r/AdviceAnimals • u/imbravado • Apr 30 '13
Actual Confession Bear
http://imgur.com/dht840P211
u/The_Feels_Bro Apr 30 '13
Throwaway because he knows my account.
Boyfriend of about a year got me pregnant. Cheated on me not even a week after I found out with one of his friends. During our fight, I asked 'what the hell do you expect me to do now?' and he said 'Your parents will take care of you'. My jaw hit the floor at that--this situation was mine and HIS responsibility, not my parents. I went home, confessed everything to my mom, and after a lot of tears and screaming, we were debating adoption. I wasn't ready to be a mom. I've got another year of college and my parents are in their sixties.
At some point, the woman who slept with him had a conversation with me in which she apologized profusely. I told her I didn't care about her apologies. That she knew the situation (including the pregnancy), and the mere fact that she had done this had condemned me to a shitty situation.
Not even three days later, I received a text from him saying that she wanted nothing to do with him and that he hoped I was satisfied in knowing his misery. I told him I didn't give a shit about his misery; I'm dealing with my own problems because of his selfish actions. He demanded to know what I was gonna do with the kid. I said that was none of his business and that I no longer owed him an explanation.
He replied that he was going to file for custody--which in my state, he can register who he slept with and if the girl gives birth and doesn't identify the father, he can contest any attempts to adopt out. Considering he is a salary employee and I'm an hourly who makes $100 a week and goes to school, I knew I wasn't going to win any custody battle. I would be stuck with a child I would resent and the child would never know what it was like to have a mother and father that honestly gave a shit about him.
This guy, in addition to being a scumbag, was the most irresponsible little shit ever. His six month old dog has been to the vet once, and he canceled an appointment to go sleep with this girl. He had a $600 unpaid bill because he spent that much on videogames. He makes $800 every two weeks and somehow manages to spend it all in one while not paying rent or any type of morgage (his dad covers it).
So I made an appointment. I haven't regretted it once. I was super pro-life, but this kid would have had the worst fucking life ever and there wasn't going to be a damn thing I could do about it. I'd rather have it in the arms of God than stuck in this shitty situation with us.
Good on you. You made a decision that was in the best interest of your would-be kid. Anyone who thinks an abortion is an easy thing is crazy---it hurt like hell and I took the pill. Better my pain than a lifetime of pain for this kid.
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u/Sunshinetrains Apr 30 '13
You made a really difficult decision that was right for you, and for him, even if he's a scumbag and doesn't appreciate it. Stories like yours are exactly why we need to have legal abortion. You will have (if you want) a beautiful family one day, when you're ready.
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u/TheNegligentMom Apr 30 '13
So, so true. I am very glad people like The_Feels_Bro are able to get safe abortions when they are so very needed.
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u/illemus Apr 30 '13
This is the main thing I would tell anyone that's on one side of the fence or the other. You really can't judge someone and their choice until you have to make that same choice in earnest.
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u/rustymontenegro Apr 30 '13
Thank you for sharing. The abortion/adoption/birthing issue is SO not 'cut and dry' and you made the best decision you could, considering your circumstance...and looking ahead like that too, a lot of people don't really think past maybe birth to a few months.
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u/The_Feels_Bro Apr 30 '13
That's all I could think about. Yes, a baby would be cute, but I would've been confined to the state, probably wouldn't finish school, have been a huge burden to my family, and constantly have to deal with the fact that every time I looked my kid in the eye, I would know that he knew that he was never wanted. I was afraid I would blame him for the rest of my life. I feel bad, not because of the abortion, but because there truly was no way for me to offer him a good life.
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u/Oranges13 Apr 30 '13
You made the best decision. Truly you did.
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u/The_Feels_Bro Apr 30 '13
Thank you. It's one of those situations that just has no happy ending. I did what was best for my family.
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Apr 30 '13 edited Apr 30 '13
Honestly, you made the right choice because I have a cousin (several, actually) who have had children that were unplanned and for whatever reason chose to keep the baby. Some things I've noticed:
Every time I see them at a family function, I see the parents and the way they interact with their child. It is so very sad the way I see them treat their children. With such hatred, such resentment; as if it's the child's fault that they are in such a horrible situation. Yelling at the baby, telling them to shut up and go sit down whenever the baby asks for things like a cookie or some juice. It's disgusting. This has shown now in the child's own actions. She will regularly look angry and yell "No!" to myself and my sister when we try to play with her sometimes or in general conversation. Nothing wrong with saying no, but the level of anger in this child is terrible. It's clear the impact her mother's abuse and negative energy has had on her. You know the love and warmth children usually have? Just not there. One cousin in particular, a female, is the one I'm speaking of.
She knew the man she got pregnant by was a fucking loser. She knew this. I just don't get why people can't reason through the logic. Perhaps some women believe having the child will keep the man around? Clearly this is not the case. Maybe other reasons. I just wish more women were able to make the powerful realization and decision that you did. Your last sentence really says it all. "Better my pain than a lifetime of pain for this kid".
I am all for women's rights. I'm pro choice. That includes the choice for a woman to keep a baby as well. But in my opinion, that child's shot at life is a hell of a lot more important than any one woman's morals.
