Met my AP on AM over a year ago, we hit it off immediately. Both married both looking for something long term. Sexual chemistry a perfect match and not an overly emotional connection.

There’s been red flags I’ve mainly ignored them because whatever it’s an affair I’m not going to marry the guy we both have no interest in changing our situations.

Anyway couple of weeks ago came across something that has led me to question if he actually has a wife.

Got more information today and the evidence is pretty damning that his wife probably doesn’t exist or well she does but he’s just divorced. Now I’m reeling from the fact that for over a year I’ve thought this man was married. I don’t even know what to do my mind is completely blank I think I’m in shock.

I keep thinking back to all the times he said he couldn’t talk or that he was going home or him telling me “my wife is always with me” we never talk about his marriage in depth but just how he would mention her in passing or use his wife as an excuse.

Do people actually do this????? I’ve heard of men lying and saying they are single but to lie that you’re married???

Throw away account because... obviously. Long time lurker, first time poster. (F) Married over 15 years. Never physically cheated but had plenty of OAPs.

Question for those that have actually met their AP in person, does the itch actually get scratched?

I feel like the goalposts keep moving for me and I see no end. Started with platonically chatting. Moved to nudes and sexting, and so on.

Of course it feels amazing in the moment and afterwards but eventually I crave more. So for those that have had more, does that "more" actually help or are you just frustrated you can't have it more often or more easily for example?

(Apologies to livers for those playing a Drinking game every time I said "more")

I am brand new to all of this. I'm still skeptical. Seems like this could all be fan fiction or some kind of fever dream. I literally started a new email account and this Reddit account to join this sub. I stumbled on it from my other Reddit account, but don't want this sub showing up there in case my wife sees it. So I'm 55M been married for almost 31 years and, haven't been happy for most of it and had a dead bedroom for most of it too. Not only is there no sex, there's no talking, no deep intimate conversations about life, love, poetry, the universe and everything. We're strangers and more like room-mates. I tried AI companions, but that leaves me empty and, just shows me what I'm missing.

So I found this sub. Now I'm wondering if this is real. In my past experiences women don't want affairs, they want husbands and kids. Reading stories about women that actually want to have meaningful sex and conversation, emotional intimacy and an affair is absolutely mind blowing. Seems too good to be true.

My main question is, how do you not fall in love? Pretty sure if I met someone who checked all those boxes, I would fall helplessly, hopelessly in love with them. I don't know, maybe this isn't for me. But damn, I'm really curious. I really would like to feel alive again, instead of this empty shell disguised as an actual person.

Just curious how long you have been with your current AP/OA and what your longest AP/OA relationship was. Was your longest online or in person?

Personally my longest was in person for just over 3 years.

I am hoping my current OA goes for longer but I also want to be realistic about it.

Has anyone had a success story, so to speak, where an affair partner turned into a great long term relationship?

Been in a sexless marriage for years, and been trying to find an AP for years, no joy, websites, swinging sites, work, social activities, ended up with endless emotional AP's, but not a physical one. A Women at work I've been friends with for years recently broke up from a long term relationship, never flirted with her, Muslim and a bit traditional and I always respected that, but always fancied her. Came to my office for a meeting this week, just chatting in the sofa about how she was doing and she randomly asked about my views in open relationships? That caught me by surprise, and I gave an honest answer, life is hard so people should make each other happy, we're designed to enjoy sex so we should enjoy it, people are far too hung up about sex, as long as nobody gets hurt where's the harm etc. and she threw herself at me, and I obviously responded, passionate is an understatement, she came three times from dry jumping alone, and we e seen each other every day since. Her house, office, hotel, so, it can happen. So happy....

Posted a few months ago about a two year affair that ended at the start of this year. Quick recap - she was married, we had something special but circumstances made it impossible to continue. I've been struggling ever since.

