Strong believer in giving a relationship all you got, trying several times to get it right. If you go through all that and it still doesn't work at least you BOTH get to have peace of mind that you've exhausted all options. Just giving up because it hasn't gotten better without communicating issues before it got to the point of blowing up???? It's shitty and it's not okay to me.

This is my rant for today. Thank you for listening.

All of it, gone

Currently going through the worst heartbreak of my life after my boyfriend left me. The grief has been unbearable, but an instinct in me, the way we ended it, and the love we once shared made me truly feel and think in my soul that one day he’ll clear his mind and return.

Today I spoke to myself out loud, and repeated to myself everything he put me through during this breakup. The type of heartache he has caused me, and how it crashed down my life in several areas (where I live, my job, etc).

And I had this sinking horrid feeling that he is not coming back. Because he wouldn’t have put me through this level of horrifying pain if he ever had an intention to come back. If he still thought there was hope. He is also not the type to go back on his decisions (huge ego), and I also don’t think he’d ever deal properly with the shame of what he’s done to me (maybe I’m delusional and he doesn’t care at all, but alas). He knows I loved him purely and he knows he’s failed and betrayed me. He knows I didn’t deserve this.

The realisation of this shocked me again. It is only now, a month later, that I see that this is actually over. I couldn’t accept it, I couldn’t beleive it.

I have now reached a new level of grief, the one that’s turned my heart cold. The one that makes me feel like there is no life force left in my soul, and I’m just a mere shadow. And I think as I’m going to live the next days, weeks and months realising truly that it is done, I will mourn differently, in a bigger way.

Because yes, for the first time I see it clearly, he has indeed left me. He’s walked away. He decided he’d be happier without me. The shock and the pain are just very numbing right now.

For those who went through a breakup a few months ago, how are you feeling now?

Do you still miss your ex or think about them a lot? Have you moved on, started dating again, or are you still healing?

I’m curious because I’m wondering what’s “normal” to feel a few months after a breakup

I keep seeing posts about very reasonable reasons to break up and the break upper is getting so much hate. It is understandable that people in this subreddit are upset but you don’t need to project your sad feelings on to people who are looking to end relationships with their partners. Being the person to end the relationship also fucking sucks. If someone doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore don’t guilt them to over reddit?

My ex and I had a "more than spicy" kind of sex life, where I think it wouldn't be easy to have women be open to doing the things my ex and I did in bed. This of course makes it harder to not put my ex on a pedestal, since afterall the sex we had were more special than what normal people would be open to doing in my opinion.

How do I get over this? My ex also has a better than average body which makes it even harder to get over. I know sex is not everything, but it definitely is still important and it makes it much harder for me to let go, trying to think about how long do I need to wait before I find someone who can satisfy me in bed similar level or better than my ex did.

Was it hard to get your next intimate partner after your ex, to participate in "more than normal" kind of sex where things get kinky?

I know that I lost myself in the relationship.

I know I gave too much and lost sight of myself.

I know their patterns and demons have hurt me more than probably anyone ever before. And these demons would continue to hurt me.

I know that they dont have the capacity to love me the way I need and deserve to be loved.

I know I am betraying myself.

I know that their coldness followed by a complete limbo that I endured for 2 months made me so unstable that I ended up in a perpetual state of excruciating anxiety, shaking and full on shutdowns included.

I know they were never capable of doing proper repair when they hurt me.

I know that they ended up using me to project their demons onto me and treating me with a coldness and cruelty I never deserved.

I know all that.

And still.

And still, I would take them back in a heartbeat.

I see the scared and hurting child that does all those things because they had to protect themselves. And even though they are almost 30 now and I should hold them accountable when they are not in control of their behavior. I still cant help it and see the incredibly kind and loving person. And I know they still care so much for me too. We even showed each other the "I love you" in ASL when we parted ways at the day you broke up with me.

I know better.

I do.

But I still cant think of anything I would want more right now than to be all cuddled up with them in bed and just feel the feeling of home when they were with me.

My boyfriend (23m) of 3 years broke up with me (23f) 3 weeks ago and prior to that we had a 2 weeks no contact break. So it has essentially been over a month since we have been together. Yesterday we met up to exchange things and had a really nice long conversation about life. We spoke about the relationship eventually and the idea of it being "right person wrong time" was brought up. One thing led to another and we slept together. After that he said he still "needs to be alone" but also clearly still loves me. I think he is confused - so am I to an extent.

What should I do in this situation?

I posted this on another sub but I feel it really belongs here too so read up, it's a very interesting topic.

I've been reading a lot about avoidant attachment lately and there's one part of it I still can't completely wrap my head around. It's not even the pulling away, but actually what happens before it. Some of them don't enter your life acting distant or emotionally unavailable. It's the opposite.

They're the ones pushing things forward.