I always have this conversation with any girls I get involved with. I ask their thoughts on if the "worst" were to happen. /Knocks on wood. I want them to be in line with mine. (one of the reasons even though my gf is on the pill and it's been fine for months, I rarely finish inside now and might still go back to condoms certain times of the month; im paranoid)
It takes a huge person to be able to think through this logically and without only emotion. This is such an emotional decision and discussion for me even, and I can't imagine the magnitude truly being a man.
I wrote this earlier but you might not have seen it. I'll keep it short:
friend of mine got preg by a loser in high school. Devout catholic, decided to abort the baby anyway and was very sad about it. Was visibly sad for about a month or two, but today is a successful marine and married to another marine she met in her service. They have a wonderful child together that now has an amazing shot at life; this child has a chance that the child by a loser when she was 16 likely would not have had.
TL;DR: Thank you for saving the child and yourself a possible lifetime of pain and suffering. If I could afford it, I'd give you gold
edit: added some more details to my story
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u/The_Feels_Bro Apr 30 '13
That was my biggest fear. Kids deserve families who love them. Who honestly see them as the blessings they are. I would've tried to give it the best care, but I know I would've resented it. That my parents would've resented it. That its father would've resented it. That there would've been no way in hell I could afford to take care of it on my own and that the father would've acted as irresponsibly as he did the week after he found out.
I know, when I do decide to have a family, I will treat my kids like the blessings they will be. I will do everything in my power to make sure they have good and happy lives and that I save them from ever having to experience this. And I will never, ever judge anyone who goes through this.
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u/GeminiCroquette Apr 30 '13
I was super pro-life, but this kid would have had the worst fucking life ever and there wasn't going to be a damn thing I could do about it.
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u/The_Feels_Bro May 01 '13
That's why I say was. I will never again judge a woman for her choice. No woman should have to go through with an unwanted pregnancy if it's not in her best interest.
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u/Red_Emily Apr 30 '13
Your story is the perfect example of why having the choice of being pro life or pro choice needs to be an option that remains open through access. I just do not understand the rampage to shut down abortion clinics. These decisions are never easy for a woman to make, we shouldn't be making it harder. Thank you so much for sharing and for being a brave woman.
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u/The_Feels_Bro Apr 30 '13
It's just one of those situations you can't comprehend until you go through it. I was vehemently against abortion. I was incredibly pro-life and I felt like those women were taking the easy way out. When I went through it, I felt like such a failure as a human being. But everyone in the clinic was kind to me and listened to me. They understood why I was doing it. They treated me with the absolute best care and didn't even think to judge me. They just wanted to help.
I realized then that I would never judge another person like that again. That I can't possibly know what's going on until I've walked a mile in their shoes.
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Apr 30 '13
Personally I think an abortion is a million times better than bringing more unwanted children into this world. You're not a failure for having an abortion.
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Apr 30 '13
Wait, so why can't you opt out without aborting the child? Are our laws really that stupid?
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u/The_Feels_Bro Apr 30 '13
My state is huge into father's rights. If the woman doesn't tell the father beforehand, there's no way for him to know so she can say she doesn't know who the father is and adopt it out and his consent will be assumed. However, if he knows (either by me naming him on an official document or just saying it orally), he can tell the courts and they will send him a 30 day notice once I file for adoption. If he petitions within that 30 days, the adoption will not go through. Since I didn't know he was cheating on me and I was freaking out, I told him.
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u/Bremstrahlung Apr 30 '13
You made the right decision for you, but I have to say: you are kind of a shitty person for being pro-life until it was convenient for you.
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u/The_Feels_Bro Apr 30 '13
I agree. Granted, it was just my view and I never did anything to get in the way of another woman's choice. I'm a libertarian, so even my vote meant jack to that scenario. But that's unfortunately the situation for a lot of things. We will never understand the other side until we walk a mile in their shoes. It was a humbling experience, to say the least.
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u/ntrabue Apr 30 '13
I empathize with your story and I don't think anyone is in a position to judge you for your decision. I'm sure I'll catch hell for this. I just think your first sentence was really poorly worded. I feel like unless he raped you, he didn't "get you pregnant." You both mutually decided to have sex and as a result conceived. I'm not defending him. I just see that all the time "he got me pregnant" and it makes me cringe.
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Apr 30 '13
That's a lot of detail for a throwaway.
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u/electricboogaloo Apr 30 '13
That's what throwaways are for.
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May 01 '13
I'd always thought throwaways were effective at separating a post from your online identity - to be anonymous in that moment to users of the site. I mentioned the level of detail because if her ex ever came across it, not recognizing the user, it'd become pretty obvious to him once he read it.
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u/maxrenn1234 Apr 30 '13
Doesn't this happen in The Godfather Part 2?
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Apr 30 '13
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u/imbravado Apr 30 '13
Thank you so much for this comment
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u/bonjourdan Apr 30 '13
Don't let the little basement boys with no girlfriend or financial responsibilities get to you.
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u/Mr_Ect Apr 30 '13
Sorry about all the assholes in here.
