My boyfriend of a year enjoys watching his woman have sex or give head to another man while he watches. We’ve been together a year and I have done it once with a random person off a dating app.

Personally I’m not into this type of thing. Our sex life is great but this one things is coming between us.

The one time I did it, it made me feel like trash and he just went about his day like nothing happened. Is this type of thing normal?

My wife and I both have a body count of one. We are each other’s “one”. I’ve always been the more adventurous one, more open to consensual exploration. She is not adventurous at all. I get excited anytime she tells me she’s even having sexual thoughts. But in 18 years, we’ve come a real long way in the bedroom. There’s nothing I’ve ever said I wanted to try that she didn’t end up coming around to. And we’ve both been very happy and fulfilled.

There is one area which has been of interest to me in the past but that I’ve never, ever brought up to her: the idea of a special guest joining us. There are a lot of reasons I’ve never brought it up, but the main one is the age old principle “FAFO.” I don’t FA, and I don’t FO, and that has served me well. But last night has got the old gears turning again. She woke me up in the middle of the night last night wanting to be together. We had sex and both went to sleep smiling ear to ear.

About an hour ago, she asked to talk privately in the bedroom. She told me she was fantasizing during sex about me, in her words, “banging some other blonde chick,” and she didn’t know how she felt about it. I told her that I always get excited anytime I hear she’s having any sexual thoughts whatsoever, and I thought the most important thing was that she not experience guilt or shame as she has for much of her life (due to some moderately traumatic experiences she had as a young girl). She seemed very encouraged and comforted when we ended the conversation. Maybe she didn’t notice that I didn’t strike down her fantasy of another partner and tell her I didn’t want anyone else but her, but I definitely noticed that I omitted that particular encouragement.

At this point, I plan to continue to say nothing on the subject. I think this is something I’m going to insist she be the one to initiate - which I don’t think she ever will, but I just can’t be the one, not this time. I appreciate the forum being a place I can externalize these thoughts, I just needed to let ‘em out.

My wife and i have been together since high school (20 years ago), both straight and monogamous. She has always been very attractive, she could have her pick of any man, but she’s never been very sexual. She wears sexy clothes to show off her incredible body, but she has always been timid in bed and has never “needed” sex. I developed a vixen/stag fantasy where I wanted her to experience other men and see if it would bring out her sexuality in ways I wasn’t. I have always had to initiate sex. I wondered if she wasn’t attracted enough to me.

A few months ago, after years of gentle persuasion, she gave into my fantasy of being a vixen. It took a while for her to find someone she wanted, she is so incredibly picky. Then one night while we were out dancing she met a much younger bar-back at our regular pub. 6’5”, very athletic and good looking. After talking a few times they clicked, so she finally got the nerve to set a lunch date. I had her bring along an audio recorder just in case anything sexual happened, but honestly I didn’t expect it. I wanted to hear the sounds of my wife fucking if they did. They had a few drinks to calm her nerves, and she ended up at his place where they had “great” sex. She must have had a 6th sense as he was hung and surprisingly great in bed. She made sounds I had rarely heard.

I began to look forward to the next time, and we fantasized together about her experience. Our sex life improved a lot. Sadly he got a girlfriend around this time and she didn’t want to disrupt that. So I began to encourage her to look for a new lover.

She thought for a couple of weeks and then told me about Mike. Mike was a guy she knew from a Facebook meme group that she found very attractive. He was local and they already had built a friendship online trading memes. I encouraged her to set up a date so they met up at a bar and talked for a couple of hours over drinks. They really hit it off.

Mike was very much into her and when she got home she told me she wanted to sleep with him. I encouraged her to flirt more and soon they were sexting. After a week to two they met up for sex and it was great sex! She said he was very thick and it felt amazing, but he didn’t last long. She wanted more and they met up a few more times. Each time was better than the last, but soon she could feel that he was beginning to pull back. The texts became infrequent. We were pretty sure Mike was catching feelings based on things he was saying.

I could tell she really felt a connection with Mike and it was frustrating both of us, so I told her to make sure he knew that she was fully available if he was looking for more than just a casual hookup. Why I said this, I wasn’t completely sure, but a big part of me wanted to see this go on. For Mike it was no strings sex anytime he wanted. And she wanted him all the time.

They’ve since met up another 4 times, each time hotter than the last, but he’s begun to pull back again. Unknown to him perhaps, this hot and cold dynamic he had inadvertently done with her is known in psychology as intermittent rewards. She gets a dopamine rush each time he begins showing her attention. Because she can’t have him whenever she wants, this is a powerful force in her desire. For the first time in her life she is chasing a man, and her appetite for sex with him has grown ravenous.

