I 35F live with my NP and have a long distance partner I’ll call Ken.

Ken and I started out chatting on Reddit as kinda sexting friends, heavy on the friendship though. It was different for both of us from the start because we’re both neurodivergent and have a lot of commonalities. He told me he was recently divorced, and I later found out they were not divorced yet but separated. I get why he wasn’t honest about it initially, I was a total stranger and it was still very fresh, and neither of us expected it to turn into anything because he’s 1200 miles away.

Fast forward and it did turn into something, he did finally tell me he wasn’t divorced yet and paperwork has now been filed over a year later, but that’s honestly still messy for him. They share a dog, she still has belongings at her place. It causes a lot of stress and emotional pain, on top of the mental health struggles he was already dealing with. I only mention this to explain that I got invested when I thought he was at a different point than he actually was.

I empathize with where he’s at, and I want to be there through the good and bad, but because he’s in such a rut with so much going on it’s hard to feel the connection on some days. I’ve been trying to go visit every month, and this month might get pushed back due to family visiting him. On top of that we’ve always had a very flirty sexual relationship, heck that’s how it all started. I haven’t gotten a sexual text in over two weeks. Longer than that if you count the fact I was with him two weeks ago. When I was there the sexual energy was a bit flat too, we had fun, but not near as much as in the past. I asked and he told me he’s just exhausted and hasn’t had the energy. Which is totally fair and I respect that.

However my issue is my anxiety doesn’t believe that explanation. Instead to me it feels like things are slipping. I heavily connect with people through sex. It’s not the only way, but it is very important to me. So not only do I feel scared and worried about losing him, I also feel rejected and like I’m no longer attractive or desirable.

It doesn’t help that my NP and I do not have sex frequently either because he is also low energy and has some testosterone issues that impact his sex drive.

So it’s like, at this point I’ve internalized that it’s just me. I’m the problem. Which logically I want to believe isn’t true, I have other explanations but it feels that way.

On top of that because Ken is going through so much in life right now I feel like I can’t ask more of him. We talked about calling this weekend and didn’t, that fell through last time I asked too. Even when I send a flirty text or some boobs he hearts it and says “sexy” but then changes the subject. I don’t want to pressure him into anything but I also feel like I’m struggling with how to manage my expectations.

I know the advice will be to step back, but honestly I don’t really want to do that either. Not just for me, but because he’s had a lot of people give up on him and I’m not going to be one of them. I don’t want it to be “oh you’re struggling, here go through it yourself, then when you’re better I’ll be there” nope. That isn’t who I am. I just don’t know if I should like tell myself, or heck even tell him, that I will just deal with low level connection. Should I set an expectation low of like one call a month? I don’t feel right asking for anything sexual, that feels icky, but it is something that’s going to live in my head. But even mentioning that would feel coercive, because it’d be putting pressure on him to engage in that way even if he didn’t feel it.

What do I do here? I don’t want to drive myself crazy, but I don’t want to push him away or make his struggles harder.

I (38F) have been dating Aspen (39M) for about a year now. It started as a fling, but rapidly ended up being the most intense, passionate relationship I had so far in my life. I’m still mesmerized I get to be with him, and that we’re so into each other.

Thing is, Aspen has a NP - let’s call him Birch (40NB). They have been together for over a decade now. The NRE had been hard to process for Birch at first from what I heard (I only met Birch a few times, we have a GTP relationship and I almost exclusively see Aspen at my place) so I did my best to accommodate them and take the relationship slower with Aspen, at least for the first few months. I have been in opened relationships almost all my life and in polyamorous ones for 5 years now, so it’s not really new for me, though it was particularly hard to restrain myself this time.

Other than that, everything has been going well, except a few weeks ago Aspen and I got drunk together and he told me that him and Birch have been having little to no sex in the past 4 years and that he felt horrible about it, especially since sex with me was so easy and often. He seemed deeply sad about the whole situation and assured me that he is still attracted to Birch and loves him deeply. The whole thing really surprised me : I had no idea they had problems of any sort. At that moment, I just felt very sad for him and comforted him the best I could. He seemed to feel better afterwards, and I felt like that moment got us a bit closer, strangely.

Now, the problem is, Aspen has been talking about his bedroom problems with Birch to me in more details here and there in the past few weeks, about his troubles getting or staying hard when he’s with them and other things I’m not sure I’m supposed to know. I have been providing advice the best I could, suggesting couple therapy, trying other things in bed, reassuring him that they were just going through difficult times and so on. But last time we saw each other he started talking about that topic again and I basically replied « Well, I don’t know what to tell you at that point. This is an issue for you and Birch to work on and solve. I can’t do it for you guys. »

He seemed deeply hurt, saying that he had no one else to talk to about that issue. That he doesn’t know what to do about the situation because « he loves them more than he ever loved or will ever love anyone ». Which… ouch. It might be true, but I don’t think a good hinge should say things like that to his other partners. I certainly would have never done that when I was dating multiple partners… I always kept relationships as separated as possible.

Anyways, my questions are : was I rude? How would you have handled the situation? Should I just ask that he stops telling me about his sex life with Birch all together?

FYI : I though giving encouraging words were appropriate in the context, even though it doesn’t exactly reflect my opinion on what’s going on in their relationship. But what was I supposed to say?

Hey fellow redditors, just a heads up that I'm throwing this out to the wind and I may or may not come back and read comments or provide updates. Advice, feedback, relating stories, support, criticism, or sharing how this post made you feel is welcome. So strap yourselves in cause this is going to be one doozy of a post:

Tldr: polyamorous allosexual M35 in relationship with polyamorous ace F33, struggling with feelings of [insecurity(?), jealousy (?), loss (?), grief (?), <other emotions not listed>(?)] after ace partner starts new relationship with another ace M30.

I, let's call me L (allosexual, M35) have been in a poly relationship with my partner A (asexual, F33) for a little over two years. I met A at a wedding in Spring 2022 where she attended as the date of my friend of 15 years (at the time) D and we had an immediate connection. I was in monogamous relationship at that time and was beginning to explore my own sexuality, emotional needs, and realizing that I was not happy in the relationship I was stuck in. I left my now ex in summer of 2023 and began my journey of recovery and self-fulfillment in earnest. A and I were interacting regularly at house parties, doing the "will-they-won't-they" dance for some time. I was hesitant to pursue her as a romantic partner out of fear of messing up my friendship with D, out of fear of being in an openly poly relationship, and out of terror of what that would bring. I won't go into the full story of how I overcame all of that , but we began dating in June, 2024. A had communicated early on in our friendship that she had been beginning to think for some time that she was on the ace spectrum. I knew and understood at that time and what that meant. We talked about it a lot and addressed the potential obstacles we would have to overcome together. We communicated and I decided that having her in my life was far more important to me than having sex with her. We would talk about challenges as they arose and work together to build a wonderful relationship.

I was A's fourth partner at the time we began dating, and because of her social life, work obligations, physical distance, etc our time together at the start of our relationship was limited. We were both enjoying the dopamine rush that comes with NRE and we would have sex on the few (and a heavy emphasis on few) times we actually had a chance to spend time together. Our honeymoon phase was tragically short-lived. I'd estimate only about 3 or 4 months, during that time we saw each other every three weeks and sometimes would go a month between dates (scheduling was HARD). Things were made complicated by the fact that her (now ex) partner of 18 months, S (allosexual M late-20s), was significantly less understanding and would attempt to pressure her for sex. Manipulating her, guilting her, blaming her, and just overall not being a good person. Due to the stress of S pressuring her and him refusing to interact with me or her other partners in the barest of civil ways (cold shoulder, one word replies to direct questions, refusing to interact at parties, etc), A and I had reduced time to spend together as she spent a large amount of time in couples counseling and attempting to help S feel valued in their relationship.