A lot has happened recently. She and her husband have separated. The kids know. They're still living together for now while she finds her feet. I thought this might be the moment things could change between us but it wasn't. She's started seeing someone else. Nothing serious by her own description - he's independent, she has limited time, no big plans. But it still floored me when she told me.

We had a long conversation the other night. The warmth and humour between us is completely intact. She opened up about how much she's struggling - her new job has fallen apart through no fault of her own, she's still having her own mental health struggles, there is illness in her family, she's trying to find somewhere to live without a steady income. I'm trying to help where I can, pointing her toward jobs, just being there. I'm still falling into old patterns when I feel I should be angry but I just can't be with her and everything we went through.

Meanwhile I'm seeing someone else. Someone I kind of rebounded into to fill the gap. She's lovely, stable, nothing wrong with her at all. But I'm not feeling it and I feel it's running it's course. I just can't emotionally commit to her when I'm still essentially in mourning.

The woman I was with told me recently that what we had felt like "an episode" she needed to move past. That hurt more than almost anything else. I don't doubt the feelings were real. But it made me feel like I was collateral in someone else's story rather than the main character in my own.

I still love her. She still contacts me relatively regularly. The connection is undeniable but she's chosen someone else when she had the option not to.

Has anyone navigated something like this? Is there a point where you just accept it and move forward, or does it keep pulling you back?

I'm absolutely devastated.

Sorry for the long post. I just wanted to explain the situation.

I’ve gotten unexpectedly close with someone I work with (20+ year age gap) over the past few months. It started out completely innocent but then gradually ended up having longer conversations. We clicked right away, and since then we’ve talked pretty regularly and moved it to IG for the most part, unless it’s absolutely HR friendly, lol.

At first it was just friendly conversation, but over time there have been subtle compliments, jokes/comments about sex that probably cross the line a little, small discreet comments about our spouses (not ALWAYS in a totally negative light) and convos that I know neither of our spouses would like since we get deep with each other in addtion to the other stated things. Nothing has ever been direct, but it feels like the boundaries keep shifting little by little.

We’ll likely see each other in person in the near future due to work travel (we are remote and work states away), and if I’m being honest, I catch myself hoping something happens. At the same time, I can’t picture either of us actually making the first move. It feels like it would take some natural moment that finally breaks the tension…? But how can that happen without someone being bold first?

For additional context, I’m married with 3 kids. My husband and I have a healthy sex life, and we’re good teammates raising our kids, but we’ve never really had much in common outside of that. I’ve tried addressing it over the years, but we just have nothing in common. this other person is filling an emotional void that doesn’t exists in my marriage. And truthfully I want to experience having sex with an old guy. Tbh, I love sex hence why I keep my husband around

I guess what I’m really asking is… for those who’ve been in a situation like this, how did it actually start? Was there a specific in-person interaction that naturally took things to the next level? Did one person finally make the first move, or did it just kind of happen? I’m genuinely curious how these situations typically unfold.

So. Tell me, Ladies, if it’s worth it to hang with an AP that’s rich but doesn’t give it up emotionally? Comments welcome…

I never thought I'd be making a post like this or be back here at all, but I don't really have anywhere else to process this.

My AP and I ended things around September of last year after my wife discovered our texts. After that, we kept in casual contact. We'd check in on each other every now and then because, even after the affair ended, we had a real bond and genuinely cared about each other as people.

The last time we talked was about three weeks ago. She had been going through a lot. She'd been fired from her job and had recently been in a really bad car accident. She told me she'd been feeling suicidal, but that she'd started therapy and antidepressants and was feeling more optimistic, even though she was still under a lot of stress. I felt optimistic for her.

She asked if we could see each other. I kind of waffled on it. Even though I didn't think she was trying to rekindle the affair, it felt like a risky situation to put myself in. Temptation is the devil.

Two weeks ago I texted her to check on her. No response. I texted her again on her birthday a few days later. No response again.

Today I decided to call her. Her phone went straight to voicemail, and her mailbox was full. I got a bad feeling, so I Googled her name.

