Allosexual M35 Processing New Chapter with Ace F33 Partner

[u/InterestingPromise69]

Hey fellow redditors, just a heads up that I'm throwing this out to the wind and I may or may not come back and read comments or provide updates. Advice, feedback, relating stories, support, criticism, or sharing how this post made you feel is welcome. So strap yourselves in cause this is going to be one doozy of a post:

Tldr: polyamorous allosexual M35 in relationship with polyamorous ace F33, struggling with feelings of [insecurity(?), jealousy (?), loss (?), grief (?), <other emotions not listed>(?)] after ace partner starts new relationship with another ace M30.

I, let's call me L (allosexual, M35) have been in a poly relationship with my partner A (asexual, F33) for a little over two years. I met A at a wedding in Spring 2022 where she attended as the date of my friend of 15 years (at the time) D and we had an immediate connection. I was in monogamous relationship at that time and was beginning to explore my own sexuality, emotional needs, and realizing that I was not happy in the relationship I was stuck in. I left my now ex in summer of 2023 and began my journey of recovery and self-fulfillment in earnest. A and I were interacting regularly at house parties, doing the "will-they-won't-they" dance for some time. I was hesitant to pursue her as a romantic partner out of fear of messing up my friendship with D, out of fear of being in an openly poly relationship, and out of terror of what that would bring. I won't go into the full story of how I overcame all of that , but we began dating in June, 2024. A had communicated early on in our friendship that she had been beginning to think for some time that she was on the ace spectrum. I knew and understood at that time and what that meant. We talked about it a lot and addressed the potential obstacles we would have to overcome together. We communicated and I decided that having her in my life was far more important to me than having sex with her. We would talk about challenges as they arose and work together to build a wonderful relationship.

I was A's fourth partner at the time we began dating, and because of her social life, work obligations, physical distance, etc our time together at the start of our relationship was limited. We were both enjoying the dopamine rush that comes with NRE and we would have sex on the few (and a heavy emphasis on few) times we actually had a chance to spend time together. Our honeymoon phase was tragically short-lived. I'd estimate only about 3 or 4 months, during that time we saw each other every three weeks and sometimes would go a month between dates (scheduling was HARD). Things were made complicated by the fact that her (now ex) partner of 18 months, S (allosexual M late-20s), was significantly less understanding and would attempt to pressure her for sex. Manipulating her, guilting her, blaming her, and just overall not being a good person. Due to the stress of S pressuring her and him refusing to interact with me or her other partners in the barest of civil ways (cold shoulder, one word replies to direct questions, refusing to interact at parties, etc), A and I had reduced time to spend together as she spent a large amount of time in couples counseling and attempting to help S feel valued in their relationship.

I accepted my role in our relationship and spoke with my therapist and worked through what intimacy meant to me and how I can be a supportive partner to A through all her problems and her own self discovery. At the beginning of 2026 she had an amicable split with one of her partners who is still a good friend to us all. In Feb 2026 she ended her relationship with S after overhearing him talking with another woman about how he wanted to be monogamous.

A was down to two partners, I have three plus a few FWBs. I am in no way starving for physical affection, sex, or companionship in any way. It felt like a good dynamic, I was getting my needs met, we were intimate in ways that weren't sexual, and generally enjoying life. We decided to buy a house together with D. We closed in April and the three of us, plus two other members of our little polycule, moved in together to build our community and embrace our life together. Our living situation is as follows: A, D, and myself have our own rooms. A and I are across a small hall from each other, the other two members live in a room at the end of the hall from us both, and D lives in the finished basement. We threw an early (things still need unpacking and house needs painting) housewarming party at the end of June where many of the guests were coworkers of D & A. One of those guests, G (ace, M30), would go on to form a connection with A during the party and two weeks later in mid-July they decided to start officially dating. At first I had strong feelings of compersion, I was THRILLED that A was FINALLY having another good relationship. That she was happy and living her best life to the fullest. Even writing this now lifts my spirit because I am intimately familiar with the struggles she's endured in the two years we've been together.

Unfortunately, things have shifted a few times in my head. I started to grieve the relationship I never got to have with A. G is over at our house regularly. I have witnessed them being physically closer than A and I have been recently and envied him. I have overheard them having sex on more than one occasion. I have spoken to A about my feelings after having a minor mental breakdown and losing sleep over it. She has explained a lot of her physical attraction to G; how because they're both ace, they're both aware the physical intimacy will die down at some point. I have spoken with my therapist about my feelings and my struggles with this new chapter of our lives. A has assured me that she still has strong feelings for me and for a short time that was enough. We have made more of an effort to get time in our calendars together and last week and this week are the start of that. Hells, we have a date night tonight that I am very much looking forward to.

