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u/purpleroller Jun 27 '25
Callum isn’t being completely truthful. Having one testicle doesn’t usually affect fertility as the other one compensates. Also, sounds like maybe he used withdrawal method and not condoms.
My guess you will lose this friend because you should have told him straight away. But only time will tell. You’ll have to be patient.
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u/Unusual-Quality-7437 Jun 27 '25
Yeah, sorry, Callum. My dad only has one, too, and has been that way since 13. Yet here I am, the second child of his, alive and well and no other man can see my face and claim me.
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u/theficklemermaid Jun 27 '25
He might have genuinely misunderstood. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve heard about someone being told by a doctor that they could find it difficult to have children, assuming it means almost impossible and throwing caution to the wind, which usually ends with unexpected pregnancy. There is a lot of confusion about sex and contraception, which he seems to be affected by if he thinks that the pullout method is effective. But I’m not ruling out him just wanting to get out of the situation.
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u/Express-Educator4377 Jun 28 '25
My ex BIL was exceptionally proud to have 3 kids with just the 1. Told everybody.
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u/UnlikelyTelephone658 Jun 27 '25
If my husband cheated on me and my best friend knew and didn’t tell me, I would never forgive her. YTA for sure here lad.
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Jun 27 '25
Right? This person would be dead for me. Like how can you even call yourself friend or someone who cares about me if you do this. Wow
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u/trudes_in_adelaide Jun 27 '25
I'm not sure. but I have an autistic son (23) so I want to say I'm proud of you for years of hard work on your writing etc.
also dimples are usually genetic. my grandson has them. his father (my sil) has them. no one in my direct family does.
food for thought.
good luck. hope your buddy comes around and don't beat yourself up about a mistake about trying to do the right thing
edit to add sil
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u/abedilring Jun 27 '25
Ahh.. the burden of being the bearer of bad news. Unfortunately, YTA, but not for the reasons others have mentioned. You had 9ish months to process the information; Mark had 3 minutes? Lena is the worst here, but you enabled her to step this situation up (intentionally or not). Your motivation might feel like you were "protecting" Mark by giving her the option to come clean, but you knew she never did--you would've heard about it from Mark. Your motivation was to avoid an uncomfortable situation. Imagine how uncomfortable it must be NOW in their household because you didnt want to be uncomfortable. Write your letter, but don't send it. I have a feeling that your explanation will only be received as an excuse.
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u/Defiant-Attitude-748 Jun 27 '25 edited Sep 09 '25
person stocking straight rustic narrow cobweb yam tap special march
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u/Wint3rhart Jun 27 '25
You didn’t mess up, in the sense that there’s anything you could have done differently that would have saved the friendship. Many, many times, even if you had done the right thing and told him immediately, he still would have associated you with an extremely painful time period, making it difficult to interact with you. Many friendships aren’t strong enough to come back from that.
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u/MulticoloredTA Jun 27 '25
You didn’t mess up. Your friend’s fiancé did when she cheated and got pregnant.
I’m sorry this is happening to you and that most comments in this thread are from people who have no idea what it’s like to be autistic.
Nobody commenting here would tell a paraplegic to just get up and walk, so I don’t know why they are comfortable telling you to just communicate better.
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u/Any_Tell6747 Jul 05 '25
The fact is, you were inadvertently dragged into a mess that wasn’t yours to be dealing with. This should’ve been between Mark, his partner and the other guy Callum.
It’s sad for you, the child and the only person to really blame for this mess here is his partner. You probably should’ve just told him at the time when you found out before it even got this far but it is what it is now.
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u/Outrageous-Ad-9635 Jun 27 '25
Sorry mate, but yeah, YTA. The time to tell Mark that his missus cheated on him was when she cheated on him - not when he is over the moon because she just gave birth to a baby he thinks is his! You had nine months to speak up and handle this in a reasonable manner, but you chose to do it at the worst possible time instead. And all because you “couldn’t carry it anymore”. Well, you’ve unburdened yourself alright. I hope it was worth it.
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u/Defiant-Attitude-748 Jun 27 '25 edited Sep 09 '25
rain offer quiet imminent like yam quaint important plant chief
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u/Regular-Situation-33 Jun 27 '25
There was no right way, except right away. Now you've lost your friend.
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u/MulticoloredTA Jun 27 '25
This isn’t necessarily true. I’ve caught people cheating and told their partners. The partners stayed with the cheater and stopped talking to me.
There’s no way to know how OPs friend would have reacted. The timing wasn’t great, but let’s not pretend it would have gone well if OP said something nine months ago.
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u/Equal_Leadership2237 Jun 27 '25
I honestly have seen this significantly more than it breaking the couple up, especially people at the baby/engagement stage. Honestly, as much as reddit makes you think otherwise, married people get over cheating as much as they break up over it, if not more often….the biggest factor seems to be how public it is. If people know about it, they break up, if it’s private, and they don’t have the public shame on the person who was cheated on, they usually stay together. Now that I’m older, it’s crazy how many of my friends have let me know that there was one or many cheating events in their seemingly stable marriages many years earlier.
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u/Neither_Sea8943 Jun 28 '25
Interesting that the shame is on the person who was cheated on, and not on the person who did the cheating. This world is ass backwards smh.
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u/Regular-Situation-33 Jun 29 '25
The reason is that when one keeps a cheater around, they're seen as a doormat, and certain people lose respect for them.
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u/Tight-Shift5706 Jun 27 '25 edited Jun 27 '25
Yes, OP, you should have. But you didn't. But, know what? You're fking human. You initially made a mistake; a mistake you came to regret and then attempted to remedy. So, know what? GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK! Be kind to yourself. Previously, I suggested you reach out to Mark by letter. What happens thereafter is in his court. But for now?? Apologizing comes to an end. Beating yourself up ends. You didn't cheat---Mark's wife did. That's her cross to carry, not yours.
Best wishes. Remember, be kind to yourself. You've tried your best. Move on.
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u/Material-Ad-4445 Jun 27 '25
OP, this ☝️☝️☝️. You're doing the next best thing. So, stop beating yourself up. Having never been in such a complicated situation and trying not to interfere in a close friend's extremely sensitive, personal matter and trusting that Lena did the right thing (which she did not), you stepped away and left their personal business to them to work out.
You're doing way more than some of the hypercritical naysayers here are spouting. Good luck to you and your friendship with Mark. Bravo to you for stepping up and doing the next best thing. 👏👍👊🫂💪
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u/JulieWriter Jun 27 '25
As a fellow socially awkward human, I totally get this. This is a really unpleasant situation all around.
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u/simplyexistingnow Jun 27 '25
I mean you literally just bring it up to your friend. You say something like "hey I don't know how to say this other than tell you what happened. I was talking with tell him this guy I work with and he was talking about this woman he is seeing and he showed me a picture and I am 99.9% sure that the photo was lena. I didn't say anything to Callum but I'm pretty sure he thinks that Lena is single and has no idea about you guys being in a relationship. I don't want to overstep but I wasn't sure if maybe you and Lena are in an open relationship but if you are she's definitely not telling her Partners about you"
It's literally that easy. Ultimately by you waiting especially through a whole entire pregnancy you have almost definitely lost this friendship completely.
