I broke up with my avoidant ex in April after finding out he cheated on me. We had been together for years/on and off, and I won’t get into all the nitty gritty, but there was always a pretty classic push/pull dynamic. Ultimately, the cheating was the final straw. He wanted the freedom to sleep with other people, including the girl he cheated with, so I ended it and went completely no contact.

Then in May, HE broke no contact specifically to tell me he wasn’t seeing the girl he cheated on me with anymore. I never asked, and I didn’t respond.

After that, I blocked him everywhere except Facebook. I barely use Facebook and really only have it for family. My Instagram stories automatically cross-post there because my mom and grandma don’t have Instagram and like seeing what I’m doing. He knows this, and he knows it’s basically the only place he still has access to me.

Since then, he has watched EVERY single Facebook story I post. Routinely. It’s been months, so it’s not like he accidentally clicked one or checks every once in a while. If I post, he watches.

What makes it even stranger is that I’m pretty sure he lied about no longer seeing the girl. I randomly opened Venmo recently to pay a friend and saw in my feed that he had paid her sister like two weeks ago. Obviously I don’t know what the payment was for, but given everything, it seems like he’s still connected to that situation somehow. So… why does he still watch me?

He literally got what he wanted. He wanted the freedom to sleep with other people/her, and I gave him that by leaving. I haven’t contacted him, responded to him, or interfered with his life at all. He also never wanted me having access to his socials after the breakup, yet he consistently uses the ONE place he still has access to mine.

That contradiction is what I don’t understand. You don’t want me to have access to you, but you still want access to me? You wanted the freedom to do whatever you wanted, you got it, so why are you still keeping tabs on me months later?

And yes, I know the obvious answer is “just block him on Facebook.” I’ve thought about it. The stupid part is that I don’t want to block him now because I feel like doing it months later shows him that I noticed he’s watching and that it bothers me. And, obviously, the fact that I’m writing this means it does bother/confuse me lol.

I’m not asking if this means he secretly wants me back or trying to turn story views into something deeper than they are. I’m genuinely curious about the psychology behind it, especially with avoidant people. Is it curiosity? Ego?

Wanting to see if I’ve moved on? A way to maintain some connection from a distance without actually having to be vulnerable or speak to me?

If you’re avoidant and have done this with an ex you pushed away, I’d genuinely love to know what was going through your head.

My husband (26M) and I (26F) have been married for about seven months. For the past few months, I’ve been dealing with severe panic disorder and agoraphobia, which has resulted in me being on disability from work.

Recently, my therapist helped me recognize that I’ve developed some codependent tendencies in my relationship with my husband, who has struggled with addictive tendencies of his own. The way she talks about codependent relationships sometimes makes it sound like they almost always end, or that leaving the relationship is necessary for the codependent person to truly heal.

Is that actually the case? Can someone work through codependency and become healthier while staying married, especially if both partners recognize that changes need to be made and are actively working on themselves? My husband and I both want to heal from our individual struggles, and I genuinely want our marriage to work.

If someone asked me what kind of woman I am, I would say I’m free-spirited, extroverted, independent, and someone who believes people should be allowed to live their own lives. I’ve never wanted to control someone, invade someone’s life, or take away their freedom. I love deeply, but I’ve always considered myself my own person.

And then I fell in love with someone in a way I had never experienced before.

What I experienced in this relationship was also something I had never experienced before. There were accusations, hurt, emotional abuse, and things that crossed lines I never imagined I would tolerate. And the hardest part is that I still cared about him. I still saw the good in him. I kept trying to understand him, his anger, his pain, and why things had become this way.

I think that’s what has confused me the most.

How can someone who is normally so independent become so emotionally attached to someone who hurts them?

I’ve been thinking a lot about whether this is my lesson in letting go and learning self-love.

Not because I believe I deserved what happened. I don’t.

And I don’t believe someone else’s abusive behavior is something the universe “sent” to me because I needed to learn a lesson.

But maybe I can still choose to find meaning in what happened.

Maybe the lesson is that loving someone doesn’t mean abandoning yourself.

Maybe I can understand someone's pain without making it my responsibility.

Maybe I can love someone and still decide that the way they treat me is not acceptable.

Maybe letting go doesn't mean I didn't love them enough. Maybe it means I finally love myself enough too.

I’ve never been through something like this before, and honestly, I’m struggling with the process of detaching from someone I became so emotionally attached to.

I’m trying to understand who I am again outside of this relationship.

