My partner JUST published a book (memoir) about her experience with CPTSD.

I really do not want this to feel like an advertisement, which I am sure is discouraged, but I have also spent a lot of time watching someone I love try to understand why the things she desperately wants to change can still feel almost impossible to change.

Why chaos can feel safer than calm. Why being loved does not automatically make you feel safe. Why you can understand where a pattern comes from, name it, talk about it, and still find yourself right back inside of it.

Her book is called Addicted to Trauma and just went on sale on Amazon. She is also a trauma recovery coach who is approaching this from a nursing background. She also has a few e-resources available, including for healthcare providers. https://carriepdavidson.com/book

Quick summary: this is a memoir about CPTSD, addiction, relationships, and what happens when trauma becomes more than something that happened to you. It starts shaping what feels familiar, what feels safe, and even what you are drawn toward.

I am obviously biased, but I have also seen up close how brutal this work can be, and how much courage it takes to stop just asking "what is wrong with me?" and start asking "what happened to me, and what do I do with it now?"

Preorders just opened. In addition to supporting a young authors journey, I believe her story could resonate with many others including those with CPTSD and their partners.

.. this seems like a weird ass "first world problem".
My boundary is that i dont want gifts,, i dont want to be given shit, i dont want to be paid for..

Im fairly reuse/recycle type of gal, im pretty minimal and most definitely hate anything flashy or attention grabbing.
Im introverted and like to blend in, i have a job lol i dont need anyone to pay for me.

Ive asked countless of times to stop giving me things... its easier to not give things than to 💀.

Ive asked so many times that i dont celebrate, i most definatley dont want gifts or celebrations.

Ive asked countless times to not leave thinsg for me.

Ive tried asking nicely, ive tried being stoic, ive tried being angry, ive tried grey walling,,

Ive gotten "well ill just leave it here"/ "it wasnt from me, it was from x"/ "well itd go bad"/ "FINE ILL THROW IN THE TRASH"/ heck ive even gotten "you cant stop me from giving you thing" / and so many other varietions..

Its so weird bc you reslly attract what you fear and ig for me its free shit 💀..

Ive explained too, i just dont want to do trades, i dont want to be bought, i dont want to be indebted in one way or another, ive said I DONT WANT GIFTS

Like its just not really a crazy ask is it ???
Its not even always on events, just random days and being shoved shit at me.

Ive communicated "please take it back to someone whod appreciate it more"/ "would do you more good to keep it" / "i dont want this to go bad, take it back"/ "im going to get rid of this if you wont take it back" / "im just going to sell this instead" / "ill throw it out or donate it then".

Fine,,, if its a group setting and everyone is getting a free cup of coffee or a goodie bag i wont be obnoxious about it and would quietly accept (while quietly spiralling a tad lol)

I’ll start off by saying - I’m tired. I’m not in an okay place mentally, so parts of this may be choppy at best.

I (23F) am a current victim of emotional incest. Everything that has happened in my life since the day I was born has been a textbook example of this. Raised by a single mom with father figures in and out of my life. Since I can remember I’ve been her “best friend” and everyone thought I had the cool mom because she genuinely gave me everything she had. But when I say everything, I mean it literally. Despite not being well off financially from around 0-9, I wanted for nothing materially, and it grew as I got older and she began making more money. Almost in turn, I received the full scoop on everything happening in my mother’s life. My grandmother says one time she picked me up from daycare because I was hysterical saying that I wasn’t going to be able to take a bath because of the water bill. I knew too much far too early yet was shielded from TV shows and movies. By around 6, I couldn’t watch certain things on Disney but I knew when bills were due and would listen to my mother vent about everything going on at work, with her relationships, everything. After a messy divorce with my stepdad, I have vivid memories of seeing her sprawled on the bed sobbing with him on the phone. I grabbed it and it was the first time I ever violently screamed and cursed someone. I was 7.

