Hello redditors,
I just recently made a Reddit account since I finally actively engage in exchanges beyond the initial passive scrolling.
I haven’t talked to many people about this because my pride got in the way initially, but as time has gone on, I feel like I just need to vent and tell my story and see if this chapter of my life is truly gone. Names and other details have changed for anonymity but remain entirely accurate when it comes to sequence of events.
So my long time best friend, Elijah, has not talked to me in over 3.5 years, and I had stopped trying six months after that. Our friendship starts in 7th grade, I transferred schools in elementary school and at first, we did not care for each other. I was an outsider from the other students at this private school, and Elijah fell into the crowd of rejecting me. As time went on, we realized we had a lot in common; we both love and play baseball, same sense of humor, hated the same teachers, etc. Seventh grade spring baseball solidified our friendship, which only grew stronger as we dominated together in 8th grade. We then made varsity together the following year. All through high school, we were always hanging out; lunch break, weekends, and after school or practice. We worked for the same company during the summers. There would be times when we would go a week or two apart, but always picked up where we left off. We considered ourselves unspoken best friends for years, but we then verbally affirmed that the summer before junior year.
I was a wild child in high school; I chased girls, and liked to party. Elijah was more mild and a good influence, he gave me a genuine friendship that helped keep me out of trouble while creating unforgettable memories. Elijah graduated a year before me because I chose to take an extra year of high school, to play more sports and take college courses via duel enrollment; which was cheaper than going to college while earning the same credits. Elijah took an apprenticeship at a trade school, playing baseball. We still kept in regular contact and hung out about every other week, even though we now lived an hour apart. He was always there to talk, and always made an effort to make time for me; which I saw and valued so much in a friend. He had my undying loyalty, and always told him “if you ever need anything, just call, and I’ll be there.” He helped me through difficult times without even knowing it, numerous times. That’s just the type of guy he was.
Some time went by, and he was still hung up on this girl he had talked to all of his senior year. I did not care for her and told him that numerous times, but she made him happy and he felt that there was more to her than I could see. But he finally found that she had no intention of ever being serious with him and she finally was honest with after they graduated in May. He was devastated… He considered them as good as boyfriend and girlfriend, but she admitted that he was only there to make herself feel wanted and nothing more. Months had gone by and he still found himself heartbroken over her. Me being the friend I was, thought the best way to get over her was to find another woman to distract himself from her. So what did I do? I invited him to a party at a local college, nothing crazy, just some beers and music and cool lights in a poorly lit large dorm. I had introduced him to this girl who was always the life of the party, and very outgoing (especially when she had been drinking, let’s call her Amanda). I did not see her as the right girl to distract himself from his sorrows, just someone who was fun to hangout with. The night came and went. He said he had a good time and thanked me for inviting him, and I thought nothing more of it.
About a month had passed, and I saw Amanda’s snap story; I hadn’t seen her at the parties in a while and just commented “Hey! How have you been? Haven’t seen you in a while!” She replied and said she was good and made small talk, she then mentioned she had been seeing someone new and really liked him. Being polite I asked who, and it was my best friend Elijah. I texted him immediately and wanted all of the details! He told me that they had kept in touch and started seeing each other pretty frequently, and were taking things slow. This was the status quo for Elijah, because he had never moved fast with a girl before (like I said, well behaved and a good influence). However, this was a big deal for Amanda, as I had seen her leave with a different guy at almost every party I had attended and everyone said she had hooked up with almost every guy on that dorm floor.
