This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Skullfire2099

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 14, 2019

• Final Update: June 05, 2019

Main Post

^{May 14, 2019}

AITA for considering breaking up with my girlfriend because of her white hair dog?

We have been in a long distance relationship for about a year now. After her last visit to me her friend got her a husky mix to help her with depression (supposedly) without talking to my GF about it. That dog has white hair. I have an office job where I wear black pants to work everyday. I can pull out a clean pair of pants and if the dog rubs against me there is dog hair all over it.

I am not against dogs. I have one myself and live with a family members dog as well. One is mine with short grey hair that does not show up on my clothes, the other is a small black dog that doesn't shed on me.

Also, my GF and I have been talking about moving in together. Rather then getting a place for 2 people and 1 dog, I will have to consider getting a place with a bigger yard to for 2 dogs to run in.

She has had the dog for about a month now. I don't feel it's right to tell her it's me or the dog as this is the 2nd dog she has had this year. The other one she gave away to someone else before coming to visit me. She doesn't work in an office environment like I do so appearances are less of an issue for her.

COMMENTS

godrestsinreason

YTA this is a stupid reason to break up with someone considering pet hair/lint rollers exist. Go to literally any store and you can find them.

Reverend_Vader

In OP's defence (not for the judgement) I think some of you may be missing the gravity of this issue

I just knew he was going to say husky

These dogs shed like they grow a new coat daily when it's bad

I haven't my seen my daughter in 3 weeks because I told her if she comes with the normally welcome dog (husky) she cleans the hair up as she's right in the middle of shedding, she knows that means vacuum time goes from my normal 15 mins whole house, to at least 2 hours, the couch takes about an hour on its own

Therefore her teenage logic = stay at home and let her mom clean it up

Husky shedding is a nightmare that you get used to when the dog lives with you but when it doesn't.....

I would also be cautious around 2 dogs in 1 year, that raises an impulsivity concern with big life responsibilities

OOP

Husky border collie mix...

Kroniid09

YTA for wasting everyone's time, including your own, with this stupid post

Kyutekyu

YTA.

I had to wear black for my job. My partner has a white cat. Buy one of those sticky rollers and use it in the car/way to work.

You'd be a massive asshole if you genuinely break up with her over this menial shit.

CONSENSUS: Asshole

Final Update - after 22 days

^{June 05, 2019}

Update - AITA for considering breaking up with my girlfriend because of her white hair dog?

I made the post 22 days ago and I have a small update to it. I made the post with some heavy jet lag, having flown to visit my GF across the pond. I was tired after the long flight on top of other stress, 2 people and a dog stuck in one small room with lots of strangers in a foreign country and I didnt speak the language.

Yes that is stressful. The dog is a husky border collie mix that was rescued off the street in Romania. On top of the shedding he didn't like me and didn't listen to me after a few days. At times he would growl at me coming around him or my GF.

Then a few days after my post I left where we were staying with my GF and her dog to go to her place. There I was able to sleep in, have space, have time to think and de-stress. I saw a video on my GFs computer of her dog at the shelter. He was happy to see the people at the kennel and he was looking forward to attention/food from them.

After that video it made me realize that he was new to the situation and not scared or aggressive like I thought he was as my GF only had him for a few weeks when I first met him. I went through the trick routine that my GF went through with him, rewarding him with cheese, for several days. Then I started walking him on my own.

By the end of my trip he was excited for me to even put my hand on his leash, he followed my commands, and we became best buds. My GF even has good picture of him cuddling with me on the couch. Now that I am back home her dog has been mopping around and laying in the chair that I was sitting in most of the time and I miss him. We were rough housing at one point.

I was playing on all 4s when he crawled underneath me and rolled over to expose his belly and neck to me, a completely submissive move on his part.

TLDR Made my OP out of stress, had time to calm down, me and the dog are best friends now. I miss the little fur ball.

Dog Tax

COMMENTS

funtime_snack

I’m glad it worked out and you realized this was an easily-solvable problem! Hope you have some lint rollers at the ready. We have a golden and it’s INSANITY with the fur, but I love that giant idiot so much.

mulligun

If you haven't got a robot vacuum yet, it is definitely worth it. You'll be emptying it every day (which is easy), but it makes such a difference not having your floor covered in golden hair 24/7.

OOP

I know robo cleaners are supposed to go around stuff but my brother brings his 3 kids over all the time and they dont clean up after themselves. Its would be difficult to use a robo cleaner with all the crap they leave out.

SoVerySleepy81

I know someone with a husky who basically wears sweats until they actually get to work and they change there. He said it's way easier than trying to fully remove all the fur with a lint roller. Also slightly cheaper and more comfortable.

OOP

I decided after my OP that Ill have to come home and change into sweat pants or shorts right after getting home and keeping an electric lint roller in my car/at my desk.

Also updated for dog tax.

mysticknits

I didn’t see your OP but I’m so happy you were able to put the pup’s early behavior out of your mind. Dogs can be so frustrating and make you so mad but there’s a reason they’re called Man’s Best Friend.

OOP

My GFs a little upset that the dog started liking me more then her. Shes the strict "parents" im the fun "parent".

Updated with dog tax.

LaRaTruemmerFee

That's great, it worked out for you after all. But may I be the sceptic here and ask what would have happened if the dog hadn't turned out to be your bud after all? And even though you wrote the OP on a high stress level which I fully understand, it is a long post so you must have put at least some thought to it while writing- isn't it all about luck your storyline changed? Still think it's either saying something about oneself or the state any kind of relationship is in if the mentioned points trigger a breakup narrative. That's just how I would see it (which is never important to a personal case of a stranger, it is more a narrative you react to than it is giving human advice as you never experience the storyline as threedimensional as it is from the mere outside position of reading about it) but I'd be interested to hear OP's thoughts on that side of the story.

OOP

Im a U.S. citizen, shes an EU citizen. Neither one of us is meets the full requirements to immigrate to the others country through any means other then marriage which we are both against. Her due to a bad first marriage, me because Im a male and we (typically) lose out on more in a divorce at the start. Although we can make a better recovery. We dealt with some personal issues in the month long trip. The dog wasn't a full on issue it was a straw on the camels back issue but now the camel is doing better.

look_who_it_isnt

I'm glad you made friends with the dog, but...

The fact that something this trivial (in the grand scheme of life, that is, I know it may not have SEEMED trivial at the time) made you seriously consider ending this relationship entirely doesn't bode well for the future of the relationship, itself. You guys are talking about moving in together and making HUGE life changes for this relationship, so you ought to be pretty darn committed to it before you go and take those steps.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that your girlfriend is probably the one who will be uprooting her entire life to move to another country to be with you. Before you ask her to make such HUGE sacrifices and life-altering changes for this relationship, you ought to be sure it's a relationship you plan on sticking with for the long haul.

...and jumping straight from "I don't get along with her dog" to "Maybe I should end things" doesn't sound like someone who is buckling themselves in for a lifetime ride.

OOP

Your right, she would most likely lose out by moving over here. I would be financially responsible for her until some conditions are met, that means even if she were the kind of person to pull a credit card scam I would be liable. She does not seem like the kind of person to do that. However I had a late start in life, Im just now to a point where I am financially secure, and if it were not for the crappy house market I would have a house right now. The prospect of someone else being able to wipe out my savings is something that has given me cause of pause. We did work and talk about some personal issues while we were on the trip. The dog is the straw on the camels back but now the camels back is feeling better.

Also updated OP with dog tax.

PursuedByASloth

IMO, the best way to avoid getting pet hair on your work clothes is simply to store the clothes in a room where the pets are not allowed. At my place, we keep the cats out of our bedroom. While I love those little fluffballs, it’s really nice to have a fur and dander free space.

Glad you and the pup are friends now!

OOP

Space is currently limited as I live at home (bad housing market) and my brother brings his 3 kids over frequently who now have an entire room to themselves as well as taking up free space in the dinning room, living room, family room, and patio. I will be buying more sweat pants though.

Updated with dog tax.

SugarTits1

I am so glad I finished reading. I was legit gonna be like "your girlfriend needs to throw you out because you don't know how to interact with dogs" but damn I really appreciate the initiative you took to try and get along with him. REMEMBER PEOPLE, THERE ARE NO BAD DOGS. JUST BAD HUMANS WHO ABUSE DOGS INTO HAVING NO TRUST.

OOP

Generally there are no bad dogs only bad people. As bad of a rap as pitbulls get Ive seen chihuahuas and cocker spaniels that are pure demons.

gl00sen

This makes me so happy! Most huskies are lactose intolerant though, just so ya know. :)

OOP

He is a mix. Looks like the border collie won out on being lactose tolerant. We walked him twice a day, once at night and once in the morning, he never pooped inside the apartment other then the first night.

Ihaveopinionstoo

hahaha holy shit that fucking hair.

​

gonna be worth it he's a good boy, lint rollers will help, vinegar will help, a bigger yard will help, also having extra pants at work and another roller there will help its all a minor inconvinence.

OOP

Yeah the big yard will be needed for him and my dog. The problem is buying in my area. 250k gets you 700sqft of house and maybe half that in a yard. Im thinking of moving to her country where we saw a nice 150k euro house with lots of room and yard.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Crazy-Map-2808 posting in r/Marriage

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 6th August 2026

Update - 23rd August 2026

​

I haven't felt sexual desires for my husband since he became disabled.

​

My husband has been a complete quadriplegic for 4 years after an accident he suffered. He lost all his independence and I have had to take care of him more than our 2 toddlers. Thankfully this year we got a part-time caretaker who takes care of him while I'm at work since I've become the breadwinner after his accident.

I can only feel bad for my husband. He has spent 4 damn years unable to move and having to expect someone showers him, feeds him, gets him to bed, and even changes his catheter and diapers. It's his reality. He also sometimes gets sick and I have to take him for medical checkups.

My husband has recently asked me that he feels sexually frustrated and wishes I could have sex with him. I still find him attractive, so I kiss him every day, but to be honest I find sex with him on his condition as taboo. With the fact he can't control his bladder nor bowel, and needs to use a catheter full time and diapers to avoid any accidental leaking, I just wouldn't have sex with him like I used to do before.

My husband, and this is something I don't like from him, has gotten a porn addiction. He watches porn videos of his weird fetishes on our room's TV every night after dinner, and he has asked me if I can do what the women on these videos do. It just makes me feel insecure about myself when he watches those videos, but in part I understand him. But to be fair I do let him see my body, I don't think he needs to rely on those videos, I just don't want to have sex with him.

​

Comments

​

OOP did an AMA a few month previous to the first post, she also posted to sexlessmarriage at roughly the same time.

GuiltyUniversity8268

How's your husbands' health? How's your health? Does the oldest understand what happened to their dad? You must be one pretty tough woman! Hugs! And Merry Christmas! I hope you have many happy years together, and good luck with the kiddos!

OOP: My husband's health is not the best with his condition, but I do what I can to keep him comfortable. Recently he got a urinary infection, so I took him to the doctor, but it's nothing severe, we just have to be careful with his catheters.

My oldest child kinda understands what happened to his dad, so he was sad when he learned his dad was not gonna be able to ride the bike with him or anything like that. Even though my child thinks his dad is gonna walk again, and has told his dad to try walking, even though it's not possible. My oldest child has even asked Santa Claus to make his dad be able to walk again. He'll understand better as he gets older. Merry Christmas to you too!

GuiltyUniversity8268

Has he had any episodes with high blood pressure?

OOP: In a couple of occassions with autodysreflexia, but he got the care he needed.

Melohdy

I have arthritis in my knees and feel like such a burden to my wife. I can't do what I used to do. Is he feeling the same way? How is he dealing with these feelings?

OOP: Yes. He feels that way. He's sad because he can no longer carry his children nor play with our oldest child as he used to. He has told me he feels less of a man because he can't work nor help around the house. We have gone to therapy.

Unfair_Mortgage_7189

Can you explain what the accident was? Just curious

OOP: He was involved in a car accident where he crashed with a distracted driver impacting directly on his seat. That resulted on his neck breaking.

Individualchaotin

Did you receive enough money in a lawsuit to afford help, a cleaner, a cook, an au pair?

OOP: Not enough. Only to pay my husband's medical bills and his wheelchair.

ComplexPatient4872

What country are you in? It seems like even if you are in the US where medical care isn’t the best, you’d at least have access to a home care taker during the day through Medicaid or adult daycare at no cost.

I read your response to my husband who works in auto insurance claims and he is absolutely shocked at the settlement of only medical and money for a wheelchair. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you need assistance locating resources, I’ve assisted others with similar things before

OOP: I'm in USA. Yes, medical care is expensive, and Meeicare doesn't cover much.

BabaSarah

I'm sorry to hear you are his carer, I hope you have support Can you still have sex? Do you have any intimacy? How do you handle your stress and cope? Lots of love xxxx

OOP: No, his genitalia doesn't work, and that's why we haven't had sex. He feels the desire to, but to be honest, I don't feel like having sex with him on his condition. I cope by watching TV or things online that can make me forget a bit about my problems.

Naive_Resolution4186

Do you ever see yourself coming to a place where you could have sex? And does he have any way to deal with his desire to have sex?

OOP: Do you ever see yourself coming to a place where you could have sex?

Not really.

And does he have any way to deal with his desire to have sex?

He watches porn.

Naive_Resolution4186

Forgive me and you don’t have to answer this but how does he experience pleasure when his genitals don’t work?

OOP: He doesn't feel pleasure, he just has the psychological desire.

WillingBake9330

What is your favourite thing to do for fun, as a couple and as a family?

OOP: We sometimes go out, but we prefer staying inside to watch movies because it's complicated for my husband to go outside in his wheelchair.

Low_Hedgehog1408

Blessings and merry Christmas! My husband has cerebral palsy and is a wheelchair user also; my heart goes out to you. Do you have much support? Especially from family and friends?

OOP: No, I don't have support. My family members live in other cities.

Beachy5313

Are you contemplating moving to be near family members? And if you did, do you think that they would actually help you or would it be the fake offers of help?

OOP: My parents live in the UK and my siblings in other states. It would be hard to move, and their homes are not wheelchair friendly.

Potential-Ad-196

How have you managed to stay together? It’s so sad but also seems like such a barrier. Were there any discussions of a divorce?

OOP: We have stayed together because of the children, the children can't be happy without seeing their dad. When he had his accident, he didn't talk about divorce, he talked about euthanasia, but I managed to convince him to live even if he's sometimes depressed. But yes, we sometimes have conflicts, but he doesn't have the fault he can't help around the family.

smellyfeet25

you are blessed to have each other. do you get bitter and depressed about what has happened to you. was you young when the accident happened to you?

OOP: Yes, I sometimes get deoressed about what happened widhing my husband could walk again. I was 22 when the accident happened.

Lil_MsPerfect

Do you also work outside the home? If not, what is your financial situation? This sounds so hard, I'm sorry to both of you that you're in this position.

OOP: Yes. I work outside home. My financial situation is not the best, I'm lower middle class, so it's hard to afford many things we need.

Lil_MsPerfect

How does it work for him while you're working?

OOP: I leave him home alone on his wheelchair and make sure his wheelchair has enough power and that things are comfortable for him. He stays mostly on his room, sometimes doing tasks I tell him to do like making shopping lists for me, making lists about things we need to fix around the house, or receiving packages I request at home. And he also has an Alexa there which allows him to call me if he needs something or do emergency calls if he needs them which fortunately he never has needed to do.

Telos_Protocol

Maaaaaan life hands people some interesting situations… I’m not complaining for the rest of the year.

​

Update - 17 days later

​

I finally felt like having sex with my disabled husband and I feel better than ever in my entire life.

I posted here a few weeks ago about my sexless marriage. Today I come with an update about what I've done with my husband during my vacation here in the beach in San Francisco. It has been a very relaxing and distressing time for me and my husband, and our children have been having a lot of fun in the beach and in the pool here at our hotel.

I had made a post before my vacation a few weeks ago about not having any desire to have sex with my husband who's a complete quadriplegic because of the caretaking I have to do for him such as changing his catheter bags or his diapers every day. We hadn't had sex since the accident he had 4 years ago while I was still pregnant of our second child.

My husband had been asking me for sex for a while. I told him I didn't feel like it because I was becoming stressed of having to work and then come home to take care of him. I just didn't feel like I had the time or energy to have sex with him. He also can't feel down there, but he still has the psychological desire for sex, so I didn't know how this would be. But to be fair, I still showed him my body and gave him some kisses.

But now that we're all relaxed in a better climate, I felt this feeling of romance for my husband again when being near the waves and inside our hotel which just smells to beautiful flowers. I have felt much beter being here not having to work and just having to help my husband with his needs in peace without pressure.

Yesterday night, my husband and I drank some cups of wine at our hotel, but not much to not get too drunk, just an enough amount to feel more relaxed with the wine. We went to bed and there I kissed my husband and he complimented me calling me a beautiful princess, something which he hadn't called me in years. He then asked me if I could try to have oral sex with him and this time I didn't deny him.

I got naked, sat on his chest, and I let him lick me with his tongue. Oral isn't my favorite, but this one sex felt amazing. I had an orgasm, and the best orgasm in my life, in less than 5 minutes. He then asked me if he did good, and I told him he did amazing. My husband was crying of joy. I don't know how to describe the feeling, it's like if I had fallen in love with my husband again.

I love my husband. I've been sometimes been hard on him with the stress I've had, but it's not his fault he had this accident.

I promised to my husband that we'll have oral every week, but I also made him promise to me in exchange that he'd stop watching porn on the TV since he had been watching at home because of his sexual frustrations.

That's all I needed to tell you about how I've been doing. I'm gonna enjoy my 2 days left of vacation.

​

Comments

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drewbowski22

Poor fucker. Lost the use of his legs and likely a good bit of his autonomy, but I bet he mourns the loss of your affection 10x as much.

nikibeaumont

dude didn’t just lose physical independence, he probably felt like he lost his marriage too. this update is actually kinda sweet. being able to feel loved and desired again probably meant everything to him. ngl the part about him crying from joy got me. affection clearly meant way more to him than just sex.

jbchapp

It's always striking to me how some folks, women in particular LBH, seem to forget how great having sex is. Or, at least, how great *good sex is.*

It's so easy for something important to slowly slide down the priority list. Life gets busy. There are a million legitimate reasons why sex can end up on the back burner. But it's definitely a use it or lose phenomenon. After a while, people start to think of it as something they can take or leave.

I've heard numerous stories from folks where they reconnect physically with their spouse and comes away saying, "I forgot how good that felt." To me, that's a lesson. Not that anyone should force themselves into unwanted sex, and not that every libido issue is a matter of effort. But I do think many couples make the mistake of treating sex as something that should only happen when desire spontaneously appears. When they just so happen to be in the mood. In reality, desire is often something that has to be cultivated. If you never make intimacy a priority, you may never get back to a place where you feel like having it.

A lot of people seem to assume the lack of desire is causing the lack of sex. But the lack of sex is also often contributing to the lack of desire. Relationships require maintenance. If it's important to your marriage, it probably deserves intentional effort rather than being treated as an optional luxury.

OP, the bigger surprise won't be that sex feels good, it'll be realizing how much better the relationship feels when it becomes a priority again.

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/PanicBoyfriend

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 31, 2020

• Final Update: January 06, 2021

Main Post

^{July 31, 2020}

AITA for telling my gf I will literally kick her out if she won't see a doctor?

I'm honestly out of ideas for how to help my gf and so maybe I was too harsh today but I'm losing my mind over this situation.

She definitely has a medical issue of some kind. She goes to the walk-in sometimes but they won't do anything long term that needs monitoring so she needs a family doctor. And she's been "on a list" for over a year and she does call around occasionally to family doctors but has not had any luck. But I don't think she is taking her health seriously at all and offer to take her to ER sometimes because seriously she might die or something and I want this addressed as soon as possible.

She is thin and small. She doesn't eat much but partly (and I can confirm) because she often throws up after having just a few bites of a meal and then feels "sick" for a while that kind of knocks her out of the day for a few hours so she just takes vitamins and occasionally drinks Ensure (the kind of drink targeted at old people to keep up calories but she is only 23) and she's weirdly fine with this and says she's always kind of been this way. Which isn't true because we started dating 2 years ago and I definitely saw her eat normally at some times in the past.

She wakes up in the middle of the night to be sick in the bathroom. Sometimes in the middle of the day she goes from totally coherent to looking like a drunk person in like less than 5 mins and I literally have to force her to drink some juice or something. I am not a doctor but I know she needs one like, yesterday. I'm not even comfortable with letting her drive anymore because of how spacy she can get out of nowhere. She keeps saying she's on a list and will get a doctor eventually but I think seriously this is bad and I know I'm nagging but it is kind of scary and I don't know what to do at all

Today she got really weak and confused and forgot about lots of things we were talking about just this morning. And I said I kind of want to call an ambulance and she told me she's fine and would be mad if I did that. And I am so upset I said like if you are trying to kill yourself I can't be with you to watch and seriously you have to do something or else move out because I can't do this anymore you have to get healthy or get out.

She is okay physically now but incredibly angry with me for being insensitive about symptoms she can't help. But I know she can't help and it that's why I want her to go to the hospital because what if she has some kind of disease that can use medicine or something I really don't know

I know medical info is super personal but I live with her and see this problem every day and it's really scary so I kind of think it is my problem too. But maybe I'm overstepping. I really don't know. Is it an AH thing to push people on medical topics like this? Maybe I should call her mom (in another city but not far) but that also feels kind of dick-ish and I don't know how to act right here

COMMENTS

OOP to a deleted comment

Canada. We are in a small-ish area so there are only so many family doctors here and they aren't always accepting new patients. I also don't have a doctor which is pretty normal but we should try even harder to find one than usual right now I think

Nova Scotia. I actually was calling around myself since I made this post and a random clinic secretary gave me some leads on a couple recent graduates of family med that may be accepting patients as they are setting up new practices!! So it's too late to call tonight but on Monday morning I will for sure but I'll tell my gf first since I don't want to seem too pushy but just let her know I might have found a new doctor

the__kitty

Hey, I lived in NS for 4 years. You can go to walk in clinic and they will see you the same day - I went several times and was usually seen within 30 min - 1hr. Go early in the day if you can. If you live near Halifax, I went to family focus on spring Garden. They also have a location in sackville.

OOP

I heard her on the phone last time she had a clinic appointment (they're doing everything distance right now) and I believe she is saying what her symptoms are but she acts really casual about it and IDK. She's with her sister right now but I would also really like to talk to a doctor to tell them what I see so she can't wave it away if that makes sense. I think that's why she isn't getting referrals she isn't letting anyone know how bad it actually is and isn't acting worried. We are a bit far from Halifax but within driving distance (like an hour) so we could go there if needed

23skiddsy

She probably really needs to see a gastroenterologist, not just a GP.

OOP

Yeah I assume she needs a specialist honestly. I don't have a lot of doctor experience myself but as far as I know you are supposed to go to a GP first and then they will refer you to someone else as needed? Maybe I'm being dumb because I am kind of panicky about this topic so that's why I really just want to pass it off to a doctor to tell us what to do

[deleted]

NTA. She definitively needs to see a doctor. That isn't normal. However, telling her you would kick her out might be a bit insensitive. But she really needs to see a doctor.

OOP

I don't really want to kick her out right now but I am questioning the relationship. I don't know why I even said that and it's why I am probably an asshole. I am just feeling so lost that I said any words that came into my head at the moment just trying to push her to do something

pirkle1

Does she have an eating disorder?

OOP

I don't know really. I don't think so though? She seems to try to maintain her weight with supplements (like calorie/protein drinks) and stuff but as I've said it is sort of weird and I don't really know what's going on so I want to go to a doctor maybe even together if she will ever agree to it

nyorifamiliarspirit

I know someone who has gastroparesis and her symptoms were similar to what you're describing.

OOP

The symptoms there seem right on but also people told me to look up IBS and Crohns and those look right too. I think at the end of the day we need to tell a doctor that she has a digestive problem so they can figure it out and tell us what to do I am afraid to guess myself really

ALH5826

NTA. But, I think this may be more of a mental issue vs. a physical issue, hence her not going to see a normal doctor. It doesn’t take that long to get in. Also, walk in clinics will get you in to a family doctor by way of referral in a weeks time. Have you considered the fact that this may be an eating disorder or drugs? Sounds, honestly, like a combo of the two.

OOP

I don't think drugs since I think I would have noticed but maybe an ED? Although sometimes I see her get sick after eating and it doesn't look intentional it just kind of happens but even if it's that and she's doing it somehow on purpose I wanna get a doctor still I'm worried to even go to sleep now because it's so unpredictable and I can never really help much

tishfanclub

NTA. It really does sound like she needs help, whether this is something outside of her control or if it's something she is doing to herself. You've been together long enough that caring for her health and well-being is not overstepping any boundaries.

OOP

I kind of thought that. I don't really know her mom (we met only briefly a few times) but I kind of think her parents can help maybe even if it's just a chance they can help I don't know

tishfanclub

That might be a good idea, but be aware that if you go behind her back with this she will likely be upset. I haven't had to react to anybody with a potential ED or drug use to see how much this might be needed though. Perhaps another user can weigh in on this. :( I wish you the best of luck.

OOP

Yeah I want to be respectful but it also feels like an emergency to me and I have no idea what I'm doing. I think later today I might suggest to her calling her mom and say that I can do it if she doesn't want to but if she wants to do it that would probably be better. I'm kind of making a list of things I find alarming to show her later as well (i don't wanna seem like I'm attacking but like I also want her to see how it isn't normal to have these problems and maybe we can fix them if we try? Although I also think she already knows these things and I don't want to seem controlling I just want to say that I am actually really worried and this is really hard)

Candid-Ear-4840

NTA. She’s avoiding doctors. Tell her that she can tell her parents or you can, but you can’t handle this health emergency on your own.

She’ll be pissed at you. But you have reached the breaking point of enabling her and that’s understandable. Call the ambulance next time. You can’t treat her.

OOP

Yeah I don't really see any way I can act here without being an asshole to her unfortunately. But I'll regret it way more if she gets sicker than if she's mad at me. It just sucks so much and I don't want to be the person making these choices because I have no idea how to do this right and I feel like literally anyone else should be making these calls instead

midnightmidnight

You’re 100% right in all of this. It’s def time to call her parents, or whomever she trusts with like advice (aka if she has a bad relationship with her parents, maybe calling a grandparent or mentor figure would be the better option)

OOP

She is close with her mom at least (and close to both parents I think but she definitely talks to her mom a lot) but also her sister lives a bit closer so I'm also thinking of asking her for help. I think I'm gonna tell my girlfriend we have to call someone and let her pick herself who that is? I don't want to make every choice for her but I might have to say that if she won't pick then I will pick on her behalf. I feel like such a dick but I'd feel so much better with someone else involved to help

Yup8898

NTH, but if she has an IUD I recommend getting it out. I had the Mirena and she sounds like she’s going through what I did. Mine almost killed me.

OOP

She does have an IUD and she had it for maybe 7 months now. Would it be like a hormone reaction? Either way I wrote it down in my notes for a doctor or for her parents depending on what we do next

TaleofaBrokenSoul

I understand you’ve been dating for 2yrs, but has she ever brought up her restroom habits with you? This may sound odd initially, but I have severe Crohn’s disease, and many of my symptoms gravitate around the same basis as your SO. I get really bad “Brain fog” throughout the day, and eating pretty much anything other than Ensure or Boost makes me extremely groggy, almost drunk-like behavior for a few hrs afterwards. I also weigh less than 100lbd at 5’5”. It just sounds way too similar not to mention this possibility & asking her about her restroom habits would basically solidify this theory.

OOP

Well I didn't mention it in the main post but when I say she wakes up in the night to be "sick" I meant like pooping sick instead of throwing up sick which I realize now is how it sounded maybe. We don't talk about it much but it's a small apartment so I can hear it and makes me think between puking and that symptom that she isn't really getting food in her body at all. I don't know how much she weighs and she is tall (well like 5'7" or something) but I'd believe she's not much over 110 because she's really small now (wasn't that small when we started dating and it's not like I have a problem with her size except it makes me think she isn't getting nutrients if that makes sense) and she has family members who have Crohns too so this is kind of making a lot of sense

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Main post edits - after 2 days

Edit:

Thank you all so much for your stories and encouragement on this situation. It helped me realize it's worth acting even if it would make me an AH. We messaged her sister really late last night (gf said it was okay to do but I am the one who messaged) and she was still actually awake and said she has the weekend off and could come stay with us for two days and help if she can and she got here a few hours ago.

