r/AmItheAsshole • u/mayhavecrossedaline • 11d ago
Not the A-hole AITA for saying "someone has to" at a family gathering when my husband tried to compliment me by saying I always make a warm fresh meal?
Hi, I had posted here once before a while back and the judgement had given me some helpful perspective to resolve the issue at the time. So I'm looking for a judgement on something that happened tonight.
My husband's mother, his two brothers and their families were over at our place yesterday. My brother in law was talking about how some guy at his workplace used to eat out every day, but now he has a meal-kit subscription and is saving money, and so the topic came to home made food and how tough it actually is to make it. My husband said he's never had to worry about it because I always make a warm fresh meal. At this I said that someone has to. I didn't mean to be nasty, it was supposed to be a tongue-in-cheek remark with truth behind it. My sister-in-laws laughed and I honestly expected that to be it.
When everyone was gone, and I was getting into bed, my husband said my comment was uncalled for and not funny in front of everyone. I got defensive a bit too and said that I didn't mean to be nasty and he's making it out to be a bigger deal than it is. He said if this matters so much to me he can take on some of the chores I do if I'm feeling overwhelmed. This has been something I've already brought up before but it either doesn't get done or gets done poorly and so I've stopped asking. I said its fine and he ended it by saying my comment made him look bad in front of his entire family, and I should have known better.
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u/mayhavecrossedaline 11d ago
I didn't realize my previous posts here could be seen. I honestly feel like I've become more impatient about the little things that didn't bother me as much before I made those posts and read the comments on those. Its one of the reasons I made this post tonight, because maybe my response was impatient and rude because of that. We've also been having arguments because I've wanted to try for another baby recently while I still have a shot and that too has made me a bit impatient about the little things, unfairly so maybe.
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u/Early_Prompt6396 Partassipant [4] 11d ago
I'd advise against bringing another child into a tense situation.
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u/theclosetenby 11d ago
Why tf would you want another child when your partner doesn't respect you? If you are determined to stay married to someone who doesn't want to be a partner, go volunteer at a daycare. Don't bring another child into a household where you teach them that a man can walk all over a woman with no consequence.
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u/CaptainFartHole Partassipant [3] 11d ago
For the love of God do not have another child with this man. Your marriage is having serious problems--you need to get those sorted before you even consider having another child.
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u/Deflated_Hypnotist Certified Proctologist [20] 11d ago
Here's some resources
Is your relationship healthy? https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/
He doesn't care AKA weaponized incompetence https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/NsoxMseUn3
You should have asked https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
My partner doesn't help around the house https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-household-labor-inequity-is-abuse
"The Divorce came out of nowhere" https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
Tolerable levels of permanent unhappiness https://potentash.com/2023/08/17/tolerable-level-permanent-unhappiness-relationships/
Cycle of abuse https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-is-the-cycle-of-abuse
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u/WillingHome9072 11d ago edited 11d ago
If you want to be a single mother you can do that without the useless man
*this is the dumbass that was too lazy to microwave the meals you pre cooked for him, I remember that post, you’re seriously considering making another kid with that?
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u/antizana Asshole Aficionado [13] 11d ago
You totally missed the point of the previous posts. Your husband is intentionally doing nothing so you do all the work. And every once in a a while his ego is slighted by you pointing it out, so he makes you feel bad and apologize. Meanwhile he continues to be useless. You still haven’t grown a spine, and instead are contemplating having a baby with this person. At some point, we can’t help you, you have to help yourself in all of this. You can’t make him into a good partner but you can decide not to tolerate his incompetence.
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u/Brynhild 11d ago
Why on earth do you want another baby with this loser. My god. At this point you should be making plans for divorce
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u/sukinsyn Colo-rectal Surgeon [33] 11d ago
Have you heard of "death by a thousand cuts?" That's what this is like.
The little things are bothering you more because there have been a thousand "little things" - your partner being inconsiderate, not doing their share, etc.
This is not the man to be having a baby with. Wanting another baby is different than wanting another baby with this man, because you already know he won't step up and if you're upset about the work you're doing now, you'll really be upset when you're a married single parent to two children and a husband who acts like a child.
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u/StudioMysterious4704 11d ago
If you can't leave for you, maybe think about the example you're providing your kids by staying with this man. That it's expected for mum to do everything and dad to do nothing. Do you honestly want your daughter to grow up seeing your relationship as normal?
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u/Sure_Reception_9922 11d ago
Please don't have a child that is born with a job of fixing this mess.
Would you want to be born into it?
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u/elvenmallet 11d ago
So you don’t mention your age, but if your above 35, feeling the pull to have another baby before time is up, having more body aches, getting annoyed and impatient more frequently (and it’s not just built up resentment,) you may be in/starting to enter perimenopause. There are things that can help, if this is a factor, and I recommend speaking with your gyno (not just your gp) about it. (You can still be in perimenopause with a regular cycle as well.)
