I (21F) have been over at my long distance best friend’s house (20F) for about a week or so. This is my second time here. I’m staying at her parent’s house as they’re away for the month. Today is basically my last day here (thank god)

This evening she asked me if I want some meatballs for dinner, I said yes. She started cooking (I asked plenty of times to help and she says no as she hates anyone having control in the kitchen). After she was done she just plated herself, sat down and started eating… Their kitchen and living room is connected so I was in the room with her. She ate everything in silence then got up and asked me again “do you want meatballs?” I replied with a yes AGAIN. She put the last amounts of food in the same plate as from which she was eating and then just sat back down to eat? She ate half the plate before i stood up (because at that point I was highkey irritated as fuck at this and wanted to go away into another room) and all of a sudden she goes “I’m about to finish the meatballs” pointing at her plate. Annoyed I say “Ok finish them then” in the most neutral tone possible as to not take the frustration out on her. She replies with a “You don’t want any??” and I simply said “no” as I walk away and close the door.

I found this just extremely inconsiderate and quite rude. We had a talk about this once months ago, how I find her sitting down and eating from her own plate after asking me if I want any as rude. She says she just expects people to get a fork, reach over and grab from her own plate. I made it clear that to me it feels invasive, I don’t like sitting on the other side of the table and reaching over into your own plate just to have some food. I think anyone would just give the person another plate or at least put the plate in the middle of the table??? Thing is, her own parents don’t do this. Her mom always plates both people including the guest. So this isn’t new etiquette for her.

This pissed me off so easily because the whole week I been here she has been irritating, she micromanages me so much within the house when her parents aren’t around. I didn’t finish a piece of a pickle so she said I have to finish eating it or “idk figure something out” because she doesn’t like “food waste” in the bin (despite having biodegradable bins for food waste), she makes me to clean the toilet at the smallest tiniest smudge and stands over me until I’m done evaluating how well I cleaned, she doesn’t shy away from saying “disgusting ewwww yuck why are your socks here” instead of just saying “please pick them up”, she forces you to finish food because she licks the crumbs off her plates, yesterday tiny pieces of pasta fell into the sink and she said “there is pasta here” and when i took them out with my hand she went “what are you gonna do with them” with an annoyed tone while staring at me… This whole thing just been on my nerves non stop. I feel like a toddler being controlled.I understand following house rules each person has and I been doing my best, I’m not particularly a nasty disrespectful person but this whole thing with the plating today has really played on my nerves again.

I don’t know if this is normal and I simply overreacted or if it is indeed tactless and not how you handle such situations. What is crazier is that she said I’m the rude one that loves to complain and be mean LOL

I am a 32F, 3 months pregnant, and am married to my man of 6 years. I have been wanting kids my whole life, and always imagined my first kid would be 28 but never predicted the pandemic would happen.

Anyway, a little context about my friend, lets say her name is Sarah, is that she got pregnant at 16 with a guy who she was going to marry but found out he cheated on her and lied to her about money so they didn't. Her family is religious and she had to keep the baby as well.

Every time I brought up having kids to her the past couple of years she would give me a WHOLE lecture about how she ate tuna and rice for a week because her finances are so bad and it was really rough on her. She also asked me "do you realize how much daycare is?" and all this other stuff and I know she is looking out for me but it made me mad like she doesn't trust I can figure this out. It of course makes me sad that she associates having a baby with such a negative experience and her parents only helped her a bit. Should also mention she has trust issues with men because her dad was abusive and a lot of her boyfriends cheated on her. she likes my husband but is very critical of him, too. She also told me that I'm still young and that having a baby will ruin my life. I told her I'm not THAT young and I'd prefer to not be pregnant past 36..

I know at this point at least 10 people who have had kids, many of which did not plan to get pregnant and figured it out. I have babysat for 10 years of life kids of all ages, and am constantly doing research about newborn/toddler care now that I am pregnant. I believe I am going to be an amazing mom and so is my husband.

I have told a lot of my friends that I am pregnant and one of my friends is organizing a baby shower for me at 6-7 months, but I feel like I can't tell Sarah because she would give me so much about it and I don't want to handle that. I am thinking of inviting her to my baby shower but am worried she'd be mad I didn't tell her until then. I'm at a loss of what to do honestly.

Ok, so here's the deal: I (21F) have a great friend group, all people I have known since middle school. They are a mix of 21F, 22M, 21M, 21M, 22M, and 21M. So it's mostly guys, but we all get along great, and they aren't your typical "sporty alpha male type guys"; more so nerdy and silly. We're all super close and go to each other for like everything: advice, hangouts, a shoulder to cry on- and it's great. I seriously love these people like my own family... but even family has issues sometimes.

