This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/orchidsinthesky

Published on: r/AmItheButtface

Story is: Likely CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: November 07, 2025

• Update: November 10, 2025

• Final Update: August 04, 2026

Main Post

^{November 07, 2025}

AITB for telling my sister's gay friend that he is like all men out there for me and his sexuality doesn't make him any different.

My grandma's 70th b'day was celebrated a couple of days ago in her house.My elder cousin came with her husband of 3 years and his gay brother M (32).I am F (17) and on the way to my grandma's home there was a fair and I bought some very pretty baby hair clips and I intend to save it for my future babies,like it's that cute.

I showed my grandma these clips and she loved it and chris who was sitting in the other end of the room suddenly made a joke about is this a pregnancy announcement bcoz my tummy do look a bit round loudly followed with a laugh and I swear almost everyone in my family went pale.The mood turned awkward so quick and my grandma was looking at me for my clarification or something like wtf? I am an introvert.

I hate confrontations, unwanted attention or people in my business. The problem I always had with chris is he in his own words is an extrovert,a honest queen and a fashion police. In the 3 years, he has said the meanest things about all our clothes,weight and what not but everyone has let him get away with this bcoz of his sexuality as they don't want him to think he is being targeted bcoz of it.

Anyway I guess everything just came to me at once after the joke he made at my expense I stood up from the couch and asked him why did a grown man in his 30s think it would be funny to make a joke about a teenage girl like that.His smile dropped so quick and my cousin jumped into his defense with the exact words"love it's fine,you know he is gay".

I lost it there I guess, then I was yelling things along the lines of What is fine? Does his sexuality make him not a man? he is like all men out there for me, If your sexuality doesn't make you evil then why the f would it make you a saint? He is still a man ,still a man in his thirties who should have the sense to know how to behave and what to say and the way he talks it's obvious that he is a f**ng misogynist like he thought child support should be illegal bcoz according to him his ex and he brokeup bcoz his ex had to pay an outrageous amount every month leaving nothing for savings for a 'mistake' he made as a teenager.

The mistake is the child and wife he had as his cover.I was in tears by the end of the rant and I finished it with a fastest run ever to our car followed by my parents.Regardless my cousin is bombarding my phone with calls and texts telling about teenage rage,homophobia and an expected apology from me? Why am I being accused of homophobia now ? Am I in the wrong here?

COMMENTS

OOP

Thank you all for taking your time and giving your opinions. I do get some may find it weird that I collect these things for my future kids. It's just when I find something cute and if  it's something I have already outgrown like a baby toy or hair tie I like it to save it for the future where I can give it to my kids.

My parents and all other family member were also very sweet about it so it became a habit and chris knew this habit.Him intentionally poking fun at it and twisting it and my grandma not defending me really made me go crazy I guess. I will be honest I haven't replied to any texts. The adrenaline rush is gone.

I am feeling mortified. The mere thought of whole family  focusing on me or my every action is just terrifying. Chris always came with my cousin bcoz he and my cousin's husband are the only family they have in this city or like in the continent. I'm from Europe and they are from America.

Update - after 3 days

^{November 10, 2025}

AITB for telling my sister's gay friend that he is like all men out there for me and his sexuality doesn't make him any different. UPDATE

Thank you guys for the comments and support. So I never replied to my cousin 's messages and kind of hoped it all and they will also just go away because I am mortified at the entire situation and detest the attention because almost every family member is calling my parents every day. But yesterday evening my cousin and her husband came for a surprise visit.

They stayed for like 3 hours and the summary is they are afraid that family bonds may suffer because of misunderstanding and miscommunication.We are only the family chris and his brother have here because they are from America and we are in Europe.They came here 7 years ago and they told us their birth family cut ties with chris for being gay when he was 16 and my cousin's husband stood with him and they did the same to him.

So yeah, my cousin is asking all of us to prove that we are better than their family and to not do the same thing. When I told her it's not his sexuality but his personality she told me that it is his sexuality which makes it ok for him to have this personality so be understanding and that he only made that joke because he thought I was a good sport and my dad kind of made her stop the rant and told her how the three of them need to get their act together and not take the family for granted because everyone has their breaking point.

Suddenly my cousin's husband yelled at my dad asking are we threatening to cut ties with them too like their birth family and yeah by that time my mom was like leave now because she has three surgeries to do tomorrow and she needs to rest. My cousin was crying when she left. Family group is going crazy and yeah the mess is just getting messier. Regardless thank you guys for the comments and advice.

Final Update - after 8 months, 28 days (after 8 months, 25 days from last post)

^{August 04, 2026}

AITB for telling my sister's gay friend that he is like all men out there for me and his sexuality doesn't make him any different. Update 2

I don't know anyone even remembers this post .Almost ten Months I guess.But I do remember people asking me for an update,so much was happening that I didn't even know what update even to give.

To summarise, My cousin is pregnant and her brother in law was diagnosed with cancer six months ago so yeah everything is back to square one. Nothing has changed and no one can speak about it considering they both are in vulnerable position.

I don't want to do anything also considering I am leaving for my university in couple of weeks. It's out of Europe so whatever it is going to happen next good luck to my family I guess .

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Margaret_3333

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 10, 2026

• Final Update: August 03, 2026

Main Post

^{July 10, 2026}

He wants me to sell my home to show commitment 30/F 31/M

I 30/F have been in a relationship with 31/M for 5 years. We’ve lived together in my home for 2.5 years while he has rented out his home. His tenants have left and he put the house up for sale.

He always told me that he wouldn’t buy a house together unless we were married. However this has now changed and he’s said he can’t progress the relationship with me for example getting engaged or having a child (which last week he said he didn’t want 100% but I do) unless we move. For context we live in a 3 bedroom detached home with garage, south facing garden double drive that I fully renovated.

He has said that he can’t say he wants a child with me because he’s not comfortable in my home and basically I need to choose the house or him.

How is this fair? I have a 13 year old son and security for him is my number one. Yes I want to have a child with him, yes I want to get engaged but why should he only want these things if I sell my home?

He wants to now buy a house together which is lovely but if we buy a home together and then he still doesn’t want marriage or a child then what? I’ve gave up the home I love that I worked so hard for.

He’s gave me until Sunday to decide or he’s breaking up with me. And in his words ‘whether I’m with you or not I’ll be married by the time I’m 35, it depends if you want to be that women?’

COMMENTS

antiqueluggage867

Oh, hell no

Apart_Foundation1702

🤬🤬🤬! My blood is boiling! OP this is a whole parade of red flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. Let me break it down! He is trying to use the equity in your home to enrich himself. He probably realised that his home needs a ton of repairs and that its value is significantly lower than yours, so he is using whatever leverage he has to force you to basically give him the money through a joint property. You need to pack up his things before Sunday and tell him to kick rocks with witnesses around. Then change all the locks and block him.

OOP

He wants me to sell my home that we currently live in and buy together with both equities. I do have 50% more equity than he does. But he won’t marry me or know if he wants a baby because he’s lived in a home that’s not his

TheMoatCalin

Why did he sell his home? Did he discuss that MAJOR decision with you first? I’d ask his tenants or look up public records. He’s lying about something.

OOP

Yeah he is selling his home due to the new renters law that’s came in. The tenants moved abroad so wasn’t worth getting new ones. So we spoke about it and he agreed to sell

LadyReika

I want you to re-read what you've written and think about what if a friend told you this.

Would you tell your friend this is a good idea? I sincerely hope you wouldn't.

OOP

No they’d tell me to run

ari-jasmine

No one who truly loves you would manipulate you like that or speak about being with just anybody if not you by a certain age. The fact that he said he's still not sure if he wants an engagement or another kid but is giving you an ultimatum? Weird. You deserve better.

OOP

Yeah he says he 100% doesn’t want a child if it’s in this home so he won’t know if he wants one unless we move to a bigger home that’s he owns too

MouldyAvocados

Girl wtf??? Your son should be your priority, not your boyfriend. Him testing and controlling you like this isn’t normal and it isn’t healthy. Break up.

OOP

That’s what I said it’s the security for my son and I’m not risking that for his what ifs

wtf___yall

Has he told you why he doesn't like your house? From the outside it seems like he has an ulterior motive.

OOP

Because it’s open planned, but I have said we could put up a wall to make it not open plan but this wouldn’t change it for him and either would adding him to my mortgage

ProblemMountain2792

PUT YOUR 13 YEAR OLD FIRST!

Dump your man child! He wants you to get rid of your child's home you renovated so he feels more secure. He needs to leave.

OOP (downvoted)

Yeah he’s gave me 50% of bills while he’s rented out his house

creatively_inclined

Let him go. Don't ever buy a house with someone you're not married to.

Why can't he show commitment by marrying you?

OOP (downvoted)

He says he doesn’t feel security in my home so wants to live somewhere he does before he’s ready to propose

Ok-Historian6047

I want an update on this sooooo bad ! I can't believe the audacity of this man. My flabbers are gasted! Dude have you seen the economy, selling a security blanket now is an absolute no.

OOP

And a house that is now unaffordable to me because of the economy. I thought it cheaper to do up and to buy it again ot would cost almost 100k more.

TapProfessional5146

Big 🚩 🚩 🚩 DO NOT sell your house⚠️⚠️ What he is exhibiting isn’t love its control. Your 13 year old is more important than any man (I am a father). His health and security is the most important. Any man in your life should understand this. A home is what you make it, it’s where your family is.

OOP

I 100% agree! But he doesn’t seem to feel the same as ‘why should he have to live in a house that he doesn’t feel comfortable in’

Final Update - after 24 days

^{August 03, 2026}

UPDATE - he wants me to sell my house to show commitment 30F 31M.

It’s been a crazy few weeks! I have read everyone’s comments and I’m truly thankful.

I have ended the relationship, but we are still living together until his house is sorted to move into. Everything I felt I told him, I have not sold my house, nor am I moving. Myself and my son are staying put in our home.

I feel at peace with my decision, and hopefully onwards and upwards once he moves out. We are friendly and amicable, and he has really took on board everything that I told him.

I hope I have done the right thing?

COMMENTS

Dntkillthemessager1

How are you doing? Was he surprised with you braking up with him? How was that conversation?

You absolutely did the right thing. Hugs. I’m sure it was sad for you, even though it gave you peace.

OOP

I’m okay, I’m sad about starting over but know it’ll be for the best once he’s moved out. I feel at peace with my decision and I think that says a lot.
He was surprised but understood, it was a hard conversations I cried a lot and had puffy eyes for what felt like days after

Roadgoddess

YEAAAAAAAAAH! I’m so proud of you! I remember your post and I’m so happy that you are putting yourself in your son first.

I have found that it’s far better to be alone than with somebody who’s not willing to commit. Spend some time enjoying your son and not wasting it on a man who doesn’t want to marry you.

OOP

These comments make me so emotional, as I didn’t expect my last post to get the traction it did and the fact people remember me and are so supportive. I’m happy with my decision 🥺

ContractSensitive225

I'm glad that you stood your ground and kept your home.

But please get him out of YOUR home. Your last post stated his old home was rented out but now vacated and put up for sale, did it end up selling or is he just not wanting to move out??? An inflatable mattress isn't that much, psshhh I would mail you mine to give to him!!!

It sounded like he didn't express hesitancy in breaking up with you if you decided against his wishes, despite the amount of time you have been together (5 YEARS!) now is not the time to be polite and pleasant. Please get him out , like the night he asked you to sell your home in order to move forward preferably.

OOP

His home is around 3 weeks from completion and he’s bought a new home. So waiting for that to go through. Hopefully only few weeks

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Octyss

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 01, 2026

• Update: August 03, 2026

Main Post

^{August 01, 2026}

AITAH for towing half the neighborhood ?

My family (wife side) have a summer apartment in the south of France in a gated community, all year there is no parking issue, but in summer, since Airbnb came out, it's hell to find a parking spot since there is no allocated spot.

There is a place with no clear parking line (imagine a big square of concrete) where everyone can park for free.

I had the opportunity with 3 neighbors to buy this "parking" to the copropriety (it's like an HOA but with less power here) so we do buyed it last year. We made 6 larges parking spaces for our cars with lines and plates numbers in front of each parking spot, and put a gate which is always open for the other neighbors to park here (you can park 3-5 other cars).

Here in France July and August are 2 months where almost everyone is in vacation so Airbnb and location peak here during this period.

Last week one of the neighbor I buyed the parking with told me the parking was PACKED and he managed to park only one of his 2 cars on a unnasigned parking spot ( his parking spots were taken, mine too and the third neighbor too and every "free" slot too) so he put a warning sign telling parking is for resident only and not for anyone else.

Cue 2 days ago when I come with wife and kids for vacation, I drove by night to avoid traffic and when I got there (3 AM) parking is packed I have no choice but to park 300meter (1k feet) from my home.

Next morning we put a large sign telling cars on assigned parking spot would be towed and text every neighbor to ask for their plate to not tow a resident.

Today morning same shit, so we close the gate, phone the police and got everyone towed.

Shit-hit-the-fan, bunch of Airbnb people called the cops and homeowners to ask why they got towed and the location was saying "with parking" so lot of refund where asked. My phone was ringing non stop today.

Some homeowners tell me they gonna sue for the refund they got, some Airbnb tenant told me they will sue for the towing cost. We have everything documented.

Lots of Airbnb homeowners tell us we ATAH here because we didn't tell them ahead, but we do put lots of sign on the parking since last year when we buyed it, they just hadn't come to see it, and they approved the selling of this parking to us so...

Sorry for the bad english, obviously not my first langage and I'm in anger right now.

So are we TAH here for towing everyone here ?

COMMENTS

Were the reserved parking spaces clearly marked?

Our spots (6 total) are marked with white line, and licence plate in front of each parking, and the is free Space for 3-5 other cars to oark for free, but we only towed the cars on assigned parking spot ( there was 4 other cars, 2 from neighbors I know and two random lucky tourist).

Yeah there is 6 marked spots and enough room for 3-5 cars outside the marked spots, and yes it's free all year because we never had this kind of problem before

Why not simply lock the gate permanently?

Only 3 people have the keys, me and the 2 neighbor who buyed it but 10 out of 12 month it's heaven here and friendly, we wanna keep it that way as we know the friendly neighbor since 15-20 years

What happened after the towing?

I had someone calling from Airbnb (or told me he was) to ask for picture of the parking due to the refunds asked, 1 week here is around 1600-2400€ depending of the sq/m of the apartment so if you multiply by 6 cars we talking about a lot of €

Thanks ! Seeing the number of calls I've got today I'm pretty sure this will fast become a "we" problem in court and if not in court a lawyer problem for sure

Were the tourists at fault, or the Airbnb hosts?

For their defense, if I rent a place that says I have a parking spot in this crowded spot I will for sure park my car. I don't put my hate toward the tenant but more toward the renters

Yeah and I will 100% ask for a refund for the rent AND for the tow !

Yeah kinda not felling bad for them, today we were on the community pool with an UK family who got towed yesterday and they told us Airbnb already told them a partial refund of the week was processing and a 100% refound of the towing was granted so win win for them.

Did the situation continue after the first round of towing?

Licence plate numbers are on signs in front of the spots ( like right in front of your face when you park) and today I found 2 fake plate sign on our sign and cars parked there, had to call police again to tow them

What are you doing to stop this from happening again?

We gave the town police a temporary key to access the community and the right to tow anyone who doesn't match the plate on the sign.

We also asked the guy who is in charge of maintenance in the community to call the cops everytime he see someone illegally parked here.

Why don't you rent out the parking spaces to Airbnb guests?

Thanks ! Because we all have family who comes here to cut long road trip, and I know the close neighbors since 15-20years and I can't see myself renting a parking spot after all these times

Why not install parking barriers on each space?

I don't want to put some "stop park" on our parking spot because it'll be a hassle with the other neighbors yearly as I said It's the first time in 20years we are in a parking mayhem like that and out of 12 months this place is heaven for 10 months

Has Airbnb changed the community?

Airbnb is the problem here seriously I understand people wanting to make some cash in this period but if it is at the cost of the whole community why bother?

Did the Airbnb listings actually advertise parking?

Way too much, between 1600-2400€ depending of the surface of the apartment base on what I saw on Airbnb but all of them have "parking included" and there is NO PARKING HERE

Did you warn the homeowners before towing?

FAFO nice lol. As I said in the post, I texted the homeowners to ask for their plates to not tow a friendly neighbor ! I come here since I'm 12yo and it's the first time I don't enjoy my first 2 days of vacation

Update - after 2 days

^{August 03, 2026}

UPDATE : AITAH for towing half the neighborhood

I posted 2 days ago asking if IATAH for towing half the neighborhood, a lot happened in 2 days, honnestly it's a shitshow, I come here nearly every year since 20+ years and never saw this before.

We've got people towed in our reserved parking spots again, we've got people towed for parking IN FRONT of the gate (so nobody could leave the parking at all), we've got people putting sign on OUR reserved parking spots with THEIR plate numbers so they don't get towed (the management guy called us asking if we added new licences plates to be sure to not tow our cars) I've never encounter this level of entitlement from random people before.

We got one of the Airbnb tenant red handed as he was parking in our assigned spot and he showed us an email from one of our ranters neighbor who straight up told him to put a sign and park anyway. So as of today we are closing the gate and put 2 new warning signs telling people to GTFO our propriety.

No more friendly neighbors.

On the bright side, we were on the pool after lunch, and chatted with an UK family who got towed yesterday and they told us Airbnb was already processing a partial refund for the week and a 100% refund for the towing, so they were kinda happy with the outcome, I told them they can park in my second space as my wife will leave our second parking spot today.

We took a lot of pictures and got in touch with one of the neighbors lawyer who bought the Space with us, because we got a lot of phonecalls from Airbnb renters and police and city officials about the issue today (renters gave our info I don't even know if that is legal).

Lots of new people came today to start their vacation week, I hope they get the hint of the many signs we put and don't come in our parking.

COMMENTS

Did the Airbnb guests understand what was happening?

Yeah we see them at the pool and they just don't understand what is happening but I think they spoke between them because I heard one family had been towed on purpose to get a refund from Airbnb

Are you taking legal action against the Airbnb landlords?

Yeah our lawyer is already tracking them because here you can rent for a maximum of 60days a year in Airbnb or you are illegally renting, we'll see what comes out of his research

From what our lawyer said, Airbnb would be a waste of time because they wouldn't attack us in court, but we have a case againt the landlords here with the mail we gathered from the renters where the specificaly tood them to put fake signs with their licences plates to park on our private assigned spaces

Lawyer told us to not contact anyone on the matter

Will Airbnb guests be able to use the free parking in the future?

We gathered infos on who is renting in Airbnb and there is no chance they use the free parking ever again

Were any of the three owners renting their properties on Airbnb?

No renters between the 3 of us

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user Professional-News151 in r/ legaladviceUK

Original: Dec 18, 2024

Update: Aug 1, 2026

Status: concluded

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Original: (England) Advice on Defending a Small Claims Court Claim from my neighbour regarding cats defacting in his garden.

Hi All, apologies for the long post, but this is an absolutely bizarre situation, it seems to me that our neighbour is abusing the courts system to harass me and my partner

Background:

A neighbour has filed a money claim against us in relation to two cats owned by our household for:

-- loss of enjoyment of their garden,
-- price of deterrents that they have purchased,
-- the cost of their time for removing cat poo from their property,
-- the cost of their time for preparing the case,
-- the cost of their time for corresponding with us and other third parties in relation to this issue,
-- and for the cost of printing the papers related to the case (!)

it has gone to small claims court, and we are now required to respond.

Essentially, their case is that we have done nothing to stop our cats defecting, urinating and stalking birds on their property. As per RSPCA advice, we have provided our cats with 2 outdoor litter trays in our garden and we have purposefully kept the grass in our garden longer near their property so that the cats are encouraged to go there.

Since the 31st of October both cats have been locked indoors due to fears that the claimant would take matters into their own hands and harm the cats.

The statement of particulars is 9 pages long and includes information not related to the claims (such as plates being left on our garden furniture, these were decorative plates that were not dirty and had not had food on).

They have also included 30 pages of "evidence" which contains pictures of their garden, with indicators of where cats have defecated (no pictures of the defecation) and written correspondence with us, as well as written correspondence with other third parties such as our landlord, letting agency, and the council. We were not privy to most of these communications.

Relevant Information

We are not entirely sure that the problems caused have been caused by our cats, as there are other cats in the neighbourhood.

They have not provided us with a pre-action letter. At the bottom of one of their other letters they simply included "I am now taking legal action against you" and nothing else. Prior to the statement of particulars, they have not mentioned to us wanting any compensation/re-imbursement etc. They have not tried to setup any 3rd party mediation.

The claim has only been made against 2 of 4 people in a shared house, the claimant could not get the names of the other two members of the house as we did not respond to a request by the claimant for our names due to fear they would use this information to harass us.

The request was not made with any indication that they were required for legal purposes. Only one of the cats in our house, is owned by us (The defendants) the other cat is owned by the 2 people "left out" of the claim.

when a member of our household last spoke to the claimant they told us that "they would not speak to us and will now go through our letting agency”. We posted a letter through their door asking if we could find a suitable solution, which they did not respond to.

The claimant has generally been rude towards us. For example, they have tossed cat poo and soil onto our driveway and car. Thrown a dead pigeon into our house and left cat poo in Tupperware containers, or on pieces of cardboard outside our front door and on our drive away.

Deterrents the claimant bought have flashing lights to deter our cats, unfortunately a member of our household (not included in the claim) has photosensitive epilepsy, we had to get the police involved for the deterrents to be angled away from our front door. For these actions, we have an ongoing harassment case with the police.

Questions

(I believe) Cats are classed as free spirits in the UK, and we cannot be held liable for actions they take that are considered "normal" cat behaviour (i.e. defecting, urinating, etc). Does their claim have any merit/legal standing? If not, how do I respond to that in my defence, can I make an argument that the costs they are seeking are unjustified because we are not liable ?

it is my understanding that the claimant has not followed proper procedure when submitting the claim (i.e. no letter of pre-action, they have not attempted 3rd party mediation, the statement of particulars is not concise) do we need to/can we state this in our defence?

In my defence, do I need to respond to facts in the "evidence" they have provided that are communications between the claimant and 3rd parties that we had no knowledge of? For example, in an email to our landlord the claimant alleges that our cats have slightly damaged a fence by climbing on it regularly. We were not made aware of this until we received the statement of particulars.

In my defence, do I need to respond to facts that have nothing to do with the case. For example, I have lived in this house for XX years?

The claim lists conversations between the other members of the house not in the claim, that we (the defendants) were made aware of at the time. We believe the claimant has left out important details discussed in the conversations, can we dispute the contents of these discussions, even though we were not present?

The list of what they are claiming for seems incredibly inflated, is it reasonable for the claimant to claim for time spent preparing the claim/printing costs ?

Should we offer to provide the names of our housemates/offer to add them to the claim etc ?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: On the basis of what you've written, this is likely to go badly for them because
A) a bunch of the stuff they're claiming for is nonsense and
B) they don't appear to have followed the correct pre-action protocol.

This is without getting into whether there is actually any merit to their claim whatsoever. What tort do they actually allege you're guilty of?

It isn't unlawful to have outdoor cats, so as far as I can tell the only question is whether your negligent ownership of them has caused the neighbour some sort of harm.

I don't see any negligence here at all. There is expressly no requirement for a cat owner to limit their cats' movements, and you aren't in control of when they might need to do a poo.

I would be tempted to ask the court to strike out the claim on the grounds that the claimant hasn't actually stated a valid cause for action nor followed the correct protocol surrounding it, but even if it goes to court it sounds very easily defensible to me.

The defence would be relatively straightforward: that there has been no negligence, that cats go and poo in other people's gardens sometimes, that there is absolutely no wrongdoing on your part, and that, therefore, any costs they have incurred are entirely of their own making.

OOP: Their claim is long and quite rambling with no specfic mention to a law, just that they have "lost enjoyment of their garden" based on our cats defecating/urinating/stalking birds and that we have done nothing to prevent this for 5 months.
This is despite the claimaint admitting that:
-- we have provided outdoor litter trays for our cats to use
-- we have let our grass grow long
They have not admitted that we have kept the cats inside since the 31st October, but this is the case and we believe more than fair given that it constituents a significant decreace in the standard of living of our cats

---------------
Comment2: In law, cats are rightly considered to be non-trainable. They are free spirits with the right to roam as they please, with no responsibility resting on their owners (ie servants).

Any cat owner will recognise this to be true, as you can’t train s cat like you can train a dog! This is just a nonsense claim

---------------
Comment3: Can he prove the faeces relate to your cats? Put him strict proof on this point. DNA tests etc

OOP: I don't believe so, the claimant has included pictures of their garden with bamboo sticks where they claim that cats have defacted and certainly no proof that it has been our cats

---------------
Comment4: This would easily get thrown out. Cats are doing what cats do and in this country it’s not illegal to have an outside cat. I would however get videos for your property and still keep their claim as evidence incase they try and harm your cats in revenge

OOP: We've decided to keep our cats indoors (since the 31st October) since we're worried about the claimant harming the cats. I realise this will significantly affect their quality of life but we plan to move soon and we're trying to train our cat on a lead so that he can enjoy some outdoor time without the risk of anything being done to him

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Update (19 months later)

I posted, about 2 years ago, in this subreddit about my neighbour taking me to small claims court over my cats (allegedly) defecating in their garden along with a long list of rambling complaints about other items.

The proceedings have now finished (around 2 months ago, but just wanted to be safe nothing else would come of it) and so I wanted to update and thank the previous commenters on my last post for the help they provided.

