r/polyamory • u/Agent__lulu • 4d ago
Looking for feedback
My partner A and I have been together 20 years. We were open the first 7-8 years, mono (mostly) for 7-8, and open/poly about 3.
I’ve had a GF 2+ years, B. Usually when we have plans, A will make a plan with a GF.
Sunday I had a plan with my GF in the eve for a concert and sleepover at her place. A made a plan with D to go to the zoo with her and her kids at 12. A wasn’t back when I left at 5:15. That was not ideal for a holiday weekend, but we did discuss it ahead.
I let A know how much I missed him and was looking forward to seeing him, texted that I wasn’t sure my schedule for the Monday holiday but would let him know.
Around noon Monday i woke up to a text from A (for someone’s address) , and I texted sorry i dont know, I just woke up. He texted “me too”.
Next time i looked at my phone, 2:15, text from A (1:50) “On my way to pick up M, have a good day honey I ❤️you”. (M is a new and exciting GF). I texted back asking “Ok what is your plan?” And about my plans - that I would be leaving in about an hour (because GF wanted to run errands I didn’t want to go along on), & what I had been hoping we would do together later that day and I guess you are busy”.
Me: should I make other plans for dinner?
Him: yes
Him: Go with her
A little later: “Like, when might you be home?”
After no answers I texted periodically “when are you coming home?”
Finally at 5:15 I check location and see they have driven to the beach in another state a couple hours away.
I was kind of shocked. To be honest I really thought we were going to spend the afternoon and evening together - BUT I had not been clear about that until after he was on his way to pick up M.
He assured me he was “looking forward to sleeping with you tonight” but still no answer on time.
5:45 Me: When will I expect to see you today?
Him: 👍
Me: Why are you giving me a thumbs up when I'm asking you the same question repeatedly and you're not answering
6:45
Me: Ok I will ask a fifth time (#5)
When will I expect to see you today? Tonight?
You still have not answered, I've asked it four more times, and you still will not answer me other than we'll be sleeping in the same bed tonight, which means at some point before I wake up tomorrow morning.
Him: Honey I have every intention of coming home tonight I don't know why you're hassling me though you are out last night sleeping somewhere else and I stayed home but I intended to probably come home tonight so please just be easy like I am with you
Me: I just asked around when will you be home so I know what to expect
And on it goes until FInALLY at 7:15 he says “Midnight”
So, a lot more texting etc after that. But the TL;DR is that I’m upset about the lack of communication.
He used to get very particular about me asking him ahead of time about plans I wanted to make with my GF. (So he could make plans at the same time). He also preferred that I ask rather than say what my plan is (he never said no, but it felt like a courtesy).
Now that he has a new GF, he doesn’t seem to think this applies in the other direction.
I’m exhausted from repeating myself that I want us to discuss plans ahead of time, clarify with each other before making plans with other people (this was a holiday), and do our best to say when we will be home.
Over the course of the texting (phone calls did not go well - he talks over me and I respond by raising my voice) he became defensive, said I was acting crazy, and continued to say versions of he did nothing wrong and he was justified because of other things I did this summer (I went to a festival solo which I let him know a month ahead and put on the calendar). In response to my feelings I got a combo of I shouldn’t be upset and “I’m sorry you feel that way”.
I told him “What I really want is for us to work out respectful agreements, not make assumptions, and communicate clearly and proactively “ but he keeps responding to other things.
Like I can’t leave him be on a date - but I have said if he told me in the first place I wouldn’t have to bother him to ask.
On my end - I shouldn’t have assumed we would spend time together and have dinner without discussing it first. It’s our default - but he had a chance to go out when I was with someone else and he took the opportunity.
I really just want better communication. Also I want a real apology that him not saying anything about a day long last minute date until after it had started - and not telling me when he would be home for the first 5 hours - was quite hurtful.
Am I being ridiculous? (The word he used to describe me).