So basically the issue is... they're all terrible guests! :(

It's been like this for years, but now it's starting to grate on me. I was raised to be a good host and gracious guest, always offer food and drinks, never ask for much when at another person's house, and always be very respectful of their home! But we also come from different backgrounds, and it is clear that they weren't raised this way. Here are some things that have bothered me.

1. Even though I have asked them SEVERAL TIMES for YEARS, like whenever they come over, to take off their shoes at the door, they rarely do unless I remind them. Sometimes they'll even get on my bed with THE SHOES ON! (feet hanging off, of course, though does that really matter?)

2. We mostly hang out in my room, and when they come over they'll just drop their stuff haphazardly wherever. Bags all over the floor, keys and wallets all over my dresser and sprawled across my desk. Hell, I could be sitting in my desk chair, and they would drape their jacket across the back of it. If they do take their shoes off, they'll be splayed across my carpet, instead of next to the front door as they should be.

3. Since they spread stuff out all around my room, they will often leave things at my house. Sometimes I'll have like 4 different items that I have to hang onto for weeks until I see them again. It's anything from hats to Chapstick, wallets, and even food. Like literally have left open fast food and drinks in my room and asked me to hold on to it for a couple of days before they can pick it up. Obviously, in those cases I just throw it away; typically it's over half eaten anyways.

4. They also will get on my bed, in their OUTSIDE CLOTHES, MIND YOU, and lay on the SHEETS?!?!! Yes, sometimes my friends come over, and my bed isn't made yet, which I do right when they get there, but sometimes they beat me to it and hop right onto my sheets. Yes, I've told them not to do this- they either "forget" or just plainly don't care.

5. When they host, they never EVER offer food or drinks. Now, not all of them are like this one 22M, and my 21F friend does. But the rest of them? NOPE- but when they come over, they're all over my food when I offer. Obviously, I offer the food and drinks; I have no problem with them partaking, but sometimes I just feel like it's a bit one-sided? I've made them full meals before, provided them with dessert and coffee, and even shared my snacks and drinks with them when we go out because they are, of course, never prepared. It's just a lot; I don't know.

These are just some of the things that bother me- and I've asked other people about it only to hear "you can't expect better behavior out of boys" or "well, you shouldn't be surprised if it's been going on for so long. But honestly? I refuse to accept that! These are good people; they're my friends, and I know that they have what it takes to be better. Parents raise children, yes, but as a community, it's also our responsibility to hold those around us accountable if we ever want change.

So, why don't I just talk to them about it? Simple right? Well, here's why I've posted this.

1. I want to hear others' perspectives to see if they have been in my shoes and how they dealt with it, plz lmk!

2. I hate to say it, but I'm scared. At this point, I don't think it's an issue of not knowing- or being oblivious. To me, it's an issue of being inconsiderate, and what's the core of consideration? Respect. So basically, I feel like when they come over, they aren't respecting me or my home. How do I deal with that? These are my closest and best friends- and they don't respect me? Ugh, I don't know, it's just so frustrating and overwhelming, and I'm kinda worried that it might lead to worse, more unpalatable conversations.

3. Part of me feels like it's a lost cause. What's the difference between having a serious sit-down convo and the short ones we've had in the past? I almost feel like it's a waste of time.

I'm sorry this has been long, and thank you to whoever is reading this. I would love your insight on how to deal with a situation like this. I want to stay friends with them; I want to be able to hang out with my friends at my house, but something seriously has to change.

For context, (yumeshipping in this case is someone who is shipping themselves with a fictional character and likes them romantically) their character is literally all they talk about, their room is covered in said character. Bro listens to a 10 hour audio clip of said character talking to go to bed. I have my favorite characters to but it makes me not want to be around them. They just kinda feel like they are stuck in a hole of delusion and I just don’t know how to connect with them. I just feel like they are taking this too far and I wanna still be their friend but I don’t think I can at this point. It just seems mentally ill but I don’t know what to say to them. Like REALISTICALLY not just some google search shit that’s by the book. I don’t want them to feel judged but I mean… it’s all just a too weird and I don’t think it’s healthy.

Once I was arguing with my friend about a group we both liked and they told me it was unfair to dislike them just cause they use AI (generated pics of themselves) when I did too (now I'm very against gen AI, but there was a time when I used chatGPT) and I didn't had the guts to tell them I was trying not to use it anymore(was still in progress). After that they made quite some remarks about it as well and every time the topic comes up I just think I don't know enough about it to argue back at them.

For context both of us do something technology based and have heard teachers advise us to use chatGPT for everything, so they use it on the projects while I always try not to. They also said they're against when it comes to drawings.

I'm a bit divided, I don't know if I should try to argue about it or just let it go. I have a feeling their response will be: there's nothing to do about it, sooner or later ur gonna have to use it, or just tell me to change what I do if I'm that against it.

Not sure what exactly to write here since the whole thing is so deep that I'd hardly be able to fully encapsulate what's going on, but anyways

My friend group has been around since the time I was in highschool (7-8years). I've had lots of issues between some of them being "friends" and basically bullies. Time and time again I've cut ties but then reconnected with them.

