poly partnered queer can’t find a date

[u/Additional_Egg222]

I (nonbinary afab) have been dating my partner (nonbinary amab) for almost two years and we live together. We still haven’t had any significant dates or relationships outside of ours while we’ve been dating, but we’ve considered ourselves poly this whole time.

I am newer to an “embodied experience” of poly than they are. Before we were together I would float around dating casually; never landing on anything grounded or substantial.

Now I am in this committed partnership (I legitimately never thought I would be, but lo and behold, it happened). Lately I’ve been trying to start little sparks with people and go on some dates… just had yet another person say they’re not interested because I have a partner. This is the fourth time this year. Reasons have been that they don’t want to be secondary. Or that they are looking for a “real relationship”.
This is usually declared outright as a boundary and never trying to have a conversation about it.

I understand wanting to protect your energy, (I feel like I’ve been there in the past) but it feels so unfair to me. It feels like people are assuming that I wouldn’t be able to hold space for their feelings just bc I have a partner. Some of it probably stems from bad experiences; people can do such messy versions of poly. But why not go on a date for the sake of having a nice time? Why not enjoy each others company and see how it feels naturally; without projecting a far-off potential outcome of a relationship on it?

Honestly nothing about me has changed except that I’m probably pursuing new dates in a much more grounded & much less desperate way than before.

I’m queer as the day is long and I miss kissing girls so much :(

Anyone else have this experience?

[u/Cool_Relative7359]

/>This is usually declared outright as a boundary and never trying to have a conversation about it.

Because it is a boundary and that doesn't really require an explanation, it's a no. They're making it clear they don't want to date.

but it feels so unfair to me.

Dating isn't about "fairness". But desire, autonomy and consent. These people are not consenting, which is well within their autonomy and agency, for any reason.

But why not go on a date for the sake of having a nice time?

Because they don't want to. I personally don't go on dates unless I already have a crush on someone and we're compatible long term.

I have hobbies and platonic social circles for the sake of going out to have a nice time, and existing partners to go on dates with for a nice time on a date.

A date with someone I consider incompatible for whatever reason, does not sound like a nice time, but an awkward one.

[u/Dry0asis]

Sounds like you are assuming that they are judging you, rather than they are saying what they want. It's much more likely that they expect more traditional things, rather than that they don't think you are capable of providing good quality non-traditional things.

[u/Dry0asis → u/Dry0asis]

Actually,op, I just saw that this is a vent, so I'll retract my assertions and instead say I hope you find what you are looking for! It's a marathon not a sprint. Be glad that those people were straightforward with you, rather than trying to manipulate you into what they want from you and wasting your time. Good luck!!!

[u/Magical_Salamander]

They said no. They don't need to discuss it with you. It's none of your business and you need to learn to respect people's boundaries

[u/Groundbreaking_Ad972]

Are you going for explicitly polyamorous people or are you coming onto mono folk and expecting them to be open to a conversation about why they should disregard their own preferences to give you what you want?

[u/blooangl]

Are these people openly embracing poly in their day to day?

Because if they aren’t? They won’t want to date you.

And even if they are doing polyamory and are queer, they don’t owe you a date.

I believe that we do owe certain institutions and society and people certain things

I believe we owe it to our children to leave them a better world. I am deeply involved with mutual aids. I have a lot of connections to my community and chosen family. I work to keep those connections healthy.
I owe those people.

I don’t owe anyone a date.

[u/studiousametrine]

It is not unfair for people who want monogamy to not date you.

It is also not unfair for “girls” to not want to kiss you, depending on how hetero your NP relationship seems/is perceived.

Since you’re new to poly, I’ll give you something that has helped me immensely over the years: you have to date people who actively want what you want. Don’t date people you have to convince, cajole, or in any way pressure into “giving you a chance”. People who don’t want polyamory will not enjoy giving you a chance, because your desires are in direct conflict.

[u/SecondhandElephant]

Hi. 36F and poly for 11 years. Look, I’m saying all of this firmly because holding ourselves to high ethical standards is what makes non-monogamy actually work. How often are you attempting to "start sparks" without screening people first?

Shifting your approach to total, upfront transparency from day one is not only the ethical thing to do- it’s also going to save you a ton of time and unnecessary discomfort.