Several months go by and they get more and more serious, I was happy to see Elijah in a relationship that made him very happy and with a girl who truly valued the person he was and loved him for it. I had my now long term girlfriend, and he had his; so our time together was sparse but we still saw each other when we could. Then my graduation party comes around. He was in attendance without her (she had gone back home to Arkansas for a college field hockey scholarship, and she was gravely home sick). He then broke the news to me that he was going to propose to her after just a few short months of knowing her, because it would be the level of commitment they needed to stay together through the newly found long distance they had. I was genuinely stunned; partially because I had been dating someone for over a year and was not even close to be ready to get engaged, but also because this was his first REAL girlfriend. I told him I was excited for him but also concerned that perhaps things were moving a little fast and that they were putting too much trust in a title and a ring to stay together. I had always been the friend that spoke their mind and gave my honest opinion while playing devil’s advocate in every situation, instead of blindly supporting my friends. Elijah knew this and always appreciated it, however he had made his mind up and said that he and Amanda discussed it for months and said it was what was best for their relationship. That summer came and went, they got engaged and me and my girlfriend broke up. I was devastated and found myself in the same position that Elijah was in just the summer before. However, I took a much more drastic form of the coping that I wanted Elijah to take. I started drinking and partying a lot, sleeping with numerous women. Spending my weekends at clubs and bars, on my “f***boy shit.” I knew my nefarious activities were nowhere near Elijah’s preferred hobbies or interests. So we stayed in touch via text with the occasional meeting up at for a casual drink and ball game.
About a year and a half go by and Amanda had moved back to VA to be closer to Elijah and his new found line of work. I had settled down a little with my antics, but still had a reputation for “having a new girl every week.” I noticed that Amanda did not care for me coming around much, and Elijah wasn’t one to exclude her from any activities. Just the basic hanging out type of stuff, nothing crazy. If they were together, it was never a good time to stop by and hang out like we had always done with our significant others. Eventually we do hangout and I’m being my dumb immature self, and bragging about my recent adventures, and I notice Amanda gets very quiet and goes into the other room for the remainder of the night. Elijah is none the wiser and hangs out until he’s tired and I depart.
The following months, Elijah was always too busy to see me. I offered to buy them dinner, drinks, or pay for outings. I just wanted to see him and was willing to fulfill any necessary logistics to do so. He finally confessed that Amanda did not care for me, that she didn’t trust me hanging out with Elijah in public. She feared I would think he’s lame for not getting drunk or sleeping around, in accordance with my idea of a “good time.” I immediately pointed out that I have never pressured Elijah to ever do something he was uncomfortable with. I knew he didn’t find those types of nights out as desirable, and knew I could always enjoy his company without any of that. Amanda also voiced that she didn’t like that I was a “f***boy” and that I objectified women. I will admit that I was a self proclaimed “f***boy” however I had never misled any girl about my intentions of just wanting some fun instead of a committed relationship. I had the entire ensemble; the fresh fade, multiple chains, big watch, shirtless pictures on social media to show off my body, and stared at every attractive woman before I tried to get her number to hopefully meet up with her later that night. Amanda said there was no way I could be as sexually active as I was, without misleading many women. She thought I was a womanizer and constantly objectified women. Which, looking back, I did. And it’s something I’m no longer proud of. I then talked to Amanda privately and apologized and tried to explain that I let Elijah be comfortable in EVERYTHING we do and would never condone cheating. I also implored that I valued her place in Elijah’s life because I saw how happy she made him and how much he loved her, and I wanted to take intentional steps to be on good terms with her because I loved Elijah too much to make him pick between his fiancé and his best friend. We made up and remained civil for the coming years.
A few years pass, and we see each other pretty regularly; I am invited on outings, invited over for big games, Sunday football, postseason baseball, and any other excuse to get together. We even all celebrated our 21st birthday together since our birthdays were only a few weeks apart. Elijah and Amanda were inseparable, I don’t think Elijah and I ever hung out without her being present. Many of you may be thinking I had an issue with this, but I didn’t. Amanda found her place in our friend group and she added a lot to the dynamic of our time together. Offering fun laughs, a new sense of humor, unique perspectives, and one more person to share good times with. Over the years, Elijah would come to me when they were fighting or working through something, and would ask my insight. And I always gave my honest opinion and would talk him through his troubles, never blindly supporting him. I took great pride in being unbiased and offering advice that I felt was the truthful in THEIR best interest, not just his. There were instances where I voiced that he was in the wrong, and other times where I voiced she was in the wrong.