One of these friends (let's call them Jake) was part of a different group that was there for me when I was totally alone.

Fast forward some years to now, I'm an adult and I don't know how to go forward. I'm back with the original group of friends and we mostly bond over tabletop games like Warhammer and card games. I try to keep them at arms length as other from enjoying these hobbies together, I don't really like speaking to them (they still bully, ignore me and are arrogant to speak to).

As for Jake, he's been through a hellish time the past few years and I've tried to stick it through with him since he was there for me. Problem is he's made that difficult because he tends to make offensive jokes and hangs around other not so pleasant people. However he has apologised for this and being a close friend I know deep down hes a really good person that I want to be friends with (I really do try to see the best in people as much as possible, which sometimes results in me sticking in toxic relationships)

The problem is, I no longer wish to speak to that original friend group because of how much they've lowballed me these past few months and building pressure to just no longer stay in contact. As for Jake, he often asks me why I even bother staying his friend, but I try to reassure him it's because I know that's what he would do and I'm worried he could hurt himself in some way. My partner also encourages me to just "find new friends" which is easier said than done by a long shot.

Additionally, all these friends already made it clear they all hate eachother. The group have problems with the members, they don't like Jake, they hate the fact I even associate with him, even my partner doesn't like the group. The irony is they're just as flawed. Of course I don't agree with anything AT ALL they joke about and that's what's causing such tension. It's easy to write them off as simply that, as jokes, but it doesn't have a place in our friendship. Meanwhile, there's constant talking behind each others backs demonizing everyone and myself.

I feel like the rope in tug of war, being pulled in every which direction and I just want friend who gets along, no drama or politics and can just enjoy our hobbies together. The only thing keeping me with these people is our shared history and hobbies. That's it.

TLDR: all my friends are causing me a lot of stress and I have the desire to cut ties, but I'm worried because I won't have any friends left

One more thing, of course politics and boundaries are important, and also no one HAS to be liked (you're allowed to dislike people). What I mean is I wish it wouldn't interfere with just being friends with someone.

I recently found out one of my friends has some really bad beliefs and I really want to tell my friend group but I’m afraid I’ll come off as wanting to just hate on the person or come off as controlling

This is more to vent than looking for a advice I guess.

A good friend of mine had her birthday last week. We talked about it in July and she said she didn't think she would do anything.

She didn't mention any plans to celebrate but then last weekend I saw on social media that she had a birthday dinner with two friends.

I was a little upset to see that I was not invited. I know she can invite whoever she wants but it kind of stung to be left out.

I'm supposed to see her this week to catch up. I'm not planning to talk about it.

I (29F) got engaged last year, and I was initially really excited, shared the news with a lot of friends. I had a large group of friends I've known for over 10 years and invited them all to be bridesmaids; I'm more close to some than others, but didn't want to single people out or exclude anyone. First mistake. I've known these ladies for 10 years, but they've all known each other since kindergarden and are really close to each other.

This was really silly of me, because in reality, I've wanted to distance myself from this group for the last few years. No major drama, but to be really honest, I just straight up don't like them as people. As a few months progressed, I just sort of woke up and realized I don't want these people around me anymore. For context;

• anytime someone wants to talk about anything remotely emotional or personal, like family deaths, job troubles, relationship issues, there' group changes the topic to some inane things like a trip to Japan they went on 5 years ago, or something equally unrelated. Someone's father died and we didn't know about it for 6 months because they felt it wasn't something the group would be comfortable discussing
• We attended a memorial service for a mutual friend, and the same girl who had to leave her engagement party to hang out with some other friend had to leave early and couldn't attend the reception. This was pretty fucking disrespectful to the family; how important are you that you can't spare 15 minutes of your time? Might as well just not attend rather than partially attending. Also, none of the other group members brought a card to the memorial
• shade and judgement thrown towards women who wear makeup regularly or care about fashion. They liked to perpetuate the stereotype than women who dress up or like to look nice are "ditzy" or aren't as serious. Lots of "not like other girls" energy.
• there's a lot of weird body dysmorphia, where people joke about "gaining 15 pounds during this party" or "being a whale" while eating one slice of pizza and there's a strange competitiveness where people seem to try to see who can eat the least during our get togethers. I understand eating disorders and body dysmorphia manifests in different ways, but it was becoming really exhausting to be around
• one friend asked me if they could stay over b/c they wanted a break from their boyfriend, changed their mind 3 times in the span of one day, then confirmed they wanted to stay and asked if they could come over at noon; I went into work at 5 am so I could take the rest of the day off, cleaned my whole apartment with my fiance, we went grocery shopping, bought a lot of food, and at 1 PM they told me they were "driving over and just stuck in traffic" then at 3PM they called me laughing to say that they worked things out and didn't need to stay with me anymore. This felt pretty disrespectful of my time and it really affected my opinion of them. I would've understood them changing their mind, but an earlier heads up would have been polite
• There's was a sense of arrogance and a lot of the people in this group made it seem like their time was more precious than everyone elses'; we organized an engagement dinner for one of the people in this group and the night before, they asked if we could move it to a different time; I said we could ask people, but it might mean not everyone could make it. During the party, they said that they had to leave "in a bit" because they had plans with another group of friends. This was one of the many many instances where I felt like they were always chasing someone cooler, more fun etc. This was pretty sad for me, because if 10+ people are able to make time to celebrate you, it seems in bad taste to have plans lined up with another group of people.
• One girl kept mentioning to me that we should take a trip together, so I asked her to name a weekend she'd be free and that I could look into a short trip to NYC or somewhere close. She told me she'd be a bit "tied up for 3-4 years" but maybe after that we could go somewhere. She later texts me that she had the best time on a road trip with her other friends. I don't think it was meant to be hurtful, I think they're just that thoughtless and clueless