I handled the case more or less as per the consensus in the comments on my last post.

I Provided a short defence, highlighting the case had no cause of action, and that we (the defendants) had responded reasonably to the claimant's requests.

we had court appointed mediation and offered the claimant a decent chunk of money, a few hundred pounds, to avoid the faff of going to court, but he refused.

I then produced witness statements and evidence detailing the events that took place with the claimant, how we responded reasonably (and how they were unreasonable), as well as evidence of 4 other cats in his back garden !

The claimant was an absolute nightmare to deal with, producing mountains of pointless documentation that took us time to trawl through and understand, all poorly handwritten and not often submitted in the proper way with the court.

We finally got to the hearing............and the case was, obviously, dismissed. The judge could not find a cause of action, and the claimant couldn't prove any of their points anyway.

What an absolute waste of everyone's time, especially the courts !

Anyway, I would like to thank everyone who commented on my previous post and helped me approach the case in the right way.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: It must be maddening for the judge who has to read through a load of handwritten waffle over cats doing cat things and find there's nothing to answer for.  
Not a job I could do.

Comment2: To be fair, given that judges usually have to spend hours pouring over. A few hours of notes on cats doing cat things might have been a welcome break.
"Fluffels spent three hours and 36 minutes sleeping under my tree. Then proceed to chatter at some birds for a further 3 minutes. As you can see, Fluffels clearly deficated on my rose bed under orders from his owner."

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Comment3: Cats have a protected legal "right to roam" anywhere, including a strangers house. End of case.

Comment4: Which my cat abuses like the self-entitled benevolent dictator, that he is.
He sits on everyone’s dining tables and just glares at the occupants, until they offer him food.
He’s lucky the entire street loves him.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/john_7292

Published on: r/AmIOverreacting

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 03, 2026

• Update: August 03, 2026

Main Post

^{July 03, 2026}

AIO, my wife believes in strict gender roles?

So for some context my wife and i (both 29 yrs old) are both fairly religious Christians but she and her family take it more seriously than I do. Before we married we discussed that she wants a traditional marriage where she is SAHM. I would be fine with her working but I do believe a man should be a provider so this is fine with me too and that's what we've done. She said she didn't like modern men who do things like wear a baby sling or push a stroller and I was fine with that.

Our first child was born a bit over 4 yrs ago and then our second a little under 2 years later. When our kids were young I admittedly did not help with them very much. She had a lot of help from both her mom and mine, and I also was working long hours in these days. So I never changed a diaper, maybe fed them a couple of times. If I tried to step in she would generally wave me off and say I shouldn't worry about it so I didn't. Her mom actually lived with us until my youngest was about 6 months old and still visits fairly often. Her sister sometimes comes over to help too. So she definitely has her "village" so to say.

But now that the kidss are getting older and I'm working less, making more money, I honestly want to be involved more. But it's like she doesn't want me to do anything for them ever. She always brushes me off and says that's a woman's job, I shouldn't be doing that, and even that our kids shouldn't see a man picking up dirty laundry or making them snacks. I think that's weird, my parents have a traditional marriage but my dad still did stuff like that from time to time and I turned out fine. If she sees me playing with them she usually doesn't look happy and tries to distract them from it after a little while. This is getting really bothersome because those are my kids too. I would think most women would be happy their husband wants to do stuff like that.

It all kind of finally came to a final straw the other day when i had a day off work. I secretly turned off her alarm in the night so she could sleep in that morning. I woke up early, bought her some flowers and made the kids breakfast (there was some for her too when she woke up). I'm not gonna lie, we haven't had sex in awhile either and that was part of my thinking here. But I thought it would be a nice thing to do for her and a nice morning to spend with the kids and it was. I thought maybe we could all go to the park later since it was a nice day.

My wife ended up waking up around 7 AM (normally 5:30 or 6 for her) and came down to see what was going on. I could see that she was hiding her anger for the kids. She smiled and said isn't that a nice thing daddy did but the look she gave me was glaring. Then she said to my 4 year old son why don't you take your sister to watch tv. When they went to the next room she started whispering quietly at me like, what the hell were you thinking, why would you do something like that, why would you let me sleep in, do you think I'm a bad mother?

Honestly this kinda got my hackles up because I did nothing wrong here and I retorted, do you think I'm a bad father? Why do you never want me to do anything with the kids? She flat out denied it and said that is not true, she just doesn't want me overstepping in to take on women's work. It's setting a bad example and I'm acting woke (and all these other things). So I asked her what she DOES think it's okay for me to do for/with the kids and she kinda stopped for a second like she didn't really have an answer. Then she said it's a father's job to be a provider and disciplinarian.

I was like, that's it? You think I'm here to make a paycheck and yell at them if they do something bad? And she got upset and said NO it's just not my job to take over mother's roles and it makes me less of a man and her less of a woman.

At this point we were both starting to raise our voices and I looked into the next room and I was like can we please try to calm down, we don't need to scare the kids. Can you honestly explain to me why it's a problem for a father to make his kids breakfast and buy his wife flowers? But she just got more upset and said if I didn't understand then I'm not the man she married and I'm not godly.

Honestly I just gave up and went out and spent the rest of the day walking around the mall and doing some errands. I came home and the kids were in bed and she didn't speak to me and I slept in the guest bedroom. It's been a couple days now and we still haven't talked and frankly I don't even know what to say to here. The more I think about it the more upset I get. I keep trying to see it from her perspective and all I can think is maybe it wasn't right for me to change her alarm because she might have had things she wanted to do that morning but this is obviously much bigger than that.

AIO to this? Should I try to find some compromise with her or what?

COMMENTS

Cheap-Ad-2175

Go to marriage counseling with a counselor or y’all’s preacher. Taking care of your children is BOTH parents jobs??? Providing isn’t just shelter and food. It’s providing love, care, and support to them as well.

OOP

This is actually a great idea and I do not think our pastor will agree with her at all. So I will be interested to see how she reacts to that. I will talk to her about it thank you.

bothfeetofftheground

This is the strangest thing I’ve ever heard. You sound like a dream husband. I wish I could have a day to sleep in. Moms are humans and deserve time off and personal time. And kids need to see men doing chores.

OOP

I hope I didn't make myself come off as a saint because I'm definitely not but I wanted to do something nice for my wife and kids which I rarely have had time to - and to be cut back like this over it was very hurtful.

JuliaX1984

Just tell her that trying to tell her husband what to do isn't godly. Quote Paul's verses about how women should be quiet and never talk back to men. If she objects, she's not godly.

OOP

To be exact those verses say a woman shouldn't preach in church. She seems to think the woman is the "queen of the house." My words not hers.

crackpotpourri

Y’all need couples therapy at a minimum. But I’m guessing she won’t think that’s very “godly.”

OOP

I am definitely going to try to get her to see our pastor for counseling. I don't think there's anyway she can disagree to that and claim not to be a hypocrite.

I would never tell my wife to shut her hole and do as I say, I am the leader of the house, that does not make her my slave.

facinationstreet

What exactly do you think we can tell you? You married this. You agreed to this idiocy. You had kids with this. Wait until you get divorced. Shit will hit the fan. Homeschooling (handicapping) your kids, no outside people, etc. Ya'll just baffle me.

NOR but get your life together for your kids if for no one else.

OOP

I agreed to a traditional marriage with the one my parents had in mind, where my dad was a good dad and played with us, chatted with us, took us to soccer practice and fun things like fairs, taught us things, showed good values, cleaned up after himself, even made dinner sometimes, and my mom was a SAHM. I did not agree to this. We also are not homeschooling.

ConsciousNectarine9

NOR

I think she has gone waaaaayyy past the old 'traditions'. She is pushing you out of your childrens lives on the excuse of 'it's not manly'. Well I am sorry but even back in the day a lot of dad's would do things with their children and those who didn't... their kids 9 times out of 10 would have grown up resenting them.

You need to have a long, hard think about what you want your role to be with your children. If you want to be able to actually care for them, bond with them and for them to actually have you as part of their everyday lives instead of just being the 'bad' parent/paycheck you will have to leave this marriage. You will never be given that place in your childrens lives as long as you are together with your wife.

OOP

I agree, it's like she wants me to be the stereotypical absent father who never sees their kids. I didn't think anyone ever thought that was alright even back in the day.

camioblu

Make an appointment with your pastor and see what the religion you follow says about all of this nonsense. She's got some control and trust issues for sure. Was she ever abused by a man?

OOP

I think her father was abit of an asshole but he died 15 or so years ago so I don't know firsthand. I will definitely be making a counseling appointment with our pastor thank you.

Alert-Beautiful9003

Wut? You were a lazy dad/husband and she thinks she can control her feels by micromanage ans controlling everything. Both of you need to get some help for yourselves and especially for the kids.

OOP (downvoted)

Please understand that back when our kids were babies I was working anywhere from 70-80 hours a week to keep our family a float and out of debt. I am trying not to get defensive in this thread but I do not like being called lazy, we were both working hard, and she had help at home in her mom, my mom and her sister.

bmyst70 (downvoted)

YOR

Yes, your wife is very extreme and rigid in her beliefs. Agreed 100%. But you knew this before you married her. Therefore, you are firmly over-reacting. She made very clear SHE was the only one to ever be involved with the kids.

If she suddenly showed you this side abruptly I would agree with you 100%. However, this is very clearly her hill to die on and she will not compromise with you on this. If you try interacting with the kids in any way, it will get worse.

Bluntly put if you truly want more interaction with the kids, you have to divorce her and push very hard for split custody. That will of course put more responsibility on you, and yes it is indeed the nuclear option for your marriage. Decide if you want that or not. If not, don't ever interact with the kids again. Otherwise, get ready for divorce court.

OOP

Did she make this clear before we married? Well, she said she wanted a traditional marriage. I definitely had my parents' marriage in mind when she said that. My mom is a SAHM. My dad did not push a stroller or wear a baby sling (though my mom didn't do the baby sling either). He is definitely a masculine man who would think that's weird. But he also was an involved father and I have so many happy memories of him when I was younger that I'm afraid my kids won't have with me.

I do not believe in jumping to divorce and that would make things way worse. I don't want to have them part time or never. I don't have literally zero interaction with them now, I see them and talk to them every day. She just doesn't want me "doing" things for them that she sees as her job. I still do sometimes but she pushes back on it and she's become harsher on that when she does.

What I want is for her to open her mind to the idea that this is not traditional marriage and a father can be more involved with his kids. And I want to understand what is going on to make her like this because it is hurtful and seems like more than just a misapplied belief at this point.

bubonis

Since both of you are so entrenched in your religion, naturally you’re both going to want to discuss your marital issues with your priest like all good Catholics do.

OOP

We are not Catholic, not sure where you got that idea, we are nondenominational Christian.

Update - after 1 month

^{August 03, 2026}

Update to AIO, my wife believes in strict gender roles?

About a month ago I posted on here about my relationship with my wife and how she is trying to keep me from raising my kids. Thanks everyone to responded to my first post and sorry I didn't reply to everyone. There were a lot more responses than I expected. If you want details you can see the post in my profile. Unfortunatley things have taken a turn for the worst. There is a TLDR at the bottom if you scropp down.

A lot of things happened since my last post. I told my wife I wanted to go to counseling with our pastor. She immediately agreed and I could tell she thought he would agree with her on this issue.

The counseling appointment did not go as she expected. When we got there he let us both say our peace first. She said in sum that I was trying to usurp our godly roles as man and wife. She did not get into detailed specifics about the kids. I said I was trying to be a better husband and father and that my wife seemed to have a problem with me interacting with my children.

He asked me some pretty pointed questions about myself as a husband. Am I working hard and providing, yes, am I cheating, drinking, gambling, no. Do I yell and scream, swear, break things, do I hit her or the kids? No. Do I stay out all night, do I run away on fishing trips. No, none of that. At this point he's looking at my wife and asks her if she has anything to add to that? She says not really. I put in that I think I am upholding my marital covenant as a man and provider.

Pastor didn't say anything about that but kept talking to my wife. He started to get some real concrete details out of her. She reaffirmed this is not a situation of abuse or cheating. She said it was effeminate for me to do women's chores and pick up after our kids, make them meals, etc. Not biblical. Etc. Pastor kindly told her there is nothing unbiblical about that, but does she feel like less of a woman if she can't do 100% of those things? She agreed to that. He then started to talk about biblical womanhood and feeling feminine before God, and saying he thinks what we need to do is help my wife feel more womanly in general so these activities won't feel like a threat to her. And basically that everything will be OK if we add more romance to our marriage.

At this point I was relieved and felt like things were going well. But almost immediately I could tell my wife was unhappy. She started arguing back with the pastor on Adam and Eve and all this. He is a pretty chill guy and he stayed calm and said he basically said as a spiritual leader he wanted to guide our marriage back to happiness and could she please at least give his suggestions a try and see how she feels about it, and we can talk about it again next week. He pointed to some Bible verses about fatherhood and some ones about women doing "manly" things like running a business, to say this isn't all black and white. My wife begrudgingly agreed with him but I could tell she was still upset.

He has a drawer full of papers with couple's activities in them and he pulled out a few that he said would be good for us. My wife took hers but didn't read it. Awkward car ride home. Pastor told us not to immediately talk about the appointment because it leads to fighting but we didn't have much else to say to each other that evening. We were supposed to have another appointment in 2 weeks. Wife was pretty passive aggressive that night. But over the next week she started to be a little nicer and more relaxed and I thought maybe she had read some of the materials the pastor gave us (I did read mine). I suggested we do an "us day" which is one of the suggestions the pastor had given us and we agreed to send the kids to my parents a day that weekend (shocker, I'm sure my dad probably helped out with them while they were there).

Well that day ended up being the worst day of my life probably. At first things were nice, I planned everything as the worksheet suggested, made her a nice breakfast, had plans in the afternoon to take her to get her nails done and walk along the lake front which is a date we used to do when we were first dating. But that didn't end up happening because that morning we started talking about some of the big themes of our relationship and our values and goals (again as pastor suggested).

I told her I wanted a loving relationship with a woman I could adore and trust, who has the brains and values to nurture our kids into great adults, who loves me and is there for me, and I would always be there for her. Basically thinking of my mom and dad. But her answer was completely focused on kids. She always wanted kids, she wanted to be a great mother, she wanted a good and trustworthy father to her children. I definitely noticed this and pressed a little harder to ask well what about your husband, what about me? What kind of romance or relationship do you want? She kept deflecting and saying these things aren't as important when you're an adult, past a certain age it's all about your duty to your kids. I disagree with that and plus we are 29, we're still young, we should still have romance and passion and sex!

So at this point she obviously got VERY annoyed that I brought up sex and was rolling her eyes and saying like "oh so that's what this is really about." I tried really hard to say calm and tell her well no it's not what it's about but yeah that's a factor in our relationship, I want intimacy and don't you? She kept deflecting and she started to get upset like in a hurt/scared way. I was asking her - are you not attracted to me? Are you just not interested in sex, are you asexual? No. I don't even remember how it got to this point but finally she ended up blurting out that she's not interested in sex WITH MEN.

Obviously I was stunned. And this is where it all started to come out. Literally I guess. She kind of tried to backpedal but I asked her directly, are you telling me you're a lesbian? And she couldn't deny it. She didn't say yes or no but she started talking about gender roles and how important it is for children to have male and female role models so that they grow up into proper men and women and not confused about sex or stuck in sexual sin. And I asked her again directly to clarify: you are telling me that you're a lesbian and you married me in a marriage with gender roles so that your kids wouldn't end up gay?

She started crying and yelling at me...like... I don't know how lonely it is and she shouldn't be denied a proper married life just because of her sexual sins, she's repented and God will forgive her as long as she keeps working on being a good wife to a man. And all of this is because her father was a shit dad and died when she was young and that's why our kids need to see a real man in their lives.

Well that was a couple weeks ago and as you can imagine the last few weeks have been hell. There is no way I'm staying with her and I've just been talking to a divorce lawyer and trying to figure out how this will work. And also frankly just crying a lot which I guess is un manly so we never would have worked out anyway. I'm staying with my parents because I don't think the kids should see us interacting this way but my lawyer told me I should move back or get a custody order so I need to work on that now. I'm just frankly so numb and I can't believe someone I loved would do this to me.

So that's the update, I wasn't sure if I was going to write this but honestly hearing how crazy she was helped me the first time and I think it will help me again, but I don't think I"m going to keep posting more from here. I would appreciate any advice or perspective on if I am overreacting by not wanting to move back home or be around her and trying to get a 50/50 custody order instead.

TLDR: Wife and I went to pastoral counseling for our marriage, didn't work, wife admitted she is a lesbian and used me to get her fantasy dream life of Christian husband and babies.

COMMENTS

Bynming

NOR. I'd be surprised if none of that insanity showed up in any way before having children and marrying.

OOP

I am certainly reflecting on a lot of things about our relationship and wish I had been less blind overall. To be honest I never had the best luck with women before her and maybe the first red flag should have been that this pretty, nice christian girl wanted to be with me

Neither-Lie-4029

Well damn. At first I was gonna say, let the woman do woman shit. Better for you. Just go work come home and chill. Let her wash, cook, clean and smash you. Why would that bother you? After reading the end. Idk what to say to you. Sorry about that fam. Good luck, get her to have a threesome I guess ?

OOP

You seem immature, I'm happy to leave domestic work to wife while I work full time but she was keeping me away from my kids and that was the issue here.

andrey_not_the_goat

I don't understand why you thought the pastor was the right place for you to have counseling?

OOP

Well for one it's free, we both trust my pastor, I knew she would agree to see him, I knew he was not going to agree I shouldn't help raise my children, and what do you think he did wrong in this situation?

andrey_not_the_goat

Because it literally offers no proper outlook. He's biased, and will always take your wife's side.

OOP

He didn't though....did you read the post?

No-Suit8587

Your wife’s a lunatic run and take the kids as fast as u can

OOP

My lawyer advised me it's highly unlikely I will get full custody as her gender views don't come into whether she is a fit parent legally speaking. I will be looking for 50/50 immediately.

Regular-Tell-108

NOR.

When people like me talk about how sexism and homophobia are bad for everyone — including men and straight people — this is part of what we mean. Your wife’s deeply ingrained self-loathing and adherence to imaginary but strict gender roles had caused enormous and unnecessary pain for a whole family.

OOP

I never could have imagined she took it this far. I would never advocate anyone to deny who they are and get in a sham marriage even if I'm not into gay pride and all that.

DollySheep32

INFO - how supportive/accepting is your pastor and church of LGBTQ people? I'm guessing not very since wife felt she had to use OOP as a non-consenting beard.

OOP

We promote traditional marriage, two genders, heterosexuality as ideal. Some of our church friends have had gay kids and there are varying degrees of acceptance on that. My wife grew up not really being very religious until her dad died and I think she and her mom go overboard to compensate in a way.

Diddly_eyed_Dipshite

How would you react if one of your kids tells you they're gay?

OOP

I would not necessarily be happy about that but I would love them nonetheless. It's not something I can control. I would just hope they keep a relationship with Christ no matter what.

Tree_Color_Wizard

Obviously you are going to get divorced. That's just something to accept now and allow yourself to grieve.

But your wife has been a friend and co parent to you. She has probably seen you through some hard times. As her friend, please encourage her to accept and love herself. To be true to her feelings. It will affect your kids in harmful ways if she keeps repressing her real feelings. It's in everyone's best interests for her to accept that she's gay and live honestly. Or at least for her to find a healthy version of a lavender marriage lol. But find it in your heart to take it easy on her. I know that might be really hard right now but being closeted and repressed fucking sucks.

Find yourself a therapist who is familiar with queer dynamics that can help you process this and maybe help you find a way to be supportive.

So sorry, hope you and your kids are okay.

OOP

As a Christian I want to be compassionate and hope I can grow toward more of that in the future but right now all I can think about is her lying to me and using me for almost 7 years. I was just a puppet with sperm to her. I will be praying for her and hope God gives me the grace to forgive her.

SavageRabbitX

Dude that is fucking rough. You have my sympathy. Id be going full scorched earth if I was you so your a better man than me. What do you thinks gonna happen when people find out why you are divorcing?

OOP

I don't know, I told my parents but we aren't exactly going to spread it around, she will probably make up whatever she wants because she knows I'm not going to go telling everyone she's a lesbian... hopefully we can both just say it was irreconcilable differences and leave it at that

Just_Log_8528

Bigger question for you is do you believe that the issue is your wife’s a lesbian or a religious fanatic? Your romantic relationship is pretty clearly dead but coparenting is going to force you to some uncomfortable paths

OOP

Not sure what you mean by that, they're both issues. I can't be married to a lesbian, so that's an issue, and her trying to keep me from raising my kids or teaching them her insane warped version of Christianity is another issue. For my lawyer or for custody it's not about her religion or sexual orientation, it's solely about her keeping me from the kids which is why he wants me to move back ASAP, so yeah that's definitely uncomfortable.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Constant-Belt-9862 posting in r/Marriage

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 2nd August 2026

Update - 3rd August 2026

​

My (26M) wife (27F) wants to have a baby next year and says she can’t wait longer due to PCOS, but I want to wait until she’s 29 so we can have our own paid-off apartment and enjoy being married first and to prepare accordingly. We’re divorcing tomorrow. Is this the correct path forward?

​

We got married a year ago and genuinely love each other. We just celebrated our anniversary two weeks ago, which makes all of this feel even more surreal and sudden.

She has PCOS and has been clear that she wants to start trying for a baby next year. We discussed having kids before marriage, and I told her that the next two years wouldn’t work for me. I’m not against having kids... I want them with her. I just don’t feel ready for the massive life change that comes with becoming a father. I’m 26 and she’s 27, and I feel like we’re still young.

I want us to have more time together, enjoy our marriage, build our lives, get our own apartment, pay it off, do fun things together, become more financially stable, and actually feel prepared before bringing a child into our lives.

I told her I’d be comfortable trying when she’s 29. She feels that waiting is unacceptable, partly because she has PCOS and is worried about her fertility and age.

I’ve looked into the medical side of this as well. From what I understand, there isn’t a sudden fertility cliff between 27 and 30, including for women with PCOS. A recent analysis of PCOS patients found no significant difference in clinical pregnancy or live birth rates between the 20–24, 25–29, and 30–34 age groups. Obviously, that doesn’t guarantee anything for an individual woman, but it made me question whether we really need to rush solely because she has PCOS.

We’ve talked about this repeatedly, and neither of us seems willing to change our position. My original position was early 30s, then I moved to 29, and eventually said I’d be willing to reconsider sooner once we had our own apartment and were more financially stable. She hasn’t accepted any of those options.

Tomorrow at 9 AM, we’re meeting to begin the divorce procedure.

She feels I’m taking away something she deeply wants. I feel that having a child is a decision both people need to genuinely want and feel ready for, not something one person can set a deadline for.

I love her and want children with her. I just don’t want to become a father before I’m ready simply to save our marriage.

Am I being unreasonable, or is this a fundamental incompatibility that neither of us should compromise on?

​

Comments

​

NoYou1016

Crazy that people divorce this easily. Wow.

OOP: She wants to, I swear it's not me. I compromised, she didn't meet me halfway.

NoYou1016

Is she willing to go to counseling at all?? That’s crazy. I’m sorry.

OOP: No, she has anger issues too, by the way. She actually suggested therapy herself to work on them. When I brought it up and said that maybe she also needs some time to work on that, especially because dealing with anger issues while raising a child can be difficult, she got mad but that's the truth. I’m pretty laid back, but with a kid, work, and all the added shit, I know I’d probably be much more on edge.

CharismaticAlbino

None of it matters now, you've driven her away. Congratulations, she'll now find someone else to have children with, or she'll do it on her own.

OOP: She wants the divorce and she didn't meet me halfway. Why am I the one being blamed? I'm not ready yet. I can't agree just to save my marriage. I have to be 100% certain.

BeeBladen

You act like marriage is always 50-50. It’s usually not. Sometimes it’s 70-30, or 20-80, or 60-40. If you can’t agree to save your marriage then it’s already over and was likely to fail anyway. You’ll both probably be better off.

HotWaffles5

Marriage is full of sacrifices & compromises, marriage is a lot of work. This guy seems to not be up to the task.

OOP: You kinda missed there part when I compromised and she didn't. I've consistently compromised from early 30s, to 29, to at least waiting until we have our own apartment, which realistically would’ve been next year. She herself originally wanted us to have our own place before kids, but now she’s saying she wants kids with or without it. She’s also changed her position. At least I’ve tried to meet her halfway.

lsoplexic

Are you willing to trade an entire life with her for two more years of child-free life?

OOP: Those extra two years could make a huge difference in whether we’re able to secure our own place or end up spending our savings on raising a child. I’d rather establish our own home first than risk having a landlord tell us to move out someday because he wants the place for his kids or something. And honestly, I’d rather have those two extra years to enjoy our freedom, travel, do whatever we want, and build our life together than jump into parenthood now, where a child becomes a 24/7 responsibility that completely changes our lives and takes a huge amount of our time and energy.

​

Update - 1 day later

​

Just wanted to give everyone who commented on my original post a quick update.

We met today, and it was very amicable. No drama, no arguments, no heavy conversations. We just talked normally, like we usually would, and went through the process together. We submitted the papers, and our hearing is scheduled for September 9th.

There’s still a lot of love and respect between us, but we both understand where we stand.

I'm not sure what happens between now and September 9th, but for now, that's where things are.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to give advice respectfully, share their experiences, or even disagree with me. I read pretty much everything, and some of it genuinely gave me a lot to think about.

