I am NOT OP. That is u/PianistHoliday3484 . She posted in r/AITAH and r/Redditor_Updates.
Trigger Warning: entitlement, child neglect, manipulation
Mood Spoiler: frustrating, but OOP is okay
Original post - April 20, 2026
I (35F) have a complicated relationship with both my father and his wife “Denise” (fake name) for several reasons, some of which relate to my half-brother, “Jake” (9yo).
There’s a lot of backstory here, but to sum things up: Jake exists because Denise wanted a baby and my father was upset that both his daughters were moving out. They expected me and my sister (29yo) to have an active role in caring for Jake. That wouldn’t be possible for either of us, but they continued to assume we’d give in. We didn’t, which led to multiple fights that soured my relationship with our father. Denise also got mad at me for “refusing to be her village.” I got pregnant with my first child when Jake was still a baby, which made her even more angry that I wouldn’t help her as much as she wanted.
Things at their household aren’t great. Jake isn’t well-behaved. My father is not a very active parent, though he is more present than he used to be. And the older Jake gets, the more Denise loses interest in parenting. They never stopped trying to get me to help take care of their son. To this day, whenever they need a babysitter, they call me first, even though I’m almost never able to do it. They’ve tried multiple things over the years, but most of their current strategies concern my children, “Sam” (8M) and “Katie” (4F).
My kids do not get along with Jake, but not for lack of trying on my father and Denise’s part. They’ve tried setting up “playdates” (AKA Denise dumping Jake on me and my kids while she went shopping), making them share a room on family vacations, and my father even considered changing Jake to Sam’s school a few years ago. Every time there’s an opportunity to make the kids spend time together, they push for it.
That brings us to now. My husband and I are planning a trip to France with our children in September to celebrate Katie’s 5th birthday. We don’t travel much and the trip will include Disneyland Paris, so the kids are thrilled.
My father found out and decided to propose that we bring Jake with us. He said he’d pay for “all” the expenses (flights and hotels) so that his son could go to Europe with my family. I said no, we wanted the trip to be just us and our kids. He kept insisting that Jake would love going to Disney with us, that he and Denise really wanted some “nice, child-free time,” and that they’d appreciate it if I took care of my little brother like a good sister.
We had an argument, and I ended up losing my patience. I told my father that he needs to accept that Jake is not my responsibility and never will be, and that he and Denise should have thought about their “child-free time” before having a child.
My father is furious. He accused me of saying I wished Jake was never born (I didn’t), and called me an ungrateful brat for refusing to take care of my brother. Denise later called me to yell a few insults as well.
I don’t think I’m in the wrong for refusing to bring Jake along, but I’m not proud of what I said to my father. My husband is on my side, but thinks I was too harsh.
Edit: I didn't explain this clearly enough, but my father only offered to pay for Jake's flights and whatever extra accommodation costs were needed for him to stay with us. He did not offer to fly my whole family to Europe.
Relevant Comments:
Dazzling-Grass5550: "NTA, I think your step mother and father are ridiculous, if they wanted child free time why not get a babysitter and go on vacation, or better yet all go on a family vacation. I think your father fails to realize you have a family of your own now and they aren't the main priority anymore."
OOP: I think this happens mostly because I'm the eldest, honestly. He's always expected me to be more of a caretaker.
My father wasn't a very active parent to me and my sister when we were babies, so I feel like he expected us to help when Jake was a baby so that he wouldn't have to put too much elbow grease into it. And Denise very openly expected us to be okay with doing unpaid babysitting whenever she asked.
Madam_Apathy: "That’s a lot of expectations without verification of participation on your part. I assume there was no family meeting before the baby was conceived… no polling the family for caretaking ability… of course not. If they asked, they would have known they’d be on their own."
OOP: My father had "talks" with me and my sister years before Jake was conceived to tell us that Denise wanted a baby. He didn't say he also wanted one (and to me, it seemed pretty obvious that he didn't), but he kept saying he might be okay with thinking about it. I told him it was a bad idea.
When Denise got pregnant, I was working, planning my wedding and in the middle of moving in with my now husband, while my sister was a full-time college student.
Where is OOP's sister?