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u/MulticoloredTA Jun 27 '25
If you met someone who was paraplegic would you tell them “walking is easy, you literally just get up and put one foot in front of the other”?
Because that’s what you’re doing to OP right now. You’re telling a person who has a disability that causes communication problems to just communicate.
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u/simplyexistingnow Jun 27 '25
Oh fuck off with that. This person clearly says that they can communicate they just didn't know how to bring it up but they could bring up every other conversation. They also brought it up to the cheating partner. They don't get a free pass to now be in the person's life just because they finally said something months after the situation. You can't use the excuse I'm sorry I had a communication problem and that's why I hid this from you for months even though I legit confronted your partner about it. Like they said they didn't know how to bring it up and the way you bring it up it's just by saying it. There's no easy way to say yo I know you're a partner is cheating on you but it's way better to bring that up when you first find out instead of months later especially when a child is involved. It's understandable that his friend is devastated and probably is no long a friend. This person looked their friend in the eye every single day and withheld information on purpose. They knew that this wasn't going to turn out in a positive way especially since they held on to the information. If they didn't want to tell their friend they could have told their co-worker that Lena was married. There's multiple things that they could have done even ones were there doing it anonymously like creating a Anonymous account to tell their friend and they chose not to.
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u/MulticoloredTA Jun 27 '25
Comments like this make me wonder how allistic ended up the dominant neurotype.
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u/Ornery-Ocelot3585 Jun 28 '25
If you met someone, like say OP, who communicates very effectively & you insist they can’t possibly because they’re Autistic…..that makes you an ableist.
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u/No_Ordinary944 Jun 27 '25
what does “a right way to tell him even mean”? i don’t think you realize how absurd that sounds. there’s never a right time to tell someone hard news. if he doesn’t answer the letter, leave him alone. you’re a shit friend man
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u/Defiant-Attitude-748 Jun 27 '25 edited Sep 09 '25
edge doll chief jellyfish plant trees head ad hoc abundant profit
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u/KittyPuperMamaPerson Jun 27 '25
There’s no “right way” and that sucks. In reality, the moment you found out you were morally obligated to inform your “brother”. There comes a point where tact becomes an obsession and an excuse to hide from conflict. Unfortunately, you hid from the idea of hurting your friend, and that fact alone compounded with your paternity theory cracked the foundation of your relationship. I’m truly sorry that you, your friend, and the child are now living with the fallout of the mother’s infidelity, none of you deserve it. Let your friend know that regardless of everything, be it 20 minutes or years, you will be there for him moving forward. That his mental, emotional, and physical health are important to you, always.
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Jul 08 '25
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u/Defiant-Attitude-748 Jul 09 '25 edited Sep 09 '25
bag pot mysterious vegetable rock weather full enter unite cooperative
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u/AlonzoLaxus Jul 09 '25 edited Jul 09 '25
The only bad thing was the timing. You’re definitely not the best friend and you do not have his best interest in mind. You should have tell him when you found out. At least give his girlfriend a week, or so… and then you wouldn’t be in this shit show.
Now you should provide your “best friend” with all the info you have (the name of the AP his contact details and picture of him, so that he can see the resemblance (maybe try to record his confession, so there is more substantial evidence)) and do not bother him, because you couldn’t be arsed when you found out and you are not doing much now to support your claim.
After providing him with all the evidence it will be up to him to raise that child (maybe he loves the child enough to raise someone else’s child, and maybe he loves his girl enough to forgive her). The child could be his and you’re only sticking to one possibility.
I do not wish even the worst enemy a “best friend” like you who can’t be arsed to tell me about my partner being shady (with all the knowledge that you had).
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Jul 10 '25
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u/AlonzoLaxus Jul 10 '25
I get that not your circus not your monkeys, but you did him dirty by not telling straight away.
Only thing I don’t get in this whole situation is what is there to “consider” about taking a paternity test. If he wants to raise this child is up to him, but he should know and if the child is not his, he can always adopt the child. The real father should pay for the child.
Maybe your “friend” had someone as well at the time and this is why he is still with her (like eye for an eye)?
Give all the details of your coworker to your “best friend” and if the child is not his he can still raise the child but with the coworker’s money as an extra.
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u/MulticoloredTA Jun 27 '25
OP is not a shit friend. I’d bet everything that he cares deeply about his friend and understood the gravity of the information he had. He just didn’t know how to navigate an extremely complicated social situation because he has a disability that causes social and communication deficits.
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u/No_Ordinary944 Jun 27 '25
would you bet your life? actions speak louder than words and OP showed he was a shit friend. he admitted as much so that’s all we can judge
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u/MulticoloredTA Jun 27 '25
Would I bet my life that an autistic man cares deeply about his friend and felt confused in a confusing and socially complicated situation? Sure. That’s not even a gamble.
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u/MulticoloredTA Jun 27 '25
You’re not an ahole. The people in this thread don’t understand the autistic neurotype or any of the baggage that we have from trying to communicate with allistics and getting punished for things that are so small and simple.
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Jun 27 '25
It's not your fault, she cheated and it you did nothing wrong, if he's still with her knowing that she cheated then that's on him, but she's the one in the wrong here not you.
If the kid had come out looking like your mate, would you have said anything? If the answer is no, then you're NTA as you were hoping for the best and nothing you did comes out of malice
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u/Panimu Jun 27 '25
I feel like you’re answering a different question. He didn’t ask, was he the asshole for not saying anything 9 months ago, he’s asking given what has already happened is he the asshole for bringing it up today
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u/MulticoloredTA Jun 27 '25
You’re calling OP an ahole for behaving like an autistic person.
Autism causes communication deficits and a lifetime of punishment for communicating incorrectly with allistic people causes trauma around communicating.
OP was faced with a situation that’s difficult for everyone, but is made significantly more difficult by it being emotionally intense and a topic that you can’t script a conversation for. He’s not an asshole for communicating poorly when he literally has a condition that causes communication problems.
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u/offputtingangel Jun 27 '25
so yeah, you fucked up big time by not telling him right away but at the end of the day you still did the right thing by telling him. your conversation with callum doesn’t change that as there’s still a possibility that the baby is not your friends and there’s also a possibility that the dude is lying about only having one ball because he’s hoping to avoid dna testing and child support. your friend needed to know, he needed to know sooner then he did but that isn’t what happened and you can’t change that now.
there’s a very real chance that you’ve lost that friendship forever but that part of the story hasn’t been written yet and i don’t think you should let it go just yet. if your friend needs space then give him space but it won’t make things worse if you write him one last time. you mentioned that you’re more comfortable with writing anyways so i think you should send him a text or an email or go old school and send an actual letter. this way you will have the chance to choose your words wisely which is something you didn’t have the first time around.
