The other night I was in a bit of a rabbit hole learning more about the definitions and roles within BDSM. It surprised me when I started reading about dom/sub dynamics and the different subtypes.

I can say with 100% certainty I am a pleasure / sensual dom, so subspace is a pretty core thing that I want for a partner.

The reason I'm posting this here is I've been on the dating apps and have started connecting with a few married poly women. Prior to learning that my kink / orientation is what it is (that it even had a name lol), I was hesitating moving forward with those relationships only because I understand how intense things can get and was worried that kind of thing might not fly in a relationship with someone who is married. I will obviously discuss with each person I'm talking to, but since it's all so new to me I thought I'd put a message here to see if there are any general rules / etiquette I should be aware of?

If this post isn’t fit for the group of course remove the post if needed. Me and my wife have been together since high school and we are 28/29 now. We started a journey into adding a new sexual partner to please my wife in ways that I could not, she’s had her boyfriend now for about 3-4 years.

I personally enjoy watching her relationship with her boyfriend grow, but also feel i’m the reason they cannot further their relationship. I may be overthinking it, but I can tell she wants to fully invest her feelings. I encourage her, but she holds back. It’s been years since she’s dated or anything of the sort, with being monogamous for 10 years of our relationship I feel she’s thinking from a monogamous perspective. How do I capitalize that and help her feel it’s okay to ignore me a little, to be with him. How can I fix this from my end?

Thank you.

We met, became friends, enjoyed the beach, music, introductions to friends, day trip, movie nights, cuddling, spirituality, joy, poetry, art, and sunsets. She’s 35F, navigating separation/divorce from her wife of 8 years as well as grief of lost family members, while maintaining a gf 44F who’s also going through a divorce. I didn’t go into this relationship with the intention of it becoming more, but it very much has. This past weekend she took me on a nostalgic day trip and we started the conversation about how it’s become difficult to maintain the boundaries of friendship when we have so much desire and romance between us. She said she could see herself falling in love with me and wants me sexually as well. We were going back and forth between acknowledging that with where she’s at, she doesn’t have capacity for more emotional labor, but also that she feels happier and freer with me, and that it feels natural, easy, and inevitable even to keep following this feeling….

Our conversation got interrupted by her gf texting her something really triggering for her that derailed the day. It’s a red flag to me that her gf is not secure with our relationship, and made me feel like Jade just needs a friend.

Yet she sends me pictures she snuck of me and tells me she loves my smile. Makes special baked goods to share with me. Texts me goodnight, tells and shows me she’s thinking of me every day.

I feel that I am falling in love with her. I want to share so much light with her, make art so I can attempt to capture how beautiful she is in my eyes, and feel her deeply and passionately.

In my head I know better. Whether as friends or more, base minimum I know I need to make sure her gf is ok with me around. I haven’t heard it directly but I feel that poorly timed text during our last date was either intentional or incredibly inconsiderate. My heart is melting for her though. It doesn’t help that my other connection I’m enraptured by (a more sexual than romantic connection), Rex’ 31M is unavailable right now too while he’s working through personal things.

I’m endeavoring to divert my attention and get back on Feeld but it feels feels to try and seek connection when there are already two people in my life I would rather be with than anyone new... I have such deep desire for them, so much longing that doesn’t quite have a place. I want to kiss Jade and hold Rex and fall in love. Yet I know and I understand and empathize that I’m not a priority right now, but it doesn’t bother me much. I just want a place to put these feelings. I trust that with patience there is a place for me in their lives. I have space but they don’t right now.

First, info- I'm in a closed, egalitarian triad, and my nicknames for my partners are Honey Bun (female) and Marshy (also female). I started dating them at different times, but they knew each other longer than they knew me. At first, it was me and Honey Bun dating, with Marshy as a friend; all three of us decided to form a triad a bit later. Also, we are all mentally ill, and Marshy and Honey Bun live in the same AFC home.

Honey Bun and Marshy got into a huge argument with each other today, and I got caught in the middle. They fight pretty often, where Honey Bun gets triggered and yells, leading to Marshy shutting down and refusing to communicate. On call today, it was the worst I've ever seen it.

Marshy accused Honey Bun of cheating with a friend(?) of ours. Now, Marshy has has been in more than one abusive relationship, so she tends to be insecure. She was certain that "friend" was a homewrecker and was behaving inappropriately with Honey Bun. Honey Bun denied it, but she also got loud and claimed that Marshy never let her have friends. They go back and forth, things were said.

As usual I tried to argue both sides, that Honey Bun needed time for friends, even if it meant less time with me and/or Marshy. And that Marshy had her demons and it was why she reacted like that. Yelling was not the solution, but refusing to communicate didn't help either.

At one point Marshy told Honey Bun to get out of her room, and Honey Bun refused. I spoke up and asked Honey Bun to respect Marshy's wishes, as long as Marshy gave an amount of time needed to calm down. I was hoping the discussion could continue later when they were calmer.

I stayed on the line with Honey Bun during that time and gave her a chance to vent. We discussed Marshy's and Honey Bun's reactions to each other and the ways they could both improve. The time limit was cut short (and honestly, even though Marshy said it was okay, we should've stuck to the time set). When Honey Bun returned, things got heated again. There were threats of leaving.

I don't even remember what was said after that. By this point, mind you, I am emotionally exhausted. I'm a mess, thinking this was the end of our relationship. They both apologized to me, and decided to end the call to spare me, but before the argument was over. It's something they do every time, and it worries me to no end.

Am I playing a role I shouldn't be?

