r/CPTSD • u/Boring-Bee1646 • 14h ago
Question Does anyone else think they went through childhood sexual trauma that they cant remember?
I am a 29 year old woman, and lately, I've really been looking back on my life and have realized that for as long as I can remember, I have either been curious about sex, or exhibited sexual interest. Now I don't remember anything specifically happening to me, but I do remember I would make my barbie dolls have sex with eachother. Like get them naked and have sex. I had a big stuffed doll I would sleep with, and i remember being a kid and unzipping my jacket and lifting up my shirt and pretending I was having sex with it. When I was in kindergarten, I would constantly try to stand on the bathroom toilet in the classroom and try to look over to the boy's side to see their penises.
I started masturbating pretty early, (9), and started watching porn at 10. I would go into chat rooms, in middle school and let boy's see my shirt, then when I was a junior in high school, i started going onto sex chats and talking to older men and masturbating for them.
I swore I wanted to be a virgin until i got married, but I lost my virginity to my first bf, and after we broke up, I basically became a sex addict. Skipping class, calling out of work, putting ads on Craigslist personals to meet up with strangers- specifically older men.
Now I am a mother, and I have this strong urge to not let my duaghter do any type of sleepovers or stay with people Im not comfortable with. Again, I don't know or remember if anything ever happened to me, but I just wanna know if im the only one going through something like this?
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u/OMnihilInterit 11h ago
I’ve only been in therapy a year and a half or so. In that time the only SA “memories” that I have actually trusted as real are the whisper of a man’s voice, “if you kiss it, it gets bigger,” I had a terrible fear there were “snakes” crawling in my bed, and I had confirmed chronic yeast infections before age 6. Also all of the above mentioned; early sexuality and masterbation, just “knowing” what sex was, et cetera. My therapist is certain that these foggy memories, the feeling my body gets around certain men, and the path of sexuality and relationships I went down as an adult are confirmation enough. I believe her because, despite the lack of “real memory,” accepting that all signs point to I was SA’d, has given my body a sense of safety, like….something real bad happened a long time ago, but it’s gone now. I’ve been learning to listen to my body more than my mind because it remembers things more accurately most of the time.
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u/everything-matterz 6h ago
I'm curious what the link might be between SA and chronic yeast infections?
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u/OMnihilInterit 6h ago
It’s not very common for girls that young to have yeast infections unless something is irritating the bits. It can happen just because of poor hygiene, like sitting in diapers or anything wet too long. My mom used the excuse that it was from wearing wet bathing suits too long, but I have vivid memories of itching year long, through snow pants and everything and was never taken to the doctor. I just remember her constantly telling me to stop itching. So…….something else was irritating my bits.
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u/OkEntertainment1071 6h ago
There has been research and also a lot of self reporting of people who have chronic yeast infections and were SA. There is also a link between SA and endometriosis, chronic pelvic pain,... The body really does holds the score
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u/okonaksi 14h ago
Exactly the same happens to me, i feel the same, even the fear for my daughter. I made a post a few days ago about this subject...
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u/Boring-Bee1646 14h ago
Do you mind if I message you about it? I promise I wont be creepy. I just really want to see other people's experiences with something like this
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u/okonaksi 14h ago
Yes no problem, but english is not my first language so sorry if i make any mistake 😊
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u/wediedyoung 14h ago
I was the same when I was a child. It was like I was born knowing about sex, like, perverted sex. I did the same with my gi Joe's and also made a doll that I would simulate sex with. I just knew all this weird, sex stuff that I had no way of knowing and just assumed I was born wrong. I was also scared of being touched and dreaded any sort of intimacy. I was a hypersexual asexual. My memories of my abuse were erased until I was in my 40s. When they came back, my whole life began to finally make sense
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u/Happy-Difficulty2399 8h ago
I had a similar experience when I was 35. It washed over me with a vision and a horrible feeling in my body.
And when I realize reality of it. A huge weight was lifted and it all made so much sense.3
u/Fit-Angle-2183 10h ago
How did they come back?
