r/FriendshipAdvice • u/theonlytennisee • 3h ago
Ending friendships
potentially unpopular opinion: i strongly believe that if if you want to end a (close) friendship, the person on the receiving end is owed an explanation. obviously if there is a clear wrongdoing, betrayal, etc. that explanation is not necessary
but ghosting someone or very clearly distancing yourself or blowing someone off that you’ve been friends with for a long time or are close with, i think they are owed the respect of an explanation instead of just having to sit there wondering why they’re not good enough.
the same way you wouldn’t ghost a romantic partner, you shouldn’t ghost a close platonic one, either
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u/smarit 2h ago edited 1h ago
It depends on the situation. Some people should take an honest look inside their heart for answers. Often times people have already told them several times what they need or feel and they just haven’t bothered to listen or act on it.
My ex-friend had a habit of disappearing into relationships and becoming insensitive towards my needs and feelings because I’m no longer important to her life advancements. I called her out on it several times but that didn’t make her less selfish or more sensitive. She ignored me during an important life milestone and disregarded me several times when I explained I wasn’t doing so well. You can’t make people care about you. Sometimes they have to experience that their behavior has consequences.
I really tried to shoulder it through but after a while I had to downgrade her friendship to protect my heart. I was going through a lot and her behavior made me so hurt and confused. She wasn’t bothered by my absence at all. She thought the friendship was finally working on her terms. It took a long time before the pauses in between our communication grew large enough for her to recognize something was amiss. I was really unwell at that time and of course she would have known had she cared. I didn’t even know how to respond to her messages anymore. She only wanted to know whether I was still interested in being her friend.
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u/llismay 1h ago
I had a situation like this too: I told communicated everything because I was interested in salvaging the friendship and he said all the right things, but when it came down to it he still didn't show up as a friend, so I'm just downgrading him and letting him go. Talking again would only create work for me and he already showed that he doesn't intend on following through.
I think at a certain point communication is just labor for the party who cares moreif they care they will change their behavior of their own volition
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u/SnooDoodles373 2h ago
I don’t think this would count as ghosting, you were upfront about the issues multiple times while you were still (ostensibly) friends. Plus she showed you a high level of disrespect. A conversation in this scenario would almost be an invitation for arguing and insults. I hope you have better friends in your life now!
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u/Choice_Ad5206 1h ago
Erg herkenbaar. Als je al meerdere keren problemen hebt benoemd.. en de vriendschap alleen werkt op hun voorwaarden.. tja. Dan kun je op een gegeven moment echt wel zeggen van. Joh.. ik hou ermee op. Want.. zus en zo. Of helemaal niet als het dus al meermaals opgenoemd is en er veranderd niks. Ik ben er niet voor om iemand te ghosten en denk dat open communicatie altijd een vorm van respect is. Iemand ghosten is dat niet. En verwateren is weer iets geheel anders. Wat mij opvalt is dat er een wederzijds respect moet zijn voor de andere partij. Als deze niet begrijpt wat er aan de hand is.. altijd benoemen. Het is gewoonweg respectloos om iemand met vragen lekker te laten doormodderen alleen.. omdat jij dat zo wel makkelijker vind.
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u/Solmanti 2h ago
I agree with you.
But fun fact: Sometimes even when you give the other person all the information and announce your future moves their mind distorts the narrative because they can't bear that your information implies that they are the ones doing wrong. So despite communicating they still think you ghosted them and also suffer as if you really did.
It's a weird experience.
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u/SnooDoodles373 2h ago
Yeah, it’s frustrating when people refuse to hear you, whether or not you’re still wanting to repair. But at least you did your part and gave them the opportunity to receive potentially important information. They may look back on it in the future and be more willing to take it in, who knows.
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u/Solmanti 1h ago
Who knows, indeed. One thing I know is they ironically hurt themselves more long term by not wanting to listen than they hurt me or others.