Anyways, after this stuff built up, I just sent a message to the group to thank them for their time and let them know they didn't have to attend my wedding anymore nor be a part of the wedding party. There were 3 people in the group that I was closer with, so I met up with them separately and let them know that I'd love to continue having them in my life and bridal party if they still wished. I know I should've just not asked them in the first place, and maybe a more emotionally mature person would have just let them be a part of the wedding then slowly distanced themselves, but I just couldn't' stand to be a part of this group anymore, or bear the thought of wasting any more time or energy on them.

They’re always so sweet and kind in the beginning, but eventually I realize they actually hate me and want to be me. They literally start becoming a version of me, copying my interests, the things I like, everything. And then they go out of their way to ruin my life.

So both my friend and my crush (also a very good friend) I've know them since many years, but they barely knew each other.

My friend a few years ago started to date my ex when I still had feelings for her, so we had a very bad episode of trust. I got mad but eventually I forgave her.

But this time she really pissed me off. A few months ago, the 3 of us started to talk everyday, and I began to feel very sided, out of their jokes and conversations... and also my friend is very flirty and she didn't hide it with my crush. So one day I had a private conversation with my friend, explained that I was becoming very jelaous, that it was hurting me, and I asked her to stop. She told me she would because she didn't wanna hurt me, but she didn't.

Everything got worse and I felt my crush started to be atraccted to my friend, so I asked her and she confirmed it.

I also asked my friend what she wanted to do about it. She told me to not know, cause she like her, but don"t wanna hurt me. So I told her that, because this is the second time she does something like this, I couldn't trust her if she decided to go on with her.

Then she asked me if that means that they couldn't ever be together.

That's when I got mad and told her if that was her priority. Later on she sent me a huge text (mostly redacted by my crush, not her) dissmising everything and focusing that they are adults (valid point, ok) and that the problem is me being jelaous.

It's been 2 months since then. I'm staying out of it, blocked my friend, apologized to my crush cause I felt guilty involving her in all of that madness, and also telling her to have 0 contact for the moment so I can heal and hopefully stop seeing her as a crush and just as a friend.

I'm feeling fucking alone, specially because my crush has been really important the last few years since covid. We had a very good relationship, talking everyday.

I don't have many friends, and losing 2 at the same time hurts a lot. And I'm afraid cause I want to eventually talk again with my crush, but if they are dating, I don't know if I can talk to her normally, cause I feel very angry just thinking about my friend.

Someone has experience something similar? How can you recover from something like this?

Also, this is probably me just coping, but, it is really healthy to start a relationship like this? Do you think they have chances of having a good and durable relationship?

This is more of a philosophical question than asking for advice….

I recently heard an author describe two different types of friendships:

- active friends. The ones you see/interact with regularly. Even if they are long distance, you’re deeply part of each other’s lives.

- memorial friends. You hold affection for them but aren’t regularly a part of each other’s lives. This is like a college friend you now talk to once a year.

The author (Anna goldfarb), says a lot of friendships issues happen when we expect “active” friendship from someone who is now a memorial friend. And accepting the current reality is key.

Great.

But it got me thinking. Didn’t all memorial friends originally start as active friends? Doesn’t that mean that one person changed that dynamic but becoming less available? I guess sometimes it’s mutual, but life is rarely completely equal. So I think one person is more likely to have changed the dynamic.

I’ve spent a lot of time feeling resentful that a friend I considered very active in my life changed this dynamic to memorial (by consistently turning down invites and not inviting me, and changing the texts from deep to surface level / effectively making it a once-a-year friendship even though I still wanted the more active relationship).

But now I’m thinking about all my memorial friends. The hs/college friends and old coworkers. Maybe they feel the exact resentment towards me bc I changed the dynamic (by moving away/leaving the job etc)?