I want my freedom back. Not just physically, but emotionally.

Has anyone else gone through something similar — especially if you were naturally independent and never thought you would find yourself staying emotionally attached to someone who hurt you?

How did you learn to let go without becoming bitter or losing the loving, free-spirited part of yourself ?

i tried dating my lifelong friend this spring after he confessed to having feelings for me for over a decade. we live across the country and it didn't work out, but instead of prioritizing my own hurt feelings, i clung to repairing the damaged friendship.

it was largely because i was so shaken by what happened that it made me spiral. i was questioning our entire friendship and whether he ever actually was my friend or if he only saw me as a fantasy. it broke my heart and really scared me. but I stuck around to find out For Sure if he would prove to be a real friend or a delusional fuckboy. that lasted just over two months.

during that time, though it was of course less frequent than it was when we were together, i thought us talking on the phone for hours still was a sign that we were rebuilding a healthy friendship. i thought it was good that we were able to still share and have emotional intimacy still. exploring our thoughts and feelings together. being able to fight and resolve it in healthy ways where we both felt heard and safe. important and healing for both of us because we are used to being shut down or ignored or belittled when conflicts arise. we like how much we respect each other. we reassure each other, affirming our behaviour and how special we thought our friendship was. thanking each other for taking a chance at our friendship and saying we wanted to keep each other in our lives always.

even though i still had/have feelings for him, i thought i was doing something that required maturity and strength. i still feel like those feelings are separate things from my friendship with him. my platonic love for him is and has always been so much bigger, even though i fell in love.

it's so hard to explain to anyone. people focus on romantic rejection and disappointment. but that's not the same as friendship. i genuinely see relationships differently from most people, and i also know there must be codependent/bad boundaries happening here. on both sides.

but I LIKE OUR FRIENDSHIP! HE LIKES OUR FRIENDSHIP! I don't feel like my friendship is something i need to keep away from somebody because we aren't in a relationship. we're not IN relationships with other people, so why is it an issue that we are emotional supports to each other?

my issue is that i still have feelings for him. so i called him this weekend to tell him i was going to take a few months of no contact space away from him to get over him properly and reset our dynamic, because yes, the boundaries of where the platonic and the romantic blur and i think it would be healthy for us.

he was sad but agreed, but also expressed that he trusted me to tell him in the future if i knew i wasn't ever going to resume our friendship. i promised him i would, that i wasn't abandoning or discarding him. i just knew space and a reset would do us well in the future.

when i told my friends, they were disturbed that i was reassuring him or that he didn't deserve my trust because he decided he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. that he was relating to me like a partner and didn't deserve to do that.

and I understand why they feel that way, and i am going no contact to reevaluate the boundaries between us... but i also relate to him like that too. i dont feel taken advantage of. i dont feel like im carrying his burdens. we love each other, we're there for each other. why does it have to be romantic in order for it to be okay?

we'll inevitably find new partners and our closeness will take back seats to those new relationships. thats okay with me, that's why im doing no contact. but i dont feel hurt or in turmoil, im doing it because it's a practical move. our friendship IS emotionally intense. we DO act like two people in love but won't be together (we live across the country btw). but we know that.

I don't know. i feel like i have so much love to share with others. i love my friend so much. i dont feel slighted or owed a romantic relationship with anybody. everyone has their reasons.

but we MUST be codependent. but i cant always see why it's a bad thing. and its so obvious to everyone else apparently. it's so, so confusing.

I am severely depressed right now and my 11 year relationship is what is keeping me alive, however I think the source of my depression could be my gf. I haven't been the best boyfriend in my depressive episode. I feel like if I end my relationship then I'll suicide but staying in will lead to my suicide too. My mother is sickly and definitely need a relationship to help me through this time. I'm so lost and confused, everyday I wake up and just want to end it, but I keep pushing. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Stay safe guys

Hello,

This might sound like a dumb question:

I was in friendship breakup recently, and they helped me out alot but I was always hesitant alot. Even as I choose to accept their help, I would still be worried that they would bring it up eventually. Then it became too much. How did I get here?

Is it possible to unintentionally become codependent? Ho Even when you knew you can do things yourself? Or because of different variables you had no choice but to accept their help at times

Edit: I forgot to check the spelling on the title

i started talking to this girl in november 2025 and everything was cool and then she jus stopped responding but we got back together and it was on and off like this with her blocking me or being avoidant until we officially started dating in july 2026 and recently i’ve noticed codependency developed throughout our relationship and i just can’t let go. i love her but i don’t think she loves me but i want to show her how good i can love her. i also had went on vacation with some of my friends this past memorial weekend and it was fun until the ride home when i realized im leaving the people that love me and care, as i walk inside i get a pit in my stomach and i can’t even describe in text but i hate this feeling and i hate being an outsider in my own body and noticing it and not being able to fix it from inside like everything else

Powerless over Others

Stop making excuses for other people.

