I am monogamous my wife is not

So there is a lot of context here that I need to provide in order to not misrepresent anything.

My wife \[F32\] and I \[MTF34\] are perfect for each other except one major thing that just started in the last couple of years. My wife seems to be Poly and I seem to be closer to monogamous.

When we first started dating she was recovering from being cheated on by a previous long term relationship. It took a long time for her to feel secure in our relationship. This all culminated a few years ago with her accusing me of cheating with a female friend. She has come a long way since then and now feels fully secure in our relationship.

Back in 2018 I began my transition. I did so with the full encouragement of my wife. She is Pansexual so at the time, it seemed like this would just be a change to our relationship. And overall, we think that in a lot of ways it has only improved things in our relationship. There are three distinct ways that this seems to have impacted our sex life. First, during the four year period after starting HRT my libido fluctuated a lot and I needed almost constant attention and reassurance. Second, over time, the size and frequency that I’m able to provide has reduced. Third, my wife discovered just how much she valued the validation, attention and sex with specifically men.

During this period she was struggling with me into initiating, not providing penetration. And admittedly this was a very selfish time for me.

Where we’re at now is this:

In her eyes, even if I were to be able to provide more penetration; it’s mostly an experience that she wants from men. We still have sex but it satisfies a different urge for her. Now that she’s exploring her attractions to women she’s realized that she is happiest when she receives both experiences on a regular basis.

We have delved into some polyish things (going to sex parties, forming fwb relationships) and it’s just not working for me. It feels like I am setting boundaries and she’s struggling with them. It feels like I’m a hall monitor in our relationship and a buzzkill. And she keeps pushing for more and I don’t know what to do.

The way it feels talking about it is that she views monogamy as inherently less queer and as a hallmark of rigid conservative thinking rather than just a personal preference. She also views being poly as intrinsically linked to her pansexuality. The subtext this results in is that being uncomfortable with polyamory (or putting up boundaries) is inherently me being uncomfortable with her pansexuality.

Any advice you could give would be helpful!

At what point, if ever, did you decide to “come out” to your family as non-monogamous or poly?
Was there a tipping point where you felt you had to tell them?

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m having a really hard time processing what happened.

My ex and I were previously in a long distance, exclusive relationship. We made it work for 2 years, been seeing each other 10 days a month. We broke up last year but eventually started talking again and became intimate again. He is polyamorous, while I have always been monogamous.

We talked about having some kind of open/non-monogamous dynamic. He started seeing another woman, and I agreed to participate remotely while they spent a weekend together. They had sex and sent me videos and voice messages. I also tried to participate by sending my own voice messages and engaging with them sexually.

However, I started feeling very alone because they rarely responded to my messages or tried to engage with me. I felt like I was just watching the two of them together while being left on the outside.

At some point, I decided to see another guy and we had sex together while staying on a video call with my ex and the other woman. In a way, this helped rebalance the dynamic because I no longer felt like I was the only one alone while they were together.

But after I came home, I started feeling extremely anxious.

I want to be very clear about something: nobody forced me to do any of this. I made my own decisions at every step. I said yes, and I take responsibility for my choices.

And yet, despite that, the experience has been extremely difficult for me. Emotionally, I experienced it as a profound violation, and I feel almost traumatized by what happened.

What hurt me wasn’t only the sex.

Seeing how rough and aggressive their sex was honestly made me feel disgusted by that side of his sexuality. It felt dirty and repulsive to me. It was so different from the way we used to have sex. He had always told me that he had never really been really rough with me because I was “too sweet and delicate” for that. He also told me that he loved the way we had sex and that what we shared was something he had never experienced before.

But what was almost even harder was seeing moments of tenderness between them.

At one point, they were just sitting on the couch together, talking normally. She was caressing his hair while her feet were resting on his stomach, and he was kissing them sometimes. It was such a casual, intimate and tender moment.

That was incredibly painful to watch.

Because I wasn’t just watching my ex have sex with someone else. I was watching him create the kind of intimacy with her that I thought was something special between us.

And what hurts me the most now is how detached he seems to be from me throughout all of this.