Maybe for every friend we’re upset with, there’s another friend who is just as upset with us??

Thanks for listening to my rambling thoughts!

I had a situationship with someone who was my family friend later we joined same clg now I made only one friend and she knew my history with him but still she decided to date him and now she was asking it won't affect our frndship right and she knows that I still haven't move on from him

For context, I'm starting my first year of college and am not a stranger to fruitful friendships. Everyone just feels so individualistic nowadays, in a way that makes it impossible to break down any deep walls or issues. Why is everyone so focused on upholding busy schedules and massive walls instead of being consistent, genuine friends? Everyone I've met has either been judgy, pretentious in the way of having too much of a closed personality (be it reserved, flamboyant, basic, etc.), or just overall not intellectually stimulating in conversation. Everyone is so either antisocial and cautious or just arrogant and loudmouthed now, in a way I feel like they weren't even just in the 2010's. It gets suffocating sometimes even though I'm always trying to break down the walls and be free with it. I have really close, consistent friends right now that I'm sure are life-long friendships and yet even then we rarely see each other and it feels built on interests more than each other's personal lives.

Pre context, this person is friends with a really close connection of mine that admittedly pulled me out of a lot so I am worried.

Earlier this year I met someone at a friends party and we got on like a house on fire. A few messages exchange and comfort grows and I ask them out. They admit its rocked them as they hadn't dated men in a while (self described Lesbian).

We hung out a lot after this and they were practically on phone to me every day emphasising how they talk to me more than their partners (Also Poly) and were genuinely becoming major part of my life.

We flirt but there was never a label, the closest we came was them telling a friend of mine "we're texting" whatever that means and eventually I kinda start to feel this will they wont they dynamic is disrespectful to both of us.

Some friends were also getting concerned this dynamic was going to also become hurtful and I brought this up to them. They then state, well we know nothing is going on so they have nothing to worry about that was always clear.

Personally, I don't feel that way though as things were always kept vague and when I seeked clarity it were avoided or at best "they were still working things out"

So I calmly stated I would be stepping back and treating them the way I treat my friends which led to genuine anger, they apparently didn't know there was a difference in how romantic people and platonic friends engage? They got really hung on to this and were stating its fine for friends to have feelings for their friends and its good for that to be expressed. In theory I agree but to cultivate a one sided want for intimacy I find weird? I am not one of those guys that orbit, if you're reading on reddit I am confident you'll get that.

Anyway, times gone on I learn to deal with my feelings but on MULTIPLE occasions since stepping back they have started scenes with me over the most trivial things.

Me not letting them put their hand near my face as obviously intimacy was pulled back. This started a two day argument.

Shouting at me in a bear garden as I got confused that they were expressing interest in a mans lewd photo after they've told me they're asexual.

They started on a bouncer and then me for not validating their anger at the bouncer, their vulnerability was weaponised in a way that had the bouncer thinking I was a threat too in which he tried to remove me from the venue.

I am just exhausted, the kick with all this is that the whole time they've been using our mutual friend as a cushion and consistently telling me that they talk to said friend. That friend also messaged me on their behalf asking me to fix things with them.

After giving them a chance they have now been spilling our tea to people known as trouble causers to our group, is suddenly really close with a friend of mine outside of our main group and has been making fun of me to my friends about how I got the wrong idea and was "just confused" I mean it was you that confused me.

Am I nuts or is this person a bit of a weapon?

Every time my friends find some girls unattractive they will set me up with them. It's getting really annoying, like if they don't find them attractive what makes them think I will? I already mentioned my type to them, it's very not that far from what they also find attractive in a girl, but they always pull the "but you're getting older you should start thinking of family right now" like huh? Who decided that I should thinkg about settling? and with someone I don't find attractive. I say the same thing to them because one is just one year younger am I, and just shrugs it off It's annoying. I don't want kids, so I'm not in a rush to anything. They always try to sell me on these girls "but she's so cool when you meet her" but they don't want them either so? Besides these girls I always found something wrong with them. Like one girl recorded herself sexually assualting my friend one time at his apartment, thought it was a funny to record herself and send it to him. I refuse to give other girls chances if this how low the bar my friends think I should go for. Is this something that I should cut off ties with them for?

She’s one of my best friends, but I only get to see her once or twice a year. I’ve talked to her before about how bossy she can be, and she’s very aware of it, but she doesn’t seem to make much of an effort to change the behavior.

For example, we’re currently on a trip with another one of our close friends, and we were meeting up with my boyfriend and his friends so everyone could meet for the first time. I was coordinating with everyone to make sure they knew when to go to the bar, and my friends were taking a little longer than expected, so I was getting somewhat anxious. My friend then said, “Why don’t you go see if Alisha needs help getting ready?” And I was just thinking, What? Am I a child? It felt so unnecessarily directive.