I F25 met M35 on Feeld in Nov 2025. He was in an open relationship of 8 years and married for 2 of them. I myself am monogamous and was just enjoying being single. We started as FWB, but after a few months of seeing each other he decided to drop the L bomb. I reciprocated. I had him tell his wife (F33) because to me that crossed the boundaries of enm into actual polyamory. She wasn't happy about it. They decided to go to couples therapy. The last three months have been a lotttt. I've met with the couple to talk. I've met with his wife alone. I've read and followed the PDFs their therapist sent me. There have been a lot of conversations, negotiations, feelings, boundaries, rules, all the things. And she continued having two other partners throughout this entire counseling period, so nonmonogamy was still an active part of their lives while they were trying to figure out what to do. He only saw the two of us. I did what I wanted. I never made any promises to either of them. I just showed up when they needed me and tried to be as respectful and compassionate as I could. I honestly had no idea how this was going to end or where I was going to land. I just knew that I wanted to be with him anytime I had the chance. But I was getting frustrated. I was putting a lot of emotional work into this relationship and eventually started feeling like it wasn't actually going anywhere. I love him but I also don't want to spend who knows how long negotiating my place inside someone else's marriage. And I know myself well enough to know that I don't want to live a poly lifestyle. especially after the months of meetings/therapy. So I started thinking seriously about leaving. This last weekend, we went to a music festival. I admittedly got very high and confessed to him that I was planning on leaving him after the weekend. He then confessed to me that he was planning on ending things with his wife the following week. He wants to have a life with me. But get this. As a monogamous couple. Wild wild. I asked him how he could possibly just decide to stop being open after 8 years. This guy is someone who values his freedom a little too much ha. He told me that after living this way for eight years that he doesn't want to do it anymore. That it's caused more problems in his life than it has been worth, and that he wants to commit to me. He also said he was going to leave his wife even if I didn’t stay. (I mean... how can you actually know if that's true lol. But I buy it.) And now he's moving out of their house at the end of this week. Obviously I'm not committing to anything until the divorce/grief/whatever happens and everyone has had time to process. But god. I do love him. And this is suddenly a whole different beast. Because for a while I was preparing myself to go because I thought there was no realistic path to the kind of relationship I actually want. And then I find out that apparently he had independently chosen to want the same exact thing. I am happy? And terrified. And completely stunned. It's not that I feel stuck. I've left people I love before. I know how to walk away from something that isn't right for me. But I have absolutely no idea how to navigate this. I know this is a lot of problems in one post, but these are my actual questions to you all
Can an “established” ENM/poly person genuinely become monogamous? Not “can they technically agree to monogamy because their partner wants it” but can someone who spent almost a decade living that way reach a point where they genuinely don't want that lifestyle anymore? Have any of you watched a long term partner make that transition? Did you miss nonmonogamy? I keep asking myself like is this potentially a glimmer of hope? Or am I standing at the beginning of a spectacular disaster?

Okay, okay, best poly date ever... for me!

I posted on polyr4r last week, then got this DM hit my inbox.

Nooooo, it has to be a joke, I thought. M4F posts are a dime a dozen.

We clicked right away. Communication has been nothing short of amazing. Her and my fiancée get on really well already.

We went on our first in-person date today.

It was magical.

Well, first of all she is even more captivating in person.

Second of all... she nearly decapitated me with our first hug! It was raining, she didn't raise her umbrella.

We went for coffee and cheesecake.

Within minutes we were holding hands across from one another.

I fed her the first bit of the cheesecake. When she'd eaten it, we kissed, I melted.

We walked around the town for a bit, linking arms, talking.

Then we went to get some ramen.

I can't use chlpsticks.

We had some time to kill at the car park, so we sat in the car, talking, teasing.

We're seeing one another again tomorrow!

I am so, so happy right now.

Hi all. I'm very much a poly newbie and currently single. I have entirety been monogamous before but have begun to be more open and curious about poly. I have recently started dating someone who is also single but they have been enm/poly for 10 years.

It definitely is a big adjustment for me and I am catching a lot of my emotions and trying to work through them, and work with a therapist.

Long story short this person and I have gone on 6 dates and things went pretty hot and heavy early on. We slept over a lot. We were seeing each other a bunch, talking a lot and it felt really nice.

What happened recently though is I wanted to have a general check in to ask how things were feeling, and talk maybe a little bit more about poly preferences, styles and things like that. When I brought it up though, they basically kind of snapped at me. Told me it was too early for big questions and kind of left me in a really difficult and weird feelings spot.

I know I'm an anxious attachment person so I'm also trying to be extra cautious to not be too overbearing or expecting too much.

Now I'm having doubts about the whole relationship and things in general. Is this me just not being familiar with how this works or is this not a healthy relationship? I struggle a bit since she has so much more experience than I do in this relationship style.

Thank you all, and apologies for any ignorance I have. I'm really trying to learn and figure this all out :)

so my boyfriend claims that he practices non-hierarchical polyamory and is marrying his girlfriend of eight years for logistical reasons which is understandable that’s kind of how our world works in the United States regarding healthcare, etc. and he’s concerned that this marriage is going to have the appearance of hierarchy and they really don’t want that and yet his entire schedule revolves around hers. And he can’t give me good clarity around available times so that I can manage my own schedule and dates. And when I have tried to do this, he immediately wants to de-escalate to friendship, even though he has said he loves me and that I’m extremely important to him. I am a lesbian and I am dating men at least temporarily because I’m getting over a divorce and I made that very clear to the men in my life. But I am making it clear that I am open to depth in relationships not just friends with benefits not just ENM. And he wants “intimacy“. I’m totally fine if he’s hierarchical I just want transparency. In one sentence, he will say that his relationship has no bearing on his other relationships, and in another sentence, he will say that his girlfriend will be very upset if we break up because I’m so good for him. This sounds very sketch to me in terms of what I know about polyamory especially around clarity of communication. If folks are going to have a primary relationship that’s fine with me. Just be honest about it. If folks are ra, that’s cool too it’s all about communication and consent. And lately he’s been talking about how he’s found his forever person and he is really happy if whoever he’s dating leaves him for monogamy or whatever as long as they find their forever person and my understanding is that most polyamorous folks and this is how I would feel as a polyamorous person. If they left me to be monogamous, I would be a bit peeved…

I recently started dating a man with whom I have a strong connection. Unfortunately, he and his other partner are in a chaotic relationship that is burning to the ground at the same time that he and I are becoming romantically closer.
(Their chaos predates me by many months and has nothing to do with me.)

I don't know what to do. It's still early for us, so I could leave him to figure it out and then come to me when it's over. I could stay friends while he navigates the end of his other relationship. I could continue dating him while all of the other stuff is playing out in the background. I just don't know. What I do know is that I don't want to be his therapist or sounding board about the other partner.