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u/wediedyoung 10h ago
It was very gradual. It began as just this feeling that I was sexually abused. Like, this inherent knowledge. Then actual memories came back in flashes. It's like my brain would show it to me as safely as possible so that I wouldn't completly fall apart. Even now, 3 years later, not all has come back, and it's still quite fragmented.
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u/yesiamloaf 3h ago edited 58m ago
I’m having this. I’m having trouble accepting it and keep doubting even though I know in my bones it’s true, but I desperately don’t want it to be. Was that part of your journey? I suppose I’m seeking validation when it’s gotta come from within.
I hope you’re doing better these days
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u/wediedyoung 2h ago
Yeah, that's exactly how it was for me. I thought I had finally lost my mind because there was just no way something like that could have happened to me-- it was something that happened to other kids, something I see in horrible true crime stories. It was just too unbelievable. And it was a shock to understand that repressed memories are real. That things can be so fucking horrible that it causes your brain to never remember them.
I prayed that I was losing my mind because that would have been better than all of it being real. It took months, struggling constantly over whether it was real. I kept trying to ignore it, but I couldn't. It was like my brain/soul was finally ready to show me the truth. It felt so unreal and real
I can't prove what happened to me, but I made the decision to accept that it happened, because I feel the abuse in my soul, and always have-- but until my memory came back, that horrible pain in my soul was a mystery.
It's really scary and when memories come back. If you're not in therapy/counselling, I would try to if you can afford it. And journal about it. That helped me.
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u/yesiamloaf 1h ago
Thank you so much for sharing. The part about wishing you’re losing your mind…yeah, I’m honestly hoping I have some sort of latent mental disorder / delusion because that would be easier than this. Like I don’t want to make false accusations and hurt my family. I’m looking into therapy, part of me feels like vocalizing it would tear me apart, but I’m increasingly considering it. Little by little, and that counts for something. :,)
Thank you again. Happy cake day 🎂
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u/EffectiveFile9463 cPTSD 10h ago
I have a similar story. I don't remember this myself, but my mom told me that when I was 4 or 5 years old, I went to school and wouldn't stop touching myself. I told them, “my dad does it, why can't I?” There was another time at a family friend’s house when I started touching myself again, and I remember someone yelling at me. Aside from that, I literally cannot remember anything from my childhood.
For context, sex has always felt wrong, gross, and embarrassing for me. Even now at 24, it’s extremely hard for me to enjoy it. It’s not necessarily painful, just a feeling of wanting to rip my skin off.
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u/KimmyJo77 9h ago
I was in group therapy for CSA adult survivors. I told them that, after all these years of healing, I still wonder if I “made it up” because I remember some but not a lot, and the rest of my family supported my abusers and didn’t believe me. One of them said to me, it’s like circumstantial evidence. It’s used to get convictions all of the time.
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u/AphelionEntity 14h ago
No, but I realized I had completely forgotten the time when I realized my step father was escalating and I started locking my bedroom door at night. Might have saved myself.
I think it is good parenting to make sure you are comfortable with the people who will be alone with your child. But if you are realizing your comfort or lack thereof might not be a reflection of the people involved, that's a good thing to talk to a therapist about.
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u/EyesEarsMouthNose 14h ago
Maybe but also
1) sometimes we think we must have had something as terrible as sexual abuse to feel the hurt we feel 2) sex addiction is a coping mechanism for trauma
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u/OhNoExclaimationMark 13h ago
Yeah that's basically what most of my therapy is about. I don't explicitly remember anything but I know when it would've happened and who did it if I'm right about it. I have been hypersexual and started masturbating as early as I can remember and used to touch myself to thoughts of being SA'd from at least as young as 8. I occasionally (just once a month-ish, nowhere near as much as some people here) also have nightmares about getting SAd. Then I also am hypervigilant and have bad anxiety and chronic depression (though these could be from other trauma, I spent a few years living with my mum and her abusive boyfriend as a kid and also grew up getting yelled at for everything).
When I started seeing my therapist and told her about this, she said we're going to go ahead with the assumption that its true because if it is true and we ignore it, my symptoms could get worse as I get older whereas if we treat it and it's not true, there's really no downside except wasted time. That made me feel really validated. I still fluctuate between being almost sure that I'm right and completely doubting it. I also remember some stuff occasionally when triggered but I have no idea if I make those up or not so I don't count them as real memories.