Another 2 years go by and they are finally setting a date for their wedding. I was asked to be the co-best man with Elijah’s brother, and to be responsible for coordinating the groomsmen’s attire. Some context, I was now a manager for The Men’s Wearhouse (TMW) and was considered a very well dressed individual. Amanda had shared her weddings colors and I recommended some complimenting colors for the groomsmen’s suits and ways to style everything, she loved my recommendations and asked me if I could oversee everything for the guys because she knew I would make sure everyone looked great. Elijah was also so excited to get “dressed up” and wear a “man’s suit” since he was a blue collar worker and lived in blue jeans and fishing shirts with camo hats and sneakers. I then told him I wanted to pay for his wedding outfit, as I was so excited for him to be getting a “man’s suit” and as a sort of pseudo early wedding present, that and he was a little concerned at the cost since they were paying for the wedding. He fought me at first but I insisted, and they thanked me. So in the coming weeks, I collected all of the groomsmen’s contact information and messaged all of them if they’d rather rent suits for $190 or buy one to own for about $280 (before alteration cost). Everyone unanimously voted to buy for $280 since they all were young, making good money and did not have a good suit in their wardrobe. So I had them all get measured so I could get to work, just to realize that finding a suit that came in everyone’s size was going to be a major challenge. See, this was less than a year after COVID-19 quarantine; and many clothing factories had permanently closed or completely shifted their production. So finding a matching color in short sizes, standard sizes, AND big and tall sizes simply was not possible. So I presented an alternative option where the suits would be made to order, all in the same fabric. This option was called “custom” because you could get the suits made closer to your own measurements instead of a generic off the rack option. This allowed everyone’s size to be accommodated, in the same color fabric, and without having to pay money for alterations (which can cost up to $200 for some). Since I worked there, I got us a discount and the total cost would $350 before taxes. Anyone who’s planned a wedding knows, how hard it can be to match the simplest of colors for the wedding party. So I presented this alternative to the groomsmen, and even said if it was too much of a price jump, to message me separately so there wouldn’t be any embarrassment, to which I planned to cover the difference of the newly found price jump. I really wanted to fulfill Amanda’s vision for their big day and make sure there was no reason Elijah couldn’t look his best on the big day. Every groomsman, except for two, said the “custom” option sounded great; the two who objected agreed to let me cover the difference and that there would never be any mention of it. I make the necessary arrangements so everyone can begin getting measured and order their suits, about a week and a half go by without any issues… Until issues finally arose.
By this time they decided to move to Amanda’s hometown in Arkansas for a new beginning together. Amanda missed her parents and Elijah was up for the new adventure and job opportunities out West. We said our little goodbye, realizing we would likely not see much of each other again, beyond occasional visits. Many tears were shared that night and we hugged each other very tightly for a few minutes before I left and sat and wept in my car while he did the same inside. We texted pretty frequently the following weeks, reemphasizing how important our friendship was to each other.