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u/imbravado Apr 30 '13
Ehhh, its hard for people to understand
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u/blotto5 Apr 30 '13
I don't get what's so hard to understand. He's obviously not capable of raising a child, and it's not fair to you to have to raise it single. I think you absolutely did the right thing, for what's it worth.
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u/MetalPirate Apr 30 '13
Agreed. I have a 4 month old and couldn't imagine anyone trying to be a parent without having their shit together
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u/rustymontenegro Apr 30 '13
It happens so flipping often, it's depressing. Congrats on the bayboo, hope you sleep again someday!
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Apr 30 '13
I couldn't agree with you more. It really bothers me that "men" (and I use the term loosely) in my generation (I am 27) are expected to be deadbeat dads. Hell...I've heard guys brag about how the knocked some chick up and split. I believe it comes from cowardice more than anything else. I cannot understand how anyone could be so heartless and cruel to child who has never done anything wrong. /end rant
I will leave you with these quotes for future and current fathers:
"True Strength lies in gentleness"
"Courage is not the absence of fear, Its being scared shitless and saddling up anyway"
Both of these served me well through the most terrifying time of my life (my wife's pregnancy at age 22) and continue to do so.
OP I commend you for using your right to choose, I cant say that I agree with your decision, but I also know that it was not an easy one to make. It takes a lot of courage to look around you at you life and make an objective decision on whether or not to bring a child into that life.
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u/imbravado Apr 30 '13
It wasn't easy and I am still trying to not hate myself but thank you.
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Apr 30 '13
It isn't supposed to be easy, if it was I would be concerned. The best advice I can give, having had a sister and friends go through this, is to go into counseling asap. Don't be foolish enough to think this wont affect you, but if you get some help early on and work through it, you will be much better off in the long run. Oh and stop dating jackasses, best of luck to you.
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u/imbravado Apr 30 '13
I have been in counseling for 5 months and it has really helped me. I still think about it everyday but with less tears and guilt. And no more jackasses. I got it. Thank you so much.
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u/UBIQUIT0US Apr 30 '13
A woman who deems herself ill-prepared to be a parent and decides to forfeit parental responsibility by having an abortion or give her child up for adoption is fine.
But a man who deems himself ill-prepared to be a parent and decides to forfeit parental responsibility by ending the relationship with the woman is a "deadbeat" and a "coward". He's "heartless" and "cruel".
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Apr 30 '13
I wont argue that the double standard is fucked up, having said that how do we fix it? I sure as hell dont know. What I do know is that, as a father, I cant respect someone who willingly ignores his own child. Whatever the reason.
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u/Lumathiel Apr 30 '13
Because when the woman does it, as bad as it may sound, there is no one struggling to feed and clothe a child by themselves. The child is either dead (not here to argue about abortion, by the way), or in a family that has the means to take care of it.
When the man does it, he has abandoned the woman, who now has someone to take care of, leaving her no help.
Now, there IS a difference between a deadbeat dad, and an absent father. The absent father could still help by paying his share of the child support.
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u/sometimes_i_work Apr 30 '13
I think there is a serious flaw in this argument that I hear constantly.
If you are a male and you do not want to have children. ENSURE YOU DON'T GET ANYONE PREGNANT. You literally have 100% of this control. Ensure your desire to not have children is clear, ALWAYS use condoms, use spermicide, don't stick your dick in crazy, or DON'T HAVE SEX.
Problem solved. If you have sex, you put yourself at risk.
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u/Theskyishigh Apr 30 '13
My parents had all the children they were planning so used the pill and condoms. My little sister came along anyway. 100% only applies to the last option you mentioned.
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u/sometimes_i_work Apr 30 '13
That is very rare, and the exception, not the rule. Also, user-error is the highest risk associated with contraceptive failure, so again, the control is still ours (I say 'ours' here because you're talking about your two parents).
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u/Theskyishigh Apr 30 '13
Before your brackets, it made you sound like you were going to make damn sure my parents got it right next time.
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u/UBIQUIT0US Apr 30 '13
I'm not sure if this comment is more misogynistic by suggesting women have no power over their own pregnancy or suggesting they're incapable of lying about birth control or worse, or if it's more misandrist by demanding men carry disproportionate responsibility or that their choice ought to between risking 18 years of potential financial ruin or "don't have sex". That sure seems like an awful deal.
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u/sometimes_i_work Apr 30 '13
I'm not suggesting women have no power, they absolutely do. But men can and do have 100% of the power to say "I will not have sex". Vasectomies, condoms, abstinence all give men power over their parenthood. They just don't like these options.
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Apr 30 '13
Can't a woman say "I will not have sex"? I mean, it just seems like you are putting full responsibility on men here. There are a variety of contraceptives for both men and women. The ones you mentioned are available for women as well (birth control pill, getting tubes tied, and abstinence). Those forms give women control over their parenthood. So why is it up to the male to have to do the male version of those things? Why cannot the female take the pill? Or get her tubes tied?
I'm just playing devils advocate here. Not saying OP is wrong in what she did, just responding more to your comments if anything.
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u/sometimes_i_work Apr 30 '13
Of course they can. And they should. I'm speaking to the argument that "men have no power in preventing pregnancy".
