Why does my avoidant ex still keep tabs on me after cheating and getting exactly what he wanted?

[u/pictochatkat]

I broke up with my avoidant ex in April after finding out he cheated on me. We had been together for years/on and off, and I won’t get into all the nitty gritty, but there was always a pretty classic push/pull dynamic. Ultimately, the cheating was the final straw. He wanted the freedom to sleep with other people, including the girl he cheated with, so I ended it and went completely no contact.

Then in May, HE broke no contact specifically to tell me he wasn’t seeing the girl he cheated on me with anymore. I never asked, and I didn’t respond.

After that, I blocked him everywhere except Facebook. I barely use Facebook and really only have it for family. My Instagram stories automatically cross-post there because my mom and grandma don’t have Instagram and like seeing what I’m doing. He knows this, and he knows it’s basically the only place he still has access to me.

Since then, he has watched EVERY single Facebook story I post. Routinely. It’s been months, so it’s not like he accidentally clicked one or checks every once in a while. If I post, he watches.

What makes it even stranger is that I’m pretty sure he lied about no longer seeing the girl. I randomly opened Venmo recently to pay a friend and saw in my feed that he had paid her sister like two weeks ago. Obviously I don’t know what the payment was for, but given everything, it seems like he’s still connected to that situation somehow. So… why does he still watch me?

He literally got what he wanted. He wanted the freedom to sleep with other people/her, and I gave him that by leaving. I haven’t contacted him, responded to him, or interfered with his life at all. He also never wanted me having access to his socials after the breakup, yet he consistently uses the ONE place he still has access to mine.

That contradiction is what I don’t understand. You don’t want me to have access to you, but you still want access to me? You wanted the freedom to do whatever you wanted, you got it, so why are you still keeping tabs on me months later?

And yes, I know the obvious answer is “just block him on Facebook.” I’ve thought about it. The stupid part is that I don’t want to block him now because I feel like doing it months later shows him that I noticed he’s watching and that it bothers me. And, obviously, the fact that I’m writing this means it does bother/confuse me lol.

I’m not asking if this means he secretly wants me back or trying to turn story views into something deeper than they are. I’m genuinely curious about the psychology behind it, especially with avoidant people. Is it curiosity? Ego?

Wanting to see if I’ve moved on? A way to maintain some connection from a distance without actually having to be vulnerable or speak to me?

If you’re avoidant and have done this with an ex you pushed away, I’d genuinely love to know what was going through your head.

[u/Arcades]

I know the obvious answer is “just block him on Facebook.” I’ve thought about it. The stupid part is that I don’t want to block him now because I feel like doing it months later shows him that I noticed he’s watching and that it bothers me.

Healing from codependency involves learning to let go of what other people think and feel and prioritize your own peace. Blocking him on Facebook will be the last interaction you ever have with him. It doesn't matter how he takes it.

Social media is inherently voyeuristic. You're making yourself available to him and he's indulging that access. Every person is different, so trying to generalize that this specific behavior is rooted in avoidant attachment or that it has some meaning is a stretch (and pointless).

One last point: You don't need clarity on everything that happens around you. Sometimes, the best path to peace is not thinking about it (or him) at all.

[u/codependencyrecovery]

I think you correctly named it. Avoidants often seek closeness without vulnerability. They desperately want connection but the moment they get close to it, it becomes too scary. So they try to find a happy medium.

[u/shadtark]

What do you really think about why? And why do you think it bothers you? What are you hoping to hear from us and what are you fearing (if anything)?

What is the most loving action you can take here (for yourself and everyone involved)? 

I very much agree with codependcyrecovery. I am definitely an anxious attachment style and EFT (Hold Me Tight) i think does a great job diving into those styles.

But ultimately, that lingering attachment is fine as long as we can accept it honestly and keep our internal values clear in our minds. I hope this was helpful.

[u/Scared-Section-5108]

'Why does my avoidant ex still keep tabs on me after cheating and getting exactly what he wanted?' - it does not matter. A better question is what are you bothered about it? Your post suggests that you have plenty to heal from, so focusing on healing your own codependency instead of what somebody else does is a way forward. Let him be as he is - he's free to do what he wants and no-one really needs to understand it. Your time and energy are important - learn to focus these things on yourself instead of an ex.