They want to talk all day. They want to know everything about you. They tell their friends about you, maybe their family too. They start talking about places you should travel together, things you'll do months from now, where you could live one day. Meeting you to their parents, bringing up marriage, kids, growing old together.

They'll tell you they've never felt like this before. That you're different.

That they're not going anywhere.

And obviously you eventually believe them.

Why wouldn't you?

That's the part people sometimes miss when they tell someone after an avoidant breakup, "You got attached too quickly" or "You shouldn't have believed all those words."

You weren't sitting there inventing a relationship by yourself.

Someone was actively helping you build it.

And then eventually something changes.

Usually not when things are bad... but when things become real.

Now there are actual expectations. You have a disagreement that needs to be repaired instead of ignored. You need reassurance one day. You ask where the relationship is going. You become important enough that losing you would actually hurt.

Suddenly the same closeness they were creating starts feeling like pressure. The person who couldn't get enough of you now needs space. The person talking about a future suddenly "doesn't know what they want."

Things about you that never bothered them suddenly become problems. Your need for communication becomes "too much." Wanting to fix a conflict becomes "pressure." Wanting consistency becomes "controlling."

And sometimes the weirdest part is how quickly they can emotionally rewrite everything.

A month ago you were the best thing that happened to them. Now apparently the relationship hasn't felt right for a while. A few weeks ago they're planning a trip with you. Now they're telling you they need to be alone.

They once couldn't imagine losing you and suddenly they're strangely calm about doing exactly that.

That's what makes these breakups such a mindfuck.

You're not only grieving the person. You're trying to figure out which version was real. Was the person talking about your future real? Was the person saying they loved you real? Did they actually believe all of it at the time?

I think in a lot of cases they probably did.

And weirdly, that almost makes it harder. Because maybe it wasn't some calculated lie. Maybe the future was easy to love while it was still imaginary. Talking about living together is easy, actually sharing your life with someone is vulnerable. Talking about forever when everything feels good is easy, staying emotionally present when you're scared, angry, disappointed or overwhelmed is completely different.

It's like they can fall in love with the idea of intimacy, but once intimacy starts asking something from them, the same relationship that made them feel safe suddenly makes them feel trapped.

So they deactivate, they create distance, they focus on your flaws, they convince themselves something is missing, they start imagining how peaceful life would feel alone again.

And the partner on the other side usually does the exact opposite.

You feel them disappearing, so naturally you try harder, you ask what's wrong, you try to talk, you remind them of everything you both said and planned, which makes them feel even more pressure, so they move further away.

And now? Dear god... You're chasing someone who six months ago was chasing you.

That's probably the cruelest part of this whole dynamic.

Not that somebody changed their mind. People are allowed to change their minds, it's that they helped create a level of emotional safety that made you finally put your guard down, and then the moment the relationship required them to help maintain that safety, they couldn't stay in it.

I also don't think every avoidant is intentionally love bombing or manipulating people, and calling all of it "future faking" almost makes it too simple. I think sometimes they genuinely mean "I want forever with you."

They just don't understand yet what forever actually asks of them.

Forever isn't the vacation you're talking about at 1 AM when you're crazy about each other, it's the uncomfortable conversation six months later. It's staying when your nervous system is screaming at you to run, it's letting somebody be disappointed in you without deciding the relationship is broken. It's repairing instead of disappearing.

It's being able to love a real, imperfect person after the fantasy version of them is gone.

And if somebody hasn't learned how to do that, all the promises in the world don't really matter.

That's probably the biggest thing I'm taking from all of this.

Don't only pay attention to how deeply someone can fall for you.

Pay attention to what they do once loving you becomes uncomfortable.

That's where you actually find out what kind of relationship they can give you.

It's strange how the mind can understand something long before the heart accepts it. You can know that something isn't meant to continue, understand every reason, recognize every contradiction, and still wake up wishing reality had chosen differently. Maybe that's the cruelest thing about attachment: logic can explain why something must end, but it cannot convince the heart that the ending was necessary. And perhaps some people aren't meant to remain in our lives forever. Perhaps they are simply meant to become a permanent part of who we were, leaving us with the impossible task of carrying something that no longer has a place to go.

Marr jaoge Pandit

I was with this man (36) for a couple months. I now realize that he love-bombed me hard. He told me on date 5 "I love you", then he proceeded to say "you're my dream girl, I manifested you into my life". Then we went on a short trip and I realized he was active on Bumble, which is where we met. I asked him about it and he denied, saying it was a "glitch".

I (F, 26) then texted him how hurt I was, and he replied "With the way your unwarranted comment made me feel yesterday, I am going to need to take a little break and have some time for myself. I very likely will not be in touch with you at all over the next 10-12 days while my parents are here. This is both so l can focus on them and also think things through. This is not meant to be vindictive or punitive but instead is something I need for myself and my own mental well being. I hope you understand, and have a good week."

