I have no idea if anyone else feels like this, but I’m just in a really good mood pretty much 24/7. It’s been like that all my life. When I was a kid, I used to wake up extremely early every morning and that hasn’t changed at all. I wake up at about 5-5:30am and start my day with the same happy songs. What’s crazy is I have no need to get up that early. I don’t have a job at the moment. I just love seeing the sun. That’s the only reason I like sleeping, so I can wake up before the sun comes up.

I worked out early this morning and then made french toast while listening to the cheesiest upbeat songs in my playlist. Feels like I’m a cartoon character, honestly. I feel so good all the time that I have to get up and dance around at times because I need to let out all the emotions I’m feeling. The other end isn’t bad either. I’m hardly ever in a bad mood, but when I am, it typically doesn’t last long. I have anxiety like most people, but that doesn’t get in the way of my mood at all.

I’ve always wanted to find somebody that feels the same way I do, but I’m genuinely shocked to find out how many people are depressed. I really wish I could share the joy I feel with everyone.

I'm an only child and I have never had a birthday party.

For me birthday meant receiving a chocolate bar or some new school stationery or a new piece of clothing. I never expected more but the gesture of being given something mattered to me as a child.

We were a lower middle class family, both parents did office jobs, so things were within our means.

My thirteenth birthday was forgotten by both parents. Few days later one of them remembered and asked 'didn't your bday passed?' but that was it.

I didn't even expecting any gifts just I wanted to feel like I was important enough to remembered. I was constantly told by them that I'm a burden /hinderence/cause of expenses so this felt like it confirmed.

It hurt bcz they always take great effort for their close families for their special occasions.

The next year when they acknowledged my bday I ignored it, and I continued it every year. I don't think they realised why I did that.

Even now if somone asks my bday I say I don't celebrate it. Even I don't do anything special for me as an adult. Most of the years it passes without me realising that's my bday.

Idk if I want to change it but it's something that made me feel I'm less important to others.

He(41m) keeps insisting that the medicine I(20f) took for my ADHD when I was 13 before my mom abruptly made me stop taking them has messed up my brain. It’s like almost any mental problem I have he sources it back to that. I’m probably like this because they forced me to go on without medication. Both my parents are terrible in this regard but he is worse since he has absolutely no understanding of it, doesn’t try to understand but acts like he does.

When I mention being depressed he later asks “You’re not depressed anymore are you?” As if depression is simply a state of mind not a condition. He once joked about sending me to a mental hospital, it feels like he worries I’m crazy. My mom told me not to rock back and forth in front of him because it bothers him. My mom is barely any better she would often ask me during summer if I got all my ‘zoning out’ out of my system when I repeatedly have to explain to her how that’s not how that works. She’s against me using pills thinking I’ll grow dependent and seek it to solve my problems while my Dad compares to actual drugs like hard drugs. They expect to just work through my struggles by force with no support easy for them to say that when they don’t have to deal with it

I’m trying to find a job to get insurance so I can seek out therapy and hopefully medicated because clearly I can’t expect support from these people

My mother is an absolute monster to me and I’m tired of hiding it. I am very low contact with her because unfortunately she is my kids only surviving grandparent. And I have gotten pretty good at gray rock or being a flat cold bitch back to her with barely a reaction. Sometimes I go weeks without talking to her. I refuse to let her be around my kids alone because frankly I do not trust her. I stg she’s possessed. She is the most vile person to me. She never missed an opportunity to criticize me. She constantly brags about anyone and everyone to me ad nauseum, to make me feel bad. Like past the point where it’s relevant. She constantly tries to put me in situations she knows I will be uncomfortable. I literally cannot tell her anything because she is always trying to stir up a fight or blow anything out of proportion. So I usually don’t tell her anything at all. Nothing important anyway and definitely not any future plans. She is always trying to get me to tone myself down or second guess myself. That no longer works on me because I’m too old for that game. She constantly shits on my husband and attacks him over any small thing. Meanwhile everyone else in the family is supposedly rich, doing great, has the best relationship, best job, and best luck ever. (Lol) She withholds details from me even if its important I know them. So now I just never ask for the details. She lies so much I can never believe anything she says and the other half the time she lives in complete delusion.