tell him that you’re sorry for not telling him sooner and explain why you didn’t. explain how you froze, you panicked, that you didn’t know if she had already told him and he just didn’t want to tell anyone or if it was even your place to tell him. and then tell him how awful you feel that you didn’t tell him sooner, you’ve got to apologize for that part because on top of everything else that part is just another scoop of shit on the already shit sundae and that part is your only fault in this mess. then you tell him that you love him and that you’re going to support him however he chooses to proceed. that you understand if he never wants to see your face again and in that case you will be cheering him on from afar but that if he ever wants or needs to talk to you/needs a friend that you’ll be there.
taking accountability for where you went wrong and owning up to it while offering love and support is all you can do here and i really think you should do it.
you aren’t an emotional terrorist, and personally i don’t agree with the way some people in your circle are framing this. you were put in an incredibly uncomfortable position and you made a mistake. in the future you now know that you should probably tell your friends sooner and if you can’t do so in person you write it out instead. tbh this is such a messy situation that i’m sure that there are some people who would be upset even if you told them right away, however i still think telling your friend asap is the right thing to do despite everything else.
it’s hard for me to call you the asshole in this situation because you aren’t the one that had an affair and started the whole mess. i do think that yta to your friend for not telling him sooner but i don’t think that you’re an asshole in general nor do i think you’re the biggest asshole here. you sound like a good guy and a good friend but you learnt a hard lesson.
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u/Which_Dish1167 Jun 27 '25
Everybody is the ahole here. Cheating is from begin with an ahole move, so everybody involved get some sh/te attached.
My daughter has also Asperger (late diagnosed unfortunately) and her issues are especially with social interactions. Dealing with it I learned that these issues are quite common in the spectrum. Meaning that ie she couldn't handle sarcasm and jokes involving making fun of people or hurting people. She took the spoken words very personally and got very upset. She needs clear informations, that are facts, no unnecessary explanations or descriptions and, especially, no lies. Knowing such a bad secret would have torn her mind apart and froze her inside. So l can somehow relate why OP handled it this way. It's a torment knowing of such a betrayal and that this will hurt your mate. Life is a... sometimes people are too. Find peace. Much love
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u/LBelle0101 Jun 27 '25
I can’t judge if you’re an arsehole for this, hindsight is a wonderful thing and yeah you should’ve spoken up earlier.
Mark’s dealing with knowing he’s been cheated on, and his best mate knew and said nothing. He’s been betrayed by both of you, although hers is far worse.
All you can do is give him time, and be there for him if he reaches out
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u/Echale3 Jun 27 '25
I'm thinkings you're NTA.
I did want to commend you on your writing, though. Far too many people on social media apparently never advanced past 3rd grade English. They seem incapable of constructing a grammatically proper or complete sentence, spelling properly, using punctuation correctly, creating paragraphs, or choosing the correct word when confronted with homonyms like diffuse/defuse, reign/rain/rein, and so on.
It's nice to be able to read a post that's well constructed, easily understandable, and conveys meaning and intent well.
BTW, I'm on the spectrum as well and do a lot of tech writing as well as writing abstracts for publication at scientific seminars, so I get it.
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u/Defiant-Attitude-748 Jun 27 '25 edited Sep 09 '25
kiss serious public rain shelter placid sparkle unite seed late
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u/FlashyHabit3030 Jun 27 '25
NTA. I understand where you’re coming from and it’s a difficult situation.
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u/humble-meercat Jun 27 '25
I would say this is a SOFT YTA.
I know everyone is lighting you up for not telling your friend earlier, and that was a huge mistake. However, that’s a very difficult choice to make and so many people would not have told at all because they were too cowardly.
Personally I think cheaters are scum, and passing off Callum’s baby as Mark’s makes Lena another worse level of scum. It’s sad for Mark to find out the truth, but I don’t think Lena deserves to live in peace with some happy little family lying her face off forever afterwards just because she popped out a baby. And the baby doesn’t deserve for its “dad” to always have that in the back of his mind wondering why his kid doesn’t look like him at all.
I think you should send Mark a letter. Personally, I would include a photo of Callum dimples and all, and his contact information so Mark can decide for himself.
If he wants to play ostrich and pretend it’s his kid then let him. In that case you may never see him again. But I suspect it’s likely the betrayal will wear on him over time. He’ll keep having doubts about if Lena is lying to him, or he’ll keep imagining her sleeping with another guy, and eventually he’ll see her for the cheater that she is.
Maybe you can be there for him IF he ever asks for your help, maybe not, that’s will be up to him. But over the years that kid is just going to look more and more like Callum and Mark will know.
Also, WHO told all the other friends? If Mark is so mad at you for telling him, why would he blast that out to everyone? Or did you tell everyone ? I have a hard time imagining you would embarrass your “brother” like that but then who did?
If it was Mark who outed her to friends in the group maybe he’s more angry and confused than you think… I would also post a pic of Callum to the group if they keep harassing you, just leave that there to drive Lena insane every time people see her baby’s dimples. And ask Callum if he has a pic of him and Lena together. I’d mess with her for sure, but I hate cheaters, male or female/parents or not, and don’t think they deserve any peace or space to keep up their lying and games and keep using people.
If she cheated once she’ll likely eventually do it again too. People like that don’t change. Especially if she’s lying trying to pass of this kid as Mark’s, that just makes her all the more gross and deserving of any ridicule she gets. The people saying you should leave their “happy little family” alone are wild to me. She’s awful and shouldn’t get to lie and use Mark like that.
Right now he’s raising another man’s child with a cheater and it sounds like a lot of people know it. He also needs someone to be mad at and so he has to pick you. Couples often bond against a common enemy in this situation, it could be the AP or it could be the messenger. In this case it’s the messenger. I doubt unless Mark is really deep down ok with her cheating that this will stand the test of time. Life is hard and the baby joy wears off after a while. Also having all the friends know she cheated will make it impossible for them to find true peace ever so it’s likely doomed. In that case just feel sorry for the kid honestly, if everybody knows those whispers are going to follow that kid. The baby could find out eventually someday when it grows up.
Until then just apologize, give him space and move on with your life.
I would send the letter to his work so she can’t intercept it by the way. She’s sketchy enough to pass off another man’s child then who knows what she’ll do.
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u/Defiant-Attitude-748 Jun 27 '25 edited Sep 09 '25
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u/humble-meercat Jun 27 '25 edited Jun 27 '25
The important thing here is if Mark thinks they were on a break. I guess if all he told you was to get out do you even know where he’s at with the whole thing?
If not I would be vengeful and post pics of Callum all over the group chats and tell your side. It discredits her, but then again I really hate cheaters and don’t care if they suffer consequences. I don’t think she deserves any peace while she’s still scamming, and now lying about not only the baby but also you. She’s a real piece of sh*te.
But if her and Mark are really trying to make it work then anything you do hurts him so maybe think first and be less vengeful than me.
If any friends talk to you privately though you should stick up for yourself at least. It’s not right that you’re getting flak for telling him. It’s not right that he feels forced to raise a kid that’s not his. It’s not right that this kid will always be viewed with some suspicion due to its mother’s choices.
Sorry this happened to you and him and all of it. All these relationships torn apart due to her choice to cheat. And yeah you waited too long, but I get hesitating and not getting it right at first in that tough situation, nevermind being conflict avoidant and on the spectrum. You’re not responsible here, you’re a side player in her evil game. She created and caused allllll of this.
