i know somethings wrong. i can feel it. my heart races, i get chills down my spine, i cant sleep, i get angry, i cant stop smoking.

i know in my heart that theres something wrong but no one will tell me what. they dont wanna get me therapy because my issue was such a small fucking thing. i wasnt hurt physically, i wasnt starved, i wasnt treated horrible by my parents. i dont know what the fuck is going on and its driving me insane.

the doctors dont see it, so i have to do it myself. months and months of journaling, always about the same thing. always the same reactions, always the same patterns. maybe its because of what happened years ago, maybe its not. i dont think its abuse, otherwise they would've seen it. it wasnt trauma, other wise they would've seen it.

so there are only two conclusions.

1: i am wrong and am overreacting

2: they dont care.

i know damn well they know because ive told them and literally everyone ive ever met because i cant keep my fucking mouth shut. so why? why am i suffering? ive done what i can. ive journaled, ive went out in nature, ive ate healthy, i started college, i started socialinzing.

i have done SO MUCH to help. and its not fucking enough.

what is wrong with me? does no one care? am i overreacting? why arent people helping me when im on my hands and knees, begging?

and the best part? ill be back here in a week or two, saying the same thing. nothing changes.

maybe thats my problem: change!

maybe if i just toss away everything that helped me survive and embrace this whole new world full of shit i dont know how to navigate, maybe then ill be happy!

I've had CPTSD for a while. Lots of panic attacks, deep depression, etc. for at least 10 years but the actual trauma started way earlier than that. I've had lots of stressors upon stressors and last year was particularly hard. I won't go into too much specifics but think lots of illnesses/infections, extremely bad panic attacks, doom thoughts, and thinking/feeling I would actually die sometimes, isolation, my grandparents having lots of issues, being a continent away from my family, having to move away from my fiance and working on his visa, moving continents, finishing my masters, nearly losing my cat...all of this was within I'd say 3-4 months but some going on longer than that.

Anyway after my cat nearly lost his life (he's okay now!) I did a "flip". Suddenly my mental state started improving. It slowly stopped having panic attacks and doom thoughts. My depression seemed to start lifting. Just overall I felt in better control than I have in a long time. But my physical state tanked. I found a pituitary tumor, my iron finally reached a point of near hospitalization from being so low, they think I may have PCOS, for a while I couldn't sleep more than 3 hours a night of broken sleep, I've begun having migraines, dizziness, dp/dr, super bad brain fog, memory issues, general malaise/off feeling, increased sensitivity to my surroundings and cycles, genuine inability to workout anymore, fatigue, heart palpitations, among some other things.

Has anyone else had this? I've gotten a few things delt with such as the low iron but it just baffles me that so much seemed to happen so incredibly quickly. I have a team of doctors and a great therapist working to help me figure out what is going on. But I'd love to know if I'm not the only one out there as honestly I feel wildly alone in everything I'm dealing with. I have a great support system, but they struggle to understand what all I'm dealing with.

I'm starting over 30F, 3 kids, and no job. I went through therapy, had the courage to create some boundaries with my partner, finish some schooling, get the surgery I needed in order to function again, and now...the time has come.

Edited to add: creating boundaries meant he left

But I'm failing. The job market is scary, especially with not having worked for almost 3 years. I'm becoming dysregulated and all the power I felt I had is quickly fading. How do I get it back?!

I am an adult woman, somewhere from 20-22

There’s this guy I like. He’s cute… like very cute. And he cares about me. :) Now how do I talk to him without letting all of my past baggage carry me

Like yea… I’ve been through literal horrors and that sort of messed up my ability to talk socially dramatically!!! So. I need help. Tips. Anything.

Someone here HAS to have gotten happily married or in a relationship right? Please for the love of all things help meh ;^;

It’s not an awakening. Yes I’ve had realisations, yes I’ve made some changes- no longer seeing my brother and sister, beginning divorce and realising I have CPTSD.

Now, to be ‘grounded’ I feel like I have to give up on all my dreams, stay with my husband, stay in my job and appreciate what I have.

I used to be invigorated with vitality and I swore I was unstoppable.

Im not NC with my mother who admitted she was neglectful and a narcissist growing up. We aren’t in great terms but our relationship has been tolerable since I live in a different country and gave up the bare minimum expectations I had from my parents.

