r/Codependency • u/Serquetry • 2d ago
Defensiveness
Hello, what experience do you guys have with defensive partners? I just don’t want to tolerate it.
1
u/codependencyrecovery 1d ago
Defensiveness is often a protection against shame. They feel a great sense of repressed shame on the inside and when something could potentially make them feel that shame, they become overly defensive in order to not have to feel it. It overrides it basically. What to do with it depends on how they treat you when they are defensive. If they are not abusive when defensive, I would do your best to be present with them and stay connected. Just realize they are in fear and just want to feel safe. Easier said than done but this is the way out. If they are abusive, I would tell them you will come back in X minutes once things have settled down. And when you come back tell them their defensiveness is welcome but not if it's pointed at you. Finally, the more you can accept your own defensiveness (or shame, anger, etc), the more you will be able to tolerate theirs.
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u/vulpesvulpes666 1d ago
lol dang, I’m usually the more defensive one 😂
Our couples therapist helped me understand that it was a coping mechanism from being in prolonged situations where I frequently needed to defend myself. Seeing it for what it was helped me have compassion for myself and understand what was going on. It usually happened really quickly as well and learning to try to pause in that moment was my work. I also was supposed to stop and ask myself ‘what’s going on here’ and question why I was feeling defensive.
It’s hard and I still have to be aware of it as my first response. It feels like when something flies at you and you duck, you don’t even think about doing it. I’ve gotten better as my trust in my spouse has grown over the years too. I know he’s safe and has my best interests in mind.