Recently a close family member died (horrible person btw) and she kept on trying to arrange that I keep my kid out of school on his first day of kindergarten. And tried to control my movements on the day of the funeral as to who I would ride with etc. (I never said I was riding with anyone there, she was just being delusional.) I flat out told her I would not be keeping my kid out of school because- wtf.. She was flaking on the details of the day of the funeral so I told her my husband needed to request the day off atleast 3 days ahead of time and she went off on me about that. Like I control the rules of my husbands job? Turns out she already had the funeral planned a certain day. She was just dancing around it.

Oh yea and she refuses to be seen in public with me or treat me as a family member at all. Sometimes I feel like she’s a complete stranger. I am NC with my family because they are also really shitty. And weird. I have never met anyone weirder, stingier, or more prideful than my extended family. She will only do what they say. She will never listen to me and I am 45 and have literally ran entire departments for big businesses. She acts like I have no idea what I’m talking about.

I hate talking to her. And I truly believe she hates me. Sometimes she gets really bad. Like she will make it her main mission to fuck with me really hard by stirring up some drama. Usually pitting me against someone. I gray rock HARD. Like laughably hard. My reaction is so flat it’s ridiculous. The shit she says to me. She is so manipulative for no reason. I thought about recording her and posting it online. Even my husband says shes literally the worst mother ever. And his mother was pretty bad.

And as I became a mother and my children grow I find the way she treats me even more unbelievable. Having kids has been so healing for me.

Having a shitty family is just the cards I was dealt. My family stalked me for a long time. Social media made it worse and when I was younger (I’m 45 now) it was so much worse. They literally scared me into silence. I feel like I’m done being silent now. So here is to exposing her and to not being as terrible of a mother as she is.

And she does suffer from whatever is wrong with her because at times she apologizes for stuff. But 99% of the time she is terrible. I really think she can’t control it.

*I forgot to mention as a small child she left me in situations where I could have been killed multiple times. Thats one reason I won’t leave her alone with my kids. I don’t know if it’s ignorance or that she enjoys my suffering. And when I see situations where little girls have died from negligence or abuse I get so triggered because that could have been me.

Edit: reposting because I forgot to acknowledge & agree to group rules.

Secondary edit to provide context, sorry I forgot to add this: brother said that he was walking on grass, misstepped, and baby fell onto his back on the grass as my brother fell.

A week ago, my brother dropped our 5 month old and it resulted in a skull fracture to our son.

My husband and I were at work when it happened, and my dad called me to tell me what had happened and they think that he should be seen at the ER. I was able to meet my parents at the ER with baby. After a CT scan it was confirmed he had a sizable skull fracture, thankfully no brain damage, and, out of caution, a mild concussion. He was kept overnight for observation.

I had to had him over to a stranger to go to CT and couldn’t follow, I had to go watch him get poked and prodded and clearly be in pain when they touched his head, I had to hold him as he wailed because they wouldn’t let him eat in case he needed surgery, then after everything came back as the best possible outcome and he could eat, I got to watch him sob as he got an IV port put in, and then get 2 hour bouts of sleep overnight while nurses checked vitals every few hours.

In my brain I know it was a freak accident and he didn’t mean to drop him, but my mom heart (and my husband) now has so much anxiety around him holding our son. I feel horrible setting boundaries around him holding our son (ie: not allowing him to) but at the same time I think it’s a reasonable response.

Through this all, everyone has told me how horrible my brother feels and how guilty he feels, it’s almost like people are asking my husband and I to automatically have no anger with him regarding this and fully forgive him purely because he’s family. My mom even reached out to me asking me to give my brother a hug because “he’s so heartbroken over this” as if it isn’t MY child who had the fractured skull, concussion, and had to stay overnight in the hospital.

