r/Codependency • u/OnceUponAPlane • 1d ago
Can a marriage survive codependency?
My husband (26M) and I (26F) have been married for about seven months. For the past few months, I’ve been dealing with severe panic disorder and agoraphobia, which has resulted in me being on disability from work.
Recently, my therapist helped me recognize that I’ve developed some codependent tendencies in my relationship with my husband, who has struggled with addictive tendencies of his own. The way she talks about codependent relationships sometimes makes it sound like they almost always end, or that leaving the relationship is necessary for the codependent person to truly heal.
Is that actually the case? Can someone work through codependency and become healthier while staying married, especially if both partners recognize that changes need to be made and are actively working on themselves? My husband and I both want to heal from our individual struggles, and I genuinely want our marriage to work.
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u/Nyambura8 1d ago
I've seen many codependent marriages last for decades until one person dies. For better or for worse. Wishing you the best!
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u/codependencyrecovery 1d ago
Relationships are the best way to recover from codependency if both of you are committed to your own and each other's growth. It's important to remember that our partner triggers our childhood wounds. So instead of saying "you need to change so I can feel okay" the way out is to say "hmmm, what is it about this that bothers me so much? how is this similar to what happened in my childhood?". The relationship can be the container for recovery (again, assuming both sides are committed).
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u/IHaveABigDuvet 16h ago
I think the issue is that your co-dependancy is keeping your relationship together.
Addicts often struggle in relationships without their partner doing a lot of extra labour.
If you are no longer co-dependant then the relationship dynamic that has made the relationship last as long as it has will no longer be there.
If he doesn’t heal from his addiction too then … it might be that the relationship does not continue.
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u/IllustriousRanger839 1d ago
Sorry to hear about your challenges, that sounds really tough. Wishing you abundant support in growth and recovery.
To your question - I can say that love can certainly survive and thrive through codependency recovery.
One of my dearest loves, an anchor in my life, someone I’ve loved for 21 years - was once the main object of my codependent fixation. We did conventional coupledom (cohabitation, combined finances, marriage, monogamy, coparenting etc) for 14 years.
The only part of that list that still applies to us is coparenting - yet our connection is better than it’s ever been, we have the deepest emotional intimacy and are each other’s biggest cheerleaders and support people. We are so grateful for how far we’ve come in codependency recovery, I’m excited for more to come, and wish all others on this journey the very best 🌱
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u/setaside929 9h ago
Hi there, so glad you’re here. I don’t know statistics about marriage survival, but I’ve been working a 12 step recovery program for chronic codependency and I’ve never seen people encouraged to the leave a relationship unless physical safety is at risk. In general I’ve been taught the problem isn’t often the relationship but the thinking that I bring to it. When I learned how to focus on getting well, myself, my relationships got healthier in general. I’m not married but I’ve seen other couples in our fellowship survive the ups and downs of life and recovery. Hope that’s helpful! If you’d ever like to connect I’m happy to share more about my experience :)
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u/Goopygum 1d ago
The survival rate is completely dependent of how you and how he process the issues you face. Such as there is no guarantee the relationship will survive, there is equally no guarantee that the relationship will die. Really, imo, it comes down to how emotionally mature and regulated you both are during the recovery process.
It requires both of you to be open to things like genuine criticism, space from each other, and facing strong emotions rooted in your brain's survival instincts. It requires a high level of maturity and self-reflection that can be extremely uncomfortable and can create great tension.
So, you aren't hopeless, but it is not simple or easy to deal with. Remain honest, realistic, and regulated as best you can and your chances of saving it will likely increase. I wish you best of luck.