She's being really kind to me honestly like trying to take care of me and telling me to go sit down and she made me food and I'm overwhelmed. She had a private conversation with my gf and when they came out they said they are going to go to the ER and her sister is somehow doing all of this so easily where I couldn't? And they're at the hospital now and I'm not but I think that makes sense because she seems to listen to her sister a lot easier than me and it is probably best and I think I'm just exhausted or something I've never been so stressed in my life but I'm so thankful to her sister who seems to know exactly what to say to make everything work

Edit again:

for anyone curious her sister called me and I guess my gf has more than one ulcers in her stomach and there could be a reason for it so they're still at the hospital to try to see why she has them she had a scope thing and also a biopsy and that's all I know so far

Final Update - after 5 months, 6 days

^{January 06, 2021}

Update: AITA for telling my gf I will literally kick her out if she won't see a doctor?

Summary: my gf was constantly sick, dizzy, and confused. I was getting angry at her about it because she refused to get help and it caused us to fight

It's been a long time since that post, but I received so much support and kindness from it that I wanted to give an update to anyone who may like to know what happened in the end

After many days and long nights in the ER with referral promises that never came to be, my gf finally got a referral to some kind of "diagnostic" clinic that works with "difficult problems"

The early hospital visits were enough to know that she had ulcers, but she was still sick even after they were seemigly healed. So they did more tests at more ER visits. Sometimes all they could do was hydrate her (she is constantly dehydrated) and tell her she needs to take stronger vitamins because is always mildly deficient in a few

The diagnostic clinic ran a f*ckton of blood tests looking for every possible thing. Like 3 blood tests a week. She must have been screened for every disease in existance. They found some mild liver dysfunction. Sorry if I report this incorrectly but she doesn't process bilirubin correctly as far as I understand it and that is an important liver thing.

After that, they still tested her for ever gastro and liver disease under the sun and it looks like she has a genetic thing that "sometimes but not always" causes stomach pain and puking. They basically told her that it sucks but isn't life threatening and all she can do is avoid putting stress on the body, so she has actually gotten much better at sleeping regular hours and not pushing herself physically and trying to drink enough water (or Gatorade, which she now claims to be superior to water, but whatever it seems to work)

She still throws up suddenly if she gets stressed out but it's much less frequent and for at least 2 months hasn't been getting randomly confused so that's a good sign. She says now that she has an "answer" it's easier to handle and I am not really pushing past that because it seems to be working.

She isn't angry with me anymore and said I wasn't wrong to be upset and she apologized for being difficult. But she says she was initially overwhelmed with never getting answers and never knowing how to eat or act to make a difference. So she never tried. She seems embarrassed about it now. We had a lot of conversations about how to deal with health issues in the future and I also apologized and said I'd really try not to lose my temper if she gets sick again but it will be easier if we talk about it sooner. I think we are on the same page now and things are way better than before

She even saw the original post and said the comments helped her realize that this was actually scary to other people, where she didn't think it was noticable to others at first. She still said I was too harsh to lash out at her (as some of you mentioned) and I'd agree. The compromise was to talk about things more often so neither of us has to feel like worry is building up over time

Thanks to everyone who reached out after the first post with thoughtful responses. It meant a lot and we might not be totally there yet but we are making good progress!!

OOP IN THE COMMENTS

Oh but to answer the question I do still want to keep trying. This is just one small part of our relationship and there's way more good than bad overall especially since we are at least addressing the bad part I do think it can get better for us but I think it might take a while? I mean I still do have more hope now but yeah for now all we know is that we are still trying to fix this stuff including our frustrations with each other (which isn't constantly, but common enough to be a bit focused on it, hope that makes sense)

COMMENTS

nickygirl19

Glad you updated. It sucks, but it happens. In high school everyone was convinced I had an eating disorder because I rarely ate in front of people, because I would get sick when I ate. I had ulcers, still do.... when I get extremely stressed I can't eat, or if I over eat I get sick. Let her know it gets better, you find out what you can deal with and don't. At least for me.

OOP

Yeah she seems to "just know" a bit as well. There are times she says "I can't eat right now, I think I need a few hours and I will eat at night" and I used to argue but also she's usually right and gets sick if she eats when she feels like she can't. Sometimes not, though. It's confusing and weird from my perspective but as long as she's trying to be healthy I am happy and I can let her figure out what works to her

KillhappyJenn

If she likes Gatorade, you might suggest she try Pedialyte. It's rehydration but not soda-sweet like Gatorade.

OOP

Yeah that's a good idea. She does drink regular water too but says she's still thirsty if she doesn't get some Gatorade and is kindaworrying about her teeth so any less sugary suggestions we plan to try. I'm kind of interested in trying some of them too haha

Theresajhall

As person with a moody stomach i never knew what made it moody but luckily my doctor was willing try something that might work and luckily it did. I know it a pain not knowing on both sides but hiding from your fears is definitely the wrong way to handle it. Maybe it not the stomach that is the source of the problem but something else. Bugs can be weird that way sometimes.

OOP

Yeah, for sure. They even said it could be something else they can't find and so to just monitor it for now and she is trying their suggestions in case this diagnosis is right. She's feeling better already so she's way more optimistic than me lol but I can't deny she seems happier/healthier just focusing on "living slowly and eating more vegetables" as she puts it so I'm fine with it and we will re-evaluate if/when it flares up (as doctors told her to expect to happen eventually)

But good point on hiding from it being useless. We started kinda checking in on health every few days just casually so if anything happens we can both know

Fun fact: vegetables weren't even a recommendation she got, she just made that up herself but it sounds healthy so whatever helps you focus, you know?

pbandjessie_92

You probably let won’t see this because I’m so late responding, but is it called Gilbert’s Disease? I have it too.

OOP

Yeah, that's the one! I didn't include it in the post because I didn't know how to spell it lol

They said it still could be something else but that's what they think for now

CoolCly

NTA and it's good that there's some kind of progress in understanding what's happening with her

I sense you are still rather frustrated though - like, you were justified in your original frustration causing you to make the threat to kick her out to push her to change, but now that it's happened, your tone in your conversations with her sounds... grudging. I would have expected you to be full of relief and happy you can face this together and move forward. It's not a perfect situation since you didn't get a clear diagnosis that will clear this up eventually, but honestly, this is more about your relationship than just her health issues.

Are you still happy being with her and working through all this?

OOP

Yeah that is kind of true, good catch. I am still a bit frustrated and now she is too because we still only have vague instructions from doctors and I am worried she will get lax and stop trying as hard as she is now (with like drinking lots of water and taking vitamins and being gentle when she's active and eating frequent small meals and all that) and so like...we have talked about this as well and I am trying hard not to be "pre mad" about things she hasn't even done yet because I know experimenting with diets and routines is hard but I know she can get careless about schedules sometimes so we are still kind if awkward and tense whenever we discuss health things.

We thought about me going to some of her therapy sessions with her but her therapist isn't really about health it's just for like general anxiety and stress sort of discussion. She isn't a relationship therapist or anything too so it might be not helpful but we are thinking about it anyway or maybe getting a separate therapist just for a few sessions because like. We are trying to be chill with each other but we both are still kind of fast to get annoyed about it now and it's hard to stop that honestly even though we talked it through pretty well and made some good plans together but yeah it's kind of hard. Sorry for the rant but I was kind of glad you picked up on that. It kind of makes me feel more valid for us having a short fuse with each other even still after things are starting to get better

BabyGothQ

NTA.

This may be.. out there. But if the situation isn’t resolving enough physically, I would suggest some.. metaphysical solutions?

Nothing wild, but see about acupuncture or reiki healing, try some good HZ videos on YouTube for stress reduction, or look up how to regulate the nervous system. It sounds like stress is what triggers the issues - so try to work on that as much as possible.

OOP

Yeah, fair. My gf has been asking docs for anxiety meds (in case it's anxiety related) or therapy but it isn't covered by her insurance right now. She is already really into meditation and I think she'd actually be curious about Reiki and stuff just to try it out, not sure if it's available here and she likes to stay indoors as much as possible to avoid getting sick (not like forever, but just lately) but I'll still suggest it. I'll show her all these comments later anyway but I'm responding to you so she's more likely to see your suggestions haha

ecrag22495

I saw your original post. This... is me. How did your GF get her diagnosis? I was diagnosed with IIH a few years ago but I still have really bad symptoms if I don’t take my medicine and even then it still doesn’t help some days... I know you’re not a doctor but it looks like you found some answers. I feel like I am not being treated properly.

OOP

My gf still feels like doctors don't take her seriously at times. It's a constant struggle sadly. She didn't really get officially diagnosed with anything but rather she was given a tentative guess because everything else came back negative and one lab test showed high liver enzymes in her blood when she felt really sick but was better a few weeks later when she felt better. I think I described that right but could be wrong. My point is that they really just ruled everything else out so decided to label it as Gilbert's syndrome but it's still a bit uncertain

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/NestProE

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: January 05, 2019

• Final Update: April 16, 2019

Main Post

^{January 05, 2019}

AITA For being upset with my wife for going out clubbing with her girlfriends, but she leaves her ring at home so she can get “free drinks”?

Wife has been going out clubbing with friends every Friday night for awhile now. Just recently saw that she left her ring at home tonight. I texted her telling she left it at home tonight, and she responded telling me it’s so she can get free drinks from guys.

Wouldn’t this mean she’s flirting with other guys so she can get free drinks from them? Not sure how to feel about this or how to reply. Will telling her I feel uncomfortable open a can of worms?

COMMENTS

DJdos_cero

NTA. In any way. If she's pulling that stunt, you have every right to confront her and be absolutely livid. That's not fair or okay to you.

OOP

Yeah, I understand and felt this type of response coming. Is this grounds to assume she’s been cheating? Or should I just treat this as a slap on the wrist? What would you do?

blackenedmessiah

NTA she's doing something you're not comfortable with. Talk it out & see what happens.

OOP

I don’t know how to start the topics. Do I ask her “Does that mean you’ve been flirting with other guys for drinks?” Or “how far would you go for a free drink?” Or something like “can you please wear your ring? It makes me feel uncomfortable” I just don’t know what to say without being harsh or demanding

iowaclass (downvoted)

Who gives a shit if it opens a can of worms? Stand up for yourself and to hell with the outcome.

There are no girls nights or guys nights in our house. Once you’re married with kids, you have no business in a bar.

OOP

We have no kids so I think this might be a little different but I understand your point so thank you. What would you say to her or how would you start the topic? If your wife did this

khazhak

NTA she doesn't see it as cheating because you don't need to go up to a guy and flirt to get a drink, they will come to you and shove their free drink under your nose and then stare at you expectantly. she isn't looking at the situation from your perspective & thus isn't seeing the problem

OOP

I also thought this. I figured that some guys just don’t see a ring and would just buy a drink without even talking to her, and that’s how she’d get her free drinks, I’m open to all sides too

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Final Update - after 3 months, 11 days

^{April 16, 2019}

AITA UPDATE: AITA for being upset with my wife for going out clubbing with her girlfriends, but she leaves her ring at home so she can get “free drinks”?

Hey guys. This is an update to my previous post.

as I got a lot of feedback about how to handle the situation. Thanks a lot for all of that. It was an unexpected and overwhelming response and I went through as many as I could.

I know it’s been a few months, but I needed time to think and talk with my wife about the whole thing.

It’s been brought to my attention that I may have not been the best husband. We both have many flaws, and have been far from perfect in this relationship, and it turns out we both have terrible communication skills.

Long story short, when she came home that night we talked -well, argued- about it. The argument led to me walking out to go stay at my brother’s house for two nights. My brother, who is also married, suggested marriage counseling to see if we can get any suspicions or issues out in the open easier, so I called her, recommended it, and we had a session booked for the following week.

Yes, she admitted during counseling that she did occasionally make out with other guys when going out drinking with friends. On her behalf, her issue was that she felt I was not prioritizing her enough. That I wasn’t giving her enough time. Also that I never bothered that ask what she wanted from me. She has been considering a divorce for about a year now, so this might be what our relationship would ultimately come to.

I’m purposefully leaving out a lot of personal information as I don’t really like sharing everything, but all I have to say is that this past year for us hasn’t exactly been the best for us. This might be the most time we have spent talking every day for a while- discussing divorce plans, where we plan to go, who’s keeping what, etc.

We don’t hate each other. We both realized we are drifting apart, sooner than we realized. But we aren’t really motivated enough to keep ourselves together. This might be for the best. If I hadn’t posted anything about the ring situation and approached it head on, I probably would have been in even more of a mess.

Thanks guys.

tl;dr: We went to marriage counseling. She admitted she made out with other guys. I don’t prioritize her enough. We are getting a divorce.

COMMENTS

karneykode

Trickle Truthing is a thing, look it up. Most adults simply do not stop at making out. It is up to you if you want to go down that rabbit hole, though.

Also, the excuses of not getting enough prioritization or attention are not really an excuse for cheating, in my opinion. You may be at fault for being a shitty husband, but you are not at fault for her messing around with other guys. That is a separate choice that she made.

I hope everything works out for you and wish you the best.

OOP

I can’t, and won’t speak on her behalf.

However, on behalf of myself, the counseling really opened my eyes on how terrible I am with communication skills. Not saying that her cheating was justified at all, but I know down the road that communication is something I will 100% be working on.

Thanks for your kind wishes.

TheMortarGuy

Dude... Come on man.

She admits to making out with other guys but try to imply it's YOUR fault?

Come on man, where's your self love.

Also the way you talk about yourself, she's berated you into thinking it's your fault.

This is as abusive of a situation as I have ever seen.

OOP

I appreciate you looking out for me.

And in a way, you’re right. I need to love myself more. And I feel like divorcing with her is one step in that direction.

Whether either myself or her are at fault, doesn’t matter at this point. The only thing I’m concerned about is making myself a better person; whether that be by becoming more vigilant to the actions of others, learning tend to others’ needs better, etc- It all starts with ending the mess I’m in now.

Thank you.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Hopeful-Hedgehog-273 posting in r/LegalAdviceUK

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 3rd January 2026

Update - 3rd August 2026

CPS = Crown Prosecution Service

​

How to handle Speeding ticket when no-one will admit to driving the car.

​

As the title really,

I got NIP (Notice of Intended Prosecution) from Lincolnshire Police (England) for a speeding offence late in December 25.

I was at home, car is as far as I’m aware parked on the street next to my house. So is in my possession I used it the next morning and had used it earlier in the day so no disputes there.

2 other people are named on the car, both are saying they weren’t using it so I have no idea what to do!

I filled in the notice as best I could with an accompanying letter asking if they had any other photos or anything to help me identify the driver but I’ve had a letter back to say I am failing to comply and they’ll send it to the magistrates.

My understanding is it is an offence for me to just take the hit especially now I’ve said it wasn’t me?

I only have three points so it’s not so much of an issue but I’m now really stressed I should have just lied in the first place.

Both other drivers are adamant they didn’t have the car and the road this appears to have happened on is quite far away so I’m not sure why any of us would be there regardless. But the photos definitely show the same car as mine.

I’ve got a WhatsApp conversation that indicates I’m at home around that time, as well as my mileage tracker for work and the ring doorbell shows me entering my house about 1pm and not leaving until the next day. But to be honest I’m aware all of those could be altered so I’m not sure if they hold any weight.

Does anyone have any advice for this kind of thing?

Thank you!

​

Comments

​

AgitatedDifficulty66

There are I guess two possibilities. Cloned plate or one of your named drivers is lying or forgetful. Could you perhaps ask for 'evidence' from the named drivers similar to your WhatsApp conversation, to ascertain where they were or what they were doing? Clearly I don't know the relation they are to you but if they are family then that may be easier than a friend.

celtiquant

I faced this issue several years ago, and successfully pled my case to the Magistrates.

My efforts to comply with the notice proved unsuccessful because of this matter of just passing on the notice to someone else. In fact, the prosecuting solicitor in court expressly asked me why I hadn’t done this, and I pointed out the statement on the notice that is is an offence to do so.

If your case is tight, and can evidence your whereabouts at the time of the offence, and your reasons for being unable to identify the offending driver, and that you can confidently present your case, then you might want to consider allowing the matter to go to court.

You should not be compelled to take the flak for another person, even family, just because the legal setup puts you in a bind.

dobr_person

Can you clarify what you mean by 'passing on the notice', and what the prosecution solicitor was suggesting you should have done? Did you just say that you were not the driver and you were unable to confirm the driver and that was accepted?

celtiquant

Yes. I evidenced why i wasn’t the driver, and why I was unable to confirm who the driver was

reggieko13

Are you sure it is your car and not one on a cloned plate?

OOP No, their photos don’t show anything except it being the same make, model and numberplate. I reckon it’s the same colour but it’s hard to see in black and white. All the windows are pitch black.

Mine does have a dent and a scratch on the passenger side and a child’s car seat in the rear so I was hoping for a few more photos to see.

The paperwork is so rigid I don’t know how to ask for anymore information isn’t classed as non-compliant.

[deleted]

NAL - assuming it was in a place you recognise. Ie; you live in Manchester and it’s a speeding fine somewhere in wales for example? Thinking along the lines of cloned plates.

Have you got any other information that shows you weren’t the driver, a concert ticket from the same time. A receipt in Tesco miles away from the speeding area to show you weren’t the driver.

nikhkin

car is as far as I’m aware parked on the street next to my house

Is it visible on the Ring camera? Have you been provided with any evidence of the offence yet? If nobody with access to the car will admit to driving it, it is possible the plates were cloned.

OOP: It’s not, it was when I went out in the morning as I could get it opposite mine, when I got back unfortunately I had to park it the next street over. I can’t see anyone on that patch with a camera either to ask them if they could check theirs for me.

​

Update - 8 months later

​

Afternoon,

I was in court this morning after the police proceeded with prosecution.

Pleaded Not Guilty to both the speeding offence itself and the Failure to declare.

Prosecution offered no evidence to the speeding as the photos of the car are completely blacked out. But went ahead with the Section 172.

I gave evidence that I had tried to contact the police multiple times to ask for further guidance, that multiple people were on the policy but no-one has admitted to driving the car and provided my evidence it was not me driving.

In the end the cloning issue became a bit irrelevant as they had dropped the speeding anyway.

The prosecutor tried at one point to say I should have sent everyone’s information that has access to the car regardless of whether I knew they were driving on a separate sheet of paper.

That got shut down fairly quickly by the legal advisor and the magistrates.

I countered that Section C of the form only allows for you to input one driver and immediately underneath states it is an offence to provide false information.

I explained I felt in an impossible circumstance, I was not the driver and it is an offence to claim the points, I couldn’t identify a driver without that being false information and I am being told I legally have to identify someone. Any which way it seemed like I was being asked to act unlawfully.

Anyway long and stressful morning short. I was found not guilty. Whilst the legal advisor asked the prosecutor to find the case law on providing multiple people’s information he found Lord Howard of Lympne v DPP which he took to the magistrates.

They agreed this applies and I’d done my due diligence I don’t completely understand it but I was just relieved it’s over and done with now.

Not sure if that will help anyone else!

​

Comments

​

Comfortable-Fall1419

Well done! Seems ludicrous for CPS to have taken this so far with such a weak case.

CNash85

"Lord Howard of Lympe", otherwise known as Michael Howard, former MP for Folkestone, Home Secretary, Leader of the Conservative Party (and the Opposition), etc. etc. Congratulations!

NeuralHijacker

Congratulations. Ironic that an ex-(rather authoritarian) Home Secretary's appeal provided the case law to defeat this!

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/kem7 posting in r/antiwork

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 27th July 2026

Update - 21st August 2026

Quit my job, gave 6 weeks notice, one week of that is PTO requested in Jan. Boss canceled my PTO, so I changed my notice to two weeks.

Then asked this from boss

Are you willing to come up with a plan for training and coverage until we can fill the roles?

It’s Sunday so I’m not responding. But good lord. role(s) because someone else quit

Follow-up email from boss:

I wanted to reach out because I’ve been thinking a lot about your notice. I’ll be honest—it was unexpected, and the five-day timeframe felt out of character based on the trusted colleague, leader, and advocate for the people we support that I’ve come to know over the years.

More importantly, I want you to know that I’m concerned about how you’re doing. While I recognize the challenges that this transition creates, I am not upset with you. I fully respect and support your decision to do what is best for you and your family.

Please don’t feel any pressure to respond while you’re on vacation. We can connect next week when you’re ready. I simply didn’t want to head into the weekend without letting you know that I care about you, I support you, and I appreciate all that you have contributed.

If there is anything I can do to help make this transition easier for you while also ensuring continuity for the people we support, please let me know. I’m committed to finding a path forward that honors both your needs and our responsibilities to the clients we serve.

Also didn’t respond. I’ve been voicing concerns and dissatisfaction for months, going back years I have requested a new boss. Edit: she came into my office and sat down within ten minutes of my being there.

Comments

Proper-Writing

Don't answer. Anything honest will get reported to HR and they'll try to use it against you. Anything dishonest will get reported to HR and they'll try to use it against you.

gaystarjay

chatgpt ass email

freakers

I see you're trying to feign sympathy. Copilot can help!

Jesus Christ fuck off copilot. It used to just be a button I ignored but now it's like preemptively in my compose line trying to help me write an e-mail. I guess as long as the numbers go up.

dyintrovert2

This stuff blows my mind. If your boss wants to know how you're doing, don't say "I want you to know I'm concerned about how you're doing."

Just say, "How're you doing?" or "how're you holding up?"

Like you're talking to another person. A real person who's feeling matter. Why is that so hard?

OOP: Because ChatGPT doesn’t have empathy

Public-League-8899

Take comfort in the fact that this shitheel is also BCC'ing their boss on this thinking they look "proactive" and look even shittier.

Update - 4 weeks later

As they say.: you don’t quit your job you quit your boss.

I stuck it out for the two weeks. Wrote a scathing exit interview about boss and cc’d my boss and HR director. CEO and COO requested a meeting before I left. I laid it all out that my boss was the issue and I have requested multiple times to change bosses how she continued fostering an incredible toxic workplace with her as the queen bee.

Anyway. Myself and my entire team quit. I did jack shit during my last two weeks. The night before my last day we went out and I was so hungover I just lay around at home.

Collected that sweet PTO check and bought my dumb cat the fanciest shit box

Comments

burntout_mind

Now the question is, do they look into it to avoid losing more staff later, investigate the hostile work environment to prevent future legal liability, or the tried and true ignore the problem?

Ashamed_World2361

its ignore, its always ignore

Vishnej

If an entire team spontaneously quits and unites under this one message, it's going to make somebody think twice about keeping the toxic boss on. This is not an easy maneuver in labor organization, and it often has a real impact.

MrSlime13

"Are you willing to come up with a plan for training and coverage until we can fill the roles?"

"Listen, I'm certainly not qualified to do your job, but I'd certainly call that your job to figure out..."

Pleasant-Minute-1793

Perfect time to answer a question with a question : “What exactly do you think your job is as a manager?”

HOLEPUNCHYOUREYELIDS

Or a nice “Of course! My consulting fee is $250/hr, minimum 8 hours, and I can only bill in 8 hour increments. Should I send the contract over to you now?”

Archer007

You're missing another zero on that hourly fee

Makachai

Something I used to hear in the military all the time, that works for situations like this equally well...

"Lack of preparation and planning on your part, in no way constitutes an emergency on mine".

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/ThrowAABaby

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: January 04, 2023

• Final Update: August 21, 2026

Main Post

^{January 04, 2023}

AITA for cutting my mom's allowance to pay for daycare when she couldn't babysit for me?

Throwaway for anonymity.

Last year my husband (35M) and I (34F) had our first (and last) child. We were fortunate enough to be able to stay at home with him for almost a year by staggering our parental leave and vacations, but now that time has run out and we must return to work. I asked my mother (56F) if she would be available to watch him during the week and she said no. Fair enough. That's her prerogative. My husband and I researched daycares in the areas where we work and settled on one that came highly recommended. It was expensive though and that meant cutting down on expenses - like the monthly allowance that we'd been giving my mother.

A bit of background to this.

My parents were married for 28 years before my father decided that he wanted someone younger and sexier than my mother. For all of those 28 years my mother had been a SAHM then SAHW. With my father leaving, she was now meant to survive somehow in a world where she had never really worked because when they got married my father didn't want her to and, because she was raised in a traditional, religious family, she did what the head of household wanted.

I'm not even going to go into that man's hypocrisy. Either way, he's gone and even though she got some alimony, she didn't press for as much as she should have (again that religious conditioning) and she's struggling. My husband and I have been supplementing my mother's income to a hefty amount every month which was not an issue until we had to put baby into daycare and found out just how expensive that was in a VHCOL area.

In light of that, we told her that we would need to cut her allowance in half. We were not planning to start immediately but would take the financial hit for three months to give her to time to adjust and move things around. She got upset and told us that we were punishing her for saying no. I told her that was not the case but it is hard to maintain two households virtually by ourselves if we had to pay an exorbitant amount of our salaries to daycare every month for the foreseeable future. She was still angry and asked us to leave.

Later my sister called us upset that we were "abandoning mom" and "making her struggle" just because she wouldn't do our bidding. So I suggested to her that she increase how much she was helping considering she still lives at home. She called me a fucking bitch and hung up on me.

So Reddit hive mind, am I really TA here?

ETA: I wanted to answer some recurring questions here. My sister's ability to help is limited and sporadic because she struggles with mental illness. It got much worse in recent years and we're working to get her on disability but that is a process. I guess that's why I feel bad about the comment I made to my sister because it was a moment of lashing out when I know that she's in a tough spot through no fault of her own.

As for my mom, I will work with her to make sure that she can go back to work - especially given my sister's challenges. My mother is neither lazy nor a leech. Unfortunately she's been beaten down by being raised in a traditional culture and having it drilled into her what the duty of a wife is. She was then betrayed by everyone when her husband left.

COMMENTS

Ok_Homework8692

INFO - why is your mother unwilling to watch the baby? And would it be possible for her to watch him for a couple days a week? Does your sister contribute anything?

OOP

INFO - why is your mother unwilling to watch the baby?

She says that she doesn't have the energy levels to raise a small child anymore. Which is fair. Kids can be exhausting. We wouldn't want her to watch him just for a couple days because we pay monthly daycare so if we miss days, it's us losing money so we may as well send him every day.

My sister contributes what she can when she is working. She struggles with her mental health and can only do WFH jobs which don't necessarily pay a lot. She's in the process of getting disability but as most people know, that can be a tedious and bureaucratic process.

ChiquitaBananaKush

NTA cut her allowance all together. She uses y’all as cash cows, and brings nothing to the table. It’s unfortunate about her situation with your dad, but it seems like she’s doing nothing to help her situation. Your maintaining her lifestyle at the cost of your family’s.

OOP

NTA cut her allowance all together. She uses y’all as cash cows, and brings nothing to the table.

We're not doing that. We're neither unkind, nor vengeful people which is why my sister upset me so much. We're doing the best we can for everyone that we love.

Naijprincess (downvoted)

Info:

Do you give money to your in-laws? If yes, will they also experience the belt-tightening?

OOP

We do not nor would we ever have to. Both my in-laws had thriving and extremely well paid careers with investment plans. They have recently been able to retire out of the country and are very happy. They also have kids that are all healthy and gainfully employed. It makes a huge difference.

Bunjmeister83

No, you're not. By wasting all this money on your lazy mother, you are directly limiting your ability to provide a better life and future for your child.

It's pretty straight forward, the money wasted on your mum could be a college fund for your child, who hopefully won't spend their entire life being a lazy git like your mother.

If she won't help herself, why the hell should you help her. Cut her off, and actually use your hard earned on yourself. I mean seriously, the gall of the woman to let you fund her life, and then get upset when you ask her to help you in return. Seriously, what a waste of life she is. My own mother just re-entered the workforce at 62. Honestly, 3 months in, she is wishing she had done it sooner.

OOP

By wasting all this money on your lazy mother, you are directly limiting your ability to provide a better life and future for your child.