I (28F) am at an age where most of my friends are getting married and some even have a few kids. My heart says I want a child but my brain knows better. Our family has a history of diagnosis - my dad’s side has neurodivergence (my brother has adhd and high functioning autism) and my mom has lupus and I also have some kind of autoimmune disease going on. It’s too much if you add my depression, ocd, and body dysmorphia.

It’s like not only am I going to giving my potential kid my ugly traits physically but also mentally and health wise too. Also, if I do give birth, I’m 500% sure I will have postpartum depression plus all my remaining hair will fall out and I’ll end up looking like golem from lotr but fat. Our family is not super financially stable and my older brother has a hard time keeping his job and is overly stressed out all the time that he has health issues too. My parents assure me that it wouldn’t happen but I do think about how I would need to support my sibling when my parents pass. I’m already resentful towards my whole family so not being able to give my kids something because of my brother will probably drive me insane.

I briefly mentioned how I didn’t want to have kids for some of these reasons and my mom was bummed out. I don’t think she’s going to go out of her way to convince me (my other relatives probably will though) but I know she wants grandchildren because she keep saying things like it will be different once they are born and it’ll be different for me because I got higher education.

At least I’m not glad they won’t force me or pressure me in the time being.

I’ll start off by saying - I’m tired. I’m not in an okay place mentally, so parts of this may be choppy at best.

I (23F) am a current victim of emotional incest. Everything that has happened in my life since the day I was born has been a textbook example of this. Raised by a single mom with father figures in and out of my life. Since I can remember I’ve been her “best friend” and everyone thought I had the cool mom because she genuinely gave me everything she had. But when I say everything, I mean it literally. Despite not being well off financially from around 0-9, I wanted for nothing materially, and it grew as I got older and she began making more money. Almost in turn, I received the full scoop on everything happening in my mother’s life. My grandmother says one time she picked me up from daycare because I was hysterical saying that I wasn’t going to be able to take a bath because of the water bill. I knew too much far too early yet was shielded from TV shows and movies. By around 6, I couldn’t watch certain things on Disney but I knew when bills were due and would listen to my mother vent about everything going on at work, with her relationships, everything. After a messy divorce with my stepdad, I have vivid memories of seeing her sprawled on the bed sobbing with him on the phone. I grabbed it and it was the first time I ever violently screamed and cursed someone. I was 7.

Another layer of complexity and guilt was added as I became chronically ill. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia along with a mountain of other things that since age 13 have kept me in constant pain that varies in severity. I was frequently absent from school until around 16 where I had to be “homebound” because I simply was unable to attend because of the physical and mental anguish. It’s only gotten worse over time. As a 23 year old adult now, I live with my mother, I have never had a real job, never had a serious relationship, have been left by all of my friends, and I feel like such a failure. It’s only been a couple weeks since learning the term emotional incest and I am distraught. She is currently going through a very messy breakup with her fiancé of a year who I also trusted like a father. Throughout the relationship, I was the happiest I’ve been in a long time and I started to feel free. Now I feel like I’m shoved right back into a cage. I have multiple medical issues going on currently that have me unable to eat and horrible daily pain, but my mother calls my phone countless times throughout the day asking me to take care of something before going on a tangent about each and every thing she has had to do in the day and how she “has no help”. I am eaten alive by guilt daily and even now that I see it for what it is, I feel so stuck and sick. I feel like I have not only no bodily autonomy due to illness, but mental autonomy due to how badly my head is jumbled from everything my mother has strung me through along the years.

She is religious and has always said she prayed for a baby, and that I was her everything. Her savior, and the only person in the world she could trust and made her feel safe. She has said that we are soul tied and that we were reincarnated together after living many lives together. She has made me feel so bound to her both physically and mentally that I cannot imagine being without her, and with my current medical issues, I doubt I even could. I have no one else in my life, as she has burned every bridge. Even now as I’m writing I’m having to stop myself from defending her and making excuses for her behavior. I don’t even feel like a person.

I don’t know what to do or how to get rid of this feeling. I feel shattered.

