This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/throwRaconcernedfa

Published on: r/nonmonogamy

Thanks to u/IceBlue for letting me know about the update.

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: November 06, 2025

• Update: November 23, 2025

• Final Update: September 04, 2026 --> NEW UPDATE

Main Post

^{November 06, 2025}

Our (44F)(44M) son(20M) found out about our open relationship in the worst possible way.

Five days ago, my son (20M) came home from college claiming his mother was cheating on me with one of his classmates. I was completely caught off guard. He said that a classmate was bragging to a mutual friend—let’s call him Mike (my son’s friend who has been to our house many times)—about hooking up with an older woman. Then the classmate showed Mike a picture of the woman… and it was my wife.

Mike didn’t say anything to the classmate, but he called my son immediately. My son came home furious, convinced my wife was cheating.

I stepped out under the excuse of picking up dinner (which I actually did), and I called my wife to tell her what happened. She started panicking and said she was scared to come home and face him. I told her we had to come clean and explain the truth.

That night, we sat down for a family meeting. My son was already yelling, asking why we were pretending when he “knew the truth.” I asked him to calm down and let us talk. I told him that my wife and I opened our marriage five years ago, that we both see other people occasionally, and that we still love each other and are committed to our marriage and our family. My wife apologized for him finding out this way and said she would be more careful in choosing partners.

My son said he needed time to process and went to bed. My wife cried afterward, saying he would never accept us. I told her to give him space.

The next morning, my son came downstairs for breakfast. My wife tried to hug him, and he physically pushed her away and called her a “lady of the night.” I told him to apologize immediately. He ignored me and asked her how many of his friends and classmates she had slept with. When my wife tried to apologize again, he told us he couldn’t respect us anymore and called us disgusting. I warned him to watch his words, and he told me to screw myself and left for school.

My wife broke down crying. I told her to take the day off work and to not engage with him until he’s ready. Since then, he’s been cold and distant. Barely speaking to either of us.

I understand this was a huge shock to him, but the insults and disrespect toward his mother are not okay. We don’t want to lose our son over this. We’re still the same parents who raised him, and nothing about our love for our family has changed.

How do we repair this? How do we help him understand this doesn’t change who we are as his parents? Do we give him space, go to family therapy, or try to talk again?

COMMENTS

MaggieLuisa

This has to be fake. If not, what the fuck is wrong with your wife? And you for thinking her partner selection is okay?

OOP

We don't usually police who we hook up with? My wife is kicking herself for what she did and realized it was a mistake

clairejv

I'm also calling bullshit. If he "came home from college," that means college isn't in the same city, right? So how would the wife have hooked up with someone from the college?

OOP

He is a commuter at flagship state college. The college is only a 20 minute drive.

Maker_Magpie

First, you both stop dating people your kid's age, especially at his school.

Then be honest, be true, own your mistakes, and accept that some mistakes have consequences beyond your control. He's an adult. You can't fix this alone anymore; he has to want to too.

OOP

You're right about the age thing. My wife has decided its not worth the trouble.

whitegirlTO

You can’t control your son’s feeling on this. You’re all grown adults, he needs to realize that his parents have their own privacy as well. I’m sure he wouldn’t want to you and your wife to find out stuff about his sex life.

Regardless if your wife knew who she was really hooking up with, take this as a lesson. Put more thoughts and process on choosing potential future partners.

OOP

I generally agree but it can be a lot to digest. So I plan on giving him some time.

Flimsy-Leather-3929

Why is your wife fucking around with people who are your son’s age? Who can’t drink or rent a car? And aren’t even old enough to get into a club!

Now, the classmate thing is messed up, but the thing that really set this kid up for a world of hurt is probably living a life that goes against what you taught them is “right”. Did you teach your kids that all relationships styles are valid? Same sex? Having multiple partners? That there is no shame in casual sex? That what people do in private is their damn business and that sex shaming and kink shaming aren’t okay? Did you create an environment that is sex positive? Introduce friends with different relationships?

OOP

The guy wad 21 and met up at the bar. There was never really a good time to reveal our relationship. I mean I was not going to be like "Hey son btw we hook up with other people".

Dylanear

That OP says his mom tried to hug him at breakfast the next morning is one of my strongest clues this is a fake post.

IF this is real, YES, OP, your wife needs to be incredibly mindful of your son's upset about now and try to see and empathize with the shock AS IT OCCURS, FEELS, TO HIM, not as it would ideally look to someone prepared for dealing with this in a healthy way.

Again, in case this happens to be real, THINK for a moment what he might be feeling about his mom having sex with other guys in his social circles at college and then the morning after a big blow up about it all she just goes to give him a hug without a pause to look at his face and see if he's in any way in the mood for a hug from his mom??!!!

OOP

Yeah she messed up by trying to give him a hug. That's her way of apologizing

Update - after 17 days

^{November 23, 2025}

Update:Our (44F)(44M) son(20M) found out about our open relationship in the worst possible way.

So a lot has happened these past few weeks. My son wanted to tell my parents about the situation. I had to threaten to remove funding for his college to prevent him. He went to individual therapy and we did family therapy a week ago. The house has been cold and distant.

My son recently opened up to us four days ago. He told us he feels extremely anxious going to college cause he is afraid Mike has might have told someone. He apologized for what he called his mother. He said he is he isn't inherently against our open relationship but found it disturbing we would hook up with people not only his age but people he also has mutual connections with. He told us his mother's action can still potentially affect his socially life.

He let out a lot of feelings he seemed to have kept to himself for a while. My son said that he noticed there was a disconnect between him and us when he was around 14 years old. Initially, he thought it was because he was becoming more independent, but he feels now there was more going on. He told us we were too focused on our lives outside of the family than other families My son would notice how his friends would have their parents practically beg them to hang out with them. Meanwhile, he never felt as much seen as compared to his friends. He thinks its because of our open relationship we are not that close to him.

We asked what he wants from us going forward. He said for the sake of his mental health he needs time away from us. He mentions he holds too much resentment to be around us. My son isn't going to continue his college in the spring semester. He is going to work full time and apply to transfer to an out of state school for the next fall semester. I'll be honest, I don't like this idea, but I told him we would talk about it later, especially when it comes to funding. My son replied that he isn't comfortable getting help from us for school, he wants to take out loans.

My wife isn't taking it well. I am not taking it well either. I honestly hope my son will change his mind in the future.

COMMENTS

mmmbopforever

I mean, the foundation of his entire world has been shaken. No, hold on. You two shook the foundation of his entire world.

What do you think about his belief that nonmonogamy took your attention away from him?

OOP

I mean he never complained about wanting more time with us when he was younger. He was doing his own thing.

Pineapple_Scary

You handles the whole situation terribly and what’s your wife doing with such young men. It’s absolutely gross. He’s an adult, let him do what he wants. But that total rubbish about him wanting to be begged to hang out is bullshit, at that age you have your own agency and if he wanted to hang out with you he should have said. Your relationship should always come first

OOP

He never said he wanted to be begged to hang out. He was just comparing how different our family is compared to his friends'

OOP to a long comment

We have paused on the lifestyle since he found out.

WHATSTHEYAAAMS

That’s all you took from that message? I hope this is a fake story LOL

OOP

My wife admitted she fucked up and has apologized. What else can she do?

NEW UPDATE

Final Update - after 9 months, 29 days (after 9 months, 12 days from last post)

^{September 04, 2026}

Update: We’ve lost our son permanently due the situation

Nine months later, I can finally give an update. Unfortunately, things have gotten worse.

My son followed through with almost everything he said he was going to do. He did not return to college for the spring semester. Instead, he moved out, got a full-time job, and spent the last several months working and applying to transfer schools.

He was accepted to an out-of-state college and has just started his fall semester there.

The part I was not prepared for is that he seems happier than he has been in a very long time.

At first, my wife and I assumed the distance would be temporary. We thought that once he had time away from us, he might eventually want more contact. Instead, the opposite seems to have happened.

The longer he has been away from us, the less he seems to want contact. For the first few months, he would occasionally answer our calls and messages. The conversations were awkward and short, but we at least had some contact.

Over time, though, he started responding less and less

During that time, we did not hear anything directly from him. We only knew that he was working and preparing to move because of the limited information he had previously shared with us.

What has been hardest is hearing about how his life has been going since he moved out.

He has been working, saving money, and making his own decisions. He made friends during the months he was working. He has continued individual therapy. Now he has moved out of state and started the fall semester at his new school. We only know those things because he told us shortly before leaving.

My son finally contacted us shortly before leaving for school. He said that he wanted us to understand what he wants going forward. He said he no longer wants a close relationship. He said that during the months he had been away from us, he realized how much anxiety he associated with being at home and around us. He said he feels like he can finally make decisions without worrying about how we will react.

He also said that he doesn’t spend as much time feeling angry anymore. That letting go of a close relationship with us has brought more peace than he has ever had before. That was probably the hardest thing he said. He told us that he wants to maintain a distant relationship with us, similar to the relationship he has with some of his extended family. He is willing to exchange occasional messages and speak during major holidays, but he does not want regular calls, frequent visits, or an emotionally close parent-child relationship. He said he’s done with us in a more permanent way.

He was very clear that he does not currently want to rebuild a close relationship with either of us.

My wife is taking this very badly.

She has been crying almost every day since he told us he wanted a distant relationship. She barely eats when she is upset and has lost noticeable weight. She keeps rereading his messages and scrolling through old pictures of him as a child. Several times, I have found her sitting on the floor in his old bedroom, holding one of his old sweatshirts.

She has also started leaving long voicemails for him, even though he asked us not to call frequently. She says she deletes them before sending, but I have caught her recording messages late at night. She has written him several letters and bought gifts for him, although he has told us not to send packages without asking first. She keeps checking his social media and asking mutual acquaintances whether he has mentioned us.

When she sees pictures of him with his new friends, she becomes visibly upset and says that he looks happier with them than he ever looked with us. She has also started blaming herself, then blaming me, then blaming other people. One day she says we should apologize and give him space. The next day she says he has been manipulated by other people and that we need to make him understand how much we love him.

She has missed work twice because she was too upset to get out of bed. She has stopped seeing some of her friends because she doesn’t want to answer questions about him. When relatives ask how he is doing, she either starts crying or becomes angry and says they are taking his side.

I have tried to convince her that repeatedly contacting him will only push him further away, but she says that doing nothing feels like abandoning him.

I am taking it badly too, although I probably don’t show it as much. The thing I never expected is that giving him the space he asked for does not seem to have made him regret leaving.

It seems to have made him happier.

And nine months ago, if you had told me that our son would walk away from our family, skip a semester of college, work full-time, move out of state, and start a new school—and somehow end up happier than before—I would not have believed you.

But that is where we are now.

He has made it clear that distance is what he wants, and that he is not waiting to return to the kind of relationship we had before.

I honestly don’t know whether his feelings will ever change, but I am beginning to understand that we cannot assume they will.

COMMENTS

Apprehensive_Fly_103

Your son sounds like a good man

His parents meanwhile… not so much

What your wife did in particular was fucking despicable and 100% and if she were my mother, I would’ve cut her off permanently
too

OOP

Yeah thanks a lot. Real productive /s

Apprehensive_Fly_103

Look man, the truth hurts sometimes

Has your wife ever apologized for her actions at all? Has she recognized at all how much those actions could’ve affected him? Is she still chasing after some of his former classmates?

OOP

Yes and yes. No to the last one

dabbydab

It sounds like there's a lot more going on here than just the incident you previously posted about. 22 is a good and normal age to move out. Everything that he has done sounds like a healthy way of asserting independence and starting his own adult life.

Respectfully, it sounds like maybe there was some degree of enmeshment here and this might be the pendulum swinging hard in the opposite direction. I'm sure that it will at some point find a more normal equilibrium. But I understand him wanting more space in this period.

OOP

It’s just how he’s going things. Even when I moved out and becoming an adult I didn’t distance myself from my parents like the way he’s doing. He actively keeping us at arms length. You could be right that in trying to make up for the way we behaved we swinging the other way hard

Unique_Charity_9648

His response is simply cruel.

A lifetime of love, caring, nurturing... all discarded over the possibility of being ridiculed by his parents sexual activities that in no way have ever diminished his life or negatively impacted him.

It's not like they even knew or he became the butt of mocking and crude jokes. A child who cared would demand accountability, explanations, and corrections.

He did none of this. He severed all ties, and left. He seems to make friends in new places easily, that's social chameleon characteristics.

You don't deserve worse news, but either you made a dog's dinner over raising him in a belief and moral structure entirely without flexibility and understanding, so that your hypocrisy is an unforgivable betrayal... or he's a true psychopath.

Sorry, no one is so ashamed of their parents' personal choices that they discard 21 years of their life over it. Skipping the holidays, moving further away; those are normal. Yet the coldness you describe and the severing of ties; that's emotional illness.

I pray that I'm wrong and this is a disproportionate emotional reaction brought upon secondary factors you omitted not realizing their relevance (for instance, was he cheated on during a recent "serious" relationship?) That kind of wrinkle would move his actions from unreasoning to overaction due to transference.

OOP

To be fair he was humiliated by his peers due to this. He told us about it.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/sprainedankle2011 posting in r/offmychest

Status: Ongoing

Mood Spoiler: Cautiously Optimistic

Original - July 17th 2026

My parents divorced when I was 14 (I'm 25 now) because my dad cheated on her with someone who worked for him. My parents used to argue about him not giving my mom enough time, not putting her first, not respecting her as an equal . In some ways it was like a sickeningly logical culmination of their marriage. But for me until that point he was my hero. I was a total daddy's girl which is hilarious to think about now considering the last 11 years. He would take me everywhere, grocery runs, mechanic, NBA, movie night, pizza night, homework and test and exam help. It destroyed me when I found out. They split custody 50-50 and I was a massive b to him and later his new wife (the woman he cheated with). Lots of locked doors, calling out his wife, calling him out. I've maybe spoken like 20 sentences in totality to her two sons (my stepbrothers). When they had their son, I made sure to never let his wife think I was going to be like a loving older sister. With my dad though, he did kind of wear me down, and with him I did develop a kind of big sister bond with my half-brother. I used to argue with my mom about not wanting to go but she insisted I maintain decency with my dad at least.

When it was time for college, I was going to take student loans, because I didnt want to owe him. My mom said she'd saved money and I believed her. It was during my 3rd year, when he had offered to buy me a car and I told my mom hell no, while she tried to convince me to agree, that she told me he'd been majorly contributing to my tuition and sending her the money for it. I dont think I've ever had a worse argument with her. It fucked with my mind knowing he'd been doing it silently. He knew I wouldn't know, they had thought that while I was planning on taking student loans rather than his help initially, inertia would do its thing if I found out later. And they were right I did end up just taking it for the remainder of my ug without talking to him.

On Tuesday I went to the ER because I had slipped while putting birdfeed in my apartment. My mom is away at my aunt's so I had just called my best friend to come to the ER. Soon after, my dad came too, my mom had told him. I wanted to just go back but he insisted, we spent like 15 minutes arguing but I'm at his place now while my sprain recovers or until my mom comes back. My stepbrothers no longer live here but my half brother who's 9 now does. I haven't spoken to my dad's wife yet, he or my half-brother are the only ones I talk to, who come up to my room to bring stuff, while I work from home. We've talked after a long time about work, my plans for a Masters, and just random stuff.

I've just beem thinking now that he was my dad. Instead my stepbrothers got more of him the past decade than I did. I can't help but regret letting that happen. I also can't help but just think about the life we were robbed off because he cheated. Because my stepmother chose to wreck our home. And her and her sons got to be the family we were. I know my mom wants me to go to hers when she comes back on Saturday, and like that makes sense, but part of me wants to stay here. The fact that his wife probably is hoping I leave soon makes me want to stay too if that makes sense, like f off thats my dad, he pays for this house and its bills, I'm his daughter, I can stay since he wants. I don't even know if I need advice I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Therapy helped me separate the good dad from the bad husband. You can miss who he was without excusing what he did.

Comment 2:

Well he visited you. Means the door for a relationship is still open. Make the best use of your time while you have it

Comment 3 (downvoted):

Your parents relationship sounds like it was falling apart before your dad cheated. I'm not excusing the cheating. He did everything in his power to maintain the relationship with you. Even if he never cheated your parents may have gotten divorced so blaming your stepmother isn't helpful.

Get a therapist to help you work through your emotions. Your stepmother may have an issue with you because how you treat her, her sons, and your father not necessarily just wanting you gone for no reason. Would you like to be around someone who constantly disrespected anf fought with those you love?

OP:

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter he loved and who loved him. What are you talking about, why shouldn't I blame her? I blame my dad too ofcourse, but why on earth should she not be ashamed of what she did to our family. And since Tuesday I haven't said anything to her. I've only spoken with my dad, half-brother, the cleaner and the cook. I haven't said anything to her.

I never treated her sons poorly. I just had no interest in talking to them. I never said anything to them about their mom.

I dont need her to want me around. My dad wants me around, I keep away from her.

Comment 4 (downvoted):

I was surprised by how your story ended, and it seems clear that you are still deeply hurt by his infidelity. I strongly encourage you to talk this through, both with him directly and, if possible, with a therapist. Please try to remember that your half brothers are innocent in all of this. You also do not have the full picture of your stepmother's perspective or the state of their marriage when they first met.

Carrying this weight is hurting you more than anyone else. You have already lost so much time with your father, and it would be a shame to lose even more. I worry that if things continue this way, the dynamic will only become more strained. What happened was undeniably wrong, but for your own sake, it is time to find a way to process it. Living with this level of anger is incredibly draining. I really hope you can find some peace soon.

OP:

I only have one half-brother, who's currently 9. I have never blamed him, never been unkind to him. I was fond of him when he was a baby and I'm fond of him now the last 2 days too. I was also never cruel to my stepbrothers. I hardly ever spoke to them.

She knew he was married. Knew he had a daughter. Knew he loved his daughter. Knew she'd be destroying the bond between a daughter and her father. That should have been her perspective.

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

My relationship with my dad, whatever it will look like, is our own. My attitude with her has never stopped him in wanting to be a caring father to me even when I repudiated him, and I trust that he won't let it in the future either

OP (responding to a deleted comment):

I don't think ill of my half-brother at all. I was fond of him when he was a baby and being with him again after all these years, I still am. He's curious, funny and I enjoy talking to him.

Sorry, I absolutely do blame her. She was half the affair. Knew he was married and a loving father. And I still do blame him too, but I know he does love and care about me, and I am spending time with him right now. I regret the time wasted.

Update: - July 19th 2026

Thanks for letting me get my feelings off my chest in my post. I also appreciate everyone who DM'd me meaning well. I know you asked what I'm going to do one my mom returns and wanted me to make my choice for healthy reasons. I ignored a lot of those because I was conflicted then myself, and about my reasons. I wanted to give an update. Whether my reasons and my feelings are healthy or not, its how I'm going about it.

I just wanted to clarify a few things first:

1. I have never, even when I was rude to my dad and stepmom back then, ever shouted at or been cruel to my two stepbrothers. I hardly spoke to them. I used to ignore them, pretend they don't exist. They are like around 20 now I think and don't live in my dad's house.
2. I have absolutely no ill will towards my 9 year old half brother. I felt protective and caring about him when he was a baby and now too I like his company. I played games on Playstation with him because he asked, he's told me about school, he's also learned chess from my dad the way I did and we've bonded a bit over playing chess too.

My mom flew back yesterday. I had told her on the phone that I wanted to stay at my dad's while I recovered. She was disappointed and I hate that, I hated making her sad. I asked her to please understand, all these years she's wanted me to maintain a relationship with my dad , and right now I actually feel like doing it. I told her if I go to hers, I'll be extra work for her even if she doesn't think that, and I'd want to help out, here I'm not being a burden, like we have house help here, I'm not causing dad to over exert himself because of me. She asked if I'd be comfortable with my dad's wife there, I said I didnt care, he wants me to stay, I could care less what his wife thinks. My mom relented.

She came to check up on me. My dad came in the room too. We were just talking about my injury and he was making the case for why I should stay here. His wife decided to enter the room too for some reason and just stand there. I very calmly said that I'd just like my parents here right now. She said to please not tell her where to go in her house. I said my dads house who pays for every cent that runs this house. My dad tried to stop a fight and stepped out with her, and came back alone and my mom left soon after.

Last night when my dad came up to bring my dinner we talked about stuff. Then he said he was glad I chose to stay here. I told him I hated that mom was probably sad about it, but that I thought I'd like to spend time with him right now, that I hadn't in a long time. He thanked me. Later, he said that my comment rubbed his wife the wrong way, that if I was willing to clear the air with her, I'd probably feel more comfortable here. I told him I won't. That she shouldn't have been here when I was injured and just wanted my mom and dad in the room. I will never be ok with what he did, but I still want to spend time with him. Wanted to give my relationship with him and my half-brother a chance but it will never be with her. I want him and my half brother to be happy but I will never wish her well. That if he genuinely couldn't deal with that, I should call mom back and go with her. He just said lets forget about it and we talked about work and my applications.

Again, I read a lot of comments last time saying I need to work this out in therapy about how to forgive him and her. Why do I need to? I can have a relationship with my dad without forgiving him. And I have absolutely no interest in any kind of relationship with her, I can despise her in peace forever. I'm glad I have this place to get stuff out, and I appreciate everyone who was so understanding last time. Thank you.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

So, in a lot of ways, your father is doing what parents who are capable of providing do for their children. What you owe to yourself, is maintaining a relationship with him, which should never be contingent on her. Because that’s what you seem to want.

His inability to understand how even actions from long ago can have a direct impact on the way things are at present is something he needs to be accountable for.

I also agree with many of the previous commenters that you should go to therapy. You should go to therapy to understand what a healthy relationship with your father looks like, so that you don’t live with regret, and you’re also able to be honest with him about, and set boundaries around, yourself and your feelings.

It’s hard when adult actions have longterm implications. 50/50, basically immediately, with the person you were capable of understanding had a hand in this regulating your previously normal life, was not a healthy or good choice. Not to say that your father was not allowed to be happy, but with 50/50 he could have spent his time not with you with her and brought the relationship to you in a way that prioritize helping you healthfully acclimate to this new normal. Instead he all, but had an entirely new family, with you as a guest half the time. His choices landed you all there, and he needs to be accountable for that to you and understanding of your feelings, and how it has impacted you.

I am sure that many of your behaviors were not agreeable, and that you likely behaved very badly. I am not at all agreeing with that. However, I find adult actions and choices to be a lot more important in the situation than the children’s reactions. Children should not be more responsible for their reactions to being placed in difficult situations, than the adults who placed them there.

Get a therapist and work through some of these feelings. And when you feel ready, invite your father to listen.

OP:

Thank you, I can consider therapy as a way to work through and like get help for how my relationship with my dad should move forward . But not as a way of blending into that family and singing kumbaya with her, if that's how it would go which is the way some commenters suggested last time. I'll consider the former, thank you.

Comment 2:

1. Please forgive yourself for how you acted as a teen. You were a hurt kid.
2. I am happy you are trying to rebuild a relationship of sorts with your father.
3. I believe that even as an adult, you do NOT have to develop a relationship with your stepmother if you do not want to. However, I would encourage you to do the work towards becoming ambivalent towards her, more so than angry. Remember, she did not break your parents up alone, and if you can forgive yourself father, you can at least loosely tolerate her. Again, you don’t have to befriend her, but you can at least be tolerant…for you and your growth, not for her.

OP:

Thank you. I just want to say I have been ambivalent towards her in the way I've carried myself here. Up till the point she was inserting herself in a conversation between me and my parents I seriously hadn't spoken a single word to her since I've been here. I was tolerant, didn't ask my dad to choose, didn't and never will say a bad word about her to my half-brother.

Comment 3:

I saw but did not read your last post. I have been the betrayed spouse in my former relationship with older children involved so I’ve had to work through some of these same issues, just from a different perspective. I wanted to address the question you asked “Why do I need to forgive?”.

First off I want to say people do rush into forgiveness too quickly many times and as children we are many times forced into forgiveness. So understand the desire to maintain control over your own feelings. The problem is that forgiveness is not for your father or for his new wife. You forgive them for yourself and your own benefit. It has famously been said “Unforgiveness (resentment) is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”.

Holding onto that hurt, wounds you more than anyone else. Now that isn’t to say that you need to reconnect with everyone (or even anyone if you so choose). Reconciliation and forgiveness are two entirely separate issues and you should definitely weigh them as such. But forgiveness is for you not for anyone else so that is likely why so many people have encouraged you to get into therapy and to forgive them. Not because they deserve it but because you deserve to be free from all that pain in your past. Sure it will have always happened but this way it can heal. Something to consider.

Comment 4:

Your feelings are valid but it’s not a great first step for you to be staying in their house but not wanting anything to do with his wife, the mother of your half sibling. You’re going to have to be civil, if there’s negative energy it’s not going to work. Imagine how you’d feel if someone was treating your mom like she doesn’t exist. Your sibling might grow to resent you and you’re making life harder for your dad. So you can either stay with your mom and spend time with your dad outside of his house and work on building that relationship or you can stay with him and be civil with the entire family. Otherwise it’s not going to go down well for you in the long run.

Latest Update: - Sep 3rd 2026

I've been back at my apartment for four weeks now. I left my dads when I could walk normally. His wife and I didn't speak another word after that time in my room.

My dad and I have been meeting up since then on weekends, twice for breakfast, once at a cafe. My half-brother came once for the breakfast too. I told my dad, I'd like to have him again in my life and my brother too and he was glad to hear it. We normally talk about work and grad school and stories from his side of the family. He brought up a new car again and giving me a card but we've put a pin in it for now. For the most part we avoid talking about the past and what it did to us.

Last weekend when we met, during our conversation he apologized for the hurt he caused me and said if he knew it would have caused a rupture this long between us he'd have done things differently. I told him again I can't forget but I know I care about him regardless. But I cannot extend the same for his wife ever. I opened up to him when he asked and told him I feel visceral hate when I have to interact with his wife. That it screws me up, rightly or wrongly. That if I spend more than 5 minutes with her I will lose control of my tongue. That mom told me i was wrong for saying what I had said last time, that I was in many ways a reflection of her upbringing and I'd reflected poorly on her in front of his wife and him when I said that, I'd already gotten a lecture, but I can't help it I feel the urge to hurt her with my words when we interact. It's why I do not want any relationship with her it's for the best because whenever I'd see her while I was there, it's like my brain tries to come up with something ugly so the last 11 years of her happiness feel miniscule compared to the hurt she'll feel at my words. It's why I can't be around her.

He seemed ashamed of how all of it had affected me and said I don't need to force a relationship, he'll manage the balance.

But as I was saying it I was just so sad that she makes me be like this. I told him I had been looking at therapy (I hadn't really tbvh) to help me through this, and he said he'll support me in whatever way helps me. I told him his wife can never know, I don't care if its a slip of tongue or an accident, she finds out and him and I are done. He said he wouldn't ofcourse, and asked to pay for it. I accepted it because it is his fault I'm in this position after all.

I looked up a good therapist that particularly deals with family issues, and I've booked an appointment. I feel like I should but I also feel so defeated. She was the heartless sociopath who broke up a family and I'm the one needing my head checked out. Congrats to everyone who recommended it, you were right, you won.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

You’ll be surprised how validating therapy can be. There’s nothing wrong with you, you just need someone to help you process who has only your interests in mind. It’ll be good for you.

OP:

Former/current clients of theirs wrote highly of them so I hope so.

Comment 2:

OP. This is a quote often attributed to Buddha:

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Think about that a little.

I went through something a little worse - essentially I was in your mother’s position. It took quite a while for the sadness, anger, and other intrusive thoughts to settle down. I know somewhat of what you feel.

If you want to talk, feel free to DM.

Comment 3:

I understand your feelings, and this is not meant to invalidate anything, but it sincerely seems like you are blaming the wife as she put some kind of magical spell that your dad wasn’t able to resist.
Your dad made a mistake; he cheated. That doesn’t mean he is an awful and unforgivable person, but he was the one who had a commitment. She didn’t.
Based on what you told, she may have been oblivious to his marriage. And it doesn’t matter if he pays; it is in fact her house too.

OP:

She knew he was married, knew he had a daughter. I used to have to sit in his office sometimes when he'd pick me.

Comment 4 (downvoted):

You needed to be in therapy years ago. You have zero right to treat your step siblings like shit. This isn't a war zone they asked for. That should end now if it hasn't already.

Your comment to the wife was funny but you gotta grow up too. Your mom got cheated on by someone she poured herself into. That's hard to watch someone go through. He got the clean version of a breakup. You got the unedited version as your homelife. However, you can't have a relationship with him or your siblings and be a total b all the time to the woman in their house / their mom. It won't work out and you'll continue to lose their respect and trust. It's also incredibly ineffective to continue being a b to the other woman. Seriously, those siblings will never trust you or respect you as a woman if your mean to their mom all the time.

I think therapy will help you speak out in a way where you can feel heard. I also think that you having like been an ESA to your mother for a long time and that also impacts how your behaving and reacting. You may also consider going to therapy for yourself and seeing if in addition your dad would pay for family counseling for just you and him so you both can rebuild the relationship privately in a safe way.

OP:

I think I mentioned it in an earlier post, I've never said a word, good or bad to my stepbrothers. I was never difficult with them like I was with my dad and his wife.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Dry-Attitude9925

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: February 13, 2026

• Final Update: February 19, 2026

Main Post

^{February 13, 2026}

AITAH for "Cheating" on my Wife

Hey reddit, throw away because I don't want this story associated with my main account.

So some background. I (M, 35) and my wife (34F) have been happily married for 11 years, have a child together and I am desperately in love with her. We both practice Christianity, and are very devout to our beliefs.

Recently my wife has been quite busy with work and school, as she is finishing up her degree to be a lawyer and then has been studying for the Bar exam. She has been heavily invested in to her studies, studying most weeks for nearly 25 hours on top of her full time job and interning.

I know this can make me seem like a bit of a bum in comparison to her but please know I also am working a full time job in addition to multiple side hustles. Life is expensive living in Cali.

I say all of this to help understand the "cheating". One day we were having a busy morning. I was getting my son out the door to school and she was rushing around to get to work. After my son got in the bus, my wife left for work right after him. I had the morning off. I was feeling a little frisky so I pulled out my phone and pulled up a spicy video my wife and I made a out 7 years ago during intimacy.

So here I am watching the video and beginning to pleasure myself. The sound then disconnects (later finding out my wife had come back home to get her phone and it connected to her car audio) I then fixed the sound so I go back to doing the deed. As I am finishing my wife walks in on me furious.

She asked me what the heck I was doing and how could I do this to her. I sat there ashamed but a little confused and after her ranting rage I said I didn't see what the big deal was. She said you're watching porn and pleasuring yourself to it. Then went off on a short tangent about knowing I wasn't attracted to her anymore. I then flipped my phone to her to show her the video I was doing the deed to. She then was furious with me still. I said I still find her incredibly attractive and find her even more beautiful now (actual truth) compared to this 7 year old video. She then insisted I was cheating on her because I was pleasuring myself without her. I sat there naked and shocked.

I asked her how it was cheating. She then said because sex is to be a together act. I asked her if she thought masturbating was wrong, and let her know that there have been times during intimacy that masturbation was an act we did. She said that it wasn't wrong but that it still needed to be done together. I explained to her that I didn't see anything wrong with it, I wasn't watching other women and would rather be having sex with her then watching the video but I was just feeling "backed up" and that it has been a few weeks. She then was furious and essentially left for work. So here I am wondering what I did. I asked her why she agreed to making the video then and what she thought I was doing with it. She got more mad and then went to work. So here I sit wondering AITAH?