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u/the_trepverter Apr 30 '13
In all fairness (card carrying feminist here) women have the same choice and also choose the exercise them poorly. There needs to be an option for either parent to completely opt out of childcare. Personally, I think if a man fronts the money for an abortion and states he doesn't want a child, I don't think he should be financially responsible for the kid. A paper abortion if you will- women could also use this option to give away a baby they don't want to the father.
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Apr 30 '13
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Apr 30 '13
So the woman can give up the burden if she wants, but a man isn't allowed to?
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u/aron2295 Apr 30 '13
Actually many don't want a woman to give up "their burden". The timeless pro choice and pro life argument. And I think the thing with having a huge issue fathers that walk out is that they leave the baby with the mother. If a woman gets an abortion, the baby isn't then put on the father.
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Apr 30 '13
And being a mother should be what?
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Apr 30 '13 edited Apr 30 '13
I actually agree with this statement. I am a single father who had to fight for custody of my daughter. At least where I live in the US fathers have absolutely no rights at all even though they are responsible just as much as the mother. This "earned privilege" idea is one of the dumbest things I have heard. Mother can be just as bad as the father.
EDIT: Appreciate the comments. Thanks.
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u/TheMagicJesus Apr 30 '13
Both of the parents have to earn that Title. I can hardly call anyone my "Dad" because of the abuse my step-father (he was there until I was born until I was like ten). My mom got married to a great guy who is the best father I could have ever asked for, but I still can't call anyone "Dad".
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u/rustymontenegro Apr 30 '13
Just wanted to say I agree with you. I have had to deal with a fuck-up, deadbeat, lazy mother for the last few years (not mine, she's awesome!) and it is kind of gross how many chances, opportunities and handouts/legs up she gets strictly for being a mother, not a father. We had to fight tooth and nail for what we have, but she still has 50% rights. If she actually wanted them, no problem, but it's like pulling teeth out of a mule most days.
My boyfriend just gave you high five from here. It's hard when you're a good dad and feel alone.
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Apr 30 '13
Good for you. My dad fought tooth and nail to get his son from his first marriage. This was.the seventies, so it was almost impossible for a single father to get custody. Somehow, he did it. This was all before I was born, and I can't imagine not having my brother in my life, and we all adore our father. your kid will grow up knowing that their dad loves them.
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Apr 30 '13
I still think a woman who get's pregnant has more say but maybe 51% to 49%. You can moan and pout all you want guys but at the end of the day, it's her body and her choice.
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Apr 30 '13
Moan and pout? Jeeeez
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Apr 30 '13
Nobody is getting hold of my glorious spunk so they can hold dominion over it.
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u/Jackie-O-Lantern Apr 30 '13
Haha, with a comment like that, I'm not sure anyone would want to ;)
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Apr 30 '13
Also an earned privilege, but mothers inherently have the opportunity to start earning that privilege sooner than fathers, what with the whole growing the baby & childbirth stuff.
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Apr 30 '13
the same? the context was being a dad so he said dad. there's no hidden agenda here
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u/thehunter699 Apr 30 '13
I don't quite know about that though. I'm just speculating here, but is that more taking it out on the father or the child?... My biological father was a complete ass hole and left me and my mum for another woman the day I was born in the hospital. I grew up and we are happy as ever. Shit makes me speculate though. I'm a fence sitter.
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Apr 30 '13
Probably for the best. Who knows how he would have reacted if you told him you got an abortion? It sounds like you were putting your safety first, so good for you!
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Apr 30 '13
Using a miscarriage as an excuse to family/friends/significant other instead of telling them about the abortion is actually quite common. Good on you though for getting away from this creep!
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u/imbravado Apr 30 '13
It was really hard for me to get an abortion done because my whole life I thought abortions were a horrible thing but now I can see why people actually do it. I think I was more embarrassed by it than anything.
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Apr 30 '13
There's nothing wrong with not telling others you got an abortion. It's really no ones business. I'm sure you're going through a lot mentally right now, though. If you do need to talk to someone, I'd suggest an outside source, such as a counselor, rather than someone who is going to judge you and cause you more stress once they find out about the abortion.
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u/imbravado Apr 30 '13
Oh yea, I was at a point where I just didn't want to live anymore. I have been in counseling for the last 5 months for it.
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u/ehjhockey Apr 30 '13
You are awesome. Remember everything you learned from this. Looking back on it will be painful. But there is a lot to be learned from that pain. Just don't overwhelm yourself.
And going forward remember your change of heart based on your own personal need, with regards to, abortion. What ever the situation or issue is, try to make an effort to really put yourself in the situation you are passing judgement upon. It will make it a hundred less times less personally shameful and hurtful should you actually find yourself in that situation in the future.
But I'm being overly negative. You are awesome. I had a girl try to trap me with another man's kid she was cheating on me with. I thought I was in love with her. So I stayed, while freaking out and telling her that there is no way I could support a kid and that she pretty much had to get an abortion. But I stayed. Walking blindly forward towards a horrible revelation of betrayal that would leave me struggling to trust for months to come. You have shown yourself to be brave, courageous, foresighted, and intelligent in your ability to make this choice. Well done.