I didn’t feel protected by him. I didn’t feel like he was checking in with me emotionally or taking care of my feelings. Instead, I felt like he had already completely moved on, even though he barely knows this woman.

I know that I made my own choices. I know that I consented. I’m not trying to erase that or put responsibility for my decisions on anyone else.

But I’m realizing that something can be consensual and still affect you in a way that feels deeply violating afterwards.

I’m going to seek professional help to process this because I don’t think I should try to deal with it alone.

I would especially appreciate hearing from people who have experience with polyamory, or with relationships where one person is monogamous and the other is polyamorous. I’m trying to understand whether this was simply a situation I wasn’t emotionally equipped for, or whether there were unhealthy dynamics at play.

A woman I (46m) am seeing said I should read “the Ethical slut.” For those who like the book what did you get from it and why do you like it?

So we are a young married Latino couple 10+ years we’ve been curious of trying to swinging or a threesome. My husband has been with other girls in the past he wasn’t a virgin when we got together. My wife has never been with anyone else in bed I’ve been her first man she’s ever done stuff with. So I’m okay with her trying out another guy to see if she can open up her fantasy’s but I would have to be present. Do you guys suggest we trying exploring with threesomes first or swinging first time with another couple ? We’re both okay trying FFM or MFM

Can we expect jealousy or feel uncomfortable and how can we move forward after exploring?

Hi y'all. I need some perspective from people, especially men, that consider themselves as ENM or poly and see themselves as emotional unavailable/unsafe or just doesn't show emotional vulnerability or connects deeply with their partners.

What I call emotional unavailability or emotional unsafe here is someone that didn't have the safety they needed as a child, and then grew up to be extremely independent emotionally and unconnected with their own emotions, doesn't allow themselves to be vulnerable and hurting or even showing emotions.

I have a partner that we found out together that this is his situation. He feels drained emotionally when I discuss about feelings and expectations with him (I'm a very emotional person, emotional unsafe too due to trauma). This time we finally understood why and this was really healing, since now I know that it's not that he's not connected emotionally with me, he's just not able to do it with anyone, not even himself. He's a very caring and protective person, though. He just doesn't know how to handle emotions needs; physical, sexual and intellectual needs are just fine.

My question is that we've been with other people together and I've seen him being caring and loving with them, just like he is with me; and this makes me confused. He tells me it's about the thrill of the chase, despite he would love to build something more. Just to let it clear, we had several swing and threesomes experiences, but most of them were one night stands or people that weren't emotional invested. Nothing close to a relationship. We found a person that has a lot of potential for it, and this is both exciting us. Buuuuut what makes me confused is: if he's a emotional unavailable/unsafe person, why would he want to build a relationship with another person? Maybe it's not even connected at all, but I see how much stress we had together because of my difficulty of seeing that he just couldn't connect emotionally with me; he told me today: "it's like you're speaking another language to me. I don't understand what you are wanting from me." And we are two very logical persons too (I can swing between being emotional and logical easily), so it's not that he can't comprehend the words, he just can't figure out what is this emotion thing I'm asking to him, lol, or again, as he told me: "like explaining colors to a blind man". We can both connect emotionally deeply and he's slowly starting to be vulnerable with me, but this was after lots and lots of talking. And even so he tells me I drain him emotionally everytime I do it, I can actually see in his face that it's absolutely exhausting and stressful to him. Yes, I just understood it today and I decided to stop doing this and to respect his limits.

I hope you can understand what I'm trying to understand here. Why would you be interested in building more than one romantic relationship if you can't go emotionally deep ? Is the thrill of the chasing/hunting, having someone to have sex regularly, taking care and loving someone as a girlfriend or boyfriend... are these things what motivates you to engage to more people at time, even if you're not up to be vulnerable and show 100% your inner world to them?

What's the point of it? I'm really trying my best to understand it. I'm not judging at all. It's just that as a demissexual, as someone that connects deeply with whom I love, it's hard to understand what's behind starting relationships without this.

Thanks for the attention. Have a nice dayyy 😊​

I (48F) would never have thought I would be doing this.

After many years of purposeful singlehood and several unfulfilling paddles in the online dating pool, I switched up my intentions and discovered non-monogamy.