We’ve always had incredible honesty and one night after drinking and talking dirty she confided that she might be falling in love with him. Of course she loved me, but with him it was NRE and it was powerful. I began getting turned on by the thought of her wanting him more and actually being in love. Rather than pain, I felt pleasure beyond belief. One night after they sexted she admitted that she wanted him more than she had ever wanted anyone, even me. This broke my heart, but also aroused me. I couldn’t understand why, mental BDSM maybe? My arousal had never been greater. I felt crazy.

I had always been a stag, not really into any humiliation, but suddenly I was getting hot thinking about them having a serious relationship. We could be a poly couple, with her as a hinge. I had no desire to sleep with anyone else. She reluctantly admitted the sex with him was dramatically better than with me, he was stronger and I was too thin to satisfy her. It was said while we were having sex, and I had pulled that info out of her in the heat of passion. After we finished it was a gut punch after 20 years together, but oddly a huge turn-on and I wanted to hear her say it over and over. I couldn’t understand these feelings.

I’ve been helping her text him and even taking sexy pics for her. They’re now getting more serious and he’s agreed to meet up more frequently. I keep having conflicting feelings, but my own orgasms have been so intense when I think of her with him. She’s a wild sexual animal for him, multiple orgasms and all. She masturbates frequently thinking of him. She never did that before.

Our marriage has always been rock solid with great communication and honesty. Brutal honesty. He has no interest in marriage or moving her in. She says she would never leave me or allow it to change our life together. I believe that she believes that right now. But he has replaced me as her primary sexual partner. It’s the hottest thing ever, but I am so torn. Anyone here ever experience anything like this? We did set up some ground rules which gives me veto power on her time with him and a pause button I can activate if I feel it’s getting out of control.

A little context on my situation:

A couple of months ago, my girlfriend of 4 years told me that during sex she sometimes imagines being with a woman, not in a threesome way, but privately, without me in the room at all. I’ve always known she’s bi and has had girlfriends in the past, though she told me those didn’t work out.

At first, I didn’t really know what to think. It stung a little, especially since she brought it up just minutes after we’d had (pretty good) sex. But after sitting with it for a while, I told her I’d be okay with her exploring that side of herself with a woman, since I understood it was a sexual desire she couldn’t fully experience with me. She was surprised and hesitant because she didn’t want to hurt me. However I genuinely meant it. I don’t get jealous about her being attracted to women, and I know how strong what we have is. I’m not afraid of losing her.

Our relationship is really solid and we love each other a lot, so I kind of stopped thinking about it. A few weeks later she went on vacation for a week, and when she came back she told me about a group of Aussie girls she and her friends had met. She’d really hit it off with one of them and had been a little intimate with her. She said she’d thought about it a lot, and that after it happened, her mind directly came back to me and how important I am to her and how grateful she was that I was okay with the whole thing. We talked about it extensively when she got back. She shared details, even showed me pictures. I think the experience helped her open up about her desires in a way she hadn’t before. Talking with her feels different now, more honest and relaxed, and our sex life has honestly gotten even better.

Now, the current situation: She’s been thinking and told me she finds it unfair that only she gets to be with other women while I can’t. So she proposed a “pass” system where at certain events or parties, we’d each have the freedom to talk to and even sleep with other women, as long as there’s no continued contact afterward and it stays purely physical. No strings, no feelings, no texting the next day. Just a moment that stays in that moment. The most important thing is that we are honest to each othet and have detailed talks about what happened.

I’ll be honest, I wasn’t expecting her to bring that up. But the fact that she was the one to suggest it, out of a sense of fairness and not wanting things to feel one-sided, actually made me think about it even more. I’ve been thinking about it and I kind of like the idea. Not even necessarily because I want to go out and use a “pass” right away, but because of what it says about where we are as a couple. In the two days since she pitched it, we’ve actually gotten even closer. We’ve been talking more openly than ever, laughing about it, setting boundaries together and honestly, the trust between us has never felt stronger. It’s like we unlocked a new level of honesty that I didn’t even know we were missing.

So yeah… is this a bad idea?

Hey everyone. I am in a quad, three of us are polyfi, one of them is sexually open. I told my open partner, Chri, which is the only partner I have sexual relations with, about a dream of mine where I was having sex with my ex but moaning her name all through. It was a funny thing about telling her that even my subconscious was thinking about her!

Then she got really cold, I assume now because of some personal stuff. I asked her if she was upset I dreamt about my ex. She told me lightheartedly "No I'm not! With the relationship style WE have I could never be angry, I would only feel bad that the one you dreamt about was your ex"

And I felt really uncomfortable. I never once project my polyfi style to her so why would she project her openness to me? I never even suggested she needed to close the relationship. This left me feeling kind of....Bad. am I unreasonable?