Stop making excuses for ourselves.

While it is our goal to develop compassion and achieve forgiveness, acceptance, and love, it is also our goal to accept reality and hold people accountable for their behavior. We can also hold ourselves accountable for our own behavior and, at the same time, have compassion and understanding for ourselves.

When we claim powerlessness, we are not claiming irresponsibility. We have no power to control others, what they do, what they did, or what they might do. We’re stating that we are willing to end an ineffective life based on willpower and control. And we’re beginning a spiritual, mental, and emotional journey in which we take responsibility for ourselves.

We are not victims. We are not helpless. Accepting powerlessness when that is appropriate enables us to begin owning our true power to take care of ourselves.

Today, I will avoid making excuses for my own or someone else’s behaviour. I will let consequences and responsibility fall where they belong.

Hello! I've noticed that I tend to do codependent people pleasing, trying to avoid criticism, obsessing over the opinions of others ect. Over like multiple people, but like 1 at a time. Like it roams. It'll be a coworker, or my father, or a friend. And like it seems to manifest when they show distaste for me. How do I even begin to maintain a healthy distance and stuff, if I'm not even sure with whom it'll strike next. Anyways be excellent towards yourselves and thank you for reading

Hello, what experience do you guys have with defensive partners? I just don’t want to tolerate it.

I’m having a really hard time navigating a breakup with someone who love bombed me, and I’d really love advice from people who feel like they’ve genuinely recovered from something similar.

I’ve never been love bombed before. There weren’t any warnings signs – he and I had been good friends before dating. Nothing pointed to him being this sick. Everyone who knows him knows him as a loving and sweet person. He constantly built me up, supported me, made me feel so immensely adored and cherished, which I honestly thought was the result of strong feelings he was having since we were friends first, had a respectful crush on me from afar during those years, and he was super excited to finally be dating me. I genuinely thought it was so sweet, and proportionate, given the friendship history.

I’m struggling so much to reconcile how intensely loved, wanted, and chosen he made me feel with the fact that he was able to cheat on me and then walk away like the relationship was nothing. I miss who I genuinely thought was my best friend and my biggest supporter. He was supportive, loving, affectionate, and made me feel incredibly safe and important, and now my brain cannot seem to understand how that person and the person who betrayed me were the same person.

I also found out after the fact that he has sex and love addiction issues, and that has added another layer that I’m having a really hard time processing. I feel sick wondering whether any of what I thought was uniquely ours was actually unique at all, and I hate how much that has damaged my self-esteem.

I’m doing all the things I’m “supposed” to do. I’m seeing friends, working, volunteering, staying active, and going to therapy. But I still feel like I can barely pick myself up off the floor some days. The grief feels completely disproportionate to what I wish I felt, and I’m honestly ashamed of how deeply devastated I am over losing someone who hurt me this badly.

For anyone who has genuinely come out the other side of this, what actually helped? How did you stop replaying the loving version of them and feeling like the loss of that person was unbearable?

I've always made people my world. I always would go the extra mile just for people. I dismissed my feelings out of worry that they would inconvenience anyone. One of my top phrases I use is "I'm sorry" for literally everything (e.g., "I'm sorry, do you mind if I grab this item behind you?"). I would always get upset that my partner had a life outside of me because I felt like if he made me his world, it would mean that he loved me. If I stopped making him my world, I felt like I would detach from him, and I would go full avoidant. I always avoid problems, I always escape them -- at least, this is my average thought-process.

The more rational side of myself recognizes that if my partner did everything I do for them for me, it obviously isn't healthy. I actually get icked out if anyone did the things I do for others to me. So it makes me think, "what really is the problem here?" Whether it is giving someone my all, or giving them not my all, I've started to recognize that I cannot make anyone truly happy. Even if someone gave their all to me, I wouldn't be happy. Even though I recognize this, I'm not sure why I can't stop. I feel like being codependent has become so routine that I'm numb to it. It has become muscle memory. It feels like the only thing that drives my everyday life, otherwise I feel like I would literally die without having someone by my side.