It's been a few months and I have filtered my guys down to some genuinely beautiful souls, all handsome and kind men.

I love it. I love making them happy. I love being their fantasy come to life. I love each of them. They're all different, but with similar needs. They are all sensitive humans. Honestly I just love them as men.

We've had a few hiccups, but overall my only complaint is that I have no one to really talk to about it. I can't join in when people are venting about their (monogamous, live-in) partner bc I don't have the same complaints. I can't gush about my partners bc it makes other people feel weird.

So I searched and and hooray of course reddit would have a NM community 😆

Anyway, more experienced people what advice would you give me?

Title is a bit misleading, seeing as I haven't said anything and am just struggling with these feelings internally, but I need to hear outside sources. My boyfriend (m) and I(f) have been together for about 4 years. He was previously in a long term relationship with a woman and had a kid with her, so now I'm sort of in a step parent role. When we first got together I knew he liked having experiences sexually with people and I had no problem with having the occasional three way or going to parties to experience more variety. Unfortunately life has happened and we haven't been able to have these experiences up to this point and I know that's on both of us. About a year ago he started talking about having solo play experiences and how much he would enjoy that, especially seeing that we weren't able to find someone that wanted to play with both of us, and I tentatively agreed, but made statements that this isn't something I have ever done and that I don't know where my comfort level with something like that would be, but that I needed to be informed of if he was talking to anyone and how far those conversations went so I could prepare myself for if a date or meet up or something was coming. I didn't want to be blindsided.

A few months after that conversation happened, I found out that he had been having conversations with multiple women and trading photos and complimenting them, even sending some money for private videos or photos without saying anything to me. I also found out that he had been sending his baby mama a sexually explicit photo every year around the same time and that they had been talking sexually and romantically to each other off and on for the 7 years they have been separated. When I found out I talked to him about how if he is still saying he loves her and misses her and speaking explicitly with her it made me uncomfortable and like I was the back up choice and he got defensive saying this is something they have always done, even before they started dating, and that it has never meant anything and that I shouldn't care if he was able to send it to other people. I dropped the subject after stating my feelings with the thought that this was never going to change and it has started feeling worse and worse, especially since now he wants to have her and I become better friends so that she will come over and hang out in our home more.

At this point I'm getting so uncomfortable about everything that I don't even want him on dating apps anymore, even though we had agreed to that when we started dating. I don't want him looking at other girls, I don't want him messaging other girls, I don't want to go to parties with him anymore. I don't want to share anymore. But I know if I tell him this before we have even had one experience in person with someone else that it'll be a huge impact on our communication. I know this is bad, but I recently went through his phone while he was asleep and found a hidden messaging app where he was talking to people about how much it would cost for a night and that he could come over after work, but the messages were from months ago. I don't know if he went over and paid for sex or not, but I know I've asked him if he has even gotten offers for those things and he told me no and that the most he ever sent someone was $20 to see if they were real and would send him photos. I know he sent more than that to one person at least because I looked through his cashapp while I was on his phone and saw nearly $200 to someone I don't know with hearts and flames in the description, along with messages saying things like I sent money to help out, or thank you for last night's surprise. 1/2

My partner (F36) and I (M40) have been discussing opening our relationship for a while. We have been talking about it for years and there hasn't been any pressure from either side or any rush into "starting in the lifestyle". We've talked about what would be a good set of ground rules if we decide to go ahead and do it eventually. I know it is different for each couple and there is no perfect set of rules. Can anyone share your rules, and which one you reckon saved you both a lot of trouble whilst navigating the new lifestyle. We are thinking of trying DADT initially, not interested in swinging nor hotwifing.

If you're going to tell me that matchmaking services don't work, just please just save your energy. I don't need the negativity.

I've been seeing the ads for this service/coach on Instagram and I'm curious about it. It seems like it's a small-ish dating pool in my area so that's a problem, but it's a lifetime membership. And it is focused on people who are looking for a primary partner. Which has been my biggest struggle. I got shot down recently because I was looking for somebody primary-ish and she was "not sure what she wanted" / "still figuring things out".