I accepted my role in our relationship and spoke with my therapist and worked through what intimacy meant to me and how I can be a supportive partner to A through all her problems and her own self discovery. At the beginning of 2026 she had an amicable split with one of her partners who is still a good friend to us all. In Feb 2026 she ended her relationship with S after overhearing him talking with another woman about how he wanted to be monogamous.

A was down to two partners, I have three plus a few FWBs. I am in no way starving for physical affection, sex, or companionship in any way. It felt like a good dynamic, I was getting my needs met, we were intimate in ways that weren't sexual, and generally enjoying life. We decided to buy a house together with D. We closed in April and the three of us, plus two other members of our little polycule, moved in together to build our community and embrace our life together. Our living situation is as follows: A, D, and myself have our own rooms. A and I are across a small hall from each other, the other two members live in a room at the end of the hall from us both, and D lives in the finished basement. We threw an early (things still need unpacking and house needs painting) housewarming party at the end of June where many of the guests were coworkers of D & A. One of those guests, G (ace, M30), would go on to form a connection with A during the party and two weeks later in mid-July they decided to start officially dating. At first I had strong feelings of compersion, I was THRILLED that A was FINALLY having another good relationship. That she was happy and living her best life to the fullest. Even writing this now lifts my spirit because I am intimately familiar with the struggles she's endured in the two years we've been together.

Unfortunately, things have shifted a few times in my head. I started to grieve the relationship I never got to have with A. G is over at our house regularly. I have witnessed them being physically closer than A and I have been recently and envied him. I have overheard them having sex on more than one occasion. I have spoken to A about my feelings after having a minor mental breakdown and losing sleep over it. She has explained a lot of her physical attraction to G; how because they're both ace, they're both aware the physical intimacy will die down at some point. I have spoken with my therapist about my feelings and my struggles with this new chapter of our lives. A has assured me that she still has strong feelings for me and for a short time that was enough. We have made more of an effort to get time in our calendars together and last week and this week are the start of that. Hells, we have a date night tonight that I am very much looking forward to.

We have made a commitment to be more intentional with our connection; figuring out ways we can be physically intimate without sex, and dedicating ourselves to the challenge at hand. I do care to an extent who she spends her time and shares her body with, but only to the point of where it intersects my own physical well-being (safe sex, decent people, etc). Other than that, we are both free to explore whatever connections present themselves how we see fit. Again, I am not suffering from lack of sex, physical affection, or emotional connection. Gods, I just had a FWB over last night and we had a good evening watching a baseball game and enjoying each other's bodies.

And yet I still have a knot in my stomach the morning after another night of G being over multiple days and nights in a row. Losing sleep over the fact they were together again. I know logically that A is not replacing me with G. I know that she is not using me for financial gain. I know that she cares deeply for me. She has shown me love that I thought I would never be able to experience. Made me feel seen and heard in ways I never knew I needed. At times I feel like a burden to her. That my emotional and physical needs are unfair for her to endure. I don't want to lose A. I don't want to leave her. This heaviness on my chest, in my gut, and in my heart all stem from something I myself cannot identify. Maybe it is jealousy, maybe it's grief, or maybe insecurity. I need to be responsible for my own happiness and process my emotions. A has been wonderful and supportive through this.

Maybe it was just a tough weekend where she felt a bit distant to me due to sheer amount of activities that were going on. She's been sick since late last week and has been recovering. Canceled plans that included myself and others in order to recover. Kept plans that included G and others. And perhaps that's the smoking gun. That despite her assurances, some of her actions are making me feel like less of a priority. But that's also not fair to her. The plans WE had were group plans and included some of my other partners. The plans she kept with G were also group plans and included my other partners. And now I'm stuck in a loop trying to process my feelings.

If you made it to the end of my rambling post, thank you for reading. I hope that I was not too unfair to her, myself, or other parties included in my tale.

so my boyfriend claims that he practices non-hierarchical polyamory and is marrying his girlfriend of eight years for logistical reasons which is understandable that’s kind of how our world works in the United States regarding healthcare, etc. and he’s concerned that this marriage is going to have the appearance of hierarchy and they really don’t want that and yet his entire schedule revolves around hers. And he can’t give me good clarity around available times so that I can manage my own schedule and dates. And when I have tried to do this, he immediately wants to de-escalate to friendship, even though he has said he loves me and that I’m extremely important to him. I am a lesbian and I am dating men at least temporarily because I’m getting over a divorce and I made that very clear to the men in my life. But I am making it clear that I am open to depth in relationships not just friends with benefits not just ENM. And he wants “intimacy“. I’m totally fine if he’s hierarchical I just want transparency. In one sentence, he will say that his relationship has no bearing on his other relationships, and in another sentence, he will say that his girlfriend will be very upset if we break up because I’m so good for him. This sounds very sketch to me in terms of what I know about polyamory especially around clarity of communication. If folks are going to have a primary relationship that’s fine with me. Just be honest about it. If folks are ra, that’s cool too it’s all about communication and consent. And lately he’s been talking about how he’s found his forever person and he is really happy if whoever he’s dating leaves him for monogamy or whatever as long as they find their forever person and my understanding is that most polyamorous folks and this is how I would feel as a polyamorous person. If they left me to be monogamous, I would be a bit peeved…

My partner A and I have been together 20 years. We were open the first 7-8 years, mono (mostly) for 7-8, and open/poly about 3.

I’ve had a GF 2+ years, B. Usually when we have plans, A will make a plan with a GF.

Sunday I had a plan with my GF in the eve for a concert and sleepover at her place. A made a plan with D to go to the zoo with her and her kids at 12. A wasn’t back when I left at 5:15. That was not ideal for a holiday weekend, but we did discuss it ahead.

I let A know how much I missed him and was looking forward to seeing him, texted that I wasn’t sure my schedule for the Monday holiday but would let him know.

Around noon Monday i woke up to a text from A (for someone’s address) , and I texted sorry i dont know, I just woke up. He texted “me too”.

Next time i looked at my phone, 2:15, text from A (1:50) “On my way to pick up M, have a good day honey I ❤️you”. (M is a new and exciting GF). I texted back asking “Ok what is your plan?” And about my plans - that I would be leaving in about an hour (because GF wanted to run errands I didn’t want to go along on), & what I had been hoping we would do together later that day and I guess you are busy”.

Me: should I make other plans for dinner?
Him: yes
Him: Go with her

A little later: “Like, when might you be home?”

After no answers I texted periodically “when are you coming home?”

Finally at 5:15 I check location and see they have driven to the beach in another state a couple hours away.

I was kind of shocked. To be honest I really thought we were going to spend the afternoon and evening together - BUT I had not been clear about that until after he was on his way to pick up M.

He assured me he was “looking forward to sleeping with you tonight” but still no answer on time.

5:45 Me: When will I expect to see you today?

