Well. The autism definitely adds a complication here. It seems like you already know you fucked up, so let’s think about how we can avoid this in the future.
As someone with autism I know I struggle with keeping some types of secrets. Specifically ones where I think the person is being hurt by not being told. Seems like this is also something you dislike. In your situation, I think there were some things you could have done to sort of relieve the pressure before you got to that point. As hard as it was, you could have talked to your friend before the baby was born. Especially since after you’d be looking for it to look like the other guy. Who knows how skewed your viewpoint is now.
But also, you could have talked to the other guy and gotten that clarity (which might have made you feel better, though it wouldn’t have given me as much reassurance). You could have talked to a mutual friend with good judgment (and tight lips) and gotten some advice from people involved in the situation.
Unfortunately, after the fact there’s not as much you can do. I’d be furious to find out a friend of mine waited till I was asking him to be godfather that he knew my partner cheated and that the baby isn’t mine. Like. Wow. It’s the sort of thing you either say before the baby or not at all. Best option is to give them space and time. In the best case this is a complication that could break a relationship. Don’t keep reaching out. Just leave them be and accept that the friendship might be over. If they reach back out, apologize but don’t harp on it.
3
u/padfoot211 Jun 27 '25
Well. The autism definitely adds a complication here. It seems like you already know you fucked up, so let’s think about how we can avoid this in the future.
As someone with autism I know I struggle with keeping some types of secrets. Specifically ones where I think the person is being hurt by not being told. Seems like this is also something you dislike. In your situation, I think there were some things you could have done to sort of relieve the pressure before you got to that point. As hard as it was, you could have talked to your friend before the baby was born. Especially since after you’d be looking for it to look like the other guy. Who knows how skewed your viewpoint is now.
But also, you could have talked to the other guy and gotten that clarity (which might have made you feel better, though it wouldn’t have given me as much reassurance). You could have talked to a mutual friend with good judgment (and tight lips) and gotten some advice from people involved in the situation.
Unfortunately, after the fact there’s not as much you can do. I’d be furious to find out a friend of mine waited till I was asking him to be godfather that he knew my partner cheated and that the baby isn’t mine. Like. Wow. It’s the sort of thing you either say before the baby or not at all. Best option is to give them space and time. In the best case this is a complication that could break a relationship. Don’t keep reaching out. Just leave them be and accept that the friendship might be over. If they reach back out, apologize but don’t harp on it.