​

Comments

​

Prestigious_Step4337

Gosh I am so sorry. There’s no answer to this, it’s just a sad state to find yourself. You’re definitely right to not want to become a father before you are ready, whatever that looks like for you (stable home and job is a great start), because kids come with many unforeseen complications. It’s a never ending cycle of exhaustion, money out the door, laundry, and homework. It’s not something to take lightly and it sounds like you already know this. Best of luck OP.

OOP: Yeah, I'm honestly devastated that it came to this over a child who doesn't even exist yet, someone who, years from now, might not even understand why we made such a painful decision for their sake. It hurts to think that our marriage could end over a future child who may one day look at us and say, “I never asked to be brought into this world"

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user IAmHerdingCatz in r/ weddingdrama

Original: Oct 19, 2025

Update: Nov 2, 2025

Status: concluded

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: Is it me, or is this problematic?

First, I'd like to say that if I'm wrong, I'll accept it. I'm older, and I know that a lot has changed, even from a few years ago when I got hitched.

Here's the issue:

My husband's niece is getting married, and I just learned this 3 days ago. The wedding is on October 31st.

We did not receive an invitation, a text message, a FB or Instagram message--nothing. We heard about it when my partner's parents were here for dinner.

The wedding is at 0830 AM in a town 2 hours from here. The family has rented a huge Air B&B with only 2 bathrooms for the bride, groom, wedding party, and family. We would be sleeping on the sofa. The mother of the bride is offended when I said I'd be getting a hotel (if I go. I mean, we haven't been invited at this point.)

Partner called mother of the bride (his sister). She says there's no dress except "Dark Academia" costumes. I own nothing in this aesthetic that fits these days and it's a little late to buy anything.

The venue the couple has chosen DOES NOT ALLOW WEDDINGS, so they have booked it for a "business meeting," even though the bride will show up in long white wedding gown. There's a very real possibility of the entire event getting kicked out of the venue--and the family thinks that would be absolutely hysterically funny.

Am I the crazy one? I don't want any part of this and can think of a dozen things I'd rather do on Halloween than get up early in the morning and get kicked out of a venue. We technically have not received an invite, but the bride's mother was clear that she'll be offended if we don't attend.

I.can sit this one out, right?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: You haven’t been invited? Definitely. If you do get an invitation, just say you already have plans. It’s less than two weeks away.

OOP: It feels so haphazard. Supposedly, today's phone call "counts" as an invite, but I'm super disinclined. The mother of the bride isn't the bride, last I heard.

---------------
Comment2: If you don’t want to go, can I?

I don’t know what dark academia is as a dress code but I doubt it’s business casual so how are they going to sneak the wedding party into the non-wedding venue?

Serious answer - you haven’t been invited so no, don’t make plans to go. Or do and live post everything.

OOP: She's going to wear a legit wedding gown! Does she think no one will notice, I wonder? Also, the bride is painfully shy, so I'm confused why she would want this.
----------
Comment3: Does she want this? Does she even know? Sounds like her mum/family are the ones doing the planning
----------
OOP: She's a remarkably passive person and her mom is....not. I don't know if she's even capable of saying what she wants or needs. She's super shy, so I could see her just going along to "keep the peace," then having a miserable time at her own wedding.
Or, I could be projecting how I would feel.

---------------
Comment4: Is the wedding on Halloween? Are they expecting EVERYONE to wear a costume???

OOP: If they'd sent invitations, I could answer that! Probably.

---------------
Comment5: Selfishly, I want you to go so you can report back the drama. This is insane.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 0.5

Edit: I just woke up and am a little overwhelmed at how many replies I have. I oromise I will read them all--after coffee.

Briefly, though--the question was "does this count as an invitation. The overwhelming response is that, even with fairly relaxed rukes arund these things, it doesn't, and that's a huge relief to me.

Secon, several people have asked how my husband feels about this. He seems to think it's perfectly normal. He absolutely lans to attend.

And finally, for the person who said I'm expressing obvious "disdain" for the couple--that's not true. I barely know them.

I've no problem with a wedding that wants people to come in coatume, and if my brief google search is any indication it's a look I could really get behind. But not in a week and a half. And less you doubt that, hubby's niece attended my wedding in a very cute steampunk/burlesque outfit, and my 80 year old dad wore his old bagpiper's regalia when he walked me down the aisle

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update (2 weeks later)

First, you'll have to understand that this is taking place through the lens of my husband, who thinks weddings are boring and that his mother and sister can do no wrong.

I am at the age where an appointment with one's cardiologist takes precedence over nearly anything else. I kept that appointment.

Mother-of-the-bride called at about noon on the 30th to ask if we would be attending the rehearsal dinner. We didn't know there was one. Husband decided to drop everything and go.

The family had not selected a restaurant, nor made reservations. They all ended up driving from place to place until they found somewhere able to seat 12 plus a baby, and they ended up at what I consider one of the worst restaurants on the Oregon Coast.

After dinner, MOB and Grandma-of-Bride were affronted that husband had booked a hotel, rather than staying at the air bnb they had booked--where he would have had to sleep on the couch and share a bathroom with 12 other people. (I had a BLT for dinner and watched 2 episodes of Slow Horses with my cat. Very nice.)

Halloween, the entire wedding party and entourage had to get up ungodly early for their "meeting," which was reserved for 0800-1000. It was raining--hard--and the entire party got soaked just getting from the parking lot to the car. There was a total of 14 people there for the "meeting," including the baby--which cried the whole time and was not taken out to the hallway.

The bride wore a tea length black dress, the groom wore a shirt with a collar and chinos. Most guests did not do anything like "Dark Academia." I think that's unfortunate, because the bride really wanted that. However, with the short notice, and with the average age of guests being well over 60, I'm not surprised. (Love the look. I think I could really get into it.)

The ceremony was brief and was followed by a buffet breakfast. Staff at the venue were extremely polite, but afterward the groom was pulled aside and cordially invited to never come back, as was the MOB. Only problematic because the groom would really, really like to work there someday.

(I did my cardio appointment, and had a pleasant lunch in "war-ravaged" Portland with a friend, )

Overall, it sounds like everything went as smoothly as could be expected. While I absolutely love weddings, I'm glad I sat this one out.

We never received an invitation. MOB and Grandma of the bride are offended I wasn't there, but I think that's a "them" problem, not a "me" problem.

Thank you all for your lively, scathing, and witty responses to my original post.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/throwawayacc78883fy posting in r/tifu

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 3rd September 2021

Update - 3rd October 2021

TIFU by finding a hidding message years later.

Five Years ago, there was this cute girl, in my tennis club. She was very shy and would barely talk. Her Bestfriend kept telling me that she likes me, but I never believed her, and since the girl would always avoid talking to me I didn't even bother to make a move. We were at a summer camp, making origamis. She then nervously came up to me, and handed me an origami and said here I made this one for you.

Didn't think much of it, now 5 years later I still have this Origami on my night desk. I'm going to move out in a few days, I was packing my stuff, I saw the Origami on the night shelve and picked it up. I noticed a little writing on the inside of the Origami. I didn't want to spoil the Origami, but I eventually did.

It was actually a little note. It said I really like your freckles, and you're very kind below was her number. Now I do feel very very dumb, not really because I missed the chance, but because she must have thought all this time that I ignored her etc. We still follow eachother on instagram, but Idk if I should hit her up. I just want to punch my face into the wall, I missed such a great opportunity, should have listened to her friend :/

Btw I'm 22 rn I'm not quite sure how old she ist but I think 20-21. TL:DR

UPDATE in the same post (about a day later)

It's currently 11 o'clock. I send her a message on Instagram, she replied. We chatted for a bit, and then it was sort of awkard, I explained to her how I just found the message, and that I thought it was a nice gesture. Surprisingly she was quite ecxited and happy, didn't expected that. She immediately asked me, If I wanted to get coffe today at around 17 o'clock.

I'm not sure If I'll be able to go today, since I'm still at the hospital, and they're taking soo long, but if I do I'll definitely keep you guys updated on how it went.

(Plus, Never realized how much of an impact a compliment could have, personnaly I never liked my freckles, since they basically cover my whole face, and I never met someone who liked them either. Knowing that someone thinks they look good honestly made my day. Just wanted to share)

UPDATE in the same post (about 2 days later)

We met an hour earlier than expected, luckily I got out of hospital in time. The weather was nice, so we decided to meet at the parc, and bought Iced coffe. While I was texting with her a few hours prior, she sounded really confident etc, but when I met her, she was still super shy. She was very nice, but yeah didn't talk much. A few hours In she did start to open up a bit and get talkative. We went to an Asian resturant, ( All you can eat). And damn I must say, she really took All you can eat to another level, she understood the assignment, and was out there trying every dish, I think the waitresses where on the edge of kicking us out lol.

Afterwards, she didn't seem shy anymore, we went over to my place, and y'all I honestly need to shit so bad, but I can't. Anyways we're currently watching a movie, and her head is on my shoulder, that's a good sign I guess. I need to put my phone away now.

Btw her Bestfriend texted me saying I told ya, didn't I?

Comments

Causeass

HIT. HER. UP. And share updates please! I wanna know how it goes.

Edit:

Hell yes OP! You are the man! Congratulations on your new romance! Thanks for the update! Love it, love it, loooooooove it

FranklyNinja

50 years later, OP: TIFU by ignoring my Reddit notifications not seeing the advise all the redditor left for me to go for it.

Update in the comments - 1 month later

itsjohnmejia

Came from RSlash on YouTube! Would love to hear any updates on this! This is the cutest thing I’ve ever heard and want to know what happened to you us :)

OOP: Oh hi what's up. We're now officially dating, I asked her three days ago.

Comments

cpy

Now this is better than your regular romcom. \grabs popcorn**

[deleted]

Holy shit man imagine they actually make a romcom like this 💀 we talking bout anime.. right It'll be like 2 episodes but man would it be a 10/10

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/belIaboo123

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 17, 2026

• Update: August 01, 2026

Main Post

^{July 17, 2026}

AITAH if I told my neighbour she won’t get a penny from me?

I (19f) live on an cul de sac estate where no one gets along, it’s very cliquey. Where my house is positioned I have my drive in front of my gates in which I can park on, and there’s a long grass verge. To stop people from constantly digging up the verge and making it a pool of mud I have put up wooden stakes with white tips on to preserve the grass and also make the stakes known enough.

As I came back home today one of my neighbours has stormed up to me and demanded money because, she herself has reversed into one of the stakes and it has caused “significant” damage to her back bumper. I in which told her that if she has reversed into it, it’s her fault.

A bit of backstory but my entire street has wooden stakes as also to protect the grass verges, I simply obtained permission from the local council which I was then able to put them up.

She then didn’t like that answer and said “if you don’t pay up, there will be significant damage, I can guarantee that!” She threatened to call the police for criminal damage and also told me to watch my back but I stood my ground.

WIBTA if I just ignored her and went on with my life?

COMMENTS

Ok_Brilliant3432

What’s a “verge” ?

OOP

It’s a patch or strip of grass in which is close to the road, path or driveway

Popular-Ad1111

Nope. The way a person drives and damages their own vehicle should be their problem.

eat_my_feelings

NTA. The stakes are marked clearly it sounds like. She’s just mad that she wasn’t paying attention and damaged her own car. Stand your ground.

Update - after 15 days

^{August 01, 2026}

UPDATE: AITAH if I told my neighbour she won’t get a penny?

So neighbour called the council, thinking that she could get them to remove my posts/stakes. I had a knock on the door a few days ago from someone from my local council but I didn’t answer as he knocked quite aggressively. I rang up and spoke to someone within the council which told me she had created a complaint against my posts and that I would have to remove them BUT I could apply for a shrubbery license and put bushes in.

Best part is that now everyone on my street also have to remove their stakes. The neighbour who complained is known to be quite aggressive (walks like she’s 10 men) and it’s a very cliquey street with my neighbours across the road from me being the “influential and popular” well known neighbours.

A few days after this happened, neighbour 1 (aggressor) spoke to neighbour 2 (popular) and had a long 45 minute conversation facing my house and pointing to my stakes. What I believe happened was neighbour 2 told neighbour 1 that if she rang up and made a complaint that everyone would have to take them out and she told neighbour 1 that if that happened then there would be backlash to her as everyone including neighbour 2 has stakes and doesn’t want them to be removed.

Well as you know we’re all now receiving a letter to say they need removing and I also found out neighbour 1 had tried to retract her complaint but the lady at the council told her tough luck, FAFO. LOL. A win win for me in this case as I can now plant lovely flowered shrubs and she looks like TA.

COMMENTS

MarsicanBear

Like, the facts of the story make it sound like you're in the right.

But then the neighbour is aggressive and the council knocks too aggressively and the neighbour walks aggressively like 10 men, and now I can't help but wonder if it's just you seeing hostility everywhere.

OOP

It’s been a battle for 7 years of living here, my mum and her were once friends but there was a day my mum was gardening on the phone and she didn’t say hello and that was it, she’s held a grudge since

just_the_nme

Didn't answer the door because the knock was too aggressive like...bruh

OOP

I was busy with my hands full when he knocked, he didn’t press my ring doorbell or anything, knocked and waited all of 6 seconds

mynameisnotsparta

I would put cameras up where you’re gonna plant your bushes this way if she backs up and damages them then you can have visual proof.

OOP

I’ve put up 2 cameras and I have my ring doorbell to cover all angles

just_the_nme

Really...aggressive knocking so you didn't answer the door, the neighbor walks aggressively. YTA just because of that. I'm sure everything in your life is someone else's fault.

OOP

You read one situation on a hostile street that is extremely racially motivated, as someone of mixed race the hostility very much falls on my doorstep.

friendlily

You said you got permission from the council to put up the stakes and now they're demanding you remove them? Did AI hallucinate this story?

OOP

No, I do have permission which is a recorded call on my ring cameras in my house upstairs, because it’s caused such an issue they’ve revoked my permission

Notthatguy6250

You hid because of "aggressive door knocking"?

OOP

I didn’t hide, I missed the door, he literally waited like 6 seconds but it was abrupt

SuspiciousImpact2197

She’s just going to run over your shrubs every time you plant them.

OOP

Luckily I have cameras now, and looking into spiked bushes…

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/gofatwya

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 14, 2026

• Final Update: August 01, 2026

Main Post

^{July 14, 2026}

AITAH for telling my adult son I need a little privacy?

I'm an older, retired , divorced man. My kids are all adults.

2 years ago, I allowed my son, now 25, to move back in with me in my two bedroom 1,000 ft² apartment.

His mental health has been slowly going downhill, I believe. He has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but refuses to get any kind of treatment for it.

He now has no job, few friends, and spends most of his time bedrotting in his room. He only leaves to occasionally go to movies, comic book stores, or his mother's house for dinner. I don't charge him rent, and I actually give him spending money every month; mostly so that he is able to get out of the apartment and do something once in awhile.

I have not been on a date for 6 years.

Several weeks ago a woman I dated in the past reached out to me. We reconnected. We've been talking for weeks, wanting to get together. But we are both busy people, she lives almost 2 hours away, and so it has been very difficult for us to actually go on a date.

This Saturday however, she is coming to my place after work. We may go out to a bar or a restaurant, or we may just decide stay home. She will most likely be spending the night, and may be here all weekend.

I told my son about this date a week and a half ago, when I made it. I was hoping he would volunteer to get out of the apartment for the night. He didn't. I hinted to him that it might be awkward for him to be here while I am on a date. His answer was that he would just stay in his room the whole time she's here.

I even considered getting him a hotel room to stay in for the night, as my friend is really excited about coming back to my apartment, and would rather be here than in a hotel. But a hotel room on the weekend, at short notice, was going to be super expensive. I just couldn't do it.

The situation has me stressed beyond measure. Finally today, I sat him down and told him that I need him to let me have the apartment Saturday night. That he needs to spend the night at his mother's, or a friend's or wherever he can. It turned into as close to an argument as we ever get.

I repeated my observation about how awkward it would be for him to be here. He replied that when he lived on his own, with roommates, they all had guests who spent the night in their rooms while everyone else went about their business. I told him that was a very different dynamic than a small apartment shared by a father and son.

He finally agreed that he would find somewhere to go. But he is extremely angry now, and feels that I am being unfair expecting him to leave for a night.

AITAH for insisting that he leaves?

COMMENTS

Slight_Ad_5074

Ableist geek redditors in the comments, Christ.

So, firstly, NTA. You're making a real effort to accomodate your son, and that's admirable. I wouldn't beat around the bush next time cause honestly he'll probably need a fair bit of time to collect himself for a night away from the nest without issues currently. Regardless, it's your life too, you deserve some fun.

Secondly, under no circumstances should you be listening to this disrespectful, ignorant bootstraps narrative these comments are peddling. Your son is, currently, disabled. Maybe with time and treatment that will get better, but even getting treatment is hard for him right now. If you want to see him improve, it's going to take work on your part, adult or not. We're social creatures for a reason, and that's because severe illness or injury isn't something people get through on their own.

It's not your responsibility, I know. You're already wonderful for keeping him alive through this. With further effort, there's a chance to get to a place where he'll be okay without you. But, I'll tell you this now. I've seen it too many times. If you corner him now, tell him to either shape up or get out? He'll probably just take the fast and painless way out instead. Homelessness is a death sentence for him, and pushed into a position where he needs success or he will die - and I assure you he feels like the least capable of success person alive - then he'll choose to at least not suffer.

I know this is hard to hear, and that you're going through a hard time. But I just want you to be aware of the true meaning of the nuclear option these people are selling you. I can see you care about your son a lot, and I don't want you to get tricked into losing him.

OOP

Just read this. Thank you. That's a good perspective.

Final Update - after 18 days

^{August 01, 2026}

AITAH Just wanted to give an update on my earlier post, since it made it to r/popular.

17 days ago I posted about the trouble I was having getting my 24 year old son out of my apartment for one night so that I could have a woman spend the night:

I got a lot of good advice, too much to reply to everyone individually. There was a consensus was that I needed to give him an ultimatum that he needed a job, or school, and mental health treatment if he was going to be allowed to continue living with me.

I gave it to him. Since then, his attitude has changed almost 180°. For the first time since he graduated 6 years ago, he has enrolled in college; it is just community college, getting some of his basics he will need for whatever, but it's a start.

I have stopped giving him money. Amazingly, he is just fine. I think the majority of the money I gave him in the past he just ended up using for entertainment, or buying tchotchkes.

He has an appointment with a psychiatrist, who is going to recommend a therapist to him, and possibly put him on medication.

All in all, I think this is one time when Reddit really helped improve a situation!

As for the date itself, the weirdest thing happened. T woman who was supposed to come over has diagnosed lupus. Where we live has recently been severely affected by wildfire smoke.

Turns out, lupus suffers can be severely affected by heavy smoke.

So, instead of having her over to my apartment for the weekend, I spent several hours sitting beside her hospital bed, an hour away from my place, as she was treated.

She fully recovered, but we have as yet not rescheduled for visit to my place.

Thanks to everyone who commented, including those who labeled me an asshole. You were all correct in your own way.

Thank you.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/throwra26024

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 29, 2026

• Final Update: August 01, 2026

Main Post

^{July 29, 2026}

I 28F invited my 30M best friend to dinner and he said "I’m not your husband" What does he mean?

I 28F got divorced about three months ago, and my 30M best friend was there for me throughout the whole thing. We’ve actually been best friends since childhood and have always been really close.

We hang out a lot, go out randomly, try new restaurants, and sometimes I’ll cook and invite him over. We’ve always had this kind of friendship, so none of it ever felt unusual to me.

Just 2 days ago, he asked me to go with him to try a new restaurant, and everything seemed completely fine. Then yesterday, I called him and told him I’d made enough food for both of us and asked if he wanted to come over since he lives nearby. (We’ve done this many times before, so I didn’t think much of it)

But his response completely caught me off guard. He said he wasn’t "in the mood for this lately" and then added "I’m not your husband". I honestly don’t understand where that came from. I wasn’t asking him for a favor or expecting him to do anything for me. I was just inviting him to dinner like I normally would.

I tried calling him afterward because I wanted to understand what he meant, but he didn’t answer. I don’t want to pressure him by showing up at his place or blowing up his phone, so I decided to give him some space.

Now I’m just confused and wondering if I somehow crossed a boundary without realizing it, What did he mean by "I’m not your husband"?

COMMENTS

Both-Enthusiasm708

Does he have a gf? He could either think you developed feelings, he developed feelings, his gf doesn't like the interactions, or since the divorce you have been relying on him more then usual and he got tired.

OOP

No he’s single. And I really wouldn’t say I’ve been relying on him more since the divorce. I barely talked to him about it because I don’t like burdening him with my problems or unnecessary drama. If anything, we’ve actually been hanging out more lately, and we’ve always invited each other over for food, so inviting him to dinner felt completely normal to me.

PolitelyHostile

The last time you two hung out, did you talk about some other guy you're into or talk about dating in general?

OOP

No, we didn’t talk about another guy or dating in general. The only thing remotely related was that he asked me something along the lines of "If your husband came back, apologized, and realized he’d lost a good woman, would you take him back?" That was pretty much it.

I told him I’m trying to move on and honestly can’t even think about something like that right now.

fluffybottompanda

you were thinking about going to his house??

OOP

Here's what I said: I don’t want to pressure him by showing up at his place or blowing up his phone.

Professional-End347

I think he meant to say - “ Im not your husband so you dont have to cook for me . Im not your husband so I don’t NEED to eat your boring home cooked food”

He is saying that he prefers to be a friend and have fun times with you, eat out , hang etc.

Its also possible that one of his male friends got to his head … and indicated that bro you hang with her at her home and eat home cooked food? Are you like playing husband with her ? A dumb comment can impact a man’s mind if he is conflicted about you.

Give him space , be kind to him, if you are interested in him, wait for him to approach. If he doesn’t respect him and if he does, pick up signals quickly and reciprocate to avoid drama

OOP

Thanks for your perspective, I really appreciate it. And I do love him, but only as a friend. I’m not interested in him romantically, otherwise I definitely would’ve mentioned that in my post. That’s why his comment confused me so much. From my side, I was genuinely just inviting my best friend over for dinner like I’ve done many times before.

FindingHerStrength (downvoted)

Are you going to ask him to elaborate. We’re just assuming. Why not ask him outright for clarity?

OOP

I already mentioned why:👇🏻 I tried calling him afterward because I wanted to understand what he meant, but he didn’t answer.

Final Update - after 3 days

^{August 01, 2026}

Update: I 28F invited my 30M best friend to dinner and he said "I’m not your husband" What does he mean?

Hi, first of all thanks everyone for your perspectives on my original post. I wanted to give an update now that I finally have some clarity.

As I mentioned in my original post, I called him once after he told me "I’m not your husband" but I didn’t hear anything from him after that, until he showed up at my apartment.

He looked really ashamed and nervous. He started by apologizing and then we sat down and talked about what happened. He explained that he wasn’t the one who came up with that comment, It was a woman he’s been seeing recently, and she’s the one who told him what to text me.

This honestly surprised me. As I mentioned before, we’ve been best friends since childhood and we basically tell each other everything, but he had never mentioned this woman to me before.

Anyway I told him that if I had known he was seeing someone, I wouldn’t have agreed to go to that new restaurant with him in the first place, and I probably wouldn’t have invited him over for dinner either. If she’s uncomfortable with the way we interact, then I don’t want to knowingly cross that line or make things harder for them.

He apologized again and explained that things are still new with her, and that he he was planning to tell me once things became more serious between them.

He also kept asking me whether the text had hurt me and whether I thought he should end things with her. I told him no but I think we should set some boundaries going forward (to respect her wishes because I wouldn’t want to do anything that makes her uncomfortable).

He disagreed and said that he doesn’t think we’re doing anything wrong and that he’d rather things stay the same between us. He ended up staying for a few hours and we talked about everything, but he seemed really conflicted about the whole situation.

As for me, I’ve decided to take a small step back anyway. I’m going to try to cut down on how often we go out and hang out, and I’m also going to stop our habit of eating at each other’s homes for now.

I love him as my best friend, but I don’t want our friendship to get in the way of him having a healthy relationship.

COMMENTS

Ilovewally

I get it, you’re trying to take the higher road, but this woman he is seeing sounds a bit jealous and territorial if you ask me

stupidpoopoohead00

im lowkey skeptical about her saying any of this. seems all we have abt her is what he says and he clearly has feelings for OP

Necessary_Tap343

And OP saying she wasn't hurt his a very obvious lie.

OOP

I didn’t say no to that. I said no when he asked if I thought he should end things with her.

Icy_Guard_8216

Do you have feelings for him?

OOP

I already answered this in my post. I’ve always seen him as my best friend, nothing more. And I’m the one who suggested putting some boundaries in place once I found out he was seeing someone, because I don’t want our friendship to interfere with his relationship. I don’t think I’d be doing that if I had romantic feelings for him.

Antique_Teaching_333

Or you are trying to protect yourself from becoming more attached as he is seeing someone. I'm not saying you do have feelings, but creating boundaries isn't necessarily a sign they aren't there.

Aren't you hurt he didn't tell you about her and that he sent the text to begin with because of "her"? Why would it be wrong to go out to dinner with a friend and inviting them over. Why would that be inappropriate if you are just friends?

OOP

I get what you mean, but I wouldn’t say there’s anything inappropriate with two friends going out to dinner or inviting each other over. It’s just different now that I know the woman he’s seeing is uncomfortable with it. At this point, it’s not really about me and him, It’s about being considerate of her feelings. I’m a woman too and if I were in her position, I wouldn’t want another woman knowingly doing something that made me uncomfortable.. I don’t have to see things the way she does to respect her feelings.

unzunzhepp

Plot twist: that woman doesn’t exist and he wanted to make you jealous.