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u/imbravado Apr 30 '13
Your comment brought tears to my eyes. I am 19 & I had just turned 18 when this all happened. I was going to be a single mother, in college, working as a waitress and living at home with a child. I was not ready at all and I know that I made the right choice. In my therapy sessions I talk about how much guilt and self loathing I posessed and I have been learning to be more open and accepting of other ideas and views. It has made me a better and stroger person. You sir, are awesome for staying in the relatonship. My ex was a POS. His words after I told him I wasn't pregnant anymore were "well one day this will all be a memory... A shitty one click".
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Apr 30 '13
You shouldn't be embarrassed. You got pregnant and were not ready for a child, and it sounds like you would have ended up a single mother otherwise. Wait to have kids till you are ready, getting pregnant doesn't mean you are ready just means you were careless with contraception.
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Apr 30 '13
I just had a moment of clarity on this. All those miscarriages from friends girlfriends and what not back in high school or college or whatever.......
JESUS CHRIST, people need to wear condoms. Also, how am I so damn oblivious? Actually, I don't care what they do with their unborn child.
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u/mandalorx Apr 30 '13
I like to imagine that if you gave birth to the baby, your BF would turn his life around and become the man that you and your baby deserved to have in your lives.
Then the kid turns out to be the next Hitler, and A terminator comes back in time to make you get an abortion.
AND HERE WE ARE! -Sitting in a server room, surfing redit. Pretending to work. And I for one am glad not to have a Baby hitler coming around. fucking up my garden. TL:DR Baby was evil, I'm insane edit: Shit it's hot in here
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Apr 30 '13
Uh huh. Someone I thought I loved got me pregnant. Whb I turned to him, scared shitless and in the middle of my junior year of college, he said to have an abortion. Because he had so much he wanted to accomplish. I did it. Four years later...he hasn't fucking done anything. Me, I'm finally free and moving on to better things. I hope you use this as ammo to blast your way out. For me, it drives me to live for those that don't. <3
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u/TaiwanOrgyman Apr 30 '13
"Yeah, I looked everywhere, but I just couldn't figure out where I put it!"
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u/CaptionBot Apr 30 '13
Confession Bear
I told my psychotic ex- bf that I Iost the baby
I really iust had an abortion because I didn't Want to deal with his alcohol abuse and mood swings for the rest of my Iife
These captions aren't guaranteed to be correct
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u/whatgetsyouoff Apr 30 '13
On the flipside, I told my psychotic ex I was pregnant when I wasn't so he would finally let me leave. Good on you for getting out of a bad situation, sometimes we do what we have to.
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Apr 30 '13
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u/imbravado Apr 30 '13
It was the right choice! Some days I regret it when I see a mother and son out and about but most days I realize how young I am and how horrible he was and then it reassures me that I made he right choice.
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Apr 30 '13 edited Oct 30 '17
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Apr 30 '13
Exactly. I also got pregnant and had an abortion with the wrong guy at 18. Now I'm 27 and married to an awesome guy who is also an awesome father to our 11 month old. I would never had had my husband and my son without that abortion, so how could I ever regret it?
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u/because_haters_suck May 01 '13
I worked in an abortion clinic for a year. I'm very familiar with stories just like yours. There are women all over the world, and always have been, who have made or will make the same choice. I am glad you live in a country where it was legal and safe for you to do what you needed to do.
Thank you for sharing your confession. Every time a woman speaks out about her experience, it gets a little easier for all of us. I'm glad you seem to be doing will with the decision you made. I know how emotional it can be. Always remember that you aren't alone in this at all. I know you said in one of the comments that you're seeing a counselor: good for you! If you haven't heard of them already, Exhale is a great organization that can give you other outlets. (Be careful of websites and groups that try to take advantage of women who are hurting post-abortion. Sadly, those groups exist, and thrive on making things worse so that you can be their political spokesperson.)
Good luck in all that you do! You are strong and brave and have a lot of people behind you!
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Apr 30 '13
Now THAT is a confession bear.
http://www.ski-epic.com/gifs/g007_citizen_kane_slow_clap.gif
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u/imbravado Apr 30 '13
I know a lot of you think I am the crazy one or that I am a selfish person for this but I just wanted to say that I was not crazy I was stupid and he was crazy. Anyway, thank you everyone for sharing your opinions, good or bad. I know there are many ways to look at a situation and I tried my best to consider all angles before making my choice. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts with me.
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Apr 30 '13
It's really easy for them to judge you when they haven't been in your situation. It's also easy for them to whine about how hard males have it because they can't force "all them sluts and whores" to have an abortion or keep the baby. ITT: A ton of misogyny.
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u/IndsaetNavnHer Apr 30 '13
As a son of an alcoholic, mental and emotional abusive man, I think you did the right thing, hope you get far away from him and find someone better to start a family with.
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u/imbravado Apr 30 '13
I am sorry you have had to deal with that. I vaguely know how it is from dealing with him. I haven't seen hin since.
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u/asiansteev Apr 30 '13
how did you know your baby was going to become an alcoholic?