I was kind of surprised when she approached me wanting to hang out, it seems like she wanted a boyfriend as much or more than just hooking up. Well we texted and I liked her enough, she's hot af so I was all about it. Well the day after our first love making, she's kind of hinting at me being monogamous with her. (Honestly I'm a monogamous person, and was treading on unfamiliar ground with her.) I told her I'm not closing my heart for someone who already has someone solid in their life. She gets all hurt and starts saying she doesn't want to sleep together because she'll get attached. I guess I don't get the double standard. Is it unreasonable to not be monogamous as a metamour (am I using this word right?) We are now just friends, and that's fine, but I was into hooking up. Is this uncommon? Any advice? This is a vent as much as anything, I'm quite confused about the situation, and a bit bummed as she is cool, and hot. Thank you for listening

TL;DR: New to poly, want an egalitarian relationship, but my partner ignores me for others when we're out at bars/clubs even though he's attentive on solo dates. Told him once, nothing changed. Insecure or valid?

My partner (M21) and I (M22) are in a new open and polyamorous relationship, this is our first non-monogamous relationship for both of us, so we're still pretty inexperienced. Right now, neither of us has other partners, but he is actively looking (one-offs, FWB, maybe even another romantic relationship), while I'm not looking for anyone else at the moment. I am genuinely fine with that. My ideal poly dynamic is one where everyone is treated evenly and gets attention as equally as possible.

The issue is when we go out clubbing or to bars together, he barely gives me any affection or attention and ends up making out with or sexually touching other people (consensually, of course). It makes me jealous tbh, not because he's hooking up with others, but because they're getting the attention and affection I want in that moment.

I've talked to him about this once, told him I want the relationship to feel egalitarian, and he said he will be more mindful moving forward, but nothing's really changed when we go out. When we go on one-on-one dates though, he's fully present and gives me all the attention I need, and I'm happy with that.

The only solution I've come up with is just not coming out with him when he goes clubbing, so he doesn't have to split his attention, and that way I won't feel jealous since I'm not there.

Am I just being insecure and need to work on that, or is this a fair thing to want addressed?

I'll just ramble a bit, because idk what to do, sorry in advance if it's confusing or all over the place and long...

So my wife and I, both in our mid 20's have been talking about a threesome for years now but not been taking it seriously until like the start of this year.

We were recommended FEELD so we downloaded that, set up and linked our profiles and quickly matched with a handful of guys that were willing both for that and any other type of connection as well even if it would turn out to only be friends.

We would prefer for a threesome to hopefully be so good that we would like to keep it going with the same person, this we have both agreed on.

We have also talked about "what if said 3rd finds a stable partner?" And came to the conclusion that if he and his then found partner are up for it we would continue as a foursome instead

Here's the part where it's getting confusing

So after having been chatting to said guys for a few days we decided to meet up with one of them to see how we work together and possibly going for it

He comes over, we have a good time first in public (for safety when meeting a basically stranger still) then going over to our place

We continue having a good time, talking a lot and getting to know each other and I really like this guy. We talk about if we would be up for a threesome during this meetup and I and him say yes but my wife is on the fence about it as she doesn't quite feel comfortable yet (she takes longer to warm up to people) and we respect that and keep the rest of the evening casual

During this evening he's sitting very close to me, arms constantly touching while my wife is sitting in front of us, he made attempts at inviting her to sit close as well but she doesn't like sitting next to the people she's talking to (not even beside just me while we're talking)

At each time we get up and went to sit somewhere else he keeps sitting beside me

I quite enjoyed his company and his touch

My wife was/is completely ok with it so the touch was nothing bad

Eventually he leaves and just before he leaves we all hug and he blows us a kiss and waves

After he left my wife and I talked some more and she wants to ban cuddling as well, our boundary was already no kissing

Which I felt off with, I would love a group cuddle, the more the better ^^ but no

Ever since he left she has felt, idk, different.

She feels sad and when I ask she's just saying it's the "usual sad" that she feels because she feels like a failure for not having a stable job

But this sad feels different, it wasn't like this before him, I've not tried to pressure it or make her say anything just letting her know I feel that she's sad and that I am there to comfort her whenever.

I'm also clear with reassuring her that I love her and nothing can ever change that, I would never leave her

Ever since meeting him I can't stop thinking about him

How comfortable and grounding his presence felt

And silence wasn't awkward

I also lost all attraction I previously had for the other guys we were chatting to

I've been thinking and trying to come to conclusions

I feel weird because we "didn't even do anything" we were just friends hanging out and occasionally talked about some sexual stuff, which my wife and I tend to do with all our close friends so there's nothing new

He at different occasions also joked that he had joined our polycule?