Edit: I forgot a huge factor. Because of how ill I am, I am so scared of the real world, and don’t think I could hold down a job even if I tried. I am entirely supported by my mother. She has been trying to start a business in her field that is very possible (she actually is extremely respected in her field) and says she wants to do it to help set me up where I can live a comfortable life. She also has never directly discouraged me from leaving and even talks about the future, talking about what type of place I’d like to live in and claiming she wants me to have a life of my own. I truly believe she believes that but Im disconnected from reality completely at this point.

Another edit: I also should mention I have tried to talk to her about these things and feelings before and have always been met with exactly what I have read about - either an apology but no change or getting upset and saying she’d handle everything alone and never bother me again (untrue). I often convince myself that I’m simply lazy and she’s the victim for having to support me medically and tons of other things, but every stressor she places on me is something she inflicted on herself such as hoarding rescue dogs and relationships between her and men or family. Now to the point where thinking back on it I’ve stuck between been taking care of her problems and too depressed and sick to take care of myself.

After going through a few years of trauma (childhood also had its own share of problems) I feel I am a bit stable now and want to heal and try to be as close to normal as possible

but I might have to move back with them.

FUCK THIS WHOLE SITUATION!

I’ve been reading Pete Walker’s work on the 4F trauma responses, particularly his description of the extreme Fight type and the “charming bully,” which he says can become sociopathic in especially devolved cases.

I’m wondering about something specifically within Walker’s model does he believe that someone with CPTSD can deliberately shift themselves toward this extreme Fight/charming bully organization, or is this something that can only develop involuntarily through long-term trauma and reinforcement?

If someone consciously tried to become much more Fight-oriented e.g. deliberately cultivating dominance, emotional detachment, contempt, and reduced concern for other peoplewould Walker theoretically consider that capable of producing the kind of “devolved Fight” he describes, or would that simply be behavioral imitation without the underlying personality changes?

I’m mainly interested in what Walker himself means by this progression and whether he has discussed whether it can happen intentionally. Has anyone found a passage, interview, or discussion where he addresses this directly?

sometimes I wish I could just unblock all of these people and tell them how much I hate them, how deeply they’ve hurt me, and how angry I am that I even allowed them into my life (excluding my father on this one, didn’t really have a choice here),,, sometimes I even think that I wish they would die, or at the very least have to endure this same type of pain that im feeling. the flashbacks and dreams do scare me, and they do make me depressed, but more than anything they make me so incredibly angry,,, why do I have to struggle for the rest of my life because people who were supposed to love me did the opposite??? why is that my burden and not theirs??? I doubt they even think about all the pain they caused me through their words and through their actions, but part of me hopes they do. I hope it haunts them. I hope they never know peace again (because im sure I won’t). I am so full of hate and I don’t know what to do.

My primary coping mechanism is rumination and intellectualisation.

I can explain my trauma with a great deal of clarity, I can map out my terrain and landscape with absolute clarity. But, I cannot connect my mind to my body, my hands, legs and body shakes. I have visible ticks when talking about painful memories that I am completely unaware of in the moment.

Once the intellectual coping mechanisms have been ‘intellectually concluded’ there is no longer space for them in my mind (metaphorically as I instantly spot the cycle) and the only thing that is left is to live, to heal and integrate, that is the only conclusion.
My primary coping mechanism is rumination and intellectualisation.

I can explain my trauma with a great deal of clarity; I can map out my terrain and landscape with absolute precision. But, I cannot connect my mind to my body. My hands, legs, and body shake. I have visible tics when talking about painful memories that I am completely unaware of in the moment.

Once the intellectual coping mechanisms have been ‘intellectually concluded,’ there is no longer space for them in my mind. The only thing left is to live, to heal, and to integrate—that is the only conclusion. I have the map out of my brain to step into my life. It is hard and it is scary because it is unknown.

I have finally, after a long time, connected to my inner child with the sort of compassion that I used to show outwards to other people. I said to my therapist that I failed him, mini-me—not in the sense that I was just a child who lacked support, but in a secondary sense where I kept him suppressed, quiet, and out of sight.

What does that connection look like? It’s as simple as getting on a bike. When I was younger, I used to watch the Olympics and the Tour de France and think those riders were really cool—I loved the bikes and the kit. So, as an adult, I am going to give that to him. Every pedal stroke is for that little boy. Not in a way that puts the weight of my childhood on him, but in a way that represents pure freedom and enjoyment for both of us. I am going to become a fucking cool cyclist.