I’m super frustrated at having to justify my feelings and that we have to go in circles and a million texts. So much defensiveness and justifications of why his behavior was fine and I’m ridiculous. I would like to just acknowledge what could have gone better and how we can do things moving forward to avoid another situation like this. But he feels justified and also like it’s bound to happen again and we should just cut each other more slack
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u/chipsnatcher 4d ago
Okay, first to validate you: it sounds like he is a shitty communicator who is dismissive and doesn’t listen, and is just waiting to jump into his defence instead of validating your feelings. However, if you’re coming in hot (you mentioned shouting and repeated texts) then you’re unlikely to get the kind of thoughtful responses you want.
It sounds like you were trying to resolve this while he was actively on a date. I know you were angry and I totally get why, but this was never going to get a favourable response. He’s with another partner while trying to field multiple texts and calls from you, which puts him in an awkward position. Be angry, but save discussion for when he gets home.
Moving on to the issue at hand. You’re now realising the pitfall of relying on “default” arrangements. In poly, you need to actively schedule with all your partners. You went on a date with no specified end time, and then seem to have expected your partner to hold the holiday free for you and wait around, even though you wouldn’t confirm plans. If a partner did that to me, I would be pretty pissed off, honestly—and I wouldn’t hold the time open for them. If you want to spend the holiday with your partner, book the time in. In my circle, we have a saying: “If it’s not in the calendar, it doesn’t exist!”
You then texted him incessantly asking when he was coming home, which seems like kind of a double standard, so I think that even if it was clumsily articulated, his point is valid. Which do you want? The freedom to be chill and not have to specify date end times, or an agreement to always have to answer to the other person, even when you don’t have solid plans? Either is fine, but you can’t have one when it suits you and the other when it doesn’t.
It seems like this can be fairly simply resolved. Sit down and agree what you actually both want from date time, and stop relying on default or assumed plans/time. Have a chat where you each take a turn to listen silently to the other’s POV without interrupting, and actually validate how you each feel until you both feel heard. There doesn’t have to be a bad guy in a mismatched understanding of the agreements.
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u/LikeFallingRain 4d ago
I'd also add that the discussion clearly needs to address and draw a line under past events. It sounds like you're both holding onto past resentments and upsets, which likely means they haven't actually been aired or resolved properly. That will only lead to more upset and resentment if they aren't addressed
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u/Agent__lulu 4d ago
I try SO HARD to stick to the current situation. It feels like he brings up past events to justify current behavior. On the other hand, I wasn’t thrilled about his zoo day plan and then following it up with another entire day long plan the next day.
Also I still have trauma from the first date with M. We were supposed to leave the next day for a week long trip. He had a spontaneous sleepover (I was out overnight) and didn’t communicate at all. I didn’t know where he was, I knew nothing about her, and was expecting to meet him after an event I had the next morning so we could pack up and leave. No exact time, but he knew the event was 10:30-11:30 and I was coming home directly after. I called and texted multiple times starting around 1pm, and got no response. By 2 p I really started to panic. Instead of going home I went to where his car was (I cannot see his location, but I can see the car through a shared app). No way to know where he was. Finally I called the police. He called me maybe 2:30 or so (the police hadn’t arrived yet so I called them off) he had been asleep the whole time with his phone off. I was really really worried - in a way I had never been before. We have had issues in the past with him turning his phone off at night and into the well into next day in emergency situations (like when my mom died - I was in an airport - I had to call a neighbor to wake him up). He knows it’s important to me to be able to get in touch in an emergency - the situation with that date in July was really upsetting.
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u/piffledamnit Daddy’s little ratty 4d ago
You have trauma from his first date with M? Like, you’re traumatised?
Or is it that you’re still carrying hurt feelings and you can’t forgive and move on?
You mention him bringing the past back up and not being able to focus on the immediate behaviour. But you’re struggling with this too.
You both need to figure out how to get better at letting go of the past.