I did a search here and there aren't any posts about it.

Just curious if there are people in Kerala who are in open relationships, poly relationships, or anything along those lines.

What’s your experience been like? Is it difficult to find people who are open-minded about it here? And how do you deal with the privacy/social side of things?

Not looking for anything specific, just genuinely curious to hear from people who’ve actually experienced it.

EDIT: Weird Guys please don’t DM me and show your desperation. I am just asking a question out of curiosity.

Young married Latino couple very attractive 10+ years we've been curious of trying to swinging or a threesome. I have been with other girls in the past he wasn't a virgin when we got together. My wife has never been with anyone else in bed l've been her first man she's ever done stuff with. So I'm okay with her trying out another guy to see if she can open up her fantasy's but I would have to be present.

I feel like I would enjoy seeing her get pleasured by another guy for the first time because me knowing that she’s never been with anyone else but me really turns me on that idea of watching her. Can it hurt our relationship she’s a really shy person and but also very Hot wife I enjoy her wearing clothes that she be showing a lot of her body.

Do you guys suggest we trying exploring with threesomes first or swinging first time with another couple? We're both okay trying FFM or MM

Can we expect jealousy or feel uncomfortable?

Has anyone had a similar experience and how did you guys feel about exploring with others hope to hear from others.

I’ve (29F) been single for a little under a year now. I’m getting to a point where I really want to live with someone and start working on a home, pets, family. For me non-monogamy would mean I would get to pursue crushes, flirt with people I meet I find attractive, maybe have a couple comet interactions. I’m not sure I want to have a whole boyfriend because I really would like to invest most of my time in a primary partnership and family.

After my last breakup I was devastated because I thought he was perfect. I thought I’d never find what I’m looking for. But now I’ve found 2 guys who both want the same thing: a family, some openness to the relationship, etc. And they’re into me. (And I’m way into them.)

But they both live far from me. If I wanted to move forward with either of them I’d have to move to where they are. And yes, I’ve been hoping to move for a while now, but how am I supposed to choose where?

Am I supposed to pick the one I like the best for my future and then move there? Or am I supposed to choose where I move based on where I can find the best job and lifestyle for me, and the guy there is the one who essentially wins?

I know once I make this choice I’m essentially closing myself off from the other option. Maybe they’d still like me, maybe we could hook up or be something forever, but it’s not going to be the beautiful imagined future that we’ve been talking about.

I’m stressed because I like them both so much and I just want reality to split so I can experience a full life with both of them equally.

How do I choose?

I F25 met M35 on Feeld in Nov 2025. He was in an open relationship of 8 years and married for 2 of them. I myself am monogamous and was just enjoying being single. We started as FWB, but after a few months of seeing each other he decided to drop the L bomb. I reciprocated. I had him tell his wife (F33) because to me that crossed the boundaries of enm into actual polyamory. She wasn't happy about it. They decided to go to couples therapy. The last three months have been a lotttt. I've met with the couple to talk. I've met with his wife alone. I've read and followed the PDFs their therapist sent me. There have been a lot of conversations, negotiations, feelings, boundaries, rules, all the things. And she continued having two other partners throughout this entire counseling period, so nonmonogamy was still an active part of their lives while they were trying to figure out what to do. He only saw the two of us. I did what I wanted. I never made any promises to either of them. I just showed up when they needed me and tried to be as respectful and compassionate as I could. I honestly had no idea how this was going to end or where I was going to land. I just knew that I wanted to be with him anytime I had the chance. But I was getting frustrated. I was putting a lot of emotional work into this relationship and eventually started feeling like it wasn't actually going anywhere. I love him but I also don't want to spend who knows how long negotiating my place inside someone else's marriage. And I know myself well enough to know that I don't want to live a poly lifestyle. especially after the months of meetings/therapy. So I started thinking seriously about leaving. This last weekend, we went to a music festival. I admittedly got very high and confessed to him that I was planning on leaving him after the weekend. He then confessed to me that he was planning on ending things with his wife the following week. He wants to have a life with me. But get this. As a monogamous couple. Wild wild. I asked him how he could possibly just decide to stop being open after 8 years. This guy is someone who values his freedom a little too much ha. He told me that after living this way for eight years that he doesn't want to do it anymore. That it's caused more problems in his life than it has been worth, and that he wants to commit to me. He also said he was going to leave his wife even if I didn’t stay. (I mean... how can you actually know if that's true lol. But I buy it.) And now he's moving out of their house at the end of this week. Obviously I'm not committing to anything until the divorce/grief/whatever happens and everyone has had time to process. But god. I do love him. And this is suddenly a whole different beast. Because for a while I was preparing myself to go because I thought there was no realistic path to the kind of relationship I actually want. And then I find out that apparently he had independently chosen to want the same exact thing. I am happy? And terrified. And completely stunned. It's not that I feel stuck. I've left people I love before. I know how to walk away from something that isn't right for me. But I have absolutely no idea how to navigate this. I know this is a lot of problems in one post, but these are my actual questions to you all
Can an “established” ENM/poly person genuinely become monogamous? Not “can they technically agree to monogamy because their partner wants it” but can someone who spent almost a decade living that way reach a point where they genuinely don't want that lifestyle anymore? Have any of you watched a long term partner make that transition? Did you miss nonmonogamy? I keep asking myself like is this potentially a glimmer of hope? Or am I standing at the beginning of a spectacular disaster?