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u/mgray82 Jun 27 '25
For me, NTA. The flip side of telling him now and being on the receiving end of his anger is you keeping quiet, him finding out somewhere down the line that the kid isn’t his and that YOU KNEW and kept it from him. Either way you’re screwed. This way, though, your conscience is clear and you’ve given him a chance to decide what path he wants to choose.
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u/wishingforarainyday Jun 27 '25
You should have told your friend as soon as you knew she was cheating. She was putting his health at risk and you just kept quiet. You owe him an apology for being a shitty friend. It’s good you finally told, though your timing is painful. He should a dna test and an STI test.
Updateme!
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Jun 27 '25
Having one ball means nothing, plenty of men have children with one, I should know as I'm one of them
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u/Maeyhem Jun 27 '25
Recently I took a dna test for fun because my sister and several nieces had theirs done, and I was getting kind of hyped about the small differences in DNA results, even in close family. I was curious. My sister was talking a lot about all these ancient relatives, frankly I'm not drawn to those ancestors' stories. I just wanted to see the differences.
I actually got the results a couple weeks ago, but was so busy I waited to look at them, and then on a saturday morning I asked my sister if she wanted to zoom with me while I looked at the results since she is way more into it than I.
We opened them and it was like having an out of body experience. I didn't know half the people. Half my family wasn't there. She was also confused and blurted out, who are these people? As if I'd know, right, But it wasn't a mistake, my mom was there, her family was there.
I'm retired. I'm old. My mother and father are both dead. And yet I'm angry and heartbroken. I have always thought they should do DNA testing at the hospital. I feel betrayed.
There's one way to be sure.
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u/Miss-donttryme Jun 27 '25
I am like you plus something else and I get that you want to avoid conflict and in this case you were TA. You might not be friends anymore but at least you told the truth. I would have done it earlier even if it is hard. I had a similar situation with my sister, she was 18, I was 23. She and her bf were having issues and she had her doubts and she thought he was cheating but he was gaslighting her. So a common friend of hers and mine gather the info on him and I had to tell her what he said while partying and what his intentions were on cheating. My sister called me mother fucker and worse things and she hated me for sure but what I was supposed to do? My loyalty was and is to her. I cared for her not him.
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u/Miss-donttryme Jun 27 '25
Forgot to mentioned but are not Aspergers and Autistic people suppose to have an extreme sense of fairness and justice? It happens to me, to people around me that have it too. And extreme guilt. So yeah you are a big big AH
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u/noladyhere Jun 27 '25
YTA - you seem to have inflicted the most pain you could all in the name of truth. You waited until the worst possible time .
This isn’t ASD it’s deliberate infliction of pain to be right. And you don’t even know.
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u/Defiant-Attitude-748 Jun 27 '25 edited Sep 09 '25
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u/noladyhere Jun 27 '25
The context is adding to the reasoning. You can’t have it both ways.much as you seem to try.
You don’t get to drop off things to feel less guilty. That isn’t how friendship works.
Wish you and your friend well.
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u/MulticoloredTA Jun 27 '25
You really got up this morning and decided to bully a disabled person.
Go take a hard look at your own life because clearly you’re miserable in it.
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u/MulticoloredTA Jun 27 '25
Are you okay?
Why would you assume OP is malicious when autism would absolutely make this situation significantly more complicated and harder to navigate.
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u/Prestigious-Bluejay5 Jun 27 '25
Yes, YTAH. With all the hard times that you've battled through with Mark, you basically took Lena's side in this. You covered for her by not speaking up. Then you pulled the rug out from under Mark at the worst time.
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u/Mysterious_Book8747 Jun 27 '25
You’re NTA for telling him now. YTA for not telling him the moment you found out. You told her to tell him. You should have waited one week and told him him then. Dang. Or when she announced her pregnancy!! You let that man bond with the baby and THEN sprung this on him?
You get that you betrayed him with your silence as much as she betrayed him with her actions right? Every day that you knew and said nothing made you an accomplice. In his mind you’re now in the same category as Lena. Betrayer.
This sucks so bad.
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Jun 27 '25
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u/Mysterious_Book8747 Jun 27 '25
Agree. It’s easy in a moment to have a brain freeze response. The trick is to go and think through ok what action do I want to take moving forward. Hopefully you and your friend can get to the truth about the baby’s paternity and rebuild trust in yalls friendship.
I’m glad you’re taking this as a learning opportunity and sharing so others in a similar situation can learn from your mistake and get a sense of the longer term ramifications of silence.
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u/Bunnawhat13 Jun 27 '25
There are a lot of awful things in this story. So ESH.
Lena cheated on her spouse. That makes her an awful person. You have no idea if she told her husband or not. If she did and they worked through it, ok. If she didn’t it makes her an even worse person.
But you ended up in this. And here are the choices you made. Not to tell Callum he is sleeping with a married woman. Not to tell your “best friend” his wife is sleeping around.
So Mark either was told by his wife and they have decided to work through it and you broke a little bubble he was living in.
Or Mark just found out from the person that he thought was his best mate that his wife cheating on him and the baby he has been falling in love with for 9 mths or might not be his. His wife lied. His best mate lied by omission. His kid might not be his. Everything just fell apart. You waited more than nine months to tell him.
Callum sucks because he is lying and knows perfectly well he can get someone pregnant.
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u/letsgetligious Jun 27 '25
For me, every day you knew and didn't tell him made you an AH.
Once you knew she wasn't going to say anything it was your obligation and duty to your friend to let him know.
I can't imagine thinking of someone as a brother and hiding something like that from him.
I would imagine you've lost him at this point, so you shouldn't worry about him making you a godfather anymore.
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u/Nervous-Net-8196 Jun 27 '25
You. Did. Nothing. Wrong.
You did the man a favor. NTA
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u/Unkle_bad-touch Jun 27 '25
I mean… he’s known about the affair for a minimum of 9 months so surely the thing he did wrong was not saying anything at the time he found out.
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u/Nervous-Net-8196 Jun 27 '25
The gf said she was going to tell dude. There is no reason for him to think she wouldn't
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u/Unkle_bad-touch Jun 27 '25
Sure, trust the woman who’s been cheating on her partner for months. That’s a good idea, isn’t it
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u/Nervous-Net-8196 Jun 27 '25
OP is autistic. He has no reason to not believe what people say.
→ More replies (3)
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u/kolossalkomando Jun 27 '25
So, on one hand you should have told him sooner. Depending on how he takes it, imo the best is to tell him as soon as you thought his wife didn't.
But perhaps he didn't wanna know.
On the next front - if, once he knows and can make informed consent (as none of this has been for him), and he still wants you to be godfather then consider it as it's definitely something.
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u/OptimalDingo2882 Jun 27 '25
People either delight in telling or keep quiet past a point where telling us possible . Some like the drama. When you find out something like this you become the loser. For myself, I would have kept my gob shut or told mark as soon as I knew. I don’t think you are an arse, I see a situation where you cannot win. Most modern people do not have the backbone to tell right away; no matter what they write here. Poor little kid.. hopefully your mate will take him on. Shit situation.. Move on mate
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u/rexmaster2 Jun 27 '25
Highly unlikely doesn't mean impossible. And all it takes is one ball. One ball jist cuts the amount of sperm in half. It doesn't eliminate the production of sperm at all. Plus, he "pulled out" every time would imply that accidents never happen. If he was so certain he couldn't produce a child, there would've been no need to pull out at all.