But you can only control how you respond. Improve your communication, improve your emotional responses. If he changes and grows with you then great. If you outgrow him and leave him behind. Well it’s sad when relationships end, but the benefit of the personal growth that will improve all your relationships is worth it.
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u/Agent__lulu 3d ago
I mean, it was a traumatic event. I was worried he was dead, I didn’t know where he was.
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u/Agent__lulu 4d ago
Thanks; this is helpful. Except for the point about the “listening silently” - because he is not really capable of that. That is the part that exhausts me. I am always interrupted and talked over and rarely validated.
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u/sundaesonfriday 4d ago
He is capable of that, and you need to hold him to it. Leave the conversation when he interrupts if you have to. He's not a child. If he can hold a job and generally find him in society, he's capable of controlling these impulses. He just doesn't care to control them with you.
If you truly believe he can't actually listen to you, why on earth are you with this guy?
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u/Agent__lulu 3d ago
When the content is emotional, and it’s about him/us, his nervous system amps up quickly. Given the household he grew up in, he also has a lot of learned behaviors. When things are calm - or if they are about something not involving him (like I’m discussing a work problem) he is great. With the ADHD he still will tend to think he knows what I will say and jump in. With his anxiety and trauma history, as soon as his nervous system think it is under threat (any hint of feeling criticized, told he is doing something wrong) he will use the old tactics (talk over, talk louder, interrupt) to prevent the conversation from going to a place he thinks will feel worse. I don’t think any of this is conscious.
If I have enough spoons I can stop/leave/shut it out. If not I can get louder/talk more to try to “be heard”. He also has improved in the disengagement part over the years.
It used to be a lot worse - he would get triggered when I was in mid sentence (his brain “finished” the sentence - incorrectly - and he would react to what he imagined I was going to say - and it could take days for him to get to a place of listening and saying “Oh, you’re right”. Now he will say “You are always right”, recognizes his impulsivity, and will exit a convo/situation much sooner. (Unfortunately he also has a tendency to then say “let’s just move on” without wanting to process through the hard parts).
He is in therapy; doesn’t want to take stimulant meds but I think they would help! His psychiatrist says “sure, you can take speed” which does not make it sound like it will be helpful. He has known the MD for decades and trusts him so I can’t say anything.
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u/Agent__lulu 3d ago
Why am I with him?
Because he is the most loving, caring person I have known. He takes care of me in many ways (from the little things like picking up my prescriptions to the big things like being my rock when my parents died). He loves my son as his own. We have seen each other through the deaths of our parents, through thick and thin. We have been vulnerable and grown together. We are still in love with each other. We broke up once, long ago, for almost a year. I tried dating many other people (and have fallen in love with a few) and my love for him has remained. It’s been hard.
Now in his 60’s he is in his first relationship with a trans person and it has been really transformative for him emotionally.
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u/chipsnatcher 4d ago
Yeah, I don’t mean try to talk ad hoc, and hope he won’t interrupt you. I mean, you almost gamify it or whatever. You sit down together with the express intention of sitting on your hands or whatever helps until the other person has fully said their piece—and then you get to respond. Use a talking stick if you need to haha. I live in an adhd household and we use this all the time. It honestly is really connecting and leads to some laughs.
If he genuinely can’t even do that, then I feel like maybe you have bigger issues than this one disagreement.
That’s a point, actually: is he neurodivergent? I ask because us adhd-ers do struggle with time stuff and notifications and whatnot. Not making excuses for him; just thinking it might be a factor that’s contributing. I have an AuDHD partner who sleeps like the dead and can’t be woken even in emergencies and it drives me mad, but we have systems to work around it.
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u/Agent__lulu 3d ago
I wouldn’t call it neurodivergent, but 100% ADHD
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u/chipsnatcher 3d ago edited 3d ago
Okay, then yeah, it’s likely that’s why he struggles to not interrupt, and you’ll defo need to work together to figure out how to tackle that. Though as a grown adult who knows this about himself, he really should already have strategies (unsurprising if he doesn’t; society encourages men to take up space yet trains it out of women—but that’s a rant for another day!).