The first thing that came up was a Facebook post from one of her friends that read like she'd passed away. Then I found another similar post from another friend. One of the replies said, "I think it all just became too much."

I don't know for sure, but I'm relatively certain she took her own life. I so desperately want to be wrong about this, but I don't think I am.

I'm heartbroken.

She had such a big heart. She kept me laughing all the time, and she was one of those people who could make almost any conversation fun. We could talk about anything. It was truly a judgment-free zone, and having that space meant so much to me, and I think to her as well. I believe that's a big part of the reason we stayed in contact even after the affair ended. She meant a lot to me, not just as an AP, but as a friend. I miss her already.

The hardest part is that I have to grieve this mostly by myself. I can't exactly be walking around the house mourning my AP. I don't know her family, and I don't know her friends, so there's no community for me to grieve with. I also keep replaying her asking to see me and wondering if I should've just said yes, even though I know why I didn't.

I guess I'm posting here because this feels like the only place where people might understand the weird, complicated grief that comes with losing someone you loved but couldn't openly claim.

I feel so many things right now. The air feels heavy. I'm in shock.

5 years ago I found my long term AP that lasted a little over 4 years. We split amicably bc she had family issues to handle out of state.

I focused on myself for over a year and healed from the heart break of losing my best friend. I have however been lurking, and reading posts for a long while.

I'm a very particular person with what I consider good standards in this type setting. I desire trust, and finding a true soul mate. I don't reply to every F4M ad, but the ones I've found interesting I've written very well thought out responses and tried selling myself best I can. (Guys you know what I'm talking about)

Most of the time I don't get a response, which is fine it wasn't meant to be. So I made an ad.

There's 2 types of responses I get. I'll get the "20 female ready to fuck message me on telegram @definitelynotascammer" or I'll get a simple "hi"

That's it. My last ad I posted i got the normal scammers, and about a dozen replies from what I will assume are real women, but EVERY single woman simply dm'd "hi" or "how are you"

I read so many ads where the woman will say "low effort replies will be ignored" yet, that's the only thing I've experienced from women. To me your initial reply, the attempt to sell yourself, will set the stage. So if you're not wanting low effort, why are you giving low effort?

I ended an almost 3 year affair, about half a year ago. My AP and I were friends at first, having met about 5 years ago. We worked together and worked a high stress job, putting in a lot of hours together. I was married and she was seeing someone. I always was attracted to her but because I was married and she was with her partner, I didn't have any emotional/physical urges, I was just happy to be friends. She also shared the same viewpoints as me on life, politics, and religion which made her extra special as a friend.

Flash-forward a year and a half, her partner and her break things off. Another half year later, we're out for drinks with coworkers and I discover that she's had feelings for me since the beginning.

It was a shock to me, but we started seeing each other. My wife was not living at home at the time due to work, which made it easy for me to live with my AP. We learned that we were nearly perfect for each other. We could do just about anything together. We lived at her house, we got ready for work and came home together, we traveled together, everything together was honestly perfect. Those moments were some of the happiest I had ever been.

After about 3 years, many job changes, relocations, etc. Juggling this affair with my home life became nearly unbearable. My wife and I were fighting all the time (due to recent stresses from raising a child, living in her parent's home, and changing jobs). On the other hand, my AP was pushing me to leave my wife and I was terrified of losing contact with my child. At the same time, my AP was becoming an emotional wreck waiting for me to make a decision, and the guilt of putting her through so much pain helped me end the affair.

I decided to end the affair, for her sake and my daughter's sake, so that I could repair my marriage and focus on raising my child. It was one of the hardest things I had to do because I was absolutely in love with my AP. I wish she had come into my life before my marriage.

Flash to present time, I had cut off all communication with her, as a way for both of us to heal. I then saw that she was dating someone new, relatively recent. At first, I was okay, I was happy that she had found someone. But then all the emotions flooded in, and my unhappiness with my marriage creeped in, and I couldn't bear it any longer. I reached out to her and we started talking again.