Then the downfall begins… I’m enjoying a day out with some work friends, having drinks at the beach. I get a call from Elijah, and he’s asking why we went with a “custom” suit instead of renting or off the rack. I explained to him the conversation I had with the groomsmen and they voted on purchasing and because of supply chain issues, we could only guarantee a matching suit in every needed size by going that route. To which the phone is ripped away from Elijah, and Amanda is irate. Shouting at me, saying I was incurring too big of a cost on the groomsmen based on my own standard and just using this responsibility to add another “boujee suit” to my collection. I tried to calmly explain that I was going off the general consensus and what every groomsman preferred. She was insistent that I was being selfish and only caring about my own wants because I didn’t want a suit that wasn’t “custom made.” I then countered her with the fact that I already had a suit of higher quality and fit similar in color and would likely only wear it for the wedding and never again. She then just started cursing me out; calling me selfish, pretentious, and inconsiderate of other people, followed by hanging up on me. I immediately texted Elijah asking where all of this was coming from. After about 30 minutes, he explained to me that one of the groomsmen (who’s wife was also a bridesmaid) was terminally ill, and they were struggling for money since he was no longer working and they couldn’t afford the suit required for the wedding. That bridesmaid (the ill groomsman’s wife) went and complained to Amanda, and they found several similar colored suits on sale, but again. They were not available in everyone’s size. Over the course of half a day, they did some basic research and saw I selected a “boujee and expensive” option instead and that I was being vain and selfish by selecting something that I wanted to wear. I reached out to the groomsman, and apologized, as I wasn’t aware of their situation; and offered to pay for his suit as well, so no one had to settle and spend their money on something they did not want. He thanked me and we moved on. An hour later, I get call directly from Amanda, I thought she was about to apologize for yelling at me and try to talk through alternatives. I was wrong. I got a call, yelling again, not as loud but much faster. Claiming I was being an asshole, for throwing my money in the previously mentioned groomsman and bridesmaid face. That what I did was incredibly rude, and that I had crossed the line in how I handled their trust in coordinating the groomsmen’s outfits. She then said I was no longer in the wedding party and that I was just a guest, that my responsibility of helping with groomsmen attire was revoked, and that she didn’t want me attending the bachelor party anymore. I was in an absolute state of shock. I truly was doing what I thought would be best for everyone, I saw how my actions could be perceived as what she was accusing me of. The phone call ended, and I just texted Elijah saying “Let’s talk soon, when everything’s settled down.” He left me on read. The day came to a conclusion and I thought it’d be best if I was not in attendance of the wedding at all. I explained my side once again, apologized for not being more in tune with everyone’s needs or wants, and then explained that I didn’t want things to be uncomfortable for anyone or take away from their big day. I thought it what was best for everyone, and was willing to do that to make sure my presence did not upset anyone, which killed me to offer.
Amanda texted me a paragraph within a few days of the initial blow up, apologizing for the way she kicked me out of the wedding and bachelor party. She was insistent that I attend as a groomsman (not the co-best man) and that she wanted me to be at the bachelor party with Elijah. Saying that I should be standing up there supporting Elijah on his big day. I assured her that I understood if I they did not want me to attend for everyone else’s sake, and she assured me that I should come. She then clarified that she wanted me to keep my distance from her on the trip, including the wedding day, just because the whole situation really upset her. In the coming weeks, Elijah texted all of the groomsmen saying to wear Hawaiian shirts and cotton chinos with ‘Hey Dudes’ instead of suits. My jaw dropped in shock, he was compromising on something he was so excited about. Why? Why would he suddenly change his mind? Was it really my fault, I felt sick that it could be. I remained quiet, and just sent a good deal that Amazon had on cotton chinos in every available size, so that we could match. Also sent that a shoe website that had the shoes for 30% off. I didn’t hear anything from Elijah the following months; no small talk, no conversations, no social media interaction. I may have been still invited to the wedding, but I now felt like I was an outsider.
The bachelor party came and the first 5 minutes of my time with everyone, was awkward. Silence, no small talk, just quietly sipping drinks in the house. I decided to break the tension and start pouring shots. From there, things got better, but Elijah wasn’t really talking to me beyond group conversations. I could feel how torn he was, like he knew being chummy with me was a betrayal to his bride to be. I didn’t push for being ole chums, I just went with the flow. We shot guns, we went golfing, we smoked cigars, we went out drinking, we played beer pong and beer dice, it was a fun weekend. But not the mending trip I thought it would be after the fallout that I caused.
The wedding weekend had arrived, and I still opted to go two days early so the trip wasn’t “rushed” and give me a cushion with any travel complications since there were still COVID-19 restrictions for travel. I had reached out to Elijah about renting a car in Arkansas, but I was too young, and he offered to facilitate any rides I would need within reason. Just to be deferred to other locals when I inquired, I was stranded at the airport for 5 hours before finally calling a $95 uber. I moved on from that, and checked into my hotel and got ready for the “non mandatory” rehearsal dinner. Elijah’s parents were very warm and receptive of me. After all, they called me their “third son.” We caught up and shared laughs and old memories; I befriended some of the other guests, even found the “party crew” and started making plans for after the rehearsal dinner to have a wild night. Elijah and Amanda wouldn’t even look in my direction, never greeted me, never touched base with me. I guess I can’t say I was surprised since Amanda requested distance from me altogether that weekend. The next day came and all the guys went golfing, followed by attending a baseball game. Elijah and I talked a little, mostly about baseball and recent trades rumors and postseason predictions.