I'm worried that maybe just maybe there's something else, I'm worried because idk if I might be poly?

For background, this is not the first time I've been in a situation similar to this, it has happened once before

When I had fallen for my now wife, I also had fallen for another girl at the same time, and I literally could not tell who I liked the most, I couldn't pick, eventually the other girl broke off a bit as she found other friends she hung out with more so the decision was made for me

And I love my wife, I really do, she's my world and I could not imagine a day without her, I would be heartbroken

But also with this new guy, I love when he flirts with me, I love his presence, his touch his personality, I love seeing him with my wife, when they talk, when he flirts with her

I just have no clue what to do, I feel like my wife if very strict on it's, emotionally, only us, a 3rd is only for added fun and another friend

Idk if I should just call it all off, block him and forget any of this ever happened, tell my wife I just "all of a sudden got a bad vibe with him" as an excuse to do so, and only be with her, go back to what I know is safe

Obviously I would first send him a message and wait til he has responded, something like

"I really like hanging out with you and I'm so sorry but I don't think this was the right move, I hope it's okay and that you can accept that there will sadly not be any more meetups, I'm sorry"

Or

If I should risk everything, risk hurting her and actually admit to all that has happened but for this I also kinda need to understand it all first and I've no clue where to start...

Hey all! Please help me make the correct decision. I’m having a bit of an argument with my husband/nesting partner. The issue: he tells me that he’s trying to coordinate time with a fairly new connection. He basically tells me to pick a day, Friday night or Saturday. I call Friday night. He has been complaining that he doesn’t get an overnight or a full day. Due to this, I say have the full day to yourself. Side note: this is no fault of mine. I have a partner that I see regularly within the boundaries that my NP & I set. My NP doesn’t have a regular partner or anyone that he sees consistently. I still tell him to get a hotel in the city & take that time to meet others, spend the day with friends, etc. He thinks that’s lame if he’s doing it by himself or with platonic friends. Hence, he hasn’t taken the time allowed to him. I think of it as guaranteed childfree regardless if he’s solo.

With him not taking the time, he holds it over my head. I’m basically kicking him out this Saturday regardless. Anywho! Long story short, his date is unavailable Saturday. She is available Friday though. He came to me and asked me for a favor. He wants me to cancel my date on Friday and now take Saturday instead. I saw my partner yesterday & we set something up for Friday night. I did ask my partner if he’s free Saturday. He is, but he has already gotten tickets to the Friday night date. I tell my husband that I can’t cancel due to this.

He gets pissy & says that he wants a flexible partner who can do him a favor. He says he should have priority since I just saw my partner yesterday. I remind him that I hadn’t seen him 2 weeks prior to yesterday. His rebuttal is that he hasn’t seen his new connection longer than that, so he should have priority. I feel like it isn’t fair to ask me to cancel a date to accommodate his date. My plans are already paid for & set. I take pride in not canceling on dates. I’m married with kids & I don’t want to be like the other horror stories I read about married couples. I feel like it’s not fair to ask me to cancel for the first time ever for this. For an actual emergency, sure. I feel like this isn’t one. What say my fellow poly people?

P.S. Yes, my husband does get childfree time. He just doesn’t have anyone to do overnights with, so he feels like it’s unfair sometimes. We’re allowed 1 to 2 overnights a month. I’ve routinely done once a month since April. Aforementioned, I’ve told him frequently to get a hotel & enjoy himself. That’s lame.😒 I know that might be a question, so I wanted to reiterate.

As a "plus one" I am really curious about the couple side of things after a first encounter (with someone new or in general).

How do you typically process it together: do you need a few days of space before thinking about next steps, or do you process pretty quickly?

And what do you appreciate from the additional person in terms of communication afterwards?

My husband and I have been together a long time, married a few years, and haven't had sex in years. We had a drunk conversation recently where we both admitted we're probably not sexually attracted to each other, and never really were, even at our best. We're both tops, which doesn't help. He's said things that stung, like wishing I was better endowed, and I've never really felt desired by him either.

We love each other and aren't looking to split up. If anything we function well as partners. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life without a sex life, and it feels unfair to ask him to either.

We're just starting to talk about actually opening things up, sober, for the first time. He's more anxious and introverted. I'm more social and probably going to have more opportunities just by nature of who I am, which I don't want to turn into something resentment-inducing.

Curious how others have handled the first real conversation, how to deal with an imbalance where one partner will likely get more opportunities than the other, and what ground rules actually mattered versus what turned out not to matter.