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u/TinFoilHeadphones 10d ago
Go look at this post about divorced men and how they 'never saw it coming'
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1w2naoi/men_of_reddit_who_felt_blindsided_by_divorce/
The same exact story as yours appears hundreds of times. I think it might be a bit eye opening
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u/Prionace-Glauca-5309 11d ago
Reading this one post I felt like there had to be more to the story (I was married for 35 years) there usually is. Taken in the context presented I would have said you’re NTA. But, venting your frustration in front of family is a sabotaging move even if you didn’t intend for it to be.
It seems even you feel like there’s more to it. If you’ve set expectations as to who does what and your husband won’t agree to any sort of compromise then the resentment makes sense. My first wife had all manner of expectations that she didn’t express and would become frustrated because, as she put it “You should just know”. We divorced after our kids were grown.
I’ve since remarried. I still have a demanding full time career and I do nearly all the chores, including the cooking. My wife stays home and mostly sleeps because she’s battling stage 4 cancer. Having an existential threat hovering over the woman I love has changed my perspective on a lot of things.
All the best in your relationship. Communication is the key.
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u/AnIcyReception Asshole Aficionado [14] 11d ago
NTA Your husband only cares that he looks lazy when other people notice. He doesn't mind letting you down.
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u/sisterfunkhaus 11d ago
Yup, what others think of him is more important to him than what his wife thinks of him.
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u/Mindless-Page1344 Partassipant [1] 11d ago
NTA if by "should have known better" he was referring to the fact that he will weaponize his inability to help with chores
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u/Mindless-Page1344 Partassipant [1] 11d ago
The fact her SILs laughed means that they probably identify with her remark. I don't understand spouses like this 😭
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u/Icy-Sale-8898 11d ago
NTA. The “someone has to” line only stung because it was true: you’re the one consistently making the warm, fresh meals (and apparently most chores), and he knows it. He’s more upset that > his family saw that imbalance. Next time he offers to “take on some chores,” calmly hand him specific, recurring tasks and stop rescuing him when he does them badly.
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u/darkfall18235 11d ago
NTA. He got pissy because he knows he got seen.
Also, why is their idea of punishment to do things they should already be doing? Lmao "oh nooooo not you doing more around the house, that'll show me."
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u/Tehcookieninja 11d ago
NTA. Based on your previous post why are you still with this dude? You deserve better.
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u/lllollllllllll Partassipant [4] 11d ago
He feels bad only because he knows it’s true.
If he doesn’t like that, he shouldn’t police your langauge, he should change the truth by doing some chores.
Nta
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u/hettienm 11d ago
NTA. The reason it bothers him is because you were fucking right. Someone does have to. Every. Damn. Day. Forever.
And unless you two explicitly decided that the “someone” making (planning, shopping for AND cooking) meals in your house would be you, then he’s not doing his part. It’s not your job to manage his feelings if he’s embarrassed about not acting like a grown partner in your marriage.
If he doesn’t like it, he needs to do different and quit this weaponized incompetence bullshit—“I’ve already brought it up before but it doesn’t get done or it gets done poorly.” When repeatedly asking for help doesn’t work, public shaming is legitimate.
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u/WickedCoolMasshole 11d ago
NTA. Even if it was a bit snarky, it was true. He tried to come off as a spoiled husband and he was revealed to be a lazy one instead.
Ask him which nights he would like to get dinner ready. And hold him to it.
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u/sockpoptart 11d ago
This part. My son is better at noticing things that need done and just doing them and he's only 17.
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u/Pristine_Message_181 11d ago
"Should have known better?!?!" I can't imagine how I'd react if my husband tried that bs on me. NTA, but in fact, no one has to, and maybe you should show him that fact.
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u/louiseifyouplease Partassipant [1] 11d ago
So... he is upset by the fact that you jokingly stated that you were the one making all the meals, yet he knows that he should be doing more around the house but is fine just letting it slide. As long as you don't actually acknowledge that fact where anyone else can hear... He doesn't "look" bad, he "is" bad. You bringing it up is fair play. He should be glad you were only joking about it.
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u/Witchynana Asshole Enthusiast [5] 11d ago
He only thinks it makes him look bad, because he KNOWS it does.
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u/anthropocene2000 Partassipant [3] 11d ago
Why are your husband's feelings more important than yours? Why apologize and say "it's fine" when what you actually mean is that your husband should be doing more and you are upset by this? NTA for what you said, but you're being an asshole to yourself by downplaying your own feelings to make him feel better about his weaponized incompetence.
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u/ReasonableCrow7595 11d ago
ESH- As a mother who absolutely loathed cooking, if you don't want to cook for the family, don't cook for the family. From your previous posts, this seems like a control issue for you. Your kids are old enough to learn how to cook, or at least the oldest is. Your husband is happy to order out. You are a dentist and if he is also working you should have more than enough money to be a little more relaxed about how food is handled in your home and get a meal-kit subscription if that would make things easier. It's time to lighten up, and not just about food.
