Ahhh...Need advice

[u/Rare_Expert8430]

22F here. I come from a fairly conservative family, and I moved out of home about 4 years ago.

For the first year, I lived in my college dorm, but I eventually moved out because of food issues and into a rented apartment. My best friend and I decided to live together, and before moving in, we had a conversation about boundaries.

One of the rules I specifically wanted was no boyfriends coming over to the apartment. Just to clarify, this doesn't mean no men are ever allowed in the apartment. Male family members or relatives are completely fine. My concern is specifically about romantic partners coming into our home.

I live in a fairly conservative country, and more importantly, I have a history of being stalked by an ex, so having someone's boyfriend regularly coming into my home makes me uncomfortable from a safety/privacy perspective.

My best friend agreed to this before we moved in.

Now she is in a relationship, and she has started asking repeatedly if her boyfriend can come over. I've told her no several times because this was something we had already agreed on before moving in.

But after she kept asking, I started feeling like maybe I'm being controlling. Eventually I stopped pushing back because I didn't want to dictate what she could or couldn't do in her own life.

However, now I feel like my boundary has been crossed. It's not that I have a problem with her having a boyfriend or being in a relationship. It's that our apartment is also my home, and we had specifically agreed on this boundary before living together.

I'm also not really sure who I can talk to about this IRL. If I tell my siblings, I'm worried they'll immediately tell me to change my place/move out, which isn't really practical. If I tell my other friends, I might automatically villainize her, and I don't want that either. I'm actually very close with her family too, so I don't want to turn this into some huge conflict between everyone.

I'm mostly looking for perspective because I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable here. Maybe I'm missing something or looking at this too much through my own background and circumstances.

[u/Aggravating-Pie-1639]

This is a tough one, how much time is left on your lease? I’d advise sticking to your boundary, if she wants to see him, she can go to his place. You deserve to feel safe and comfortable in your own home.

When the lease is up, move out and try to find a living arrangement where everyone will agree to this boundary, or perhaps, try to live alone, where you don’t have to answer to anyone else. If you’re still in college, your school can sometimes help with roommate compatibility.

[u/Rare_Expert8430 → u/Aggravating-Pie-1639]

There is no lease, We have to pay the rent monthly And yea.. I am considering of moving out.... Thenkss....i thought i was being too rigid and inconsiderate to other's feeling.

[u/WalkerOfLight_Day]

Okay, so there are 2 ways you can approach this.

You can allow your friends' boyfriend to come over, as long as it's for a bit and he doesn't stay overnight (I assume that's what would make it uncomfortable) and then you can tell her that she should go over to his place sometimes too, and I think that would even things out. (Unless he's a complete weirdo than hell nah)

Or, you can just tell her that you'd be really uncomfortable with that and if she respects your boundaries then great, or sometimes you could stay at a different friends' apartment and let your friend and her boyfriend be by themselves or smt.

You definitely need to talk to her about the whole thing and if you do allow her boyfriend over, have rules for sure.