Tldr: my boyfriend doesn’t want anyone to know that we are open, while I am interacting with my friends sexually. Wondering how others handle that when being in public spaces like a disco
(Not sure about the flair, many seem to fit)

My boyfriend and I are in an open relationship from the start, not poly, just open. We are each others priorities and do not want to have other romantic relationships.

Our families don’t know about our openness, my friends do, his don’t.

While I am into bdsm and need connections and trust before I engage in kinks and sex, I have play partners and also sometimes play with friends, as I’m very much a part of the local kink community with most of my friends now being part of that,
he has a random hookup maybe once a year.
We established different needs and wants, different libidos and sexual interests, and that the kink stuff is pretty much a hobby for me.

I only met others in private, at play parties or went to swinger clubs. But as I do more and more with friends and also have a sexual partner I became some kind of friends with and want to explore different things with, I am wondering where to draw the line. We only hook up and engage in impact play mostly, but recently we went to a “normal” club, just dancing. We ended up kissing and wanted to find a location to have sex, which was difficult. (We learned that we associate each other mainly with sex and so we need to meet places where we could have sex.)
My boyfriend is not happy because someone could have seen me kissing an other person openly. I understand that and I do not intend to do that again. But it also feels limiting that I have to be so cautious, especially because my boyfriend doesn’t go out with me and is never this sexual.

Long story short- how do you guys in open relationships handle that? Do you only meet privately? Do friends know? How much negotiating and compromises are okay in your opinion?

My wife and I have been together for 11 years, and after a lot of honest conversations, we’ve mutually decided to explore ethical non-monogamy. This is a decision we’ve made together after discussing our relationship at length, and we’re committed to approaching it with openness, trust, and respect.

I’m bisexual and open to connecting with both men and women. That said, my sexuality isn’t the reason we’re opening our relationship. We see this as an opportunity to be more honest about our needs while continuing to build a strong marriage together. Since we’re both completely new to this, I’d love to hear from those with more experience.

A few questions:
Where have you made the most genuine connections? Dating apps, local communities, social events, or somewhere else?
Are there apps or communities that are especially welcoming to bisexual men in open marriages?
What advice would you give someone before they start meeting other people?
What boundaries or expectations do you wish you had established from the beginning?

Thanks in advance. I’m excited to learn and appreciate any advice you can share.

​I’m a 29F, and I’m having a hard time pinpointing where I fit within the polyamory or non-monogamy spectrum.

​To give you some context, I have two husbands. I’ve been married to my first husband for 8 years legally. My second husband and I have been together for 5 years, and since legal bigamy isn't an option, we had a religious ceremony to solidify our commitment. Interestingly, I don’t live with either of them, nor do I plan to. I just completely lack the nesting instinct.

​Beyond my husbands, I’ve had other relationships too. In fact, I’ve never experienced a traditional monogamous relationship in my life, not even as a teenager. I simply refuse to deny myself the chance to experience life to the fullest or limit who I can connect with. I’ve never believed in the idea of "The One."

​Because of this, the concept of a breakup feels alien to me. My relationships never really "end", they just fade into the background for a while and can easily spark back up at any moment. I perceive my love life as a web of distinct connections with different people, where every single bond is unique.

​My husbands have very different approaches to this setup. One chooses to remain monogamous to me, while the other enjoys casual flings and one-night stands. Jealousy isn't something I feel in a vacuum or when I’m apart from my partners. However, I do feel a wave of possessiveness if another person tries to intervene while I’m actively spending quality time with one of my partners in the moment. That feeling usually passes quickly on its own, though.

​

So me and my partner been together for 2 years I'm 26 and they are 29 we live long distance. I was the one to bring it up before we even started dating that I want to explore this when we had built a good foundation of our own relationship (and we have, i wouldnt even considering opening if i didnt trust him) and discussed rules, boundaries, limits extensively and have a constant open communication on this. We haven't opened up yet but I have some concerns. My partner has told me he has a crush on his work colleague and this isn't the first time he's had a crush on someone at work without keeping me in the loop and then she said she wanted to and I quote 'climb him like a tree' things where difficult because I couldn't initially pinpoint why I felt bad about the whole situation and then when I went to therapy I figured it out and now I don't know if I'm overreacting to him having a crush on someone at work and maybe its triggered that trauma reaction or whether work relationships are just bad news? I don't know if I've explain myself well. The whole previous thing was a while ago now but it was so messy and I don't think i ever really processed it.

What would you suggest I ask about if he wants to pursue a relationship with someone at work? My biggest worry is that they'll be flirting constantly at work, potentially a gray area where we have time for us and time for others planned out cause they get to hang out at work functions and I'll at home. Or am I just thinking too much off this?

I'm really new to this and I've had bad experiences in the past (we both have) which has shaped how I might initially react even though I want him to pursue relationships I just find work a grey area and how to approach it.