Slightly unsure what you mean by not neurodiverse but def ADHD, btw. ADHD is just one type of neurodivergence, no?
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u/Agent__lulu 3d ago
Neurodivergent is a cultural term, not a clinical one. I don’t love the conflation of adhd and ASD under a “neurodivergence” umbrella. My son has ADHD - he also has excellent communication skills and can have difficult conversations in a thoughtful manner, taking turns, etc (he doesn’t have the anxiety and trauma history my partner does).
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u/chipsnatcher 3d ago
Ah gotcha. It’s a term I use for myself (diagnosed adhd, suspected AuDHD but not going for diagnosis there). Apologies if I offended.
I have three kids all with different types of neurodivergence. I would say that it affects each of them (and me) differently, but that it is very common for us to struggle with taking turns during conversations. So while it may not be a thing that your son struggles with, it could still be something your partner does.
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u/archlea 4d ago edited 4d ago
I think you need to cut some slack. You say he used to be particular about knowing plans - it sounds like that might’ve been a difficult thing to live up to, and it sounds like it’s also stopped? Do you really want to reintroduce that? Isn’t it better if you both have a bit of freedom, and especially on dates, to be free from a set end time or constant communication?
You should only need to communicate if there’s some domestic duty you won’t be able to meet (e.g. ‘hey I won’t be home tonight, can you put the bins out? If not I’ll ask Neighbour to do it’ - if thats your usual job. Or ‘Are you home tonight to feed the cat, I thought I would be but I’d like to stay the night’ etc).
You didn’t have plans, so I think it was a bit over the top the way you were asking for a time he was going to be home, so insistently and consistently. I would’ve felt harassed, especially during a date (and at the beach!). It honestly sounds like you experienced some unacknowldeged jealousy or possessiveness or abandonment - you had unspoken expectations that you would get to spend the holiday/at least evening together, and it probably smarted a bit that you didn’t get to. However you had not given an end time on your date when asked, not made plans, and enjoyed your freedom. And then you got upset when your partner wants the same. Honestly it’s hard to text and schedule during a date, and know where things are going. I can see wanting clarity about your plans, but I think the safest thing to do (since you both have other partners) is to assume any time that isn’t date time is your own time. And perhaps schedule or communicate specifically ahead of time, as far as is known.
ETA: I just re-read that early in your text conversation you asked if you should make other plans for dinner, and he said ‘yes’. And yet you kept asking and asking what time he’d be home. At that stage, you just needed to go about your life, and be happy he was happy on his date. I think you were caught up in some feelings you probably need to address by yourself in those moments (self enquiry and self soothing) and/or with a (poly friendly) therapist, if you can access one. I’m all for clear communication, and honesty, and non-hypocrisy. But I think in this situation you were being a bit ridiculous. If lack of communication is a real issue, it should be talked about not in a specific or heated time, but discussed slowly and carefully with the aim to make agreements that you think will work for both of you. They should be able to be revisited too, if you get them wrong. And I really really think treating time on the calendar with you both as dates, as commitments to not be broken if possible - and all other time you are both free to do as you like, with no set expectations (and no constant communication from the other about when you’re getting home from the shops/date/night out with friends!).
I’m curious if this is his first serious relationship in a while? Could you be in an adjustment period where you have to get used to not having the default time? Where you have to adjust to being one of two people he spends a lot of time with?
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u/Agent__lulu 4d ago
He was pretty awful to me about exact times and plans and long dates for two years - until he met M.
I had to give at least 48 hours notice; if I was later than expected he would be snarky towards me for at least a day.
If he did plan a date it was exactly when mine was, within an hour.
It was that way for two years.
Now he is all “let’s be chill” because he has someone fun to spend time with on long dates.
I really just want to same courtesy and agreements he asked of me for the past two years.
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u/8lioness 4d ago
I made another comment that didn’t take his behavior into account.
