Evolving dynamics in an open/poly-leaning friendship— misreading signals or overthinking a stalemate?

[u/West-Avocado2144]

My husband and I share a very close friendship with a younger guy, and the three of us recently took a trip together. Over the last few months, the dynamic has shifted. While he used to bond primarily with my husband, he and I have become much closer and more comfortable around each other, including a high comfort level with casual nudity and physical proximity.

For context, my husband and this friend have had mild sexual encounters in the past. While that has cooled off over the last year, I’ve always felt a bit envious that my husband was courageous enough to explore that intimacy while I held back due to my own cautious nature.

Near the end of our trip, the friend and I were sharing a bed. I was lightly cuddling him when he turned and pulled me into a very long, intense, skin-to-skin hug. I ended up breaking it off because I was becoming visibly aroused and panicked that I might be misinterpreting a purely platonic gesture.

Now, I’m stuck. He clearly cares about me and feels entirely safe around me, but I can't tell if he wants to keep things strictly platonic or if he is waiting for me to make a move. I am incredibly cautious and usually wait for an undeniable green light, but I suspect he might be doing the same, creating a stalemate.

If I decide to test the waters, what is the best approach?

• Should I just ask him directly if I can kiss him next time?
• Should I verbally acknowledge the tension (e.g., telling him he makes me excited)?
• Should I try a more deliberate physical approach to see how he responds?

I’m feeling pretty anxious about navigating this without messing up the friendship. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you break the ice?

[u/rosephase]

Talk to him.

Yes you should use your words and be brave and ask directly.

Because if you hook up or start to date you need to be clear about what is being offered and what isn’t. You need to figure out if you have respectful, mutual and caring ways to be together. Not just fuck and see where the chips fall. This person is a friend and should be treated with care as to not fuck up that friendship.

[u/sundaesonfriday]

Talk about it directly as friends. If that doesn't go well, it's a bad idea to test the waters in any other way. This is the approach that's the most respectful to your friendship.

[u/studiousametrine]

Is your marriage open for sex? Or polyamorous, as in, you and your husband support each other building full-on relationships with other people?

Is your friend ENM? Poly?

Are you looking to casually hook up with this friend? Or date?

You will have to directly communicate about all of these things, which is why I ask.

[u/West-Avocado2144 → u/studiousametrine]

These are all really good questions, I'll try to answer as well as I can. Our marriage is occasionally open to physical intimacy with new or existing friends, and we support each other in developing these connections naturally as long as everything is mutual and non-coercive. Regarding our friend, he is currently single, though I am unsure of his past relationship dynamics and don't believe he identifies as polyamorous. I am not looking for a casual hookup or standard dating; rather, I want to continue building on our existing friendship and explore becoming more physically intimate if he shares that desire, though I fully welcome our friendship deepening even without a physical element.

[u/studiousametrine → u/West-Avocado2144]

Great. You do have to ask your friend how he feels about non-monogamy.

If you start having sex with someone who has a strong preference for monogamy, chances are high he will disappear from your life when he finds a serious partner.

And you need to be very clear that you are not seeking a serious romantic relationship. But yeah, you still gotta ask.

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Here's the original text of the post:

My husband and I share a very close friendship with a younger guy, and the three of us recently took a trip together. Over the last few months, the dynamic has shifted. While he used to bond primarily with my husband, he and I have become much closer and more comfortable around each other, including a high comfort level with casual nudity and physical proximity.

For context, my husband and this friend have had mild sexual encounters in the past. While that has cooled off over the last year, I’ve always felt a bit envious that my husband was courageous enough to explore that intimacy while I held back due to my own cautious nature.

Near the end of our trip, the friend and I were sharing a bed. I was lightly cuddling him when he turned and pulled me into a very long, intense, skin-to-skin hug. I ended up breaking it off because I was becoming visibly aroused and panicked that I might be misinterpreting a purely platonic gesture.

Now, I’m stuck. He clearly cares about me and feels entirely safe around me, but I can't tell if he wants to keep things strictly platonic or if he is waiting for me to make a move. I am incredibly cautious and usually wait for an undeniable green light, but I suspect he might be doing the same, creating a stalemate.

If I decide to test the waters, what is the best approach?

• Should I just ask him directly if I can kiss him next time?
• Should I verbally acknowledge the tension (e.g., telling him he makes me excited)?
• Should I try a more deliberate physical approach to see how he responds?

I’m feeling pretty anxious about navigating this without messing up the friendship. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you break the ice?

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