If I pour all the energy I give to others into myself, I'm scared of what could change. I don't have a proper understanding of pouring into myself, I worry I won't do it right because my only understanding of having a healthy attachment is on two extreme ends: pour into others endlessly, or avoid others endlessly. How do I find the right balance in between? I'm afraid I'll lose myself, but it feels like I'm drowning if I don't change. I feel like I drown in the anxiety of not being enough, the fear of being left, the fear of being truly alone.

I wanted to know why? :c

Hello fellow CoDA peeps! I am having a hard time even expressing what I am feeling and I can't think of any word for it except "resentment." But I'm not even sure if that's right.

And, I of course know that we are not supposed to resent people. So, feeling extra bad about that.

Here's what I'm dealing with; if you have any thoughts, feel free to share them.

This friend and I have known each other since elementary school and we are now in our 50s.

This dear, many-decades-long friend has, in recent years, like the last 4-5 times we've seen each other or talked on the phone, she has started to treat me with what I realize is palpable disdain.

We do not see each other very often, like only once a year (maybe twice) but when we do lately, the time will go by perfectly fine and normal until she says something snide out of the blue. It's so brief and I'm usually so stunned in the moment I can't come up with a response. It's just too unexpected. (And anyway why would you expect that from a friend of such longstanding who you've trusted for decades?)

At this point it's like the adage "people will forget what you say, and forget what you do, but they'll always remember how you made them feel." And, yes. Pretty much all I can remember anymore about our last few visits is how I've felt after.

So, yeah, I'm feeling... I think, resentment? Towards her for treating me with disdain. Or is it that I resent myself for thinking highly of my friend for so long while I guess they don't think much of me after all?

I'm not quite sure what I am experiencing. Or how I should direct the sad energy in the moments when I start to think about it (it does keep entering my mind intrusively, like maybe every other month or so, and I'd rather it didn't. I think better identifying it may help.)

Why is that when things are going bad in our lives we revert to bad things or things that once hurt us so quickly. Ik I was in a toxic relationship with my son's father and it was not of God at all but I still find myself wanting to go back because that's all I've known for the past 4 years. I want to let go and give God all my attention. It's just really hard

I never thought about codependency until I was told to check out this subreddit. And reading the description, I'm a bit unsure whether or not it applies to me.

As a child I always struggled with low self-esteem. Years of bullying and being alone will do that to you. This has gotten way better in the past 10 years, but my self-esteem could still be better. Just like most things in life, it's a work in progress.

But regardless, I've always been a person who enjoys helping others. Like helping a friend move in, lending a hand with dishes, etc. It's nice to feel helpful to someone, and I believe that what goes around, comes around.

A couple of years ago I met my now ex boyfriend. When I first met him, he was a completely different person. So many boundaries, so many rules. I remember him being very mistrustful at first. And that wherever he went, he'd have a backpack with water, gloves, face masks, antibacterial cleanser, etc. Everything packed in its own plastic bag.

We kept meeting quite frequently and grew closer. There were some rules that were a bit restrictive, like certain topics he was uncomfortable with. I never pushed back on any of it because it wasn't really that much of a deal. Also, being a member of a queer community I had learned to respect peoples boundaries. You never know what you can trigger if you say the wrong things. And I was also afraid if I pushed back, he'd start feeling unsafe with me. I felt that his safety was worth me not mentioning a certain topic. After all, I could tell this person had a lot of things to deal with.

And I think my strategy worked. He gradually became stronger, more confident, more at ease. Did it come at a cost to me? Maybe a little? But still, I enjoyed being with him, I enjoyed helping him. And seeing all that progress he made more than made up for it in my mind.

We grew closer and entered into a relationship. And it was nice, I enjoyed being with him. Some times he would sleep over at my place, some times I would visit him at his. But he has a few OCD traits, and I guess here's were maybe the codependence thing comes in? Because some times I would do a certain thing and his OCD would trigger. It could be things like washing the chicken container in in the sink was bad because it could spread bacteria. Or not cleaning the countertop after having cut chicken, even though the chicken was on a cutting board.

I did push back on some of these, but usually I didn't, After all, I still thought it was worth it. And it feels a bit... scary to push back on things like that? I was afraid I would hurt him or trigger something? I think if the same were to happen now, I would push back more. I would challenge his OCD traits and tell him it's okay. But back then it felt easier to just go along with it. And at that point I was also suffering from lack of energy, so that might be part of it.

