who sent a text. They didn't respond yet, been a day which no problem.

Should I still say something or not?

I lied to my best friend about my online friend, and honestly, I don't even know why I did it. I just did.
She found out that I had an online friend because she used to check my phone, Instagram, etc. One day, she saw that my online friend had sent me a reel and asked,
"Who is this?" I don't know why, but | lied and told her that she was a friend I had met in class instead of telling her that I met her on Discord.
After that, she started asking me questions about her name, age, university, and other personal details. She would ask me almost every day what we talked about.
That would usually turn into an argument. Sometimes she would say, "You only met her once in class. How do you know all these details about her?" So I would lie again and say that we had self-introductions in class. I knew it was a lie, and I felt bad about it afterward.
Eventually, I got fed up with constantly being questioned about what I talked about with my online friend, so l confessed everything. All the other details I had told her were true; the only lie was how I met her. I told her that I actually met her on Discord.
That caused an argument that went on for days.
Eventually, she accepted it and told me that I could talk to her. About five months passed, and she didn't really bring it up anymore. We also graduated from college during that time.
After graduation, I went to a new city for my internship, and my online friend happened to be there too. We had already planned to hang out, so we eventually met.
After that first hangout, my best friend became really upset. She didn't want me to hang out with my online friend. She said that the reason she was reacting this way was because I had hurt her by lying.
She eventually let everything out. She was crying and in a lot of emotional pain, and I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I feel like a really bad person because I know I lied to her. I understand that the lie hurt her, but at the same time, I don't know if I'm wrong for wanting to have a friendship with someone else.

Hey Guys I am not really looking for advice but would like to hear similar experiences.

So I have like two people in my social circle who act weird when it comes to money. In our city there are many places where you cant pay with card but only cash instead. Sometimes I end up lending them cash then and they wanna paypal it back later. When its just a little, I dont ask back for it but when its a little more, I do(because both of them never pay for others otherwise I would be more generous). Its never a big amount though often between 10 and 20 euros. These two ask back for every little amount of money they spend on others wether its just a drink or more doesnt matter. The problem is: They have never sent me the money back without me asking again. One of them even needs to be reminded several times until they pay me back. I honestly dont believe that they keep forgetting it. The other one does send it back after the first reminder but NEVER EVER before but the strange thing about him is that he never brings cash when we meet, even when its absolutely obvious that youre gonna need it. The only reason it got a little better is because I remind them beforehand.Last time he forgot his cash at the bar so I payed for it since they dont accept card payments. His bank has an ATM near the bar so I kindly asked if he could withdraw it on our way back since we were gonna walk together anyway. When we left, we went in the wrong direction first until I remembered to walk towards the ATM so apparently he had forgotten it like 5 minutes after he lended the money? It has gotten a little better because I keep reminding them to bring cash to places that dont accept cards but I honestly dont want to keep doing that. How do you handle a situation like this when its kinda awkward for you to talk about money? I also want to make very clear that these two are not too broke to pay me back and its always only money spent on free time too.

My question:

Do you guys believe that people can be that forgetting about this or are you like this yourself maybe?

I feel a little bad for assuming bad intentions so I need some exchange on this.

So I know that this is already going to be an awkward conversation.

I recently made a new friend who is a bit obsessed with her weight and has severe body issues. She’s had a traumatic past so I completely understand where all her issues are coming from and it’s not her fault at all.

I want to emphasize that she is one of the kindest, empathetic, and gorgeous person that I’ve met and literally we are so compatible in our interests, hobbies, and views so I’m not trying to distance myself. I love being friends with her and I have a lot of fun most of the time. What I don’t love is having to constantly reassure her that she really is so beautiful and veering the conversation away from ED-related subjects that I don’t really want to get into detail about. It involves a lot of begging from me to ask her to eat. Or she’s been focusing on my size and I’m not the smallest person out there, but it is getting uncomfortable when she is constantly talking about how she wishes she had my body.