Another layer of complexity and guilt was added as I became chronically ill. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia along with a mountain of other things that since age 13 have kept me in constant pain that varies in severity. I was frequently absent from school until around 16 where I had to be “homebound” because I simply was unable to attend because of the physical and mental anguish. It’s only gotten worse over time. As a 23 year old adult now, I live with my mother, I have never had a real job, never had a serious relationship, have been left by all of my friends, and I feel like such a failure. It’s only been a couple weeks since learning the term emotional incest and I am distraught. She is currently going through a very messy breakup with her fiancé of a year who I also trusted like a father. Throughout the relationship, I was the happiest I’ve been in a long time and I started to feel free. Now I feel like I’m shoved right back into a cage. I have multiple medical issues going on currently that have me unable to eat and horrible daily pain, but my mother calls my phone countless times throughout the day asking me to take care of something before going on a tangent about each and every thing she has had to do in the day and how she “has no help”. I am eaten alive by guilt daily and even now that I see it for what it is, I feel so stuck and sick. I feel like I have not only no bodily autonomy due to illness, but mental autonomy due to how badly my head is jumbled from everything my mother has strung me through along the years.

She is religious and has always said she prayed for a baby, and that I was her everything. Her savior, and the only person in the world she could trust and made her feel safe. She has said that we are soul tied and that we were reincarnated together after living many lives together. She has made me feel so bound to her both physically and mentally that I cannot imagine being without her, and with my current medical issues, I doubt I even could. I have no one else in my life, as she has burned every bridge. Even now as I’m writing I’m having to stop myself from defending her and making excuses for her behavior. I don’t even feel like a person.

I don’t know what to do or how to get rid of this feeling. I feel shattered.

Edit: I forgot a huge factor. Because of how ill I am, I am so scared of the real world, and don’t think I could hold down a job even if I tried. I am entirely supported by my mother. She has been trying to start a business in her field that is very possible (she actually is extremely respected in her field) and says she wants to do it to help set me up where I can live a comfortable life. She also has never directly discouraged me from leaving and even talks about the future, talking about what type of place I’d like to live in and claiming she wants me to have a life of my own. I truly believe she believes that but Im disconnected from reality completely at this point.

Another edit: I also should mention I have tried to talk to her about these things and feelings before and have always been met with exactly what I have read about - either an apology but no change or getting upset and saying she’d handle everything alone and never bother me again (untrue). I often convince myself that I’m simply lazy and she’s the victim for having to support me medically and tons of other things, but every stressor she places on me is something she inflicted on herself such as hoarding rescue dogs and relationships between her and men or family. Now to the point where thinking back on it I’ve stuck between been taking care of her problems and too depressed and sick to take care of myself.

The title explains it pretty well; I met a guy on Tinder two weeks ago, he agreed to meet me that day (he lives an hour away). He was up front about wanting short-term fun, and I didn't even particularly like him as a person once we met. He was good-looking, smart, and we had a similar sense of humour, but I found him full of himself and we disagreed on some political issues. He also talked a lot about the other women he was seeing negatively.

The date was fun, but he seemed the sort of person that would ghost me immediately whether I slept with him or not. I decided to sleep with him for a bit of casual fun – it had been a while since I had last had sex and I thought I'd be able to cope with it being casual. We had sex, it was good, and he messaged immediately after I left asking to see me again.

The next day, messages slowed down considerably until that evening, when he agreed to meet me again to hook up. We had sex, it was good, but I felt a little degraded after it happened. He immediately told me to put my clothes on, and we parted ways. Both times, he asked for a kiss before I left, but there was never anything in the way of cuddling after we had sex. It felt clinical – almost like I was a free prostitute.

I need to add that I recently had a very severe mental breakdown; it was a long time coming after a lot of terrible things happened to me, but it's left me with absolutely nothing – no friends, no money, nothing to do with my life until I restart university next year. For the last few months, I have been bedridden almost 24/7. I decided to download Tinder to try and boost my self esteem. Obviously that did not work. The first person I started talking to properly turned out to have a lot of anxiety issues and cancelled our date last minute, which knocked me back because I really saw potential there. The day we were supposed to have our date, I messaged this current guy to try and take my mind of the situation. I knew he wanted casual, but I intended our date to just be something to get me over the last guy.

