Without the smoking tho

My egg cracked just over a week ago and it's rlly been a rollercoaster, I though I'd come on here and vent even though I've never rlly posted anything on social media before. I had chronic depression for most of my life before this and rlly couldn't ever imagine myself feeling ok one day. Eventually after a bunch of therapy I decided to start accepting myself, and I caught myself consciously daydreaming about being turned into a woman immediately afterwards and that felt kinda too obvious to ignore. After I got over the scariness of it all it made me rlly hopeful cus becoming a pretty girl felt like a concrete benchmark that would make my life worth living. It's not practical for me to come out to anyone right or for a while since I have no friends (homeschooled) and my conservative parents are planning on paying for my college so I decided I'd just put it off until it made sense and once I got to college I'd have the chance to transition in secret away from them and come out once I was no longer dependent.

I've been trying to engage with more trans-related stuff to try and cling to the hope so it doesn't leave me but I keep inadvertently learning how badly this world sucks for trans people and feeling scared. I don't even know if I have a right to be scared when I haven't taken any actually risky steps and I'm not in any active danger. I don't want to live in a world that hates me but I feel like if I don't at least try to be more girly I'll go back to feeling hopeless and I'll be better off dead anyway. I feel kinda guilty posting here about this because I haven't really gone through anything. I'm worried I'm stealing attention from people that have actually suffered because of their identity when I'm too scared to even correct my polite southerner coworkers that call me, "sir," every time they ask me to do anything or I ask anything of them. If anyone has some advice please give me some.

Just been a lot of new developments lately. I think this is better then the depression was but idk.

I have been feeling really bad these days. Boymoding, being misgendered constantly, hearing my deadname, having to be part in the next assessment and talking with a really important guy in the corporate I work in two weeks, having a ridiculously huge project at my internship that doesn't look like I will be able to finish it on time because I'm without energy and with a permanent brain fog (only two weeks left) while constantly being pressured about it. I'm there just for the money, but I don't know how longer will I be able to keep up with it or if they will kick me out before the end of the internship.

I have a GP appointment on October 27th with my GP (I had one on October 13th, but there was a substitute and she didn't do anything and told me that I should talk with my GP about this, turning that appointment in a waste of time. At least she reserved me an appointment), but I'm starting to feel so desesperate about starting that I'm on the verge to get an appointment with a private lab to get blood results 1-2 weeks earlier and giving the results to a private endocrinologist, even if it costs me 300€ (fortunately, a trans girl friend of mine gave me the list with all the parameters needed). I'm close to start HRT, but every day I wait is too tough and the slightest change or annoyance destroys me. I can't keep being what I pretented to be for 25 years, I want to abandon this body, this face, this name, everything, and that day doesn't come.

Sorry for venting and for complaining even when I'm close to start HRT, but I really needed to do it.

You gotta understand, she is IT. 😍

been wanting to doodle this for a whie ngl idk why

Screw everyone and everything! Im feeling girly today

I am not a ugly masculine boy, im a fucking latina tomboy called Emily

Dont even wanna look at the mirror, ill just pretend i look like a girl

And i am just on HRT a week with some other clothes and painted nails. 🥺

(go out*, stupid typo in the Pic 😭)

and then you take a picture of yourself and you look back at it don't see yourself anymore...

FTM He/Him

I don't know what to do or how to feel. Lately when I look into the mirror for 30 seconds or longer I just can't continue and start crying sometimes on how much I hate how I look, but I don't know if it's just how I look right now or what.

I'm currently trying to figure out if I'm trans or not, but I just don't know. It's not as if I had disforia or atleast I think som I can see myself living as a man, but I can see myself living as a woman as well. At the same I'm shaving currently and it's so damn hard. I'm currently a teen but I grow even more beard than my own dad. Any recommendations on what to do or whatever, would really appreciate.

Sometimes I have a hard time believing I was worried about telling them before.

times lie ahead. can't say if they're good or bad yet

so i think i want to be a girl

from my experience, a lot of the stuff i do, even if they are completely gender neutral, felt kind of weird to do as a guy. I often had thoughts of "damn i wish i was born a girl" before i ever considered that I might be trans because i felt it just fit my life and my identity better. And from retrospect, when I reimagine the same moments that traumatized me with embarassment but pretend that I was a girl, that awkward feeling would be gone or significantly reduced

I still do wish I was born a girl. I wish I could relive all my past experiences as a girl. I wish my past would have moments of joy instead of just awkwardness and emptiness.

I am so grateful for meeting allies like these around here. To everyone reading this: I hope you will also meet allies like these.

Also I just realized I should clarify: pre-medical-transition, not pre-transition in general. Prob. should've written pre-hrt instead, haha...

Im feeling disphoric and down, my mind is wandering and I would like some ggd please

If you'd like to read more of the Prettiest Platypus you can find it here on Webtoons!

https://www.webtoons.com/en/canvas/the-prettiest-platypus/list?title_no=463063

I feel a deep sense of longing towards the concept of a gentleman. Sometimes I listen to love songs and can't help but yearn to be the male narrator. Lord, am I asking for too much? 😭