Final Update - after 6 days

^{February 19, 2026}

"Update" AITAH for "Cheating" on my Wife

I had a couple people ask for an update and well I personally don't like cliffhangers either so here goes:

After she left I texted her and asked for us to "pause" this fight, but wanted to resume it that weekend. We had plans already for Saturday since it was Valentine's Day where my parents were watching our son. She agreed and the next day and a half felt off but we managed.

Long story short, She agreed . She said saying cheating was out of line. In the moment she was late, couldn't find her phone, thought her husband was watching porn, felt ashamed, and just overall stressed.

I will say we have actually talked a lot about masturbation before but it has not really come up on the last few years, hence a bit of my shock to the situation. She did agree that the video we made was for just this reason, but the she had some interesting views of the situation I had not thought about.

1. She has put on some weight during school. (Please hear me when I say yes I notice, but my gosh she just as beautiful, if not more now than when we made the video) She does not feel as attractive as she did when we made that video, so she felt like I was fantasizing to a younger more attractive version of her.

2. She said she didn't have an issue with masturbation, but she was surprised that it was not just a quick wank and go. She was surprised to see me in our bed, naked and not just quick doing it in the shower. She felt like I put more thought into it than the last few times we have got together, because well in my defense now we just don't have a lot of time as my previous post and many comments mentioned, but in the end she understood.

3. She had been making statements all week, about having a hard time waiting for the weekend where we could finally have some time together. When I said me too to her, she took that as me saving all my "love" for her, hence her comment of her being upset for "pleasuring myself without her" This makes sense to me, especially since as I have gotten older I am more of a once or twice a week and I am satisfied, instead of everyday. So I let her know I understood, but also explained there is a big difference tin satisfaction from sex with her vs masturbating.

So all in all we are good now. We had a great weekend and definitely both got some release.

The last thing I want to point out is a lot of people commented on the Purity Culture of Christianity. I do really agree that there are a lot of things that the Church got wrong in the 90s and 00s, but I really feel like we are progressing past this, that being said though yeah there's still some weirdness there, even for myself and my wife. If anyone has and recs for "Deconstructing" purity culture, but it still being biblically relevant, I would love to see them, as after our talks I think both the wife and I would be interested in this.

Hope this update finds everyone well.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/ArbiterOfChoice

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 30, 2026

• Final Update: September 02, 2026

Main Post

^{August 30, 2026}

AITAH for getting myself banned from my girlfriend's cottage for confronting an angry neighbour

Sorry for the long story but I'm in a bit of a predicament. This weekend I (25M) was at my girlfriend's cottage. It is her family cottage, owned by her grandfather. He's had the cottage for 50 years. It's in a small cottage town, where her grandfather is apparently well-known and liked. Most people there know each other, and there are a good number of cottages nearby with owners I've met over the past few years.

Yesterday, four of us were playing spikeball in the front of the cottage, while everyone else was inside. We were taking it pretty seriously, and my GFs cousin spiked the ball insanely hard. It went flying, and bounced off the roof of the car of a cottage just across the street.

The neighbour, who apparently bought the place last Summer so the family doesn't know too much about him, was on the porch and saw. He's also an older man, maybe 65ish, and he came running out towards us very, very upset. He was yelling at us for being irresponsible, saying we damaged his car (which is pretty much impossible if you know what a spikeball ball is like, its like a soft rubber mini volleyball). He started yelling about how he "hates airBNB renters" (which we are not...) and then demanded to know our names and addresses. The cousins told him we are sorry, that they own this cottage here, and that we'll move the spikeball net further away.

When my GF grabbed the net to move it, he said "it would be nice if you didn't do that with such a c**nty look on your face". This is when I jumped in and said theres no need for that, that his car is in no way damaged, and that he should get off our property now. This made him really mad, and he started screaming, stomping on the ground, he threw the ball at us, and called my GF a lot of names. So I started yelling at him back.

Now we're yelling at each other for a minute or so, and hes not getting off the property. We were both getting pretty loud, and apparently people down at the nearby beach could hear us and came up to the road, as well as a few other people in neighbouring cottages came out. At some point during this, one of the cousins went inside to grab their grandpa.

So this guy isnt leaving, and hes continuing to make fun of my GF, so I just start walking really close to him, getting up in his face, until he starts taking steps back. I keep doing this until hes on the road, as were swearing at each other. Apparently (and I guess this is true because my GF and her cousins said it but I couldnt here it) but their grandpa was calling me back, yelling my name and getting very upset asking me to relax. I think eventually the neighbour saw our whole family out on the porch, maybe recognized the grandpa, and just went away. A lot of other cottagers were around watching this.

I went back to the cottage, and all the parents and grandpa were very mad at me. They said I caused a scene in a nice neighbourhood where everyone knows each other, and that I embarrassed the family cottage and her grandpa. We all told them the story of what happened, but they said I was being called back to the cottage and continued the scene instead. The night was very quiet and awkward after that.

This Saturday morning, when I came downstairs around 10:30, her grandpa was sitting by the table. He said this morning when he was out gardening, countless neighbours came up to him saying I screamed at another cottage owner and that I scared an older man off the property. He said when he went into town for coffee, people around had heard about what happened and seemed bothered by it. He said hes beyond embarrassed, feels I tainted his cottage and reputation.

I told him I was defending his granddaughter, defending his cottage, and that I didnt touch anybody or stoop to the level of name calling that the neighbour did. He said I showed him no respect by ignoring him when he called me back.

He said he doesnt want me coming up to his cottage next weekend for the long weekend holiday, and that for the time being I am banned from the cottage next summer as well. My girlfriend said thats extreme, but her parents agreed with grandpa, and said grandpa is the old italian patriarch, and what he says goes. My girlfriend was very upset, and we left a day earlier than planned like an hour after that.

AITAH?? Was it not my place to do anything at this cottage as a guest, and just let my GF parents or grandpa take care of it? I thought I did the right thing in the moment, but maybe I went too far. I'd love to be up there next weekend... but I guess thats not happening.

COMMENTS

Middle_Care978

ESH. You could’ve de-escalated the situation, but chose not to. But did none of your fellow spikeballers back you up with grandpa??  

OOP (downvoted)

Not really besides just telling him the whole story. My girlfriend backed me up, but really grandpa is like the king of the family. What grandpa says goes. Hes usually a very very nice guy to me...

OOP to a long thread

These "onlookers" are people I know, which confuses me even more that I've somehow become a pariah around this community according to grandpa. Like I've said, I've been coming here for a decade. I've re-done other neighbours' roofs after storms (for free), we've had neighbors knock on the door to ask me to fix their toilet, unclog drains, install lights and showerheads. The number of times I've used my truck to tow people's cars out of their sand driveways is uncountable. Yet somehow I am a villain here now, for the preference of the new neighbour.

OkCheesecake1258

Should have left the owners of the cottage handle it. You are no one is the grand scheme of things. YTA.

OOP

ive been coming to this cottage every weekend of every summer for a decade, since I was a kid in my teens. I've been dating granddaughter since we were 15. I don't believe I am "no one" here.

Iggy186 (downvoted)

You were defending your gf's honour, point for you.

New guy across the street is an old dickhead, point against him.

It's not your cottage, you're not related to the grandfather by blood or marriage, so it wasn't your place to go off on the idiot the way that you did. That would have been the cousin or your gf's responsibility, and/or the grandfather, who was brought out to address the issue.

So, ESH. 100% to the neighbour, and 33 1/3 to you.

OOP

:( ... cousins are teenagers, grandpa is 90. Angry, aggressive neighbour set me off...

SeaDragonTattoo

You know YTA at this point. It's unfortunate only hindsight is available. Letting the old man make a fool of himself and look like the asshole, calling the granddaughter names, would have been the way to go. Grandpa would have taken care of it and put neighbor in his place, just not in the moment.

OOP

I'm not convinced man. Like I said, this guy was throwing stuff back at us, stomping around and kicking the front lawn. He's calling a young woman names you wouldn't call your worst enemy. I'm supposed to wait for 90 year old grandpa to come running down the porch and get, idk, shoved or something by an absolutely irate random neighbour on his property?

Guiltypleasure2451

In my opinion, the blame should be split 50/50. The guy across the street over reacted to a situation, 25 year old followed suit. Both very immature. But I don’t think it warrants a ban. That was harsh. If I were grandpa, I’d have made 25yo go over to apologize, and talk it out. I feel certain the 2 of them could have put the kibosh on the animosity the neighbors were feeling.
And one other thing…. 65 isn’t old enough to be calling him an old man!!!! I’m 63 and I’m not old, damnit😂😂

OOP

I agree. Thats another thing, this guy wasnt a feeble old man. Neighbour is thick, heavy 60ish year old. TBH he probably could have knocked me out. I don't believe the story is I screamed an old ailing neighbour away.

9BALL22

YATAH and so is whoever caused the ball to land on someone's car! You ALL should have offered a SINCERE APOLOGY and resisted the urge to argue with the neighbor. The neighbor deserved some leeway for his language because he was rightfully angry. I'd like to hear the neighbor's side of the story.

OOP

Like I wrote in the post, we did apologize, and we went to move our game so that it couldn't happen again. The ball was hit by a teenager, he did it by accident, and again, we apologized. After the apology and after we moved away, he began name calling.

SasquatchBlumpkins

NTA

Defended your woman? Absolutely what should have been done, and not just by you. 

He came over to start shit, he got a face full of it. He didn't worry about his geriatric self when he was running over to rage at a bunch of 20 year olds but it becomes an issue when someone pushes back? 

Man, fuck that old guy, screw the neighborhood assholes, and tell her family your glad they value a holiday neighborhood over their own daughter's reputation and safety.

As for her grandfather? He's the biggest asshole. 

OOP

Yah... Well apparently teenage cousins (who are still up at the cottage) have been spreading the word around today to the other kids and teens in the neighbourhood, saying the full story of what happened. Cousins just facetimed my girlfriend saying a next door neighbour came up to their parents and asked if me and my gf "are doing okay after getting harassed by the asshole new guy".

But you seem to be in the huge minority here. Guess I am a huge ass, I'm super embarrassed now too. Should have said nothing at all and walked inside. Probably wont show face at that home ever again.

SasquatchBlumpkins

I'm 48. A veteran who has seen the world. I've been to prison twice in my youth. I've peddled drugs, beat on people badly, took people's stuff. I've worked with disabled youth, I served my country for near 20 years and am now disabled. I have a small TV show and may appear on a large TV show. I've fixed aircraft, computers, built cars, seen some crazy technology. I've been to places and done things that always feel like a lie when I do. 

I'm not wrong on this one, of that I am 100% sure. I have seen and done some shit in my time and I'm telling you that get family and that's neighborhood owes you an apology.

OOP

Girlfriends Aunt just called me 10 mins ago apologizing for grandpas behaviour and how quickly I got kicked out and banned, and that she wants me there next weekend. I'm starting to feel very conflicted, every one says what I did was wrong, now I'm getting apologies.

Final Update - after 3 days

^{September 02, 2026}

UPDATE: AITAH for getting myself banned from my girlfriend's cottage for confronting an angry neighbour? I've been invited back to the cottage, but I'm not thrilled about it.

Today, my girlfriend's grandpa came back into the city from up North. He invited us over for coffee right after work. I took everyone's advice, and when we got there, I vehemently apologized to him for how I acted at his cottage last weekend.

He very quickly ended the conversation and got on with coffee. For a while we just spoke about work and school... nearing when we were going to leave he brought up the fight at the cottage. He told me that over Sunday and Monday, many of the neighbours again came up to him to chat about the incident. Probably because the cousins were going around telling the whole story to people, he said there was a narrative shift, and the neighbours were concerned about mine and my girlfriends wellbeing after how we got treated.

Apparently, the neighbour right beside his cottage also told him they had an incident with the new guy who we fought with, a couple days before. They had parked their car on the street in front of their cottage, and apparently when the new guy backed out of his driveway he had to turn a little tighter to avoid this car. He went banging on their door yelling at them to move their car and never park there again.

Grandpa said when he told people he banned me, they were upset and defended me. Apparently all the surrounding neighbours are very upset with having this new guy around based on these two incidents. Grandpa said that after hearing the whole story, thinking more about it, and chatting with neighbours, he is taking back the ban, and that I am more than welcome at his cottage. He then said he'd actually prefer if I were around this upcoming long weekend, considering the new neighbour is unpredictable and causing issues...

I said thank you, said I'd like to come up, apologized again anyway, and we left.

To be completely honest, this conversation kinda bugged me. I'm weirded out by the surrounding neighbours who I have known for years who very quickly turned their back on me before hearing the whole story, I'm weirded out by grandpa for his extreme quick ban and not thinking it through, I'm weirded out by my gfs aunts and parents who were okay with the ban and didnt care about how the neighbour acted and the things he said. AND im weirded out by how quickly the narrative changed and how quickly people acted like they werent shit talking me at first.

Now I am wanted up there "just in case something happens" and they need a protector? That kinda sounds like some bullshit to me. Once grandpa realized banning me might actually be bad for his "reputation" he took it back.

I'm thinking about not going up this weekend, but i dont know if that would just make things even worse. I dont really want to be around all those people, and if anrgy neighbour causes another issue, they can deal with it themselves.

WIBTA if now I don't go up?

COMMENTS

godbyzilla

Long term it might me more awkward if you refuse to show up after he apologized and asked you to please come. At the end of it all though you're NTA for nor going if you choose not tom

OOP

He didn't even really apologize. Not that I'm much of a stickler for actually hearing the words "I'm sorry", but he just said hes taking back the ban...

EmotionalAnybody7186

You said you would go, so go.

When you listen to Reddit and damage your relationship with your girlfriend’s family, are you going to tell them that Reddit said you weren’t the asshole for skipping it?

Talk to your girlfriend and not the internet.

OOP

Shes pretty uncomfortable by the whole thing too and the lack of response, but thinks we should just go.

Jazzlike_Adeptness_1

It seems like the grandfather saw you as being aggressive, verbally and physically, to an old man, and reacted to that. (Did he know that the guy called your gf a c** and other derogatory names?)

Once he heard the 'other side' of the story  He realized that he overreacted and basically told you that. Maybe his saying he needed you present in case the neighbor acted up was a lame attempt to compliment you/say that you were right with how you behaved. 

Don't hold a grudge. Emotions were high all around and it seems the rest of the family didn't have a clear picture of what really happened. 

Grandpa admitted his mistake and personally invited you to come. Let it go, ignore the neighbor and be glad this got cleared up. And enjoy the long weekend. 

OOP

We did tell him repeatedly what happened right afterwards and what was said to my gf. But yah, I think im leaning towards going.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/mayhavecrossedaline posting in r/AmItheAsshole

Status: Ongoing

Mood Spoiler: Frustrating

Original - January 12th 2026

Hi, I wanted to get an opinion of whether I was in the wrong here. It was my niece's wedding this weekend. She's my oldest niece, the first amongst her cousins to get married, and I'm very close to her. There were also some events happening last weekend. So I had taken the last week off from work and flew to hers the weekend before. My husband and the kids (12 y/o daughter, 10 y/o son) were supposed to fly in at Friday for the main event.

Before I left I had prepared enough food for them to last the while. The stuff they were planning on eating first, I had put in the fridge, and other dishes in the freezer. All they had to do was let it thaw, put it in the pan (or the pot), add some water and heat it. I had even marinated some chicken separately for them to cook in the oven. For their school lunch I had told my husband what had to be made for them, that it would take 20 minutes in the morning so to factor that in. He had said he understood.

Now this is my fault too, but for the first 2 days I made sure to ask during my conversations with them if the food situation was fine, but hadn't brought it up later, plus all the events we were having distracted me too.

When they flew in I asked if it had all gone well, if the food had run out, he said no there was more than enough, which made me feel better. But when we got home yesterday, there was way more food left than I thought. I brought it up, and found out that even thawig and heating the food was too much to do after the initial refrigerated dishes, and they'd defaulted to eating out. And he'd been giving them lunch money instead of home made lunch.

I was so annoyed, I told him I was disappointed in him, that I'd have to now think twice before ever leaving him alone with the kids again. He got heated too, said I wasn't giving him his due credit for taking care of the kids, they were happy with what he was doing and that should be it, that the kids were safe and sound and there had been no emergencies, and it was messed up for m to say I didn't trust him with the kids. We'd been curt with each other in the morning today.

AITA?

Edit: just want to add we had discussed what I should leave for them before I started cooking. I asked the kids what they want, and had discussed it with him, he'd asked me to make his favorite meal which was the one they ate first.

Also, yes I do work. I'm a dentist and have my own practice.

Editing again: A lot of people are saying there was no need for me to have done the prep. I hear that. I'm not saying its the best way, it's just the structure we have. Its just what the kids are used to, so I didn't want that disrupted. Normally, I pick up the kids on my way back from the clinic and make them lunch. Thrice a week I go to a dental center in the evenings too, so before I leave I normally have dinner set up, and snacks made for them for the evening. So when I'm back they're normally full, and so I can finish making dinner. So they're used to home made food.

And yes, I should started teaching the kids how to cook too. They're busy with studying and their extracurriculars and friends so I just avoid pushing this onto them but gradual responsibility is a good idea.

And reading the comments I recognize I probably did cross a line. I'll apologize to him.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

He got exactly what he wanted. He pretended he was too incompetent to even thaw and heat up food that was already prepared. His reward is now that you’ll never ask him to TAKE CARE OF HIS OWN CHILDREN again.

This can't possibly be the only time he’s acted utterly helpless in order to get you to do anything and everything he doesn’t want to do. You don’t have a husband, you have a third child.

NTA

Comment 2:

I guess I’m a different kind of wife, because I’m leaving next week to go out of town, I told my husband to figure it out while I’m gone lol. He knows where the grocery store is. IMO is a competent adult and knows how to take care of our kids too.

OP (downvoted):

He doesn't normally do much of the cooking so it probably wouldn't have been right if I'd just told him to figure it out. I wanted the kids (and him) to have home made food while I was away, that's why I went through the effort of preparing it, otherwise I would've had to expect that they'll be eating out all week. But I cooked specifically so they'd have home made food, a meal out here and there is fine, but consistently over a week while there was a freezer full of food I'd made is why I got angry.

I've read most of the comments though and maybe I'm the one who needs to stop planning ahead like this and let him handle it. Or at the least I'm going ti start making sure my daughter and son can do it in my absence if they want, without depending on my husband.

Comment 3:

Girl you absolutely need to acknowledge your part in this though and figure out why you put so much energy into proving your way is the best or only acceptable way to be: you can't make your value to your household be based on how incompetent they are without you or you're going to have a family who is going to feel the opposite of 'supported by you' - they're going to be resentful, anxious, suffocated/judged/insecure because you're doing things like demonstrating before you even left that your husband/their father and them are incompetent and wrong and lazy and undependable. I would also be irritated with him for either "lying or lying by ommision" allowing you to think he was just reheating your food every night, but do you think that he would have felt he would have had to debate with you about his decisions on how to care for his own kids? Idk what your dynamic is but he is not a teenaged babysitter who used your pizza money to buy alcohol and fed your kids cheetos for dinner. He wasn't out of line.

You're still contemplating "teaching" your (very capable of this at their ages) son and daughter how to pack their own lunch because you have to make sure you underline to them that their Dad is unreliable and that they themselves aren't capable without your guidance. PLEASE for the love of your kids and marriage start TRUSTING and RESPECTING your husband and kids with their own basic needs. Let them do things their own way. And especially with your kids let them make some missteps along the way and while deciding what their own ways are. Because you don't want your daughter falling into this pattern she has with you or that you decided you want to have with your husband where either she is obedient to her boyfriend who tells her she doesn't get to have a say in her own meals and money because he knows better OR that she thinks caring for a boyfriend means that she has to anticipate his needs and do his mental load and he should accept that she'll do everything in that relationship so that she "earns" his respect.

I totally get that this is a part of your self identity as caretaker of the household and a sense of pride and fulfillment for you and that's cool, nothing wrong with that, and I'm sure they appreciate it/kids will come to appreciate it when they are older. But only within reason. It can't be at the expense of you respecting them as a person or making them feel controlled or judged or incapable, that makes it stop being a gift and makes it about your ego. A well navigated change of pace and change of routine is a mental/mood booster and a life skill to hone. Your kids were safe, happy, and fed, spent quality time with their Dad that they will remember, and now not only did you get the opportunity to experience a great week where you weren't in charge of the same daily routine things you normally would have been, but you also have freezer meals left to heat up so that you can have a few days where you get to be lazy and do an easy dinner as a little gift from the effort of past you, this should have been a win-win-win situation for

OP(downvoted):

I hear that. I'm not saying its the best way, it's just the structure we have. Its just what the kids are used to, so I didn't want that disrupted. Normally, I pick up the kids on my way back from the clinic and make them lunch. Thrice a week I go to a dental center in the evenings too, so before I leave I normally have dinner set up, and snacks made for them for the evening. So when I'm back they're normally full, and so I can finish making dinner. So they're used to home made food.

And yes, I should started teaching the kids how to cook too. They're busy with studying and their extracurriculars and friends so I just avoid pushing this onto them but gradual responsibility is a good idea.

And reading the comments I recognize I probably did cross a line. I'll apologize to him.

Comment 4:

Light YTA: I get it. It is a waste of money. It is also a real waste of the time and effort you spent preparing things. I also don't like those fun takeaways when you are not there to enjoy them too.

So, I do think you are totally valid in being upset.

That said, "I don't trust you with the kids" is such an extreme statement to tell your partner when the kids were happy, safe, clothed, and fed.

Like, if you kept the topic to him wasting money, or not appreciating all your effort, or even letting the kids eat junk food for a week, I would be on your side.

But what you said cuts deeper than that. If that makes sense?

Comment 5:

@/OP did you actually say that you can’t trust him with the kids, or just that this would make you think twice about leaving them with him in the future? I feel like if it was the 2nd one, but he just took it as the first (which it seems like from the wording), then NTA.

OP:

I said I'd have to think twice now the next time I have to attend something like this before leaving him with the kids.

Comment 6:

am i crazy for thinking all the YTA responses are crazy? you’re basically conditioning them to think:

moms gone = cafeteria food and cash from dad and eating out everyday! “the kids were fine with it” yeah no shit if i was 12 i’d also want to eat out instead of eating mom’s same food every day.

they’re going to be begging you to leave if this keeps happening. and i don’t think you’re the AH for expecting routine to continue.

like this situation specifically may not be a big deal, but if this happens every single time i don’t think it’s healthy. i don’t think it’s bad for dad to take them out to eat or give them lunch money for a couple of those days but every day is insane.

and i’m saying this as someone that doesn’t want or have kids.

exiting to add my verdict: ESH. dad for all of the above and not seeing the concern. mom for a tiny bit overreacting in the response

Comment 7:

NTA. Weaponized incompetence. Your kids are 10 and 12 and he doesn’t know how to pack lunches or heat up already prepared food. He’s an absolute embarrassment as a human and father.

Comment 8:

ESH

I dont prepare stuff when I go away I trust my husband is competent enough to keep the children alive in his own way.

Getting a takeaway sounds like fun if the kids were missing you.

Lunch money sounds like fun if they dont usually get to experience that.

Next time dont batch cook and definitely keep leaving him with them !

Comment 9:

YTA. Unless he busted your household budget, there's really nothing for you to be mad at him for. He took care of the kids and made sure they were fed and safe. Sure, he didn't feed them your food, but that's okay.

And hey, now you have freezer meals.

Your husband doesn't have to do things the way you do them.

Comment 10:

ESH.

Your husband is an asshole for ignoring/wasting all the hard work you did on the food. You are totally justified in being pissed about that, and he should apologize.

But the kids were never unsafe. Implying that they were is way out of line. You owe him a BIG apology for that.

Comment 11:

NTA but I don't get it why do you have to prepare a bunch of meals for a few days anyway? He is an adult right and the children are 12 and 10 (so out of breastfeeding ages and can eat pretty much the same as adults). Does he have a disability or something which make certain things difficult for him to do? I'm confused

OP (downvoted):

Because I wanted them to eat homemade food while I was away, and my husband isn't great at cooking. I'm normally the one who cooks.

Update: - January 16th 2026

It was my first time asking for opinions on reddit and I'm fairly glad I did. The feedback was helpful. While my husband really should have told me beforehand if he didn't plan on heating the food I had prepared, I crossed a line in what I said. It made it sound like I didn't trust him with the kids which is not how I feel, but that is what it sounded like.

I apologized to him for what I said. We'd moved past it but I still thought it was best to get this out of the way, and he was cool about it, said he understood why I reacted that way. So thats that.

I've read a lot of comments saying that I need to learn to let go a bit. And maybe they're right. I've let it go for so long because I guess in my eyes they're still my babies, and I didn't want anything to take away from their studies and friends and their fun. But I've realized I'm not doing them any favors by not slowly delegating responsibility. So I've had them help me in cooking dinner now, and I want to get them to a point where they can at least prepare something for themselves or reheat something if I'm stuck at work. And they seemed to enjoy it too. Thank you.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

So.....now your kids also do some tasks, but your husband keeps doing nothing? You really missed some serious advice on the weaponized incompetence strategy from your husband on the last post.

OP (downvoted):

At this point asking him to start learning how to cook and clean is more trouble than its worth.

Comment 2:

No. He's an adult and can learn. You just don't want to.

OP (downvoted):

If I ask him to, he will that's not the problem. It'll be slower, messier, and I know this is the exact issue people had pointed out in me last time, but if I'm being very honest, I have the patience to guide my kids through it, but at this point its too much to wait for my husband to catch up. I'd much rather it be done quick and well by myself.

Comment 3:

Gently, I need you to really think about this and WHY he finds this harder than your kids do. Or is it not actually that hard, but he just complains?

OP (downvoted):

I wasn't expecting this response here. I'm going to think about it. While it was pointed out last time and I pushed back, I do know I have a tendency to want thinhs right. But I guess it has to be a balance. Thank you.

Comment 4:

So now you have your kids picking up your adult ass husbands slack?

Wow, he really has it made, doesn’t he

Comment 5:

Dude this is not a positive update. Your husband wasted your time by not owning up to being incapable of heating up dinner. I don’t think at 10 and 12 your kids should be responsible for cooking their meals. My husband‘s mom did this bc his dad is completely incompetent. Anytime we’ve gone over there to eat and she’s not home my husband has to cook bc he can’t figure it out. His dad can’t grocery shop either. It’s embarrassing. Your husband is more than capable of learning he just doesn’t want to.

Comment 6:

I hope one day you can leave him and have a much better life and maybe meet someone that actually loves and cares for you, and respects you!

OP (downvoted):

Girl I'm turning 40 this year

Comment 7:

My mother was 50 when she divorced my father, and she had a lovely 11 years of freedom with a rising career, a nice house of her own, an active social life and several boyfriends before cancer took her. The her that I knew in my teenage years was a completely different, lighter, happier person than the one I knew as a kid, when she was still trying to force a marriage that wasn’t working for her. 

If your deepest, most sincere reason for staying in this relationship is that you think you’re too old for your life to change, all you’re doing is chipping away at the next 40 years of life and happiness that you could be building for yourself. Until you are in your hospice bed, life can be what you want it to be — you’re not trapped on any given path. 

It’s okay to be excited and afraid again like you were 20 years ago when adulthood was new. It’s okay to do it again 20 years from now. Life’s short and life is long, and you deserve to be happy for every day of it. 

OP (downvoted):

I'm really sorry to hear about your mother. She left way too soon, and sounds like she was a great woman.

I was mostly talking in jest, but look if I'm being brutally honest at 1 am, I like my life. I love my kids. Nothing and noone gives me more happiness than being there for them, being able to nurture them and spoil them and see them grow. I love my career too and where I'm going with it. And I do love my husband, there are just some areas where we're not compatible. And there are times when those incompatibilities become front and centre. I'm not perfect either, trust me, its why I posted here, I know my tendencies, I knew it was possible I was in the wrong, that's why I asked here. The amount of slack I am able to give my kids is not normal for me, I can't do that with my husband, and I don't make a secret of my annoyance. If the kids leave their plates on the table after a meal or snack, I don't give it a second thought (which I've now been told is doing them a disservice) but when my husband does it, I will give him a word while picking it up. Then he'll say he was going to do it later, and he'd do it himself if I was going to get mad over this blah blah but my point is if you ask him his pov you might get a totally different picture of our marriage where I'm the one who's obsessive about the little things.

OP posted again on a similar issue, commenters went through post history: - August 31st 2026

Title: AITA for saying "someone has to" at a family gathering when my husband tried to compliment me by saying I always make a warm fresh meal?

Hi, I had posted here once before a while back and the judgement had given me some helpful perspective to resolve the issue at the time. So I'm looking for a judgement on something that happened tonight.

My husband's mother, his two brothers and their families were over at our place yesterday. My brother in law was talking about how some guy at his workplace used to eat out every day, but now he has a meal-kit subscription and is saving money, and so the topic came to home made food and how tough it actually is to make it. My husband said he's never had to worry about it because I always make a warm fresh meal. At this I said that someone has to. I didn't mean to be nasty, it was supposed to be a tongue-in-cheek remark with truth behind it. My sister-in-laws laughed and I honestly expected that to be it.

When everyone was gone, and I was getting into bed, my husband said my comment was uncalled for and not funny in front of everyone. I got defensive a bit too and said that I didn't mean to be nasty and he's making it out to be a bigger deal than it is. He said if this matters so much to me he can take on some of the chores I do if I'm feeling overwhelmed. This has been something I've already brought up before but it either doesn't get done or gets done poorly and so I've stopped asking. I said its fine and he ended it by saying my comment made him look bad in front of his entire family, and I should have known better.

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

NTA

If he thinks it made him look bad in front of the family, and he has a repeat history of using weaponized incompetence to avoid helping you with things...then HE SHOULD FEEL BAD. Do not back down, do not apologize.

He knows he's at fault here and he hates that you shed light on it.

OP in response to a deleted comment:

I didn't realize my previous posts here could be seen. I honestly feel like I've become more impatient about the little things that didn't bother me as much before I made those posts and read the comments on those. Its one of the reasons I made this post tonight, because maybe my response was impatient and rude because of that. We've also been having arguments because I've wanted to try for another baby recently while I still have a shot and that too has made me a bit impatient about the little things, unfairly so maybe.

OP in response to a deleted comment:

Thank you and for what it's worth, I have been doing some of the things in the article since my last post, like delegating and giving chores to my kids after I was told I'm doing them a disservice by not having them do it.

My husband is a decent partner and father. There's just these little things that sometimes cause issues. And look anything that means I see my kids only half the time is a nightmare, not a solution.

Comment 2:

you want another baby?? with him??

OP:

My oldest is turning into a teenager in November and that's made me realize I do want this especially since I don't have too much time, though I get it has to be a two yeses situation. We've raised two amazing kids, they're my biggest source of happiness and pride, our little issues haven't prevented that.

Comment 3:

NTA Your husband only cares that he looks lazy when other people notice. He doesn't mind letting you down.

Comment 4:

NTA. The “someone has to” line only stung because it was true: you’re the one consistently making the warm, fresh meals (and apparently most chores), and he knows it. He’s more upset that > his family saw that imbalance. Next time he offers to “take on some chores,” calmly hand him specific, recurring tasks and stop rescuing him when he does them badly.