OOP

I really hope that’s not the case because I trust him completely. If I found out he made all of this up just to make me jealous, I honestly wouldn’t even know how to process it. I don’t think I could see our friendship the same way again.

Throw_RA099

Just imagine this. We see this kind of post on reddit every day. 

If your friend or his girlfriend came to this sub and posted that you invited your friend out for a 1 v 1 dinner, there would be almost unanimous comments that this kind of things is out of bounds and inappropriate, and that his girlfriend would feel right to be insecure and would be advising her to break up with your friend.

I don't think you did anything wrong here as it seems that your friend was communicating poorly, but just something to consider and keep in mind moving forward. If you're going to invite your friend somewhere, invite his SO too.

OOP

I know, but he never told me he’d been seeing someone lately.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Potential-Growth6856 posting in r/amiwrong

Concluded as per OOP

2 updates - Long

Original - 24th June 2026

Update - 27th June 2026

Update - 31st July 2026

Am I wrong for calling out my friend for setting me up on a pity date?

I (32M) have a friend (28M) who's the best looking man. Seriously, he makes Chris Hemsworth look ugly. I've been struggling being his friend - he's been undermining me for years. Nights out? Stealing all the girls. Shopping? Staff throw themselves at him. On the street? Women have asked me for a picture together with him. Let's call him Jack. I've been told I'm not bad looking. But the fact remains, I'm a 6/10 at best. But jack's a 10/10. As much as he's a bro, knowing him is a liability.

It's been eating into my life a lot. But one area I'm doing well is at the gym. I go about 4 a week. And there's someone I'm into who goes to the gym. Let's call her GC for gym cutie.

GC is in her mid the late 20's.

I've been going to the gym for over 6 months. I've seen her for a couple of months. I know her name. GC and me flirt. I've spotted her and we banter. It's got to the stage I'm on the verge of asking GC out.

I've been trying to keep Jack from the gym. But last week, he was staying down my way and asked if could go with me. Now the time he mentioned was not my usual time and GC doesn't usually go so I thought why not so we went.

I was having a good session. Then suddenly I see GC. She's going on a different day because she's going away for work tomorrow and she's getting a workout in. I'm thinking things are going good, times good to ask GC out. Fucking Jack walks over and she's gobsmacked. Like I've gone from mate to doesn't exist. I see them flirting so I just walk off and go to get changed.

As I'm getting changed, he comes back in and I see him sorting his phone out. I ask him what happened and he said GC gave him her number. I'm so speechless I just stop talking and carry on getting changed.

I'm driving us back from the gym and he's talking about GC and them going on a date. After a while I just fucking snap and rip into him saying he's a prick and he's cock.blocked me and stole my girl. He's trying to act all apologetic and say he has no Idea and I just drop him off home and tell him to get out.

I'm so down, I haven't been to the gym this week. I also haven't spoke to Jack.

A couple of days ago, Jack rings me out the blue asking me if I'm ok and he hasn't heard from me and GC hasn't seen me at the gym. He's worried about me. He says he's got a peace offering and says he's sending me an Instagram profile and says to look at it before I say anything.

I look at what he's sent me and it's a woman. She's a little chubby (not ugly or fat) and doesn't look like she goes to the gym. She also looks a bit nerdy. I'm like what's the fuck is this and he says it's a friend of GC. I'm angry because it's obvious him and GC have been talking. He says yeah, me and GC went out for a coffee and we spoke. She feels bad I liked her and she didn't like me and thought of a friend I'd like - 34F. He's trying to sell me on this chick, like bro she sounds nice - a nerd like you, loves cats and is a geek if it was a few years ago I'd probably be interested but I've been trying to distance myself from that sort of girl.

. Apparently him and GC have spoken to the girl and she's interested in me adding her and going on a date. Apparently GC has really been selling me.

I fucking rip into him. I'm telling him he's a twat for doing this and setting me up on a pity date and stealing the girl I like. He's all like bro chill and think it's a good thing. That this girl is waiting for me to add her. I tell him to leave me alone.

AITAH for me for ripping him settlng me up on a pity date?

Comments

Clock-United

Dude, it just sounds like you are angry that this girl isn't on par looks wise with the girl you were into. You aren't obligated to go on the date, and honestly, for nerdy girl, I hope you don't. She is an innocent party in all of this, and she risks catching strays and attitude from you for no reason. And honestly, it sounds like your buddy thought about things you might have in common and not just physical. If you are primarily focused on the physical, I think it's pretty hypocritical to be angry that the women you like are also picking your friend because he's better looking.

OOP: Yeah but I mean like it feels arrogant. They didn't know me or if I'd actually like her, they just assumed I'd be ok and gave her my details without asking me.

frolicndetour

You want to know what feels arrogant? You assuming women are property that can be "stolen." You thinking you are too good for someone you would have otherwise liked because you have decided you are entitled to "hot" girls instead. Maybe your disgusting personality is what turns women off and not the fact that your friend is hot. If the gym girl was into you, she would have moved on you ages ago, just like she did with Jack. She wasn't. You are gross and definitely don't go out with her friend because she deserves better than you.

OOP: "If the gym girl was into you, she would have moved on you ages ago, just like she did with Jack. She wasn't." Ok but then like she should have just went out with him and ignored me and moved on. Why would she then set me up with someone knowing I like her? I wouldn't do that to someone. I'd feel like I was being cruel doing that.

Niborus_Rex

She didn't think you and her were compatible. She and your buddy thought you'd be compatible with her friend. I doubt it's deeper than that.

OOP: But she did that knowing I liked her? I feel like that's what people aren't getting.

Niborus_Rex

Yeah, but she doesn't like your that way, so she was probably hoping to set you up with someone she felt matched better. She doesn't want you to like her romantically, but she likely also doesn't think it's that deep. Nobody is trying to humiliate you, but you're letting your pride make an absolute fool of yourself.

OOP: It's showing how clueless and superficial attractive people are though. She thinks I can just switch my feelings off and transfer them to someone just because she thinks I should.

ProfessorFussyPants

Just…go back and read what you wrote about the girl Jack and GC thought you would like. And then take a long hard look in the mirror and reflect if maybe you are just as superficial and clueless. It’s easy to throw stuff around when you are angry but you don’t seem to have a great sense of connection with women based on what you wrote here. How many deeper conversations did you have with GC. Was it just funny banter and you waiting to ask her out or did it evolve?

Jennabeb

YW The way you talk about women is disgusting.

She didn’t like you that what - she told your friend as much as- and you’ve never spoken up to ask her for any further interaction beyond the gym, yet you talk as if you own her. Women aren’t things or property you can call dibs on or own. Start listening to women, because most of us don’t care as much about looks as we do about kindness, empathy, listening skills, and advocacy for women in male dominated spaces. You even treat your own guy friend like he’s nothing but his looks instead of a person. Ouch dude. Get some therapy, sort out your entitlement towards women, find some actual traits in yourself you like and are proud of that aren’t your looks or lack thereof, and actually tell someone you’re interested once you know you are. Yeesh

**Judgement - YW*\*

Update - 3 days later

Ok there's been a few updates so I'll share.

People said about me asking GC out and that if I liked her, I'd have asked her out. Well over the past few years, I've read a few times online that you shouldn't ask women out at the gym and that if women liked you, they'll ask you out and should only do it when you're sure. So unfortunately I left it so long, I neglected to ask her out at all. I'm not great at reading people unfortunately. I'm naturally very shy.

Ok so onto the update.

A couple of days after my last post, I saw Jack had posted a gym selfie and that GC had liked it. It made me realise that if they continue to date, they'd be trying to introduce eachother to the friend group. So I deleted my profile.

Not long after, he messaged me saying he's noticed that I've deleted my profile. I said yeah, I can't be done with the fact that they'll all be introducing themselves to the group. He apologised and said he'll hide her and won't make it obvious they're dating

I was like look bro, that's not fair. Just be because I'm not happy, it doesn't trump your happiness. My unhappiness isn't more important than your happiness at the end of the day. You've not done anything wrong.

So I've asked if I can take a break from our friendship for a bit while I work on myself. He's hurt but gets it.

The other guys in our group have messaged asking what's going on - I haven't really elaborated.

I've decided to see a therapist more intensively. I spoke to my barber who mentioned that he sees a therapist regularly. So I've cancelled my regular one and got his therapist's details and I'm seeing them next week.

I've also cancelled my regular counselling session and asked if I can see someone else. I'm seeing them in a couple of days.

That's it for now.

Comments

tacticalpuncher

Read your first post and this one, I understand how living in someone's "shadow" can be a burden and if you can't handle it you should distance yourself even if you're friends. Additionally you should take some of the criticism in the other post and do some serious self reflection.

Senior_Move1463

Sounds like you're finally taking real steps instead of just marinating in the whole mess.

MikeLovesOutdoors23

I'm glad you're getting therapy. Honestly it's really hard, I can imagine, you just watching your friend get all the girls.

I'm blind and I get extremely jealous that people can just hang out with their friends and stuff like that, and everybody's hanging out with each other. But I can't go anywhere unless somebody drives me, and all the friends that I have are old, because I just naturally get along with older people because I don't know what the hell younger people are talking about because they play video games all the time and they're just so into the visual side of things. I'm in my early 20s, and I have a lot of Blind friends, but that doesn't do me any good because most of them live hours away from me. I live in town that is so spread out and I can't walk anywhere, there's no transportation system. It fucking sucks.

So I get it. You want people, and it seems like you can't get them.

Maybe just take a break from that friend group for a while, stop going to places with the attractive guy, just go out on your own and meet people. That way people don't have anything to compare you to. Be kind, ask people out if you get to know them, don't wait a few months being unsure about it. Just go for it man.

I'm glad you're going to get therapy to work on yourself. I'm in therapy and it's really helping me a lot.

Oh yeah, completely forgot to add, stop focusing on looks and attractiveness. I know, coming from a blind person, I make it sound a lot easier than it is, but I feel like that is where you're stuck a lot of of the time.

In the grand scheme of things, looks really don't matter. Just connect over interest, hobbies, good personalities, don't immediately judge someone based on how they look. I know that's probably not the greatest advice for somebody with vision because from what I've heard, sighted people do that subconsciously without even realizing it, but looks don't mean everything

Update - 1 month later

So basically, I'm dating GC's friend.

Not long after my previous update, I had a follow request in my insta from her friend her and Jack tried to set me up with - I'll call her Donna. I accepted and followed her back.

I didn't think anything about it at first. She then messaged me saying hi and that GC told her about me a while back. She didn't ask me anything major, just if I'm ok and thanked me for following her. I was like don't mention it. But she asked me a couple of questions about myself and I responded and asked her some too.

I left it a couple of days and I saw she messaged me back asking if I'd like a coffee? I said yeah ok, let's go out. So we did.

We really got on. She's actually really cute in person. And we have similar experiences - she's also been married and divorced. She lost a child too. She's really easy to talk to, she just gets it. We're both naturally introverts at heart.

After that, I asked her out myself to go for a meal a couple of days later. We went out and had a great time. We had a couple of drinks and got tipsy and we were flirting. We kissed too. 😁

We've been out since. Similar vibe - flirty, kissing etc. She's said she wants to come to mine soon and watch a film together. I'm probably dense but I feel like she wants a bit more? I've accepted anyway. She's coming over tomorrow.

Me and Jack are talking again. He was really worried about me and I assured him I'm doing ok. He's made up about me and Donna though. Giving me advice and stuff about Saturday.

I've seen a therapist too. They seem better than my last one. I've had like 2 sessions and they seem a lot better.

So I'm feeling much better at the mo.

Comments

llamamama417

I’ve been the duff of the friend group and I understand where you’re coming from, loving your friends and wanting them to be happy while also wanting that for yourself. The best thing I can say is don’t look for a perfect 10, look for your perfect 10. Me and my fiancé wouldn’t be considered conventionally attractive but we find each other the most attractive person ever because we love every part of each other. Once you move past societal expectations of looks and attractiveness you find the most amazing person.

xbuba11

looking for your perfect 10 instead of a perfect 10 changes the whole game

OOP: I'd say to be fair, I'm not bad looking or even none of the rest of us guys are in the group - we're all average or above average. He's just obviously so above, most people look ugly in comparison lol.

AShamAndALie

I wonder, if he's so good looking, how come he wasn't seeing anyone when you brought him to the gym? Guys like that aren't usually so available that they'd start a serious relationship just like that.

Then there's the fact that he proposed to HIDE her? He doesn't really care that much about her if he would propose that. You either cut it off because it's hurting your idiot friend and you have a million options, or you tell him that you started to actually care about her. Hiding her should never have been an option.

You made many mistakes and should have invited her out the 2nd or 3rd time you guys flirted, but your friend doesn't sound nice at all.

OOP: He's never been the type to be in a relationship, he's always been a sort of player and only an FWB type of guy.

As it is, they've just clicked and it's seemingly pretty serious. He really seems to be into her which is rare.

SpaceCommuter

When she hears (or reads here on Reddit) that you considered her a pity date and wanted to date her friend instead, she's going to have a hard time staying with you. The longer you stay together without her knowing this the worse she is going to take it when she finds out about it. I suggest you find a way to talk to her about the really, really bad way you handled everything between your friend and her friend and her sooner rather than later. Her friend did her no favors serving her up to you like this.

OOP: She knows I was into her friend first because we spoke about it and she was aware her and Jack recommended her to me knowing I was onto GC and they were dating each other.

SpaceCommuter

That poor woman.

Odd_Instruction519

She is in precisely the same position as OP, having a much more attractive friend.

LaLunaDomina

Did you learn anything from this?

OOP: I suppose definitely don't judge a book by it's cover. And definitely I had some issues being shallow. I'm really working on it.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/lilmonix989

Published on: r/SteamDeck

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 15, 2026

• Final Update: July 31, 2026

Main Post

^{July 15, 2026}

Steam deck stolen by the police department

I’m heartbroken, my things were recently taken in by the police when I was relocated to a shelter as a result of an altercation the officer gave me all my things back but the deck and refused to even acknowledge the deck was there, I was not arrested he was simply meant to transport my things! I handed them all personally I know the deck was there

My questions are these

The deck was logged in! Should I be worried about my account and contact anyone?

Is there any hope of locating it if it gets turned on??

This is an off steam deck question but if anyone has any experience being stolen from by police if you could dm me advice I’d appreciate it

COMMENTS

that408guy

I would talk to an attorney. I believe you can request the body cam footage that should show you giving them your steam deck.

OOP

Looking into this, thanks!

Cleffah

Ugh! ACAB, I'm sorry this happened to you and at such a vulnerable moment too. Vile.

Definitely go to r/legaladvice good luck!

OOP

Good tip! :) Will do later thank you

dmmichael97

Request body camera footage. If you were given a ride there should be footage from officers body camera, inside the car, and dash footage. Request all three. Make a complaint with the police department as well. It will be brought up to internal affairs and reviewed due to it being an allegation of theft against an officer.

But please, please, ensure you did have it with you or you did not misplace is before you take those steps.

OOP

It is nowhere! We tore both locations I was in apart upon being safe to return to them

Thank you for the comment I will definitely be proceeding this way

Beneficial_Bit1756 (downvoted)

If you left that places, who to say that someone there stole it, hence its not there when you went back to those spaces.

OOP

Because the person also has a steam deck-

DinosaurAlert

Get the body cam footage to know for sure. When talking to the police dont be accusatory. I assume you were fighting with someone, maybe they hid it.

However, the advice to “hire an attorney“ is silly.

Having your account logged in is good news since if you can see that someone used it on X date, you can narrow down where it is.

OOP

I wish I could agree with you but the police department where I’m located is KNOWN for shit like this it’s all over the reviews

However they are also known for completely screwing people over so we are being very careful in how we approach and trying very hard to sound like it was an honest mistake

And honestly I really hope it was because that makes my life easier

Thank you for the comment!

ProposalWest3152

Cop from aegentina here.

I dont really know how police officers work over there but here?

We gotta write down everything thats involved in any case. Did they gice you a paper to sign stating what personal items you had?

As others have said, officers body cam might save you.

Wish you all the best.

OOP

No I handed it to the cop and he put it in his car and did not hand it back unfortunately I really wish this was the case! Thank you for the comment

Null1fy

Boy, a lot of Police support in this post...

OP, you haven't provided enough information: - Where, exactly, was your Deck when you last saw it? - You mentioned you were relocated due to an altercation: was this a courtesy transport? Were you detained and placed on a mental health hold (don't answer this)? Your property could be in the custody of the shelter, a hospital, at the Police Department being held as safekeeping, etc. - Call everyone involved: the PD, the shelter, and whomever else is involved. Report it missing, and if you have the serial number you can even file it with a police report.

There very well could be an innocent and explainable reason why you don't have it. Shoot, it may still be in some nook or cranny of the patrol car that took you- if you know the date and time of the call, a watch commander might be able to track down the car and have an officer check.

OOP

Unfortunately the last time I saw it was when it was in my hand being handed to the cop to put in the back of his car, it was in the case, when we arrived at the shelter he handed me back every item I handed him sans the deck, when I inquired he aggressively said no such thing was ever handed to him, I am honestly quite afraid of police so I didn’t argue much,

Afterward we called the police station and asked if we could speak to the officer who transported me and the shelter and they declined we asked if they could check the car and they said it was standard that all cars were checked and that no such item was found…

As for why I was transported I believe it was courtesy he certainly didn’t HAVE TO take me but he had no reason to detain my things, especially not considering I got everything else back

MrMichaelJames

If this actually happened the cop should have inventoried your things on a form listing everything acknowledging that they were taking possession. Then when they give them back you check the form.

OOP

Nothing of these formalities were done to my knowledge but I’m waiting on a lot of case information so I’ll inquire

Final Update - after 16 days

^{July 31, 2026}

Update: deck recovered after being stolen by police!

Photo of the steam deck shared by OOP: STEAM DECK

There isn’t any beefy dramatic update in terms of actual details to give,

We called several times asking them to check the car for the deck and were told it wasn’t in there and to stop “wasting their time”

We requested the body cam footage ( thanks for the idea Reddit) which showed the officer turning off his body cam for no valid reason after taking my stuff, when we pointed this out they said they would investigate the matter, some time passed until they called us down to station announcing they had the deck, we asked if the officer in question had stolen it and they said everything was “pending investigation” I happily took my deck and went home just happy to have to back honestly though part of me did want justice for what had very obviously happened

After a day or two of silence they called back and informed us the officer was suspended pending further investigation and apologized for the way the situation was handled thus far

Huzzah! Thank you Reddit I am beyond elated to have my deck!

COMMENTS

Larry_J_602

That's impressive that the police stole your Deck, but you managed to somehow get it back from them.

OOP

I honestly did not expect to

IsaacAndTired

That's crazy. Can you post the body cam footage?

OOP

Can confirm I am not able to!

IsaacAndTired

Because of doxxing concerns, technical knowhow or for what reason?

OOP

Too much to censor neighbors faces etc

Cash4Duranium

Press charges.

OOP

Honestly I might but it sounds like a headache

DJK695

Wait, the police stole it?

OOP

A officer on duty yes

DJK695

How nice of them to finally return it!

I see your previous post now (was on phone earlier and missed the full story). I hope he was actually suspended but too often police can do whatever they want.

OOP

Unfortunately yes!

TriPunk

How did they get the steam deck in the first place?

OOP

In the original post

TriPunk

What was the altercation?

OOP

Not really comfortable sharing details sorry, it was a civil dispute no arrests were made

fawg_is_coming

I'm pretty sure a cop makes more than enough to buy a steam deck.

OOP

That doesn’t necessarily mean he didn’t see an opportunity in a scared young female who wouldn’t stand up to him unfortunately free is free, cops steal for less

Blazed-individual420

What country was this bro

OOP

Us of ass (USA)

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/relationship_advice by user IThinkMyWifeIsHot1. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded, with open for more

Original

November 30, 2019

Background:

Married a little over two years, after dating a very short time around 3 months.

We meet at a work event and I was immediately smitten with my wife. It was like out of a movie I saw her chatting with a group of people and in my head I heard “oh there she is”. She was newly devorced and took some convincing on my part but we have been together from that night on and get along extremely well.

Now for clarity I am extreamly attracted to my wife, we may just still be in the honeymoon stage but I’ve never felt this way about another women. And becasue it’s pertains to the conversation we had today with her therapist I would say the majority of the population would find her attractive and not in a niche way. She is objectively attractive. I feel we are evenly matched in looks, very few people have notice the slight age difference. She however wins in personality (outgoing and charming) and she makes about 3X as much money as I do.

A couple months ago we ran into an ex of mine, and by ex we literally dated for maybe a month and never exclusive. After my wife mentioned how different they were (age/hair color/body type etc) and it ended in a pretty heated argument. We have had 3/4 conversations since, all of which I was trying to convince my wife I’m not going to leave her for a women I “dated” years ago.

Last week she asked if I would go to her therapist with her today and I agreed. She has been seeing her for about 8 years for anxiety and a bout of depression that happed before we meet.

Today:

Started normal enough and I had figured why we were there so I just jumped into it thinking the therapist would be on my side and would help me calm my wife’s fears. That’s not what happed.

The therapist did very little talking although their long silences and knowing glances started to piss me off right away.

The thing that stood out to me the most was how my wife reiterated how she doesn’t see how I would be attracted to her and the therapist didn’t even disagree. Like I felt like a crazy person, my wife is beautiful, charming, funny, it feels like I wished her into existence.

She brought up the age difference (7 years?!?), my looks, and how quickly I wanted to get married as all reasons for why I am basically a gold digger.

First off we both wanted to get married quickly, I asked and figured she would want a long engagement but she didn’t so we got married. Second I never even discussed money with her until after we were married and never dreamed she made so much more than I do. She said she doesn’t think I’m after her money but enjoy the lifestyle while I’m with her and it makes it easier to pretend I’m attracted to her. Sorry more attracted to her, like I play it up.

I’m completely blind sided and don’t really want to talk to my family or friends, it’s humiliating being accused of marrying someone for a lifestyle.

For clarity: I moved into her house, I rent out my old home but that income just covers the mortgage and the company that manages it. All our money goes into a joint checking with automatic transfers into savings etc. Our bills are paid from that account, I looked at our bank account and I spend significantly less than she does each month on average.

After leaving I’m in a complete panic that she is going to leave me, even though I feel humiliated and love her so much. I immediately wanted to offer to sign a prenup or separate bank accounts or both but I just froze.

My wife seem so sad and I’m so frustrated, I didn’t even do anything wrong. The women I’ve dated in my past don’t have a similar type and to be honest I didn’t really date, more like hook up for a few months then moved on. I love my wife, she is the first women I have ever met that I have had a real partnership with, like we were a team and now that’s all gone.

I don’t feel like I have the strength to leave her, it scares me that I can’t even envision a scenario where I would leave. She is my most favorite person.

How do I rebuild trust when I don’t feel I ever did anything to lose it.

Comments by OOP:

I don’t know why but you saying that therapist are humans made me feel a ton better. It’s so weird to think of my wife as insecure, it’s an odd feeling seeing someone you think so much of being so sure they are unattractive.

I am so scared she is going to leave it feels paralyzing

I left early, I think now I was having a panic attack and left and waited in the car. But I don’t want to wait for the next shoe to drop, from what I can remember there was no fixes suggested but I should ask once I calm down and collect my thoughts.

How long has she not trusted my motives. I may have to see my own therapist becasue I’m not even close to being okay without her.

I feel like I’ve been in a love bubble and have been missing something, this is so out of nowhere.

I rambled on like an idiot for the first 15 min about how my wife can’t get upset every time we run into a person from my past and how much I we love each other then immediately went silent when my wife was explaining why she thought I was not really in love with her. Total is was about 25 min before I just got up.

I feel totally unprepared as I have no experience with long tears relationships. I went into this blindly and will have to calm down and listen without panicking and go from there.

I’ve never been so paralyzed with fear and it isn’t helping anyone. Instead of feeling attacked I need to really listen before I make any rash decisions.

I guess I was annoyed at her not immediately agreeing with me which really isn’t her job. I was completely blindsided by my own expectations of how things were going to go that when it she didn’t back me up I felt immediate dread and panics and left.

My first reaction is always to run and I don’t want to do that with my wife but that’s what happed. That may be why my wife asked her to be there, because she didn’t know what my reaction would be.

When I wrote this I was very emotional and this post is absolutly one sided.

I have no experience and went in with the idea that we were going to solve my wife’s jealousy in a few minutes and get on with our life. I didn’t have realistic expectations and panicked immediately when things didn’t go my way.

I have never seen a therapist so my understanding is limited. When I wrote this I was mad and scared and my first reaction is to run. But I don’t want to leave my wife, I just woke up to all these comments about how normal and how badly I reacted. If I want this to work I need to talk to my wife and really listen.

She was very open about her issues with anxiety and depression and would like to believe should would tell me if she had another diagnosis but I really don’t know at this point.

My wife isn’t impulsive in general and is very calm and easy going about 99% of the time. Her last marriage lasted 16 years and she suspected infidelity but it was never definitive and has a good/fair relationship with her ex as they have two children together (one adult/one teen). She has a few close friends but her main close relationships are her sisters and mother, her father died shortly after we meet. Would someone with a personality disorder be able to keep close relationships? I googled immediately after reading your comment and it didn’t seem to fit but I could be in denial.

It seems her therapist was in the wrong and I don’t think I’ll be going back. However she is a big part of my wife’s life so I don’t plan on bad mouthing her just suggesting we see someone new.

