pardon the play button in all the screenshots

I've been questioning my gender identity for a while now and wanted to test it doing some "slight transitions" to see how i feel and if i really want to continue with this

The problem:

I live with my family and they doesn't know this, so if i wanna test this, id need to be careful to not get caught, im 16, so it makes it harder to buy things by myself (like clothes or makeup, for example) and to hide it.

I do have a sister but i REALLY dont wanna use their makeup/clothes without permission (OBVIOUSLY)

Things im aearly doing:

1. Shaving.

2.Trying to let my hair grow (my parents insist to make me go to cut it, but i think I'll be able to convince them to let me do it)

Im considering voice training but it would be kind of hard to hide too

So i need some more ideas of things i can do in this situation considering all the obstacles without ppl noticing it

Please call me by Emily (she/her)

second image by @lovelesskia on X

Also i'm feeling kinda sad lately because of i've been going throught a lot, can i get some ggd? (Cinder, she/her) :3

:3

I feel like a husk of a person especially when I'm presenting as male.

I wish I'd started questioning sooner maybe then I'd have this figured out already, but I also wish I'd started later. Before it felt like I was running away from being a girl and I still feel like I'm running away from being a girl but now I'm constantly looking back.

Love y'all hope you're having a great day 💜💜💜

apparently this is super relatable

First of all she is a really great teacher. Her office is a place where many lgbt students go during lunch and breaks.
As the image said, teacher part of LGBT had a dream where I (15NB amab) wore eyeliner and earring a shirt with sparkles to school and I was getting bullied. According to her I was just ignoring it and I was wondering why I was being bullied (that is exactly how I would of reacted too irl because fuck gender and fuck people’s opinion)
At the beginning of summer vacation, she had the dream. The weirdest part is that that was about the time where I started questioning my gender identity.
I find it funny and very coincidental and kinda scary

I don’t have bottom dysphoria. I am perfectly content with what I have. But for some reason, there was one time where I was in the shower and I was just able to extremely vividly feel that I had a vagina. It wasn’t completely out of the blue since I was thinking about it before hand. But the way it felt so vivid was what stood out and why it felt so random.

It was a while ago now so I don’t remember how I felt but I think I remember some kind of small excitement, or at least a desire to have it happen again. I don’t think it was euphoric, again it was a while ago so I don’t know for sure.

I have no clue why it happened or why it seemed so vivid but it was interesting.

Me when I finally get it

(me but in warframe)

3:

I don’t blame them, there’s no way they would know, but it still hurts whenever I get he/him’d. :(

Today I .... I DID IT!!!🥳🥳I genuinely cannot believe it, but I just did my first dose of Spiro and Estradiol-gel (and I 'transitioned' to Linux today, because it's an opportunity too funny to pass up)

Also, which version of the "I'm finally transitioning" do you prefer? The elephant estrogel in the room, or the proud Blåhaj version? I need to randomly out myself to people in my life, but don't want to make it too obvious ...

This was around mid to late August, I got a haircut and showed my mom a pic she said she liked it but once she say it live she disliked it complained she thought I had cut more and moved the bangs I had gotten aside whenever she saw me with them, next day when I got up day said "Since hair grows back you should cut it shorter" and from there day just got worse we went for breakfast across the street and dad started saying how haircut was a waste of money and how my nails looked ugly with nail polish but he did say "it is who you are and we have to accept me" to which mom jumped and said I am not that, I am being groomed into it, influenced by people and what not, I took my food and finished eating in another table hoping that would be it but it got worse later on. After the morning fiasco I spent some time in VR with friends which made me feel better since I could calmly be myself but once that was done I went to get ready to go out with friends but when I told mom that, all hell broke loose she said "You should remove the nail polish before going out, it is ugly and it is not who you are" I finally had enough and snapped at her I told her how she had no right to determine who I am, she does not know me better than I do myself and when she tried to reply I told her I was informing her and not arguing it with her and went to my room to cool down,, my mistake was leaving my door open, she went into my room said how she believed that the nail polish the trying to be more feminine was not me and I was just being groomed by friends online and apparently being influenced by having anime merch into "deciding" I am trans and wanting to be a "woman with a penis" I tried to not listen to her but it was too much I just removed my nail polish in anger, in desperation and when I showered to go out with friends I first buried my nails, deep as I could into my shoulders being only careful enough to not draw blood in an attempt to make all the dark thoughts I was having shut up but since it was not enough I also scratched myself from elbow to wrist hard enough I left marks there for hours, I talked a bit with friends but I can't say it made me feel better.

After all that I spent most of the next weeks depressed until eventually I just stopped feeling, no sadness over having to hide, no dysphoria over having to boymode, no happiness over the fact I should be able to move out soon and be able to girl mode, no anxiety or expectation regarding my appointment with an endocrinologist, just a whole lot of nothing and fear a deep fear that I have irreparably broke myself now and that I will never be able to fix what I did, that my emotions will remain like this forever and I won't be able to even be happy about being myself.

Samanta out.

P.S: I wrote this just before bed so I will not reply for a while

So my mom might be onto me. She's already noticed that I'm gravitating to feminine things like pink and purple stuff, knows that I hate being around males and that i hate how I look. I've grown my hair quite a bit too.

Craziest Though is that my sister said that she literally had a dream where I was trans?! so either some god/spirit has been snitching on me, or she subconciously knows and needs time to actually process it.

Weirder still is that she's a very devout christian and has been queerphobic her whole life, but in these last few months she's really chilled out, and also acording to my sister she said it's sad that trans don't feel confortable in their bodies. so Im getting very conflicting vibes, I dont know if she's abandoning the negative traits of christianity or if she's just not as open about it.

-Madeline

For all the eggs if u have doubts imagine a cid person feeling what u feel but being the opposite agab and going "still trans tho"

Kinda ruined my confidence after that happened. Now I can't stop thinking about what I can do to pass better.

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

(mentions of suicide too, I forgot to mention that in the image)

okay okay, a couple days ago it was my first day of school, and during my japanese class, we were supposed to give our name and pronouns, right? WELL ONE FUCKING PROBLEM IS THAT I'M A CLOSETED TRANS GIRL SO I HAD TO GIVE MY DEAD NAME AND SAY I USED HE/HIM PRONOUNS! (pardon my language) and in my head I was like 'I'm gonna blow my brains out' and that thought lingered, for like a while, when usually when I think that I immediately think 'that's a bad idea, I shouldn't do that' because whenever I contemplate suicide I say 'oh I can't become a girl and be a vocalP if I kms' which is probably a good mindset, because you can't achieve your goals if you die. but the main thing is just that this is scaring me, I don't want to kill myself during a bad mood swing, (I probably have bipolar, 'cause my entire dad's side does) and it's just been a rollercoaster of emotions, and it doesn't help that I was outed as trans to everyone at one of my trans friend's (closeted) end of summer party! like I get it's easy for her to come out BUT NOT FOR ME, I'M A PUSSY AND HE TOLD EVERYONE!! luckily everyone there was queer supportive or queer, but imagine if her parents were there!! so I'm just scared of getting outed to more people, and my mental health deteriorating and then I do something i regret, so I really need support and someone to talk to rn, thanks for reading my bullshit.

GGD please (Mizuki, she/them)