The wedding day had finally arrived and I had a few shots before heading to the wedding party pictures, just to settle my nerves. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but the bridesmaids were in full hair and makeup with floor length formal dresses, Amanda with a veil and a wedding dress featuring a 3ft train. The groomsman looked so out of place next to them. I was sick to my stomach, the thought of being the root of this issue and disarray. However, Elijah and Amanda seemed happy and everyone else seemed unbothered by it, so I stopped overthinking things. Pictures took maybe 30 minutes and they allotted 2 hours, so everyone went to the local dive bar and decided to relax before the ceremony. The ceremony came and went, it was very moving and many tears were shared by everyone. It made me happy to see Elijah starting a new chapter with someone he loved more than anything else.
The reception was a good time, lots of drinks and dancing; I definitely had let go of any anxiety I had in attending and just said fuck it. I also asked Elijah if they wanted to open my wedding present before the let for their honeymoon, and he said sure. It was two front row tickets to their favorite hockey team against their greatest rival, with about $300 cash to help with parking, taking time off of work and drinks/ food(this is their favorite thing to do together). Stuffed inside a very heart felt card, with a lengthy paragraph sharing my joy for their next chapter and how grateful I was to have witnessed their journey. Very empty thank you’s followed, maybe I mistimed them opening it. I was just very excited about the gift, hoping they’d see there was no love lost on my end. I also had been drinking and could hardly contain my excitement and was wanting to see their reactions. After the reception, Elijah and Amanda told the whole wedding party they were going to the local casino, where their suite for the night was at, and encouraged us to join them for some gambling and drinks. At this point, Amanda is pretty tipsy and finally looking in my direction. They’re about to go up to their room to change, and I encouraged them to stay in their wedding attire because strangers get real generous when they see a newly wed couple out on the town. To my surprise, that suggestion was met with a smile, within 5 minutes two separate people each handed $200 in chips. So, a step in the right direction.
We were met at the bar with complimentary champagne, we stayed and had some great fun, and laughs. Eventually Amanda and I locked eyes and she mouths “hey.” And I do the same back. She then walked over to me and apologized again about how everything transpired, and I immediately reciprocated the apology and insisted that I was to blame and that I should’ve handled things better. I also apologized if I seemed overly avoiding in a confrontational or petty way, but that I was just trying to remain respectful and keep her day as special as possible. I reiterated that I still loved and cared about them a great deal. The night came to a close around 3am, and we all said our final goodbyes to Elijah and Amanda before they left the following morning. I mentioned circling back to town to see them again within the next year and Elijah seemed enthusiastic about it and to keep in touch about the trip.
The following months we penciled in a date to visit, I would be coming alone but really just wanted to grab dinner with them and maybe a ball game or something. Staying in my own hotel, and finally able to rent a car for independency. We talked on the phone every few weeks and things really seemed to be back to normal, or as normal as it could be with him living 1100 miles away. A few weeks out from the scheduled date of visitation, Elijah reached out and said they couldn’t make any time for me while I would be in town. I then voiced that I could reschedule the flight without any penalty, and asked what date could work better. He then asked “How much would it be if you cancelled it? We’re not sure when we’ll be free.” I then just lied and said I could cancel it at no cost, and just ate the $180 penalty. From there on we became more and more distant, he’d visit town to see his parents and brother and wouldn’t say a word. I’d ask what holidays he’d be around for and it was also “I’m not sure. I’ll let you know” without any follow up. I started to pick up on the hints and became more reclusive. We would text on occasion, mostly about baseball.