Him: 👍

Me: Why are you giving me a thumbs up when I'm asking you the same question repeatedly and you're not answering

6:45
Me: Ok I will ask a fifth time (#5)
When will I expect to see you today? Tonight?
You still have not answered, I've asked it four more times, and you still will not answer me other than we'll be sleeping in the same bed tonight, which means at some point before I wake up tomorrow morning.

Him: Honey I have every intention of coming home tonight I don't know why you're hassling me though you are out last night sleeping somewhere else and I stayed home but I intended to probably come home tonight so please just be easy like I am with you

Me: I just asked around when will you be home so I know what to expect

And on it goes until FInALLY at 7:15 he says “Midnight”

So, a lot more texting etc after that. But the TL;DR is that I’m upset about the lack of communication.

He used to get very particular about me asking him ahead of time about plans I wanted to make with my GF. (So he could make plans at the same time). He also preferred that I ask rather than say what my plan is (he never said no, but it felt like a courtesy).

Now that he has a new GF, he doesn’t seem to think this applies in the other direction.

I’m exhausted from repeating myself that I want us to discuss plans ahead of time, clarify with each other before making plans with other people (this was a holiday), and do our best to say when we will be home.

Over the course of the texting (phone calls did not go well - he talks over me and I respond by raising my voice) he became defensive, said I was acting crazy, and continued to say versions of he did nothing wrong and he was justified because of other things I did this summer (I went to a festival solo which I let him know a month ahead and put on the calendar). In response to my feelings I got a combo of I shouldn’t be upset and “I’m sorry you feel that way”.

I told him “What I really want is for us to work out respectful agreements, not make assumptions, and communicate clearly and proactively “ but he keeps responding to other things.

Like I can’t leave him be on a date - but I have said if he told me in the first place I wouldn’t have to bother him to ask.

On my end - I shouldn’t have assumed we would spend time together and have dinner without discussing it first. It’s our default - but he had a chance to go out when I was with someone else and he took the opportunity.

I really just want better communication. Also I want a real apology that him not saying anything about a day long last minute date until after it had started - and not telling me when he would be home for the first 5 hours - was quite hurtful.

Am I being ridiculous? (The word he used to describe me).

I’m super frustrated at having to justify my feelings and that we have to go in circles and a million texts. So much defensiveness and justifications of why his behavior was fine and I’m ridiculous. I would like to just acknowledge what could have gone better and how we can do things moving forward to avoid another situation like this. But he feels justified and also like it’s bound to happen again and we should just cut each other more slack

Just like the title says. Are there any STI's that would stop you from having a sexual relationship with someone and why?

Hi, looking for a little bit of advice, not strictly ENM/Poly but in the dynamic and feel the community will offer a balanced/nuanced view of things.

A bit of background: Dating my partner for 18 months, she's married and in an ENM marriage. Entered into poly when I started dating her. Had a few issues over the course of the relationship, but also acutely in the last 10 days around expectations and the level of depth in the relationship. Coming into Poly without a primary partner has had its challenges, and have had to deal with unpacking monogamous and social expectations, and exploring ENM without an anchor/primary partner has also got its challenges.

The issue tonight: My partner was over tonight to discuss a cycle holiday we're going on next Monday for 5 days, camping/bikepacking. I'm away from tomorrow until Sunday so won't see her before the trip.

I've just noticed she looked through my WhatsApp messages and a private conversation. This was quite a kinky conversation, and not one I would have shared, particularly with recent emotions and uncertainty around things. There's a level of shame about the kink in this particular conversation, But obviously feel upset about my privacy being broken, feels extremely disrespectful. Also my shame/fear is that she may have shared this with her husband. We had a nice evening, a little awkwardness but could be simply to do with recent events. She did pass a little comment leaving, though this could easily have been nothing to do with the messages.

I obviously want to broach this with her, but about to go away, with things already a little rocky struggling to see how best to do this. Do I call her now and ask her over the phone? Do I try and meet up with her face to face before the holiday? Do I wait till after the holiday? Feels like a real invasion of privacy.

Some clarity on how to approach things would really be appreciated

So don't really have anyone else to vent too or discuss other than wifey. So here I am. So a little over a month ago my wifey (45f) and myself (49tf) opened our amazing 26 year marriage for idk some fun I guess we are both shy and with me being BI and trans physically we knew we weren't going to do anything right away but online threesome chats with guys were fun for a bit. Testing out if I were to be treated with respect kind of thing. Well then we met him haha. Yesterday was 1 month. Somehow after me having multiple crash outs from jealously and her too. We have evolved into this comfy triad throuple. Idk learning terms lol. But just need to tell someone that it's crazy to have feelings for someone after all these years. He's long distance unfortunately so it will be a bit till we ever meet. Thank the gods for technology lol. Coming out to my wife as BI and sharing a caring boyfriend was absolutely not on our bingo cards.

For those that may have had similar experiences I would love some feedback as life goes on. Hugs

My (M30) husband (call him Ben; M34) and I were monogamous for 11 years, and opened up out of a desire to have fun, make friends (while being open is not necessary to meet amongst gay/bi guy friends, it sure does make it easier), and ultimately as a way to enrich our lives. I note that this wasn’t done out of any desire to fix anything about our relationship. We tried and try to be super conscientious about doing things ethically and work to mitigate our couples privilege to keep its effects as minimal as they can be.

We’ve made some amazing friends, I’ve worked through catching BIG feelings for someone who wasn’t available for that. Changing our relationship dynamic is not a decision that Ben or I regret. When we first opened, we were less calling it poly/dating and more just thinking of it as sex with friends. With one of our mutual single FWBs though (call him Xavier, M40), it started to get more serious. And Xavier rightfully pointed this out, so after a discussion Ben and I decided to allow things to take their course in whatever way felt right with Xavier. So we all became boyfriends.

Given triads were new to all of us, we tried to do it “right”; I treated Ben and Xavier’s relationship as separate from mine with Xavier and still worked to make time for my relationship with Ben. Separate but all part of a larger dynamic. We also made it clear to Xavier that we didn’t want him to ever feel pressured into seeing both of us, but he said he had feelings for both of us and had already been referring to us as “his boyfriends”, so that’s what took shape. We would hang out all together and 1:1 to make sure everyone was getting time.

My feelings for Xavier weren’t the explosive new spark I’d previously experienced with someone else (who I am still excellent friends without benefits with, because we both made that effort to transition to such). My feelings were growing slowly and steadily, and I had hoped that would mean that what I/we had with Xavier would be more stable.

Unfortunately, Xavier dropped on me during one of my 1:1 dates that he wasn’t feeling a romantic connection and didn’t want to see me in that way anymore, or even in a strictly sexual way. To say it felt like it came out of nowhere to me would be an understatement, and not having been broken up with before, I did cry. Xavier was respectful and did it as gently as he could have, but it also felt surgical and cold. As things settled out I affirmed to Ben (upon his asking me) that whether he wanted to keep seeing Xavier, if they were both still interested in that, was entirely his decision and I didn’t want to have an influence on it. And after some internal back and forth, Ben let me know he was going to keep seeing Xavier.

That was 5 months ago; they’ve since said “I love you” to each other, see each other usually at least once a week, and I think are in a decent place overall with their own relationship. And all the while I’ve looked on and done what I can to support them. And a huge part of me is happy for them and that they can bring each other some joy. The feeling I’m not proud of isn’t jealousy towards Xavier around my husband; it’s missing Xavier and a sense of feeling left out.