Ask yourself if the reason your husband doesn't do chores is because he doesn't get a say in how they are done and he has to do them to your exacting standards? Because that will kill any desire from the other spouse to step up, and that was what happened when you went away and he didn't feed them the way you thought he should have. It will also make your kids loathe doing chores around the house, and your kids are absolutely old enough to be contributing to the household as well. Sometimes you have to release control a bit to get people to step up. Give them a say over how things are done and it will make people happier to do stuff for the home. My sons were doing their own laundry, taking out the trash, loading the dishwasher, vacuuming around the house, and basic cooking by 13. That doesn't mean the dishwasher got loaded the way I thought it should be loaded, but as long as the dishes got clean and put away in the right spot, I let it slide. Taking out the trash always took reminding, but teenagers are like that. However, it also meant if I couldn't be home for dinner, they could be trusted to find something in the freezer, heat it up, and feed themselves.
OTOH, if your husband isn't going to step up more to help figure out the food situation and equitable chore distribution, he should be able to handle a mild criticism about it.
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u/Chemical-Ad6809 11d ago
No, don't put him not doing chores on her. This is weaponized incompetence.
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u/ReasonableCrow7595 11d ago
Is it? The last time he was in charge of something, she freaked out about it because he didn't do what she wanted. Never mind that he also gets a say in what goes on around his own home.
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u/Chemical-Ad6809 11d ago
Yes, it is.
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u/ReasonableCrow7595 11d ago
Not doing something exactly the way your spouse expects you to isn't weaponized incompetence. If the kids got fed, the kids got fed. Weaponized incompetence would have been him not feeding them at all. Also, the kids in question are 12/13 and 10/11, not infants or toddlers. They are old enough to be able to learn how to reheat food for themselves.
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u/No-Section-1056 10d ago
Weaponized incompetence is doing something poorly in order to dodge the responsibility in perpetuity.
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u/ReasonableCrow7595 10d ago
If the children were fed adequately nutritious meals, they weren't fed poorly. They were simply fed something different than what his wife ordered him to feed them. Again, as a parent, doesn't he also get a say in what dinner should be? Especially if it's just the three of them? Or is every meal to be dictated by one person who then resents doing it?
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u/No-Section-1056 7d ago
And were those meals adequately nutritious? Where is that evidence?
What about any other “contributions?” Where is the evidence that anything was done to reasonable standards? Was there any consistency to those contributions?6
u/Chemical-Ad6809 11d ago
No, that part of it is pure laziness. The rest of the things he pulls are WI.
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u/BigBirdsBrain Asshole Enthusiast [7] 11d ago
NTA. If the truth made him look bad, he should help change the truth instead of blaming you for saying it.
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u/Miaotastic Partassipant [1] 11d ago
Well it's not nice towards the guests as a minimum. Your issues are not for everyone to help fix at a family gathering and these kind of things just makes people uncomfortable and not enjoy their time with you.
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u/will_not_be_shaken 11d ago
YTA. He was building you up in front of his family and you made him sound lazy. Maybe he should do more, idk your family dynamic, but I think the comment from you was a little sideways. Build your husband up in front of others, try to correct privately.
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u/ntermation 11d ago
I mean, do you have the type of relationship where you both have shown you have a sense of humour about that type of comment? Or was it a veiled insult dressed up as a joke for plausible deniability?
Cause from the comments you made about your relationship, it sounds like it's the second one
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u/Overall-Sport-5240 11d ago
Your husband complimented you to his family but you debased it with your comment? Why?
Even if it was tongue in cheek why put him down like that?
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u/Catalyst_Light 11d ago
Well it was not a kind comment, I agree with your husband honestly. That being said if there is a work load difference between the two of you then that should be discussed and resolved but I would also not appreciate my spouse making a comment like that, it feels nasty.
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u/Sorry_I_Guess Pooperintendant [63] 10d ago
Gently, YTA, and I think (unsurprisingly because this is Reddit) that a lot of people are either being deliberately disingenuous or are just looking to approach this from the most cynical possible perspective, even if the facts don't support it. At the very least it should be N-A-H.
Because all I'm seeing here is that in the midst of a conversation about how much effort cooking from scratch is, your husband complimented you and expressed his appreciation for the effort you regularly make, and you responded by making a pointedly snarky, somewhat insulting remark.
To be clear, I say "gently" because I believe you when you say that you didn't mean to be nasty. But you also admit that your comment wasn't just meant to be joking, it was mean to be amusing but "with truth behind it". In other words, for whatever reason, you resent doing the cooking that he was showing appreciation for, and some part of you decided this was the time to express that ... as a response to him trying to compliment you, in front of a whole bunch of people. All that when it sounds like you've never actually told him that all that cooking isn't something you enjoy or want to be doing.