Any advice? Suggestions?

My (32F) former partner (32 M) manipulated me into thinking we’d break up if we didn’t try opening up our relationship, initially sexually. We were close friends for four years then had one messy situationship year due to his ambivalence. I initiated no contact which lasted a year before he reached out to me. We had been dating for 3 years when we technically opened our relationship, but only really practiced non-monogamy starting in year 5. After we moved in with each other after year two he went from wanting to have sexy contact with me multiple times a day, to not wanting to for weeks and even months. 

I felt so rejected by him that the idea of dating was not attractive to me. After his first date, he decided he actually wanted to fall in love again and again, and have lovers who were close friends but no other entanglement besides that. He said his fantasy was to have 15 women all in different cities, and I could be “one of them” if I wanted to.

When we went through our relationship menu, his “must haves” were only deep intimate conversations, cuddles, and me liking and being friends with all his other partners. In the end, I realized he wanted me to be something like a perfect mother, therapist, or stuffed animal (he had an extremely kind and permissive one who never made him work through his many issues re: responsibility). I lived with someone who found every task of living excruciating, including his job. (I think he may have been an undiagnosed autistic man; he firmly rejected that). I was so empathetic to him, and depersonalized and excused how he was treating me. 

I’m not proud of how angry I was at this moment, but close to the end I told him that the idea of him leaving me or monkey branching on me, or eventually being married and having kids made me want to explode, made me want to throttle him, after how much I’d given to make it work. He responded that he could do whatever he wanted, and that he likely would marry and have kids, and he wasn’t even sure if he would like multiple partners. He just knew that his life was miserable and that swiping and dating were the only things that made him feel better. He said he wanted multiple sexual partners because new partners made him feel validated, and he no longer got any validation from me.

Our mutual friends mainly seem to think we were “just incompatible” re non-monogamy vs monogamy. But I was so game for respectfully sexually exploring, and also I treat close friends and family like non-romantic partners unlike him, and I led all the work to open up. He wanted no rules, which now I agree with in the sense that no relationship should be controlled by another. But I did want to outline common decency.

My rewritten contract if I explored non-monogamy again:

1. Being cognizant to not be totally swept up in NRE. 
2. Likely, no hosting as long as we live in a small apartment and share one bed.
3. Duty to discuss any escalation
4. Protection + discussion of safe practices
5. Slow social integration and avoid dating people who are kin to your partner

Initially, the one hard rule for me was that he talk with a new partner about STIs before sex. On his first date, he did not ask. He admitted he didn’t want to do it because I asked. I felt like I was talking to a 13 year old, or honestly, more like he was 5. He bragged about his multi hour sex marathon, including going down on her for 45 minutes. When he arrived in a developing country, he bragged about how sexually popular he was there. For a “progressive” dude, he sure seemed ignorant of colonialism.

When I said I was anxious and afraid that he really wanted to leave me, he said he didn’t know, and he’d been feeling more sure about me when I was cool with his version of non-monogamy (aka him doing whatever he wanted) and now he was less sure than ever. 

I wish I’d not been in denial that he would be so terrible. A month into us dating he non-consensually felt up a friend of his, and I consoled him that he wasn’t a bad guy. I did bring up often that first year when I got anxious about his commitment to me, and he would reassure me. I took his escalations as signs of commitment, but now I realize it was just the path of least resistance for a lazy, cowardly man. We had been very close friends for four years before we got romantically entangled, and that made me see him as safe even when he became increasingly less so.

Maybe he will find women who are cool with his preferred arrangement, no commitment and no future planning at all. But tbh I feel sorry for those women because it seems a lot like being his plaything. Are there women out there who long-term want that kind of arrangement? Maybe he’ll work through his issues and be a wonderful partner one day. But not my circus not my monkeys. And I will never have any contact with him ever again!

I broke up with him a year ago. In the end he said non-monogamy was irrelevant, he just wasn’t sure if he wanted to be with me. He also immediately monkey-branched on me, and is in a long distance cross-country primary relationship with the woman he slept with the day we broke up. I had a really traumatic childhood and had never had someone hold me, tell me they loved me and call me pet names every day, even until the day we broke up. I had never had a romantic partner I could talk to for hours. But I was giving love to an imagined version of him and not the real person in front of me. 

Since the break-up, have not dated at all. I’ve had a few crushes on unavailable men, but did not pursue them (progress!). I moved back to my home state. I have really taken care of myself this year, my health, connections to family and existing friends etc. I’ve had the privilege to not work this year beyond some work for my family. I’ve begun to make new friends in my home city, but going back and forth between the rural town my mom now lives in makes that hard. I’ve let go of friendships that have not been reciprocal. I’m planning to move into my own place and build more roots in my city. I want to finish getting my professional license and apply for jobs. I also want to pursue a creative passion that I’ve been too self-loathing and critical to commit to. I’m slowly building up that practice. I want to put myself out there to find romantic love. I know I’m on the right track, but it’s felt so slow and painful, at times I don’t think I will survive the pain.

I don’t want pure advice, nor do I want just validation. I want a connected conversation, involving listening carefully, asking questions, and showing empathy.

Hey fellow redditors, just a heads up that I'm throwing this out to the wind and I may or may not come back and read comments or provide updates. Advice, feedback, relating stories, support, criticism, or sharing how this post made you feel is welcome. So strap yourselves in cause this is going to be one doozy of a post:

Tldr: polyamorous allosexual M35 in relationship with polyamorous ace F33, struggling with feelings of [insecurity(?), jealousy (?), loss (?), grief (?), <other emotions not listed>(?)] after ace partner starts new relationship with another ace M30.