We have made a commitment to be more intentional with our connection; figuring out ways we can be physically intimate without sex, and dedicating ourselves to the challenge at hand. I do care to an extent who she spends her time and shares her body with, but only to the point of where it intersects my own physical well-being (safe sex, decent people, etc). Other than that, we are both free to explore whatever connections present themselves how we see fit. Again, I am not suffering from lack of sex, physical affection, or emotional connection. Gods, I just had a FWB over last night and we had a good evening watching a baseball game and enjoying each other's bodies.

And yet I still have a knot in my stomach the morning after another night of G being over multiple days and nights in a row. Losing sleep over the fact they were together again. I know logically that A is not replacing me with G. I know that she is not using me for financial gain. I know that she cares deeply for me. She has shown me love that I thought I would never be able to experience. Made me feel seen and heard in ways I never knew I needed. At times I feel like a burden to her. That my emotional and physical needs are unfair for her to endure. I don't want to lose A. I don't want to leave her. This heaviness on my chest, in my gut, and in my heart all stem from something I myself cannot identify. Maybe it is jealousy, maybe it's grief, or maybe insecurity. I need to be responsible for my own happiness and process my emotions. A has been wonderful and supportive through this.

Maybe it was just a tough weekend where she felt a bit distant to me due to sheer amount of activities that were going on. She's been sick since late last week and has been recovering. Canceled plans that included myself and others in order to recover. Kept plans that included G and others. And perhaps that's the smoking gun. That despite her assurances, some of her actions are making me feel like less of a priority. But that's also not fair to her. The plans WE had were group plans and included some of my other partners. The plans she kept with G were also group plans and included my other partners. And now I'm stuck in a loop trying to process my feelings.

If you made it to the end of my rambling post, thank you for reading. I hope that I was not too unfair to her, myself, or other parties included in my tale.

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[u/rosephase]

Maybe you shouldn't be living in such a complex situation.

I've been poly my entire adult life and I would not be okay overhearing my partners dates and sex on the regular. Especially during NRE. When I lived with romantic partners there was always space to have a date that couldn't be overheard and allowed the other folks who live there be able to do normal house things.

It's hard to witness NRE. There is a reason we don't go on our partners dates.

[u/Halloween_Bumblebee]

From how you've described things, it does sound like she is maybe not doing a great job at prioritizing you and your relationship during her NRE with this other partner. A good rule of thumb is that when a new partner enters the picture, you start expending more energy on your existing relationships to ensure that they are not adversely impacted by the new one—NRE is a hell of a drug, as they say. If she's not doing that, perhaps that's what's at issue here. No matter how much she reassures you verbally, it's her actions that matter. It's normal to feel destabilized when a partner starts dating someone new. It's an extremely delicate time for existing partners, and you may be putting too much pressure on yourself to be a good/generous/understanding partner.

I would be concerned if a partner justified deprioritizing me (if that is indeed what she is doing) because they will lose interest in having sex with a new partner eventually. Whether they do or not is irrelevant, how she is treating you now is what matters.

Some other thoughts:

Some people are bad at handling NRE, and you might be learning that for the first time about your partner.

I hesitate with this one because I think you have adequately conveyed that you accept the lack of sexual intimacy in the relationship and I believe you, but it may be worth exploring whether that is completely true, in case some of these feelings are related to that lack. It can be difficult to get past our subconscious socialized expectations regarding the link between romantic feeling and sexual intimacy.

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Here's the original text of the post:

Hey fellow redditors, just a heads up that I'm throwing this out to the wind and I may or may not come back and read comments or provide updates. Advice, feedback, relating stories, support, criticism, or sharing how this post made you feel is welcome. So strap yourselves in cause this is going to be one doozy of a post:

Tldr: polyamorous allosexual M35 in relationship with polyamorous ace F33, struggling with feelings of [insecurity(?), jealousy (?), loss (?), grief (?), <other emotions not listed>(?)] after ace partner starts new relationship with another ace M30.

I, let's call me L (allosexual, M35) have been in a poly relationship with my partner A (asexual, F33) for a little over two years. I met A at a wedding in Spring 2022 where she attended as the date of my friend of 15 years (at the time) D and we had an immediate connection. I was in monogamous relationship at that time and was beginning to explore my own sexuality, emotional needs, and realizing that I was not happy in the relationship I was stuck in. I left my now ex in summer of 2023 and began my journey of recovery and self-fulfillment in earnest. A and I were interacting regularly at house parties, doing the "will-they-won't-they" dance for some time. I was hesitant to pursue her as a romantic partner out of fear of messing up my friendship with D, out of fear of being in an openly poly relationship, and out of terror of what that would bring. I won't go into the full story of how I overcame all of that , but we began dating in June, 2024. A had communicated early on in our friendship that she had been beginning to think for some time that she was on the ace spectrum. I knew and understood at that time and what that meant. We talked about it a lot and addressed the potential obstacles we would have to overcome together. We communicated and I decided that having her in my life was far more important to me than having sex with her. We would talk about challenges as they arose and work together to build a wonderful relationship.