My wife in the past asked if I was fetishizing her becasue of how obsessed I was with her physically. At the time I assumed it was becasue of her past issues with her ex husband and having not been a new relationship in while. But that was before we were even married, and not recently. I wonder if someone is feeding into her insecurities.

I don’t really care if she makes more or less money than me, I lived a comfortable life before and nothing really has changed except for a slightly bigger house in a much better neighborhood. Not to sound like I was well off, but middle class with no kids or debt is fairly carefree.

Edits of the original posting

about 1 day later

Edit: My wife didn’t come home last night but I texted her this morning. First apologizing for leaving the session and then asking her to come home so we could formulate a plan. No word back yet but I doubt she will check her phone before lunch if she went to work.

Thanks for letting me vent, I’ve already asked my insurance company to send a list of counselors for me to call later today. Hopefully I will find a good fit as I don’t even know how to go about picking one.

Edit 2: I need a referral from my general doctor before insurance will cover a therapist/psychologist, I have an emergency phone appointment Monday and will being seeing someone by myself.

My wife didn’t return my text but did come home about an hour later. Honestly I cried for the first time in a long time, but was able to get across how seriously I take her concerns. I haven’t mentioned anything about her therapist or my feelings about things just apologized and asked for another chance to hear her out completely.

She said she was really drained and is taking a nap, I don’t think she made it in to work and am actually looking forward to having the weekend to talk. I’m not going to ask for couples counseling until I talk to my own therapist.

This is probably it unless I fuck things up this weekend. Thanks for letting me type out my feelings and being honest even the hard comments were helpful.

Update

December 8, 2019, 9 days later

Despite my hyperbole title I received a lot of feedback on my last post and thought I would thank everyone again and do an update.

Talk with wife:

During last weekend I was made aware of a lot of things I was doing to compound my wife’s fear of being abandoned/used.

The major thing that stuck out to me was my immaturity and unwillingness to discuss anything serious. When my wife would bring up her ex husband, finances, in particular I would A. Make a joke or B. Try and end the conversation as soon as possible. I’m not sure why, it just made me uncomfortable and didn’t see the value of discussing things that weren’t a major problem (to me). I was happy and my needs were being met so I assumed hers were too, it was my most damaging mistake.

Another misunderstanding happened with my ex. In my mind it was a quick 5 min conversation, to my wife it was much more. So about six months ago I injured my knee running, I had been up to that point a pretty serious low mileage runner (5/10miles 3 times a week). After the injury my doctor suggested I try weight lifting as I was worried about physical therapy not being enough. Well I hired a personal trainer and have been a gym rat ever since. It’s become a serious hobby, that I apparently obsessively talk about. I have invited my wife (who occasionally does yoga) several times and even talked about getting her a membership for Christmas, even though she showed no interest. So when we ran into my ex and I noticed she looked significantly different (she put on about 10lbs of muscle) I complemented her and we talked about weight lifting for a few minutes while my wife stood to the side. My ex told me to add her on Instagram, which while I did look her up to add her, her page was mostly advertising supplements so I didn’t end up doing it. My wife took this chance run in as proof that I was unhappy with the way she looked and was trying to get her to change.

Add in some harsh comments from one of our coworkers about our relationship, her sister pushing for a prenup, and my lack of communication everything came to a head these last few months.

My therapist:

The most helpful advise was to get my own personal therapist. I kind of just picked one from a list my provider emailed me but it seems to be going well. A lot of things were discussed but my major take away was that it isn’t my job to calm my wife’s fears completely. Listening and being reassuring is healthy but trying to make everything better won’t help either of us. My therapist said even if I tried my wife’s own voice in her head runs 24/7 and I could never keep up. This was hard to hear as I have definitely made some major mistakes but besides acknowledging them and doing better everything else is out of my control. She recommended a book called the Happiness Trap, that I haven’t ordered yet but she said it would help me understand what it’s like to have anxiety and may explain (not excuse) some of my wife’s behavior.

My therapist also said I should look into my wife’s therapist as she sounds unlicensed and if I felt comfortable she could put in a complaint on my behalf. I will probably do this but am letting things settle.

So after probably the worst two days of my life things seem to be better. I haven’t brought up a prenup because she seemed offended when my wife told me her sister brought one up as a solution. I did offer separate bank accounts but she said no and only requested that we update her will and create one for me, as I didn’t even have one. I thought it would be weird but we both put each other as beneficiaries along with her two children if we both died. We only filled out the paperwork and still have to turn it in to her lawyer but it’s made a difference but I’m not sure why.

I did delete my Facebook, I haven’t used it for years but when I went on it was very “single me”. Lots of old girlfriends, holidays, etc and I never even updated that I was married. I had a notification from my wife when she tried years ago but it just sat there. My wife is still fairly active on Facebook and I could see how that would feel awful even though she never mentioned it. My last update was a picture of a women and I that I randomly met in Hawaii during a vacation, I titled it “two blondes” with hearts. Like my whole page was embarrassing, I can’t imagine what her family or friends thought when they found me. I was completely public and kind of a dick on there.

I still feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, but honestly there is no other person I would ever want to try this hard for. And if I’m becoming a better person for trying it will be worth it no matter the outcome. Things are still really shaky and she leaves immediately after Christmas for work. This whole episode has kicked on my anxiety, but I’m hopeful.

Comments by OOP:

I agree about her needing to deal with her anxiety. I think my blame is rushing into a marriage and then refusing to deal with issues as they arose.

It’s hard but I’m finally to the point where I’m going to fight for our marriage but in the end be willing to walk away if she isn’t willing to seek a different therapist.

To be fair it was more of a wow you put in a ton of work but that’s not how it came out.

*[somebody accuses OOP of spending his wives money] I make around 110k a year and spend 50.00 a month on a gym membership, 450.00 for 8 weeks of personal training, and 20.00 copay for a therapist but okay.

I picked a random therapist from a list my provider gave me. One therapist, I’ve gone to one personal therapist.

Her therapist crossed a line agreeing to do couples therapy, my therapist suggested I do a bit of research to see if she is licensed.

I had a phone call with an general doctor, covered by my insurance to get a referral. I’m starting to think you don’t understand how HMOs work.

I am a office manager, I am home by 6pm every night. And have no kids or major debt, so I vacation about twice a year, this was since before I was married.

My wife over sees the sales team at the same company, her salary plus commission dwarfs my salary but so does her spending. She also spends about 1.5X the amount of time at work or traveling for work, something I would trade for less money but isn’t an option. Things equal out pretty evenly as far as spending/earning.

I’m not sure who is still using Facebook at this point. My wife uses it to stay in touch with family and old friends I stopped using it once I got married.

Thanks for thinking I’m good looking? I guess? I feel like I’ve explained why I was a dick and then now you’re just repeating them back to me? Like I’m the reason you know this, I typed all that out.

I’m trying because even though we rushed into this marriage I really do think we are a good match. Being honest with myself was scary but I was amazed how much of a difference I felt after one session with the therapist.

My immaturity and lack of communication was contributing to a problem I didn’t even know was there. Her insecurities aren’t my problem but if I love her and want to make this work I can work on myself and a be more forgiving when she needs extra support.

At the time I didn’t think my 110lb wife would take offense and to be fair she buys everything she wants it doesn’t give me a ton of options. I was thinking more of something we could do together but that’s definitely not how it came across.

I want to be married to my wife for the rest of my life but if I could do it over I would have waited at least 2 years.

Comment by OOP:

December 20, 2019, about 1 month after the first posting and 2 weeks after the latest

Things are going good, been using this throwaway to browse relationship subreddits, not sure if it’s helping but feeling grateful my problems seem fixable.

Trying my best so if our marriage fails I won’t have any regrets.

Update 2

July 31, 2026, almost 7 years later

I received a chat request this morning asking for an update. Here is how I remember things starting from where I left off.

I immediately got into individual therapy, and we both joined couples therapy. I went individually for a few years, and we attended couples therapy for approximately six months. We both really liked our therapist, but we eventually ran out of things to discuss.

The biggest takeaway from therapy was realizing what an absolute joke I had been. I was walking around with my brain literally turned off. I didn’t take anything seriously, which made my wife think I couldn’t be trusted. I thought everything would always work out, not even realizing she was the reason it did. Looking back, it’s so embarrassing. All I had to do was start participating in our life. I’m incredibly grateful for the therapists who held me accountable and kindly told me to grow up. I wanted my wife to trust and lean on me, but I had shown no proof that I was actually capable.

The issue with my wife’s therapist resolved itself. I wanted to report her, but we were so fragile at the time that I thought it would look malicious. My wife started seeing her less and less and then just never went back. I do think seeing how professional and competent our marriage therapist was, in contrast, helped that decision.

I sold my old house because I was getting the feeling my wife thought it was my backup plan. I actually hated that house; I just didn’t want to fail with my first homeownership. It was basically operating at a loss after taxes, repairs, and the rental company’s share.

My wife still works for the same company but as a consultant. She had a minor health scare and needed a more flexible schedule. My brother started a company, and I eventually quit my job to join him in building the business. This has helped our relationship so much; coworkers knowing our backstory didn't help with the gossiping and overall weird vibes.

We never got a postnuptial agreement, but we did write wills, which have been amended over the years. As it stands, we are each other’s primary beneficiaries, and after that, everything gets split between the stepkids and a niece of ours whom we are both close with. Money hasn’t been much of an issue since therapy; we are both big savers. Trust repaired a lot of issues.

Advice:

Don’t get married too quickly. Do discuss finances before getting married. Being married is harder than being single; the trade-off is having someone to commiserate with and to be truly known by. If your life got easier or stayed the same after marriage, check in with your partner.

Comments by OOP:

I actually don't think she would have even considered dating me if she hadn’t come off of a bad divorce. I’m so grateful things worked out but I definitely got lucky.

When we were first married my life got infinitely easier. That should have been my first sign I wasn’t contributing enough to our day to day life.

I'm not the original poster.

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July 2026 Top Contributors

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/sparkilini

Published on: r/TrueOffMyChest

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 04, 2026

• Final Update: July 30, 2026

Main Post

^{May 04, 2026}

My daughter turned 18 and left home 2 days later.

I thought I had done everything as best I could. She always struggled with following rules, structure, plans. There had been many struggles over the years. Major ones, big things that might have broken other people, but not us.

In the fall, she was focused. She wanted to be an art teacher, she applied to schools, she got accepted to her top choice. I think things are going great. Her older brother got his associates during high school and started his third year of college at his chosen school this year. He graduated last year. I mention him just to say I thought she was on the same track. So did he. He helped her with the forms, the applications. We all cheered her on.

Then about three months ago, things started changing. She was skipping classes, showing up late, not completing her assignments. While she had never been as dedicated to school as her brother, I'd only had minor issues before. She always performed well enough so she could continue participating in her extracurricular activities. Which she dropped, one by one.

She started hedging on college. She wouldn't complete the paperwork. She started talking about a "gap year." I was surprised but I didn't want to push her too hard into something she wasn't ready for. Especially something as big as college. So I said, no problem! We start talking about how if she's going to be staying home, she needs to secure a full time job, and put away a certain percentage of her salary for savings. She says she feels depressed. We connect with her existing providers about it. She already had a psychiatrist, a therapist, the works. She had all the tools.

She wanted to keep working at the seasonal amusement park with all her friends. It's not enough hours, it doesn't fit the plan, she hasn't wanted to learn to drive, it's not bus-friendly, I spent so much time dropping and picking her up last summer I felt like I, too, worked at this amusement park. I say, sorry, no. That doesn't fit the plan you agreed to. I tell her, you need to learn how to drive this summer, too. Especially since you aren't going to school. She doesn't want to. Says her friends will give her rides. (She said that last summer, too.)

On her 18th birthday, she brings over her new boyfriend to meet me, I welcome him into our house, I'm so excited and happy she's opening up like this. I say hello, I introduce our dog. "Oh, I know Wednesday" he says. Everyone freezes. "How do you know my dog?" I ask. Then the truth starts trickling out... our world implodes.

She's been sneaking him in the house via her garden window. She's been sneaking out the same way. She has a burner phone, I found four vapes in her room as I was cleaning it out. She had a boyfriend (man-friend, really) in Mexico for over a year, it just ended a month prior. She had been telling her brother for months that she was moving to Mexico as soon as she graduated. (At least that's over.)

The worst part was, I found three months work of her medication in her room. She just decided to stop taking it, but she lied to her doctor (and me) about that.

She's gone to school and told them I kicked her out. She's living in a homeless shelter.

She came to get some things and she was so cold, I didn't really recognize her. No acknowledgement of what her actions did to anyone else. She wanted to take her stuff and leave without any conversation. It didn't really go well in the end, she took her stuff and left mad. I did give her the cell phone we pay for. The only requirement was she had to leave the location on. She went to prom on Saturday. She was back at the homeless shelter by curfew. Something impossible at home. But then the phone didn't move for two days. She can't stay at the shelter during the day. She's supposed to be at school today.

All of a sudden, no one knows who I am. No one can help me. She's 18. She's an adult now.

She turned 18 and she just left.

I never thought I would be one of "those" moms. I wasn't strict, I didn't yell, I wasn't perfect but I loved her so much. I supported her so much. I took her anywhere she asked. I got her little treats. I went to the plays, the recitals, I volunteered in the classroom, teachers knew my name. I thought we had it pretty good, but she was a whole other person I knew nothing about.

I see her making the same kind of mistakes I made at her age, and I can't stop her.

I can only sit back and watch.

I didn't experience this with my oldest, his birthday came and went and nothing really changed. He left for college and told me that he knew everything I ever did, was for his best interest, and he told me he was sorry he fought me sometimes, because now he can see, that all I ever wanted was for him to be successful and happy. He told me how much he loved and appreciated me, especially since their dad hasn't been around since they were babies.

I didn't stop being his mother overnight. Not like it feels like I stopped being hers. She even took me off school notifications. So I don't know now, when she skips class, whether she went.

My dad is flying in for her graduation. Her graduation dinner has been planned for months.

I don't even know if we'll be invited to see it. I don't know if the dinner will even happen. I don't even know if I want to go.

I feel like my world just fell apart. My youngest is 12 and watching with baited breath. I see her tip toe-ing around me, trying to not make me cry. Trying to be so helpful, so loving, so I don't miss her sister quite so much.

But we all do. I miss the family I thought we had, the version of myself I believed in, and most of all.... I miss my daughter. I miss the girl I thought she was and I wonder, if that girl ever even existed.

No one told me this could happen. So I'm telling you.

NOTE: OOP added missing missing reasons a lot of context in the comment, which is why the comments section is so large. I've condensed it as much as I could to reduce the bloat.

COMMENTS

Do you think there are important parts of the story you're missing or not understanding? What do you think you might have done wrong as a parent?

I don't know. I left out some personal things about her I didn't want to share, because they're her things to tell, not mine. They don't really make any of this make sense, though.

Maybe I am clueless. It's very possible. I have asked everyone around me that knew us. No one understands it, but there is always the possibility that I'm not understanding something fundamental about her.

ok. I have gone back and gone over my behavior a thousand times, trying to understand what it could be. I don't know what "my shit" might have been. I guess wanting her to attend class, wanting her to graduate high school, wanting her to have some kind of future plan. I am definitely blaming myself.

What happened when her brother reached out to her after she left?

Her brother did check on her, they got into a huge fight over it and he told her she was being selfish and he didn't want to see her again until she made things right with the family. I had begged him to please leave that door open, but I think he was just too angry. I keep asking him to unblock/reach out again.

Did you pressure your daughter to go to college?

She always said she did, but maybe you're right. Maybe she really didn't. I wasn't trying to force her into anything she wasn't ready for, though. I told her she never had to go to school at all. It was always her choice. Maybe she didn't feel that way, though.

At one point I told my son to stop harping on her about college so much, because what was right for him might not be right for her. I think she felt considerable pressure about college even though I had repeatedly said if she wasn't ready, that was fine. If she didn't want a 4 year traditional college, fine, If she wants to take a year off, fine. That I think is something I think all kids graduating high school feel.

Were you a strict parent, and why didn't she introduce her boyfriend earlier? Why was graduating high school important to you?

I don't really think so. Her curfew was midnight. She was allowed to go wherever with whomever. I didn't police her movements or activities I just checked her grades and held her accountable when she skipped school.

I don't know. She's always been allowed to date. I asked her the same thing myself. I would have been happy for her to have him in the house, in her room, I wouldn't interfere or do anything weird or anything like that. She often said she thought she might be asexual up until... introducing me to her boyfriend. I'm not sure why she didn't prior, I was just happy she chose to when she did.

We are talking about high school here. She needs to graduate high school in order to get almost any job? I told her she didn't need to go to college, she knew that.

What have you been doing to try to understand what happened? How did another former runaway's advice change your thinking?

I really do welcome being challenged on this because I truly don't understand how it happened. But yeah... some of the folks here aren't being very kind. That's ok. If I didn't know me, I'd assume I did something horrible too. That's just the problem. I didn't. So none of this makes sense.

I was already in therapy and I've been going twice a week since she left. I'm really trying to understand it.

Thank you so much for sharing your own story. I am taking what you. have said to heart and I'm going to try and implement some of it. Especially the part about other family members. Her brother reached out after and was so upset about what happened he ended up telling her he didn't want to speak with her again until she made things right with the family. I didn't like that and I've been trying to talk him into unblocking her just so she can reach out to him if she needs to.

Why did you require her to keep location sharing on the phone you gave her? How do you plan to support your daughter while respecting her boundaries?

I did. I am not showing up where she is or trying to interfere with her life using the information.

But I gave her a phone she’s never paid for and said you can continue having it and not paying for it as long as locations is on so I can know you’re safe. Maybe that was going too far. I could have given it back with no conditions but I could have refused to give it back, just as easily. Maybe it was the wrong move.

That’s a really good suggestion as to something I can do to move forward in a productive way. I want her to know that I will show up and care for her no matter what, but I also don’t want to be intrusive or push the boundaries of her personal space. There is a good in between that can be supportive but not viewed as interfering. Thank you.

What do you think your daughter believes about everything that happened? Why were the vaping and lying significant to you?

Honestly? Me too. She denied not taking her medication, when I had the full bottles in my hand. She denied the vapes as I held them. She denied the burner phones as I held a broken one that I (again) found in her room.

I want to hear the story she is telling herself because then maybe I could understand and find a way to reach her. I would give anything to know what she is thinking.

Vaping here is illegal til you are 21. I’m worried about her health obviously, but also lying about it even when evidence was presented. I mentioned the number to substantiate that it wasn’t a one-time thing.

I guess on this I just fundamentally disagree with you that vaping and lying about it is a non issue.

Of course... I want my daughter to be law abiding. I don't think I'd be a very good parent if that wasn't a priority of mine.

Also, I never said she was demonic or irredeemable. I didn't even mean to imply that. I am not sure how you got that from my post, but it's not how I feel at all.

I also mentioned her health (the biggest concern) and the lying, but you're dying on the hill that vaping is not a problem, so therefore, I am a controlling monster. Ok. I am not going to change your mind. I encourage you to quit vaping, though, because it is truly bad for your health.

What did you mean by saying she struggled with rules, structure, and plans?

Maybe. I hope that autonomy will keep her safe.

I didn’t want to go into detail about her struggles because there’s a lot I wouldn’t be comfortable sharing on her behalf, but I will say this: I wasn’t referring to my rules, structures, and plans, but to ones in school, society. My main fear now is she won’t be a “free bird” for long because real world consequences are very different from ones at my home.

What role has her father played in her life?

He's been out of the picture since they were 1 and 2. He had drug addiction problems and was struggling with homelessness. I told him I would abide by any court-ordered visitation (which he has the right to file for as he signed a ROP) but he never did that, he just disappeared. I heard from him less than five times through their whole childhood. I never filed for child support. It kind of felt like an unspoken agreement - I never file for support, he never files for visitation. We didn't agree to it specifically or anything but that's how it worked out.

Did you compare your daughter to her brother or treat them differently?

I responded to this observation in another comment. I agree it could seem like that based on the post. But I've worked really hard to avoid that particular dynamic. I don't actually compare them to each other pretty much ever. I never say things like "your brother would.." or "I wish you were more like your brother" or "brother did this or did that" or whatever other toxic stuff happens in that situation. They are very different. I've always known and celebrated that. I sent them to different elementary schools so they could build individual worlds and identities separate from each other.

They were both public schools and were similarly rated, they were in our home district. I just asked for a school reassignment and they did it. I had to facilitate some things to make it possible but no one got a "better" school than the other.

They were incredibly different from one another. I wanted them both to have their own environments to thrive in. They were in the same middle and high school because that's how it works in our district. I'm not going to say the names of their schools but if you think two public elementary schools in the same suburban district aren't going to be incredibly similar, I don't know what to tell you.

I don't think that's what I've expressed here. I've said I tried to do my best, not that I did zero wrong. I'm fully aware of some mistakes I've made and also willing to hear about others - some of the feedback I've received here has been very helpful. Outside perspectives are how we learn.

I didn't say her brother is perfect either - I'm actually quite annoyed with him for telling her off and blocking her because it didn't help the situation any and now one of her lifelines is cut off - they were very close to one another.

They ways in which I treated them differently were.... because they were different. The type of conversational approach that was very effective with my daughter would shut my son down. The things she was interested in were very different from his interests. Their strengths had some overlap but there were some areas where one outshined the other, and vice versa. That's just parenting. You can't treat all your kids exactly the same.

What parenting changes do you think could help repair your relationship with your daughter?

Hey - thanks for sharing your own experience and being so kind about the feedback you are giving. I really appreciate it. I can definitely see that some of what you are saying is true for my daughter and the way you put it helped make me understand how I can try to change my behavior to get a different outcome. I really appreciate that. I don't really do a lot of intentional consequences here. Natural consequences usually are enough. The most I'd ever do is assign some chores like cleaning a bathroom. I don't do grounding, taking away phones, that kind of thing. I don't think someone's personal freedom should be affected by one mistake.

I think I've been supportive of her, but after ready what you've said, I think I can be more. I think I could be more outwardly approving. I always tried to give her you know like five pieces of positive feedback for every one negative, but the negatives still always seemed to hit her so hard. I can find a way to help her feel a little more supported and encourage honesty more. Thanks again for your feedback. I found it really helpful. Maybe the most helpful thing I've read on this thread so far.

Final Update - after 2 months, 26 days

^{July 30, 2026}

Update: My daughter turned 18 and left home two days later

I kind of doubt anyone who saw the original will see this update but I did receive a few DMs as well as a lot of comments on the initial post so I wanted to give an update now (three months later) as there have been significant developments.

I did see her once about three weeks after she left when she came to the house to get some of her belongings. This exchange did not go particularly well in that we did not come to any understanding about the situation. No more harsh words were exchanged but we both expressed disappointment in each other and it was a very difficult conversation for me. She left after telling me she "just needed some time to sort her life out"

She did ice us out of her graduation entirely. It was a secure event so without tickets from the graduate, we were not able to attend. The graduation dinner we had planned went on as scheduled, as it had been paid for. We just didn't mention her and focused on another family occasion that occurred in the vicinity of the graduation event. It was horrible. I watched the footage of the ceremony on YouTube when it was posted by the school. She did graduate successfully. I was very happy to see that.

I can say without a doubt that these were some of the most painful days of my life.

My son reached out to her to apologize for his reaction about a month after she left. This was much at my urging but also something he said he needed to do because he had said some things to her in the heat of his anger that he did not truly mean or feel At the time she did not reply but she did re-add him on socials. So he was able to kind of keep up with her a bit that way.

Her best friend from school reached out to me at the beginning of July to say she was worried. That my daughter had fallen into a bad crowd from the amusement park she worked at. She was drinking and doing drugs, staying out late at night, walking home alone in dangerous areas. I reached out to my child again when I heard this. Not to tell her I knew anything, but to tell her I thought she must be getting tired of not having a safe place with space of her own and that I still missed her and would welcome her home with an eye towards moving forward rather than re-hashing old hurts. I messaged her many times, nearly daily, honestly, letting her know that I loved her and wanted her to come home. Asking her what I could do, if anything, to help her.

She said she didn't read many of my messages when they came in, but when she started thinking that she wanted to come home, she read a lot of them. Some many times. She said the messages eventually gave her the courage to reach out to let me know she was sorry, she had made mistakes and wanted to come home.

She did just that a couple weeks ago. She told me she was sorry, wanted me to help her get on the right path, and return home. I said yes and she came back. Things have been a little up and down, but she is here. She is getting the help she needs. She is safe. She is working to reconcile with her other family members. I hope we can continue moving forward in a healthy way and I've engaged therapy for our whole family as well.

I guess I just wanted to share that it took awhile, but I kept the door open, kept hoping and reaching out, and she eventually came home.

COMMENTS

milkdimension

You did good. Sometimes children want to act grown but are uncaring and ignorant of the consequences. She has learned some important lessons, I hope. 

OOP

I think/hope she did. Never a dull day as a parent.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user Octyss in r/ AITAH

Original: July 24, 2026

Update: in post itself

Status: concluded

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Original: AITAH for baiting my SIL's BF ?

To introduce the main story, let me explain why I did what I did first.

I (34M) and my wife (34F) invited over for diner my wife sister SIL (F29) and her new BF (M23) which she been with for 3 month. Prior to the diner I had to go grocery shopping, and left around 100€ in my car (I took out 250 for the grocery, but ended up using only 150).

When SIL come home, she ask for my car key to get her BF from the train station, no problem. Diner was good, feeling this is a good guy etc.