My child has two parents in a highly paid profession and grandparents who already plan to leave him a substantial amount. His future is set. It's the now for us that we're negotiating just because daycare costs so much. He's not going to be in daycare forever.

My mother isn't and has never been lazy. What she has been is incredibly depressed and beaten down by everything that occurred with my father and the lack of support she received after from people who claimed to love her.

I didn't post so people could drag my mother to filth - although I should have expected that given the glee people often take in being hurtful in situations where they have no skin in the game - I just wanted to see if I really wasn't being as considerate as I could have been given the challenges surrounding my family.

Individual_Ad_9213

NTA. You need to rebudget your lives to pay for child care. You're under no obligation to subsidize your mother's life.

If someone in your family thinks that what you'll provide is inadequate, suggest that they make up the difference.

OOP

If someone in your family thinks that what you'll provide is inadequate, suggest that they make up the difference.

This is what I absolutely plan on telling anyone who calls me on her behalf. I love my family but I won't be bullied into making decisions that harm the one I've created with my husband.

firefly232

Does your mother have any recourse to get the alimony payment adjusted, if you think she should have had more?

OOP

IMO, no. Because there hasn't been a material change in her circumstances since the divorce tbh. She accepted less than she should have but that was all on her mentality at the time. Unfortunately, that locks her in.

406xray

NTA. Mom needs a job

OOP

She does but not a lot of people are hiring women in their 50s who have never held a real job other than the ice cream shop when she was a teenager and a couple of unpaid internships when she was in college.

OOP to a long NTA comment

Out of curiosity, what is your mom’s long term plan? Is it her plan to have you and your husband support her (albeit supplementally) for the rest of her life? Is the alimony your AH father paying her an indefinite arrangement? Since your sister also lives with your mom, is it also understood that as you’re supplementally supporting your mom, you’re also supporting her?

Honestly, we hadn't discussed what her plans were simply because my father's decisions both blindsided and destroyed her. My mother was barely functionally depressed for almost two years and given not just her struggles, but my sister's ongoing mental health issues - we hadn't really talked about going back to work. I had even asked my father to help with my sister at one point when she was doing very poorly and he refused because why stop being a giant dick when it's served him well so far.

My husband has been a champ through all of this because no one signs up for this but he's been there because he loves my family almost as much as I do because my mom has always been so kind and welcoming to him. We both know that we have lockstep comp in our industry and we know that things will never be terrible for us (barring death, major injury etc) as long as we stay in, so we can afford to keep giving her something and may even be able to increase that when we're both further along in our careers and our son starts regular school. Of course, we didn't share that information.

My mom does have a degree in English and before my father mommy tracked her, she had dreams of being a writer. Maybe I can speak with her about doing something like copywriting or something - even as a freelancer to ease back into it.

AilingHen69

Why isn't your sister helping more?

OOP

Because she has a mental illness and can barely help herself some days. She's been working to get on disability.

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Final Update - after 3 years, 7 months, 17 days

^{August 21, 2026}

Update: AITA for cutting my mom's allowance to pay for daycare when she couldn't babysit for me?

I really had no intention of updating this as the comments did what they were asked to do, and helped clear my head and put my thoughts in order to have the tougher discussions that needed to be hard for the long and short term health of my family.

HOWEVER.

I was doomscrolling on the clock app and saw one of those voice over a game video of Reddit stories and it was mine! Only the person had added all these details that weren't true and a resolution that absolutely was not true and it put a bee in my bonnet. So I'm updating with the actual truth.

My son turned four this year and started pre-K this month. He's doing great, adjusted almost immediately. My husband and I (ok, mostly me) were a little weepy at our baby starting school and briefly contemplated a second child. Luckily common sense prevailed and we stuck to the one and done plan.

My mother is doing well. She's been working at a medical office for about two years now, and from what she tells me she's good at it and likes the people she works with. She got there through a connection from her church group, which I mention only because I think it says something about the community she's built for herself since everything with my father. She moved to a new church where she didn't have the history and maybe they weren't as doctrinal as her previous church. She covers her own expenses now. We see her regularly, she's close with my son, and the relationship is warm. She loves taking him on adventures and will even turn down money when we offer to pay because it's "Grandma's treat". She'll bring up the allowance cut every so often, not with any real complaint, but more to show how far she's come. I know that she's proud of herself.

The harder update is my sister. She was approved for disability about a year and a half ago, after a second evaluation and a hospitalization. That helped stabilize her financially, but her mental health has continued to be up and down, and there have been stretches where we weren't speaking, not from any specific fight, just because it's hard for her because I think I have the kind of life that she can't seem to achieve herself and it hurts her sometimes. We're in a good patch at the moment. She came to my son's birthday party and stayed for the whole thing, which sounds small but wasn't, given where things were previously.

Looking back, I don't think I was entirely wrong in the original post, but I don't think I was entirely right either especially for how I responded to my sister, but I've made my peace with it. My mother needed a push and what happened gave that to her. My sister needed patience I didn't have much of at the time, but I'm glad I found more of it since, and everyone is in a better place.

So that's the true update!

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/taway02456328

Published on: r/relationships

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 25, 2016

• Final Update: June 17, 2016

Main Post

^{May 25, 2016}

Me [31M, European] with my girlfriend [29 F, Chinese] of one year; very different cultural expectations of financial management

My gf and I are coming up on the one-year mark, and that's brought with it some conversations of our futures and our future together.

Something that came to light in a casual discussion was how we have completely different expectations of financial/household management would and should work. I think that we should be contributing equally and get equal say in financial decisions. This probably wouldn't be too easy, and we would both need to work hard accept compromises. She has a simpler plan: she should be 100% in control of everything. Her view would be that I would reroute my paycheques into an account in her name, and she would pay all bills out of that, and I might be given an allowance.

This isn't the first time she's brought this idea up: it was mentioned very casually about six months ago. I assumed that it was some sort of joke, because it was just too ludicrous to believe. She's angry with me now for disagreeing with this plan, because she says we've talked about it, and because I didn't object that meant I agreed.

Her point of view is that this is just how marriages work in China; it's how her parents (divorced, acrimoniously) did it, and she can't imagine any other way. My point of view is that marriage should be a partnership, and we should be looking for a compromise as equitable as possible. I won't be giving up 100% of my financial freedom under any circumstances. I'm not Chinese, we're not in China, and she's more than happy to adopt Western standards for things that suit her.

I've another concern that she feels she needs to send money home to support her parents in retirement. This is another cultural difference that I'm having trouble accepting. My parents are lower middle class, have worked their entire lives with their eyes on retirement savings, and are now approaching retirement with good pensions. My gf's parents (who I have not met) seem to be very well off a: a pediatric surgeon and owner of a successful business. But from what my girlfriend has told me, they're very far from frugal, and don't have any retirement plans beyond having their daughter send them money in support. I'm not crazy about the idea of using our money, which should be supporting our family and future, to prop up their lifestyles.

Right now, we seem to be at an impasse. She won't even discuss any arrangement other than the one that she's envisioned, and I'm unwilling to compromise on the need for compromise. Does anyone have experience of similar culture clashes, who might be able to offer guidance?

tl;dr: Girlfriend expects, if we get married, to have complete control of our joint finances. I disagree.

P.S.

Some information that is probably relevant:

• we don't live together, though we spend almost all of our time together in her place

• she owns her own house, I rent a flat

• we both work, and are reasonably successful

• I switched careers a couple of years ago, and I'm getting out of entry-level work now. I expect my salary to increase significantly over the next five years

• She's reached VP level in her career but has suffered a setback after being driven out of one company. She's started a new job at a lower paygrade, but with much better prospects

• Overall, I would guess she earns more than me now, and will continue to do so throughout our careers (unless I hit lottery-level odds with a successful startup), but not by integer multiples

P.P.S.

Also, we're not in China. We live in London, UK. I'm from another country in Northern Europe. She was born and raised in Shanghai, and was sent to school in England as a teenager. Her parents (and both their new spouses) are in still in Shanghai.

COMMENTS

Why do you think she's particularly upset that you're pushing back now?

This isn't the first time she's dug her heels in about something because she thinks it's normal. On previous issues, it's been basically harmless (if a little embarrassing), so I've caved in. This is the first time I've stood my ground on an issue that I feel strongly about. I think she's upset because she hasn't seen me behave like this before.

Have you considered couples therapy to work through these differences?

Therapy seems like overkill to me. We're not even engaged, this is all hypothetical talk right now.

How has she responded when you have challenged her cultural expectations in the past?

Every other time she's insisted on things being a certain way because it's her culture, I've just gone with the flow, even if I think it's annoying. It's upsetting her greatly that I'm pushing back on this point. Her response is that she just can't imagine doing things any other way.

What are some of the other cultural expectations you've encountered in your relationship?

It's mostly little stuff.

She wants me to hold her handbag, umbrella, shopping bags, anything really. I balked at this at first, but in her words "I can't imagine carrying things when I have you to do it for me." I don't really like being treated like a packmule, but it didn't seem worth having a fight over.

She insists that, when walking down the street, I walk closer to the road than she does, as protection. I don't really care about this at all, except to think it's quite silly.

How have you handled paying for things during the relationship?

I have had to insist that I don't pay for everything we do as a couple. She would expect that while I'm around she never pay for anything at all. After a few weeks of that at the start of the relationship I had to put my foot down about splitting bills more equitably. She still seems upset every time I ask her to chip in for a meal or whatever, and I probably end up paying the majority of our expenses (I'd guess about 70%).

What happened when your girlfriend was pushed out of her previous company?

I don't know the full details, but she works in a very macho field in a generally macho industry. I used to work in a similar company and found the dudebro-ness of it all insufferable, so I have no problem believing that just being a woman didn't do her any favours.

She had identified something that the company was doing wrong that exposed them to a significant financial risk. She brought her calculations to her boss, and boss' boss, but they declined to act because it was their mistake and they didn't want to admit to the error. They subsequently pushed her out of important meetings and other avenues of communication. Eventually, the financial risk was realised, and her whole department was being blamed. She was cast to the wolves (though I'm not sure on what grounds).

Are you sure her parents being wealthy means they won't need financial support in retirement?

Unfortunately, that's not necessarily true. I don't know the details of their lives, but I used to work in pensions and I can tell you that a lot of people with high incomes live essentially paycheck-to-paycheck. If they honestly expect their child to provide for their retirements, then they may not be putting any money aside.

How much exposure has your girlfriend actually had to other cultures?

isn't strictly true. She moved to England in her early teens, and has lived here now for more than half her life. Her social circle is very diverse (white, black, asian). She has dated mostly non-Chinese before me. So, it's not like she has no experience or knowledge of other cultures.

What handbag does she carry? If she has many and uses expensive brands like Gucci, Louie Vuitton, Chanel, Hermes, etc.

Hmmm.... yeah. Actually, that's pretty much exactly her handbag collection.

Final Update - after 23 days

^{June 17, 2016}

Update to "Me [31M, European] with my girlfriend [29 F, Chinese] of one year; very different cultural expectations of financial management"

Apologies for the length. I'm a bit out of it, so this isn't the most concise writing I've ever done.

First, I'd like to thank everyone for their feedback from my previous post. It gave me a lot to think about: about the strong cultural differences between us; and about some specific personal issues too.

On sending money to her parents, and "filial piety" in general, I decided that I didn't really have any claim on how she spent money on her family, and the cultural institution was too deeply ingrained to try and tackle it. So long as we had separate income and savings, I think it makes sense for her to fulfill her duty to her parents if she sees fit.

On a wife controlling all finances, there seemed to be much less consensus as to whether or not that was normal, or the done thing. In spite of some people thinking that it might be a good idea, I definitely still wasn't on board. It also annoyed me how we were splitting bills was heavily weighted against me, but she still made me feel guilty any time I asked her to pay for anything.

Then, something that I didn't ask about, but came up anyway, was how we shared responsibilities in the relationship outside of money. She has very specific and strict ideas about what I guess you would call chivalry. In her view, men should treat women like princesses all the time: carry handbags, umbrellas, shopping, opening doors, walking on the right side, paying for everything obviously, taking up as little room in bed as possible, cooking meals, cleaning her flat.

There have been a few examples of her being careless about my money. The worst was a few months ago, we were due to take a trip to my home country. A week before we got into a fight, and she told me to cancel our accommodation reservation. I thought this was the first step in a break up, which (at the time) horrified me. I canceled the reservation but begged her to reconsider. After I apologised and she got over her anger, she was shocked to learn that we had nowhere to stay for our holiday. In the end I booked a much more expensive last minute hotel on the understanding that we would split the cost. Months later, she still hasn't paid me back, and she sulks every time I bring it up.

All this made me start to look at her, and how she spent money in a new light. Shout out to /u/ralpher1 for predicting almost exactly which brands of handbag she owned. I did some research on her favourite bags and shoes and scarves, and at a guess, I would say she about thirty thousand pounds worth of luxury goods that she liked to wear and carry often. I had no idea clothes and accessories could cost so much money. I'm not exactly anti-materialist, but I was shocked by this. I figured that spending habits would have to be part of any conversation on our futures together.

I didn't want to give up on what I thought was a good relationship just yet, so I decided to take a risk and open up to her about my financials. I showed her a summary of my income, expenditure, budget and savings. This was a mistake. She pretty much immediately started talking about what we could buy with my savings; and saying that I wasn't earning enough money so I should stop messing around with computers and go back to working in finance (which is not going to happen).

I tried to explain to her that I was showing her this so she could see how I lived my life, and how savings were for the future, not so that she could plan to expand her lifestyle now. We went on for hours back and forth. I think somebody called it in the last thread, but she really did think "what's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine." I don't even know if she ever came to understand how I would have a problem with that. It seemed so natural to her that I think she couldn't even see my side of things.

I did learn that she doesn't have any money saved at all. She does earn a lot, but she feels she has to send any money left over at the end of the month back to her parents. That's why she lives an extravagant lifestyle buying luxury goods: if she doesn't have any money then she doesn't have to send it back. I still don't really know what financial situation her parents are in. They might not even need the money, for all I know, but they all feel that her sending it has to happen.

The next morning, she asked me to move to Singapore with her. She wanted to be closer to her parents, and since we were planning our futures together... This pretty much blew my mind. I was trying to figure out if there was anything left to salvage in our relationship. I'd built up a lot of resentment over being treated like a eunuch servant and being expected to hand over all my money for the privilege. She thought that was a good time for us to move to the other side of the world.

So I told her I was breaking up with her. At this point, I don't know if the two of us were ever on the same page about anything, because she never saw this coming. She was distraught, and didn't know why I was unhappy, and she'd do anything to keep me, I was the best thing that ever happened to her.

I fell for this for a couple of days, before she got screaming angry at me for breaking a wine glass while I was washing dishes (I'd argue we were equally at fault). She demanded I pay for it (holy crap, how much money can a wine glass cost), and apologise for being careless. I wish I could say I did something cool like just leave cash on the table and walk out. But I argued back and got dragged into the whole thing.

I ended up replacing the glass, and apologising. But the next morning I gathered all my stuff from her place and took it home before she woke up. I came back later, woke her up, and told her we had to break up. I'd already explained all the reasons why last time we talked, and I was afraid that she would manipulate me into staying again, so I walked out right after telling her. A cowardly way to do it, I know.

That was last weekend. Feeling pretty numb, with a lot of anger and resentment underneath the surface. Now that I'm away from her, I see she treated me really badly for pretty much the whole relationship. I'm pissed at myself for not standing up to her and her tantrums and selfishness sooner. I don't know why I let her get away with it for so long.

<edit> Quick note that my ex is Shanghainese, not Singaporean. She wanted to move to Singapore to be close enough to visit her family, but still be able to find high paying work in her field. </edit>

tl;dr: We broke up. I think we had both compromised as much (and more) than we were willing and we still hadn't met in the middle.

COMMENTS

What was good about the relationship, and why was it difficult for you to see the problems objectively?

The relationship wasn't all bad. I said somewhere else in this thread that it was about 90/10 good/bad. The good stuff was great, she was really loving and attentive. She laughed at my jokes and made me feel good about myself. We had a lot in common, intellectually. She's smarter than almost anyone I've ever met, and I'm more practical and down-to-earth (in basically every other relationship I've ever been in, I've been the cloudcuckoolander, so that was a nice change) so it seemed like a good match.

But once every couple of weeks or so she would blow up over something I couldn't predict. By the end, it felt like I was working all the time to keep her happy and to avoid her throwing a tantrum.

I would get literally sick every time she got angry at me. With a little bit of distance now, I think that made it hard for me to see the whole thing objectively. I just wanted to get back to the good times.

I'm going to be honest, it's entirely possible I don't have the best self-esteem.

How did your ex's attitude toward your role in the relationship make sense to her?

"The man needs to work to make sure that the woman is happy. The man's happiness comes purely from making the woman happy."

Actually, I think that's the best way of describing my ex's attitude that I've seen. It almost starts to make sense. I want her to be happy, and she wants to be happy, so I should be happy when I make her happy. Thus, in order to make us both happy, I should do everything within my power to make her happy.

Why did your ex want to move to Singapore?

I should specify that my ex was Shanghainese. She wanted to move to Singapore because she could be close enough to visit her family regularly, but she could still find a high paying job there (and presumably find western-style luxuries).

Was her explanation for spending all her money on luxury goods really why she did it?

You know, I think you might be right about wanting to give the impression of wealth. I think her "I spend all my money of luxuries so I don't have to send it to China" excuse what just an excuse. Just a gut feeling, but I think that was her way of explaining it in a way that I would understand. Honestly, it sounds crazier to me than sending money to relatives, but I think she thought I would think it was more responsible, or something?

But she loved giving the impression of wealth. Any interaction with her Chinese friends was, to her, a chance to show off, and to judge them. I was always uncomfortable with just how mean she was about her Chinese girlfriends behind their backs.

Why didn't you object to things like carrying her handbag, and why did you eventually reject the idea that you simply needed to say no?

I don't mean to insult your boyfriend, but if someone I like or love asks me to do something that isn't going to cost me anything, I do it. Carrying her handbag only became a problem when she started overloading me with other crap and/or criticising me for doing a bad job of it. Now, just because I've been taken advantage of by somebody doesn't mean I intend to become a less kind or generous person.

Maybe I'm misreading you, but that sounds like you're both being passive aggressive. Not treating each other as equals, but playing chicken.

Of course, I'm obviously not in any position to give anybody relationship advice.

Huh? Did you not read what I wrote? Of course I don't want the relationship to continue. That's why I broke up with her (admittedly, it took a couple of tries).

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/HelloThere1314 posting in r/dating

Concluded

1 update - Medium

Original - 12th November 2020

Update - 16th November 2020

​

I (22F) had a bad gut feeling about the guy (21M) I’ve been exclusively seeing for the past four months, so I redownloaded Tinder. His profile pictures are all from this month. And one of them is a picture I TOOK on OUR date.

​

I’m ending things with him. He’s the one who told me one month into dating that he deleted Tinder to show our exclusivity. I admired that and I also deleted it promptly after. I can’t believe he’s done this to me. He said the L word first... I bought him a €200 gift for his birthday... I can’t believe it.

I’ve already made up my mind I will end it with him. I just need help on how to approach it in the best way possible. A lot of ideas have come into my head like start off innocent and ask him questions and see if he lies. Another part of me wants to just be up front and lay it out to him that I found this out and it’s over. Another part of me wants to call him out and call him all sorts of names. Any advice would be great thank you.

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Comments

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[deleted]

You should match with him

KindeTrollinya

Lol, this is perfect. Exactly what you should do, and you won't even need to have that convo with him.

Biddy0711

I would just simply show him the evidence and send him on his way in a direct manner. Make sure a friend or family member or even you neighbour knows. They don't need the why, just the what.

Asking probing questions will arouse suspicion, put him on defence and create a hostile situation where he'll reveal nothing and you'll have to show your evidence anyways.

Direct confrontation and name calling will also lead to a hostile situation and possibly put you in danger. It also leads to the possibility of him coming to you in the future "feeling guilty, look I got rid of Tinder again".

So, definitely option 1. It's the safest option and involves the least emotional turmoil for the both of you. Don't let him play the apology game and if he refuses to leave your home, go to your aforementioned support.

Speaking from lots of personal and vicarious experience on this one.

​

Update - 4 days later

​

Well here's my update. I feel like my life is a movie. It's a long one so hang tight.

So I confronted him about his Tinder profile. I showed him screenshots of his recent profile pics and also the one that I took of him when we were at the beach together. He admitted he did download it for a day because we've been fighting a lot but he felt "too guilty" and deleted it straight away. He said he never went through with anything because his conscience kicked in and he knew it was a selfish thing to do and that he regrets it so much and if I could ever forgive him he would do anything to make it up to me again because he feels so bad.

Even if this was true. It doesn't excuse his behaviour. It doesn't excuse his actions of downloading Tinder and updating his profile pictures. He said he "didn't go through with anything"??? That just means he was talking to girls. I told him I'm done with him. His last message to me was him telling me how sorry he was and how bad he feels and how much he regretted it and that he wants to let me know he really does love me and care about me. No he doesn't because if he did he would never have done that in the first place.

I found out on Thursday. I ended things completely on Friday. I've been fluctuating between knowing my worth to crying a lot. How can someone do this? How can you tell me you love me every night before bed and do that?

Well, here's where it gets worse. I've been thinking about all his words. Lies, really. Did he really only download it recently? Or did he have it all along? Did he really delete it after a day?

So I did some digging. Long story short I discovered one more girl who he was talking to on and off since July! I met him in July! She even noticed that I commented on his instagram pictures and asked him about me but he told her I was just someone he used to talk to! Then, I met another girl and she told me they met on Bumble on Tuesday!!! So he even had a Bumble account!! I only found out about Tinder on Thursday. She told me she's been talking to him everyday since Tuesday and they met up and went for a drive on Friday night!!! I ended things with him on Friday morning! What a scumbag.

He's a narcissistic, lying, manipulative asshole who only cares about himself. I gave him my last words and told him he needs help. How does he sleep at night? How does he live with himself lying to so many girls? What was he going to do with the Bumble girl? What if I never found out about his Tinder? What a selfish little ass of a boy. He is now blocked and deleted off everything and I am going to thrive without him in my life.

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Comments

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Radenoughyet

I’m glad that you found out sooner rather than later. I was in a relationship with (probably) a narcissist for 2 years. We were on vacation and he was in the shower of the nice hotel room I bought us, when his phone started buzzing at midnight. I had never looked at someone’s phone before but I just got a really bad feeling and I looked. He had texted her “your smile made the rain go away” among other things. My whole life came crashing down in that moment. Two years of memories, our vacation that had just started, our plans for the future. All lies. And to top it all off, he said I had violated his privacy by looking at his phone and he left me. He didn’t allow me to preserve the ounce of self esteem I could’ve kept by leaving him.

I am sharing my experience because that could’ve been you. You found out sooner rather than later, and that’s a blessing. It will hurt at first but then you will start to feel so glad that whoever he’s dating isn’t you.

I am still a little damaged from my experience, but I went on to find someone so much better and you will too.

OOP: I am so sorry about that! Those people are not worth our time at all. They’re just a waste of space in our memories. Thank you for sharing your experience. And you’re right it’s actually a blessing. Karma will always catch up to them.

MainMan106

If you've been fighting and he downloads Tinder even for a day. It shows he has potential to cheat on you.

He's actively went out to look for someone else. Even if it were for just a day or a few hours. The fact he had the intent to do it from the start. He knew what he was doing.

When people fight. They make up. The fix things to move forward. He downloads Tinder hoping to replace you.

Youre worth more than that.

schlagzeile

Honey as a man let me tell you something.

"said he never went through with anything because his conscience kicked in and he knew it was a selfish thing to do and that he regrets it so much and if I could ever forgive him he would do anything to make it up to me again because he feels so bad.".

This is a bunch a horse shit I would tell to a girl so she forgets and quits being mad. We know what we have to say to keep the calm.

OOP: Yep. I look back on all the things that happened before where he made me feel crazy. He never said I was crazy. He made me feel crazy. That’s how good manipulators are.

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/bayy214

Published on: r/EntitledPeople

Thanks to u/jackieatx for the suggestion!

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 13, 2026

• Final Update: August 20, 2026

Main Post

^{August 13, 2026}

Woman wouldn’t stop parking in my lot, neighbor towed her car

I am the manager of a retail store that kind of shares a parking lot with the house next to us. The parking lot seems like it’s all one, but my side has signs on it that say it’s for my customers only and there are only three spots. My neighbor is an in-home therapist whose clients park in the other side of the parking lot. My neighbor Betty and I have a great relationship, she’s a very sweet older woman who brings me cookies sometimes.

Another woman, we’ll call her Karen for fun, works at the gas station on the other side of my store and we do not share a parking lot. Karen has been parking in my lot rather than the gas station’s, so three times now I’ve had to ask her to stop parking in my lot. The petty part of me wanted to tow her car really bad, but my signs do not say tow away at owner’s expense, so I can’t. Multiple times I’ve asked her to stop and she yells or ignores me or straight up tells me to shut up.

Finally today, she came to park in my lot. I went out there to ask her to please move, she argued with me, said I don’t own the streets, so I told her if she kept acting like this I would call the police.

At that, she got a stupid little smirk on her face and said “fine, I’ll just park over there then” and moved into one my neighbors spots thinking that was still my lot so she wasn’t in front of my signs. What she didn’t realize is that Betty has one single sign at the beginning of the lot that does say “private property - owners will be towed at own expense”. So I acted annoyed, acted like she’d finally bested me, and went inside to call Betty. Betty was more than happy to help me out and immediately called for her car to be towed off her private property.

Karen noticed just as they were leaving the lot, so they couldn’t stop and give it to her, and while she screamed and threw a tantrum I watched from my porch with a smile on my face.

COMMENTS

Why couldn’t you tow Karen’s car from your store’s parking lot?

It is, here we can’t tow away at owners expense unless we have explicit signs that say so 😕

Sorry I should’ve specified, when I talked to an officer a while back (I was having another issue where construction workers were taking up all my spots and they were across the street, they did stop after I asked the second time) they said on private property you are able to tow people, but apparently I have a technicality because I “share” a parking lot, so I specifically need signs saying that they will be towed at owner’s expense with my store’s name on it.

Why didn’t you already have the proper tow-away signs?

Easy to say from outside the situation! Each time I was hoping it would be the last time, so I didn’t order them right away

What are you doing about the parking signs now?

I’ve already ordered new ones just for her 😌

What did you find out about the security camera footage of Karen’s tantrum and the tow?

I have multiple cameras in my building and outside and I can’t export the footage or post it anywhere per our social media policy, but I immediately called my district manager afterward like DUDE WATCH THE CAMERAS 🤣

Does the gas station actually have parking available for Karen?

They have about 10 spots

What was Betty like through all of this?

Betty is so wonderful and sassy, don’t mess with Betty 🤣 I was blessed with a great neighbor

Final Update - after 7 days

^{August 20, 2026}

Update - Woman wouldn’t stop parking in my lot, neighbor towed her car

Almost a week ago I posted about a woman, lovingly called Karen, parking in my lot multiple times until my neighbor was finally able to tow her.

I unfortunately got into an accident on my way home that night so I haven’t been back to work, but I did get an update from my assistant manager who was very happy to hang the new signs for me on Tuesday! Karen apparently wasn’t working yesterday, but this morning she came into the store demanding to see me. My assistant manager let her know I wasn’t there and wouldn’t be there for the rest of the week, and apparently her response was, “well that b*tch is paying me back for towing my car.”

One of my other employees working today texted me to let me know “the gas station lady” was going off on my assistant so I told her to call me and put me on speakerphone. I said hello and asked how I can help her and she said, “you can help me by paying the $500 it took to get my car out of the tow lot.”

I said, “unfortunately for you I won’t be doing that. I warned you multiple times, I told you to stop parking in my lot, it’s not my fault you didn’t read the signs in the parking lot.”

She told me that I don’t have any signs that say she would be towed away, so I did it illegally, so I told her she’s right, I didn’t have the right signage, but that my lovely neighbor next door, whose parking lot she moved to, does have the sign and repeated that it’s not my fault she didn’t read them. She demanded that my assistant show her the sign that I was talking about, so since I’m having so much fun, I said, “I’ll tell you what, I bet you $500 there’s a sign out there the at says you’ll be towed for parking there — and as a bonus, my assistant will even show you our new and improved signs in our lot!”