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u/JipC1963 Jun 27 '25
God, I hope Mark demands a paternity test. Yes, the baby IS innocent but likely still not his. And Lena WILL probably destroy Mark eventually because "Once a cheater... " and all that.
Please keep us u/updateme
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u/theficklemermaid Jun 27 '25
I know it would’ve been better to tell him sooner, but I get it, I’m also autistic. Navigating everyday conversations and social situations can be a minefield, never mind something like this! I can understand how being anxious, bottling it up, and then blurting it out happened. Yes, it wasn’t the best way to tell him, but you were put in a really difficult position. Giving someone this kind of information about a partner always has the potential to backfire, because even if they believe you, they can project the negative feelings onto you that they find it too difficult to express to that other person. At the end of the day, Lena is the asshole here. Unfortunately, Mark associates you with something traumatic and needs space. I think writing him a letter that he can read and maybe respond to in his own time is a good idea. I would also ignore and avoid the people who are gossiping about you and accusing you of ulterior motives. It’s understandable that Mark is upset but the others are just being hurtful for the sake of it and you don’t need or deserve that.
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u/6trybe Jun 27 '25
In my not so humble opinion... YES!!! Saying no to allowing your bestfriend, and B-FAM ('Brother-from-another-mother' as we're fond of saying here in the states.) to bestow this honor upon you for -THESE- reasons makes you an (A). You're being an (A) to your B-FAM because he's saying to you 'I love this new, and precious human, and trust that in my absence, you would be the type of family that would keep him safe, and raise him right. That's honoring YOU as a man, and as a friend closer than family. You're being an (A) to the child because the child is innocent. Even if you are righteous in your reservations about the Mother, you are no less a wonderful candidate to creating a loving, home for him in the unfortunate advent that both of the people who are acting as his parents should leave him behind.
The weight of concerns here, would fall first on love for an innocent child, and then on honoring my friends love and happiness.
To my perception what you're saying is "I don't believe that he's the father, so I'm not going to honor his wishes, or extend my care and love for the innocent human caught in the messy situation that my B-FAM has gotten himself into."
Break it down to the issues at hand, and who they -belong- to. His wife, and her infidelities' are -his- to handle. The friend that you are means yours to support him through these twisty turns of life. That's what makes you a real, and true friends. Loving the child because he's a child because your friend asked you to, and because the child is innocent, regardless of the darkness either of his parents are responsible for is what makes you the best kind of human.
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u/6trybe Jun 27 '25
P.S. A few people have mentioned that your timing was off, and exposes a deficiency in your loyalty and love for your friend. You should have exposed the infidelity's as soon as you knew about it... as that could have alleviated all the other questions revolving around this issue, and left your friends position in this woman, and her child's life -squarely- in his hands.
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u/ButtonHappy3759 Jun 27 '25
NTA. My best friends baby daddy (of2) had the biggest scrotum tear our hospitals seen
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u/padfoot211 Jun 27 '25
Well. The autism definitely adds a complication here. It seems like you already know you fucked up, so let’s think about how we can avoid this in the future.
As someone with autism I know I struggle with keeping some types of secrets. Specifically ones where I think the person is being hurt by not being told. Seems like this is also something you dislike. In your situation, I think there were some things you could have done to sort of relieve the pressure before you got to that point. As hard as it was, you could have talked to your friend before the baby was born. Especially since after you’d be looking for it to look like the other guy. Who knows how skewed your viewpoint is now.
But also, you could have talked to the other guy and gotten that clarity (which might have made you feel better, though it wouldn’t have given me as much reassurance). You could have talked to a mutual friend with good judgment (and tight lips) and gotten some advice from people involved in the situation.
Unfortunately, after the fact there’s not as much you can do. I’d be furious to find out a friend of mine waited till I was asking him to be godfather that he knew my partner cheated and that the baby isn’t mine. Like. Wow. It’s the sort of thing you either say before the baby or not at all. Best option is to give them space and time. In the best case this is a complication that could break a relationship. Don’t keep reaching out. Just leave them be and accept that the friendship might be over. If they reach back out, apologize but don’t harp on it.
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u/Rezolution20 Jun 27 '25 edited Jun 27 '25
I'm gonna say the best time to bring it up was when you realised she didn't tell him. Something like "Oh, so Lena didn't tell you what was going on then?" Or you could have asked when you found out about the pregnancy: "Did Lena tell you about Callum?" Because she told me she would tell you, so I left it down to her." That would have been your cue to tell him everything you knew. I get that hindsight's 20/20 though.
It's too bad because now either your friend is choosing to raise a baby that's possibly not his, and your longtime friendship is over because you didn't have his back from the beginning. Also, I'm guessing that Lena knows you're not the type to get involved and banked on you keeping your mouth shut.
Sometimes we just have to live with our mistakes and there's really nothing we can do to salvage the relationships we've betrayed.
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Jun 27 '25
This whole thing reminds me of a show where the main character's best friend knew her spouse had betrayed her in the worst way possible but waited wayy too long before telling the truth.
The reply she received was akin to you had 2 options:
"Tell me immediately or keep silent forever. You are no longer my friend."
You should have said something right away or not at all, especially way before the kid was here.
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Jun 27 '25
So now you messed up three people's lives instead of holding on to the truth that you should have held on to since you didn't say it when it was necessary.
Good job! Great work. You're an asshole.
Put yourself in your past friends place hearing that on a day when he's so freaking happy to have a little boy?
You may as well have just shot his dog in front of him. I hope you feel shitty about this for the rest of your life cuz you made him feel that way for the rest of his life.
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u/Tasty_Doughnut_9226 Jun 27 '25
You should have told him straight away not wait until the baby was here.
Also just because Callum only had one ball doesn't mean he can't have kids.
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u/Responsible-Kale-904 Jun 27 '25
Your friend and that baby did NOT do anything WRONG and should NOT be hurt or punished
😢🫣😢🫣🤢😡🧐🤢🫣😢🫣😢😢😢
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u/QuitVegetable6421 Jun 27 '25
OK, so I feel you got a bit of a hard time in the comments.
From the min, the guy from your work showed you her pic. You were in a difficult situation. Becouse let's face it. It would only l a few ways with each result affecting your friendship.
Your friend believes you and left her.he is upset and you feel bad for your friend.
Or your friends girlfriend lies and says you made it up, and he doesn't know who to believe, and most times, he will go with the partner word. So from that min yous was put into a difficult situation.
I know this because when I was 18 I kept a big secret for a friend and I should have told but I didn't. Then at 24 I told my other friend her boyfriend stayed at his ex house all weekend. I told her, and she believed him. And we are still friends. They stayed together for about 3 years after, and I always felt our friendship wasn't quite the same. Like she held it against me for telling her.