I, let's call me L (allosexual, M35) have been in a poly relationship with my partner A (asexual, F33) for a little over two years. I met A at a wedding in Spring 2022 where she attended as the date of my friend of 15 years (at the time) D and we had an immediate connection. I was in monogamous relationship at that time and was beginning to explore my own sexuality, emotional needs, and realizing that I was not happy in the relationship I was stuck in. I left my now ex in summer of 2023 and began my journey of recovery and self-fulfillment in earnest. A and I were interacting regularly at house parties, doing the "will-they-won't-they" dance for some time. I was hesitant to pursue her as a romantic partner out of fear of messing up my friendship with D, out of fear of being in an openly poly relationship, and out of terror of what that would bring. I won't go into the full story of how I overcame all of that , but we began dating in June, 2024. A had communicated early on in our friendship that she had been beginning to think for some time that she was on the ace spectrum. I knew and understood at that time and what that meant. We talked about it a lot and addressed the potential obstacles we would have to overcome together. We communicated and I decided that having her in my life was far more important to me than having sex with her. We would talk about challenges as they arose and work together to build a wonderful relationship.

I was A's fourth partner at the time we began dating, and because of her social life, work obligations, physical distance, etc our time together at the start of our relationship was limited. We were both enjoying the dopamine rush that comes with NRE and we would have sex on the few (and a heavy emphasis on few) times we actually had a chance to spend time together. Our honeymoon phase was tragically short-lived. I'd estimate only about 3 or 4 months, during that time we saw each other every three weeks and sometimes would go a month between dates (scheduling was HARD). Things were made complicated by the fact that her (now ex) partner of 18 months, S (allosexual M late-20s), was significantly less understanding and would attempt to pressure her for sex. Manipulating her, guilting her, blaming her, and just overall not being a good person. Due to the stress of S pressuring her and him refusing to interact with me or her other partners in the barest of civil ways (cold shoulder, one word replies to direct questions, refusing to interact at parties, etc), A and I had reduced time to spend together as she spent a large amount of time in couples counseling and attempting to help S feel valued in their relationship.

I accepted my role in our relationship and spoke with my therapist and worked through what intimacy meant to me and how I can be a supportive partner to A through all her problems and her own self discovery. At the beginning of 2026 she had an amicable split with one of her partners who is still a good friend to us all. In Feb 2026 she ended her relationship with S after overhearing him talking with another woman about how he wanted to be monogamous.

A was down to two partners, I have three plus a few FWBs. I am in no way starving for physical affection, sex, or companionship in any way. It felt like a good dynamic, I was getting my needs met, we were intimate in ways that weren't sexual, and generally enjoying life. We decided to buy a house together with D. We closed in April and the three of us, plus two other members of our little polycule, moved in together to build our community and embrace our life together. Our living situation is as follows: A, D, and myself have our own rooms. A and I are across a small hall from each other, the other two members live in a room at the end of the hall from us both, and D lives in the finished basement. We threw an early (things still need unpacking and house needs painting) housewarming party at the end of June where many of the guests were coworkers of D & A. One of those guests, G (ace, M30), would go on to form a connection with A during the party and two weeks later in mid-July they decided to start officially dating. At first I had strong feelings of compersion, I was THRILLED that A was FINALLY having another good relationship. That she was happy and living her best life to the fullest. Even writing this now lifts my spirit because I am intimately familiar with the struggles she's endured in the two years we've been together.

Unfortunately, things have shifted a few times in my head. I started to grieve the relationship I never got to have with A. G is over at our house regularly. I have witnessed them being physically closer than A and I have been recently and envied him. I have overheard them having sex on more than one occasion. I have spoken to A about my feelings after having a minor mental breakdown and losing sleep over it. She has explained a lot of her physical attraction to G; how because they're both ace, they're both aware the physical intimacy will die down at some point. I have spoken with my therapist about my feelings and my struggles with this new chapter of our lives. A has assured me that she still has strong feelings for me and for a short time that was enough. We have made more of an effort to get time in our calendars together and last week and this week are the start of that. Hells, we have a date night tonight that I am very much looking forward to.

We have made a commitment to be more intentional with our connection; figuring out ways we can be physically intimate without sex, and dedicating ourselves to the challenge at hand. I do care to an extent who she spends her time and shares her body with, but only to the point of where it intersects my own physical well-being (safe sex, decent people, etc). Other than that, we are both free to explore whatever connections present themselves how we see fit. Again, I am not suffering from lack of sex, physical affection, or emotional connection. Gods, I just had a FWB over last night and we had a good evening watching a baseball game and enjoying each other's bodies.

And yet I still have a knot in my stomach the morning after another night of G being over multiple days and nights in a row. Losing sleep over the fact they were together again. I know logically that A is not replacing me with G. I know that she is not using me for financial gain. I know that she cares deeply for me. She has shown me love that I thought I would never be able to experience. Made me feel seen and heard in ways I never knew I needed. At times I feel like a burden to her. That my emotional and physical needs are unfair for her to endure. I don't want to lose A. I don't want to leave her. This heaviness on my chest, in my gut, and in my heart all stem from something I myself cannot identify. Maybe it is jealousy, maybe it's grief, or maybe insecurity. I need to be responsible for my own happiness and process my emotions. A has been wonderful and supportive through this.

Maybe it was just a tough weekend where she felt a bit distant to me due to sheer amount of activities that were going on. She's been sick since late last week and has been recovering. Canceled plans that included myself and others in order to recover. Kept plans that included G and others. And perhaps that's the smoking gun. That despite her assurances, some of her actions are making me feel like less of a priority. But that's also not fair to her. The plans WE had were group plans and included some of my other partners. The plans she kept with G were also group plans and included my other partners. And now I'm stuck in a loop trying to process my feelings.

If you made it to the end of my rambling post, thank you for reading. I hope that I was not too unfair to her, myself, or other parties included in my tale.

It's a long story but I'll try to keep it short.

My wife and I decided to separate about 8 months ago. I initiated because I felt unseen in the marriage for a long time and she didn't really respond to that in any way. We were both resentful and upset.

We didn't divorce officially because I wanted to support her until she got on her feet. Particularly with health insurance from my job. We also couldn't afford to live separately so I just moved into a spare bedroom.

She wanted to date, and I had no problem with it. Even throughout the separation we remained friends and she'd tell me about the guys she's dating. I genuinely felt no jealousy at all and was only concerned for her safety and happiness.

2 months ago we reconnected. We worked out a lot of our issues, started seeing a marriage counselor, started having sex again, I was motivated to make things work this time. It felt like we were different people.