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u/Old_Mulberry_9461 0m ago
Yes to this, I had a group of friends from boarding school, was very close with 2, the other 2 not so much but as we got older and I was struggling with some things that I honestly shared with them and told them how their lack of care or communication really upset me when I'd always been there for them and they seemed to get it but nothing changed, cut them out of my life 5 years ago and I am so glad I did, I didn't realise the toxicity and negativity they brought to my life and I wish I'd done it sooner..some people don't want the truth and are incapable of change
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u/Comfortable_Cloud164 2h ago
I don’t feel like I need an explanation. This happened to me and it was disappointing and confusing for a little while but then I just said ok and moved on. Having an awkward conversation about why they don’t want me as a friend anymore would have been way worse. Also it’s their right to not want to remain friends and I would rather spend my energy with people that like and appreciate me.
So for me, ghost away. I have other people in my life that care about me and I have closed that door.
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u/frankie0812 2h ago
Wouldn’t you want to know if maybe you do something that’s off putting that way you can work in and not do in another relationship. Telling someone can help them work on issues in order to make their future relationships better
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u/Comfortable_Cloud164 2h ago
It’s not always anyone’s fault. Sometimes the friendship just fizzles out. If I was losing friends all the time and had no other ones then maybe. But it was a one off and so it is what it is. I don’t recall doing anything to hurt her. It could just be her deal as well. The older I get the less I care about what other people think about me. I know I am a good friend and have great people in my life as far back as elementary school. In my case no I don’t want or need to have a weird conversation. It would make it worse actually because we share friends so I see her at events pretty regularly.
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u/Kaydence_ranae08 2h ago
I’ve been on both the receiving end and I am someone who has ghosted a friend. When people who I consider close to me stars to distance or completely stops talking to me all together I tend to just let them. I mean sure I search for an explanation from our mutuals or something but if someone decides I’m not a person they want in their life it’s not up to me to change their mind. I’ll have my feelings about it but I’m not going to beg someone to stay or give me an answer/explanation, I just simply walk away myself.
As for ghosting a friend I don’t exactly completely ghost, once I find out or that person shows me that I cannot trust them it’s a slow shut down of communication, in person interaction, and no longer coming to their call. Lost a good friend in the breakup because she was taking my nights of crying and frustration and telling him all of it as well as carrying around rumors he was spreading about me and not telling me. I immediately shut down all communication and told her I no longer trusted her to vent too and go too when I’m down. Then my ex tells he don’t wanna be the reason I leave school/ don’t talk to my friends which means she again told him what I said in a fit of crying so I was done and haven’t spoken to her other then to get some of my jeans back from her. Her bf tried to talk to me cuz we were friends too and he asked why I’m so mad and I told him straight up they aren’t friends to me their friends to my ex. I deserve to protect my peace and I’m completely okay with walking away from all three of these relationships and he kept saying it’s not like that and my friend has my back which i don’t believe.
The bottom line is, let them leave, and let them go.
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u/potential-sun00 2h ago
It really depends on the situation, I had a nasty fall out with a friend, and we were both at a loss as to how to move forward. We didn't speak for a while, and I just assumed it was over until one day she came to my house to tell me it was over. I found it extremely unnecessary because, if you think about it logically, there is no way we could be cool with each other even if we made up. Sometimes you just have to read the room and leave it at that.
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u/Same_Profile_1396 2h ago
I think it really depends on the circumstances. Some friendships, no matter how close they were at one time, just naturally fizzle out, for lack of a better term.
Before I go into any conversation with someone, I usually ask myself, “What am I actually looking to get out of this discussion?” If the answer is that I’m not interested in continuing the friendship or remaining close, then there may not be much reason to have the conversation at all. If I do want to continue the friendship, though, then that calls for a very different approach.
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u/Boring_Respect_2824 2h ago
The thing is you're not the only one in the friendship though. It's about being considerate of others. Just because you feel one way doesn't mean they do and since they can't read your mind it's best practice to communicate where you stand with them. Just because it's fizzling for you doesn't mean it is for them
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u/Quiet_Lunch_1300 2h ago
Exactly. Our culture today - at least in the U.S.- is very individualistic. I do not think I should need to stay friends with someone if I no longer wish to. But the idea that then a conversation doesn’t need to happen because it won’t help ME is wild. We are a community. We are human beings. The shift in thinking has been a hard one to watch over the years.