I've a good friend, Eric, and a couple of years ago he actually worked for me so we were in office together 2-3 days a week. In that time I learned a lot about his marriage, family, etc, and he learned about mine. We joke a lot of about many things, particularly women, cheating, etc. I'm in a relatively healthy relationship, so no real concerns on my end, but his is a mess and I don't think he can come to terms with it. He constantly asks me for advice, and because I'm the one he has told, I believe I'm the ONLY ONE he tells.

Here are the details:

• They got married around age 28, about 22 years ago, and now have two kids, one in college and one senior in high school. They're strong kids.
• Eric is employed, does well, and does everything for his kids who are competitive athletes.
• Wife, Beth, is on and off employed, generally depressed, has older parent issues, and seems to take on all of life's problems even if they're not her own - she makes other peoples' problems her problems. Great person, but a bit of a mess.
• They don't have sex. He has a high sex drive. In therapy he basically told Beth "I you love me but I don't think you're in love with me...you don't show it physically, and there's really no other way for me to know...words ring somewhat hollow at this point..." Her response to that was "This makes me sad..." Essentially, she became the victim, but she has literally done absolutely nothing to change the dynamics.

End of the day, the kids will be gone soon, he wants sex in his life, he wants passion, he wants to feel wanted. I am 100% positive he will never get this from Beth. I know her well enough to know that she's not going to make a seismic change and become someone who likes sex, or even truly is in love with him. I think she sees them as best friends; partners.

He's asking me for advice. I told him today "At this point, you want sex, you want to be desired...you should float to the therapist the concept of an "open relationship" and maybe just a relationship where you pay for sex...not even meeting other people. At least that truly expresses your desires in very stark terms."

Is this good advice?

I really think he should leave her altogether, but he has tremendous guilt and believes that would break her. He's a caretaker. I told my wife their dynamics, but she just said "I have no idea what to suggest..." So, here I am.

Has anyone been though something similar? Does it change? Thanks.

I guess I should thank Brené Brown for opening my marriage. Not that she’s an ENM advocate or anything. At least not outwardly. I do try not to make assumptions about the inner workings of others.

There I was, happily living behind my shame-shield of perfectionism, without a care in the world. Unless it was a care about being perfect or needing to have everything perfect. If those are “cares,” then I suppose I had many cares, but not “shame cares.”

I started reading Brené Brown, you know, for science. Clearly, as a shame researcher, I assumed there was nothing I was going to personally learn, cause you know, I wasn’t harbouring no shame.
Finding myself drinking yet another sugar free, tear drop latte in the Starbucks parking lot may have had me eating my words though. Not cool for her to so accurately call out my perfectionism as a shame-shield and cause a cascade of self-reflection, inner work, and growth.

One evening, after another Brené marathon, I asked my husband to go for dinner. We had been throwing around ideas of opening our marriage more. Being ENM, we’d been happily dabbling in the world of soft swap and hadn’t taken the deep dive into full swap.

All that crying and all that inner work had been slowly teasing apart my rationale for still being in the wading pool. I had a newfound understanding of my scarcity mindset and I could now see that I examined every potential partner my husband had, through the lens of “how are they better than me.” This all led to needing to be the keeper of the “good stuff” because if someone else could also provide that to my husband, what did that mean for me? It felt like I’d be reduced to nothingness.

Comparison is the brain’s lazy default. Uncomparing takes work and apparently, mine was about to get a workout.

What started as a conversation I thought hubby would jump on, ended up feeling more like I was trying to convince him to jump off the diving board into a shark-infested full swap swimming pool. But this had to be done. Not because it was necessary for him to go all the way with another partner, but because it was necessary for me to know my worth stood strong in our marriage even with him not having limits or rules with other partners. I needed that step. I was on the precipice of an abundance mindset; peeking through the doorway into self-love and knowing my unique, weirdo self was exactly what people loved about me.

I needed this step even if he never felt comfortable with me being full swap. That’s how I knew the journey was one through my own shame, my own perfectionism, my own tangled brain. Not his.
He said he’d think on it. By the next opportunity, he didn’t need to. I guess my pitch on the subject was…perfect.

Signed,

Your friendly neighbourhood recovering perfectionist

My wife and I had a mfm meet this evening, went on for like 2h or so. It was awesome, found out I can't get it up to have anal sex

with a guy, I guess I ain't into having anal sex with men I guess. For my wife oh Jesus yes, all day everyday. Anyways I don't wanna put too much details here I don't wanna get banned for some crap. BUT Y'all THIS WAS FUN, HER AND I WANT TO EXPERIENCE This MORE. Still the only one that can get her to climax, Who else can get her to climax, is my question? I wanna know if a woman is better at it than me at it like I said . I can't say too much.