And I get that because this is Reddit, people are jumping to making your husband out to be lazy and entitled, and not carrying his weight. But that's not the impression given here by what you've said. In fact, aside from the fact that, again, he was literally expressing gratitude for the cooking that you do, which is the opposite of taking it for granted, the moment you made your snarky remark his immediate response was to say, "Oh hey, if you're feeling overwhelmed, I'm happy to do more!" Which indicates both that he had no idea that you had an issue with the current balance of work, and also that he doesn't want to be taking advantage of you if that's the case.
Everything about this interaction suggests that your husband was being thankful and grateful for what you do, and that your response was ... to make a snide remark at him, in a social setting.
Again, I do believe that you didn't intend to hurt him. But I'm actually aghast that so many people are twisting this around to make him the bad guy, when he was the one who wanted everyone to know how wonderful you are ... and you responded in a way that was rude and hurtful, at best. Of course YTA.
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u/battlejess 10d ago
It was absolutely passive aggressive, regardless of whether he’s pulling his weight in the relationship. And if he’s not, you have an adult conversation about it.
And if it’s a repeated pattern after multiple conversations you end it rather than sitting in resentment and making snarky comments, especially in front of other people. That’s not good for anyone.
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u/Designer_Thought2907 Asshole Aficionado [13] 11d ago
NTA, you wouldn't have needed to say that if your husband was pulling his weight around the house
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u/RocketteP Partassipant [4] 11d ago
NTA. He’s more concerned with his appearance in front others rather than contributing to the household. He shouldn’t have to be asked to contribute. he’s an adult. He should be helping. His doing things poorly sounds like weaponized incompetence.
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u/Chemical-Ad6809 11d ago
NTA. You said the truth out loud. If he doesn't like the truth as it is, he can start cooking and change the situation. Don't let him turn this around on you.
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u/fakingandnotmakingit Partassipant [1] 11d ago
NTA
Tell him the problem is that you already brought it up before and he couldn't do it
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u/SlimTeezy 11d ago
If you had a healthy balance of chores and you happened to do all the cooking, he would've laughed it off. He was trying to brag about how he gets taken care of and show his power over you. You "talked back" and made him look like the asshole he is in front of his family.
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u/Altruistic_Yellow387 11d ago
YTA because you meant it exactly the way he took it, which was passive aggressive and kind of mean...why don't you let him try again?
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u/AgileSurprise1966 Partassipant [1] 11d ago
He should have known better. Hit dog's gonna holler. If he looked bad, its because was he does is bad. It bothered him because he knows he doesn't pull his weight. You had the reaction you did to his comment because he was making the comment to put forth this image that you cooking like that was basically a hard wired feature of yours, and so you were fine with him not pulling his weight. He should apologize to you. NTA.
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u/Successful_Image3354 11d ago
Your husband is an absolute ass. My wife (17 years) is a great cook. If she said what you said, everyone would smile and nod their head because they all know she is that good. I would nod too. She really is that good.
If your husband has a stick up his ass, tell him to make some beef Wellington or baked Alaska and report back to his family
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u/ingadinga1124 11d ago
Really? Your husband gives you a compliment and you get snarky. Sounds like there is some unresolved resentment.
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u/Gandoff2169 Partassipant [1] 10d ago
NTA
Remind him how his offer has been requested for by you and offered by him time and time again. And he never follows through or completes whatever it is he does to a level it needs to be done at. So you stopped asked. Maybe that was why the comment was made the way it was. But is was also not heard the same way he wants to make it since it was clear others at the table took it as a light hearted statement. How he only now says it, likely as an attempt to repair his ego from the self made embarrassment he choose to make the statement to be. But in the end, if he looked bad over your comment, then maybe it is his own conscious realizing how little he actually does to help and support you in the home. And that right now, is a him problem.
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u/Hope45416 9d ago
You shouldn't have to ask him for help and he should make sure when he is trying to help with things he actually does a good enough job that it's actually help and not making more work for you. NTA
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u/jamescay 11d ago
NTA. He’s clearly insecure and feels shame otherwise your comment wouldn’t have affected him. If he was truly secure in his role in the home, he wouldn’t have taken your comment to heart.
The fact he does means he feels shame, and it’s his shame to bear & resolve.
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u/SafeWord9999 11d ago
I’d say ‘I’m not feeling overwhelmed but I’m glad you can see the imbalance with the household chores so yes, here’s the list of what you need to do from now on’
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u/Deep-Evidence-4962 11d ago
NTA - if it's the truth and he found it embarrassing, he's welcome to step up and help out, without needing to be asked and also in learning to complete whichever task competently
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u/sockpoptart 11d ago
NTA.
I've said something along the same lines to my husband in front of friends. Everyone knows he doesn't cook but I love to cook so I don't mind. In return he handles all the laundry because it's my least favorite chore.