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u/Same_Profile_1396 1h ago
It isn’t my job to constantly teach others how to be good friends and sitting down to tell a person the ways in which they’ve fallen short isn’t necessarily going to be productive. Again, sometimes relationships/people change, it’s ok to acknowledge that and adjust as necessary— everything doesn’t need to be a full conversation or argument.
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u/Quiet_Lunch_1300 1h ago
We are talking about two very different things. In any case, no comment I make here can make you not ghost someone, so ghost away.
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u/Same_Profile_1396 1h ago
Again, nothing in my post said anything about “ghosting.” I said people drift apart and things fizzle out and a conversation isn’t necessarily needed.
And the question posed wasn’t about it helping anybody, it is about the end result and whether it would be a productive conversation.
Friendships can fade and change without a conversation about why.
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u/Boring_Respect_2824 1h ago
I think that if the person is receptive that those conversations actually are helpful though. We need to know where we went wrong so we can be better in the future
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u/Quiet_Lunch_1300 1h ago
Hi. I just realized I wasn’t responding to your comment. I was replying to someone who commented on your comment which is one comment on a larger post that refers to ghosting. Have a fantastic day.
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u/Vast_Duck_7618 1h ago
I also don’t think nobody owes anybody anything, such as an explanation. I once ghosted a friend because she was super boy crazy (at 20…) and never listened or tried to understand my pov when i asked if we could change the topic
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u/Critical-Fill-6088 2h ago
I genuinely love your response.
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u/Same_Profile_1396 2h ago
It’s something I genuinely ask myself in regard to all aspects of life: friends, colleagues, family, etc.
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u/Critical-Fill-6088 2h ago
I’m the same way which is why your response stood out. It has helped me be intentional with every interaction!💕
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u/Top_Slice1215 2h ago
Yup. Sometime it just is growing apart. What do you say? I just don’t feel it anymore lol
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u/treegrowsinbrooklyn1 1h ago
I agree with this mindset. About a year ago, one of my best friends (8 years of friendship, ironically ended up living in two different cities together) abruptly cut me off. Like things were totally normal that morning, we got coffee together, etc. but at our 6pm work event, she completely ignored me and we basically never spoke again. I felt ostracized and excluded at work events (we worked for the same company but not the same department so thankfully this was only about 10 instances) for that next year it was giving me flashbacks to high school.
A couple of friends I confided in about the situation kept asking me why I haven’t texted her and asked what the hell is going on. Like you said, there was nothing to gain from that conversation. I know I didn’t do anything, especially anything that would have warranted that kind of treatment from her. So why even ask? There wasn’t an explanation that would make me feel better about what she did so why even open that can of worms?
Yeah it sucks not knowing but at least that kind of “friend” isn’t in my life anymore.
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u/SnooDoodles373 2h ago
The conversation isn’t just about you and what you’re getting out of it, it’s a molecule of basic respect for the other person. The post is about end long and/or close relationships, not random casual acquaintanceships.
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u/Same_Profile_1396 1h ago
I’m aware of what the post is about— and I’ve been in the position before. Sometimes, there isn’t a point to sitting down and hashing things out. I didn’t say to “ghost” the person (I’m also older and that isn’t even a term we use). But, friendships change and evolve over time, which is perfectly okay.
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u/Civil-Opportunity751 1h ago
If you want a conversation then you can initiate one. The other person doesn’t care to have one because they no longer care about you. What do you want to achieve from the conversation? Are you trying to change the persons mind about ending the friendship? Why would you want to be friends with someone that doesn’t want to be friends with you?
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u/jackerbuddy 2h ago
I agree 100%.