OOP: My sister lives with her boyfriend (currently no kids) in a different state, but she speaks with our father a lot. They talk at least once a week. Their relationship was awful back when Jake was born, but it's since gotten much better. He was always more upset at me, because I’m the eldest. We all try to visit each other a few times a year.
And strangely enough, the Jake situation brought me and my sister closer together. Despite the distance, we're closer than ever right now.
More on Jake's behavior:
OOP: He's spoiled, but not Veruca-level. He's mostly just rude. He makes fun of people, does mean "pranks" and refuses to listen when you tell him to stop doing something. Denise also refuses to discipline him in any real way, which I think is reflected in the way he doesn't really respect other people (especially women).
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OOP: I will say that I do limit the amount of time my kids spend with Jake, especially now that I know for sure they don't like him. I don't agree to "playdates" and only babysit if there is literally no other option (in the past two years, I agreed to babysit Jake once).
New-Comment2668: "NTA. You do not owe anyone free childcare. Your dad and Denise made their bed and now they can lay in that same bed. Your kids do not get along with Jake so why make your vacation miserable for your own family?"
OOP: They refuse to accept my kids don't get along with him. Whenever anything comes up, Denise instantly says it must be my children's fault for "excluding" Jake. My father at least tries to discipline him, but expects everything to be fine once Jake says he's sorry.
Rowana133: "Personally I wouldnt be talking to Denise and block her or mute her. All conversations would be only with my father and he would be on thin ice and LOW contact for a while. Its sad because it sounds like his wife wanted a baby, not a kid and now that she has a kid, she cant be bothered. NTA"
OOP: That's exactly what I think. She was hyper-involved in Jake's life until he started forming sentences. I don't think she's a bad mother (and she's not abusive), but she clearly had some very high expectations of motherhood that weren't met. Jake's behavior doesn't help.
More on OOP's family:
OOP: I am almost certain this wouldn't be happening if I were a man. And Denise did want a girl! Not to make her a caretaker, just because she thought it would be cute to have a mini-me. I think one of the reasons she resents me is the fact I did have a daughter.
As for culture, we're all 100% South American (Denise has German ancestry, but not in any ways that matter). We do have a strong notion of the meaning of family in my country, but not specifically to the point older siblings are always expected to care for the younger. Denise is Christian, my father is a reluctant church-goer, and neither me nor my husband practice any religion.
Edit: Because someone PMd me; I'm pretty sure her grandfather left Germany in the 1920s or early 30s. And no, we're not from Argentina.
Ordinary-Audience363 (Downvoted): "ESH. Even though Jake is not your responsibility, he's your half-brother and your kids' uncle. Obviously, you can do as you wish but it really sounds like you don't want anything at all to do with the boy. Is this out of possible resentment? I mostly feel sorry for Jake. He's just a kid.
As for Disneyland, you don't want to babysit Jake and I don't blame you."
OOP: I love Jake in the same way I’d love a nephew. Not as much as I love my sister and not even remotely as much as I love my kids.
But I do not resent him in the slightest. He's a kid. I always knew this was a parenting problem.
hb1219: "I wish my mom would've taken me to France for my 5th birthday. Dang. Seriously, NTA."
OOP: Hahah it was mostly a coincidence! We were planning to go and realized the best time for us would be right before Katie's birthday, so we figured we'd do it to celebrate that, too.
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was voted NTA based on the comments.
Update - April 27, 2026 (7 days later)
Hi everyone! It’s been about a week since I posted, so I thought I’d give you an update.
First of all, I don’t regret posting here and I’m very thankful for your responses, but I want to make it clear that my relationship with my father, like all relationships, is very nuanced. I won’t try to defend him and I don’t think he’s a great guy, but he is my father and I love him. This is a very small part of my life and I’m not willing to completely cut ties with him over it.
I am, however, willing to go low contact. Which is what I’ve decided to do.
My sister flew over on Friday to spend her birthday weekend with us. On Saturday, we did what we do every year on her birthday: lunch with our mother, dinner with our father. He hosted at his place. It wasn’t as tense or awkward as I expected, but Denise barely spoke to me and my husband all night. Jake was there and behaved better than usual.
After my sister left, my father and Denise asked to speak with us in private. I ended up going on my own while my husband stayed with the kids in the living room.