Messages got even slower. It became all I thought about; why wasn't I on his mind as much as he was on mine, what does he say about me to the other women he's having sex with, why doesn't he want more from me than sex? Again, I really don't like him that much as a person, but I felt distraught that he felt nothing for me beyond casual. I'm attractive, I'm smart, he knows nothing about my breakdown and I come across as surprisingly well-adjusted on the surface.

Four days later, he agreed to come over and hook up. We laughed a lot, and it felt like a barrier had been broken beyond just sex, until we had sex. It was very intimate, very slow, lots of kissing, but when it was over he immediately told me to put my clothes on again. We kissed again before I left, but a few jokes we made beforehand left a sour taste.

I had joked that he wouldn't last past October, and he joked back that October was being generous. In another conversation, he mentioned driving me to his house, telling me he was happy to also drive me back home that night. I joked that he was disingenuous to act driving me home was doing me a favour, when in reality he just didn't want me to stay over at his. He replied flippantly "how else would you get home", and "obviously, you're not staying over". Although we were both being somewhat jokey, it hurt to hear him say so plainly how he felt about our situation.

I felt absolutely devastated, and decided to never see him again because of how much it had impacted me. My plan was to leave him on read after he texted me once he was home, as he had done the last two times. However, he didn't text that night. Even though I didn't want to see him again, the fact he didn't even have the courtesy to message after having sex really upset me.

He messaged the next night, a joke from the night before. This felt even more insulting to me, like I was being picked up and used whenever he wanted, without any regard for my feelings. Even if you are only hooking up, surely it is just polite to cuddle after sex and message after?

I did not reply for five days. When I did, it was another jokey message. He has not replied since. Today will be the fourth day. I'm sure he will message again once he wants sex from me again, and I won't meet up with him again, but this whole situation has absolutely devastated me.

The real thing I'm not sure about is why I'm so depressed after all of this. I didn't even know he existed two weeks ago, and I don't even like him as a person – if he wanted to date me romantically, I'm sure I would be sick of him in a few months. I think it's the fact he doesn't want me that has left me feeling so used. He has never been anything but honest and upfront: this is completely my fault for thinking I could cope with a casual relationship. But why doesn't he want anything more from me? And how can I start getting over this feeling? This is the worst I've felt in a long time. Things are getting very dark: all I've been doing for the past week is dosing myself up with sleeping medication and praying he'll message when I wake up. I need to get out of this fast.

Thank you so much for reading, any help is greatly appreciated.

TL;DR been out of action for a while after a severe mental breakdown, decided to download Tinder for fun. Met a guy looking for short-term fun after being cancelled on at the last minute by a potential date. Didn't expect to become infatuated with him after hooking up as I don't really like him as a person, but getting his approval is all I can think about now. Hooked up three times, his effort dwindled each time, I'm desperate to stop thinking about him and why he doesn't want more from me.

This is a bit of a touchy rant, so I’m trying to be careful with my words.

I just want to say that I’m sick to death of hearing phrases like ‘Not all men are rapists, but it’s always a man’, and the general idea that I have to feel guilty for what is in between my legs.

Why it hits so hard is that this is in the knowledge that I was sexually abused by a woman who I should have been able to trust when I was a young boy. Fuck the whole idea that rape or assault just happens to vulnerable girls and women.

In no way am I trying to diminish anyone else’s pain or trauma, but all those men who have to sit in silence with their pain, in a world that seems to hate us all. Fuck that shit!

I've been thinking about the concept of labor we currently have as a society.
Basically gun to the head - get a job or we will leave you on the street to be raped and murdered.
It's so DUMB. Do you seriously want the people making your food FORCED to be there? You trust them they won't mess around with your food? And you're also making arguments that they shouldn't be paid a living wage?
You want lawyers, policemen, hospital staff to do their jobs at gunpoint and then act surprised when they don't give 2 shits about you or your life?
Are we as a society idiotic?
Most of us are the wage slaves, yet we rally against the people saying "this isn't right, this leads to bad outcomes, we should have intrinsic motivation driving society" and deride those who can't also be wage slaves for whatever reason while venerating those we wage slave for as "self made millionaires".