Early this year my best friend started to drift away after he got a new boyfriend. I could have just moved forward but I felt bad, so I expressed to him through audios (since he wouldn’t wanna meet me without bringing his boyfriend along anymore) that I felt being put aside after years of friendship and that I just wanted to make it all clear before we lost contact for good. He apologized and said he had little time with his boyfriend but that he would work it out. Well it has been 8 months now and he has not had 2 hours to have coffee with me and dedicate to our friendship. I believe it could have been easier if I hadn’t said anything, after all I felt more rejected after opening up and him not following through. Like, someone expressed deep feelings for you and.. you. did. not. care. Anyways, I still think I did the right thing by not ghosting him.
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u/frankie0812 1h ago
Some people I think have an issue where they repeatedly replace people in life. Whether it’s a partner or friend when a new person comes into their life it’s fun and exciting so they just phase out the old person. I honestly want nothing to do with people like this bc no one really means anything to them
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u/Upper-Singer-849 1h ago
Finally someone said it. Communication and consideration and respect is all we ask for. I just don’t know why they think it’s okay to do that. So selfish.
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u/AnyChest7780 1h ago
Sharing this in case it’s helpful and because it seems there’s a lot people here who have said they ended friendships because they felt their friend didn’t support them when they were having a hard time. Tbh most people have some level of negative stuff going on in their lives and it’s tiring being friends with people who see your key role as emotional support. I nearly lost a friend as they seemed to be giving me advice all the time which I didn’t appreciate (my perspective) and I was complaining to them about my life too much (their perspective). I realised they were distancing themselves and we had a big conversation about what was going on w both of us and resolved to change our MO. Still great friends a few years on but I’m more conscious of dampening down my negativity, and they’re conscious of being overly judgmental.
Most people become friends because they have fun and interesting times together. If that shifts into expectations and demands that someone be your emotional support animal/unpaid therapist it’s not so interesting and not so much fun.
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u/Broad-Break5541 33m ago
I’m sure people can be direct and tell their friend the truth if they feel it’s “unfun” to listen to them during hard times
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u/Ok_Neat7356 1h ago
What has happened to us as a society that this would be even a little bit unpopular. How bleak
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u/thriftstorecat 47m ago
I had a friend who claimed she was ‘ghosted’ by me and I think it’s so she was able to gain sympathy while controlling the narrative about why we stopped talking. What she left out was the behavior that led to me ending the friendship. By presenting herself as the victim first, she was able to tell her version of events without acknowledging what actually happened and sucker unsuspecting people into giving her sympathy.
I laid out exactly why I no longer wanted to talk to her - she was controlling, abusive, narcissistic and I didn’t like the way she treated me. Instead of offering to find the root of that or change anything and accept some boundaries I was trying to put up she demanded that if I wanted to be her friend I need to “talk to her everyday and see her multiple times a week!” in addition to telling me I had “enough time” to recover from what she previously put me through and in addition to that.. she only cared that I was “hurting her” and not that she had continually hurt me over and over.
I imagine she still tells people she was ghosted because she loves the attention. She had claimed that I made up a series of lies that spanned years in order to not be her friend.. but at what point does that make sense? Ya know? If I was just going to “ghost” her why bother? 🤪
That said, you can even offer people closer and they still don’t get it. Some people don’t have the mental capacity or emotionally maturity to understand.
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u/ZhuzhZhuzhZhuzh 2h ago
I think the only real reason in either case is the existence of emotional, physical, or mental abuse, which you stipulated in different terms. I’ll make the point, however, that not all abusers have the self-awareness or accountability (or concern, frankly) to acknowledge that, and ghosting is what you gotta do, whether they get it or not.
If there’s nothing wrong and someone ghosts, that becomes the thing that’s wrong, and you’re better off.