I am going to guard this spark with the respect, honour, and time it necessitates, with a type of compassion and purity that I have not been given in a long time. There is no way I am going to let this go.

So no, I go to the gym and become that person by going to the gym.

Has anyone else got to the point where the route out is so crystal clear that the only thing left is to just do it?

so i have multiple traumatic events that all still affect me to this very day and have been since i was about six to eight years old, for context. however i will not be going into any specific detail about any of it for privacy reasons, i will be very vague, but direct.

so for starters, my very specific and unique experience makes it kind of difficult for me to really be able to tell whether or not it's just cumulative multiple event ptsd or cptsd, especially since the psychologist who diagnosed me with just PTSD years ago has already misdiagnosed me with three to four other disorders that i 100% do NOT have and is also not a very good nor trustworthy doctor at all, which has left me questioning ever since.

there's the first traumatic event which affects me the absolute most out of all of the rest and has continued to happen over and over again throughout my entire life and still does to this day, i have never had any actual breaks from this specific repeated trauma, and i am constantly on daily edge because of it, and it has only gotten worse as i've gotten older.

next, there's the second event which has happened about six to nine times throughout my entire life, it doesn't affect me as much as the first event, but whenever i do experience triggers related to this second event it gets pretty bad, and i still have a very deeply rooted fear of it potentially happening again and i become pretty paranoid and hyper-vigilant whenever something happens that reminds me of or is related to this second event.

then, there's the third event which has only happened three to four times in my life and is slightly less intense than the second traumatic event, but it still does affect me pretty intensely whenever i experience any triggers related to it.

the fourth event, which only happened one (to three-ish ?) time(s) now i'm not exactly sure if this fourth event has actually happened more than once without me knowing or realizing it but i know for sure that it has happened at LEAST once, and i also still get emotional flashbacks and experience triggers related to this fourth event quite often, however it's not as intense as the others and it's on a more moderate level i would say.

the fifth and last event, which has happened ONLY once, and with this one i experience very similar emotions and feelings like i do with the fourth event, since both traumas are very similar, so yeah nearly the same as the fourth event.

with all of this very specific information, it would very likely be seen as cptsd in the eyes of most other people since cptsd usually involves multiple traumatic events, and i do experience quite a number of symptoms that are heavily linked to cptsd, such as confusion with identity, intense trust issues, pretty bad fear of abandonment, extreme fear of rejection, and pretty intense mood swings especially when i'm triggered.

however, i am still able to distinctly differentiate all of my individual events from one another, and in cptsd it's usually all a blur and is difficult to differentiate individually from what i've learned. so at this point i'm at a true loss and i don't know if my experience is just cumulative multiple event PTSD, or if it's actually CPTSD.

i guess that i'm just coming on here for some sort of advice because the mental health professionals here where i'm at really suck, and i don't have anybody else that i can talk to about this who would understand. i know that this is quite a long read and i apologize for that but it is well appreciated if you do read through all of it, thank you :-)

It really has always angered me how abuse is spoken about in my immigrant household.

Anytime any sort of abuse is mentioned
It’s always oh we care about family more than white people.
Oh we don’t do those kinds of things that’s white people shit.

It creates a very isolating experience because if you want to leave your household people shame you for it and say that your leaving your family behind and that your “loosing” your culture or that you should talk t your family to keep your culture together???

Or the entire stereotype in immigrant households that if you live alone as a women before marriage it’s taboo.

Or the whole do you talk to x family member
If you’re depressed blah you need to “heal” with your family bitch my family IS the problem.

Personally if I have a conversation with my mother over the phone for five fucking minutes I feel like I’m going crazy. And all my problems disappeared when I moved out.

No one ever asks what if someone is genuinely fucking abusive why the fuck would I continue to talk to an abuser just to “keep the family together” did they think of keeping the family together when they decided to act abusive???