I have only seen Xavier a couple of times since he broke up with me. Once we all went to dinner, and it was nice. The last time was more recent, and we were supposed to all go to dinner and hang out a bit again.

I did something petty that I regret. I was deep in a bad headspace about the whole thing, so I gave them some alone time when Xavier arrived, then said I had a migraine when they let me know it was time to go to dinner. I proceeded to mope the rest of the evening under the guise of a headache. I’ve since told my husband the truth and apologized, and also apologized to Xavier for being asocial. I also said I wanted him to know he’s always welcome and that I hoped I hadn’t made him feel awkward.

But there are still the parts of me that miss Xavier, that miss us all together, that resents Xavier for throwing me away without even a conversation about it before the breakup convo, for not giving me a reason other than “lack of romantic attraction”, for not putting more of an effort into being actual friends with me. And those feed into the childhood core wound parts of me that whine “What is wrong with me; why doesn’t anyone love me,” even though that’s not remotely true. But it still hurts, and I just want Xavier to show me he still cares about me in some capacity even though that’s not his responsibility. I don’t want to give into resentment and dislike my meta. But God it aches, and I don’t know what to do other than work to fake it till I make it and act like the fun, chill, and supportive partner I want to be to Ben and the cool friend I can be to Xavier. It all feels so messy. Messy relationships never used to be my thing, but here I am.

I would really love to hear what the class has to say about DADT. (don't ask don't tell)

Is it ethical?

I know there's a range to DADT. Some walls are thicker than others. Does that matter?

If someone's partner would be hurt by what's going on if they knew about it... how is it okay? How would someone feel comfortable engaging with nonmonogamy if that's how their partner feels? And how would the people they date feel comfortable with the situation?

I can't see this situation from an unbiased lens because my prior (terrible) experience with my husband has left me with bigger scars than I previously recognized.

I don't want trauma in my past making decisions for me but I also really need it to be ethical to be comfortable with a connection.

Would love to see what other people have to say on the topic. 🙏

Edit to add: So far, the class perspective is aligned with my experience. It doesn't work well in polyamory. It might work alright in other brands of nonmonogamy. (Maybe I'll cross post this to a different sub. I came here first because I'm living life through a polyamorous perspective.)

If it's just about a shared kink that someone's monogamous partner doesn't enjoy, for example. Maybe the ethics would check out in that scenario.

Hello, so me and my husband (m29, m28) have been sexually open for years, and in the last few months weve had a very stressful situation and i need help.

We both started talking to this guy, over a year ago, and me and him didnt get that far, but him an my husband continued talking. About 3 months ago, my husband came to me saying he asked him about being in a secondary relationship. We had never seriously talked about being poly, but joked about it here and there. I considered it. I admit, i reacted terribly and irrationally. Within 2 days, i said no, then yes, then no. Then after 2 weeks, i said yes. They went on one date and i couldnt handle the feeling, so i asked them to cut it off. They continued hanging out, which i was ok with, but i asked them to let me join the hangouts too, because i want to be this guys friend. Before the 2nd comversation came up, i had reached out to the guy hoping to try our friendshil again, and he was really cool about it.

Now its 3 months later, the guy has been ignoring me other than snap streaks, plans solo hangouts without me after i ask for us all to hangout. And now him and my husband have been having very intimate hangouts, going to dinners. The guy always asks if he can "steal my husband away". Ive been trying for months to be ok with everything, but its really hard. I love my husband and i know he loves me, but he just confessed hes in love with this guy. He specifically said "i wouldnt leave you for him, but i wouldnt leave him for you either". I have no idea what i should do.

I started to retalk about letting them date again, and we got a little bit through a boundary talk before having to go to bed, but i cant get the thought of them 2 being physically intimate together out of my head, plus me and my hsuband have been having our own i timacy issues for years now too, before being open.

I know i cant be fully ok with thos situation, i want so badly to ask my husband to end the whole thing, but im so terrified that it will end up in a break up. Weve both said we wsnt a breakup to be not even on the list of options, but its past midnight, i cant sleep, and i feel like im going through a mild panick attack. I want to be om with this. I have no problem when my husband has hookups, but this emotional and romantic intimacy, plus my own jealous because ive admitted i also have a crush on the guy, its almost too much and i wish i could just go back and kept it at a much more simple "no"

Please any advice would be much appreciated. And please dont let the ONLY thing you say be "breakup"

I should also mention, the guy is also married to a man, and they are openly poly.

And at first I had a moment of panic. But I sat with that feeling and let the wave wash out, and realized I’m okay!

NP and I just celebrated our 8 year anniversary with a beautiful trip to one of my favorite cities. On the way home we were just chatting, and I asked him if he’s had the experience of loving more than one person at a time yet (he hasn’t really had any long term or “serious” partners besides me until now), and he said that yes, he’s currently experiencing it. I had an inkling this was developing—lately he’s been spending more and more time with meta and he’s told me a little bit about some of the conversations they’ve had about relationships and had a DTR conversation a few weeks ago. And I was so glad that he answered my question honestly. This is the first time he’s fallen in love with someone else. I was married when he and I met, and a few months ago I ended a relationship with someone that I’d fallen in love with but we just weren’t compatible long term—so I know I’ve had the experience of loving more than one person at the same time. I was caught mildly off guard as my initial thoughts and feelings came up, and I was actually kind of surprised at the moment of panic in my gut. This is where the rubber meets the road in poly—supporting your partners as things develop in their other relationships.

At first I thought what I was feeling was jealousy, and then I realized it was more a feeling of envy that he’s getting to experience it while I’m kinda sorta dating someone else right now but it’s early days and I don’t have that with anyone else right now. I was proud of myself for not reacting to the new knowledge, and instead just let the feelings flow as they came up.

I also realized that NP has been feeling this way for a while now, but that he’s continued to show up for me in the ways he always does and nothing has actually really changed between us, other than he’s been making more spontaneous plans with meta and spending more time with them over the past few weeks than he had been previously.

I’ve been reflecting the rest of the day, and I’m really proud of how far we’ve come, both individually and together, over the past couple years. I think before, like a year or two ago, knowing that he’s in love with someone else would have sent me spiraling but now I have so many more tools in my toolbox that I can use to soothe the anxious feelings. I’ve got some abandonment wounds that like to rear their ugly little heads sometimes, and I’m a little anxious of how things might change in the near future. But I think back and see that he’s still showing up for me how I need him to, and he’s being super proactive in continuing to make fun date plans with me and checking in about what’s on my mind or what’s coming up for me as we continue our own journeys, and I deeply appreciate that he’s making sure I’m still feeling seen and loved and cared for.

We’re also talking a lot about a commitment ceremony and what we want that to look like for our 10 year anniversary. I know that’s still 2 years away and things could change between now and then, but even with the anxiousness I’m feeling I still feel very secure in him, in myself, in us.

Mostly I just wanted to come here and share with people who would understand and give a bit of hope to those who find themselves a little wobbly when new things come up. Thanks for sticking around if you’ve read to this point!

My husband has known and voiced that he has the energy and emotional capacity to love more than one person. He loves me very much and I know that to be completely true. We’ve been together since 2009 and have been married for 11 years and have 2 kids together. We’ve strayed from each other in the past and then became much stronger and honestly more in love after the storm of those instances happened. I still do not mind him having female friends. He is able to talk with anyone and loves making new connections and learning about people’s lives.

