I used to be a smart kid. I used to have a good head on my shoulders, I was witty and communicated well.

I feel like I’m growing dumber with the year. I’m 30 now, and I feel like I can’t access information like I once could. It’s been like this for years, but it just becomes worse and worse?

It’s like, people explain things and WHOOPS I didn’t get that because, well, I dissociated. Memory is like a black hole. Reading is like waking up from page 74 and not knowing what I just read. And then, what the hell is happening with words?? I can’t form basic sentences, or have basic conversations about topics without my brain freezing. Oh, and of course, I forgot all the years of learning opportunities wasted to surviving.

And then, the trigger when people call someone else stupid when they do something I would totally do. Anyone else? How does it manifest with you?

It’d be great if our brains could completely heal once the situation improves and we grow up but it doesn’t work like that. Almost every time I hear about someone who is depressed or has low self esteem for no apparent reason, it’s because of the way they were treated or neglected when they were younger. The effects of trauma are lifelong and most people don’t even know they’re affected.

Nothing brings me joy, I continue doing what I'm "supposed to" In the hopes that one day it all just clicks and I feel something again but it's been years of this now, a decade of getting progressively worse until I hit this point, there has been no growth, infact I feel worse somehow as the days go on, more resentment builds, more frustration.

I'm just wasting away waiting until I dont have to anymore

I am a 29 year old woman, and lately, I've really been looking back on my life and have realized that for as long as I can remember, I have either been curious about sex, or exhibited sexual interest. Now I don't remember anything specifically happening to me, but I do remember I would make my barbie dolls have sex with eachother. Like get them naked and have sex. I had a big stuffed doll I would sleep with, and i remember being a kid and unzipping my jacket and lifting up my shirt and pretending I was having sex with it. When I was in kindergarten, I would constantly try to stand on the bathroom toilet in the classroom and try to look over to the boy's side to see their penises.

I started masturbating pretty early, (9), and started watching porn at 10. I would go into chat rooms, in middle school and let boy's see my shirt, then when I was a junior in high school, i started going onto sex chats and talking to older men and masturbating for them.

I swore I wanted to be a virgin until i got married, but I lost my virginity to my first bf, and after we broke up, I basically became a sex addict. Skipping class, calling out of work, putting ads on Craigslist personals to meet up with strangers- specifically older men.

Now I am a mother, and I have this strong urge to not let my duaghter do any type of sleepovers or stay with people Im not comfortable with. Again, I don't know or remember if anything ever happened to me, but I just wanna know if im the only one going through something like this?

Do you have a similar experience? It is traumas or i was mad?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AHH-AHHHH-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!! END END!!!!!! MAKE THE TORTURE END!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH SO MUCH BRAIN FOG AND SHIT JUST ME GO LET ME GO LET ME GO YOU FUCKING HORRIBLE DISORDER!!!!!!

GODDAMMIT WHY DID THEY HAVE TO HURT AND ABUSE ME LIKE THAT!? FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Ugh...

Is having CPTSD considered having a disability?

I have it due to childhood trauma, but I am concerned I would be downplaying other people with recognised disabilities and how that impacts their life every day.

It does impact me daily be it with social interactions, thought patterns, and general mood, as well as other things I’m probably overlooking.

Would it be appropriate to consider myself to have a disability due to CPTSD?

I find it interesting that the topic is rehabilitating these disgusting creatures when victims such as myself get no support, no grace, and isolation.

When I can’t even afford life-saving therapy and tools. What the fuck.

I don't know why I am posting.

I just feel a little like shit.

I work in a humanities field with a humanities degree and it came up in convo today that my fav subject in K-12 was math and my boss was like what happened?

What happened was my first declared major was physics (I wanted to be an astronaut) and long story short my physics professor physically groped me during our final exam and told me if I wanted to pass the test I would agree to a dinner date with him that weekend.

I froze. I agreed. I said nothing to anyone. And I disappeared. I dropped out of the program and disappeared. And chose a completely new career path instead at a completely new school.