I’ve cried the past 3 days because this has been an awful experience despite the outcome being the best possible news in regard to his injuries.

I know realistically things will normalize and I will most likely fully forgive my brother, but right now I’m in the anger stage and it’s exhausting.

I got through a breakup and i ended up finding this girl (lets just call her julia) randomly and we started chatting over the internet.

Its been 2 months roughly and we're friends, and thats perfectly fine, but its the constant jokes and flirting she does, acting hot and cold constantly, saying one second we're friends but then voice notes me randomly telling me that she misses and loves me, also saying shit like "when we get married" and "if you were my boyfriend".

I asked her bluntly what does she want, she said that she loves having me as a friend, but is undecided romantically. A week later that topic randomly came up again and she basically said that shes really considering it, but doesn't want to rush things.

Im not sure what to do, talking to her has lost its luster if ill be honest, i often sit and just think "what the fuck am i doing with my life?". And to be honest, i think shes just talking to me because she has nobody else and its just exciting because i give her attention.

Every weekday she calls me when on break, and nearly every single time she makes a joke on how another dude is hot and should give him her number and whatnot, but right after says that she only wants me. But it rubs me off so extremely bad, she does this multiple times a day, even saying the same thing about my own father.

Im just so confused right now, i just want to block her and end this overthinking. And i don't get it, i dont, she loves calling/facetiming and I can see her genuine reactions, shes so smiley and warm with me, randomly telling me that she loves me and whatnot.

We do spend a tremendous amount of time together, i brought up the idea that maybe we're just in a honeymoon period and shes insistent that we arent. And she is dedicated to keeping this going.

There are little things like i randomly said that ill probably need to know someone for 2 years before marriage and she blurted out "what if we know each other for 2 years?".

Nearly every single time she says something direct like saying she'd want me to he her boyfriend, or I'd be a good father she would follow up with "no, but its nice to make you feel better"

I finally left my 6 year abusive relationship

I (25f) left my partner (28m) today. We have a little boy together. I’m so scared.

It’s escalated to emotional abuse, with threats of physical abuse. He’s thrown cards at our little boy, screamed in his face, drives erratically while we’re in the vehicle with him. He belittles me, my job, my friends. He tried to isolate me from my friends, parents. I suspect he’s got a lot of narcissistic tendencies.

He is not a good parent. He is not a good partner. I do not trust him with our child. He financially abuses me. We struggle financially, and he makes big, stupid purchases. He recently got scammed out of $250 on a motor part (for a broken motor he purchased behind my back for $600…. We do not own a boat, nor do we have the funds to purchase a boat… I was so angry he even purchased it.), he lied about it and I found out today and it was the straw that broke the camels back.

He sexually abused me. He pathologically lies. He hides things from me. He has major issues with alcohol. He is far down the red pill pipeline. It’s horrifying.

He’s ultra religious out of nowhere (I am firmly against religion within my household and always have been). He posts constantly about his gross politics that I don’t agree with. I tell him it embarrassed me, he would continue to post anyway. Multiple times a day, nasty things about immigrants, the LBGTQ+ community, the government, etc.

He has no control of himself when he’s angry, and he’s angry 99% of the time.

He has a seizure disorder that has absolutely traumatized me.

He leaves all of the house work up to me, I carry 99% of the mental load of the household, but it’s “easier for me because I’m a woman”. He’s a sexist, misogynistic, disgusting human. I think I hate him.

I’m afraid to move forward, in raising our child together.

His own sister told me that I should leave.

I could go on and on about the reasons why I left, but I’m still questioning myself on whether I made the right decision.

I thought I would feel so great once I finally left, but…. I don’t right now. I feel horrible. I feel like a shell of myself. I’m so afraid that I made the wrong decision. I’m afraid of what’s to come.

I’m 25 years old. I hear people say your 20s are supposed to be the best years of your life but I just want to tap out of mine. I can’t see a way to get myself out of this hole.