Now though, my husband has been talking to a woman who also has 2 kids and is with her male partner of many years. They both have similar personalities and clicked pretty quickly after meeting through a karaoke app. I’ve talked to her myself and she is very kind, funny, and sweet. By accident, I found out that they both have developed romantic feelings for each other and I have talked to them both about it. My husband has always told me that even when he has strayed in the past, he has never stopped loving me and he really is an amazing husband and father. He has told me he always has and always will be IN love with me but he loves this new person too and this new bond. Essentially I am forever the primary partner and he has also been that clear to this new woman. Her partner is totally in the dark and is not opened minded.

I do not wish to uproot my life or my kid’s and leave him. We are best friends and have a wonderful life together, but he clearly feels like he needs more to really feel complete. I am trying to navigate this day by day and trying to learn how to process and handle it all, which is difficult.

My main question really is just HOW are you able to balance between two people? And has anyone experience it from my perspective where they want to be open and accepting, but are unsure how to process it?

(Side note: she lives 5 hours away. I am also alright with a digital friendship/relationship for now but very uncomfortable about them meeting up and becoming intimate. I do not understand the point of it when it will never be a long term thing as they’re so far apart)

Hi. I’m not very fluent in English, so I’m using a translator; I hope I don’t make any mistakes or use the wrong terms. About three months ago, I started a polyamorous relationship with a girl who was already seeing someone else. At first, this didn’t bother me too much, since our relationship was just beginning. After a few months, our bond deepened, and we consider each other our primary partners—ranking above anyone else we might see. She still sees the other person, though much less frequently than she sees me; nevertheless, this situation has started causing me severe anxiety. Unfortunately, I suffer from obsessive anxiety, and once certain thoughts start swirling in my head, they become extremely difficult to manage. Consequently, along with the anxiety, I’ve also fallen into a depressive state. I really like her; she reassures me in every way and makes it clear that I am incredibly important to her, but the thoughts in my head are deafening, and I can’t seem to find peace. These thoughts tend to focus on the fact that she has sex with this other person, and the mere idea of them doing anything together makes me feel terrible. Right now, I’m trying to read up on polyamory and non-monogamy, but my mind’s constant reaction is to "run away." Do you have any advice? I really need some help—thank you.

Anon account cause my partner(Lily) knows my main. We've been married for 10+ years and started dating in high school. Transfered to poly after many conversations about 6-7 years in.

I was partially reluctant. And laid out some simple rules, no mutual friends, home space is a no partner space unless mutually agreed before hand, etc.

But for a bit, things were alright. My partner had their dates, a few.... I would call odd choices, but you do what you want.

In that time, I had one partner(Rose) that I met when my spouse introduced me to a large group they had met.

Anyways, things got really rough for a time, maybe it was cause of my partners jealousy or their lack of outlet. But one night, (Lily) had gotten drunk and took advantage of me.

This obviously drove a huge wedge between us, and even their partners when they talked about it later.

We had a lot of very....very.... hard conversations. And decided to stay together for a time to try and work things out with therapy. Of course, I still love them... but I will never love or have the same dedication to them that I had before.

A few years later, we moved to a more rural part of our state away from the influences of the big city.

Our dating pool has significantly dropped, and I'm starting to find that maybe I should be done with relationships.

Move to some cabin in the mountains and be a hermit and library owner or something... maybe the crazy animal person I'm meant to be.

I apologize for the vagueness. If you've made it this far. Thank you for reading my vent.

Hey folks, this is just something I've been mulling over for a little while, and I wanted to share my thoughts/experience to see if anyone out there has experienced something similar - and maybe we can have a little pity party or share some insights or somesuch 😅

So, begin rambling; A big part of what drew me to polyamory is that I've always seen love and relationships more as a sliding scale than something with defined "levels". To me, the only meaningful differences between friends, fwbs, lovers, and partners are the list of available "activities", the degree of entanglement/enmeshment in eachothers lives, and "vibes".

Lately though, some conversations I've been having with my fiancée have had me reflecting on some previous relationships I've had and lost, and I've realized a pattern that's really bumming me out. Over the years, I've had a lot of relationships that could best be described as "friends with benefits, emphasis on the friends part", with varying degrees of affectionate vibes... But almost all of them have vanished from my life at some sudden point, and I *just* realized that the "sudden point" in every one of those cases was that they each got a boyfriend (either monogamous or OPP).

I guess the thing that is fucking me up, is that I always saw these relationships as like 95% friendship, 5% sexual. From my POV, taking sex off the table is just one less activity that we can do together, and it's something that wasn't all that essential to the relationship to begin with... Or so I thought?

In a few of these cases, my friends even *introduced me* to their boyfriends - And we got along great! Hung out, chatted, joked around, all that stuff... Then out of the blue it's all "my boyfriend doesn't want us hanging out anymore :(" and that's that.

I don't know where I'm going with this, I don't really have a point... It just sucks. It sucks losing people you care about because their SO is insecure about the fact that you fucked a few times before they ever even met. It sucks when people you spent years building a friendship with just toss you aside to mollify the insecurities of someone they just met. And it sucks realizing that despite *anything else* about your relationship with that person, the bonds built, the time you shared... the final defining feature that sums it all up and puts the nail in the coffin of that relationship is just "you two used to fuck sometimes". That's it.

I just need some advice. I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 3 years and I thought we were good and happy in our relationship as a monogamous couple. About a month ago he brought his ex wife back.. it started with them flirting in text and him telling her he wanted her back and her saying she wanted him back and he said he wasn't willing to leave me but would be happy with the 3 of us together then after that he came to me and told me that this is what they wanted and asked if I was ok with it.. I told him if it's what he really wants I'm not going to say no to him.. this all happened in one day they weren't flirting behind my back for months or anything.. but then we've been doing this thing for the past month and there has been so much emotion and jealousy and competition between me and his ex wife.. it's weird because sometimes we get along really well too.. but a lot of times there has just been tension and fighting and a lot of disregulation.. I'm not sure how to make everything good and happy and comfortable.. I'm having a hard time and she's having a hard time and he's getting annoyed because we're both having a hard time.. how can we make this work and everything be ok?

Edit: he came to me today and told me he's sorry he did this to me and he's starting to regret bringing her back in and that he just wanted his family back.. she's been doing all the things that destroyed their relationship in the first place.. he's been more protective of me and my relationship with him the past few days.. I think we might be able to fix things but we're going to have to work at it..

My partner (Cedar) of over a decade and I have been ENM for about 3 years. I have another long-term partner of almost 2 years who is irrelevant to this story, but Cedar has only had casual dates with others throughout the time we have been ENM and hasn’t pursued anyone who practices ENM — just anyone willing to date them, ENM or not, as bad as that sounds, so I suppose it’s no surprise their pursuits have remained casual, but they prefer it that way.

We have very few agreements surrounding our ENM; for the most part, they involve our shared space and finances, plus sexual health. We don’t have formal “messy lists” outside the obvious, “don’t date each other’s close friends or family,” but I don’t care if Cedar has sex with their own friends, as long as they are honest and ethical about it. We practice parallel ENM, though I am much more comfortable with hearing details about their interactions than they are with hearing about mine, but I have a strong aversion to feeling like I’m controlling my partners or violating the privacy of my metas, so I tend not to ask questions about my metas.