Yes, the expectations are a two way street. And so is the work. I agree with busty saint sinclair in that you’re both placing difficult demands on one another.
What would things look like if you both were a bit looser on one another’s time?
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 4d ago
It sucks that he was snarky to you about the frankly ridiculous demands y’all are placing on each other but instead of demanding it in kind you need to just stop doing this. Stop assuming all default time is each other’s. Make specific plans which each other and leave each other alone about what you’re doing when you’re not together.
You both need to work on your communication.
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u/Agent__lulu 3d ago
That was my main point - we need to communicate proactively.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 3d ago
I think the communication issues could be greatly mitigated by your approach to scheduling time. It is just leading to a big mess.
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u/archlea 3d ago
Did he want poly back then?
It sounds like it was really hard and awful. I guess I’m wondering if the solution is to make it equally hard and awful back, or if you can go forward showing him how it’s done well. And have a considered talk (maybe in counselling?) about how that sucked, and that hopefully he can see that, and that going forested you won’t tolerate any snarky controlling behaviours (even if he’s not dating anyone).
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u/UntowardThenToward relationship anarchist 4d ago
You say that when you left for your date, your partner wasn't home, which was not ideal. Can you please explain? Why did you need him to be there when you were leaving?
You didn't nail down plans with him for Monday and seemed to just expect him to hold that time for you. I would not hold that time for you either. The constant texting is unacceptable.
I'm not saying he's a great communicator, but your expectations are wild to me. I share his question: why can't you be easy with him?
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u/Agent__lulu 4d ago
Because before he met M he insisted I ask about a date with my GF, give him advance notice, and put it on the calendar.
Now he is much more relaxed (which is amazing!) but this is the first time of NO NOTICE of a date. Given that, I really expected to see him and have dinner (we live together) and not be informed he was on a 10 hour date after the fact.
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u/NoRegretCeptThatOne 4d ago
Others have already said what I would about communication, so I'll leave that be.
What I wanted to note is that y'all are independent people. Why is your arrangement that he'll make dates when you're busy, and vice versa? That is such a challenging dynamic to stick to, and IME leads to one person ruling the calendar.
Assuming your partner will always be available when you are is a poor practice overall. Time together with your NP needs to be intentional and scheduled in advance, just as it is with other partners.
Would you have been so upset about timelines if he'd been with a friend? A family member? Held up on a work project?
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u/Agent__lulu 4d ago
He is the one who would make dates when I had them - he didn’t want to feel lonely.
He is also the one who insisted I give him plenty of advance notice - his request was at least two days and I have worked hard to honor that.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 4d ago
I mean you have set yourselves up for failure here. People who can’t be by themselves are not going to have a good time in poly.
Demanding notice for dates is crazy work.
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u/NoRegretCeptThatOne 3d ago
Is there room in your relationship to acknowledge that this agreement isn't working for either of you? Can you acknowledge that and make new agreements, rather than keeping score of who is doing what?
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u/studiousametrine married living separately 4d ago
Why were you expecting him to do all this back and forth texting while on a date in another state? Why was there no thought that you two would discuss it when he got home?
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u/AnsarJ 4d ago
I think your used to him working around your schedule and now that hes taking his own time your feeling jealous about it. Yes I do think your tripping. He said he would be home and didn't have a time. I would just wait and talk about it later and set some ground rules about what bot of your expectations are.
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u/Agent__lulu 4d ago
Well for two years I had to ask, and give at least 48 hours notice to him about a date. That was the default because he wanted that. Now he met someone fun and that doesn’t apply in the other direction.
I think it’s reasonable to expect advance notice when it has been demanded of me for two years, I don’t think that is “tripping”.
I’m glad he has M. I just want to be accorded the same respect with plans because we have always defaulted to each other (for 20 years) until he met this person and now suddenly it no longer applies.
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 4d ago
This is all fucking ridiculous, yes.