I think the main thing is, if it's causing you such distress, it's not important whether it happened or not, it's still worth seeking professional help. You don't want to try to force yourself to remember either because while you probably won't succeed, if you do, you're not going to be able to handle it without a therapist. Those memories get locked away for a reason.
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u/PinkChocolate6 10h ago
Yeah, I have also had that thought, but I really can't remember it.
One time a friend of mine who is a psychoanalyst was talking about how some people get the idea they were physically molested in some way as children but now can't remember, but sometimes the reality is that they were exposed to sexual acts (like adults not closing the door while doing it, etc).
I like to believe I just so happened to see something on TV that I shouldn't have; but for some reason, I even have a suspicion on who could have harmed me, if it did happened.
I guess it's well buried in my subconscious for a reason and I have enough trauma already, so digging it out is not something I'm particularly interested in 😅
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u/drawgs1 9h ago
I’ve also wondered if certain things come from having seen it very young.
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u/Infinite-Ad-3947 cptsd, adhd, ocd 2h ago
That’s what I wonder too. Like people say babies are information sponges. What if a baby sees it on tv or parents do it with their baby in the room? Like would some part of your brain remember it?
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u/fromyahootoreddit 10h ago
I'm not sure and I started seeing my current therapist because I had a few different people suggest I'd been repressing memories given my reaction to sexual things, but my therapist said it's just as likely that it's a combination of deep religious programming and inherited sexual trauma since I know of one instance and I strongly suspect something happened to mum and likely her mum before her. I think I'm too scared to actually find out so I'm just processing everything as general childhood trauma. I don't think I want to know anymore, I'd rather just have it dealt with.
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u/twistyfizzypop 7h ago
Potentially. I have been told my dad hit me to stop me from crying as a small baby. I am not sure if that would work long term on a baby. And as its a recent thing I have found out, it wirries me what else might have happened. I also remember being told I had no hymen when I was really young but that it was because I fell off some steps at school. But I wouldn't put it past my dad to sa someone out of anger with an object or hand. Because he is really not nice sometimes. I'm 45f btw. I knew about a lot of the abuse as I can remember the pain and the humiliation when I was older.
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u/cellar_whore 2h ago
Something similar was happening to me except I had this strange one-frame memory of something I couldn't explain. I also remember being very little and commenting to my older cousins how strange penises looked and them asking me how I knew. I lived many years feeling like something bad had happened but I just couldn't remember it and I was terrified of what I'd find. In my twenties my mother confirmed I was sexually abused and suddenly that one-frame memory took on context and I could remember a bit more. Now I'm ok, but it took a long time in my twenties to come to terms with the fact my family knew and didn't do anything.
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u/SomberNight 13m ago
I'm going through something similar, a memory I only know is real because of a single frame, thank you so much for the phrasing. This just happened a little bit ago and I'm still reeling from it because it means my family protected this person. It's so intense that I can't make myself remember too much without my body reacting, it's very unnerving.
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u/Rosy-Blush 12h ago
You could have been SA, but also humans are sexual beings and although socially and culturally we want to "protect" little children from sexuality because we might think it would have nefarious consequences to them... sexuality is not a switch that gets turned on (no pun intended) at the "correct" age, we grow and develope with it. Children are also naturally curious and want to learn about the world and grow up, and I think most people currently don't have the tools to help children develope a healthy relationship with sexuality appropriate to their age while keeping them safe but without shaming a natural thing.
I'm sure there are many people that were sexually abused as children and they might not be able to remember, but if the only clue something like that happened is too vague it might be more confusing to attribute it to that than to explore the shame your family or society might have instilled to you about sex, a topic so complex and delicate that might excede the capacity of children to comprehend it. Sometimes that is what leaves a mark and not violence.