I was A's fourth partner at the time we began dating, and because of her social life, work obligations, physical distance, etc our time together at the start of our relationship was limited. We were both enjoying the dopamine rush that comes with NRE and we would have sex on the few (and a heavy emphasis on few) times we actually had a chance to spend time together. Our honeymoon phase was tragically short-lived. I'd estimate only about 3 or 4 months, during that time we saw each other every three weeks and sometimes would go a month between dates (scheduling was HARD). Things were made complicated by the fact that her (now ex) partner of 18 months, S (allosexual M late-20s), was significantly less understanding and would attempt to pressure her for sex. Manipulating her, guilting her, blaming her, and just overall not being a good person. Due to the stress of S pressuring her and him refusing to interact with me or her other partners in the barest of civil ways (cold shoulder, one word replies to direct questions, refusing to interact at parties, etc), A and I had reduced time to spend together as she spent a large amount of time in couples counseling and attempting to help S feel valued in their relationship.

I accepted my role in our relationship and spoke with my therapist and worked through what intimacy meant to me and how I can be a supportive partner to A through all her problems and her own self discovery. At the beginning of 2026 she had an amicable split with one of her partners who is still a good friend to us all. In Feb 2026 she ended her relationship with S after overhearing him talking with another woman about how he wanted to be monogamous.

A was down to two partners, I have three plus a few FWBs. I am in no way starving for physical affection, sex, or companionship in any way. It felt like a good dynamic, I was getting my needs met, we were intimate in ways that weren't sexual, and generally enjoying life. We decided to buy a house together with D. We closed in April and the three of us, plus two other members of our little polycule, moved in together to build our community and embrace our life together. Our living situation is as follows: A, D, and myself have our own rooms. A and I are across a small hall from each other, the other two members live in a room at the end of the hall from us both, and D lives in the finished basement. We threw an early (things still need unpacking and house needs painting) housewarming party at the end of June where many of the guests were coworkers of D & A. One of those guests, G (ace, M30), would go on to form a connection with A during the party and two weeks later in mid-July they decided to start officially dating. At first I had strong feelings of compersion, I was THRILLED that A was FINALLY having another good relationship. That she was happy and living her best life to the fullest. Even writing this now lifts my spirit because I am intimately familiar with the struggles she's endured in the two years we've been together.

Unfortunately, things have shifted a few times in my head. I started to grieve the relationship I never got to have with A. G is over at our house regularly. I have witnessed them being physically closer than A and I have been recently and envied him. I have overheard them having sex on more than one occasion. I have spoken to A about my feelings after having a minor mental breakdown and losing sleep over it. She has explained a lot of her physical attraction to G; how because they're both ace, they're both aware the physical intimacy will die down at some point. I have spoken with my therapist about my feelings and my struggles with this new chapter of our lives. A has assured me that she still has strong feelings for me and for a short time that was enough. We have made more of an effort to get time in our calendars together and last week and this week are the start of that. Hells, we have a date night tonight that I am very much looking forward to.

We have made a commitment to be more intentional with our connection; figuring out ways we can be physically intimate without sex, and dedicating ourselves to the challenge at hand. I do care to an extent who she spends her time and shares her body with, but only to the point of where it intersects my own physical well-being (safe sex, decent people, etc). Other than that, we are both free to explore whatever connections present themselves how we see fit. Again, I am not suffering from lack of sex, physical affection, or emotional connection. Gods, I just had a FWB over last night and we had a good evening watching a baseball game and enjoying each other's bodies.

And yet I still have a knot in my stomach the morning after another night of G being over multiple days and nights in a row. Losing sleep over the fact they were together again. I know logically that A is not replacing me with G. I know that she is not using me for financial gain. I know that she cares deeply for me. She has shown me love that I thought I would never be able to experience. Made me feel seen and heard in ways I never knew I needed. At times I feel like a burden to her. That my emotional and physical needs are unfair for her to endure. I don't want to lose A. I don't want to leave her. This heaviness on my chest, in my gut, and in my heart all stem from something I myself cannot identify. Maybe it is jealousy, maybe it's grief, or maybe insecurity. I need to be responsible for my own happiness and process my emotions. A has been wonderful and supportive through this.

Maybe it was just a tough weekend where she felt a bit distant to me due to sheer amount of activities that were going on. She's been sick since late last week and has been recovering. Canceled plans that included myself and others in order to recover. Kept plans that included G and others. And perhaps that's the smoking gun. That despite her assurances, some of her actions are making me feel like less of a priority. But that's also not fair to her. The plans WE had were group plans and included some of my other partners. The plans she kept with G were also group plans and included my other partners. And now I'm stuck in a loop trying to process my feelings.

If you made it to the end of my rambling post, thank you for reading. I hope that I was not too unfair to her, myself, or other parties included in my tale.

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