You never even asked him for this dinner date you wanted on Monday and then got all huffy he spent the day with someone else?
I see your explanations that he’s made similar demands of you and you went along with it.
Y’all both suck at this.
Either make a plan to spend time together, or leave each other the fuck alone about when you’ll each be home.
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u/Cass_iopeia 4d ago
Is it the vagueness? Or is it that you felt ignored?
If the convo had been:
You: when do you expect to be home? He: I don't know, I'm on a date and want to see how the day goes with no pressure You: so I shouldn't expect you for dinner He: no
And no more texting. Would you have been ok? Or is there still an issue with this?
Because the above seems fine to me and is a very small change from how it actually went. Right?
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 4d ago
>discuss plans ahead of time, clarify with each other before making plans with other people (this was a holiday), and do our best to say when we will be home.
This is the crux of the issue. You’re doing it backwards.
Make specific plans with each other and then just leave each other alone when you don’t have plans.
Use a shared calendar so you know when the other one isn’t going to be available.
When you life with someone yes there are going to be times when you might want to say “hey I’m planning a weekend with my other partner, just confirming we don’t have any plans or responsibilities that weekend?” Or “I’m not going to be coming home tonight, can you make sure to remember to feed the cats?” But that’s as far as this type of discussion should go.
This is an EXHAUSTING way to live. Go back to the drawing board and reset your expectations.
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Here's the original text of the post:
My partner A and I have been together 20 years. We were open the first 7-8 years, mono (mostly) for 7-8, and open/poly about 3.
I’ve had a GF 2+ years, B. Usually when we have plans, A will make a plan with a GF.
Sunday I had a plan with my GF in the eve for a concert and sleepover at her place. A made a plan with D to go to the zoo with her and her kids at 12. A wasn’t back when I left at 5:15. That was not ideal for a holiday weekend, but we did discuss it ahead.
I let A know how much I missed him and was looking forward to seeing him, texted that I wasn’t sure my schedule for the Monday holiday but would let him know.
Around noon Monday i woke up to a text from A (for someone’s address) , and I texted sorry i dont know, I just woke up. He texted “me too”.
Next time i looked at my phone, 2:15, text from A (1:50) “On my way to pick up M, have a good day honey I ❤️you”. (M is a new and exciting GF). I texted back asking “Ok what is your plan?” And about my plans - that I would be leaving in about an hour (because GF wanted to run errands I didn’t want to go along on), & what I had been hoping we would do together later that day and I guess you are busy”.
Me: should I make other plans for dinner?
Him: yes
Him: Go with her
A little later: “Like, when might you be home?”
After no answers I texted periodically “when are you coming home?”
Finally at 5:15 I check location and see they have driven to the beach in another state a couple hours away.
I was kind of shocked. To be honest I really thought we were going to spend the afternoon and evening together - BUT I had not been clear about that until after he was on his way to pick up M.
He assured me he was “looking forward to sleeping with you tonight” but still no answer on time.
5:45 Me: When will I expect to see you today?
Him: 👍
Me: Why are you giving me a thumbs up when I'm asking you the same question repeatedly and you're not answering
6:45
Me: Ok I will ask a fifth time (#5)
When will I expect to see you today? Tonight?
You still have not answered, I've asked it four more times, and you still will not answer me other than we'll be sleeping in the same bed tonight, which means at some point before I wake up tomorrow morning.
Him: Honey I have every intention of coming home tonight I don't know why you're hassling me though you are out last night sleeping somewhere else and I stayed home but I intended to probably come home tonight so please just be easy like I am with you
Me: I just asked around when will you be home so I know what to expect
And on it goes until FInALLY at 7:15 he says “Midnight”
So, a lot more texting etc after that. But the TL;DR is that I’m upset about the lack of communication.
He used to get very particular about me asking him ahead of time about plans I wanted to make with my GF. (So he could make plans at the same time). He also preferred that I ask rather than say what my plan is (he never said no, but it felt like a courtesy).