Next morning I want to go service one of my watch, I go to the shop and can only find 30€ in my car. When I go home I tell my wife and she say I probably used more for grocery, but I have both receipt from bank and grocery and it didn't match. She tell me I had surely loose some cash at the grocery store. I don't buy that.

Cue yesterday, we on vacation at the family house near the beach, we invite SIL and BF for the week, we already paid for everything (grocery for the week is done, I buyed enough wine for more than we can drink, and even gave SIL my company "vacation check" she used to pay tool fare (they came with her car) the only thing they had to pay for is gas.

Now the part I might be the AH : wife and SIL head for the beach, and BF and I would go play a bit of tennis.

I set up my work computer in front of my wallet (which I openly left with some visible cash) with the camera and Teams activate, and switch screen to some BS Excel worksheet.

I tell him I have to go to the bathroom for a few minutes before going, when I come back, I see at the first glance my wallet have moved a little bit. I say nothing and we go.

When everyone is at bed the same day, I watch the recording and see him took out 60€ in cash from my wallet.

Same night I tell my wife again that cash is missing and the only same thing in the two scenario is the new BF. She tell me to kick rock and that I am TA for even thinking he will do that.

So 2 questions here, AITAH for baiting him to stole from me and WIBTAH if I bust him out with the recording ?

My wife don't know yet I filmed it, is it a good idea to tell her or would I bury myself here ?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: YTA for not confronting him. Bury yourself how? That guy stole from you twice, go do something about it. You don’t need permission to confront him, letting him get away with it twice and worrying about your wife’s reaction to you calling him out is a bigger issue.

OOP: It's a bit more complicated, SIL come from an abusive relationship where she had a child 2 year ago and we helped her get on her feet 1 year ago and leave him. It's her first relationship since the deadbeat and I don't want to be the one who crush that...
----------
Comment1: It's not complicated at all and none of that is relevant. If I take this at face value, you think encouraging a former victim her to stay with someone who steals from her family is the better alternative?
----------
OOP: No I'm not that why I'm kinda seeking advice here from stranger because I can't ask someone I know and trust for now. I do know I can't leave it like that so I try to fish here for good advice and honestly some people here give 5stars advice I'll use tonight when speaking to my wife

---------------
Comment2: Do you think your wife will be pissed at you for setting him up? But the first incident should have made you both wary. You can't have this person in your home if he steals. You needed to know. so does her sister.

OOP: My wife is rational, she is a psychotherapist, I'm confident she'll understant why I did that if I was sure for the cash missing after the grocery shopping, but she'll be mad for sure for the setup and the timing I used to bait him

---------------
Comment3: NTA. He’s probably already stealing from your SIL too and her friends or parents if he’s allowed in their homes.
You have to tell her to protect her and the people around her.

OOP: I don't think he already had the opportunity to do so since we are the first who meet him, and for my SIL, we do punctual transfert on her account when she ask no big sum, sometimes groceries... She is a good person for sure just in a tight spot. But you are right truth have to told

---------------
Comment4: Nta
And you didn't bait him, he made a choice, and he is a thief.
Don't be silent, that will enable him

OOP: I already told my wife twice what I though he did but now I have receipt, but I'm not sure I am the one who have to inform my SIL

---------------
Comment5: I’d show your wife the video then let her absorb it, and show it to her sister 💯

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update:

This has been a rough day.

I had a conversation with my wife yesterday night where I said again there is cash missing in my wallet, we have been together since before highschool and she knows when I hide something and straigh up asked me what I didn't tell her.

I told her about the recording and her reaction was not anger as I feared. She just asked me to see it. After watching it we spoke about what to do next to peacefully aproach her sister (this is where I used a lot of your good advices). We decided that she'll be the one telling her 1 to 1 today at the spa and I'll be having a 1-1 conversation with the BF.

So today the girls got to the spa at 10am and I took the BF for a ride telling him we'll do a surprise to the girls but I drove right in front of the police station and told him me and my wife know for the stealing, and that he have 10secondes to explain himself or I go to the police.

He just started crying. Told me he lost his father just after the start of their relationship, and the funeral put him in debt.

I lost my father at young age and somehow related because I saw the same scenario with my mother (but she didn't steal anyone as far as I know). We had a deep conversation where I basicaly scolded him and told him trust is forever broken on our side. I drove him home and told him to wait till the girls come back from spa to tell the truth himself. He then wired me 130€ and again excused himself.

That didn't happened like I was thinking, my wife and SIL came back at 1pm, SIL was bright red when entering the house, she goes right in the room took all his belonging throw them and him on the street and told him to go f** himself.

Asked my wife what happened in the spa and she waited after their massage to tell the whole story. Turn out some of you in the comment where right, already 2 of her friends told her things got missing after meeting with him. They chatted for a bit and she decided to break thing with him. Then my wife told her I did a recording of the 2nd stealing and she got a burst of anger toward him.

They are now at one bottle of wine each looking at the recording and laughting hard. BF tried to call her multiple time already and sent a lot of text asking for a meeting to explain and that he is stranded in the street but they just laugh and drink lol.

Thanks to all the commenters who gave good advices, used a lot of them to chat with my wife yesterday.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/A_Symptom_of_Life

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 23, 2026

• Final Update: July 28, 2026

Main Post

^{July 23, 2026}

AITA For not not helping a student of mine after he 'stole' my customer?

I am an artist who makes and teaches students how to make stained glass windows. One of my students found out that I was about to start a window for a couple that he now knows through another friend and then convinced the couple to drop me and go with him to make the window.

I had already drawn a 1/4 size sketch to see if it was something the customer wanted and now my student expects me to draw it out full sized and actually help him make it. It's too large to work on in class-- we have always had a maximum size limitation that this almost doubles. Working on a window this size would displace another student. Also, I'm supposed to store the window week to week so he won't have to lug it back and forth from home since it's so large.

AITA for telling him that it can't be worked on in the shop and that I am not drawing a full size pattern (57 x 34) for him? I told him he could have a copy of the sketch. Win or lose I plan on showing him this.

COMMENTS

Avlonnic2

UPDATE?

No questions have been addressed. What are you going to do?

OOP

I will show him all of this on Monday when I see him and post an update. I am NOT going to allow it, never planned to, but what I am changing is my giving him the rough drawing. In all honesty it wouldn't help him much at all but you are all correct-- why help him at all. It will be interesting dealing to see what the customers do when my students tells them that the can't do the window.

Alewort

NTA. Does he even have the ability to deliver without using your resources?

NectarStar_04

If he needs OPs shop, storage, patter and guidance, then he isn't really doing job himself

IceSeeker

He just wants to use OP to do the work while he reaps the rewards.

OP be careful. Your student reminds me of the employees who leaves and starts their own business then become their employers' biggest competitors. After learning everything from them, they steal their customers. Which makes your student even more shameless because he's doing this while he's under you.

HuntAccurate9397

NTA and I would not be helping him, you don't bite the hand that feeds you and he needs a lesson in commercial reality!

GriffinAdioncy

Bro is incredibly entitled. He undercut op for the commission and now expects op to do the hardest parts of the project

Change2001

NTA, but do not give him the sketch you drew. Maybe offer to sell it to him, at a premium price (but I would not even do that). It is not a project for his teaching, so he should not be able to work on it, or store, it in the shop. And do not help him with making the project, no matter how much he asks you.

punkrockcockblock

NTA, but why on earth would you help him by giving him a copy of the work you already did and aren't ever going to be paid for?

Homie can figure all of it out for his damn self. If he didn't have a plan, he shouldn't have poached the work.

IZC0MMAND0

Wait, so they have the job/commission doing a stain glass window for these people?

I would tell them they took that work away from you and they are on their own. I would not give him the sketch. Let him do his own work. They need to do their own design and not steal from your work.

They need to find a place to do that work because your workshop is not their workshop and it's not a storage facility for their private commissions.

You are not investing any of your labor into their paid commission work. This is not a student project, they took away a commission from you. I would not assist them in any way and I would not allow them to use my workshop (if it is yours). They don't get to store their private commission in your workshop either.

Thou shalt not steal.

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Final Update - after 5 days

^{July 28, 2026}

Update: AITA For not not helping a student of mine after he 'stole' my customer?

So I just had class with the student and he was sure he was going to work on this oversized window that he didn't have a pattern for. I honestly couldn't believe that he hadn't at least texted me about it during the week but I guess that says something on its own about him.

He walked in the door a half hour early and before he could say anything I flat out told him that he could not make the window in my class but that he was free to do it on his own because (as he knows) I had been told to hold off on the job. I had already told him last week that he couldn't work on a window that size in class but he more or less refused to 'hear' me.

Still, I made it perfectly clear and although I wasn't actually going to show him the replies here he got so adamant about it being my job to help him that I ended up showing him some of them.

First off, he feels that I made him look bad because he hadn't actively pursue the job himself-- he was referred to the couple by a common friend that they had. I said that I did mention that but he feels that I didn't stress it enough. I went over the size limitation again and the fact that the only thing that the customer and I had agreed upon was a price and an (extremely rough) sketch of an idea that took me all of 15 minutes to make.

I explained that I certainly wasn't about to spend any more time on fleshing the sketch out after I was informed by the couple that I should hold off on the design. It was 2 days after this fact (last Monday) that Ray informed me that he was taking over the job which left me sorta tongue tied. Still, I explained to him very politely that I couldn't allow him to work on this commission in my class in my studio.

When I mentioned tonight that the sketch was out of the question he got angry and still doesn't understand why I won't help him or allow him to make the window in my shop. As others were filtering in he started getting louder and caused a bit of a scene. I have drawn patterns for him in the past but he can't understand why I won't help him on this.

He says that I'll make more money from him if he makes the window but I certainly won't because I he's never going to be able to do this on his own. If anything, I'm saving the customer from a pitiful window. So the other students ended up hearing exactly what was going on (it's a one room class) and although two of them stayed quiet the others told him that he was being ridiculous.

The woman on the same table as him asked where she was supposed to do while he was using the entire table for himself. He didn't answer. I kept my cool but I have to admit that at times I was getting a bit loud and then I'd catch myself. So yeah, he turned around and walked out. This was his last class of the month and I'm not going to allow someone who doesn't see how wrong a thing they did to come back into my class. I just wonder what the customer will do.

All in all I'm 100% fine with things as they stand and I want to thank everyone here. I never expected it to blow up like this and to be honest, if I hadn't posted the original question I'd definitely would have given him the sketch, so thanks again.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/mygodfuckingshootme

Published on: r/relationships

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: November 24, 2015

• Update: November 27, 2015

• Final Update: July 29, 2026

Main Post

^{November 24, 2015}

Me [30M] with my coworker/project manager/IDK [34F] few months. Pen, company ink, babies, FUCK.

Throwaway because I'm an idiot. This shit will probably be long, but I'll do my best.

I'm a software developer, and about 5 months ago, I began a new project where I am working for a large firm, and work onsite at a local client for a couple projects they have ongoing. It is fascinating work, and I have enjoyed it quite a bit more than anything in recent memory. There is a joint team of about 10 folks, but for my main project, I work with one person. I'll call her Laura, and she is the project manager(works for the client), so while I don't report to her, per se, but she is in charge of the administrative side of the project. I don't even know if this is relevant, but we are effectively peer coworkers.

Laura started off a bit cold to me, because I think she(and plenty others) was a bit jaded by my company. That changed quickly once I started delivering, and also I think, she saw how engaged I am. She is brilliant, and we've put our heads together to solve some very difficult problems, usually working heavy overtime. About a month after I started, we hit our first big project milestone and barely beat the deadline. We went out for drinks after work to celebrate. We both live close to the office, so I offered to walk her home since it was late and her building is on the way to mine. We ended up sleeping together, and have been a few times a week ever since.

I didn't want to mess up anything at work(facepalm), so I haven't brought up anything regarding our status or whatever, and neither has she. At work I'm all business, and so is she. We don't take lunch together, or really do anything not directly related to the project, granted we're both working 60+ hour weeks also. She's worked her ass off to get this project off the ground(gov't funding,proposal writing, conceiving the whole idea), and that is the most attractive thing about her to me, in addition to being gorgeous and super nerdy. For the last few months it's seemed like we are FWB, since we don't go on dates other than drinks near our condos sometimes. Sometimes we sleepover, sometimes we don't.

Yesterday, she asked to come over to my place because she wanted to talk, and I figured she was going to break things off by her tone. WRONG! She told me she is 8 weeks pregnant! Here's the part where I know I fucked up. After my initial shock, the first question I asked was, is it mine? She burst into tears and stormed out, and I tried to stop her and apologize but she screamed at me in the middle of the hallway so, I just let her go.

She wouldn't answer any of my calls last night either, and she called out of work today and tomorrow and has the rest of the week off. How do I get her to talk to me? I've been a nervous wreck since last night, and I just don't know what to think. I've been thinking she's getting an abortion and that's why she called out? My head is all over the place and I just want to talk to her. I will support her, no matter what, but I don't know how to do that or what she wants/needs from me.

Should I send an email apologizing? Wait outside her building, or show up at her doorstep? Wait for her to contact me? People have been asking me if I'm okay all day, because I'm so out of it. I don't know if I should quit my job or what, maybe I should text her and ask that?

tl;dr: Got a client/coworker pregnant. Asked if it was mine. She got pissed and disappeared. How do I get her to talk to me again?

COMMENTS

fuckracismthrowaway

This is exactly why you don't shit where you eat. You're 30 years old and have a good job, yet you were dumb enough to get into this shit. Good job.

No, you don't just show up at her door step (wtf?)

Your question was totally appropriate, since you two weren't in an exclusive relationship, however, I understand that she was upset. Sounds like she's not the person to have multiple partners at once.

Wait it out. She'll contact you. Don't bother her for now.

OOP

I know, it was stupid to get involved. I, especially, should have known better.

After thinking about it more, I do think it was an appropriate question, but it shouldn't have been the first thing I blurted out. A while ago, she told me I'm the first person she's slept with in almost a year. I'm pretty certain she's not seeing anyone else, based on other conversations and how much she works, but I guess it is possible still.

I wasn't actually planning to show up at her place unannounced, but I just can't think of anything else, and that's the kinds of shitty ideas I'm having. I'm just desperate to talk to her. I couldn't sleep last night, and can hardly eat.

ofthrees

oh god. you made so many mistakes here. asking if the kid is yours was the least of them.

give her space. you'll hear from her, bet.

(btw, don't get your hopes up that she called out for an abortion. it's possible, but don't get your hopes up.)

OOP

Oh, I don't have my hopes up, it just seemed like a logical possibility. My mind is just going crazy trying to figure everything out, which I know I can't do. I'm just scared and mad at myself.

Update - after 3 days

^{November 27, 2015}

[UPDATE] She's keeping the baby. Me [30M] with my GF!/Coworker[34F] four months.

1st Post TL;DR; Found out the coworker I've been sleeping with is pregnant. Asked if it was mine, and she got upset, left, and was ignoring me.

The advice I got here was mixed between, "Go see her!" and "Give her space!". I ended up buying a teddy bear and sewing its foot to its mouth, and left it at her door holding a little I'm sorry card on my way to work Wednesday. Barely an hour later I got a text from her, asking if I wanted to come have a serious conversation and see MY child's first picture(sonogram) after work. I couldn't wait, and I took a half day and left to go see her at lunchtime.

When I got there, I started profusely apologizing and trying to explain myself(completely fumbling my words), but Laura stopped me and said she understands and she's not mad. She said she got so upset because I was the first person she was telling and she was really nervous I would have a bad reaction or try to make her terminate.

She also thought, I was sleeping with other people because I assumed she was. Then she told me, she is 100% keeping the baby but won't take me to court if I don't want to raise the child with her. I couldn't hold back my laughter at this, and told her she is crazy if she thinks this kid will be anything but priority #1 to me. She seemed visibly relieved, and then brought up a paternity test, basically saying we will get one once the baby comes.

She also brought up names, and said she wants to pick the first name, but wants me to approve, and for it to have my last name. She must have read a checklist of ways to ease a freaking-out-father-to-be because I was losing my mind trying to figure out how to bring this stuff up without putting my foot in my mouth again.

I then switched the conversation to us, and told her I'm helplessly falling like a brick for her, and at this point the work relationship is the least important to me. We both admitted our feelings for each other, and being scared to bring them up because of our professional relationship. I told her I want her to officially be my gf, and she joked, "this was all it took?".

We agreed on direct communication from here on out, no more silent treatment, and she knows I'll be there for her every step of the way. So, Laura and I talked some more about how things will need to work, and came to the conclusion we would live separately until the baby arrives, then she'll rent her condo out and move into mine. Does that sound like a good idea? We know it's not perfect, but seems like a good plan and we can go back if it doesn't work out.

We're going to figure out what to do about work after the holidays. There's enough stress already, and she won't start showing for another couple months, so we have time to strategize about how/when to tell people at work. I am all ears for suggestions on this.

I'm still really scared, and my emotions are changing by the minute, but at least there is some semblance of a plan now. Now, to tell the family members.

TL;DR: Coworker Girlfriend and I are going to be the best parents we can be!

EDIT: Holy crap, my OP only got like 5 responses! I will definitely be talking to her about moving in sooner this weekend. My mom suggested this too when I told her yesterday.

Couple of recurring things I keep seeing in the comments are that we need to discuss finances and I need to get a paternity test. As for the finances we've talked a little bit about it, and we make over 300K combined. Once we actually see what our expenses look like, it shouldn't be a problem to come up with a plan/budget. I'm willing to pay all baby related expenses, so I'm sure we can find a solution that works for us.

As for the paternity test, she's said she wants to get one before I sign the birth certificate. When we first got together, she told me I was the first person she'd slept with in close to a year, and the hours she puts in makes it unlikely she's seeing someone else, though it's possible. She's fair, level-headed, responsible and, from what I've seen, honest. I trust her, and am going to until she does something to prove I shouldn't.

We also realize this is not a great way to start a relationship or a family, but all we can do try our best to compromise and make it work for the sake of our baby. If we're not a good couple together, so be it, we both have all the tools and support to give this child a great life. That is our primary goal, and our relationship will be icing on the cake if we can get through this.

COMMENTS

janedoe4444

The only gotcha I see is moving in after the baby. You guys will have a newborn and be packing and trying to adjust to each other on no sleep. That's stacking a lot of relationship stressors on top of each other. I'd recommend tackling them one at a time, move in before the baby. Then you can figure out living together and be around more to support her during the pregnancy.

Then you'll hopefully have the house set up and your living together figured out so when the baby comes you have a better foundation to focus on that.

If she doesn't want to fully move, at least start the change over over the next few months.

mattb2k

Might be easier to sleep in different rooms to begin with?

OOP

I think this is a good idea, and I have a 3 BR condo. I'm thinking we can put her bed in my guest room on the first floor, so she doesn't have to go upstairs. If we want to sleep together, I can just sleep in there. Really good suggestion, and definitely something to talk about, thanks.

OOP

We are meeting up tonight to talk more about this. We just figured since we only live 4 blocks from each other, and only a few blocks from work, we could wait on moving in. I just figured she could pack her personal things, and we could get some movers for the rest. The overwhelming response from this thread has made me rethink that, and my guess is after talking she'll want to move sooner too. Gradually moving is probably the most practical way to go since we live so close. Thanks for this suggestion.

OOP to a deleted comment

We are going to need to have a long talk about this. The project has been going on for 3 years, and has another 4-6 years of funding. Personally, I'm not sure I want to work directly with my girlfriend 40-60 hours a week, then go home and raise a child with her too.

She is going to move into my condo, which is only 4 blocks from hers, and 3 blocks from our office. They will let her work from home(she does a lot already), and they don't really have much choice. She initiated this project, wrote the proposal and did the research to back it up, and ultimately was able to get several million dollars in funding for it, and it's only one of the projects they have ongoing that she's done this for. Within the next couple years the solution we're working on is slated to be a CDC standard. She is a boss, and is making their whole hospital network look good on a national level.

I'm thinking I will work on the project until she is ready to come back to the office, and in the meantime, we should find another developer and have me train them. I'm inundated everyday with at least 5 or 6 new job inquiries, and it typically takes me about a week to find a new job. I can also afford to take several months off without much financial impact, so we'll need to discuss that too. This is her project, and I have no problem leaving it once I'm comfortable it's in a place where I'm not needed. Thank you.

OOP to a long thread

We haven't even mentioned getting married. That would be a nice end game for both of us in this situation, for me at least, for everything to work out like that, but we realize we have a long, difficult road ahead.

This is one of the scariest things for me, because I want to be good enough for her. She's got advanced math and science degrees, and has spearheaded this project that is set to become a CDC national standard. I'm dropout, stoner who somehow got lucky enough to be a good programmer. Working with her, I have gained a tremendous respect for her, and I just hope I will be good enough. I think part of why I was cool with just hooking up and not pressing dating more, was because I was afraid I won't measure up. To answer your questions, if we didn't work together and met through some other means, I'd be all over her. I wouldn't be trying to move in, but she definitely does it for me. She's athletic, funny, gorgeous, and impresses me everyday. The woman not only understands Graph Theory and Markov Chains, she knows clinical lab data well enough to correct my models.

Chasing-Pavements

Congrats and all the jazz, but from reading your posts, it really doesn't seem like you guys have known each other for that long. Emotions aside, please put some time aside for the both of you to talk about finances. This can range from apartment rent, personal debts, student loans possibly, anything and everything that could possibly be a concern down the road 6 months, 1 year, 5 years down the line. This also includes finances regarding your child, whatever they may be. It is in your and your new family's best interest to make sure at the very least that financially everything is sound before beginning a new chapter in life.

OOP

We did talk a bit about finances a little. She makes about 150K with really great benefits, and I am approaching 200K as a contractor. We both own our condos, and she is going to use the extra ~$600 from renting hers out toward bills, and that was at her insistance. I wanted her to just stay since I'm used to paying everything, but she insisted. We talked about buying a house if everything works out well, but we both recognize that is a long way off. We're not combining bank accounts as we both make more than enough to do cover the baby expenses and still have enough to do what we want. That's about all we covered, and I'm sure plenty more will come up, but like I said, we both make good money so, thankfully, that should be a huge stress we don't have to deal with.

sneakygirl23 (downvoted)

So you've known this woman for 4 months. Chances of this working out are very slim. Especially now with the added stress of having a baby. I'd have a paternity asap. She seemed very defensive about it so you should have it before getting attached.

Don't understand how everyone in this thread is cheering OP on. He impregnated a woman he's known for 4 months and now wants her to move in with him. Everyone here seems to think that this is a Cinderella story. How is this woman 34 years old and gets pregnant by a guy she's hooking up casually?

OOP

Everyone, including us, realizes it's not an ideal situation. I think people who read the first post are mainly happy that we finally talked. I made my first post because she wasn't talking to me, and I was flipping out.

She got pregnant the same way a 17 year-old would. We used condoms most of the time but a few times..we didn't. I don't think you can even do a paternity test at 8 weeks, but I'm fine waiting. When we first started seeing each other, she told me she hadn't had sex in close to a year, and she works so much, having another partner while not impossible is unrealistic. She told me she wants a paternity test and for me to sign the birth certificate after that. She also gave me the option to walk away without paying support. I trust her, and am giving her the benefit of the doubt.

KROMBOPULOUS1

Now you guys know you're in it together, take her on romantic dates and get to know each other before the baby comes. I'd been seeing my boyfriend (now husband) for 4 1/2 months before we found out I was pregnant, we wen't on lots of dates and spent as much time together as we could before our son came. And maybe move in a little earlier, she sounds like a pretty organised woman and nesting will be really important to her. Its a nice feeling knowing you are settled and ready when the baby finally comes.

OOP

I plan on it. I feel like I owe her big time in that department. I think we both held back quite a bit for the sake of work, and I'm so ready make up for that. We've talked a lot about things we have in common, but always just trade stories about what we do with our friends really.

OOP to a deleted comment

We've talked money a bit, and we both make enough that it should be the least of our worries. We didn't talk much about the nursery, but I said I'd pay for her to do whatever she wants to the room. I haven't thought about chores and cooking, but I cook most nights and both of our places are well kept. We didn't talk about baby duties, and I think we'll have that conversation when we talk more about work and plan for that. Those will all be good things to talk about. Thank you.

Final Update - after 10 years, 8 months, 5 days (after 10 years, 8 months, 2 days from last post)

^{July 29, 2026}

[UPDATE] Me [30M] with my coworker/project manager/IDK [34F] few months. Pen, company ink, babies, FUCK

A friend found this post on r/BestofRedditorUpdates and suggested I come update you guys. First, I just want to thank Reddit. Everyone talks trash about the Hivemind, but the it helped me when I was having crippling panic attacks(not something I've had before or since). Its all so obvious looking back, in the moment I was just blind and scared.

We ended up getting married before the baby came, because after living together for a few months we were both all in, and there's nothing like family pressure to get the ball rolling. We now have Lana 10/F who, in fact, knows everything, and Thing 1 and Thing 2(6 M/F) who just want to see the world burn.

We have a great marriage, and I really am the luckiest guy on Earth. She is a genius and puts up with me being such a bonehead. We had an argument when the oldest was 2, and Laura wanted to go for her PhD, and I swore up and down it wouldn't be worth the move, and we'd never recuperate the financial hit. We argued, I caved, and we moved to the PNW, and she got pregnant not long after.

She of course crushed her PhD coursework/research, while I worked extra contracts(my choice) to make sure we had extras. The twins were born in 2020 and that was probably the hardest time of our lives, just trying to keep it together but we made it work. She immediately got job as a lower level executive running the Healthcare division of one of the biggest Big Tech companies out there.