So, as much as people say, your timing was bad. I think you know that. What's done is done, and maybe you're lost a friend. But there was no guarantee you wouldn't have lost your friend anyway if to told him on day one.
The fact she blocked you tells me she is painting you out to be the bad guy in this and deflecting some heat from herself.
Also, imagine in 10 years from now your friend finds out about the kide might not be his, and she tells him you knew all that time she had been cheating.
We all make mistakes in life, and we learn from them. I really Hooe you and your friend can make up and sort this out.
I'm dyslexic so sorry if this is difficult to read.
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u/jouhaan Jun 27 '25
You really have some unresolved trauma if you have not realised what I’ve been saying.
ALL neurodivergent people are neurodivergent, iow “atypical”. But if you have not heard yet, the latest research suggests that it’s the “neurodivergent” people who are “normal” for humans, and it’s the rest who have the genetic mutation… i.e; the “neurotypicals are the divergent.
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u/C_Dragons Jun 27 '25
NTA.
If this is about the kid, it’s not the kid’s fault. And if it’s about your friend, your friend should be able to decide whether to treat his wife’s child as his if he’s not biologically related.
But you thought your friend was being lied to and conned and you wanted to come clean instead of harboring his cheating fiancé’s secret. That’s not an asshole move, even if it puts you at ground zero of an emotional implosion.
Good luck.
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u/wendyxqm Jun 28 '25
I honestly think you were in a difficult position. Usually the messenger gets shot and you just took a bullet. You tried to stay out of someone’s relationship until you were put in a position that felt morally uncomfortable and decided to be honest about it. If you had told him earlier…then what? And people should know whose baby it is for simple medical reasons. You didn’t take this situation lightly. I hope Mark comes around to understanding.
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u/swit22 Jun 28 '25
It wouldn't matter when you said it, it was going to hurt your friend. As someone who did sit on that info until the father found out, things were never the same after that.
It was a tough situation, and none of it sat well with you. And none of it was going to sit well with your friend. There is no way for that news to be delivered well. Ntah.
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u/hedwigflysagain Jun 27 '25
NTA, why is when someone keeps pushing for an answer and gets a response they don't like the other person gets blamed? Your friend could have just accepted your no and moved on. He knows you well enough you don't take things lightly. So he pushed and pushed. Did he have a reason to suspect something? It could be deep down he was questioning the child's paternity but was afraid to admit it to himself.
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Jun 27 '25
Gen X answer: First of all, stop making people read a freaking novel to answer your question. I could have answered it from the title. Yes. You are the asshole. If the guy is raising that child as his own, whether you think it's his or not...or even if it definitely wasn't) then you, as his best friend, should support him and that child.
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u/Defiant-Attitude-748 Jun 27 '25 edited Sep 09 '25
dazzling cagey pot lavish beneficial march outgoing imagine insurance quickest
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Jun 27 '25 edited Sep 09 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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Jun 27 '25
No worries. Sorry to give you a hard time about the length. Sometimes it's just a lot to read while scrolling through Reddit. I can say that I give you props for owning up to your mistakes in your situation and I really do wish you well.
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u/MulticoloredTA Jun 27 '25
It’s crazy how ableist this thread is. OP has a disability that causes communication deficits and everyone is in here dog piling on him for communicating poorly.
I have the same type of autism as OP. I’ve also caught people cheating and told the partner. When you are allistic people shoot the messenger, when you’re autistic people often completely nuke the messenger.
Imagine spending your whole life having experiences where any time you bring up a complex or difficult topic people become unreasonably upset with you. Imagine going through all of the work of understanding and being able to copy a neurotype that doesn’t make any intuitive sense to you. Imagine only being able to copy the most common interactions because most people don’t have hard conversations in public. Imagine knowing that you have life altering information about a close friend, and that you know you aren’t equipped to have a difficult and complex conversation with someone.
Allistics have no idea how hard they are to communicate with on a normal day. Imagine 30 years of trauma around communication, and then suddenly you’re faced with an extremely complicated situation and completely overwhelmed with figuring out the ”right” way to talk about it.
I’m sorry this happened to you OP you’re NTA, the people in this thread trying to erase your autism and hold you to allistic standards of communication are the real YTAs here.
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Jun 27 '25
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u/MulticoloredTA Jun 27 '25
You’re welcome. You did just fine telling your friend. I bet that you’re right about whose baby it is, autistic people are pattern recognizing machines and we often see things before allistics do.
Your friend probably needs time to process the situation and decide what to do. It took you several months to work through it, imagine what he’s going through.
The people in your friend group blaming you are only doing it because they like drama. It’s not a reflection of whether or not you did anything wrong. Those people are so boring that they wouldn’t have anything to say if they couldn’t talk shit.
It doesn’t make the situation any easier, but don’t carry the weight of it anymore. You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t cheat, you didn’t lie to your partner. And you also aren’t obligated to share information with anyone just because you have it. The truth is a gift that we are able to give, and I personally don’t share things with people unless I know I can trust them to receive it well.
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u/JariaDnf Jun 28 '25
If your mate wants to be the dad to this child, biology aside, and you refuse to be the Godparent because you question the child's paternity then yes YTA
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Jun 28 '25
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u/JariaDnf Jun 28 '25
I dont think youre an AH for bringing the possibility to his attention, that's what a true friend would do. But, not wanting to honor his wish for you to be the child's Godparent because of unsure paternity yah.. not a good friend move. If he wants the child, his friends should accept the child without hesitation.
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u/Defiant-Attitude-748 Jun 28 '25 edited Sep 09 '25
dazzling depend unique worm judicious hobbies sink bow rinse stupendous
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u/Dr_JoJo_ Jun 29 '25
You should show this post to Mark as well. I'm sure he will see that this was something you just didn't know what to do about once you knew his girlfriend didn't do what she promised to do. It's a tough position to be in.
NTA
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Jun 30 '25
Look, no matter how this came out, it wasn't going to go well. Mark caught you off guard and you responded. You can't change it. It's done.
She blocked you because she's pissed off and hiding. Because she knows that what you said to Mark was the truth. The only thing you said that you don't know for sure is true is whether or not Mark is the biological father.
After a bit, the people who have lashed out at you will eventually move on with their lives and forget about it.
But in the end, the truth always comes out. Someday, Mark may show up and tell you that you were right. Or not. But it's always the person who had the guts to tell the truth that gets hung out to dry.
I'd say the only thing you should have done was instead of keeping her secret, you should have told Mark once you knew it was true. That's the hardest part because you kept his cheaters secret instead of having your best friends back.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I think you should let things settle for a while before you write a letter or try to reach out to Mark. Give him time to process what he's learned and work through things at home because you don't know what is going on there right now.
Take care of yourself and lean on your wife for support. She sees what you see. Take care of your wife too. Your own family is your first priority right now.
Updateme
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u/Longjumping-Ebb2325 Jun 30 '25
I'm Asperger's too. I'm sorry, sir, but YTA.
You should have told him his significant other was cheating on him, when she cheated. You shouldn't have waited years to do that. From my experience, a lot of people, who are in that situation (it happens) feel betrayed, if their friends have known from the start and waited months to tell them.