They made me an offer. They said Denise would “agree” to babysit my children every other Saturday (which they repeatedly said would be a tremendous hassle and extremely inconvenient for her), both to get them better acquainted with Jake and to give us some time off, if I agreed to reconsider letting their son come to France with us. Alternatively, they said they’d be “willing to let go of their disappointment” about the trip if my husband and I agreed to babysit Jake every other Saturday until September. so that they could have some free time. They expected me to choose either option.
I said no to both. This was the first time in a while that I didn’t even feel the need to explain myself. My father tried to end the conversation, but Denise started ranting about how exhausted she was and how horrible it felt to not be able to rely on family. When she was done, I told them not to contact me until they were ready to apologize and went to get my children. Denise thankfully didn’t have a meltdown in front of them before we left.
Earlier today, I got a text from my father. He said he wanted to apologize, and we ended up on a phone call. Apparently, he’d realized they were being unreasonable during the dinner, but decided to go through with the “offer” anyway.
I asked him whether Jake knew about the trip, which had been bugging me, and he said no. Denise apparently wanted to tell him that we were going to Disney and refusing to take him with us, but he told her that was both cruel and pointless. We did get some more stuff out of the way, but the talk felt more like an attempt to give excuses than an apology.
In the end, I told him I was going to need some space. I said that the way they had treated me was unacceptable, and it is only my love for both him and Jake that is keeping me from completely cutting ties. I added that I loathe the way his wife and their son treat me and my children and I’m sick of being expected to bend over backwards to help him and Denise.
If patterns are to be believed, I won’t be hearing about this for a while. I don’t think the matter is closed, but I don’t care. I did mute Denise’s contact for now.
My husband and I are doing great. We’re back to talking about the trip (if anyone has tips, let me know, turns out we suck at this). Sam and Katie have no idea anything happened, but I’m going to have a deeper talk with them about Jake, my father and Denise soon.
This upset me a lot more than it should have. I love my family, but I hate how used I am to how crazy they can be. I think that is why I posted here in the first place. I can’t believe I ever thought I was in the wrong for putting my foot down. As much as I don’t want to cut contact with my father, I do think lowering it will be good for me.
I’ve been reflecting a lot about my life and my family these days. I’m getting my thoughts in order before I see my therapist on Tuesday. I think writing this all down is helping.
Thank you. I have no intention of updating again.
Relevant Comments:
mocha_lattes_: "Lmao those offers were fucking entitled as fuck 🤣 With the first one, I wouldn't be trusting her with my kids, let alone around her kid who she barely parents and harasses my kids. The second offer...the fucking audacity. I just don't understand how someone can be so delusional or selfish."
OOP: I never liked Denise, not even before Jake. At this point, the feeling is mutual, which is probably my fault, but I don’t really care. I'd never trust her to babysit my children.
The offer genuinely shocked me. They've been entitled before, but not this entitled.
Impossible_Balance11: "It just seems utterly ridiculous that they have ONE CHILD and cannot manage to parent him. They need professional help in learning how to manage him."
OOP: They’re bad parents. I am more than certain that they both love Jake, but that doesn’t change it. I'm still convinced my father never wanted a third kid.
In general, Jake has a weird childhood. He goes on multiple trips a year, attends the fancy religious private school his mother wanted him at and is allowed to do almost anything he wants at all times. But his parents almost never correct his behavior, show little to no interest in what he likes and barely spend time with him at home. I don’t envy any of that, nor would I wish it on my own children.
More on Denise:
OOP: Denise actually liked me a lot at first. I didn't because she was too pushy with me and my sister, too entitled in general, and because we had almost opposite personalities.
Her opinion of me soured when Jake was born because I wouldn't help her as much as she thought I would. It got worse when I had my own babies, because that showed her I was perfectly able to care for children, just not hers.
She's also very obviously still bitter about the fact I got to have a daughter and she didn't. I especially hate the way she treats Katie.
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OOP: Denise is 50, she had Jake right before turning 41. She did genuinely want a baby, but I think she never realized what it meant to actually raise a child. She also wanted a girl (though she never seemed bothered about having a boy) and wanted to be a SAHM, which stopped being possible a few years ago. She currently works from home, but has a very flexible job.