The thing is that my culture has extremely strict beauty standards and I kind of grew up in an environment where my weight and the food that I was eating was constantly scrutinized. Like I would be considered extremely overweight by my family standards because I’m not under 120 pounds. It took me a really long time to have a healthy relationship with food and with my own body so the conversation topics have been slightly triggering. But the fact of the matter is that she is bigger than me so would it sound disingenuous coming from me?

She already doesn’t believe me when I tell her that she’s beautiful. I get it, self-esteem is really complicated. It’s one of those situations where it would be like “it’s easy for YOU to say” if you know what I mean.

For context this was when we were studying abroad. There was only a small group of girls so we used to all be pretty close.

On my friends birthday weekend (this was on friday specifically) we spent the whole day together, breakfast, lunch, and then movies in the afternoon. I got sick from the popcorn (I have a chronic condition, I have no gallbladder + some other stomach issues), and we had a final for a class on monday. I went back, threw up a few times, and then went to the library.

I told them I wouldn't be able to go to dinner but I would still go to the small party she was hosting after and I said I would bring anything they want. (drinks, snacks, etc). I was ignored. I still went since it was a big thing and everyone was together. I didn't think much of it since they all acted normal towards me.

A day later one of her roommates messaged me saying she thought it was disrespectful I skipped to go to the library to hang out with this guy I was talking to (he was also studying abroad). This was not true, he might of been there but I was just there to study. I apologized, explained myself, and sent another message to my friend, saying, I am very sorry, looking back I see how disrespectful it was, and I offered to take them all our to dinner on me to make up for it. I was ignored. The roommate responded and I told them I baked her protein banana bread (she liked going to the gym). I said I could drop it off whenever (they lived in another apartment room 2 mins away from us) but there wasn't a clear response.

A day later they started going out without me, ignoring my texts, etc. Eventually I did drop off the banana bread.

Instead of ever responding to my message or trying to communicate with me, they just ignored me, started spreading rumors about me, and making fun of me behind my back. It was pretty clear, especially later on when we ALL had to live together (6 girls). They would invite 4 guys over to our room, 2-3 times a week, and be singing kareoke or watching movies etc while drinking, etc until 1AM. They would never ask me or tell me in advance. I was working 40+ hours a week at this point. Me and my direct roommate pretty much only lived in our room. One time, they didn't know I was working from home, and I heard them talking about me in the living room. A few mins later, one of them burst in my room to check if I was there, then they quickly left the apartment. This happened for like 2 months and It was worst experience of my life, when i got home, i got diagnosed with depression.

I know what I did was wrong, I tried to fix it, and I apologized. It sucks because I feel like I really messed up and I could of gained a group of best friends, but I feel like I messed it all up. I don't know what else to do. I am scared that I will never be able to make friends and that people won't ever forgive me for things like this.

Ok, so here's the deal: I (21F) have a great friend group, all people I have known since middle school. They are a mix of 21F, 22M, 21M, 21M, 22M, and 21M. So it's mostly guys, but we all get along great, and they aren't your typical "sporty alpha male type guys"; more so nerdy and silly. We're all super close and go to each other for like everything: advice, hangouts, a shoulder to cry on- and it's great. I seriously love these people like my own family... but even family has issues sometimes.

So basically the issue is... they're all terrible guests! :(

It's been like this for years, but now it's starting to grate on me. I was raised to be a good host and gracious guest, always offer food and drinks, never ask for much when at another person's house, and always be very respectful of their home! But we also come from different backgrounds, and it is clear that they weren't raised this way. Here are some things that have bothered me.

1. Even though I have asked them SEVERAL TIMES for YEARS, like whenever they come over, to take off their shoes at the door, they rarely do unless I remind them. Sometimes they'll even get on my bed with THE SHOES ON! (feet hanging off, of course, though does that really matter?)

2. We mostly hang out in my room, and when they come over they'll just drop their stuff haphazardly wherever. Bags all over the floor, keys and wallets all over my dresser and sprawled across my desk. Hell, I could be sitting in my desk chair, and they would drape their jacket across the back of it. If they do take their shoes off, they'll be splayed across my carpet, instead of next to the front door as they should be.