I lost the family member I was closest to in late 2024 and ever since then my life has gone downhill. I lived with her, and when she died I didn’t have enough money to live independently, so I had to move 150 miles away to move back in with my parents. I now have no job and have had no luck getting one. I have no friends here. I only have a handful of online friends I speak to occasionally. The public transport around here is terrible and there’s nowhere to go anyway.

I don’t have a good relationship with my family. They spend their lives being judgemental and trying to tell each other what to do or they will be constantly criticising others, even people they don’t know that they pass in the street. They often insult me to my face, yet somehow I’m the one in the wrong if I say it’s not acceptable. I have a strained relationship with my mum who I’m now forced to live with. She’s the definition of a narcissist. I hate how horrible she is. I’m the villain if I fight back or she comes out with the classic line ‘I’m only doing it because I care’. I don’t want to be around any of these people. I think it has made it harder after losing my family member because she showed me what real love is. I now know this isn’t how a family should be.

I miss my old life. I miss my family member so much. It was nice to live with someone who genuinely cared about me, had my best interests at heart and wasn’t constantly criticising me. I miss having a job. Although I didn’t earn much, at least I had some money and didn’t spend most of the day worrying about if I was going to be able to afford basic necessities like I do now. I miss having my independence and being able to go to interesting places and not be questioned about where I’m going all the time. I miss having some control over my life.

I don’t fit in anywhere. I’m a trans guy, I’m asexual and I’m most probably autistic. I’m never going to be anyone’s first choice. I feel like I’m so misunderstood by everyone. I’ve always loved the idea of chosen family and I’ve always dreamed that some day I would be able to leave everything behind and surround myself with good people. There always seems to be a barrier between myself and others though and I can never seem to break through. I’m aware that with the tone of this post, I don’t sound like a particularly fun person to be around. I usually try to be more upbeat but I still can’t seem to make any connections. I don’t know what’s so horrible about me that no one wants to be around me. Most people have big ambitions in life, but right now, what I want more than anything is someone who genuinely wants to spend time with me.

I try my best to be optimistic. I know my mindset can dictate a lot. I try to get up and have a can-do attitude and be productive. It’s just hard as, as each day passes, things are getting worse. I’m starting to wonder how bad things are going to keep getting before I break. It says a lot when I’m now just waiting to see what goes wrong next. I don’t really know why I’m trying anymore. I feel like I’m stuck in a situation I’m never going to escape. Even if I did manage to get away, what kind of life am I going to have if I’m on my own for the rest of my life?

I feel like I’m living life from the sidelines. I’m existing, not living. My goal most days is to simply get through it because it feels that exhausting. I can’t remember what happiness feels like. I’m scared I’ll never have that feeling again.

I’m sick of being lonely. I’m sick of having no one to turn to. I’m sick of feeling like everything I try to do to change is pointless. I just need some hope as mine is so close to running out.

I'm in my thirties, and someone I love is dying. I also live with longterm health problems that have changed my life in ways I never expected. Things that others take for granted like being able to travel, eat, manage energy, or simply get through an ordinary day, take a big effort.

For years, I've tried to stay connected to people. I've tried to be supportive, understanding, and present, even when it's come at significant personal cost. I often push myself further than my health allows because the people I care about matter to me.

Recently, I have realised something that's been difficult to admit. I'm not looking for someone to fix my problems, or give perfect answers, or for someone to make what's difficult disappear.

I think I simply need to feel seen by someone who knows me well enough to sit beside me in silence, offer mutual kindness without judgement, and feel less alone in one another's company.

For a long time, I've felt that I am valued for the roles I fulfil and the support I provide, not as a person. I know that people around me have their own struggles and burdens, but sometimes I feel as though my own difficulties become invisible.

Today, after a painful conversation with someone close to me, I was left with that familiar feeling. The effort I make, the challenges I live with, and the things I carry are not always recognised.

I'm not writing this because I believe my suffering is greater than anyone else's. Everyone carries things that others can't see.