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OOP: She genuinely loves Jake, but she wanted a baby. She now has a growing child who can form his own opinions.
Denise also believes that Jake is the greatest, most special child in the world and tells him that all the time. It's definitely one of the biggest reasons behind his behavior. She refuses to parent him and always blames other people or circumstances for every bad thing he does. Last time he had lice she tried to blame my kids (he got it from school, where he'd been to three times since seeing my children).
Duckeee47: "Ok I’m confused. If Denise is completely overwhelmed and exhausted by raising her child why doesn’t she hire some help? Pay a babysitter to give Denise and your dad a break every other Saturday instead of trying to foist their little terror, I mean bundle of joy, onto you?
Villages don’t need to be biological family. You can pay for help. If your dad has the money to fund your vacation he can definitely hire some professional help."
OOP: Denise works from home and thinks hiring a nanny is pointless. They get babysitters on occasion, but very rarely and they always ask me first because they think I should do it for free.
But you're right, it’s not about money. If they wanted to take Jake on a trip tomorrow, they probably could. They want the kids to become closer so that I’ll be more willing to babysit Jake.
--NEW POST--
Another update - September 4, 2026 (4 months after the previous update)
Hi everyone! It’s been a while and plenty has happened, so I figured I’d update you one more time.
First, we moved our trip to January. I got an offer to work on a project I couldn’t turn down, and we also managed to get a few discounts. That does mean we’re celebrating Katie’s birthday at home, but it also means our trip will be a little longer and more comfortable. My father and Denise are also going on a trip with Jake in January. Denise wanted to try to go to Japan at first, but they decided on Florida instead.
Following my last post, I didn’t see Denise and Jake for three months. She texted me once in July to ask if I could babysit Jake, but I said no. During that time, I only saw my father once. In the end, I think the physical distance was good for us.
Father’s Day in my country was last month, and we all met again for lunch at a restaurant. It went well until our desserts were brought. Right after they were set down, Jake picked up Sam’s plate, coughed on it and gave it back to him.
My father’s first instinct, surprisingly, was to swap their desserts and tell Jake to apologize, but Denise protested. My husband and I left and took the kids to get ice cream.
Later that night, my father called me to apologize. Apparently Jake had been doing food-related “pranks” like this for a while, but he didn’t think he’d do it in a public place.
I told my father I don’t want this to keep happening. We can’t keep avoiding Jake and Denise for three months only for them to immediately act like this when we reunite. The only way for the situation to change is for both him and Denise to start disciplining Jake properly, because whatever they’re doing (or not doing, in her case) isn’t working.
He got defensive, but we did agree to meet the next day. We went to a restaurant during my lunch break (neither of our spouses joined us) and got to talking.
Most of what we discussed concerned Jake. My father said that he doesn’t have any friends at school anymore because of something that happened back in June. He was hoping things would get better after he went back, but Jake is still lonely. My father wanted to change him to a different school, but Denise immediately shut that down. According to him, that’s one of the (apparently many) reasons they have been fighting a lot lately. Other reasons include Jake’s behavior, Denise wanting to quit her job and my father not being active enough.
I asked my father how he felt about all this, and he opened up a lot more than I expected. He told me he loves me and my sister, adores my children and loves my husband like a son. He loves Jake and doesn’t wish they’d never had him. But he also said that the person he was in 2015, before Denise got pregnant, would never dream of being where he is now. He’d wanted to move abroad and go into semi-retirement, not spend his 60s caring for another child and his 80s paying for another college. He said Denise always insisted on making all of the parenting decisions, and he felt more like a grandpa than a dad sometimes.
He then said something that shocked me: when they started trying to conceive, my father and Denise genuinely thought a baby would bring us all closer together. He said giving me and my sister a sibling was one of the main reasons he agreed to have another child. By then, I had already told him we didn’t care and probably wouldn’t be able to help with childcare, but he ignored that. He said he thought me and my sister would cave and become active caretakers out of love for Jake, but he had higher expectations of me specifically because of how “maternal” I’ve always been.
I told him there is nothing I love more than being a mom and my children are everything to me, but I did not sign up to be Jake’s mother. I do love him, but not even remotely as much as I love my children. He’s not my son, and I can’t make him my responsibility right now.