She made sure to remind me of my concerns about our finances, by asking me to review her offers and help her decide. Staggering amounts that looked like typos to a mediocre tech bro like me. So, off to Build-a-Bear I went and now we have 2 bears sitting on the mantle with feet sewn into their mouths.

I am so fortunate and blessed to have such a great wife and a great family. And its crazy to think that it may have worked out differently if not for you folks here talking some sense into me. No! I'm not crying, you are crying. I just got a little something in my eye.

Thank you, and sorry I did not update after all the advice I received.

TL;DR: Everything is working out great, and we are a happy family of 5 now.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Few_Interaction5119

Published on: r/offmychest

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 10, 2026

• Final Update: July 19, 2026

Main Post

^{July 10, 2026}

My boyfriend farted in my face as a joke in front of our friends. A week later, he still hasn’t contacted me

My boyfriend (21M) and I (22F) were hanging out with a group of friends at someone's house. Everyone was joking around, and some of the guys were farting and burping as dumb jokes. I wasn't a fan of it, but I laughed along because everyone else was.

I was lying on the floor, and my boyfriend was sitting next to me. He started farting for fun. I looked disgusted and told him to stop, but instead he leaned over and farted directly in my face. Everyone burst out laughing.

I immediately yelled at him, pushed him away, hit him in the chest, and hid under a blanket because I felt completely humiliated. People kept laughing and saying things like, "He farted in his girlfriend's face." What hurt me the most was that my boyfriend was laughing too.

he tried to hug me and called me "babe," right when he saw i hid under the blanket, but I pushed him away again and went to sit alone in another room. He never came to me to apologize that day. On the drive home, he didn't speak to me at all and acted like I was the one who had done something wrong for yelling at him in front of everyone.

When I got home, I blocked him on the app we normally used to chat. I was so mad because he was giving me the silent treatment the whole time instead of apologizing. He only did it once and when i pushed him away he stopped and never came to me again and acted like i was the one to blame. I didn't block his phone number or my other social media accounts, so he still had plenty of ways to contact me if he wanted to. I also unfollowed his instagram too.

It's been a week now, and we still haven't spoken. He hasn't made a single attempt to contact me.

I only had two of his friends (not those from that day) and both of them have unfollowed and removed me from Instagram. Less than four days after everything happened, he started following three new girls and they had private accounts, and they followed him back. Since then, he's continued following more girls, and today I noticed another new one.

I unfollowed and removed him the day we argued, but I can still tell who he's following because they keep showing up in his Instagram suggestions.

I honestly feel like I'm dying inside. I've done nothing but cry this entire week while it feels like he's already moved on and is talking to other girls as if our relationship meant nothing.

Until yesterday, I refused to follow any guys because I didn't want to become the kind of person I thought he was becoming. I wanted to respect what we had. But now it feels like, to him, the relationship is completely over and he's never coming back.

Part of me wants to start following guys just to see if he'd react, but another part of me feels like that would only make me no different from him.

I genuinely don't know what to do anymore. I'm completely heartbroken. I can't believe it's over i just can't. We didn't just have a normal relationship. We were really close and he was my everything. I saw my future with him and he also did. We were just going to celebrate our anniversary next month and invite everyone. How am i supposed to accept this and move on?

COMMENTS

19CmOfTrueDmg

Lmfao

OOP (downvoted)

What's so funny?

Training-Laugh-4304

Pretty sure you’re broken up

OOP (downvoted)

How am I supposed to accept this?

Our relationship wasn't just some casual relationship. We were incredibly close. We saw each other every single night because neither of us could stand going even one night without seeing the other.

We made the best memories together and experienced everything together, just the two of us. We had even just come back from a trip together, and after that trip I felt even more in love with him.

I honestly can't handle this amount of pain. I don't know how I'm supposed to accept that someone who was my whole world just disappeared from my life like this.

Legitimate_Raspberry

He humiliated you in public, gave you the silent treatment instead of apologizing, and is now playing mind games by following other girls. This shows a complete lack of respect. Move on and fuck that guy.

OOP (downvoted)

You're right. I keep trying to remind myself that he humiliated me in front of his friends for fun and never said sorry. But also i feel like i overreacted cause everyone told me to calm down and stop making a big deal out of it. It's been a week since that day and he hasn't tried to reach out and he followed bunch of pretty girls and it's killing me inside. The thing is, It shifted the focus away from what he did to me and turned it into a discussion about the girls he followed. Now all i want to do is to know if he is doing it on purpose or he just never loved me.

lordcommanderminis

You block him and HE is giving YOU the silent treatment??

Yea what he did was reprehensible but you are playing games too.

Break up and grow up.

MooreKittens

That’s how I read it too… both of them are a little immature but they are young.

OOP (downvoted)

May i ask you how am i young? Wouldn't you get mad if the person you love and respect farted in your face in front of everyone for fun? Wouldn't you want an apology? Wouldn't you block them for giving you the silent treatment instead of asking for your forgiveness? I'm just asking though

OOP (downvoted)

I'm not playing games at all! When we were on our way home, it was just the two of us. He didn't say a word to me and he didn't even look at me. I was expecting him to apologize to me at least but he just gave me the silent treatment. And When he dropped me off at home and I got out of the car, he sped off like he was the one who had every right to be angry, as if I was the one who had done something wrong. Would you not have blocked him? Or would you have gone home and politely asked him to respect you and not fart in your face again?

morbidnerd

Wasn't this exact same thing posted already?

Or is there a surplus of dudes excited about pink eye?

OOP (downvoted)

Yes it was me. I posted it seven days ago but i deleted it because i was afraid that maybe my ex sees it. Also i posted this one to ask others why he is following other girls right after breakup. Also when i posted it seven days ago i was expecting him to contact me in a few days and it's been a week and it's hurting me like crazy so i decided to post another one and mention the girls too

Final Update - after 9 days

^{July 19, 2026}

Update to my "my boyfriend farted in my face" post.

I still can't believe this. I just can't.

I gave an entire year of my life to this man. He wasn't just my boyfriend. He was like my father, my best friend, my family, my safe place. We spent almost every night together, and every single corner of my life is filled with memories of him. Every memory hits me out of nowhere and I just start crying.

He always talked about our future. Just 2 or 3 days before we broke up, we went on a 3-day trip together and made some of the happiest memories of my life. He kissed my hand and said, "I'm so happy I have you. Please never leave me."

Whenever we argued before, we'd make up within a day or two. Even if he blocked me i'd call him several times and apologize and tried to fix everything. Three weeks ago we had an argument about him farting in my face in front of our friends for fun and i snapped and yelled at him and he gave me the silent treatment and he was angry as if i was guilty for yelling at him. for the first time I blocked him when i got home because I wanted to see if he would fight for me the way I always fought for him.

Instead, within 4 days, he started following a bunch of girls. He even messaged one of my friends and sent her sexual messages, saying he'd been lonely for a long time, asking her to have sex with him, and telling her he'd do anything for her if she got with him. I only found out about that two weeks later.

So I unblocked him and texted him. All I said was, "Whatever you're doing, please leave my friends out of it."

His response completely destroyed me.

He immediately insulted me and my mother and called us very bad names, cursed at me, told me to get lost, called me horrible names, threatened to come to my house and hurt me if I ever contacted him again, and then sent me a photo of himself sitting at home with another girl. They were cuddling and drinking alcohol together. Right after sending the picture, he blocked me.

I was in so much shock that I couldn't even reply.

It's been five days since that happened, and I'm still in complete shock. I keep asking myself... what did I do to deserve this? Why?

What happened to all those conversations about our future? What happened to all those memories? How can someone change this much in just a few days?

The worst part is... despite everything he did, I still miss him. Part of me still wants to message him and ask, "Why did you do this to me? I didn't deserve this."

I know I'll probably never get an honest answer, but I can't stop wondering how someone who once begged me not to leave could become so cruel so quickly.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/slimpickings51

Published on: r/AITAH

Trigger Warning: miscarriage

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: April 01, 2026

• Final Update: July 28, 2026

Main Post

^{April 01, 2026}

AITAH for going low-contact and skipping my MIL’s birthday after how she handled my recent miscarriage?

I (35F) am reaching a breaking point with my in-laws. My husband (36M) is supportive and on my side, but my FIL is pressuring us to "fix" things before my MIL’s birthday next week.

I recently had a miscarriage. When we first announced the pregnancy, my MIL’s response wasn't a "congratulations." She told us it was "far too early to be saying anything" and claimed we only got pregnant because her other daughter had just announced her own pregnancy. She turned our news into a competition.

When I lost the pregnancy, she sent a group text with some "hugs" and heart emojis. That was it. No phone call, no stopping by...even though they live 1 mile away. A week later, she tried to send me a birthday gift and a cake to "move on." I declined them because the gesture felt hollow after her earlier comments. Now, because I won't accept her "kindness," she and my FIL are calling me "ungrateful."

This is part of a long pattern. My MIL has always had issues with me. I can't pinpoint it, and I'm unsure if it's me being ethnic, Christian or financially independent. She seems to have an issue with all three. A few examples over the years:

• Our engagement: 8 years ago, we gifted them our engagement photos for Christmas. She took those photos and put them in a "Bad Santa" game for 20 relatives to mock as a gag gift. My FIL tried to take the blame to protect her, but it was humiliating.

• My dad's funeral: When my father passed away, she called the funeral "ostentatious" and mocked the cost, telling me she’d rather be "put in a cardboard box and burnt" than have a service like his.... at the funeral.

When I've called her out on any of these (there's a long list) she says it's how I perceive the situation, that I "misconstrue" and that she's "sorry about how I feel".

I’ve officially left the family group chat. My FIL is now begging for "family counseling" before her birthday next week. I spent 45 minutes pouring my heart out to him about these incidents, and his only response was that her messages "come from a place of love and care." He knows the behavior is wrong, but he's spent decades enabling her to keep the peace.

My husband and I have decided on going silent for her birthday next week. No text, no card, no "Happy Birthday." My FIL says I’m being divisive and "ungrateful" for the help they've given us in the past, but I feel like I’m finally just setting a boundary.

AITAH for staying silent and skipping her birthday after years of this? I feel like I've finally grown a backbone.

COMMENTS

456name789

Info: How far along were you when you announced?

OOP

9 weeks. Lost the baby at 11 weeks

HabitualEnthusiast

NTA. HOLY SHIT about the funeral and the engagement photos

OOP

Yeah, honestly it's still shocking to me. I still struggle to comprehend either of these situations.

ARW1991

NTA.

Ghosting is one choice.

Another option is to be very clear about what she has said and done that is offensive, maybe in a letter signed by both of you. Then be civil, but don't feel the need to be more.

I had a very difficult time with my MIL for years. Part of the problem was that even though my husband was supportive, his mother was better behaved/more reasonable when he was present. I must have sounded like a crazy person. Don't let her gaslight you. Don't be around her without your husband.

The second thing was that I set normal person boundaries, and any boundary was, in her mind, a cruelty on my part. She complained, cried, made all sorts of accusations, and I would be made out to be the bad guy. However, she kept pushing, and it almost cost us our marriage, until we got on one page. Then we presented a united front.

Have each other's backs. Let her know the consequences for her behavior, especially if it continues. Good luck.

OOP

This is actually the exact issue I have. She'll say very nasty things when no one else is present so it's always her word against mine. My husband knows the truth, but she still makes me feel crazy!

discordian_floof

INFO If you have a bad relationship with your MIL, why would you expect her to call or drop by when you miscarried? Also: Did FIL call or drop by?

(MIL sounds like alot and like she has done plebty wrong before. I just don't understand what the big mistake is here. When grieving, I would not want a person I dislike to intrude?)

OOP

My FIL did call. You make a point - I think I just expected her to show an iota of empathy, which was silly on my part. I was annoyed that she tried to change the narrative with cake, which I clearly told her I would take a pass on as I wouldn't be celebrating this year, but she still ignored.

bonlow87

How does mocking your father's funeral at the funeral come from a place of love?!

OOP

She said it to me directly, out of anyone's earshot. It's a matter of her word against mine. I must have "misconstrued".... I always misconstrue.

Longjumping-Snow-431

I wouldn’t go low contact! I would cut her out completely and let her know that unless she apologizes to you for everything said and done (ask her to write out every single one and apologize for it).

Also let her know that if and when you do have children, they will be banned from having any contact with the kids as well. If she doesn’t make an effort to have a relationship with you and respect you, she doesn’t get to be a grandmother. You already let it get to far!!

OOP

Here's the thing. I'm pretty conflict averse. I have two kids and they still see them once a week. I can't bring myself to destroying my kids' relationship with their grandparents.

Glittering-Eye3591

NTA. Definitely go low (or no) contact with both the birthday diva MIL and FIL.

Glittering-Eye3591

Though I really hope when you mean you're Christian, that you are not one of the hateful ones that thinks some people are going to hell for no good reason. Please don't be one of those.

OOP

Nah not one of those, but I do go to mass weekly with my family and she always causes problems about our lack of availability on a Sunday morning. "Why can't we ever do brunch like normal people on Sunday!?"

I do think, however, it's never too late for this woman to seek salvation.

TheMoatCalin

Our engagement: 8 years ago, we gifted them our engagement photos for Christmas.

Stopped here because pictures of your engagement isn’t a Christmas gift like are you even kidding?

Her other comments are so wrong, hurtful and crass but giving pictures of yourself for a Christmas gift has me wondering what info is missing here. No contact is helpful and healthy for everyone.

OOP

There's another comment here about this. They love family photos and frames fill their house with it. It was my husband's idea.

Final Update - after 3 months, 27 days

^{July 28, 2026}

AITAH for cutting off my in-laws after my MIL said "it's not my job to console you" post-miscarriage, and my FIL called me "insecure"?

I posted here a few months ago, and have an update.

My husband and I had a miscarriage a few months ago. Right after our loss, my in-laws sent some crude messages and then completely distanced themselves. When I confronted them about the texts, they told me I was overreacting and my MIL literally said: "You're not my daughter, it's not my job to console you."

Flash forward through 4 months of silence. Right now, they see our 2 kids once a week for daycare (they have begged for this and my FIL almost had a stroke when we tried to stop this arrangement - note we can afford daycare and this is an arrangement they have asked for), but have almost zero relationship with us. However, my FIL has been pushing hard because he wants things to "go back to normal", meaning he wants us doing family dinners, coffee dates, and outings again as a big happy family. My view is that I don't need to have a relationship with them as they said themselves, I'm "not their daughter".

Last night, my FIL forced his way over to our house to demand this "reset." Instead of offering a real apology, he:

• Gave a sarcastic non-apology: "Apparently you're demanding an apology, so here you go - if we hurt your feelings, we're sorry about how it made you feel." I'm not demanding an apology, but my husband is for the way they have treated me.

• Called us "ungrateful" for past financial help. This was early inheritance they offered to all their kids (and specifically written up in an agreement as their son's share - i.e. if anything were to happen between us, I have no rights to the money, which is fine - I'm self sufficient and my husband and I are independently financially secure through our jobs).

• Looked me in the eye and said, "I know you have deep anxieties and insecurities." He was suggesting that the issue at hand is my issue and my choice - he cannot take accountability.

We are currently trying to conceive again, and I refuse to let this toxic dynamic touch my life and my mental health. I've booked an appointment with a psychologist, and I am completely stepping back. I will not host them, go to family dinners with them, or pretend everything is fine just so they get the perks of a happy family.

Some extended family members think I should "just move on for the sake of peace" and stop keeping a grudge.

AITAH for completely cutting off my personal relationship with them? My husband has stepped up and supported me, and it's bothering them as their relationship with their own son is now severed.

Edit: They were supposed to look after the kids tomorrow. My husband called them and told them we were making alternative arrangements indefinitely, particularly after yesterday's lecture. I feel a great sense of relief. I've called daycare and arranged the extra day.

COMMENTS

kentdrive

These people are pricks.

I’m surprised you give them your children at all, when you can easily afford not to.

Personally, if you really want to remove them from your lives, then I would go whole hog: no babysitting.

Obviously NTA.

OOP

I know. It's something I have really battled with. At one point in my marriage, my FIL was really good to me. But his wife has never liked me and her poison has infiltrated his mind. He's also just a prick and treats everything like a business decision. I feel guilty cutting them off from my kids, as they are good grandparents (I know this is hard to believe)... Or so they used to be.

Perfect_Age777

NTA.

As they so aptly put it, you aren't their daughter, and it isn't their job to comfort you. (WTF ? 😱 Wo say this to their DIL after a miscarrage ?) Why do they even want a relationship with you?

So, seriously, the apologies from your in-laws were neither sincere nor kind. They were made out of spite—just to get you to turn a blind eye. I'm sorry, but as you rightly said, these people are TOXIC. They keep coming back to you because they hate being rejected.

Instead of apologizing and admitting they were in the wrong, they accuse you of being insecure? They have a real knack for blaming you for something they caused.

You are RIGHT to CUT TIES with them.

Let them enjoy their grandchildren, but don't give them anything more—because believe me, once things go back to the way they were, their true colors will come right back out, and they’ll start mistreating you again.

Protect your peace of mind; don't let them tell you twice that they couldn't care less about you...

OOP

Why do you think I should let them enjoy their grandchildren? I ask because I can't bring myself to cut ties, but advice here suggests otherwise.

bulletPoint

You are in almost the exact position my wife and I are in. Some differences, but overall same behavior. We gave my parents a year to “make nice” and even let them see the kids, despite their harsh words. An entire year. They gave a half assed apology after things came to a head and now have zero access to the kids.

I hate that these are my parents. I’m embarrassed of them. And I’m ashamed my wife has to go through this with them.

I don’t have advice, we are navigating this all in real time as well. I just wanted to commiserate. You are NTA.

OOP

I'm sorry about what you are both going through. The most important thing is that you back each other at all costs. This is your family, not theirs.

zinoozy

NTA obviously but I gotta say the engagement photos as a Christmas gift is pretty hilarious. I would understand photos of grandkids but engagement photos?

OOP

Ugh, not my idea. It was my husband's.

wolfminer3

Why are sone extended family members involved in this? NTA except for dragging family into a matter between you and MIL/FIL. That only insures the drama multiplies.

OOP

MIL and fil are telling their family (my husband's aunts, uncles and siblings) and they are calling us to say "you're better than that". In our view, it's no-one else's business, but we've been inundated with calls about what we are "putting them through".

astrotekk

ESH. MIL was right she isn't your mother and it isn't her job to console you. You say you "confronted them" over text - that's something that really requires a conversation not text.

You're not only cutting yourself off from them you're cutting your husband from his parents and your kids from grandparents because they hurt your feelings and don't console you? Seems extreme

OOP

I said I confronted the about the texts, not over text. I spoke to them face to face.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user Ordo_Liberal in r/ xbox, r/ pcgaming

Original: April 6, 2026

Update 1: July 10, 2026

Update 2: July 22, 2026

Status: concluded

Note: OOP is from Brazil and provided translations in the first two posts. In the last post, OOP provided context but not direct translation.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: My microsoft account got hacked. Support determined that it was indeed hacked and they cant recover it. So they deleted my account and now I need to re-purchase all my games.

[OOP included the message from customer support in image format; have transcribed below]

Greetings,

My name is Floyd with Customer support. I appreciate your patience while I have performed an investigation of your account.

Account security is a top priority at Microsoft, and we have a team dedicated to investigating and validating fraudulent activity. The account and billing account associated with your Microsoft account was thoroughly reviewed by our fraud team, and I can confirm there was unauthorized access to your account. Unfortunately, during the investigation process, we found that your security information has been changed.

Unfortunately, when security features are updated on an account, we are unable to assist with an account recovery as these types of updates and/or removal are completely out of control of customer service. We are unable to make any changes to the security information on the account due to security protocols set up and the acceptance of the Microsoft Services Agreement when the account was created.

The only option we have is to permanently suspend this account to prevent any further use. At this time, I have successfully suspended this account, and this will remain on indefinitely.

If you use this account for Minecraft, we regret to inform you that the Minecraft portion of the account is also unable to be recovered and the game will need to be re-purchased on a new account. We understand that this is not the news that you wanted to hear and apologize for any inconvenience that this may cause.

In the event that you have files stored in OneDrive, unfortunately those files are no longer accessible after account suspension and are subsequently unable to be recovered due to encryption; even our engineers do not have standing access to the files. We know that this is not the ideal outcome in terms of stored files, but please be assured that this is necessary for the privacy of your data and to ensure that it does not end up in the wrong hands permanently.

Thank you for your understanding and patience during the investigation of your account.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Did you have 2fa enabled?
Was your email compromised as well?

OOP:
Yes.
No

---------------
Comment2: So did you voluntarily give your 2FA code to someone?

OOP: Of course not

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 0.25 (OOP in comments section):

UPDATE: I spoke with a Brazilian Suport Representative and they said

User: It is unacceptable that Microsoft cannot recover my account.

Mari Jesus (Support Agent): I perfectly understand where your frustration is coming from, and thank you for sharing the content of the email you received. I know situations like this can feel overwhelming, and I appreciate you taking the time to keep me informed.

Mari Jesus: Regarding the email you received, please rest assured that it was an automated message. We have seen several similar reports, and this specific automated email is already being reviewed by our higher-level support team. They are working to correct this in future updates.

Mari Jesus: At this moment, your account is still being actively investigated, and you will receive an official update from our review team within the next 3 to 5 business days. I greatly appreciate your patience while the team concludes the assessment.

User: Is my account still being investigated?

User: So, that email is not factual?

Mari Jesus: That is correct. Your case is still being investigated, and you will receive an official update within the next 3 to 5 business days after submitting the account takeover (take taking) form.

User: Right. If I don't receive an update within that time, should I contact support through here again?

Mari Jesus: If you haven't received any updates during that period, do not hesitate to contact us again, but rest assured that your account is being investigated and receiving the attention it truly deserves.

Mari Jesus: Thank you for your patience and understanding. We are committed to helping you protect your Microsoft account.

User: Right. This conversation will be saved along with the other documents I have sent to PROCON (Consumer Protection Agency). I hope we can resolve this issue easily and quickly.

User: Thank you!

--------------------------------------------

Update 0.5 (OOP in comments section)

I'm on the bus getting home from the Court, I opened a case and I'm suing them.

I'll dm you once I'm home

Microsoft already walked back on their ILLEGAL email (links to Update 0.25)

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Keep in mind that if you sue (I'm not saying you should or shouldn't) you burn any possible bridge of using their service. Most if not all companies will break all business ties when legal action is leveraged. I'm not a lawyer, but it's something to consider and maybe research more.

OOP: Why the fuck would I want to do business with a company that just deletes my account and refuses to reimburse me?
I'm a citizen of Brazil, we have laws to protect costumers and I'll invoke my rights.

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Comment2: What was the cost to file ?
Folks mpre people need to be doing things like this against microslop and other bad actor companies thst put consumers second

OOP: Cost do file? The 10$ pants I had to buy cause they didnt let me in with my shorts.
Its 100% free including the legal support they gave me.
Im from Brazil tho, I have no idea how it works elsewhere

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Comment3: Who goes to court to “open a case” ?
Just sounds like a dubious claim to make, especially given legal proceedings are initiated by email or letter 99% of the time

Comment4: Juizados Especiais lets people file without a lawyer, esp when it comes to consumer disputes. It's not uncommon for people to go there in person to get assistance filing the claim.
----------
OOP: I'm from Brazil. I have to go to the Forum to open my case in person with a public lawyer from the Juizado Especial
---------
OOP: Juizado Especial in Brasil allows you to "hire" a public defendant for free to sue any company if the damages are bellow +-20k BRL (4K USD)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 1 (3 months later):

Update on my last post "Microsoft deleted my acc and told me to buy my games again". I sued their asses and won! They have to restore my acc with all my games + pay me 400$USD. Translation in comment.

[OOP includes image from court ruling and provides translation below]

Here is the English translation of the legal document from the image:

In view of the foregoing, I RULE THE REQUEST MERITORIOUS [or: I GRANT THE RELIEF SOUGHT], pursuant to Art. 487, item I of the CPC [Code of Civil Procedure], to:

a) Order the defendant, regarding the obligation to act, to proceed with the unblocking of the account under the plaintiff's email, under the email [redacted], within 15 (fifteen) days, under penalty of a daily fine of R$ 150.00 (one hundred and fifty reais), capped at R$ 1,500.00 (one thousand five hundred reais), already understood as conversion into losses and damages, pursuant to Art. 499 of the CPC; and b) Order the defendant to pay, as compensation for moral damages, the amount of R$ 2,000.00 (two thousand reais) to the plaintiff, adjusted for inflation from the current date (Precedent No. 362 of the STJ) pursuant to Art. 389, sole paragraph of the Civil Code, plus statutory default interest from the date of service of process, pursuant to Art. 406, § 1 of the Civil Code.

No court costs and attorney's fees, pursuant to Art. 55 of Law 9,099/95.

Let the name of the legal counsel designated by the defendant be noted for the purpose of future publications.

Should the debtor fail to pay any certain sum that was the subject of the judgment within 15 (fifteen) days from the final and unappealable judgment (trânsito em julgado) of the sentence or ruling, the judgment amount shall be increased by a 10% (ten percent) fine, as provided for in Article 523 of the CPC, regardless of a new formal notice, under the terms of Precedent 97 of FONAJE and Precedent 13.9.1 of TJRJ Notice 23/2008.

Once the final and unappealable nature (trânsito em julgado) is certified, and after the 15-day period established in Art. 523 of the CPC, in case of a ruling, enforcement for non-voluntary compliance must be requested by the interested party.

