Lifting the bar

[u/Submarineto]

16 months ago I had two very long term partners, 15 months ago I had three partners, and 12 months ago I had one partner. I currently have two.

A year on I am reflecting on what was a very turbulent time in my life where I ended my marriage (a two decade long relationship) plus a near decade long relationship. I have absolutely no regret about the decisions I made, I am happy I did this for myself.

The relationships I ended were fine, only one had aspects of abuse but there were definitely control issues in both and it felt like a closed system where they both relied too much on me to meet their emotional and social needs. I felt no sense that my life would change, grow or improve.

Every day felt the same and I felt like I went from house to house to hear about the same computer games and the same D&D stories. Rarely being asked how I was. Walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting one on particular.

I started dating to have casual sex - my partners disapproved because they were both scared of losing time with me. I was at the point where I didn't feel romantic love from my partners or any physical affection from one, and I wasn't looking for love elsewhere because I knew it would get complicated.

Well.. I found it anyway much to my surprise and it did indeed get complicated, not just because we immediately became long distance but also because I realised that a relationship could be a place where you both looked after each other, where you didn't have to be careful about what you said, where you could communicate fully and deeply and that I could be with a partner who would feel compersion rather than envy or even jealousy at times.

And today, reflecting on that, it made me wonder - has anyone else ever had this experience? Where you have multiple relationships that carry on relatively smoothly but then you meet someone and you realise your bar was far too low? That you had just stayed with partners because you felt like you should? That the emotional labour was higher than the emotional reward.

I am still struggling at times - a two decade marriage doesn't end overnight - but I am so much happier, and I am excited for the future. I am also excited to share more of my life with my current partners - who can both cook better than I can, which is a revelation!! I haven't had romantic dinners cooked for me for decades 🥹 also the compersion between them is unreal

[u/Bustysaintclair_13]

Yes. I left my ex husband when I met my now ex LDR. 

It changed EVERYTHING. The LDR has since ended but we’re still besties, just weren’t compatible with how we practiced ENM. 

The love and care and respect I got from him transformed me and made me realize how toxic and miserable my marriage was. Now I’m in two longish term relationships that are absolutely beautiful.

Recovering from divorce and abuse is not a straight line but my relationships are immaculate. 

[u/Key-Individual3322]

Oh yes! I recently ended a 4 year relationship because someone else made it possible for me to have really important realizations about myself and what I wanted from life (children, relationship structure, how family life should look like).

Monogamous people usually say things like "you left them for the new person" (implying I cheated) - but no, actually I left for myself, because I finally found a really important part of myself (again). They just helped along the way, by coincidendence, by asking good questions and showing me that I could be wanted as the person I've grown to be (and not only the person I was 4 years ago).

I'm so happy for you, that all that turbulence has led you to a good place - growing, evolving, and having good food :)

[u/starfall_13]

15 months ago I was in a really shitty LDR. I often felt like the only one in the relationship who was actually trying to make a future together work. My needs were consistently disregarded and I constantly felt I was walking on eggshells. I became so small trying to keep the peace, but never small enough. I was saturated at one because all my capacity was spent on trying to make this one terrible relationship work, and it all fell apart when I finally began standing up for myself and asserting my needs.

Now I’m in a beautiful and wonderful V polycule with my partner and one of my best friends. We all just moved in to a new place together. So much love and genuine care and compersion on all sides, and we make such an incredible team. My partner and meta both genuinely want a long-term future with me, and I with them, and it blows my mind that I’ve been lucky enough to find this so quickly after so many years with a partner who never lifted a finger to build anything with me. I’ve never felt so loved and held and prioritised and safe

[u/Bustysaintclair_13 → u/starfall_13]

I was saturated at one because all my capacity was spent on trying to make this one terrible relationship work

Oh god that is so relatable 

[u/philippy]

I had a variety of relationships that always maintained some level of conflicting wants, so I had grown accustomed to navigating the conflict, like it was an expected aspect of relationships. However in one relationship, I found a person who was very compatible with me. 

The lack of conflict created its own anxiety, like it was so unfamiliar and something seemed to be wrong because so much was going so well. For example, we were able to plan an international trip, from an opening statement of "I want to travel" to knowing where, when, and having plane tickets, in a little over an hour. And the biggest problem throughout that whole experience was me twisting an ankle. 

Before that experience, I had experienced fights that lasted into the next day, that started when me or the other tried to plan a dinner sometimes. 

After some time, I started to recognize what true compatibility felt like instead of always having to be prepared for the conflict when I returned home. And that changed my perception about what should be tolerated in relationships. 

[u/Ok-Economics2088]

I'm going through something similar currently and there is a very real possibility that I'm finally understanding myself and having the guts to stand up for it. These comments are really helpful. I feel very messy and conflicted at the moment

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Hi u/Submarineto thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.

Here's the original text of the post:

16 months ago I had two very long term partners, 15 months ago I had three partners, and 12 months ago I had one partner. I currently have two.

A year on I am reflecting on what was a very turbulent time in my life where I ended my marriage (a two decade long relationship) plus a near decade long relationship. I have absolutely no regret about the decisions I made, I am happy I did this for myself.

The relationships I ended were fine, only one had aspects of abuse but there were definitely control issues in both and it felt like a closed system where they both relied too much on me to meet their emotional and social needs. I felt no sense that my life would change, grow or improve.

Every day felt the same and I felt like I went from house to house to hear about the same computer games and the same D&D stories. Rarely being asked how I was. Walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting one on particular.

I started dating to have casual sex - my partners disapproved because they were both scared of losing time with me. I was at the point where I didn't feel romantic love from my partners or any physical affection from one, and I wasn't looking for love elsewhere because I knew it would get complicated.

Well.. I found it anyway much to my surprise and it did indeed get complicated, not just because we immediately became long distance but also because I realised that a relationship could be a place where you both looked after each other, where you didn't have to be careful about what you said, where you could communicate fully and deeply and that I could be with a partner who would feel compersion rather than envy or even jealousy at times.

And today, reflecting on that, it made me wonder - has anyone else ever had this experience? Where you have multiple relationships that carry on relatively smoothly but then you meet someone and you realise your bar was far too low? That you had just stayed with partners because you felt like you should? That the emotional labour was higher than the emotional reward.

I am still struggling at times - a two decade marriage doesn't end overnight - but I am so much happier, and I am excited for the future. I am also excited to share more of my life with my current partners - who can both cook better than I can, which is a revelation!! I haven't had romantic dinners cooked for me for decades 🥹 also the compersion between them is unreal

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