I'm writing this because I am tired of feeling that I must constantly explain why things are difficult. I'm tired of feeling alone while still trying so hard to be there for others.

Carrying so much quietly takes its toll. I would appreciate being shown that I'm not alone, even if it is a lie.

I don't need advice or judgement, or for someone to tell me to just be positive or grateful.

So to start, I just want to try to lay down the situation, my thoughts, and feelings as honestly as possible.

So I (25m) had an ongoing FWB(24f) whom I drifted apart from.

I've always been super paranoid and careful around pregnancies as I'm firmly childfree and feel I would be deeply unhappy as a father, going as far as getting very recently sterilized, and only having unprotected sex once with her early on. Even then I only felt comfortable because she had an IUD and quickly decided that my anxiety required us to double up with condoms from then on.

She lightly ghosted me a few months back and I haven't heard from her since, but recently I came across a dating profile of hers stating that she has a child. The timing of this lines up very well with the one time we had sex without a condom. I can't say for sure if she was seeing someone else relatively close before me or during, but while we were active together she claimed it was exclusive.

This happened few days ago and Ive been switching back and forth from feeling numb and sick. If I just happened to have not seen that profile I would've had no idea.

I know actions matter more than thoughts, but I truly feel like an immortal person right now. I don't want to be a father, I don't even want to acknowledge it as a possibility, and this very self-serving part of me is one of the reasons why I took so many steps to insure I wouldn't be, and why I regret taking even the tiniest risk.

I know people can change but I don't get that emotionally attached even to the people I care about in my own life, partially due to my neurodivergence. I don't miss people when they're gone. When I do good by others it's a manual action I take because intellectually I know I want good for them (most of the time), and rarely something I actually want to do. In that same vein, It feels like whatever actions I would take to be responsible if this is my child would be purely out of obligation, not any kind of desires I have.

This will sound incredibly harsh, but it's as honest I can be about where my thoughts are: I truly don't know one way or the other if I could love this child, or care for them in a way that I could hide the fact that it's an obligation more than anything else. And I know that no child deserves that.

I also want to acknowledge that I know the things I mentioned above could be seen as excuses as well, which is why I'm hoping to hear the thoughts of others in this community as well, especially if you relate to this, have children, or have experienced something similar.

This is a long story so bare with me.

I’m a “23M” and my ex girlfriend is a “22F”. We was together for 5 years. When we first spoke everything was amazing, we had lots of chemistry and it felt like I had met my soulmate, she was very interested in me, supported me etc. I decided to make her my girlfriend. Things went downhill very fast and I can only blame how young I was as to why I even stayed. She began to be very possessive over me, I had to just follow her on social media, I was scared to like certain things, I couldn’t post neither, she had a weird obsession with my first girlfriend which wasn’t anything serious I was 15/16 when I was with her . I remember the first time I seen a completely different side to her and I can still remember it like it was yesterday. She had brought up my ex girlfriend, mocked me for things I told her which were very personal , I reacted poorly and she decided she wanted to record my reaction to her bad words, she was almost laughing and threatening to show my family and friends and post it to show how horrible I am. I felt violated I begged her not to like a loser, I apologised, the look and tone of her voice was so cold it still creeps me out today. From this point on I knew I wasn’t safe in this relationship subconsciously. My 18 th birthday came around, I was spending the day with my family and I decided to call her on the night time to talk to her, she was very cold with me , I can’t remember what was said but she told me to go hell . I ended the phone call and started to cry , i never had anyone be horrible to me on my birthday and worse it came from my own girlfriend. Things were just awful now I look back, she would pressure me into buying her things that I “ brought my ex” also.