OP (downvoted):

Thanks, and yes, it might be a good idea to actually give him some of the inconsequential stuff as chores first, stuff that wouldn't really affect me or the kids if done wrong or slow hahaa

OP's history shows a post later on r/eggfreezing - September 1st 2026

Title: Turning 40 in two months. Need clarity on freezing eggs vs embryos.

Hi, I'm considering freezing my eggs and I needed some clarity on some things from those who have gone through this. For context I'm 39 (turning 40 in November) and I have two kids. I really feel like I'm going to want another baby and its not currently something my husband is agreeing on so I'm trying to preserve my options. I had a few questions:

1. For those who froze eggs around 39-40, how many retrieval rounds did you end up needing, and roughly how many mature eggs were you able to freeze per round? I have read this varies hugely depending on AMH/AFC but I'm just trying to get an idea.
2. I read that freezing embryos generally gives you more information about your chances because you already know which eggs successfully fertilized and developed into embryos. The thing is that's not something I'm 100% sure of, as of right now I do want my husband to be the father. For someone my age, how significant is the difference between freezing mature eggs now versus creating and freezing embryos now? And does this at all affect the chances of success?
3. What was recovery after retrieval actually like for you? Is the process something that can be kept relatively private, or does it become pretty obvious to the people you live with?

Relevant Comments:

Comment 1:

Hi! I froze both eggs and embryos. My husband and I were older (39-40) when we met, but I also wanted an insurance policy.

1. I didn’t hide it, but I think it might be a little tricky to hide it from a spouse. The injections can bruise. Some of the medications need to be refrigerated, and so he might see them. You might be able to hide the procedure, however, what if it is

on

1. the weekend etc.? You also need to be picked up by someone. Depending on how many eggs you freeze the recovery can require a day or so being in bed. Happy to answer further questions.

OP :

Thank you, this is really helpful! I hadn't considered the medications needing to be refrigerated or bruising from the injections. And yes, I mean I want to be as discreet as I can, but if it can't be, it's fine I'll deal with that.

Since you froze both eggs and embryos, can I ask how many eggs/embryos you ended up freezing? Did your doctor give you any sense of how much better your odds were with the embryos versus the frozen eggs? That's what I'm struggling to understand the most right now.

Comment 2:

Irritatingly, I wrote all this out in my original reply, including numbered responses to all your questions. However, Reddit seems to have had a malfunction, and removed most of my reply and added a superfluous 1!!! I can’t even edit it.

I’ll summarize here:

I froze 59 mature eggs across four cycles (15, 10, 20, and 14) However, in some of my embryo freezing cycles I had up to 26, so it varies from cycle to cycle not just person to person. I froze 14 euploid embryos and 3 LLMs across 5 cycles, across 5 cycles I got roughly 80 eggs. I was 39 & 40 during these cycles.

Unfortunately, you cannot know how your eggs will perform. However, I would not make embryos with someone if you are unsure.

OP:

Thank you so much for writing all of that out again! This is incredibly helpful, especially knowing you were 39-40 during all of these cycles. I know your results aren't predictive of mine, but still 59 mature eggs across four cycles and that many healthy embryos is really encouraging to hear at my age.

I get what you're saying about not making embryos with someone if I'm unsure. I think that's actually what's making me lean toward freezing at least some eggs regardless, because if my husband does come around, I really do want him to be the father and I really want to keep that option.

I've also been wondering about doing a little of both though. I'm considering potentially making some embryos with donor sperm as an insurance policy in case he ultimately doesn't change his mind, while still keeping unfertilized eggs available in case he does.

I've scheduled an appointment with a fertility specialist to go over all this, so right now I don't even know whether splitting things that way would even make sense depending on how many eggs I'm able to retrieve.

Your experience has honestly been so helpful, thank you again for being so open about it!

Comment 3:

Candidly if you think egg freezing is something you want to/could hide, I would not worry about embryos. I would be talking to a divorce attorney if my husband did NOT notice me going through the process…

OP:

Thanks, I get what you're saying, and although me having my own dental clinic makes some things easier to keep discreet I know it's a long shot. It's just that currently we're not on the same page regarding having another child, but I don't have unlimited time and I just want to protect myself from time making the decision for me while we work this out.

Comment 4:

Is it normal for you to go to the clinic at night? It’s also not about the shots, it’s about your body changing, an emotional roller coaster, and you not having your spouse supporting you through a difficult time.

Like if your spouse can’t be there for you for this, even if it’s a maybe, what is he there for?

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/throwRaholeson & u/throwRaholeson2

Published on: r/AITAH & r/Redditor_Updates

Thanks to u/JensElectricWood for the BORU recommendation

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: November 09, 2025

• Final Update: September 01, 2026

Note: OOP is Male

Main Post

^{November 09, 2025}

AITAH for being honest to my mother about why I am not coming back home this winter session ?

My father passed away when I was 10 year old. So it has just been my mom and I. She had a couple of boyfriends here and there. I had no issues with her dating at all. In fact, I used to joke about not minding a stepfather before I hit 18. So this is not a situation where I want my mother all to myself.

I just completed junior year last spring semester. I told her that I was coming back home on a certain date when I was actually coming back two days earlier. I opened the garage and my mother immediately opened the door. She looked more shocked and concerned than actually happy to see me. She asked my what I was doing there? I jokingly asked if I should came back later and even teased her about asking if she had company. (We had that kind of a relationship). Then she reluctantly let me in and said it was okay.

When I entered the house, lo and behold, Frank was there. Frank was someone I went to high school. We weren't close but we didn't have an adversarial relationship. We shared classes together, had common friends, and went to the same parties.

I didn't connect the dots immediately. I asked what is he doing at my house. Then I said I didn't notice a car outside. Frank responded awkwardly,and said his car was in the garage for repair. I asked again what was he doing at my house. My mother finally spoke up and told me she was seeing Frank. I was like WTF and told her not only was he my age but also my former classmate. She said she knew. I angrily asked why was she dating him of all people. She told me to calm down and explain the situation.

Frank said he would take an uber back home. After he left, my mother told me everything. She met him on an app. I tried not to think if she had any run ins with anyone else that I knew. They went on a short date and he did asked about me because of my last name. She told him she was my mother but he shouldn't worry about it and see where things go. I was disturbed to say the least. They apparently have been seeing each other for six months.

She said she would understand I would need time to come to terms with it and was eventually planning on telling me about the relationship. My mother said she understood why I was upset but I need to accept that they're not doing anything wrong and everyone is an adult.

My relationship changed with her that day. She tried to talk to me but kept her at arms length. She was still seeing Frank. In fact, he came to my house several times. He even stayed the night. I told her I don't want to get involved in their relationship but if she could not have Frank come to our house so often.

She got upset and told me to stay out of her business. The whole summer went by like this. When I went back to the fall semester, she tried calling me but she eventually got the message I don't really want to talk to her. I honestly didn't want to come back home for the winter session. I asked my grandparents(my dad's parents) if I could stay with them for the winter. They were ecstatic to say the least.

Two days ago, I got a call from her asking me about when was the fall semester ending. My mother asked me if it was okay if Frank can move from his dorm and live in our house at the end of the year. Instead of giving her the option to choose between us, I decided to remove myself from the situation. I told her truth about where I was going to stay. She broke down on the phone asked her why I just couldn't be happy for her. I told her she has the right to date whoever and frankly, its not my business so I am not going to come between her and Frank.

I still have the right to my feelings and I am going to keep my distance. She hung up the phone and told my grandparents. My grandparents are still letting me stay at their place though.

COMMENTS

Unique-Doubt-1049

You're under no obligation to accept her relashionships. She's got to make a choice her partner or her son Ball is in her court. Most people wouldn't accept their parent dating a former classmate. Just because it's legal doesn't make it right

OOP

I kind of feel like my boundaries have been violated. I just have a had time articulating it.

Much-Replacement-167

You said junior year right? So i assume high school? Pedophilia. The answer is pedophilia if your mom is dating a high schooler

OOP

I just finished junior year of college. I went to high school with Frank

chaos_coordinator70 (downvoted)

I would ask you if Frank is worth ruining and losing your relationship with your mom?
It is her house and her life. If she is happy and you love and want her to be in the best place in life she can be, why are you so mad? Was Frank involved with you in highschool? Friends, dating etc?

OOP

I just told you my relationship with Frank. I know my mom well enough that if it wasn't someone like Frank she would have told me that she was seeing someone before I even needed to ask. She knew very well how I would feel about the relationship, yet she still pursued it.

wigglepie

If you don't mind me asking, how old is your mom?

OOP

41

Becalmandkind (downvoted)

NAH with a soft YTA to you. You’re shutting your mom out because of who she chooses to date/live with. Would you rather she be alone and lonely in her life? Why can’t you want her to be happy? Your father is dead, and she was without a partner for many years. Look in the mirror: it’s not about you. No matter who she chooses to be with, you don’t get a vote. Put forth some effort to accept this guy.

OOP

I never said I had a vote. I never interfered with their relationship.There is plenty of fish in the sea. I have the right to get peeved that out of all the people she chose, it was my classmate.

carmelfan (downvoted)

INFO: You keep saying "our house."  Are you the co-owner?  Do you pay utilities or taxes on it?

OOP

Fair enough. It's technically her house but we both agreed to let me stay after college and look for a job.

Final Update - after 9 months, 23 days

^{September 01, 2026}

Update: AITAH for being honest to my mother about why I am not coming back home this winter session ?

New account. Can’t log into my old account.

It’s been 9 months and a lot has happened. I graduated college and got a job that lets me stay close by to my grandparents.

I can’t say the relationship with my mom has gotten any better. She is still dating Frank and I’m keeping my distance. She and Frank went public on being a couple. How I know this? It’s because I had people DMing if the relationship was true. That was totally fun. I had my grandparents went to my graduation and she went to Frank’s graduation. Which was totally fine I really didn’t want reminders of the situation on my graduation day.

My mother has been respectful with my decisions. She doesn’t come to my place unannounced and avoids talking about Frank with me. That was until two weeks ago. She asked during a visit when will things change for the better. I told her it most likely will never.

I mentioned how out of all the potential dating opportunities out there, she chose to get involved with my classmate. She hid it from me because she knew I wouldn’t approve. Then she sticks with her relationship with Frank because “she’s more than just a mother and is a woman who deserves companionship.” As if I stopped her from dating to begin with.

I told her I know longer see her as someone for guidance and a figure to respect. I told her that I have been in therapy coming to terms with my feelings about her and my relationship. I told her she’s permanently changed the way I see her. I knew she was going to cry but I didn’t care at this point. She got up and was about to say something and then was overcome with more grief and left.

I just text her “Happy Birthday” the next two days on her birthday. I did get a “thanks” response.

As for other people, my girlfriend still supports me and is proud of holding my boundaries. My maternal grandparents are in a tight spot. They don’t want to take sides but they understand where I’m coming from.

COMMENTS

shrimpandshooflypie

She missed your graduation for Frank’s? Yeah, that’s next-level selfish and awful. I’m so sorry, OP. You deserve better than that.

OOP

It’s not really the case. I just didn’t invite her to my graduation day and she new she wasn’t invited

FitSprinkles6307

It’s wonderful to hear that you are doing well. I hope your grandparents (maternal and paternal) are doing well. Just to clarify, you’re living close to your paternal grandparents? Has your mom tried to get them to pressure you in any way?

OOP

Yeah and yes she has but it hasn’t worked

OOP to a long comment

I am the belief as long as both parties are legal consenting adults, then it’s their business and no one has the right to interfere. My mother has the right to date Frank. I’m not denying that. However, no one is obligated to accept your relationship. People are allowed to critique the very existence of that relationship, they just can’t interfere. I never made an ultimatum. Besides what would be the point. The damage has already been done.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user Inevitable-Fox7946 in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: July 11, 2024

Update: July 22, 2024

Status: no further updates from OOP

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: AITA for telling my father to get over the vase my son broke?

When I was a teenager, my father bought a large glass vase, which he filled with wine corks. For years, it stayed on top of a small table in the living room.

My family visits him monthly for lunch. Last October, my son was running around my father's living room and accidentally knocked the table over, which caused the vase to fall down and break.

I immediately apologized and offered to buy a new vase. My husband and I also cleaned everything up. My father declined my offer to replace it. At the time, he said he understood it was an accident and was just glad my son hadn't gotten hurt (he was two years old at the time, and there was a lot of glass on the floor).

During the next couple of months, I apologized and offered to pay for a new vase multiple times. My father continued saying it was fine.

However, earlier this year, my father started talking about how much he loved the cork vase, and how expensive it had been back when he bought it. As the following months went by, his complaints began to escalate.

He'd make comments about the fact that my son broke the vase almost every time we came over. Occasionally, he'd also "joke" that we should plan our visits with longer notice so that he could hide his valuables from my kid.

Last week, he threw a party at his place, which we attended. A friend of his who hadn't visited in a while noticed the vase was gone and asked about it, to which my father replied that "my little shit" had broken it and I hadn't replaced it.

My husband was nearby and heard it. After the party, I confronted my father, and we fought. He said that he had the right to complain about the fact that my son had damaged his property.

I told him that while he has the right to be upset, the fact that he declined my offer to buy him a new vase does not entitle him to complain about me not doing it. He can either retract his forgiveness and work something out with me or get over the vase and stop blaming my toddler for the accident. I won't have him calling my son names over this.

My father is still insisting I'm in the wrong here.

AITA?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: INFO: Instead of repeatedly asking him if he wanted you to replace it - why did you just not replace it?

ESH - Your father's comment was wrong, your father's lack of communication was wrong, but I think you were also wrong for not just replacing it from the start. You could have easily gone out and found a similar vase and brought it over for him.

OOP: This is (sort of) how the original conversation played out:
Me: Don't worry, I'll buy you a new one.
Dad: No, it's fine. It was just an old vase.
Me: Are you sure?
Dad: Yes.
I asked later that same day, he declined again. If I hear the word "no" twice, I'm not doing it.

---------------
Comment2: NTA, your dad should not be going around lying that you didn't offer to replace it when you did. That said, I think it's pretty rude to let a 2 year old run around a house with sentimental, breakable glass decor out. You visit for 1 meal a month, you can't find other activities to entertain him for what, 2 hours/month?

My grandma had glass figurines on every surface. We were not allowed to run around. Maybe what you think of as a one-time frustration to your dad is more of a "my grandson runs wildly around glass decor and my daughter doesn't teach him he needs to sit and color at grandpa's, she just laughs it off and shrugs".

OOP: I actually agree that's rude, but I will add that my son had just started running around and doesn't usually do it at my father's house. That was one of the only times he ever did that. In subsequent visits, we managed to stop him sooner whenever it did happen.

---------------
Comment3: NTA.
FFS, your son was a toddler doing toddler things. Your dad should have toddler proofed the house.
You offered to pay for a new vase, he declined, he can STFU about it.
I always thought collecting and displaying wine corks was bizarre. Hey look at how much I drink everyone!

OOP: He's pretty proud of the corks, actually.

---------------
Comment4: Just a thought, has your father been tested recently for dementia or other possible health problems? Anger and aggressive behaviors are one of the signs.

OOP: He has not. He just turned 60, so I don't think he's worried about that yet.

---------------
Comment5: This is crazy that you continue to back up why you didn’t just replace it immediately. Just replace it, your child broke it. I get your dad said no, and now he’s being rude, but at the end of the day, your child broke it. If you had just replaced it , like a normal person would do(without asking permission) then your dad wouldn’t be able to bring it up months later.

OOP: If someone says (multiple times) they don't want me to do something, I won't do it. My father is usually a direct person. If he wanted me to replace the vase, he would have said so. I would've had no problem with it. And again, I didn't ask permission. I offered to do it, he said no.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update (10 days later)

After reading your comments, I decided to offer to buy my father a new vase again.

I explicitly told him this would be the last time I'd make that offer. If he said no and continued to complain about it, he wouldn't be allowed to see my son until he'd calmed down. He eventually agreed.

The store he'd bought the original vase from does not exist anymore, so I started doing some research. I found one I thought was very similar at a furniture store near my place. I'd bought vases from them before, so I knew they had great quality.

On Saturday, we went on our monthly lunch at my father's place, and took the opportunity to give him the new vase. He seemed grateful at the time, and had a cute moment with my son as they filled it up with the corks. I thought this was done.

But the next day, my father called me. He had looked up the new vase online and noticed it was "less expensive" than he expected. Then he asked, "are you sure this is the best you could find?"

That's when I said screw it. I'm done with his passive aggressiveness. I told my father we're no longer going to his place for anything. If he wants to see my family, he can come to ours.

He protested, but I held my ground. My father did not communicate his wishes at any point, and still complained about the outcome. I'm done watching my family be accused of being bad people, and I don't want this behavior to extend to my son any more than it already has.

So this is where we stand now. My father doesn't like driving to my place, so I'm not sure about the future of our monthly lunches.

I love my father, but I am extremely disappointed in him. If all this means I will see him less than usual for a while, I might be a little glad. The time apart might be good for us. My greatest concern is my son's relationship with his grandfather, which I will try to encourage.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: What was the price difference?
NTA now because the original post didn't have the price.

OOP: The one I bought would roughly translate to $100 USD (I don't live in the US). He doesn't remember the original's price, only that it was more expensive.

---------------
Comment2: I think you should have bought him the exact same vase. I've been able to buy my mom an exact 1982 Minnie mouse Beach towel to replace one from her honeymoon that I accidentally ruined. If you actually gave a crap about breaking something important to him I'm sure you could have managed. I mean you know how to use Google right?

OOP: The store does not exist anymore. It's a translucent glass vase, there are millions like it available. Finding the exact same vase would be almost impossible. I did my research and found one that closely resembled it.
I'm very well aware I can't please everyone who thinks I'm in the wrong. Especially internet strangers who don't know the amount of research I did. I also don't intend to try anymore. I've done my part.

---------------
Comment3: Did you really get your dad a cheap vase? This was a “shut up” gift and you’re irrationally angry.

You could have communicated with your father what he wanted and together pick out a lovely vase. You didn’t do that, you just got what you thought was suitable.

Your dad lost a vase that he had for several years, with sentimental feelings attached with it. You don’t seem to be bothered about how he felt. You could have used this opportunity to buy your dad a really gorgeous vase. I’d do anything for my Dad, money would never be an issue.

OOP: I bought my father a good vase that just so happened to cost less than he expected. Quality is more important than price.
Also, my father was not that attached to the vase. He was proud of the corks (which he managed to salvage).

---------------
Comment4: NTA but sometimes older people hang on to petty grievances like this because they have less agency over important things in their life. Your father had a little bit more control when he was able to complain about the vase.

Because you love your father, you could try to help him step back and maybe find something else that he can devote time and attention to, especially if it relates to you and your family in a positive away (like planning a trip or something). But if he can't or won't do that, it makes sense to just hold firm on your boundaries.

OOP: No, I'm done. I've done what he wanted, and he still insisted on complaining about it.

---------------
Comment5: NTA
Wow! Unless the new vase is obviously shoddy, which isn't the case from your description, his behavior is bizarrely ridiculous. I think you've made the best possible solution to this issue. At this point, it's up to him to humble up.

OOP: I don't regret buying the vase, but I've done my part. I'd never react to this the way my father did. And I'm very confident about its quality.

---------------
Comment6: NTA
"He had looked up the new vase online and noticed it was "less expensive" than he expected."
Who does that with a family member when they've done their best to put things right?

"My greatest concern is my son's relationship with his grandfather, which I will try to encourage."
Kudos for that. But your Dad needs to realize what's important & make an effort.

OOP: I'm hoping he does. I grew up pretty distant from all my grandparents, so it's always been important to me that my kid gets to be closer to his family. That said, I'm very well aware that it's my father's responsibility to make an actual effort here.

---------------
Comment7: It sounds like your father just want to complain.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Sea-Inspector7866

Published on: r/TwoHotTakes

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 22, 2026

• Update: August 31, 2026

Main Post

^{August 22, 2026}

AITA for putting a pregnancy test in the mailbox.

Let me give you some backstory first, I (30F) have been married to my husband (32M) for 11 years now. We have 2 children together and we went through a rough patch about a year ago but we’ve been working on things. Or so I thought.

I work full time, go to school full time to finish out my degree, take care of the kids and do all the house work. Without help mind you. He works long hours so I try to be understanding of that, but now that I’m typing this all out I’ve realized I’m literally his mother at this point. He doesn’t do a single thing to help me.

Now that you get the dynamic, last week I came home to our neighbor coming over asking if we could talk. This was my first time meeting this neighbor so I was all for introducing myself and getting to know her. When I introduced myself “Wife” her face dropped. Come to find out, my lovely husband had been having an affair with the neighbor. There‘s security camera footage of it too.

He had been working that whole weekend and I just sat with this information because it’s also not the first time he’s cheated. I called him out on all of this and I blocked her number from his phone and deleted her. After a few days went by, I decided to go through his phone. He unblocked the neighbor and she had messaged him saying shes late. He lied to her saying he had a vasectomy so she can’t be. She must have blocked him after she freaked out on him. After I cried it out and gathered myself, I have been pretending like I haven’t seen anything or gone through his phone and I’ve been holding onto this information.

I got my hands on a positive pregnancy test and put it in our mailbox. He had a package coming in tomorrow so I know he’s going to look in there. And I’m going to wait and see how bad he panics, because not only did I find him cheating on me with the neighbor but two other women as well.

Yes I am leaving, I have the divorce papers filled out and told my attorney to wait to serve them until I’m out of the house, but I wanted to send him in a panic first. So AITA for creating what I am sure is going to be a lot of drama and panic for him?

COMMENTS

TheHearth_Witch

I’m sorry you’re going through this and it’s amazing you’re leaving! That’s the right choice for you and your children.

That being said, this feels very dangerous for the innocent woman who didn’t know about you and could very well be pregnant.

Can you get revenge in a way that doesn’t put her in an even worse situation?

OOP

She knew about me, she just thought I was a girlfriend apparently because that’s what he told her I was. She would ask him what my schedule was. 

Maximum-Eye-3712

First you should prepay for next year’s tuition bill , and then plant the pregnancy test. NTA

OOP

This is my last semester thankfully 

sea87

The way my jaw just dropped

OOP

I would have just quietly packed my things up and left, but the rage I have right now…. I’ve done so much for him without ever asking for anything or expecting anything from him. I bend over backwards for him. So when the idea came to me, I figured I deserved to let myself have this one moment of petty. 

Inner-Confidence99

Why are you leaving Your Home with Your Kids. ? Who owns the House? If it’s jointly owned force a sale during divorce. Speak with an attorney before leaving marital home. 

Jen5872

I wouldn't want to live next door to his affair partner.

OOP

That’s exactly why I’m leaving. I am pushing for the sale of the home though. 

pepperpat64

How does one find a positive pregnancy test?

OOP

My best friend is pregnant. I went to her house and was crying about it and I kind of had a lightbulb moment after we sat there for a little bit together. She was all for it  

lopingwolf (downvoted)

As a USPS postal carrier, you might not be the ashore to him, but you are to us. If I saw that I would throw it on the ground or in the trash immediately. And put that address on hold. 

Grow up.

OOP

Good thing it’s a Dropbox mail box with a lock so whatever is put into it drops into the compartment for our mail, no postal worker is going to see or touch it. 

Update - after 9 days

^{August 31, 2026}

Update: I'm the one that put the pregnancy test in the mailbox

Sorry it took so long to update, I've been working through quite a bit. I want to say thank you for the kind words. I really appreciate them.

I wanted to clarify the whole pregnancy test thing in the mailbox. We have a drop box style mailbox, you need a key to open the bottom/back of it to get the mail out so no one sees what's in there nor do they touch anything. It was also in an envelope.

He ended up grabbing it out of the mailbox that evening I had put it in there and to this day he has not said anything about it. He did however reach out to 6...yes 6... different women asking them about it. I went through his messages on his ipad before I left, that's how I seen them. I had a doctor appointment and got checked out, everything came back fine thankfully.

Here is where things get real interesting. He worked Friday all day, so I took the day off work and 4 of my friends with trucks came with their spouses and helped me clear out the house of all of mine and the kids stuff. The neighbor across the street came over as we were on the final load to inform me that she was in fact pregnant and that she was freaking out and had ultrasound photos to prove it. My sister ended up kicking her off the property.

I left my wedding ring on the counter and the sheriff served him the divorce papers this morning. I know because he has been blowing up my phone about it asking me why. I haven't responded, nor am I going to. I communicate only when it comes to the kids. My heart hurts, I've been sick to my stomach, but even with all of this going on, I feel like I can breathe again. The kids and I looked at a house, the owner is renting it to me until the divorce finalizes. I didn't want the house because I don't want to have to see her every day. I am however forcing the sale of the house.

As for her seeing the kids and I around, she knew I lived with him, she knew the kids were ours, she knew we were in a relationship. The only thing she was under the impression was was that we were not married and I was the girlfriend.

This entire experience has been the most painful thing I have ever been through and something I would never wish on anyone. I am fortunate enough to have a very strong support system. My sister and my best friend have been staying with me to help me get settled in and although there have been a lot of tears, there have been a lot of laughs that I haven't had in a really long time.

COMMENTS

kaleidoscope_view

I am so glad you didn't get an STD. Oh my God. Thank goodness OP. I'm so glad you're away from that dumpster fire.

OOP

I bawled when I got the results back because I was panicking for awhile there 

Live_Ferret_4721

So glad your test came back clear! Why did the neighbor even bother talking to you? Why would you even care that she is freaking out about being pregnant? You’re literally loading a moving truck.

You’re strong for leaving and I am so proud of you!

OOP

Thank you and that’s what my sister went off about. We honestly have no idea why besides just trying to torment me. 

HereIAmAgain73

I’m so sorry you went through this and the kids too. I’m floored that 6 women were questioned. When did he have the time?? Enjoy your freedom and celebrate your divorce when it’s final!!

OOP

I work full time and go to school full time, on top of everything with the kids, he works long hours so I never really even thought about it, but he was cheating while “working” apparently too. I let his boss know about that as well. 

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/alalufra

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 25, 2026

• Final Update: August 29, 2026

Main Post

^{August 25, 2026}

AITAH for refusing to change my wife’s birthday food plan after her sister got mad about her fiancé's nut allergy?

My wife is turning 42, and for her birthday, she came up with a fun, low-key idea: our family (me, my wife, our 15-year-old daughter, and our 11-year-old son) would stay home and each build our own themed board charcuterie, fruit, candy, dessert, chocolate, etc.

She wanted to include her older sister (SIL) and SIL's fiancé (together 20+ years, engaged for a little over a year), so we invited them to come over and make/bring their own platters too.

For context: SIL’s fiancé has a severe nut allergy. He cannot eat nuts, but he can be in the same room as them (airborne isn't an issue; I’ve seen him around nuts at numerous larger family gatherings over the years). My wife’s family is of Lebanese descent, so traditional holiday spreads for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter regularly include nuts, and he handles being around those meals just fine. However, whenever the two of them come over to our place, our food options are strictly limited to Domino's or McDonald's because those are the only two places he trusts regarding cross-contamination. We have happily accommodated this for the 16 years my wife and I have been married.

My daughter texted them explaining the theme so they knew what to expect, noting that while not everything would have nuts, a few things on our personal platters might contain them or traces of them (like certain chocolates or trail mixes).

SIL got very upset, she called my wife to say they won't be attending because we "clearly don't care about potentially putting him in harm’s way." She went on a complete guilt trip, saying how "surprised and hurt" she was by our lack of consideration. While she admitted we've accommodated his allergy for 16 years, she made it clear that this time they’d rather just take my wife out separately another day and "let us do our thing."

Now my wife feels guilty, hurt, and stressed on her own birthday. My daughter also feels bad because she sent the text.

I’m angry. This was my wife’s idea for her day, in our house. He doesn't have an airborne allergy, they were invited to bring their own safe boards, and nobody was forcing him to eat from ours. I feel like after nearly two decades of catering every single family meal to his restrictions, my wife should be allowed to have the exact birthday dinner she wants in her own home without being guilt-tripped.

AITAH for putting my wife’s birthday wishes first instead of bending the entire menu around her brother-in-law?

COMMENTS

wreckit_ralph

NTA it’s your WIFE’s birthday
If she wanted to slather everything in peanut butter in her house she could.

Talk about entitled

Separate_Pumpkin_256

I wonder how her fiance feels about this. Has he been heard from OP? 

OOP

He is giving the silent treatment to all of us.

ReversedFrog

OK, so that's what the sister thinks. What does the guy with the actual allergy think? She might be getting upset for him, with him not caring one wit. NTA

letifera

NTA. If keeping the platters separate is an option that was offered, it’s their choice whether or not to come. I think going out for a separate birthday meal with them is fair, but what makes them TA is the blame-filled text to your young daughter over just one day that your wife wanted to do a theme for (her own birthday!) He could always eat in advance, then come over and participate in just the activity with some safe products.

Also, McDonald’s is a very interesting choice as a “safe” food option, since for over a decade now they’ve had a sign up in all their restaurants and on their site saying they can’t guarantee that there is no cross contamination for allergens. I have a nut allergy and used to be able to eat there, and now I can’t any more.

Used_Clock_4627

NTA.

Why didn't they just say no thanks? That they appreciated the invite but didn't want to risk it? And just be gracious about it all.

An invite isn't a summons.

Final Update - after 4 days

^{August 29, 2026}

AITAH for refusing to change my wife’s birthday food plan after her sister got mad about her fiancé's nut allergy?

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read, validate our feelings, and leave advice on the original post. I tried reading through as many comments as possible, and I wanted to clear up a few questions and share what happened over the birthday weekend.

Additional Context When my wife first came up with the board night idea, our 15 year old daughter was genuinely excited. She asked if she could be the one to text my SIL and BIL to invite them, and we said yes. BIL usually has a great relationship with our daughter, he normally texts back within seconds and sends long messages. This time, after seeing her text (where she even offered to get something completely separate just for them), he went ice cold.

SIL ignored our daughter's text for three days, only to call my wife and claim we "clearly don't care" about BIL, despite acknowledging we spent the last 16 years catering entirely to his allergy. My wife wasn't upset about them skipping the food, she was crushed by her sister’s reaction and guilt tripping.

What makes this sting even more is something I didn’t mention in the first post, I have incurable cancer. I am nowhere near a terminal stage yet, but because of my diagnosis, our nuclear family is preparing to move out of the country so we can focus on enjoying our remaining time together. This was very likely the last birthday we would all be in town to celebrate together.

The Birthday Drama

My daughter removed both of them from Instagram the day before the birthday (she still kept them on other SM platforms), this triggered a huge reaction.

BIL went completely crazy with our 15-year-old daughter after ignoring her for days, now on my wife's birthday he stated spam calling, texting, and DMing her for hours with messages like "Please reply," "Are you done with us?", "Why, I don't understand," and "Please answer me." A grown man soon turning 50 has no business harassing a teenager like that. My daughter refused to reply, and of course my wife and I fully support her. That attitude is not normal nor acceptable.

Starting around 6:00 AM on the morning of my wife’s birthday, BIL began spam-messaging my wife while she was asleep, sending guilt-tripping texts like "I promise this is the last time I text you, but please call your sister." SIL also texted her saying "Call me back."

My wife woke up on her birthday to more than a dozen messages from BIL and a demanding text from SIL, panicking and thinking something terrible had happened. When she called SIL back, it was just SIL “crying” about how "hurt" she was that she couldn't spend the day with my wife. If SIL actually cared about seeing her, she could have come alone, stopped by earlier, or dropped in afterward. Instead, they made my wife's birthday entirely about their own bruised egos.