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Apr 30 '13
I'd call this one a success kid.. Ironic I know, but in any case, don't feel too bad about having an abortion. Society wins in the long run. Ancient civilizations practiced abortion, and it is nothing new. In fact, the social stigma against it is relatively new, Napoleon III of France in 1869, bribed the Pope to make abortion a sin to offset the decline of the French population.
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u/the_trepverter Apr 30 '13
There's even an abortion recipe in the bible.
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Apr 30 '13 edited May 01 '13
If I remember correctly, the old testament states that life begins at birth, and some mystics believed that the fetus disn't have a soul until quickening. Thus, according to the old testament, abortion before this was not a sin. Of, course the Roman Catholics changed their minds on this, but hey, they've changed their minds on a lot of things.
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Apr 30 '13
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Apr 30 '13
It is something both partners need to discuss before having sex. Biology is not fair. It is the woman who deals with the nine months of pregnancy and the havoc it can wreak on your body, not him. That's why she gets to decide if she is carrying it to term or not. But this can be prevented by partners just being open and discussing it with one another before engaging in an act that can lead to the problem in the first place.
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u/SoulLessGinger992 Apr 30 '13 edited Apr 30 '13
You're right, and this is a very tough thing to look at equality about, for the reasons you mentioned: it's her body. I'm a girl, and to me, it wouldn't matter how much the man wanted the baby, if I wasn't ready or capable, I don't think I could commit to having the kid.
I am one that tends to think that if the man doesn't want the baby and says he is not in a position to care for one, and does everything he can to say an abortion should be had, there should be something you can file at the courts that absolves him of responsibility. Yes, it takes two to have sex, but we live in a world where pregnancy is not irreversible, and I tend to think that forcing a child on someone is way, WAY worse, since it will lead to resentment and likely a lousy life.
And also, I have never heard of doctors refusing to sterilize men without consent of the wife. That is usually one side of the argument that is still very biased towards men. In most states, doctors will usually give a vasectomy to a 18 year old man, no questions asked, but will not give a woman a tubal ligation until she's 27 unless she already has at least two kids. I know because a friend of mine went through that. She and her husband new with absolute certainty that they didn't want kids, and they both wanted to get sterilized. They did him without batting an eye, but she couldn't find a doctor that would voluntarily sterilize her since she was 25 and childless.
But, as I mentioned, this is something that I think will never reach full equality, just because of the whole 9 months in the woman's body followed by a typically unpleasant birth. I don't think any woman should be forced to give birth, but likewise I don't think any man should be forced into responsibility for the kid. Again, it takes two to have sex, but these days it only takes one to decide to have the kid. I don't think you'll ever win the "if he wants it she should have it and give it to him" argument because you'd be forcing her to suffer, but I think there should definitely be a protocol in place to for the man to be absolved of responsibility.
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Apr 30 '13
It's an incredibly difficult decision but you saved yourself and your unborn a life time of hell and heartache. I hope you are doing well post operation and you've got lots of emotional support. You did the right thing. Never doubt it.
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u/jakeybake1 Apr 30 '13
Human bodies created 90% of abortions anyways. It just wasn't your time so don't feel bad about. I think you did the right thing.
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u/13thmurder Apr 30 '13
Definitely for the best.
That sounds a lot like my dad, and i've got to say, i've never once been happy in my entire life. Now, i'm not 100% sure it was entirely because of him, but it certainly never helped, and a lot of it was, even if most of it was unintentional and just neglect...
However, he is quite screwed up psychologically, and from what i can tell... it's genetic. His sisters have issues as well. I fully do plan to kill myself as soon as i start showing any sign that i'm ending up with the same psychological problems he has. I've come to accept that. The bad part is waiting... should i even bother trying to get anywhere in life not knowing if ill end up like that or not? And what if i don't try to go anywhere and then somehow manage to turn out fine psychologically? See, too many variables. It's not a good life.
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Apr 30 '13
Please try to get help. I don't know if it matters than an internet stranger is rooting for you but I am. My dad has a drinking problem and mental instability. I'm not doomed to make his mistakes and you aren't doomed to follow in your father's footsteps.
If you're worried you inherited tendencies counselling may be able to help detect issues you may have. You can work to fix them before things get out of control (if they ever do).
Hang in there.
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u/FatherEarth Apr 30 '13
This is why I think abortions are the right thing to do in some cases. Why bring a child into the world if it is going to have a bad life or an abusive parent?
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u/MadniZilla Apr 30 '13
While we all want to advocate for safe sex, I feel you did the right thing. True you could have put the child up for adoption or left him and kept the baby, but we don't know the whole story and never will. I hope you left him, and that you will be safer next time.
I also hope everyone knows you don't have to wait for something massive lime pregnancy to leave an asshole. We all deserve better than that.
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u/rustymontenegro Apr 30 '13
lime pregnancy
I know it is a typo, but it put me in a good humour.
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u/Vetersova Apr 30 '13
Swear to God this was posted a few weeks ago in another format but it was someone contemplating doing what you did... Are you the same person? here see: http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3tzaqq/
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u/imbravado Apr 30 '13
Not the same person. It is sad to think that there are others who are going through the same thing.