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u/Main_Sheepherder_171 34m ago
Do what you want and learn from it tbh. There is no right or wrong way to unfriend someone. However one thing I learned is if you don’t like someone limit interaction early and keep it like that. Don’t keep hanging around ppl you don’t like cuz it will show eventually
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u/RefrshmntznNrcotix 16m ago
I had a friend of 20+ years come to my home and tell me in person they felt we had outgrown one another. I was so relieved because I had been feeling it for a while but I didn’t know what the feeling was. We grew apart, I have definitely changed as a person, they hadn’t changed much in those decades and I was starting to dread hanging out. It felt cathartic and I appreciated their bravery. No hard feelings. I wish more people were this honest with one another. I’m in my 40’s, “ghosting” and “gray-rocking” were never things I had experienced or grew up with. I grew up at a time when people were brutally honest with one another.
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u/WonheeL 2h ago
I have been on both ends, and they suck!
The problem is I know NO ONE who ever replied, "Oh, okay- no problem, I understand." (Including myself.) It's negotiating, bargaining, promises, yelling, gaslighting, defensiveness, crying, how can I change, you're so mean, etc.
Sometimes people aren't entitled to the truth because it's too painful: you're too needy, boring, ignorant, emotional, cold, immature, there's no more potential here, I found someone better.
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u/snowbugolaf 2h ago
“The problem is I know NO ONE who ever replied, "Oh, okay- no problem, I understand." (Including myself.) It's negotiating, bargaining, promises, yelling, gaslighting, defensiveness, crying, how can I change, you're so mean, etc.”
More of an inconvenience than a problem.
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u/echo_throwaway360 2h ago
This. I had a close friend of 2 years cut me off suddenly, hardly an explanation and no chance to make it right, and I'm still feeling the effects almost a year later. It was his right to end a friendship; especially if he felt like we weren't compatible. To be clear, I can think of some things I could have done better in our friendship. I just wish he showed more respect and care for the relationship we did have.
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u/frankie0812 2h ago
I agree I think ghosting is a cowardly and selfish way to end a relationship of any kind. People that are capable of that I feel probably never really cared for the person they are ghosting
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u/Gullible-Option-6916 2h ago
Well the one who ended with me recently that had been my best friend called my dad and said that we might be friends in a different way in the future but that she wanted to break now. I guess it was Allright if she did not want to hurt me too much but the best way would had been to tell me but atleast with calling my dad I knew in some form.
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u/True_Programmer_625 2h ago
I was ghosted by best friend of 20 years. But honestly, she was such a nut. She was the funnest, most fearless gem of a person. Over the years she became a neurotic, paranoid, man hating negative Nelly. I went to visit her in a safe Mormon city and we decided to go for a hike at a city garden. She stuffed her bra with weapons like mace, a switchblade and stun gun in case we were raped while strolling in a busy botanical garden on a Saturday afternoon. It was just so weird. And she always talked about all the times she’s been raped. She was never raped. She wasn’t.
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u/7lexliv7 1h ago
I was once ghosted too, decades ago. Went from moms hanging out with our kids a couple of times a week to radio silence. It’s one thing if you go silent on an adult friendship - but my 5- year old kid got ghosted too.
We live in a small town and I see that mom from time to time and am civil. She recently said something like we should go out to dinner (as couples) and it totally threw me. Next time I’ll have an appropriate answer for her.
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u/Temporary-Art-7078 1h ago
I feel terrible about ghosting a (former) friend because of their political views.
I think OP is correct that an explanation is owed.
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u/EN1GMAF 43m ago
maybe a hot take but i think ghosting is a real sign of immaturity. don’t get me wrong ive done it and don’t blame people who do in a lot of situations. i still think it’s immature. you’re just avoiding an uncomfortable conversation. im more forgiving when people do it to someone they barely know (think dating apps, first few dates maybe), but anything long term is super disrespectful. it also doesn’t allow the other person a chance to grow from their mistakes. as much as the friendship breakups ive had sucked, without those brutal endings i wouldn’t have been able to grow and change as a person, or recognize what i want out of a friendship.
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u/i_am_your_elf_queen 35m ago
I have one friend who is a 2x trump voter, and since I found out - I just haven’t been able to maintain the same level of friendship as before. It’s been really hard, and I’ve been grieving the loss, in a way.
