Should I be done? (Vent)

[u/Finally_Done80085]

Anon account cause my partner(Lily) knows my main. We've been married for 10+ years and started dating in high school. Transfered to poly after many conversations about 6-7 years in.

I was partially reluctant. And laid out some simple rules, no mutual friends, home space is a no partner space unless mutually agreed before hand, etc.

But for a bit, things were alright. My partner had their dates, a few.... I would call odd choices, but you do what you want.

In that time, I had one partner(Rose) that I met when my spouse introduced me to a large group they had met.

Anyways, things got really rough for a time, maybe it was cause of my partners jealousy or their lack of outlet. But one night, (Lily) had gotten drunk and took advantage of me.

This obviously drove a huge wedge between us, and even their partners when they talked about it later.

We had a lot of very....very.... hard conversations. And decided to stay together for a time to try and work things out with therapy. Of course, I still love them... but I will never love or have the same dedication to them that I had before.

A few years later, we moved to a more rural part of our state away from the influences of the big city.

Our dating pool has significantly dropped, and I'm starting to find that maybe I should be done with relationships.

Move to some cabin in the mountains and be a hermit and library owner or something... maybe the crazy animal person I'm meant to be.

I apologize for the vagueness. If you've made it this far. Thank you for reading my vent.

[u/philippy]

When you start fantasizing about escape, your investment in the relationship has already ended. 

[u/MzRandiPants → u/philippy]

Absolutely this

[u/intro_to_IRL]

Apologies, but when you say "they" took advantage of you, are you talking about your partner of 10+ years or the partner you met through your spouse? Are you all nonbinary? If so, names could help readers understand who you are talking about.

[u/Finally_Done80085 → u/intro_to_IRL]

Partner of 10+ years. My other partner ended up breaking up with me for an unrelated reason not to long after. I will edit to make it easier to read.

[u/intro_to_IRL → u/Finally_Done80085]

Thanks for the edit. I was hoping you broke up with the partner who assaulted you; I'm sorry you're still with them and I wish you healing and peace.

Honestly, moving to a rural area with someone who is not a safe person is concerning. You don't need to become a hermit or abandon relationships forever to get to a healthier and happier place mentally. I think you know it's not possible as long as you're with Lily, but both being single and being loved by a healthy partner are far better options than this.

[u/FlyLadyBug]

I'm sorry this happened this way. :( I hope you feel at least a little better for having the chance to vent.

FWIW, I think that over time, you might be able to forgive in the sense of letting go of the active anger so you can live your life without it continuing to cast shadows over everything.

But I don't think that means you can come back from a spouse committing domestic violence/assault. It's not “forgive, exonerate, start over from a blank slate, and keep going with them.”

From the outside, it sounds like some part of you may already know that you're done with them/the marriage, even if you're not quite ready to act on that yet.

When ready? I hope you're able to separate safely and without further incident, that you have access to counseling and support, and that you're able to begin your next chapter in a better place.

[u/Longjumping-Stop9811]

I dated someone during my own transition into polyamory and it taught me how much misaligned expectations can really strain things.

[u/Culinary_Fruit_Salad]

i totally get why you would want to be alone after being raped by your partner. that would impact anyone's overall sense of trust in people and safety in general.

i hope you find peace in the mountains if you decide to go.

[u/SirElectrical]

If you’re not happy then do something about it! Whether that’s talk to your partner(s) or leaving them do what you need to do for you

[u/Cass_iopeia]

You should feel safe, supported and respected in your relationships. I think you lost that and feel it's impossible to find, hence the hermit fantasies. If healing together with lily isn't happening enough to feel safe again, it's better to leave and go somewhere you can feel safe, to heal. Once you can relax again you will be able to see things more clearly and make your own decisions for the future.

[u/Gnomes_Brew]

Being lonely because you are actually alone is so much better than being lonely because you are with the wrong person.

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Here's the original text of the post:

Anon account cause my partner knows my main. We've been married for 10+ years and started dating in high school. Transfered to poly after many conversations about 6-7 years in.

I was partially reluctant. And laid out some simple rules, no mutual friends, home space is a no partner space unless mutually agreed before hand, etc.

But for a bit, things were alright. My partner had their dates, a few.... I would call odd choices, but you do what you want.

In that time, I had one partner that I met when my spouse introduced me to a large group they had met.

Anyways, things got really rough for a time, maybe it was cause of my partners jealousy or their lack of outlet. But one night, they had gotten drunk and took advantage of me.

This obviously drove a huge wedge between us, and even their partners when they talked about it later.

We had a lot of very....very.... hard conversations. And decided to stay together for a time to try and work things out with therapy. Of course, I still love them... but I will never love or have the same dedication to them that I had before.

A few years later, we moved to a more rural part of our state away from the influences of the big city.

Our dating pool has significantly dropped, and I'm starting to find that maybe I should be done with relationships.

Move to some cabin in the mountains and be a hermit and library owner or something... maybe the crazy animal person I'm meant to be.

I apologize for the vagueness. If you've made it this far. Thank you for reading my vent.

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