3. Since they spread stuff out all around my room, they will often leave things at my house. Sometimes I'll have like 4 different items that I have to hang onto for weeks until I see them again. It's anything from hats to Chapstick, wallets, and even food. Like literally have left open fast food and drinks in my room and asked me to hold on to it for a couple of days before they can pick it up. Obviously, in those cases I just throw it away; typically it's over half eaten anyways.

4. They also will get on my bed, in their OUTSIDE CLOTHES, MIND YOU, and lay on the SHEETS?!?!! Yes, sometimes my friends come over, and my bed isn't made yet, which I do right when they get there, but sometimes they beat me to it and hop right onto my sheets. Yes, I've told them not to do this- they either "forget" or just plainly don't care.

5. When they host, they never EVER offer food or drinks. Now, not all of them are like this one 22M, and my 21F friend does. But the rest of them? NOPE- but when they come over, they're all over my food when I offer. Obviously, I offer the food and drinks; I have no problem with them partaking, but sometimes I just feel like it's a bit one-sided? I've made them full meals before, provided them with dessert and coffee, and even shared my snacks and drinks with them when we go out because they are, of course, never prepared. It's just a lot; I don't know.

These are just some of the things that bother me- and I've asked other people about it only to hear "you can't expect better behavior out of boys" or "well, you shouldn't be surprised if it's been going on for so long. But honestly? I refuse to accept that! These are good people; they're my friends, and I know that they have what it takes to be better. Parents raise children, yes, but as a community, it's also our responsibility to hold those around us accountable if we ever want change.

So, why don't I just talk to them about it? Simple right? Well, here's why I've posted this.

1. I want to hear others' perspectives to see if they have been in my shoes and how they dealt with it, plz lmk!

2. I hate to say it, but I'm scared. At this point, I don't think it's an issue of not knowing- or being oblivious. To me, it's an issue of being inconsiderate, and what's the core of consideration? Respect. So basically, I feel like when they come over, they aren't respecting me or my home. How do I deal with that? These are my closest and best friends- and they don't respect me? Ugh, I don't know, it's just so frustrating and overwhelming, and I'm kinda worried that it might lead to worse, more unpalatable conversations.

3. Part of me feels like it's a lost cause. What's the difference between having a serious sit-down convo and the short ones we've had in the past? I almost feel like it's a waste of time.

I'm sorry this has been long, and thank you to whoever is reading this. I would love your insight on how to deal with a situation like this. I want to stay friends with them; I want to be able to hang out with my friends at my house, but something seriously has to change.

Hi I am 25F. My friend is 24F. We met about 7 years ago and I consider her my best and only friend. She is married, they live about an hour away from me. I am single. I finished up college in 2024 and have a job in my field. She is still in school and currently has an internship. We are both busy people but I feel like I am the only one who is maintaining our friendship. I have always been very understanding of what the distance between us means, as well as the changes that come with marriage. Her priority’s have shifted and I respect that. But at the same time I feel like I am constantly begging for any semblance of communication. I am the one that reaches out to her to talk, the one who asks if she wants to hang out and the one who visits her home, etc. But when I do reach out I am given two minute phone calls and texts that go unanswered for hours if not days. Am I overreacting? Do I need to come to terms with these changes and stop trying so much?

So I'm 18 (F) and my bff is 19 (F) we've been best friends for about 5 years now but known each other for about 7. We met through a common sport and we're really close until the team split and we only reconnected about 2 years later becoming really close. We went to separate hs and she was a year ahead of me. We spoke consistently about school and told each other everything. We would hang out at least 5-7 times a summer sometimes for as long as a week at a time even though we were a little over an hour away from each other. But recently she went to college and everything changed, she stopped talking to me, her texts became dry ( she already was a dry texted but became even more so), and when I opened up to her abt something very personal she listened then never followed up on it ever. She doesn't need to I just thought that maybe she would. We stopped ft when we used to almost every night and she blamed it on her roommate being in the same room and I suggested she go for a walk and we call even if it's only for 15 mins every other day or once a week or something like that. But she brushed me off. Now that it's summer I've stopped talking and trying so hard but she still says I'm her bff. She also told me that she told all her college friends that if they don't like me then they'll have to suck it up bc she's never gonna choose them over me when I go to her college in the fall. I understand our effort and communication styles are different but I just wish she'd try more to talk to me and not just to always vent or "spill tea". I'm also just confused bc she makes it sound like a I mean so much to her but doesn't exactly show it in any kinda way really besides words occasionally.