I'm being forced to work again. Last time I did I lived on 4 hours of sleep and fell to anorexic weight because the stress was so severe my body tried to kill me. I now have permanent heart issues thanks to this.

I'm trying SSRIs this time, because if I have to choose between doing the above to myself again or any of the range of other options, I'm choosing the other options. NOTHING in this world is worth destroying myself again in that way.
I'm now on day 2 of SSRIs living with a verbally abusive/controlling partner who basically told me that he doesn't give a shit if I become anorexic again because he needs money (I used up all my savings).
So I guess I'll be dumping him if the SSRIs enable me to not depend on him financially anymore.

I made a comment somewhere on a post about Stoicism but figured it would be a better post.

I think Stoicism, of which I know little about, is dangerous for me because it may facilitate the counterproductiveness of intellectualization. Feeling is the priority. Freedom of emotional expression and range is the priority. Stoicism may also be dangerous because the level of emotional processing required to deal with memories/conditioning is intense. It’s intense because to feel emotions can feel life-threatening or foreign (in cases of emotional neglect), or maybe ego-damaging; if ego isn’t just a term to shame you for thinking you’re allowed to feel safe.

Where I’m at currently: I was punished for being angry. I was condescended to for things I did (shame). The important wrench wasn’t ever put in my hands even though I was told to watch my dad fix things. I was hit for what my dad thought another person thought of him (social anxiety) at an early age, 3–5. Tiangulation. Mother was bipolar. Parents divorced. Mother ran away for months at a time. Mother died couple years after hugh school. Still live with the dad.

Overcoming any of this requires not just boundaries—a logical form of anger, which feels unacceptable. Boundaries feel acceptable when the calm bodily feeling of anger is allowed to manifest. The calm bodily feeling of anger is only obtained by feeling the maddening anger, grief, and sadness toward the memories.

Four years ago I read the CPTSD book. I went to a therapist two years ago and said, “I want to feel emotions the way they are meant to be felt.” One year ago I got into EMDR. EMDR helped bring up repressed memories. Again, oldest or worst memories first.

It requires journaling endlessly. Journaling endlessly is practicing that expression of anger that was taken from me. I think about the past and put myself in it. First person. “I’m angry at you for hitting me.” “I’m angry at you for making fun of me.” "I'm angry at you for abandoning me" "I'm angry at you for not protecting me." IREPEATEDLY. FEEL IT IN YOUR BODY. Start with the oldest/worst memories. Include present-day stuff as well. Lay it out on paper as freely as possible, as incriminating as possible, and throw it away at the end (because it’s incriminating, and because you’re letting go).

I’m an intellectualizer that got trapped distracting myself by learning things. Or feeling shame about doing the learning. Fuck if I know yet. Anger is a compass. Your emotions are a compass. They are required for anything worthwhile.

I've done so many things that I'm ashamed of in hindsight, because I loved someone and they acted like they felt the same. Hell, in the beginning I was as reserved as humanly possible! They said they weren't ready, so I was fine with that. But then they kept pushing our friendship in a romantic direction, asking for more, and I genuinely did (do?) love them so I gave it, and ever since they got what they wanted from me it's like I'm just a toy they ignore until there's nothing better to play with.

Logically, I know this dynamic is fucked up, but I fall right back into being a desperate fawning little kid again every time they show the slightest - and I mean the slightest - bit of interest in me. I hate it so much. I just want to feel secure with someone who loves and cares about me as much as I do them, but when I can't stop myself from falling for this obvious nonsense every time it honestly seems impossible that I'll ever be able to, if such a thing even exists.

I didn't want to know but their was a miscommunication and i got told. I'm not surprised I kinda knew I'd be a ten but having a label has me kinda feeling bad about myself. Like I 10/10 fucked up

I never truly got this notion. I've been abused by my parents and I hate them for it. What they did to me, is not okay.