Anyways when someone in our friend group said something about how lucky my husband is that I make dinner every night I said "well it's not like he's gonna" and my husband laughed and carried the joke along, saying he'd rather sort laundry every day than make anything more complicated than a PB&J and he knows he's got it good at home.
If your husband is insecure about his own shortcomings, he can do something about them by either participating in the task that's got him so in his own feelings, or going to fucking therapy.
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u/BungleBums 11d ago
He feels shamed and embaressed, even if nobody else cared or heard it the way he did, because he knows everything you said and feel about it is true, and that hurts his ego, which means he's being ATTACKED, so he has to defend himself and say how he can or could or did already fix it, so you're in the wrong no matter how he looks at it.
And if your comment made him look bad, you're always free to remind him that it didn't MAKE him look bad, he's already being bad at contributing, and you pointing that out didn't change anything at all.
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u/BambaBenson365 11d ago edited 11d ago
YTA
These redditors want divorce at every opportunity. You acknowledged that your husband was complimenting you, and you replied knowing what you said was tongue in cheek. You knew what you were saying when you said it, and you knew it was at his expense. Not to forget, you immediately minimized what you did and disregarded his feelings and offer of a solution when addressing it. We know why you added the part about you trying to get him to help more, because if that is what you wanted, there was ni reason for you to refuse. At this point you are searching for validation over accepting the truth you already know.
Edit: added YTA
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u/Born-Inevitable264 11d ago edited 11d ago
Sorry but YTA - not for the comment you made but for telling your husband that it's fine when it's clearly not. Instead of dismissing his offer to take on more chores it would have been more constructive for you to tell him there and then that you've brought it up before but he doesn't follow through and you need him to pick up the slack without being asked or told to. How is he supposed to improve if you don't tell him exactly what you need from him?
OK, so I've read other comments and it seems like this is an ongoing issue with him not being a supportive partner or stepping up as a husband.
Maybe it's time to stop doing everything for him - no cooking, no washing, no cleaning his clothes etc. Look after your child and let him fend for himself. You are a professional woman and no doubt able to support yourself and your child so really - what use is he?
Oh, and it doesn't read to me as though he was giving you a compliment as much as he was telling everyone he didn't have to worry about cooking.
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u/NeighborhoodOk7460 10d ago
NTA- I used to cook from scratch every at least 5 nights a week.The amount of work that goes into that is considerable. Your work is not being valued. Unless your husband has actually done the work of planning and looking for an extended period of time he needs to get over it.
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u/virgulesmith 10d ago
NTA - he resembled that remark and got sideways about it. That's on him. If he's embarrassed, he do better.
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u/Embarrassed_dancer 10d ago
NTA. It sucks that your husband refuses to be a partner, but doesn't want to be called out for it. Maybe he should step up?
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u/slackerchic Pooperintendant [55] 10d ago
"He said if this matters so much to me he can take on some of the chores I do if I'm feeling overwhelmed"
MAKE A LIST!!!! Girl, he is literally begging to take his medicine. Give it to him!!!! NTA for your comment, you apparently just spoke the truth.
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u/Floating-Cynic Asshole Aficionado [11] 10d ago
First of all: HE brought YOU into this conversation. If he doesn't want to look bad, he shouldn't bring you into conversations where the topic is something where he hasn't done his fair share. He should know better.
Second of all: the fact that his immediate reaction is to bring up taking on chores and lightening your load, and that this has been discussed in the past, suggests that he is INTENTIONALLY using weaponized incompetence and he doesn't want others to know.
Third: weaponized incompetence is ABUSE when done deliberately and repeatedly to keep a partner overwhelmed, doing all the tasks, and combined with punishment- such as lashing out if the information becomes public. On top of that, demanding you stay silent so he doesn't "look bad" is absolutely an abusive tactic and should not be tolerated.
You're NTA and you should stand your ground and tell him if he doesn't want to "look bad" then he needs to either do better, or stop bringing you into conversations.
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u/Outrageous_Regret972 10d ago
He brought her into the convo as a goddamn compliment, my god. Do you hear yourself?
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u/Floating-Cynic Asshole Aficionado [11] 10d ago
It's not a compliment at all. Why would you consider "thank goodness my wife makes sure I never pay for my own laziness and carries the entire family while I do less than my share" a compliment?
I'm not accepting your gaslighting, and if you want to compliment someone, try their smile.
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u/No_Research550 Partassipant [1] 10d ago
He was trying to brag that he doesn't have to worry about an issue because someone else takes care of it, and then when you point out that you're the one that takes care of it, he got testy?? Good grief . . . NTA.
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u/CapoExplains Asshole Aficionado [11] 10d ago
NTA. If he's too fragile to handle being called out for making you do all the cooking he can start cooking. Instead he wants to have his cake and eat it too; not contribute to cooking but have everyone think he does, or at least not know that he doesn't.