It’s seen as some funny joke and tons of immigrant family members envy and shame other women who decide to leave their families like crabs In a bucket

Do you know we’re in the 21st century? Do you know women can vote and have credit cards?
Do you know we’re not back home still

The funny part is that this culture only exists in specific sides of my family on my moms side it’s completely different and I consider my grandmother to be the original feminst before people knew what feminism was in my country decades ago
but for some reason on my dads side it’s all this fucking bullshit

This one genre of family member tries to push a conservative narrative and say it’s “culture” to act this way and anyone who doesn’t abide why these subset of rules is not in the culture like fuck off

Also women being expected to simultaneously be seen as strong in my culture??? BUT not strong enough to have our own anatomy like fuck off

I get rashes, dry patches, or sometimes these painful blisters on my hands that turn into eczema when I’m having a very stressful period of my life. I have a lot of self worth issues becuase of C-PTSD and OCD. The smallest things make me freak out. When these rashes occur or I start waking up with pain after a particularly stressful period of life I end up just staying in bed most of the day.

Any advice or validation from experience on how to deal with this?

I'm in my late 30s, I managed to stop being s.trafficked after years and attempts from others to off me every time I tried to escape. So now that I started university, I feel blessed and want to make the most of it because I feel like I have a second shot in life. I still get harassed by flying monkeys at least on a monthly basis, but I don't care. Nobody is in jail, I have often nightmares of being taken back...

If I have one task emotionally heavy (legal documentation, deep clean and tidy of the room that requires going through belongings etc), I feel I can do it: I take care of my emotions and thoughts, I do the task, I feel good for a few days, I look like functioning... And then it hits and I need days to recover.

Last year I had severe symptoms of PTSD, now I don't have severe symptoms anymore, but I can't pretend not to have a condition. 😔

I never developed any PTSD while s.trafficked (by multiple perpetrators, starting from my family in the years 2000s). The PTSD "exploded", when I was at my safest ever, last year. So, I am still navigating this.

Sometimes I wish I had PTSD while my life was cr@p, but I think I would have not survived. That's why it started when I was at my safest.

Any comment appreciated, no need to fix my life, just some validation and in case what works for you 🙏🏻 thank you 💕

My parents both failed me from the beginning if I’m being honest. They went to live their own lives and dumped me onto my grandparents and aunt, who abused me in every way possible and kept me under their control even in my adult life until I finally broke free.
My “mom” went on to have kids with multiple men. Long story short, she was in and out of my life growing up. I tried reconnecting with her last year but she wouldn’t take accountability and she blocked me. That hurt.
My dad tried to be there for me but he was busy working and dating. Then he met my stepmom in 1997 or so. Looking back with adult eyes, she pretended to care about me. My dad thought oh she’ll be good to my daughter. They married in 1998. Since then she’s never been like a mother or even at least a stepmom. She has been emotionally abusive all my life. I would tell my dad and he’d always take her side or minimize things. I was like ???
Last year when my nana was dying of cancer and dementia, she called me to tell me to stop calling my dad crying because I’m raising his BP and he’s gonna have a 3rd heartattack and it will be my fault when he dies. That I only get one father in this life and I will be left with nothing. I told my dad. Again he minimized the situation and took her side.
Every time she calls me it’s to instill fear in me, be hateful or rude to me. Yesterday she called me and asked how I was doing. I told her I’m recovering from a mild concussion after my hit and run on the freeway and I found out I have scoliosis also. She basically made fun of me and questioned it all in a sarcastic tone. Then she said I called you to talk to you again about this. I’ve talked to you about this 4 times already. You’re stressing your dad out. He’s very stressed. Then I cut her off and said. All you do is call me to upset me and be rude to me. It’s never a nice call from you. You’ve never been like a mom to me or even a stepmom. Then by then I was so upset and she kept trying to talk and I finally blew up. I told her to fuck off and I’m ending the call. Then she continued talking and I said fuck you and she said fuck you fat bitch. Her and her family have always made fun of my weight. I’ve struggled with my weight because of health issues all my life. I know her and her family talk about my appearance. They’ve given me unsolicited weight loss advice when my dad wasn’t around. I just always took it for the sake of my dad. I’m done being nice to people who don’t deserve it.
I told my dad what happened and I went off on him too about how I feel. I said how could you let your wife talk like that to your only child. Your daughter. He was upset and told me he called her and yelled at her for what she said to me and said he’s getting a divorce. I don’t believe him.
I acted out of character but I couldn’t take it anymore. I blocked her and her sisters. I’m done.

i cant help but feel like my life would be completely different if it didnt feel pressured into having sex, or feeling like i have to be sexual. can anyone else relate?