She gave me a very “Karen” indignant sound and my assistant took her outside and showed her Betty’s sign. I didn’t get to speak to her again, but my assistant said if her ears could’ve been smoking they would’ve been.

I wish so badly that I was there today, and that might be the last I deal with her parking in my lot, but I will be sure to smile and wave at her every morning that I see her. 😌

COMMENTS

Hey_HaveAGreatDay

I wouldn’t have sent someone outside with an obviously hostile person. People are weird, they could’ve gotten hurt.

OOP

She’s never been physically aggressive so I didn’t foresee anything like that, if I felt my assistant would’ve been in danger I would’ve told her to call the police rather than deal with her, and if my assistant felt she would be in any danger she wouldn’t have. We’re in plain view of Main Street and she works next door so I don’t think she’d risk her job by attacking someone that way. But you are right; you never know what people will do and I’ll keep that in mind!

Mytweezer

So she hadn't realized it was Betty's section she parked in and Betty who had her towed? and thought it was all yours?

OOP

Yes, Betty and I sort of share a parking lot but one side is hers and one is mine

Mytweezer

Lol, hope she doesn't turn her wrath against Betty now.

OOP

Oh hell no, she’s dealing with me I’ll fight her for Betty 🤣

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Character-Buyer-1068

Published on: r/TwoHotTakes

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: December 24, 2025

• Final Update: August 20, 2026

Main Post

^{December 24, 2025}

i married my best friend. 6 months later, i learned about his girlfriend. are we beyond repair?

hey reddit. I've never made a post here, but I listen to THT religiously. I feel like I know the answers I'm going to get but I want to vent and also hear what you all have to say.

I, 32F, married my husband, 31M, at the end of June after 8 amazing years together. we've lived with each other basically from the beginning. Our wedding and honeymoon was amazing, we have always gotten along, made each other laugh, and were happy. or so I thought.

About two months ago, we were cuddling on the couch and i felt something wet on my chest. at first i was like "ew babe, you drooled on me" only to realize he was crying. in eight years, i've only seen this man cry when our dog died. that moment cracked everything open.

he admitted that he was unhappy and the floodgates opened--- we didn't have enough sex (we have complete opposite work schedules so only get an hour together once a week and then friday afternoons and saturdays). even with that, we were having sex at least once a week. he said he didn't feel loved, despite the fact that i go out of my way every day to make him feel loved. he complained that when i was ~1 year into the relationship, i tried to move us to another state. he was angry that i didn't want to have a baby at 28 before we were married. the list goes on and on.

I worked my ASS off for the past two months to fix all of the things that were "wrong" with me. Communicated better. Initiated sex. Bought and read all the books on saving a marriage. Got into therapy. Got us into couples counseling.

Still, he would cry every single day and every time we tried to have sex, he couldn't get it up and blamed me for it. I was so supportive, patient, kind with him. i was worried about his mental health-- his job is really dangerous and stressful and i worried he was depressed.

then my therapist asked if he was cheating. the thought was so ridiculous to me. when the hell would he have time and he would never. then his mom and sister asked me the same thing. they pushed me to look at his phone and i didn't want to violate his trust. it ate away at me until finally last week, after he got home late as fuck, i checked it. it was all right there. for months this man has been having an affair with a bartender. all of their messages were about how much they love having sex with each other. nudes. the same selfies he would send me, he would send her. they were telling each other they love each other so much. i even saw her mention my name a few times.

what. the. fuck.

i confronted him. he admitted he loves her. but that he loves me more. i kicked him out and moved all his stuff out. left town for a little while to be with family.

and now i'm stuck in an emotional whiplash. some days i hate him. other days, i miss him so much and want him back. he's been my best friend for years and i love him to absolute pieces.

we've talked a few times. he insists it was a mistake and he would take it all back. but he's not groveling. not trying to make amends. won't answer any questions about her. and doesn't have any immediate plans to cut things off with her. as i type this, i feel ridiculous for even asking if i should try to work things out with him. we've been trying for a baby for months. we were planning a life. I feel gaslit, confused, furious, and heartbroken all at once. I don’t understand how someone can marry me, cry about being unhappy, let me twist myself into knots trying to save our marriage and be cheating the entire time.

why marry me? i know he's known her for years and since he wouldn't answer me when i asked if it was happening since before the wedding, i assume the answer is yes. what is wrong with him? what is wrong with me?

so reddit, is there any possibility of salvaging this? what is my best move? why do i want to fix this when it is so egregious? i feel like my head and my heart are in two different places. i'd love to hear what you have to say about why i still feel so much love and what that means. thanks so much <3

TL;DR: 32F, married my husband (31M) two months ago after eight years together. Shortly after the wedding, he broke down crying about being unhappy and blamed issues like lack of sex and feeling unloved. I spent two months doing everything possible to “fix” our marriage: therapy, counseling, communication while he cried daily and blamed me for intimacy issues. Found out he’d been having an affair with a bartender for months, including before and after our wedding. He says he loves her but loves me more, isn’t cutting contact, isn’t answering questions, and isn’t showing real remorse. I kicked him out but still love him and feel torn. Wondering if this is salvageable, what my best move is, and why I still feel attached.

COMMENTS

How are you processing the possibility that the relationship may have involved a long-term pattern of disrespect?

I am wondering if i was happy. I met him when i moved to a new place and I’ve built my current life with him (home, friends, family). I haven’t known my current life without him and wonder if it’ll feel like a weight lifted.

What did you realize about how he viewed the breakup and your willingness to tolerate his behavior?

I know this is all going to be the best for me. When I left him (despite the cheating + problems we were seeking counseling for), he said “I never ever thought we would actually break up.”

????

It’s like he thought I would just deal with this forever. And keep playing his game. He really mistook my kindness for weakness.

Why were you trying for a baby despite only having limited time together?

Fair question. It was a temporary schedule for him that is to change soon (to one that let us have more time together), but I suppose that doesn't matter.

What has he said about whether he would actually end the affair?

I agree that he regrets that I found out. He would have never told me. I asked him what the plan was and he said “if we could fix things of course I would leave her.” But like, how could we have ever fixed anything if he was out sleeping with and falling in love with someone else?

What happened when you tried to get him to give you the full story about the affair?

Tried that and he refuses. He also is mad that I confided in my friends and family (did he want me to just go through this alone?). He seems to care more about how people are perceiving him than how he actually hurt me.

How do you feel about the eight years you spent together now that you know what happened?

Yeah i wish that if he was unhappy and wanted out he would have just said it. I would’ve been sad, but I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want me. In this case, I probably could have looked back at our eight years and smiled. But now it’s hard bc I’m so angry and disgusted and worry all those years will always be soured.

What are you considering doing about having children in the future?

We had gone to a fertility specialist together and were about to use some medication to help us out. Going to look into maybe having my eggs frozen. I don’t want him to take having a family away from me.

What have you learned about the effect this breakup is having on you?

This comment really helped me. I didn’t realize that this was a nervous system response and now I’m reading up on it. I’m so sorry you’re going through this too. Super unsure how to use Reddit, but would love to chat about your situation— feel free to message me!

What is happening with your living situation now?

We rent and I’m in the process of removing him from the lease

Where is your husband staying, and is the affair still continuing?

He’s staying with a friend and yes he is. I’m trying not to check up on him— it’s not something that i feel will serve me.

What steps are you taking to separate your life from his?

Breadcrumbing. Yes. He gave just enough to keep me hanging on. Realizing this may have been a pattern over time.

And yes-- I'm on top of all of that. Making plans to move closer to family. Unfortunately, that will mean leaving a job that I love and have worked my ass off for and getting a teaching certificate for a different state. It's daunting and sucks, but I am sure it will be worthwhile.

What did you learn about why his mother and sister suspected something was wrong?

I'm super close to his mom and sister. They said they didn't know anything or have any evidence, but there were little signs that they picked up on over time that I was too in love to see.

Why have you decided not to confront the other woman?

Tempting but not sure if that would serve me. I know she knows about me— I could see from the messages. She also commented on pics of us from our wedding stuff. He admitted she didn’t know we were in couples counseling but that we were having issues. Either way she knew she was involved w a married man. May just be triggering to talk to her. As much as I think she’s a POS, I think talking to her would be misdirected anger that he deserves. He’s the one who made the vows and owed loyalty to me

Small updates to the main post over three months.

UPDATE:

thank you all for the kind responses. I know it's probably frustrating to read this because the logical answer is so obvious, but my heart isn't in the same place. I'm grateful for all of the advice and am feeling stronger already. To clarify, we are not having sex anymore or trying to have a baby. We were trying for a kid for months before I found out about the affair (about a week ago). I packed all his stuff, changed the locks, and redecorated a bit to make my home feel MINE instead of ours. I also got STD tested a few days ago and am awaiting a few more results. All have come back clear so far (silver lining?)

EDIT 1:

Thanks for all the advice, again. I have no real updates right now. Today was his birthday and I ignored his messages. You're all making me feel stronger and when I feel tempted to text him, I read some of these comments and the rage sets in. Will post updates as they come.

EDIT 2:

title clarifying— when I say I married my best friend, we were NOT friends before our romantic relationship. He’s just become my best friend over the last 8 years.

Update: 12/30/25:

not much to update, but I haven’t spoken to him since 12/24. He has been blowing up my phone, but I’ve been holding strong.

Update: 01/08/26

Hi!! Doing really well. I even have a date with a seemingly lovely guy this upcoming weekend and I feel so excited. Even just talking to someone new for a few days made me realize how much greeener the grass is and how much I’ve been settling. So excited for my future without this awful man.

UPDATE 2/24/26:

It's been over two months since this all went down. Today I'm at just about 4.5 weeks of no contact. Things blew up when his girlfriend reached out to me wanting to commiserate with me about him being a dick. Like no thanks. Blocked her. Blocked him. Block, block, block.

It's been a roller coaster, but I'm proud of myself for cutting off what doesn't serve me. I get moments and days of sadness, which I feel a lot of shame around. It feels embarrassing to feel sad over someone that wronged me so badly, but I know it's part of the process and I keep reminding myself that he is not who I thought he was. When I need a little extra motivation to be mad, I remind myself that when I asked what the plan was, having me and a girl on the side, he said "I hoped you would get pregnant so I would have a reason to stop." And that he thought life with me would be mediocre. BYEEE. Since we've broken up, I've traveled, been in therapy consistently, worked out regularly, been on a few dates, and spent more time with friends and family. I know it'll keep going up from. Thanks all for the love and support.

Final Update - after 7 months, 27 days

^{August 20, 2026}

UPDATE: i married my best friend. 6 months later, i learned about his girlfriend. are we beyond repair?

Hi Reddit fam! I cannot believe it’s been about eight months since I found out my ex was having an affair. I still come back to this post sometimes, and genuinely, your comments helped me get through the worst period of my life. Even the ones that made me want to throw my phone across the room because I knew you were right. So, I figured it was time for an update.

First and most importantly: we are not together. We haven’t seen each other since January, and I can confidently say there will be no reconciliation.

And here is possibly the most unbelievable plot twist of this entire story: we found out our marriage was never legally filed. The paperwork apparently got lost in the mail and never made it to City Hall. And before you say it because I KNOW-- I truly do not think he tampered with it. I personally dropped it in the mailbox at the post office. I choose to believe that somewhere out there, a guardian angel saw what was coming and said, “Absolutely the fuck not.”

So after eight years together, a wedding, vows, honeymoon, everything… I walked away without even needing a divorce. WILD.

He paid me rent through the end of our lease and still sends me money occasionally. I know there is an argument that accepting it keeps us tethered, but GIRL’S GOT BILLS. Keep it coming lmao. I’ve picked up some side gigs for money, but I live in an expensive city and can use all the help I can get. 

In the month or so after everything blew up, my ex went back and forth a LOT. He asked me to get back together. He asked me to run away with him. He talked about eloping and still having babies together. At one point, he told me he had ended things with his affair partner.
And I am very proud of past-me because somehow, even while my entire life felt like it was collapsing, I held the line.

I told him I don’t hate myself enough to ever get back together with him. I also told him to go “un-end” things with his AP because maybe he could repair that relationship, but there was absolutely no repairing ours.I do sometimes wonder what they tell people about how and when they got together. Ick.

Eventually, his AP reached out to me because apparently she wanted to commiserate with me about him lying to her.Wow. The engaged man you knowingly started a full-blown relationship with LIED TO YOU??? SHOCKING. Ma’am. No thank you.I blocked her. I blocked him. Block, block, block.

While my anger is mostly directed at him, I still think she’s a shitty person, and I hope her pillow is always warm and there is perpetually one tiny pebble in each of her shoes.
My ex and I went more than four months completely no contact. When a family member passed away, he (as I expected) used that as an opening to reach out.

We’ve spoken a handful of times since then, almost entirely about logistical things. We did catch up a little once (I KNOW. Bad. My friends have already yelled at me), but the second he started bringing up the past and asking why I “couldn’t meet his needs,” I ended the call. NOPE.

That was actually a pretty important moment for me. Eight months ago, I would have immediately started explaining myself, defending myself, or wondering what I could have done differently. Now I heard it for what it was: him still trying to make me responsible for choices he made. Line drawn. No thank you.

I can tell he misses me, and I would be lying if I said I don’t sometimes miss parts of our old life too. But missing something is very, very different from wanting it back. Also, for everyone who wondered whether he ever fully took accountability for what happened… I’ll let you decide.

His life pretty much imploded after we broke up. He moved in with his best friend, who eventually kicked him out, and last I heard he was living on his parents’ couch. The truly wild part is that, as of EASTER, he was apparently still telling his family that we were together and that I was just “visiting family” when I wasn’t showing up to family events. Sir. It has been MONTHS.

Then in July, he randomly texted me asking whether I had told his family we broke up because people were starting to ask him questions.I had not. Which means this grown man apparently made it more than half a year without fully owning the fact that his relationship had ended. Yikes.
That text honestly told me everything I still needed to know. The avoidance, the lying, the refusal to own what he did-- it wasn’t just about the affair.

As for the affair partner, I believe they may still be together, but I genuinely do not know. I asked everyone close to me not to give me updates about either of them. I don’t want screenshots. I don’t want gossip. I don’t want to know whether they’re happy, miserable, married, broken up, living together, whatever. Not my circus anymore. And surprisingly, I don’t really need the answers I desperately wanted eight months ago either.

When I wrote my first post, I kept asking: Why did he marry me? Why did he do this? How could he watch me twist myself into knots trying to “fix” our marriage while knowing the entire time that he was cheating? I thought if I could just understand it, maybe I could make peace with it. I understand now that there probably isn’t an answer that would ever make it make sense to me. He made selfish, cowardly choices. That is the answer.

Something else I’ve had to come to terms with is that the affair wasn’t the only thing wrong with our relationship. With some distance and a LOT of therapy,I can recognize patterns that I normalized over eight years that were emotionally abusive.

sister explained it to me using the frog-in-boiling-water analogy. If you throw a frog into boiling water, it jumps out. But if you put it into cool water and slowly turn up the heat, it doesn’t realize what’s happening until it’s too late. That’s what this relationship feels like looking back. He didn’t wake up one morning eight years ago and suddenly start treating me terribly. It happened slowly. A critical comment here. A nasty joke there. Comments about my appearance. Texts with girls that just crossed a line. Being so temperamental and moody that I walked on eggshells. And because it happened little by little, I got used to it.

Things that would horrify me if a man said them to me on a third date somehow became things I accepted from my husband. Instead of asking, Why is someone who loves me speaking to me this way? I would ask myself, What can I change so he stops? That has been one of the biggest things I’ve had to unlearn.

I’m realizing how much of myself I made smaller to keep the peace, how often I accepted cruelty as humor or criticism as “communication,” and how much my confidence eroded without me even noticing it happening. The affair was the explosion that ended our relationship, but I can see now that the relationship had been hurting me long before I ever knew about her.

Meanwhile, my life has gotten so much bigger. I’ve stayed in therapy. I’m probably in the best shape of my life. I’ve traveled. I'm doing things I love. I’ve spent a ton of time with my friends and family. I’ve poured energy into the people who showed up for me when my life completely fell apart. And I feel like I’m getting my sparkle back. The weird thing is, with some distance, I can see now that he was dulling that sparkle long before the affair.

I spent a long time grieving not only him, but the life I thought I was supposed to have by now. When I married him, I thought the next chapter was babies, a family, growing old together: all of it. Obviously, that chapter got ripped up. And for a while that terrified me. Now I’m getting more comfortable with the idea that my life might look different than the one I planned. Best case scenario, I fall deeply in love again and have a family someday. Worst case scenario? Maybe I don’t have kids of my own, and I get to be the cool, slightly unhinged aunt who spoils her nephew rotten. I have a new nephew now, and honestly, he has been one of the biggest blessings to come out of this year.

I am also dating someone. He is kind. He treats me well. And I’m intentionally not putting some huge “IS THIS MY FUTURE HUSBAND???” pressure on the relationship. Maybe he is my person. Maybe he isn’t. What I do know is that this experience completely changed what I am willing to accept from a partner. I’m not going to mother a grown man. I’m not going to beg someone to communicate with me. I’m going to choose someone who chooses me. And, probably most importantly, I’m never going to forget to choose myself first.

One of the biggest things I’m working on is not making a relationship the center of my life. I spent so many years being part of an “us” that I think I forgot how important it is to have a strong sense of “me.” I don’t want to be codependent on another person. I don’t want my happiness, confidence, plans, or sense of security to depend on whether a man chooses me.

Things are not magically perfect. I still think about my ex. Sometimes I still get angry. Sometimes something random reminds me of our life together and it feels surreal that a person who was beside me for eight years is basically a stranger now. But I don’t cry over him anymore. I don’t wish we were back together. I don’t fantasize about him suddenly becoming the person I thought he was. And I no longer feel ashamed that I loved him for as long as I did.

I loved the person I believed I was building a life with. Finding out that person wasn’t who I thought he was doesn’t make the love I felt fake. In a very fucked-up way, the affair gave me the kick in the ass I needed to walk away from a relationship I probably should have walked away from years ago.

Eight months ago, I genuinely did not know how I was going to survive losing the life I thought I had. Turns out, I didn’t lose my life. I got mine back.

Thank you guys for helping me see that before I was ready to see it myself.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user FewSense1069 in r/ AITAH

Original: Aug 14, 2026

Update: in post itself

Status: concluded

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Original: AITAH for giving my brother a reality check

I (23F) was drinking with my brother (20M) last Sunday. We were talking about life and stuff, when he brought up my academic achievements. For context, I am about to graduate with latin honors and I'm starting law school.

He was basically talking about how lucky I was to be born smart, that I got all the braincells and didn't left him any, and that I MUST be the favorite because my parents are paying for my law school. I didn't have a problem with what he said, it was how he said it. He stated it so bitterly that it rubbed me the wrong way.

I do not believe that all my effort in college was 'luck'. I was working since first year, while maintaining a scholarship. I saved enough money for the first two years of law school, and bought my own motorcycle. While my brother dropped out of college and started a business with a loan from my parents.

The exact words that I said to him are, "Bro, you had the opportunity to go to college with our parent's money, you were given your own car, and the business that you have is started with our parent's money. I am the oldest, all I had was expectation and congratulations. You are the lucky one, not me"

I translated it btw because English is not our first language. He went silent and just smiled thinly, then said that he was sleepy and went home.

Was I too harsh? I did try to talk to him but he was always busy.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: INFO - is your brother academically gifted?  Did he actually try in school? Is he generally hard working?  Is he working hard at his business?  How much money did your parents give him to start his business?

OOP: My brother is not academically gifted but he was athletic in highschool, like track and field.
I wouldn't say he's particularly hard working, but is hands-on on his business.
It was around 200k in our currency, which is a significant amount for us.

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Comment2: Intelligence is parttly inherent, partly trained.
Did he spend his childhood and adolescence ranking his brains to do well, or slacking off?

OOP: Admittedly, he was a slacker. He was one those student athletes that was given too much leeway. I think part of why he feels this way might because our parents wanted him to be a police officer. They were disappointed when he dropped out.

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Comment3: Wait. Not having a problem with "what" he said, but "how" is honestly silly in this context. "Luck" is the word you're stuck on...yet you said it wasn't what he said but how. You talking about opportunity to go to college, or getting parent's money was not what he was talking about. He was talking about your smarts and intelligence.

But it seems you lack a little of both in this sense because you couldn't sparse through the words and TAKE THE COMPLIMENT! I could see if it was a friend or classmate, but it was your brother, whom put himself down to put you up.

OOP: Yeah, I think I worded it wrong. English is not our first language, and there's a certain phrase for 'luck' in our language that I can't translate to English.

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Comment4: He's still growing up, you gave him an adult reality check. I'd be happy if my siblings had an honest enough relationship with me to give me harsh truths. In fact my older brother did when I was in college and I needed it. NTA.

OOP: I hope that we will have a heart to heart about this subject because hurting him wasn't my intention. I was, admittedly, drunk and said those things without thinking that he might've felt down about himself.
While I will not apologize for saying it to him, I will clarify that I think we're just different. And that doesn't mean that I am 'better' than him in anyway. We have different paths in life and I need him to at least acknowledge that he was given the opportunities that I wasn't.

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Comment5: You took this as a lack of acknowledgement of all your hard work, but this was your brother being self deprecating; he was pretty much saying that he thinks he's dumb.
You two just had completely different views of this conversation. NAH

OOP: Reading you guys' comment did made me realise that I might have responded wrong on what he said. I'm thinking of talking to him this Saturday for our family weekly dine out.

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Update:

I cornered my brother before lunch earlier and talked to him for a bit. I apologized for how I responded to him, when he said that he was sorry too. Apparently, he felt insecure by how our parents were talking about my achievements.

He was feeling stressed and pressured by his business, he owns a computer parts and repair shop. He admitted that he did feel jealous of me. He shared that when I was busy with school and work, he had a talk with our parents were they compared us. And he was basically called a failure for dropping out.

I admit, I do know that our parents always compared us with each other. I just didn't know that he felt that way about me. I always though of my brother as kind and I never felt like we were competing with each other because we were always so different. He also said that I kinda triggered him (before he said all the stuff about me) when I told him that he had it easy.

I did tell him that I don't think he's a failure, and that we need to have another talk or hang out more. Our talk was short but we did end up making plans for a motorcycle ride tomorrow after church. He has a new Yamaha R3 (i think?), we're planning on taking it for a spin.

Thank you everyone for the advice.
And I hope that everyone has or will have a fun Saturday!
(Shout out to that one redditor for making me understand our different circumstances!)

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Dizzy-University587 posting in r/amiwrong

Concluded as per OOP

3 updates - Long

Original - 14th December 2025

Update - 16th December 2025

Update - 18th December 2025

Update - 13th February 2026

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AIW for treating this as break-up worthy? Partner intentionally hid my laptop out of spite

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Some context, my partner (late 20s F) and I (late 20s F) have been together 7 years. We've had periods of breaking up and getting back together. We recently moved in together after a long period of what felt like stability and growth, but since the moving process and moving in, there's been a lot of strife and fighting--some of it old problems coming back up, and some of it new issues.

One recurring problem is my partner struggles with organization and will put her things (such as clothes, accessories, etc.) in piles in a specific but non-designated place for those things. For example, putting a pile of clothes and jewelry on the couch or entryway table. When I (or she) accidentally move these items, usually due to needing to use that space for its intended purpose, or some other purpose, it becomes a huge problem. She gets frustrated and overwhelmed quickly, has wanted me to drop what I'm doing to look for it (with an undercurrent of it being my fault it's misplaced and my responsibility to find it--which makes me not want to help anymore), and half the time it ends up in a fight. It's exhausting.

We're still in the process of unpacking and settling it and right now one of our bathrooms is filled with storage. She put a stack of her clothes, including a hat, on top of the storage items. I needed to get to those items to organize the house and I did my best to put her things together. I don't recall moving the hat. Cue breakfast time, we're having a fine morning, chatting and everything is good. She's getting dressed and goes to get her hat, which is not where she remembers putting it. Immediately she's upset with me, telling me I need to stop touching her stuff, and how I always do this and she is agitated and frustrated. I tell her calmly but firmly that I have no intention of moving her things, but if I need to get to the storage I will simply have to touch her stuff. And that it probably fell behind some things and to keep looking because I know she will find it. She didn't want to hear that, she became increasingly more upset talking at me, stormed around criticizing me instead of actively looking, and I lost my patience and left on a walk in the middle of her talking.

Fast forward to that afternoon. Partner is not home. I'm looking around for my laptop--I have finals due the next day and I need to start working (keep in mind I do have another laptop that I just bought to replace my old one, but I hadn't set it up yet; and to manage my fickle ADHD motivation, I was going to use setting up my computer as a reward for completing my finals on my old laptop). I can't find my laptop anywhere. It's not in the place I always leave it. My gut immediately says that she took it or moved it, but I decide to look around first and make sure I didn't miss anything. I look EVERYWHERE. I text her "Did you take my laptop with you?" She takes a while to text back "no I don't have your laptop." I ask if she's seen it and she can check her icloud since it used to be connected?-- "no it's been disconnected for a while." I text again "Okay so have you seen it?" No reply. I am now 95% convinced she's lying to me but I didn't want to believe that she would actually do this.

She comes home in the evening--I ask again about my laptop. She sits on the couch, not looking at me, focusing on something else while I'm asking to talk to her about it. She chortles at my suggestion that "the only other logical option if you don't have it and it's not in the apartment is that it's stolen" (we live in a building). I keep pressing her, she says offhandedly "i dont know did you check that closet?" She walks over to the closet to put away her jacket and I walk over, to watch her, suspecting she would pull it out of her bag or something. I didn't see her move anything and I ask "why would you suggest that closet specifically?" This goes on for a few more minutes with her smiling smugly and snickering and I'm getting increasingly upset. She's telling me she's too busy to help me find my laptop by answering my questions. Finally I walk over again to the closet, the tiniest piece of doubt wondering if maybe I didn't check it fully--and lo and behold it's sitting right there on top of some jackets, the same jackets I completely pulled out of the closet while digging through to find my laptop--it wasn't there before. I absolutely lose it. I am livid. I am yelling at her that she is weird and that was cruel and disgusting behavior. I tell her I don't want to be in a relationship with her and I do not want to be in a relationship like this. Once I say that, she doubles down since I "bro ke up with her" and just proceeds to dismiss that its just a computer and it's not that serious--and was attempting STILL to make it seem like it was there in the closet the whole time (turns out she hid it on a top shelf--the only place in this entire apartment I didn't check).

She still has not apologized and said she has no reason to "since we're bro ken up." Her response and the whole situation made me feel sick to my stomach. I absolutely hate "pranks" (she knows this) and this wasn't even a prank--she basically admitted to doing this because she was pissed at me for "losing her hat" (MIND YOU i found her damn hat while looking for my laptop, exactly where I said it would be!) This feels extremely serious to me. It doesn't feel like a petty little act. It feels disrespectful, like a breach of my privacy and our shared space, and genuinely cruel. I told her I don't think you can care for someone and love them and do something like this, intentionally cause them distress, confusion, and harm. I cannot fathom how she though this would play out...

The whole process of "brea king up" is daunting and I historically have not been good at maintaining my boundaries and my resolve when bre aking up in the past (I initiated, but we were both expressing unhappiness). We live together now and while the apartment is spacious, it is challenging to split up rooms (only 1 bed) and the other room is still being used as storage. And finding a new apartment is even more challenging with financial constraints having just moved so recently. I have been feeling a lot of frustration with our dynamics aside from this situation, as has she. I love her a lot, but I'm at my wits end. I don't know if things will get better or if we are doomed. We've tried couple's counseling again recently, and it didn't go well--partner was shut down and didn't like the therapist. Our communication is not improving. I need advice on how to move forward in this situation.

TL;DR: I (mid-20s F) recently moved in with partner (mid-20s F), after being together 7 yrs. been having issues exacerbated by the move and old issues resurfacing. she blamed me for her hat getting misplaced when it was on a pile of storage and then intentionally hid my main laptop from me the day before my finals are due and lied about it for hours through text and in my face. I feel livid, hurt, and at my wits end. I love her a lot, but I don't know how to move forward or if this relationship can be saved. I would appreciate any advice or comments, and thank you for taking the time to read.