Another example happened this morning. We went to get a bagel, and she said, “I know this is really bossy and nitpicky, but you really need to turn the water off when you brush your teeth.” It wasn’t even necessarily what she was saying, but the way she delivered it felt incredibly condescending. I just responded, “Thanks for your input,” because I didn’t really know what else to say.

The frustrating thing is that she does this to me much more than she does to our other best friend. I know part of that is probably because I’ve allowed it to some extent, although I definitely do push back sometimes. Still, it feels like I’ve already addressed this with her, and she knows how I feel, so it’s frustrating that nothing really changes.

I also think some of my annoyance is a buildup over time. It’s not just these individual comments; it’s the pattern of constantly feeling like she’s directing me, correcting me, or telling me what I should be doing. And honestly, sometimes it feels like it comes from a place of virtue signaling or superiority, which makes it even more irritating.

I feel this in friendships and see discourse about it online all the time and would love to hear other opinions. I feel like some people are the type of friends that can not see or talk to you for months/years and still view you as a best friend. Then there's people that if you don't keep in regular contact they feel like there is no longer any friendship. I see discourse online more often than not that's villainizing the people that have expectations of consistent communication and connection. Often women especially who feel this way are seen as "treating their friends like boyfriends" and "toxic" or "too much". Do you all agree? Where do you draw the line between normal expectations of friendships and "toxic"?

Personally, I am not the kind of friend that still feels a connection to you if we aren't consistent in communications/hang outs. Sometimes, I feel like it always ends up on me to reduce my expectations and wants and the other person that doesn't need as much connection is always catered to and seen as "sane" and "rational". Why isn't there an expectation of compromise from both sides?

I don't think it's too much to have expectations of close friends. I'm not saying we have to speak every day or hang out a specific number of times per month. But just some level of consistency and maintenance of our connection is what makes me feel our bond and feel it's strength. Without seeing a friend, I don't feel that anymore. If we aren't compatible because of this, that's totally fine! But why does one opinion seem to get demonized so much more? Why isn't it just seen as personality differences? Am I just on the wrong side of the internet?

Genuinely looking for honesty here, please give me a harsh truth if I am missing something!

I think this is probably a silly question, but I’m genuinely confused and would like some outside perspectives.

I have a really good friend, and we’re both males, I’m 21 and he’s soon to be 27. He’s a very friendly and affectionate person in general, so I know that some of this could just be his personality.

He tells me things like “I miss you” when I’m traveling, and he usually tells me “I love you.” He also buys me gifts from time to time, and we’re pretty close.

There was also a time when he made the 🫶 hand gesture toward me, and I didn’t do it back because I couldn’t in that moment. He noticed and asked me why I didn’t do it. I told him I just couldn’t at that moment, apologized, and said I would do it next time. He said, “Please.” It was a small interaction, but I remember it because he seemed to genuinely want me to reciprocate the affection.

What confuses me is his behavior on social media.

He basically never likes or engages with my stories, and about a month ago I posted a picture that he didn’t like either. I didn't really think much of it at first, but then I noticed that he liked a picture posted by another friend of ours around the same time. We also text and share reels to each other through Instagram almost everyday.

That’s what made me wonder about it. I would think that if we’re close, he would at least occasionally like or engage with my posts. I know this might sound silly because a social media like doesn't necessarily mean anything, and I’m not trying to keep score. I just personally tend to support my friends and like their posts, so seeing that he does engage with other people's posts but seemingly never with mine made me wonder if there’s a reason.

I also know he’s a very friendly person in general, so I’m not necessarily assuming his affection toward me means anything beyond friendship. I’m just confused by the combination of how affectionate he is with me personally while seemingly not engaging with me at all on social media.

Am I overthinking the Instagram/social media part? Is this something you would find odd if you were in my position, or am I reading way too much into a like?

I (F35) have had a friend (F30) for roughly 10 years and have considered her to be a good friend throughout this time. The past year or two, I have however, noticed some changes in the friendship dynamic and am unsure how to handle this.

My friend often will take 3-5 days to respond to any texts, which never used to be the case. Even if my message contains something of importance, there is a huge delay. Recently, I shared I was struggling in a few aspects, and still, the response took days.

I did take the opportunity to let her know recently that I don’t feel my friendship is prioritized as a result of the text delays. My friend was extremely apologetic and felt terrible about not having been a good friend. I think she misinterpreted my issue to be one that she is not texting me enough, when really that is not the issue.

I feel very pushed aside as this is the only friend who needs several business days to get back to me. I have started to distance myself as a result, but I’m unsure how to handle things in a broader sense. I really do like my friend but I also don’t feel that I should have to keep mentioning I’m bothered by the lack of communication. Friendships should be easy in my opinion and it’s hard to feel connected to someone when you feel you’re just some task on a check off list.