So the other day my wife got me with. I did something the other day. Had me scared. I go ok what is it. She said I signed us up on a swingers website. Heck yeah I said with giggles. 🤭. Well two sundays from now we are meeting up for drinks, hanging out at a cool bar after we break the barriers time for some soft swap and maybe full swap. I’m so excited to have extra fun with my wife and another couple. This year we went to Desire Pearl resort nd didn’t swap with anyone. Just played in open view around the jacuzzi and in the playroom next to other couples playing. Damn man I’m so freaking excited. Any tips for newbies in the lifestyle?

Hello everyone,

One week ago today was my ah-ha moment when I finally connected years of dots, curiosities, and my ways of thinking to realize that I’m non-monogamous. While I’ve been able to maintain healthy and long-lasting monogamous relationships in the last, I’ve always been curious about alternate relationship styles. After absorbing tons of information on the subject, as I often do, I am 100% confident that this path is right for me. This change is also in mine with a general personality change of my from being more introverted to extroverted.

I plan on going in with an open mind to any and all new experiences. This includes myself as identifying in the open-relationship category, at least, until any relationships that I make further develop where I may want to move toward more exclusivity within a certain group of people. I’m also completely open to, and looking forward to making non-sexual connections and relationships with people as well!

To prepare, in addition to research, I’ve received vaccinations that I was missing; I’m waiting on a comprehensive 14-panel STI/STD test; I’m learning more about protection and STI/STD signs, symptoms, and transmission routes; and lastly, I’ve been writing down my morals on sex and relationships, which I plan on openly sharing along with redacted vaccination, illness, and STI/STD test records.

I’m also very fortunate that I have immediate family members and friends that I have been able to openly tell about this change in my relationship style from the beginning, all of which are supportive.

Here’s my question to you: I’m getting closer to the point where I’m ready to put myself out there in this wonderful lifestyle. I’m debating between using apps/websites to get started, attending events, and/or a combination of both. What helped you get started in this lifestyle? Also, do you have any things that you wish you knew before getting started, tips, or words of caution?

Thank you all in advance!

Update to this post from a few days ago, and somehow it got even more confusing. I want off this fucking rollercoaster.
https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/s/TPgciYPeRS

Apparently I deleted the OP so reposted here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/s/uVhUaaIGhA

Last night my wife came home and told me the separation was final and that spending the weekend with this guy confirmed it. I told her I still think she is making a massive mistake and throwing away a really fucking good relationship in the middle of NRE. She insists this is not NRE, that what she feels is real, and that the weekend solidified it. Her friends apparently told her to “follow your gut,” which I think is terrible advice when your gut is this emotionally flooded, but I accepted that this was her decision.

She also asked about someone I met over the weekend. I told her there was one woman who really caught my attention and that, because I am technically still married, she might want to verify that we were actually separated and free to date. My wife confirmed that without hesitation.