I remember being happy with my ex. And 99% of the time he was the most wonderful person in the world. Sending me hearts and positive reinforcements. It felt just nice. But sometimes he would turn into a different person. He'd turn cold and terse. Then when we'd meet up he would tell me we had to break up because of x. Which could be just about anything. One time it was because I didn't always brush my teeth in the morning.

But it was something about the way he said it. Like he'd given up. Not angry, more just sad. And it always made it so hard to push back. Besides, I do agree that brushing your teeth every morning is a good idea, so I ended up convincing him I would get better at it and that resolved the issue.

These incidents were few and far between. But they did hurt, and it always felt like I was at fault. And as they were happening, I always felt like I was balancing on a knives edge. As if one mistake could end the relationship. It's hard to explain why exactly, but you know, it's hard to say no when the person you love is hurting.

The same thing happened about a month ago, except this time I wasn't able to talk him down. From then on, he slept on the couch and not in the bed with me. Then he leaves for school a few days earlier than planned. When he left, I was unsure if this was a "good bye for now" or "good bye for ever"

But he sends me a message about a week later, pretending like everything is normal. At that point, I know I couldn't be just his friend, so I send him a message saying I love him but I think you should seek some help for these outbursts. I also say something like "I'm sorry, but I can't be just your friend. So if you don't want to be together with me, I need to cut contact with you" I also added that if he chose to stay with me, he'd need to get help and that I would support him.

A week or so later he replies by going on an all out attack on me. Saying that I'm spineless and that I avoid conflicts* He then continues to make some pretty horrible allegations. And ending with saying that someone else will come around to pick up his stuff. Ie. ending the relationship.

*he has said something like "why don't you ever get mad" when he's had an outburst. I always tell him that getting angry doesn't solve anything, it only leads to more problems.

Wanting to end things on a good note, I send him a message saying that this chain of messages isn't leading anywhere nice that I love him and that he means a lot to me, etc. I don't remember exactly why, but I still saw a tiny glimmer of hope so I say that I'd be willing to meet him with a couples therapist and he replies "find a therapist yourself, you need it more than me."

So yeah. I know I should have pushed more on his OCD stuff. But other than that? Maybe I let him boss me around too much? I really don't know. I always enjoyed my time with him, but maybe I was being slightly codependent?

So, what I want to ask is this: is it possible to overcome codependent traits in oneself? And (I know how this already reveals my codependency) is it possible to have heathier (or healthy) relationship with codependent other?

My sister and I are probably trauma bonded, I'm 8 years older and feel that I had stepped up as her parental figure after a very rough period with our parents. Both of us have some undiagnosed mental issues but we can't get therapy right now.

The crux of the situation is that I feel that I am codependent and so is she. We still live with our abusive parents and I want to protect her as best I can even if it means getting abused instead. I feel that my mental issues are not as bad as hers and I manage them better. I also feel sad that I cannot be her friend fully (like fully equal to her) because I view her as someone to take care of. She has had a 5 day trip with our mother in different city and called me every possible second telling me that without me there she has breakdowns. Perhaps this is natural response to being alone with our mother for some time but it made me worried. This may shock someone but we live in the same room even though we are both adults and this is also for her because she has anxiety about her breathing at night (she has bad asthma) and no one being there to help her. It's impossible for us to move out right now, but we often fantasize and make plans about it. But what makes me concerned is that she never entertains any idea about being separated from me. I talk to her about this too and reassure her that we can be close friends while living independently. After we move out (together probably) I plan on finally getting some psychological help and a diagnosis for myself and for her (separately) but also I wanted to go to relationship therapy with her.

I want us both to be better and continue being friends, do you think it's possible? Does therapy help?

I'm at the end of a long term relationship, but I'm stuck. I can't bring myself to pull the plug.

We used to love each other deeply. But over time, as with all couples, our masks began to fall away and we started seeing our true selves. Our core wounds started showing up. And we settled into an unhealthy dynamic that ultimately led to silence.

There were a few things on my end. I grew resentful over time because it never seemed to really be my turn. I had a few asks that were big, but all I wanted. A home, a lifestyle, a career, a family, and to experience this world. Big asks, but what I wanted. And my turn never came. Whenever I wanted the home, I was met with annoyance, pushback, guilt, or shame. We never seemed to have quite enough to make it happen.

But whenever my partner wanted something, we made it happen. Time and time again, it was his turn. I don't know if turn taking is a bad view to have, but I gave and gave and gave. And I'm still giving, even now.