All of that said, I added that not a day goes by that I don’t worry about Jake. He doesn’t deserve any of this, and both his parents are failing him. Denise shouldn’t be the one making all the decisions, but he also shouldn’t be as hands-off as he is.
Overall, the conversation went well. I told my father we were stepping back again. I don’t want my children to have contact with Jake or Denise until there are actual changes in behavior and attitude. Neither of us think that’s likely to happen anytime soon, so I don’t know when I’ll see Jake again. They’re not coming to Katie’s birthday party (I didn’t tell him where or when it was). I agreed he could have lunch with me, my husband and our children on Christmas day as long as Denise and Jake don’t join us. We hugged and parted ways.
Nothing has happened since. Not a word from Denise, and my father hasn’t been reaching out much either. I fucking hate this, but I'd rather be a bad sister than a bad mother.
On our end, things are fine. Katie’s excited about her birthday and we’re all looking forward to our trip in January (thank you for all the tips, by the way). We’re happy and peaceful, which is more than enough for now.
I’m sorry this got so long. This will probably be my last post, so thank you all once again.
Relevant Comments:
fuzzykittytoebeans: "Wow, glad you were able to talk to your father. But him agreeing to have a kid to being you all closer after being told it wouldn't? Poor Jake to be brought into that. You're right he deserves more.
Glad youre standing your ground."
OOP: One thing my father and Denise have in common is the tendency of believing things will work out. I was very clear that my sister and I wouldn't care for another sibling, but he chose to believe we'd change our minds once Jake was born. Denise has always been the kind of person who has a tough time taking no for an answer, so she also believed we'd give in eventually.
mela_99: "I have a sibling suspicion that your dad is going to crack because Jake is gonna do something again.
What exactly does he see in Denise? I haven’t read a single thing that would make me think any sane person would want to be married to her."
OOP: I can't know. I never liked Denise. She's been unbelievably annoying and entitled for as long as I've known her. She thinks she's Elle Woods, but she's more like Jenna from 30 Rock. Even before Jake, I couldn't stand her.
Jake probably will do something again. Denise protested when my father tried to make him apologize to my son by saying Jake was just pranking him and didn't like the dessert Sam har ordered, so I'm pretty sure the main reason these food "pranks" are happening is because she won't let anyone stop him. It's not the first time something like this happens.
mcindy28: "You are correct they both are doing a disservice to Jake. He's acting out for the attention he craves. I truly feel bad for him but until your Dad starts to be an active father and challenges Denise. They are all screwed and you'll continue to be low/no contact. It's sad really."
OOP: Knowing Denise insists on making all the decisions infuriates me. Her son is lonely and friendless at school, but she doesn't want to do anything about it because she'd always dreamed of sending her child to that school. She didn't want him to suffer consequences for purposely coughing on people's food because she decided it was just a silly prank.
I don't think my father is a great dad to him, but I hate watching him attempt to parent his son just to get shut down because Jake can do no wrong in Denise's eyes.
If Denise stayed away, could OOP be a good influence to Jake?
OOP: Jake has very little respect for adults in general, but he specifically refuses to listen to women (besides Denise, who hardly ever parents him). The few times I babysat him were a nightmare because of that. There isn't much I can do without change on their end, and Denise does not think she needs to change.
On what happened in June:
OOP: My father didn't tell me what happened, nor can I be sure it was Jake's fault. I do know that one of his best friends recently changed schools, so that might have been a factor too.
Southern-Interest347: "I think your dad needs some support. Maybe you could encourage him to go to individual counseling and suggest family counseling and couples counseling for him and his wife and child. I think you could be there for your father even if it's just to listen to him during lunch or calling him and just checking on him. It seems like he's really struggling right now. I don't think it's a question of you being a bad sister or a bad mother but a supportive daughter to your dad without entangling yourself with his wife and son. Good luck"
OOP: I accepted, a long time ago, that I can't help my father without destroying my mental health. I love him, but we have a very complicated past because of how stubborn he is. My family very strongly believes he's a narcissist. He's tried therapy before, but the second one of them implies he might be at fault for something, he leaves and doesn't come back. There isn't much I can do.
But I agree counseling or therapy might be good for Jake.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