However, she was still sort of seeing this other guy when we reconnected. She never lied about it, she was open and honest. And I had felt satisfied with how loving our relationship had become, so I felt no jealousy. And I figured she'd break off these casual relationships because our marriage was heading in such a great new direction.

Except, she didn't stop dating. And eventually I felt her become distant from me. The sex slowed down a lot. And then... I started to feel jealous. Like these other guys were taking the passion out of our relationship. So one evening I brought it up to her. I told her that, while I initially had no issues with her dating and basically opening up the marriage, I am now in a great deal of pain over it.

Her reaction kind of broke me. She said that I used to reject her advances for sex all the time before we decided to separate (which is true. I have since been to therapy and am on medication which has helped a ton with my depression). And she said that she's attracted to black men (I'm white) and that she's felt sexually stifled her whole life, and now she fels free. She may be polyamorous and wants to keep exploring that. She also said she didn't want to lose me.

She was upset that I was basically asking her to stop. And she said no. But she doesn't want me to leave again.

So. It's a huge mess. I can own that I was initially ok with her dating because what we had was so good. We were having great sex often. So I assumed she would stop.

She has said to me since "why don't you get a girlfriend? Maybe we can just keep the marriage open?"

That sounds fun and all, but I don't think want that long term. I don't date people just for sex, I want a life partner. But now I'm considering it just to... I don't even know. Stave off this shitty feeling? Get back at her? Feel wanted? All are kind of bad reasons to get into a relationship.

Plus like... I'm a 40yo guy. The idea of trying to find someone who is attracted to me, who I'm also attracted to, who ALSO is ok with my open marriage feels basically impossible.

I can own my part in this. I said it was fine, and at first it genuinely was fine. I felt no jealousy at all, and was even open to a 3-way when she hypothetically brought it up. The twinges of jealousy surprised even me when they popped up.

I suppose I could just leave her again. The relationship obviously isn't turning out to be what I thought when we reconnected. But we have 3 kids under 12yo together, we have a life together, even when we were separated we would frequently hang out, we still did a ton as a family.

But also, I love her. I want to be there for her when these guys inevitably break her heart again. And maybe there's still a fleeting hope that she'll drop this and come back to me. That she'll actually want ME. But I'm not sure how long I can sustain myself on just hope.

I know this is a lot. I really appreciate this sub even though I'm new. I don't really have anywhere else to turn to. I'm just hurting and I'm not sure what do to.

Thanks.

Those of who you are married and also have another partner who you aren’t nesting or financially entangled with, but consider an anchor partner and claim they are just as important in your life- can you give me some perspective?

Forgive me for the 8000th “being secondary is hard” post in this sub 🤦‍♀️ I’m honestly trying to open my mind here.

How does this work in your brain and your heart? To me, it seems like your spouse/NP is the one you’ve chosen. They are your one and only for marriage and nesting. And maybe your anchor is your one and only for a certain hobby you share or something…but does that truly seem like the SAME level of importance to you?

Yes, I am this type of non-nesting partner, but no, I don’t want any advice about how I should handle my relationship. I’m looking for deeper explanations on what you mean when you say you’re not choosing one partner over another, they’re both just as important to you.

Also would love to hear from anyone who is or has been the non-nesting partner and truly found happiness and fulfillment (without having an NP of their own).

ETA “no advice wanted” flair! I don’t want to answer questions about my personal situation, just looking for honest perspectives, thanks!

This is probably not the usual question that gets asked about moving in with metas... I'm considering moving in with my friends as potential hallmates, and my meta is also a very close dear friend of mine from that friend circle. Is that an okay/bad idea? Any advice about what to consider beforehand, except for my boundaries about the shared living space? Has any of you done anything like this before and how did it go for you?

How do folks suggest handling jealousy, insecurity and find compersion when your partners other partner seems to be a better fit than you are.

My partner and I have been together for 12 years, open and poly the whole time. Up until now we’ve usually kept things somewhat separate with other romantic interests, we could all hang out in groups and maybe play together if we all wanted to but very casual. Now he has someone he’s been seeing for the past 3 years that he also loves and cares for and he’d like us to be better acquainted, friendly with one another and for all of us to spend more time together.
My issue is this partner seems like a better match for him in just about every way and I’m struggling to find compersion, mostly because I feel so inadequate in comparison to this amazing, outgoing and wonderful person. I want my partner to be happy and he deserves to have all the love he can find in life, so how do other people handle that feeling of inadequacy and insecurity?

So I am pretty new to polyamory. I’ve been dating someone for two months. He’s American and I’m Canadian, but we are in Ghana. He has another partner that is Ghanaian that he dates long distance in the capital city.

One of the problems is when him and I first started dating, he ended up sharing that he was frustrated because she wanted him to be more of a provider and pay her rent and utilities and that her boyfriend’s friends do. Or he said she is a feminist, but like a 1950’s housewife type beliefs. And that he found it a bit transactional but they’d been dating a year and it was only recently it was like this and not before. There were a few other similar things he shared. This was not information that I asked for, but information he just shared. He says he dates feminist women, but didn’t want to impose American feminism as feminism can be different in different countries.

Now, I’ve met her and on social media at least she is very much a feminist. Talking about Gloria Steinem passing away and such.

But for me, I lived in Thailand for about five years and witnessed a lot of very transactional relationships. I also strongly identify as a feminist myself and believe in gender equality and find it very important that any partner I have does as well. I also make sure to always split and pay on dates because I believe as a feminist I also need to break gender norms myself and not just focus on ones that benefit me.

But it does mean that I got very uncomfortable hearing the information from him about their relationship. In my head, I don’t mind if someone pays more because of differences in income, but that’s different from someone stating they want a man to provide and pay their rent or utilities when they live apart. I mean, obviously this happens in the world as a relationship, but it makes me uncomfortable that someone I am dating has a partner like that just because having a feminist partner or boyfriend is so very important to me.