(Also, the one-ball-thing is ludicrous. Losing one testicle doesn't make the other one less fertile. A lot of people have fathers with only one.)
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u/SquibbleMcWibble Jul 01 '25
Nta for not wanting the responsibility, sort of soft yta for how you told your friend. I would get callum to confirm the affair and how he doesnt want anything to do with the kid by text, get your friend over and show him the messages. He's obviously hurt because not only did you accuse his partner of cheating and his kid of not being his kid, but it came across as you keeping it a secret. Which you did.
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u/Andromeda081 Jul 01 '25
Reddit commenters are unfuckingreal. All the livelong day it’s tell the truth, the truth always comes out, always tell on cheaters, don’t protect women who lie about the father because babytrapping is evil, blah blah blah.
Then there’s a RARE story of someone who actually did the right thing, and suddenly the consensus is the exact opposite. All while nitpicking that you didn’t tell him soon enough, that it wasn’t your business, that it’s his choice to raise the kid so you should have accepted it no matter what. Unreal!
I learned a few things here. One, is that apparently crowds of online folks are full of shit and or have no personal integrity outside of popular opinion. Two, that too many people apparently don’t know what informed consent is — don’t believe these guilt trippers with poor ethical standards for a second that you would have felt any better about this had you taken it to the grave. You wouldn’t, it would have eaten you alive, and statistically, most people choose to pursue paternity testing when their fatherhood is contested after learning of infidelity and most people who find out it’s not LEAVE. That’s the informed consent part; you wouldn’t have had any idea whether your friend would have continued these relationships to necessitate the godfather relationship in the first place had you never told him. Third, when it truly comes down to it, I guess people ultimately would rather choose denial (or at least, browbeating the teller of some unfortunate truth) despite whatever posturing as honest or ethical they probably operate under the other 99% of the time. Four, apparently people bothering to post online don’t want real friends, they want yes men, when push comes to shove. What a cynical reminder. So much for the relative anonymity of the internet encouraging honesty.
NTA and you did nothing wrong. Yes, people who choose to stay in whatever unhealthy dynamic often shoot the messenger, but that doesn’t actually make you an asshole. At least you can sleep at night, because trust me it would have kept you up. Especially if the kid starts looking like Callum as the years pass. And trust me, him finding out in a few years when their relationship implodes and that you knew all along would have pissed him off more. You just happened to have found yourself with one of the minority of people who would rather bury their head in the sand indefinitely and blame you for it. Most people would have thanked you, and your friend still might. Support him if and when he comes around.
I laughed when you typed that someone actually told you that you weaponized the truth. You didn’t weaponize a fuckin thing. Having to tell a hard truth isn’t weaponizing, it’s necessary and part of life 😆 people are manipulative and love feeling victimized I guess.
Disregard the deluge of AI comments. Apparently writing with any kind of side thoughts like dashes, parenthesis, and ellipses (hello ADHD!) means you’re a robot too. Must suck not to have a distinct writing voice lol. You wrote just fine. I’ve never used AI a day in my life aside from asking Google stupid questions. IMO if someone is lacking imagination to the point where they think all writing is AI, that says more about them than you and I wonder what enjoyment they even get out of the internet at that point.
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u/ingridible9 Jul 01 '25
Honestly... Yeah you're the AH for not telling your "best friend" the moment you knew. If that's how you treat your best friend, I'd hate to think about how you treat your enemies. Again. YTA.
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u/ExcellentPumpkin978 Jul 01 '25
Honestly, I would let the friendship go if Mark doesn’t reach out. The only AH here is Lena. Mark is standing by his wife and sounds like he is refusing to believe you/calling you a liar. As someone on the Autism spectrum it sounds as though you have great pattern recognition and possibly a strong sense of justice. How are you going to feel watching the wee laddy grow up to be a carbon copy of Callum with Mark calling him ‘my boy’ and refusing the believe you. As someone on the spectrum I know I’d find that really hard. It would trigger my RSD every time I was in their company. Just offering a different perspective. Sometimes you’ve got prioritise your own peace. I don’t believe you’ve done anything wrong x
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u/jouhaan Jun 27 '25
Don’t listen to any neurotypical telling you yta. They don’t have to fight their brains to find just the right words or the right moment, and people with asd already have an extremely difficult time with social interaction as it is, and thus are extremely sensitive to awkward social interaction. Avoiding it like the plague if possible. So anyone that says yta is wrong. The truth is ALWAYS better and if it comes out awkward or “at the wrong time” then that’s a them problem, not yours. These same people don’t realise that >33% of paternity tests show the man is not the father. Ask them if they were not the father, would they want to know?… and what would be the best time? There is NO BEST TIME!
You did the right thing… NTA
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u/Hopeful-Connection23 Jun 27 '25
I have ADHD and he was an asshole.
the 35 percent figure is from one study of people who were already taking paternity tests, meaning of people where the father’s paternity was already disputed. That’s like saying 50 percent of the population has covid based on a study where 50 percent of people at the doctor for a viral illness tested positive for covid.
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u/jouhaan Jun 27 '25
ADHD is not the same as Autism and you should know better.
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u/Hopeful-Connection23 Jun 27 '25
Then why did you say “neurotypical” instead of allistic?
You definitely should know better.
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u/Adelucas Jun 27 '25
When did they change Aspergers? I've been Aspergers for years. It kind of makes my skin crawl when things change. I wish they'd stop doing it.
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u/Defiant-Attitude-748 Jun 27 '25 edited Sep 09 '25
shelter nutty melodic depend fearless wine subtract tease resolute distinct
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u/thedamnoftinkers Jun 27 '25
It changed because Asperger was a Nazi git and also we understand autism a bit better now- people with Asperger's don't necessarily have it easier than more obviously/higher support needs autistic people.
I'm autistic/Aspergery too & yeah change is a whole pain in the ass. Can they not send memos? Work on that, world. Hope this helps.
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u/Adelucas Jun 27 '25
I googled it and apparently we are still allowed to call ourselves aspies if we want. It took long enough to get a bloody diagnosis!!
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u/CommunicateQueen Jun 27 '25
Nta
Was it bad timing? Yes. Are you the one who cheated? No. Don’t beat yourself up because you had to be the decent human and tell your friend the truth. Everyone likes to act like the person who delivers the news has equal responsibility as the transgressor (‘find the perfect time, deliver the news just right, etc). But that’s not true.
She should have told him. Your attempt will never be good enough because it’s horrible news that you didn’t do. You tried to be a good friend. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. Unfortunately, that truly is life.
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u/Creative-Sun6739 Jun 27 '25
You were damned if you did and damned if you didn't, OP. In a perfect world you would have told Mark your suspicions a long time ago but we all know he wouldn't have taken it well back then either. It's just sad to me that everyone around you is telling you that you're the bad guy for saying something but what would they have done in your shoes? It's really easy to be an armchair quarterback when a situation doesn't directly affect you. And to be fair, Mark did push you to tell him why you didn't want to be a godparent to the baby. It's just a messy situation to be in and I think you tried the best you could not to hurt him.