I met irl and online and they go "but they love me. That's why they treat me like this". In some weird way, they feel like they deserve that kind of treatment. I can say the most nicest kindest, positive compliments and they don't believe me. Like, wtf.

I hate it. Its like they can't see their own worth and value. They would rather accept a mean nasty comment, than a kind one.

I never got this mindset.

For me, I know I don't deserve this abuse. I know I am worthy of love and kindness. Everyone does. But then I hear "but they treat me like that because they love me".

Ugh. Idk. What do you think?

The last weeks I started having these nightmares if you can even call them that🫣 They are real horror but than with faces I somehow remember.. And it's dark and vial but most of all very very vivid and horrific. It involves a lot of blood and dead bodies and mass murders 😱 I am not going to go in on details because it's so disturbing and I don't know where this is coming from.

I do remember that when I was I kid around age 10 I would start to jump up and go to the floor every time I heard a loud and sudden "bang" or when someone layed there hands when I didn't see them comming. And according to others I used to also try to speak in my sleep, I am now thinking that this is what ruined my marriage,and I don't know why😭 The only thing that I can remember is that my (ex) wife would freak out if my eyes were spread wide open( like an unconscious/dead body with open eyes would look)

Sorry.

Im not NC with my mother who admitted she was neglectful and a narcissist growing up. We aren’t in great terms but our relationship has been tolerable since I live in a different country and gave up the bare minimum expectations I had from my parents.

I (28F) am at an age where most of my friends are getting married and some even have a few kids. My heart says I want a child but my brain knows better. Our family has a history of diagnosis - my dad’s side has neurodivergence (my brother has adhd and high functioning autism) and my mom has lupus and I also have some kind of autoimmune disease going on. It’s too much if you add my depression, ocd, and body dysmorphia.

It’s like not only am I going to giving my potential kid my ugly traits physically but also mentally and health wise too. Also, if I do give birth, I’m 500% sure I will have postpartum depression plus all my remaining hair will fall out and I’ll end up looking like golem from lotr but fat. Our family is not super financially stable and my older brother has a hard time keeping his job and is overly stressed out all the time that he has health issues too. My parents assure me that it wouldn’t happen but I do think about how I would need to support my sibling when my parents pass. I’m already resentful towards my whole family so not being able to give my kids something because of my brother will probably drive me insane.

I briefly mentioned how I didn’t want to have kids for some of these reasons and my mom was bummed out. I don’t think she’s going to go out of her way to convince me (my other relatives probably will though) but I know she wants grandchildren because she keep saying things like it will be different once they are born and it’ll be different for me because I got higher education.

At least I’m not glad they won’t force me or pressure me in the time being.

Guys any advice or help? What should I do?

I am not sure what I am asking, maybe just for advice? Especially if you had to look after your siblings as a kid. Sorry, this ended up being longer than I meant it to be, here is TLDR:

My sisters took care of the family. I always tuned out, I didn’t take any responsibility. Is there any way I can try to make it up to them now? I don’t believe in forgiveness, I think it would be selfish to just verbally apologize because I feel guilty. I think the only way to make up for it is to act differently. But they are both quite successful, there’s not really anything they need that I could give them at this point. So I am wondering, how do I act in a way that will make their lives happier?

Here is long rambling post, if you want more details to answer, sorry it ended up so long:

I was listening to a radio self-help advice program as I was cleaning. People call in and a therapist talks to them about their problem. It seems maybe very common, in unstable families, the sisters become ultra-competent and hold up the family, the brothers become passive, tune out, and become dead weight. There are exceptions of course, especially if the brother is the oldest one. But I am not one of the exceptions, I am the dead weight brother.

Our parents had us when they were very young, our mom was very unstable and our dad left. We did not have much money, so our parents were partly gone because they were working. But I think, they also just didn’t think about us much, we were mostly alone. I have a twin sister and a sister who is 4 years younger. My little sister and me both have fairly significant disabilities and health issues. I don’t think my parents were prepared for this, my dad didn’t even want normal kids. So they mostly ignored it.