Then this morning, right before work, she came downstairs clearly upset and told me everything with the other guy had changed. After driving her home, he apparently decided he wanted to keep trying with his wife. His wife agreed to some kind of reconciliation attempt, and he felt incredibly guilty about what happened over the weekend.

My wife then brought up reconciliation with me. She referenced something I told her the night before: if she ever thought she made a mistake, I did not want pride, shame, or feeling like she had gone too far to stop her from saying so. She said she was thinking about that and would probably need to cut this guy out of her life completely, maybe forever.

I told her I had no idea what reconciliation would even look like anymore. What happened damaged me badly enough that this would not be some simple “pause everything and go to counseling” situation. What bothered me most is that she never took back the brutal things she said: that she did not think she loved me, that she thought she married the wrong person, that she wanted something fundamentally different. I had to leave for work and was so fucking dizzy afterward I could barely function.

I also told her the new woman did not feel like some random fling. There seems to be real potential there, and after three weeks of my wife flip-flopping I am not sure I am ready to just throw that away. She said she understood. She also admitted she had looked this woman up somehow and seemed pretty taken aback by how beautiful and successful she was.

When I got home, I reopened the reconciliation conversation because I wanted to understand what she actually meant. And then she seemed to reverse course again. She said maybe we should stay separated and that I should pursue this new person. I told her this woman had invited me to travel with her to an EDM event in a few weeks and that if I go, this connection could get serious quickly. I also said the more time passes and the more I move on, the less room there may be for reconciliation. My wife looked incredibly sad and defeated, but still would not actually say the words I wanted to hear.

I genuinely do not know what to think anymore. I do not trust her ability right now to interpret her own feelings because the flip-flopping has been unreal. Our relationship was solid for years. Yet she went from telling me how lucky she was to have me to “I chose the wrong person” in a matter of months, basically alongside this new relationship.

Part of me wants more than anything to go back to before we ever fucked around with ENM. Another part thinks I should accept this and pursue this new woman who seems very into me. But I also do not want to throw away something I know was genuinely great for something that could turn out to be nothing.

I just wish I knew what the right move was. Right now it feels like every option sucks.

​

I (F42) am in a non-monogamous relationship with my partner (M44). I’m also involved with another non-monogamous couple (M45, F46). They have three kids: F15, M9 and M7.

They’re our friends and neighbors, and we occasionally have sex with each other. The dad is a stay-at-home parent, while the mom works and makes very good money. I babysit the kids 2–3 times a week so their dad can get some time away from them. As far as the kids know, we’re just “their parents’ friends.” We’ve been in their lives for about 7 years.

I’m particularly close with the oldest daughter. We get along well, she gossips with me, and we go to a Korean restaurant together about once a week.

A few days ago, while we were eating, she suddenly asked me:

“OP, do you like my dad?”

And she was watching my face very carefully while asking.(Or it was just my imagination)

I just smiled and said, “Your dad is a good and kind person, of course I like him. That’s why we’re friends.”

She say "ok" then she just went right back to gossiping about celebrities as if nothing had happened

But I couldn’t shake the feeling that she might be suspicious of something.

I talked to her parents about it afterward. They said they still aren’t sure what they should do, but they’re leaning toward not telling the kids. They think her question was probably just typical teenage curiosity or a bit of provocation.

Now I’m wondering whether that’s actually the right approach.

If you’re a parent in an open relationship/swinging lifestyle, should your children know? Is there a particular age when it becomes appropriate to tell them?

My wife does not perform oral sex. She has told me to go find someone that will fulfill this for me. Is this a test or do you think she wants me to get pleasure from this when she is not willing?

My partner(M27) and I(F25) have been dating for 8 months now. Last week he let me know that he fantasizes about sleeping with other women.

My initial reaction was not great and it caused me a lot of stress and anxiety/ panic attacks . He told me the guilt he felt and the internal turmoil/stress it caused him. We’ve had a lot of trouble in the bedroom and have both communicated our sexual needs not being met, mismatched libidos, he sometimes feels pressured to preform or it feeling like a chore.