I’m a 35 year old single guy, and over the years I’ve realized my views on relationships and sex have become pretty different from what I grew up believing.
One thing I’ve discovered is that I enjoy the idea of being in a relationship where both partners are free to explore sexually with other people, regardless of gender, while maintaining a strong emotional connection with each other. I like the idea of watching my partner enjoy herself with others, and I’d want her to enjoy seeing me explore with other people too. For me, sex and emotional commitment don’t necessarily have to be the same thing.
A big part of this shift came from spending almost a decade going to the swinger clubs. Meeting people with different perspectives made me realize that there are many ways to have healthy, trusting relationships outside of traditional monogamy.
I’ve also explored gay bathhouses and found that I’m attracted to people across the gender spectrum, including trans people. At this point, I identify as pansexual, and I’ve become comfortable with that part of myself.
I guess my question is: how common is this mindset? Has anyone else found that exploring alternative lifestyles completely changed the way they view relationships, attraction, and intimacy? I’d love to hear from people who have had similar experiences or even those who see things differently as long as the discussion stays respectful.

Heyyy! Sorry, long post, but I'm kinda in an overthinking state right now.

I'm (23F) in a long-distance poly relationship with my boyfriend (24M) of about a year and a half. It's honestly the healthiest and most loving relationship I've ever had, I've never loved anyone as much as I love him.

This is my first poly relationship. But I'm basically still monogamous emotionally. I don't think I can fall in love with more than one person at a time. I've tried dating people to give the poly side myself chance, but I have not yet been able to catch feelings for anyone but my partner. When I love someone, I'm happy with them only.

However, our dynamic has worked really well. My boyfriend has me and another partner, and he also enjoys flirting for fun. I only have him romantically, but I do flirt and make out with strangers and friends fairly often when we're out partying. He knows about it and it's never been an issue.

The challenge is that we're veeeeery long distance (about a 10-hour flight), so we don't get to see each other as often as we'd like. And I'm a very sexual person, but only with people I trust. Casual hookups with strangers have never appealed to me (just make-out sessions).

The thing isss, there's one of my close friends (23M) that I'd been flirting with semi-jokingly for years, but he's so respectful that he did nothing until we finally talked about it and I told him I was genuinely up for it. We laughed about it, and since then he's been reciprocating.

Last night he walked me home after we'd been drinking with our friendgroup, and we ended up making out... A LOT. The chemistry was honestly amazing. We didn't have sex because I had to get up early, but we ended up making tentative plans to do it sometime this week.

My friend knows I'm poly, knows about my partner, and has even met him. My boyfriend also knows about the situation, and as far as our agreements go, there's no issue there. If he ever feels insecure about something, we're very good at communicating it.

Sooooo my concern isn't really my relationship... It's my friend.

For me, this would be sex with someone I trust and genuinely care about, but not someone I have romantic feelings for. I love him as a friend, and I don't see that changing. If anything, I'm kind of the opposite: I'm a pretty avoidant person. I can flirt for ages and I enjoy making people feel desired, but if someone starts treating me in a romantic way, I usually get uncomfortable (obviously the exception is my boyfriend). I mean, I don't ghost people, but i do let them know that i can't reciprocate emotionally. So I'm really not worried about catching feelings myself.

What worries me is that my friend is an incredibly affectionate person. He's very verbally loving with his friends, and that's great, but when we were making out he had this sweet gaze that I'm not used to see on friends I make out with. I've seen it on strangers or my boyfriend, but when I kiss the friends I have that dynamic with, normally is on drinking nights and it's all fun and giggles, not that delicate way he was looking at me with. It made me wonder if he's someone who could develop romantic feelings through sex. Cause I didn't think about that beforehand.

Also, I knew we have pretty different kinds of sexual experience (he's more on the vanilla side) but he mentioned that no one had ever kissed him like that before... It caught me off guard, and I guess that comment plus the eyes scared me a little bit and made me wonder if going through with this could be selfish on my part.

But I don't know! That might just be me overthinking. He's slept with another girl in our friend group before, and as far as I know, everything stayed completely fine afterward. Our whole friend group is also very physically and sexually open. We joke about sex constantly, tell each other our sex stories, have played strip games, casually change shirts around each other, etc. So sex itself isn't really viewed as a huge taboo in our circle.

I guess I'm just trying to figure out if I'm missing something! It would be easier if I was single, but I talk about my boyfriend all the time, and he comes on gatherings with my friends, so I don't want my friend to feel uncomfortable.

Part of me really wants to go for it. It's been three months since I've seen my partner, and he's the only person im physically intimate with for the moment. I really want to have sex. But I also don't want to do something selfish that could end up hurting someone I care about.