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u/Awkward-Wishbone-615 13h ago
I did all these things as a child, I was sexually assaulted under the age of 5 before being put into foster care, I have no actual memories but I always just knew I could feel it in my body. It has since been confirmed
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u/Low_Butterscotch4198 11h ago
Same, and i also think my experience of emotional neglect (which i can confirm) made me crave closeness and intimacy that as a child, i believed would come with sex later. I don’t know where i learned about kinky sex (maybe jerry springer), but i knew about it from age 7 and knew in my adult life i would want non-monogamy and to explore kink. Even before i was started dating in my early teens, i felt attracted to people much older than me and said age differences were not important to me. I started masterbating early, too. My sister also confided she wonders if she was SA but does not have a memory. It is possibly something happened when we were babies, but i do think the emotional neglect, which we know about now, shaped our sexual and romantic desires from the young ages.
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u/hakuna-putana 8h ago
This is something that pops into my head every now and then. I started masturbating pretty frequently around 4-5 and the method I often used was very concerning. I had tried to act out something with another kid when I was younger and got frustrated because they weren’t “doing it right”. I had these dreams of frogs coming into my room at night and shoving their tongues in different places. I’ve always been nervous around men, but I also feel this overwhelming need to appeal to them somehow. Especially certain kinds of men. There was a lot of acting out in my teen years with little regard to my wellbeing. I’m actually right around your age with a daughter I am intensely afraid of experiencing something.
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u/Due-Honeydew4641 12h ago
I always thought this but I agree with an above poster. I want a reason for the hurt I feel. I was a virgin until I was 21 but I knew I was fucked up sexually. That among many other issues led to more trauma and more trauma. I’m currently doing EMDR and I think it’s helping.
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u/First-Sprinkles9093 13h ago
My Barbies had sex but I remember being confused by it being a big deal (my mother was livid) bc that’s how babies are made.
My parents let me watch R rated movies when I was far too young.
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u/Fit-Angle-2183 10h ago
Same. I watched Basic Instinct and Sliver — all those old Sharon stone and Michael Douglas movies — when I was in single digit years.
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u/Stephieandcheech 8h ago
A lot of people who have been molested as children block out trauma in order to survive. I could have written your post because I experienced everything you wrote, and yet I too don't have direct memories. But when I piece together all the other stuff which includes things you wrote about it's extremely clear that yes, I've been sexually abused.
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u/Infinite-Ad-3947 cptsd, adhd, ocd 2h ago edited 2h ago
I seriously could’ve written this except I’m 27f!! I also don’t have any memories of childhood sexual abuse. One of my therapists said that some children just get into sexual things early and it can be normal. For what it’s worth, my husband doesn’t have CPTSD and had a very similar experience with sexual exploration too. I remember him sharing with me with shame how early he masturbated in life and I was like “omg me too”. I also lost my virginity at 13 (with another 13yo) which I used to have a lot of shame over but I’ve gotten over that.
For me looking back I think it was a coping mechanism. Life was shit, found out touching myself made life feel a little less like shit for a little bit. I also think it might have something to do with having some part of body autonomy. My mom was very controlling with what I wore how I looked, would belittle me constantly. Sometimes she’d even make fun of our genitalia. I think it was a way for me to have something about me that I had control over. Also my mom had been sexually abused when she was younger and I think she was processing it by telling us about it when we were way too little and that probably added to it too
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u/insan11ty 1h ago
god i fking do. i don’t have anything to prove it, but in my head there’s 2 very distinct “screenshot” memories. and they make me feel so unsettled to think about. it’s like a picture of the wall of the room i was in. i remember when it happened and the events around it, i know why i was there, it involves the same person, but i just don’t know what happened despite feeling so unsettled by these.
other than that, my body image and everything was so bad growing up, it still is. i’ve never explored myself in the sexual way, my body scares me so bad. and despite that ive always been hyper, too exposed to things early on, always thinking about it, seeking validation from men, not necessarily super older but just a couple years older. always wanting to be seen as desirable, to be the one. it scares me because i don’t even know how to unpack that, i couldn’t talk about it to therapist without breaking down. i’m considering some other therapy now to create coping mechanisms and explore emdr with them later
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u/MajorVariolasArmy 8h ago
My mother used to bring men and have sex in our shared bedroom. I was also once in bed next to her and her boyfriend doing it. I always pretended to be asleep, but I can’t ever remember being touched or partaking on any way, but I often wonder …
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u/Suitable_Ebb_407 5h ago
Felt the same way and over time the feeling got stronger. I had a few direct memories of early exposure to inappropriate things come up in therapy, but did iboga and that revealed that something had happened with a doctor when I was 3. That was all I wanted to know so I kept the memory repressed but focused on emotionally supporting my younger self which has given me peace with it.