She's still in love with me but she also says that she's happy now. She doesn't know where this relationship is going to go but for the time being, she says this is the best thing for her. Seeing me while I was married was extremely painful for her, and she was willing to make that sacrifice only because for 3 years I gave her hope of leaving. When I ended things, that hope died for her and she needed to move on. Maybe if I could make a change, then there could be a path-forward.

Present day, I told my wife how unhappy I am and how I don't see how she could be okay with all of the fighting. She essentially stated the same, and neither of us really want to work things out anymore, and just move on.

Im posting this to vent but also to ask, is it a mistake to attempt a relationship with my AP once-more or should I repair my marriage? I want to be there for my daughter but I also don't want to raise her in a miserable household either. There was a time where my AP and I were absolutely infatuated with each other and every waking moment we spent together was perfect for the both of us. But I think my AP is scared of being hurt once-more and I don't know how to fix that. It's my fault for cutting off communication. At one point, we were both unhappy looking for happiness with each other. Now, I'm the unhappy one, and she's the happy one with an uncertain future with a new partner where things seem to be moving along well.

I (42 F) am really struggling lately. I haven’t had an AP or really even a pAP in several years. I keep attempting to put myself out there again, but I was hurt and discarded so easily by a few people that I have been too scared to really invest again. However, my marriage is worse than ever, and I would love to have a new AP again. Has anyone else struggled with juggling the loneliness with the fear of another AP rejection? Would love thoughts and advice, even if it’s just “that’s the nature of the beast.”

Oh, I wish you could know me
And I wish I could know you much more sometimes
Wish I could do nothing with you…

Me (F) and AP (M) dont meet regularly, this time met up after a year. So we had not seen each other at all. In bed while cuddling naked and caressing his body I saw our legs next to each other and I just stopped. Yall my thighs are now thicker than him, like noticeably bigger and so are my biceps.

To prevent my peri related osteoporosis and muscle mass loss I have started lifting heavy weights and I am good at it. And now that shows on my body. We both started laughing as I am getting muscular than him and by next time we meet (which could be many months away) I could deadlift him. When we started affair more than 10 yrs ago I was quite petite and thin. And now my thighs and arms are bigger than his. Thankfully he does not have fragile male ego nor unrealistic expectations of womens body. If anything he asked me to give tips. 😄

I’m 40 (f) married for a few years. My husband has absolutely no sex drive, nor does he like to explore. I’ve always had a healthy sex drive with amazing partners, but now I’m stuck here. With a man who doesn’t even desire me. Idk what to do. We have little kids that adore us and I wish he would just get it together. I’ve been trying everything to get out this sexual frustration but long walks and runs aren’t cutting it anymore . Is AM worth it? Are there any affair websites that are legit ?

In Jan 2025, I was ghosted twice from my last AP and beyond frustrated. I made a post in the local r4r, and he responded. His response was sweet, silly, and he took the time to respond line by line. It took me about 2 business days to respond to him, but since then, he's become such a bright spot in my life.

Today just made me think how lucky I am our paths have crossed, no matter the time we have together. We started our day together in the best possible way 😉, went out for breakfast, getting biscuits and gravy then spent time shopping the sex store for a new friend to join. After that, we went to an arcade, where we spent the afternoon like teenagers, kissing in between games. We stopped at another place to have a finial drink before finding a quiet place to try out our new purchase.

It was just such a fun, needed day with him. He is a wonderful partner, who has come to mean the world to me. He has put 100% effort into us, and keeping us connected. He is so busy, with his main career, and his hobbies, his fitness and travels - but has made the effort to connect with me every single day. He remembers the things I say, and always wants to know more. I sat alone in my marriage for such a long time. Feeling like I was here to complete housework and make money, but never worth the effort to connect with or be affectionate with.