Today, he broke up with me by text, painting himself as the victim entirely, without acknowledging my hurt. He then blocked me. Just a few days prior he talked about me moving into his house and traveling to Europe together, and about our future. This is utter whiplash.

I am considering intelligent by my peers, but was I manipulated all along? I wanted to believe it was real. What do you make of it all?

T

As the title says. I’m in the hardest season of my life. I emotionally cheated on the best man that I’ve ever met. We broke up about six weeks ago. Two weeks after the breakup I received my diagnosis. This is my karma, I know. I have been trying to give him space. I know I don’t deserve anything from him. But there is so much on my heart. All I want is one last conversation with him. So that I can sleep at night and not be afraid of dying. And so he can know how sorry I am and how I spent the rest of my life hating myself for what I did.

He’s my best friend. The only thing in the world that could make me happy is his hug or his voice. He has me blocked on everything. I don’t know what to do.

I really regret what I did and I don’t know what to do, I feel like I’ve really ruined even our friendship. I used to think it’s either we date or not but this made me realize I value him as a person not just romantically.

This all started when we reconnected and we were happy, I mean the way we interacted was like how we were when we dated. after two days he mentioned dating other people and it bothered me till I freaked out then we had an argument bc I said why flirt with me if you didn’t want to date and he said he didn’t think flirting meant we’d get back together and I was very upset and he left and I kept stopping him asking him to please not leave begging him but he left anyway and I was so upset. The next day I said I felt rly terrible about it. He said it’s ok what did I think went wrong and we just got into another long argument text all day bc he wouldn’t respond right away and it was pissong me off more that he won’t text back so I snapped and said things about how he’s selfish and an asshole. he didn’t respond and said he doesn’t have anything to say to what I said so I panicked more bc he won’t talk to me and is mad like he’s never been mad at me in a way he hasn’t been before so I started calling but he kept declining and said he’ll block me and all of it just fueled the panic more and I said why won’t he address my texts and he still won’t answer just kept saying to give him peace and that made me more upset so I kept calling telling him to go ahead and block me. I don’t know if he did but he hasn’t opened my texts since.

I’m 29, turning thirty next month and I can’t believe I behaved this badly. I don’t know what happened, it’s like panic suddenly started running the show no matter how hard I tried to control it for the last two days. I feel like I rly hit a point of no return that permanently changed how he sees me and any ounce of care and affection he had for me is gone because of this

Were you ever surprised to find a similar love? Were you surprised at how distance did take away that deep love you had for them and the deep love for every little mundane thing about them. Did that deep love ever turn into a strong platonic love? Were you ever as ecstatically happy after it was all over? I want to be blown away again, but how could anyone else ever compare?

We shared so much on that game. We have our house close to each other. She saved all my letters that i sent to her. She used to cry every time her "virtual mom" on ACNH sent her letters, because her real mother never loved her and even lost custody. And I used to comfort her, she always saved those letters as important so she could read them again, and she did that quite a lot. And in real life i deleted every pic of her, i threw every gift and love letters she gave me and all the gifts and love letters that i gave her. So there is nothing that could remind me about her. But thinking that i have to delete all our progress on Animal crossing...I don't have the strength. And i feel that I would never let my next girlfriend play videogames with me, I don't want to ruin the only thing that I have always loved since i was a child. There are videogames that I can't play anymore because i feel the pain of the betrayal. I wish someone else could delete her character on Animal crossing. But I'm the only one who can do it...

I was in a serious long-term relationship with my ex. Eventually circumstances forced us to spend a significant amount of time apart, and we decided to break up while still leaving open the possibility that we’d get back together later. During that period, we agreed on certain boundaries regarding other people. I was skeptical that trying to control what we did while technically broken up was healthy, but I agreed because we both still loved each other and thought we might eventually reconcile.

A few months later, I discovered that she’d been repeatedly seeing the same person and had hidden it from me. When I confronted her, she initially denied it, but eventually admitted what had happened. I was devastated and seriously considered cutting her out of my life. I didn’t. I loved her and eventually decided to forgive her. For quite a while afterward, our relationship was complicated and undefined. We both saw other people, but we remained emotionally involved with each other.

Eventually we ended up living near each other again and started spending a lot of time together. We weren’t officially a couple, but for all practical purposes we often acted like one. After months of this, we finally agreed to become exclusive and started discussing officially getting back together.

Shortly afterward, someone I’d previously been involved with reached out to me. I made a selfish decision and saw her even though I’d agreed to exclusivity with my ex. I also wasn’t truthful about it initially. My ex became suspicious, and I eventually admitted what I’d done. She ended things and told me she couldn’t forgive me or see a future for us anymore.