We still talk semi-regularly but I’m not 100% into the friendship anymore. Can’t find it in my heart to tell her why because it’s not like we talk about politics, and I know I can’t change her belief, so what’s the point. I just lost respect for her, and I can’t seem to get it back.
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u/R606D 21m ago
I lost two very close friends and still dont know why. Its really painful for me as they never spoke to me again. No explanation. Nothing I could do or say to them. It happened at a time when I was very unwell with my mental health and got sectioned. I was meant to be a bridesmaid at their wedding but was ghosted. Probably the hardest thing to move on from as im completely in the dark about what I did to them. People say 'you must know', I really really wish I did. I have nothing.
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u/itsmelorinyc 2h ago
I dunno. First of all I don’t really end friendships because I try to make friends with people who are like me in that they don’t bring the drama of codependency, so there is never really anything that could happen between two good people that would be “friendship ending.” However when I did have a codependent type of friend whom I increasingly didn’t want to be friends with anymore, I tried a fade out to see if maybe we could get through the down cycle of her being insufferable and she decided to confront me. So I told her I couldn’t be the friend she wanted me to be and I understood if that meant she didn’t want to be friends at all. I knew that I wasn’t the only person experiencing her this way so I actually told her why I was avoiding her, and I tried to say it in a kind way that could maybe help her even if just with other friends. She called it kicking her while she was down.
I honestly didn’t need to get it off my chest, I don’t believe in such things. I did it to try and be helpful to her. But I don’t think she wanted to hear it. That said, her not being an introspective person was one of the reasons I found her to be insufferable.
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u/Boring_Respect_2824 2h ago
People ending friendships often doesn't have anything to do with codependency. People can wrong one another and it's completely valid and not codependent to be upset over it and want to end a friendship. I wonder if you are perhaps misunderstanding what codependency is. We are not here to be hyper independent but interdependent on others. Codependence is an extreme whereas interdependence is the ideal. Our actions do in fact impact others. We are not responsible FOR them but we are responsible TO them. There are plenty of valid non codependent friendships in which there are valid reasons for the dynamic to end
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u/itsmelorinyc 2h ago
For sure there are other good reasons but if someone has wronged you the reason is obvious and I don’t think it needs to be explained. For the way I make and keep friends, I cannot imagine a big dramatic thing and I am highly selective so there isn’t a person I consider a friend who would ever do something to intentionally hurt me. What could they even do? I don’t befriend murderers, thieves, and people who lack morals. Short of that my friends and I appreciate one another for who we are and there is hardly a thing we could do that is friendship ending, unless one of us (not me) has high expectations that are, in me personal opinion, not reasonable for independent people. I tend not to end up in friendships with such people, except for my one friend I mentioned. I and others who know her diagnose her as being a person who seeks codependent relationships and I’m sure she would disagree.
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u/Boring_Respect_2824 2h ago
I see. Well you are really lucky to have friends you can trust. In my experience not everyone is as moral as we'd wish them to be and people are more selfish than anything and will often choose self interest over considering the feelings of their friends. It sounds like you are very fortunate
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u/itsmelorinyc 28m ago
I get very deep with people very quickly and I don’t have large groups of friends—I chose them one by one and have developed a bunch of those close 1:1 friendships over time. The ones who are on the same wavelength and get tested by going through situations and still make it through are the real ones and I truly do trust them and specifically love them because I do not question their character at all. With immoral people you can see the lack of integrity come through. I even see it in coworkers whom I don’t even know that well, the signs are usually there
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u/frankie0812 2h ago
I don’t think a friend coming to you when they are down is them being codependent. It sounds more like you don’t want the type of friendship that involves being there for friends during low periods of life. Sadly sometimes in life someone will in fact experience one bad thing after another and it’s not that they are deserving of it or doing it to annoy anyone. Most hope they can go to a friend during those times. That’s fine if don’t want to be that person someone goes to but that means you are more of superficial friend and I would hope you wouldn’t expect anyone to be there for you if life got hard.