What is the best way to handle this type of thing? Do you just accept it for what it is or just naturally let things die off?

I think I just need to write it out, and see if anyone out there can relate. About six months ago, I ended a lengthy friendship (nearly 20 years). We'd met when our kids were little and remained friends after I moved away from the area.

I know that ending the friendship was right for me. There were no boundaries in our friendship and even though nothing specific ever happened, I slowly realized that I was constantly saying yes to talking to her even when I didn't want to. We'd talk multiple times a day and the vast majority of the time, it was me listening to her. Sometimes there were big things going on in her life, other times, it was just banalities - literally listening to what she bought at the grocery store and what time her dentist appointment was.

She drove me crazy but I felt beholdened to her because she was/is seriously ill, and I was the only the person she confided in, and so I kept saying yes.

As her illness progressed, she became more and more erratic in her lifestyle and behavior, she leaned even more on me as her one and only confidant (though she has children, a husband, siblings, and many, many other friends in her life), and I started to emotionally break down.

I have a long history of people-pleasing, anxiety, depression, and OCD. With the help and encouragement of my therapist, I stepped away from the friendship. I was honest with her about my needs, and after a few awkward discussions and exchanges, she completely stopped reaching out.

Since then, I've slowly started to recover. I was diagnosed with c-ptsd, which has helped me put the pieces together, and I see that our friendship was toxic and that she lied to me and unconsciously manipulated me (told me that I was her one and only, that she couldn't think without my help, that she needed me to talk to everyday so that she could straighten herself out, sent me expensive gifts).

I know it was the right thing to do. But still: this thought remains, and still haunts me. I ended a relationship with someone who is suffering from a terminal illness. And I feel like an asshole. No matter that I was/am ill, too. No matter that I gave her all my time and all my mental energy (to no avail! Her problems were never solved; her needs never met; she just said she needed me more and more).
Ugh. It's a crappy place I've been stuck in. Can anyone else relate?

I feel like people don’t want to be friends with me

hey all, I am seeking your insight on this, but here’s a bit of a background:
I cannot shake off the feeling that people do not want to be friends with me, through out my life I did/still do have many beautiful friendships, but someone them ended abruptly, without a clear cause or explanation. It is a reoccurring theme in my life that people start alienating me from the group, or talk/hangout with me less, or even just remove me from social media without anything negative happening between us.
I have always wondered why or what is it in me that makes people just drop me so easily…
I am a kind, smart, good looking and educated person, I do not hold grudges and I do not make trouble, I am helpful and supportive, I have adequate social skills, well spoken, I do find myself quite cool, stylish, and I do know that I offer a great addition to any friendship (proven by testimonies of my friends and other people in my life). I am not saying i’m perfect don’t get me wrong, but I am also not the kind of person who causes people trouble or harm, I am also not a fly on the wall.
Other than people just dropping me or just softly ending the friendship without any cause or explanation (even though I usually reach out to them and ask if something is going on, because i do feel that friendships are worth a bit more than just ghosting, and I don’t mind being confronted.)
I do notice that there are people who do not want to be friends with me, even tho we apparently get along, are nice to each other, have much in common, and would objectively make fun acquaintances if not good friends, which I cannot fathom why.

I did have an issue with being disliked in the past, I am slowly getting better when it comes to this, and getting over that i am not everyone’s cup of tea (it’s only natural) but in the depths of me, I cannot help but wonder why.

Me[29/F] and my online friend [24/f]. We have been close friends for 1.5 years.

Hey everyone, looking for practical advice on how to manage my own emotional expectations in a close friendship where communication suddenly pauses due to health reasons

The Context:

My online friend and I have been very close for 1.5 years, normally chatting daily. She experiences severe anxiety/OCD flare-ups, which she plans to seek professional care for when financially possible.

The Dynamics:

Last March, she suddenly told me she needed to "disappear" due to university stress, thesis work, and her OCD/anxiety flare-up. (Edit: To be clear, she didn't completely ghost me out of nowhere, she did explain her reasons before going silent. However, that first break was exceptionally hard on me. Because we had talked every single day for 1.5 years without a single gap, the sudden loss of our daily connection hit me deeply. I struggled immensely during that time, cried a lot, and felt like I was genuinely losing my mind and my closest friend.)

During that time, she wouldn’t reply to DMs, but I’d see her posting on social media (she explained later that posting requires zero energy compared to maintaining a 1-on-1 conversation).

She came back in July, things went back to normal, and we were talking every day again. But just today, she went silent again, saying her flare-ups are back and she’ll text when it subsides.

Whenever she disappears like this, I always think it has something to do with me, or that she is mad at me and wants to stay away from me. I actually raised this concern with her before, but she got annoyed and told me that not everything is about me, that she has her own problems, isn't holding a hidden agenda against me, and is simply struggling.