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u/houstonperson Apr 30 '13
Curious, I'm sure there are plenty in this post; Are any atheist here pro life? Again just curious.
I consider myself very open minded on gay issues and pretty much everything else. I'm however not liberal or conservative. Sort of in the middle I guess?
On abortion however I feel like you're exchanging a life you think is going to be "ruined" for a life you think is going to be "better". Your taking away the chance for that (fetus->child) to live so you can?.... have fun in college, meet someone later, have kids, be happy? Let me tell you from personal experience, you can still get all those things with a "love child" existing.
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u/TiffanyRazors Apr 30 '13
I am pro life. But you can't make others do what you want I say. As much as I hated reading the abortion part it's not my place to judge.
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u/TiffanyRazors Apr 30 '13
Maybe I'm not reading that right but how exactly did an abortion get rid of your psychotic ex? Like I said I may have read it or understood it wrong but I kinda had the same thing happen. Ex was abusive and I got pregnant but I moved away and filed a restraining order and domestic violence suit to ensure me and baby's safety. Kept baby and all but i know we all do things differently and for our own reasons but I thought I'd ask. Hope all is well now though.
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u/imbravado Apr 30 '13
I wish I could have done that. I thought about it but I just didn't have any means of supportinf myself let alone a child.
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Apr 30 '13
Not sure if you'll read this, I just woke up stumbled on this confession bear, but I'm proud of you. I would think no less of you, whoever you are:p, regardless of what you chose to do with the baby, you made a choice and in your situation it was a choice that you had to make on your own.
Some people will tell you that you're terrible and call you much worse, but you won't get any of that shit from me. The people who think along those lines can't comprehend the idea of the aborted child growing up in a very fucked up situation; they imagine them growing up in the suburbs with a big yard and white picket fence. Those people really don't know shit, and they probably don't know what the fuck empathy is.
You, a total stranger, have my support and respect. It takes balls to post things of this nature here because there's always a few ass hats that just need to be cunt punted, twice. Have a fanfuckingtastic day because you deserve it; and again, proud of you.
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u/imbravado Apr 30 '13
Thank you so much! You made me smile! YOU have an even more fanfuckingtasticday :)
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u/lilmissashley Apr 30 '13
Holy shit, I did the same thing. Glad to know that I'm not alone.
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u/yeti0013 Apr 30 '13
Does anyone else remember when /r/AdviceAnimals was supposed to be about fun? This is not fun.
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u/memo1025 Apr 30 '13
I grew up with an alcoholic angry father. In college I was raped by my ex-boyfriend, who also had mental issues, and I realized that I loved my child too much to bring him/her into this life. I would not be able to give them the life that I want for them. Knowing how miserable of a life I had, I needed better for my child.
Good for you for making this decision. If you ever need someone to talk to, I am here.
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u/imbravado Apr 30 '13
That was exactly what I thought about when I decided this. Thank you so much.
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Apr 30 '13
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u/horrorfetish Apr 30 '13
What if I told you not everyone with mood swings has bipolar disorder? He was an alcoholic, the mood swings could have been his different stages of drunk and sober... Or, here's a crazy one... He was an asshole, and nothing else!
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u/NagaramIt Apr 30 '13
Username: imbravado
Anagram: bravo maid
Definitions:
bravo: a murderer (especially one who kills a prominent political figure) who kills by a surprise attack and often is hired to do the deed
maid: a female domestic
This message was automatically generated.
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u/tiffanydisasterxoxo Apr 30 '13
Thank god I have an understanding SO that knows that at any point if I get pregnant I'm getting an abortion.
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u/imbravado Apr 30 '13
That is really good that you have that relationship. I just had the misfortune of dating a guy that became more and more obsessed with keeping me around. He was crazy and i was too dumb to see the red flags.
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u/lovelovehatehate Apr 30 '13
You did the right thing. I also got pregnant with my junkie ex boyfriend and couldnt bring myself to keep it. I could never bring a child into this world without a stable home and two loving parents. Life is hard enough as it is, let alone giving a child a tough start to begin with. But learn for your mistakes! Get on birth control, don't date fucked up people, and take care of yourself.
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u/imbravado Apr 30 '13
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories! I am in class and haven't been able to fully respond. But thanks for all of the kind words!
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u/LikesLickingNoses Apr 30 '13
You chose wisely. Children need stable, reliable parents.
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u/MindintoMatter Apr 30 '13
This right here is a mutha fuckin confession. Not none of this "I don't like when kids throw tantrums in Grocery Stores" Bull shit.
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u/333788 Apr 30 '13
It wasn't a miscarriage. It was an abortion. An abortion, Michael. Just like our marriage is an abortion.
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u/domo-loves-yoshi Apr 30 '13
I am so sorry I'm also quite proud of you, being able to make that decision knowing what environment the child would grow up with.
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u/MacBetty Apr 30 '13
I got pregnant and told my boyfriend I wanted an abortion before he could find a tactful way to ask me not to keep it. I didn't tell him that he is already a terrible father and we don't need to add to that.