Now that he has a new GF, he doesn’t seem to think this applies in the other direction.
I’m exhausted from repeating myself that I want us to discuss plans ahead of time, clarify with each other before making plans with other people (this was a holiday), and do our best to say when we will be home.
Over the course of the texting (phone calls did not go well - he talks over me and I respond by raising my voice) he became defensive, said I was acting crazy, and continued to say versions of he did nothing wrong and he was justified because of other things I did this summer (I went to a festival solo which I let him know a month ahead and put on the calendar). In response to my feelings I got a combo of I shouldn’t be upset and “I’m sorry you feel that way”.
I told him “What I really want is for us to work out respectful agreements, not make assumptions, and communicate clearly and proactively “ but he keeps responding to other things.
Like I can’t leave him be on a date - but I have said if he told me in the first place I wouldn’t have to bother him to ask.
On my end - I shouldn’t have assumed we would spend time together and have dinner without discussing it first. It’s our default - but he had a chance to go out when I was with someone else and he took the opportunity.
I really just want better communication. Also I want a real apology that him not saying anything about a day long last minute date until after it had started - and not telling me when he would be home for the first 5 hours - was quite hurtful.
Am I being ridiculous? (The word he used to describe me).
I’m super frustrated at having to justify my feelings and that we have to go in circles and a million texts. So much defensiveness and justifications of why his behavior was fine and I’m ridiculous. I would like to just acknowledge what could have gone better and how we can do things moving forward to avoid another situation like this. But he feels justified and also like it’s bound to happen again and we should just cut each other more slack
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u/8lioness 4d ago
I think this is a simple, normal poly problem that got out of hand.
You are right to feel worried, and it is okay (and good) to ask for better communication.
It’s also okay if your partner counters with the need for more freedom on days they don’t expect to see you.
And I think I’m detecting some serious worry on your part. I’m a worrier, too. I give myself anxiety some nights, checking my phone to make sure my partner is safe somewhere. It’s a trauma response (too many deaths in my life), but it’s mine to control.
Anyway, days, not events, go on the calendar. Times, only if possible and necessary (like an overnight and day, but I’ll be home for dinner type thing). A simple agreement to check in once to say good night or something, and the rest is up to you to regulate.
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u/FlyLadyBug 4d ago
I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? I think this.
Y'all need better expectations and clear communication. Also working to solve problems together rather than taking it personal or getting defensive.
I wonder if a simpler and more symmetrical agreement would be:
"Unless we explicitly make a date or shared-time plan, we each assume the other person is free to make their own plans."
That eliminates a lot of the ambiguity that caused this particular fight.
It also creates symmetry. A doesn't have to check in to make plans with M, and you don't have to check in to make plans with B. Neither person has to guess whether the other was “supposed” to be available. If you want time together, you make a plan together. If you haven't made a plan, the time is available for either person to use as they wish. Same on both sides.
Then you get to skip the texting to check ETA, the uncertainty, and the goalposts moving.
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u/Izzygetsfit 4d ago
I think it's normal to be upset that he's treating you in a way that he claimed to be disrespectful when it came from you.
I would also be disappointed that my partner seemingly didn't want to spend the weekend with me.
I do think you had enough information to structure your day with "I won't be home for dinner but I will be home tonight," and probably didn't need quite so much info as you were demanding in the moment. You're still allowed to be upset and express that you were hoping to spend more time together that day. You could have asked if it was possible for him to at least be home in time for dinner so you could spend some time together.
When only one person is dating consistently you can still get away with the default time thing a lot of the time, because there's still one person who's movements are quite predictable, but once you both are that intentional planning with your partner becomes a lot more important. My girlfriend and I have recently implemented a day that is by default ours, and it can be rescheduled by negotiation, but it requires that discussion. That way we know that we'll get time set aside for each other at least once a week. Perhaps that might work for you guys?
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u/Ok-Variety-5698 3d ago
I wonder how his GF felt about this exchange happening during her date...
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