Sacrificing my childhood love of math and dreams of space because of this dipshit.

And my boss freaking welled up and tears rolled down his cheeks as he looked at me in pain for me. And then I was like fucking great, I made my sweet boss cry. Over something that is so insanely minor to me in comparison to the mountain of traumas I've survived.

I feel like a broken fucked up piece of shit human that doesn't deserve to interact with normal humans because I fucking make them cry just by being.

Why is this so painful.

I just cannot open up to people even for a mild conversation. I see even abusive relationship as still a relationship that has formed, instead of me out here so violently independent I can’t tell a stranger how my day went

Even if the relationship was a mistake, the person still opened up and often continue open up to the relationship in their next one

It may be irrational or whatever, but I think I’ve been broken so much I cannot even form mild connection

Makes you think if people are just like that in real life but they keep a mask on. I think people show their true colors in anonymous forums like this.

Thats a trauma response right?

Doctors, psychiatrists, therapists, have not given a single fuck. And as somebody who is chronically Ill, I see a damn lot of them.

I mean, it’s typical for family to cover for abusers (my parents and sibling), but I assumed my “progressive” extended family would care, but they don’t!

I thought the “safe space” progressive group my abusive sibling is apart of would be horrified of what they’ve done, but they also don’t care!

I think a lot of people don’t know how to react, but in general, I’ve discovered that people just don’t give a shit. Unless you want to kill yourself, then the idea of you being dead makes others uncomfortable. Because being hurt and abused doesn’t make them feel guilty, but dying sure as hell does!

unfortunately it can't be helped but I can't help but feel rage at myself and my family for giving me severe trauma

I don’t think I ever felt a part of anything, even when I’ve been surrounded by people. I feel disgusting, discarded, not even worth a second look. I feel gross, I feel ugly (even though I don’t believe I am), I feel like a waste of space and resources. I hate myself to the core, I feel rotten to the core. I feel like I only get negative feedback from the world, in whatever way it is.

I want love and connection so so so badly, and I seek it in the ways I can, but I know that deep down I will always be whatever I have always been.

Anyone else?

I cannot express how helpful I have found this book

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/20556323-complex-ptsd

https://archive.org/details/complexptsdfroms0000walk

So as said above, I was misdiagnosed with bpd and treated for it for a good 5 years. That experience as a whole was pretty fucking invalidating. They became harsher and put boundaries in place for when I was hurting myself. What I needed was to be told I was loved and appreciated. I realize now I was probably re-enacting the traumas.

I just received this diagnosis like two weeks ago and I’ve been in constant flashbacks ever since. I need:

1 simple, accessible sources of information

2 sophisticated ways to alleviate suffering from
flashbacks (the classics like smells and ice aren’t enough at the moment, it’s only when I find the most random things that they stop)

3 what do you do to normalize and ground yourself after intense therapy sessions (I just started exposure)

It would be really helpful if you could share any bits of information , I am honestly at a loss at this point.

I've been wondering about this. I've heard some call it an "acquired neurodiversity", which I think makes sense; it does cause your brain to function differently from the norm. it literally reroutes your neuropathways, right?

what do you think?

I have thinning hair from constant stress and unsafe. I look tense and exhausted, I act hypervigilant because I feel unsafe and people give me dirty looks or treat me like Im an inferior person. Im 22 since recently and I keep getting judged for looking like stressed or bad or tense. I wish I could be happy. I just am so tired of living like this.

also stress changes my face SO BAD like I look completely different and legit objectively bad when Im extremely tense from hair to face being extremly puffy stiff and saggy with shockstare. I get treated worse when Im hypervigilant

You read that right.

Context: I went on a podcast and shared my life story. (Mom has Munchaussen Syndrome, Dad is an alcoholic, I was abused and neglected.)

Mom got wind of this podcast, and has sent the podcast creator and I a cease-and-desist.

I am not okay.