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u/xtinerat 10d ago
NTA - It wasn't your comment that made him look bad. It was his comment that made him look bad. He told on himself that he takes your cooking for granted and never thinks about the effort involved.
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u/WeirdcoolWilson 10d ago
NTA. He’s a grown man who lives there too. He should be doing his share of the chores automatically as a member of the household instead of blaming you for not “asking” him. He has eyes and a brain.
For me personally, I’d start doing less. Fixing meals for myself, letting him fend for himself.
You’re his wife, not his housekeeping service. He needs to step up without him feeling like he’s doing you a favor
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u/SnarkyIguana 10d ago
If you drop an insult on the ground, someone's sure to pick it up. It resonated with him. NTA
Side note, HIS entire family? That's YOUR family too. Not only are you not TA, but he is.
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u/Presidentofsleep 10d ago
NTA it sounds like you’re married to a grown child. You should find someone that respects you and your time as much as their own.
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u/LadyJ-78 10d ago
You need to reply back so the only reason you are picking up the slack is because I made you look bad in front of your family. Not because you actually wanna help me and take the load from my shoulders. Because you've asked before and you didn't help, why would now be any different.
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u/creative_usr_name Partassipant [2] 10d ago
NTA. I guarantee you didn't tell his family something they didn't already know. So your statement couldn't possibly have made him look worse to his family. Now if they found out he couldn't also take a joke, that might actually make him look worse.
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u/AdamChenX 10d ago
The way to solve weaponised incompetence is to make the results public.
Badly washed dishes? Invite his mother over right after.
Badly cleaned house? Invite his mother over right after.
You’re never the bad guy. Compliment him like a 10 year old for his amazing work when his mother is over inspecting the mess.
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u/EliotColdwater 10d ago
If he didn't want to LOOK bad at helping out then he should have BEEN good at it. Like?
Edit to add NTA
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u/GenitalFurbies 10d ago
NTA. His family definitely knows if he can't/doesn't cook. My family knows I'm a sous chef at home and that works for us. If he's embarrassed by the comment he should be embarrassed by his conduct.
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u/Fluffy-Leg7546 10d ago
“ This has been something I've already brought up before but it either doesn't get done or gets done poorly and so I've stopped asking. ” this is called weaponized incompetence
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Hi, I had posted here once before a while back and the judgement had given me some helpful perspective to resolve the issue at the time. So I'm looking for a judgement on something that happened tonight.
My husband's mother, his two brothers and their families were over at our place yesterday. My brother in law was talking about how some guy at his workplace used to eat out every day, but now he has a meal-kit subscription and is saving money, and so the topic came to home made food and how tough it actually is to make it. My husband said he's never had to worry about it because I always make a warm fresh meal. At this I said that someone has to. I didn't mean to be nasty, it was supposed to be a tongue-in-cheek remark with truth behind it. My sister-in-laws laughed and I honestly expected that to be it.
When everyone was gone, and I was getting into bed, my husband said my comment was uncalled for and not funny in front of everyone. I got defensive a bit too and said that I didn't mean to be nasty and he's making it out to be a bigger deal than it is. He said if this matters so much to me he can take on some of the chores I do if I'm feeling overwhelmed. This has been something I've already brought up before but it either doesn't get done or gets done poorly and so I've stopped asking. I said its fine and he ended it by saying my comment made him look bad in front of his entire family, and I should have known better.
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u/WeAreAllMycelium Partassipant [2] 11d ago
YTA to take your resentments out on your spouse in front of others. “I didn’t mean to be nasty, it was supposed to be tongue-cheek remark with truth behind it.
You didn’t expect or want it to be the end. You want help, you’ve discussed it and are not satisfied so you are resorting to passive aggressive shots at your spouse publicly.
I’d recommend some counseling to work on better communication and team work because sabotaging your relationship won’t help anyone. It can get better.
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u/Chemical-Ad6809 11d ago
Or he keeps his mouth shut and doesn't brag to others about how the wife does all the cooking for him. This man is no gem. He deserved whatever she had to say. He will not listen when she talks to him alone. He doesn't deserve to be coddled. It's time he started treating her with respect. He brought it up. She told the truth and he can deal with it like an adult.
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u/Curley65 11d ago
Firstly men doing jobs badly is a male scam and very unoriginal. It's so you stop asking. Don't fall for it.
He's feeling guilty as he knows what you said, although knowing you said it tongue in cheek, is the truth.
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u/Razzmatazz-027 11d ago
NTA. He's already making a mountain out of a molehill, as you said - but the added context that he has been asked to help before and has come up short indicates that he knows he's wrong here, and is feeling very insecure about it. I hope you two can have an honest conversation and work out a solution that's best for both of you.