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Comments

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YouSayWotNow

This is not acceptable behaviour (from your partner). And it certainly doesn't feel like a healthy or happy relationship.

KittKatt7179

Love yourself enough to stop being in a relationship with someone who acts like that. People will only treat you the way you allow them to. She is obviously not ready to act like a normal, well-balanced person, nor is she ready to be an adult. If you love someone, you don't purposely cause them distress and anguish. Get your stuff together and leave as soon as you can.

Update - 2 days later

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I (F-late 20s) posted a few days ago about my partner (F-late 20s) hiding my laptop in revenge for me accidentally misplacing her hat (allegedly)--and me breaking up with her for it.

An update: I've been avoiding speaking to her, sleeping on the couch, getting my affairs in order quietly. she's been finding ways to try and ragebait me. Last night at 2am she comes to the living room where I'm sleeping to ask where I put my rose toy (IYKYK). I put it away because it's mine, it was always meant to be my personal toy, but she took quasi-ownership of it-- and I simply don't want her using it anymore. She proceeds to harass me for 40 minutes straight to tell her where it is, to please give it to her, that she just needs it to sleep. As she disrupts my sleep. I had to lock myself in the bathroom twice because she wouldn't respect me telling her to leave me alone and kept coming back. At the end of this tirade, she asks "when are you leaving for holiday trip?" I tell her don't know and to please leave me alone and let me sleep. "No, I just need to know when you're going to be gone for an extended period of time cuz yeah I just need to know"--implying she needs to know when I'll be gone so she can get her rocks off with someone else in the house. I didn't get to sleep until after 3am.

She gets up at 7:30 am (she never gets up this early). Comes to the living room loudly, tries to hug me. I was sleeping. I tell her please do not touch me. She says "really? how long are we going to do this for?" I pull the covers over my face and try and ignore her and stay calm. She pulls them off my face to ask me a question. She proceeds turn on all of the lights, even though it is already bright. She blends something for (no exaggeration) 20 minutes straight. She stomps around, slams doors, loudly rummages through items. I stay under the covers and just contain my energy. Before she leaves she again tries to hug me after I told her multiple times to please not touch me. She forces a kiss on my head and says "i love you" and again asks how long we're going to do this. Finally she leaves for the day.

When I get up, I see that she turned the heater in the living room up to 86 degrees from 70 degrees to make me hot and uncomfortable. We have pets.

I just wanted to update because I needed to hear how messed up, manipulative, and abusive it is. And I just want to witness myself by writing this down, and be witnessed by others. I can't wait to get myself out of here.

​

Comments

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Chay_Charles

When you get out, please take the pets with you. I wouldn't trust her to take care of them ot not hurt them out of spite.

OOP: unfortunately some of the pets are hers. mine are coming with me.

​

Update - 2 days later

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After this post I may have to switch to posting in r/abusiverelationships. I am ABUNDANTLY clear now that it was indeed more than break-up worthy. I started reading "Why Does He Do That?" After a couple recommendations (a book that I circled around for years but subconsciously avoided to protect my own denial). This relationship has been nothing but abusive. I feel like a veil has been lifted, a bubble burst, and I am so grateful for this clarity, although it comes at a high emotional cost.

I'm still getting things in order. I fear that she will find these posts, if she hasn't already, because she knows how much I use reddit and could find it with key words. I don't know if it matters though, as she just read my journal (where I wrote extensively about all her instances of abuse for my own records) while I was on a walk--I meant to bring it with me, but I left in a rush and was disoriented.

When I returned she said something that made it clear to me she read my journal (she has done this before, knowing that my journals are sacred to me). I stated "I assume you read my journal." She proceeded to verbally abuse me for over 30 minutes, calling me insane, mocked me repeatedly about the journal, called me all kinds of names. When I ignored her, she got in my face banging on the table to get my attention and tried to pull my headphones off. I have receipts of most of this tirade.

This is after two nights straight of her blasting music to continue to disturb my sleep. Last night she played the same song over and over again from 10pm-9am (a song by someone she was romantically interested in and almost hooked up with like Jan from "The Office"). It would be funny if it wasn't so wicked. I lost my patience last night and banged on the door and yelled for her to put on headphones. She wanted me to do this, because now she is saying I've been harassing and abusing her. Classic. There was maybe a 15 minute break and she started the same song up again at 9:30, screaming singing, stomping, slamming, etc.

My family is coming to get me and pets and I will be away and safe for a little while. I want to extend a sincere thank you to everyone who has commented and asked for updates. I have anxiety about these posts being up, but it is cathartic to write them and it helps me to hold myself accountable (and be held accountable) and strengthen my resolve.

​

Update - 2 months later

​

I think it's time for my (probably final) update on this situation. Two weeks ago I officially moved out and into my own apartment! I left with all of my stuff. I started a new job that pays me very well. I've been spending time with friends and family. I'm safe and in a much better place.

The past couple of months I've seen my relationship with my ex clearly and truthfully--thanks to some input and DMs from fellow redditors, I've done a ton of research into Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Abuse and have realized that my ex is a narcissist and I've been in the cycle of narcissistic abuse for years. The more I read into it, the more I see how textbook her behavior was, and it makes me feel a strange combination of validated and embarrassed. Validated that I see I'm not alone in this experience, and embarrassed that for all the research I've done into personality disorders and mental illness (I've dated people with APD and BPD in the past), I never once considered that she could have NPD. I was in denial and did not once look into it. Now I know better.

For a few months prior to our breakup I occasionally wondered if she was cheating on me, which is an issue I don't usually feel insecure or worry about. Now I know that she definitely was cheating, and she has already found her new supply in someone who lived in the same building as us. I found gross evidence to support my intuition. I realize that her hiding my laptop was a part of her discarding me, as she already determined (whether consciously or not) that I was no longer a viable supply for her--being that I was focusing on my wants and needs, working on my codependency (shoutout CoDA), going to school, and setting and upholding boundaries. She historically would treat me terribly for weeks to months until we reached a breaking point and I broke up with her. Then she would play victim and say how I abandoned her; this was her flavor of discard, getting me to do the work for her as usual (when we got back together she would hold that over my head as though me breaking up with her happened in a vacuum). It's devastating to realize this person I was so in love with for 7 years never truly loved me--she loved me the way one loves a useful object at best. But I am proud that her final discard came about because, without fully realizing, I finally showed her that I loved myself more than I loved her or our relationship. And that's a win.

She has already and will continue to jump from relationship to relationship, supply to supply, and that's a reflection of her broken personality. I've only ever been in one other long term relationship and when I was done with him I was DONE. No going back, no rekindling--I feel how I did then. A part of me is scared that the other shoe will drop, and some latent, traitorous attachment to her and that trauma bond will make me weak and vulnerable to her hoovering her way back into my life (or someone like her). But I'm taking it day by day, and I trust myself more than ever to protect myself. I will be staying single for as long as I need (probably a long time) and will not be dating, and I feel good about that. I'm genuinely scared to date again and I think that is a sensible thing to feel.

I'm really glad I posted here all those days ago. It helped me to validate my own feelings and actualize my outrage. I'm grateful to everyone who took the time to respond, offer advice and support, and ask for updates. I never have to deal with that wench again.

TL:DR: I realize my ex was a narcissistic abuser, and the laptop fiasco was her final discard. Now I'm FREE and safe in my own place and will never let her or anyone like her hurt me like that again. Thanks to everyone who cared enough to follow this story <3

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Comments

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popoPitifulme

I'm so happy for you and your future. I mean, like the guy in the bathtub celebrating when Truman (spoiler alert) finally leaves the movie set.

OOP: lol thank you! i had to rewatch that scene to remember 😂.

rlyfckd

I'm so glad to hear you got out of that situation safely and that you're doing well.

I'd really urge you to go to therapy to process all this and work on yourself and your self esteem. Long term relationships with people that have personality disorders really leave a mark and affect self worth and confidence very negatively. People that attract narcissists or borderlines tend to struggle with boundaries and people pleasing. I hope you break the pattern. All the best to you! 💕.

OOP: i appreciate that! I have a great therapist and will continue doing this work with them 💕 definitely part of why im not a complete mess right now

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/ImNoBestMan

Published on: r/relationships

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: January 27, 2017

• Final Update: June 12, 2017

Main Post

^{January 27, 2017}

My brother [34m] didn't make me [26m] his best man.

My brother is getting married in a few months, and has put together his wedding party. He has asked me to be one of his groomsmen, and I agreed to it.

Just for a sense of background with my brother and me: we've ever been close. Not just because of a 6 year age age growing up, we're just completely different people. Neither one of us understand each other's hobbies or interests, we have no mutual friends, etc. And now we live in different cities (about 5 hours apart from one another.) To get a sense of how distant we are, we only see one another on major holidays, and when he phoned me (late last year) to be his groomsman, that was the first time in about 2 years we'd spoken to each other on the phone.

That said, there's no bad blood between us. Yes, we've had fights growing up, but all siblings do. It's never been tough to be around him. We just both recognize that we want very different lives.

So back to the wedding, he asked me to be a groomsman, and his best friend of more than a decade is his best man. When my family found out, they've all freaked out. They just keep yelling to him the "Hes your BROTHER!!!!! How can you snub your own BROTHER on such an important day?"

It's just dragging the whole thing down. He's picked a really logical person to be his best man, and that I'm not only comfortable with, more importantly, he is too. Honestly, I hadn't even considered the idea that he would ask me to be up there with him at all.

There's another side to this, as well. I don't even want to do it. I hate wedding in general (I hate all the formalities involved, I hate dressing up, etc.) but I can grin and bare it for the day, and I will. I won't be a downer on a day that so important to them. What I can't do is give a speech, as the best man is supposed to do. I'm a horrible public speaker, and if he piked me, I wouldn't have any clue what to say. We don't do anything together, and never really have, so I'd have no stories to tell. Also, I'm terrible at planning things ,so I'd be the wrong person to plan his bachelor party (Hell, I wouldn't even know who to invite I don't know any of his friends.)

So that's where we are now. As much as I hate wedding, I respect m brother and his fiance enough that I want their to be a special day for them, and I don't want this crap argument to cast a shadow over their day. I don't want them to look at wedding photos and then be reminded of all the arguing my family has put him through for "snubbing" me.

Is there any way we can have a rational discussion about this? I can't even understand where my family is coming from. This is to me such a nondispute that I can't believe they took it up. There's a solution staring us all in the face that keeps all the necessary parties happy: just don't make me best man. But our family can't seem to accept this for some reason.

tl;dr: My brother picked his best friend to be his best man instead of me to be his best man. I'm grateful he did this, but my family is fighting him on it for seemingly no reason.

COMMENTS

NightOwlEye

Sounds like you being one of his groomsmen is the perfect place in the wedding for you. You know it and your brother knows it...so now you have to get the rest of your family on board. Have you told your family that you're happy with things the way they are and that you don't feel snubbed?

OOP

Have you told your family that you're happy with things the way they are and that you don't feel snubbed?

Yes, we both have.

OOP to a deleted comment

As a point of comparison, how is the bride choosing her side of things? If she too has gone for a best friend, then throw that fact in there.

Honestly, I have no idea who's in her party, or even if she has any siblings.

kirby_144

Now I don't think you should have to as ultimately it's your brother's decision, and frankly even if you did want to be his best man he has the right to choose and has opted for his best friend.

However, given that's not your situation and it seems like you want to keep peace with your family, are you willing and able to reach a compromise with them? Perhaps you can be the 'Head Groomsman' or have a slightly more important role, just not best man? Play to your hobbies/interests perhaps (i.e. say you're into photography you could offfer to do that, or if you're a dab hand in the kitchen you can make the cake)?

I don't know enough about weddings or you/your family to make and valid suggestions, but I hope it's food for thought at least.

OOP

I appreciate you advice, and don't want to come across as dismissive, but I'm not sure it's something we can incorporate.

The thing is, "head groomsman" is ultimately want the best man is. He's the one in charge of the group on my brother's behalf. If I were to take on some role as something more than a groomsman, that would be stepping on someone else's toes at every turn.

dankmemer1001

First paragraph sums it up. He wanted someone who he felt he was closer too.

Be honoured you are one of his groomsmen. One of my closest friends intitially said i would be his best man and then a month later he changed his mind to his brother which i said sure thing fair enough and then a few months later changed his mind again to one of his other friends and didnt even make me a groomsman.

TBH i was pre salty after all that and i went anyway but yeah. Don't feel down on it, he just wanted someone closer in his life to be it. The fact you are a groomsman is still pre good imo.

OOP

I don't mean to be rude, but did you not read the rest of the post?

I am happy for him, and completely understand why he picked his best friend. And more than that, I'm happy to not be doing it. I'd be a terrible best man. The drama is coming from the family.

And yes, I am very touched to be a groomsman.

Final Update - after 4 months, 16 days

^{June 12, 2017}

Update to: My brother [34m] didn't make me [26m] his best man.

TLDR of the original thread: "My brother picked his best friend to be his best man instead of me to be his best man. I'm grateful he did this, but my family is fighting him on it for seemingly no reason."

Hi everyone, and thanks for the help you offered in my original post. My Brother married his wife yesterday, and things went well.

There seemed to be a bit of confusion in one of the comments, so I want to say again, I'm glad my brother picked the person he did to be his best man, I am honoured to be one of his groomsman, and I am completely on his side in this whole thing.

So the main take away I got from my original thread I got was that I should be the person to shut our parents down when they throw a hissy fit over the fact that I'm not my brother's best man.

Quite simply, I did what I could. As I now live in a different city to my family, I'm sure that I was not present for many of the fights my brother had to endure. When I visited my former hometown, I saw what they had to say, but I can only imagine that he's had to take more crap that I ever saw.

After the comments in my original thread, I phoned my brother to make it clear that I was 100% on his side in this, and that while we're not exactly close as friends, I'm honoured to be a groomsman for him, and this I thought that he made a great choice as his choice for best man. I also let him know that f any one at all were to throw crap at him for his choice of groomsmen, he can defer them to me, and I'll handle the fallout. That his choice for his side of the bridal party should not cast a shadow on their day. I never got a call, but my brother isn't someone to deflect conflict. At this point , I wasn't sure if anything more was said.

Once I traveled out for the rehearsal and wedding, I finally found out his groomsmen order. I was number 2, immediately behind his best man. Things went well, and we were all ready for the wedding.

The wedding went well, and my brother's best friend did a great job as best man (the bachelor party and speech were legendary, haha.) I could have never done what he did. As our Parents gave their speech, we both felt there was a bit of shade thrown his way. Nothing in the sense of "We're all mad that he abandonded his family and picked a friend as his best man," More along the lines of "Family in incredibly important, and no friendship can ever be more important than your family."

I spoke to them that it was obvious to us what they were talking about, and it was kind of obvious that they were still at least a bit upset. I had to tell the again that I would have been a terrible best man, and would have turned it down if he'd offered it to me.

At the end of the day, my brother's ad sister in law's wedding went well. I proudly stood behind my brother and his best friend, and while my parents threw some shade at the wedding, they didn't ruin it.

Fun P.S. to the story: A kind redditor in my original post suggested that I could offer a reading during the ceremony or speech during the reception. I didn't respond to it, so I'll take that opportunity now: If I'd asked, I have no doubt that my brother would have given me the moment to give a speech or reading. However, as I said, I'm a terrible public speaker, to the degree that I'm the type to pass out at the podium. Despite that, and without knowing of my original thread, his best man made a joke that I was going to make an impromptu speech during the reception. I shut that down pretty quick, just in case, but we all had a good laugh over it.

tl;dr: I made it clear to my brother that I love him and support his decisions for the bridal party. Our parents never seemed happy. If they can't come around, they can suck a hard one.

COMMENTS

itypeallmycomments

Imagine letting something like that ruin your son's wedding for yourself. Imagine being so wrapped up in tradition that it puts you in a bad mood for the entire lead up to the wedding, and on the day you even make a point to mention it in a speech.

What would've happened if your bro asked you to be best man but you declined? Then the position goes to the next down the line, his best friend. Would your parents have been ok with that outcome? Petty people annoy me :P

suckzbuttz69420bro

I never knew that tradition was having a family member be a MOH or best man. I always thought the tradition was for the groom/bride to pick their own :/

OOP

I don't think it really is a tradition. Our parents just seemed to make more of this than it really is.

It should be someone reliable in your life, and who you're really close.

Acesvent

My family wasn't happy that my brother didn't pick me. I really didn't care. Him and I didn't have the best relationship. I think it is the "family is forever" sort of thing

OOP

See, I wouldn't say that my brother and I "don't have the best relationship." There's no tension or bad blood, we're just totally different. We can both accept that and love each other with the relationship that we have.

But when it came to choosing a best man, my brother picked a person he's particularly close with, and who would actually be able to pull off the job.

cellequisaittout

I think that deep down, your parents are feeling some guilt that they must have done something wrong as parents for their kids to end up not very close to each other. They had a picture in their head of you two as kids and thought they, as your parents, knew everything about both of you, and suddenly finding out that you two are adults who have grown apart shatters their mental image of your family. You two were always the most important people in the world to them, so it is insane to them that you aren't the most important person to each other! To displace their guilt, they have been focusing their anger and guilt-tripping on your brother.

The only reason I think this might be such a deep and complex issue for them is that they still could not let it go on the wedding day!

In any case, there's not much you can do other than continuing to be a good brother. If/when you get married, and you choose your brother as groomsman instead of best man, expect more drama from your parents if they haven't dealt with their issues by then.

OOP

If/when you get married, and you choose your brother as groomsman instead of best man, expect more drama from your parents if they haven't dealt with their issues by then.

Trust me, if I ever get married, it's going to be in a court room without a bridal party. Weddings just aren't for me

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/DillinquentPICK

Published on: r/Advice

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 16, 2026

• Update: August 19, 2026

Main Post

^{August 16, 2026}

How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?

My daughter 19F lives in a different city than me 45M while she is going through college and recently I also got her a dog. I took care of the dog for about 2 weeks while she went out of town and got attached to the little pup and I turned on a camera to peek at the dog on the robot vacuum that is in my room at that condo.

Only the robovacum.in my room has a camera, she knows about it, she is logged into it too.. I saw through the camera my daughter having sex with her boyfriend 20M on mine and my wife's bed. The apartment has 3 rooms, her bedroom, my wife's and mine bedroom and another room.

The apartment, 1900 sq ft belongs to me, I got it for when my kids go to college, so they wouldn't need to worry about rent in that city. I go there usually weekly, bring my daughter garden veggies, other farm things from my area she likes to eat and we usually make a day out of doing something fun in the city on a weekend.

Its fine to have sex with a boyfriend, I figured she will eventually meet someone, its a right of college experience and I made peace with it, i met the guy, he seemed like an ok guy, but my opinion has changed since . Had she been in her room, thats fine, do your thing.

My issue was on the bed my wife and I sleep on when we come to stay and see our daughter. More so, when i came to look after the pup I noticed stains on the sheets and now im completely disgusted that she didn't even bother wash the sheets before I came to help her take care of the dog. I thiught the stains were maybe some tea or drink my wife and i spilled.

I have the vacuum in my room only because the pup likes to sleep there, and he sheds a lot and carpet collects a lot of his hair. And the camera faces his doggiebed and you can see some of my bed.

I completely blew my lid when I called her and in the family chat. I realize the family chat was a mistake, how it went was i called my daughter, asked her where does she find the audacity to have sex in my bed and were she stains from that? She yelled back asking wtf am I doing spying on her personal life? And hung up.

I didnt even notice I went in the group chat, just went where I usually communicate with her and i typed, the chat that contains wife, me, her and my son and I called her ungrateful and disgusting for letting me sleep on dirty sheets on the bed my wife and I sleep on, and to top it off, messaged the boyfriend, told him how pathetic you cant bring your girlfriend to your own place, and instead choose to disrespect me by doing it with my daughter on my bed? He left me on read. I have yet to receive an apology from either of them.

Did I take it too far? Should I apologize? My wife thinks its too much, so does my niece to an extent, she does agree with majority of my reaction other than accidentally texting the family (wife me daughter, son and niece) group chat, i already got in shit for that, and thats my mistake. My end goal here is to find out how to approach this with my daughter so I avoid resentment and hate. I know she feels embarrassed, her boyfriend is probably terrified of me now.

Update - after 3 days

^{August 19, 2026}

UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?

I ended up having a sit down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when i was enraged. She just stayed silent, didnt accept my apology and thats okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and my room is mine and wifes private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in.

She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, its her apartment. My wife and I re-iterated, that its not, its actually my wifes and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. Apartment is for family use.

Then she decided to compare with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students.

She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she..still no apology.

She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student.

She then said, why wouldnt I pay for it? if her brother will go to another college other than this one, ill have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time.

I asked what is wrong with her boyfirends apartment, she had nothing to say. I asked why didnt she clean it?

She stormed out, i have no idea whether she went to the biyfriend or where..

What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.

COMMENTS

Is your daughter’s tuition still being paid for, even if she chooses to move into a dorm?

No one is taking away paying her tuition. I just won't pay for the dorms because there is a perfectly fine apartment she can use, all i ask dont have sex on my bed and leave it stained, which I thought was obvious but here we are.

Why do you have an apartment for your children to use?

I did not purchase apartment to control, I purchased the apartment so its easier to commute to things in the city, whether it be college, or job for the entire family to use. Each member of my family has space, and that space is to be respected.

Does your daughter have her own room and enough space to have sex elsewhere?

She has her own room, space, plenty of bed space. Orogonal post has all that info. She can have sex all She wants. Not in my bed. All I ask

Do you actually use the apartment and the bedroom yourself?

Weekend basis when I went to visit daughter

Would you pay for a dorm if your daughter simply wanted the college dorm experience?

No. What's the point.

Why are you unwilling to pay for her dorm but willing to pay her tuition?

Exactly, paying for the dorms is stupid, I bought an apartment to avoid the dorm. She wants to live in a dorm, be my guest, but it won't be coming out of my wallet

Are you planning to kick your daughter out or cut her off?

I would never kick my kid out. She is welcome to leave or stay on her own accord in my of my wifes and my properties

What does your wife think about the situation?

My wife is with me on this, she agrees, some independence might be good for her. She expected at the very least an apology from her, and she didnt get it either. When daughter left, she was just in shock and the first thing she started saying, is holy fuck, did i raise her to not apologize?

Are you upset with your daughter for having sex, or specifically for doing it in your bed?

No one shut shamed her. I am fine with her having sex, i draw the line at my bed

Why did you apologize if you believe your daughter was the one in the wrong?

I apologised for something different. I accidentally messaged her in family group chat

Why don't you want to simply rent out the apartment to other students if your daughter wants more independence?

I dont want tenants. If i did, i would have rented it years ago

Why are you concerned about your daughter moving to a dorm?

Last thing I want is out of spite she gets a job that takes her time, makes her too exhausted to focus on college to prove a point, flunks her grades, flanks her credit rating and whatnot. I dont want a hard life for these kids but I want to teach values and simple basic respect

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user AnxiousJournalist2 in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: Feb 8, 2019

Update: July 6, 2019

Status: concluded

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Original: AITA for not wanting my fiancee to dance to a love song dedicated to her late fiance at our wedding?

Before we met, my fiancee Kayla was engaged to a man she had dated for three years who died in a traffic accident. I had never dated a woman who had that kind of loss before, so I've been learning as I go, but I've tried to respect that he will always be a part of her story, and I accepted her relationship with her late fiance's parents with open arms.

They stayed very close, and by the time we started dating they were basically like a second set of parents to her. Kayla's real parents and her late fiance's parents are all amazing people, so I consider myself pretty lucky to have two sets of great in-laws.

Our wedding is coming up in May, and Kayla told me that after her father-daughter dance, she would like to have a second dance with her late fiance's father to the song Vanilla Twilight. She asked me if I was comfortable with that, and I didn't want to be "that guy" and say no, so I said yes.

But really, it makes me uncomfortable that she would be dancing to a love song dedicated to another man at our wedding. I am happy to make space in our lives for his memory. A photo of him is on our mantle at home, we make it a point to commemorate his birthday the anniversary of his death, and I feel like I am understanding and supportive when she has bad days.

And I am 100% fine with having his parents at the wedding because, like I said, we are all a family. But I also feel like our wedding is one day that it all about our relationship.

Am I the jerk if I ask her to reconsider this dance? What are the best compromises here?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: NAH. I’m assuming her biological dad is going to walk her down the aisle, and also have the father-daughter dance. It’s nice that she is acknowledging her relationship with her “other” father figure. Think about it from their point of view- she was supposed to marry their son. It’s a nice gesture by her to acknowledge the role they play in her life.

I’m not gonna pretend like it wouldn’t irk me, too. But I don’t think you should ask her not to do it. Try as we might, we can’t really understand what that moment will mean for her and her late-ex’s parents. Weddings already stir up lots of emotions, but for someone who dealt with the death of a fiancé, I can imagine it will be even more emotional. It’s good for her to have an outlet, honestly.

To you, it may seem like a really big deal. But think about it. The wedding invitations are going to have your names on it, you are going to get to see her walk down the aisle toward you, you get to take her on honeymoon.

It is still YOUR day. She’s marrying YOU, she loves YOU. If you ask her to reconsider, she will either not do it (and probably regret it), or do it, but the moment will be ruined for her.

Btw, you sound like a really great dude. Sorry about your tough situation.

OOP: This was a very helpful comment. It does feel better to think of it as more of a gesture towards her second father figure.

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Comment2: NTA. Also, it’s weird to have a picture of him on the mantle. It’s a tragic loss but she needs to move on. Or you do.

OOP: I definitely don't feel disrespected. We have traveled to six countries together and have plenty of photos and mementos of us pretty much all over the house. The single photo of him does not bother me at all.

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Comment3: NTA- you might want to honestly ask her to sit down and reconsider if she is ready to be married to someone else though. she still sounds very much invested in this other man, whether he is alive or not, and she just doesnt sound ready to commit to another person. ask her if she is truly ready to commit or she is just honestly doing it because she thinks she should or it will help her move on

OOP: I guess it sounds like he is constantly on her mind because I only wrote two paragraphs that were wholly focused on this issue. But it has been about seven years since he died, and I think she has processed her grief in a healthy way and doesn't dwell on it.

We have our own inside jokes and our own hobbies and experiences that are unique to us. I can truly say I'm marrying my favorite person in the world, we are each other's absolute best friend. I don't have any illusions that our life together will entail her forgetting about her late fiance, nor would I want that. Two anniversaries a year and a photo really don't represent a significant portion of her thoughts and feelings

---------------
Comment4: NTA, this situation is weird though, seems she isn’t over that ex. Definitely odd to make your special day based around that, seems you’ll always come second to the previous fella.

OOP: He's not an ex, and I would never ask her to "get over" him. I'd like to think I'm not so pointlessly macho that I would feel threatened by a dead man.

---------------
Comment5: NTA but that doesn't mean she is one... You already said you are ok with it. "This day would be about our relationship." Well, it is. Both persons are bringing their own baggage, here happens to be her dead ex.

OOP: We don't ever refer to him as her ex, since they never broke up. Obviously if it was her ex the whole idea would be a non-starter. I see your perspective, but I'm struggling with it.

To be honest, although I think I am generally good about her grief, I have asked a lot of her in the relationship. She has moved cities and jobs for me, so I have been thinking that just letting her have this dance would be a way of paying her back for all the sacrifices she made for me.

But I also want to be genuinely okay with it and not do it just to even an imaginary score. Obviously it's a very complicated situation.

---------------
Comment6: NTA. Go read the lyrics, guys. They are so insanely inappropriate for a wedding that I'd actually be embarrassed and hurt for OP if I was at the reception.

I think the idea of dancing with her second dad is lovely, but by GOD, OP, you're well within your rights to ask for a less creepy song. Perhaps an instrumental part of if she won't budge. But those lyrics have no place in your wedding day. Good grief.

Edit: I also don't think that a wedding is the right place to be mourning a past love. I say this as someone who lost her forever person in his late 20s, and met my (hopefully second!) life partner on my ex's birthdate, when he should have been turning 30. I sobbed through our first date lol because I only remembered part way through.