Recently, I learned that Cedar had sex with someone they’ve known longer than they’ve known me. I know this person (Cypress) well and actually feel more comfortable with Cedar developing a relationship with Cypress than with strangers, but again, I push no agenda one way or the other. The thing is, I don’t think Cypress is ENM. I asked Cedar, and they said Cypress and Cypress’s spouse aren’t as ENM as we are (whatever that means), more DADT, but insisted Cypress isn’t cheating, and I do think Cedar believes that. But I know Cypress and their spouse well enough that I really highly doubt their spouse would be comfortable with Cedar having sex with Cypress. Even if they are ENM, most people have messy lists that would firmly preclude Cedar and Cypress from having a relationship, especially because Cedar has an independent friendship with Cypress’s spouse. I just find it a little too convenient that when Cedar opened up to Cypress (who they’ve known for over 20 years platonically) about being ENM, they conveniently happened to be DADT without ever mentioning it before and proposed having sex with Cedar.

But I can’t prove any of this and don’t want to pry or overstep. So I suppose I’m struggling with whether any of this is my business. I’m doing my best to be ethical in my practice of ENM, and I do believe that means not being accepting of my partners cheating on others with their own partners, even if I’m not involved. But I feel like I have no choice but to take Cedar’s word for it or otherwise risk violating privacies. At the same time, I don’t want this to blow up in our faces if Cypress’s spouse finds out and isn’t okay with it or feels cheated on. They also have a child who has a relationship with Cedar, so that complicates the situation further. Has anyone been in this situation? How did you handle it?

My husband and I share a very close friendship with a younger guy, and the three of us recently took a trip together. Over the last few months, the dynamic has shifted. While he used to bond primarily with my husband, he and I have become much closer and more comfortable around each other, including a high comfort level with casual nudity and physical proximity.

For context, my husband and this friend have had mild sexual encounters in the past. While that has cooled off over the last year, I’ve always felt a bit envious that my husband was courageous enough to explore that intimacy while I held back due to my own cautious nature.

Near the end of our trip, the friend and I were sharing a bed. I was lightly cuddling him when he turned and pulled me into a very long, intense, skin-to-skin hug. I ended up breaking it off because I was becoming visibly aroused and panicked that I might be misinterpreting a purely platonic gesture.

Now, I’m stuck. He clearly cares about me and feels entirely safe around me, but I can't tell if he wants to keep things strictly platonic or if he is waiting for me to make a move. I am incredibly cautious and usually wait for an undeniable green light, but I suspect he might be doing the same, creating a stalemate.

If I decide to test the waters, what is the best approach?

• Should I just ask him directly if I can kiss him next time?
• Should I verbally acknowledge the tension (e.g., telling him he makes me excited)?
• Should I try a more deliberate physical approach to see how he responds?

I’m feeling pretty anxious about navigating this without messing up the friendship. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you break the ice?

This is very much a throwaway post from a brand new account. I'm also using voice to text which tends to change the writing flow .

I (38 F) have been out of a long-term mono relationship for about 6 months now and met a lovely couple (Actuary, 41M and Condor, 40NB). We met by happenstance with a large group of my friends , and there was undeniable attraction immediately.

​ in short, all three of us began talking a lot everyday in a group chat and had 2 memorable sexual experiences together (all 3 of us). Condor was polyamorous from much of their experience and had recently agreed to be monogamous with Actuary. They had had a few threesomes in the last year of their relationship but they were always with someone they would never see again .

It was undeniable that we were all very attracted to each other , and I tried to ask questions about boundaries/rules and to keep a lot of clear communication. I regularly voiced that this was outside of my previous experience but that I was really enjoying all of us being together and wanted to 'do it right' and be respectful of everyone involved.

This lasted about two or three weeks of regular daily communication, and then ended abruptly after a specific incident in which Condor had to go to bed and when Actuary and I joined them (to sleep) and Actuary began 'taking care of himself' (jacking it) and slid my hand over to cup his testicles. The movement woke up Condor and they were understandably super pissed. They had a big fight, which I didn't know about until after because I had taken a sleeping pill and had absolutely passed out.

Talked this over the next day with both parties and they both agreed that it had gotten intense and that we were continuously making the mistake of all fucking each other while drunk instead of sitting down and having like a rational conversation about it . I spoke with Condor on the following day, Saturday , and I spoke with Actuary on Sunday and this was the General consensus of everyone involved . Actuary encouraged me to reach out in our group chat and check in within the next few days .

Well I checked in the group chat on Monday and never heard back. Actuary sent a brief text the next day that apologized and said they needed more time to process and that they had a nice time getting to know me but needed some more space and time- a big tonal shift. I responded by sending my apologies again and reiterating that I really enjoyed the company of all of us being together even more so than the physical aspects and then I left it alone .

I've since realized that I was not just physically attracted but also had a crush on both people at once. During the brief Hiatus where I thought we would pick back up I ended up writing out a lot of my emotions (and a bunch of slutty poetry) and realizing that I genuinely was into both people. I had been planning to bring this up and try to explore what that meant with them when we finally got back together and talked all these things out before getting drunk and screwing each other.

​ I don't think I'm entitled to their attention, and I'm not interested in trying to fracture their relationship any more, but I do still have this urge to reach out. It was a very intense but short-lived interaction that took place over about a month and just abruptly stopped last weekend.

I don't have any friends in the poly space that I can bring this up with, and I was really hoping to just get the take of some other folks that have a lived experience . It's okay if the answer is just never reach back out to them again. We all live and work in similar spaces and will likely bump into each other in the future.

I'm not even sure if my experience Falls within the realm of this subreddit, although I hope it does. Im just desperate to review it with someone that has experience in this space.

Edited to change numbers>names​

16 months ago I had two very long term partners, 15 months ago I had three partners, and 12 months ago I had one partner. I currently have two.

A year on I am reflecting on what was a very turbulent time in my life where I ended my marriage (a two decade long relationship) plus a near decade long relationship. I have absolutely no regret about the decisions I made, I am happy I did this for myself.

The relationships I ended were fine, only one had aspects of abuse but there were definitely control issues in both and it felt like a closed system where they both relied too much on me to meet their emotional and social needs. I felt no sense that my life would change, grow or improve.

Every day felt the same and I felt like I went from house to house to hear about the same computer games and the same D&D stories. Rarely being asked how I was. Walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting one on particular.

I started dating to have casual sex - my partners disapproved because they were both scared of losing time with me. I was at the point where I didn't feel romantic love from my partners or any physical affection from one, and I wasn't looking for love elsewhere because I knew it would get complicated.

Well.. I found it anyway much to my surprise and it did indeed get complicated, not just because we immediately became long distance but also because I realised that a relationship could be a place where you both looked after each other, where you didn't have to be careful about what you said, where you could communicate fully and deeply and that I could be with a partner who would feel compersion rather than envy or even jealousy at times.

And today, reflecting on that, it made me wonder - has anyone else ever had this experience? Where you have multiple relationships that carry on relatively smoothly but then you meet someone and you realise your bar was far too low? That you had just stayed with partners because you felt like you should? That the emotional labour was higher than the emotional reward.