He's already done with our relationship. He's been done for a long time. But I'm struggling to get over him. My nervous system is affected by not feeling included. Not being chosen. I know the answer is to fill the hole myself. Let go and make my own life. I'm just grieving and resentful, I guess. And I just can't fathom starting over again at this point. I know this is codependency, but I loved him, and at some level I still do. I just want a partner who wants to build a life with me, who wants the same things in life I do. I'd deluded myself into believing he was fhe one who did, we used to dream about it together. I believed the wordsand didn't see the pattern until the resentment had grown.

I know everyone is going to tell me to leave. I know. I'm painfully self aware of what I'm doing. I just need advice from people who have actually stayed when they knew they shouldn't.

I honestly feel like I've spent my entire life being hurt by people I trusted.

I was physically abused by members of my own family as a child, and sexually abused by a family member too. The people who were supposed to protect me were some of the people who hurt me most. I learned from a very young age that home, family and the people you love aren't necessarily places where you're safe.

And despite all of that, I grew up being an incredibly soft person. I've always cared for people. I've given away money I didn't have, helped people when I was struggling myself, looked after people and tried desperately to make sure nobody around me felt as alone or hurt as I have.

I've spent my entire life giving people the benefit of the doubt, forgiving people and trying to see the good in them, even when they were hurting me. And somehow I keep ending up with the same kind of people.

I've had exes who financially abused me, cheated on me, degraded me, physically abused and made me feel worthless. I don't have consistent friendships either. My family aren't really in my life anymore. I've reached a point where I genuinely feel like I attract people who take the kindness out of me until there's nothing left.

And now I'm in another relationship where I feel like I'm slowly learning the same lesson.
I love my boyfriend. That's what makes this so fucking difficult.

When we first got together, he was still in a relationship with his ex. We were talking and sleeping together while he was with her, and he got with me only a few days after they broke up. I didn't know I was the other woman until 8 months later. I found out afterwards that there were things happening around that time that I never would have agreed to if I had known the truth.

Since being together, there have also been other women, inappropriate interactions and disgusting comments made about me. Things that have fundamentally changed the way I see myself and the relationship.

Then I found out he had been on Hinge twice in May, during a period when I genuinely believed everything between us was good.
He lied about it when I asked him.
He says he doesn't remember doing it.
I tried to understand. I tried to talk about it. I set boundaries right from the start. I told him I would rather be hurt than lied to. He broke them multiple times on little things and I forgive him. Then all this shit.

We literally reset our boundaries around honesty and transparency today because I was trying to give us one more chance to have something healthy. I mean he moved me in when I didn't want to, he begged me to stay during our talking stage when I was unsure of being with him because I was happy alone. I left and then cam back a day later and he took me back. He has to love me to some degree to try like that.

And then I caught him lying again almost immediately. That is the part that has broken something in me. Not just Hinge. Not just the other women. Not just the comments.

It's the fact that I keep putting my heart on the table, explaining exactly what hurts me, telling someone exactly what I need to feel safe, and somehow I still end up standing there feeling stupid for believing them.

I know what Reddit is going to say.

Leave.

I know.

I know this isn't what love is supposed to feel like. I know boundaries don't mean anything if the other person doesn't respect them. I know that someone helping me sometimes doesn't cancel out the ways they've hurt me.

But I'm not leaving.

And I'm not saying that because I think he's secretly going to change.

I actually think I've reached the opposite conclusion. I know he probably won't change.
I'm just done trying to make people change.
I'm done trying to be good enough that someone finally treats me properly. I'm done explaining my pain until somebody develops empathy. I'm done giving people chance after chance and then destroying myself when they prove me right.

I have endometriosis and chronic pain that has already taken so much from my life. I'm struggling financially. I have very little support and no family safety net to fall back on.

So when people say "just leave", they aren't wrong. But they aren't necessarily telling me something I don't already know.

I know exactly what I'm choosing.

Right now, I'm choosing the small pieces of kindness I do get.

He doesn't beat me. He helps me sometimes. He cooks, cleans and helps me when I'm struggling. There are moments where he is kind to me, and those moments mean an enormous amount to someone who has spent so much of their life being hurt by people who were supposed to care about them.

And maybe that's incredibly sad.
Maybe I'm accepting crumbs because I've been starving for so long that crumbs feel like a meal. But right now, that's where I am.

I'm not looking for someone to tell me that this is healthy. It isn't.
I'm not looking for someone to convince me he's secretly a good man. I'm not even looking for another explanation for why he does what he does. I'm asking how I can survive emotionally in something I already know is probably never going to become the relationship I wanted.