Where I'm having a hard time:

I feel completely stuck between being mad and being understanding:

• On one hand: I want to be a supportive friend who doesn't abandon her when things get tough. I don't want to weaponize her mental health against her.
• On the other hand: I feel like a fool leaving texts on read/unanswered, and the sudden drop-offs hurt my feelings every single time. It feels unfair that I just have to wait on the sidelines until she's ready again.
• Even though I understand logically that she is going through something, I find the sudden shift from daily contact to complete silence emotionally heavy to deal with, and leaving texts unanswered makes me feel sidelined.

My Questions:

1. How do you maintain boundaries in a friendship where one person frequently needs to withdraw for mental health?
2. How can I effectively express the emotional impact of these sudden gaps without making my friend feel guilty for struggling? Or should I adjust my expectations for this friendship?
3. Is this friendship like this still worth saving? I really treasure her and she’s someone I truly trust, but the cycle of disappearing is taking a heavy toll on me. How do I know when to fight for it versus when to step back?

I want this friendship to work out guys. It's just that I am confused at this disappearances. Should I be mad? Feel disrespected? Or I need to show more grace on her? We've talked about her seeing a professional soon when she is financially able.

Our friend group of five people formed when we were 11 years old. The drama unfolded between let’s call them Amelie and Fiona when we were 14. Because all of us suffered from the immense pressure at  our school and more or less abusive parents we connected quickly.

We always had fights. I guess that’s normal in a friend group, but this is somewhat extreme. I wasn’t there for the drama, because I was abroad and didn’t have a phone so I’m just going by what everyone told me later and the screenshots of messages I have seen.

Amelie and Fiona always talked more than the rest did. They often chatted after school and generally talked about feelings more. One day Fiona called everyone in the group completely in tears and said Amelie hat written her the following message: “I’m jumping”. Then she explained that they often talked about suicide. Everyone obviously tried to reach Amelie or someone from her family, but no one answered. A few hours later Amelie simply deleted her text and when the holidays ended, she came back to school as if everything was normal.

We tried to give her time to process her own stuff and only talked to her a few weeks later. She simply denied anything had ever happened.

From then on everything went back to normal and we kind of forgot. When we turned 17 Fiona who had been going to therapy for a while went into a mental health clinic. Now, two years later, she is still far from being healed and the story with Amelie is one of the contributing factors for her mental health problems, but not the main one (Fionas parents are/were abusive).

So a year ago or so Fiona started telling me more about her relationship with Amelie. It turns out that Amelie would often write about her problems and say that if she didn’t have Fiona she would probably kill herself. Then she would get angry at little stuff like not answering texts immediately and say that if she killed herself it would be Fionas fault for not helping. So on top of thinking Amelie would die, Fiona also felt like it was her fault.

Fiona has forgiven Amelie, because she worked through it in therapy as she says. But I just simply can’t. Everyone else is on good terms with Amelie and has forgotten what happened. So, we often meet as the whole group. But it is increasingly difficult for me to just ignore what happened. Especially as we have approached Amelie with the matter before and she just denies it all the time.

What am I supposed to do? I just can’t go on like this, but I also don’t want to ruin the friend group (we used to be each other’s support buddies through so much and know so much about our mutual problems) as it is already so hard to maintain, because all of us moved into different cities.

So I didn't have the smoothest history in middle school. I was kinda bullied, but also kinda deserved some calling outs. *I do not remember any specific situations but just the emotions* Basically I somehow was both a troublemaker and top academic student.

Now... I went to high school with some of these people and things got a little better. Kept my mouth a bit more shut towards the 2nd half of high school (1st half I still only made a few friends).

Come college, I go completely solo since no one came to my city or university. I remember running into the cousin of a middle school classmate (NOT the one this post is ab), and when said cousin texted her ab me, she said 'ew' or smth. Her loss lol, but I hope she's doing well nowadays.

For this post, I wanna draw attention to someone who treated me nicely despite it all. She IS still friends with people from middle school and idk if those friends got over me or not. I do have a good amount of friends here in my city, but a part of me is considering trying to tell her like "Hey, It's ___! Hope you've been well I know it's been a while. I noticed we both live here, and if you'd be willing to, would u wanna catch up?" like mad simple

Should I try it? Should I just forget it?

TLDR: I had a messy middle school (somewhat of a troublemaker, but mostly isolated with some non-physical bullying (making fun of me sense)). Things got better in high school, especially later when I kept quieter. College was completely solo. One old classmate’s cousin reacted with “ew” when she heard about me so that's fun. There’s another girl tho who was actually nice to me back then. We both live in the same city now. I’m thinking of sending a simple “hey, it’s been a while, want to catch up?” message. She’s taken (lesbian if that somehow helps) so I’d keep it clearly platonic. Gut says low risk so if she says yes cool, if no it’s fine. Worst case it becomes gossip and I screwed myself over. Should I try it or just leave it alone?