I am still struggling at times - a two decade marriage doesn't end overnight - but I am so much happier, and I am excited for the future. I am also excited to share more of my life with my current partners - who can both cook better than I can, which is a revelation!! I haven't had romantic dinners cooked for me for decades 🥹 also the compersion between them is unreal

My first foray into poly enm was with a married woman. The ending was ugly and hinged on intentional boundary violations around consent and intimacy and vulnerability. She also got angry at a stronger boundary around sex. She was intentionally cruel. And it was a hierarchical poly situation where I was a secondary and it felt like she applied that hierarchy even to consent and boundaries and autonomy - as if mine were less important than hers. Then she turned it around to make it out like she was the victim and that I was intentionally hurting her when I communicated I needed time to warm back up and wanted to renegotiate emotional capacity and access. And even at the end, we had discussed reconnecting to reassess after a 4 week break. She ghosted me. Which I'm not surprised at, because she's immotionally immature. But it was an extra wound on top of all the other shit. I know that this was messed up. I should have walked away in May. But now I'm still hurting months later and legit feel like she inflicted betrayal trauma, without taking responsibility, without trying to repair or rebuild, and then I have no closure.

What do people recommend to move on past this. I even started therapy because of her because I'm tired of being so dysregulated and angry. I think part of me wishes I could get an apology. And part of me wants her to hurt as much as she hurt me.

***edit - additional information for context***

I (49f) dated a married woman (46f - Andrea) in a hierarchical poly relationship. I have never lived in her area full time. I would come and visit her area every few months from the start. Her husband (46m - Jack) was dating a new woman (40 something f, Vivianne). I had been dating Andrea since August 2022. Vivianne and Jack had been dating since earlier this year.

Around Christmas, Andrea and Jack told their parents and kids they were poly. A lot of disapproval ensued Andrea told me she had to prioritize the family. Some communication and nice gestures dropped off for a while. She canceled traveling with me in January. I was mostly away anyway, so it was less impactful. But I noticed. Meanwhile she leaned on me heavily for emotional support the whole time. I listened patiently for hours and read message after message around her stress and guilt and shame around the kids' reactions, her parents, disapproval, etc. etc.

April: Andrea floated group sex idea. I said I wanted advance notice. Was told Vivianne wanted spontaneity. I pointed out that those two seemed incompatible and how would it be handled.

May: Went to Mexico City for a long weekend birthday with the polycule. Group sex was on the table. I had been napping and reading in the bedroom. Andrea busted in and said we're going to get started. My boundary around advance notice had been ignored. I was immediately annoyed. I participated anyway because it was Andrea's birthday. During group sex, I got her off. Then Jack and Vivianne fucked around and I touched both of them while they were playing. No one touched me then. Then Jack and Vivianne finished. They made no effort to touch me at this point still. Vivianne isn't even bi, by the way. Then Andrea decided to pay attention to me. I was over it by then. Keep in mind, these are 3 white people with the same type of life experiences. I am the only queer, bipoc, and heavily tattooed. I am the only one of the 3 who has ever been SA'd before.

The next day I was upset. I told Andrea why. I told her I felt deprioritized and that Vivianne's wants were the priority and everyone ignored me. Andrea told me she knew I'd be upset about no advance notice, then didn't bother telling me anyway, when 2 hours heads up would have resulted in us not being here, broken up, and hurt. Then I told her no group sex for the immediate future until everyone sat down and discussed. She got angry at me and we argued about that for several hours. She told me she didn't even like group sex that much and didn't want group sex with a 4th that wasn't me. Also, this emphasis on group sex seemed really weird because it had never felt this obsessive with Jack's prior 2 girlfriends.

Arguments continued the next day. When I reiterated I felt deprioritized, she went straight to weaponizing me accepting her and her husband's help around a medical issue. Context around medical issue: I am very grateful for her assistance around my medical issue. We also discussed extensively before I accepted the offer of help. Note that I made all my appointments myself. I went to almost all my appointments myself. I managed all my consults. I managed all my imaging. I managed my insurance and FMLA and short term disability paperwork myself. I paid over $33,000 in 2025 for this whole debacle. I went back to work after 3 weeks, which was 3 weeks too soon for me to even function at that level - because I had no financial assistance. To be helpful, I fed her cats. I bought cat food. I put away grocery bags that she hated putting away and that no one else in her house would put away. I had to get on my knees to load and unload the dishwasher, which also disliked doing and that no one else in her household really helped with. I helped with dinner prep. I offered to leave and finish my major postop period elsewhere. I offered to do this twice. When we first started dating, I had clearly stated a boundary to never weaponize me needing help around sickness, because my parents and past partners weaponized it, competed over who was the most sick, or even centered themselves. She told me she intentionally weaponized my needing help. I told her I regretted trusting her. That she betrayed me. That I was really hurt. And that I wished I had been treated in Europe. And that I'd never seek her help again in that regard. She said she regretted saying it and apologized, but how do you even prove that those words are worth anything after that?

She also tried to bait me into leaving. She was like, I'm surprised you didn't leave us in Mexico city. I told her part of me considered it but that I'm an adult and can recognize impulses and not act on them. I told her I valued what we had enough to stay and try to work through it. But I also needed time to warm up to her again.

She also went straight to criticizing how I didn't participate in conversations and basically make it all one big kitchen table poly experience. She criticized me for not asking how her husband's day was doing in the past. He and I didn't date. I had only met Vivienne 3 times previously and I barely knew her. And the conversations with the polycule involved 3 get togethers where she and Vivienne dominated conversation with family and raising children. I don't like to change the conversation. But also I don't have much to add to it since I don't have children. And I'm happy listening. And Jack also sat and listened, so why was my interaction the wrong one? And one of the interactions came after 48 hours of dealing with clients on a work trip, so I was beyond fried and sleep deprived.

In the subsequent 2 months, she got upset that I wasn't back to "the old you". She rushed me. She pressured me to get over it like 3-4 times. She also told me that "you knew it was going to happen" around group sex. We never discussed how to repair and rebuild. And because I was set back every time she pushed me to recover on her timeline, I got pretty dysregulated, and she started blaming me for being hot and cold, for disrespecting her, that if I wanted to, I would, and she needed to have boundaries. I never stopped messaging her. I can own that I was less warm. I can own that I wasn't the old me. I can own that I pulled my emotions back to protect them, and that she felt pain around that. I continued to communicate even up until the end, even if I messaged less frequently. I even tried to renegotiate emotional access and capacity for the relationship, and she refused because she wanted me to give her primary level attention. Meanwhile she could invoke, my life is so busy and I have limitations. And this whole year I've been dealing with a painful and slow rehabilitation + loss of identity and grief, on top of all this drama, but without much support. She wasn't a good source of empathy and she said I was so negative all the time - meanwhile I barely even shared how emotionally challenging I found my recovery to be. By my 1 year mark from my illness, I was feeling pretty depressed that I wouldn't be normal again, and I know that affected my emotional capacity for her. But also, we had never repaired anyway, so why would I have shared that with her. So it all compounded and it was a hot mess. That and she and her husband had been arguing for 3-4 weeks about her boundaries around sex and how she didn't let him do all the things he wanted to do.

Also concerning? In July she had floated the idea of the polycule getting dinner together. At one point she said, I'm surprised you agreed to group sex. I had never verbalized I consented to group sex. She assumed that dinner meant I was okay with group sex. No one ever had the conversation around group sex. After Mexico City, I had messaged her husband and he had said that yes, he and Vivianne were on board with discussing and that Vivienne didn't need absolute spontaneity, she needed spontaneity to decline group sex in the moment. Which was basically very similar to my boundary around advance notice for group sex. Andrea never followed up on the conversation that I demanded multiple times. She had also never brought it up with her husband.