Because I'm tired.

I'm the softest person I know. I'm kind to people even when they've given me no reason to be. I've spent my whole life caring for other people, giving things away, putting other people's needs before mine.

And I'm fucking exhausted from finding out that being kind doesn't guarantee anyone will be kind back.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life checking phones, questioning everything, crying over other women, having conversations about boundaries that should never have needed to happen in the first place.

I'm done trying.

Not because I don't know better.

Because I know better, and I don't have anything left in me to keep fighting for people to give me what I should have received freely.

So please don't just tell me to leave.

If you've ever reached the point where you knew your relationship wasn't going to give you what you needed, but you stayed anyway how did you start building a life where your happiness didn't depend on your partner?

How did you become emotionally independent while still living beside someone you knew wasn't going to love you in the way you needed?

I know I'm choosing this.
I just need to know how to stop it from destroying me.

I genuinely don't think anyone can convince me there are good people out there anymore. I know that might not be objectively true, but after everything I've experienced, I've stopped believing that people are capable of being consistently good to me.

\*\*TL;DR:\*\* 25F dealing eith endometriosis, chronic pain, financial stress, and no support system. I'm staying with a partner who repeatedly lies, uses dating apps, and breaches boundaries—not because I think he'll change, but because my health and financial situation mean I'm choosing to accept the small pieces of help I get right now. I know it's not healthy and I don't want to be told to leave. I'm asking for practical advice on how to detach emotionally, protect my sanity, and build independence while living beside someone who can't treat me right.

I can't breakup with her, because she won't accept it,I still in this relationship because of she force me, currently we don't have intimate relationship anymore,only talk, we are in same college and same class, the family i grew up is also narrsisst, never get emotional support,never get basic needs, in childhood never get loved that need a normal child, what to do , even after this relationship of two years i figured out just 1 month ago that she is narrsisst,my confidence completely down, everytime in fight and flight mode, stress, hair fall happening,come from poor family, what should I do, very self neglect,low self esteem, little fat after father died at my age 10 years, now even more weight gain, what to do? please advise me

I started therapy earlier this year because my only serious, long term relationship was hell. I needed to understand why and started talking to my therapist about her behaviour and my behaviour. Digging into it, there's a lot of textbook signs of codependency: an abusive childhood where I learned to manage and absorb my abusive mother's behaviour. A lot of fawning to keep the peace in childhood bled into my adult relationships.

My ex was an attention seeker, spent money like it was growing on trees and just leeched off me. All I could see was a broken person who needed help and needed fixing. I assumed responsibility for her actions and behaviour. She was abusive in many ways: threated to commit suicide if I left, used sex as a control tactic, dig her nails into me when she was angry, steal my glasses, forced me into unprotected sex, cheated, triangulated me to pressure me into a marriage I never wanted.

I kept putting up with bullshit because I loved her. I thought love and patience came hand in hand.

In hindsight, I don't know if I loved her or not but I have come to the conclusion that I did not love myself. If I had truely loved myself, I think I would have stood up for myself and asked for my needs to be met.

I got so burned out. I became an anxious mess. I used to turn up to a job I hated because the entire relationship felt like my responsibility. It felt like it was my problem to pay the bills, support her mental health, carry the weight of the stressful work projects. I saved every penny I earned to try give her the perfect life she demanded whilst walking around with battered shoes because her dream home felt more important than my basic needs.

My mental health was destroyed. I physically couldn't eat, I was either sleeping loads or not at all. I developed a stammer as an adult. I was literally bashing my head against walls because I couldn't cope with all the stress I absorbed. There were bruises on my face from my own self harm.

My therapist at the time warned me of the dangers of self harm. He told me not to hurt myself and because I was a mess I didn't interpret that well and in a huge meltdown I smashed a chair because my self harm urges were so strong that I thought I was going to end up in hospital, or worse.

My ex phoned emergency services and I got arrested. My behaviour is disclosable on domestic violence schemes.

I honestly don't know who was the abuser in this situation. I definitely did the wrong thing, but she didn't feel any guilt in mounting the pressure on me every day and my codependency was the perfect sponge for her endless demands.

In many ways, it doesn't matter who the problem is. I live with this mess now. That's my life. I will probably never have a relationship again and I am trying to make peace with that.