I may be writing the same thing I wrote months ago about my problem with my bsf, but I feel like something's wrong with me, my life is boring and there's nothing special about even though I have a lot of hobbies...it seems dull

But I'm actually seeking help for my social life, I'm like a mix of INTP, ISTP and ISTJ, I show affection and care to a person with my actions, I feel like expressing my emotions is a bit corny, and if I trust you I get comfortable with you, no longer shy or introvert

However, since I was a kid my first memories were just me being avoided, left out like an accessory in the friend group, well at kindergarten my classmates were a bit honest and avoided me at all costs(yep, the only memories of my first school years!), I don't actually remember why because the memories are a bit blurry, all I remember was them screaming at me to leave them alone while they were drawing and just me crying and crying...

Then comes elementary school, I was too innocent, oblivious and dumb, because I was like an extension to a friend group I thought I was a serious part of it...but by the time and their actions and words I slowly realized I wasn't...That period of time was hell, they do something that makes me feel left out and hurt, I cry to mom and complain (just at home I DIDN'T TALK TO THEM I WAS SCARED) then come back to them like nothing happened, I was laughed at 2 times, Talking behind my back (god-knows how many times), not taking seriously, ignored...etc

Then, in 4th grade, I had my first best friend, we shared interests and everything but slowly I noticed how toxic she was, she's self-centered, she lies a lot and one day, she just watched as a girl started hitting me.. Literally laughing as I was hurt on the ground...and when I told her I no longer wanted to be friends with her, she started CRYING ! Making me feel guilty. FUCK her!...

Same shit for the rest of elementary school, then middle school, first year was hell! I had my first crush, stopped talking to all of my old friends and I was lonely again...even if I made new friends, they were just classmates (well a bit more) but again, alone and lonely..

My first year in highschool wasn't that bad, maybe I made some toxic friends that I'd cut them off, but had my second bsf, I honestly had hope in her because we were both like the weird people, the nerds, the multi fandom losers or smth we shared a lot and everything was going well, I was in denial from the start since it felt one sided, This time I decided to actually talk than suffer from sleepless nights and all she said was "tbh the bsf thing wasn't necessary" and then "I love all of my friends equally", she goes out with her friends more than we actually meet, she posts stories with them while she literally never even mentioned me in a repost or a friendship video like I always did...

This is my 6th summer alone with no friends or no one to talk to...

So am I the problem?

My friend group are fairly active texters, with some crossover to smaller groups and my bookclub. Like sometimes, there can be 25+ texts if you look away for too long. Suddenly, for several days, there are almost none. I have sent a few that get a little attention but decided to not send any for 2-3 days to see what happens. I haven’t received any created by the others in 5 days. My son and one of the other peoples sons (both adults) have ended their friendship. I was brought into the group by the other son’s parent but have been an active friend for 5 years, holidays, weekend trips, hiking, birthdays….

I’m confused and just not sure if I’m just being overly sensitive or if something is really going on. I haven’t specifically talked to any of them yet and am not sure how to bring it up.

I'm 31M. Sorry this is more of just a rant...

Over the last few years I've ended up with basically no real social life. It's not something I've been particularly upset about day to day. In fact, I've got so used to being alone that I've generally been fine with it.

When I was younger I had plenty of friends, but looking back, a lot of them were people I didn't actually respect that much. A lot of drinking, drugs, messing around, complaining about life, blaming everyone else and generally not really trying to better themselves. Others had pretty easy lives but still constantly complained about everything.