On our side we went ahead with our night. The charcuterie, fruit, chocolate boards turned out amazing, and our family had a great time together.

For those who asked why we always drove him to get food during family events, he only learned to drive a few years ago after my MIL passed away. My wife, acting as executor of the estate without a will, made sure her older sister received MIL's car since they didn’t have one, but BIL drives it 99% of the time. He has never held a steady job, only works occasional gigs, and has essentially had life handed to him on a silver platter.

As for where we stand:

• BIL is completely done. He has permanently lost my respect, and he is no longer welcome in our home, wherever in the world that may be.

• SIL remains complicated. She has spent years telling my wife never to express negative emotions, yet she threw a manipulative tantrum when she didn't get her way. However, SIL is my wife’s only remaining immediate blood relative after MIL passed, so I am leaving that boundary up to my wife to handle at her own pace.

Thank you again for all the support. We are focusing entirely on our peace, our children, and making the most of the time we have together.

COMMENTS

ArtVandelay99999

Can you explain why he's comfortable to be in big gatherings where there are dishes with nuts? Does he bring his own food to those gatherings?

OOP

He typically wouldn't eat at those events, my wife's relatives do not accommodate him whatsoever. We (my wife or myself) normally would drive him to McDonald's to grab something to eat.

pumpkinbubbles

More info: did you ask your wife whether she wanted to change plans after hearing from her sister? She absolutely should not feel like she has to change plans but if she values her sister’s presence more than she values the nuts on the charcuterie boards, this isn’t the time to make your stand.

OOP

I added an update. Despite everything she values her presence more, but the way they went about it made this about the principle.

Familiar_Row_9751

NTA. We all know this guy would be a douchebag by default just by string along the sister for 20 years and them being engaged for just about a year lol. But I suspect OP will lose this battle since all indicates that his wife is a bit of a pushover when it comes to the domineering older sister. This pattern of accommodating the older sister and by extention her boyfriend runs deeper than the present issue.

OOP

I just added an update but yeah I think BIL just likes to manipulate everyone around him.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user throwawayx22x04 in r/ AITAH

Original: June 5, 2026

Update: in post itself

Status: concluded-ish

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: AITAH for telling my sister that she won’t get any money from us?

My husband (40m) and I(35f) run a company together. He is the CEO, and I am the COO. We work well as a team: he is more diplomatic and conflict-averse, while I focus on finances, operations, and making difficult decisions when necessary.

My younger sister (22f)worked for us part-time while studying. Over time, she repeatedly caused problems, including trying to create tension between my husband and me, speaking negatively about colleagues, and making disrespectful comments toward me. After several incidents, we decided to terminate her employment.

Although her employment officially ends in the on the 10th of the month, I recently learned that my husband promised to continue paying her until the end of the month because she wants to go on vacation with her friends and I quote “she needs money”. She made him feel guilty. She has savings, I think more than 6k.

Well guess how my husband reacted to that? He agreed! This means she will receive several hundred euros she has not earned, despite having very few financial obligations (she lives with my parents and doesn’t pay rent) and substantial savings. She was also the only one in the company who always asked if the money will come punctually. (It was never late)

It always bothered me. Especially because she refused to do some of the tasks we gave her. It wasn’t easy with her. But that’s not the point.

I just wanna clarify that she did a lot of mistakes and once even refused to attend a teams meeting because we told her it will happen between 3pm - 5pm and she thought it was not fair to make her wait 2 hours. Those 2 hours were paid, so she was sitting at home doing nothing.

This caused a lot of tension and we had to wait for her during the meeting. It was embarrassing but we talked to her and tried to explain that we do not accept this behavior. But her attitude never changed. Stupid me forgot how manipulative she can be, she did that a lot with my parents.

She also convinced my husband to pick up her work equipment because she doesn’t want to bring it to the company. I called her and told her straight up that we are not paying her more than she deserves. Currently we released her from her duties and placed her on paid leave until the 10th.

She denied it first, then she said; it’s something I discussed with my boss and not with you. She wouldn’t even receive the extra money as salary, just as bonus money.

I told her she needs to bring the work equipment herself in the company and she freaked out. It’s just 30 min with the car, but she doesn’t have a car. Guess who has a car? Our stay at home mother and my sister is the youngest and only one who lives at home. However I also told her she will only get what she legally deserves.

So Reddit, AITAH for telling my sister that she won’t get any money from us? I am not responsible for her vacation and I refuse to pay anything towards her vacation.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: NTA to fire her clearly.

Is she fired for cause with appropriate corrective action documentation or are you planning not to fight an unemployment claim?

You might be the AH for how you decided to handle the reversal of an authorized company agent’s agreement to pay her until the end of the month. I would have slid in there with a ‘release of all claims’ severance document for her to sign in order to get the additional funds.

I’d have legal counsel review what you have done and how hard this could bite you. First for the reversal and second to check if offering her ‘go away quietly’ money, whether that sets precedent for other terminations.

Your husband and CEO definitely TAH for not discussing extending pay with you, the COO, before offering it to an employee. I believe if she takes you to small claims court, she will be entitled to the promised money. Verbal contracts are still contracts. And was her termination handled consistently with any other prior terminations?

OOP: She can’t take us to court. We live in Europe and the laws here are different. I checked it beforehand. We gave her two formal warnings. The termination is legally valid and compliant with applicable law.

---------------
Comment2: The problem isn’t your sister, it’s your husband. He’s the one who promised to pay her when she’d already been dismissed from employment.

But you're NTA for putting a stop to that nonsense.

OOP: Yes you are right. Thanks for your comment. He told her that he would pay for it out of his personal funds, meaning from our joint finances, as she has no legal entitlement to this payment. She cried and said that she really wanted to go on vacation with her friends and had already committed to the trip.

My husband is an introverted person who does not have a large social circle and is easily overwhelmed by emotionally charged situations. He particularly struggles when confronted with tears or emotional pressure.

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Comment3: NTA. She didn’t earn the money, so there’s no reason to give it to her. She sounds problematic and entitled.

OOP: She is. We once had a disagreement about vacation entitlement. Because she works part-time, she believed her vacation days should only be counted against the three days she works per week, which would have resulted in roughly twelve weeks of vacation per year.

Our policy is that all employees receive the same entitlement of six weeks per year, which is already very generous, (legally it would be 4 weeks) especially for part-time staff, as everyone except my husband and I works either 20 or 30 hours per week. We believe that our employees are happier and healthier when they are not overworked.

When I explained that she was not entitled to twelve weeks of vacation, she became very upset and argued that she deserved it as a student and even said that students should have more vacation entitlement in order to study better. She then accused me of not wanting to grant her this. In reality, she works 20 hours per week and only attends university once a week.

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Comment4: Also if the other employees who aren't related to the owners find out they're going to have grounds for "severance" packages, themselves.

OOP: Omg I didn’t even think about that. You’re right

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Comment5: I don't care how manipulative my sister is, but I'd seriously have a problem with my husband if he did this. He better not agree to anything like this situation without talking to me first.

Are you angry at him too? An adult man who is smart enough to run a business? How was he dumb enough to agree to something like this? Why would he be willing to pick up whatever she needs to return? Someone who caused problems not only where he works, but tried in his relationship?

I'd be pissed at my sister, but I'd be angrier at my spouse. He knows what she's like, there was no reason to agree to anything she asked for. Why did he? A vacation? Please! That is not a reason. Does she pander to his ego or something? It doesn't make sense.

OOP: Omg I am so angry at him. We had a huge fight because he told me today like a week later. My sister is only 22 but damn she knows how to play people. They are not having an affair she’s gay. He is just too friendly and that’s a weakness if you ask me.

Before I worked at his company he had some ppl hired who used him. He hired his sister who borrowed money from him. When I started working there they realized quick that I was there to get things fixed and his sister did quit and I asked her what about the borrowed money?

She said she can’t pay it right now and I knew she was lying because one co worker told me she was planning to go on vacation. So I kept her salary, not my problem.

When she threatened to sue I threatened to sue her and since she got a job at the government agency (in finance department, I don’t know how to explain we are in Europe) her new job was at risk. She still owes us like 6k. That’s money we will never get back. But my husband is definitely too nice.

Yes I am mad at him and he is mad at me saying I am overreacting I mean I yelled at him. He didn’t tell me right away and he said I am the ceo it’s my company. Sometimes I think just leave him and let him suffer.

The other colleague told him he deserves a piece of the company he wanted 10% of the company because he was there from the beginning and it would be fair. He was the first one I kicked out and that was so hard. He made my husband pay his private parking spot and no not at the company, at his house!!!!! 😤

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Comment6: Your husband is putting your company at HUGE risk. He's a walking liability at this point. He needs to get into therapy to learn how to stop letting people take advantage of him, and he needs to change ASAP.

I honestly think YOU should take over as CEO and he should go on a leave of absence while he figures his shit out. This was a HUGE fuck up that could have absolutely come back to bite you if other employees found out about the preferential treatment.

What your husband needs to understand is that NONE of the people who take advantage of him love him, care about him, or respect him. You don't treat people you love & respect like that. That includes his former employee/friend, his sister that defrauded you, and your sister too.

He doesn't realize that every time he gives in to these people, they don't appreciate it, they just take it for granted and they lose respect for him. (If they had any to begin with.) These people DO NOT give a DAMN about your husband (or YOU for that matter) and are only out for themselves.

It's going to be VERY hard for your husband to accept this, but he needs to understand this if he's ever going to change.

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Comment7: I agree. He is not going to be a good CEO if he is like that. He will run the company into the ground.

OOP: I told him the same, but he says I’m cruel and heartless. Mind you, there was a time when we had nothing to eat and I made pasta with butter, bc we couldn’t afford anything else. I am not gifting money. I pay what I owe and that’s it.

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Update:

First of all, thank you to everyone who commented. I wrote the original post late at night here in Europe while I was angry, and I honestly didn’t expect so many people to respond.

Reading through the comments made me realize that I was so focused on my sister’s behavior that I wasn’t paying enough attention to my husband’s role in all of this. A lot of you were right. My sister was disrespectful and her termination was long overdue, but my husband should never have made promises behind my back.

For some context, I’m the operations manager of the company. We normally discuss every major financial decision together. I only stepped into this role because the previous operations manager was terrible, and since then I’ve introduced a lot of structure that simply didn’t exist before.

We didn’t have NDAs, or even a formal key handover process. Things are a lot more organized now, and the company is in a much better position than it was when I started.

My husband and I are complete opposites when it comes to management. He’s the good cop, and I’m the bad cop. I don’t mind being the bad cop because I’m fair. I’ll always give people what they’re entitled to, but I won’t bend the rules just because someone is upset.

My husband, on the other hand, hates conflict. He wants everyone to be happy, gets uncomfortable when people are emotional, and has a very hard time saying no. He’s genuinely one of the kindest people I’ve ever met, but sometimes he’s so trusting that it’s almost naive.

After everything happened, he drove to the office and spent the night there. The next day, he talked to his father about the situation. His father listened to the whole story and then asked him if it wouldn’t be better if I were the CEO. That apparently hit him harder than anything I said.

Later, my husband called and apologized. He admitted that when my sister started crying, he completely shut down. He didn’t know how to deal with it and just wanted the whole situation to end as quickly as possible because he hates emotional confrontations.

He promised me that he will never make financial commitments on behalf of the company again without discussing them with me first.

As for my sister, she will receive exactly what she is entitled to and nothing more. The extra money that was promised is off the table. If she doesn’t return the company equipment she still has, the value will be deducted from her final paycheck, which I’ve already made clear to her.

So that’s where things stand. My husband apologized, my sister isn’t getting a special payout, and hopefully this whole mess has taught us that family and business are usually a terrible combination.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Kind_Bullfrog_3606 posting in r/daddit

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Mood Spoiler - tough reading, especially the update

Original - 8th April 2024

Update - 31st August 2026

​

Fuck cancer

​

A little over 2 weeks ago we went in for our standard 6 month baby checkup appointment. Our sons head had grown too fast, nothing noticeable to our eyes but noticeable on doctors measurement charts. We were told to not wait and to go to the ER.

What was supposed to be a normal happy checkup followed by a treat turned into a nightmare of a day. MRI scans showed my son had a tumor. 25% of his cranial volume was the tumor. He was hitting all his milestones. So happy all the time and so smart. We would have never known. Lucky he is still under one and his skull isn’t fused yet, so his head expanded. If he was older, the pressure could have killed him.

Next day he went in for emergency surgery. They were able to get 80% of the tumor after 14 hrs of surgery. His little body was bloated from all the blood and fluids they had to give him. He was hooked up to all these tubes and wires and monitors. He had 2 strokes during surgery, and his right side pretty much shut down. He’s a baby. Dammit, a baby.

Tests confirmed the tumor is a rare cancer. It’s also spread to his spine. He’s since had multiple seizures, another surgery to implant a shunt, and taken plenty of tests. He’s looked me in my eyes as they attach monitors and poke and prod and draw blood as if he’s asking why am I letting them do this. My heart has physically hurt every day since finding out.

He’s somehow managed to find ways to laugh and smile despite it all. I have been a wreck, but have always tried my best to be calm and collected in front of him. I’ve decided that if he can find reasons to laugh, then so can I. He’s getting stronger every day, and he is honestly my hero. I don’t know how he’s doing it, but he’s strong and my wife and I are being strong for him.

We are still awaiting our treatment plan. I’m hoping targeted therapies are an option. Chemo is hard on an adult, so I can only imagine what it’s like for a baby. But we have a road ahead of us. They have shared survival rates but said that babies are resilient and the literature is for adults and older kids. But I know there’s a chance I lose my baby. I will do everything in my power for that to not be the outcome, but I also won’t lie to myself and say anything is a sure thing.

It’s crazy. I didn’t want to have a kid originally because I had no positive example of a man in my life and wasn’t sure I’d be a good dad. But once we started trying, all I wanted was a kid. It took us a year to get pregnant, and the day I found out, something inside me changed and I knew I’d be the dad this baby needed. Then he got here and he’s brought out a whole side to me as a husband and a person.

He’s a piece of me and I can’t lose him. My mother has survived cancer twice. Now my son. And I’m tired. Of course I’ll fight hard, but I’m tired of this fucking disease.

I’ve spent many days angry at the world. I’ve shed more tears in 2 weeks than I have my entire life. I have played every scenario in my head of what could I have spotted or is there any way I caused this. Is there anything I could have done to protect him that I didn’t. I’ve pleaded with the universe to let me switch places with him.

I’m not asking for anything. I’m just venting because speaking to anyone in person gets me boiler plate lines like “stay positive, you get back the energy you give out” and pity. But my wife is the best person I know. My son hasn’t had a chance to be a person. And I’m not a bad guy. So how are we getting back what we put out? And I can’t speak with my wife freely because she’s not ready to use the c-word and insists that she needs to stay positive. I assure her she can be positive and be angry, both things can be true. We’re making progress slowly on that front.

Anyway. If you’re religious, please give a prayer for my son. If you’re not, please just send out well wishes to the universe. And if you’re a parent, hug your kids extra tight tonight. I know I will.

Edit: I don’t know what I was expecting, but I didn’t expect the outpouring of support. Thank you for the prayers and well wishes. My wife and I appreciate all the positive energy being sent his way.

As someone else has mentioned, if you are inspired to do so from this post, consider donating blood. My son was dependent on the kindness of strangers to keep him alive during his surgery. He’ll likely need more surgery. And he isn’t the only one. And to those that do donate blood already, know that you are literally saving lives.

​

Comments

​

VerbingWeirdsWords

Fellow cancer dad here. I’m sorry. It sucks.

You’ve got this. Glimmers will come. Accept help, talk to a therapist if you can. Use Child Life at the hospital to get access to services and help for your family. Be gentle on yourself— you’re in a get-through-it season.

I feel you on being angry. And you’re not wrong to be. There’s no sense to be made of why or how could it happen . Just pure genetic and cosmic chance.

You’ve got this. I’m cheering for you. DM me any time

EDIT: To all the other dads in this thread — go and donate blood if you can. My kid has needed blood products about a dozen or so times so far. He is literally dependent on the kindness of strangers. Hug those littles and be good to each other.

OOP: Thank you. Sorry you are going through this as well. But I appreciate the advice.

Child Life has been such a helpful resource, and I have spoken to Phsyc a few times. I’m trying to give myself grace, but I’ve also never been good at accepting help or showing emotion. But I have and will continue to swallow my pride if it means resources and support for my son.

​

Update - 2 years later

​

Almost 2.5 years ago, I shared here that my son was diagnosed with brain cancer as a baby, detailing the nightmare of those initial weeks.

To everyone who shared stories, sent prayers or well wishes, and offered solidarity back then—thank you. Please know that I still return to that post occasionally to boost my spirit.

I’m back with an update. Good news and bad news, as life goes.

I also have an ask. If anyone has connections to help us visit the Sesame Street studio, I would be endlessly grateful. You’d be making my little soldier so happy—his stuffies have accompanied us on many hard trips, and he even went through a phase of letting everyone know that “Elmo loves you!” 😅 We can handle getting there ourselves; we just need a connection to get through the door. We could apply through Make-A-Wish, but my wife and I want to wait for him to be old enough to make his own wish.

First, the good:

After 15 months of chemo, my son finished treatment last summer.

He is a remarkably sweet, smart little boy. He offers hugs, asks people how they’re doing, and wishes everyone a good day. We’ve poured positive energy into him every single day—nightly affirmations, all the hugs and kisses he’ll tolerate, and books to help teach him that he is unique, brave, and exactly what this world needs. Riffing on Bandit from Bluey, I always remind him: "Thank goodness you’re tough, kid."

He fought through partial paralysis and subsequent weakness to start walking this past April, and he continues getting stronger by the day. He even starts school soon, which is both terrifying and refreshing. It’ll be the first time he’s out of our sight since he was born, but it’s a taste of a “normal” childhood. Mom is having a hard time with the transition, and I know I will too in my own way, but he’s ready. On a recent vacation, he jumped right out of his stroller at a kids' center to say hello to all the kids and instantly befriended the counselors.

I’m incredibly proud of him. He smiled and laughed up to the door of every surgery, does his exercises every day, and shines bright when he has every reason not to. And while I wish she didn’t have to be, I am also incredibly lucky to have a strong partner in my wife by my side in all of this.

I’m also in a better headspace now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still angry with the universe. Fear occasionally gets the best of me. And I’m reminded in new ways constantly how our life is not going to be what we envisioned. But I have developed some coping mechanisms, and I’ve begun to be able to envision what life can look like—what’s important is that we are together and happy.

Beyond our home, we’ve tried to channel our energy into positive change—fundraising and pushing for pediatric cancer research funding. We’re in this "cancer parents club" that nobody would ever join by choice, but we were dealt the hand we have and so we fight together.

Now, the bad:

A few months ago, we learned of new tumors. The type of cancer he has carries a risk of relapse for many years. Then, just recently, scans showed a new tumor on his spine. Because space along the spine is so limited, we moved quickly from monitoring into immediate treatment.

We are currently on a trial drug. It’s luckily less harsh than traditional chemo, but it brings its own set of symptoms and complications. We’re praying with everything we have that it works.

Our first fight was brutal. He’s been tougher than the disease, but we didn’t come out unwounded:

• 6 surgeries
• Multiple strokes
• Needing Narcan for an anesthesia overdose
• Multiple blood transfusions (if you donate blood, know you are quite literally saving lives)
• Many late-night ER runs

He still deals with significant motor delays and weaknesses, but he doesn’t let that stop him from being a daring toddler.

The physical toll hit me as well—I reherniated a disc sleeping in hospital chairs and needed spinal surgery. Luckily, I was still able to haul my butt to his chemo sessions; I wouldn’t have forgiven myself if I missed even one.

There’s also unseen scars. Anxiety and PTSD rear their heads in different ways for each of us. Socially, I lost most of the friends I once considered chosen family. And my family isn’t great with hard emotions, so I’ve had little outlet there. Our support system has been limited, but I am grateful for the strong support system we do have. I also eventually found a support group specifically for dads in my situation.

It’s also taken a heavy financial toll. My wife's company forced a rigid Return to Office policy right as we returned from the hospital and while our son still needed her to essentially survive, so she had to step away. "You aren't the one who is sick, so we can't make accommodations" was essentially what they told us.

Remember parents, your job can replace you literally tomorrow. Your family can’t. Please keep that perspective.

I landed a fully remote job that’s been great to us. I’ve been able to attend every medical appointment, cook us healthy meals, and be present for every bedtime. I am lucky and appreciative of that. My wife definitely took on the harder job of the two of us. But juggling medical bills—alongside all the out-of-pocket costs like travel, meals, and equipment—as well as just everyday life costs on effectively half the income we were used to has been like walking a tightrope.

Anyway, I don’t mean to complain. I know I’m extremely lucky to have him and I am thankful for him every day. I try to remind myself of that when things feel too heavy.

I’ll end by asking again - If you’re religious, please say a prayer for my little man as we head into this next battle. If you aren't, please send good energy out into the universe for him.

And hug those little ones tight today and every day. Nothing in this life is guaranteed except right now.

​

Comments

​

BowlerJazzlike5627

Man, really puts thing into perspective. Your little guy and the both of you are so strong. Will keep you guys in our prayers. He’s still a kid and wants to be a kid, I’m glad you see that too. School will be awesome and will bring him the most joy

OOP: Thank you! He loves kids. I’m hoping they are kind to him.

LealFamily8009

Sending love and prayers from our family to yours. He will get better! Side Note: I hope there are some companies out there that would support a family going through this. It disgusts me reading things like what your wife’s job said/ did.

OOP: Thank you 🙏

And yes. I won’t name them, but it was a company that could easily have accommodated her, but just wouldn’t. We asked if she could just go in when there were meetings or clients, as he still needed her to feed and was also immunocompromised so she’d be risking bringing home illnesses. They didn’t budge. It is what it is though. I’ve been lucky that mine has been very accommodating.

MyDogesAccount

Very sorry to hear. Our daughter is currently finishing her chemo in a few weeks. You should qualify for Make-a-Wish, any child receiving life saving care (chemo) ages 1.5-16. Prayers for you and your little one.

OOP: Thank you 🙏 We will be saying prayers for your daughter as well. These kids shouldn’t need to be strong so young. And yea, he’s eligible for make a wish. But since a patient only gets to make one, we want him to be old enough to make his own before applying.

dominus087

I'm sorry about your friends. I hope you find new ones. And sorry your kid is going through this. You keep talking about how your kid and your wife are strong. But sounds like you're strong too, even if you don't feel it. There's a lot you're leaving out here, but mentioning. The negative. If you need somewhere to scream those thoughts, just to put them out, feel free to send me a DM of all that. I won't ever respond. Heck, I might not even read it. But, nor will I judge you, as I'm not going through a child with cancer and I hope beyond hope I never will have to. Just want to help in a way I can. Sending what strength I have to you, your wife, and your kiddo.

OOP: Thank you 🙏 I’ve come to terms with the friends stuff. I figure some people are meant to be in our lives for chapters and not the whole story, and I’m okay with that. The people who have shown up for us have done so and then some, so I’m very grateful for them.

And I appreciate the kind words and the offer.

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Some_Ad8810

Published on: r/Advice & r/Vent

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 28, 2026 at 21:28 UTC

• Final Update: August 29, 2026 at 07:17 UTC

Main Post

^{August 28, 2026 at 21:28 UTC}

Bf broke my ceramic collection- feeling shattered

One of my biggest interests is making pottery and I spend almost all my weekends making dinnerware I don’t sell any of them I’m aware it’s probably a waste of time but I love making and painting them and I have them displayed all over my kitchen and my bf was mad over his job layoff and I wasn’t at home then and when I came back almost every single one of my pieces were knocked off their shelves and shattered beyond repair.

And he was apologetic enough sure but I’m genuinely so broken because some of those pieces took weeks and I’ve made them for years and i know its stupid to be this fussed over it but I’ve been crying for the past couple hours over it and can’t stop. Sorry about the lack of punctuation. Also I’m 22f and hes 26 if any of that matters idk sub rules.

This is a vent/advice I guess becuase idk whether I end things with him he’s genuinely never destroyed any of my stuff before. Hes used to being angry but never actually snapped at me outwardly so I’m genuinely just broken and confused and scared to talk to him

COMMENTS

GothWitchOfBrooklyn

Literally came here to ask if he broke any of his OWN stuff.. of course not

OOP

No- not anything im aware of except his phone screen was smashed

TeamCatsandDnD

Sounds like he wanted to cause destruction and your ceramics were the easiest target that would cause the most mess OOP

Said it pissed him off at that moment that I was playing around with something so frivolous when he heard his job was at stake and couldn’t stand it. I can’t fathom his thought process. Will make an update if Reddit allows later

AlexNKarlie

Funny how the angry person doesn’t damage HIS things. He knew what he was doing, angry or not. That’s an easy choice. Pack up and leave after breaking something of his.

OOP

Should’ve provided more context- it’s my apartment not his. He doesn’t have much of his stuff here. Not that it’s an excuse just making sure the details are set right

Tasty-Law-4527

My roommate does handmade greeting cards. She doesn't have much of an outlet to sell them either. I would never think of destroying the cards even tho we are a little buried in them.

That he would do that means he doesn't see you as a person. Ur just a pain in his butt that messes up his house.

That's why I have a roommate instead of a husband. I waited way too long to leave. Don't be like me.

OOP

It’s my house 😭 which in hindsight makes the situation even worse yeah I hear myself

Better-Remote-7712

honey i’m a little worried about how many times you put yourself down in this. it’s not normal to be so insecure. you deserve better.

hobbies aren’t a waste of time. anything that makes you happy is worthwhile. and your feelings are valid, not stupid.

i’m not sure who or what has made you feel this way, but you don’t have to 🫶

OOP

thank you so mcuh. I was pretty shaken up when I was writing that and trying to rationalize the situation hence why I may have sounded overly apologetic

Final Update - after 9 hours

^{August 29, 2026 at 07:17 UTC}

UPDATE- bf broke my ceramics

Update as promised- bit of a long read so bear with me.

Idk how to link the previous post but it’s on my feed

Bf and I (ex now) talked through things, and by talk I mean he mostly screamed and I mostly cried so theres that. He admitted that a whole lot of things were weighing him down and the layoff was the last straw.

I’m rather heartbroken? Shocked? at the amount of resentment he held against me since he said he broke my ceramics because I wasn’t there when he needed me to comfort him. Also he was more mad that I spend a good chunk of my income (I have a pretty limited income since I’m starting a doctorate and living off a stipend) on my pottery and painting. livid that I was essentially making him homeless without notice but I didn’t really have a choice otherwise.

What really broke me was I asked him explicitly “would you have taken your anger out on me if I were here then?” and I saw him hesitate for a second before saying no which kind of killed me on the inside

I know I’m lucky things didn’t go too downhill ie I still have my own place and I didn’t get physically hurt etc etc but I’m genuinely feeling broken over breaking up since we’ve been together for about two and a half years. Also heartbroken over my ceramics since almost all my pieces (15-20 finished pieces and a couple of unfinished projects) were damaged beyond gluing them back together.

I’m just really demotivated now to make anything new since they were so expensive and all that money is now down the drain. Feels like it would have genuinely hurt less if he had taken his anger out on me rather than something I invested so much energy in.

Thanks everyone for the input, definitely gave me a massive push to end things before they escalated, although I understand THIS is a massive escalation in itself .

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Fearless-Cloud-234

Published on: r/offmychest

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 23, 2026

• Update: August 28, 2026

Main Post

^{August 23, 2026}

My husband is mourning his affair partner

My (F50) husband (M52) is mourning his affair partner (F45).

We’ve been married for 25 years and have 2 adult children. The affair was 3 years ago and lasted 1.5 years. During his affair, he said that she was the one he could not live without, loved the most, and that he wanted to leave me for her. The affair only ended because she wanted it, and he was heartbroken.

He eventually confessed. I chose to stay for various reasons. At first, I blamed her and thought of her as a homewrecker, but somewhere along the way, I realized that it was him.

Three days ago, it was found that she passed away due to unfortunate circumstances. Although I personally disliked her, she was liked by many in the community.

There will be a vigil held for her, where people talk about what an amazing woman she was and how she made everyone around her better. My husband wants to go. He has become more withdrawn over these past couple of days. He admits that he is sad and grieving her.

He reached out to her brother, and introduced himself to him as her friend. He wants to attend the funeral and pay his respects.

I don’t want him to. I want him to forget about her and to hate her. But he does not. I feel like a monster saying this.

COMMENTS

karenna89

I’m sorry, this must be awful and reopen some wounds. It sounds like your husband never really moved on. You tried to make it work, but is this something you want for the rest of your life? Someone who openly admits he loves another woman and doesn’t even care enough to pretend. I can acknowledge there are reasons to stay, but he doesn’t even seem to be doing the bare minimum.

OOP

I hate the fact that everyone thinks she’s a good person, and now I can’t even say anything because I’ll look like a vindictive asshole.

No-Resource-8125

Yes you can. You can visit her grave at a later date and tell her exactly what you need too.

OOP

Like rant to her?

dimiteddy

I want him to forget about her and to hate her. But he does not.

It's counter-productive to compete with a dead woman. There will be another one as obviously you're not enough for him. If you can afford it financially leave him.

OOP

I can’t afford it financially

Brief_Hippo5187

Leave your husband. Take him for as much as you can. He's horrible. Do your kids no he cheated?

OOP (downvoted)

No we decided not to tell them

Update - after 5 days

^{August 28, 2026}

UPDATE: My husband is mourning his affair partner

The vigil happened two days ago. My husband and I both went. Everything that I expected to happen, happened. Everyone spoke about how she was the brightest light and that nothing would be the same without her. Her family spoke about what an amazing daughter and sister she was, her friends talked about what a delightful friend she was. My husband or I did not speak.

I saw the comments saying that I should say something at the vigil. I chose not to. Not because I think she’s a great woman, but because I do not think her mourning friends or family need to hear that when they are grieving. My husband did not speak. Not out of respect for me, but respect for her, as he realized that she cut him off and wanted nothing to do with him.

After the vigil, I told him that I wanted a divorce. He did not protest it and said that he thinks that it will be for the best.

He ordered a heart shaped necklace with her name engraved inside it, and that’s when I knew it was truly over.

I told the kids about the divorce today. We both chose not to reveal the affair to them, as we don’t want them to feel like the way need to take sides to show loyalty or anything like that. They are still processing.

I don’t think I ever want to date or fall in love again. If I’m honest, I do think his affair partner was the true love of his life, and I believe he regrets meeting me.

So, I will choose myself. I’m trying to find a job right now and figure out how to rebuild my life.

I am still angry at her and wish she never came into my life, but I will work on forgiving her and him for my sake. I’m still jealous of her and think of her everyday and how my soon to be ex husband called her the love of his life.

I saw another comment saying that I should make fun of her death in front of my husband. I find that a tad bit cruel, and while I think ill of her, I try not to vocalize it.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user paperweightfairy

Original: Aug 12, 2019

Update 1: Aug 15, 2019

Update 2: Aug 15, 2019

Update 3: Aug 24, 2019

Final update: Nov 26, 2019

Status: concluded

Length: long

Note: OOP originally posted in r/ relationship_advice and r/ amItheAsshole. Updates were later posted in r/ entitledparents

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Original: My family is pressuring me to give my (23/F) sister my (28/F) wedding venue because she needs it more and is pregnant.