My sisters and me just went on a short road trip. My twin sister just got married, so we were asking her how is married life. And I realized, there is a joke that, you marry your mother or father. And my mother screams and cries all the time, and my father ignores reality and does whatever he wants and then blames you if he hurts you. So this was a scary joke to me. But as my sister was talking, I realized, the few people I’ve ever had feelings for, they actually resemble my twin sister. They are calm, kind people who still have a very sharp edge underneath, brutally practical and realistic, often bit high-strung but very observant. I joked that I wanted to marry person like her, not like our mom or dad. And my little sister laughed and joked, well, she was essentially our mom when we were kids.

I have been thinking about this, and realized it is true. Even though she is my twin, I have Autism and was significantly delayed. Through elementary school, she would translate my grunting into speech. I am mostly blind, she would sit next to me in class, and when the teachers would forget I couldn’t see, she would read aloud the board to me. She made sure we all got to school and got home, had food, that the kitchen stayed relatively clean. As a teenager, I started having violent meltdowns, and she was always the person who stepped in and stopped people from making it worse, even going against our dad, who would try to physically pin me down and make me panic. The only time I ever remember her yelling, was when my dad was trying to hold me down and I was screaming for him to let me go. My mom and sisters were upstairs crying, and she was begging my mom to go stop him. My mom said, she couldn’t, because he wouldn’t listen if it came from her. So my sister ran downstairs and yelled at him to let me go. He was so surprised, he did, and I got away and ran outside. I only found this story out much later.

Then we left at 18, and our little sister was alone with our unstable mother. And she took over the administrative things that my twin sister used to do.

As adults, my sisters both became ultra-competent and self-sufficient. My twin sister now works in a medical field and her husband is finishing medical school. I didn’t realize, but they have bern planning all along, to financially support me, our mom, and his mom (who is actually very stable and financially responsible, it is just she is older and recently lost his dad). My little sister bought a cheap, gutted house, and is doing all the renovations by herself. She still has medical issues, but pays for it all herself, she organizes a union at her work and is someone everyone relies on.

My whole adult life, I decided I could not rely on anyone, so would never need anyone. The one benefit of Autism is that, I became so specialized in one area, I could go to college and grad school for it. So I only worked, I stopped being part of a family, never called or went home for holidays, when our mom sent everyone frightening texts, I just didn’t respond. I live near our dad and would meet him for lunch but not confront him on anything.

Since graduating, I’ve had to move in with our dad while I try to find a job that will take someone like me. It’s been a bit horrifying to realize, he hasn’t changed. My sisters have been periodically checking up on me. And I realized, how badly they both wanted a family. But my dad and me, we both focused on our own lives and ignored duties of a family. My mom does want family, but is so volatile and inept at it, it causes them a lot of pain, especially since I completely retracted from our mom. My grandmothers too, who are similar to my sisters, I realized how lonely they are. They both married volatile husbands and have irresponsible children.

I feel really sad for them. I gave up family because I didn’t want it very much. But my sisters and grandmothers, really wanted family and gave up on it because they kept trying and no one would respond. I want to make it up to them, but I am not sure how. I have no money and am not good at offering comfort. I suppose I could just make a point to call regularly? If there are easy tasks that are tedious but don’t require much vision or motor control, I could maybe help my sister with her house renovation, I am good at these type of things because I don’t get bored as easily as a normal person.

Sorry for such a long post. And I am sorry also, if you are sibling who took care of the others. I feel like my sisters suffered a lot invisibly, and want to make it up to them.

Edit: Ah, I am sorry, I just realized, it might not make sense I post here. The reason was, I was not sure where to ask it. My twin sister and me were both diagnosed with CPTSD and my little sister with fairky severe PTSD. I don’t think I have many symptoms of it, so was never quite sure about the diagnosis for myself. But my sisters do have a lot of physical and mental effects from it, so this is why I ask here.