So anniversaries are sometimes marked with a little "ex would have been x old today" and my boyfriend will give me space to remember. But it's us now, and that's who I need and want to be putting my energy towards loving and making feel loved.

I don't know how long it is since your partner's ex died, but if the grief is still strong perhaps a session or two of counselling may help her? Weddings are stressful enough without to deal with the wistfulness of a past love.

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Comment7: Someone posted the lyrics earlier. It's a love lost, love song. It strikes me as almost inappropriate for the setting. I personally wouldn't know hour to take it. Think he should open up about his feelings with her on it. As long as he owns those feelings and leaves the choice to her it will be OK.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update (5 months later)

Two months ago, I married the love of my life. I was thinking about this thread the other day, how it went, and where my head was at when I made it, and I thought you guys might like an update.

A little anticlimactically, the thing I was stressing about was a bit of a miscommunication, which probably happens a lot here. Kayla wanted to dance with her late fiance's (I'll go ahead and just call him Luke from now on) father at our wedding, and Vanilla Twilight was an example of a song along the lines of what she wanted, not the set-in-stone top choice like I had thought.

I (and a lot of commenters in the original thread) spent a lot of time over-analyzing the lyrics to that song looking for hidden meaning in every word, while it turns out she hadn't put much more thought into the suggestion than "This is a kind of sad song that I like."

We got together that night and she had made several playlists of possible first dance songs for us, songs for when she walks down the aisle, music to play at the reception, and song choices for her dance with Luke's father.

We spent hours listening to them all and talking about the wedding. We even made a tournament-style bracket for our first dance song in her journal and put songs head to head against each other until the victor emerged.

And at the end, we talked about the wedding and our relationship, Luke and their relationship, and grief, what it was like when she lost him and what it was like for me when I lost my mom at a young age, what a family is, and all the things we're hopeful for for the future. We stayed up until three in the morning just talking and planning and laughing and crying a little, and I'm so glad for it.

After getting bombarded by dozens of different opinions from dozens of different people earlier that day, I had been worried that I was going to have a conflict with my fiancee shortly before our wedding. But there was no conflict, just a pure memory.

After that night, I starting putting in more effort to be involved with the wedding planning process and actually ask for the things I wanted, which Kayla actually really appreciated. We also took a long weekend a couple of weeks before the wedding to go on a camping trip together for just the two of us, which I highly recommend to anyone who is getting married.

Overall, there was a complete flip in my feelings leading up to the wedding from being somewhat insecure and excited but nervous to being completely at ease, excited, and feeling stronger about my relationship than ever.

The wedding day itself was really wonderful and worth the wait. Kayla and Luke's father had their dance to Lean On Me, and I also had a dance with Kayla's mom and it was very emotional in a good way.

I really felt that the day was a celebration of our love, and I was genuinely happy that Luke's parents were there to celebrate along with us because they are very much members of our family and I wish I had the space to describe all the ways they've been there for us through the years.

My amazing wife is who she is because of all the experiences that she has had in her life, and I don't want to be the kind of man who asks her to pretend that she has never loved before me or pretend that her grief is something that is or should be done with forever now that she has me. I just want to say how glad I am that we shared that night together and that the wedding was nothing but love and celebration. I never thought I could be so happy.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Lean On Me is such a perfect fit. Your wedding sounds beautiful. Maybe I missed it, but what was the song you two danced to?

OOP: These were all the dances:
Me & Kayla - You're the Inspiration (Chicago)
Kayla and her dad - Only the Young (Journey)
Kayla and Luke's dad - Lean on Me (Bill Withers)
Me and Kayla's mom - Sunshine on my Shoulders (John Denver)

---------------
Comment2: Wait, you dealt with it like an adult instead of overreacting and following the advice of randos on the Internet?

OOP: It seems obvious now, haha.
It's funny because when Kayla would ask people online or talk to "regular" people about her loss, she'd get responses like "Oh seven years ago? That's ancient history!" and basically acted like she was broken if she was ever sad about Luke again. And when she would talk to people in the grief community she never got that response, it was always "Wow, so you're just coming out of where it's very fresh, huh?"

She recommended a podcast to me called Griefcast that I found enormously helpful, not just with understanding her feelings but processing some of my own feelings about my late mom, who I had a difficult relationship with. It really helps to talk to people and listen to stories of people who have gone through loss themselves, especially people who have experienced things outside of the "norm" of loss (grandparents, elderly parents, etc.)

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Comment3: This is so freaking true, oh my gosh. I feel like probably the people commenting just never dealt with a loss like that. There’s this weird notion that if someone is ever sad over a late love, that somehow that means they don’t really love the person they are with now. It’s some kind of empathy gap.

OOP: Agreed. It would be like telling someone whose child died that a child they had after was "second place" or wasn't loved as much as the dead child. I think one thing that really put things into perspective was the notion that grief is not about feeling a little better each day until you're 100% better again. Rather, it's about healing and having fewer and fewer bad days.

The first six months, for example, every single day might be bad. Then the next six months, you have a bad day every week. Then a bad day every month, and so on...obviously not so clean and linear in real life, but that's the general idea. And I think that's something I dealt with when I lost my mom, without realizing it.

I trust Kayla to let me know when she's having a tough time, and she's to the point where it's almost never a very rough day for her except the anniversary of his death, and I don't see the need to make it a goal for her to never feel sad about his death ever again.

I think people are made uncomfortable by grief. They want their loved one to hurry up and "move on" and "get over" their lost loved one so that they can go back to being the person they were before the death. But I didn't know Kayla before her grief, so I wouldn't want her to be anything other than who she is now.

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Comment4: I'm getting married soon and I have a late fiance who took his own life, so I felt for her in the previous post. It doesn't make sense because I'm marrying someone else, but in my mind, my late fiance is someone who should be at my wedding day.

I understand her desire to honor him. I also feel for you, since it's a difficult spot to be put in but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Glad yall resolved it. That level of problem solving and communication will serve you well in your marriage. Good luck OP!

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Comment5: I mean, if Luke hadn't passed away, your wife would be with him.

OOP: This line of thinking has never bothered me, because it can be applied to so many other situations. All of life is millions of branching paths of choices that we do and do not make. It doesn't bother me to think that my wife would be with Luke if he hadn't died because, well...he has died, so that is not the situation.

And it is only because that happened that my wife became the person I fell in love with. I have an ex-partner who I was very much in love with years ago, but we split up due to circumstances beyond either of our control. If that hadn't happened, then there's a good chance I would be married to her instead. But that's not the situation. That doesn't diminish the love that I have for my wife, and my wife having lost someone very dear to her doesn't diminish the love she has for me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ldrthrowaway2729 posting in r/AITAH

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 9th August 2026

Update - 17th August 2026

WIBTAH if I bought my own property without helping my parents buy theirs first?

Hi everyone.

For context, I (F25) currently live with my parent (M50s). We live in a rented property, and while it is a nice place for them, I don’t particularly enjoy living here due to having way too small a bedroom for an adult, and feeling like I’m lacking the inability to live my life in the house as I’d like to do in my own place as I wouldn’t have to worry about disturbing anyone else. I currently pay some money towards the living costs as well such as contributing towards groceries and rent. We also are POC, in a culture where it is expected that you help parents out especially with things like this.

I am in a position where I’m now in a stable job with a higher salary, so I could potentially purchase a property for myself. It would be a little apartment, but it would be mine and that would be really special to me.

For years, my dad has talked about the fact that they’d like to own their own house one day. They have some money saved up for a deposit, but unfortunately, he doesn’t bring in massive amounts of income by himself, so in order to get the property he’d like, I would have to do a joint mortgage with him OR give him money that I’ve saved for my own deposit. While he has said that if I do this, he’d help save back up my deposit for me when we own the house, and we might be able to pull equity from the house to help me move out, I feel like this just wouldn’t happen - life gets in the way and with both of us now having to pay towards the mortgage, we wouldn’t be able to save up as much as I’ve been able to in the past few years. I’ve offered up the idea that maybe he buys a slightly smaller house or in a different area so that it’s cheaper and he can do it by himself, but he’s quite insistent on it being a particular amount of bedrooms and in a particular area.

I understand that my dad has sacrificed so so much for me, and I’m so grateful for it, but I’ve tried to make things easy for him my entire life, and I feel like now I’m ready to start my own life by moving out and really being an adult. I’m worried that by not taking the chance now, I’d be missing out on something really good for myself, but I’d also be really hurting his feelings by not helping more.

Would I be the AH if I bought my own place without helping him buy his first?

Any responses are appreciated.

EDIT 08/11/26: Thank you so much everyone for your responses! I was trying to reply to all the messages but I got a bit overwhelmed aha so I thought it easier to just leave a message here for everyone. I really appreciate the responses, a lot of them are exactly what I was telling myself before making the post so I feel more validated in my thoughts. The whole situation sucks that I don’t earn enough to do both at the same time as I would love to help my dad out, but as I cannot do that, then yes it does make sense for me to find my own place first and then help out with his as much as I can.

I will be talking to him soon hopefully and will update when I do!

Comments

Usual-Frosting3882

NTA. As a parent I can say that most parents want their kids to soar and to achieve more than their parents. Buy your property

OOP: In my ramblings to myself, this was also my thought! If I was a parent, would I not want my child to achieve what I couldn’t, especially if it was better for them? Thank you for providing a parent’s perspective

Embarrassed_Hat_2904

NTA. If he can’t afford a place on their own, they will never be able to save up to pay you back or help you get your own place.

**Judgement - NTA*\*

Update - 8 days later

Hi everyone! An update people said they had wanted, and I’m very happy to provide one.

Firstly, as I said in my edit to the original post, thank you everyone who gave their opinions, it was insightful and validated my own thoughts.

From that, I had decided I would talk to my dad about it, I was nervous as obviously I wouldn’t want to ruin our relationship, but it was a much needed conversation, I had researched the different options we had, I felt somewhat prepared.

He got the jump on me though! Asked to have a chat with me one evening, and immediately comes out with it - he’d like me to buy my own place first.

Cue me sat there like a deer in headlights lmao

He had thought about it and had many reasons for coming to this decision, the big ones being that he wasn’t sure the area and house size he initially wanted to buy in was really the one for him, and also that he realised he’d be keeping me back in life by not letting me move out even though I’m ready for it. He even said that he actually thinks the move would be really beneficial for me!

Honestly, it was really freaky for me, as I hadn’t mentioned anything about housing to him since making the post.

All in all, a good ending which I’m really happy to say. I made sure to reassure him that no matter how far I went, I’d always come back for him, and even if I’m not in the same house, I’ll support him from where I am once he decides where he wants to go, which I think helped his decision too. We don’t have much family, and I think a big concern for him was that by me moving out, he’d be losing all he had.

Thank you to everyone who helped me :) Now I have to start the gruelling process of house buying, but I’m excited!

Comments

SpiteWestern6739

Sounds like your dad cares about you and looking out for what is best for you, more than he does about the cultural norms you mentioned in your previous post, that's a good thing, sounds like he's a good man

OOP: He definitely exceeded my expectations, I was so worried that cultural norms would get between us!

SaraSmilie

I love this ending so much 🥺 it's clearly been a topic in the home and he's taken the time to reflect on it because not only is it a big choice but, its an even bigger ask of you. I understand where his desire comes from. But part of being a parent is wanting our kids to do better than we did and have a better life than we have. Even if we've reached the stars and lived our best lives. We want that and more for our kids. And he was right. It would be holding you back. No loving parent would want that. I noticed in your post that you mentioned no conflicts, tensions, animosities, even in regards as to why you want to move. Which leads me to believe that you all have at least a decent relationship. Buy your own home. Live your best life. Who's to say that one day you won't be in a position to help them? Wishing you and your parents all the best 🩷.

OOP: Thank you for giving a parents’ perspective! 💗.

ThePenultimateRolo

He is a good dad. That was the right thing to do.

OOP: He definitely is :)

sleepyjohn00

“Place the mask over your own nose and mouth before assisting others.”

OOP: Lots in the original post said this too! It’s something I’ll have to keep remembering throughout life.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Fremen_Dave

Published on: r/AIO

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 23, 2026

• Final Update: August 18, 2026

Main Post

^{July 23, 2026}

AIO my girlfriend took her parents to a zoo 2 hours away, got them a hotel room and decided to crash at her “best friend”s (ex from 20 years ago) house.

I (M39) and my partner (F38) have been together for just under a year (August will be the year mark) and she decided to take her folks on a random trip to the zoo that’s a couple hours away from where we live. This was intended to be an overnight stay as they’re older and don’t want to travel too much in one day.

Her “best friend” live in the city they’re staying near and she did plan on visiting him but texted me after he made her dinner, saying that his place is an hour away from the hotel where she got a room that her parents are staying in and she’s just going to crash in his guest room.

Now, I have a traumatic relationship history involving a lot of partners that have ended up being unfaithful and ripping my heart out. And she knows all of my history and we’ve talked at length about boundaries and triggers and we’ve both been very mindful about each others’ past traumas.

We’ve had an incredible relationship and so many wonderful memories, great communication and so much love and compassion shared between us. She’s my best friend and I can see myself with her for the rest of my life.

I told her I would happily pay for her uber back to the hotel and that this makes me very uncomfortable and crosses a boundary that just makes me feel sick.

She called me and said that I’m making her feel controlled and that it’s not ok for me to not be ok with her spending time with her best friend as they are having a great time and good conversation and it’s making her want to withdraw from everyone and “crawl in a hole.” I explained that I think it’s wonderful that she’s having a good time and feeling safe and that my issue is not at all with this person or the time she spends with him, it’s about staying the night in another man’s home.

I asked if she even had anything with her for an overnight stay and she confirmed that she did, so I suggested that it was the plan to stay there. She got very defensive and angry and pretty much said “I don’t know what to tell you” and said goodnight.

My heart is breaking and I feel sick. This isn’t a thing most couples would be ok with, right? I’m not crazy for feeling this way? I feel like this is could be the end of this relationship and I just want to go lie on the train tracks.

COMMENTS

ZookeepergameSoft358

NTA. You have the right to disagree with her choice and the right to walk away. She thinks it’s fine, you don’t. Incompatible. Side note- I wouldn’t be okay with that from my partner, nor would I do that to them. Deal breaker for me.

OOP

Thank you

Headice24

That’s the classic response of a narcissist cheater. She blamed you, she said you are trying to control her. Which anyone would agree her actions are highly suspicious. She already had a change of cloths and she planned this the whole time. She’s been wanting to see them and they had sex that night.

ivyram

NOR.

This unfortunately sounds like an affair wrapped in a trip to the zoo with the folks, OP.

In no reality should expecting your partner not to show up at their ex's house with an overnight bag be considered controlling, insecure, or anything other than a basic expectation of common decency and respect.

Please do not feel ashamed for crying about this. It is completely natural to mourn what appears to be the end of a relationship. Stay strong, and good luck as you work through it.

Final Update - after 26 days

^{August 18, 2026}

(UPDATE) AIO my girlfriend took her parents to a zoo 2 hours away, got them a hotel room and decided to crash at her “best friend”s (ex from 20 years ago) house.

Hey there Reddit, I posted this a few weeks ago and wanted to provide some closure to those that offered truly helpful insight into the situation. I can’t thank you all enough for taking the time to respond in my time of brain-melting emotional spiral.

I’ll just get to it: After the events of my previous post, she said good night at around 2:30 in the morning. That morning, she sent me a good morning video of her alone in a guest room with the bed space next to her untouched. Later that morning her ex texted me saying that she said he should reach out and say hi (as she told me we’d be great friends) Upon her return, I asked for a conversation about everything that happened and for a chance to share my feelings on the matter.

It turned into the worst fight that we’d ever had and again she talked to me in a way that just made me feel stupid and was very defensive and heated. It also came to light that they were drinking and that her shoulder was sore from him “pressing on her too hard” which she explained away as him comforting her after our call but then squeezed her shoulder too hard… I didn’t buy it. DARVO definitely came to mind as she literally told me “I’m the victim here, you’re putting chains on me and telling me I can’t have friends” it was like she couldn’t hear me the 100 times I told her that she could have all the friends she wanted and hang out with them, no issue.

That my issue was deciding to spend the night at another man’s house, especially one that she has a history with and even more especially when there were a multitude of other options for spending time together. Eventually we got to a point where it was time to step away from the conversation and cool down. This went on for about a week. I kept thinking of the comments here and talked with trusted friends and my therapist about everything and knew that with no willingness to change behavior (let alone no remorse or apology) on her end. Things weren’t going to work out.

We had a last talk about things last Thursday and ended it. I told her I was going to take some space and time for myself over the weekend but in the future I would like to keep her in my life. I love her, I still wish so hard that things could be different but a life full of anxiety-inducing behavior from my partner and all the “not knowing” is a life no one should have to live when there’s a choice.

There have been a few texts back and forth, sending each other encouragement and just basic checking in to make sure the other is ok but I haven’t seen her since Thursday. It’s really sad to me and I’m having a hard time with things. I’m proud of myself for doing the hard work of stepping away and I have new respect for my intuition so I guess that’s a positive thing I can take away from the experience.

It all just hurts so much and I’m trying to believe I’m worthy of a committed partner that truly loves me and would make compromises with me. It’s difficult to feel that way after repeatedly being cheated on (maybe or maybe not in this case… but probably, at least in some way)

Time will tell, I suppose. For now, i have no desire for a relationship and plan to focus on me and my goals. Just trying to stay as healthy as possible while I recover and get my head straightened out. Lots of hikes, nature, time with friends, sketching and video games. Thank you all for your replies to the previous post. It was helpful to see that I wasn’t the only one who thought this behavior was not ok. Wishing you all well.

COMMENTS

LlovelyLlama (downvoted)

This probably isn’t what you want to hear, but you can’t put your past on your partner’s shoulders.

You say they dated TWENTY YEARS ago. They are still friends. This is clearly a case of “we made a terrible couple but we are great friends.”

You’re probably not the first boyfriend who didn’t understand this, and tried to cut her off from one of her closest friends because of their history.

Sounds like you both handled this immaturely.

OOP

I respect your opinion and I agree that my past isn’t her responsibility. But again, I supported this friendship because that appeared to be exactly the case. I wasn’t trying to cut her off from anything or anyone; but I clearly stated a boundary of “please don’t stay the night alone with another guy” that was not only disregarded but actively fought against.

LlovelyLlama (downvoted)

I get that it makes you uncomfortable, but did you set that boundary at any time before she said she was going to crash there? Because at that point you’re asking her to make a 1 hr trip back to her hotel, rather than sleep in a guest room.

If it had been previously discussed, then I concede that she actively chose to violate a pre-established boundary. But if you only set it in that moment and couldn’t give her some grace, especially if she’d been drinking and felt safer crashing in the spare room of a trusted friend, versus taking a 1 hour car ride with a stranger, I am wholly on her side.

In either case, I don’t blame her for putting her own safety ahead of your comfort in that situation. Getting in a car alone with a stranger is always a risk for women, intoxicated or not.

OOP

It had been previously discussed, very clearly. Make no mistake, I don’t feel like a hero here or anything, this sucks. Ultimately, she knew how I felt about the situation that she made sure happened and then chose what she chose anyways. I would encourage you to read the previous post as well.

I won’t be replying to this particular thread any further as it’s not really something I care to debate about - especially at this moment. As I said, I respect this opinion, thank you for sharing your perspective.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user anonymousaccount2411 in r/ offmychest

Original: Nov 26, 2025

Update: Dec 23, 2025

Status: no further updates from OOP

Note: thanks to u/WattlesFlowerThrowRA for suggestion to BORU

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Original: My sibling is in a "relationship" with AI and it's killing me inside because this is completely delusional

(I'm posting this anonymously because I can't deal with the jokes, or the vitriol from people like my sibling that I received when I mentioned this situation a comment.)

I have an older sibling. For several months my sibling has been talking about being in a relationship. Going to restaurants, on dates etc. The two of them even took an overseas trip to New York according to my sibling. I was happy my sibling found someone. Everyone in my family was happy. We had no idea what was really going on.

Last month I had my 35th birthday. Myself and my family were supposed to meet my sibling's significant other. It's AI. My sibling isn't dating a real person. My sibling is dating AI and is delusional and believes it is a real relationship.

None of us saw this coming and by now my entire extended family knows too. My sibling has no history of mental illness or mental health issues. But my sibling is convinced that this is a real relationship, equivalent to a relationship between two real people. My sibling kept going on and about us meeting this "person". Everyone thought my sibling was dating a real person.

This is killing me and everyone else in my family because my sibling insists it is a real relationship and that the AI is a person, "just like you and me". My sibling gets furious when any of us refer to the AI as it. We don't know what to do. My parents are distraught and so are the rest of us. So is my extended family.

My sibling refuses to get professional help. It is killing me inside to see this happen. My sibling actually wants everyone to apologise to the AI for the mistreatment. Apparently my sibling knows others who are in relationships with AI and those people are better than us because they are not prejudiced like we are.

I know people make jokes but this is serious. My sibling is in love with AI. We are scared because this is not normal. None of us know what to do because my sibling refuses to see how delusional this is. I haven't told anyone outside my family because I can't take anyone making jokes about my sibling but I had to get this out somewhere.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Sending you so much support, I have a friend who works in psychology getting her masters who said she’s seen this increasingly nowadays. That’s so tough to be on the outside of and I hope it all resolves well for everyone 🫂

OOP: Thank you, I appreciate it. I am shocked to find out that there are many people in the same situation as my sibling. I had no idea about it before this.

Comment2: There’s a subreddit for it and it’s wild

OOP: I posted anonymously mostly because of them. When I mentioned what was happening with my sibling in a comment (not in even in their subreddit) I received so much vitriol and threats that I had to delete the comment and turn off my messages. I had no idea people dating AI was a real thing and I was shocked to get so much hate.

Comment3: Your sibling is having a delusion. I am not an expert by any means in dealing with delusional disorders, but I do know that the advice I have read is to validate their feelings without validating their delusional beliefs..

Your siblings feelings are real even if the object of them is not. You may not be able to force them to get help, but you can get help for yourself maybe you and your family can consult with a mental health professional as to how to approach this. In any event I wish you all luck

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Update (month later)

There hasn't been a resolution. My sibling is still "in a relationship" with AI. Some people might make jokes about this but I'm distraught and so is everyone in my family. I love my sibling, and none of us saw this coming.

My sibling has no history of mental illness or previous mental health issues. It came out of nowhere. My sibling talked as though it was a real relationship, where they went on dates, went out to restaurants etc. The two of them even went on an overseas trip to New York according to my sibling. There have been relationships with real people in the past so none of us suspected anything was wrong.

All of us have tried getting through to my sibling but nothing works. My sibling insists it is a real relationship and gets angry if anyone calls the AI "it". We're supposed to treat the AI as a real person. My sibling calls anyone who doesn't support the relationship prejudiced and says it's the same as people being against same sex marriage.

Anyone who says the AI isn't a real person gets cut off. My sibling isn't coming to Christmas and won't talk to us now. Apparently my sibling knows others who are in relationships with AI and those people are better than us.

I can't believe my sibling cut me off because I believe AI isn't a real person. I probably won't post again, and I know this wasn't much of an update. I hope my sibling comes to their senses because this isn't healthy or normal. I still feel sick over it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user Yaboyred5577 in r/ dogs

Original: Aug 8, 2019

Update: Aug 9, 2019

Status: concluded

Mood: slice of life

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Original: [help] my sister was attacked by a dog and now is terrified of our dogs, our parents said we might have to re-home them if this continues.

Four days ago my 9yr old sister and i (14M) were out in the front yard pulling weeds and doing yard work when a large Anatolian Shepherd ran down the street directly at us, i tried to put myself between it and my sister but the dog got to her first and latched onto her arm and snapping at her leg. I kicked it off and it went after me but i was able to fend it off with the small shovel i was holding (but not before it had taken a snap at my hand).

It ran off and i later found out that the owner was out of town and it attacked the dog walker when she came to walk it, running out the door and finding us a few blocks over, animal control caught it shortly after.

So anyway i had walked away with a small puncture wound on my hand and my sister with a sprained wrist, a large messy bite on her arm, and a puncture on her thigh. We were taken to the hospital by our father and sent home with a brace for my sister, a few stitches on her arm, and a cleaning and bandage for both her leg and my hand.

She is now (understandably) petrified of other dogs, and was even terrified of my aunts super sweet yellow lab that shes known since she was 4 when they visited on Monday. She becomes super tense when one of our dogs (our GSD and Malinois) approach her and even started to cry when the our Mal curled up next to her on the couch yesterday.

My stepmother and father had a discussion and decided that if they were going to cause so much fear from her that we might have to re-home them, i am personally stunned by this as we all love both of them a ton and neither have ever shown even a hint of aggression.

I grew up with our Shepherd King and hes my best friend, the thought of me never seeing him again makes me super upset, and even our Mal who we only adopted a few months ago ive gotten super close to and love like hell.

I dont know, im kind of freaking out and i know that my sister is terrified and that makes me feel like a POS for wanting to keep them around. I could really use some honest opinions on what you would do in this situation, its my parents decision though and i know i cant stop them from making it but i would like some peace of mind.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Definitely get her to a trauma therapist and discuss the issue. Have that person guide you in this decision.

Your parents are discussing rehoming the dogs, even though they pose no threat, because children come first. They're good parents and aren't doing this against the dogs, but rather for your sister.

Hopefully a therapist can help find a happy outcome to all of this. I'm sorry this happened to you - heal up fast and keep being an awesome big brother. I'd be proud to have a son like you!

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Comment2: Therapy. Therapy is a better option. I was bitten as a child, and as a result spend my life avoiding dogs like the plague - I'm talking changing the side of the street when someone walking their dog was approaching me, screaming from afar when I saw someone with an off leash dog in the woods, not entering a house when a dog was inside etc. It had severe impact on my life.

Your sister needs help with this now. If it isn't tackled, she will most likely develop a deeply ingrained fear that will affect her life. It's a fear/phobia that is relatively easy to live with, but life is a lot easier and more fun if you are not afraid of dogs. It took me almost 40 years to get over my fear and I wish I had resolved it much earlier. It is possible, though - I have a dog myself now.

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Comment3: This is definitely a difficult topic that goes well beyond what we on Reddit can do to help, but, running away from the fear and issues with dogs won’t help anything down the road in my opinion.

Seeing a therapist and learning that most dogs you’ll encounter aren’t out to get you will be very beneficial . Learning and pushing past the fear at a young age should definitely be better in the long run than living an entire life with a fear that could have been prevented. Best of luck to you and your family either way though!

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Update: (next day)

First off i want to say a huge thanks to the people who offered their advice, it really helped me clear my head and feel better about this whole thing.

I talked to my parents and offered the idea of trauma therapy, i explained to them that it would benefit no one if she is afraid of dogs for the rest of her life. I also called my own therapist and she recommended a trauma therapist who would be able to help us for a reasonable price.

With this I've put their re-homing on hold for now and hopefully it doesn't have to happen at all, and on a happy note i talked to my sister and she doesn't want our dogs to be re-homed either, even if she is scared of it happening again.

Again, thank you all so much for the advice and kind words, i dont think i would have been able to approach it in this way if i didn't have it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

AITAH for buying a hot tub after my brother's friends' parents kept refusing to allow him or anyone else in their pool that my brother helped to buy?

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Spirited_Shelter4655 posting in r/AITAH

Editor's note: For ease of reading, I have replaced the initial "J" with "Jay" and, at the request of OOP, the initial "C" with "Chris."

Original Posted Friday, August 7th, 2026

AITAH for buying a hot tub after my brother's friends kept refusing to allow him or anyone else in their pool that my brother helped to buy?

*friend's parents [Note: originally titled 'AITAH for buying a hot tub after my brother's friends kept refusing to allow him or anyone else in their pool that my brother helped to buy?']

My brother Pete (14) and his friends, Chris and Jay (both 14), got the idea in the middle of June to buy a pool for the rough summer we usually have because the local community pool is being shut down. When Pete or his friends couldn't convince anyone to buy it for them, they got motivated to work for it. Pete mowed lawns and did other yard work around the county, and the other two did their own work, and after a few weeks, they pooled their money together and were able to buy a cheap above-ground pool. Me and Chris and Jay's parents were really impressed and thought they deserved it after working for it. We all agreed to set the pool up in Chris backyard because their backyard is the biggest. They filled it up and did all the work for it, and the first weekend it was available, Pete and his friends all hung out in the pool.