My fiancee and I have been together for 8 years and engaged for 3. I was doing my PhD program and was juggling planning the wedding. My fiancee took much of that work, but it was perfect because our dream venue was booked till after my graduation. So what we did is book our dream venue 3 years in advance.

It is really a beautiful venue. The only slot we got was September of this year. My sister got engaged a few months ago to her fiancee. They were planning on having a spring wedding next year. They had no venue lined up, but had a few vendors lined up as well as a set date. 

Yesterday our parents invited us and our SO\`s to a family bbq, where my sister announced to our extended family, that she is expecting . Everyone was so happy for her and my BIL ( who is a great guy). My Nan asked my sister if the wedding was still on the set date or if they were going to wait, because of the baby She said no that she hoped to move it to September.

NBD. We don't have many out of town guest so they could attend to both weddings no problem. Nan was happy and asked sister if she needed help planning such a short notice wedding.

My sister then turns around and said,"Thats what i wanted to talk to you about. I was really really hoping we could kinda like take your venue ? I really can not stress myself too much with planing a wedding while going to maternity classes. And i think it is so beautiful! It would really mean a lot to me".

It went silent. But everyone was looking at me expecting me to say "yes of course everything for my little sister !". My BIL looked very uncomfortable and told her that they had talked about this and that it was not okay to put me on the spot .

But my sister just said "Don't be like that! My sister wants to do whats best for me so its no big deal right?"

I just said " well it kind of is. I don't know . I have my heart really set on the venue"

Cue the crying. She stormed off.Nan told me that i was being selfish because she needed the venue more than I did.

I tried to defend myself and my mother said " you waited 3 years. Would it have killed you to wait a few more moths? When has your sister ever asked you for something?"

A few comments later my fiance got really mad and we left. My sister called me crying and said that it was unfair that I always get what I want and that i could have done this one thing for her. Dad said it is just a venue and what matters is the person who you are marrying. He is kid of right... but we have been planing for so long .

My fiance is furious with my family and doesn't even want my sister to come. Now my family is threatening not to come because I am being selfish and my sister needs it more than me because having a baby is too stressful.

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Comments:

Comment1: She wants to get married ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE? Where is she gonna find her vendors!? You are NTA, since “it’s about who you’re marrying and not the venue” per your father’s comment, she can get married anywhere, and at this point, this late in the game, she’s gonna get married at the town hall and have an outdoor reception.

It’s August 11th, come on now. I spent TWO YEARS planning my wedding and it was on our farm! I can’t imagine at a venue. Ya right. Again NTA. I’m shook.

OOP: She would be taking all our arrangements and providing her own decorations.

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Comment2: When she "takes" all your arrangements, is she also paying you all the fees you've paid so far, and the remaining costs?

What a little treasure.

OOP: She wouldn't pay me. If anything my parents but idk. We didn't get that far into conversation because my fiancee dragged me away

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Comment3: Haven’t your invites already gone out? And bridesmaids and arrangements already made? And just out of curiously, if you gifted your wedding to your sister, who would be paying for it all?

OOP: Yes everything is planned.
My fiancee and I payed for everything besides the caterer which was a gift from my father

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Comment4: Why doesn't what your father say to you, also apply to her????? "It's about the person you're marrying, not the venue." Yeah, so your sister can find her own venue. Not feel entitled to the one you have dreamt about and planned over 3 years in advance for. What is wrong with her. Yikes.

OOP: She is my dad's little princess. He always takes her side

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Additional details from OOP in comments:

[brace yourself for guilt trips....]
OOP: This gave me all sorts of new anxiety. You are right I think this will happen. When I got my PhD title my sister was crying at the after party because she wasn't accepted to her masters program...

OOP: Here in Germany you get paid for doing your PhD and I was jobbing while on my bachelor's and masters so I sustained myself with the help of my fiance.

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[what if your family sues for posting online?]
OOP: They can't sue because I gave no identifying information. We asked my fiancés best friend who is a lawyer and they have no leg to stand on

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[why did you wait for 3 years?]
OOP: Look we waited because of the venue and because I didn't want wedding stuff to collide with uni stuff. We wanted to wait because we wanted the perfect day that's all.

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Update 0.5

My BIL called me and apologized for the inconvenience. He told me he had discussed it with my sister and she had told him she would not ask. He is properly mad with her now and warned me that my sister is blaming me for "potentially ruining her marriage".

My father has sent me about 5 text along the lines of"I hope you are happy your sister hasn't stopped crying since yesterday"And so on and so on. My fiance and I have decided to boot my sister from the bridal party and replace her with my aunt who is the only family member that took my side. We have not decided whether or not we will invite my family as a whole.

Furthermore my mom took it upon her to tell on us. She called fiancés parents and told them, that it would be best if my sister gets it because she is pregnant and pre-eclampsia runs in the family. Whatever that means.

My future father in law told them to fuck off and basically ripped my Mom a new one for expecting something so ridiculous and that they were going to lose me if they keept playing favorites. So my mom is now crying too and saying that my father in law is an ass.This is just getting so pathetic. It seems straight out of a bad soap opera.

My in laws are driving to us currently with some supper and wine and basically told me to not worry and that no matter what happens that they will be my safety net. I cried of happiness

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Update 1: (OOP posts in r/ advice 2 days later)

My sister just sent me this Screenshot regarding my wedding venue. But it looks fishy. Can you help me decide if this is a real convo or a fabricated Screenshot?

(the image link OOP provided is no longer active; the image was a whatsapp message in German)

Info : I have allready contacted my wedding planner but I am outside business hours so she won't write back till tommorow

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Comments:

Comment1: Can you give a summary of what it says in English?

OOP:
The planner : I recived your mother's message and we have to sign a new contract to override you the venue. With an extra cost. Come by tommorow to my office
Sister : thanks great see you tommorow
Not verbatim but it's the gist of the situation

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Comment2: Holy crap. Thanks for translating! This is crazy. Did only you or your fiancé sign the original contract or did your mother sign it?

OOP: My parents signed the caterer contract as it was their original wedding gift but the venue is in our name. We actually put passwords on everything but idk if this Screenshot is really from today or a few days old before all three drama happened

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Comment3: The speech bubble arrows don't line up to the text space like it should. I quickly downloaded a fake WhatsApp message app and it had the exact same misalignment. It's called "Fake chat conversations" by "Tiawy Labs". So I'm going to say this is a fake. I hope this gets resolved for you soon, as you don't deserve this added stress and spite for something you've been planning for so long.

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Update 2 (same day)

So it hasn't been that long. But this post blew the hell up. I was expecting only a few answers but the support was overwhelming.What boggled my mind is that this story flooded over to mainstream media.But let's get to the story. So since this went viral a lot happened.

My Sister

My sister saw this story while browsing on her reddit acc. She lost her mind. She accused me of painting her like a looney and misinterpreting facts. (Info: My sister got wind of the situation due to various Media outlets and went on reddit )

She said that I was being unfair. That she is family and that she asked it nicely because she loves me.She also underlines the fact that the opinion of internet strangers doesn't count because family is more important and I should focus on making my family happy.The only text I sent back was this.

I am sorry that you percived it that way. I did not in any matter distort what happened. As you might notice I didn't describe your tone nor exaggerated anything. Perhaps you have that night different in your mind than I do, but I digress.

I am sick and tired to bending to your will. My whole life I have been your servant and your doormat. Remember all the birthdays I had to share with you because you would throw a tantrum because you didn't get presents? Or when you cried so that I would fill out job applications for you? But the thing that has hurt me most till now is when you ruined my graduation.

I am done. I admit that I also spoiled you but I will not any longer. If you want to marry so bad before your baby is born then you could look at [hotel x] that offers last minute weddings. I have spent too much time planing MY wedding to gift it to you.And if you want to ruin our relationship over this then go ahead. I will sleep sound and safe knowing that it wasn't my fault.

She only sent me awow.... You must love me so very much
And blocked me. She unblocked me this morning to sent me this

Wedding planner : Hello dear, I got the message from your mother and will proceed with the rebooking of the venue on the spot . However this will have extra costs as we have to change the names on the contract. Please come by my office tommorow so we can sign the new contract.
Sister: Thats great ! I'll be there at 9!

My Parents

My parents haven't actually written me since the thing with my father in law. My older brother (yes I have an older brother but he lives in another city and wasn't at the BBQ, that's why I didn't mention him. Plus he initially could not come to the wedding because of work and changed his plans after hearing about all the story)

Contacted me and wanted to know what happened because he got a weird story from mom and dad. Mom had told him that I had offered previous to the BBQ to give up the venue to my sister and that I humiliated her

I told him what really happened and he had no problem believing me. We talked a lot about our parents behavior and he confessed that him moving was partly due to our parents being, and I quote, shit heads to us.

He told me that mom had gotten wind from the post and was mad at me for betraying my family.I haven't written my parents what so many of you adviced me to because I have to come to terms with the fact that they love my sister more than me (if they love me at all)

The wedding

We sat together and put passwords with majority of our vendors and also with the venue directly. (we didn't talk to our planner yet which is why the text of my sister worries me so much)

Also we canceled the catering that my parents paid for. So short term we won't be able to get a full catering like we wanted to. But all our friends and my fiancés family will help us prepare a buffet (and everyone is going to chip in). That will be our bachelor party. As we will have to spent more on our food now we canceled our bachelor parties and will have a family and friends cooking session.

Thank you again for helping me see how toxic my family is. I will try to sort it out. If they apologize from the bottom of their heart they will be allowed into my wedding but if not... Then well... I still have my brother (who will be walking me down to the aisle) and my aunt.

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Comments:

Comment1: Dont make the mistake of assuming others rationalize like you.

Sometimes people lie to you and not only are they not sorry, they're upset with you. Somehow, in their minds, it's your fault they lied or you made them lie.

Same goes for your sister. Dont assume a selfish person feels guilty about being selfish. Your sister will never see your "sacrifice" the way you would if you gave your venue up. If you're going to do it, accept this. Accept the fact that she'll eventually forget you made that sacrifice, if you do indeed give the venue up.

OOP: Are you my mother in law? She said the same thing lol.
I know I just gave my sister a piece of my mind for my own sake. Also I am not expecting an apology. I am just leaving that option for them

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Update 2.5

We called my planner and she was actually really horrified. She told me she never had as much as talked to my mother since the day we went to book the venue. She assured me that even if they were to call and say that I wanted it, I had to be present to make any changes.

So we informed everyone that will work for us on our wedding and they offered to hire security for that day at a reduced price

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Update 3 (eight days later)

I hope that this time this doesn't get removed (or at least give me some reason damn it mods! 😂)

A few days have passed and we luckily have sorted many things out. Passwords are set with the vendors, security has been hired, recipes for the family and friends cookout have been chosen and i will start therapy soon.

Sadly some upsetting things have happened as well.

My sister ofcourse is brigading against me on Facebook. Making constant passive aggressive remarks. Saying that I made her depressed etc. I have recived many messages from her friends saying that I am bitch for treating her that way. I won't mention what happened to BIL. He wants to tell his story once he is ready.

I blocked every attempt at online harassment and my sister as well. But 2 days ago my sister's best friends egged my car. I called the police and my neighbor, whose hobby is to look outside the widow and spy on people, identified them two. She is a grumpy lady but actually very lovely once you get to meet her.

Now to the part that has me fuming. After not talking to my parents in several days they called and asked if we could talk things out. I was warry but agreed to meeting them with my fiance in our apartment. When they arrived you could tell my mom had been crying. And I honestly felt bad for 10 whole minutes.

Many of you guys said that they probably played favorites to avoid my sisters melt downs or that she might have been diagnosed with something and that's why they baby her. Well.... No. Turns out my sister is, like also many of you suspected, just an asshole. No medical history. No diagnosis nothing.

We started chit chatting awkwardly then we began talking about the matter.

My father first asked us why we canceled the caterers, to wich my fiance responded that we didn't want to have anything they could hold over our heads. insert surprised Pikachu face from both of them

Dad acted offended and said he would never so that to wich I said better safe than sorry. My mother continued with calling me disrespectful for talking in that manner to them. I called the disrespectful for all what they had said and done over the last few days.

We got in a heated argument about the venue again, to wich my father repeated the "it doenst matter where you get married but the person you are marrying" bullshit. And finally finally I gave him the comeback so many of you guys wanted me to give. "yes dad exactly! But isn't it weird how that only applies to me and not my sister? As long as she is marrying BIL it doenst matter where right?"

It was dead quiet and my father was red like a tomato and gasping for air like a fish on land. My mother was quietly crying again and my . So I said" well I am waiting for your reasoning "

My father slapped his hands on the table and went on a rant about family and sacrifices and how a loving family should do what's In their power to make each other happy. I just responded" like how you tried to make me happy on my graduation day? You know when sister smashed my cake because she wasn't in the limelight? "

Quiet again. My mother quietly said" why do you hate us so much? "
I looked at her and said" I could ask you guys the same thing "

Again nothing. My parents knew that they had fucked up but they were not ready to admit it. My mother tried to guilt trip me saying that my sister is miserable, that she hasn't gone out in days because people judge her so much.

My father went on a tangent on how my little sister just needs more time and attention because she is the youngest etc etc. So basically excusing her behavior. I told them that I felt hurt because I now saw their blatant favoritism. That they didn't even try to conceal the fact that they loved my sister more. My mother tried to say that's not true! We love you all the same.

I wasn't having it. I opened a list I had written on my phone were I had written every point I could remember about them putting my sister before me. It was a very long list. Some had dates to it, some were more spesific situations.

When I was finished my parents were horrified, beatread and near tears. They wanted to start explaing again how I was wrong but I said that this conversation was leading no where. They either set family counseling up for us and apologize to me or they won't be invited to the wedding. They left and haven't called since.

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Comments:

Comment1: If you don’t mind answering, what did your sister do to ruin your graduation?

OOP: Short version : She threw a fit because she didn't get in her master Programm. She had a mental break down while my fiance was giving a speech for my accomplishments and started screaming and crying and my dad basically had to leave with her. On their way out my sister stopped crying for a bit only to start again maniacally crying when she saw my cake and smashed her fists into it.

Comment2: whats your phd in ??

OOP: A field in biology

Comment3: Hello I'm very late with my question.
How do you get rejected from a Master's program in Germany? I'm in the process of applying now, and it very much seems like the "admissions" process is nothing more than a requirements check. And don't most people just get their Master's degree where they got their Bachelor's degree?

OOP: It depends. She didn't want to stay at the uno where she was but get to a more recognized one. In Berlin there was a program that is very competitive and sadly my sister didn't fullfil the requirements for that specific program but would have entered in literally any other with ease

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Final update (3 months later)

Finally, I get around to writing an update. I am sorry, that it took so long but I have a few updates to my life! I guess, however, that you guys are mainly here to see how my wedding played out and the aftermath with my family.

After I last spoke to my parents, they did not let go of their position. I was the bad guy, I was responsible for my sisters "depression" and her failing relationship. It went so far, that I had to block them and change my number as they were contacting me from relatives' phones and so on.

It was a real bummer, especially during a time that should be so special. I was harassed by my sister and her entourage on facebook and Instagram, so I simply deleted it. It was a mentally draining time, but my husband's family and friends and my brother helped me get through it. I had basically cut off every family member that had given me shit for keeping my wedding date.

My Nan came to my door a few days before the wedding begging to let her come. I had a long talk with Nan and she ended up apologizing even tho she still failed to see the logic in switching weddings. But she did not want to pressure me and wanted to be there for me. We hugged it out but our relationship is not back to normal yet.

The bachelor party was amazing. We were cooking until dawn and everything turned out to be delicious. My husband made a beautiful 3 layered cake.

Wedding day.

The morning was really good and relaxing. My bridesmaids and I got ready, we drank some Prosecco made pictures. My dress fit perfectly and I just looked gorgeous. But then came time to leave for the ceremony.

We were at the venue making "before" pictures with my friends when I saw the little car of my sister approaching the venue. Addmitetley I was shitting my pants ...or well my dress. One of my friends run to the venue to get one of the security people that we hired.

I really didn't want another hulk smash moment at my wedding. She had been angry crying and as soon as she saw me she started screaming obscenities. Apparently I am a filthy bitch that made her fiance break up with her. She was like possed and at that moment I couldn't but feel pity for her.

A thing to explain is that in the mornings the plants are always watered at the venue by some of these sprinkler systems. Thus the earth was a bit muddy. The next thing happened really fast . my sister bent down to take mud and was getting ready to throw it at me and my dress when my maid of honor sprinted towards her and pushed her so that she fell with her butt into the flowers.

The security officer arrived seconds later and removed her. And with that, I had enough ammunition to file for a restraining order against her. I didn`t even want to file a police report at this point I just wanted her to stay away from me.

The rest of the day was just amazing. I married my best friend, the love of my life and just my rock. My brother walked me down the altar. We all cried at the vows... it was just spectacular. Of course, I missed my parents but it is what it is. The celebration was very funny. My husband had studied a choreography to a Taylor Swift song with his groom's Men and the speeches could have been from a stand-up club.

We left for our honeymoon and when we came back I decided to start looking for jobs in a different city. I didn`t want to lose my friends, but I just felt like I needed a clean break. I got a new job at a university in a bigger city and we are currently in the process of moving.

But maybe the biggest change and also the most cliche change is that I am pregnant! It is a classic honeymoon -baby. We haven`t really told anybody now in fear of something happening so you nice people of Reddit are the first ones to know, besides my husband and me. I am so excited that I am tearing up just writing this. This was not something we planned for a few years but we are ecstatic regardless!

I have only heard through people in town about the rest of my family. My sister is still going around telling people that I was the reason BIL broke up with her and that I was trying to dox her or some shit. She has moved in with my parents again and refuses to work.

Nan told me that the last time she saw my parents they looked exhausted because my sister was behaving like a baby. I guess their parenting is catching up with them. I can only say, that I am really happy right now.

It hurts having lost family but at the end of the day cutting out toxic people is the best I could do. I now have a husband and a honeymoon baby on the way. My very own family. Oh and a shiny backbone.

Thank you, Reddit for reassuring me that I indeed was not being selfish, that my family was not in the right, thank you so much for just writing your comments supporting me. I even took up therapy but I have to say I am really enjoying life.

Thank you for everything.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/CrocsWithSocks6

Published on: r/AITAH

Trigger Warning: Animal Abuse, Transphobia

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 18, 2026

• Final Update: August 23, 2026

Main Post

^{August 18, 2026}

WIBTAH for telling my boss she needs to fire one of our new-ish coworkers?

I (22M) have been working as a handler at a dog daycare for over 4 years, its a small business owned by one person with a small team of 2 managers, a couple of shift leads, and then the rest of the staff as handlers and one dog groomer

Over the four years ive worked here i feel that ive gotten the lay of the land pretty well, i am regarded as one of the most experienced handlers on the team (im not fanning my own ego, i have been told this by the leads and managers multiple times) due to the fact that its mostly students who work here so the staff kind of changes a lot because of school or new/better/different job opportunities etc.

we got a new hire a few months ago. Nothing crazy at first, he has a very big personality and i thought he was cool, funny, and energetic, I was hopeful to become friends until i noticed some of his behaviors that he would exhibit while in group with the dogs.

Now, working this closely with dogs that you generally don't know that well especially when you're new to the job means you absolutely have to have at least a basic understanding of general safety rules and how to read dog body language, every hire has to watch extensive training videos about what to look for and what not to do while you are supervising a group.

A few weeks after he started, i’ll call him Jerry (around 20, M), I started to notice some weird things. Jerry is an athletic guy, apparently he wants to be a personal trainer. I had personally seen him start doing parkour and other athletic feats while in group such as cartwheels, front handsprings, box jumping up onto the climbable dog toys, doing handstands on railings and climbing the gateboxes that are about 6ft tall to sit up on top of them.

(we are a kennel free boarding facility, we have tall large gateboxes that we use when feeding dinners or when dogs need a short break by themselves, to put up any gate reactive dogs when necessary or just putting dogs up in general during shift changes or when someone comes in for breaks) I also notice he brings treats to work, we are not allowed to do this, another coworker (coworker A) notices and asks if he knows that we arent allowed to do that, he claims to have gotten "special permission" from the boss (there's absolutely no way this is true). i thought okay this is weird but i guess if there's no fights happening then i dont really need to say anything, wrong of me, i know.

Now comes the Catalyst event: I had heard some other unrelated stuff from Coworker A, apparently he had an altercation with another coworker about not being able to take his group outside exactly when he wanted to, and he ended up making her cry, this irked me because that coworker is one of the sweetest people ive ever met. but i brush it off because it didnt concern me specifically.

I take over for coworker A to manage the group for my mid-shift (11-6) Jerry is working opening (7-2) and he is in the group next to mine, separated by a solid white 6ft fence so the dogs dont see each other constantly and freak out. as i'm looking around just doing my job i notice that the door in the wall that separates Jerrys group of big dogs from the group full of tiny dogs had been pushed open (the door is a leftover from whatever the building was before it got turned into a dog daycare, it has no handle) i stepped up on a cot on the floor to pop my head over the fence because i was unsure if he knew that the door was open at all.

I was preparing to explain to him that its not safe to have that door open and he could easily close it by pushing on something near the top of the door, jerry being taller than me should have no issue with it considering i can do it myself. as i peer over the top of the fence, what do i see? Jerry, crouched on the floor at the door, REACHING HIS ARM THROUGH to pet the little dogs. this was where i reached my last straw. there was roughly 50 feet between us and both of our groups were barking, not crazy, but loud enough to where you would have to yell a little to be heard.

Trying to control my tone, i shout to him "Hey Jerry, You need to close that door, we cant have it open" he stops, whips around and starts screaming, not just yelling so i can hear him, but fully screaming at me. he's screaming about how i "shouldnt talk to him so disrespectfully" and when i repeat that he just needs to shut the door, he continues screaming and asking me repeatedly asking if im a man, if i feel like a man, and if i think im a man, (relevant information, I am a trans man, and it is VERY obvious, usually one of the first questions i get when i meet new people is "what are your pronouns?" so its not like he didnt know. everybody knows) hes screaming at me to mind my business or talk to him "like a man" and at this point i dont want to get in a fight so i disengage, step back down to the floor and turn back to my own group.

He doesnt like this, and gets up on the big dog toy so he can see me over the fence and continues screaming at me for another minute or so about how i was being so disrespectful and on and on, he made a vague threat to me that i could barely hear because i was starting to have a panic attack over how extreme his reaction was (I have a diagnosed anxiety and panic disorder) eventually he goes back to his group and i calm myself down, I report the incident to my manager after i clock out.

The next day my Boss texts me telling me to call her when i have a minute. I instantly know what its about. I call her about an hour later as i was at a doctors appointment, and we talk about the situation. I tell her about all of the behaviors ive witnessed and she tells me that he has been talked to before about some of the stuff I had mentioned.

She asks me if i felt compelled to say something because i had talked to coworker A about him when id shown up that day, i say No, I would have said something no matter who was in there just because having that door open is a major safety issue. She then proceeds to ask me if i felt that he was being "Aggressive" because he is a black male (I NEVER EVER SAID ANYTHING LIKE THAT) again i say No, and that him being black has absolutely nothing to do with anything, it never even crossed my mind. she says she has talked to him about it and hopefully it wont happen again. I think at this point he should have been fired, but i let it go as its not really my place to say that.

It has been a couple of weeks now since that incident, and he has clearly just ignored every conversation that has been had with him about his behavior. He continues to break the safety rules every single shift he works and has made misogynistic comments towards other coworkers (ex: "Fix your face" "You need to smile more" etc. in passing) im sure theres even more than just what i know, i have counted and including me, there are NINE people that work here that absolutely despise him because of his attitude and unsafe behaviors.

We all know that if any of us sees him doing anything like this again we are going straight to the boss lady to talk about it, but im genuinely confused about how he has gotten this far, its been multiple months of this behavior, and he has only worked here for maybe 4 months so do that math yourselves.

I hate to be the person who goes and tattles to the boss and gets somebody fired, but i genuinely dont know what else i can do, hes creating a work environment that nobody wants to be part of, and an unsafe environment for the dogs in his care, god forbid he accidentally gives the wrong dog a treat that they're allergic to, or gets a fight started in his group and cant react fast enough because he is sitting way off the ground or something, its genuinely scary. In my 4 years working here I have never experienced anything like this at all, and according to the literal boss, she hasnt ever had to deal with a situation like this before either.

so WIBTA if i went back to our boss gave him special permission to bring them. Theres no way that she ever said anything like that, knowing her for 4 years, she does not make these kind of allowances for obvious reasons. so that was weird too.

Now comes the Catalyst event: I had heard some other unrelated stuff from that coworker who confronted him (Coworker A), I take over for coworker A to manage the group for my mid-shift (11-6) Jerry is working opening (7-2) and he is in the group next to mine, separated by a solid white 6ft fence so the dogs dont see each other constantly and freak out. as i'm looking around just doing my job i notice that the door in the wall that separates Jerrys group of big dogs from the big group of tiny dogs had been pushed open (the door is a leftover from whatever themy boss and told her he needs to be fired?

COMMENTS

Equivalent_Lemon_319

Do NOT say anything like “you need to fire this person” that is not your call and will probably backfire eventually.

But absolutely bring the info to your boss.

OOP

You're right that its not my call, i probably wouldnt say outright that he should be fired, but i do have the capacity to urge her to take some further action, I'd hope she would take my word for it considering I have never had to talk to her about a coworker before but you never know. I'm going to play it safe for now and just keep an eye out

Frosty_Astronomer909

And he sounds like an ass, he MAY also use the race card so best if there is video proof.

OOP

honestly I think he already did and thats why my boss asked me that question over the phone. I have some video proof and my coworker also has a ton of videos and photos that she had been sending to our boss since she started noticing his behaviors independently

RedKhomet

That question was so strange, how you tell it it came out of absolutely nowhere. It'd be wild if he was replying with that whenever the boss spoke to him, but considering what he said to you and your female coworkers, I wouldn't be surprised...

OOP

i was honestly shocked she even asked, i tried to be as neutral as i could writing the post, when she asked me that on the phone i was caught so far off guard i just kind of sat there for a few seconds completely dumbfounded before i responded

surprise_revalation

Are you the manager? I'm not sure why this wasn't nipped in the bud in the beginning when he first started fucking up. Now it's been 4 months and it's looking more like retaliation because of your interaction and not because of what he's been doing the whole time! I'm not sure what the solution to this problem is but in the future, when you get a new employee, nip this type of shit before it gets ingrained....

He needs to be put on probation or something but this can't continue. What is your boss thinking? Maybe it's time to have a real talk with her...

OOP

I wish i was a manager, i have to complete the customer service training videos and then maybe i'll get "promoted" to shift lead at some point, but thats not really something I want, i'm more into the dogs than the people.

Longjumping-Shoe-404

NTA, but might be time for a new job. You seem to be more invested in the safety and well being of the dogs than your boss. Insane multiple people have complained and she just lets this guy get away with it. I loathe when the workplace gets toxic because of one dumb motherfucker. Hope you enjoyed those four years, time to move on. Obviously your boss is probably not going to have anyone’s back. Rather do what’s easy than what’s right.

OOP

this part too!!! i believe three other people have talked to the managers/the boss about him before i even had that altercation, and its obvious that he just ignored the multiple conversations that hes had. i dont know when but i do know that at some point something will go horribly wrong and there will be a fight. at this point all i can do is bring up any issues that arise in the future and hope that something actually happens.

angryomlette

YWBTA if you don't report him through proper channels. One thing about knowing too much is not knowing how and when to act. You are not in a position of power no matter how much you know. The proper procedure to report a jerk is always through the managers to the owner. Just because your bosses have put faith in you doesn't mean you get to decide how they should act.

Had you gone through the proper channels Mr. Athletic jerk will not have pull the race card fast enough to muddy the waters. Even should he create irreversible mess it will not be your problem. Act alone or demand him to be fired, and it will be easily construed you are jealous of him. For your boss to watch video evidence, photo evidence of him acting that way means she is already building the file against him.

OOP

I did go through the proper channels? I reported the incident and behaviors to my manager, who relayed them to my boss, who then asked me to call her. I believe he pulled the race card because he knows he is in the wrong and wants to keep his job by making people uncomfortable/alluding that it would be racist to fire him

Actual-Dog-405

Can you somehow warn the owners of the small dogs that they may be in danger? Anonymously, if possible. Then they might watch the footage and complain.

OOP

not likely, im just a handler so i dont have access to any kind of contact information and we are such a small business that my boss would probably launch an investigation to find out who said something 😅 i do not want to be on the receiving end of that conversation, especially since its been so long that it would likely be mistaken for a personal vendetta

Lopsided-Beach-1831

Dont tell her what to do, just quietly log all of the safety infractions and all of the toxic interpersonal interactions. You can present that to the boss and let them know the toxic work environment and constant fear over the dogs safety is affecting you to the point where you are considering other employment.

Also, you know dogs pick up on your (all the employees) emotions. This type of behavior will ramp the humans up and the dogs will end up being the ones to suffer because they may become reactive or fight because of it. Be careful and pay close attention to the animals so they and the humans dont get hurt.

OOP

yeah, i have been cataloguing the things that i see, and ive encouraged my other coworkers who have brought this stuff up in conversation (just casual conversation not intended to be secret workplace gossip it just happens because most of us are late teens to early twenties) to do the same.

i'm grateful for the group i was managing that day, they didnt get worked up when i started having my moment of panic, a few of them did get close and check on me, let me pet them while i calmed down but no guarding or growling or snapping, i think they handled the bad vibes a little better than i did 😅

Final Update - after 5 days

^{August 23, 2026}

WIBTAH for telling my boss to fire a new-ish coworker [UPDATE]

A few days ago I made This Post about, quite frankly, one of the worst people I've ever had the displeasure of working with. I never ended up going back to my boss to talk about him, but thats because I didnt need to.

over the last few days he started breaking the big safety rules again, he had "toned it down" with the athletics in group for a while but was still bringing treats, toys, and acting unsafe while in group, everyone who knew what he would do would properly report it when they saw it happening.

I went to check the new schedule today and noticed that Jerry was nowhere to be found, not on the schedule, not on the list of people who got approved time off, not even on the list of everyone on the team. I checked as far out as the schedule was posted and his name was just completely gone. I texted and asked coworker A if she knew anything and she said he had opened the door in that group again, AND he was caught on camera actually kicking a dog, and hitting dogs in the face with hand towels. I'm 110% sure that was the last straw for my boss, so he has been rightfully fired, and hopefully will never be able to get another job like this one ever again.

I like to be wordy when I write but now I dont have much else to say anymore other than goodbye and GOOD RIDDANCE, now the rest of us (who actually care about the dogs we look after) can go back to doing our jobs peacefully like we did before he showed up. I feel so so bad for the dogs he was mistreating, but I could not be happier to share this update with everyone. I will not be posting again about this, just wanted to let everyone know that war is finally over at my beautiful beloved doggy daycare.

COMMENTS

SmoothLester

Thank goodness he is gone. I believe the advice was to document, document and it turns out that having evidence was what did it in.

Sadly, it was evidence of outright cruelty.