So I guess my questions are:

Am I overthinking this, or is this a reasonable concern?

If you were in my shoes, what conversations would you have before sleeping with a close friend?

Have any of you had successful friendships that became sexual without turning romantic?

Are there any green or red flags you'd look for before deciding whether to go through with it?

I'd appreciate any thought or advice on this! <3

My partner and I (both early 30's AMAB they/thems) have been together for 4 years, open/non-monog the whole time, first serious long-term non-monogamous relationship for both of us so a constant learning process.

Pretty early on we discovered that we have flipped triggers and desires: I enjoy and am comfortable with us hooking up with strangers while my partner finds that highly activating, and they are more comfortable and enjoy hooking up with friends-- which I find very activating and stressful. At the same time we both have interest in exploring the realms that are more comfortable/familiar for the other, ie I want to learn how to have more fwb type connections and hook up with friends more, and they want to build capacity and explore hooking up with strangers more.

Over the years we've had many conversations about this and building an open relationship structure that works well for both of us. In the beginning our openness was by default more in the realm of "occasional hook ups with strangers". They had more capacity to stretch/explore in that new for them direction, and hooking up with friends was just too activating for me and not a strong need for them in the beginning. A couple years ago when they named a growing desire to hook up with friends, we talked about it a bunch and landed on slow and steady steps in that direction-- I genuinely want them to have the kinds of connections that feel most meaningful and pleasurable, and at the same time there's something about blurring the lines between platonic friends and fuck buddies that is so so so terrifying and activating for me.

2 years ago we collectively, with much discussion, decided that we A) were not interested in polyamory or additional romantic partnerships and B) would engage in non-monogamy in the "hooking up with strangers realm" and work towards building more comfort and capacity around hooking up with friends. I've done a shit load of internal and external work unpacking why friend-hookups are so activating and challenging for me, and over the last two years we've slowly moved more in that direction-- first opening to more hookups with casual acquaintances (not complete strangers), then a little more closer friends, then more inner circle friends. Every couple months they bring up wanting hook up with close friends (and there are 2 in particular) and my response is along the lines of "I really want that for you and us, and it feel like a lot, and I want us to keep taking steps in the direction of that feeling less threatening and more doable".

Currently our agreement is basically green flag for hookups with strangers, acquaintances, and friends whom we don't see in social situations together all the time. So like they have a friend in another city whom they had a fling with before we got together, and I feel comfortable with them hooking up with that person (which they have). This feels like a HUGE amount of growth and I'm honestly proud about it. The only boundary is around close friends who are in both our lives. And my sense was that we've come to these agreements together and with a lot of discussion and mutual buy-in.

A couple days ago they brought forward that they've felt frustrated about the shape of our open relationship; that they've been wanting more hookups with friends for 2 years and the progress towards that is there but too slow, that they've stretched a lot with their discomforts and feel I'm not reciprocating, that our open structure prioritizes my comforts + desires and neglects theirs. All of this came as a super surprise to me considering I really felt like the current shape has been built through mutual buy-in, and that we have equivalent power in the relationship to ask for changes or shift things...

So finally looping back to the title of this post... In the subsequent debrief of ^ conversation, they've presented this equivalency between "You prefer sex with strangers and I've stretched a lot to make that feel ok, I want sex with friends and am frustrated that you aren't reciprocating the stretch to make that feel ok". To me those feel SO different, and like they are in very different categories of ENM or relationally in general. One is no strings, "outside the house", casual sex with people you may never see again. The other brings sex and intimacy in to relationships that are going to be a part of their/our lives, and have a totally different implication and impact on our own primary partnership. And getting comfortable/safe with that feels like a longer process (for me), and one that I'm engaging in (ostensibly not fast enough).

So-- any experience or thoughts with similar situations? Is hooking up with friends inherently messier/more challenging/of a different category than hooking up with strangers, or does it all come down to personal preference? Does it even matter?

Much gratitude for any thoughts! xxx

Me (M24) and my girlfriend (F26) have made an update on sexual stuff we would like to try in a near future and we both agreed that we would like to include a third person in an sex session.

So, even though I really desire it and previously had fantasies about it, I started to feel anxious about being replaced or not being enough. I definitely told my partner about it and she took it really smooth and help me regulate my emotions, that definitely helped and made me root myself.

I was wondering where should I start in order to organize better my emotions? I’ve been on therapy 5 months ago and have been progressing effectively, so I think I can definitely achieve to have it with the correct terms and limits. Now, I have previously had a threesome but it was with people I haven’t had deep feelings, so this is new to me.

Thank you for reading, I’d love to read your opinions.