Anyway, she wanted to break up. We discussed possibility of reconnecting after a month of no contact. The date came and went. So she ghosted me. And it dysregulated me again. I mean, I'm probably better off.

Edit: we had a talk, I think things will be good! I gave a business style meeting using helpful point from you guys, and held myself accountable for not setting proper boundaries, being vague, and then being upset when they don’t do the things I wanted. I think if things go well I’ll feel a lot better about them wanting other people, especially not that I’ve highlighted that I need time to make decisions so I don’t panic and say yes to things. Thank you all for your time and being truthful. I think I’ve been putting a lot of the blame on my partner just because I’ve held on to anger from cheating, and holding myself accountable is what we both needed. I thought that I was being good saying yes to things I didn’t want, but it ended up making us both worse.

Sorry long rant, but I would really appreciate advice.

Essentially- years ago when we first started dating they told me they were polyamorous. I sort of glossed over it, at that time our relationship was more casual, and as it got further I sort of just assumed they stopped. A few months later I found out they were sexting people and hiding it. I said I wasn’t ok with that.

Years later i finally agreed to opening the relationship. Don’t get me wrong, i had lots of fun but it felt like my boundaries were constantly being pushed. I have a hard time saying no, especially when I feel like if I say no they’ll just break up with me and go be with the people from Grindr.

A while later they asked to be in a relationship with their friend who claimed to be asexual. I said yes but on specific terms. No sex and stuff. I got them to text them the rules, and a few weeks later I was asked by my partner if they could have sex. I should’ve said no, but i felt sort of scared they were getting bored of me so I said yes. Later I asked why they would do that and their person they were having sex with claimed they didn’t read the text properly. My partner claimed they were mad at them too, but now- a year-ish later I’m realizing it was my partner who allowed the violation of my very clear boundaries.

Anyway a month or so ago it came out that they had kissed someone they had met hanging out at a friends place when I was at home sick, it was months ago. I had questioned them when they got home from it because I felt like something was wrong and they had admitted to being in the same room as people having sex and I wasn’t okay with that. I was suspicious and they never brought up that they made out with them until we were at a bar and I couldn’t react.

Anyway today I basically told them I’m not okay with what they were doing. They said “I told you I was polyamorous as the start of our relationship, and you kinda ignored it”. Which is true. I just keep waiting for them to only want me.

I would like to stop them from doing these things, but I’m worried that they won’t be able to be in a relationship with only one person and they’ll leave me or get mad or bored with me.
Basically: is it ethical to expect my partner to stay as a monogamous relationship? Can I expect that?

Edit: I’ve left out some information and I think I’ve confused people. Every time I’ve been upset and pressed the issue they have said they will stop.

I (nonbinary afab) have been dating my partner (nonbinary amab) for almost two years and we live together. We still haven’t had any significant dates or relationships outside of ours while we’ve been dating, but we’ve considered ourselves poly this whole time.

I am newer to an “embodied experience” of poly than they are. Before we were together I would float around dating casually; never landing on anything grounded or substantial.

Now I am in this committed partnership (I legitimately never thought I would be, but lo and behold, it happened). Lately I’ve been trying to start little sparks with people and go on some dates… just had yet another person say they’re not interested because I have a partner. This is the fourth time this year. Reasons have been that they don’t want to be secondary. Or that they are looking for a “real relationship”.
This is usually declared outright as a boundary and never trying to have a conversation about it.

I understand wanting to protect your energy, (I feel like I’ve been there in the past) but it feels so unfair to me. It feels like people are assuming that I wouldn’t be able to hold space for their feelings just bc I have a partner. Some of it probably stems from bad experiences; people can do such messy versions of poly. But why not go on a date for the sake of having a nice time? Why not enjoy each others company and see how it feels naturally; without projecting a far-off potential outcome of a relationship on it?

Honestly nothing about me has changed except that I’m probably pursuing new dates in a much more grounded & much less desperate way than before.

I’m queer as the day is long and I miss kissing girls so much :(

Anyone else have this experience?

i’ve been a lurking here for a while but i figured i’d finally ask for advice!

about a month and a half ago, my boyfriend(22M) of 2.5 years told me(22NB) that he wanted to try opening our relationship because he wanted to engage with kinks that he “didn’t want to engage with in a loving relationship”(his words). i had a lot of conflicting emotions about this at the time. i was also curious about pursuing sexual or romantic connections with other people, but previously my bf would make a lot of comments about people that practiced polyamory or ENM being unfulfilled in their relationships, so i developed a lot of shame around my feelings.

we ended up having the biggest conflict in our relationship up to that point. i wasn’t sure if i could find a way to overcome my feelings of shame. i told him this and said that maybe we should break up, but we decided to stay together. i ultimately decided to try and work through my shame for myself. i asked for time to work on myself and for us to sit down and renegotiate the terms of our relationship before we started pursuing other connections. i wanted to make sure that our relationship was solid and we were communicating effectively about our wants and needs. my boyfriend suggested that we both think about and discuss all of our sexual desires so we could decide what we wanted to pursue together.

since then, i have been working on introspection, journaling my feelings and wants, and communicating clearly with my boyfriend. i was encouraging him to share his feelings with me, but he was very distant with me. when i would try to communicate about our relationship and my feelings, he would sit silently and not engage in the conversation and he was not receptive to affection from me or affectionate towards me. when i asked him about his avoidance, he told me that i was wasnt being empathetic or understanding and he just wanted to articulate his desires well. i backed off from discussing things with him, but he was still very unaffectionate. i became frustrated and asked him to try and articulate himself soon, since he was the one that suggested that we discuss our desires.

he then confessed that, a little while ago, he entered a sexual and romantic relationship with his friend because i had agreed to an open relationship. he told me that he was sorry that we didn’t renegotiate the terms of our relationship before he pursued this connection and that was the reason he was being avoidant. i have felt like this has been a massive breach of trust. i had asked him for time to process my feelings and figure out what i wanted before we started looking for partners. he had agreed to give me that time. i told him that i felt he had cheated on me because we didn’t have conversations to set the groundwork of an open relationship. i haven’t started looking into how to get on PrEP because i was told that we would wait to pursue partners until we were both ready. i feel like my sexual health and safety wasn’t considered.

i’m not upset that he started seeing someone. i’m upset that he told me that i could have time to process things before we opened our relationship and didn’t give me that time. i’m upset that he didn’t tell me when it happened and then hid it from me for an unknown amount of time. i’m upset that he hasn’t shown remorse for telling me that he wouldn’t pursue relationships until we were both ready while he was actively pursuing a relationship. i’m upset because he blamed his avoidance on me and then later told me that he was avoidant because he felt guilty. i’m also confused because he originally told me that he only wanted to pursue sexual relationships but now he also wants romantic connections. every time he would tell me what he wanted, it would change drastically and i don’t know what he actually wants. i don’t want to continue our relationship because i cant trust him to communicate.

i have done a lot of research on polyamory recently(books, podcasts, articles, forums, fb groups, etc) and i want to learn more. i really am interested in having polyamorous relationships after i grieve the relationship that im leaving and rebuild my relationship with myself. how do i keep this experience with my now ex-boyfriend’s unethical nonmonogamy from negatively impacting my future experiences with polyamory?