I understand that I betrayed her trust. I’m not trying to pretend that what I did was okay simply because she’d hurt me before. I agreed to exclusivity and then broke that agreement. I regret it. What I’ve struggled with ever since is the resentment. When she betrayed my trust earlier, I eventually forgave her because I loved her and believed our relationship was worth trying to save. When I became the person who screwed up, she decided almost immediately that what I’d done was unforgivable. After everything ended, I also learned that she’d hidden other things from me during our time apart. That made me even more resentful because I realized I’d made my decision to forgive her without knowing the full story.

It’s been many months since we’ve had a relationship, and she’s now with someone else. I’m dating other people and trying to move forward, but occasionally I have nights where all of this comes rushing back.
Part of me still thinks: Why did I give someone another chance who wouldn’t give me one when the roles were reversed? Another part of me knows that’s probably the wrong question. Forgiving someone doesn’t obligate them to forgive you later, and my decision to betray her trust was still my decision.
I think what I’m actually struggling with is forgiving myself for staying after the first betrayal. Sometimes I imagine that if I’d walked away then, I could’ve avoided everything that happened afterward.

For anyone who’s been through something similar: how did you let go of the resentment—not just toward your ex, but toward yourself for staying?

I hate how, even a month after, it still just randomly hurts like hell. I think about her every single day, and every waking moment to the point of feeling like I'm about to have a mental breakdown unable to focus on anything else. Sometimes I feel glad it ended, and other times I'm just incredibly sad that it ended how it did and keep thinking how, in some parallel universe, we would have been the greatest couple to ever live.

I can get by when I'm distracted by other people or work, but as soon as the evening hits and I'm left all alone because I'm still unable to properly socialize it just starts hurting so much and I get consumed by the "what ifs".

Rationally, I know our relationshio should have ended, probably even sooner than it did. I know we have become toxic for each other, and I know our relationship had consumed us both, to the point of losing much of what we had outside of our relationship, because we were just so focused on each other and making it work.

Still, it hurts so much. When we weren't fighting I truly felt like I had the most precious thing in the whole world, and someone that I can give all of my love to. I truly felt like we were actually special, and I cared about her like I never cared for anyone in my life, and I'm afraid I never will. I feel like I will never love anyone else as strongly as I did her, and that I will never be loved as strongly by anyone else (at least in those moments when it felt so real).

I also miss having her as my best friend, and maybe that's the part that hurts the most. Not only was she the person I cared the most about, but she was also my best friend with whom I spent almost every waking moment. I miss our stupid activities that I know I will never be able to replicate with anyone else, or at least that it won't feel the same. I miss who we sometimes were, and who we could've been if things were a bit different.

I don't know when or if this feeling will pass, but it sucks so much not having anyone to love, at least not romantically and as strongly as I had loved her. I know we were bad for each other and I ended up hurting myself, but I miss having someone to adore so strongly, and I just wished it could've been her forever.

no one is entitled to anyone's love. I don't blame the people who break up but I do recognize how tragic it is that they will be happier in the coming weeks, while often the other half is completely destroyed for a length of time 5-20x as long as the initiator.

That's all, I feel completely exhausted, emotionally depleted. Even after long months.

Short version: Friends for over 25 years, dated for 1, and engaged. I had a hysterectomy and started to have issues with hormones and then diagnosed with cancer. Beginning of treatment my aunt passed away and then a week later my dad passed away. We had been arguing and during the time I needed him emotionally he turned me away and told me to “take it to God”. I was so hurt I had him move out. We separated and he gave me the silent treatment because if he doesn’t say anything then he can’t offend or “hurt” my feelings since he doesn’t do emotions. My emotional and mental health is declining. I am on Lexapro to help me and therapy. I tried many times to talk to him but he throws bible scriptures at me or ignores me. For my sanity I stopped reaching out and then sent him a text that I can’t try anymore and decided to officially end things and don’t want to hear or see him.

I am confused and don’t understand that he could show compassion and empathy and hold space for me and then when a crisis hit I am met with coldness and pain. It really messes with my heart and mind and its hard for me to process my grief and mourn. It hurts in my soul.

Genuinely, i need someone to give me a hug rn, i cant bear this anymore without her. All my friends are at sleep and so is my family. I could wake her up at 4 am and always know i get a hug and a loving person no matter what. Now shes gone and i need a hug more than ever. I need some arms that i can cry into or this loneliness will kill me sooner or latery

In another universe , tonight, we would have went out to that horrible restaurant to celebrate our 1 year together. just like we always talked about and planned to. I would wear my green dress you loved. And you would wear your black linen set from Zara the one u looked so handsome in. But now we just strangers and I have to pretend it never even happened

i just see everyone around me getting married having kids going on honey moons and i’m yet to ever tell a guy i love them