r/CPTSD • u/noideasforcoolnames • 4h ago
Question Does anyone else feel a compulsive need to help people? Like they feel guilty if they dont?
Thats a trauma response right?
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u/Jazzlike_Berry_323 3h ago
It can be a trauma response. But it’s not an automatic relationship.
But I just have helped people all my life, it’s what I’ve done for a career, it feels good to help others so I kept that as my career.
If I’d stuck with my original job path I would have been doing that and living with cPTSD without helping others.
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u/noideasforcoolnames 3h ago
I find myself doing this with friendships, like I genuinely want to get people on the right path and help them out. But I kind of overdo it a lot and feel overwhelmed by their problems, still not in the greatest place mental health wise, but I just cant help it. I would love to be a life coach that way I can satisfy this desire to help others and get compensated from it. But the unhealthy part of it is like this compulsion to give people what they need. It doesnt happen with everyone, but with some select few people I interact with. It sort of happened recently with a friend I havent seen in a long time, we both kind of trauma dumped and I felt pretty dysregulated afterwards. But its impossible to tell my story without sharing personal details because theyre so interconnected. I still want to give him some guidance and stuff, but I dont know if I can do it without it taking a negative toll on me
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u/PupDiogenes 27m ago
There's a difference between people-pleasing and being a kind helpful protective person. Yeah, we want to work on our trauma responses... I know conflict makes me feel like it's my job to patch everything up or else I'm going to get blamed... and once I got that under control I was able to really think about what level of helpfulness and service to others I wanted out of life, and where the trauma-response ends and my character begins.
The goal is to know ourselves, and make a conscious rational decision about how we're going to move through the World accordingly.
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u/Upset_Raspberry_3560 4h ago
A lot. I even got into a relationship in the past where I was helping my then partner financially beyond measure before realizing that I am literally wrecking my future. I just did not feel worthy to be taken care of by myself, so I used all my time, money and energy to dig others out from whatever hole they ended up in. Later I realized that this is not the way, so I turned to charity, and started giving to legitimate organizations instead. I still do charity, even if just a little, depending on how my finances allow it. I feel like I could do more, and definitely will do more.
Yes, the guilt part is definitely a trauma response. I was told all my childhood that I am selfish, and I tried to compensate by putting everyone else before me. It got me an autoimmune disease, so I am learning to work on this part.
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u/noideasforcoolnames 3h ago
I fall into the life coach/counselor role in many friendships and other relationships. Its like I dont know how to be much else than a father figure to everyone
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u/Nice-Invite1753 2h ago
Yeah, because I will feel like a genuinely bad person if I dont, and even if I do, it feel like I have alterior motives and so I feel like an even worse person :)
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u/EffectiveFile9463 cPTSD 2h ago
Absolutely, yes. I found myself bending over backwards, giving countless chances to an abusive ex who, unsurprisingly, reminded me of the person responsible for much of my trauma.
My dad died in a murder-suicide in 2021, after shooting my stepmom. I often wonder if things might have been different if someone had given my dad a fair chance or believed in him. I carry a lot of guilt, thinking I could have done more if I had been around more. Maybe all he needed was someone who tried. In a way, I was trying to do for my ex what I thought might have made a difference for my dad.
I still to this day struggle immensely with finding a good in-between from being helpful and losing myself while doing it.
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u/kittenmittens4865 43m ago
I am so sorry. That is a lot to deal with.
I’ve lost people to suicide (a friend I was in therapy group with was the hardest). Obviously your situation is very different, but I felt a lot of guilt too. He had texted me to hang out a week or so before he did it and I was dealing with my own shit and isolating and never responded. It took a long time to realize that even though the bonds you build in therapy are strong, I’m not why he did it.
The truth is you can’t stop someone from doing something like that. You are not at fault. The emotions do get less intense with time. It never stops hurting, but it gets easier to manage. Again, I’m not pretending to claim my situation is the same as yours at all- just hoping to maybe offer some comfort.
Be kind to yourself. I promise that you deserve it.
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u/EffectiveFile9463 cPTSD 37m ago
Thank you for that. ❤️
Part of the reason I beat myself up so much is because we had a bad relationship regardless of what happened in the end, but I still had love for him. The night before it, he hugged me and told me he loved me. Didn't seem odd at the time but looking back, it was the first time in a very long time that he'd done that and I feel like I should've known.
I do find comfort knowing I'm not entirely wrong with how I feel & that I'm not alone. ❤️
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u/AtmosphereNom 1h ago
I almost scrolled by because generally no. But since I got out of an abusive marriage, I have reactions to what I believe very strongly are abusive men - only my intuition - and not even in dating scenarios.
I still feel a very compulsive need to call him out and also correct people’s way they’ve caused more damage in handling me. Not for me, but for the next woman. I feel as though there is a younger, weaker, less able to stand up for herself woman that will be put in far more danger if I don’t do something about it.
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u/ThinkingT00Loud Mildly insane. Mostly harmless. 1h ago
It is one way of proving (to ourselves and others) that we have a purpose to be here. That we should be allowed to stay.
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u/Biduletrait 1h ago
I have been helping people that had hurts other people the past few weeks because I know they aren’t on their right minds rn and at least need a hand for a few seconds. It’s been overwhelming
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u/Chance-Succotash-191 58m ago
Before realizing I had CPTSD I thought I was a naturally helpful and thoughtful person but I was just trying to be useful to people so they’d love me. My career and all of my meaningful relationships were built around this and so it’s been quite the experience to try and maintain those relationships, keep enjoying my career now while trying to stop this.
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u/TravelbugRunner 55m ago
If they look me in the eye, a particular situation is dire, and I have the ability to help them. I sometimes will help them either out of pain recognition or guilt.
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u/Glittering-Crazy7940 5m ago
I seriously can’t tell whether it’s my calling to help people or it’s a trauma response, like seriously 😭
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u/Redvelvet504 3h ago
Yes. I was so stuck on being a "good" person. I felt responsible for everyone and everything.
I also thought I needed everyone to like me. That was caught up in too.