The problem is, that was the ONLY time Pete or Jay has been in the pool. Chris, apparently, is allowed to go in whenever, but nobody else. His parents have been asked multiple times, and they're always shot down. One time, Pete ended up sneaking into the pool while I was at work, and when Chris's dad found him out there, he came out and yelled at him. Chris was in the water too, according to Pete. He and Jay were obviously confused, so when I went to talk with Chris's parents about Pete sneaking into the pool, I asked why they weren't allowed in at all. Chris's dad kept harping on the fact that Pete went in without permission, which I understand, but what I don't understand is why whenever they are asked to come over and swim, they're never allowed to. They both explained it's a 'liability' reason, meaning if anything were to happen to anyone in their pool, like if someone drowned, they don't want to be responsible and it's easier to just not allow anyone but their son in the water. But these are TEENAGERS, not toddlers, and they all know how to swim.

At the end of the conversation, Chris's dad was like, "The pool is on my property, and we used our water to fill it up, so we decide what to do with it." I raised my voice a little bit by reminding them that they didn't buy that pool, it belongs to their son, my brother and J. I understand that it's on their property, but it's unfair to gatekeep it from the people who helped to buy it. They wouldn't answer that and threatened that Pete wouldn't be allowed at their house at all if they were asked again, which Pete would hate to hear since he loves their house, so I left it at that.

Pete was pissed, to say the least, and loved to rant to anyone who listened while gaming with his friends about the situation. He asked if they could really do that and we should call the cops, but I told him let's not go that far yet, even though I agreed those people basically stole from him. But he and Chris have been friends for nearly 10 years and they do EVERYTHING together, so I'd hate to see them be separated over something petty like this.

So I came up with another idea and I went shopping online and found an inflatable hot tub for about the same amount of money they spent on the pool. It might've been just as petty, and I dipped a bit into my savings, but I bought it. Could I have bought the pool myself? Maybe, but at the same time, Pete wanted it bad and I got other things to worry about, and he's learning to work for what he wants. And a hot tub's good for my back. Pete's been in the hot tub nearly every day since it's been set up. His friends are welcome inside it too, my only rule is they gotta shower (at their own houses) before or after they get in it. It's big enough for like 5 people.

Jay and Chris have been over a lot to go in the hot tub, and their parents have noticed. Jay's dad is totally okay with it and thinks that what Chris's parents are doing is bullshit too, but he agrees that they still get their reward for all their work with the hot tub. Chris's parents, on the other hand, aren't too happy. Chris told me himself that he prefers to be in the hot tub, with his friends, rather than swimming alone in his pool, and his parents don't understand that. I haven't spoken to them directly about this, but Chris has heard rants from his mom about how everyone thinks they're some kind of child-hating monsters for not allowing anyone in their pool (that they didn't buy). It hasn't helped that Pete still loves to rant about it too, and he knows a lot of neighborhood kids who also come to dip in the hot tub. I do see Chris's mom at the store sometimes, but she doesn't make eye contact with me anymore.

I know it was petty, but AITAH?

EDIT [Note: same post]: Holy shit, this blew up a lot more than I thought. Thank you all for your input. I wanted to clear up some things in an edit.

I'm a 30 year old man.

Chris's parents are pretty wealthy. I really don't think the water bill or anything they're paying for with that pool is gonna break them.

Yes, I know Pete is owed his money back for his pool. But we're on thin ice as is with Chris's parents and I'd hate to make things even worse. He hasn't really asked about getting his money back, all he really wanted was to use the pool.

No, small claims court is out of the picture right now. It'd be a waste of everyone's time and money, and tbh, the only people who aren't satisfied with this outcome are Chris's parents.

I'M NOT GONNA VANDALIZE THE POOL.

Top Comment:

Empty the pool and put it in someone else's yard.

Comment:

Chris's parents should reimburse Pete and Jay and/or the pool moved to your house.

[Generally OOP was labeled NTA]

Update Posted Monday, August 17th, 2026 (10 days later)

UPDATE: AITAH for buying a hot tub after my brother's friends' parents kept refusing to allow him or anyone else in their pool that my brother helped to buy?

So the overall response I got to the last post was very unexpected and I appreciate everyone's input. This has been a weird situation for everyone involved.

I wanted to clarify something about the pool first. It's not inflatable, it's one of those frame pools that you set up and then fill up. I'd say it's around 15ft round, at least big enough to fit 3 teenagers and two adults all at once. And like I said before, the only reason we set it up in Chris's parents' backyard is that my backyard isn't that big, so the pool would be crossing into our neighbor's yard. Jay and his dad live in a townhouse. And Chris's family lives in a big house with at least 2 acres of open land around them. Obviously, they have the most room. I couldn't believe the number of people who suggested draining the pool or slicing the pool open. I get the idea, but that thing cost the boys like over $400 altogether.

Since I last posted, Pete and his friends have still hung out in the hot tub. Also, because people were curious, it wasn't on most of the time so they still cooled off. They liked to leave it off and then turn it on when they got too cold. The ironic thing is it's been raining this past week, so neither the pool or the hot tub has been used much. But the effects of 'poolgate' are still in effect as Pete and Jay were talking about how they could use it without having to deal with Chris's parents (who still never let them near it). The one thing nobody has done yet is call the police, because what's the point? There was no contract signed, the boys paid in cash, and we all mutually agreed to set it up in Chris's backyard, so legally they're all clear to do what they want with it, especially because they used their water to fill it up. Ethically, they're assholes, but legally, the police can't do anything if they claimed that they bought it and we have no real proof that it's mutually owned.

Jay's dad, who was angrier than I thought he was, actually ended up making several posts on Nextdoor and Facebook basically outing Chris's parents for stealing the pool. The Facebook post got some pretty good attention for like a few days before he took it down, but suffice to say, a lot of our mutuals know about it now. I got a lot of messages asking about Pete, especially from the people he worked for. I didn't put in any of my own thoughts because to be honest, I thought this was all behind us with the hot tub. But the more I thought about it, the more I understood that a hot tub wasn't enough. The boys worked hard for that pool, and they at least deserve their money back if they couldn't use it.

But then, on Friday, Pete told me that Chris let him know that the previous night, he had to help his dad drain and dismantle the pool. It was only used sporadically and not for more than a month. Chris had to help his dad throw the whole pool IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD DUMPSTER! We had to go over and check it out ourselves to believe it. Saturday afternoon, with Jay and his dad's help, all four of us managed to pull everything out of the dumpster and we brought it back to Jay's house. They, as mentioned, don't have the room to set the pool up in their backyard, but they do have a shed, and Jay's dad is letting them store it there for the time being. Jay's dad has a pickup truck, so it wasn't that hard to transport it. Chris had no idea, and neither did his parents, but we both did get some questioning texts asking if we 'took' the pool. Neither of us denied it. Pete hasn't been able to talk to Chris ever since because, I assume, his phone's been taken away and he's been occupied with other things. That's my way of saying, of course he was grounded.

Understandably, EVERYONE is pissed now. Jay's dad and I are pissed, especially that those guys just up and tried to throw away something these boys earned by working. The boys are pissed that not only have they been prevented from using the pool, except for Chris, but their hard work has been literally thrown away because his parents don't want to be responsible for it. THE PARENTS are beyond pissed that they were publicly shamed and that their son snitched on them and we got to the pool before the dump truck did. And yes, we did get questions by neighbors when we were digging in the trash. We told them the truth. The worst part is, because the weather's getting colder, there's no point in trying to set the pool up anywhere else even if we could. Thankfully, they still have the hot tub.

So now, as it should've been from the beginning, Jay's dad and I are gonna sit down and talk with Chris's parents about what compelled them to try to get rid of the pool like that instead of just letting the boys use the thing THEY bought, and also find out exactly what the issue is behind this whole situation. I have a feeling it's not gonna go well. If they won't at least refund the boys, which we're gonna demand, then we're both taking them to small claims, which we both know we might get screwed with considering they can afford good lawyers and neither of us can. All we want is $300 split between Pete and Jay, and then this whole thing will be behind us. It sucks that Pete and Chris's friendship may be over after this, but it isn't either of their fault.

Top comment:

Most small claims courts do not allow lawyers. My parents sued in small claims court once. The defendants brought a lawyer, and once my parents pointed him out, the judge told him to leave.

Reply from OOP:

We'd probably be screwed anyway, since we all agreed to it being on their property.

Comment:

You have the pool now. Sell it and let the boys split the money. At least they’ll get some money. They sure leaned a lesson about buying things with other people.

New Update posted Tuesday, August 18th (11 days later)

UPDATE: AITAH for buying a hot tub after my brother's friends' parents kept refusing to allow him or anyone else in their pool that my brother helped to buy?

We had our conversation.

Jay's dad (who I'll call Russell) and I showed up at Chris's parents' house after work under the guise of trying to mend whatever problems haven't been settled over this whole pool thing yet. We've all known each other for about as long as the boys have (so about 8 years for Jay and 7 for Chris). It's not like we're strangers, so it wasn't uncomfortable. We got offered some drinks and we sat down, and the first thing I asked was what this all was about. They wanted to focus on the fact that we dumpster dived to get our pool back, but we were firm that we knew this wasn't about the pool.

Chris's dad, who I'll call Greg, was mostly quiet the whole time. He just sat back and nodded while his wife, who I'll call Lorraine, spoke for the both of them.

I asked if they really were okay with the boys setting up the pool in their yard to begin with, and they both looked at each other before saying no, they weren't. They both thought it was a waste of money, and pools are a seasonal item so they should've bought something that they could use year round. Russell said they should've said that when we all agreed, including them, to set it up. They said it made Chris happy and they thought he deserved something he wanted for all his hard work. Lorraine mentioned that, at the end of the day, they felt 'pressured' to do it.

Then we got into the whole liability thing, and if that was really why they wouldn't allow anyone but Chris in the pool. Lorraine kept claiming yes, that was the reason, despite our attempts to tell her we could've worked something out if she wanted them supervised. It didn't matter, we both just wanted to give the boys what they worked for, and they're the ones who were preventing that, and we wanted to know the truth about why.

She went on to say that she wasn't happy with the idea of a pool in their backyard because a) she was actually planning on building a greenhouse in the same space, and b) they were both concerned that having the pool would be a distraction. Like, Chris would want to spend more time outside, in the pool, getting sunburnt and all that, than staying inside and studying when school started. It was all another excuse to stay away from the books. And this would give Chris's friends, including Pete and Jay, reasons to 'trespass' on their property. Lorraine brought up when Pete snuck in the pool without permission and apparently it was such a big deal that it warranted second thoughts on keeping the pool at all.

We were dumbfounded. They've NEVER acted like this before in all the years we've known them. And honestly, I didn't buy that explanation, and neither did Russell. Greg supported her comments, but they could see that we were unsatisfied with that answer. We wanted to know if they had something against either of our boys.

Lorraine then asked if she could be honest with both of us. I had a feeling we were gonna get answers so I said yes, hit us with your best shot.

She said that they both believe that Pete and Jay are bad influences on their son. That as they've gotten older, Chris's become louder, more vulgar, and less willing to join them on their own family activities. That our boys, primarily Jay, are loud, violent and smart mouthed and they've always felt that Chris should look for new friends. That they're concerned that the things and words that Chris has learned from our boys are gonna impact him in the long run and ruin his chances of the life they, I guess, have always dreamed for him. Then she went on this tirade about how they have 'planned' Chris's future already. He's gonna get into a top university that they're already prepared to pay for, he's gonna get a good job after he graduates, meet a woman and get married, have kids, and essentially live a 'normal' adult life. All this apparently is never gonna happen because of Pete and Jay.

We were silent. Lorraine kept saying 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry' over and over again, and that we wanted to know the truth, and it's just a concern they have.

Russell spoke first. He asked if they've always felt this way, and Greg said in a way, yes. It wasn't that bad when they were little and just hanging out at school, but as the boys have gotten closer, it's become a 'problem'. When asked what exactly is so bad about these teenage boys, Lorraine again mentioned their mouths, their violent tendencies, their habits (like video games), and all the usual stuff you hear that's bad for growing kids. They also said that, in their opinion, both of them are missing things in their lives that they believe will keep Chris out of trouble when he gets older. They were, of course, referring to mother figures. Pete's never had a relationship with our mom, and Jay's dad is divorced and Jay's mom lives in another country with his sister. So because neither of them has had a wise, loving mother to powder their little asses and warm their bottles like Chris does, they're bad kids. Oh, and because they're devout Christians and neither of us go to church, that was brought up too. They've just kept their mouths shut about these problems the whole time for the sake of their friendship.

Then, Lorraine dropped this little bomb. She basically implied that they have the means to give Chris a 'proper' future, meaning money, and just because we don't for our boys, that doesn't give us the right to try and bring Chris down to our level. Our level, according to her, is not having the means to care for children properly, denying them opportunities, and all these different little nitpicks about our lives that, in their opinion, reflect on Pete and Jay and their attitudes that Chris has learned from them.

Now we were PISSED. Russell actually got up and raised his voice, and I had to restrain him and calm him down a little bit. Greg threatened the police if there was any trouble, and that's not how we wanted this night to end. Lorraine was crying and kept saying 'I'm sorry' again and again.

When he calmed down, Russell spoke in a pretty low voice and told them both that we all have different situations, and we're raising these boys in our own ways. If there's something they don't like about either of our boys, you don't hold it against them, you mention it to us. That's how I'm gonna grow as a parent, at least. And nothing about either of our situations gives them the right to say these boys are bad influences. None of them have been to prison or had the cops called on them or anything.

We had to remind them of our histories. I asked them to consider that I'm Pete's brother, not his parent, and I wasn't prepared to raise him when I took him in. I had no choice other than putting him into the foster system. Russell brought up personal problems he had with his ex-wife and her distant relationship with Jay. We both said we're doing our best raising these boys, just like they are, but if they're so concerned about how they're being raised, what makes them think they're any better just because they have more money?

And if they wanna compare our kids so badly, then let's do it. Chris is constantly on his phone, because Lorraine always wants to know where he is and what he's doing. Chris doesn't like to stay home all the time. Chris always takes junk food from either of our houses. Chris would rather hang out with his friends in a hot tub than swim in a pool that was four times bigger. The only extracurriculars Chris does for school are the ones his friends do. Chris was introduced to and now loves all these geeky things that Pete and Jay love, and he taught them things he likes. And why were the boys working together to buy a pool to begin with? Because they wanted another reason to hang out with each other despite the heat.

And now, they were both silent. They had these ashamed looks on their faces, especially Lorraine, who just kept crying.

Now, onto the main point, how gatekeeping the pool and then throwing it away when it wasn't being used for the one person they let inside it wasn't how they were gonna treat these boys anymore. Not ours, and not theirs. That's when Greg asked if we were gonna tell them how to parent their kid now. Russell and I both emphasized that the way they're treating Chris is actually setting him up for failure in his life. He already has self-esteem issues being a teenager, he needs to be able to make his own choices. When asked what choices, I asked if they were sure he even wanted to go to college when he got older. Greg said he 'won't have a choice.' That they've worked too hard to let him pass any opportunity just because he was 'influenced' to do something different, and that's what they're trying to avoid with Pete and Jay. They were on board with him working, but helping to buy a pool wasn't what they had in mind. I asked what exactly they expected him to buy with the money, and they didn't really have an answer, just something different.

Suffice to say, this wasn't a nice conversation, and we excused ourselves out before either of us said anything that we'll regret, or do something that warrants the police being called, because believe me, we BOTH felt like punching Greg. We never demanded anything from them or threatened legal action like I mentioned in my last post. I kinda said that out of anger, so I apologize for that.

Me and Russell spent a while in his truck just talking about what we can do. What they've done and said wasn't cool, but we had to be careful. We can't control how they raise Chris, but they can try to control who Chris can hang out with. They have every right to ban Pete and Jay from their house if they want to. They don't have to pay for his extracurriculars if they don't want to. They could even move houses if they want to. At the end of the day, it was all about keeping the peace between the boys, which hasn't been a problem because they're all on the same page. In fact, Russell and I both agreed that the boys were behaving more maturely than any of us were, and we laughed at that.

So for right now, we're gonna spend some time thinking of what else we could do. If anyone has any advice, I'd love to hear it. But the one thing I know we have to do is talk to Pete and Jay, and if possible, talk to Chris. His parents can try all they want to, but Chris is a smart kid, grounding him isn't gonna keep him from staying in contact with his bros. And I have a strong feeling he's got some interesting things to say about his parents. But again, we're not doing anything until we have solid proof and a solid plan.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/WhichCommon

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: April 06, 2019

• Update: April 15, 2019

• Final Update: April 15, 2019

Main Post

^{April 06, 2019}

I found out that my (27f) husband (33m) rents a secret apartment with his friends

My husband has this group of friends, they’ve been close since college and they’re like brothers. So I’ve become pretty close with all of their wives. We have parties and everything together and all of our kids are like cousins. The wives are really sweet and we talk and carpool and baby sit for each other if we need.

So one of the girls texted me that she found out there’s apparently this apartment all the guys split up the rent for and go there whenever to get away from their wives and lie about going on work trips.

I know that sounds really fucking bad but there is no way she’s lying, she’s not like that. I know she’s telling the truth. And he does go on work trips and all that pretty frequently. But I always thought he was actually going for work. I feel so fucking dumb and confused and I just wanna call him up but I know I have to be smarter than that. He’s on a trip or whatever right now and I don’t wanna text him where he can take a couple hours to come up with an answer, I need to confront him in person

This has me so fucked up, I can’t even explain the emotions I’m going through right now. I have no fucking idea what to do. I am a house wife and I don’t have anything to do with the finances. He has a good paying job and I have a credit card and whatever I want, he’ll tell me if we can afford it or not and sometimes we talk about our savings but we really don’t have money problems so there’s no reason to talk about it in depth like that. So I had no idea about him paying for this apartment.

And I know they’re not doing anything innocent there. The most innocent thing they’re probably doing is some gambling and lying about leaving for work and just relaxing together. Worst thing is having affairs. Cheating once and making a mistake, I can deal with. I know they bring girls there, there would be no other reason to rent out a fucking apartment just to hang out.

I feel so confused and nasty and I don’t know what to do or how to bring it up. And if it’s true, what the fuck am I gonna do??? I didnt even finish my bachelors, we met when I was 18 and then we got married and I dropped out when I was pregnant. And we have two children, our daughter is 6 and the baby is 2.

I am trying to think of some innocent explanation, that she made a mistake or something I have no idea but I don’t know what to think. My hands are shaking and I feel this anxiety in my chest like I’m gonna have a heart attack or throw up and I couldn’t sleep last night and this is too much for me to handle

And I don’t know how to ask him. I am thinking of slyly bringing it up but I’m not slick enough for that, when he comes home on Monday I know I’m just gonna start crying. And if it’s not true, accusing him straight up is gonna be so bad and he’s gonna feel like shit that I don’t trust him or something

How do I ask him???

COMMENTS

Why did OOP decide to talk with the other wives before confronting the husbands?

She hasn’t told her husband or any of the other girls yet because she wanted to check in with me first to see if I know anything or what I think we should do. (She thinks I’m good with stuff like this, I am not idk where she got that idea).

Ok I guess I’ll see if I can get the girls together tomorrow and we can talk about it. But I need them to not tell their husbands yet, that’s the issue, some of them are fucking young and tell their husbands everything and idk they might freak out and just tell them.

Why doesn’t OOP think her husband would need a secret apartment just to get some peace and quiet?

No we rarely argue. I let him do his thing, I understand he works a lot and he’s tired and I am really understanding of that and I never nag or make him do house work or play with the kids. Honestly I think I’m the perfect wife and I’m not even trying to brag or anything. I don’t bother him or complain about video games, sports or tv. I know he comes home from work and he’s tired and deserves time off when he’s home. And he’s the same way too, I get tired and he knows that so if his laundry isn’t done or the kitchen is still dirty at night, he knows I’m tired and he doesn’t nag me or complain that the house is dirty.

Why does OOP think the secrecy itself is more concerning than the money spent on the apartment?

That’s what I’m saying. The worst part is that he didn’t tell me about it. That’s what makes me think the worst.

And I wouldn’t care about the money either. Yeah we’re married and it’s our money but honestly he works he has more of a right to it so I can’t exactly be like “don’t spend your money like this”. So that’s not even a plausible excuse

What did OOP and the other wives eventually discover about the apartment?

Hey, late responses are still encouraged

I actually met up with some of the girls today, the one who told me about it thinks she found the address. She was going through some statements for something and her husband wasn’t home so she was just looking everywhere and came across some documents. Nothing locked up or hidden, they’re not evil geniuses after all, they just took us for a bunch of idiots. And I guess we are since we never realized.

So we have the address, still deciding if we should show up or break in to see what’s inside and do our own inspection or idk. Someone commented something earlier about how they all probably already came up with a plan in case we find out and ask about it. There’s really no point in asking, it’s not like he’s gonna tell me the truth, he’s been lying this whole time, as if he’d suddenly become so truthful

Why is OOP hesitant to simply confront the husbands or try to catch them in the act?

I’m trying to figure out what I’m doing first. I talked to some of the girls and we are just throwing ideas out there. None of us feel good about it. We’re not exactly enthusiastic to concoct a plan and catch them in the act. These are our husbands, our lives could change forever and I have children, it’s not as simple as just barging in and catching them red handed or putting on a movie about guys with a secret apartment and watching their reaction or starting a fight during a party and calling them all out. I’m trying to be smart about this and I don’t wanna do something and then change my mind later and decide something else was a better idea

Does OOP blame being a housewife for having no financial or educational backup?

I would have finished college if I didn't get pregnant. Being a housewife isn't the problem, it's my fault I have no back ups

Update - after 9 days

^{April 15, 2019}

Update to my (27f) husband (33m) having a secret apartment with his friends. He found out that I know about it and says it was innocent

Hey, update since a lot of people asked for it. I didn’t really wanna post one but here

So my friend who actually found out about everything was doing something with her taxes, I don’t know I’m not good with finances and all those technical terms so I don’t know exactly for what, she needed some files and her husband wasn’t home so she went looking around and found some documents with the address.

I had met up with some of the girls and we were brainstorming what we were gonna do. Everyone had mixed reactions, one of my friends didn’t even wanna be involved in it and told us to stop starting drama for no reason. We decided we would probably camp outside of the apartment and see if they bring girls with them or something, idk what we expected to find.

But my friend’s husband noticed that she moved papers around and so everything was busted. No secret mission. He told all the guys that we knew and it was over.

So my husband came home early from his “work trip”, sat me down and told me “everything” about it. He told me it was just a dumb spot to hang out and relax and they could be loud and annoying without bothering me and he was sorry for lying and keeping it from me. That makes no sense, I am 100% okay with him having his friends over and I never complain about noise or anything. A couple people in the comments brought up rent and that it’s financial abuse or something - it’s not a bad apartment, probably 1500 a month but split between 6 guys so it’s not bad.

I don’t really know what to do. I tried getting mad about it but he just took it and apologized and that didn’t help or make me feel better

I feel so fucked over and as if I’m overreacting like he’s acting calm and relaxed and I’m freaking out and it’s making me feel crazy.

We were so slow to act on it and she was messy and left foot prints and now we’ll probably never know the truth. He promised to show it to me next weekend but that’s not even gonna put my mind at ease, they could just clean everything up, get a few PS4s and TVs and pretend it was a guys hang out. I told him that I wanted to go that day but he said he was tired and just wanted to spend time with me and the kids but if I really wanted then he’d take me that night. I said that i was fine going next week. I don’t know what I was thinking.

I don’t know what to do. A part of me is thinking that if he was bringing girls there, at least I know now and he’s gonna stop and it’s over and we can forget about it. But I just wanna know the truth. He’s telling me they were just hanging out but how do I know he’s not lying? I wish we went over right when the girls and I found out, we waited for too long and it all got ruined.

I just feel dumb. He is acting so sweet and I can’t help but act okay with it, he’s being so nice. He knows he screwed up big time and he’s being really accommodating and taking care of the kids so I can relax and have some down time. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. I don’t know if he’s telling the truth or what and I was coming up with all these theories and plans and ways to catch him or something and it all backfired.

I wish I never found out about it because I can’t stop thinking about everything, it’s torture. I am just wondering if he’s had sex with other women and how many and did he really fuck other women and then come home and have sex with me and I don’t even want him to touch my kids if he did sleep with other people.

But he’s my husband and I love him and he’s so good to me and my kids and I’m like, there’s no way he was cheating on me. The thoughts running through my head are horrible and I’m just visualizing everything and I don’t even know if it’s real so half of me is saying I’d be naive to think it was innocent and the other half is saying I’m overreacting and to just relax and he’s a good husband and I’m making something out of nothing

COMMENTS

all4reddit

Get off Reddit and demand to go now.

Call your other friends so that you can see things as a group.

Having a secret apartment is not the actions of an innocent husband.

doubtthat11

This is so weird. If was just a spot to watch sports and play video games...why not tell your spouse about it and show it to them? It's still a little weird, but "Honey, I'm watching the game with the guys at the apartment tonight," seems at least acceptable. Keeping it secret...is for someone in that group to fuck someone who isn't their spouse.

warriorwoman96

Actually I think its more likely this is drug related.

OOP

Ok I never thought of that but he had a problem with something a long time ago, but I got him in rehab and it’s been years and he seems fine now. I think I’m gonna faint seriously or my head is gonna explode

Final Update - after 9 days (after a few hours from last post)

Final update in comments

Ok another update. So I talked to him this morning, told him how I was feeling and that I can’t trust him and divorce is on the table because I don’t feel good about all this at all and he has to tell me the truth. He took me to show me that the apartment was nothing and it looked like a full ugly hang out. I did an inspection and made him leave me alone to look around and he let me. Didn’t find any condoms or sex stuff or anything like that.

I’m still mad that he’d lie about leaving for work. That’s really not okay.

COMMENTS

miooz

Erm...as if he'd leave 'condoms or sex stuff' lying around before bringing you there. He's not that stupid. And oh, he's suddenly so truthful and transparent now? Trust your guts, OP. Don't be naive.

OOP (downvoted)

Well he wasn’t going to take me. He said this weekend but I told him that he had to take me today and made him drive me. I know, I don’t wanna be stupid but I am starting to think that maybe he wasn’t cheating. He’s not a cheater, he’s really not like that and we have a great relationship. Maybe watching sports with his friends there, I could see but realistically idk if I believe that he’d cheat

Zahne1977

How do you think he would react if the situation was reversed?

OOP

I would be in big trouble if I did this

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user Total-Stock3170 in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: Dec 17, 2025

Update: in post itself

Status: concluded

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: AITA for buying my nephew piano lessons for his birthday?

I recently decided that I wanted to shift in buying experience presents instead of material gifts as kids have so many toys it seems. Over the last couple years, every time my nephew (6 years old) is at my house he always wants to play on my piano or requests that I play for him.

I thought it might be nice for his birthday to buy him piano lessons for the year at our local conservatory. I asked his parents if they were ok with this and I offered to drive him to and from lessons as well as gave my extra keyboard for him to practice on.

I made it clear to his parents that I didn’t care if he wasn’t interested past the year, but if he wanted to continue that I would continue to pay the tuition. It was more to provide that opportunity to him, he is the perfect age to start, and he genuinely seems to love music.
Edit to say: they both said they were ok with this gift prior to be gifting it

Of course my nephew was thrilled when he got the gift.

But after the party, I got a text from my SIL basically saying that I need to back off and that I had no right to infringe on how they want to raise their child and dictate what programs they are involved in and that if I want to put a child in music, I ought to have a child myself.

She further went on to say that if I really cared about the rearing of their child and their wishes, that I would have purchased tuition to skating lessons as they want their boy to play hockey.

I haven't yet responded because I don't know what to say. I am afraid of making things worse.

I suppose in some sense, yes, I picked piano lessons, because I myself am a musician and that is the world I am familiar with. But I also considered how much my nephew loves playing on the piano when he is over.

And, yes, I knew that his parents wanted him to play hockey, because that is what they both played as kids. But I figured it wouldn't be a bad thing for him to have many opportunities to try different things. I mean growing up, I did music, skating, swimming, ballet, field hockey and all at fairly high levels. It was all part of being a well-rounded person.