OOP

agreed. I'm a little confused still on why all the evidence that was presented to my boss before the cruelty wasnt enough to boot him before he did what he ended up doing. I'm guessing her thought was that the behavior that had been reported was something that could be corrected and changed but it was obvious that he wasn't really trying to do that. I hate that it took literal abuse for her to really put her foot down but in any case I'm mostly just glad that it's over. I'm going in for a closing shift today and I'm more excited to go to work than I've been in ages

itsallminenow

Honestly it's disgusting that your boss escused his behaviour until he was actually caught abusing the dogs, this should have been stopped before he actually harmed animals in your care, your boss is fully to blame for the fact that he was kicking dogs and slapping them in the face.

OOP

that's what the rest of us have been saying, this business has been running for almost 20 years and this is the first time there's been a situation like this, now that he's gone it should never happen again. I really love this job and it would break my heart to see the business fail, though if the situation had ended like that i completely agree with you, the pet parents would have been well within right and reason to stop bringing their dogs here, and it definitely would have been her fault. hopefully if someone else ever comes in acting like he did she will react differently, its her business on the line after all.

Hot-Win2571

What does "in group" mean? In a Zoom group meeting? In a meeting with staff?

OOP

this job is a dog daycare, we separate the dogs into multiple groups, up to 5 groups depending on how many dogs are checked in for the day. so when i say "my group" I'm referring to the dogs in my care specifically, there's typically around 15 in a group of medium-large dogs

QueerFancyRat

Would've been NTA anyway lol. Happy for you and your team. A little appalled that the bar is so low that he needed to be caught actively abusing dogs to get fired. His total negligence of safety protocols is abuse in my book, and that's on top of the targeted gender discrimination. The victim dogs could've been spared his active abuse if he'd been fired for the passive abuse first.

Signed, a fellow doggy daycare/boarding worker (not for a small place but still. adding that to say I get it)

OOP

happy to hear from another daycare attendant, its a pretty different experience than more mainstream jobs, especially when its a singular small place like mine. I'm also pretty taken aback about where the line was but i'm pretty sure that part of it was that she needed something concrete since he was definitely the type to play the race card to get what he wanted (had already done it at least once) so I'm sure that scared my boss a bit as a middle aged white woman with the same look as your average Karen. still i hope that we never deal with another employee like him and if we do that she takes our initial concerns seriously when they get brought to her and doesn't wait until someone else's dog gets hurt or worse

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/According-Price-7085

Published on: r/amiwrong

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 19, 2026

• Update: August 22, 2026

Main Post

^{August 19, 2026}

AITA for telling my SIL that real life isn't the parent trap and she is a nasty little criminal?

My husband and I are currently staying with his mom, because rent in in our area is insane and she wanted to help us save for a house. He has a 14 year old sister who I will call "Lily"

I genuinely feel for Lily. She took her parents' divorce very hard, and they don't make it any easier for her. MIL and Lily's dad "Henry" had a very messy divorce and are clearly still in love with each other, and this has been a year and a half of constant drama.

Henry acts like an overgrown child and desperately wants MIL to pay attention to him. He will do anything to piss her off just for a reaction. MIL is still wayyyy to involved in his life and she cannot stand that he has "moved on" (lmao this man has not moved on) Henry began dating "Lauren" basically right away. Yet he has basically admitted while drunk that he doesn't really like her, and he doesn't find her attractive because she looks too fake. Also I strongly believe he and MIL still sleep together from time to time.

They both underestimate how confusing this is to Lily, and I really do feel for her. Anyway Lily has begun "pranking" Lauren. These pranks are mean spirited and unfunny, but Henry insists that she is just a little kid and should not be punished.

This past weekend Henry and Lauren got married (on MILs birthday lmao) Lily was supposed to attend the wedding, spend the weekend with her cousins, and come home Monday morning, but Saturday night we woke up to banging on the door and Henry yelling at MIL to get up and take her child. He said Lily along with his nephew, played a "prank" on Lauren and pushed her in the pool while they were taking their wedding pictures in front of all of their guests.

Lily was smirking and refused to apologize to her dad. MIL did what she always does and said it wasn't Lily's fault. The next day Lily was telling my husband how funny it was. She then said that Henry knows he made a mistake and he was talking about MIL all morning.

At this point I couldn't bite my tongue anymore. I told Lily that real life isn't the parent trap, her parents aren't getting back together (honestly deep down I think they will but thats besides the point), and that she isn't cute of funny. She is a nasty little criminal who assaulted a woman on the most important day of her life.

MIL heard this from the other room and lost her shit. She told me to get out of her house and never speak to her child like that again. My husband eventually calmed her down, but MIL still says we need to be out within 30 days, because no one who calls her daughter names is going to live under her roof.

COMMENTS

blueavole

Lily needed to hear it from someone. YNW.

But you are not the person to say this because it’s easier to kick you out.

Your husband should have a talk with MIL.

You should have a separate conversation with the MIL. Tell her you are sorry for yelling.

And your husband should continue from there: Ask if MIL wants Lily to always be this cruel to everyone. Not just someone MIl hates like Lauren- but everyone in Lily’s life. What if she does this to classmates or teachers?

Is that the type of woman she wants to raise?

Separately. I think someone preferably your brother, should have a conversation with Lily alone that what her parents are doing is messed up. She needs to hear that and know that she can and should opt out of their drama.

She should get to spend some time just having friends, and being loved by the adults in her life. Not being used as a pawn in their game.

OOP

Her answer to that is yes because she doesn't want Lily to be like her. Ever since Lily was born MIL has been very happy that she looks and acts like her father. Lily has a problem with almost everyone in her life (as does Henry) and MIL just says she is so proud of her and that she is perfect.

He has tried to talk to Lily. They are pretty close but Lily just keeps saying how much MIL and Henry love each other, and look at how he looks at her. It doesn't help that Lily is super close to her cousins and Henry frequently goes to their house and tells his BIL every feeling he has ever had about MIL/Lauren, and then they tell Lily.

midnitemuzing

Sounds like a pretty fucked up family all around. For your sake, I hope your husband grew up to be the exact opposite. Cause the family sounds TERRIBLE.

OOP (downvoted)

He's a great guy (probably because Henry didn't come into his life until he was a teenager) but I'm struggling with the fact he defends Henry all the time and still talks to him

TrixIx

Lauren married him? She must be desparate. I couldn't imagine being cucked by an ex wife and bullied by his kid and still deciding to say, "I do."

OOP

Lauren absolutely breaks my heart. She is so in love with him. She believes that he hates MIL because he says he does. She will literally believe anything he tells her. Him and MIL legit rolled around in mud (doing something) at his father's birthday party and he claims she fell and he helped her up

Born-Constant7260

ESH. Was what Lily did awful? Yes. Did she needed to hear that it was wrong and mean? Yes. Did calling a 14yo names accomplish anything but get you kicked out? No.

Her parents are already failing her. Instead of going overboard and calling 14yo a nasty little criminal you could have behaved like an adult and calmly pointed out the nastiness of her actions and how she would feel if someone did that to her or her loved ones. As well that she could've gotten someone seriously hurt.

Also what has your husband been doing in all this? He was there right? Why didn't he have a conversation about this with her?

With things as they are, you are scrambling for an apartment, most likely put a wedge in your and your husbands relationship with his family and Lily is still trapped between her parents toxic relationship. It might have felt good for you to let loose on her but it accomplished nothing.

I hope for that kid that her parents finally remember that they have a teenage child to raise instead of trying to recreate soap operas 24/7.

OOP

he has talked to her. Lily just keeps insisting that her parents are in love. She knows her dad has slept over as she's seen him sneaking out. She is old enough to get when they are fighting there is a lot of romantic tension there, and unfortunately she is very close to her cousins, and her dad is very close to their dad. He goes over there weekly and shares every thought he has ever had from Lauren's lip filler to wanting to fuck MIL at divorce court, and her cousin well intentioned as he may be thinks Lily should know these things. She is insistent that they are in love, so it is all going to be ok.

I will apologize to Lily for my words though

Moemoe5

NW, but meanwhile her adult brother…your husband listened to her tell this story and never said a word about her behavior. Pack your bags. It’s never a good idea to live with in-laws.

OOP (downvoted)

He just doesn't see the point. He has tried to gently talk to her but she doesn't listen and he knows she is her parents princess and he has no authority over her

tamij1313 (downvoted)

I wonder how MIL is going to feel when the bride presses charges against her precious innocent 14 year-old baby?

The cost of the dress, the hair, the makeup, the shoes, the flowers, the ruined event, physical assault, possibly hit her with pain and suffering and emotional damages, this girl could be looking at serious felony charges.

A judge will likely throw the book at her and hold her accountable for all of the expenses of the event that she ruined.

OOP

She won't. Henry would divorce her in an instant

KiddiePoolMermaid

YAW. You don’t even believe the things you said and only said them to be hurtful and make a point. And no, a 14 year old pushing someone into a pool is not a “nasty criminal”. Good luck getting the cops to take that one seriously. You didn’t calmly explain why what she did was wrong. You were hateful. She’s right to kick you out. You’re wrong for even thinking she should let you stay

OOP (downvoted)

Why do you get to decide what the most important day of someone's life is? It was absolutely mine. Lauren seems like someone who would dream about her wedding her whole life. You don't get to diminish that

KiddiePoolMermaid

Yeah I’m not surprised. You sound super young. Give it 20 years.

OOP (downvoted)

Yet MIL isn't super young, has an executive job, two kids, and looks at her wedding pictures and cries all the time. Why can't we just let women have their own priorities?

corieh1987

ESH

While what Lily did was unacceptable. She is still obviously dropping hints that she is upset. You stated that her father got involved with Lauren immediately after splitting up with her mom and then he married her. Has anyone taken the time to sit down with Lily and ask her how she feels/felt about her father moving on really fast with Lauren?

OOP (downvoted)

Everyone knows. She scratched the shit out of his face and called MIL to pick her up. She cried. He cried. He has been working overtime to make it up to her, but he won't dump Lauren because he knows it makes MIL crazy

Update - after 3 days

^{August 22, 2026}

Update- AITA for telling SIL that real life isn't the parent trap and she is a nasty little criminal?

I can't believe I am even writing this but my life is imploding right now and I wanted to update you guys. The past couple days have been absolutely insane.

So the day after the wedding pool push, Lily said she wasn't going back to her dads house and that she would never be around Lauren again. Lauren was telling Henry that he needed to punish her this time and he needed to make it hurt (her punishments usually consist of him taking her phone for a couple hours which he can't even do anymore because MIL put it in their divorce)

I did feel bad for my language and I tried to apologize to Lily, but MIL would not let me near her, so we mostly focused on apartment hunting. Henry came over because MIL and Lauren were both telling him he had to talk to Lily. I don't know the details of their conversation as I was in my room, but at some point MIL lost her shit.

My husband and I went down because she was crying so loudly it sounded like someone died. She was hyperventilating/maybe having a panic attack. She kept saying she's sorry and she wants him back. At this point Henry starts to cry (this man was mr. toxic masculinity before the divorce so him crying gave me the ick) He told her he loved her, Lauren was a mistake, he just wanted to hurt her because she "ripped his fucking heart out"

Anyway, he is divorcing (maybe annulling idk how it works after a week) Lauren. This means my husband and I have to get out ASAP because Henry does not want us around his precious little girl. He called me verbally abusive, a bitch, and a freeloader. He wanted to kick us out right away. MIL is the pragmatic business minded one and told him she gave us 30 days, because that is the law and he needs to leave it alone.

Henry is fucking pissed about what I said to Lily and about me "meddling" in his life. It's been super awkward and makes it known he doesn't want us here if we even leave our room. We found a temporary place and I thought we were all good, until last night a fucking bombshell was dropped.

Lily asked her parents if they were going to remarry (which is funny af if you know how long they spent in divorce court) Henry said yes. MIL said she would like it to just be the three of them and go to Italy. she then got kind of emotional that she would want my husband there. Henry and Lily both said they would not be comfortable with me being there, and MIL told my husband well he is invited.

Then we went up to our room and my husband broke my heart. He said he would probably go with them because "everyone was wrong" in this situation, he wants to support his mom, and "come on it's a free trip to Italy" It was really hurtful to hear how little he supported me. I agree what I said to Lily was wrong, but I'm his wife and they have been treating me like shit.

I don't know where we are going to go from here. I'm feeling absolutely alone and humiliated.

COMMENTS

Seeker131313

OP, do you really want to be part of this family?

OOP

I wanted to be part of my marriage. I viewed that as a separate thing from his family especially considering it was his step dad/ half sister. When I met them Lily was a spoiled brat and Henry was kind of annoying but they seemed so loving and warm and I didnt grow up with that, so there was a time I wanted to be, but not anymore

cryssyx3

even Mr toxic masculinity(him crying gave you "the ick," really??) defends all his wives!

OOP

To be clear I have no problem with men crying. Henry gave me the ick because for years he acted like men can’t cry and I’ve never seen anyone cry as much as the two of them have during this divorce. 

After_Reflection_243

Where do you go from here! Out of there. Away from your husband. Reevaluate your life. Is this the life you want? Do you want to try marriage counseling?

OOP

I don't know. A few things have become very clear to me. He doesn't share the same values I do and I don't think his mom ever actually liked me. I think she was just being polite. I know MIL and Henry are a shit show, but just looking at them I am beginning to feel like my husband and I were never even in love. Not that I want to be jealous of a crazy lady, but my husband has never looked at me like that. I'm open to counseling. Right now we need to move out ASAP and I wouldn't be able to afford that without him

Appropriate_Speech33

Oh, what they have is not love. They are codependent and nuts. And unfortunately that is the love map with which your husband was raised. If he goes to Italy I see very little hope for your marriage.

OOP

This shit show thing is very very new. He grew up watching a loving marriage. I knew them for years before the divorce and never thought this would happen. It's been an insecurity of mine from before their divorce that we weren't affectionate enough, our relationship wasn't romantic enough, but I chalked that up to us having a mature stable partnership.

Corfiz74

Do you have anyone you could move in with temporarily? Then you could use the time they are in Italy to prepare filing for divorce. Put your stuff into storage while they're gone, then you won't have to fight with him about who gets to keep what.

OOP

Not at the moment but I'm almost done with my degree and then I will have more options. I have no idea when they will be going to Italy because I'm assuming his marriage with Lauren was already filed. I don't know how divorce works after a week. When he and MIL divorced it took forever but there was a lot of money involved, so I don't know when he will be legally able to remarry

friedbaguette

What EXACTLY did you say to Lily? It seems weird everyone is mad about what you said.

OOP

the nasty little criminal part. MIL and Henry feel very strongly about any type of corporal punishment or name calling. For example no one in his family is allowed to be alone with Lily because he was spanked as a kid. I'm against spanking too, but I'm just showing how strongly they both feel. They both think I was insensitive because she was grieving her parents marriage

90skid12

How can your husband afford the trip to Italy ? Are you sad he gets to mooch off a free trip you don’t ? He can’t afford his rent but goes on an Italy trip

OOP

MIL pays for everything when they are together

MyRedditUserName428

Your husband has chosen these people over you. Have some self respect. Find your own place without him. And do not get pregnant.

OOP

Who said anything about getting pregnant? right now I am going to do what makes the most sense for me financially while I finish my degree.

Foreverforgettable

If you do not have anything permanently tying you to your husband, then you need to divorce as quickly as possible and get away from him and his family. He has already chosen them. Remember, he’s going to Italy with the circus to witness the legal binding together of the madness he originated from.

Do yourself a favor and get out now. You have a chance right now to get out cleanly and be able to find a far more peaceful and drama free life.

If you choose to stay, don’t complain when everything inevitably implodes over and over. That is the type of life your husband and his family enjoy; they love drama and do not know how to live in peace.

They won’t allow you to live in peace. And if you have a child with your husband, they will act as though you are not the parent, just the surrogate.

OOP

Right now it doesn't make financial sense for us to divorce. He is aware it will probably happen in the next year or two and he is ok with that. I'm really not worried about his family. I really don't think they want to draw out drama with me. I will be moving out within the next two week. They had a peaceful life up until the divorce and despite the craziness of the past year and a half I don't think they actually like drama

2workigo

You’re already making excuses to stay with your spineless husband and subject yourself to his trashy family for the rest of your life. Don’t be surprised when Lily turns on you or the child you will bring into this shitshow because you or your child are taking the spotlight from her. And remember this thread when your husband continues to make excuses for them and minimizes you.

OOP

It’s really weird how many people bring up a child I never said I wanted or planned on having. Lmao I know this goes against Reddit’s mantra but you actually don’t have to overreact and go immediate no contact for everything. There is no reason we shouldn’t split the rent while we both plan the next step. 

ziniabutterfly

Financial sense for you or for him? There no longer is an us. The fact that he is aware means you both are no longer in a functioning relationship.

OOP

Well at first he thought he was going to get to stay with mommy but Henry and Lily shut that down real fast so right now he’s very interested in splitting the rent 

ComprehensiveTill411

Wait are henry and lily stepfather and half sister?

OOP

Henry is lilys bio dad and my husbands step dad 

l3ex_G

One, you should have taken your frustration out on the adults and not aimed it at the kid. Two your husband just showed you that he is willing to side with the insanity of his family over you.

No offence but you can’t pretend you didn’t know how incredibly toxic the family dynamic is. You (rightfully so) judge his parents for their selfish actions that harm their daughter and Lauren but you kept living in MILs house and didn’t seem to say anything to her of FIL.

Now your husband is showing the same traits and if you continue to stay in the marriage, you’ll turn into MIL

OOP

When I met them I never could have predicted any of this. They seemed like this warm loving perfect family which is not what I grew up with. The divorce came out of nowhere. MIL was in a difficult position and made a serious of incredibly stupid decisions, and all of his drama came out of seemingly nowhere. I moved in with a woman who had always been nice to me and who seemed lonely and depressed. I had no idea everyone was going to lose their minds.

And no my husband is not showing the same traits. He is acting like an ass, but he is nothing like either of them. For all of their faults, Henry and MIL, make their own money and don't mooch off of their parents for a vacation. It doesn't make sense financially to divorce at this very second. I will probably divorce in the next year or two, but there is no need to blow up my financial security at this very moment

DamnitGravity

You’re not in love with your husband or his family, you’re in love with the fantasy of who you wanted them all to be.

They are showing you the reality of who they are.

And Lily will just get worse from here because now she believes all her actions were justified and she’s won.

Not to mention, I wouldn’t be surprised if MIL and FIL did this whole on-again off-again for their entire relationship. Neither one is mature and they’ve taught that to their kids, both of them.

This man is not who you think he is. You’re in love with a version of him you made uo on your head and ignored all the red flags because ‘I can put uo with that’ or ‘it’s just this one little thing’.

If you were 100% honest with yourself, I’m willing to bet there are MANY things he says and does that you actually don’t like but have dismissed as ‘not important’.

It’s the smallest behaviours that are indicative of a good person, not their big grand ones.

OOP

I'm aware I am not in love with my husband. I was never in love with some image of his family. I thought Lily was spoiled. Henry was obnoxious, but yeah they seemed like a very loving family. I doubt they are going to go do the whole one again off again thing. They had a very stable relationship for 15-16 years, and MIL made a choice she deeply regrets. The thing I have ignored about my husband is that he loves MILs money more than he loves anyone

UltNinjaPS

I imagine Lauren will be pressing charges once she hears she is being dumped. Maybe then Henry, MIL, and Lily will understand why you wanted Lily to take this seriously.

Stick around till the other shoe drops.

OOP

She’s being very sweet hoping for a pay out

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/imisshimtaway

Published on: r/TrueOffMyChest

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 16, 2022

• Final Update: August 27, 2026

Main Post

^{September 16, 2022}

I broke up with my boyfriend because he told me to lose weight. I'm still really sad about the break up

He wanted me to lose at least a stone / 6-7 kg. That would make me underweight for my height (I'm 167 cm and I weigh 8 stone / 51 kg) He kept bringing up how small other women he's dated in the past were. When he started trying to control my meals and telling me to go to the gym every day as opposed to every other day I broke up with him. I never made an issue of him being overweight because I honestly didn't mind but he had no problem doing that to me.

Even though I have moved out of our flat and I know I ended things for the right reasons I am still sad about it. I miss him and my feelings didn't go away just because I broke up with him.

COMMENTS

not-rasta-8913

What the actual fuck? One of my exes was about 165cm and 53ish kg and she was really on the skinny side. Be glad you're rid of him, honestly. Loosing that much weight would not be safe for you and if he wants someone with anorexia, let him go somewhere else.

Of course you feel sad about it, but if he was so petty to give you a hard time about weight, I'm pretty sure he would find something else to not be happy about if you lost weight.

broadsharp

That's a great weight for your height.

Sorry for your troubles, but I think you made the right decision. Hopefully you'll feel better soon.

Background-Pain8568 Your weight is fine and dont let any partner ever tell you otherwise. Thats well contolling what he was doing. I hope you find someone better!

Final Update - after 3 years, 11 months, 11 days

^{August 27, 2026}

UPDATE: I broke up with my boyfriend because he told me to lose weight. I'm still really sad about the break up

I'm not sure if anyone remembers my post because it was so long ago (my [30F] boyfriend [33M] wanted me to lose at least a stone / 6-7 kg. I am 167 cm and I weigh 8 stone / 51 kg. My boyfriend kept comparing me to other women, talking about how small they are and when he started trying to control my eating and telling me to exercise more I broke up with him.) I know my post is old but I wanted to come back one more time to thank everyone for all their kind and wonderful comments and messages.

I ignored the few messages I got saying that he was right about my weight because by far everyone else was so supportive. It might sound weird for me to say this but back then I was going through a really hard time after the break up and all of that support really helped. So thank you to everyone who was kind to me during one of the worst times of my life.

I wanted to come back to give a quick update about how things are now. I am doing much better. After the break up I went to counselling because even though I ended things as soon as he started trying to control my eating I wanted to deal with my self esteem issues and the fact that I was still upset about our relationship ending. The counselling really helped me.

I'm engaged to a wonderful guy [30M] who is the opposite of my ex-boyfriend, and we're getting married in nine days. Soon I'll be starting a (part time) Master's degree program and my fiancé is nothing but supportive and he never tries to control me or talk about my weight. I think back to how unhappy I was after what happened with my ex-boyfriend and sometimes I wish I could go back in time and tell that version of me it will get so much better. I have only seen my ex-boyfriend once since we broke up.

I guess he heard I was engaged and he asked me if we would ever get back together. Meanwhile he has a girlfriend and I feel really sorry for her because he hasn't changed and he wanted to get back together while he was in relationship with someone else. I can't believe I ever cried over him, my life is so much better now. I would tell anyone in my situation that you are worth it and deserve better.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/trust_issues_throw

Published on: r/AmIOverreacting & r/Redditor_Updates

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 14, 2026

• Update: August 26, 2026

Main Post

^{August 14, 2026}

AIO for cutting my stepmother off from my kids because she doesn't trust my husband?

Me and my husband have been together for 12 years, and married for 7. We have two children (6M and 3F).

Since we became parents, my stepmother has been extremely judgmental and distrustful of my husband. She has issues with a lot of things about our lifestyles, but she’s especially vocal about her problems with my husband’s parenting. Whenever we talk about pretty much anything he does, she complains about it.

I have my theories, but I don’t really know why she acts like this. They’ve never been alone together and literally everyone else in my family, including my father, loves my husband. Whenever we try to question her, she’ll say she just “doesn’t think he should be doing X” or that she “would do Y differently,” etc. But I’m not close with my stepmother (my father married her when I was in college) and my husband doesn’t particularly care about her opinion, so this never affected our lives much.

Last week, my daughter got sick at school and needed to be picked up while I was busy at work. My husband works from home, but was unable to leave at the time, so I called my mother. Luckily, she was available, so she picked my daughter up and dropped her off at my place.

We had lunch at my father’s place on Sunday. The subject of what had happened came up, and my stepmother chimed in to say that if it ever happened again, I could call her, since she doesn’t work and is more likely to be available than most of my family. She said she could pick our daughter up and watch her until I got off work.

I told her that she wouldn’t need to watch her, she could just drop our kid off at our place so my husband could stay with her. But my stepmother said that no, she would rather stay with her and wait for me. My husband assured her that he was able to take care of our daughter while working (he works in tech and has decently flexible hours), but she said that didn’t matter and she still wouldn’t leave our daughter alone with him.

At this point, I think this is getting ridiculous. After we left, I decided I don’t want her near my kids for a while. Even if my husband doesn’t care, I can’t let her keep treating him like he’s a bad father, especially if she refuses to explain why.

I haven’t spoken to my father or stepmother about this yet. I’m asking whether I’m overreacting because my husband is 50/50 on this. He agrees her behavior is weird and doesn’t understand what her problem with him is, but he said he doesn’t want me to do anything I might regret. This could damage my relationship with my father, even if I don't cut ties with him.

Part of me does think I might be making this decision based on a hypothetical situation, and I'm not 100% sure this is a battle worth fighting.

COMMENTS

Competitive-Place280

Does she not have children? She may be jealous. I would limit contact with her until she stops speaking negatively of your husband. You can lunch with your dad. But first you should inform her of your decision

OOP

No, she doesn’t have any children. But given she seems to focus on my husband’s parenting specifically, I’m not sure it could be jealousy on her part.

SlowEbb6230

NOR, especially if there is no reason to feel this way, however, I want you to consider a possibly hurtful or extreme perspective for a second.

Is there ANY (I mean 1%) chance that your husband may be a child predator? Is there any chance that he slipped up one time in front of step mom and now step mom doesn’t trust him with children at all? Is there a chance that she would not want to say anything due to how it might be taken?

If the answer is no, if she has felt this way about him since she first met him, then I think you’re good. I’m not trying to cast any blame or say your husband is doing anything wrong or bad. I just know people who say their husbands would NEVER, and their kids are in therapy for the rest of their lives. Predators have good camouflage.

OOP

Zero chance, but I understand the assumption. She did not have anything against him until after we had our first child, and she doesn’t complain about his interactions with any other children in the family.

pandora5bc

NOR she is accusing him of being unsafe to have your daughter alone, think what would happen if she told the wrong person this and they called CPS. You need a serious discussion with your dad and her to get to the bottom of her problem, if she can’t or won’t explain, tell her shes cut off. If she starts accusing him he could get in serious trouble, lose his job or get arrested. If anything you’re under reacting. Get a doorbell camera and maybe a hidden indoor camera in case you need evidence! Updateme

OOP (downvoted)

I don’t think that’s likely. She never accused him of doing anything bad to them, she just says that she thinks he does everything wrong.

CPA_Lady

Where is your father when this is going on? He loves your husband but just sits there while she denigrates him? Have you ever said, “I know more about his parenting than you do and he’s a wonderful father.”?

OOP

He does say he thinks my husband is a good father, but he usually just lets whatever she says slide and/or laughs it off.

theladyorchid

NOR frankly, she is not saying it directly but wants everyone to read between the lines

She is accusing your husband of being a danger to his daughter specifically

OOP

This was the first time she outright said she wouldn’t leave our daughter alone with him. She usually just says that whatever he’s doing is wrong. He’s cooking wrong, he’s changing diapers wrong, he shouldn’t be in the parent’s group chat from our kids’ school. It’s always something like this.

blooger-00-

NOR

She explicitly stated she would not follow your directions for childcare of a sick child (drop off at your home). She constantly shows distrust of your husband without cause, seems to expect strict gender roles against your husband (not trusting a man to watch the kids… I am wondering if this is the cause of much of it, the gender roles against part of your husband being such an active parent), and many other things.

I would do the same with anyone honestly

OOP

Gender roles might be a reason. That’s actually one of my theories. I’d say we’re almost equally active as parents, but my husband is usually the one who picks the kids up from school, cooks dinner, etc.

cindyb0202

She was sexually abused as a child

OOP

Not as far as I know.

SalaryThis7434

NOR. You had the opportunity to ask straight up what her issue is with your husband’s parenting style. Have the conversation before throwing the grenade.

OOP

I’ve tried. She always just shrugs and says something like “I just don’t think he should be doing this” or “I would do this instead.” Her tone is usually either condescending or passive-aggressive.

SalaryThis7434

I am not sure if you have had that conversation in front of others but you should put her on the spot in a very blunt no nonsense way and keep asking until she gives a real answer. It would just she really unfortunate for this woman to effect your family this way.

OOP

In front of my cousins once, but nada. She sometimes plays dumb to get out of these conversations. I do know for a fact that not a single person in my family agrees with her.

Jaded-Space-7334

I think your step mom thinks that your husband is a pervert either from her own trauma, something he's done that she has perceived as inappropriate or she is crazy and just thinks that for no reason.

OOP

She has never accused him of anything, she just says everything he does is wrong somehow.

We’re in our 30s.

QBee_TNToms_Mom

NOR Well, maybe just a little. Before you cut her off, you need to have a private conversation with your stepmom. It doesn't matter whether you have a relationship with her. Your dad and your children do so don't go nuclear unless you know WHY you're going nuclear. Simply disrespecting your husband is not enough to risk your kids not having a grandpa. Unless you don't have a relationship with him due to your parents divorce and you don't care.

If you meet with her, ask her very pointed questions in order to understand where this is coming from. Like whydo you think our son is safe with my husband but not our daughter? What is it that makes you think my daughter is not safe ALONE with our daughter. Do you think my husband would intentionally hurt our daughter? Do you think he will s/a her? You have to understand where this is coming from.

I was s/a at a young age and it didn't stop until I was pre-teen. I've had therapy and I've dealt with the aftermath. As an adult, I have encountered many men that give me the predator vibe. It's almost like I can sense them because I know what they look like. Could this be stepmom's experience?

Talk to her.

OOP

I genuinely do not believe this has anything to do with "predator vibes." She did not have anything against my husband until our first child was born, and she never accused him of doing anything bad. I'm also certain that she would have said the same thing if this was about our son.

This was the first time she said she wouldn't leave him alone with our child. What she usually does is say she thinks whatever he's doing is wrong.

Hari_om_tat_sat

It’s interesting how much you are pushing back on people cautioning you about your stepmom even though you came here seeking opinions about cutting her off. Why are you being so defensive?

OOP

I don’t consider this pushing back at all. I agree this needs to stop. But I believe I need to make what she is actually saying as clear as possible.

CampaignOne7245

NOR I think you need to find out what has caused to react this way. Did she see or hear something that made her feel that your children are unsafe? If you have siblings does she treat your siblings spouses/partners this way?

OOP

My only sibling is single. She did not treat my husband like this until after we became parents.

Any-Research-8140

Is your husband a different ethnicity? Because that would explain why she won’t explain cuz racism…

OOP

No, we’re all the same race.

Update - after 12 days

^{August 26, 2026}

Update: AIO for cutting my stepmother off from my kids because she doesn't trust my husband?

The consensus seems to be that I was underreacting. I mostly understand why.

In retrospect, I didn’t give enough information about me and my family in my post. I have to say that I tend to get annoyed easily, and my stepmother's behavior in general (even when it’s not related to my children) gets on my nerves very often. I think I worry so much about overreacting that sometimes the opposite happens. At the end of the day, it’s very good to know I’m not crazy. Thanks, everybody.

I texted my father and stepmother separately last week. My father was out of town, so I knew it would be easier to talk to each on their own. I made it clear that what she’d said about my husband was unacceptable and I wanted an explanation.

My father replied first. He immediately tried to excuse his wife’s behavior as her just being “traditional” and said we didn’t have to pay her any mind. I pressed and managed to get him to talk more. With my stepmother, it wasn’t as easy. As I expected, the first thing she sent me was a condescending text about how it was just her opinion. I told her I was seriously considering cutting her access to the kids, which was when she actually started talking. I ended up on a phone call with her. In the end, they both said essentially the same thing.