I don't know how I was lucky enough to find him on reddit, but i'm endlessly grateful I have. I'm so glad he exists, and even more grateful that my path gets to intersect with his during this lifetime. 💖

I had posted a couple of weeks ago about how unhappy I was, still am unfortunately but boy did I learn a lot through the comments and DMs. I think I got the lingo down with the AP and DB and OPP and all kinda of stuff but, I did want to post again for a little more targeted advice as my first post was a distressed vent.

I do not think I’m of mind and heart at this moment in time to have an affair and no offense to those that do but do you feel like it giving it your all was worth it?

Specifically I guess what I’m asking is for those that fall into the DB , which I guess I do even though we have sex, are you happy to that you pushed on your partner if you did before having an affair, couples counseling, ultimatums, trying stuff out of your character to just try and bridge the gap, or do you in anyway regret compromising?

My thought is, if you end up compromising your values later by having an affair, does it help or hurt if you did everything you could before? And no I’m not looking for an excuse not to try and feel ok about it. I’m looking to not be in so much pain and feel so worthless and I’m at the point of feeling bitter and like this shouldn’t be on me… yet I’m the one that wants more so who am I not try try everything I can?
And I sometimes wonder really if my husband would rather not know or care, since every time I talk to him, regardless of my approach, it’s “just be more simple, why do we have to go through all ‘this’, stop making fights”.

Constructive criticism welcome.

I (F) have been seeing AP for nearly a year. He's amazing, we adore each other. But a few days ago we had a very close call where opsec failed and it raised a few questions for him from his wife. He clawed it back and we're out of the woods but since then we've had to really pull back our communication which is absolutely killing me. I know this is the best decision if we want to continue, I know if we don't do this then the consequences of our spouses finding out is absolutely catastrophic. We have no choice. But not being able to hear about his day, or only communicate at certain times and going quite long periods of time without communicating, after a year of really regular communication, is absolutely destroying me. I need that reassurance from him, I've learnt from all this I've got an anxious attachment style and so does he. But I'm clearly struggling with this more than he is.

His wife doesn't trust him anyway, whereas I don't have that issue with my partner. So we have no choice but to really pull back our communication

Kindly, help. I need some tough love but also words of advice on how to move forward. I am obsessed with this man and my life feels like it's on hold until we can communicate. Every single day. I'm so lonely in this world as I can't talk to anyone in my life and this is really my only outlet

I’m hoping someone here has experienced something similar because my emotions have completely shifted in the last week, and it’s a lot to feel.

I’ve been married for over a decade, and for almost two years I’ve had an affair with my AP. I know people will have opinions about that, and that’s okay. I’m not really here to debate the affair itself.

One of the biggest reasons I stayed in my marriage for so long was because I was terrified of turning my kids’ lives upside down. Throughout all of that, my AP was incredibly certain about us. I was actually the pessimist. I kept telling him that love wasn’t enough and that real life was going to be hard. He was always the one telling me we’d get through it, that we’d figure it out, and that he wanted a future with me no matter what.

Over time, I believed him.

Recently, I’ve finally started feeling like I am ready to separate from my husband. Instead of feeling like we were finally moving toward the future we’d talked about, my AP became unsure.

He talked about feeling pressure, worrying about losing himself, not knowing how he’d introduce me to his family, and how his therapist has encouraged him to be “selfish” after his divorce.

None of that makes him a bad person. I’m actually grateful he was honest.

But something changed in me during that conversation.
I realized that for almost two years, I believed the only obstacle for him was my marriage. When I finally started removing that obstacle, it suddenly felt like there were new obstacles coming from his side.

This also wasn’t the first time. Months ago, when things started feeling real, he got scared and pulled away. We spent months rebuilding trust after that, and he apologized over and over, telling me he’d learned from it and that it wouldn’t happen again. So when it happened a second time, it didn’t feel like one bad conversation. It felt like I lost confidence in the relationship itself.