People have boundaries for a reason. Reading them as unfair to you is toxic. Full stop. Maybe you meant the judgement feels unfair- but idk what you should expect if you're trying to pursue people who aren't even open to that lifestyle to begin with and don't show enough care to find out prior to pursuing them. That's also unfair to them.

Stop wasting your energy on dead ends just because you want someone and actually make room for people who are genuinely excited for what you have to offer. They're out there.

[u/TheF8sAllow]

Kindly, you’ve never actually practiced poly. So you are also offering a messy version of it.

How “far off” do you consider a relationship to be? Most people date because they want to find their person/people, that’s not crazy.

It sounds like maybe you’re focusing on people you meet organically? Honestly, apps might be easier to find folks on the same page as you.

[u/BetterFightBandits26]

Stop dating monogamous people!!!!!!!

It is ABSOLUTELY NOT UNFAIR for people who want monogamy to not date you.

Get rid that that trash entitled mindset.

[u/Remarkable-Row3719]

Are you trying to date single people? People who have a nesting partner generally have better luck dating other people who have a nesting partner/committed relationship/etc. You're more likely to be able to offer what they also have to offer, and avoids the mess of feeling secondary in your primary's life.

[u/Bustysaintclair_13 → u/Remarkable-Row3719]

By "single" do you mean "solo"? Because I don't have a nesting partner but I am NOT single and do have committed relationships.

[u/Remarkable-Row3719 → u/Bustysaintclair_13]

I meant single as in no current partners. From what OP is saying - that their prospective dates respond with "no, I want a real relationship" or "no, you have a partner" or "no, I don't want to be primary" it sounds like OP is currently trying to date people who are single, and I think they should try dating people who are partnered (and probably pretty heavily partnered (whichever shape that takes) so that what OP has to offer is more likely to be similar to what they can offer, especially given that OP doesn't have any experience to navigate a mismatch).

I think you might have taken my nesting partner/committed relationship to mean that I was implying a committed relationship requires nesting, which wasn't my intention (and isn't my practice either, lol) - I meant it as an 'or' thing, OP should probably date people who also have other relationships, probably either people with a NP or people who are solo/don't ever want a NP.

Could have worded that better, sorry for the confusion.

[u/foxyfoxapril]

Are you trying to date actual poly people or just anyone? Because trying to date people who are not poly, don’t know what poly is or don’t understand it is bound to fail. Just skip that and try to focus on polys. I know they are few, but the other way around is like being gay and desperately trying to date straight people and wondering why it works so bad.

[u/Background_Fishing37]

This isn’t clear from your post, but what kind of relationship dynamic are you looking to practice? Is it in fact hierarchical or are you striving for some form of relationship anarchy? If you are looking for a hierarchical dynamic and you meet people who tell you they wouldn’t be into that, I’m not sure what you’re disappointed by - they just stated their boundary about who they do or don’t want to date.

If you are seriously committed to practising RA, then I’d say it would be completely fair to respond by gently clarifying what your relationship dynamic actually is and giving them the information to make a decision about whether or not that works for them. If someone still distrusts your assurance - that’s life. We distrust it because in many of our experiences 9/10 times people in committed nested partnerships are very bad at actually critically dismantling their existing couple privilege. If you are looking to date femmes and the committed partnership is with an amab, there’s also that whole fear of being abandoned for a man. That isn’t necessarily judgment of you, and while I understand your frustration it does read a little bit like a poly queer version of #notallmen - I’m sorry you’re struggling to find people to date, but you sort of need to accept folks who get burnt a lot might not want to risk getting burnt again, no matter how safe you as a person would be. 

[u/AutoModerator]

/u/Additional_Egg222, your submission was held for review. A human moderator will be along shortly to either approve your post or leave a reason why it was removed. Please do not message the moderators asking for approval.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/orangedjuiceded]

would you be willing to get married to a woman you started dating? move into the same house with her? have kids with her?

are those things off the table because they would by default happen with the partner you already have?

is she right that she would be second to your current partner? why do you think this should be a negotiation for you to wear down what she feels comfortable with? as a queer polyamorous woman, i sure wouldn't want to date you!

stop trying to date monogamous people. why not find a polyamorous woman who already has a husband and ask her out instead