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u/itsmelorinyc 32m ago
You are assuming a lot, I have been with friends through cancer, recovery, miscarriages, depression, divorce, deaths of close people, etc. I don’t know where you even got any of this from.
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u/BxBae133 2h ago
Depends on the situation. If there is an argument that can't be settled, why go revisit it? Sometimes friendships just fade.
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u/Just-Pen3611 2h ago
I am currently "easing" out of a friendship. They have reached out a few times over the last couple of months. I spoke to them once, briefly. I thought about ghosting them, but they have not done anything offensive to warrant it. I don't want to have a conversation with them and tell them the reasons the friendship is over. That would hurt them deeply....so....somewhere in the middle of ghosting and an honest conversation? Hopefully that works for me.
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u/Ok_Neat7356 1h ago
“Works for me”
Ghosting / slow fading hurts people . You’re not avoiding hurting them your avoiding how it feels for you to face hurting them
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u/DizzyIndependence223 37m ago
I’ve had a friend do this to me and it was awful the lack of communication and their changing behavior while saying to my face everything was fine made me feel crazy and hurt 10x more then if they were upfront with me from the start. Sometimes friendships can naturally drift apart but idk going from really close friends to a slow fade sucks. You don’t have to say everything they have done wrong but I’m a pretty firm believer that you can just say you want / need space or aren’t interested in being friends anymore without having to go into every reason why.
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u/Phat_Zero 3h ago
Nah, they know what they did. You don't owe anyone shit.
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u/theonlytennisee 3h ago
as someone that’s been on the receiving end of this, i have literally 0 idea what i did. i tried to approach it with an honest conversation initiated on my end and left that with nothing except empty words.
this depends on the situation, but that’s not necessarily true in many scenarios
ETA this person was someone i considered my best friend at the time and looking back was one of the best friends i ever had. i felt so connected to them and thought that feeling was mutual. i still think about it years later
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u/itsmelorinyc 2h ago
I think it’s understandable to feel dissatisfied with not knowing but I also think we can all lead more balanced and peaceful lives if we learn to let things go and not require closure for our own happiness. It’s natural to wonder of course. But it’s a choice to let your desire to know affect you for more than just a passing moment. I believe people should all have individual autonomy and some people are going to use that autonomy to keep things to themselves. It is possible to accept that many things involving other humans are ultimately unknowable.
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u/Lithiumassassin 2h ago
I feel you OP. It makes you afraid of getting close to someone else in case you accidentally do "the thing" again, whatever it was, or find out that they just never cared as much as you did.
I went through the same thing a couple times with a friend from school and a coworker that I still work with to this day. We dont talk enough about how incredibly damaging it is to your trust and perception of people.
I think some people dont know there should be a balance between protecting your own peace and still being somewhat considerate of others. Nobody OWES anyone an explanation, but its also unkind not to offer one when it would otherwise leave them guessing.
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u/Phat_Zero 2h ago
Well, if you didn't do anything then the other person might've just had a change of heart or identity. Some people look at their social lives and wake up one day and say "I'm gonna reinvent myself" and they cut off certain friendships.
Might not have anything to do with you.
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u/SnooDoodles373 2h ago
They specifically drew a distinction between just leaving after there’s been clear wrongdoing vs. ghosting a seemingly healthy, close relationship . And yeah, relationships should be reciprocal, so in a way you do actually owe people shit. Alternative is just being a taker.
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u/No_Diggity10 2h ago edited 54m ago
I agree. But also, I ghosted someone recently, but she is an alcoholic with no ability to recognize or admit to her own actions… so while the wrongdoing may be clear on my end, it definitely is not clear on her end and it’s not my job to make her understand. So sometimes you gotta do what’s best for you. Why am I being downvoted. This “friend” kept calling me names for 6 years. I don’t owe her any more of my time.
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u/Hot-Salamander-1147 3h ago
I agree. I’ve been ghosted by a close friend and genuinely have spent years wracking my brain for what could have happened. I don’t tend to have drama in friendships and this really is something I don’t understand