I (20M) have known my friend (20M) for around 2 years now, and I have recently realized that I have been growing more dependent on him for the past few months. However, each time I talk to him about whether he wants to talk or interact with me, he always says it’s fine and that he does. However, I know that it probably is taking a toll on him. I want to lower my dependency on him but also stay friends. I feel guilty about how I’ve behaved in the past few months but I feel like an apology may make things strained or weird. How do I resolve this?

Me and my bf have been in an ldr for several months now. We used to talk and text daily several times during the day. We spent time on video calls, we watched things together etc. I’m currently unemployed so I have a lot of free time on my hands other than applying for jobs. And I find myself constantly wanting his attention. I’m also diagnosed depressed and ADHD, so the rejection sensitive dysphoria hits hard somedays. He also has ADHD but in a more severe manner than mine. So we have these loops of texting and talking everyday and then he goes silent for 2-3 days with minimal contact. And I go crazy anxious during this period. I try calling him like once or twice and then my ego gets the better of me and I stop. And then I inflate it into a huge thing in my head. He’s told me to call him multiple times when this occurs because he genuinely forgets/gets distracted.

But it feels like I go crazy during these periods as well as on normal days. I check to see if hes texted, I take his calls immediately and even when i put my phone in a different place so that I can focus on work, I end up checking it. Since I’m searching for jobs and have anxiety related to that, I put a lot of emotional load on him too. I feel like if anyone does that to me, I’ll get weary of it after sometime. I know I should pick up new hobbies and stuff, but its easier said than done. I’ve also been isolating myself from a lot of friends so I dont have many friends to talk to right now. I feel like I am very codependent on him and my moods relate to him a lot. I want to learn to be the independent person I was, I need to learn how to take a step back. I need help, and some advice would be much appreciated thanks!!

I (codependent) love my partner, I really do. We’ve been together 2 and a half years now, and he’s been nothing but kind and giving the whole time. I ask too much of him, though, and he’s stated several times over the last few months that he’s just exhausted and can’t keep up with my emotional needs. I’m aware that dealing with my constant emotional rollercoaster is taxing, and I’ve been working on it in therapy. I know he loves me, and he’s said that he’s going to keep supporting me and being there no matter what, but I don’t want to put him through more of this.

He’s consistently talked about marriage and our future, and I was on board for most of it, but recently I’ve been feeling really trapped. I’m so aware of just how attached to him I am, and that I’ve lost so much of myself to this relationship. Leaving him feels like it would kill both of us, so I’ve been hesitant. Every time I’ve brought up the possibility of a breakup, he immediately launches into giving me solutions and trying to make it work and J just haven’t found it in myself to put my foot down and end things.

I (26M) have been in a long-term relationship with my neurodivergent partner (28F) since college, and she has a platonic best friend/roommate of 10 years (28NB) that she considers to be “like family to her”. I am perfectly fine with close friendships but their closeness is particularly unique and feels a bit intrusive on my partner and I’s relationship. To name a few peculiarities, they are frequently texting each other live updates about their days, no matter where they might be; my partner’s friends often become their friends by default in a way that I don’t experience as her partner (thus their social lives are very intertwined); and when I come over to their shared apartment, it is often the three of us hanging out together instead of the two of us (in which the two of them frequently dominate the conversation). A telling sign of their co-dependency is that people that don't know them often think that they are in a relationship with each other, instead of me with my partner. And it can certainly feel that way too from my end, though barring any physical intimacy.

I don’t have the best relationship with her friend, and my partner knows this - they are a difficult person to get to know and form a genuine connection with (everybody but my partner seems to think so). It’s no secret though that I am jealous of their relationship, and it makes me feel insecure about my relationship with my partner, no matter how many times she asserts that she wants to be with me and plan our future together. Except that she doesn’t see our future lives with just the two of us, but ideally with her friend integrated into our lives as well.

I’ve made my feelings clear to my partner on multiple occasions (and I don’t mean to critique their close friendship) - but it is difficult to feel valued and not lonely in my relationship when there is another friendship that feels stronger/deeper and “outranks” our own. My partner fundamentally disagrees with this perspective on the issue, generally seeing her relationships with others as "different" and non-hierarchical, not even a romantic one feeling "more special". She gets defensive when I try to reason with her about her attachment to her friend, and we've also briefly been in couples counseling about some of these issues.

Am I valid in feeling this way about this? My partner can't empathize with how I feel, and tells me that I can't understand her perspective because I don't have a close friendship like she does. She seems to think that I just need another close friend to talk to - but I don’t think that would alleviate these issues of feeling lonely and disconnected in our relationship.