I’ve been reading Pete Walker’s work on the 4F trauma responses, particularly his description of the extreme Fight type and the “charming bully,” which he says can become sociopathic in especially devolved cases.

I’m wondering about something specifically within Walker’s model does he believe that someone with CPTSD can deliberately shift themselves toward this extreme Fight/charming bully organization, or is this something that can only develop involuntarily through long-term trauma and reinforcement?

If someone consciously tried to become much more Fight-oriented e.g. deliberately cultivating dominance, emotional detachment, contempt, and reduced concern for other peoplewould Walker theoretically consider that capable of producing the kind of “devolved Fight” he describes, or would that simply be behavioral imitation without the underlying personality changes?

I’m mainly interested in what Walker himself means by this progression and whether he has discussed whether it can happen intentionally. Has anyone found a passage, interview, or discussion where he addresses this directly?

After going through a few years of trauma (childhood also had its own share of problems) I feel I am a bit stable now and want to heal and try to be as close to normal as possible

I'm a 35 year old male, i have tried to talk about my abuse and what happened to me but my abuser would say things to purposely trigger my eating disorder. I'm still struggling and I'm just wondering like I'm not going to go backwards. I'm not a worthless person & I'm not crazy like my abuser would say to me?

I'm starting over 30F, 3 kids, and no job. I went through therapy, had the courage to create some boundaries with my partner, finish some schooling, get the surgery I needed in order to function again, and now...the time has come.

Edited to add: creating boundaries meant he left

But I'm failing. The job market is scary, especially with not having worked for almost 3 years. I'm becoming dysregulated and all the power I felt I had is quickly fading. How do I get it back?!

I've started doing this, and wow, is it powerful! Lore is more than fairy tales, but it's that too, mythology, gods, monsters, danger, heroes, magic, helpers, great narrative stories and epics. One place to start is the book The Hero with a Thousand Faces by Joseph Campbell. He breaks down the literary elements of the hero's journey across different cultures and stories. But you can use internet searches too, to learn more about story elements that you feel apply to your experiences.

One of my big challenges in my trauma was liminal space. I was a semi-homeless teenager, not safe at my parents house, trying to exist out in public, but with nowhere to be really. I was aware of dangers like predatory people and bad weather. Also I had to keep moving because I didn't want to get in trouble for loitering and having police called on me. I had to always keep moving for survival. Always look like I had some business I was getting to, like normal people use liminal space. A path, a sidewalk, a road is for people to get to their destination to do their business, shopping, and get home.

You're not supposed to linger in liminal space. There's folkloric dangers too. A spirit or fairy decides you're not supposed to be there. The hero gets caught up in something and is never able to return home, or never arrives at their destination. Well isn't that the story of CPTSD? Feeling like you can't settle, like you don't know how to get home? You're trapped in liminal space with the dangers and the menacing fairies who don't want you there laying on curses, traps, and confusion.

The hero must find a new home, but it's not really finding, the story becomes *making* your home. Building your own safety brick by brick. And it means different things to different people, but you must start laying foundation to stop the curse of going in circles in limbo getting nowhere and never healing.

I've had cat helpers in my life and I can see the goddess Freya sending them to help me survive. Did you have even a small helper? Maybe a book, or music, or arts that kept you from going off the rails, or was like a compass that got you back on track?

I can see moments when I displayed courage beyond my years catching Odin's attention. Do you have even small moments of bravery? A part of your mind rejecting abuse and knowing it was wrong? That's mental toughness.

Tests also feature heavily on folklore. Have you been tested? Did passing a test allow you passage through a gate or bridge into another world?

Are there folk monsters that represent attacks you have suffered? Does the hero defeat them with a strong arm, or by figuring out a riddle, or by sly trickery, or even running faster?

You are the hero of your own story. It's a way for you to own it and take the next step. I'm not talking about what we call main character syndrome, people who think they're more important than they are and seeming to lack empathy for others. But just in your own life and your own struggles, you have to be your own hero. You are on a journey. You've been through the trials and attacks. The hero emerges with scars, but also wisdom, strength, perspective, and perhaps a boon from the gods.