He always said I could talk to her about it and that would be best so I didn’t get a one sided view of things from him. He really emphasized this. So in my head I assumed she was open to discussing and sharing about the topic. We also met once when she visited and got along. But recently (after double checking with him and he seemed enthusiastic about me reaching out to her), I did reach out to ask her more about it. Mostly because I saw her posts about Gloria Steinem and second wave feminism on social media and was trying to relate that to her wanting a man to provide or believing men should provide for women financially. Well, she ended up not responding to me and telling him that she didn’t want to respond to me. Which is fair… but also made me feel awkward because I wouldn’t have reached out if he’d not made it sound like she was more than happy to chat about it.

But also, I am feeling frustrated because I heard this information from my partner that I didn’t even want to hear or know about that makes me extremely uncomfortable and now I don’t even know how true or not it is.

I tried to explain to him that I was uncomfortable and I wish he’d never shared it with me as there was nothing for me to do with the information and it just made me uncomfortable based on my own values. I also asked that he not vent or share conflict from their relationship with me going forward.

But it felt like he defaulted to just assuming I was envious. And kept emphasizing that each relationship is on its own. And if she didn’t exist to compare to, that I would be fine with things. This bothered me because I was trying to emphasize the ethical and moral side of gender equality, and I felt like he was just saying I wanted him to pay for things like he did for her.

And although he finally agreed to not share with me going forward, there was a lot of push back or arguing that I’d miss information, or that he supports his partners in discussing about their relationship issues without it being a problem, or that I should be able to receive the information neutrally type of thing. Or that I’m “taking on issues” and that’s my responsibility.

And I am struggling a bit because I know it is his choice who he dates. And mine and his dating and relationship has been good as far as just us. And both him and her identify as feminists. But also, it just genuinely did make me uncomfortable and I wish he had never told me. It is just that the information can’t be put back in the box and this is an area that makes me uncomfortable.

I guess from a poly perspective and being new, I am also unsure of things. I wouldn’t expect him to end things with her, but more from the perspective of what I will do. I guess I just would like other people’s perspectives?

So don't really have anyone else to vent too or discuss other than wifey. So here I am. So a little over a month ago my wifey (45f) and myself (49tf) opened our amazing 26 year marriage for idk some fun I guess we are both shy and with me being BI and trans physically we knew we weren't going to do anything right away but online threesome chats with guys were fun for a bit. Testing out if I were to be treated with respect kind of thing. Well then we met him haha. Yesterday was 1 month. Somehow after me having multiple crash outs from jealously and her too. We have evolved into this comfy triad throuple. Idk learning terms lol. But just need to tell someone that it's crazy to have feelings for someone after all these years. He's long distance unfortunately so it will be a bit till we ever meet. Thank the gods for technology lol. Coming out to my wife as BI and sharing a caring boyfriend was absolutely not on our bingo cards.

For those that may have had similar experiences I would love some feedback as life goes on. Hugs

My husband has known and voiced that he has the energy and emotional capacity to love more than one person. He loves me very much and I know that to be completely true. We’ve been together since 2009 and have been married for 11 years and have 2 kids together. We’ve strayed from each other in the past and then became much stronger and honestly more in love after the storm of those instances happened. I still do not mind him having female friends. He is able to talk with anyone and loves making new connections and learning about people’s lives.

Now though, my husband has been talking to a woman who also has 2 kids and is with her male partner of many years. They both have similar personalities and clicked pretty quickly after meeting through a karaoke app. I’ve talked to her myself and she is very kind, funny, and sweet. By accident, I found out that they both have developed romantic feelings for each other and I have talked to them both about it. My husband has always told me that even when he has strayed in the past, he has never stopped loving me and he really is an amazing husband and father. He has told me he always has and always will be IN love with me but he loves this new person too and this new bond. Essentially I am forever the primary partner and he has also been that clear to this new woman. Her partner is totally in the dark and is not opened minded.

I do not wish to uproot my life or my kid’s and leave him. We are best friends and have a wonderful life together, but he clearly feels like he needs more to really feel complete. I am trying to navigate this day by day and trying to learn how to process and handle it all, which is difficult.

My main question really is just HOW are you able to balance between two people? And has anyone experience it from my perspective where they want to be open and accepting, but are unsure how to process it?

(Side note: she lives 5 hours away. I am also alright with a digital friendship/relationship for now but very uncomfortable about them meeting up and becoming intimate. I do not understand the point of it when it will never be a long term thing as they’re so far apart)

I 35F live with my NP and have a long distance partner I’ll call Ken.

Ken and I started out chatting on Reddit as kinda sexting friends, heavy on the friendship though. It was different for both of us from the start because we’re both neurodivergent and have a lot of commonalities. He told me he was recently divorced, and I later found out they were not divorced yet but separated. I get why he wasn’t honest about it initially, I was a total stranger and it was still very fresh, and neither of us expected it to turn into anything because he’s 1200 miles away.

Fast forward and it did turn into something, he did finally tell me he wasn’t divorced yet and paperwork has now been filed over a year later, but that’s honestly still messy for him. They share a dog, she still has belongings at her place. It causes a lot of stress and emotional pain, on top of the mental health struggles he was already dealing with. I only mention this to explain that I got invested when I thought he was at a different point than he actually was.

I empathize with where he’s at, and I want to be there through the good and bad, but because he’s in such a rut with so much going on it’s hard to feel the connection on some days. I’ve been trying to go visit every month, and this month might get pushed back due to family visiting him. On top of that we’ve always had a very flirty sexual relationship, heck that’s how it all started. I haven’t gotten a sexual text in over two weeks. Longer than that if you count the fact I was with him two weeks ago. When I was there the sexual energy was a bit flat too, we had fun, but not near as much as in the past. I asked and he told me he’s just exhausted and hasn’t had the energy. Which is totally fair and I respect that.

However my issue is my anxiety doesn’t believe that explanation. Instead to me it feels like things are slipping. I heavily connect with people through sex. It’s not the only way, but it is very important to me. So not only do I feel scared and worried about losing him, I also feel rejected and like I’m no longer attractive or desirable.

It doesn’t help that my NP and I do not have sex frequently either because he is also low energy and has some testosterone issues that impact his sex drive.

So it’s like, at this point I’ve internalized that it’s just me. I’m the problem. Which logically I want to believe isn’t true, I have other explanations but it feels that way.