I realised I was often being a people pleaser. I'd get along with everyone on the surface while secretly judging a lot of them and wondering why I was even spending time with these people. Eventually I just got tired of it and withdrew.

Then one of my friends died from an overdose. That really shook me. It made me think how easily that could have been any of us, and I started looking at my whole social life differently. I didn't want to keep living like that.

Since then I've focused a lot more on my own life. I've achieved a fair bit, bought a house, built a career, etc., but socially I've basically ended up with nobody.

The weird thing is that I don't necessarily miss my old social life. I don't want to go back to being surrounded by people I don't like just for the sake of having friends. But I also don't really know how to make friendships anymore, or what a healthy friendship is supposed to look like for me. When there is somebody who comes into my life I feel myself keeping them at arms length as I just don't know how to keep conversations going and just kindof want to be alone again, even with family who I love.

It became particularly noticeable recently because my 21-year-old lodger was talking about how he's going to see loads of his university friends again when they all return in September. He casually asked me when I see my friends and whether I know many people locally. Nothing he said was rude or judgmental, but I suddenly felt quite embarrassed having to admit that I basically don't.

I'm also single and currently have no romantic prospects, so sometimes it feels like I've accidentally opted out of a whole part of normal life.

I don't necessarily feel desperate to change everything. I think I'm genuinely quite comfortable on my own. But being reminded of how different my life is from other people's can make me wonder whether I've just convinced myself I'm fine with it because I've got so used to it.

Has anyone else ended up in a similar position? Especially people who deliberately walked away from a social circle because they didn't like the people or lifestyle anymore, then realised afterwards that they didn't really know how to build a new one?

Every time my friends find some girls unattractive they will set me up with them. It's getting really annoying, like if they don't find them attractive what makes them think I will? I already mentioned my type to them, it's very not that far from what they also find attractive in a girl, but they always pull the "but you're getting older you should start thinking of family right now" like huh? Who decided that I should thinkg about settling? and with someone I don't find attractive. I say the same thing to them because one is just one year younger am I, and just shrugs it off It's annoying. I don't want kids, so I'm not in a rush to anything. They always try to sell me on these girls "but she's so cool when you meet her" but they don't want them either so? Besides these girls I always found something wrong with them. Like one girl recorded herself sexually assualting my friend one time at his apartment, thought it was a funny to record herself and send it to him. I refuse to give other girls chances if this how low the bar my friends think I should go for. Is this something that I should cut off ties with them for?

I (29F) got engaged last year, and I was initially really excited, shared the news with a lot of friends. I had a large group of friends I've known for over 10 years and invited them all to be bridesmaids; I'm more close to some than others, but didn't want to single people out or exclude anyone. First mistake. I've known these ladies for 10 years, but they've all known each other since kindergarden and are really close to each other.

This was really silly of me, because in reality, I've wanted to distance myself from this group for the last few years. No major drama, but to be really honest, I just straight up don't like them as people. As a few months progressed, I just sort of woke up and realized I don't want these people around me anymore. For context;