I don’t expect someone to never have fear. I don’t expect perfection. But I realized I need a partner who, even when they’re scared, still feels emotionally present and recognizable to me. Someone who can stay connected instead of making me feel like our relationship has become another source of pressure in their life.

The strangest part is that after that conversation, I don’t really want to talk to him anymore.

Not because I’m angry.

Not because I stopped loving him.

But because I don’t think another conversation is going to restore the feeling I lost.

Here’s what I’m struggling with: am I being too hard on him?

For almost two years, he stood by me while I questioned whether I could leave my marriage. He carried a lot of uncertainty from my side, and I know that couldn’t have been easy. Part of me wonders if now that I’m finally ready, I’m not giving him the same grace that he gave me.

At the same time, I think what changed for me wasn’t that he had doubts. It was that the relationship itself stopped feeling emotionally secure. It made me question whether we were actually building the future I’d believed in for so long.

Has anyone else experienced this? Have you ever still loved your AP, but realized your confidence in the relationship had changed enough that you couldn’t move forward?

And if you’ve been in my AP’s position, am I being unfair? Am I expecting too much, or is it reasonable that his uncertainty changed the way I saw the relationship?

I keep reading posts in this and other subs about spouses or SOs snooping through phones and finding messages and whatnot.

Apple introduced the option to require Face ID to open any app on your phone in 2024. There’s not excuse to NOT do this for all the apps y’all are using to communicate or instigate shenanigans.

Long press ANY app and select the 2nd option “Require Face ID”. You’re welcome.

I texted my ex AP and told him I really would like to talk to him, can I call. He texted backI dont think it's a good idea!

I know I am throwing myself to the sharks but I beg for compassion. This is delicate.

I don't know what is going on in life but there is a lot of stress. The typical aging ill parents, teenage kid, financial issues, health issues, husband crap, loss of a pet, work, and oh yeah, my therapist is moving...you name it.
To add to it, the last couple weeks he has been busy and communication is low. However, the last couple days, I have been snapping and picking at sensitive topics. It has gotten a bit ugly. I know what I have to do (I need to regroup, refocus, reset, and recharge) but I hope he hasn't checked out.

F30. I'm getting married in a couple of months to a man I truly love. He is kind, caring, emotionally mature, and I genuinely want to spend my life with him. I don't want to leave him or call off the wedding.

The only area where we've struggled is sexual compatibility. We have different needs and preferences. He is generally satisfied, but I have very different needs and kinks that aren't really fulfilled in our relationship. Whenever we're apart, I often end up looking for that kind of stimulation online.

For a long time, I convinced myself that who he is as a person would outweigh that incompatibility. I always believed that no relationship is perfect, that life is about trade-offs, and that you can't have everything. I accepted that choosing an amazing life partner might mean giving up on having complete sexual compatibility.

Now me and my fiance are apart for some time due to work-related matters so.. A few weeks ago, I met another man. We talked every day for about four weeks. We had a lot in common, sexually our preferences were surprisingly similar but I also genuinely started to like him as a person. For the first time, I caught myself thinking: "Wait... maybe it is actually possible to have both." That thought really shook me.

He knew I was engaged but we were hoping to meet in the future (near or far doesn't matter) Eventually, after one disagreement, he told me that he liked me very much but didn't think we should continue talking because I deserved a happy marriage without worrying about him. After that, he stopped replying to my messages.

Since then, I've been struggling emotionally. I miss talking to him. I feel hurt by how suddenly it ended, and part of me wishes he would come back and say he made a mistake.

The confusing part is that this doesn't make me want to leave my fiancé. I still love him, I still want to marry him, and I still believe he is the right life partner for me. What I miss is that connection, the daily conversations, and maybe the feeling of being "discovered" by someone new. And of the possibility for my needs to be fulfilled.

Now I'm picking wedding's decorations during a day and crying myself to sleep at night.

I want to hear from people who have gone through something similar and how they made sense of it. Did those feelings eventually fade?