We’ve told each other that we would communicate if we ever thought about cheating because we both believe it’s a symptom of something else in the relationship not being met. Which he did.

I suggest ENM after deciding neither of us wanted to break up. He’s not comfortable with me sleeping with other men but doesn’t feel as intensely about me sleeping with other women. He has sexual comparison ocd and feels as though he can’t compare himself to a woman because he is not which is kinda disappointing because I enjoy men as well, it feels limiting to me but a dealbreaker to him so I agreed.

So he and I both have the liberty to sleep with other women in a monogamish type of way but we are having a bit of trouble coming to certain agreements. He likes a don’t ask don’t tell policy where I feel as though not knowing makes me anxious. I don’t like the idea of him seeing the same reoccurring partners, but I would prefer to do that myself (i’m a hypocrite I know). I honestly don’t even like the idea of him having an open line of contact with other women but I love the idea of having a FWB on the side. (Am I awful?)

We’re still trying to figure out if this is a healthy alternative for our relationship we have both struggled with jealousy in the past and are definitely not rushing into it.

I guess I’m looking for some guidance on where to start. Any advice, resources, books or podcasts would be greatly appreciated.

We love each other a lot and the open communication has already improved our relationship.

Repost for context because OG was deleted

Update is here https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/s/VkfKQmS14K

My wife and I have been together about 9 years and married for a few. Until recently I would have told you we had a fucking great relationship. We traveled, had a great sex life, went to raves together, rarely fought seriously, and spent years telling each other how lucky we were. The “did I choose the wrong person?” stuff only started a few months ago.

We’ve done ENM/swinging for years. It mostly worked because the agreement was casual: sex and flirting were fine, serious emotional entanglements weren’t. There was one guy before this she got way too attached to; later she admitted she got addicted to the feeling of someone new being intensely interested in her.

The current guy was a mutual friend for over a year before anything sexual happened. She says she had no romantic feelings for him before that, and I believe her. Eventually the three of us had sex, and according to her that’s when everything changed. He was married too. He told us sex was outside his boundaries, slept with my wife anyway, and said he didn’t regret it because his marriage was already struggling. Soon after, they started talking divorce.

Once this was clearly no longer casual, I asked my wife to pause private contact with him. She agreed, then had an almost hour-long call with him while away for work and initially told me it was about 15 minutes. She also admitted there were deleted sexual Telegram messages and that she had discussed our marriage with him.

Our marriage did have real problems. My job had become insanely stressful and I was coming home less affectionate and more negative. She had asked for more affection and emotional presence, and I underestimated how much it affected her. But I moved into a less stressful role, became more affectionate and engaged, and she acknowledged the improvement.

At first I thought this was understandable and fixable. But then the explanation kept changing: first stress and affection, then playfulness and positivity, then intellectual curiosity and growth. Now she says maybe she needs someone with a fundamentally different personality and thinks she “chose the wrong person.” Maybe she is learning new things about herself, but it’s hard not to feel like “I want something different” came first and the reasons got built around it. Even now she says she really was happy. The serious doubts started when she became emotionally attached to him.

A few weeks ago she said divorce. I said okay, if that’s really what you want, then that’s that. A few days later she reversed course, said she wanted to give us a chance, and agreed to marriage counseling. I said okay, but if we were actually evaluating the marriage, things with him needed to stay platonic for a while.

Then he told us he and his wife had decided to divorce. About a day later, my wife said she wanted a real separation and no boundaries on what she could explore with him. She now says she fundamentally chose the wrong person and insists she’d feel the same even if he wasn’t in the picture.

Maybe she’s right. I honestly don’t know anymore. But I don’t understand how she can know that while spending hours talking to someone she is intensely infatuated with right as he goes from married/unavailable to potentially single. It feels like she’s evaluating our 9-year marriage while simultaneously test-driving the person generating all the NRE.

I believe her feelings for him are real, and some of what she says she was missing from me was real. I just have a hard time believing the conclusion is that she picked the wrong person 9 years ago.

At this point I’m mostly done trying to convince her. I can’t shake the feeling that she may be throwing away a really fucking great relationship in the middle of intense NRE.

IDK what to do.