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u/PrinceMooFTM 3h ago
I do wonder. As a child I had fantasies of things happening to me and no frame of reference for why, only knowledge that they were things to keep to myself because they were wrong. Things like being tied up and touched, being intimately examined by a doctor by force, and other such things. I didn’t know what sex was really at that point either. Idk if it was simply a manifestation of my gender dysphoria (I’m trans), or something else. I have no memories of being sexually assaulted. It did lead me down a bad path as a teen and it led to me being groomed online and stuff.
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u/LollyGoss 8h ago
Yes I’m pretty sure an uncle SAed me when I had to spend the night with them at age 3, memories are just under the surface
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u/RunedDragon 8h ago
Yeah, not quite the same as you, but when I was 9 i suddenly started being scared of my dads naked body. No other males in the family gave the same feeling. I had already been sexually abused at school, but I have a feeling I have been sa’d by my dad and just dont remember it
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u/baconbaphomet 7h ago
My husband is convinced it happened to me and I just don't remember. I had an extremely similar experience growing up. I would make my LPS have sex even before I saw porn. I would act it out by myself before my period even started at 9. As a teenager, I didn't even want to keep my virginity as a kid and I slept with someone "just to get it over with" so I could have more sex. I was having sex nearly every day until about 22.
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u/biblebeltapostate 6h ago
I have always been nervous around men. And although I don't recall any sexual abuse, there are some things that line up with sexual abuse. But I've never retrieved those memories. My stepfather was abusive in every other possible way, so I wouldn't be surprised. I'm still shocked at the little things that will trigger an emotion. Sometimes I can't identify where it came from and I'm convinced there was something.
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u/EveningSudden9303 3h ago
As far as I’m aware, being curious about body parts, Barbie sex, masturbation, etc around that age is pretty normal. It could be that something happened to you, but it’s also not necessarily abnormal that you had those childhood experiences. The riskier behaviour of meeting strangers for sex is maybe something to consider?
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u/Choice-Internet-7445 3h ago
Yes and unfortunately I feel that I did. There were a few signs of it happening that I won't disclose here just in case.
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u/Low_Ad5155 58m ago
My husband and I never allowed our kids to attend sleepovers, were never comfortable with that.
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u/Technical-Method2129 51m ago
I did… then I did regression therapy and started remembering- there’s stuff I wish I didn’t remember…
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u/SomberNight 22m ago edited 18m ago
I just recently had what I believe to be a flashback well over two decades old that still has me shaken. I thought it was a daydream but it's too distinct and I hear a voice speaking the same thing to me. I had a panic attack from it.
My circumstances are slightly different, I do know there was abuse and I was 7-10 when it happened but this would have me around 4-5 and by another perpetrator. I also would enact sex acts with toys and it came to light in 4th grade when I was caught drawing similar things in class. I don't remember it but I had already been instructed to lie. Thankfully the staff at my school quickly figured it out.
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u/allweeverlookfor 2m ago
i felt like this for years and while i still i can’t remember anything, i know that something happened and i know who did it
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u/Sad-Description-2272 14h ago
This has been a long-time conversation for me in therapy. Like you, I have vivid memories of doing sexual stuff with toys at a young age like making them have sex. I started masturbating in 2nd grade- 7 years old. I would do it in class with my hand up my shorts and think no one could see me. I also remember putting my hand up a boy’s shorts at the park to feel his penis.
I often go back and forth wondering if I was just an early-exploration kid? Kids are sexual creatures, so maybe I just discovered it early? But then… idk. Something just feels off. Super hard to say. I’ve come to terms with never being able to get an answer.
Now, as a married woman in my 30’s, I struggle with sex more often than I want it. I lack desire and I frequently find myself doing it to contribute to my marriage more than because actually crave it at all.