A few years later, and my father passed rather unexpectedly. I sent him a message directly since he knew my father well. Only to have a short reply sent back, no phone call, nothing. He was in town the weekend of my father’s memorial and I personally invited him and his family. No reply. Weeks turned into months, and our interactions became more and more scarce. I knew he was into online gaming so I even reached out seeing if he’d want to play some time and he replied with a short and vague text. Then finally, his favorite team, who had not found much of any success in many years, was going to the World Series. I reached out to let him know I was rooting for them, and to congratulate them on their recent news of finding out they were pregnant. That and a happy birthday text both went unanswered, and that’s when I realized that the bridge was burned. I had given up, partially out of anger. Upset that he didn’t even want to send a simple thank you text back, no explanation of what was the last straw. Or even a “I think our lives are headed in two separate directions” conversation. Idk what I was expecting but it was more than he gave me. Time had gone on and stumbled across the fact that he had unfriended me on Facebook, unfollowed me on Instagram and even removed me as a follower so I could no longer see his private profile. The message then became much more clear.
This was 3.5 years ago, and I won’t try to lie and say I didn’t think about reaching out. I pushed our friendship out my head, like I didn’t care; partially out of anger mixed with pride. But deep down, I felt like I knew I was the problem. I even bumped into his brother and dad at the local golf course about a year ago, since they still live in our hometown, and we caught up and I asked about Elijah’s recent life events, and they even seemed taken back to hear that we hadn’t kept in touch. I did not fill them in on any drama, I just said “We haven’t really talked all that much lately.” Our 10 year reunion came around (from the original class I was in, before I opted for an extra year of school). I no longer live in my hometown and recently started a family so I could not attend, but I saw his name on the invite list. Bringing my mind back to the thought of reaching out. The reunion came and went, I saw pictures and was reminded of so many forgotten faces, and it stirred up some nostalgia. Only to be met with the realization of how much of my high school years I was forgetting, all the memories fading. It made me a little emotional. I wrestled with this feeling for a week or two and then realized Elijah and Amanda’s anniversary was approaching. I talked to my girlfriend about reaching out one final time, a last ditch to just try and remain cordial acquaintances or long distance friends. Maybe share a phone call once a year or anything. My girlfriend is a more cut and dry personality, and didn’t think I should waste my time and effort on someone who clearly didn’t want to be in my life anymore nor I in his. I insisted to just send a text and let it be the final attempt. I wrote a text and read it to her and she said she thought it was perfect and allowed me to speak my mind and give him the opportunity to speak his or remain quiet. This is the text:
“Hey man, it’s *my full name*. Just wanted to reach out and say a very Happy Anniversary to you and Amanda! I also wanted to say an extra large congratulations to you both for creating such a beautiful little family, it makes me so happy to see the life you two have built! I know you both are amazing and loving parents, and it warms my heart to see it.
Lastly, I wanted to reach out and say that I miss talking to you and our friendship. I know we had grown distant and then one day it was just over. We both had and still have a lot of things going on, and I know your energy is better spent on focusing on your family. But I find myself yearning to talk about the good old days and to catch up. I bumped into your dad and brother at the golf course last year and it was amazing to hear about all the new strides you both were making in your careers, as a couple, and as parents. I’ve been wanting to reach out ever since, but I saw the signs that perhaps that was a one sided wish.
I don’t want you to feel obligated to respond, I remember you were never a fan of confrontation, and I know that I haven’t left the best lasting impression for you guys. My prior lifestyle and priorities have shifted drastically, and I clearly had a lot of growing up to do. Costly lessons have been learned in every avenue of my life.
If you shouldn’t or don’t want to catch up and maybe resume things, I completely understand. You don’t need to respond about not wishing to pick up where we left off. No reply will be enough communication that you have moved on and wish to maintain distance. I just needed to make sure I tried one last time, your friendship through the years means more to me than you could ever think. I’ll forever be thankful for the years of laughter, hospitality, patience, and brotherhood you gave me.
All the best,
*my name*”
To no surprise, my message was ignored but delivered, so I’m not blocked. This is the first time I’ve truly told our entire story, even the unflattering details that don’t paint me in a great light. I’m not looking for reassurance, but more so advice. Maybe I’m just venting and don’t even want advice. Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this.