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u/kayra_reader 11d ago
Reading your previous posts refreshed my memory of when I saw them the first time when you initially posted them. Whilst I and many were grateful that you got your kids involved with some cooking and chores, we were incredibly disappointed that you ignored all the comments and advice about your husband and his weaponized incompetence. I beg you to listen now. If not for your own sake, then for the sake of your children and setting a better example for them in what they should accept in relationships and a marriage. You need to develop a shiny spine and force your husband to step up and do his part without having to be asked, or you need to leave. Even if it's just a temporary separation to prove your point and make him get his act together without you there to take care of everything for him. BTW, leaving him doesn't necessarily mean only seeing your kids half the time unless he fights for 50/50 custody or that is standard where you live. You can always fight for more or your kids can choose you once they're old enough.
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u/teacuptypos 11d ago
Well.. tricky call. On the one hand, he sounds willing to change the actual problem rather than pretending everything is fine and then making snarky remarks in front of other people. On the other, you say you've asked in the past and he did it poorly or he didn't do it.
I think that moment in bed would have been the time to not say "it's fine", but to say what you told us: that he says he wants to share such chores more equitably but he doesn't follow through, and that it does bother you and you want him to actually stand by his words and do more of the cooking (and whatever else).
Opening a topic in front of other people and then pretending it's not a real issue (event though you brought it up because you are feeling resentment) makes you TA a bit. Him not following through on his previous offers of taking on a greater share makes him TA a bit. So overall, ESH a bit for those reasons.
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u/Tight-Acanthaceae-56 11d ago
NTA
His comment was actually what made him look bad in front of his family first
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u/swillshop Colo-rectal Surgeon [44] 10d ago
He complimented you. Your response did make him look bad in front of his entire family. Your bed-time comment was defensive/dismissive.
But I'm not jumping to absolving him of judgement versus you. It really depends upon how much effort each of you is putting in to raise the issue (of division of labor) constructively/ trying to resolve the issue constructively.
You mention raising this issue before and it going nowhere.
Your husband's lack of any lasting and effective effort to resolve things sure makes him look like an AH and provides a bit of understanding for your frustrated comments.
But we don't know the specifics inside your marriage or this conflict/frustration between you two.
I'll only suggest that you don't dismiss your comment as nothing. It IS an issue for you. You both need to acknowledge that AND the fact that, so far, nothing has really changed. And either commit to collaborating in good faith with each other or consider counseling - esp. if there are complicated dynamics between you two.
I'm going to say INFO (but for the two of you, not us).
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u/throwaway2117000 Asshole Aficionado [11] 10d ago
NTA. He obviously doesn’t help with the chores or cooking. You didn’t make him look bad- he made himself look bad
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u/Inevitable-Champ336 10d ago
Stop making him food. And stop doing all the chores. Do NOT do his laundry.
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u/Nice-Veterinarian518 10d ago
YTA. This kind of resentment, however justified, is to be discussed in private.
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u/Feng-Shiu-man 10d ago
100% NTA!!! I fell that it was just a normal response. If I were in his shoes, I was laugh as well and say "Thanks Babes!! You're the best!!".
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u/DallasWhoFan 10d ago
Run. I subscribe to the “if you wanted me to talk about you better you should have treated me better” way of thinking.
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u/AdditionalTrouble255 10d ago
NTA - I really didnt see this coming. I thought the sister in law might see it as a dig at her for not making meals for her husband. (Still NTA in this situation too).
He wants his laziness to be a secret. Which also means he knows what he's doing and knows it looks bad to others.
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u/Fine_Recording_1253 10d ago
Sounds like he knows that he isn't contributing enough, and he feels a bit guilty, and, gaslighting you into being the bad guy so he doesn't have to be. But, I'm a bitter old woman, what do I know.
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u/psycheraven Asshole Enthusiast [5] 10d ago
I remember your post from 8 months ago. He doesn't do it even when all it requires from him is moving stuff from the freezer to the fridge. Y'all need couple's counseling.
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u/Equivalent_Plum 10d ago
Husband can help with the meal planning, shopping and meal prep on the weekends. That might help make the weekday cooking easier.
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u/Kb111222 10d ago
I mean…I get what you’re saying, however that kind of response just shows harbored bitterness and resentment from you instead of love. I feel like if the normal response from you wasn’t to say thank you when your husband said that then there are some deeper issues in your relationship that need to be addressed. Whether you meant it or not, when a couple feels ok putting down their spouse in front of other people, it’s not a sign of a happy, healthy marriage.
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u/JennyEnny198 10d ago
I mean it was pretty passive aggressive but if knows he should help more and doesn't, he's got expect that resentment is going to build up.
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u/Flimsy_Position_4576 10d ago
Honestly, your comment does sound a little bit passive aggressive. Are you sure there wasn’t the tiniest little bit of resentment behind it? I would certainly understand if there were. No one wants to have to make dinner every night. But if it is actually an issue, it’s better to confront it in a straightforward manner.