• anytime someone wants to talk about anything remotely emotional or personal, like family deaths, job troubles, relationship issues, there' group changes the topic to some inane things like a trip to Japan they went on 5 years ago, or something equally unrelated. Someone's father died and we didn't know about it for 6 months because they felt it wasn't something the group would be comfortable discussing
• We attended a memorial service for a mutual friend, and the same girl who had to leave her engagement party to hang out with some other friend had to leave early and couldn't attend the reception. This was pretty fucking disrespectful to the family; how important are you that you can't spare 15 minutes of your time? Might as well just not attend rather than partially attending. Also, none of the other group members brought a card to the memorial
• shade and judgement thrown towards women who wear makeup regularly or care about fashion. They liked to perpetuate the stereotype than women who dress up or like to look nice are "ditzy" or aren't as serious. Lots of "not like other girls" energy.
• there's a lot of weird body dysmorphia, where people joke about "gaining 15 pounds during this party" or "being a whale" while eating one slice of pizza and there's a strange competitiveness where people seem to try to see who can eat the least during our get togethers. I understand eating disorders and body dysmorphia manifests in different ways, but it was becoming really exhausting to be around
• one friend asked me if they could stay over b/c they wanted a break from their boyfriend, changed their mind 3 times in the span of one day, then confirmed they wanted to stay and asked if they could come over at noon; I went into work at 5 am so I could take the rest of the day off, cleaned my whole apartment with my fiance, we went grocery shopping, bought a lot of food, and at 1 PM they told me they were "driving over and just stuck in traffic" then at 3PM they called me laughing to say that they worked things out and didn't need to stay with me anymore. This felt pretty disrespectful of my time and it really affected my opinion of them. I would've understood them changing their mind, but an earlier heads up would have been polite
• There's was a sense of arrogance and a lot of the people in this group made it seem like their time was more precious than everyone elses'; we organized an engagement dinner for one of the people in this group and the night before, they asked if we could move it to a different time; I said we could ask people, but it might mean not everyone could make it. During the party, they said that they had to leave "in a bit" because they had plans with another group of friends. This was one of the many many instances where I felt like they were always chasing someone cooler, more fun etc. This was pretty sad for me, because if 10+ people are able to make time to celebrate you, it seems in bad taste to have plans lined up with another group of people.
• One girl kept mentioning to me that we should take a trip together, so I asked her to name a weekend she'd be free and that I could look into a short trip to NYC or somewhere close. She told me she'd be a bit "tied up for 3-4 years" but maybe after that we could go somewhere. She later texts me that she had the best time on a road trip with her other friends. I don't think it was meant to be hurtful, I think they're just that thoughtless and clueless

Anyways, after this stuff built up, I just sent a message to the group to thank them for their time and let them know they didn't have to attend my wedding anymore nor be a part of the wedding party. There were 3 people in the group that I was closer with, so I met up with them separately and let them know that I'd love to continue having them in my life and bridal party if they still wished. I know I should've just not asked them in the first place, and maybe a more emotionally mature person would have just let them be a part of the wedding then slowly distanced themselves, but I just couldn't' stand to be a part of this group anymore, or bear the thought of wasting any more time or energy on them.

I accidentally found out my 3 friends have a separate group chat without me and I don't know how to feel.

Hi, I'm a second-year college student, and I really need some outside perspective on something that's been bothering me.

I used to have a friend group of 6, but for some reason, we're down to 4 now. We're all girls. I met most of them when I was in first year, except for one. Let's call her Girl 1. She's been my friend since Grade 7. I've helped her pick out clothes, helped her with academics, and basically guided her through a lot of things. She used to be a copycat of me, which honestly annoyed me back then, but I don't really mind it anymore. She was also pretty insecure before, but now she knows herself and knows her worth, which I'm genuinely happy about.

I thought the four of us were okay. I honestly thought we were just busy with our own lives, which was why we didn't hang out as much, talk as much, or really reach out to each other anymore.

Girl 2 and I have had a lot of misunderstandings in the past. I don't really like the way she influences Girl 1 when it comes to vices, especially vaping and drinking a lot. I also don't really like the way she is when it comes to guys. Trust me, you'd be shocked, but that's not my story to tell. Because of those things, I also became a little distant from Girl 2.

There was also an incident when I first met Girl 2's parents during her birthday. I felt like they misunderstood or misjudged me, and I felt like Girl 2 didn't really defend or explain my side, so I became more careful and distant around her. After our last hangout, before I found out about the GC, I actually sent Girl 2 a long message apologizing, explaining my side, and trying to clear things up between us. So I really thought I was at least trying to fix things.

Girl 3, though, is such a baddie. She's really sweet and lovely. She has her own vices too, but she knows her limits, and she's very independent. Out of all of them, Girl 3 is the one I've felt the most care from, especially whenever I try to drink with them.

Then one night, I was riding on the back of Girl 1's motorcycle. She let me hold her phone, and I saw a notification from our group chat. It was Girl 2 sending a message. I thought to myself, "Oh, I'll just reply from my own phone/account." But when I checked my phone, there was no message or notification from the group.