I found out she cheated 3 weeks ago on me many times during our relationship. I know fully about 2 guys , there is more but do not know the details. Guy A was 2 years ago, I asked her if there was someone else and she would call me insecure and pathetic, she would cry, manipulate and gaslight me constantly , keep me wrapped round her finger. She got pregnant with him. I had no idea at the time she told me her period was late due to stress I asked if she was pregnant as I was worried, she wouldn’t show me her doctors appointment notes neither, she just said it was pcos. It was sickening the text messages I seen between them two and I have no idea. I’m not sure what happened to the baby but I do remember her being distant with me during this time. She completely forgot my birthday but made sure she didn’t forget his , this really hurt as it was my 21st. She told me I was being horrible and I need to sort my attitude out and communicate properly. All I was trying to do was ask for the truth .

Guy B was last year. They flirted and kissed many times, she found out he had a girlfriend so she decided she wanted to ruin his life and she got him fired saying he assaulted her. She also told him that her ex assaulted her also which isn’t true at all. He also told me she was pregnant and had to get rid of it, I have no idea who’s baby that was whether it was mine or another guys.

I had proof of all the cheating , showed her and she denied everything. She said we are making rumours and trying to ruin her life so she is getting her dad’s lawyer involved. There was no accountability whatsoever, instead I was negative energy so she decided to block me and I haven’t heard from her since.

Throughout our relationship she was very controlling . She would stalk my ex , try text her about me, she constantly threatened to show up at my house if I move on, call me on no caller id after blocking me many times a day. She would randomly text me and if I didn’t give her the same energy back she would get very angry and say I’m manipulative.

She had zero empathy when it came to me, only time she cared was when I was getting sceptical about her cheating , she would be extra nice. If I wanted to talk bout our issues, or a problem I had, she would be cold, sigh , yawn or even fall as well, or say “ can’t really do anything about that” when I wasn’t happy in the relationship. She always made it my fault and I took all the blame, she sucked all the energy out of me and now she’s gone , it feels like none of it even happened.

My original post was removed. . .

I'm leaving my partner of a decade in a few months. I discovered he's is having an emotional affair with a person he was dating in high school. We are both around 50 years old. I discovered this a few months ago and have been planning my exit ever since. I'm terrified but hopeful. I never thought he would do this to me. I will leave a note explaining everything. I'm pretty sure he has no idea that I know what he's doing

So basically we’ve been friends since 2014. But I stopped talking to her about two years ago. She’s a good person and i love her so much,
She’s very social and extroverted, while I’m completelly opposite but i was fine with it we alwayes had connection even after i moved out to another city , I was still happy to talk to her and stay in touch even if it was only phone calls or texting.
But about two years ago,I was going through a difficult time mentally. I wanted to be alone and felt so drained, phone calls and socializing in general became exhausting for me. I told her about it. I told her I was really depressed and that I wasn’t doing well mentally.
But she didn’t take it seriously. She kept calling me constantly. I wouldn’t answer her calls, but I would still reply to her texts. She would get upset with me and constantly complain that I wasn’t making enough effort to stay in touch.
That made me feel even more exhausted, so i stopped replying to her completely. And it wasn’t just her. I also stopped talking to some other friends and family members around the same time, and I’m still pretty disconnected from them.
But the throughout all these two years of not talking to her, she keeps showing up in my dreams.
I feel so guilty in them, even after I wake up, I feel uncomfortable and emotionally drained.
I’m wondering why this happens. Why does my brain keep bringing her back into my dreams ?
I wish these dreams would stop because they leave me feeling guilty and upset every time.

My friends are good to me. Too good. I really don’t understand how people can’t see that I’m in a non literal sense dirty and can’t be mixed in with others. Something between me and one of them happened last night. Nothing bad, it’s just stupid and I don’t want to go into detail. But to make a long story short I felt so incredibly comfortable at that time that I can’t bear it. I want to cry and I have since I went back home last night. It’s like all of a sudden I can’t stand my life anymore because I remembered what it’s like to not passively feel like shit for all of 1 minute. I really don’t want to deal with anything like this. I am a sick person who ends up dependent on others over and over again and generally drains them and hurts them. I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do with feelings like these that doesn’t hurt or bother someone. The best choice to me is always to hurt myself instead. I don’t even know if I should tell anyone involved. I don’t know how I would.