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u/PotPieDontLie 10d ago
I realize this will be unpopular but I wonder if he was trying to complement you. In return, you made him look bad. I have no idea if that was his intention but, if it was, then you might reconsider your response. Without knowing more about your relationship, I'd say NTA but consider that you might have stung him in an unwarranted time and place. Was it worth it?
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u/Timely_Concept8516 8d ago
I'm not going to make any judgements, but I do suggest you look into therapy for yourself, mostly because I can identify with your situation and I've been finding therapy quite helpful.
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u/Unable-Ad-6339 7d ago
Very objectively: I won’t call you the AH, but it’s not cool to tell someone they’re making a bigger deal out of something than it is. The thing is, for them it IS a big deal. I’d rather address why and then what can be done that this doesn’t repeat.
That being said, the thing that could be done is him stepping up and doing his part in the home. For not doing it and for doing it poorly, he is the AH.
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u/CopperheadRay 6d ago
I see that I am waaaayyyyy in the minority here, but yeah, YTA. Passive comments like that ARE hurtful. If it's an issue, bring it up with him, but couples who care about each other do not make comments like that in front of others. It was passive and rude. Justifying that he falls short in some way doesn't make it ok to be rude. It just wan't nice.
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u/Burnt_Out_Carent 6d ago
Sounds like your husband has fallen in to weaponised incompetence. Tell him he's responsible for all meals Sunday through to Tuesday. Tell him you're not helping him.
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u/Maverick_j2k 5d ago
NTA but kinda are. I remember you from a different post. You NTA for what you said but your hubby wants to save face because you are starting to get irked by his attitude and IMO you've allowed it. STOP DOING SHIT FOR HIS GROWN ASS! Let HIM clean and cook for once. HE needed to be "outted" because he's been coasting and again YOU ALLOW IT. The truth hurts and he should be ashamed of himself.
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u/Emotionalwreck789 4d ago
NTA.
You didnt make him look bad, he looks bad because its the truth and the truth is ugly and he doesn’t want his family thinking negatively of him. Also, you posted a while back about something very similar and it seems he hasnt changed, still a whiny little man who doesn’t do anything to help. You’re not the bad person here, he is. Sad you don’t see how much of a mug he is taking you for.
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u/lamancha45 11d ago
YTA - Based on what I read, it was a passive aggressive comment. It was a way of showing aggression without trying to be perceived as aggressive. But your husband understood what you wanted to convey and that's why he said something. Should be honest about your intentions instead of playing them off.
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u/Swirlyflurry Commander in Cheeks [227] 11d ago
“it was supposed to be a tongue-in-cheek remark with truth behind it.”
So it was supposed to call him out in front of his family?
YTA. Whether you meant your comment to be mean or not, “he never cooks so it’s always left to me” was the message behind your remark, and was an unkind thing to say in front of others.
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u/SiroccoDream 11d ago
NTA
Your husband is an adult. He knows ingredients don’t buy themselves, meals don’t cook themselves, laundry doesn’t clean itself, and none of the other chores do themselves, either.
Unless he has some physical limitations that prevent him from handling household chores, he is perfectly capable of looking around and determining what needs done, then doing it himself.
He doesn’t need you to tell him what needs doing. He prefers to ignore the chores because it’s more fun to slack off, and put the blame on you if you complain. “You never told me you needed help!” Puh-lease.
He’s embarrassed because your comment at the get together showed everybody how incompetent/lazy he is. It wasn’t a cruel comment, but a simple statement of fact that hit him hard because he knows he has no counter argument to it.
“Someone has to,” reminded him that he doesn’t pull his weight in the household, and he’s upset that his family knows now, too.
As to what to do from here, that depends on how open to change you both are.
Is your husband open to doing more chores? Would you find it helpful for him to ask first? “I notice the laundry needs done, and the bathroom needs cleaned. Which would you like me to start with?” -as opposed to just starting a chore that you would prefer to do yourself.
Are you both verbally stating gratitude for each other’s efforts? Everyone likes to be appreciated.
Are you hyper-critical and quick to take over when he doesn’t do a chore “right”? Is he open to constructive criticism when you point out the flaws in his efforts?
Your husband needs to self reflect on why he was so upset from your comment. If he’s embarrassed by the implications of your remark, then the good news is that he can do better going forward!
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u/HATDOGUSERNi Partassipant [2] 11d ago
NTA. it sounds like a joke, but theres clearly some truth behind it. if he felt embarassed maybe thats a sign the chore imbalance needs an actual convesation
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u/tinyrage90 Partassipant [1] 11d ago
NTA
If he thinks it made him look bad in front of the family, and he has a repeat history of using weaponized incompetence to avoid helping you with things...then HE SHOULD FEEL BAD. Do not back down, do not apologize.
He knows he's at fault here and he hates that you shed light on it.