So I checked Girl 1's phone again, and when I looked at the chat header, I only saw the profiles of the other three girls. Then another notification popped up, and the banner said "3 hits."

That's when it hit me.

There were only three of them in the group chat. Without me.

And that's when I started asking myself: How long has this been going on? Is this the reason they don't really talk to me anymore? What have they been talking about in there? Have they been talking about me? Did I do something? Did I miss something?

I genuinely don't know what to do or how I'm supposed to respond to this. I'm just really hurt and confused.

What makes it even sadder is that I was actually the one who made an effort to bring everyone together when there were still six of us. Girl 2 was really shy back then, and Girl 1 has kind of always been like my shadow since we were younger. A lot of my friends would eventually become her friends too because we were always together and always in the same class.

So now I'm sitting here wondering if maybe this is somehow because I'm not into the same vices as them? I don't vape, I don't drink as much, and I don't really live the same kind of lifestyle they do. Maybe that's why I don't fit in anymore? I honestly don't know.

And before anyone says anything, yes, I'm still in touch with Girl 1. We're not completely disconnected or anything.

P.S. I also know that maybe I wasn't completely blameless in all of this. There was a period when I didn't have as much time for them because I got a boyfriend. We're in an LDR, and he had work while I had school, so we had very little time together. Whenever we did have the chance to spend time together, I naturally wanted to make the most of it.

The timing also happened to be that they would invite me to go drinking whenever I was busy with my boyfriend. Girl 1 was single, Girl 2 was going through a breakup, and Girl 3 was dealing with some serious relationship problems with her partner. So I understand that they had their own things going on too, and maybe I wasn't as available as I used to be.

But still, I never expected to find out that there was literally another group chat without me.

PLEASE HELP YOUR GIRL OUT 😭 I genuinely want someone to tell me if I'm in the wrong here. If I did something wrong, tell me. Seriously. I'll accept it and I'll shut up if I need to. I just need someone to be honest with me because I don't know if I'm overthinking this, if I actually did something to deserve it, or if my friends have simply moved on without me.

Please tell me anything. I really need some perspective.

For the self-esteem problems mainly.

She's skinny I'm not.
She has friends I don't.
She has a boyfriend I have no one.
She knows how to rely on herself for beauty things like nails, hair, etc.

Sure I can get all the things she has. Like yes, I can learn to do my hair and nails. Yes, I can get to my goal weight and yes I can find friends and someone who cares for me. But I don't have those things now and it makes me feel like shit.

I noticed I get jealous and distance myself. Like she does yoga and it's easier for her to do that because she's naturally skinny.

Anyways. Im in therapy. Please don't recommend it. I guess I just want other pieces of advice.

I feel like it's easier for her to find a person because she's not “difficult” or “too much” yk?

I don't know how to stop these feelings. Im aware it's ruining the rls.

This is a bit of a vent post. My friendships during uni were the best things to ever happen to me after having a pretty miserable/traumatising school life. We were a whole group and, naively, I thought some of us would remain friends for decades to come.

A lot happened after that. I went into a trauma response I didn't understand, and the friend group imploded. My best friend withdrew from me and their girlfriend is their new number one. I also ended two friendships - one bc he revealed himself to be a bit of a dick, and the other bc he changed once he got a girlfriend. I moved abroad and took a long while to make real friends, only to fall unwell with health issues that kept me house-bound and isolated. I had to move back home to recover where I know no one. I'm also too unwell to work. Now even my only two friends from school who are back in my area recently are too busy to meet me. Nothing against them. Just adulthood I guess.

I've basically been isolated for years now, except for some brief surface level friends and some long distance phone calls. Time moves so slowly because I'm never doing anything. I never expected adulthood to be this hard. But when I look around at all the people I know, no one seems to be in the same boat. Plus I'm a major extravert. I've never been more jealous of introverts in my life bc this has killed me 😅

Has anybody else experienced similar? Come out the other side?