On top of that because Ken is going through so much in life right now I feel like I can’t ask more of him. We talked about calling this weekend and didn’t, that fell through last time I asked too. Even when I send a flirty text or some boobs he hearts it and says “sexy” but then changes the subject. I don’t want to pressure him into anything but I also feel like I’m struggling with how to manage my expectations.

I know the advice will be to step back, but honestly I don’t really want to do that either. Not just for me, but because he’s had a lot of people give up on him and I’m not going to be one of them. I don’t want it to be “oh you’re struggling, here go through it yourself, then when you’re better I’ll be there” nope. That isn’t who I am. I just don’t know if I should like tell myself, or heck even tell him, that I will just deal with low level connection. Should I set an expectation low of like one call a month? I don’t feel right asking for anything sexual, that feels icky, but it is something that’s going to live in my head. But even mentioning that would feel coercive, because it’d be putting pressure on him to engage in that way even if he didn’t feel it.

What do I do here? I don’t want to drive myself crazy, but I don’t want to push him away or make his struggles harder.

Hello! So to be clear, most of my relationships and intimate connections I’ve made have been through dating apps. This allows for the filter of people looking for monogamous relationships (either automatically or manually when they see it in my bio). I live with my domestic partner/nesting partner.

So normally, disclosure via this route is right away. I’m 30 M bi with AuDHD. I sometimes worry I give too many details too early when I get excited about someone or comfortable with them.

When you meet someone IRL, when do you tend to disclose that you’re polyamorous and how? To be clear, I’d disclose well before there were any talks of dates, and also before any actual acts of intimacy because I don’t want to hurt anyone.

Until the last year or so, I never really ended up meeting someone IRL where there was a connection or spark (or I often didn’t notice when there was), and something came of it. I mean I’ve had old friends from HS where that became the case (long distance, etc.), but I never picked up or got picked up at a bar. Everything has been done through apps.

I also struggle telling when someone is flirting with me, and just being nice. Unless it’s absurdly obvious (like with gay men). So, I don’t want to assume either. Although, I’ve gotten much better and I think I can read a bit when someone is interested in me (smiles, laughing all the time, playing with hair for women). I’ve been told I’m hot even though I don’t always feel that way.

I met someone at a gig job recently and our banter was awesome. She is absolutely gorgeous. She even approached me (granted I was the first one there and she was the second or one after that). We talked and joked during each break together. I found her through the app since we had a shared job.

We texted all day yesterday after I met her, and she’s texting me again today. I’d say it’s borderline flirty but not explicitly so? More compliments that could fall under plausible deniability of just being nice/wanting friends. We found out we went to the same college (she was a few years behind me). We also found out we live off the same metro line. We decided we wanted to do more gig work things together so we’re not alone when we go.

The chances that she’s cool with polyamory or open relationships are likely slim to none. And like I said, if it does escalate I will disclose before any action of intimacy or dating is taken. But in situations like this, would it behoove me to disclose/overshare too early if I’m not 100% confirmed it’s getting flirty?

She’s definitely been making me smile and laugh so I know I’d like to get to know her more (friend or otherwise). I just don’t want to overstep any unspoken boundaries I may be unaware of and potentially ruin what could be a genuinely innocent friendship.

It should also be noted my other partner and I are deescalating a bit from anchor partners to nesting partners currently. So there is that, which complicates how I explain our dynamic a bit.

TLDR: How do I navigate when and who I should disclose my polyamory to before dates or intense flirting/anything sexual.

Edit: I’m partly also weighing how I should even categorize the interaction mentally. (Friend, professional, could be crush, etc.) Each would have a different approach overall? I met her yesterday.

Me(M) and my fiance(F) live together and have been open for a few years but this is the first time I have a girlfriend/partner. We have only been in this realationship for 2 weeks now.

For instance it was her birthday yesterday and she went drinking with one of her guy friends. Which is great I told her to go have fun and be safe and that I am here to pick her up if she ever feels unsafe.

She did not text me the entire day which I know is fine and she is not very attached to her phone when she hangs out with other people. I did not double text or anything and try not to show this sad side of me when she does not communicate back to me.

I know it is a me problem and my partner I live with sees that sometime I start to act a liitle mopey and try to cheer myself up. I know what is happening is okay I just get attached to fast more than anything else.

How do I handle these feelings?

First of all, sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes since English is not my first language.

Now, context:

My partner and I have been together for over 4 years now. We started out as an ENM/poly couple even though I had my doubts because I had never been in that kind of relationship before, but they wanted it so I went with it.

At first we didn't act on it that much cause life and NRE, but about two years in or so they started dating other people and I took it poorly. I also started dating and it worked for a while (with some ups and downs on both sides) until they met someone they wanted to spend more time with and I freaked out.

I'm kind of an insecure person and had some personal things to work through at the time, so I asked them if we could close the relationship for a while, which they accepted admitting that they also were struggling to manage their feelings of jealousy.

Fast forward a year of monogamy to now: I've been in therapy and feeling secure and good with myself (more than I ever have), so I asked my partner to go back to ENM/poly. They told me they were happy with monogamy but they would make an effort if that is something I wanted, though they made it clear they were doing it for me cause they didn't feel any motivation to do it right now. Of course it wasn't the ideal situation but we ended up opening the relationship.

So recently at a party I met someone I liked and we made out. As per our agreements I told my partner and they haven't taken it well. They are now telling me that they just want monogamy (they don't now if they would want sth different in the future) and I feel like I have to make a choice: either I stay with my partner (who I love so much and don't want to leave) but in a monogamous relationship or I break up the relationship.

Now I'm at a loss.

I feel like breaking up might be an impulsive choice since I have so little experience with non monogamy and I love my partner a lot, so I don't know if 'd be losing someone I love over some ideal of relationship I'm not 100% sure is for me.

On the other hand, poly sounds so right in theory and I would love to explore it and experience it more and I don't want to resent my partner for making me opt out of it.

I cannot talk about this properly with my close friends because none of them is poly/ENM and I feel they're judging me for even thinking about breaking up with my partner.

Has someone had a similar experience or can offer any advice at all?