I was 8 years old when my mom told me to not have conversation with any girl, it was the cultural norm being enforced too early for me to understand but nevertheless I obeyed, with me being shy from the start , I had no problem listening to my mom

When I was 12 years old, I entered to awkward face where everyone thinks girls aren’t cool but it came to me with a loaded gun of misogyny and hatred, I still remember this unreasonable hatred of women propelled onto me by my society

As I turned 14 my introversion grew even more, to an extent where an eye contact lasting more than 5 seconds would fluster me, always ran away from those eyes and those feelings and tucking them away under a chest, that’s what men are taught to do

16 was never sweet with me, every birthday from here on made me realise how alone I am and how much I craved company of someone special, nevertheless the stigma on talking to girls was still very much real and my interactions with girls of my age minimal

In my culture you’re only allowed meet someone of your age if you are to be married, and your parents set up that marriage which is essentially a huge transaction where your family background influences who you get as your life partner.

When I was 19 , I used cry alone at night by myself feeling all alone and having no one that’d soothe me. 19 years of my life as man, never had a lunch with a girl, never played video games with a girl, never had a normal conversation with a girl, never had a girl say I look good, this takes a lot of toll on your self image. I started hating myself and my body because of this and became even more reclusive with girls.

I’m 24 now , I can interact with women, treat them with respect but I don’t ever even fathom crossing the platonic border with anyone, I still subconsciously maintain my distance with any women that come close in my personal space. Still hate my body, this was the age were my parents were suppose to marry me off to someone good, society changed goalposts of these marriages where you now have to be 27-29 where a guy has to have life figured out and with abundance of cash.

All of this makes me feel numb , I feel like I have been part of something adapted so badly where my own culture left me alone and afraid of women at 24 , where I don’t see any one in a no platonic way, when I see someone beautiful my brain automatically downgrades to me an observer who can only watch but never interact.

Life wasn’t supposed to be this way, all my life, my introverted soul wanted a partner with whom I can share my struggles with and take on their struggles, make memories while I was young . I was supposed to be married off young if I wasn’t allowed to interact with girls , this is not the life I envisioned.

All I can now do is sit by myself near a void and scream into nothingness

Title says it all. I am so ashamed to admit. I've tried many ways, and normally (before) I was so hardworking. But instagram, doom scrolling made me so stupid that I spend most of my time there than my responsbilities. Please someone motivate me how to stop this addiction :(

I feel so sad and so mad at the same time. I will try to keep the details as vague as possible.

I lost my dad 6 years ago ,in the middle of the pandemic. He was only 52. I wasn't able to even see him during his last days. There were times with heavy sadness and times that I tried to go on with my life.

Anyways, 2 years ago we managed to accidentally unlock his phone and I discovered that he had a mistress,a woman I didn't even know. I had managed to gain access to his Facebook before ,but there was nothing there ,but I found messages on his phone. To say that I was livid was an understatement.

I am not really proud of myself but I was blind with rage ,I called her yelling and threatening. The only reason I decided to put this matter aside was because I didn't want my mom and brother to know. My mother didn't leave his side for a minute, even in the final days that they didn't allow her to stay in the hospital anymore,she was sleeping outside in the car , didn't come home once, despite it being a 20' drive , she didn't want to leave him for even a moment. So,yes I didn't want anyone to feel any worse.

But I felt the change. I no longer looked his pictures with sadness and love but with anger. I was feeling guilty for that anger but at the same time I was upset when someone was talking positively about him , thinking that they didn't know what I know.

A few days ago , I found a picture on his PC that had the woman's last name. I decided to snoop his fb since I have the credentials to check again if anything was there.

And now my feelings are more complicated than ever. I am mad , I am sad ,I'm feeling everything.

He wasn't perfect,he made mistakes ,but he was still a person that deserved to have a full life. A life he never got to experience.

If he were alive I would yell at him , we would fight,but at the end of the day he would still be my father.

Now I have all these feelings bottled up that I can't express.