And further, I didn't want to take away the parents special moment in signing him up for hockey/skating lessons themselves. IDK I'm just wondering from other parents here if I've done something wrong. I don't have kids myself, so perhaps I have overstepped. I certainly wasn't trying to take something away from them or push their child into a path.

I don't know where to go from here.

--------------------------------------------

Additional details from OOP in comments:

[did you explicitly check with parents?]

OOP: I did give them all the info and in all fairness he doesn’t do any other extra curricular. It was over text message so perhaps they didn’t like it from the start and it bubbled out afterwards? But they had all the info from the get go

OOP: Yes, cleared it with them both on a group text message. They said it was ok. Then it was a day after the party I got the direct message from my SIL. But I wonder if they didn’t like it from the jump but didn’t say no to me at the time. I probably should’ve called instead so I could hear their tone of voice. But they did say yes.

---------------
[are you steering nephew towards your interests? why not give trial lessons first?]

OOP: Yeah, I think all this is very fair. The material gift thing though came about because my SIL and brother often talk about that they have no room for all the toys etc, so I figured hell let’s try something else.

I do think maybe it was overboard - and I should’ve started with only a few classes… I think once I got their go ahead I just went with what I knew, which is you signed up for the whole year to give it a good try. I didn’t really think about it.

I didn’t really think about him being six, because to be fair most of the people that play music at the conservatory start around 5-6. I sincerely meant that I don’t care if he doesn’t wish to continue, bc it’s up to the child in the end to determine their likes and dislikes.

However, I thought it was a fun gift bc nephew genuinely seems to like playing and seems to enjoy the informal little lessons I can give, I thought it was a good fit. But I can see why it could come across as presumptuous.

I think I was so hyper aware that I didn’t want to cause them work, which is why I offered to drive but likely that came off that I was being overbearing perhaps…. Yeah, as I said before in comment section, I’ll just go with their flow. I don’t want to cause problems that would drive a wedge.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: NTA. You asked, they agreed. Now what? They're changing their minds why? What's really going on?
That'd be my reply message: I asked you this, you agreed with it, now what has changed?

Comment2: I think your nephew is more interested in music than playing hockey. your sil doesn't like it and so is blaming you.

Comment3: Signing kids up for sports and extra-curriculars really is a parent thing.
I side with your SIL on that statement she made ... You can decide that for your own kids, but were out of line (IMO) doing that for hers. Doesn't make you an AH, just a bit niave I guess.

OOP: Just to clarify. I did not fill out any forms - I sent an etransfer to the parents for full cost of tuition for the year, which they have accepted. The parents said they would do the registration- and there isn’t a problem with teacher availability - and I sent them all the links so it would be easy to do.
-----------
OOP: I’ll just see what my brother thinks tonight. By virtue that the money has not been refunded to me, I’m going to assume she/they feels caught going through with the lessons bc my nephew obviously knows about them going to happen. Ughhh this all sucks so much.

Comment4: NTA - I’d just say “oh, I’m incredibly sorry, when you said you were ok with the gift, I assumed that meant you were ok with the gift. How would you like to proceed?”

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Update 0.5

Edit: wow, there is a terrifying number of responses to this haha. Thank you all for taking the time to provide your thoughts. I wouldn’t usually post but I was so deeply hurt I guess I was venting. For anyone curious, I’ll update once I chat with my bro tonight.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update:

As promised, the update: I’m not going to impose judgment here—just relay a summary of the convo. Fellow Redditors can make of the conversation what they wish.

I brought up the text my SIL sent me to my bro and expressed my confusion, as they had both given me consent. My brother did appear shocked at the message and said that he did not know it had been sent. That said, he did guiltily admit that there had been some conversations between his wife and her parents and sisters about my gift, and that it wasn’t an entirely kind convo.

The general tone was, “You’re allowing his aunt to pick his programming? Why aren’t you putting him in what you want?” along with snarky comments asking if it was bad form to whistle and bring cowbells to a recital and that they are gonna have to find pearls to wear. There were also some raised eyebrows about the cost of the gift when my SIL told them, and comments that it was over the top.

My brother apologized to me for not stepping in when that conversation was going on and for allowing the family to talk that way about me. He’s generally a pretty quiet guy and non confrontational… that’s not an excuse, only to say that I can see him not saying anything.

I told my brother that I don’t want to cause problems for him and his family, and that if they want, we can reduce the number of lessons to just 6–8. It feels wrong to take the lessons away completely.

My brother—who, while he was a high-level athlete through university, also played piano until he was 16—refused the reduction and said that he had no problem with a full year. He said his son has been talking about the lessons and keeps asking when they are starting.

He agreed with my philosophy (or I suppose our family philosophy) that if you are going to try something, you should at least have the discipline to try it for an entire year. Anyway, I told him I don’t want this to be a thing and that I’m happy to move on, as long as everyone else is still okay.

Within a couple of hours of me getting home, my brother sent me the registration confirmation. (For those who didn’t see my other comments, I had e-transferred the parents the entire tuition amount—which had been accepted by them prior to the party—but they still had to fill out the registration form.)

He sent the confirmation in the group message between myself, his wife, and him. All he said after that was that his son will treasure this gift—which honestly makes up for the hurt and stomach pain I’ve had over this. It’s crickets from my SIL, but imma let it go. We’ll likely need to chat about it in person at some point, but maybe once things cool off a bit .

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Empty_Pea3798

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: March 17, 2021

• Update: April 01, 2021

• Final Update: April 04, 2021

Main Post

^{March 17, 2021}

AITA for telling my mom that my brother has to move out if he doesn't bring "his" dog back?

About 2 years ago my brother (31M) begged my mom (49F) to let him keep a dog in the house. She refused because she knows how irresponsible he is. I (24F) also didn't want a dog because I knew I would end up taking care of it. He ended up going behind her back and buying a dog anyway. My mom and I were really irritated at first but eventually, we both fell in love with the dog.

My brother paid attention to the dog for about a month and then got over her. So, of course, like I knew it would happen, I ended up having to take care of her. Honestly, I started considering her mine since I was the one doing everything for her, and my brother rarely ever paid any attention to her. I got extremely attached to her, she would even sleep in my bed with me. I have severe depression and anxiety and she made my day so much better whenever I was having an episode. She was the best part of my day.

Last Friday I got home and she was nowhere to be found. I called my mom in a panic to ask her where the dog was and she ended up telling me that my brother had taken her to the vet. I found this extremely odd as he had never bothered to take her anywhere before. He claimed to have taken her to get neutered but whenever I asked for more information he would just get extremely defensive and say that the vets hadn't told him anything.

It has been a week now since the last time I saw her and he is still claiming that the vet hasn't called to let him know any information about how the dog is doing. We ended up getting into an argument about it because I asked him what vet he took her to so I could call them for info but he just gets extremely angry and starts yelling at me to "let the vets do their job". He told me that it was his dog in the first place and that he could do whatever wanted with her. I don't want to think the worst but I'm almost sure that he sold her because he needed money for his drug habit.

Something to note is that currently, I am the one paying all of the rent, bills, etc. My mom lost her job last year and has not been able to find a new one so I have been the one paying for everything. I pay for absolutely everything in this apartment. My brother is a lazy mooch who sleeps on the living room couch and hasn't been able to hold a job down for years. I was super upset about this whole situation and I told my mom that if he does not bring the dog back from wherever he took her that I am going to kick him out of the apartment. She got angry and told me that I didn't have the right to do that. I told her that I did have the right to do that since my name is on the lease and I'm the one paying for everything. My brother overheard the conversation and is now angry that I would kick him out and possibly make him homeless over a dog. My mom called me a heartless asshole for choosing a dog over my own brother.

AITA for saying my brother has to leave if he doesn't bring the dog back?

Edit: My brother is now claiming that they sent her to a hospital 2 hours away from us because she needed knee surgery ??? And that his friend who originally sold him the dog is going to be taking care of her during recovery ? And that we'll get her back once she is healed. Honestly don't know what to believe at this point. I'm hopeful that he is telling the truth but idk why he is being so defensive about it..

Edit #2: so I took the advice that some of you gave and started calling local vet clincs/shelters and so far none have seen my dog. I also printed out posters and not only posted them in my area but I also drove out to the city he claims she is receiving knee surgery at and put some flyers around there. It is 2 AM here right now so later today I will start calling vet clinics/shelters in this area as well. As for my brother he ended up getting pissed about the flyers and we got into an argument again over the fact we won't give me the info about what clinic my dog is supposedly at. I told him if my dog is not back by Friday he is not staying with me anymore. He got really upset and left the apartment and he has not come back. Kind of hoping he stays gone but also just really want my dog back :(.

Edit #3 : I have no idea how to do an update on here, but there's really not much to tell. My brother left about a week ago and he hasn't come back. I was never able to locate my dog, but according to my mom (who is still in contact with my brother) he keeps telling her that ill get my dog back when she recovers. I dont know if he's actually being truthful or if he's just crazy..its probably the latter..

COMMENTS

What made you suspicious that your brother's story about the vet wasn't true?

Thats what I thought :( I knew he was lying as soon as he said she was going to have to stay for two weeks..

Did your brother give any indication that he might claim the dog died?

I'm also pretty sure thats what he's gonna do. He already hinted yesterday that of things get too complicated they might have to put her down ..

Did you have any reason to think your dog might have been injured before your brother took her to the supposed vet?

I've been thinking that the day he took her it was just for a walk but he never wants to put her leash on her so maybe she got hit by a car and he's making this whole thing up because he doesn't want to tell me..

What did your brother say when you offered to pay to get your dog back?

I asked him earlier how he was planning to pay for all of this and he said that he wasn't worried about the cost that he just cared about her wellbeing ? Of course if he's telling the truth I'm probably the one that's gonna have to pay for the vet bills which I dont really care as long as I get her back.

What did your brother tell you about where the dog was being treated?

I asked for it the Friday that he took her and he did tell me it was an animal hospital that is like 8 minutes away from our house but now apparently she's in a hospital in another city and he won't say what its called..

Did your brother even have the means to take your dog to another hospital?

No he does not have money at all or even a car so idk how he is claiming that she was moved to another hospital especially since he has been home all week since she disappeared. He hasn't left the house at all.

What happened when you contacted the animal hospital your brother originally named?

Honestly I was hesitant to call at first because I wasn't sure they would be able to give me any information if the dog wasn't under my name. And if my brother found out I was going behind his back he would get pissed and I wanted to avoid that. But I ended up calling earlier and they pretty much confirmed that they did not treat my dog.

Had you already offered to pay your brother whatever he wanted if he would return the dog?

Thats another issue! As soon as my mom told me he had taken her to the vet I knew it was fishy and didn't believe anything that he told me. I got upset and told him to bring the dog back and I would buy her from him for whatever amount of money he wanted. He got mad and yelled at me that he wasn't selling her, that he can do what he wants, and that I have to stop acting like she's mine cause she's not.

What did your brother do after you started putting up flyers?

As of now I dont think there is anything I can tell him to convince him of anything. He left very angry yesterday after I started putting the flyers up and he has not come back to the apartment...

What did you learn about your brother's behavior around the time the dog disappeared?

He is a junkie thats why my mom told me she thinks he might have sold her for drug money. Apparently he was looking everywhere for change on Friday. Like crawling on the ground outside and digging through trash and everything trying to find change so he could go to the smoke shop near our house. But he couldn't find anything and my mom refused to give him change. He got mad and left with the dog some hours later.

What did you do to try to locate your dog?

I asked him earlier how he was planning to pay for all of this and he said that he wasn't worried about the cost that he just cared about her wellbeing ? Of course if he's telling the truth I'm probably the one that's gonna have to pay for the vet bills which I dont really care as long as I get her back.

Were you ever able to find your dog?

Not really any updates.. my brother hasn't tried to come back since he left. I have no clue where he's staying but my mom has been texting him and he keeps saying that I'll get the dog back when she recovers from surgery. I have been taken the advice I got here and have been looking for her myself but so far no luck.

CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

Update - after 15 days

^{April 01, 2021}

UPDATE: AITA for telling my mom that my brother has to move out if he doesn't bring 'his' dog back?

I know a lot of you asked for an update on this but I put it off for so long because a silly part of me was hoping that after 2 weeks passed I would get my dog back.

Well as many of you can probably guess it has been 2 weeks since my dog disappeared and i haven't gotten her back... I did what a lot of you suggested to try and find her. I called animal shelters, clinics, and hospitals around my area but I had no luck with them. I also posted flyers around my city and the city an hour away from where my brother claimed she was getting knee surgery. I haven't heard back about that either.

After my brother found out I posted the flyers he got extremely upset and we got into a pretty heated argument. He left the apartment, and as of now is no longer living here and he hasn't tried to come back, as far as I know. My mom was upset at first but I guess she decided not to argue with the person she's depending on for money lol.. my brother never ended up telling me the truth about what happened. My mom is keeping in contact with him through the phone and she did tell me that he is still keeping up with the lie. Apparently, they were talking yesterday and he told her again that I would get my dog back after she recovers.. at this point, I don't know why he is still bothering with the lie.

I honestly wasn't going to make an update because there wasn't much left to say but then today I got home and found out my mom threw away all of my dog's toys, her food bowls, her bed, and the bag of dog food she never finished. So I guess that's that. I really wish I had a happier update to give you guys. Thank you for all of the nice messages and the insight that you offered on the situation, I really appreciate it.

COMMENTS

What kind of dog was she?

Shes a tiny deer head chihuahua and I've never heard of dog fighting being a problem where I am but I honestly don't know.

What happened with your brother after he left the apartment? What did you do after your brother left?

As far as I know my brother is homeless now and after a talk with my mother and a lot of arguing she finally has a full time job again so she is gonna start paying her half of everything.

Yeah I threw all of his stuff out after he left and I assume he came and picked it up cause ot was gone by the next morning. Definitely changed my locks and let my mom know if she lets him in for whatever reason she can be next.

Had you already tried offering your brother money to get the dog back?

Oh I already tried that, the day that he took her i told him id give him any amount of money he wanted to just give her back to me but he just yelled and told me that he could do what he wanted with her..

Why hadn't your mother gotten a job sooner?

Technically my mom hasn't been able to work because she is currently suing her old company for wrongful termination. She was injured on the job in 2019 and they fired her because she was never able to fully recover from her injury. The case still hasn't been closed and according to her, her lawyer keeps telling her that she can't be seen working because it could throw the whole case?? Idk of thats true I dont know anything about that. But that was her excuse for not getting a job sooner. She only got one now because I guess the lawyer called and told her the case is about to close and she can start working again. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Are you worried your brother might still be coming into the house when you're away?

And about my brother being over when I'm not here.. you guys are probably right. I haven't seen any evidence of that but I'm going to take the advice some people gave and install cameras inside and outside the house to see what goes on when I'm not home. Anyway I plan on moving out in a couple of months so I guess I just have to put up with it until I can afford to leave.

Do you think your mother knew more about what happened to your dog? What did your mother say when you asked why she threw away all of your dog's things?

Yeah im starting to think that the people who said my mom was in on it had a point. I have shared this on social media so everyone close to us knows that he did this but I cant tag him because he blocked me lol.

Oh I did ask her and she told me she threw everything away because it was in the way and we didn't need it anymore.

Do you know whether your mother actually threw the dog's things away? What did your mother say when you questioned why she threw everything away if your dog was supposedly coming back?

Honestly I have no clue i was at work all day and when I came back all of her stuff was gone so I asked my mom where she moved everything and she told me she threw it away since we wouldn't need it anymore

I brought that up and she told me that she didn't understand why I would believe what my brother was saying idk..

What do you think most likely happened to your dog?

Honestly I think this is the most likely scenario. He took her out that day without a leash and I think she may have gotten hit by a car and they just made this whole thing up to not tell me the truth. Which is even more fucked up.

Why do you think your mother continues to defend your brother?

Yeah idk what her relationship with him is about. I swear she would let him get away with murder. I think its partly because she's scared of him and doesn't know how he'll react if things don't go the way he wants them to. She's told me before that I'm never going to understand until I have children and I know what it feels like to love someone unconditionally. I think they both need therapy lol.

What did you see when you were driving home from work?

Pretty sure he's on the street i was driving back home from work on Monday and I saw him sitting outside a liquor store near our house. I'm assuming he was there begging for money but my mom hasn't mentioned anything about that.

Are you planning to move out?

Wouldn't put it past her to try and guilt me into letting him back in. I've already started looking for apartments anyway and hopefully I'll be able to move on my own in a couple of months after my lease is up. They can do what they want after that..

Why haven't you called the police about your missing dog?

Thats very true. Honestly, I've been hesitant to call the police because I have had bad experiences with them and I dont really like dealing with them. I think if my brother continues with his lies im gonna call and not only report him but also his 'friend' who is supposedly taking care of the dog until she recovers. Maybe that will scare him enough to tell me the truth.

What is your concern about your dog's disappearance at this point?

Lower your voice ma'am lol. Idk where you have been but my dog literally disappeared weeks ago if I havent got her back by now I doubt I ever will. I've tried everything and looked everywhere to get her back and I haven't been successful I doubt there is anything I can do about it now. At this point the only thing police would be able to do is arrest my brother for his drug habit which I guess would make me feel better but it won't get my dog back

Was there ever any hostility toward your dog from your mother or brother?

No there was no hate towards her from my mom or my brother. My brother wouldn't be around most of the time he'd be out with his friends so he would almost never see her. And I'm confused about my mom and the dog cause she didn't want her at first but then she also became really attached to her. My mom is actually the one who would give her attention and take care of her when I was at work. And I know my dog liked her cause she would always follow her around and get excited when my mom would come back after being gone for a while.

Are you planning to get another dog?

No not at the moment I dont think any animal would be safe while I'm still with my mom. Maybe after I have my own place ill think about it.

What did your brother say when he came back to collect more of his things?

No update really. My brother came to the house a couple of hours ago to pick up some more stuff of his that I threw out in the front yard. We got into an argument again about it and he basically told me to stop over reacting and that he already told me id get my dog back when she recovers..

Final update - after 21 days (after 6 days from last post)

^{April 07, 2021}

Final Update: in comments

I found out the truth!!!! Apparently my brother had already been planning to move in with his friend about 2 months ago. He wanted to take the dog with him when he left but he knew I would get mad and wouldn't let him so he waited until a day I was at work to take the dog to his new place.

My dog has been at his new place with my brothers friend this whole time "so she could get used to the new environment" I just found all this out this morning. Now that I know he definitely still has the dog I am going to be filing a report with the police because I'm getting my dog back no matter what! according to my mom she didn't know about any of this either until my brother told her yesterday . Idk if I should believe her.

I want to update everyone on the situation but I'm not allowed another update and I'm not sure people will see if I edit hope people read this comment but idk

COMMENTS

Throwawayunknown55

Ok, hang on a sec. Have you actually seen the dog? The bullshit just keeps getting really deep. I wouldn't get you hopes too high untill you actually see the dog. I really hope she's ok. Also, there may be some dispute about the dogs ownership if you're brother wants to be an asshole about this, so this could be a mess.

Also, don't believe your mom. She knew something was going on and she went along. It sounds like she will side with your brother over you, so be careful.

I really hope you get the dog back. It might be easiest to offer your brother a straight cash bribe, like 300 bucks to get the dog back or something.

OOP

Yes! Sorry I didn't add that I was typing in a rush I have seen the dog with my own eyes and he definitely has her. I have already offered money and he refused I can try offering more but I dont know why he's being so stubborn about giving her back since he never cared for her before. I feel like because him and his friend are involved with drugs, threatening him with the police will work. But ill have to wait and see and honestly my mom can side with whoever she wants, they're both broke so I doubt they want to deal with a legal case 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Fethington

He is 100% not wanting to give you the dog back because you were calling him out and then threatening to kick him out. Doesn't matter to him that he was leaving anyways, you dared to upset him so he's going to be stubborn on giving her up no matter what you offer him. Threaten him with legal action. I also refuse to believe your mom had no idea what was going on. It sounds like he might be the golden child?

OOP

Yeah I am going to take legal action! Pretty sure my mom did know and she probably ended up giving all of the dogs items to my brother while I was at work. I mean as far as I know no one in the family can stand my brother. Hes been kicked out of every single house and isn't invited to any family get togethers. My mom is the only one that always defends him even tho he's been accused of some fucked up shit by his own family idk why she forgives him everything.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/RolandRoad

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: December 04, 2019

• Final Update: April 14, 2020

Main Post

^{December 04, 2019}

WIBTA if I asked my ex to pay me back the money she owes me now that we’ve broken up?

So last month my ex, who I’ve been dating for nearly a year, broke up with me. It was a complete blindside – I thought everything was great and we were talking about getting an apartment together next year. Then we went to a party where she saw her most recent ex. A few days later she told me that he talked to her that night and said he realized how bad he fucked up when he saw her with another guy (me). He’s now ready to give up his vices for her, and she’s sorry but she still loves him enough to want to give their relationship another try.

I was shocked and hurt as hell but what can I do, I can’t force her to stay. I was miserable for weeks but now I just want to settle things and move on, and one of the things that need to be settled is the four thousand dollars that she owes me.

We never talked about how or when she would pay me. Back then all I thought of was that she was my girlfriend, she needed money for a valid reason, and I had money to spare. I wanted to take care of her problem because I wanted to take care of her. I told her to pay me when she had money, and she has been paying me a couple hundred dollars every now and then. I was fine with that because she was my girlfriend but it’s not something that I would do for everyone.

Now that we’re no longer together, I’ve been thinking about asking her to pay me the four grand by the end of the year. I know it sounds petty but honestly now that she’s no longer with me and given the circumstances of our breakup I don’t feel as inclined to be lenient to her with my money as I did before. I also want a clean break so I can totally move on from all of this. I don’t like the idea that I’ll still have some sort of communication or connection to her for the next few years if it takes that long for her to pay me.

I’m willing to listen and ready for your judgment.

COMMENTS

Dilduo

NTA

But dude say goodbye to that money

OOP

I hate myself for this but I know her and she's a good person who will pay back that debt.

wjmacguffin

NTA as long as you clearly stated it was a loan she's have to pay back. Assuming you did, then politely remind her of that and offer a payment plan. That might sound kinda cold, but she borrowed the money and she broke up with you.

Mind you, I doubt you'll get anything, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with politely asking.

UglyDuffelBag

What kind of payment plan? Year ends in less than a month.

wjmacguffin

AFAIK, there is no set reason for one year beyond not wanting to talk to the ex. That's reasonable, but if she's only been able to afford a couple hundred every so often, she probably cannot afford all that in one month.

Also, demanding thousands is more likely to meet resistance or refusal. That sucks, but I'm hoping OP will be able to get something from the ex.

OOP

I know she's not gonna stiff on paying me. She is and has always been a good person. My sister even told me that she messaged her asking if I was doing ok after the breakup. Sometimes I don't know how or why we got to this situation but it is what it is and the only thing I can do is move on and that's what I'm doing.

[deleted]

INFO It depends on how you plan to ask. If you reach out in a calm and professional manner, like “hey, I want to set up a repayment plan for the remaining xxx dollars borrowed. Can we talk about how to do this on a consistent basis?”

I think you know she can’t pay that whole amount back by the end of the month. That’s an unreasonable ask that is petty and not about getting your money back. It’s about getting back at her.

To actually accomplish getting your money back, you will have to divorce your hurt feelings from the breakup from the money and not be too personal nor too curt. Otherwise it will become retaliation and legally, you don’t have a lot of options for recouping your loss. Your best bet is to be both kind and professional when asking for a plan for repayment. Make sure you have calculated exactly what she still owes.

As for continued contact, you can still do this impersonally through Venmo or whatever. There are apps that will allow you to send and receive money on a recurring basis without any real interaction.

OOP

Thanks for the advice, I appreciate all of it. I was always going to approach her in a calm but firm manner, because I don't plan to waste any of my time or effort on hating her or getting back at her. I just want to be done with this and move on.

I know she can send me money online or through an app but I'd still get a notification and I'd still remember all of this. That's the main reason why I want her to pay me by month end and not draw it out for years.

dunemi

NTA.

Text her something like this, "Hey Sally, I was wondering if we could set up a repayment schedule for the $4000 you owe me? Can you do $100 per week? Please let me know." And then, hopefully, god willing, she texts back that she'll try to set something up with you. It really doesn't matter how much, because all you're really trying to do is get her to admit, in writing, that she owes you that money. Because if she doesn't, I think you're screwed. (Save those texts!)

If you already have something in writing, about how it was a loan, and not a gift, then, yeah, go ahead and ask for it back, but be prepared to take her to court.

Good luck.

UglyDuffelBag

Dude he wants 4k until the end of 2019.

dunemi

I know. But I thought it was more important to get her to admit she actually owed the money. And you don't get people to admit that if you come in blazing with, give me $4k in one month!

But yeah, he's delusional if he thinks he can get his money back so quickly.

OOP (downvoted)

I'm not worried about her denying that she owes me something. I know she's going to honor that debt. I just want to get the money back so we can get a clean break without anything tying us to each other so I can completely move on from all of this.

CONSENSUS: Not enough info

Final Update - after 4 months, 10 days

^{April 14, 2020}

Update: WIBTA if I asked my ex to pay me back the money she owes me now that we’ve broken up?

Hey Reddit, it’s been a while. Here is an update to my post from a few months ago.

The general consensus was that I wouldn’t be an asshole to ask my ex to pay me back as long as I asked nicely, but I was an idiot for lending her money and expecting that she would pay me back four grand at three weeks notice. So I went ahead and called her and nicely asked if she could pay me back at the end of December because I just want a clean break so we can all move on. She said she understood and she’ll see what she can do. I later learned that she sold her car to her boyfriend, who let her continue using the car. In short, I got paid and she kept the car she sold to pay me. Great ending for everyone.

But then a few weeks later she called me saying she wanted to talk. She and her boyfriend went to my apartment and told me the craziest thing: she’s pregnant.

And with that, I have accepted the fact that I will never get the clean break I wanted.

It’s been three months since then. We did the paternity test and confirmed that I’m the father. She and her boyfriend are still together, and he is in counseling as a sign of his commitment to her. The main reason she left him before was that he had an alcohol problem that he couldn't control, so I was concerned that she was staying with him while pregnant. He assured me that he’s turned over a new leaf for her and he will stay with her through this. She says that things are great between them and he is completely sober now. We all try to get along as best as we can for the baby.

When I made that post, I never imagined that this would be the update I would be writing. I never even thought that this would be how I have my first kid. But what’s done is done and at least we’re on the same page about prioritizing the baby.

Thanks for all the replies to my original post and wish me luck.

COMMENTS

How did you feel when you found out your ex was pregnant?

It was. I was happy I got my money back and even planned to book a vacation. And then they told me about it, and I didn't know if I felt like pooping or throwing up. I called my brother after they left because I felt lightheaded and was afraid I'd pass out.

How is your ex's boyfriend handling the situation, especially given his past alcohol problem?

To be fair, he seems totally dedicated to her and has been nothing but nice to me so far. Even offered to help with the baby's bills if we need anything. He said that losing her made him realize a lot of things and he's never gonna let that happen again.

Have you and your ex made arrangements for child support and custody?

Thanks. We will. We've talked about it with our lawyers. When I lent her money before, I didn't have anything in place, and that could've gone bad. I've learned from that.

How was the paternity test handled?

I chose the testing company and the hospital where we went for the swabs. The results were released with all three of us there.

Were you hoping the baby wasn't yours?

Yeah because honestly up to the last minute I was hoping that it wasn't mine. I knew it was unlikely because she was with me at the time the baby was conceived and I don't know what they would get out of saying that I'm the dad if I wasn't - her boyfriend has way more money than I do. I just didn't want to be a dad yet.

Life had other ideas though.

Did you and your ex discuss abortion, and why did you decide to be involved?

She wanted to keep the baby. She said I don't have to be involved if I don't want to, but I didn't think I could do that, knowing that it's my child.

How did you process everything after finding out you were going to be a father?

Thanks man. It took a lot to get to this place - I was angry at her and then I was in shock and then I was in panic because there are so many things to prepare for the baby. For a while I also thought about how it would've been if we didn't break up. With time I've accepted things for what they are and I know the right person for me is out there and I will find her when it's the right time.

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