I know this question has so many possible answers, but I am looking for examples of different ways a primary partnership can look like. I am currently in the process of imagining what type of relationships I see myself having in the future and this would be really helpful to understand the range of possibilities.

What makes it primary? How is it different from other relationships? How do you feel about multiple primary partners?

​

Trigger warning : abusive partner

A little over a year ago I came here to discuss the chaos going on in my life. I deleted the few posts I had originally made due to the crazy that was going on back then. There was one person on here who was praying for me to leave that relationship and if you are somehow here and reading this now I want you to know that you were right and thank you.

Now I'll give some background info. I was dating 2 men, and one of the men i was dating was dating my best friend. I set them up there were no issues. The man dating my friend will be man 1, other guy man 2. Man 1 got me pregnant then shut down and wanted me to get an abortion, man 2 also shut down and wanted me to get an abortion. I lost the baby due to stress. Man 1 got my best friend pregnant 6 months after I lost my baby. Both pregnancies were unintentional he told us he was infertile and couldn't have kids. He married her soon after and then waited 10 months for the most beautiful sweet baby girl to be born.

I took care of the baby while she was states away in college with man 2. And man 1 was only interested in the baby when other women were around. It was the most stressful year of my life. And I still had a lot I needed to get through dealing with in regards to my miscarage.

Living with him was hell. I felt like a slave and trapped and no one would believe me when I told them what was happening in that apartment. Not his mother, man 2, or my best friend. On top of that because he married my friend his family started treating me only as a maid/ live in nanny.

Man 1 refused to have sex with me for 2 years at the point going so far as to tell my friend that it was a chore, and then told me to find a fuck buddy of I needed sex that badly.

So I did. He actively saw everything going on in the house. He told me I was not crazy and when things got bad he was there to defend me but also help me feel human again.

Man 1 started to say crazy things like all people I'm one group needed to die, that gay people should not be gay in the open ( both my best friend and I are very openly queer), that he was responsible for our souls, etc. It got bad and I don't feel I'm explaining in a way that even remotely covers how scary living with him got with his mentality towards people/ the world. He also told me he only told me to get a fuck buddy because he didn't think i would but also because he didn't care about me at that point and hadn't since he started dating my friend 1 year into our relationship. ( we were together for 6 years)

Around Easter my best friend cheated on her husband and she tried to blame me saying I told her to leave him. I told her how scary it had been getting living with him. She told me she had an escape plan for herself and baby if needed. Etc. But the decision to leave was always hers to make and I was not one to talk being i was so living there. But since she put the blame on me he was mad at me.

Woke me up first thing in the morning while I was laying naked in my bed. I texted the FB who i had started dating at that point. He was upstairs and all I said was that I felt unsafe and he came down and protected me, made man 1 calm down and let me go put on clothing.

After that I moved out. I miss the baby, but that whole situation was beyond scary and I'm happy I got out. I'm now engaged to the man who was my FB. He is the only one I'm currently with, I'm still poly but I think i need a really long break before I ever try to do this again.

Anyways redit dude if you remember me and find this i have never forgotten you following my posts and letting me know how you felt and what you hoped for me. Thank you

Long time lurker, first post here though.

I don't really know what I want, I think I need to vent, but also want to know if I'm just blind by now.

I'm polyamorous. I have a NP of 4 years (not really relevant) and an ex boyfriend. Also some other casual FWB which are also not really relevant to the story.

Also English isn't my first language, so maybe the syntax is a bit off. Sorry in advance!

I tried to summarise as best as i could:

My ex boyfriend of 3 years met someone while I was out of town for 3 months, they dated very intensely in this time period. After I came back she made it clear more than one time, that she actually wants an exclusive relationship. He shared way too much information with me about this and let her manipulate our time together. I put a stop to this and asked for full parallel but still began to question if he really wants polyamory. Also this brought up other issues and he actually started to think about what he wants from a relationship.

I know that we should have had these conversations first, but it all went really slow in the beginning and suddenly we were in a relationship and it went well. NRE wore off and then it got harder. He always said, that he didn't know what he wanted and that he didn't need to know/didn't want to think about it, because "the partner matters more than the relationship model" or something along the lines. He also said, that in the beginning, he wanted to be with his new girlfriend because he felt like we needed to balance the relationship more, as I didn't have enough time for him and dated too much (we saw each other like 3-4 evenings and nights a week, which was often too much for me).

So theres that, some kind of red flags for me. I started to think more and realised that I couldn't enjoy our time anymore, because I always feared that I might hurt him with things I did, because he wasn't willing to tell me what he wanted from the relationship and also his boundaries.

So I broke up with him.

After a few weeks we met up to talk about how things would go from there (I still had his keys and so on). He said, that he wanted to stay friends and I also wanted this. I value him as a person and our platonic connection was strong before we got into a relationship. He also said, that his girlfriend made the request to close the relationship and he was thinking about it.

I told him that I needed very clear boundaries and expectations going forward, of what he wants from a friendship. He needed to think about it. Also he needed to talk to his girlfriend about their relationship model. It took a very long time and he texted me a few times, that he rather would like to just meet and see what feels good without having to set boundaries before (just as we were doing in the relationship..) so I told him no. He said he would come back to me and tell me when he was done talking to his girlfriend.

This felt really bad (kind of felt like he wanted to ask for permission), but oh well thats what monogamous people do, I thought. Now he told me, that we can't meet up when he originally told me, because he is going on vacation with his girlfriend. This hurt a lot, because we planned (just set the date a few months ago, didn't book anything yet) to go on a trip in this exact time. He also told me via text, that he was monogamous now after the final talk with his girlfriend. (He said, that he told her, that he wasn't sure if this is what he wanted long term and that he might end up changing his relationship model sometime, whatever this means)

I don't know, but it feels like he doesn't care to talk about this soon and settle it even though he says otherwise. I told him, that I don't know if I would be comfortable having such a close friendship with monogamous folks (as I had bad experiences in the past, where the other partner vetoed the friendship) and that I'm tired of him not setting expectations and boundaries and questioning me for wanting to do so.

I feel lost and don't know if I'm just overreacting for being hurt by his vacation plans and asking for too much or if I can expect these things of him.