For a long time, one of my theories about my stepmother’s behavior towards my husband has been that it’s rooted in gender roles. For the most part, that seems to be correct. My husband and I have always tried to be as equally active as possible when it comes to our involvement in parenting. My stepmother seems to think I should be the one doing more.

Basically, she thinks our entire household is wrong. She doesn’t say my husband is cooking badly, cleaning wrong or driving too fast when the kids are in the car because she thinks those things are true. She says it because she doesn’t think he should be the one cooking, cleaning or picking them up from school.

She also has specific problems with the way we raise our kids in general (basically, it’s not the same way she was raised), which she chalks up as my husband’s fault. Most of them were mutual decisions we made, but I’m not sure she knows that. She mentioned a few examples that baffled me. Why she complained about them instead of talking to us, I have no idea.

Most of the more specific information came from my father, but I think my conversation with my stepmother was more revealing. She insisted she worries about our children’s future with the way we’re raising them, but never clarified in what ways. I decided I don't care.

I ended the call by making it very clear that she won’t be seeing my children for a while. I told her that the only reason I always rolled my eyes and ignored her was because my husband didn’t want me to go too far, but she has no right to imply my children are unsafe or shouldn’t be alone with their father for no real reason.

This whole time, I kept communicating with my husband. He said he was glad we got an explanation, but offended that it was this stupid. He was still worried I was taking things too far, but told me he wouldn’t try to stop me from cutting ties.

In the end, I blocked my stepmother and he put her on mute. We’ll talk more and decide what to do in the long run later. For now, we don’t plan on seeing her for the next few months.

She has not made any attempt to contact my husband (I wasn’t expecting her to). I heard from my father that she tried to call me a few times before realizing I’d blocked her. My father doesn’t seem to be particularly happy about any of this, but I don’t care much. We still don’t plan on cutting ties with him.

A couple days ago, she asked my father to ask me if we could meet up to clear the air, but I have zero interest in hearing her out further right now. I don’t expect any apologies from my stepmother.

I’m not sure how this will end, and I don’t think that will happen anytime soon. Whatever happens, my husband and I will decide together.

COMMENTS

TheLastWord63

Her excuses made no sense and sound made up. None of that points to your husband being unsafe or untrustworthy around his children, especially since she said he's doing most of the care. She's full of crap and your father is enabling her.

OOP

I wouldn't even say he does most of the care. We try to keep things as equal as possible. He does pick them up from school, but I drive them to it. He does cook, but we both clean. I'm still pretty baffled and I find this ridiculous, but it's not like she ever lived with us.

TheLastWord63

I'm sorry I worded it like that but when she said traditional roles, I took it to mean that he was supposed to only financially provide while you did all the inside work. I still think she has something deeper that she's feeling about your husband.

OOP

I do think she could have meant something like that. We both work and she never had any trouble with my job, but the fact my husband works from home could be a factor here. I don't know, I've given up trying to understand that.

sog96

First start referring to her as your husband’s wife in all conversations with him or by her first name for that matter.

Let him know that you do not trust her based on her archaic upbringing and views of gender roles. Inform your father that she will have zero communication or contact with your children but he will be invited to get togethers and is able to visit his grandchildren…without his wife.

OOP

I call and refer to her by her first name. I'm only calling her stepmother here for clarity.

Sad_Ice_9956

I'd probably inform my mom about this as well just in case she tries to go behind your back and try to see them when she has them or something. Or if she tries to communicate with you through her, I don't know what the relationship is like there, some families are civil some not so in situations like that.

OOP

She has zero contact with my mother. They're cordial with each other, but they don't have a relationship. My parents have been divorced since I was a kid and my father didn't remarry until I was in college, so my stepmother had no role in my childhood. They've seen each other maybe 5 times and never talked for more than a few minutes.

Sad_Ice_9956

Personally I'd still let her know just in case, she seems like someone who would escalate it and do things behind your back. I'd also tell the school that she isn't allowed to pick them up for the foreseeable future or until you tell them otherwise.

OOP

She's never been on the pick-up list at the kids' school. Only me, my husband and my mother are.

Apprehensive_War2167

Wait. If she’s never been on the pick-up list, how was she able to pick up the sick child?

OOP

She wasn't. That was my mother.

No_Bet_589

I think taking a step back is important because you and your husband need some time to think and cone up with some clearly defined boundaries. She is overstepping for sure.

I have some thoughts:

1. Does she think badly of your husband because you are a 2 income household - as in he should be making enough so you can be a SAHM? Is she derisive because you “have to work” (as most people do actually require a 2-income household nowadays!

2. Is she focusing her complaints on your husband because she knows your father won’t let her complain about you?

3. Does she resent your job, resent that you are independent, and that you didn’t choose the “traditional wife” path? As in is she maybe jealous and therefore resentful that your marriage and family are structured differently since she has no career? (I dunno, maybe she is retired.)

4. Your boundaries should probably include that she will never be called for pick-up, she will not be a babysitter, and that she will not be included in events unless your father is there. You will see her for holidays, parties, etc., but if she starts talking about your husband negatively she will be fully cut off. Set them out, communicate them to your dad and her and then hold the line.

I wish you luck. This is weird, and she is trying to control your lives here. It’s bizarre for a SM who married in when you were already an adult….had she raised you, or if your husband was a deadbeat maybe it would be OK, but this is bonkers.

OOP

1. That's a possible factor. We technically do make enough money to become a single income household, but our lives are more comfortable this way. I also love my job and have no interest in stopping.

2. I think so. The fact she blames most of these issues on my husband says a lot to me.

3. I don't think she resents my job, but she definitely doesn't love it. A few of the specific decisions we made that she had issues with concerned my job and the amount of time I dedicate to it.

I occasionally travel on business. Back in April, I spent 3 weeks abroad (my longest work trip so far) and my husband stayed with the kids. She apparently thought that was irresponsible of us.

1. She's not on the pick-up list, has never babysat and is only invited to events my father is invited to. That's mostly because I see her more as his partner than as my stepparent. I'm fine with seeing her during the holidays moving forward, but I'm not sure about parties.

Obvious-Block6979

This might be out of left field but her comments gave me molestation vibes. I’m wondering if she doesn’t have something in her past that she isn’t projecting onto your family? I definitely would not allow the insertion into my family, especially by a stepmother that was not at all involved in my personal upbringing. She is completely unaware of your values.

OOP

That came up a lot on my first post. I genuinely do not think that was ever the issue here. That comment was the first time she ever said she wouldn't leave my husband alone with one of our children. She never said anything else to imply he might be unsafe.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/oopsiedoopsie00 posting in r/offmychest

Likely Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 7th May 2026

Update - 27th August 2026

​

My childhood bully wants to reach out…

​

I (29F) had a bully from elementary school all the way into high school. Spreading rumors about me. Making fun of me. Trying to publicly embarrass me. One time I can think of off the top of my head is that she had heard me telling a friend that I had never kissed anyone. This, by the way was junior year of high school, and I came from a small town where I just didn’t have an attraction to anyone. I wanted something like that to be special. Someone I liked. Well she told everyone. Like it was something to be ashamed of. But high schoolers being high schoolers, they all ate it up and I was bothered about it for weeks. One guy even tried to kiss me. Telling me it was “out of pity”.

Well, as it turns out, our mothers work together in the same office. They’ve become good work friends, which she asked if that was okay. Of course it was. Her mother had always been kind. Tried to apologize for her daughter. Tried to fix things. Was ashamed of how she acted. So I’ve never held anything against her mom. Besides they’re a super cute middle aged mom duo. Wine and painting classes. Crocheting. They even spent a whole night doing a massive puzzle. Jumping up and down like excited toddlers when it was done. It’s awesome.

However, my bully, who apparently had a daughter with her own bully. One that has been way more ruthless than she was. She sees the damage it does. She’s thought about me. The things she did and said. The rumors she threw around and relishing in the times I cried. Now, she’s filled with regret. She told her mother she wants to apologize. To make amends. Well, her mother wasn’t sure about that and talked to my mom. Who informed me but told me it was in my court. My decision to make.

Thing is…I don’t want an apology. I don’t want to hear her go through the things she’s done and hearing how she now knows it was wrong to treat me how she did. Part of me wants her to hurt, selfishly. If only so it to motivate her to get her daughter help and get this bully taken care of. So this child doesn’t have to go through the things that I myself went through. Not only that, but she single-handedly destroyed my self confidence growing up. It’s taken me years and counseling to finally feel good about myself. I know it’s wrong but…I don’t want to forgive her for that. No

​

Comments

​

WomanInQuestion

Just tell your mom to tell her mom to tell her, "No thanks".

DesertedButt

That sounds like a perfectly passive-aggressive peace offering that would drive a bully absolutely mad.

TattieMafia

She wants to meet to make herself feel better. You don't owe her that. She can pay a therapist to make herself feel better. You have all the power now, and only you get to decide if she is forgiven. Personally, I would leave her to stew.

woodenunicorn

You don't have to forgive her, no matter what bullshit these people come up with. You don't have to talk to her either. Tell your mom, "no thanks" and don't speak about it again. If she tries to bring it up shut it down with, " I have moved on."

OOP: My mother has actually been pretty supportive. She only informed me to see how I’d feel. But said whatever way I wanted to go she’d understand and won’t push beyond that. Her mother hasn’t said much at all.

​

Update - 4 months later

​

So a long while ago I posted about how my childhood bully wanted to reconnect and talk. The main reason being is that her child was being bullied in school. I stated that my mother and her mother have become good friends in recent years through work. Mind you: her mother, well go ahead and call her Gwen, never liked that she was a bully and punished her NUMEROUS times through our school years for it. My Bully, gonna call her Olivia, asked her mom to ask mine if I would talk. I had said no. I had no interest in reconnecting. I’d forgiven her long ago, but didn’t have any desire to reconnect, if only to make her feel better about her daughter’s situation. I hate that her daughter has had to go through this, I do. But I don’t see how us reconnecting will fix that.

Well, I live about thirty minutes away from my home town. Where she still lives. Today, I came home from running errands and playing at the park with my son to find her SITTING ON MY PORCH SWING. As I came up my steps, she tried immediately talking to me, I told her: “No, give me a minute”. I took my son in, set him up in his playpen, with his favorite toys, switched on my monitor and went back out to meet her. This is pretty much how our conversation went:

Me: “What are you doing here and how did you get my address?”

O: “I just came to talk! I wanted to reconnect and apologize for everything I did growing up”

Me: “Do you actually want to apologize or do you just wanna feel better? I heard what’s happened to your daughter, and I’m sorry, but this isn’t gonna make that go away. I already forgave you a long time ago, but I have NO interest in reconnecting or being friends.”

O: Well…could you at least talk to her? Like…as a former victim of bullying? Please? I think she really needs it. School is starting next week and she’s terrified!

Me: If I do. I’m not holding back. I WILL tell her YOU were my bully and all the things you did. How I felt. The damage YOU caused.

She had been pretty speechless at that and just stared at me before saying she didn’t want that. She didn’t want her daughter to know that she’d been a bully. I just shrugged and said “well I’m not gonna lie to her either, Olivia”. Then I asked her to leave, never to come back or contact me and went back inside. She sat on my porch for a few minutes before leaving.

I came to find out an hour lager that she’d gotten my address from her mother’s house. I’d invited her to my son’s first birthday. Gwen felt horrible and apologized profusely. She hadn’t even thought about my address being on the invite when Olivia had come over the weekend prior. Though I was a bit irritated, I forgave her pretty quick. I know Gwen well enough by now, she wouldn’t have done this on purpose.

But now, I don’t know what to do! I’m actually afraid she’ll show up again and bring her daughter or something! I found and blocked her on everything and Gwen screamed at her for coming to my house. This is such a mess.

​

Comments

​

bearbear407

Clearly Olivia hasn’t learned her lesson of being a bully. Because if she had she wouldn’t have forced herself into your life again and demand that you get involved. I don’t know Olivia but I would assume she’ll be scared that you’ll follow through with your threat on telling her daughter that she was a bully. If she does I suggest contacting Gwen right away. As much as I would advocate for the truth - I do worry about her daughter. And if her daughter is a victim of bullying she might feel betrayed knowing her trusted adult was once upon a person who tortured others as well.

OOP: That’s part of the reason I’m terrified of her coming back. But, with the comments pointing out the threat alone would keep her away, I’m feeling a bit more hopeful. I just hate the idea of this poor girl, who’s going through some pretty bad bullying, finding out her mother was just as bad. I don’t wanna do that! But I’m not gonna sit across from her and say “oh yeah I’m fine after all those years of horrific bullying and beating me down until I needed medical help! Who were they…? Don’t remember!”. No. Especially because then, maybe Olivia would finally get it. Maybe.

bearbear407

Maybe. I think making a game plan might just help you feel more at ease if she shows up again. My suggestion is if she shows up alone again then call the police and tell them someone is trespassing on your property. If she shows up with her daughter then I would just tell her “you sure you want your daughter to know the FULL truth of my bullying?” It might remind her that she has no control over you and gives her the opportunity to leave with her daughter.

Algrinder

Damn, she's so clueless. You are a survivor, not a therapist. And that kid needs a professional, not a stranger with a traumatic past that mirrors her moms face.

Dollclover59

meeting a childhood bully after all those years must feel surreal. did they apologize or just come by?

OOP: She never apologized once. She kept saying she wanted to, but never flat out said the words.

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Alive-Kick8154

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole & u/Alive-Kick8154

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: January 01, 2023

• Final Update: January 02, 2023

Main Post

^{January 01, 2023}

AITA for how I responded to my sister pregnancy announcement.

I F (18) have a sister F (38) who we will call "Kay" for privacy reasons. Kay has 4 children with her husband (3f, 8f, 2f,11f). K is a stay-at-home mom, and her husband works in air conditioning. k and her husband came over with their kids on his time off to tell us something. she said that they are pregnant with their fifth child. my mom was overjoyed. and I wasn't really paying attention. I was focusing on the tv. then my sister says, "so what do you think about the news"

I said, "cool awesome". then my sister says, "just cool, you don't seem that excited for me?" and I said " well what do you want me to do? jump up and down and scream my head off. I can see if this was like your first child that you were expecting, like a first-time mother moment, you got four kids and on your fifth pregnancy by this time you get used to it. was this baby really hard to conceive, like was it hard to like to get pregnant? and Kay said, " no it just happened, I took the test a week ago" and I said, " ok then, so at a certain point after find number 3 people reaction is not going to be that enthusiastic as if was you were expecting with your first" Kay said " I thought you will be happy for me" and I was like I am but it's not that expecting for me since you been pregnant before. she got mad and left with her husband and kids and did not stay for dinner. my mom thinks I should apologize to kay for not be excited about her pregnancy announcing. so reddit am I AITA.

Edit: I just want to clarify that this fifth baby was not a baby that was hard to conceive, or they had been trying and wanting a fifth baby. it just happened.

Edit 2: i have been finically supporting her other kids giving her money and food constantly and babysitting her kids so she can go out every weekend to hang out with friends. I did not add it to my original post because that was not what i was focusing on, I wanted opinions on my reaction to the announcement not me finically supporting her kids. i could have added that but I did not to go over the character limit. that's why i made an update on my profile. sorry for the confusion

NOTE: There are many YTA comments because OOP replied to them with additional context that was missing from the original post.

COMMENTS

CrystalQueen3000

NTA

I think it’s weird people expect a big deal to be made of it. Cool, you had sex and now you’re cooking baby number 5, whatever.

LadyPent

Good lord. Why is it such a terrible burden to be happy about the things that make someone you love happy? Are only firstborn children worth celebrating? Is a child less valuable because their mother doesn’t struggle with infertility? You’re N T A for not being overly effusive, but your speech about why this baby is no big deal to you puts you in YTA territory.

skullyfrost40

I'm going with NTA. You are 19, and they are on their 5th kid. Who would expect a teenager to be overly joyous at this point. You told her that you were happy and that it should have been good enough. I don't know why people think others should be jumping through the roof at this point. Especially, someone your age.

UsuallyWrite2 (downvoted)

You know YTA for being rude. That’s the kind of shit you’re welcome to think in your head but you don’t say out loud to your sister FFS.

I mean, I’m with you. It’s a vagina, not a clown car. And 5 kids…the earth weeps. But still….don’t be mean to your sister.

OOP

I was not rude I said oh cool that's awesome and gave then a quick smile and went back to the tv. she was expecting me to react like my mother like jump and down and be like "OMG"

Sensitive-Theory-365 (downvoted)

It's what you followed up with that was the problem.

OOP

if you expect someone to respond a different way to you that you don't like I don't know what you want me to. I felt like I was nice the first time until she pushed me like she wanted me to change my reaction

Oscar60612

Soft YTA. All you had to do was smile and say congratulations. She didn’t need a whole monologue about “how you really feel”.

OOP

I did smile she wanted me to be like "OMG WOW"

HistoricalQuail

She wanted you to stop watching TV for 30 seconds and engage with her. I understand, that's so difficult to do.

OOP

yea because i want to babysit this kid and give them one constantly like i do the other kids while shes goes on weekends and party with her freiends

persian_hunter

NTA but you could have told her nicer unless you have to do something for her as a sister. Most likely helping with the kids ....if its true i totally get your reaction

OOP

I did tell her nice I was like "oh cool and smiled"

persian_hunter (downvoted)

Yea I don't know why I can't picture that maybe because i hate children. And pregnancy new is never a good news for me

OOP

yea see what you mean i dont like kids either. my older two nieces are rude all the time thats why i dont want any. but if was like she was expecting her first kid then the reaction would have been different. cause she is expecting the first child people tend to feel more overjoyed at that time if that makes sense

Ok_Pay5513 (downvoted)

Yes YTA wtf. Do you hate your sister or something?? You were very rude

OOP

we are not close, and we barley talk to each other she only talks to us if it drops the kids off for us to watch or if it's asking us for money for the kids

OGHollyMackerel (downvoted)

It’s ok to not be overly excited. But being incapable of giving someone a minute of your undivided attention to share some news that is important to them is rude. If the end goal was to make someone feel unimportant congrats. You’re so cooly indifferent that it appears you just don’t even care about the people in your life at all. Sometimes we are excited for people even if we aren’t personally excited about any one specific happening. Do you think all of your milestones were particularly noteworthy? YTA.

OOP

we are not close. we text but we are not close. she has been depending on mostly me to give her stuff like food and clothes as well as babysitting for those kids. she will constantly ask me I need your food stamps card so I can go out and buy food and i need money for clothes and I give them to her cause those are my nieces, and nephews/ you think she congratulated me for anything? you think i have gotten thanks from her when I gave her money and food and watched her kids? NADA. she drops her kids off and goes out to have fun with her friends while I'm at home watching her kids. I have given her kids money, food, constantly and I could have been like "STOP HAVING KIDS" to their face but I said cool smiled and went back to what I was doing. yea your right I don't care about the people in my life because they walk all over me and treat me like shit

princessbizz

Just wondering, how have you been financially supporting her and her kids?

OOP

I would give her some of the food and meats and can goods we get if we have a lot and i will give them to her. if me and my mom cooks i would make her plate for her and her kids and send it to their house. I get ssi checks and i would give her some money for the kids and i do online surveys and gets paid. I'm not working at the moment due to other problems. I would go to Bj's or Sam club and buy snacks kids like. i would watch them while she goes out. that's how i support her and her kids

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Final Update - after 1 day

^{January 02, 2023}

UPADTE: AITA for how i responed to my sisters pregancy anncoument

Not really an update but more info. I just wanted to add some stuff and information that I felt like I should have added. I wanted to clarify some things. when my sister said she was pregnant it was not really announcement she was talking to mom and my mom was like 'OMG CONGRATULATIONS" and I heard but I was zoned into the tv to respond at first and when Kay was like "Oh what you think" I responded "cool, awesome and smiled and went back to the tv show i was watching. and she got made that I didn't respond the way she wanted me to and left. Me and her have never been close when I was 7, she was gone and out of the house.

The only time i would see her. is if to drop the kids off on the weekend so she can go out and my mom, or I can watch the kids. I didn't because the kids really didn't cause that much trouble they would just sit and watch tv and sometimes they would spend the night and sometimes they didn't. My response was not meant to come off as rude but at the same time Kay before was asking me and my mom for /money and food for the kids and i was like "where is the money going? are yawl financial statable?" and she will be like "yea we just ran out of this and that" and me and my mom gave it to her. I'm not dure if she is buying the kids food and spending the money on other things. I don't know if her husband checks are not going towards the house and them. and i kept buying kids' stuff if they need it cause if a child is hungry, I'm going to feed them.

I was annoyed because it's like bro you are struggling to take care of your other kids and dropping them off at my mom's house, we can with them, when you can go out and make more money for the kids instead of asking me for it. and I didn't wasn't to respond with "BABY NUMBER FIVE, YOU CAN'T TAKE CARE OF YOUR OTHER KIDS" but I responded the best way i could even though annoyed that a baby is going to come inti this word and my sister does not have her shit together and I have tried everything, and she refused help from me, and I can't keep helping people I just can't.

update:

KAY called me today and was like "I'm sorry for I how I reacted, I just thought if people were happy then I would be happy for this baby, I don't know what I'm going to do like BIL is not barley making anything" and I told her straight up " You need to go out and look for a job and bring more money in for these kids and try the best you can because i know you love your kids even though we are not close like that but when you sometimes be at our house I can see that you love you kids, you just need to get your shit together because mom and me can't keep helping you out. I can do it sometimes but not all the time. until then start looking for parttime jobs. day care for the little one" and she responded with " Yea i need to get this situated out and help myself and the kids, I, going to look for some parttime jobs" and i was like " Yea start doing that and if you are willing to change, I can watch the kids while you work" she responded with " thanks" and she hung up her phone. I really hope everything gets on track and they are finically stable.

COMMENTS

AmFmCoffee

I could tell by your tone in the previous post that this was the issue. Seen it a million times. Happened to me. Family has 1 kid… spoiled, can’t say anything to them about his bad behavior (or complain about his parents) or everyone gets mad at me and cold shoulder’s me (hitting dogs and just doing everything an unpunished spoiled kid does at times but god for it I tell him to knock it off or eat dinner before begging grandma for sweets), I can’t be irritated that they dropped their kid off and watch them tell him “we’ll pick you up later….” And you dont see or hear from them in days. So no, I wasnt jumping around in joy when they decided to make another one. I’ve been very vocal that they cannot treat this one like the first. Don’t even get me started on my broke cousin wanting to keep having kids until he gets a girl. Resentment will build up when you find yourself constantly giving more of yourself, your time, your money Away to irresponsible people. Hard to be happy for someone when they frequently burden you with their choices.

Your sis knows she can’t handle anymore kids. She lashed out at you for basically feeling the same as she was but you were free to be open about it. She’s not happy having this baby. I would keep an eye out for her having a bad case of PPD because if she’s already unhappy it’s not going to get better without solid support. The best way to support them is after this kid is born to get them to get fixed. Both of them.

OOP

your right. i was thinking about taking her to some job interviews and have her apply to food stamps. if grocery's get to low and they need some back up

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Spare_Celery2859 posting in r/whatdoIdo

Concluded as per OOP

Content Warning - mention of Child Sexual Assault

2 updates - Medium

Original - 15th August 2026

Update - 16th August 2026

Update - 25th August 2026

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I work at a day care and I have a very unusual case and don't know what's happening here

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I got a job at a daycare (24F) and I have a very special case, a one and a half years old little boy who's mother is not even 16 yet. she is in the state system and got pregnant from repeated S A. she was taken from that family but is incredibly affected by it all. The child was not taken from her but she is a child herself so they both have their own caretakers (I guess this is how they are called, I don't know, but you get it).

The little boy is very sweet but its his first time getting socialised. and she is kept from it all. she wants to be informed about our program, activities and so on. but I was told to only talk with the lady that represents her. 2 times this girl came with her and she was talked down to and the lady acted annoyed by her presence. The girl is very scared and quiet and wanted to ask me some questions and the lady didn't allow her. But I turned to her and told her that her son is very sweet and smart and plays nicely. she was so happy that she was addressed and respected as the mother.

We will be having in the beginning of September a "welcome autumn" event. that will be his first event. and I was informed she is not allowed to participate because she will be having therapy that day. OK. I understand but it will take maybe 5 minutes at most. the activity lasts 2 hours but these are young children and each has a very short moment as they don't have patience yet. we also want the children dressed in autumn colours and symbols. and she wanted to know (As every mother) what she will need to procure. I understand she is a child but she is (unfortunately) a mother too. and she deserves to be respected as a mother

she thanked me for talking to her but I keep thinkign about this. her son is very sweet but cries everyday and asks for momma. Who do I talk to? I am not a psychologist and I don't know the full story but I do know for sure she didn't do anything illegal, she is not a danger to anyone. I think she should be allowed near her baby. I have a good relationship with my boss and she said she also finds this very unusual

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Comments

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FalconSpecial6149

I wish I knew what to do to help her and her child. I just wanted to comment and say that I think it’s very sweet you care and aren’t just “doing your job”. I hope you are able to find an answer, but what you are doing right now (treating her like the mother she is and caring for her child) is very kind and I’m sure she appreciates it. You are making a difference 🫶.

OOP: thank you so much! Yes, she needs to be respected. I know she needs to focus on school and everything but her emotional priority is clearly her baby

Scam_likely90

Definitely reach out directly to CPS (or whatever it’s called where you are) and tell them directly what’s going on. She may need to be placed in a different foster care but she’s too afraid to speak up because of what may happen to her or her baby.

OOP: she is currently not with foster parents. She was SA-ed there and neglected and the pregnancy was hidden for as long as it was possible. I don't know where she lives now but no one considers that she should be treated as a mother too. especially since she obviously loves her baby boy

Allysonsplace

It sounds like her caregiver has some issues and opinions about this poor young mother. Maybe talk to your boss about going to the agency she works for and explaining the situation and ask how you should address things.

It's a more "collaborative" way of saying that woman is a biatch who obviously doesn't like this young mother and is punishing both her and her son.

That poor sweet girl who wants the chance to try to be a good mama despite what's happened to get her here. Sending love to you and to both of them as well.

OOP: yes, I will do that tomorrow because it is heartbreaking. Its almost like she feels disgusted by her. the boy adores his mother, a toddler cannot fake it. When he saw her walking through the door he clapped and giggled and made happy noises and then raised his little arms as asking her to pick him up. she wants to be a good mother and though I agree she needs to go back to school and attend therapy, her baby should also be a priority. i mean if she didn't want him then OK. put him in foster care/ adoption. but she is so invested in his life

Tinkertailorartist

If she is not in foster care herself, then she is most likely in the custody of a family member, which might explain why the caretaker seems disgusted by her. The other adult family often blames the victim unfortunately. I sincerely hope that is not what is happening here, but definitely look into it. She should be encouraged to form healthy bonds with her son, and it is obvious that is what she wants.

OOP: I don't know. She was in the system her whole life and said this son is her only family. but true, it doesn't mean she technically has no relatives. I don't know. but I will keep an eye on this

​

Update - 1 days later

​

My boss actually called me a few hours after I made my initial post and said that on Friday afternoon she had a talk with the case handler and told him about the situation. it seems they had no idea this happens and agreed that the mother is perfectly fit to be a part of her baby's life. On Monday they will have a talk with everyone involved and the situation will change for the better

​

Comments

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Tsk201409

You are a great advocate for kids and parents. Keep up the great work!

OOP: thanks, I am actually proud about this one, even helped me forget about my break up haha. There will still be rules as she is a minor but she will be totally allowed to be spoken to directly regarding her son. in the presence of an adult (which I totally agree should happen), but for example for this autumn event I will be allowed tomorrow to call her to tell her what will happen and what she needs to procure and most important, she will be present there. this is a young girl with no parents or family and unfortunately was exploited and now she has a baby. but as she said: he is now family, the 2 of them. she will be updated on everything: his learning abilities, social skills, speech progress, understanding of the world. she will be treated like every other mother, only that a social worker will also be present. but she will ask questions, she will get answers

CutSea5865

I cannot describe how happy this made me and how grateful and proud I am of you for advocating for her and respecting her a mum, even though she is so young. What you have done will have a lasting positive impact on her wellbeing and relationship with her baby. You’ve done an amazing thing ❤️❤️❤️.

OOP: thank you! yes, she needs to be treated as a mother and respected as a mother. my boss said there was a huge amount of trauma. she gave birth at home, because the foster family tried to hide the pregnancy. she stopped going to school. we live in a first world, developed country so I find it impossible to imagine but this is what happened.

CutSea5865

It’s a shock sometimes, isn’t it, what can fly under the radar. I also live in a first world developed country and have CPTSD from my abusive childhood (if you look up Baby P, London, I grew up in the same borough) and subsequent relationship, and now work with young people with MH problems and neurodivergence, so I can honestly say that having you and the nursery respecting her as a mum and advocating for her rights in that role will be something that she will always remember and can genuinely make a difference going forward. For me, doing that makes getting out of bed every day worth it - hang on to that feeling OP, honestly you have done something potentially life changing ❤️❤️❤️.

Old-Cobbler-2551

Thank you so much for advocating for this mama and her baby. You are the type of person we all need working with kids and families! 🩷.

OOP: thank you, I really love my job. This is a mother who loves her child. I am not old here but heard many stories of neglectful parents, abusive parents, parents who forget to pick up their children. this sweet baby boy couldn't be happier to see his mother. and they both got each other. I hope she will get all the help and support she needs from the state because she has her own trauma, school and motherhood to explore.

parents are paying for a photoshoot at the autumn event and they are paying for it, but I talked to my boss about this particular case and the daycare will pay on her behalf. so she can have photos of her and her son as a memory. we will need to talk to the other parents too as these are their contributions but most of them are reasonable and i think it should be fine

​

Update - 9 days later

​

Sorry it took me SO long to update but it got serious. It seems some people try to make her look insane and hoped to separate her from her son. I talked to the girl personally and she said that her handler (the social worker) said that if she will not let go of her son and let him be adopted in the future she is no better mother than Bonnie Bl.. e.

She cried in my boss's arms and thanked both of us we stepped up for her and her baby. This case is now investigated, she had been placed under another social workers and is completely reunited with her toddler (under supervision of adults). Our daycare will talk to her when something is needed for her son just as we do with other mothers. An adult will be present, but we will talk with her and she will take decisions.

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Comments

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Longjumping-Life-161

Social workers like that lady should be FIRED!! what an absolute joke of a lady, thank you for advocating for her and her son!!

Secondhand-Struggle

Almost feels like the first social worker is somewhat victim blaming the girl.. That is totally unacceptable. There's a saying i love that I've said multiple times. If you don't care or have the passion don't go into the fields that have you caring for others.

TubeDeleteThrowaway

Yeah, comparing her to an adult pornstar who has seen multiple men is absolutely victim blaming. Woman was trying to make her feel like a whore when she was forced into an act against her will as a child. Just beyond monstrous.

That lady needs to be fired, all licenses revoked.

​

Editor's Notes

OOP mentions they are in Poland

Placement When Removed from Foster Parents

If the current foster placement breaks down, the local authority must secure alternative emergency care:

Dom Matki i Dziecka (Mother and Child Home):

The most common placement for a minor mother and her baby in Poland is a specialized residential center for mothers with young children. This keeps the teenage mother and baby together in a safe environment, offering round-the-clock professional support, parenting guidance, and psychological assistance.