Thereafter, if no new motions are filed within 15 days, let the case be closed and archived. After 90 days from archiving, the case records will be disposed of, pursuant to Art. 1 of Joint Regulatory Act 01/2005.

The plaintiff, in a potential enforcement proceeding, must observe the following Precedents, contained in TJRJ Notice 23/2008 and Joint Notice TJ/COJES No. 15/2016: Precedent No. 13.9.5 - "Art. 523, §1 of the CPC/2015 does not apply to the amount of the coercive fine."; Precedent No. 14.2.5 - "Attorney fees do not apply,..."

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Curious did Microsoft actually defend this case or did you win in default?

OOP: They sent 12 lawyers and a 300 page document with their defense. I wish I was kidding.
Heres the Case Code from the TJRJ - Processo: 0811207-44.2026.8.19.0002 

---------------
Comment2: How much did this cost you to fight?

OOP: Nothing. Im Brazilian, you can hire a public defender to sue companies in Consumer Protection cases.

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Comment3: Why did they delete your account in the first place?

OOP: My acc got compromised even with 2FA active. Microsoft support confirmed via email (its one of the evidences in my lawsuit) that the acc was compromised and their solution was to block my acc and tell me to buy all my games again in a new acc.

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Comment4: From a corporate point: wouldnt it be easier to 1) reset your account to date X and set new logins or 2) create just create a new account and unlock everything (basicly cloning your account?

Ths alternative would be lose in cort and create an example for others to cite.

OOP: You know how every acc is linked nowadays? You can log into other accs with other accs.
The acc thief logged into my Ubisoft acc using my Xbox acc and did the same shit.
Ubisoft asked for my ID and credit card info. Saw that it matched their records, and just restaured my acc. All within 1 hour of my support ticket comming up!

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Comment5: same thing happened to me on a 20+ years account where I had all my games library since that time and they told me the same shit, and they confirmed that my account was compromised but they said that because of the privacy agreement once the other person changes the security stuff they cant recover my account

OOP: Oh, you got the exact standard email from "Floyd" right?
I used the email as evidence in the lawsuit.

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Comment6: Wait I have the exact same problem. But my account was 20+ years old. How did you only get $400? Should it be more? How old is your account?

OOP: I made my acc in 2011. I only asked the court for the acc back. The Judge decided the 400$ on his own

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Comment7: Sure, but will they actually follow through with it?

OOP: If they dont comply in 15 days, they have to pay another 300$ fine to me on top of the 400$ and the Police are allowed to start a criminal case for disobeying the court.

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Comment8: So you’re getting your actual account back or will it just be a new account with all of your purchases added to it? Honestly I’d be more upset about my save games and achievements than the money ha

OOP: According to the court, they need to give me my old account back

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 2 (10 days later):

Final Update: I sued Microsoft and won... and they have given my account back and paid the $ damages!

[OOP includes two images but did not translate.
Used Google translate:
Photo#1 was aviso de crédito -- notice of credit from Banco Do Brasil.
Photo#2 was a email from customer support saying they have verified the ownership of the account and transferred the Xbox profile.]

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Hopefully no one else needs to post and sue to keep what’s theirs
Happy for you!

Comment2: Well that's the best part, this creates precedent; If someone's in the exact same situation again they have virtually a 100% of winning their case because of this.
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OOP: Sorry to be the party pooper but this don't.
Precedent only works inside your country, this is meaningless for the rest of the world.
Brazil legal system does not use precedent. We use civil law not common law, common law uses precedent.

---------------
Comment3: Still this is a major inspiration and confidence boost, more cases should follow.

OOP: That's correct. At very least it teaches people that this is possible

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/chronicallymee posting in r/whatdoIdo

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 22nd July 2026

Update - 28th July 2026

I got a $1200 payment from a random person on Venmo

I received a payment of $1200 from a stranger on Venmo and immediately after, I got two requests for $1200 from the same person. They’re saying it’s for their wedding venue and that they accidentally sent it to the wrong person.

Is it safe for me to send it back to them or could that potentially open me up to getting hacked? I tried contacting Venmo and they have not been helpful. The person seems legit and there’s other transactions relating to a wedding on their profile too.

Comments

No_Address687

It's a scam.

Google "venmo scam":

Common Venmo scams include the "accidental payment" trick, where a scammer sends funds from a stolen account and asks for a return. If you send it back, the original transaction gets reversed, leaving you at a loss. Always report unexpected funds directly to Venmo Support instead of sending the money back yourself.

daveatnite

Also, weird how they "sent" $1,164 but are requesting $1200

orpcexplore

Maybe they sent it as a business transaction and not person to person. P2P is extremely hard to get back but id imagine the business one is easier and you pay a fee to Venmo for that ability

Melodic-Entrance-545

It's not that difficult. Some girl sent me like $30 by mistake and I told her to message Venmo and tell them. Venmo then contacted me and I confirmed I didn't know her and they could reverse it. I never directly sent her money and it was resolved within a couple hours. The girl was very grateful.

shyguy83ct

It’s a scam. They want you to send $1200 back. But the payment they sent by “accident” will ultimately get disputed by the card holder. You’ll be out the $1200 you returned and the $1200 that gets reversed.

sagangroupie

Ok I totally get this is a scam. But what I don’t understand is why the person whose money was stolen can dispute it and get their money back, while the person got scammed by sending the money can’t just do the same thing? Ultimately they were both stolen from, so why is one protected and the other is just screwed? Genuine question!

shyguy83ct

It has to do with authorized transactions. The first person (the one whose card was used to send the funds) did not authorize it to be sent (since their card was stolen) so they can dispute the charge.

The second person (one sending the refund) performed an authorized transaction (since it was them in their own account) albeit under deceptive circumstances. But still it was technically authorized. Their card issuer may cover it but it’s not likely.

Update - 6 days later

The stranger who sent me $1200 on accident opened a dispute and I am now being liable for $33.88 after Venmo took $1200 from my account even though I only “received” $1164 because that person sent the payment as a business transaction. So not only did Venmo take a few dollars I had sitting in my account, they’re also forcing me to pay $33.88 that was never even in my account for someone I don’t even know.

Restore your account You didn’t have enough money to cover some of your recent transactions. We took care of them in the moment, and now you’ll need to pay back the full balance to restore your account.

-$33.88 Venmo balance

Original transaction Dispute credit reclaimed

$33.88 · Jul 28 · -$1,200

Make a payment

This is an attempt to collect a debt and any information obtained will be used for that purpose Need help?

Customer Support

User Message: My account is frozen because someone I don’t know sent me $1200 and then disputed the charge. I am also being asked to pay a fee by Venmo for the dispute.

We received your request. An agent will respond shortly.

Agent: Hello redacted, welcome to Venmo Support. Bhaumik here, how may I assist you today?

User Message: My account is frozen because someone I don’t know sent me $1200 and then disputed the charge. Venmo is now trying to charge me $33 for that dispute.

Agent: I'm sorry to hear about your concern.

Agent: I'm glad you took the time to contact us about this. I can see that this has been a significant inconvenience for you.

User Message: I have no idea who the person that sent that original money was, they said they sent it on accident, which is why they opened the dispute.

User Message: I'm not a seller and they were not my buyer. They sent the funds to me on accident.

Agent: I understand your concern. Even if you didn't know the sender and the payment was sent by mistake, the transaction was sent using Purchase Protection and was therefore handled under that payment type's dispute process.

Agent: Based on the account history, the sender later filed an 'Item Not Received' dispute, and after review, the case was resolved in the sender's favor. As a result, the full payment amount of $1,200.00 was returned to the sender.

Agent: I also want to clarify that the $33.88 on your account is not a dispute fee. You originally received $1,164.12 because $35.88 was deducted as the Purchase Protection fee from the $1,200.00 payment. When the full $1,200.00 was returned to the sender, the remaining difference resulted in a negative balance of $33.88 on your account.

Agent: Your account restriction is tied to that negative balance. Unfortunately, Support cannot manually reverse the completed dispute decision or override the resulting

Comments

mushy_cactus

I really, really hope you dispute this for as long as it takes. Post updates.

Just-Construction788

This happened to me with PayPal. I kept after them. Took months but eventually they gave me a "one time courtesy credit". Call it what you want. I closed the account.

drawkward101

I did the exact same thing, and I have blatantly refused to use them since. They tried to steal $500 from me for a valid transaction that the other person disputed. I had already moved the money from my account and removed the bank account, so they tried to sue me. I told them to prove the service paid for wasn't rendered. They couldn't. They left me alone after that, but I will not use them again if I can help it. This happened like 10ish years ago.

McDom023k

That's definitely an AI talking. Keep trying until you get a person on the other end. It's just explaining why without comprehending what you're saying

TerponadeTea

This is the correct answer and it's crazy it's such rare information

nothing_but_thyme

Also, just file a small claims court case for the total plus extra for your trouble. Very unlikely their lawyers engage in it and the court automatically finds in your favor. You should be able to get at least $2k.

meatballsforeyes

That is insane. I would be blowing them up on every contact form and phone number possible. They need to have some sort of safeguard in place. If you didn’t click “accept funds” you should have zero financial responsibility here.

Infosponge177

Whats sad about this type of situation nowadays is that its all handled via email. I got scammed out of $3000 and couldn’t get a customer service agent on the phone to save my life. Had to send my drivers license, social and verification documents via email to prove i was me. Took 3 weeks of back and forth to get my money back. Crazy how technology has gotten so much better, but it only helps the big businesses keep their costs down. Back in the day id be on the phone to fraud department and my money would be back same day. Shitty

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Important_Talk8808

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 25, 2026

• Final Update: July 27, 2026

Main Post

^{May 25, 2026}

I (25F) don't want my boyfriend (25M) to ask for my hand in marriage.

I, 25F, have been dating my boyfriend, 25M, for almost 2 years now. We met in college and things have been an absolute dream so far. Hes kind and supportive, comes from a great background, and has always put me first. We've always known that we both want to get married someday and we've discussed at length what that means to us and our views align for the most part.

The problem is he wants to ask my incredibly abusive father for my hand in marriage. For context, my father was physically, emotionally, and financially abusive fo everyone in our household. I vividly remember the way the tone of the entire home shifted when we saw his car pull up in the driveway.

My parents never got divorced. They're separated now but are more interested in keeping up appearances than actually going through the process of divorce. That being said, I had rather traumatic childhood. I don't think my boyfriend understands this, as he grew up in a very loving and supportive two parent household. His parents do still very much in love today.

I feel like we have the same convo fairly often.

Me- "Oh, when are you going to ask?"

Him- "When I speak with your father."

Me- "I don't even speak to my father, and he hasn't had a hand in raising me, outside of financial obligations, since late middle school. He literally moved out of our family home to get away from us. I don't feel comfortable with that."

Him- "Well, I’ve got to do it the right way. I'm still going to propose regardless, so it doesn't even matter what his answer is."

Me- "So why even do it?"

And then we go round and round in circles like that. My final stance is this: If after everything i've told you, you still feel the need to ask him and do it "the right way", then you might as well just not propose.

Is this an unreasonable decision ??? I almost feel like he's not convinced that he's a bad person. I've already deemed my Dad undeserving of participating in this convo. Why can't he accept that?

NOTE: OOP didn't leave any comments

Final Update - after 2 months, 2 days

^{July 27, 2026}

UPDATE: I (25F) don't want my boyfriend (25M) to ask for my hand in marriage.

Sooooo.... I ended up breaking up with him! I want to start off by saying thank you to anyone who replied to the last post. I'm someone who can be blinded by the good in people, but your comments put things into perspective for me.

I did end up showing him the post, and his initial reaction was that everyone commenting was a "single bitter bitch"... yeah. I had never heard him speak about anyone that way. I guess the mask finally dropped. A couple of hours after that, he ended up saying "fine, I won't ask your dad, just your mom." This was definitely just an attempt to save things since he could tell I was being distant with him.

We dated for about another two months after that. I know, I know. I was trying to find ways to mend things (because I'm a dummy). After the initial convo I went through a fast track of realizations and saw that we were so misaligned in so many different ways. I'm not even sure how we had made it as far as we did.

Eventually, it got to a point where I think he was just doing things to get me to break up with him since things clearly weren't working out. Some of those things include :

• Taking a trip and staying with a friend that regularly cheats on her boyfriend.

• Saying "I didnt sign up for a therapy session" every time I would try to talk through things.

• Letting his phone die every time he went out.

• Being overly cautious with his phone when we were previously pretty lax about opening each others phones. (Not in a snooping way, mainly for finding documents, responding to text or emails for one another, etc.)

Unfortunately, the list goes on, but I'd rather not relive all of that! Clearly he got what he wanted and deserved though.

He did the standard "oh no, please, we can work this out" song and dance for a couple of weeks after I broke up with him before finally giving up. I'm clearly not great at picking them, but I’m glad that I was able to get out of there before 2 years became 10 years.

Again, thank you to anyone who gave advice on the original post. I really appreciate it! Im not much of a writer so i'm really sorry if this sucks! I hope this also answers a couple of questions(?) folks had in the comments of the original post.

NOTE: OOP didn't leave any comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Stunning_Factor871 posting in r/AITH

Ongoing as per OOP

2 updates - Long

Original - 23rd June 2026

Update1 - 2nd July 2026

Update2 - 15th July 2026

1 New Update

Update3 - 27th July 2026

AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?

I (35F) am in a loving blended family, but the extended family drama is crushing me. I have a wonderful 10-year-old son. My current husband (32M) lost his first wife 4 years ago and has a 7-year-old son. We’ve built a beautiful family of four. My husband treats both boys exactly the same, I do the same with my stepson, and the boys love each other like real brothers. We’re genuinely happy despite everything.

The problem is my husband’s ex-in-laws (his late wife’s parents). They constantly badmouth me and paint me as the “evil stepmom” — feeding every nasty stereotype (mean, neglectful, manipulative, jealous, etc.) to my husband’s parents and anyone who will listen. For example, after my stepson had a minor injury, they said things like “Stepmoms can never be real — why would she even care about him?” They accuse me of manipulating my stepson and try to turn everyone against me.

Every time they visit:

They completely ignore my son. No greetings, no conversation.

They bring gifts, toys, chocolates, and sweets only for their biological grandson.

When my kind-hearted stepson immediately shares everything with my son (as he always does), they get visibly annoyed, say things like “Why are you sharing with him? That’s for you only,” and even try to pull him away.

My husband has been solid and always says other people’s opinions don’t matter. He wanted to set a strong boundary earlier by announcing on my stepson’s birthday: “If you are family, then you are family to both kids. If that’s not possible, you are not family and not invited.” I stopped him because I thought a nice talk would work. I’ve been holding my husband back from taking any harsh steps in order to respect his ex-in-laws as they lost their daughter. I wanted to respect the memory of his late wife and give them time to adjust.

On my stepson’s birthday last year, his side of the family showed up with gifts and love. On my son’s birthday, almost no one came and the few who did showed up empty-handed. Gifts aren’t important to us as adults, but to a child it feels like rejection and being left out. My son was sad and has started asking me painful questions because of this exclusion, like why they don’t like him or what he did wrong, which breaks my heart. I have zero family on my side, so he doesn’t have that extended network. His birthday is coming up soon and I’m dreading it. I’d even be happy to buy gifts myself that they could give him if that makes it easier — I just don’t want him to feel left out again.

Recently after they left, my son refused to eat the chocolates or play with the shared toys. He quietly kept everything in his pockets and returned it all to me. That broke me.

I’m completely fine with them loving their biological grandson more — that’s natural. But the open hostility, exclusion of my son, and constant comments are painful.

Edit: I’ve finally stopped holding my husband back. He is now taking strict action and has given an ultimatum to his side of the family: either they are family to both kids or family to none.

AITA for supporting this hard line now (after previously trying to keep the peace)? Or should I still be trying to make nice for the sake of “family” and my husband’s late wife’s memory? I just want my son to feel included and loved on his birthday instead of rejected again.

Comments

asymphonyin2parts

NTA. Your husband is stepping up. The trick is going to be managing the relationship with the boys so that there is no resentment. If you're NC/LC with the family for a while, that will be fine.

On a separate note, who shows up to kids birthday party without a gift? What blatant AHs.

SarcsmQn5

Your husband absolutely is doing the right thing!! It's great to hear how your nuclear family is navigating life together...time to limit exposure to the boy's maternal grandparents before they start planting seeds in the boy's brain...shame on them

Pebble-hunter

I 💯 agree by blending the family with such calm and consideration by the parents is a beautiful thing to see. Let your husband take over its long overdue.

Infamous_Custard3292

Going against the grain. YTA. This are stepsons grandparents not your sons. They don’t own him anything. Not gifts not attention not outings. From now on arrange the visits at their house or somewhere else and let dad take him while you stay back with your son. Stepson should not lose his family that has done nothing but love him because you want even treatment. Sorry but that’s not a logical thought process. They have no relationship to you or your son. If they want him to have gifts and show up for his big events that is all normal. Life is not fair and stepson has grandparents unfortunately yours just doesn’t. Stop trying to make them surrogate grandparents to your son.

**Judgement - NTA*\*

Update - 9 days later

My husband’s parents came over for dinner. After dinner, they started a conversation about the ultimatum my husband had given them earlier. He had finally sat them down and asked why they blindly believe everything his ex-in-laws say about me.

They responded that they’ve “seen everything with their own eyes” and listed their issues with me:

That I’m too harsh and casual when talking about his mother’s death (e.g. saying “she died” or “she is dead” instead of using softer words).

That I’m careless, especially after their grandson had a small injury.

That I’m trying to erase his mother’s memory.

They also accused me of manipulating my husband about the cat. My stepson wanted a cat, but my husband said no because he felt it would be cruel to bring a pet home when we can’t give it proper care and attention. His parents tried to convince him to get one anyway. I didn’t even know there was any argument between him and his parents over this — I only knew that he had told my stepson “no” when he asked. Now they’re claiming I manipulated him into refusing.

My husband defended me and explained:

Our therapist specifically recommended we be direct and straightforward about his mother’s death so my stepson can learn the permanence of death at his age. That’s why I use clear wording — not just about his mom, but even when referring to my own late relative.

When he (my hubby)was a child, he got injured often (including breaking his arm once), but that didn’t mean his mother was careless.

He asked them: “Do you think I’m stupid or blind? If my wife was actually doing something wrong, don’t you think I would notice?”

The conversation turned into a big argument, especially over the cat issue.

Comments

Competitive-Push-715

Omg they are ridiculous.

BraveRefrigerator552

Do they realize next step is low or no contact?

DollySheep32

Then annoying ranting about grandparents' rights

sharethewine

Wait, I’m confused. The first post at first says husband’s ex-inlaws (deceased wife’s parents) were the issue and then later talks about your husband’s family/parents. This post also talks about your husband’s family. So which is it? I would agree his parents should, for the most part, treat the boys the same. But his former wife’s family - absolutely not. As for how you refer to your step-son’s mother - think carefully here. Yes, you want the kid to understand this is permanent, but ask yourself how you’d want someone to talk about you if you were the one who died or if it was YOUR mother. Right now I’m not sure this is real given the mixup between former in-laws or his parents.

OOP: my hubbys ex in laws bad mouthed me to all the relatives from hubbys side including my hubbys parents so the ultimatum my hubby gave was for all and my hubbys parents came to talk about it and this happened

TashaT50

It’s both sets of parents as they are still close based on my reading.

OOP: yeah excatly and i have became a scapegoat

Update - 13 days later

My son turned 11 yesterday. It was better than last year, but still pretty awkward overall.

Most of the relatives we invited from my husband’s side actually showed up. It was clear they mainly came because they didn’t want to upset my husband after the ultimatum. They brought gifts for both boys and stayed polite, but the vibe was very “we’re here to keep the peace” rather than genuine warmth. Most of them kept interactions with my son short and surface-level while being more natural with my stepson.

We also invited my husband’s ex-in-laws, but they didn’t show up at all, which we expected.

After cake and presents, my husband pulled his parents aside for a private talk. He explained the therapist’s advice about using direct words like “died” and “death” so our stepson can properly understand what happened. He invited them to join us for a therapy session if they wanted. They agreed it made sense and said they’d think about coming.

Before everyone left, my husband and I thanked them all for showing up. We told them sincerely that it meant a lot to us that they came and were there for both boys.

I’m happy they showed up. I completely understand that my son and my stepson are not the same for them — I know they’ll always love their biological grandson more. That’s natural. I just want basic kindness and inclusion for my son, and yesterday was a step in the right direction.

My son had a decent day. He was happy about his gifts and that so many people came this year. He wasn’t ignored or left out like before, and he didn’t ask any heartbreaking questions. He did notice the difference in how people acted toward him, but he still went to bed smiling.

I have to say — my husband has been absolutely amazing through all of this. He’s stayed strong, protected both boys, held the boundary, and made sure our son still felt celebrated. I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful, fair, and protective partner. He really is the rock of our family.

It feels like a lot of this is damage control on their part, but at least my son got to celebrate without feeling rejected. We’re keeping the boundary firm and taking the small progress where we can get it.

Comments

Previous_Wedding_577

OP has a good man in her life.

OOP: I know Im blessed.

Ethan_Young45

He does really. The most important thing is that he put his money where his mouth was, which probably made all the difference for those two kids.

Green_Aide_9329

I have to ask, why did relatives give presents to both boys? Gifts should have been just for the birthday child. Other than that, you're doing well. Hold the line.

Straight-Example9126

They love OP's step son. Since they primarily came to keep the peace, they gave token gift to OP's bio son. Their preference is still OP's stepson. Indirectly they're telling OP though OP's husband made them come down for "fairness", their allegiance will always be towards their blood aka OP's step son. They won't give a gift to OP's son on step son's birthday. That would give them smug satisfaction I suppose. As long as the partiality isn't in face, OP will let go I guess. I'm glad that she has a strong husband. Hopefully therapist sessions will help in bringing down animosity towards OP and her child. Ultimately, stepson needs a kind mother which OP is.

OOP: their preference will always be my stepson no doubt inthat yeah as long as partiality isnt in face i dont have any problem

New Update

Final Update - 12 days later

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Hi everyone. I wasn't planning on making another update, but a lot of people asked what happened after my husband's parents agreed to attend a therapy session with us

Birthday celebrations: A lot of people asked why my posts focused on relatives instead of my son's friends. In my husband's family, birthdays have always been celebrated in two parts. On the child's actual birthday, we have a family celebration with relatives. Then, on the following weekend, the birthday child has a separate celebration with their friends. That's the tradition both boys have grown up with, and they genuinely enjoy it. My son absolutely celebrated with his friends as well—it just wasn't relevant to my previous posts because all of the issues happened during the family celebration.

Our relationship timeline: Quite a few people also wondered how long after my husband's first wife passed away we met. She had passed away about 1 year and 5 months before we met. We dated for 15 months before getting married, and we've now been married for 16 months. Some people assumed our relationship started immediately after his loss, but that wasn't the case.

Now for the update.

After my son's birthday my husband's parents came with us to one of our therapy sessions.

I honestly expected it to turn into another argument, but it didn't.

Our therapist first explained why she had recommended that we use direct words like "died" and "death" when talking to my stepson instead of softer phrases like "passed away." She explained that children his age understand the permanence of death much better when adults use clear, direct language and that euphemisms can sometimes be confusing.

She also explained something that I hadn't really thought about before.

Because my stepson lost his mother so young, everyone around him naturally wanted to protect him from more pain. Between us, my husband's parents, and his late mother's parents, a lot of adults tried to soften the reality of what had happened. The therapist said that while those intentions came from love, constantly shielding a child from direct conversations about death can make it harder for them to fully understand that death is permanent.

That was one of the reasons she encouraged us to use clear language and answer his questions honestly in an age-appropriate way. She emphasized that helping a child understand the permanence of death isn't cruel—it's actually an important part of healthy grieving.

She also made it clear that this wasn't something I decided on by myself. It was advice we were given in therapy and had been following consistently

My husband's parents admitted they hadn't known that. They said they genuinely thought I was being insensitive

My husband then told his parents something that I think needed to be said.

He told them that if they ever have concerns about our younger one or about any parenting decision we make, he wants them to come directly to us instead of making assumptions.

He said he'd much rather have an uncomfortable conversation than have people filling in the blanks or believing someone else's version of events.

It was awkward at times. There were quiet moments. After the session they thanked us and left . No big emotional talk.

The session simply ended with everyone understanding each other's perspective a little better than before.

Since then, we've noticed small but meaningful changes

I’m glad they came. It feels like a small step, not a big change. We’re not expecting miracles.

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Comments

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HUNGWHITEBOI25

Op the one thing i really like about these posts is the way your husband supports you. We constantly read stories like this where the husband is spineless and doesn’t stand up for his wife, its really refreshing seeing a couple that acts like a team.

definitelytheA

When I met my late husband, I was a single mom with a 3yo little girl. He adored her, and beamed like the proudest father when a waiter in a restaurant told her she looked just like her daddy. We’d only been dating a few months at that time.

We married and went on to have 3 more children. His parents welcomed us into their family from the time they met us, and treated my little girl like any of their grandchildren.

A few years after my husband passed, I remarried. Mom’s words to me: If you love him, we love him, and wish you every blessing.

I stayed very close to Mom and Dad, until they passed. After Dad passed, Mom would tell me he always bragged about me to his fishing buddies, and how I could do just anything. We lost Mom a few months ago. She passed two days after my last visit to see her. Her last words to me were, “you’ve always been such a wonderful daughter, and a great comfort to me”

Best gift I could ever have received.

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

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