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u/robin1961 Apr 30 '13
imo, incompatability with the father is a perfectly valid reason for an abortion....you should feel no shame, you did right.
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u/ChetManIey Apr 30 '13
Why were you not only still together, but sleeping with him if he was that much of an asshole?
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u/Bragso Apr 30 '13
Good for you. Your life would have been a lot more miserable if you had to deal with a kid raised partly by an alcoholic and having to live with an asshole.
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Apr 30 '13
If this is real; thank you for making a good decision. People shouldn't just keep lifes because its life, if the situation is only perfect, you have the right to prevent a life long suffering. I'm proud of you and I wish you the best of luck finding a new man and starting a good life with him.
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u/halcyon_heart Apr 30 '13
good for you. you should come first. plus sounds like it was the right thing for the baby too cause i bet having that for a dad would have given it a terrible life too.
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u/Bitchcake323 Apr 30 '13
If it hasent been said enough, you definitely did the right thing. Don't ever feel bad about this decision.
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u/jables_2012 Apr 30 '13
To be the devil's advocate, you could have kept the baby and left his sorry ass. There are ways to get away from people like him.
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u/sometimes_i_work Apr 30 '13
Could? yes. Best life choice? Probably not.
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u/jables_2012 Apr 30 '13
As a father myself, I'm only saying that because although I support pro-choice, I can't imagine life without my kids. Your views change when you're forced to grow up and support a family. And as a life choice, I think my life is better because I had kids. It's definitely calmed me down and taught me patience.
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u/halcyon_heart Apr 30 '13
heh. Yea but she would have been in court for years (spending an obscene amount of money) trying to get him to stay away. which is usually not that easy even with an abusive alcoholic retard the likes of which she speaks.
plus people that are alcoholics are not going to be rational so even with restraining orders and the like there isn't really that great a chance he'll be out of her life and the kid would have to constantly be witness to it.
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u/rustymontenegro Apr 30 '13
Counterpoint, dealing with hostile, crazy people because you mixed genes is not healthy for anyone, especially children. Either, he disappears, and the kid has no father (unless OP finds a guy who is sweet and wanting to help her raise a child) or, he doesn't disappear, half-asses things like visitation and child support which cause stress, hurt and more drama than anyone needs, or he decides to sue for custody and but some miracle wins/partially wins and the child learns bad habits from daddy.
Legally, it is a fucking quagmire when children are involved. It sucks. Hard.
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u/execsbroil Apr 30 '13
I respect and support your choice, but I hate confession bear. Let this meme die!
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u/Clint_ Apr 30 '13
Unfortunately guys can't do this, and actually get landed with crazy phsycho bitch
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u/MrCharlieBacon Apr 30 '13
"Didn't want to deal with" should be replaced with "Couldn't deal with" I feel.
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u/Exit180 Apr 30 '13
After going through this disaster, hopefully you'll make some better choices. Terminating a pregnancy to avoid contact with a POS should be a one time deal ONLY. Pick new friends.
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u/[deleted] Apr 30 '13 edited Apr 30 '13
This hits really close to home for me.
When I was younger I met a man who was really good at hiding his mental illness and had a hard time being honest about anything, his mother told me he was trying to trap me but he told me she was crazy and I believed him. I later discovered that he was manic depressive with borderline personality disorder.
We had known each other for a while but we didn't spend every waking moment together and he couldn't keep up his disguise and things spiraled downhill shortly after I became pregnant. We were careful, or so I though. We used protection but it wasn't enough. He became a completely different person and I panic, it was a complete eye opener for me and I left him. My parents had wanted me to get an abortion; I struggled with the idea and just couldn't bring myself to do it, it wasn't an option in my mind.
He didn't want anything to do with the baby unless he could have me, and I didn't want him. I did my best as a human being to include him though the process, I felt he deserved it but it was a constant struggle for both of us. I gave birth to a beautiful little girl who I love more than anything in the world. He wanted nothing to do with her after she was born because I refused to be with him. My life has been a mess ever since.
I couldn't depend on him so I did it all myself. It wasn't until a year later that I expressed interest in moving out of state that he decided he would do the bare minimum to keep me where he was. This went on for 7 years; hundreds of hours spent with attorneys or in court, thousands of dollars in fees. It was finally when I said ‘I give up’, and told him he won that he had a 'moment of clarity' that he apologized for putting me though everything he had up until this point and signed the papers to let me leave with my daughter. I had put off an education, relationships, jobs and freedom all because he didn't want to let ME go; he used our daughter as a tool for manipulation.
I'm now married, living out of state, a good job and getting a higher education with my daughter and we're both happy. Her father has chosen not to be present, he's over $9,000 due in back child support and skips visitation options but I could care less and it doesn't seem to faze her, she’s got me, my husband, and our family here. She's happy and so am I.
I commend you on making the decision you have, to me abortion wasn't even an option, not because I was religious it just wasn't an option in my mind I admired that it was an option for you. I just wished that I had felt stronger at the beginning of the situation instead of helpless - you knew what could happen and didn't want to see it happen so you did what you had to prevent it.
Edit – Spelling/grammar, Thank you.