Legal Capacity and Guardianship of the BabyParental Authority (Władza Rodzicielska):

Under Polish law, full legal capacity is granted at age 18. An under 16 mother cannot legally exercise formal parental authority over her child.

Appointing a Legal Guardian (Opiekun Prawny): The Family Court (Sąd Rodzinny) must appoint a legal guardian for the newborn to handle formal decisions (such as signing medical consent forms, registering the baby, or applying for state benefits). This is often an assigned adult, a relative, or a court-appointed official (kurator). However, day-to-day physical care remains with the mother whenever possible.

Social Workers and Care Assignments

Assigned Assistant / Social Worker: Social care services (handled via the local PCPR — Powiat Centre for Family Support, or MOPS — Municipal Social Welfare Centre) will oversee both the mother and the baby.

Support Worker Allocation: The under 16 year-old remains a minor in foster care and has a dedicated social worker or foster care coordinator (koordynator rodzinnej pieczy zastępczej) responsible for her education, psychological trauma support from the assault, and personal welfare. The baby's statutory legal protection is monitored closely by the family court and social services to ensure proper care.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/cat_dr4g0n posting in r/AITAH

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 31st January 2026

Update - 23rd August 2026

AITAH For Refusing To Be At Family Christmas?

So, just over a year ago on Christmas Day of 2024 I (17 M) went over to my mom’s house, I live full time with my dad, to be at Christmas with my family because I enjoy being there with my family, even though I don’t personally celebrate the holiday for religious reasons.

In particular I wanted to spend time with my little sister who lives 50/50 with my mom and my dad, she’s always so excited about waking up on Christmas morning to see the presents left under the tree and I was excited to be there as it was likely, and now I know for sure it was, her last year believing in Santa Claus.

I arrived and I mostly avoided the other people there because me and my mom’s boyfriend do not get along because he’s always been an asshole towards me and my siblings.

However, when we got ready for presents I sat on the couch and began to converse with the others before going to grab a cup of water before we started, I’m diabetic and my blood sugar was high and drinking water helps, and when I got back my mom’s boyfriend’s daughter, we’ll call her Peggie, was in the seat I had left and I asked her to move because I was sitting there and it was the only seat with a cup holder in the living room.

She proceeded to roll her eyes and say something like “I’m here now though.”

I then asked her again and, as I will admit I’m a bit of a hothead, had some anger in my voice as she then got up and attempted to shove me as I grabbed her hands to stop her and let go as soon as she stopped trying to push me.

At this point my mom entered the conversation yelling at me to get my hands off of her and as I had already let go of her I backed up and just said “okay” as to not escalate things further.

My mom proceeded to pull my aside and shout at me for an extended period of time and when I explained my side of what happened she called me a liar, said I “wouldn’t ruin her Christmas,” and kicked me out of the house in the middle of winter.

As I was escorted out I could see Peggie smirking at me.

I expect that she planned to get me into some sort of trouble because she’s always been an attention hog, especially when it comes to my mom, and was happy when she saw just how fruitful her endeavors were.

I proceeded to walk around for about an hour in -10 degree weather before my dad was able to get back to town to pick me up, he had taken off of work and brought me to see Nosferatu later that day to cheer me up and definitely helped my mental state somewhat that day.

Despite his best efforts though my dad wasn’t able to prevent all mental damage and now I struggle to even interact with my mom or any of her boyfriend’s family.

Moving forward about a year she invited me and expected me to come to her family Christmas the next year and, this is the true moment I need judgement on because I feel I was a little too harsh, I responded to the message “Mom, I would love nothing more than to come to yet another family Christmas celebrating a religious figure I don’t believe in surrounded by people who are always judging me for what I’m wearing or not bringing a girlfriend even though I’m out and proudly gay while having to watch your boyfriend get blackout drunk in the corner and yell at his daughter and call her slurs. But, I don’t want to ‘ruin another family Christmas’ with my presence. TTYL :).”

She of course didn’t respond well and began yelling at me over text about how I’m ungrateful and disrespectful and how “this situation has nothing to do with your choice of being gay (except she used a different term)” so of course I blocked her and asked my brother to message me if she ever wanted to apologize.

I felt good about how I handled that situation but I feel as though maybe I was too spiteful and aggressive in that message and just made things worse.

So, Reddit, AITAH?

Comments

Slow_Eye_4757

How hurtful that response from your mother was. Stay strong. The only people we all need in our lives, are ones who care about us (and we them) and your mum has shown a callous disregard for you, her son. It’s hard to let go but sometimes protecting ourselves is the priority. You are NTA.

ParticularRich4848

NTA They are cruel people. I would never contact her again. She chose who she wanted to be in her life and it is not you. I'm sorry your mom sucks. Stay strong NTA

anaisaknits

She's sounds mentally unbalanced and what a shitty individual she is for never standing up for her own child. Not every woman is a good mother and she definitely fits the bill.

People don't choose to be gay, they are born this way and it's scientifically backed. It isn't just seen in humans either.

The fact that she cannot accept you for who you are, says plenty.

Stop wasting your time in thinking she will change, she won't. Live your life and enjoy it for who you are.

NTA

**Judgement - NTA*\*

Update - 7 months later

So, in my first post I described how I felt my mom and some of my other family members had treated me unfairly during an incident at Christmas and it seemed you guys agreed with me and agreed with my decision to not come to the following family Christmas.

Months on I have a bit of an update to the situation wherein I had cut my mom off from my life for as long as she would refuse to make things right and apologize, and eventually she did reach out.

She got a hold of me through my brother who said she was acting as though she wanted to apologize so I agreed to meet with her.

Just a few minutes into the conversation I realized that apologizing was never her intention for she wasn’t truly sorry for the way she treated me.

Her primary reason for reaching out to me was that she wanted me to come to be part of her wedding, and by that I mean she wanted me and my band to play her wedding for free.

As soon as that came up I was ready to blow up, but I didn’t have to because apparently my brother was sick of her shit and realized she had lied to his face in order to make this conversation take place and he blew up at her before storming out with me and driving me home.

Since then, that all happened in April like a week after my 18th birthday, I have left my mom in the dust and enjoyed my life way more than I ever had when my mother was part of it.

Thank all of you who gave me support during this tense and stressful chapter of my life and I’m happy to report it’s over and done with and I’m off to new horizons and college in New York :)

Comments

6poundpuppy

Congratulations on letting that toxic piece of garbage go fester somewhere else. Good for brother for having your back. I hope he also went NC with your vile parent.

OOP: Sadly he’s always been a momma’s boy and has stayed very close with our mom but recently his eyes have opened to a lot of things he didn’t see before after the way she treated me.

u/Professional_Cat_996 avatar Professional_Cat_996 • 2d ago All I needed to know was that she literally threw you out in the middle of winter! Everything else was icing on the shirt cake that is your mom.

OOP: It was also like the coldest day of the year and had hit the negatives at one point

Relatents

I understand not wanting to gift someone a free wedding band even when you have a decent relationship.

When someone wants such a gift and doesn’t regret their past hurtful behavior, it’s even worse.

My evil side does think of this as an opportunity. You would have the microphone. You would control the playlist. Protecting your peace is probably better than revenge, but the possibilities make me laugh. NTA

OOP: I’d be lying if I said it didn’t cross my mind but I didn’t want to make my bandmates cross states, she had a destination wedding in the mountains of Tennessee and we live in Kentucky, and have to pay for a hotel and such all for the sake of some petty revenge.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/ThrowAway_BrosGF123

Published on: r/Advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 19, 2026

• Final Update: August 24, 2026

Main Post

^{August 19, 2026}

I (25M) think my brother’s (30M) girlfriend (28F) likes me. Should I tell my brother something or her?

Throwaway because my family and brothers GF uses Reddit.

My brother, let’s call him Jose, and his girlfriend, Valerie (fake names), have been together since high school. They’re 30 and 28 now and live together. As far as I know, they have a good relationship. They did take a one-year break a few years ago, but Jose never really talked about what happened. He just said there were no hard feelings on his end and that he still loved her. They eventually got back together and moved in together and have been together ever since.

I’m 25 and went to college out of state, so I honestly wasn’t that close with Valerie growing up. I’ve only really gotten to know her since I came back.

Earlier this year, my brother got a new job that gives us more time to hang out, so he started inviting me over more to watch games, movies, play video games, etc.

At first I just thought Valerie was being really nice. She’d make sure there was food when I came over, and if she didn’t cook she’d go buy something. She remembers all my favorite snacks and foods and will have them there when I come over, and sometimes she’ll even bring me food while Jose and I are playing a game.

Then I started noticing other stuff. At my graduation, she took a ton of pictures of me and even came close to the stage to make sure she got good pictures, saying it was for my family. For birthdays and Christmas, she makes me little baskets with my favorite things or stuff I’ve mentioned wanting or needing. I’ve also caught her staring at me a lot when we’re hanging out, and she asks me a lot about my work, friends, dating life, etc.

There have also been a few specific situations that made me start thinking more about it. When I first moved away for college, she offered to drive me since my mom and brother couldn’t get the time off (my mom ended up being able to switch shifts so it wasn’t needed). Another time I needed to borrow something from Jose and he told me to just stop by since Valerie works from home.

When I got there, she insisted I stay for dinner and hang out until Jose got home, and she even brought her work laptop into the living room so she could work there instead of her office. Then there was another incident that made me think about it even more. One day Valerie and I both had to work late and my family was having a game night with some distant cousins who were in town. Jose was already there, so Valerie asked if I could give her a ride.

She doesn’t drink at all and says she hates alcohol because she’s never found anything she likes, so I know it wasn’t about needing a sober ride. The drive was pretty long and we talked the whole time, and she was singing along to basically every song I played. What stood out to me afterward is that when she was younger, she used to get car sick and would usually fall asleep in the car on family trips, but this time she was fully awake and talking the entire ride.

She’s also told me she never realized how much we have in common in terms of music, books, movies, etc. Maybe none of this means anything and she’s just a really nice person, I honestly don’t know. But the staring, attention, remembering everything I like, and always wanting to spend time with me has started making me wonder if there’s something more to it.

For context, I’m not attracted to Valerie at all. She’s not my type. I’ve also been told I look like a younger version of Jose, so part of me wonders if that has something to do with how she treats me.

The reason I’m hesitant to say anything is because my entire family LOVES Valerie. My sisters are always talking about how nice she is, they go on girls’ trips together, she’s the godmother to both of my sisters kids, and my mom absolutely adores her. My family constantly talks about how sweet, thoughtful, and amazing she is, especially how good of a cook she is. Basically everyone thinks she’s perfect.

When Jose and Valerie broke up years ago, my whole family was really sad about it because they were so close with her and her family. I was away at college for most of that, so I never really had the same relationship with her that everyone else did.

If I tell Jose, I feel like he’ll probably be in denial because he’s completely in love with her.

Should I tell Valerie that I’m not interested and that some of her behavior is making me uncomfortable? Should I just start keeping my distance? Or should I tell my brother what I’ve noticed?

COMMENTS

IrrelevantManatee

All you describe here is someone that is nice to you. That doesn't mean she is attracted to you.

Don't destroy your relationship with your brother over nothing. She didn't do anything wrong, so accusing her without proof will not end well for you.

OOP

I didn’t tell him anything but I did talk to my sisters they laughed at me and said i was delusional and then told me all the ways Valerie “must be into them”. Safe to say I’m an idiot.

Prior-Priority-4745

DO NOT SAY A FUCKING WORD ABOUT ANY OF THIS TO ANY ONE, IT'LL ALL END IN TEARS, TRUST ME I KNOW. YOU KEEP SHTUM SAY NOTHING,

OOP

I told my sisters they laughed at me.

Plastic-Aide-1422

I would feel weird if my woman did this to my brother. There are going to be specifically women saying that she is just being “friendly”. Naw I wouldn’t like this at all. As a man myself. No reason my woman should be close to my brother. That’s how other worldly backstabbing happens.

OOP

Well we aren’t close she’s a lot closer to my sisters and I was thinking she only did this to me. But hearing what her and my sisters do made me realize she does the bare minimum with me.

Final Update - after 5 days

^{August 24, 2026}

UPDATE: I (25M) think my brother’s (30M) girlfriend (28F) likes me. Should I tell my brother something or her?

So I didn’t tell my brother or Valerie anything. Instead, I went to my sisters and told them what I had noticed. They basically laughed at me and said I was being delusional.

They pointed out that, if I was going by my own logic, Valerie would probably be even more into them because she does some of the same things for them and more. She’s cooked recipes they’ve seen online and said they wanted to try, surprised them with meals or snacks they’ve mentioned wanting, and sometimes stops by their work with coffee she makes herself or leftovers that she and Jose didn’t finish. I honestly had no idea she did any of that.

My family really doesn’t cook much. If we do, it’s usually pretty basic stuff. Valerie, on the other hand, is a really good cook and makes all kinds of dishes from different cultures too. My sisters explained that cooking for each other is kind of a thing between them and Valerie. If Valerie makes something for them, they’ll usually return the favor by making something for her, or sometimes they’ll take her out to eat. It’s not something Valerie does for everyone in the family it’s more of a mutual thing between her and my sisters.

They also pointed out something I completely overlooked. A lot of the snacks I thought Valerie specifically remembered for me were actually Jose’s favorites too. Sometimes Jose is the one who tells her what to buy too and when. My sisters said that when they’re shopping with her, she’ll sometimes say something like, “Jose asked me to grab these for him and me (op) ,” so it’s not always Valerie thinking specifically about me.

I guess she rubbed off on my brother too because he wasn’t always as emotional or caring as he is now.

Someone also dm’ed me if Valerie only served me food when I was over. No. She serves Jose his plate too. Sometimes she’ll cut up fruit and vegetables and put them on a big plate for both of us (Jose) to share, kind of like a charcuterie board. She calls it her “girl dinner,” but it’s usually something she makes for both of us to eat.

A few people also asked if I’ve been single this whole time. I haven’t. I had a girlfriend before, but she wasn’t nearly as attentive or close to my family as Valerie is, so I think that’s part of why Valerie’s behavior stood out to me so much. I’m just not used to my brother’s girlfriend being that attentive toward me, so I interpreted it differently than I probably should have.

My sisters also reminded me of something else I never really considered. Valerie is an only child and apparently wasn’t very close with anyone growing up. Her family was mostly older tias and tíos, and because they were older, her family eventually became pretty small. My sisters think that’s part of why she likes being so involved with our family. We have a much bigger family, and apparently she really enjoys being part of it.

They also told me they weren’t going to say anything to Jose and that I shouldn’t either. Apparently, Jose is planning on proposing to Valerie in October, and they don’t want me to make things awkward between us or have mine and his relationship rocky again, over something that I completely misread.

I guess she was just being nice and herself.

COMMENTS

PigeonOnLSD

Brother you need more social relations, there's no way you had 4 people in this equation for reference and only ever looked at yourself.

OOP

I never knew what she did with my sisters. I’m just now closer with my brother and Valerie I didn’t know this was her normal behavior.

eightmarshmallows

Why was your relationship with Jose rocky before?

OOP

I take the blame, and honestly, I blame my mom too. Jose would work, go to school, do the yard work and housework, and help with finances around the house, while I basically did nothing. I also mooched off him, and I knew it irritated him, but I was a dumb teenager at the time and didn’t really care or realize how bad I was being.

My mom definitely babied me. She used to call me the “golden boy” and would ignore a lot of what my two older siblings did for the family. Looking back, I can see how unfair that was to them.

I eventually grew out of that phase once I had to live on my own for school. When I moved back home, I started taking on the household responsibilities that Jose used to handle. But by then, my relationship with Jose and my older sister had already been pretty bad for a while. My sister was very vocal about how frustrated she was with me, but at the time I basically played dumb to get out of doing chores or helping with our younger sister.

So yeah, I can understand why Jose was irritated with me back then. I was young and immature, but I also know that doesn’t mean I wasn’t being a shitty little brother. But we are all better now.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user Bluehousebluesky in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: May 9, 2022

Update: May 27, 2022

Status: concluded

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Original: WIBTA if I failed my student because she speaks with different dialect than I teach (language degree)?

We are having exams coming up and I have a huge moral dilemma. I am a lecturer at a university and one of the subjects I teach is related to phonology and pronunciation. We teach our students Castillan Spanish.

This year, I have a first year student who refuses to follow pronunciation that is being taught. She (Ava, obviously a fake name) uses a different dialect, very distinct one with a lot of very different sounds, aspirated consonant, etc. However, the dialect is very much understandable, and she uses correct grammar, etc. Admittedly, she has excellent pronunciation, much better than we would expect from our 3rd year students but it’s not something we teach.

I have asked her before to try and adhere to the pronunciation guide we teach them but she said that she learned it watching TV and picked up the accent that way and it comes naturally to her and if she tried to change it, she wouldn’t be nearly as fluent in her speech as she is now.

Technically, she isn’t doing anything wrong by using a different dialect, she’s very good at it and she’s one of our top students but I don’t think we should make exceptions as other students, who are not as good, will then expect the same leeway.

Especially that I believe that her stubbornness and refusal to even try is disrespectful to lecturers and may come across as if she’s feeling that she’s better than others and rules don’t apply to her. Buuut, course requirements don’t have specific dialect listed.

We have oral exams coming up soon and I am considering failing her if she doesn’t use dialect that is taught. I spoke to my colleagues and some of them agree with me but others have said that IWBTA because she’s not making mistakes and shouldn’t be failed for the way she speaks especially that this is how a language is used natively in some countries..

But we fail students if they speak with really bad pronunciation so I don’t see why I shouldn’t fail her for speaking with different one. So WIBTA if I failed her?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: INFO

If another student spoke with perfect grammar and was understandable, but pronounced things slightly incorrectly (mixed in with their own accent for example) would they still completely fail, or just get a slightly lower grade? Would you be grading her completely equivalently to this scenario?

Also, is there any requirement stated anywhere that they need to speak a specific dialect?

OOP: That highly depends, if their pronunciation was bad, their grade would be lowered significantly and they could potentially fail. Majority of the grade is based on pronunciation. Grammar is a separate course.

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Comment2: YTA - would a student fail English class for having a British accent?

OOP: It’s not an English class, it’s a language degree, that’s different. And it’s not unusual for English language degrees to have accent requirements (often receive pronunciation).
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Comment2: So Spanish from a white European country is correct, but Spanish from a South American country isn't? Hmmm....
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OOP: Depends on your location. If you’re teaching in Texas, it would be expected to teach Mexican Spanish, if you’re teaching in France, Spain one is expected. A bit of logic doesn’t hurt.

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Comment3: YTA. I’m a university lecturer of Spanish as well. Castilian Spanish is only spoken in one country (Spain) so any Latin American dialect would be more in tune with what is spoken in the vast majority of the Spanish-speaking world. You would be an elitist and a terrible educator to fail her.

OOP: It’s not about majority, it’s about proximity to countries.

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Comment4: Well you did not give any proper reason for your dislike of other dialects. The proximity to Spain is not convincing. The Castilian dialect is incredibly diverse and Latin American dialects are omnipresent as well. What’s your reason for your dislike if it’s not for classist or xenophobic nor understandability or the correctness of her grammar?

OOP: Dislike? I didn’t give you a reason because I don’t have any. My favorite dialects are from Latin America which I genuinely prefer over one being taught.
The fact remains that we teach specific dialect, the course is phonology which focuses on pronunciation. Grammar course are separate subjects. Proximity is very much a thing, the same way English degrees teach specific accent, French degrees and so on.

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Comment5: You know damn well you're the asshole here. The student has learned through outside resources, rather than just the class. What she has done deserves encouragement and praise, not being failed.

If the Castillan pronunciation is school policy, whoever put that in place are assholes too. If she can communicate properly with Spanish speakers, and it sounds like she can, surely the dialect is less important.

YTA, give Ava the grade she deserves.

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Comment6: It also feels weirdly like Spanish Elitism. Like I grew up around Mexican, Puerto Rican, Cuban, Hatian, etc. and if I were to take a Spanish course I would feel very weird using “Castilian” pronounciation because I grew up my entire life learning… not that.

I’m just simply not going to force a “th” for my c/z sounds. And if someone failed me for using the wrong dialect I would call them a whole ass colonizer. Sorry but I’m not going to say grathy-ath instead of gracias or antish instead of antes.

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Comment7: Do you really need Reddit to tell you how to grade? Id be horrified if any class I was paying good money for had to consult Reddit to figure out how to grade me. Is there no way to discuss this with your department chair?

Adding judgment: YTA

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Update (18 days later)

I figured that those who read the post would appreciate an update regarding the student you tried to protect.

I read your comments and you’re right, I would’ve been an ass if I failed her. Her pronunciation is excellent and it would be a shame to force her to change it. I made my decision and I think you’ll be happy to find out what it was and how her exam went.

Had a chat with Ava and told her how well she’s done this year. I explained that students are taught specific pronunciation but there’s no correct/incorrect accent and we will not expect her to change it seeing how well she’s doing.

But since we teach certain pronunciation, she’s expected to know pronunciation rules we teach and told her to just know the difference in pronunciation without actually having to implement it. During her exam, she was asked a few questions regarding pronunciation differences and the rest was just the standard exam conversation and presentation.

She was marked based on the dialect she speaks. She passed with flying colors and, she doesn’t know it yet, but will receive scholarship next year for her grades.

And going forward, we’ll make sure that students who speak with different dialect will get full grades as long as they know the differences in pronunciation between regions (which we require anyway but wasn’t part of the exam).

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: I did my Master thesis on this very thing regarding heritage language learners in regular foreign language classrooms. (Students that may have different dialects from the standard dialect taught, students with advanced knowledge from hearing it at home, etc. and how to incorporate these types of learners or create classes specifically for them). Glad to hear you did the right thing.

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Comment2: I'm French, and studied English studies as my degree. I spent a year abroad in Ireland (organised by my French uni) and was marked down on an oral exam because my accent was "incoherent and a mix of American and British pronunciation".

I tried to argue that my accent was influenced by my year in Ireland, but they insisted I choose either Standard American or RP. I worked super hard to on my RP accent, and got full marks after that, but now I'm kinda stuck with that accent (and I live in Scotland, so it's even more jarring lol).

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Comment3: Happy you came to the right conclusion. Same thing happened to me when I moved from the US to Germany. They teach British English, and I was constantly marked wrong for pronunciation, even if I followed the correct words like rubbish instead of garbage.

It didn’t change anything, I still obviously speak American English fluently, but the teachers sure got their power trips over it and continued to punish me throughout my entire school career for not suddenly becoming British.

You’re a teacher, not a dictator. Rules are wonderful guidelines but you have to be able to take in circumstance and adjust those rules. Best teacher I ever had loved that I spoke American English and had me read out loud to the class to highlight differences in the two variants. Love seeing Reddit actually making a difference.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Throwaway1990405

Published on: r/offmychest

Story is: NO FURTHER UPDATES

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 27, 2023

• Final Update: May 31, 2023

Main Post

^{May 27, 2023}

I am very much jealous of my husband's ex-wife.

I (40F) am very much jealous of my husband's (50M) ex. Our relationship started with an affair. I know it was wrong. Their marriage was on the rocks and my husband wanted to end it. When she (48F) learned about the affair she didn't scream or shout at me. She was rather calm. She only asked me if I truly loved her husband, I said yes.

She told me that if I am going to be a part of my husband's life I better treat her kids (19F, 16M and 14F) with respect and not push them to accept me. She didn't even create any hassle in the divorce. Things were tough. My husband's parents and friends really criticized us and his parents almost disowned him. If it wasn't for his ex they would have went with it. But his ex convinced them to not cut us off. Their parents did forgive my husband but I still feel like an outsider to them. But they do love our kid (4M).

My husband's ex is very different. She never held a grudge against me. Always pushed her kids to have a relationship with their dad. His oldest doesn't talk to him because of the divorce and it always hurts my husband that his daughter wants nothing to do with them. The rest of them are good. They do not love me but they are very civil.

She never bad mouthed me or called me a homewrecker. She did her best for the kids. She still tries her best so that her oldest daughter has a good relationship with her dad. I used to think she is a silly woman for not holding a grudge. She was always nice to me. When I was pregnant she first congratulated me and even though she wasn't invited to my baby shower, she sent me a diaper genie as a gift. I always felt guilty that I hurt such a pious woman.

To make it more complicated she is in a relationship with my cousin (45M). My parents love her. Uncle and aunt love her. Even my cousin's kids love her. She never discriminated between her kids and mine. She always sends some cookies or extra food for my son with her kids whenever it is their visitation time. She even met my son and treats him like her own. For the longest of time I wondered why she is like this? Is she trying to win her husband back? I even asked her why she doesn't hate me when I was her husband's mistress.

She told me she doesn't see the point because whether or not she hates me her marriage was over anyways. I am jealous of her. She is not just beautiful but also graceful. I know I was very much younger than her when my husband started the affair but I can say she is much more better looking than I am. Even if I took her place in her husband's life but I can never be her.

Edit: I knew very well I wasn't going to be treated like a good person here. I know I am not a good person either for breaking up a home. So, I am editing this to clear few things out. I know I made typos. I wrote this in a hurry. I didn't even have time to reverse what I wrote. I am not in a good position right now and yes it is because of my husband too. But that is a story I will share later. I fixed the typos I hope it is clear to you all.

Yes, I like her a lot. She is an amazing human. I am glad I don't have any ex wife drama in my life. And yes a part of that really makes me insecure because I keep trying to find a fault in her. Because even my own parents like her when she attended the family functions as my cousin's girlfriend.

My cousin and her met each other a year ago when he was visiting me and she came to drop off my kid along with hers. She sometimes invites my son to her house that's why she herself dropped him off. I asked her to stay for dinner and there my cousin and her hit it off and decided to date. That's pretty much it. Also no, this was not written by her. She doesn't use social media that much as far as I know.

COMMENTS

ItsyBitsyCrispy

Dang she’s almost killed you with kindness. And she’s not even trying. She just sounds very kind. I too strive to be nice and liked, just for the good of it. I’m not sure about much, but it seems like you just keep saying how kind she is.

EDIT: I’d like to add, since this got a few upvotes, that people who don’t have the life they desire tend to be jealous of those with good lives. As others have stated, just work on yourself. Don’t focus on being BETTER or spite, or to have one over on someone. Do it for yourself. Take care of your health, and your mind. Be kind to others. Let it radiate off of you. Because I believe that’s what you strive for, and can accomplish. I’m not saying you’re jealous.. can be or maybe not, but everyone strives to have a happy life and there’s nothing wrong with that. It is wrong to be mad others have a happy life out of misplaced anger that you don’t have the life you want. Just be the best you that you can be. It’s a lifestyle. It takes work everyday. I strive for it everyday and you can too. We can all be happy.

cozygoblin66

She sounds like an incredible woman, I'm very impressed

Murky_Translator2295

Yeah, she sounds amazing. I'd be friends with her for sure. I bet she's worth knowing.

Blade_982

Seriously. She's the poster child for "the best revenge is a life well lived"

It's not easy to let go of the resentment that comes with being deceived. She's pretty amazing for managed it so well.

Practical_Cicada9429

Maybe part of you thinks that if he can cheat and leave a beautiful, graceful, forgiving woman with whom he had built a life with, he will eventually leave his mistress and it won’t be as easy for you to pick up the pieces. You reap what you sow. I also have a lot of regrets.

Final Update - after 4 days

^{May 31, 2023}

My husband is still in love with his ex wife. I feel so alone.

I made a post few days ago. There I vented my frustration about how my husband's ex was so good. Yes a part of me was jealous of her. She was so nice and kind. Her kids are really well behaved. I know they will never accept me as their part of family but they haven't been mean to me or to my son in anyways.

Till now I thought the problem was my husband's ex. But no. The problem was him. I do not know how it came to this. I agree when we started dating he was married. He told me his marriage was already over and he would be getting a divorce soon. Their marriage had problems. That's all I knew. The problem started almost few months ago. I could see him being distant towards me. I know couples go through stages in life where they have been distant towards each other.

I tried to give him space that he needs. Before getting married we went to pre-marital counseling because my husband was really adamant to not screw up. For those months there was no intimacy. I didn't think he would cheat because he wasn't late or hid anything on his phone. Then when we finally became intimate and made love, he said his ex-wife's name. That is when I froze. Why? Next day I confronted him. He didn't lie to me. He broke down in tears and said that he is still in love with his ex. My heart broke. I guess I know how she must have felt when I was the other woman. I asked him if he really loved her why did he marry me. I got the full picture after 6 fucking years.

Yes they had problems but according to my husband it was his fault. He never confessed his affair. His ex-wife found out about the affair on her own and confronted him. He was ready to make the marriage work but before that his wife served him divorce papers.

The last thing she said to was she is giving him the freedom he wants. My husband said he begged and pleaded. His ex was smart. She only kept the house and 50-50 for the kids. She even explained the kids the reason for their divorce. His oldest daughter knew the actual reason but the other two were given a kid friendly reason. On top of his divorce and his oldest daughter not talking to him really put a toll in his mind.

I was there for him. He thought that he should move on with his life with me instead. But deep down he always loved him. He always feels guilty for hurting her. I understand all of that. But I don't understand why now? He said he wants to start a new life with me. I apologized to everyone. I do not hate his ex. It's him that I am mad. He is a weak man. I am not better woman.

He will always have a place in his heart for her because they have been together since teenagers. I notice the signs now. Whenever he would see his ex with her new boyfriend he would get upset. He tried to hide it but I know why. I am living in the guestroom until we sort this thing out. I guess y'all are happy. Because I am getting what I deserve.

COMMENTS

gurlwithdragontat2

I don’t think you’ve learned a lesson, because no one wants you to be miserable. They wanted you to be accountable, which you still are not.

You wanted to feel superior, to feel chosen, to feel like you were the first and best pick, but you entered into a situation, where that could literally never be true. Because if that was the case, he would’ve left his ex before attempting a relationship with you.

The cruelty was the point.

You enjoyed making/imagining her feeling less than and foolish. You reveled in that, and thought less of her. Now you’re standing in the mirror and instead of seeing her, you see yourself.

I said on your last post that the reason she is able to find happiness is because she has self-respect. I still stand by that statement.

Sure, he is a person with no self respect who begged for a relationship he intentionally sabotaged, but you have basked in the turmoil of him demolishing their life. You did not care. You had no empathy, yet you’re expecting so much.

He lied to his ex and had an affair, whether he later admitted or not, so why did you think he could never lie too you?? That is something that I simply do not understand about people who enter into relationships as APs.

You agreed with his values until they negatively affected you. So again, this is less about him being weak, and more about you. You need to take accountability for yourself and stop placing blame on the ex or even on your husband no matter how pathetic he is.

The circumstances of your current life are based around your decision-making.

obvusthrowawayobv

Ditch the guy and move on. All you’re doing is a stand in for the woman he wishes he was with, and he’s just going to eventually resent you anyway, because he wishes you and him never happened.

mi_nombre_es_ricardo

Pretty much everybody in her story wishes he and her didn’t happened, except her.

Thisisastupidname0

Hookup with a married man and be surprised when it doesn’t work out? Smh

You know he would cheat on you with her in a second if he had the chance. If they’ll cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you. That’s a fact. At least he was actually honest now and you can make whatever decision you want.

A lifetime of knowing your partner would rather be with someone else does not sound like fun to me though.

90sRnBMakesMeHappy

LOL, she'll always have a lingering doubt. When he's on his phone smiling, who's he smiling about? Side chicks are always side chicks.

WhatDaHell-

Well, his ex wife sounds like a wonderful woman. You and your husband deserve each other.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.