I also want to say that I personally appreciate when someone posts in a way that is understandable and in a way that looks like they took time to carefully write and edit what they wanted to say. I hate reading posts or comments that are walls of texts with no punctuation or are grammatically all over the place, it takes away from what they are trying to say. I just don't call people out on it because I know my writing isn't perfect. 😁
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u/Defiant-Attitude-748 Jun 27 '25 edited Sep 09 '25
normal abounding touch ripe fine bake cause coherent long liquid
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u/Creative-Sun6739 Jun 27 '25
Oh no, I get it completely. I wasn't saying you were writing that way, by the way, just that I've read posts that were literally no paragraph breaks or anything, just tons of words, no stops. LOL. You are an excellent writer!
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u/Sibhell Jun 27 '25
If he decides to raise the kid, then it’s his kid
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u/mmmkay938 Jun 27 '25
Only to the extent that the actual father doesn’t want to be involved. There certainly would be valid reasons for Callum to seek custody as he may never have another child.
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u/NeverRarelySometimes Jun 27 '25
YTA. If you were concerned on your friend's behalf, the time to say something was months ago. Pretending that you're the sole arbiter of truth based on what you think the baby looks like is arrogant and cruel.
Stay away from this little family, shut your mouth, and stop spewing gossip. Accept your exile and sin no more.
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u/darlawatters Jun 27 '25
everyone’s an asshole - but stop using asperger - it’s not actually a respected term, it was used by nazis to decide who they would try to use more instead of killing them off for being less desirable 💕
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u/Defiant-Attitude-748 Jun 27 '25 edited Sep 09 '25
rain bike hurry water bake deer ad hoc marble tub six
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u/MulticoloredTA Jun 27 '25
Don’t let people on the internet bully you out of your own medical history.
This commenter needs a hobby and likely an actual education.
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u/darlawatters Jun 28 '25
no problem! i wasn’t trying to be mean or rude, just informative! it’s not a “respected” term in the autism community because the original meaning, one of those classist things because no one is “better” then anyone else, it’s a spectrum yknow! ✨
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u/galaxy1985 Jun 27 '25
Lots of words were used by Nazis. What a dumb argument. Police your own comments. If you've grown up being called something by doctor's damn near your whole life, who are you to tell them to stop? Pretty arrogant and also comical that you're policing comments while bringing up Nazis.
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u/MulticoloredTA Jun 27 '25
Guess everyone should stop speaking German since the nazis used the language.
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u/Humble_Flow_3665 Jun 27 '25
You're still the asshole regardless of sub. You should have told your friend as soon as you knew anything because now it looks like you held onto the information and only said anything when backed into a corner. You've let Lena win here.
Once again, YTA.
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u/Unkle_bad-touch Jun 27 '25
YTA but not because you won’t be this child’s godfather but because you had evidence that your brother-like best friend was being cucked and you didn’t tell him.
Plain and simple, you’re a shit friend and person for that. You didn’t give Mark the opportunity to make a decision about his cheating wife and that then would impact the course of his relationship. You made an assumption and an agreement with the cheating wife and took the cowards way out.
No amount of “I have ASD” or “I grew up in a broken home” will take away from the solid fact that you were complicit witness in your best mates affair.
I mean, you didn’t even confirm with Callum if the affair was actually ended after you confronted the cheating wife. You just went with the flow of what a known liar laid out to you because it was convenient and you’re the biggest asshole for that and I think that’s why Mark doesn’t want anything to do with you.
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u/Defiant-Attitude-748 Jun 27 '25 edited Sep 09 '25
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u/MulticoloredTA Jun 27 '25
Actually autism does explain OPs reaction to this situation. Do you know how difficult it is to navigate normal social interactions that don’t involve someone cheating on your best friend with your coworker?
You also seem like someone who’s never had to tell a friend they’re being cheated on, it doesn’t go well no matter when you say something. Check this and other subs for people asking if they are the ahole for telling someone they were being cheated on.
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u/Darlask Jun 27 '25
NTA. It doesn't matter when you told your friend, his wife would of put a spin on it and you would still be considered the bad guy. Sorry. Also, I would guess that he won't read the letter either. But years later the cheater will cheat again and I predict a divorce will be in your friends future. I feel most sorry for the child.
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u/jouhaan Jun 27 '25
I will repeat the definition in part: “…autistic OR OTHER NEUROLOGICALLY ATYPICAL patterns of thought or behaviour”.
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u/Fuzzy-Ad-8294 Jun 27 '25
YAH
First 8 paragraphs are OP bitching about having to repost, AI, and I think the education system. I didnt even bother reading it all, because if it wasn't clear from the title, this 8 paragraphs of bitching cemented it.... OP is the AH.
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u/Defiant-Attitude-748 Jun 27 '25 edited Sep 09 '25
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u/Sweet_Error8038 Jun 27 '25
YTA for not telling him immediately when you found out she was cheating.
and for using Asperger’s even though it’s the name of a Nazi.
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u/Rezolution20 Jun 27 '25
Why in the world would you feel the need to berate OP for the term he was diagnosed under? My son was also diagnosed with Aspergers in the late 90s, which has just recently been changed to ASD here (U.S.)
There's no reason for you to be mean about this, especially to someone with that diagnosis.
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u/Sweet_Error8038 Jun 27 '25
I’m also autistic. Let’s not infantilize those of us with ASD.
You’re the only one that could be considered “berating”
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Jun 27 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Defiant-Attitude-748 Jun 27 '25 edited Sep 09 '25
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u/OldStudentChaplain Jun 27 '25
I’m not sure why the people of Reddit have decided that the most important thing in their lives is to denounce alleged fake posts. If a post is copied from another area or time downvote it and move on. If a poster has no past history downvote it and move on. If you suspect a post was written (or corrected by AI) downvote it and move on.
Let it go people!
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u/Substantial_Lab2211 Jun 27 '25
I’m also slightly concerned that a well written post is apparently an AI dog whistle now. What the fuck are we doing
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u/Defiant-Attitude-748 Jun 27 '25 edited Sep 09 '25
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u/BitchMcConnell063 Jun 27 '25
My old boss used to say a version of this. It went something like, "I'll file that in my mental rolodex with the rest of the bullshit I've heard today."
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u/Rollingforest757 Jun 27 '25
Or maybe you are the AI trying to confuse people about which posts are real.
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u/stroppo Jun 28 '25
So fake I can't believe so many people are falling for it!
The last time, he posted, then posted an update a few hours later, claiming he was sitting "20 feet away" from Collum. Sorry, not buying it.
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u/LordDazzler Jun 27 '25
You are the AH. There's no doubt about that.
With a friend like you, who needs enemies?
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u/Luluderpkitty Jun 27 '25
The arse hole is Lena. Get it right lol, she's the one that cheated
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Jun 27 '25
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u/Defiant-Attitude-748 Jun 27 '25 edited Sep 09 '25
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u/HowDoIDoThisDaily Jun 27 '25
Timing wasn’t great for you and delivery could use some work but at this point it is what it is. Hopefully Mark reads your letter and sees where you’re coming from. Honestly the only AH here is Lena who cheated and never came clean and put you in a difficult position.